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Navigating My Identity
7 Plays1 year ago
Manifesting works when you put the work into it.
What would my life had been like if I had a gay father? What if I had been more tapped into my queerness much soon? What if I had just felt comfortable enough to just be myself much sooner?
Also, don't play with me. I am a force ☝🏾
Twitter: @GatherThemPod
IG: @GatherThemPod
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/weallgatherhere
Email: Gatherthempod@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Week Recap
00:00:32
Speaker
What's up, y'all?
00:00:33
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Gathered Them Podcast.
00:00:36
Speaker
I'm your host, Jerome.
00:00:38
Speaker
We're back for another week, another episode, another experience, so to speak.
00:00:49
Speaker
I can just tell y'all right now, this has been a good, funny-ass week for me.
00:00:59
Speaker
I feel like I have a lot to talk about.
00:01:00
Speaker
Like, I feel like there's a lot to talk about.
00:01:02
Speaker
There's not much of I'm just going to put out there right now.
00:01:06
Speaker
This episode is probably going to be shorter as well.
00:01:11
Speaker
Next week, though, next next week, that's going to be the episode.
00:01:15
Speaker
This episode is is going to be an episode, but it's also next week's going to be the episode.
00:01:22
Speaker
to tune into.
00:01:23
Speaker
I'm actually really excited as I think about that and how I kind of want to preference or like talk about or promote that episode.
00:01:35
Speaker
So yeah, more to come, more to come.
City Life Challenges
00:01:40
Speaker
But, yeah, this week, I just had, like, a lot going on.
00:01:44
Speaker
It was, I think it's been a funny-ass week and a stressful-ass week on top of an exhausting-ass week.
00:01:52
Speaker
Like, this is the first week all summer, or all year, where it has felt, like, really, really ridiculously hot.
00:02:02
Speaker
Like, today, as in yesterday, on Thursday...
00:02:08
Speaker
Recording high of like 90 degrees in Philadelphia in May, like literally barely just began May coming right off of April.
00:02:22
Speaker
Like 90 degrees.
00:02:22
Speaker
Like, that's insane.
00:02:24
Speaker
And I was so uncomfortable.
00:02:26
Speaker
I just was like, I just need to be inside.
00:02:29
Speaker
I need to be indoors.
00:02:30
Speaker
The buses, like, I feel like the buses are breaking down more.
00:02:34
Speaker
Um, construction's like really bad in the city.
00:02:37
Speaker
Like everywhere you turn, they're working on a project.
00:02:40
Speaker
Every bus, everything's getting detoured.
00:02:42
Speaker
One of my co-workers told me about how she got stuck underground waiting, well, trying to get to work on one of the trains.
00:02:53
Speaker
And it's just like...
00:02:56
Speaker
At what point?
00:02:56
Speaker
Like, what are we doing?
00:02:57
Speaker
Like, why is everybody like, why are we all outside?
00:03:00
Speaker
Like, I thought we all said safer at home.
00:03:02
Speaker
I thought we like Philly is not the New York girl.
00:03:06
Speaker
Like, it's not that.
00:03:07
Speaker
So I just want to preference that.
00:03:09
Speaker
Like, we are not that.
00:03:11
Speaker
um yeah like when shit gets crowded it's like crowded crowded um and the designs of our trains for example are not as open as new york so it's like the seats are turned in more there's less like they're gonna have to redesign they're gonna have to do a redesign um yeah they're gonna have to do a redesign um but yeah long story short it's been a lot going on um
00:03:42
Speaker
I guess I'll talk.
00:03:43
Speaker
Let me see.
00:03:43
Speaker
I'll talk about... I'll start to last week.
00:03:46
Speaker
So, last week, I mentioned on the episode, there was something I couldn't really talk about.
00:03:52
Speaker
But I was really excited to talk about it.
00:03:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:00
Speaker
And you guys will hear what that thing is now because I'm going to tell
New Job and Spiritual Practices
00:04:04
Speaker
you.
00:04:04
Speaker
But I accepted a new job and I am like so excited about it.
00:04:11
Speaker
I cannot wait.
00:04:14
Speaker
I wrote my resignation letter.
00:04:16
Speaker
Like this is OK.
00:04:17
Speaker
I'm going to talk about this just for a little bit because I think that this is important to hear and like also understanding the way in which my job.
00:04:27
Speaker
spiritual practice has been functioning up until now.
00:04:30
Speaker
So I listened to Friend of the Show, DeAndra's podcast, Just Let It Glow.
00:04:40
Speaker
And it just so happened that
00:04:43
Speaker
She did this like practice where she and she's like very Christian based, which is like not, you know, that part's not really for me or whatever.
00:04:54
Speaker
But she did this practice of lighting a candle, setting an intention and writing it down and working towards that goal.
00:05:06
Speaker
And so.
00:05:07
Speaker
What I did, I just kind of tweaked it a little bit.
00:05:10
Speaker
I was like, all right, well, let me like, I know what I want.
00:05:12
Speaker
I know what I want out of a job.
00:05:13
Speaker
I know what I want out of a career.
00:05:16
Speaker
And let me go ahead and just kind of tweak it a little bit.
00:05:19
Speaker
Let me like get it, get it together.
00:05:22
Speaker
So what ended up happening was I went to New Orleans a couple weeks.
00:05:30
Speaker
Years ago, I went to New Orleans.
00:05:32
Speaker
I got this candle.
00:05:33
Speaker
It was a black and white candle.
00:05:38
Speaker
Now, I'm going to talk about this in the space of, yes, I do like witchcraft or, you know, pretty much light workings.
00:05:49
Speaker
Nothing that's like too super serious or...
00:05:54
Speaker
Not what I say super serious, but like nothing that's like dangerous, you know, and I'm trying like I do all the stuff I make circle and all of that stuff like, you know, protection, blah, blah, blah.
00:06:07
Speaker
So I do all the things, but.
00:06:10
Speaker
So I held on to it for a little bit.
00:06:12
Speaker
And like I said, I went to New Orleans in like 2022.
00:06:17
Speaker
Held on to it, not really knowing, like knowing what the significance of it was or what it could be used for.
00:06:23
Speaker
And I was like, I'll hold on to it.
00:06:25
Speaker
I know what I want, but I need to like manifest a little bit more.
00:06:30
Speaker
So or like at least like think about it more.
00:06:32
Speaker
So yeah.
00:06:35
Speaker
I had this experience that happened last year at my current job that I'm leaving about six months ago-ish.
00:06:51
Speaker
The experience, long story short, the experience was I wanted a new job within the company because it would give me a pay raise.
00:06:57
Speaker
I was already, I already knew how to do the work.
00:06:59
Speaker
I like, you know, done the work before.
00:07:03
Speaker
When I worked at Mazzoni Center, I just didn't have the title of social worker, even though I was doing literally all of the things that the social workers do.
00:07:12
Speaker
Like, I don't understand why that happened.
00:07:15
Speaker
never really made sense to people or how I can never really convey that to people or get that across.
00:07:20
Speaker
But literally, like when I saw my coworker doing the job and like doing the things that she was doing, I was like, I could do this job because I've done this work.
00:07:30
Speaker
But anyway, so when I like tried to get the position, there was this whole thing that happened.
00:07:35
Speaker
And I won't go too much into the details, but I didn't get the job.
00:07:39
Speaker
Like that's the long, that's the long and the short of it.
00:07:42
Speaker
So I was pretty upset.
00:07:44
Speaker
I was tired of working at the inpatient psych hospital because I was just draining.
00:07:50
Speaker
It was just I think I could probably have done it if it was more like twice a week, but like.
00:07:58
Speaker
Not added on to a five day work week.
00:08:02
Speaker
Like I can't do seven days of working straight.
00:08:07
Speaker
And I realized that in this predicament.
00:08:10
Speaker
So I think, again, like when I had the candle, I was like, all right, let me just kind of set my intention.
00:08:15
Speaker
Let me like figure out like what I'm looking for, what I'm doing, where I want to go, where I see myself.
00:08:23
Speaker
and really built that up.
00:08:25
Speaker
And I also was like, I need to work on my confidence too.
