Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
My Halloween Horror Haven: Facing Fears 🕷️ (Episode 92)
15 Plays10 months ago
Disclaimer: Sorry there is no video episode this week due to tech difficults.
In this chilling finale of My Halloween Horror Haven series, we dive into fear and pain—two powerful themes that dominate both the horror genre and life itself. I’ll share some personal updates, including funny moments with my Tales from the Crypt poster and the technical challenges I’ve faced this fall. I explore some of the fun Fall activities I did this fall.
In My Media Corner, we’ll explore two Rick and Morty episodes, “Night Family” and “Fear No Mort,” breaking down how fear and pain drive the characters and plots.
In my final thoughts, I’ll reflect on the recent passing of my brother and the fears I faced in coming out to him. This personal reflection brings to light why confronting these fears ultimately allowed me to embrace authenticity and acceptance. Join me for a close to this series, where we explore the impact of fear, pain, and love in the face of life’s most challenging moments.
Twitter: @GatherThemPod
IG: @GatherThemPod
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/weallgatherhere
Email: Gatherthempod@gmail.com
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@GatherThemPod/videos
Recommended
![My Halloween Horror Haven: Purging Under the Moonlight (Episode 89] image](https://media.zencastr.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=112,quality=85/image-files/662be53cda07791310872ca7/0a5e2c03-8335-4d16-9ee8-774d23fd2361.jpg)
Transcript
Introduction and Apology
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Gather Them Podcast.
00:00:04
Speaker
I'm your host, Jerome.
00:00:05
Speaker
And we are back.
00:00:06
Speaker
And I'm so fucking tired.
00:00:10
Speaker
Yeah, we're here.
00:00:13
Speaker
I apologize for the fact that this Halloween horror series has been a complete opposite of what I said it was going to be.
00:00:28
Speaker
But in some ways it was good in that way because I had some guests on the show and a couple other things, but I just was like, I feel like I set this intention and I'm like, it don't really matter.
00:00:42
Speaker
Like in retrospect, I'm like, okay, I don't really matter because like I...
Challenges of Podcasting
00:00:48
Speaker
still did it and I still followed through and I ain't really got the listenership like that yet.
00:00:54
Speaker
So it really don't, this is all trial and error.
00:00:57
Speaker
So I'm trying to not think about it too much, but then I think about it and I'm like,
00:01:02
Speaker
But I have to be consistent.
00:01:03
Speaker
Like, that's the challenge of, like, capitalism, y'all.
00:01:06
Speaker
But news to say, I'm back.
00:01:08
Speaker
Here I am.
00:01:09
Speaker
Hi.
00:01:10
Speaker
I feel like I also need to just kind of talk about a couple things that, like, resonated with me or, like, that came up for me.
00:01:17
Speaker
And talking, or at least in this conversation of talking about the podcast, but, like...
00:01:23
Speaker
I'm also just like, girl, you just start now.
00:01:27
Speaker
Like, don't even trip.
00:01:29
Speaker
Like, I have so many plans and so many things I want to do, I think.
00:01:34
Speaker
And it's just all...
00:01:36
Speaker
It's a lot to think about.
00:01:38
Speaker
And that's a lot to do.
00:01:40
Speaker
Like, this is actually not even the first take of this, which is hilarious because I started recording earlier today and I was like, girl, like the sun was in the background.
00:01:50
Speaker
I was like, I can't like do this right now.
00:01:53
Speaker
Like it's too much.
00:01:55
Speaker
And so I was like, let me just kind of start over and let's do this over.
00:01:59
Speaker
But
Coping with Loss
00:02:00
Speaker
my brain has been in a funky space and big reason for it has been because my brother passed on October 20th.
00:02:09
Speaker
And I'm like,
00:02:12
Speaker
Damn.
00:02:12
Speaker
Like the fact that it's November, like the day before an election, like life really still goes on.
00:02:21
Speaker
Like that's crazy.
00:02:22
Speaker
So I feel like I've been living in a very specific point in time.
00:02:29
Speaker
And the interesting thing about these episodes, when I reflect on them, like as I'm listening to them, I'm like,
00:02:39
Speaker
no one would ever have known that any of this was happening because all of this was shot at different times.
00:02:43
Speaker
Like that is insane to me.
00:02:46
Speaker
But yeah, I, again, apologize for that.
00:02:49
Speaker
I also just want to just say that I'll talk a little bit more about my brother, like at the end of the show in my final thoughts segment, but October was a fucking lie.
Commitment to Growth
00:03:03
Speaker
Like, I don't know how I got out.
00:03:07
Speaker
unscathed because I felt like I was going to faint or like pass out multiple times.
00:03:18
Speaker
Um, just trying to maintain life and having like, and, and re retain my regimen.
00:03:28
Speaker
Like I had been locked in for the past, like four or five months of
00:03:37
Speaker
like up until that point, four months of being consistent with going to the gym, meeting my trainer, being like intentional about like crafting this stuff for the podcast, getting better at my new job.
00:03:54
Speaker
And then it's just like, boom, boom.
00:03:59
Speaker
October happened and then like all this stuff just started happening.
00:04:02
Speaker
So, um, also funny enough after last week's episode.
00:04:07
Speaker
So, um, that was already like shot or whatever, but the funny thing about it was the fact that the tales from the crypt poster that I talked about in that episode.
00:04:16
Speaker
And also don't look at my nose too much.
00:04:17
Speaker
Cause like, I just did these and we're not there yet, but, um, this fell down and,
00:04:26
Speaker
literally right around the time my brother passed.
00:04:30
Speaker
It was either right before or right after.
00:04:33
Speaker
I think it was right before because I was thinking about, oh, I need to hang this back up.
00:04:42
Speaker
And then something started changing in my life.
00:04:45
Speaker
And I was like, I actually don't need to hang this up.
00:04:47
Speaker
I'll probably talk more about it later.
00:04:49
Speaker
But there's something that's shifting and happening in my life right now where I'm just like,
00:04:54
Speaker
Okay, so this is a sign.
00:04:56
Speaker
Like, this is all a sign pointing to something.
00:04:59
Speaker
But yeah, I got this.
00:05:03
Speaker
Just wanted to talk about it really quickly because I was so obsessed with Tells from the Crypt.
00:05:09
Speaker
This is probably backwards as shit.
00:05:11
Speaker
But I love Tells from the Crypt because I love how it's...
00:05:19
Speaker
It's just this, it's a, it's a anthology horror.
00:05:24
Speaker
Yes.
00:05:25
Speaker
But it's like, I love that the people just get their just desserts.
00:05:29
Speaker
I kind of love that about it.
00:05:30
Speaker
Like, yeah.
00:05:32
Speaker
I talked about that before on a podcast, but one of my favorite things about the show, my friend actually got me that, Alexis, friend of the show.
00:05:39
Speaker
She was on a previous episode and she got me that at a horror convention in Jersey, which I think I maybe wanted to go to, but I didn't have the money or I couldn't go or something like that.
00:05:53
Speaker
And so I was like, when she got that for me, I was like, oh my God, that's so amazing.
00:05:58
Speaker
And I literally like hung this up within the past six months.
00:06:00
Speaker
Like the bats, this, like I literally just did all this within the past six months.
00:06:06
Speaker
And when this fell down, I was like, yup, that's a sign.
00:06:10
Speaker
And so things are shifting for me.
00:06:14
Speaker
A lot's happening very quickly.
00:06:17
Speaker
And it feels like I can't keep up most days.
00:06:23
Speaker
I'm doing the best
Adaptability and Grace
00:06:24
Speaker
I can.
00:06:25
Speaker
I felt like with a podcast right now, I just got to be consistent and I just got to show up.
00:06:30
Speaker
And I, you know, can be more intentional.
00:06:33
Speaker
Yes, about it, about what I'm doing and what I'm saying.
00:06:36
Speaker
But I also I'm going to recognize I have grace with myself with the fact that, like.
00:06:42
Speaker
Everything is all over the place right now, and I'm trying to move with intention, but it's not all going to happen at one time.
00:06:48
Speaker
And I think that is the self-reflective moment that I needed to hear myself come up with within the past.
00:07:00
Speaker
Past month and, you know, I guess, yeah, past month is kind of the self-reflection I've learned from, you know, going into this next month of like, yeah, we are in a new month and.
00:07:14
Speaker
There are things that no longer exist.
00:07:17
Speaker
um, our anxieties for me now because certain things have happened and certain things are done.
00:07:23
Speaker
Um, I also need to move this or like get this together.
00:07:26
Speaker
Cause this is like making a noise and I'm like, stop.
00:07:31
Speaker
Um, sorry, ADHD brain.
00:07:35
Speaker
But, um, yeah, like I'm just, it's just time, um, to get our, to get it together.
00:07:43
Speaker
And, and that we don't have to have it all figured out right now.
00:07:46
Speaker
So yeah, um, that's where I'm, I'm, I'm leaning.
00:07:50
Speaker
Um, I also want to just say shout out both Galen and Sabria for being on my, uh, horror series.
