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157. I Still Believe in Miracles with Melissa Beth
154 Plays2 years ago
Melissa Beth is the host and producer of the Mile Marker Miracles podcast. Initially created as a space to hear people’s mile marker stories of how they became who they are today, the podcast took on an unplanned grief focus when Melissa’s mom Linda passed away from breast cancer. As she processed through the immense loss of her mom, her best friend, and her biggest inspiration all in one, it became clear that others also needed a space to understand grief and how to support each other in loss. With her masters degree in special education and years of experience as a teacher, Melissa brings a unique perspective to these conversations and lessons. In addition, Melissa is a children’s book author with her book about Down Syndrome “The Ups and Downs of a Very Special Superhero” inspired by her brother Josh. She works as a project administrator for an architectural firm and volunteers with a faith-based non-profit that plans events and conferences all around the country. She loves iced coffee, cuddling with her puppy, and soaking up blue skies and warm weather.
INSTAGRAM: www.instagram.com/milemarkermiracles
SPOTIFY: https://spoti.fi/3uSNA2z
APPLE PODCASTS: https://apple.co/3pwbiy0
WEBSITE: www.milemarkermiracles.com
Book: www.specialupsanddowns.com
Melissa Beth's Podcasts with her mom and when she talks about her grief journey:
Episode 16
Spotify - https://spotify.link/xdafiIkTrDb
Apple Podcasts -
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mile-marker-miracles/id1546694006?i=1000536038147
Episode 2
Spotify - https://spotify.link/NnYs0ZoTrDb
Apple Podcasts -
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mile-marker-miracles/id1546694006?i=1000505684946
Episode Highlights:
- Explore the profound connection between Melissa and her mom, unveiling the beautiful moments and insights that define their journey.
- Overcoming Victim Mentality: Discover the power of resisting a victim mentality and embracing strength in the face of adversity. Melissa shares personal experiences and insights on cultivating resilience
- Honoring Loved Ones Through Honest Conversations: Learn about the importance of open conversations about grief.
- Being Honest About Your Needs: Melissa emphasizes the significance of being honest about your needs during grief. Whether it's conversations about the departed loved one or practical support, expressing your needs is a crucial aspect of healing.
- Navigating Loss Within Faith Communities: Melissa discusses the role of faith in her grief journey and how faith communities can provide support and understanding during challenging times.
- Special Ups and Downs - Children's Book: the inspiration behind Melissa's children's book, "Special Ups and Downs," and how it fosters understanding, kindness, and inclusivity for children without disabilities.
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest on the podcast:
https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
Recommended
Transcript
A Journey of Faith and Loss
00:00:01
Speaker
I had this conversation with God and I said, God, I could run so far from you right now. I could run. I said, I've seen other people who loss has just torn them away from their faith. I could run and never turn back. But I said, and I honestly look back now and I just think it was like prayers surmounted throughout my life that got me to be able to say this. I said, Lord, but I'm choosing to walk with you and I'm choosing to trust you.
00:00:29
Speaker
because you are going to, but you are going to have to answer my questions because I have so many. I mean, I had so many questions.
Introduction to Grief and Gratitude
00:00:40
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:47
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:04
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host.
Podcast Transformation through Loss
00:01:18
Speaker
Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:24
Speaker
Hello. Hello. Thank you for joining us today. Today, my conversation is with Melissa Beth. She is a fellow podcaster. She is the host and producer of the Mile Marker Miracles podcast, which she initially created to talk to people
00:01:43
Speaker
who had mile marker stories. And then it took a turn after her mom's passing. And it's now on the topic of grief. And we have more things to talk about as well. So welcome, Melissa. Thanks. I'm happy to be here. Thank you for joining me. And you are on the other side of the hot seat. I know. It's very weird. I like it, though.
00:02:12
Speaker
Let's see if we can keep the table turned this way and not the other one. Yeah. Well,
Family and Faith Foundations
00:02:19
Speaker
welcome. I first start off sharing where you live, a little bit about your upbringing. Tell us, where do you live and your upbringing? Yeah. I have lived my whole life just outside in a suburb of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I grew up in a pretty
00:02:38
Speaker
normal home, very like, honestly, I'm so grateful for my family. I love my family so much. We're a very tight knit family. I'm the middle sister of two brothers. So I have an older brother and a younger brother. And yeah, I mean, my family, we're just, we're very close. We're, we have a close relationships. We, our community, our faith community is really close. So I grew up like very much like,
00:03:08
Speaker
I went to, or I still do, go to a synagogue and our school was part of the synagogue. So like just such a bubble. But yeah, that's kind of a little bit about just kind of my upbringing, I guess. Thank you. And so it's you and then you have two brothers. What are their names? My older brother is Michael and my younger brother is Josh. Josh. And then your mom's name is Linda and then your dad? My dad is Steve.