00:08:28
Speaker
I have to build myself up and work on, cause I was like, don't, that's the only way this is going to work out.
00:08:34
Speaker
Like the only way is this is going to work out is if I start to build my confidence and I start to, um, really just put myself out there and really just, um,
00:08:46
Speaker
figure out like what like trial and error like you know figuring out what i'm doing wrong and fixing it um and so when i started to when i had that experience last year of the loss of um that employment opportunity that was very like i qualified for it whatever um
00:09:08
Speaker
And not, you know, getting it, I essentially started to think more about it and think about my career.
00:09:15
Speaker
And I was just like, I know I don't want to do this for the rest of my life.
00:09:17
Speaker
I feel kind of stuck in this.
00:09:20
Speaker
I started to kind of think like, well, maybe I could just tough it out because, you know,
00:09:28
Speaker
I was so close.
00:09:29
Speaker
I'm so close to getting my LCSW, like all of these different things.
00:09:32
Speaker
So I'm thinking like, okay, I can tough this out.
00:09:34
Speaker
I can do this.
00:09:35
Speaker
And then I had the review happen or the thing that happened earlier this year that really like,
00:09:43
Speaker
made me mad and it made me upset.
00:09:45
Speaker
And so six months ago, I remember doing that.
00:09:49
Speaker
I had to open up the jar like for the candle because the green was on top and the black was on bottom.
00:09:55
Speaker
And I had to reverse it so that the burnt that the black burnt first.
00:10:00
Speaker
So I had to carve a wick in it or out of the bottom, flip it upside down and then like, you know, anointed, um,
00:10:08
Speaker
channel, like, put your intention into it, really, like, meditate while doing it, like, just writing down, like, with the things you want, like, writing those, um, writing things like success and, you know, um,
00:10:24
Speaker
I guess like abundance, like all of those things, you start like writing those things down stability and and you also write down on the black side, like the, you know, the negative things that you want to get rid of like debt, you know.
00:10:40
Speaker
I don't know, like.
00:10:43
Speaker
like not abundance, like whatever, like you put like the stuff that you, like you want to banish or reject, you know, non-success or, you know, for the thing to not work out.
00:10:54
Speaker
And so I went through with the whole, you know, practice and everything and I let the candle burn and things like that.
00:11:00
Speaker
And then I think after it, I was like, okay, like it's burnt.
00:11:02
Speaker
Like I feel like,
00:11:04
Speaker
Now I can really like I had that bad experience where I did not get that position.
00:11:08
Speaker
But I was like, you know what?
00:11:09
Speaker
I know one thing that needs to happen right now and I need to quit this job.
00:11:12
Speaker
And that's when I had popped into my brain and I quit my per diem job and then went into thinking like maybe I can tough out my like full time job.
00:11:28
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:31
Speaker
maybe I could do it.
00:11:32
Speaker
You know, I like don't have that much time left.
00:11:34
Speaker
And then I had to like, the thing happened this year, earlier this year.
00:11:38
Speaker
And then that made me think about it.
00:11:39
Speaker
And I was just like,
00:11:42
Speaker
I just feel like I deserve better.
00:11:43
Speaker
Like, I feel like I, you know, put my intention into wanting, you know, a better for myself and I need to really start to do that.
00:11:56
Speaker
And so it's been I think the idea was cooking for a couple months and I just started feeling and getting lazy.
00:12:04
Speaker
And then there.
00:12:05
Speaker
you know, review happened.
00:12:07
Speaker
And then I was just like, it almost like dawned on me.
00:12:10
Speaker
And that moment where I'm like talking to my manager and I'm just like...
00:12:19
Speaker
I don't need this.
00:12:21
Speaker
I'm better than this.
00:12:22
Speaker
I know that I can do better than this.
00:12:27
Speaker
I'm overwhelmed.
00:12:28
Speaker
I come home.
00:12:29
Speaker
I'm burnt out.
00:12:31
Speaker
Even if I took a second job, and I was looking for another job, I was looking to get back into therapy, even if...
00:12:39
Speaker
I found a second job.
00:12:41
Speaker
Like I was still going to be so fucking drained.
00:12:45
Speaker
And as I'm thinking about that, like as it's popping up in my brain of like, I need to get out of this job because I don't like the fact that my manager did this like switch up on me where like I'm like going into my review thinking, okay, this is going to be great and it's going to be whatever.
00:13:02
Speaker
And then I just, you know, something comes up that wasn't really my fault.
00:13:08
Speaker
Or something that's not even really my job.
00:13:11
Speaker
And I relayed the message and it just like fell off.
00:13:17
Speaker
And I got, you know, scolded for that.
00:13:20
Speaker
I was just like...
00:13:22
Speaker
I don't deserve this.
00:13:23
Speaker
I deserve better.
00:13:24
Speaker
Like I do so much working here.
00:13:26
Speaker
Like I'm one of my coworkers has said I'm like a wealth, like a black book of like wealth, like of resources.
00:13:34
Speaker
Like I have so many like experiences and like different things that I've done where I know that.
00:13:43
Speaker
That I'm a valuable asset to anywhere I go because there's just so much.
00:13:47
Speaker
I just know stuff.
00:13:48
Speaker
Like, I don't know how to really explain it, but I literally feel like that's the one thing.
00:13:54
Speaker
If I don't know anything else, I'm going to know something.
00:13:58
Speaker
Like, I'm going to know how to...
00:14:01
Speaker
push something like an application through.
00:14:03
Speaker
I'm going to know how to fill something out.
00:14:05
Speaker
I'm going to know what the back door is.
00:14:08
Speaker
Because that's my thing is like, I like to find shortcuts to get what I want because that's the thing.
00:14:14
Speaker
It's like, you don't want to spend too long doing things.
00:14:19
Speaker
the, uh, task or whatever, thinking about it, wasting mental energy, um, you know, finding shortcut ways to get things done, um, being efficient.
00:14:29
Speaker
And that's like what I really pride myself on.
00:14:31
Speaker
And so when I heard my coworker say that, I was just like, Oh, okay.
00:14:34
Speaker
Like, you know, I'm being seen, I'm being recognized, you know, I love that.
00:14:39
Speaker
Um, that's what the astrological girl he said was in store for me in May.
00:14:43
Speaker
Um, um,
00:14:44
Speaker
And yeah, so I just, it was in that moment, I was like, I can't do this.
00:14:49
Speaker
And so I started it.
00:14:50
Speaker
And it's so funny, because the job that I got or have, I'm starting is a job that I apply for, maybe a week after that evaluation, a week or two after that evaluation, because I was like,
00:15:04
Speaker
starting to feel super
Career Transition and Reflections
00:15:06
Speaker
burnt out.
00:15:06
Speaker
Like I was like, okay, like I didn't realize my review was going to be like this.
00:15:11
Speaker
I didn't think that I was going to have this experience in this way because I do so much work.
00:15:19
Speaker
Like I do so much.
00:15:20
Speaker
I feel so tired by the end of the day between like talking to all my coworkers and, you know, helping them figure out problems, trying to figure out my own problems.
00:15:29
Speaker
Like I feel so drained and it's like you come home and
00:15:34
Speaker
you know, you just don't feel like doing anything.
00:15:36
Speaker
You feel like a bump on the log.
00:15:38
Speaker
And I just don't like feeling like that after work.
00:15:41
Speaker
So I was like, I got to get out of here.
00:15:43
Speaker
So I applied, found out like the interview process was a little slow, but they got back to me and I'm starting at the end of the month and I'm really excited about that.
00:15:54
Speaker
Like that's
00:15:57
Speaker
And it's a macro job.
00:15:59
Speaker
Like, that's the other part to this.
00:16:01
Speaker
It's the fact that this is how I know it's part of my manifestation because I...
00:16:09
Speaker
have been wanting for the longest to break out of direct practice work.
00:16:15
Speaker
And this doesn't say I won't still be, you know, talking to families and things like that, but this is way more like program oversight, like being a program analyst will be my title.
00:16:26
Speaker
And I...
00:16:30
Speaker
I don't know.