00:07:57
Speaker
Um, it was so much fun just reflecting on it.
00:08:00
Speaker
I was like the first episode, I was like, I know I said I was going to do a bonus episode and all this, any other, which actually I'm going to just move the bonus episode.
00:08:10
Speaker
Um, and, uh,
00:08:13
Speaker
it's going to be something else.
00:08:14
Speaker
But, uh, what I like still a horror thing, but like something else, but, um, something that, uh, you know, I realized after listening to that was just the fact that like, I had not come back from the summer and talked about the summer things I wanted to talk about.
00:08:32
Speaker
And I really wanted to get that stuff off my chest and, um,
00:08:37
Speaker
Especially because it still was relevant for like the fall.
00:08:40
Speaker
Like we were, we're still talking about the same topic.
00:08:42
Speaker
So I think that's something else I'm realizing about the podcast is that it doesn't have to be this thing of everything has to make sense in time as I'm recording every week.
00:08:55
Speaker
Um,
00:08:56
Speaker
Because everything is all going to, as long as I'm planning, as long as all of the intention's there, it'll make sense.
00:09:03
Speaker
And so with today's episode, I'm really excited because I feel like this is the one where I feel like should have been the first one, but it's also great because it's the last one.
00:09:19
Speaker
And the last one is the one I feel like I thought the most about.
00:09:26
Speaker
So let's get into it.
00:09:30
Speaker
Before I
Community and Collaboration
00:09:31
Speaker
move on, too, I just want to say shout out to Black Girl Brunch as a whole, Sabria and Iman.
00:09:36
Speaker
They shouted me out on their show a couple weeks ago because me and Sabria went to a haunted attraction, which I'll talk about in a little bit.
00:09:43
Speaker
But they are amazing.
00:09:45
Speaker
I love their podcast so much.
00:09:47
Speaker
I love the evolution of their podcast because they're talking about things that really fucking matter.
00:09:53
Speaker
They're talking about
00:09:56
Speaker
women's rights and the ways in which like veganism is shit now.
00:10:00
Speaker
And like this 2024 world, like everyone just gave up on it.
00:10:05
Speaker
And a lot of it has to do with corporate greed and how expensive things are, which is also, I guess I'll talk about that maybe at some point, but like with them, cause I want them to come on a show, but just my thoughts on like,
00:10:22
Speaker
why even when veganism even when eating you know not eating animals is expensive why it still matters um or why it still should matter like you shouldn't put a price on your health like that's the point um so we're i'm gonna have them on the show i want to have them um together and then
00:10:43
Speaker
I have another idea where I want Iman to come on as well.
00:10:47
Speaker
But yeah, I have some things cooking.
00:10:52
Speaker
And I just, again, shout out to them.
00:10:56
Speaker
I love that Iman always talks about how, and Sabree always talks about how Iman is a chronic friend stealer and how she's always stealing friends.
00:11:06
Speaker
And I think that's hilarious because I don't see myself as a friend stealer.
00:11:10
Speaker
I see myself as someone that just,
00:11:13
Speaker
Like, I am the kind of person where if I start to like you, I will... I just gravitate towards you.
00:11:22
Speaker
And I'll make it clear.
00:11:23
Speaker
Like, I'll make it very clear that, like, you know, you and I are...
00:11:30
Speaker
there's something here, you know what I mean?
00:11:32
Speaker
And oftentimes there's a reason why I'm finding out, sorry, I just blow my nose really quickly.
00:11:39
Speaker
I just can't with these fall allergies.
00:11:41
Speaker
This has pissed me off.
00:11:42
Speaker
Um, but yeah, I, um, I'm, I'm finding there's reasons why, um, you know, certain things are, I meet certain people and certain things click the way they do.
00:11:53
Speaker
Um,
00:11:55
Speaker
And then not giving my attention to people that don't click with because life is short, y'all.
00:12:01
Speaker
It really is.
00:12:02
Speaker
And I think
Fall Festivities
00:12:04
Speaker
all of the death stuff is really reflective of that, like how short life is, like when it's happened to like having near-death experiences and like, because I've had two when I reflect.
00:12:18
Speaker
I've had two near-death experiences and then I've had three to four major deaths
00:12:24
Speaker
That really shaped me like that really impacted the way in which I navigate the world.
00:12:33
Speaker
And so I feel like.
00:12:35
Speaker
You know, life is short, you can't really.
00:12:41
Speaker
You got to do what feels best for you.
00:12:45
Speaker
So we're going to move into our first segment, which is called Chilling Fall Vibes.
00:12:52
Speaker
And I'm just going to talk about some of my favorite things, specifically to do in October, because these are the things that I would do in October.
00:13:01
Speaker
But I guess I would do some of this stuff in September.
00:13:04
Speaker
I feel like once November hits... And see, that's capitalism.
00:13:08
Speaker
I feel like we... Why is it...
00:13:10
Speaker
I mean, I guess it's Thanksgiving month, but we don't really do that.
00:13:15
Speaker
Like, we don't really, like, we just eat.
00:13:18
Speaker
And that's it.
00:13:19
Speaker
Like, we don't, and I guess give thanks, but people don't really do that or mean it.
00:13:24
Speaker
So, I don't know.
00:13:27
Speaker
These are things I like to do in September and in October.
00:13:31
Speaker
And then I guess, like, in November, but I feel like once Halloween is over, I'd just be like, I don't know, for certain things.
00:13:37
Speaker
So...
00:13:39
Speaker
Going to haunted attractions.
00:13:41
Speaker
I went to fill the screams a couple of weeks ago with my friend, Sabria, friend of the show.
00:13:49
Speaker
My friend, Alexis, friend of the show.
00:13:51
Speaker
I love saying that.
00:13:52
Speaker
I love knowing that these people have come on my show and I can be like friend of the show.
00:13:56
Speaker
Like that is, oh my God.
00:13:59
Speaker
I see why people be doing what they be doing.
00:14:01
Speaker
But anyway, um, um,
00:14:04
Speaker
Yeah, we went to a field of screens, which was amazing.
00:14:07
Speaker
And I love, this is why even when I'm like, damn, this car is expensive.
00:14:12
Speaker
I'd be like, damn, I need to keep this joint because,
00:14:17
Speaker
But that's how we got there.
00:14:18
Speaker
I drove.
00:14:19
Speaker
And it was an easy drive.
00:14:20
Speaker
It was a very easy drive there.
00:14:22
Speaker
Like, it wasn't super complicated.
00:14:25
Speaker
Oh, my God, I changed my car battery afterwards because I was like, all right, we're going to ride out on there on this battery.
00:14:31
Speaker
And then if it don't work, then we got all the supplies in the trunk and we can just change the battery.
00:14:37
Speaker
I wish I changed it before, though, but it still worked out.
00:14:41
Speaker
It's fine.
00:14:43
Speaker
Or it was fine.
00:14:44
Speaker
But, yeah, we...
00:14:47
Speaker
got there around like six.
00:14:49
Speaker
Um, one of my friends was like, shouldn't we get there a little earlier?
00:14:51
Speaker
And I was like, well, you know, we gotta drive all the way out there.
00:14:58
Speaker
Cause it's in Lancaster and we're in Philly.
00:15:00
Speaker
So, um, and it was, I was like, I don't know if there's gonna be traffic.
00:15:04
Speaker
Like, I don't know what, like 76 is always weird like that.
00:15:08
Speaker
So, um,
00:15:11
Speaker
We ended up going and it was, yeah, so it was us.
00:15:15
Speaker
And then my friend Alexis's partner, Vince, and we got there.
00:15:20
Speaker
It was still daylight out and it was so cool just watching the,
00:15:26
Speaker
whole area because once you go in it's just this like and that's what i love about these haunted attractions that are outside of the city or um that are in these like uh areas of pennsylvania that have land um because there's like this whole spread of like you can just kind of hang out um there's like the trucks
00:15:51
Speaker
Um, you can get some food.
00:15:52
Speaker
They have vegan options, like shout out to filter screams for that.
00:15:56
Speaker
Um, it was a little expensive, but I get it.
00:15:58
Speaker
Y'all trying to get your money.
00:16:00
Speaker
Um, and it's also like, it makes sense.
00:16:03
Speaker
Like why, you know, it's the only thing around.
00:16:06
Speaker
Um, but you know, I get it.
00:16:10
Speaker
Like it is what it is.
00:16:11
Speaker
But anyway, um, what am I trying to say?
00:16:13
Speaker
I'm trying to say that the, um,
00:16:16
Speaker
it was just really nice.
00:16:17
Speaker
Just the way in which it was set up, the set design was really good.
00:16:21
Speaker
Like I was really, really obsessed with the Hayride and their set design for that.
00:16:30
Speaker
We, when we got there, there was no one there for the nautical wasteland, which was, I feel like it reminded me of when me and my friends went to, was it Bethlehem?
00:16:44
Speaker
Cause we went to vegan treats, um, but shout out to them.
00:16:47
Speaker
I need to go.
00:16:49
Speaker
This is why I have in a car, take a trip.