00:03:32
Speaker
Steve. Okay. Who has been a fan favorite on my podcast? It's my dad as well. My dad is probably the person who's listened to the most. Oh, you mean your fans are your fans favorite. Oh yeah. My dad has been on a few episodes and every time people are like, get Steve back. I'm glad you got your dad on your podcast. I have not gotten mine on mine. He's a listener, but daddy,
Teaching and Podcast Beginnings
00:03:57
Speaker
if you're listening. Hey, Andrew's dad. Yes, daddy.
00:04:00
Speaker
All right, so Melissa, tell us then a little bit of your journey of mile marker and then when you started making the podcast and then more about your mom will kind of go into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I actually, my whole life, wanted to be a teacher.
00:04:19
Speaker
was a teacher my mom was a teacher and a principal and actually started two schools that both my brothers and I went through and so I just always had a heart for teaching and I think we'll get into this a little bit later but my younger brother Josh has down syndrome and so I saw how
00:04:38
Speaker
his schooling was especially because he went through my mom's school and it was a little bit of a smaller private school and so it was able to be kind of more tailored to his needs and just in general the school because it was a little bit of a smaller school I mean like we the school that I went to for elementary school and middle school at its peak it was preschool through 12 at its peak it was like 200 kids like it was super small and I just saw how education could be done well and I love
00:05:08
Speaker
I have a heart for teaching, I have a passion for, as I got older, a passion for kids. And so it was pretty obvious from a pretty young age that I was gonna...
00:05:16
Speaker
go to school for education and teaching. So I went to college, undergrad, and then my master's for elementary ed and special ed. And got my master's in special ed and autism studies. And I was a teacher straight out of college. I was very fortunate to get a teaching job. At that point, it was very rare to get a teaching job straight out of college. And I taught for seven years. And I really thrived. It became a huge part of my identity.
00:05:45
Speaker
And in 2019, it had kind of built up that the school that I was working at, for a number of reasons, it just wasn't a fit for me. I was really under a lot of pressure, as I think teachers always are, but this felt kind of to the extreme from all sides.
00:06:04
Speaker
I was experiencing major burnout. I had never had panic
Capturing Stories Before Farewell
00:06:08
Speaker
attacks before. I was having panic attacks on like a weekly basis. It was really unhealthy and I would almost say very toxic. It turned very toxic. I kind of was told a little bit to resign. So in leaving that, I knew I needed a change and I knew podcasting had kind of always
00:06:28
Speaker
been on my mind partially because I love to talk and I really just love hearing people's stories. I love hearing about why people are the way they are, how they got to where they are in life, and kind of seeing how
00:06:44
Speaker
when I talk to people about it, how I can learn from them and how I can implement the things that they've learned and gone through in my own life as inspiration. So when I left teaching and I suddenly had so much more time, I was like, you know what?
00:07:00
Speaker
Maybe I'll start looking into creating a podcast where I just do that. I ask people their stories. I hear how they became who they are today, the mile markers that got them there, and can serve as inspiration for everybody. I think we all need the encouragement sometimes to be better.
00:07:23
Speaker
So I am a little bit of a perfectionist. It took me a long time to really look into what I took a course and the whole nine. And finally I said, okay, I'm going to record the pilot episode and just like get six episodes in the can and like draft them and be ready and then take my time for forever. And I didn't really know what I was doing. And instead of drafting the first episode, I published it.
00:07:51
Speaker
And one of my very loyal friends found it and like blasted it on social media. Oh my gosh, Melissa has a podcast. You guys have to listen. And I was like, I'm not ready. You would have probably never been. Oh, but here's the exactly. And here's the beautiful part about it. That was the very end of December of 2020. And I remember it was like December 30th.
00:08:21
Speaker
And I freaked out. First of all, I asked him, I was like, can you take that down? I'm like, I don't need people knowing about this yet. But I then went to my mom and I said, mom, I need you to record an episode with me like stat, like ASAP. I'd already been planning on having her on the podcast.
00:08:39
Speaker
but it probably wouldn't have been for another six months. And I was like- Have you been diagnosed yet? So my mom, yeah. So my mom was diagnosed in 2013. With breast cancer? With metastatic breast cancer, which- Okay.
00:08:52
Speaker
I mean, I'll get into it, but she is just, she was so the strongest person I know, like so full of faith, so full of
Facing Cancer and Faith Challenges
00:09:00
Speaker
strength. So like give everything you could say, like the most of everything she was. And so I knew I wanted to have her on to tell her story because she really, through her whole cancer diagnosis, believed so strongly for her healing. She believed so strongly
00:09:19
Speaker
in not letting it overtake her, like just so such an inspiration in every sense of the word. So I knew I wanted to have her on to talk about that. And I was like, Mom, come on, I got it. She was like, Okay, so we recorded an episode, like first week of January.
00:09:37
Speaker
Second week of January, she went into the hospital and had to have a major surgery, start very heavy chemo drugs. She was on like a chemo pill. At that point, start very heavy chemo like IV and was kind of never the same. And six months later in June, 2021, she passed away and I got two episodes.