00:16:30
Speaker
I can just like... I know it's so funny because I think about this in contrast to the episode I did a few months ago or a month or two ago where I was talking about feeling like I needed a win.
00:16:47
Speaker
And this is it.
00:16:49
Speaker
And I'm like...
00:16:51
Speaker
it's the hard work.
00:16:52
Speaker
It's the dedication.
00:16:53
Speaker
It like all paid off.
00:16:55
Speaker
And it's like, everything just starts, like started falling into place, like where I needed it to fall.
00:17:02
Speaker
And I'm like, it's a little scary because it's like, okay, I know I work for this, but damn, like I took, I spent $500 on a course and I'm definitely plugged this guy's course before.
00:17:16
Speaker
I still have to tell him I got this job, but like,
00:17:23
Speaker
I have to give some of the credit to him because what happened was his name, again, Versatile Social Worker.
00:17:32
Speaker
He helps social workers stretch their master's degrees and find other ways to break into macro fields or fields that social workers might normally not look at to getting into.
00:17:46
Speaker
And so I was like, okay, this happened around February where I was just like, it was –
00:17:52
Speaker
I was coming off my birthday.
00:17:54
Speaker
I found out the one therapy job I was looking for or looking, trying to get into or had gotten into.
00:18:01
Speaker
I was really excited about, you know, that they had to put me on pause.
00:18:08
Speaker
And then I just was like, damn, like, I can't.
00:18:12
Speaker
get myself to keep working this job and not have this other, not have other income coming in or, you know, not be working more towards like finding, because my clinical supervision has been, you know, so-so I feel like as of late.
00:18:31
Speaker
And it's only because of the fact that, you know,
00:18:35
Speaker
A lot of my work is like it's very mezzo in the sense of like I work within a health system that works within the city and it our specific clinic targets a, you know, a demographic and.
00:18:49
Speaker
But then my program targets pretty much the whole city.
00:18:54
Speaker
And actually surrounding county or tri-state area, I should say, and counties of Philadelphia and Pennsylvania.
00:19:03
Speaker
So I just, I don't know, like, it just feels like it's a job that's run its course for me.
00:19:09
Speaker
I feel like I'm getting very bored.
00:19:11
Speaker
I'm getting very exhausted.
00:19:14
Speaker
Like, just the thought of going to work just makes me want to, like, literally just, like, throw myself out a window.
00:19:20
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:22
Speaker
It is an only thing that's really gotten me through, I think, is the fact that I have good friends that are co-workers.
00:19:29
Speaker
So I think this job was necessary for me in a sense of this was really, I think, my job that was my stepping stone into.
00:19:43
Speaker
figuring out the macro stuff because I was able to start understanding and using a lot more of my, um, those sets of skills in this job, um, by, you know, basically doing prep, uh, for the health system.
00:20:00
Speaker
So I am just so grateful and thankful, um, to God, the universe, like, um,
00:20:10
Speaker
ancestors, like, spirit beings, like, whoever is looking out, because...
00:20:15
Speaker
The fact that that happened, I was like, what the hell?
00:20:22
Speaker
Because I did not expect it.
00:20:23
Speaker
So that was my good news.
00:20:27
Speaker
And I just can't wait.
00:20:28
Speaker
Now, the resignation part, and I'm saying it like, I'm telling y'all this now because this will be on the air, but like my literal resignation is in my email address and I'm sending it Friday afternoon and I just can't wait.
00:20:40
Speaker
It's gonna be really interesting, I think, to see what happens next.
00:20:43
Speaker
I don't
00:20:46
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, it's sad and it's unfortunate.
00:20:48
Speaker
And it's not like one of those things where I feel like I'm happy that I have this new job.
00:20:56
Speaker
It just sucks because I know that whoever takes my job next is going to be in for a doozy if the, you know, job doesn't get, you know, restructured or something because it gets busy as crap.
00:21:10
Speaker
Like, there's literally days like...
00:21:14
Speaker
You know, I just feel like I need 12 hours to do everything and no lunch break just because I have to keep looking at the computer.
00:21:21
Speaker
I have to keep checking charts.
00:21:22
Speaker
I have to go in and out of programs, Excel, Word, Teams, like Outlook's going off left and right, like literally notifications all day long.
00:21:34
Speaker
And then they kept notifying us about the program, the protest that was happening.
00:21:38
Speaker
I'm like, OK, like I get it.
00:21:40
Speaker
Like, you know, we have a protest right now and, you know, it's for something that we honestly can stop doing.
00:21:47
Speaker
Like we can stop killing people.
00:21:50
Speaker
Just stop like distracting me from my work.
00:21:54
Speaker
And so it's just like going in and out of different things and, and.
00:21:58
Speaker
putting data, like there's not a lot of automation, like stuff doesn't really get automated in my job.
00:22:04
Speaker
And there's no systems for that.
00:22:06
Speaker
You know, like, that's just it.
00:22:08
Speaker
Like, I feel like that's kind of the case with HIV work period, but nothing really gets automated or like,
00:22:17
Speaker
And maybe in healthcare, period.
00:22:18
Speaker
But specifically in our work because of how there's different software, the government's more involved in terms of infectious disease interventions and...
00:22:36
Speaker
like the CDC, like there's all of these different like elements where it is a lot more, um, it's less automated.
00:22:43
Speaker
Like you can't, there's not, I mean, there's stuff for patients are becoming like way more advanced, but on the backend, it's like, you still have to do a, you know, assessment.
00:22:53
Speaker
You still have to find the resources.
00:22:56
Speaker
You gotta, you know, provide the counseling.
00:22:58
Speaker
You have to, um,
00:23:01
Speaker
you know, call, schedule.
00:23:04
Speaker
Like, it's just a lot of shit.
00:23:06
Speaker
Like, it's just like fight with the insurance company.
00:23:08
Speaker
It's a lot of shit.
00:23:09
Speaker
So I wish that there was more that could be
00:23:15
Speaker
automated or just done to make things easier for patients or people that are just like trying to access healthcare.
00:23:25
Speaker
But it's a lot.
00:23:26
Speaker
And it's a lot of, you know, we don't have enough money.
00:23:31
Speaker
It's a lot of, we don't know where the next funders, like when the next funding sources, like, you know, I'd
00:23:40
Speaker
One of our positions is not all the way funded.
00:23:42
Speaker
Like, it's just a lot of shit.
00:23:45
Speaker
Like, it's a lot, a lot of shit.
00:23:46
Speaker
And the need is just the fact that the need is still there.
00:23:52
Speaker
Like, the need is still there, but the resources get less and less over time.
00:23:59
Speaker
And...
00:24:01
Speaker
Like, I thought they might have hired another me by now, but that never happened.
00:24:04
Speaker
And I was like, I don't think that's ever going to happen.
00:24:07
Speaker
And I think I just need to get out.
00:24:09
Speaker
And that's what I did.
00:24:13
Speaker
So, excuse me.
00:24:15
Speaker
I'm proud of myself.
00:24:22
Speaker
Excuse me.
00:24:23
Speaker
I had to take that sip.
00:24:24
Speaker
I was getting my voice was starting to go.
00:24:26
Speaker
Yeah, so that was my... That was the beginning of my last week.
00:24:32
Speaker
And then the end of last week, I went to... Where the fuck did I go?
00:24:36
Speaker
I went to... Oh, Black Philly Pride.
Community Events and Social Life
00:24:41
Speaker
They did some events.
00:24:42
Speaker
I wanted to go to the thing on Friday.
00:24:44
Speaker
It was like an opening.
00:24:46
Speaker
And it's so crazy because like...
00:24:49
Speaker
I know I'm going to be recognized at some point by...
00:24:55
Speaker
some people that, uh, some clients that I used to see, um, in this, like, as, as I'm trying, as I've been trying to like break more into, or like be more present at, uh, gay events, I'm like, damn, I know I'm going to run into some people at some point.
00:25:14
Speaker
And it's going to be, uh, kind of interesting.
00:25:16
Speaker
It's interesting because I don't really go outside that, like that, that much.
00:25:20
Speaker
Like I, I,
00:25:21
Speaker
I do stuff and I go places and things like that, but I'm not outside every, every, every day.
