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88. Self-Care In Grief- With Melissa Pierce
77 Plays4 years ago
Melissa Pierce was widowed overnight at the age of 44 when her husband Dave didn’t wake up on a cold Saturday morning in 2011. As a solo parent to their two sons, Melissa knew she had to take care of herself first so she could care for her kids - they needed her support more than ever - so she began the work of processing her deep grief and practicing self-care to move forward. She is a testament to trusting her gut and standing behind her choices. Melissa is an author, founder and creator of Filled With Gold monthly self-care support boxes for widows, and host of the Filled With Gold Widow podcast. She is happily remarried to her husband-in-this-life, Sean, and they now call the Oregon coast home.
Contact Meliessa Pierce and find out more about the self-care support boxes for widow, her book and her podcast:
https://www.filledwithgold.org/
Contact Kendra Rinaldi for coaching or to be a guest:
http://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
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Transcript
Realization and Self-Care
00:00:01
Speaker
Like the ship was sinking. That's what it felt like to me. And so I thought to myself, I have to drive this train. I have to be healthy enough in order to move myself and my kids through this. So I'm going to put myself first. I'm going to do things that make me feel good. And I am going to ask myself what makes me feel good. And I'm going to listen and tap into my gut and do that thing, whatever, however crazy that may sound.
00:00:31
Speaker
or whatever crazy thing. If I get goosebumps on my body, I'm going to do it.
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:39
Speaker
Hello and welcome to grief, gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:03
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Melissa's Journey and Supporting Widows
00:01:26
Speaker
Today you'll be listening to a conversation that I'll be having right now with Melissa Pierce. And Melissa is the author, founder, and creator of Filled with Gold, which is a monthly self-care support boxes for widows. And she is going to be sharing her story
00:01:49
Speaker
of how she just became a widow overnight from her husband, Dave, who passed away in 2011, and how she went from that to now creating this support for other women that, just like herself, have lost their husbands. You also have a podcast as well, so we were actually, she also has a podcast, so we were actually talking about that just right before. So welcome, Alyssa.
00:02:16
Speaker
Well, thanks for having me, Kendra. I love your show and I appreciate being here. Oh, grateful that you're here as well. Oh my gosh. You have the best voice. You have the best radio voice kind of thing. Oh my gosh. So my mom told me that. So I'm like, okay. But then somebody else told me that as well. So I'm like, okay, my mom has to say that, but somebody else didn't say that.
00:02:38
Speaker
Yeah, I have a good voice for radio, so I'll take it. So there you go. That's why you can have the podcast as well, because you've got a good voice. Yeah, because it has to be something that I guess people would be comfortable listening to. Like, if I had a really like, you know, something that it would be like harder for someone to maybe feel as engaged. I don't know. Maybe that's depending on the person that's listening. But anyway, so thank you for being on.
00:03:06
Speaker
And so tell us, where do you live?
Life Changes and Family Dynamics
00:03:08
Speaker
Let's just chat that party. We're talking a golf coast of Oregon. Yes, I live in the northern coast of Oregon. So if you know where Portland is, I'm just like right across about an hour and a half's drive on the coast of Oregon. But I am from Portland. I am
00:03:26
Speaker
Is it near Vancouver, Washington? Portland's near Vancouver, Washington. But where I live, it's called Manzanita. And it's a little tiny town. And so I remarried. I'm a remarried widow. And my husband in this life, his name is Sean.
00:03:42
Speaker
During the pandemic, we decided to sell our home in Portland because all the kids are gone. We're empty nesters. We have this big house. We're like, well, let's just quarantine at our favorite place. And so we decided to just move here temporarily and we'll just see what happens.
00:04:02
Speaker
You both work from home, then you have your pot, unless you do your build with, with, uh, gold. And then he also works from home. Yeah, he works from home remote. So yeah, it is kind of perfect, but it's funny. It's the first time that he and I have ever been, um, just the two of us, because when we came into this marriage, I have two kids from my marriage with Dave and he had three kids from his previous marriage. And so, you know, we always had kids and then my mom lived with us for awhile. So it's like.
00:04:32
Speaker
the first time in our lives it's just us it's been it's been interesting yeah so how young is the youngest then that of the of the children 21 this is the first time you guys are okay so just like recently went off to college and all that yeah okay so now share then with us then about dave and your how about how you met and a little bit about your life and um and then a little bit about the
00:05:02
Speaker
day that she became a widow and your process then, the tools you used and so forth. So that will be the flow of the conversation. So you didn't have to answer it all at once. Just start with, how did you meet Dave? Oh, OK. So this is back. I was trying to think
Tragedy and Immediate Impact
00:05:24
Speaker
the year. I think it was 93.