00:10:05
Speaker
my first two episodes other than my pilot were with her and had, I think about that so much and what a blessing it was that my friend, that I was an idiot in podcasting and just published an episode and that my loyal friend found it and kind of forced me to have to record these episodes with her. It was such a blessing. So that's kind of how it began. What I call the first iteration where the first 15 episodes
00:10:36
Speaker
were me talking with people, mostly my friends and my family, like people that I think are incredibly inspiring and have incredible stories, just kind of talking about their stories and kind of hearing about how they became who they are today.
00:10:53
Speaker
And then when grief hit, it took a little bit of a different turn. Oh, man. Like, yeah, what a beautiful gift that you were given to be pushed into the water, into the water without you being ready, because then it was a whole unfolding of all these different opportunities that you had then of being able to have your mom on your podcast.
00:11:19
Speaker
Now, when it took a turn, when your mom died then in June, you had already been doing these type of interviews. Did you stop recording at that moment? And what was your grief journey? What were some of the things you used in mourning? Did you do some of the rituals in your faith and so forth, if you can share? Yeah.
00:11:46
Speaker
We very much my family, like I said, we are a family of faith, we really I mean, my mom really led the charge, but my dad and I have talked about it since and we really I really feel like
00:12:02
Speaker
God really used that to inspire faith in us in that she really believed she would be healed. She believed that this would not overtake her.
Navigating Profound Loss
00:12:12
Speaker
And it's interesting because people, I had somebody say to me after she passed that they sort of felt like my mom had a false faith or sort of a fake faith. And I really, I reject that. Like I really believe that her faith was true. It was authentic. She was not in denial.
00:12:31
Speaker
She had faith. I mean, faith is the evidence of things we cannot see. And so she really believed for that. And so even when we were the last week of her life, she passed away June 24, 2021. So the week leading up to that, she was in the hospital. Her lung was filling up with fluid. There was a lot of different things that the cancer was causing.
00:12:58
Speaker
And she was the hospital and so we were fortunately, luckily able to be with her pretty much every day while she was the hospital we were able to go in which I think back now for so many who lost people during coven 2020 I
00:13:13
Speaker
I cannot imagine not being able to be there because those were days that I will always be grateful that I was able to be with her. I remember her last day, we got called in in the morning because her lung had collapsed. She was non-responsive. We sat with her. She ended up passing away around 9.30 at night.
00:13:35
Speaker
We literally sat with her all day. I remember just holding her hand the whole day. I even then believed. My faith was so strong that I was like, Lord, I know you can heal her. I know you can raise her from the dead even if she dies. I was so sure and confident.
00:13:56
Speaker
I remember a clear as day the night we watched her take her last breath. My older brother who lives in another state came in. He was there the last four days when we knew things were getting really dire. We watched her take her last breath.
00:14:15
Speaker
the whole process came where they declared that it was true. And I remember still being like, no, she is going to rise from the dead. And I know for some that might sound insane. That might sound crazy. Are you kidding me? She died. I just believed in miracles. And I still do. It took a hit, but I
00:14:40
Speaker
So I remember going home and just feeling like there was this cannonball-sized hole that had shot through my stomach.
00:14:51
Speaker
Like, for reference, my mom and I were best friends. Like, so close. We were so similar. I mean, I'm the only girl, so we had a special bond in that way. We just were, honestly, in so many ways, so similar. And we really just loved being with each other. And she was not only my best friend, she was my mentor, she was my biggest cheerleader.
00:15:18
Speaker
The loss, I don't know if I'll ever experience a loss greater than my mom, you know, passing away. And so I just remember that first couple of days just being like, there was a huge chunk of me that was missing. And I just remember being like, there is no way, there is no way, this can't,
00:15:42
Speaker
This can't be real. Like, and I and I remember them probably interesting. Again, my dad and I have talked about this before. I've watched we recorded her funeral because we had had it on Zoom in case people couldn't come. And so we got the recording of it. And I've probably watched it 100 times. And my dad's like, are you kidding me? I'm like, yeah, because it was the day where the whole world stopped for my mom and for us.
00:16:12
Speaker
And everybody's trains were parked together at the grief station. And it was the day where all we did was talk about my mom, which is one of my favorite subjects to talk about. And so I remember the first three days, as probably all grief is, was kind of not real.
00:16:40
Speaker
It was such a whirlwind. We were making arrangements, you know, the whole nine. And so I think even maybe the first the first four days, I think her funeral was she passed away on a Thursday. Her funeral was on a Monday. So that that whole time was just not real like it was. But it was also just like. What what is happening? No, this can't be real. This is a dream. And I remember even the day after her funeral, I said, oh, she's not coming back.
00:17:09
Speaker
Like she's gone. And the first month, I was just numb. I was so numb. I just was like, it was like I was just walking in a fog. I was so numb to like, what is happening? I now have to like live this life without her. I don't even know what that looks like.
00:17:35
Speaker
I would go to my mom for everything. I mean, I live in the same house with her. So I would just walk in the next room and be like, everything. I wouldn't walk out of the house unless she like approved of my outfit. Like that, we were just that close. And I just had this moment of just like, I remember it was like a month later. I just, I got, like I got angry with God.