00:25:26
Speaker
Because one thing about me is I move with intention when it is time to go outside.
00:25:31
Speaker
Like I don't just go outside to just go outside.
00:25:36
Speaker
Um, so yeah, I know I'm going to see some people, but anyway, I went, I wanted to go to that.
00:25:40
Speaker
They were there and I was like, all right, well, glad I didn't go.
00:25:43
Speaker
And then, um, I went to Saturday and
00:25:48
Speaker
Because I knew I wasn't going there.
00:25:50
Speaker
I was exhausted.
00:25:51
Speaker
I was tired last week.
00:25:53
Speaker
Because I knew I wasn't going there on Friday.
00:25:55
Speaker
I was like, let me see what's going on Saturday.
00:25:58
Speaker
I went to an R&B day party.
00:26:01
Speaker
It's a monthly party that's hosted by Jay Latte.
00:26:05
Speaker
He's a DJ here in Philly.
00:26:10
Speaker
The first time I heard of him was at Sweat, which is one of the Sway parties.
00:26:17
Speaker
It's like a...
00:26:19
Speaker
I think I talked about this last year, but Sweat is just this, like, pro... It is this day party that happens at the pier on Penn's Landing here in Philadelphia.
00:26:29
Speaker
And it's like an outside... I guess it gives very much, like...
00:26:36
Speaker
one step away from white party if that makes sense because I don't yeah because you can kind of wear whatever but like it's a fun it's a fun party I like it um that was my first year going but I liked it I might go back this year um but anyway um that was the first time I heard of him and I was like I've never been to his R&B parties and like let me just go because I'm getting back into R&B I'm listening to a lot of R&B lately like I was listening to Anita Baker yesterday like that's
00:27:05
Speaker
Not R&B, really, but The Quiet Storm is teetering on R&B for me.
00:27:12
Speaker
And so I went.
00:27:14
Speaker
It was pretty fun.
00:27:16
Speaker
I went early.
00:27:17
Speaker
My friend, me and Alexis, went out to...
00:27:23
Speaker
We went to this ballet called Ballet X afterwards.
00:27:27
Speaker
And then Sunday, I went out to the Black Philly Pride block party that was happening outside of Woody's, which was good.
00:27:38
Speaker
It was weird because people kept complaining about this homeless man.
00:27:41
Speaker
That smelled like pee at one point.
00:27:43
Speaker
I was just kind of like, I mean, it's not his fault, like not too much on him.
00:27:47
Speaker
You know, he's homeless.
00:27:48
Speaker
Like, there's nothing he can do about that.
00:27:50
Speaker
So it just was awkward because I kept I was just standing there and people I think were noticing that I was just standing there.
00:27:56
Speaker
But I don't know, like, it's hard for me to break into.
00:28:00
Speaker
queer spaces or spaces in general, like not just gay spaces, but it's hard for me to just jump into spaces where people are already friends.
00:28:09
Speaker
Like, if I am a like person on the outside, and I am coming into a circle of, I don't know, friends or of groups of people that know each other, it's like weird.
00:28:23
Speaker
Like, the thing is, is I feel like
00:28:27
Speaker
I almost feel like at some point you have to like, if you are noticing that, like stepping aside, cause I'm like, how do you meet people?
00:28:37
Speaker
And that's the thing about Philly to me is it's very, and I'll talk about this with my final thought, but like, it's very clicky.
00:28:48
Speaker
Like everybody knows each other and you have to kind of be with the in crowd and
00:28:55
Speaker
And the bars are dominated, like the gay bars are dominated by people that, by like the same kinds of people.
00:29:05
Speaker
Like there's not really, like, and that's the crazy part about it.
00:29:09
Speaker
Because you would think that, you know, like that was just the one facet of the gay identity.
00:29:17
Speaker
But there's guys that don't even go to the bars.
00:29:19
Speaker
And it's like, well, how do y'all meet people?
00:29:20
Speaker
Like, how do y'all...
00:29:22
Speaker
Uh, talk to people outside.
00:29:23
Speaker
If you don't go, you're not on Grindr, you don't go to the bars.
00:29:25
Speaker
Like, what are you doing?
00:29:27
Speaker
Um, cause I need to find you guys.
00:29:29
Speaker
Um, and so I don't know, but I still just went.
00:29:32
Speaker
Cause I was like, I, it's a, you know, an event.
00:29:35
Speaker
It was free to get in.
00:29:37
Speaker
Um, it was something to do to get me out the house.
00:29:40
Speaker
I wasn't just laying around.
00:29:42
Speaker
And then I had dinner with my sister and that was it for the weekend.
00:29:48
Speaker
And then the beginning of this week has mainly been me winding down at my main job.
00:29:56
Speaker
I can't believe I'm still telling y'all this.
00:29:57
Speaker
It's because I'm smacked a little bit.
00:30:01
Speaker
And if y'all can't tell, like I'm literally smacked a little bit as I talk about this, but it's,
00:30:10
Speaker
Yeah, it's just been like a very busy week, to say the least, just winding down, trying to get everything like situated, like I'm starting processes for how to do things, like what things need to be done in the role, just different shit like that.
00:30:27
Speaker
Like, I'm just doing little things like that.
00:30:29
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:33
Speaker
And the, our report, like our monthly report is due.
00:30:37
Speaker
And I'm like, oh my God, like it's a course due on like right around the time when like I'm putting my resignation in and, you know, everything's like going the way it's going, but it'll be fine.
00:30:49
Speaker
Um, you know, once that's done, I can focus more on like what offloading my job will look like.
00:30:55
Speaker
And, um,
00:30:57
Speaker
trying to provide somewhat of a smooth transition because it's going to be a bad joint.
00:31:01
Speaker
Like, I'm not going to lie.
00:31:03
Speaker
Like, it's going to be a bad joint because the thing is, is that I do a lot of stuff at my job.
00:31:08
Speaker
Like, I do, I catch a lot of stuff.
00:31:12
Speaker
I, you know, that's just, and that's why I feel like I'd be a perfect analyst because, you know,
00:31:18
Speaker
I can identify mistakes.
00:31:21
Speaker
I can identify like what processes are not working out.
00:31:24
Speaker
Like I can identify and like evaluate like, you know, workflows and, you know, whether or not something is successful.
00:31:34
Speaker
So I just feel like.
00:31:38
Speaker
Doing that on a smaller scale of looking into like patient charts and just trying to figure out like of all their labs, you know, medication visits were up to date, making sure they came in for their injections, doing all that stuff.
00:31:54
Speaker
Um, that a lot of stuff that happens, that's me.
00:31:57
Speaker
Like I literally do that because there's so many people in the health system.
00:32:02
Speaker
Like there are so many people and me alone, I do that.
00:32:05
Speaker
And so when that does not get done, when people fought, when it falls to the wayside or, you know, they don't try enough to get someone in, then the program starts to lag.
00:32:15
Speaker
And I, I don't know.
00:32:18
Speaker
It's just going to be one of those things where I feel like,
00:32:22
Speaker
It's funny to me because it's like, oh, you know, this is what happens when you play around and I don't fuck around.
00:32:29
Speaker
Like, that's like point blank periods.
00:32:31
Speaker
I don't fuck around when it comes to
00:32:35
Speaker
work and when i feel like someone's starting to fuck with me or like i'm feeling gaslit or manipulated or anything like that where i feel like is this real like is this real life because y'all we're gonna throw this one job at me like earlier last year uh for a dollar more and i said no and i
00:33:03
Speaker
And then a job that I know I could do because I'm like really qualified and I have a lot of experience and I know a lot of the resources in Philadelphia.
00:33:13
Speaker
And y'all saying no for that.
00:33:14
Speaker
So I was like, okay, all right, I got you.
00:33:17
Speaker
And then that evaluation, that was like the cherry on top.
00:33:20
Speaker
And I was just like, girl, I gotta get out of here because this is like not real life.
00:33:26
Speaker
So yeah.