00:16:52
Speaker
Um,
00:16:54
Speaker
But yeah, I would definitely say it was very much like when we went to the one out there and they had a, it was like a zombie biochemical lab or something where it was like a science experiment going wrong.
00:17:12
Speaker
It was kind of sort of like that where it was like their fourth attraction, but that wasn't really like the major draw or the thing that like what people were going there to do.
00:17:24
Speaker
Um, but it still was cool.
00:17:26
Speaker
Cause it was like the set design.
00:17:28
Speaker
Um, the, they had a lot of fake dead bodies, like, oh my God, there were so many fake dead bodies.
00:17:35
Speaker
Um, but I could tell that was the one that didn't have that many actors in it.
00:17:38
Speaker
And I was like, oh, it was probably cause a staffing, they probably have the, you know, actors and the, um, what is it?
00:17:44
Speaker
Like the main attract or the, like the Hayride, the haunted house, like all that stuff.
00:17:48
Speaker
So we ended up, um,
00:17:53
Speaker
pretty much getting in and out of, I hate when I do that, when I hit that, we ended up getting in and out of, um, the wasteland.
00:18:04
Speaker
And then we went to the den of darkness and the den of darkness was good because, um, that was the attraction that had, um,
00:18:18
Speaker
It was the haunted house one.
00:18:20
Speaker
And so, yeah, that was a good one.
00:18:22
Speaker
It was one part where they had a school bus that was connecting, like a bridge connecting different parts.
00:18:31
Speaker
And we were walking over at one point and I'm looking down and I'm like, are those people on another attraction down there?
00:18:39
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:39
Speaker
And then there was another part that my friends pointed out where there was that was happening.
00:18:44
Speaker
And I was like, oh, my God, that's so really cool.
00:18:47
Speaker
Like how the way in which it felt like an amusement park in that way, where you're just traveling.
00:18:55
Speaker
Over top of other attractions that are happening at the same time.
00:19:00
Speaker
And so that one had some people in it, but we were still moving in that line.
00:19:05
Speaker
And then when we got to the asylum one, that's when.
00:19:10
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:19:11
Speaker
That was the one where we were started the waiting.
00:19:14
Speaker
The line was still moving, but we were waiting.
00:19:16
Speaker
It was a longer line.
00:19:18
Speaker
But again, amazing set design, very controversial asylum, Halloween lover, but like,
00:19:31
Speaker
I guess, I don't know.
00:19:33
Speaker
I guess that's my own thing where I'm trying to like sort out how I feel about that.
00:19:37
Speaker
But I guess because in my brain, I consider myself crazy and I'm like, well, it'd be kind of cool if like, what if I just wild out and like was, I don't know.
00:19:52
Speaker
I think about that.
00:19:53
Speaker
Like I literally think about what would it be like to be a haunt actor?
00:19:58
Speaker
Huh?
00:19:59
Speaker
Anyway.
00:20:01
Speaker
Um, but controversial opinion because of how I know how asylums like they, how they've worked in the past.
00:20:09
Speaker
Um, me and Sabrina were talking about Penthurst Asylum, which I got some tea about that one, um, from my job and from, uh,
00:20:19
Speaker
listening to different podcasts and talking to sabria like she loves i love that she loves watching these things on because she was telling me about some other ones that i gotta uh look up but she watches like documentaries and stuff on them and i'm like and she'll watch like people go on like different like amusement park tours and like
00:20:41
Speaker
haunt tours or like different because she researched the one about this about field of screams and I'm like thank god because I told her when we were in the car I was like I really wanted to do a haunted house or a haunted attraction thing but I didn't like the month has been just so crazy that I like cannot
00:21:03
Speaker
I was not able to like put together the thoughts to even be like, who wants to do this thing?
00:21:09
Speaker
Like who wants to go you, you, you like, I didn't have the really capacity to follow up with anyone.
00:21:17
Speaker
And the way in which I maybe normally do, because I feel oftentimes like the pressure to be the one to make the plans.
00:21:24
Speaker
And I don't necessarily like doing that a lot of the time, like because of how my life,
00:21:32
Speaker
how things are like, I, sometimes I do enjoy it when other people just kind of make the plan and I just go along with it.
00:21:40
Speaker
Cause it just, and it makes it more like, and then knowing, and also I think that points to us in our friendship, cause we were talking about this on the podcast last week, but like just our experience of being friends for like 30 years, like we know each other
00:21:55
Speaker
like
Navigating Friendships
00:21:56
Speaker
30 plus years, like we know each other in a way in which most people don't know their friends.
00:22:02
Speaker
And a lot of the reasoning for that was social media.
00:22:05
Speaker
But I...
00:22:09
Speaker
Again, love a good attraction.
00:22:12
Speaker
The last one we waited for was the Hayride.
00:22:15
Speaker
That was the longest, but the set design was so good.
00:22:18
Speaker
Imagine, like, there was this one part where they had the test subjects in, like, a testing area.
00:22:27
Speaker
They had, like, the Men in Black machines where...
00:22:32
Speaker
like the like cryo machines with the blue computers and like you see all of the like sciencey lab stuff happening.
00:22:39
Speaker
I thought that was cool.
00:22:40
Speaker
There was this one part where we went into a like barn where like the bodies were like dropping from the ceiling in the dark because then we would, the lights would go out and then all of a sudden we'd be like,
00:22:53
Speaker
okay, what's going on?
00:22:54
Speaker
And then the lights come on and then you just see bodies swinging.
00:22:57
Speaker
And I thought that was cool.
00:23:00
Speaker
I thought it was hilarious that Sabria was laughing the whole time because she was just like having like fun and just laughing and being, um,
00:23:10
Speaker
like really like excited about the, um, the actors and the performance.
00:23:16
Speaker
Um, cause she used to do, uh, she used to work as a haunt actress.
00:23:23
Speaker
Yes.
00:23:23
Speaker
A haunt actress, um, at Tara behind the walls.
00:23:27
Speaker
Um, when that was at the Eastern state and I was like Halloween nights or she told me, but, um, I haven't been back when it, since they changed it, but, um,
00:23:40
Speaker
Just shout out to her.
00:23:41
Speaker
Cause I was just like, girl, I like the way in which it literally.
00:23:47
Speaker
And then I just asked Alexis and her partner, they wanted to go.
00:23:50
Speaker
And I was just like, let's just make it a day thing.
00:23:53
Speaker
Like, I know we, me, Alexis and Vince, we usually do this anyway.
00:23:58
Speaker
So I'm just going to go here and we're going, we're going to make it work.
00:24:03
Speaker
So, um,
00:24:04
Speaker
I'm glad that worked out.
00:24:05
Speaker
And then another fall tradition I love is watching horror movies.
00:24:10
Speaker
I didn't get to watch that many this time.
00:24:12
Speaker
And I really reflected on that a lot because I didn't, first of all, I didn't get to do my horror movie marathon with my friend Dave, which is an annual tradition because of everything that's been going on.
00:24:25
Speaker
And that we're still going to do it and honor it, but in a different way.
00:24:31
Speaker
But it's just the fact that like,
00:24:34
Speaker
I felt very, like, I felt kind of like I, I don't know.
00:24:41
Speaker
I felt guilty a little bit.
00:24:43
Speaker
And I don't really know why.
00:24:45
Speaker
As I say that out loud, given the circumstances.
00:24:48
Speaker
But I don't know.
00:24:49
Speaker
I guess I felt guilty in a way.
00:24:52
Speaker
And maybe it's not so much towards that we didn't do it, but the fact that I didn't just maybe do it on my own.
00:25:02
Speaker
But then I also kind of feel like
00:25:05
Speaker
Well, one, I'll say this.
00:25:07
Speaker
The one reason why I was disappointed was because this is the time of year when usually all of the streaming networks have all the horror movies.
00:25:14
Speaker
There's no buying it on Amazon.
00:25:16
Speaker
There's no figuring it out.
00:25:17
Speaker
There's no, you know, renting it or anything like that.
00:25:21
Speaker
So you just kind of you get it.
00:25:22
Speaker
So I wanted to really take advantage of that this year.
00:25:26
Speaker
And then.
00:25:27
Speaker
The fact that we already had this plan in advance and then life just happens and it's like you have to adjust and that gets frustrating.
00:25:38
Speaker
We have to keep doing that.
00:25:39
Speaker
So I think that those are some of the things that were coming up for me this fall in regards to like watching horror movies or why I maybe was a little bit less connected or tapped in.
00:25:52
Speaker
And then I also, but something fun that I did get to do, which I think
00:25:56
Speaker
when I don't have any like Halloween plans or anything like that, I'll actually make a tradition is the fact that I went on South street and I just was like on Halloween day.
00:26:06
Speaker
And I was like, I'm going to start watching.
00:26:09
Speaker
Like, I want to watch people in their costumes.
00:26:11
Speaker
Like there was this one couple that was dressed up as, um, Bob and Linda from Bob's or Bob's burgers.
00:26:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:18
Speaker
And, um,
00:26:21
Speaker
They were so cute.