00:18:02
Speaker
And I, I was like, I don't think I'd read my Bible in a month, like the whole nine. And I, I just said, I could, I really could, I had this conversation with God and I said, God, I could run so far from you right now. I could run. I said, I've seen other people who loss has just torn them away from their faith. I could run and never turn back.
00:18:29
Speaker
But I said, and I honestly look back now and I just think it was like prayers surmounted throughout my life that got me to be able to say this. I said, Lord, but I'm choosing to walk with you and I'm choosing to trust you because you are going to, but you are going to have to answer my questions. Cause I have so many,
Seeking Faith Answers
00:18:46
Speaker
I mean, I had so many questions. Like if we believed for healing, why wasn't she healed? Why did I at 32 years old have to lose my mom? You know, all these questions or 31, I guess I was at that point.
00:19:00
Speaker
all these questions. And it's interesting because my mentality in general is I am a very go-getter type of person. And my sister-in-law actually was the one that said, she was like, you're really attacking grief head on. And I was like, yeah. I'm going to feel everything. I'm not going to suppress anything. If I'm feeling terrible, I'm going to let myself feel terrible. If I'm feeling good,
00:19:29
Speaker
I'm going to let myself feel good. I'm like, I'm not. And I, it's interesting. I had a conversation with a good friend whose dad had passed away a few years prior. And she said, she was like, I didn't do that. And I now three years later, everything is coming back times 10.
00:19:48
Speaker
And I was like, I will not let that be me. Because it's like a pressure cooker sometimes. Like that's what I kind of related to. It's like just locked in there and it has to come out somehow. Totally. So I do always say just kind of go with the flow. Just navigate each wave as it comes.
00:20:09
Speaker
Sometimes it sneaks up in the most unexpected ways and for unexpected reasons that it comes up, but that was what you did.
00:20:21
Speaker
You're having then this conversation then with God, wanting then your answers, your questions answered as to all these things that you could not understand. What were some of these moments that kind of started to sprinkle in through your life that gave you some kind of either, I don't know, piece of
00:20:48
Speaker
mind or understanding of the questions you wanted answered. Yeah, well, I had three, four pretty major questions that I asked. One actually, three of them were almost like requests. Like, Lord, I need this. They weren't even questions. One was actually, I remember
00:21:13
Speaker
my mom had mentioned and other people had mentioned after she passed that when she was younger, like in her 20s and all of her friends were starting to get married, she had written up a list. This is before Pinterest. She had written up a list of like six months out, you should do this. Five months out, you should do this. Four months out, you should do this. This whole nine. And I said, I need to find that list. I'm not married yet. I need to have that list for when I do get married. And I said, Lord,
00:21:43
Speaker
find me that list. I don't know where it is. And I asked everybody that could possibly have it and nobody had it. So six months later, I'm cleaning out our hot mess of a basement and every bin and every, I mean, my mom had like textbooks down there from the school, the whole thing. And I'm going through the books. I'm just like mindlessly flipping through the pages, whatever. And a stack of loosely folded up papers fall out. And I said, what is that? And I opened it up.
00:22:13
Speaker
And it was the list of what she had written in her handwriting on lined paper of what you do when you get married. And I just, it was things like that. There was something else that I asked God. I said, God, part of her story and how her testimony, I said, I forget that line. I want to know that line.
00:22:31
Speaker
And three months later, I was going through something on her phone, on a note in her phone, and she had written out her testimony and had that line in there. What is a testimony? Explain that. Yeah, yes. A testimony is a story of kind of how you came to know God and how God saved you.
Processing Grief through Podcasting
00:22:49
Speaker
crazy things like that. And honestly, also, you had asked earlier about the podcast. The first episode back, I took a break for a couple months. I just didn't have the bandwidth to do it, honestly.
00:23:02
Speaker
And then I felt, you know, I'm gonna kind of use this podcast as my space to process in a way. I was also seeing a counselor and so thankfully I had that space to process as well. I signed up for counseling and therapy literally like three days after she passed, because I was like, I need a place to talk. And that was so incredible. So I am so grateful for, I'm not seeing this counselor anymore, but the first six months I talked with somebody and that was incredible.
00:23:30
Speaker
and exactly what I needed. So I highly recommend counseling, but also the first episode I did back on the podcast was I just chronicled in very raw form. No intro, no outro, no music, nothing. No edits. I chronicled her last six months of life and I just talked through it and I cried and I had long pauses and it was what I needed. And then I, the next series of episodes were me
00:24:01
Speaker
just talking about my mom and talking about the lessons that I've learned from her and talking about the things that I've been learning in grief. And it's honestly, I credit a huge piece of my healing and my kind of putting the pieces in some sense as much as you can kind of back together to having that space to just sit behind a microphone, not worried about anybody around me.