00:33:27
Speaker
So it's like funny in that regard, but then it's like,
00:33:31
Speaker
bittersweet because the bitter part is that I do like my coworkers and I do feel like even though my job is stressful, it's not, it's a lot of work, but it's not a bad job to have in a sense of if you were like just starting out, like, or if you were like in my stage of like transitioning, because I'm like, I'll be like this month, I'm five years into having graduated from social work school.
00:34:04
Speaker
Having gotten to this point of direct care for over five years, I feel like I know a lot.
00:34:09
Speaker
I know a lot of stuff.
00:34:10
Speaker
I know I've been in both the mental health and the health care system.
00:34:17
Speaker
So there's a lot of things that I know and know how to do.
00:34:19
Speaker
And I just feel like.
00:34:21
Speaker
And my experience being a kidney transplant patient, I'm like, I literally know so much and, you know, what to do and how to do things and how things get done.
00:34:30
Speaker
And, you know, and I was just like, you know what, I just got to, I got to get out of this, though, because this is too much.
00:34:38
Speaker
So I think my job is, it was a good stepping stone for me.
00:34:42
Speaker
And I think all my jobs were that for me, like whether or not, you know, we ended up on good terms or whatever.
00:34:48
Speaker
I think all my jobs are that for me.
00:34:51
Speaker
Like I never want to hate my employer.
00:34:55
Speaker
I mean, and when I do hate my employer, I just up and leave because I've done that before.
00:35:00
Speaker
But I really do try to stick it out and I really try to
00:35:05
Speaker
Like, give the benefit of the doubt.
00:35:06
Speaker
But when it starts to get to a point where I'm just like, I'm not dealing with this shit.
00:35:11
Speaker
Like, I'm just not dealing with it, like, anymore.
00:35:13
Speaker
And I'm going to find a way out.
00:35:16
Speaker
And taking that grant writing class, like, thank God I...
00:35:21
Speaker
Was able to find that because that helped out a lot, too, with some of this, like, arguing or not arguing, but, like, painting this picture in my interviews of, like, who I am and, like, what I do, you know, because I was going to pay for this class regardless if they gave me my money back or not.
00:35:40
Speaker
They're supposed to, but, you know, we'll see.
00:35:43
Speaker
After his resignation goes in.
00:35:45
Speaker
But...
00:35:46
Speaker
And, you know, needless to say, either way, I'm like, it was an investment.
00:35:51
Speaker
I was like, even if I don't get this money back,
00:35:54
Speaker
it's an investment.
00:35:54
Speaker
Like if I get a job before this class ends, I was like, it's just an investment on my, you know, my education, my learning.
00:36:06
Speaker
And it's like, everything just kind of happened in the same day.
00:36:08
Speaker
It was like, boom, here's your certificate.
00:36:10
Speaker
Here's this job offer.
00:36:11
Speaker
Here's the offer letter.
00:36:12
Speaker
Here's your contract for your new therapy job.
00:36:14
Speaker
Like all of these things happened.
00:36:16
Speaker
And I was just like,
00:36:18
Speaker
It's been overwhelming in a good way.
00:36:21
Speaker
So I'm really excited about that.
00:36:25
Speaker
I'm glad I got a podcast to talk about that for like, I don't know if that was like how long that was.
00:36:31
Speaker
Moving on.
Discussion on Music and Identity
00:36:33
Speaker
I just wanted to talk briefly, though, about Drake.
00:36:37
Speaker
I don't know where my phone is.
00:36:38
Speaker
I should pull up my notes, but I don't really know what's going on in regards to the Drake episode.
00:36:48
Speaker
hate.
00:36:49
Speaker
I don't know what the core, I don't know where, where this all kind of stemmed from.
00:36:55
Speaker
Like, I don't know.
00:36:57
Speaker
I don't know.
00:36:57
Speaker
And I don't really care.
00:36:59
Speaker
I think the thing that has been interesting to me though, is the discussion around Drake's identity of being biracial and whether or not he's black enough.
00:37:11
Speaker
And I think that was like maybe, and some of the racism that
00:37:19
Speaker
I think that's more interesting to talk about because I think there are people, the way I'm kind of interpreting it has been that Drake, like it's interesting because he's not someone that has this history of being in the trenches.
00:37:46
Speaker
But he raps a lot about
00:37:49
Speaker
he's able to really capitalize off of the genre of rap and hip hop because of that's what it is.
00:37:58
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:37:59
Speaker
Like that's what, you know, people talk about, especially people, you know, from the hood, they talk about the same things you drink, talk about, like, but Drake didn't have that growth, that experience growing up.
00:38:10
Speaker
And so that's why people are like, okay, white boy, because,
00:38:15
Speaker
You were raised, you know, by your white mom.
00:38:17
Speaker
And you... It's like, what do you really know about... I think that's what it is.
00:38:27
Speaker
It's like, you don't really... Like, I think Drake is a good rapper.
00:38:30
Speaker
Like, someone said this before, but they think, you know, about Drake being a good rapper overall.
00:38:35
Speaker
But he's a good mainstream rapper.
00:38:37
Speaker
He's, like, someone I think that is...
00:38:43
Speaker
More of... Like, him and Nikki, like, are...
00:38:47
Speaker
Not even Nicki, because Nicki's a good rapper.
00:38:49
Speaker
I feel like, I don't know, Drake is a good rapper, but he's just a commercial.
00:38:52
Speaker
And I feel like Nicki's commercial now, too.
00:38:53
Speaker
I'm just going to say it.
00:38:55
Speaker
I mean, she's been commercial for a while, but I just feel like they're both very, they're going to do what, they're not going to be innovative.
00:39:01
Speaker
They're not going to do anything that is like innovative, new.
00:39:04
Speaker
They're going to pretty much play it safe.
00:39:07
Speaker
You know, Drake does try to experiment like here and there a little bit, maybe more than Nicki.
00:39:11
Speaker
But I feel like early in Nicki's career, she did a lot more experimenting than she's doing now.
00:39:17
Speaker
that's just how I feel.
00:39:18
Speaker
And I just feel like Drake is, um, like I said, they're both good rappers, but I think they're like very comfortable with just doing what makes the money, you know, and not really expanding or branching out too much.
00:39:32
Speaker
Kendrick on the other hand.
00:39:33
Speaker
And, um, I, you know, they're J Cole's in this too.
00:39:36
Speaker
And people are like, you know, he's more of a lyricist like J Cole.
00:39:41
Speaker
Um,
00:39:43
Speaker
But Kendrick's more of like the artist.
00:39:47
Speaker
Like he's more of the one that is like mixing it up and not just sticking to like he's and he's actually from like the hood, you know, or growing up, you know, the hood as in like, I say the hood as like an umbrella for like growing up, you know, in the trenches.
00:40:10
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:12
Speaker
He just didn't come from money.
00:40:14
Speaker
I'm just going to say it that way.
00:40:15
Speaker
That's the way I'll say it.
00:40:17
Speaker
And so, yeah, I think that it's just interesting how there is this classism or this economic thing that's also this indicator.
00:40:28
Speaker
It's almost like a scale.
00:40:30
Speaker
Like when you think of like, you know, how you rate blackness, like,
00:40:35
Speaker
you know, were you raised poor or were you raised, you know, or, you know, with more money, like, is that an indicator for how black you are or, um, skin tone?
00:40:47
Speaker
Like that's another one.
00:40:49
Speaker
Um, hair textures, um, like how close to, you know, C4 is your hair texture?
00:40:59
Speaker
Like, if you look, like, lighter in some photos, you know, that's what they did with Beyonce when she had the more platinum hair.
00:41:09
Speaker
It was like, oh, my gosh, she's bleaching.
00:41:10
Speaker
And it's like, girl, she just likes to stop.
00:41:14
Speaker
But yeah, it's like another thing that you are balancing or trying to gauge someone's street cred, so to speak.
00:41:23
Speaker
And it's just interesting how that's the thing that people have been targeting about Drake is because of his upbringing.
00:41:36
Speaker
I think that's just like, I think that's the point.
00:41:38
Speaker
I think that's kind of like the point of what like the argument is that's going on.