00:26:22
Speaker
And I was like, oh my God, y'all look.
00:26:24
Speaker
I told them, I was like, y'all outfit is so cute.
00:26:27
Speaker
I love it.
00:26:28
Speaker
And they were just so happy.
00:26:30
Speaker
And just seeing like all the kids walk by and their costumes was really fun.
00:26:34
Speaker
Like I miss being a kid and like having a costume, um,
00:26:40
Speaker
And going trick-or-treating and all of that fun stuff.
00:26:44
Speaker
Like, I miss, like, all of those, the fun fall activities you would do in school, like, very specific to the fall time because it really...
00:26:57
Speaker
feels like i don't know like life is school like in that way like you have to almost like keep doing those things um or creating new traditions and so i was like i might i like this i like sitting here and on this bench me girl i was fucking crying because again brother just passed but like i'm on the bench fucking crying um getting smacked out of my mind and then i'm like sitting there reflecting and i'm like
00:27:25
Speaker
you know what?
00:27:26
Speaker
I'm like, life really does go on and you really do get to keep making new traditions and you keep getting to experience different things.
00:27:34
Speaker
And I was like, okay, this feels good.
00:27:38
Speaker
Like, so I was like, if I don't have a Halloween party to go to next year, or I don't know if life happens again or something, I'm like, this is something that I could do or create like this new tradition for myself.
Creating New Traditions
00:27:51
Speaker
And, um,
00:27:53
Speaker
Plus the weather was good.
00:27:54
Speaker
It was like 80 degrees, which I mean, during the day it was hot, but like once the sun went down, it was eventually like, I was at a point where I was like, all right, I got to go home because it's getting cold.
00:28:06
Speaker
But
00:28:08
Speaker
The temperature wasn't bad.
00:28:10
Speaker
And even if it was a fall, a regular fall day, like that still wouldn't have been terrible.
00:28:16
Speaker
Even like if I was bundled up correctly.
00:28:19
Speaker
So I was like, I might have to start doing that one when I got nothing else to do.
00:28:25
Speaker
But yeah, those were my fall activities that I, the vibes, the things.
00:28:32
Speaker
I also want to just make a comment too.
00:28:34
Speaker
Like,
00:28:36
Speaker
I like the, even though I don't indulge in the pumpkin spice thing, I do like that it's there.
00:28:45
Speaker
And that kind of ties into my past point of like adding new traditions because it really does matter at the end of the day that things happen.
00:28:56
Speaker
things are allowed to change or shift or you're allowed to do different things.
00:29:00
Speaker
And like, I like having things that are seasonal so that you really get to experience it at that moment.
00:29:07
Speaker
Um, I mean, you could probably buy pumpkin spice or make it at home anytime of year, but like the fact that like these seasonal things kind of come out during this time of year, um,
00:29:20
Speaker
feels like some sense of normalcy and like a world that doesn't feel normal right now.
00:29:29
Speaker
Um, and then there's just always the option of like, maybe I will try today.
00:29:32
Speaker
Maybe I will mix it up.
00:29:34
Speaker
Maybe I will get something different.
00:29:35
Speaker
Cause that's what I do sometimes.
00:29:36
Speaker
Sometimes I'll go out and I'll be like, I usually get like a vanilla ice latte, um, put a little cinnamon in it.
00:29:44
Speaker
Um, might,
00:29:46
Speaker
with oat milk or almond milk, either one, whichever you got.
00:29:50
Speaker
And then I might put some cane sugar in it, depending on if, now if I worked out, I might put a little bit of sugar in it, just to get some energy back.
00:30:01
Speaker
But if it's just like a regular day, I might not put any sugar in it.
00:30:06
Speaker
I'm thinking about that right now.
00:30:10
Speaker
I might be like, oh, well, I don't feel like doing that today.
00:30:13
Speaker
I want to do a pumpkin spice latte and see, show me what you got.
00:30:18
Speaker
Like, is it giving the best pumpkin spice latte I ever had?
00:30:22
Speaker
Is it going to make me want to keep buying it from here every season?
00:30:26
Speaker
Because I like to just stay with the mainstays.
00:30:29
Speaker
And I was listening to Black Girl Brunch this week, and they were talking about the ways in which
00:30:37
Speaker
they like trying a lot of the same things because you is like inflation's real right now.
00:30:42
Speaker
Like wasting your money on stuff.
00:30:43
Speaker
That's just like, I don't even know what it's going to be like.
00:30:46
Speaker
It's just not it.
00:30:47
Speaker
Which is why I'm very much like we eating in this fall.
00:30:51
Speaker
I'm trying to get better at cooking too.
00:30:55
Speaker
So once I get some stuff together, once I get a little and a little movement, it's going to be, things are going to be all right.
00:31:03
Speaker
Things are going to be good.
00:31:04
Speaker
Let me back up a little bit.
00:31:07
Speaker
Let me reset a little bit.
00:31:11
Speaker
I'm tired of shit, y'all.
00:31:13
Speaker
I'm like really holding on.
00:31:15
Speaker
All right, we're going to move into the next segment.
00:31:21
Speaker
It is called My Media Corner.
00:31:26
Speaker
And I am actually doing something a little different.
Lessons from Rick and Morty
00:31:30
Speaker
I am going to talk about...
00:31:32
Speaker
Rick and Morty, but I'm doing a double feature.
00:31:35
Speaker
And they're both basically based in the idea of fear and pain.
00:31:39
Speaker
And so, again, this will all, I think, make sense in the full collective of, like, what this episode is.
00:31:48
Speaker
And so I guess I'll talk a little bit about the episode because I don't know.
00:31:52
Speaker
Because folks don't really know, like,
00:31:57
Speaker
that don't watch Rick and Morty, I guess, maybe don't know how deep that it could go or how like deep it can get.
00:32:05
Speaker
But this is like season seven, episode 10.
00:32:11
Speaker
And at this point, the Smith family has been through so much.
00:32:17
Speaker
Like,
00:32:18
Speaker
Hell in high water.
00:32:20
Speaker
And so the idea of this like fear hole being introduced into the series is just very interesting because the point of the episode is conquering your fears.
00:32:35
Speaker
It is at the core, the one thing that most people struggle to do.
00:32:42
Speaker
And that's the thing that holds them back.
00:32:45
Speaker
And it's interesting how in the beginning they are in this carnival of fear and how, you know, they are on this, it's an alien planet basically where they're just like, oh, like these attractions are, are not scary.
00:33:01
Speaker
Very much how, when I was at the horror thing, I was just like, girl, none of this scares me because like, I know what real fear is like, like,
00:33:13
Speaker
I know for me, the way I kind of connect this episode was just like, I relate to that sentiment of, and this is why horror doesn't scare me because at the core, there's things that are scarier than monsters.
00:33:29
Speaker
And you can always fight a monster.
00:33:31
Speaker
You can always run from a monster, but you really can't run from yourself.
00:33:37
Speaker
And I think that this episode did an amazing job with
00:33:42
Speaker
really turning that idea on its head a little bit or challenging it in this way that by using the plot device of the fear hole.
00:33:51
Speaker
So they go to this carnival.
00:33:54
Speaker
They're like, ugh, like all this stuff is just like, we're not scared.
00:33:58
Speaker
This man comes up to them and basically is like, oh, you guys aren't scared?
00:34:02
Speaker
Well, I can show you some real fears.
00:34:04
Speaker
Takes them to Denny's on Earth, which is, I think, kind of ironic knowing that like the fear hole is actually on Earth.
00:34:13
Speaker
when like earth is the place of one of the, our greatest fears, like that's, or one of our, you know, something that like can almost like unravel, like what our fears are or like kind of unpack them or it's almost like earth is the scariest fear in a, in a way with that plot device being on earth, which is very interesting.
00:34:40
Speaker
Um,
00:34:41
Speaker
So they end up in this Denny's.
00:34:43
Speaker
They're ordering food.
00:34:45
Speaker
The guy brings up the... What is it?
00:34:47
Speaker
The waiter.
00:34:48
Speaker
He brings up the thing about the fear hole.
00:34:51
Speaker
They go into the bathroom where the fear hole is, and then they watch a tape on the fear hole.
00:34:55
Speaker
And basically, the fear hole manifests...
00:35:01
Speaker
someone's greatest fear and they equated it to like when fish eat the bottom of your feet and how like the whole feeds on your fear so it's feeding on the thing that doesn't benefit us in the long run so again the dead skin on your feet that doesn't benefit you shouldn't be there
00:35:23
Speaker
We got to get rid of it.
00:35:24
Speaker
The fear hole does the same thing.
00:35:28
Speaker
But the difference is that in that.
00:35:32
Speaker
There's pain and challenging your fears.
00:35:36
Speaker
Or facing them, and so.
00:35:39
Speaker
I think what ends up happening is, or what I know ends up happening in the episode is that, you know, Morty jumps in because he, you know, he wants to know what his greatest fear is, which he thinks is like the monsters and all the stuff I talked about, like the things that people are normally afraid of or the things that go bump in the night.