00:24:28
Speaker
and just kind of processing and talking about my mom and just, you know, kind of being able to share as long as I needed to, because no one was stopping me, you know, or having a weird look on their face or anything, you know. So yeah, those were some of the things. I mean, I also ask God, like, why did she have to die? Why wasn't she healed? And I really feel like I've gotten a lot of peace and a lot of answers in those questions.
00:24:55
Speaker
The part of being able to process and being able to then share with someone, whether it was your therapist or with a microphone, with a community, was then one of these steps for you, was that aspect of just kind of taking it out, one of these tools that you used.
00:25:17
Speaker
the release of your podcast and you already had your Instagram account and probably had already started a community for that, right? Yeah. How did that start shifting as you started to post more podcasts regarding than your own grief journey and what kind of a community that you start creating because you shared your story?
00:25:38
Speaker
honestly, it took off beyond what I could have expected, not necessarily interestingly enough, not necessarily in quantity, which is I think interesting to note, but in quality. And I had
00:25:54
Speaker
probably I can think now four or five different people, friends of mine and people that kind of were created in this online community basically say to me, because not only was I sharing things about my mom, but I was sharing just things about grief. What do you say to somebody who's grieving? What do you not say to somebody who's grieving? What are the things to understand about what grief feels like?
00:26:15
Speaker
just sharing kind of the things I was going through, I figured they were going to help somebody else. And I had probably four or five people say to me, they started listening to my podcast, three of which were my friends. So they said they started listening because they were just my friends and they were supporting me. And two of which saying they just kind of found it. And they started listening.
00:26:32
Speaker
And then after they had listened a couple episodes, they found themselves in a situation of grief, whether it was one of my friends very suddenly lost her cousin, one of my friends, like his good friend's father passed away, like different people where they were then like thrown into grief.
00:26:52
Speaker
And they were like, honestly, Melissa, I knew how to show up and I knew how to process because of your podcast. And to me, that is.
00:27:07
Speaker
The most humbling and beautiful and meaningful thing that I could have ever expected to come out of this is that people know, I mean, I say the pillars of my podcast are faith, grief, personal growth, and supporting your people well. And supporting your people well, like how do we do that in grief?
00:27:26
Speaker
So honestly, that that community of people and and how this podcast and talking about grief and being really we were talking before about just kind of like not caring about what we look like and not caring about like showing up perfect that not showing up perfect. I think has been just being so honest and authentic. I mean, I'm a very open book.
Grief's Impact on Self-Perception
00:27:53
Speaker
And so I think sharing a lot of that has
00:27:56
Speaker
given others the wording and the knowledge about grief and about how to show up for others in that. That has been the most beautiful part of this podcast and of this community. You had mentioned at the beginning of when you were going to launch your podcast how you were so
00:28:20
Speaker
perfectionist that you were waiting to have it perfect. And yet right now you said that one of the biggest gifts has been to be able to show up in a way that is not perfect or in the view. So how then has that shifted? Right now you just shared something that's something that's changed within you.
00:28:41
Speaker
So what does Melissa look like now in ways of your growth and who you are that are different? Because of course it changes who we are and how we kind of display it. So what other aspects aside from not showing up?
00:29:02
Speaker
You know, it's interesting. I don't know how much you or anybody else knows about the Enneagram, but the Enneagram is sort of... Yeah, so I'm like a typical... I've taken it and I know what I came up to be, but then I still doubt myself because I heard that a lot of... I'm a two, supposedly, but I heard that a lot of moms end up showing up as a two when... Because they just sew up for everybody else.
00:29:28
Speaker
So that could make sense. I would have to kind of take it again and see if that is. Yeah, that's interesting. It was interesting because it's how then grief can even, you know, how we grief based on an anagram is also different. So go ahead. Well, no, it's interesting because I'm a typical three, which is a total overachiever, like has to be the best, has to be perfect. Like that's just sort of my type and it can have some beautiful
00:29:56
Speaker
you know, kind of purposes and that you want to make things really great for other people. But I for most of my life was just I mean, I've, I've lost track of how many times people have told me how intimidating I am, like, how many times I've just been like people are like, you know, because again, another thing
00:30:12
Speaker
I think sometimes within Enneagram 3, but also just with me as I was, I didn't want to come across as a mess. With that, I didn't want to show heavy emotion. I didn't want to show my flaws.
00:30:32
Speaker
You know, things happened in my life, I guess in the last maybe six years where I was like, okay, like life isn't perfect all the time. It's okay to be a mess. Everybody's a mess. But I think I was still walking in this, like I want to, I want to prove my worth. I want to, I want to earn it.
00:30:49
Speaker
I want to earn my worth. I want to earn people wanting to be in my life. I think in grief, I realized that you can't control any of that. Actually, I had a friend say to me a couple months into grief, she was like, you just feel so much softer. I think part of that was, like I said before, I'm super close with my whole family, but my mom particularly and I, I think maybe as the girls and maybe as just being really similar.