00:05:27
Speaker
which dates me a little bit, but I was going to school and Dave's sister, Nina, she was one of my classmates and we became really good friends. And at the time I needed a roommate and her brother Dave needed a roommate. And I had met him once before. He was a musician and I met him at one of his concerts. He played bass.
00:05:50
Speaker
And, um, at the time I was with a group of gals and one of my friends, Sheila, she's like, you know, had the long legs and the short mini skirt, just really, really beautiful, stunning, um, person. And so Dave didn't even look at me. He did not even look at me when I, when I first met him, he was like looking at my friend, Sheila. I would tease him about that, but.
00:06:12
Speaker
Um, so back to the roommate thing, it's like, okay, I met him once and he's kind of vetted by my friend Nina. You know, I know he's not like a serial killer or anything like that. I hope not. He's her brother. If anything, you'd go until.
00:06:27
Speaker
Right. Like, who would you tell me to room with? You would like blame it on. Right.
Managing Grief and Relocation
00:06:33
Speaker
Right. So so we ended up like becoming roommates. I was dating somebody else and he was dating somebody else. So we just we just needed a roommate situation. But we ended up becoming really good.
00:06:46
Speaker
friends. And I could see like who he was as a person. And also like some of his personal habits, like he always put the toilet seat down, you know, he always put the food away in the fridge and didn't let you know, the mayonnaise didn't stay out all night, you know, so he was just really courteous and kind and had a really great relationship with his family and his mom. And so he's just a good guy, you know, he's just a really good guy. And but we were friends like for a couple years.
00:07:15
Speaker
And then I developed feelings for him, but I didn't want to mess up the friendship. And then later, as we talked about it, he had the same, we were kind of going through the same thing at the same time, but we had such a great friendship. We didn't want to screw it up.
00:07:29
Speaker
So, um, but then one snowy evening, you know, after a few beers, then, you know, it got changed. So, and then there's a little angst after that, but we worked it out and, uh, we got married in 2000. Yeah. So, so this is how many years after you guys had originally become roommates, did you get married? Seven years.
00:07:56
Speaker
Yes. But we did live together of, oh, probably 97. That was for three years, you know, before we got married. As a couple. Yeah. As a couple. Yeah. But you had already been living as friends. So it's like... So weird. So weird.
00:08:15
Speaker
But you know what? You said something so key that it was like you already knew all these things that a lot of times people want to know prior to meeting someone or to marrying
Prioritizing Self-Care and Family
00:08:26
Speaker
someone. Are these things like the toilet seat, the this? You already knew all these things about him. So that is awesome that that that arrangement worked out. I hope you thanked Nina. Yes. Yeah, I totally. Yeah, she's my sister-in-law now. So yes, she's part of the story.
00:08:45
Speaker
He is part of the story. That's awesome. Okay. So then tell us about your children. And then where did you get, did you guys live in Portland? We lived in the port, like a suburb of Portland, but yeah, in the Portland area. And Dave taught math at one of the local high schools. So he was a teacher and then I was a paralegal working for a company in Portland.
00:09:08
Speaker
And my dad was very sick, actually, from 99 until 2003, his death. And so we, as a family, spent a lot of time with my dad taking care of him. And during that time, we were like, hey, we should think about having kids.
00:09:29
Speaker
You know, in my thirties, he was in his thirties as well, you know, kind of the tick tock biological clock there, but we were, there's a lot of focus on my dad and his health. And then he died of a brain tumor in 2003. And after that time, we're like, okay, let's, let's get this kid thing going. And we had fertility issues and did a lot of testing and, um, you know, some other, other things to try and have, have kids.
Writing and Healing Journey
00:09:58
Speaker
And we just weren't able to do it. I was not able to get pregnant. So we were thinking, well, what is it that we want? We want a family. What do we want that to look like? And so we decided we wanted to adopt older children. And eventually, we ended up adopting our two kids from the Oregon foster care system.
00:10:24
Speaker
And they were five and seven at the time, and they're brothers. Two brothers. Yeah. So they were five and seven. So this is back in 2005. So you became parents of a five and seven-year-old overnight.
00:10:40
Speaker
Yeah, it was crazy. I mean, there's a lot. That in itself is a, that in itself, can we just, can we make sure to bookmark that we can totally dive into that process, even just that as a podcast because that, that I'm sure is a huge transition and live transition just right there. So, okay, go ahead. When I wrote my book, the first, my book is, um, it's called Filled with Gold, a widow's story, but the very first story,
00:11:10
Speaker
Uh-oh. Yeah, your image froze, but I can still hear you. Yeah, OK. All right. I can still hear you. It's just the image.
00:11:21
Speaker
And I can see you now. I think I'm moving around. So the very first page of that book goes, starts at the day I met my kids. And so it's not a linear story. It bebop's around, but that's the beginning of my story, I feel like. Because I don't really remember life before that. It's really crazy once you have kids. But yeah, so and it wasn't supposed to be overnight. We had done a lot of work.