00:41:47
Speaker
But it's interesting to me that on the one hand, I do agree that like, if you do have black and you're black, but I also do understand and recognize that like,
00:42:02
Speaker
not all black folk are kinfolk and i feel like drake is maybe one of them people like he likes to play in in it and he likes to use it as an aesthetic um because he didn't come from it like he didn't come out of it or whatever you know he was never at the bottom um
00:42:31
Speaker
So I don't know.
00:42:31
Speaker
I don't know.
00:42:33
Speaker
There's something just interesting to think about in terms of this idea of blackness and what it means to be black.
00:42:39
Speaker
Because it's interesting because even if a white person were to go through the same things as a black person, it's like you still wouldn't discount their...
00:42:52
Speaker
Or you wouldn't just say, oh, well, they're not Black.
00:42:54
Speaker
They never grew up Black.
00:42:56
Speaker
You wouldn't say all that.
00:42:57
Speaker
So it's interesting how we talk about Black identity and what it means and how deep and...
00:43:08
Speaker
meaningful or enriching it i i guess it is to us as we like learn about ourselves i don't know i don't know what the message is honestly i don't know what it's supposed to be but i think that um but what i do know i will say this like what i do know is that i think that um i mean i still see drake as a black person
00:43:36
Speaker
Because he's, you know, he has black, he's black, but I do, or he's half black, you know, I feel like mixed people are just black.
00:43:44
Speaker
Like, I just feel like if you're like one half, you're black.
00:43:47
Speaker
If you're one fourth, then I'd start to be like, okay, like we're getting a little, it's getting a little too, too not black, but yeah.
00:43:58
Speaker
I just feel like with him is one of those things where it is like, yeah, you just have to kind of look and see like authenticity and like what, like if you were in that, like if you really are this person or are you just this image, are you cosplaying or are you pretending to be this person?
00:44:18
Speaker
And I think that's the thing that is about a lot of artists.
00:44:23
Speaker
Like,
00:44:25
Speaker
a lot of artists love the the money and attention and the fame and all of that and it can be hard to be your authentic self eventually like i mean you just don't get to be that person like that you maybe really are or you create your this new persona for yourself of like being this person that you are fully in and it's like i don't know it's just interesting to say the least um
00:44:56
Speaker
And it's sad because I feel like with Drake, I'm like, I can't even defend him because it's like you talked about Megan Thee Stallion.
00:45:03
Speaker
And I just feel like that was you never really apologized.
00:45:07
Speaker
So I don't know.
00:45:09
Speaker
It's bad for him.
00:45:10
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:12
Speaker
This also kind of leads me into, like, Degrassi, you know, just briefly talking about his character.
00:45:19
Speaker
Because I'm, like, going to talk about Degrassi next.
00:45:21
Speaker
Like, this is where we're... It's like a transition.
00:45:24
Speaker
Like, we're going to transition into the next thing.
00:45:29
Speaker
I don't know why him and Hazel were paired together.
00:45:31
Speaker
Like, I honestly...
00:45:35
Speaker
I still don't understand.
00:45:36
Speaker
I just watched that episode and I still don't really understand what they have really that's in common.
00:45:42
Speaker
That's interesting.
00:45:46
Speaker
I also just want to know, I mean, I'm around season four at Degrassi right now.
00:45:51
Speaker
So I just want to know why that lawyer was going so hard to prove that Paige wanted Dean to have sex with her when she clearly said it was rape.
00:46:01
Speaker
That was weird as a woman to argue.
00:46:04
Speaker
And this is why I can't be a lawyer, because I can't lie.
00:46:07
Speaker
Because it's like, I'm not going to do some... That seems really foul to be like...
00:46:12
Speaker
So you wanted him to.
00:46:14
Speaker
Like, why would you suggest going upstairs with him if you didn't want to?
00:46:16
Speaker
Like, I wouldn't say that to somebody.
00:46:18
Speaker
Like, that's fucked up.
00:46:20
Speaker
Because that's... And when you think back to the episode, the circumstance or the only reason she asked him to go upstairs was because her and Spinner were going through a fight and she didn't want to be around him.
00:46:33
Speaker
So she went upstairs to be away from him.
00:46:37
Speaker
And that was it.
00:46:37
Speaker
That was kind of the thing.
00:46:41
Speaker
And I feel like...
00:46:43
Speaker
She I mean, she didn't say that, but because they kept asking her, she didn't say that.
00:46:47
Speaker
But it's hard to remember that like stuff in the moment where you're on trial and you're like going through it, you know, and then you have some woman that is a lawyer, you know, where you have to assume like you've never experienced a sexual assault in your life.
00:47:03
Speaker
Like this woman, you know, maybe hasn't because it's like, how could you ask this person?
00:47:08
Speaker
Poor girl, like this teenage girl, while she went upstairs with an 18-year-old or 17.
00:47:13
Speaker
I forgot how old he was, but he was a senior.
00:47:17
Speaker
And so that was wild.
00:47:19
Speaker
But the thing that really, I got to the episodes with Marco and Dylan, I started being like, damn, this is...
00:47:30
Speaker
Triggering something in me.
00:47:31
Speaker
And I feel like it's triggering something in me.
00:47:33
Speaker
Because I'm.
00:47:34
Speaker
I think I'm back on my.
00:47:36
Speaker
I kind of want a relationship.
00:47:37
Speaker
But I don't want to.
00:47:41
Speaker
Like.
00:47:43
Speaker
wish for it too much, if that makes sense.
00:47:45
Speaker
Like, I want it to happen, but I don't, like, I'm scared of, like, when it happens, like, damn, like, what's going to happen?
00:47:52
Speaker
Like, you know what I mean?
00:47:53
Speaker
Like, I don't even have one yet, and I'm like, damn, what's going to happen?
00:47:56
Speaker
Like, that's what my therapist told me to stop doing.
00:47:59
Speaker
But it's just the idea that, like, their relationship was so strong that
00:48:15
Speaker
Like, they were together for a while.
00:48:17
Speaker
Like, they were together for years.
00:48:18
Speaker
And then the fact that Dylan even, like, pushed Marco to do certain things, like, come out to his family, even though he wasn't ready.
00:48:26
Speaker
And, like, I don't know, like.
00:48:32
Speaker
He ended up getting gay bashed and all of this and that, like, and kept, like, pressuring Marco about, like, all of these, like, about his, um, about him not wanting to come out.
Media Representation and Relationships
00:48:43
Speaker
When, in retrospect, I'm like, they're...
00:48:46
Speaker
he did kind of sort of rush them a little bit.
00:48:49
Speaker
Um, you know, by the beginning of season three, when like they had their date or whatever, I think in season three, at the end of season three, um, or towards the end of season three, I'll say.
00:49:03
Speaker
And, uh, you know, went to the party and all of this and that, and then the beginning of season four, um,
00:49:09
Speaker
And that's when Marco ran for president at his school.
00:49:15
Speaker
And he came out to his mom.
00:49:18
Speaker
And that's basically because Dylan forced him to come out to his mom.
00:49:22
Speaker
And then... I'm not there yet.
00:49:25
Speaker
But then eventually, you know, Dylan cheats on Marco.
00:49:28
Speaker
And it's like, what the fuck?
00:49:31
Speaker
Like, how could you cheat on him?
00:49:32
Speaker
Because Marco loves you.
00:49:35
Speaker
Like, he's like, in your fucking corner.
00:49:38
Speaker
Like...
00:49:40
Speaker
Stupid, excuse me, stupid dumb shit.
00:49:45
Speaker
Tired as fuck.
00:49:46
Speaker
I can't wait to go to bed.
00:49:46
Speaker
That's stupid dumb shit.
00:49:49
Speaker
Like, it's just stupid dumb shit.
00:49:52
Speaker
And... Cheats on him, tries to earn, like, get Marco back.
00:49:57
Speaker
Eventually, you know, he keeps trying, keeps trying, keeps trying.
00:50:00
Speaker
And then Marco, he... Marco... Well, he pushes Marco too far.
00:50:06
Speaker
Marco snaps on him.
00:50:07
Speaker
But...
00:50:08
Speaker
It is hard.
00:50:09
Speaker
Like, it is hard to rewatch because I didn't watch many... Like, I didn't have, like, gay friends.