00:31:19
Speaker
I think I relied on her so much that I maybe didn't necessarily have to figure things out for myself. And now that she's not here, obviously I have my dad who's incredible. And I have my brothers who are amazing, but I'm having to figure things out on my own and for myself. You know, my mom was kind of my greatest mentor.
00:31:46
Speaker
Um, and I have other people who serve that purpose, but not in the way she did. And so I think in navigating that for myself, I've really had to, I've figured out what it looks like to stand on my own two feet and not be so reliant on other people.
Cherished Memories and Continued Influence
00:32:04
Speaker
And also I was always such a giver and I still am. I'm very much like I want to give to other people.
00:32:11
Speaker
But in grief, it was very hard for me because I had nothing to give. And I had to learn how to receive, which was very hard for me. And one of my best friends was like, you realize it's because you're so used to just giving that now you have to learn how to receive. And so I think that me now is a much more grounded, much more I am who I am kind of a person, like I will
00:32:42
Speaker
just cry and I don't really care if other people see it, you know, or if it makes other people uncomfortable. I'll talk about things that aren't so like bow perfectly tied. And I just am sort of like, not in any sort of like, yeah, take it or leave it, but just in sort of a like, this is who I am and I'm really proud of it. I've put in a lot of work, gone through a lot of ups and downs to get here.
00:33:06
Speaker
And I'm really proud of who I am. I'm a really, I think I'm the healthiest version of myself that I've ever been. Well, I didn't know Melissa prior, but I, the former, but this one and it's beautiful to see this and thank you for sharing all those moments of growth.
00:33:28
Speaker
Now you said that one of the favorite things that you love to do is sharing and we're talking about your mom. So share with us some of these moments or a couple moments about your mom and who she was and who she still is for you.
Advocacy and Inspiration from Family
00:33:46
Speaker
Your best friends, what are some of the moments?
00:33:50
Speaker
as you recall, and maybe within that, if you'd like to also share a little bit regarding your brother as well. Yeah, so my mom, it's interesting, as I've met people since her passing, and I've had to describe her to them, I've realized, and I said it a little bit earlier, but everything that you would say, like, oh, they're the most this, she is. She truly, truly had a gift of encouragement,
00:34:18
Speaker
a gift like beyond anybody else. She just knew how to encourage people. She would consistently write me cards like and just on a random Tuesday just because she wanted to encourage me and she would write some very heartfelt letter in it and if I telling me how proud she was of me and she was so intentional, very intentional when I was teaching
00:34:41
Speaker
Every single day on my drive home, I worked an hour away. And every single day on my drive home, I would call her. And we would just process through the events of the day together. And she once told me that she always kept herself available during that hour, so she would never miss my call. And she was also as kind and sweet and loving as she was. She was also very sure of herself, very
00:35:08
Speaker
confident and okay in expressing what she knew was right and not compromising her beliefs and really encouraging other people to kind of rise up in that as well.
00:35:21
Speaker
She, I mean, honestly was like a straight a student her whole life. She was just so brilliant. She taught everything from calculus to kindergarten. Just an incredible, incredible person, beautiful, like stunningly beautiful jet black hair her whole life like I could go on. And another thing that she was so
00:35:42
Speaker
just had such a heart for was advocacy and particularly my brother. So my brother, like I said, my brother Josh is almost 30. He likes to remind me that on a pretty daily basis, which is not okay for me because he's my little baby brother. But he has Down syndrome and we didn't really know until the night before he was born, you know, 30 years ago,
00:36:11
Speaker
health and medicine wasn't what it is today. And he almost didn't make it. That's a story in and of itself. He ended up, we found out after he was born that he had a hole in the wall of his heart. And so he at three months old had to have open heart surgery. I mean, his life truly is a miracle in so many senses. They thought he had some other
00:36:33
Speaker
disability where he basically wouldn't have lived to be a year. And he's just, they told my parents, the doctors told my parents that they should let the baby, this is direct quote, they should let the baby expire with the birth because his life would be incompatible with life outside the womb.
00:36:48
Speaker
I don't like that word expires. I don't like it. It expires how they shared the news of my sister as well over the phone when I called the hospital because I was not in the same state. And I was like, I had never heard it in that way. English is, well, I grew up with both languages, but technically it's my second. And so I was like,
00:37:08
Speaker
fired. That's what the food is. Sorry. That's what milk is. No, I don't like it either. I don't like it in any sense. I can't believe that. He is a miracle. He's a miracle and so much so because of
00:37:25
Speaker
my mom just believing that there was no ceiling for him. There was no set. I remember she, at one point, we were talking to another parent of a child with a disability, and that parent was like, I'll just be happy if my kid works at McDonald's. My mom was like, not me. I want my son to have all the opportunities in the world. And so my brother has truly exceeded so many expectations. He has an office job that he works at.
00:37:49
Speaker
Just as I think it's just such a living, breathing, like example of just honestly of just an incredible life. And I think to someone that is so worth just inclusion and advocacy and obviously has affected so much of my life.