00:36:04
Speaker
But then the come to find out the fear hole is,
00:36:09
Speaker
is messing with him a little bit because it's like, no, that's not your greatest fear.
00:36:13
Speaker
Like, or that's not your only fear.
00:36:16
Speaker
Like you're actually afraid of a lot of things.
00:36:19
Speaker
And so the episode just goes on a spiral of Morty trying to figure out what his greatest fear is versus trying to determine if it's really his or if it's Rick's.
00:36:34
Speaker
And so, yeah,
00:36:36
Speaker
what ends up happening is Morty starts to realize is that even if his greatest fear is losing Rick, he does have other fears.
00:36:46
Speaker
And those fears are fear of, you know, being accepted, the fear of, you know, being abandoned by Rick or being abandoned by, I mean, in a lot of ways, his family, like he is like Morty,
00:37:04
Speaker
is I think smart enough to know enough to understand that like, even if his, like, even if everything kind of like fails or goes to shit with like his family, like him and Rick are probably bounced to another universe.
00:37:23
Speaker
So the only person he can depend on is Rick at this point.
00:37:29
Speaker
And that becomes revealed later on after,
00:37:34
Speaker
Morty, um, begins to realize that Rick never even jumped into the fear hole with him and that this whole thing has been, uh, him basically being challenged to face his fears.
00:37:50
Speaker
So, um, I think that that, and then like in the end, like Rick being like, Oh, I never jumped in.
00:37:56
Speaker
Like I, you know, this is, um,
00:38:01
Speaker
It's a one-person ride is what Rick described it as.
00:38:07
Speaker
I think that he... In that, he had to trust that, one, Rick was telling the truth.
00:38:14
Speaker
Two, that he had to trust himself when he had to ask Rick, well, you know, if...
00:38:22
Speaker
I forget exactly how he asked it, but basically like he asked him if he was replaceable and Rick was like replaceable how?
00:38:32
Speaker
And so I think that they are defined replaceable, I think is what he said.
00:38:39
Speaker
And I think that really resonates with me in regards to the show and regards to the character development of both of these characters, because I,
00:38:50
Speaker
I guess up until this point, like a lot of people have complained about like Rick and Morty being this very much being too analytical or talking about itself too much.
00:39:00
Speaker
And I think that's kind of the point.
00:39:02
Speaker
And the point is that we should be doing that more.
00:39:06
Speaker
Like, so I think we've been told that it's not OK to talk to ourselves, but I think it actually is OK to talk to ourselves because how else are we going to know what we're doing if we don't talk to ourselves?
00:39:18
Speaker
You have like you almost have to like.
00:39:21
Speaker
Accept that on some level, you.
00:39:26
Speaker
Are all you got in the world and.
00:39:31
Speaker
your and think i mean like like again like i said up until this point the family has been mixed around so much there's like jerry's from like their jerry's not really their jerry they basically this is like a chosen family but not really because none of them really had this option to choose it's just rick's carelessness of like the ways in which he's just navigated his life up until this point of
00:39:56
Speaker
just being like, eh, we'll just jump universes.
00:40:00
Speaker
Eh, it doesn't matter which Jerry we get.
00:40:02
Speaker
Eh, you know, it doesn't really matter.
00:40:04
Speaker
Like, nothing really matters.
00:40:05
Speaker
And then in the end, him choosing to not jump into the hole, knowing that Morty saw Diane, his late wife, and there was that...
00:40:17
Speaker
chance for him to see her again it's like he knew it wasn't worth it because he is growing as a character he's not the same rick and i don't know and it's like interesting as you kind of as i think about this is like would season one rick have jumped into this hole i don't know but i think that there's a chance that the rick that
00:40:44
Speaker
that when he had lost his wife, like immediately, he probably would have jumped in like right away before, like he would have done probably what Morty had did.
00:40:53
Speaker
Had he not had this effort of becoming the smartest man in the universe.
00:41:00
Speaker
So I think that that was like really interesting.
00:41:02
Speaker
And I think that just, you know, talk through the family dynamic even more just in this, um,
00:41:15
Speaker
like the Knight family.
00:41:16
Speaker
Like I talked about it before.
00:41:18
Speaker
And so the one thing I think that resonated for me or think something that started to come up for me was this idea of,
00:41:25
Speaker
the subconscious and the ways in which our sleeping minds or the, the part of our brain that is, uh, not like where all of the things are hidden, um, from us or, you know, the things that we are have defined through meditation or the things that we have defined and visualization or all of these, you know, kind of techniques to get there.
00:41:48
Speaker
Um,
00:41:49
Speaker
is what the Knight family kind of sort of represents.
00:41:53
Speaker
They represent this duty to each other in a way, and they also represent their better selves and having discipline to do the tests that are assigned to them.
00:42:07
Speaker
Now, that discipline doesn't, you know, keep going because the Knight family is not...
00:42:14
Speaker
able to sustain itself in the end because of the reality of work.
00:42:22
Speaker
Like our conscious brains are the things that are like, okay, like, all right, we got to go to work because we got to pay the bills.
00:42:29
Speaker
You know, we got to do this.
00:42:30
Speaker
We got, you know, and they don't have that.
00:42:32
Speaker
They didn't have that experience.
00:42:33
Speaker
So I think that that's really interesting or something I noticed.
00:42:36
Speaker
And then the fact that the families, their day selves almost like choose these activities that are
00:42:45
Speaker
things that no one really wants to do, but like you have to do it.
00:42:49
Speaker
It's like, you have to go through the pain.
00:42:51
Speaker
So it was like the way in which, and the, um, kind of like in the fear hole episode of just like how, sorry, I'm like scratching myself and I'm just like, this is so a mess.
00:43:05
Speaker
Um, but you know, dry skin, um, and it's weird being on camera now y'all.
00:43:14
Speaker
I think that like in comparison, when I think about like the Fear Hole episode and the Knight family, is that like,
00:43:23
Speaker
that there is no pain and, you know, there's no gain if there's not a little bit of pain.
00:43:27
Speaker
Like you don't, you can't really get over your fears if you don't challenge them or you don't go through the pain of experiencing what that fear is like.
00:43:37
Speaker
Like you don't, like Morty trying to assign his night self to give him abs, him and Rick to give them abs and Beth learning how to play the clarinet and Summer trying to be like popular or whatever.
00:43:50
Speaker
And then you have Jerry, which is like the interesting, I think, outlier in the family where the whole family is like using the Knight family as this thing to better their day selves.
00:44:06
Speaker
But it's almost like Jerry uses it as a self-reflective tool to like really check in with himself and
00:44:16
Speaker
That in some ways is very powerful because it's the thing that ultimately convinces Knight Jerry to save the Dave family.
00:44:24
Speaker
Because he realizes that both of his families are going to suffer regardless.
00:44:28
Speaker
Which is feels to me like.
00:44:34
Speaker
How can I say this?
00:44:36
Speaker
It's almost like Jerry touching into his higher self, if that makes sense.
00:44:40
Speaker
Because it feels like the Knight version of himself is a lot more willing to take risk.
00:44:49
Speaker
Like betraying the Knight family for the Day family was big.
00:44:55
Speaker
Rick realizing that he was in this situation where he was just like, oh, we might really be effed in the A because...
00:45:05
Speaker
And I've never heard Rick say that.
00:45:06
Speaker
I've never heard Rick say, we might actually be in trouble.
00:45:11
Speaker
And that is very, I think, reminiscent or like, how can I say it?
00:45:18
Speaker
Like very much reflective of...
00:45:23
Speaker
all of our actions have consequences.
00:45:25
Speaker
Like we all, like no matter what we do, we all have consequences to our actions, whether they're good or bad.
00:45:32
Speaker
Like you can go to the gym, it'll hurt, you know, in that moment for a couple of days.
00:45:38
Speaker
But the reality of it is, is that like, you can't just sit around and do nothing and think that you're going to be healthy.
00:45:47
Speaker
Like you can't rely on magic cures or just like,
00:45:53
Speaker
Ozempic or you know any of these things that just and I'm not saying that like I'm not shading Ozempic or anything like that because I think people just don't use it right it's a tool like it's a thing that helps and it's first and people are using it wrong in the first place like that's also like part of it too but like it feels like in all of this we have the knowledge we have the
00:46:22
Speaker
the ability, we have the know-how, but it's like the drive isn't there.
00:46:29
Speaker
It's wanting the easy fixes, wanting the things to go, to be liked.
00:46:34
Speaker
Cause that's the whole reason why Rick even got the Knight family or the family involved in this was because he was bragging about it, which later on we, you know, they kind of talk about or address that in season seven where Rick is like bragging about some good thing that he did, but like,
00:46:52
Speaker
and how he's supposed to really keep it to himself but he basically like let this family have access to this technology knowing that it would go wrong just because everyone kind of was going to freeze him out and he caved um
00:47:11
Speaker
And again, he was using it intentionally for a way, which we find out later on, he was using it, I think, to try to find his... If I'm remembering and thinking about the plot of the show up between these two episodes, because this is like seasons... The Knight Family is season six, episode four, and then...