00:50:15
Speaker
Like, I didn't have gay friends growing up, really.
00:50:19
Speaker
I had, like, lesbian friends here and there, but we weren't close.
00:50:25
Speaker
And then I, you know, always kind of had a more girl-centric or femme-centric circle most of my life.
00:50:34
Speaker
So I just never really got to experience what it was like to...
00:50:38
Speaker
Be in a relationship Or like have friendships with other gays So I don't really know what that's
00:50:45
Speaker
like too much um and that'll transition us eventually again to our final thought but like it's just like really interesting you know having this first experience watching the show and now watching it again as an adult and seeing the ways in which marco was essentially manipulated by dylan um and how
00:51:12
Speaker
Dylan, because he like essentially he's like, all right, Marco, I'm breaking up with you if you're not going to come out to your mom or your dad.
00:51:18
Speaker
And then, you know, Marco's like, I'm not ready to come out to my dad.
00:51:21
Speaker
He's like, OK, I guess.
00:51:23
Speaker
But, you know, you're working on it, but I'll take you back and then I'll cheat on you and then get mad at him and try to make him jealous.
00:51:35
Speaker
It just was a lot.
00:51:36
Speaker
He was a very manipulative character.
00:51:41
Speaker
He could be loving, of course, but I just felt like he was just manipulative.
00:51:45
Speaker
And I'm like, damn.
00:51:49
Speaker
It sucks because he's... He's the pretty boy.
00:51:54
Speaker
He's a pretty boy.
00:51:55
Speaker
He's older.
00:51:56
Speaker
He seems more mature.
00:51:58
Speaker
He's more sure about himself.
00:52:01
Speaker
He's all of the things that you want and...
00:52:04
Speaker
Or at least I want.
00:52:05
Speaker
And like a partner.
00:52:08
Speaker
Not... I mean, you know... That's age appropriate, of course.
00:52:13
Speaker
But... And that should kind of go without saying.
00:52:16
Speaker
But... Just someone that is more mature.
00:52:20
Speaker
More like... Has a good head on their shoulders.
00:52:22
Speaker
That's okay with who they are.
00:52:25
Speaker
That is... You know, that feels like they love you no matter what.
00:52:32
Speaker
Um...
00:52:33
Speaker
But those other parts of Dylan are just really, like, looking at the show now and, like, stepping back.
00:52:42
Speaker
I'm like, yeah, he wasn't really that great of a character.
00:52:44
Speaker
Because he basically forced his boyfriend to come out to his family.
00:52:48
Speaker
Which, I mean, thank God it worked out.
00:52:51
Speaker
Because usually that doesn't work out.
00:52:54
Speaker
And then cheated on him.
00:52:58
Speaker
Like, that's, it's too much.
00:53:01
Speaker
It's too much.
00:53:01
Speaker
It's too much.
00:53:03
Speaker
Like, it's too much.
00:53:04
Speaker
I can't.
00:53:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:53:12
Speaker
But yeah, it just, I don't know.
00:53:13
Speaker
It also revered.
00:53:14
Speaker
I think that revigorated my fear of getting cheated on.
00:53:17
Speaker
That's what I think it was.
00:53:19
Speaker
Um, that's why I don't, I get nervous about relationships.
00:53:22
Speaker
Cause I'd be like, I don't know.
00:53:24
Speaker
I know you're supposed to trust people, but like people be just playing you.
00:53:29
Speaker
Like it's, it's crazy.
00:53:31
Speaker
And I just, I like have to watch people.
00:53:33
Speaker
Like I literally have to observe.
00:53:36
Speaker
I have to think about it.
00:53:37
Speaker
I have to put the pieces together.
00:53:39
Speaker
And if the pieces make sense, I'm like, okay, I trust you.
00:53:42
Speaker
But if the pieces make
00:53:44
Speaker
don't make sense after a while, or if I'm watching you and you doing one thing and saying that, I'm like, no, I can't do this.
00:53:49
Speaker
So yeah.
00:53:51
Speaker
Um, it just reinvigorated that fear.
00:53:53
Speaker
And I also was watching Noah's Ark, which was very, which has been very interesting.
00:53:58
Speaker
And maybe I'll talk about that at a different time, but, um,
00:54:02
Speaker
This is my first time watching Noah's Ark.
00:54:04
Speaker
And I'm like, huh, there's a lot of stuff that I feel like I learned.
00:54:07
Speaker
Like, not by watching this show, of course.
00:54:11
Speaker
But I had to learn it on my own when, you know, had I watched the show earlier, I'd have been like, oh, yeah, okay.
00:54:15
Speaker
Like, this is what this means.
00:54:16
Speaker
And, oh, they've been saying, oh, girl, this is T for, like, years.
00:54:20
Speaker
And, you know, just all the vernacular and the things.
00:54:25
Speaker
Like, the fact that this show was, like, I think 2002, 2005.
00:54:27
Speaker
I keep...
00:54:31
Speaker
Forgetting the dates.
00:54:33
Speaker
But because this show was like so... Like this show was basically, yikes, retro a little bit.
00:54:40
Speaker
Especially because of the... They use the T-slur.
00:54:43
Speaker
We don't do that anymore.
00:54:45
Speaker
We're not supposed to do that anymore.
00:54:47
Speaker
Even if it was acceptable.
00:54:48
Speaker
I don't know if it ever was.
00:54:50
Speaker
But we're not, definitely not supposed to do it.
00:54:53
Speaker
Because it was definitely doing it on daytime Mari.
00:54:58
Speaker
But they're not supposed to do it.
00:55:00
Speaker
No one's supposed to do it.
00:55:03
Speaker
But it's just been an interesting watch.
00:55:05
Speaker
And also getting the Black gay perspective, because this is why I also don't watch a lot of gay content, because a lot of it is very white, and I just don't see myself in it.
00:55:15
Speaker
So I think I feel connected to Marco's story because...
00:55:23
Speaker
as a teenager, I identified as him.
00:55:25
Speaker
Like I did go through similar things that he went through or had to have similar concerns and worries and fears.
00:55:34
Speaker
Like that's a shared experience, but the overall experience of, you know, whatever, like it's a TV show, you know, and we don't have the same exact experiences.
00:55:47
Speaker
So yeah.
00:55:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:55:51
Speaker
What else?
00:55:51
Speaker
What else?
00:55:52
Speaker
What else?
00:55:52
Speaker
What else?
00:55:54
Speaker
Yeah, I think I'm going to talk about that Noah's Ark more at a later time because I am tired of shit.
00:56:03
Speaker
So my final thought, essentially, long story short, I'm going to wrap it up for y'all.
00:56:07
Speaker
I'm like tired and I am smacked.
00:56:13
Speaker
I just want to go to bed.
00:56:16
Speaker
Yeah.
00:56:18
Speaker
It's been a long fucking day.
00:56:19
Speaker
I'm so sorry.
00:56:20
Speaker
It's just that, like, I guess, like, kind of reflecting on, like, my experience with Black Gay Pride and going out and, I don't know, just my, like, people, like, knowing people and the not knowing people.
00:56:48
Speaker
How can I say this?
00:56:49
Speaker
Like, there's people that I know from, like, the apps.
00:56:51
Speaker
And then there's people that I know from just the, like, Instagram.
00:56:57
Speaker
Like, the apps, when I say the apps, I mean, like, Grindr, Scruff, all them.
00:57:00
Speaker
And then, like, the apps from Instagram, from interacting with them on their material, their pages, like, things like that.
00:57:07
Speaker
But it feels like I'm not, and I don't know if this will ever happen or if, um...
00:57:14
Speaker
it'll ever be my place or whatever.
00:57:16
Speaker
It's just that I don't know if I'll ever really understand or really be a part of gay culture because I wasn't as introduced to it or as engrossed in it as I am now.
00:57:32
Speaker
Because when I think about myself like,
00:57:36
Speaker
14 years ago, like 18 year old me, I was still like very much heteronormative.
00:57:43
Speaker
Like I, this is very new for me.