00:38:10
Speaker
has made me into so much of the person that I am today. So much so that I wrote a children's book about him. So go ahead and say what it's called. Yes. So it's called the ups and downs of a very special superhero. And it kind of came about the long story short is when I was teaching I always I was teaching when I was a teacher I was over my time I taught kindergarten first and second not all at once but over my time and
00:38:37
Speaker
I always wanted to teach the kids about Down syndrome and I could never find a book that the books that I was finding were either like basically science textbooks and they were like, this is a chromosome and this is, you know, or they were just, the story just so happened to have somebody with Down syndrome in it, but they didn't really explain what that was or anything. And I thought, okay, fine. I can't find a book that merges the two. I'll just write one. And so that was another thing after I left teaching.
00:39:05
Speaker
that I wrote this book. And it basically teaches in a really beautiful, kind of engaging, fun story what Down syndrome is. And also it talks about how all the characteristics that somebody has when they have Down syndrome makes them a superhero.
00:39:22
Speaker
And then in kind of the end, it's written from a sister's perspective about a brother, no surprise. And the sister learns how she can also be a superhero through including those who seem different and who have disabilities. And so it's a really beautiful way to teach kids who don't have disabilities how they can include those who do and show kindness.
00:39:46
Speaker
That is amazing. Now, to get that book, is it only on your website, Barnes and Noble online? Right now, yeah, right now it's only on my website, which is specialupsanddowns.com. Okay, so make sure to send me that
00:40:01
Speaker
link as well so that I link it at the bottom of the notes. I want to ask you in your own perspective, because I asked you this before we started recording. When you were a kid, you said you guys found out just the night, like the day before your brother was born about his diagnosis. I don't know. What do you call it? Diagnosis. Okay.
00:40:22
Speaker
You were about how old then? About four? Yeah, I was almost four. I was three and a half. How did your parents explain it to you at that time? They were very upfront. My older brother at the time too was seven, I think seven and a half. For us, they really were honest. They were very honest of
00:40:44
Speaker
They gave an age-appropriate description of chromosomes, which I kind of gave in the book as well, and how he has an extra chromosome. What they were really honest about, and I remember my mom specifically talking about this, is how we should treat him. We were in love with him from the start. We didn't know any different, honestly. We just thought he was the cutest little baby. We wanted to hold him all the time and just love him as any older sibling would. But I remember something they said to us,
00:41:14
Speaker
often, like very often, especially as we got older. They often, especially my mom said to us, people aren't gonna know how to treat Josh and they're gonna look to you as the example. And so treat him the way that you want other people to treat him and they will follow. And so that was always in my mind and in my older brother's mind as well of like, we are the example and we should treat him in a way that we want him to be treated.
00:41:42
Speaker
not just because we adore him and we love him, but because we want other people to feel that way too. And so that for us growing up was really the way that it was talked about was
00:41:53
Speaker
he is a blessing to our family as am I and as of my older brother, you know, and really just we were in so many ways included in, I mean, I remember countless times going with my mom to take him to therapies, to physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy. We went to, we got involved right away in a local Down syndrome family group. We went to Special Olympics, the sports,
00:42:20
Speaker
activities and so we were just really immersed in this world of Down syndrome that it was just very normal to us. It was very normal that not everybody is exactly the same. It was very normal that some people need more patience and inclusion.
00:42:43
Speaker
So that was kind of the way, but I think in general, my parents were just very honest, which is what I encourage parents to be with kids about Down syndrome is just to be honest and to, you know, not dance around it. And, and you said something really key there to be honest in anything that you have to share with your children.
Community's Role in Healing
00:43:04
Speaker
And you also said age appropriate and the age, and you can always find ways to then add to that story. Nice.
00:43:11
Speaker
as they get older. Yeah, as they get older, you can add the other pieces that they can understand. Totally. So that is very important. The aspect of community is showing up so much in this conversation. Yeah. Your faith-based community, the community you guys had as well with your brother and the Down syndrome community. Now, community in your grief space, did you also go or any of your family members go to any grief support groups or did you mainly
00:43:41
Speaker
Create your own grief support. Yeah, we kind of created our own grief groups unfortunately in our within our synagogue a lot of People my age have lost a parent and so for me There I would say there's probably maybe five others were at that point I mean since then unfortunately others have passed away too and so there's more but I would say there's probably five other families that
00:44:12
Speaker
have a parent who has passed away. And so I think we just kind of created, I wouldn't even say created, we just continued on.
00:44:20
Speaker
in the community, in our synagogue and in our group of people. I think we're very fortunate in that, that we have a very strong built-in community. I remember somebody saying to me, we may be a month into grief and we were still getting meals. We were still having people come over to help around the house, still having people check in. And someone was like, you know, that's rare.
00:44:44
Speaker
Like that stops pretty soon after in most cases. And so I think for us, we didn't end up doing any sort of grief groups, not for any opposition or whatever, but we just felt we kind of had a built in community in a sense already.
00:45:03
Speaker
Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, imagine adding more to your list of groups to go to since you already had it.