00:11:48
Speaker
like getting FBI checked and background checked and fingerprinted and trained. And we had to go through counseling and all these great things to just to make sure that you can handle challenging kids. Cause these kids have been through a lot of trauma. And so we did all this, you know, it was three or four months of just intensive work and
00:12:14
Speaker
When we were supposed to have like a transition plan, like we were supposed to meet the kids on a Sunday afternoon and then transition them into our home. Take about three weeks is what they said, the slow transition. And we met them on a sat on a Sunday and they wanted to come home with us and meet our dog buddy.
00:12:34
Speaker
because they're like, we heard you had a dog if we want to meet your dog. So we talked to their foster parents and we said, yeah, you know, is that okay? And they're like, sure. Because we were already certified foster parents at that time. So we took them home and they didn't want to leave. So we took them home that night and they didn't leave our house. Like we were not ready. Like we did not have like kid food. We didn't have
00:13:01
Speaker
toothbrushes. So they just like bond. So Buddy is responsible for them coming overnight and not leaving.
Creating Self-Care Boxes for Widows
00:13:13
Speaker
Well, my youngest in his profile, when he was interviewed by one of the social workers, he said all he wanted was a mom and a dad and a dog to lick his face.
00:13:23
Speaker
And so I'm like, I totally melted when I read that. And so when they met Buddy, Buddy, yeah, he was the glue. He solidified the deal.
00:13:34
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Oh, that brought tears to my eyes and a dog. Yes. Oh, my goodness. Like the idea of a family included that of a dog for him to that happiness and that joy included that. That's beautiful. So so now they're grown. Yeah, they're grown. It's crazy. That whole time was nuts because I hadn't.
00:14:00
Speaker
arranged to take time off work. I had, I didn't have any cereal. Like I remember like going that evening, we put them to bed. We did have beds for them. We put them to bed and then I ran to the store and got like tricks, cereal and toothbrushes and kid toothpaste and all that stuff. And yeah, it was just crazy. So that just started that whole whirlwind of boom, I'm a mom overnight.
00:14:25
Speaker
This is not like bringing a goldfish home and then figuring out what to do. These are two children. Yeah, pretty nuts. Now, the other foster parents were like, were they OK with you guys already transitioning that early on for you guys to take over? Yeah, well, the next day, we had to contact our caseworker and tell them everything that went on. But at this point, it was like we were already certified. It was happening.
00:14:54
Speaker
Like we were already, the judge had already, you know, chosen us. Um, so we just had to work some, work some stuff out and sign papers and all that stuff. But, you know, it was really about their welfare, the kids' welfare and what they wanted and how, and if they felt comfortable there, then they should be there with us. So, yeah. Oh, well, that's wonderful. Yeah.
00:15:18
Speaker
And okay, so then take us then fast forward to then 2011. What was your life then? And what happened then that that you became a widow overnight? So we were living in Portland at the time. But a couple years later, Dave, like I mentioned, he was a teacher, but he was trained as a music educator.
00:15:42
Speaker
And he had an opportunity to take a job teaching K through 12 music in Eastern Oregon, which is like four and a half hours away drive. So we took that opportunity. He had family back there. He kind of grew up in that area. And we thought, well, this would be a great place to raise our kids in a smaller community. We have eyes on them. Dave would be on the same campus as them. He would be their teacher.
00:16:09
Speaker
and their football coach and their baseball coach and all that stuff. And I was able to work remote at that time. So we picked up our stuff and we moved to Eastern Oregon. And that was hard for me because it was really remote and isolated for me. It was too small. And I was away from my friends and family and I was working in my home, so I didn't really have an outlet. You know, normally you meet people on the job and
00:16:35
Speaker
friends that way. So that was difficult for me, but it was also... How old were the boys then? How old were the boys at that time? They were seven and nine, I think when we... Oh, so just a couple years later. Yeah, just a couple years later. Yeah. And you had also... So at this point then, you had experienced then the grief of your father, how many years prior to that then? That was about four years. Yeah.
00:17:02
Speaker
four years then then the transition which is a huge transition of becoming a mom that in itself there's grief components of that because it's like you have your life of you know even as much as you want it I always tell people I I you know the fact of being a mom I love but I know I grieved becoming a mom because I had to grieve the person I was prior to as well being
00:17:27
Speaker
somewhat gone for a while. I didn't see her for a few years myself,
Therapy and Community Support
00:17:32
Speaker
you know. So you had gone through that. And then a move in which you were then farther from your other family members and so forth, too. So that also played a part in probably you being feeling sad. There's a grief component there, too, probably. Yeah. On the whole momming thing, you know, when you become a mom overnight,
00:17:54
Speaker
It wasn't like I just took to it like a fish to water. It was really hard. You know, I'm, I have nieces and nephews. And so I know what being around kids is like, but these kids had experienced a lot of trauma and it's trauma that I had never experienced in my life. I had a pretty stable childhood.