00:47:37
Speaker
Literally, like, the fear, no, like, the one that is, like, the one of the most powerful episodes that I think I've ever watched on this show was season seven, episode 10.
00:47:48
Speaker
And that was one of the things I think that really made me...
00:47:58
Speaker
start reflecting, I think, a little bit more.
00:48:00
Speaker
It took me a while to kind of keep watching.
00:48:02
Speaker
I had to keep watching the last episode, and I was just, like, either smacked or just out of it or something.
00:48:11
Speaker
And it was just, like, interesting.
00:48:15
Speaker
Like, this show is just really... I mean, it's speaking to me, yes, of course, obviously.
00:48:24
Speaker
But, like, it's like everything...
00:48:28
Speaker
There's like correlation to my life in that way.
00:48:34
Speaker
Again, there's no pain, no gain.
00:48:36
Speaker
Like you can't just think that you're gonna just skate by and get things done, you know, and things are gonna just happen easily.
00:48:43
Speaker
Like that's not how life works.
00:48:47
Speaker
Also, the fear of being liked doesn't really matter in the end.
00:48:51
Speaker
Like for Morty or Rick.
00:48:53
Speaker
Like, you know, Rick wants to be liked so bad that he lets his family end on this thing that ends up being dangerous and almost kills all of them.
00:49:01
Speaker
And Morty, he fears being accepted.
00:49:05
Speaker
And that ends up being the thing that holds him back.
00:49:09
Speaker
Because in reality, he's allowed to have the feelings he has about Rick.
00:49:14
Speaker
He's allowed to feel...
00:49:16
Speaker
Like he is skeptical or questioning up until this point that's constantly being challenged.
00:49:23
Speaker
But him actually saying like, am I replaceable?
00:49:27
Speaker
Like starting to be like, we got to start getting on the same page because this is not healthy for him.
00:49:38
Speaker
And I think Rick also recognizes that, which is why he put his picture back on the, was it the bulletin board?
00:49:47
Speaker
But yeah, I love that show so much.
00:49:49
Speaker
I love the way in which the writing is just so, it's so fucking good.
00:49:55
Speaker
I love the way in which, like, when I think about every time that I've been afraid to do something, or been afraid of something, and I've challenged it, I've come out stronger.
00:50:10
Speaker
And it's helped me develop my own boundaries.
Self-Reflection
00:50:14
Speaker
It's helped me to really check in with myself about like the things that I need.
00:50:20
Speaker
Like, what do I need right now?
00:50:22
Speaker
What do I need in this moment?
00:50:23
Speaker
You know?
00:50:25
Speaker
And if that's peace and quiet, that's fine.
00:50:28
Speaker
If that's going out with friends, that's fine.
00:50:31
Speaker
I've been telling my friends, I'm like, I really want to go back and start having like classic Rick and Morty adventures because I miss, you know,
00:50:39
Speaker
I just miss being able to go traveling with friends and going to different restaurants and different attractions.
00:50:50
Speaker
It's been two years since I got to travel.
00:50:52
Speaker
And I reflected on that.
00:50:53
Speaker
And I'm like, I really want to change that in 2025.
00:50:56
Speaker
I really want to spend more time with my family.
00:51:00
Speaker
And I really want to spend more time with the friends and new people that I'm meeting in my life.
00:51:06
Speaker
And
00:51:07
Speaker
the only way I know how to do that is to trust myself.
00:51:14
Speaker
And it's to know that fear isn't, it's all made up.
00:51:21
Speaker
Like it's imaginary.
00:51:22
Speaker
Like the fear of like, you know, it's like, what are you really so afraid of?
00:51:29
Speaker
Because in the end,
00:51:32
Speaker
it doesn't really matter.
00:51:35
Speaker
Like it doesn't really matter.
00:51:37
Speaker
Like I think about, I'm like, huh?
00:51:38
Speaker
Like I think about it in the sense of, I'll kind of start moving into my final thought segment, but this is just like a reflective moment for me where I'm like, I think about it in the sense of my brother.
00:51:50
Speaker
So, and this is going to tie so well together into all of this.
00:51:56
Speaker
But when my brother,
00:51:59
Speaker
So I was thinking about how my brother was trying to connect to me more.
00:52:04
Speaker
He was constantly reaching out to me, asking me about going on family, like me, him and my sister going on like a family trip, a sibling trip.
00:52:15
Speaker
We were talking about Vegas a lot.
00:52:16
Speaker
We were talking about just going and hanging out and doing stuff.
00:52:20
Speaker
And it just kind of felt like as like I...
00:52:25
Speaker
had been seeing him.
00:52:28
Speaker
But it was like his health started getting worse and worse every year.
00:52:32
Speaker
And this was like during the pandemic when things kind of started.
00:52:36
Speaker
And I was like, okay, well, it seems like you really want to do things with me.
00:52:41
Speaker
So like, I guess I got to be honest with you, or I guess I got to tell you the whole truth, because when we get there, I'm not going to, I'm not like, I was getting to the point where I was like, I'm not going to feel awkward.
00:52:52
Speaker
Like, I'm just going to be like,
00:52:54
Speaker
At the end of the day, I got myself and how you feel is how you feel.
00:52:59
Speaker
And that's it.
00:53:00
Speaker
Like, I can't juggle your emotions and my emotions.
00:53:04
Speaker
And you're allowed to feel how you feel at the end of the day.
00:53:08
Speaker
Like, you don't have to, you know, you're allowed to feel how you feel, but you also have to respect me.
00:53:16
Speaker
And you also have to...
00:53:22
Speaker
I mean, that's it.
00:53:22
Speaker
You really got to, you just got to respect me and just understand that, like, that my life is my life and I'm allowed to make my own decisions.
00:53:32
Speaker
And if someone doesn't understand that, then, oh, well, because there's so many people in my life that do understand that.
00:53:39
Speaker
And I think I was getting to that point.
00:53:41
Speaker
I was getting to the point in my life where, like,
00:53:43
Speaker
you know, I was going to the gym, like, listen, paying for the gym, paying for a trainer, like still having to pay bills, like worrying about, you know, this, that, and the other, like trying to get the groceries to get, like clean a house.
00:53:57
Speaker
Like all of this stuff is just like happening in the background.
00:54:00
Speaker
And I'm like, Jerome, you're a grown adult.
00:54:03
Speaker
Like you can do whatever the fuck you want to do, honestly.
00:54:06
Speaker
And so I think I really had that moment of
00:54:11
Speaker
I was crying bad.
00:54:12
Speaker
I didn't tell many.
00:54:13
Speaker
I told some people about this, but I remember back before I back in Mac and May was when I decided I was like, OK, I'm going to tell him.
00:54:23
Speaker
And then I knew he was coming up in September, possibly for my uncle's going away event.
00:54:35
Speaker
And people are like, well, how did he not know?
00:54:37
Speaker
How did he not know?
00:54:38
Speaker
And I'm like, well, he's on the phone making like, I mean, we were on a three-way call and something came up about trans people.
00:54:46
Speaker
And I was like, okay, so we're going to have to have a conversation.
00:54:50
Speaker
And I don't really necessarily want to do it on the phone.
00:54:53
Speaker
And so that is what started it for me, was me being like, I got to prepare myself to
00:55:02
Speaker
mentally be in a space to where I could handle it.
00:55:05
Speaker
Cause I was imagining the worst.
00:55:09
Speaker
And like I said, like right before he came, it was like the week before I remember I was like crying so bad about it because I was like, I think the reality of it is, is that like, I don't,
00:55:21
Speaker
I mean, my mom and dad aren't here.
00:55:24
Speaker
I feel kind of, sort of not as, I hadn't up until this point maybe felt like as connected with my family.
00:55:34
Speaker
And so I was just like, well, if I lose my brother, like, damn, well, who else is going to be there?
00:55:39
Speaker
Cause he's like the only person that is like checking in on me like every other week.
00:55:45
Speaker
If I don't hear from him, then I'm like, okay, something's going on.
00:55:48
Speaker
Let me go, let me call him.
00:55:52
Speaker
like constantly checking on me.
00:55:54
Speaker
And so I was like, okay, well, I guess I need to be honest with him about this, if this is the relationship we're going to have.
00:56:04
Speaker
And it was like this moment of clarity that just came to me.
00:56:08
Speaker
And it was like,
00:56:10
Speaker
I just knew in that moment that no matter what, I was going to be okay.
00:56:15
Speaker
It was going to be okay because up again, up until this point, I've been feeling like I've been relying on myself.
00:56:22
Speaker
Like I couldn't really trust to tell anyone or tell him, you know, about myself or really be open with him in that way.
00:56:31
Speaker
And so I was like, well, I've been doing it all this time.
00:56:33
Speaker
So like, why would anything change if he didn't?
00:56:37
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:56:38
Speaker
Like he would just be not in my life.
00:56:42
Speaker
maybe right now, maybe eventually he would understand.
00:56:46
Speaker
It's so funny because one of my cousins came out and I always kind of felt a little jealous, I'm not going to lie, because I was like, damn, that could be me.