Overcoming Victim Mentality
00:45:13
Speaker
Okay, now I always like to ask people, what are some of the things you still are wanting to share that I have not asked? I would say, as far as
00:45:26
Speaker
For me, I think something that's really important is just being honest to other people about what I need. What do you think? What things? What were some of these things that you'd like I need? Like you mentioned, people would come into your home and even clean your home. Yeah. What kind of things would you request from your friends and asks? Yeah. One thing that I've been very honest about from the start is I want people to talk about my mom because I knew
00:45:55
Speaker
Before I lost my mom and I had friends that experienced death in the family, I was always very nervous to bring it up because I didn't want to make them sad. When I then lost my mom, I realized that it felt weird, especially in the immediate grief, but even still, I'm
00:46:15
Speaker
were two and a half years since my mom passed and still if somebody like will text me a story about my mom or something that they're thinking of that reminds them of her or ask a question like you know I was recently at a wedding
00:46:31
Speaker
And, you know, not having my mom at my future wedding is something that I kind of dread, and a friend turned to me and was like, I just want you to know like, if this is hard for you like that's okay. And I think just kind of having people recognize that I think that's something that I really encourage.
00:46:48
Speaker
the support systems to do. What else? There was something I thought of and it's completely escaped my brain right now. What you just said right there that your friend actually acknowledged that you could be feeling that way. It's like you feel seen, right? Because sometimes we are
00:47:12
Speaker
In society we like you said we get so nervous because if I bring it up Then what am I gonna do if she starts crying? We're at a wedding like what if but if she doesn't say that Then it's hard feel like you're alone. Yeah, so I just remembered the other thing I was gonna say okay, I think the other thing I the other thing that I really made sure of within myself is that I was I
00:47:41
Speaker
didn't take on a victim mentality. I think that has been a big thing in, not just in grief, like, Oh, you know, a victim mentality because I lost my mom, but in the days since then. So I, I think even with a strong community of people, there are days where you feel overlooked or there are days where you're pouring into somebody else in the family or your friends and they're not pouring into you. In grief, it can be really easy to take on a victim mentality.
00:48:09
Speaker
And I think something that I have really tried to stand strong in is to not let myself take on a victim mentality.
Tools for Grief and Resilience
00:48:18
Speaker
And that has been really helpful because then when there are days where I'm like, I'm giving to everybody else and nobody's giving to me or my mom would have been the one, blah, blah, blah. I can just say, Melissa, you're not a victim. You're not a victim. Something happened to you that was insanely hard and awful and nobody should have to walk through it, but you're strong.
00:48:38
Speaker
and you're a warrior and you can make it through this day. Like that has been so powerful. And I like how you're saying you can make it through this day because it is really sometimes moment by moment, day by day, then it might become week by week. So just looking at it just as in that moment and those words of affirmation help you as well in that. Yeah.
00:49:07
Speaker
Melissa, I am so grateful that you've come on here and sat on the other side of the table and shared this in this conversation, not only about your mom, but also your brother Josh and your own thoughts and emotions.
Podcast and Book Recommendations
00:49:22
Speaker
And I wanted to ask you what are ways in which people now can reach you, not only your podcast, but get to know you, your community.
00:49:34
Speaker
Yeah, so my podcast is Myl Marker Miracles. I am Myl Marker Miracles almost everywhere. I haven't ventured into the TikTok world yet, but Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Pinterest. I don't do much on Pinterest, but I'm there. Mostly, it's mostly Instagram that I'm pretty active on. So at Myl Marker Miracles. And then as far as the book, special ups and downs, Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest.
00:50:04
Speaker
I just figured, why not get a Pinterest in there? And if somebody were to listen then to your podcast, are there any particular episodes or would you like me to link them below that maybe share a little bit further about your story? Could we link maybe the one you said in which you shared about the six months? Yeah, I think that's one of the ones that you'll get to know me
00:50:30
Speaker
and my mom and our journey the best. I also think episode two, the first episode I did with my mom and oof, like if you're like, oh, is her mom really that great? Listen to episode two and you'll be like, yep, she is. Those are two of my favorites.
00:50:49
Speaker
I love because you can listen to her voice and her thoughts. That is just so precious to have that type of memory. It's the best. I love it. It took me a while to listen to it after she passed. I was like, I can't. I'm not ready. Even though you watch the funeral a hundred times. I know, but the funeral, she wasn't, I don't know. I know it's backwards.
00:51:10
Speaker
I know exactly what you mean because it's a part of the voice, right? You're hearing something that's going to trigger a whole other type of emotions in that moment that sometimes it's just different. So I get it. But yeah, those are the two episodes. And honestly, I mean, I've done a couple episodes about how to support people. So if there's something you're having a question in about grief, it's probably there. But I would say to start with episode two or episode 16.
00:51:37
Speaker
Thank you again, Melissa. And again, this was Melissa Beth, and you can find her on all the links that are listed below. So thank you so much again. Thank you. This was great.
00:51:56
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:52:25
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.