00:57:47
Speaker
And, you know, watching some of these shows and seeing, like, for example, with Noah's Ark and how Wade,
00:57:59
Speaker
He was deep in the closet.
00:58:01
Speaker
He was willing to admit that he likes Noah, but not open enough to just kiss him.
00:58:12
Speaker
He needed to get jealous of someone else, of a woman kissing him, for him to be like, nah, this is my man.
00:58:18
Speaker
Let me...
00:58:19
Speaker
Let me scoop in.
00:58:20
Speaker
And it was never like that.
00:58:24
Speaker
It just was always the, it was more of the internalized homophobia, the feeling of like, oh, I don't want to be too feminine.
00:58:33
Speaker
Like, I don't want to do too much.
00:58:34
Speaker
Like, that's not for me.
00:58:37
Speaker
Like, all of that stuff.
00:58:39
Speaker
And I think that because of that, like, rejecting that, like,
00:58:47
Speaker
And also rejecting, I think, the looking for acceptance from white people for so long.
00:58:54
Speaker
And white, and like those type of spaces, I'll say it like that.
00:58:57
Speaker
And in spaces that like were more like hipster, you know, grungy, like whatever.
00:59:08
Speaker
Like, I feel like in those spaces, I really didn't get a chance to really feel like myself or really feel like
00:59:17
Speaker
included and I feel like as I'm going in now, I almost feel like, did I miss the boat?
00:59:24
Speaker
I must've missed the boat because I'm like, damn, okay.
00:59:28
Speaker
So I know people would be like, this is my uncle, this is my nephew, this is my son, you know, no blood relation, you know, in the community and that's what we do.
00:59:38
Speaker
But I'm like, yeah, I don't really, I never had like a gay mentor.
00:59:42
Speaker
Like I never had like a gay uncle, gay father,
00:59:47
Speaker
I imagine had I told my parents... Now, I think about that sometimes.
00:59:50
Speaker
I think about the... Had I told my parents I was gay, like...
00:59:56
Speaker
I maybe would have been thrown into it a lot sooner because I would have been forced into that space.
01:00:04
Speaker
But I think about it and it's like 18 year old me couldn't even fathom the idea of staying in the city of Philadelphia, you know, going to the gay bars here, um,
01:00:17
Speaker
Getting into the gay scene because I was so square.
01:00:19
Speaker
I was so square.
01:00:21
Speaker
I was like, I don't know.
01:00:22
Speaker
I like I had friends that were 18 getting into clubs and bars and stuff.
01:00:26
Speaker
And I was like, I'm not even going to chance it because I know I'm not going to get in.
01:00:31
Speaker
It's going to be a thing.
01:00:32
Speaker
And I don't I don't like situations that are overly.
01:00:37
Speaker
stressful like that, like where it's unnecessary stress.
01:00:42
Speaker
Because it's not fun for me, like, it's not fun for me to try to sneak in to a place that is that I'm told I'm not allowed into like, that's not me.
01:00:52
Speaker
It feels like a waste of time.
01:00:53
Speaker
And I just I can't do it.
01:00:56
Speaker
And so I think that, again, going back to the not, you know, being at Penn State, like not really, you know,
01:01:05
Speaker
I didn't really start going to the gay bars really until my mom passed and I was like 23 and I was going with like my straight friends and I wasn't really going during these times when there were like, this is my first black gay pride, like ever, you know what I mean?
01:01:22
Speaker
And that's what I mean when I'm like,
01:01:25
Speaker
everyone just already seems like everyone's clicked up.
01:01:28
Speaker
Everyone's already there.
01:01:30
Speaker
Like the people my age are already, you know, they've already found their clicks and dating's hard now.
01:01:38
Speaker
Like you don't really get to talk to people, you know, face to face as much anymore because of like social media and like how people don't really initiate as much in public and different things like that.
01:01:50
Speaker
And I feel like I'm having to learn
01:01:53
Speaker
how to do that stuff on my own.
01:01:56
Speaker
And that's been challenging to navigate from a wanting more friends standpoint and wanting a partner standpoint.
01:02:05
Speaker
And I'm wanting more friends is more of like wanting, I had to just like, I did like revelation, I think with myself where I was just like, I can't,
01:02:15
Speaker
Like, I don't have a partner right now.
01:02:19
Speaker
I need to kind of build new friendships because some of my friends are moving.
01:02:24
Speaker
Some of my friends are in different spaces in life.
01:02:26
Speaker
Some of my friends have moved on.
01:02:28
Speaker
Like, there's friends that I'm, like, mourning, honestly grieving over still.
01:02:32
Speaker
Like, honestly, I think about it and I'm like, I don't even know how we're not friends anymore because, like, you know, I felt like we might have been closer to maybe what we were or...
01:02:43
Speaker
You know, something like that.
01:02:44
Speaker
And then again, people just fall out and that happens too.
01:02:47
Speaker
And I'm like, I spend a lot of time by myself, but I try to go outside.
01:02:55
Speaker
I try to touch grass, you know, here and there.
01:02:59
Speaker
And I'm like, maybe I need to start getting new friends, but I'm like, am I a little traumatized from...
01:03:05
Speaker
Losing my last friends, I don't know.
01:03:06
Speaker
Or like losing friendships, I don't know.
01:03:10
Speaker
But it just feels hard.
01:03:11
Speaker
Like it feels hard to even break into that, like and get into that.
01:03:15
Speaker
And then also I feel conflicted sometimes because of my position as a therapist, again, as a social worker, with having these like dual relationships with people.
01:03:28
Speaker
Like I said, if I went to the reception, I'd have definitely seen clients of mine.
01:03:34
Speaker
And I would have been like,
01:03:36
Speaker
Yikes.
01:03:37
Speaker
And like, how do I how do I balance this?
01:03:39
Speaker
But it's it's hard.
01:03:40
Speaker
It's hard when you are in the community that you're serving the community that you also are part of.
01:03:52
Speaker
And it's not that everyone, you know, is going to ever.
01:03:59
Speaker
be my patient.
01:04:00
Speaker
You know what I mean?
01:04:00
Speaker
Like everyone's not going to be my patient.
01:04:02
Speaker
Like that's not the point.
01:04:03
Speaker
But I think the point is just like, how do I find that balance between like the looking or being in these spaces and then also navigating that other piece of serving, you know?
01:04:24
Speaker
It feels different.
01:04:25
Speaker
Like, it's interesting because I think I've had this conversation before with a previous supervisor about how it feels different having these, this level of a dual relationship.
01:04:36
Speaker
Like, this isn't something that really straight people have to deal with too much.
01:04:41
Speaker
And it's the...
01:04:44
Speaker
what if I see my, like, what if I see my patient at a gay club or at this, you might see them at the store or something that's different, but like, in this intimate, like, situation, you know, where you're mingling with people, you're socializing, and what does that look like?
01:05:04
Speaker
And I don't know, it almost feels like I'm
01:05:10
Speaker
Trying to balance one foot in and one foot out.
01:05:13
Speaker
And that's hard to do.
01:05:16
Speaker
And I think it's hard to do because I haven't already been in it.
01:05:22
Speaker
You know?
01:05:22
Speaker
And I'm just getting to it.
01:05:24
Speaker
So, yeah.
01:05:27
Speaker
I think that's kind of it.
01:05:32
Speaker
As I think about that.
01:05:34
Speaker
That, I think, is my last thoughts.
01:05:38
Speaker
Yeah.
01:05:38
Speaker
Yeah.
01:05:41
Speaker
Well, that's it for the show for today.
01:05:46
Speaker
Letters, gather them pod at gmail.com.
01:05:50
Speaker
And also, if you want to follow me on socials, it's gatherthempod1x, formerly known as Twitter, and IG.
01:06:00
Speaker
And that wraps up this episode.
01:06:02
Speaker
I hope everyone has a good rest of the week.
01:06:04
Speaker
Happy Cinco de Mayo.
01:06:06
Speaker
I forget why we drink on that day.
01:06:09
Speaker
I don't even know if that's a thing.
01:06:10
Speaker
But I hope everyone has a good, safe weekend, and I will talk to everyone later.
01:06:15
Speaker
Bye.