00:57:02
Speaker
But I always had this chip on my shoulder or this thing of like,
00:57:07
Speaker
Oh, like women, like gay women tend to have it a little bit easier than gay men because of how people view gay men, especially gay black men.
00:57:20
Speaker
Like you can't do nothing feminine.
00:57:22
Speaker
Feminine.
00:57:23
Speaker
as a gay black man, which is a fucking shame because it really is what it is.
00:57:29
Speaker
Like you can't change who you are.
00:57:31
Speaker
So that's the reality or that's the thing that the insight that I had, it was like, I remember just gasping out loud, like mid cry gasping out loud being like, damn, I'm gonna be okay regardless.
00:57:47
Speaker
And I,
00:57:49
Speaker
Then he came.
00:57:50
Speaker
I was tired as shit because I had worked.
00:57:51
Speaker
I had seen clients.
00:57:52
Speaker
I had worked my day job.
00:57:54
Speaker
And I had really no rest because he wanted to come the whole weekend.
00:57:57
Speaker
And I was like, okay, we just got to pull the energy together.
00:58:01
Speaker
We'll figure it out.
00:58:02
Speaker
Whoop-de-woo.
00:58:04
Speaker
And on the last day, I told him because I was like, I don't want it to be awkward if he's going to stay here and like...
00:58:10
Speaker
Be here, you know, for a while.
00:58:13
Speaker
That felt weird.
00:58:14
Speaker
So I just went ahead and was like, you know what?
00:58:18
Speaker
I'm going to go to the gym.
00:58:19
Speaker
I went to the gym Monday morning.
00:58:20
Speaker
It was Labor Day.
00:58:21
Speaker
I went to the gym Monday morning, worked out.
00:58:24
Speaker
And then I was in the zone.
00:58:26
Speaker
And then I came back and I was like, all right, we got to talk about some stuff.
00:58:31
Speaker
And so I just was like, I built it up a little bit.
00:58:35
Speaker
I had this idea in my head.
00:58:36
Speaker
I was like, all right, I'm going to just build it up.
00:58:38
Speaker
I'm going to go step by step and just kind of tell him some of the things that I haven't told him.
00:58:42
Speaker
But like from things that I think are not as bad to like in my brain that aren't as bad.
00:58:54
Speaker
that aren't going to, that'll like soften the blow.
00:58:59
Speaker
If that's, if that makes sense, which is funny because it all didn't, it didn't matter because at the end of it, it was like literally the way in which, like I said earlier, when Morty asked Rick, like, am I, am I replaceable?
00:59:18
Speaker
And it's like,
00:59:22
Speaker
You don't know what the other person's answer is going to be, but you do know that you said it.
00:59:30
Speaker
Like you do know that you said what you needed to say and that's it.
00:59:36
Speaker
That's all.
00:59:37
Speaker
Like, that's, that's it.
00:59:39
Speaker
Like, that's crazy.
00:59:40
Speaker
Like, so I, I had that moment and then I told him and he just told me, he was like, you know, I would, you know, I love you, you know, regardless.
00:59:50
Speaker
It's like I told, you know, your cousin, like I, your family and I love you.
00:59:57
Speaker
And even if I don't understand, I'm going to still love you anyway.
01:00:00
Speaker
And that felt like
01:00:05
Speaker
I was on a high for the rest of the month of September where I just felt like I could do anything because like I said, even had it, I was prepared for it to go either way.
01:00:18
Speaker
I was prepared for it to go.
01:00:19
Speaker
Maybe I was maybe prepared for it to turn into a fight.
01:00:22
Speaker
Maybe I was prepared for it to turn into a yelling match.
01:00:26
Speaker
Maybe I prepared for it to be like him freezing me out.
01:00:30
Speaker
I think I was prepared for all of it.
01:00:33
Speaker
And yeah,
01:00:34
Speaker
When I told them and there was the thing that I least expected, which was the positive outcome, I was like, oh.
01:00:44
Speaker
So I basically like made this whole thing up in my head.
01:00:47
Speaker
Like I basically created a scenario in my head where I thought that you would react this way, but I had to lean in and trust myself enough to say that even if you did react this way,
01:01:02
Speaker
that I was still going to be okay.
01:01:05
Speaker
And that is powerful.
01:01:07
Speaker
Like that, I don't know, when it comes to facing fear and like going through painful situations, like it's mind boggling the ways in which we, our brains just develop these concepts that
01:01:27
Speaker
aren't real.
01:01:28
Speaker
Like we make them up.
01:01:29
Speaker
Like we are making up the situation because we're not talking to each other.
01:01:33
Speaker
We're not communicating.
01:01:34
Speaker
We are not being honest with each other.
01:01:36
Speaker
We're not telling the truth.
01:01:38
Speaker
We're not being, we're not thinking that people can handle our truth.
01:01:43
Speaker
And even when people can't or say they can't, or they, you know, won't or whatever, eventually they will.
01:01:50
Speaker
And that's something that I think I,
01:01:54
Speaker
had really gotten out of that experience.
01:01:57
Speaker
And at the same time of like kind of putting this episode together, putting the series together was the idea that like facing your fears is one of the most powerful things you can do.
01:02:10
Speaker
Like choosing to continue living a life that no one else understands is a powerful thing.
01:02:20
Speaker
Because you're not living for other people, you're living for yourself.
01:02:24
Speaker
And that really resonated with me.
01:02:28
Speaker
And so, you know, the month of September went and then, you know, October came and he had, we had talked, I think, once in October at the beginning of the month.
01:02:44
Speaker
And I was a little, I'm a little, I was a little regretful of it.
01:02:48
Speaker
And at the same time, I'm also like, I'm trying to make, I think I'm trying to make peace of it because on.
01:02:58
Speaker
Indigenous people's day, I was like, oh, I need to call family.
01:03:01
Speaker
Let me like try to reach out to people.
01:03:03
Speaker
And I didn't do it.
01:03:05
Speaker
And, or some people I didn't do it.
01:03:07
Speaker
Well, he's someone I didn't do it for.
01:03:10
Speaker
And, um,
01:03:11
Speaker
I guess making the assumption that like he was still going to be around.
01:03:17
Speaker
And then literally like six days later is when I got the news.
01:03:22
Speaker
And I think I was catatonic for, I was in between tears and straight catatonia for like on and off throughout the day.
01:03:37
Speaker
It was one of the,
01:03:41
Speaker
Hardest things I think I ever, you know, had to experience again, another death.
01:03:53
Speaker
And the only way I think I can make peace and like make sense of it is the fact that.
01:03:59
Speaker
One, I said my piece, you know, I said I got closure in a way in which I didn't get with my parents, which I didn't get to tell them before they passed because of the same fear of not being accepted.
01:04:11
Speaker
And.
01:04:15
Speaker
I started to build this relationship with my brother that.
01:04:21
Speaker
It leaves me with peace knowing that we left off on a good foot.
01:04:26
Speaker
And so in a way, I think when I think about me not calling him when I thought to call him,
01:04:34
Speaker
It makes me feel good to know that our last conversation was a good conversation, you know?
01:04:40
Speaker
Yeah, I'm going to try not to cry because I'm on camera, but I got the roll of toilet paper right here in case I do.
01:04:53
Speaker
But yeah, it's just...
01:04:57
Speaker
It's hard.
01:04:58
Speaker
Like, it's not easy.
01:05:01
Speaker
I think that a lot of times I portray this idea or this character that I can be this very strong person or that I can just handle everything, which is not true.
01:05:15
Speaker
You know, it's not true.
01:05:18
Speaker
I think that, you know, the real me does want...
01:05:24
Speaker
companionship and I do want like strong friendships and I do want community and all of those things.
01:05:34
Speaker
But like, I think the thing that has always been hindering my ability to ask for help or to ask, even for asking for like what I deserve, it's just this fact of like, or this idea maybe of that, like feeling like an imposter or like, I don't really deserve it.
01:05:52
Speaker
Or
01:05:53
Speaker
you know, that these things just kind of happened to me just because, and the realization is that like, no, these things are happening to you because you're putting in the work, like you're putting in the effort.
01:06:08
Speaker
You're being able to really just persevere.
01:06:17
Speaker
I was listening to a, um,
01:06:19
Speaker
I'm going to say this and I'm gonna get ready to get out of here.
01:06:21
Speaker
But, um, I was listening to a, a, uh, what is it?
01:06:28
Speaker
A, um, podcast from, uh, another podcaster earlier.
01:06:36
Speaker
I forget her name off the top of my head.
01:06:38
Speaker
I'll link her, um, thing or link her video and the, um,
01:06:44
Speaker
in the show notes, but one of the things that's like one of the most powerful realizations I think I've realized is that whenever I've faced something that has been really, really challenging in my life or something that's been, that could be a setback.
01:06:58
Speaker
Cause I could have taken this as a setback.
01:07:00
Speaker
I could have been like, well, fuck why me?
01:07:03
Speaker
You know, here we go again.