00:18:16
Speaker
And they had certain behaviors and challenges. And, and I was, I'd be thinking like, I should be able to handle this. Like I'm a bad mom. I'm like, there was, there was not a lot of, um, like good talk happening. Yeah. Yeah.
00:18:32
Speaker
That mommy guilt, I remember I did an event one time about that, like a in-home event. I invited some friends and that was the topic. It's like, what is up with this mommy guilt that we feel like we can't even doing the right thing. We still feel this guilt every time it's like in there. So I can understand that. Like we never feel like we're doing our best or doing the best that we can be. So I can. Yeah, it's terrible. Like, like.
00:18:59
Speaker
they would melt down, you know, they would have things would trigger them. I wouldn't understand what would trigger them. They couldn't really talk about, they would just maybe have memories or a smell or something and be melting down in the middle of target. And I'd be like, Oh my God, like, I'm doing something wrong, or I should be able to manage this situation. And yeah, so I was really hard on myself. That's just kind of my, my standard MO is being hard on myself. But
00:19:29
Speaker
Um, we were, when we were in Eastern Oregon, when it was stable, pardon me, and Dave was teaching them and it was just a really, things calmed down. It was kind of this calming. It was just the four of us. We were on six acres. We hung out together. We did all the camping, fishing, snow stuff. Um, it was a small environment. It was just kind of a chill time for, for us to be together.
00:19:59
Speaker
And then in 2011, in January, my oldest son was in Portland on a field trip doing a Lego robotics event. And we had gone out to pizza. Dave and I and our youngest son with another family, it's a Friday night, came back and Dave's like, gosh, I just don't feel that good. I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. My chest is kind of feel like my chest is congested.
00:20:24
Speaker
So I'm like, oh gosh, here's some use an X or here's some cough syrup or whatever. And he kissed me on the cheek and he's like, I'm just gonna go to bed. I don't, you know, I don't want to get you sick. So my youngest and I, we pulled out the sofa bed in the living room. We watched a movie. It was the A-Team with Bradley Cooper. I like, I remember things very vividly, some things. And the next morning it was around,
00:20:49
Speaker
I don't even know what time, but it was early. And so I let our dog out. And I thought to myself, gosh, he should be up by now. And normally, we would have slept together every night. My youngest and I just fell asleep on the sofa bed. And I walk into a room. And his leg is out of the covers. And it's like this really weird shade of gray. And I look at him.
00:21:19
Speaker
something was wrong. And so I just I go over to him and I shake him and he's cold. And I immediately just start screaming and doing CPR on him. And my youngest is then yelling from the living room, Mom, Mom, what's going on? What's going on? I'm like, don't come back here. Don't come back here. Stay there.
00:21:41
Speaker
And I couldn't find my cell phone, but I realized I had a landline for my work. So I grabbed that, I called 911, and then they were telling me how to do CPR. I'm like, I know how to do it, I'm doing it, nothing's happening. And then they ended up calling my, I mean, he was dead, we just determined that. And so they ended up contacting my brother-in-law who was in town and he came up and then
00:22:09
Speaker
It took a while for the paramedics to come up because we had an ice storm that previous night. So it was just me and my youngest son. And it was just like the worst thing. Like I had to tell him his dad died. He was, he was 10 at the time. And then.
00:22:29
Speaker
I just like crazy things like he was supposed to coach a basketball game that morning. So I thought, Oh, I need to call the other coach so that he knows like why we're not going to be there. It's like just weird stuff that you do.
00:22:43
Speaker
I, I, yeah, like the things that you're like thinking, like, that's like the last thing I should think of is like, but at the same time you're still in that mode of, Oh, let me, yeah, the, the to-do list that you normally have. And, uh, and so maybe I wonder if it's a mechanism of like.
00:23:02
Speaker
of survival in those moments of like having some kind of a routine. Let me call this person to tell them that he's not going to be. And let me, let me now go ahead and let's cancel the credit cards. Like stuff that has nothing to do with the emotions. I wonder if that's part of that survival. Yeah, for sure. Because it was like, oh, I don't want to inconvenience these people because day's not going to be there. You know, it was like this weird thing.
New Beginnings and Blended Families
00:23:28
Speaker
I called the coach and I told him what happened. And he was also a good friend of ours. And then I'm like, oh, geez, I need to I need to let my oldest know because like, what if he gets a text or whatever? And my brother and his family were already on their way to go get him because they were in Portland.
00:23:49
Speaker
So I tracked down the teacher that he was with and told him. And then I had to tell my oldest over the phone. And it was just a nightmare, an absolute nightmare. And so waiting for him to drive the four and a half hours over snowy roads with my brother and his family to get to me.
00:24:12
Speaker
And, you know, then the family shows up and at that point I'm not remembering very much. Like I'll remember weird things like, Oh, SpongeBob was on the TV or someone so brought this dish. But, but other than that, it's like really fuzzy and I didn't sleep. I went probably 48 hours and could not sleep. So after that.
00:24:34
Speaker
Oh, well, I'm just even thinking not only just of your own emotions during that time, but just the fact of now your children also like what they had experienced prior to you guys. And now they were going to they went through this other loss and trauma as well at a young age. I'm sure they're resilient, very resilient beings. Yeah, I mean,
00:25:00
Speaker
So their birth father died due to drug addiction, and they were pulled away from the biological family. They have two older siblings, and so there's that piece of it. And I was like, who loses two dads before the age of 14?
00:25:21
Speaker
because they were 10 and 13 at the time. I'm like, how does that happen? Because there was always this thing in my mind that they were golden. Like at this point, this opportunity, their lives were going to be the best lives because we were all together and they were safe and they were taken care of. And then this happened. It was like, how does this just not work? I mean, in my mind, this is not fair.
00:25:48
Speaker
to them. You know, I'm an adult, I can I feel like I can manage my not manage my emotions, but kind of maybe understand but as a kid, like, how do you how do you come to grips with that? Oh,
00:26:01
Speaker
Right. Yeah, I know that is a lot. And then the fact that then not only you then coming to grips with your own emotion and grief, but then the fact of also now helping them navigate this grief again, and which has just a different layer of it, too, associated with the previous loss of their biological dad.
00:26:25
Speaker
So tell us then how you felt then and you're navigating your grief and what tools that you use then to kind of keep afloat. Here you are in Eastern Oregon, far from your your family. Did you move? Did you stay? Tell us a little bit what how did you find that support in this? Yeah, well, so I like like how did I deal with my grief? Well, I didn't.
00:26:56
Speaker
I didn't for a while. I mean, it was just too much, but you know, eventually I got to a place where I had to. But right thereafter, because of the stress, I
00:27:11
Speaker
was having heart, like my heart was skipping beats. So two days after Dave died, I had to go to the hospital and get an EKG and put on a heart monitor and all the kinds of tests like for the next following weeks. And
00:27:28
Speaker
They just determined it's a benign shirt, you know, probably cortisol and all the, everything running through my, coursing through my body. But that was cause I thought, Oh my God, I can't die. Like I can't die. So I set up, you know, all the wills I did. I went about the business basically by not dealing with like, I didn't quite believe that he had died. So I just like, Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to contact a lawyer and do all this stuff and, and set up all these things. And.
00:27:58
Speaker
and stop his credit cards and pay off the bills. It was just like business, business. And I was also working full-time, but I ended up taking a stress leave basically for five weeks after he died. And at that time we moved, the week after he died, we moved away from the mountain home and into the town where our kids went to school, which is about 15 miles away.
00:28:26
Speaker
And into a house that was not the best house. So then a week later, I moved to another house. It was just like, could you add any more on top of this? But we live there for six months because I wanted the kids to finish out the school year. And then I made the decision to move back to Portland where our support was.
00:28:46
Speaker
So we did that. And then at that point, it was becoming real that Dave actually was gone and he was not coming back.
Starting a Podcast and Continuing the Mission
00:28:55
Speaker
And he wasn't just on some weird long fishing trip, which I used to lay in my mind. It's like, Oh, he's going to walk through the door again, even though I saw his, his body and I performed CPR and I don't know what my mind was doing. I'm sure it was protecting itself, but it was like, Oh, this, that, that didn't happen.