01:07:04
Speaker
Like another thing, um, which it is another thing.
01:07:08
Speaker
I'm not, you know, I'm first of all universe, like girl, calm down.
01:07:12
Speaker
Um,
01:07:13
Speaker
because it is another thing but it is a thing that is helping my self-development it's showing me the reasons why i do the things i do why i move the way i move it's causing me to really be more self-aware be intentional about the things that i'm doing
01:07:39
Speaker
You know, so even if it's like veganism, if people don't understand it, it's like it doesn't matter, you know, if people don't understand it.
Living with Intention
01:07:47
Speaker
The point is that, like, I'm doing it because I seen what it's like to eat.
01:07:56
Speaker
The way in which, like, my family has eaten and like everyone, every single person has died young after my grandmother died.
01:08:06
Speaker
because of whether it's like some mental thing or a physical, um, element, I'm like, I don't want that to be me.
01:08:17
Speaker
So I'm like taking veganism way more seriously.
01:08:22
Speaker
Um, I'm trying to be more supportive of the people in my life.
01:08:25
Speaker
So just being more present, I'm trying to like put the phone down, um,
01:08:32
Speaker
in those moments when it really matters, like really listening to people without reacting because
01:08:41
Speaker
A lot of times when you listen to people and the things that they say, and if you start questioning it, or if you not questioning it in this way of like being combative, but in a way in which you're curious, you start to really understand where someone is coming from and you can find empathy in that or understanding maybe empathy in that, but you find some understanding of where someone else is coming from and you
01:09:09
Speaker
It doesn't have to necessarily inform your experience.
01:09:12
Speaker
You're just under your understanding where other people and how other people work.
01:09:18
Speaker
And so I think just going into situations with curiosity, wondering like, well, I don't or just being like, I don't know what's going to happen.
01:09:29
Speaker
You know, we.
01:09:31
Speaker
You know, we don't know.
01:09:32
Speaker
But this, but the, I was talking about the, what's that girl?
01:09:38
Speaker
The woman, the podcaster.
01:09:42
Speaker
I'm like starting to lose my brain, y'all, which is why we got wrapped up.
01:09:45
Speaker
But she was talking about the ways in which the universe will test you when you are, when things seem like very,
01:09:58
Speaker
Out of control, like usually when things are the most like the top top like tippy top.
01:10:05
Speaker
Because the universe is trying to see if you're learning and.
01:10:09
Speaker
The universe or God, whoever you are, you believe in or, you know, whatever you are kind of making up of your experience.
Resilience and Curiosity
01:10:22
Speaker
It's testing you to see if you have learned a lesson.
01:10:26
Speaker
Because again, I could have just fallen apart because that's what I did with my mom.
01:10:29
Speaker
I fell apart.
01:10:30
Speaker
And right now I'm choosing to be more resilient than before.
01:10:35
Speaker
And I'm choosing to be smarter and more...
01:10:41
Speaker
thoughtful with the ways in which I am interacting with the people in my life and interacting with, um, whether it's my job or clients or, um, just like random people on the bus or street or whatever.
01:10:55
Speaker
Like I'm trying to be a little bit more thoughtful and present, smart and curious about, um,
01:11:10
Speaker
My own experience, yes, but others as well.
01:11:14
Speaker
Especially because I think that given this whole election thing, like shit's about to really change.
01:11:19
Speaker
Like, I just want to just put that out there as a very last thing.
01:11:24
Speaker
I think shit's a really about to change regardless of, you know, who wins.
01:11:30
Speaker
And so be prepared for that.
01:11:34
Speaker
But the point is,
01:11:40
Speaker
that the video just kind of left me with
01:11:44
Speaker
or the podcast video that I was talking about left me with, which is this, there are these different kinds of tests that the universe throws at you.
01:11:53
Speaker
And they're a resiliency test.
01:11:55
Speaker
There's a character development test.
01:11:58
Speaker
There's a patience test.
01:12:01
Speaker
So can you wait for the thing?
01:12:03
Speaker
Because it's already yours.
01:12:05
Speaker
So can you wait for the thing?
01:12:07
Speaker
And she has some other ones that she mentioned too.
01:12:10
Speaker
It's like five different ones.
01:12:11
Speaker
And I'm like, that is so...
01:12:15
Speaker
That's so spot on.
01:12:17
Speaker
The fact that, yes, can you wait for the thing?
01:12:22
Speaker
Are you willing to go through these challenges and actually take something out of it?
01:12:28
Speaker
Are you willing to, in a lot of ways, return to who you were before the trauma happened?
01:12:42
Speaker
And you start thinking about things and you start self-reflecting and you start journaling.
01:12:47
Speaker
I keep telling people, I'm like telling my clients, like, girl, you got these phones, like write your thoughts down.
01:12:52
Speaker
It's so like, you don't have to have a traditional diary anymore.
01:12:56
Speaker
Like you can literally just write shit down and then go back to it later and be like, oh yeah, I did think that.
01:13:02
Speaker
And like, what do I think about that?
01:13:03
Speaker
And oh, what do I feel about it now?
01:13:05
Speaker
Or, um,
01:13:08
Speaker
Having something like visual, a visual aid or using YouTube to like learn things or expand your knowledge of how to do certain things.
01:13:18
Speaker
Because like I said, like for me, putting in my car battery was crazy because.
01:13:24
Speaker
I'm not a mechanic.
01:13:25
Speaker
And the fact that I literally just went on YouTube and was like, I'm just gonna figure out how to do this thing.
01:13:30
Speaker
Same thing with being a better communicator and being more in the moment with people, that's even gotten better.
01:13:38
Speaker
Like not fearing what people are gonna say or think of me and just approaching people and being like, hey, like, what is this thing?
01:13:45
Speaker
Or, you know,
01:13:47
Speaker
with the Bob and Linda costume, Halloween costume, just being like, Hey, I love your costume.
01:13:53
Speaker
Like just being more open.
01:13:55
Speaker
And I think that that allows you to receive or be more open to receiving because again, you're tested usually when you are close to something.
01:14:10
Speaker
So I hope that resonates with some folks or people out there.
Conclusion and Call to Action
01:14:17
Speaker
We're going to wrap up here.
01:14:18
Speaker
I'm getting tired.
01:14:20
Speaker
Got to work tomorrow.
01:14:22
Speaker
God.
01:14:24
Speaker
And it's the election.
01:14:24
Speaker
So, I mean, I don't think the election, I don't think things are going to be wrapped up until a couple weeks from now.
01:14:31
Speaker
I was having a conversation with, um...
01:14:34
Speaker
one of my, a new friend of mine, and we were talking about that, but the last election wasn't wrapped up nice and neat.
01:14:41
Speaker
So, which is crazy because I don't like when they draw it out like that.
01:14:46
Speaker
Cause I remember when I was able to vote for Barack in 2014, I remember literally being up in the, in my, what was it?
01:14:58
Speaker
My, uh,
01:15:00
Speaker
I was an undergrad and I was in my statistics classroom and we were watching the news and watching the results.
01:15:10
Speaker
I think we were watching like CNN or something and watching the results.
01:15:13
Speaker
And I was just like, we knew that night, like who won basically.
01:15:17
Speaker
And it's like the fact that this could be drawn out for weeks, like it's just so sickening to me.
01:15:23
Speaker
Like,
01:15:25
Speaker
It better not be.
01:15:27
Speaker
I swear.
01:15:28
Speaker
Oh, my God.
01:15:29
Speaker
Anyway, that's it for the podcast.
01:15:31
Speaker
This episode, y'all, I'm tired.
01:15:33
Speaker
I'm gonna go take a bath, wind down, get myself ready for tomorrow.
01:15:41
Speaker
And that's it.
01:15:41
Speaker
But if you have any questions you want to send to me, send them to gather them pod at gmail.com.
01:15:49
Speaker
Um, listener letters, um, if you want any advice, um, also face your fears, you know, just face your fears.
01:16:00
Speaker
It'll make you a better person in the end.
01:16:02
Speaker
Cause you'll be like, why the fuck was I afraid of it?
01:16:05
Speaker
The fuck?
01:16:07
Speaker
Um, follow me on the socials, gather them pod on Instagram and on X formerly known as Twitter.
01:16:13
Speaker
And I think that's it.
01:16:17
Speaker
Um, I hope everyone has a good week and I will talk to everyone next week.
01:16:22
Speaker
I don't know why I'm looking around like suspicious.
01:16:23
Speaker
Cause I'm thinking like, is there anything else?
01:16:26
Speaker
But no, I think that's really it.
01:16:27
Speaker
I think I'll, I think I got everything.
01:16:29
Speaker
Um, I'll see everyone next week and I will, you know, talk to everyone later and have a good, um,
01:16:39
Speaker
A good week.
01:16:40
Speaker
Yeah.
01:16:42
Speaker
You know, don't I would say don't don't fear the outcome.
01:16:49
Speaker
It's going to happen regardless.
01:16:50
Speaker
So, yeah, I will talk to everyone next week.
01:16:55
Speaker
Bye.