00:29:13
Speaker
Um, but I did, I did start to realize that that was happening and, um, I was trying to soothe myself with and cope with not the best, um, not the best things like alcohol and, um,
00:29:28
Speaker
just running away from my feelings and not talking very kindly to myself and just being really hard on myself. And it just was manifesting and just not in good ways in my body. So I did seek the help of a grief counselor, which first time in my life, I've never been in therapy or anything like that, but everybody should go to therapy. But she just really made me help me understand
00:29:58
Speaker
grief and everything that I was moving through, whether I thought I was crazy or it was not normal, everything that I was moving through was normal for me. And, and it was a extremely stressful and lonely and overwhelming time for me to be a solo parent and, and understand and like,
00:30:24
Speaker
Like I said, I've been very hard on myself. So I'd always think, well, I should be able to do everything. I should be able to work full time and pay the bills and help my kids with homework and help them through their grief. You wanted to be Wonder Woman, Superwoman. Yeah. I just, I couldn't keep the plates spinning and I wasn't taking care of myself. I was not putting myself
00:30:46
Speaker
first as a priority. So at that point, I just made a huge decision because things were just like not going well, you know, like my kids
00:30:57
Speaker
Like the ship was sinking. It felt, that's what it felt like to me. And so I thought to myself, I, I have to drive this train. I have to be healthy enough in order to move myself and my kids through this. So I'm going to put myself first. I'm going to do things that make me feel good. And I am going to ask myself what makes me feel good. And I'm going to listen and tap into my gut and
00:31:24
Speaker
do that thing, whatever, however crazy that may sound, or whatever crazy thing. If I get goosebumps on my body, I'm going to do it. So if it's a book, if it's a lecture, if it's an event or somebody that I need to see, like do energy work on my body, I did a lot of body work, acupuncture,
00:31:44
Speaker
massages, pedicures, you know, anything, just to move that energy around and out of my body. And that's when things changed. And that's when I felt like, whatever comes our way, I can deal with it. And I also quit my job at that point. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
00:32:09
Speaker
So what did you choose to do at that? If you quit without knowing what you were going to do or? I decided, well, I decided to go back to school because I thought, well, I want to be a nurse. Um, you know, I'll move from being a paralegal in the legal field to like, I'm going to be a nurse. So I thought that's great to being up paralegal. You know, I just wanted to help people. Um,
00:32:33
Speaker
I don't know, that's kind of, I don't know, it's a value of mine. I guess I just wanted to do something that I thought was helpful. So I decided to go back to school, which is great, because I would be on the same schedule as my kids, we would have the same summer break, the same spring vacation, all that stuff. And I just figured I'll, I'll work it out. It'll things will work out. And because I was I just couldn't work full time and continue
00:33:01
Speaker
and raise my kids too. I had to really like focus on raising my kids. So I did that and I went to school, but then it just didn't really pan out to be, you know, to, I just wasn't feeling the nursing thing. So those two years were great that I was able to work or go to school, hang out with my kids, really be present with them and also have time to take care of me.
00:33:30
Speaker
But eventually I did go back to work.
00:33:33
Speaker
But yeah, at that time, it's like I need. It was like a sabbatical. It took like a sabbatical, really, like of a time to just really focus. And and like you said, you had not even really dealt into the emotions of your grief. And this was this time that you just used to that to do that, to take care of you, to move the grief through you any way that was possible and to be more present with the kids. Yeah, because I didn't like emotions.
00:34:01
Speaker
I didn't like or emotions that I thought were negative or I didn't, I just didn't, it's like, I don't want to feel that. And so I'd always push, push, push, push that away, push that away.
00:34:14
Speaker
I'm curious, did you push away your emotions after your dad passed away as well? I think I was grieving because this was such a long illness. I think I was moving through all my emotions along with my family as he is dying.
00:34:35
Speaker
But for this, it just felt, I just felt very alone. Like this is like my dad dying was while my mom lost her husband. My, my, yeah, my brothers and I lost their dad. My, the grandkids lost their, so we kind of did it as a group.
00:34:53
Speaker
But this, when Dave died, it felt very lonely and alone. And I didn't know anybody who was 44 who had two kids. I actually didn't know anybody until I started reaching out and trying to find resources and groups.
00:35:14
Speaker
Did you find the Dougie Center in Portland? Yes, that's how I took my kids to the Dougie Center. And that's where I actually found my grief counselor was a recommendation from them. Great organization. I love them.
00:35:30
Speaker
Yeah, the organization that I'm a volunteer at here in the Texas area, a lot of the stuff is mirrored on a lot of the resources that the Duggan Center offers and a lot of trainings and things like that too.
00:35:45
Speaker
so good that there are these type of organizations out there. But I think a lot of us don't know that they even exist. And I think it's partly, again, because one, we don't talk about it. And the other one, somebody reached out to me this week saying, oh, my sister lost her mother-in-law. I think she may need
00:36:06
Speaker
talk to you or something but it's like how do I bring it up like how do I tell someone that there is a resource without it being like offensive so sometimes there are people that may know that there are resources out there but don't know how do we even approach someone that's grieving in a way that is not how do you call that intrusive kind of or
00:36:29
Speaker
Yeah. Intrusive. Yeah. So how did you find out then about the Dougie Center? Well, so because the boys were in foster care, while they were previous, they had actually gone to the Dougie Center before we adopted them. Yeah. And I knew about, I think,
00:36:54
Speaker
I can't remember. Maybe another family member told me about it because it's focused on helping kids through the loss of their grief. So I had already kind of known about that. But it's great that it was in Portland. But I know that they have, even if you don't live in Portland, you can access all of their services.
00:37:16
Speaker
If anybody listening to this is like you go to childrengrieve.org and you can see what organizations are offered in your area. That is one of the ways you can find out if by chance it's a child that you've lost. That's one way. Sorry, if you have children, if you have lost a member of your family and you need support for yourself and your children, that's one of the ways that you can go on.
00:37:39
Speaker
Okay, so now, tell us, you start doing this, you go back to work, when did the idea of writing a book come up? What came first, the chicken or the egg? The writing the book, the creating your boxes, the subscription box. Tell us that part of this.
00:37:58
Speaker
Well, the book came first because, you know, as I meet new people and I would just say, they would find out about my story and they'd, or I'd tell them, you know, a little bit of my story. They'd be like, Oh my God, you should write a book. Because I did have a lot of challenges with my oldest son. And that's, that's in the book as well. A lot of challenges. And I had to make some tough decisions around his care.
00:38:21
Speaker
He's fantastic. So I'm like, should I write a book? Well, I don't feel like I'm a writer, but I don't know. So I ended up getting some help from a good friend, and so she and I co-wrote the book together. But it was so cathartic just to write down what had transpired in my life, how I moved to a place of hope.
00:38:47
Speaker
and all the things that kind of got me there, how I moved through it. And because at the time, there was not a lot of books or resources out there for young widows who were solo parenting or widowhood.
00:39:04
Speaker
Like I went to my little local bookstore and there was like the grief section was like, I don't know, 10 inches long. I mean, it was really not, not a lot. So, um, they're just, I think my, my grief section, my grief section is longer than that now, for sure. All the books have other people I've interviewed. Right. Yes. It's more.
00:39:24
Speaker
I think there's more people writing about their experiences and self-publishing, publishing their works, which is amazing. But at the time, at the time it was terrible. I'd be like in the middle of the night Googling, just anything widow, young widow, help a young widow, anything. And I found a couple of organizations that I connected with that were amazing, Camp Widow.
00:39:49
Speaker
I don't know if you've heard of Camp Widow. Yes, I entered. This is the one at San Diego. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yeah. My friend Victoria, I think went to camp. Yeah. Anyway, that was a game changer for me. But I really wanted to write a book that I didn't have. You know, like I it was I wanted to write something for someone
00:40:14
Speaker
because I didn't have that. So I created an experience that I didn't have. So I did that in 2017 and I remarried in 2015. I met this awesome
00:40:26
Speaker
generous, loving man named Sean. And I think Dave had a hand in it. But yes. How do you know? Please don't keep me in suspense. I want to know how did you feel he helped you in this journey? What did you feel was a guiding force to meet Sean that you knew that Dave was beside you?
00:40:54
Speaker
a couple things I saw a psychic a couple psychics because I really like I wanted to know like how Dave died because it's he just died in his sleep they don't it's kind of undetermined they determine it was sleep apnea and and respiratory illness but I just that just didn't feel right to me so I went to a couple psychics to just like hey can you ask him if he comes through
00:41:21
Speaker
If there was anything I could have done, because I always felt like maybe there was something I could have done. Or the fact that you couldn't sleep next to, like all these things you could have, would have, should have, all the things that come up. So, um, and he, when he came in to the first psychic, um, I don't know if your listeners believe in all this, but I do.
00:41:44
Speaker
It's about your story. And there's going to be listeners that relate. That's why I love interviewing people with different stories because everybody will find something in that story that relates to them. It's not just one cookie cutter version of it. So please share. So Wendy came in.
00:42:03
Speaker
He assured me that it happened. There's nothing I could have done. I talked to Dave. I have a conversation with him all the time. He told the psychic through the psychic that I would meet somebody and he chose him for me. I would meet him the following summer.
00:42:25
Speaker
that he would be an engineer. And like he gave like real specific things. And at this point, this is the I was a year out and I'm like, I am not ready for this. So whatever. Like, I'm not even thinking about that. And I haven't recorded, it's on a recording. And so about six months later, I decided, well, you know, I, I'm young, I would like some companionship. And I
00:42:53
Speaker
wrote everything out on what I wanted in a partnership and in a new partner and how I wanted to feel. I wrote it down like I don't know a list of 80 things and I put it away in my desk drawer and I'm like okay like that's it's out there and
00:43:12
Speaker
Yeah, the bottle. It's a mess in the drawer right there. And I ended up meeting Sean. He was the first guy ever dated first, like, and I just knew, um, like that was, and he's an engineer. He's a software engineer. Yeah. And we met in September right before summer start or summer ended. So I kind of went back to that recording. I'm like, Oh my God.
00:43:39
Speaker
Like, wow. Because I just, I just asked Dave for stuff all the time. It's like, Hey, um, it's your turn to parent. You know, I know like, can you like, and like, just be with your kids, be with our kids. Um, one of them's going through a rough time. Can you enter his heart and just be there? Um, so I took like, I talked to him all the time.
00:44:01
Speaker
And Sean is incredibly confident and he encourages me to talk about Dave. He wants to know more about Dave. We have pictures of him in our house. Like he's part of, I don't know, it's weird. It's hard to explain, but, uh, yeah. Yeah.
00:44:22
Speaker
You've heard of other widow's stories in your podcast, and I'm sure they've all shared that a lot of times that that's the case, that their husbands or even widowers that also are their wives still play a part in that dynamic. It's very different than if it had been a divorce or something that was not ended. It's very different. It's lovely. It's very lovely. Thank you. It is.
00:44:50
Speaker
Okay, so then you write the book in 2017 and then how did the idea of the, because you said, okay, the book was something that you wrote thinking of what can I give others that I didn't have myself. Was that the idea then behind the boxes as well, the subscription? Let's give this experience to a woman that is going through this pain.
00:45:14
Speaker
Was that kind of what it was behind? Yeah, it totally was. I received, have you heard of FabFitFun, that subscription box? OK, so I ordered one, and then I forgot I ordered it, because it takes a while to get there. And this was last year, and I was having a really crummy day. And I hear the knock on the door. I look down. There's this box, FabFitFun. And I take it, and I open it up. And my mood just changed.
00:45:44
Speaker
It's like, oh, look at all these cool things I get to put on my face or take a bath with or just really take care of myself. And self-care was huge for me in moving through my grief and being able to trust my gut and tap into my intuition and just move forward. And I got to thinking, gosh, if that shifted my mood, just that box sitting on my doorstep,
00:46:12
Speaker
I would have loved to have received this every month when I was moving through that actively grieving and widowhood and parenting and not having five minutes for myself. It kind of forces you to prioritize yourself.
00:46:28
Speaker
So I thought, huh, I know nothing about this, but I think I'm going to start a subscription box business for widows supporting them with their self-care. So there's no excuses. You get this box. You have to open it up because you're curious. And there's lovely items in there. I've been trying to incorporate a book written by a widow.
00:46:52
Speaker
And I think in every box so far, I've had a book. Well, one, I had a self-care checklist, which was pretty amazing. And then I have other self-care items, like something fun to eat.
00:47:05
Speaker
you know, any like a bath thing, you know, just anything that feels good and and it encourages you to take care of yourself. And so, yeah, I mean, it's been quite a journey like diving into something that I knew nothing about big learning curve, but I love it. I just
00:47:26
Speaker
I sent out shipments yesterday and I just imagine whenever I put everything in my car and take them to the post office, I just imagine them just shooting out into the universe, ending up on somebody's doorstep and changes.
00:47:41
Speaker
just changes them and says, hey, you get to take care of yourself. You get to prioritize yourself. And I love shopping for all the items and I'm always thinking about just how exciting it would be for somebody to open this box up and just experience this love. And I also put in a lot of resources. This last box that I did, there's four items that were created by widows.
00:48:06
Speaker
So I'm really trying to push like widows helping widows. So the books are written by widows. There's a course, a widow survival guide course. There's a soap, amazing, beautiful soap created by a widow, Marnie Henderson. So yeah, so I'd really, I'd like to get to a point where everything in the box that I curate is created by a widow.
00:48:36
Speaker
Wow, that is amazing. And you know what you mentioned before that one of your values is that of like service right towards like and so to because that's why you were going to even go into nursing and so forth before. So to know that you are still, you know, being able to implement your value in this way because of the experience that you lived and bringing that little bit of joy to someone's day.
00:49:06
Speaker
the week, however long it may last, even seconds of joy. That is even just enough when you've gone through so much pain. So what a beautiful, beautiful thing to do in that cycle that you've went through of your own life. So share with us then, how can people
00:49:28
Speaker
contact you and how can they get their hands on your book? And I'll make sure to put the website on the show notes, but on your book and on the subscription boxes. Oh, I have a question with a subscription book. Can somebody gift somebody just one, like as a gift to? Yeah. OK, so just a little bit. I was surprised that about half of the boxes that are ordered are gifts.
00:49:55
Speaker
which is amazing. I was thinking more that a widow would purchase it for herself because that's what I would have done, but it's so cool. I'm also having widows purchase it for other widows. They're widow friends. Yes, so it could be a one-time box. I also have previous boxes from previous months that are at a lower cost point.
00:50:17
Speaker
So yeah, it's a great gift to purchase for somebody or to buy for yourself. Getting lots of great feedback and just, I don't know, it just feels like that was such a horrible, horrible time in my life. And I was just, I didn't move through it with a lot of grace and ease.
00:50:37
Speaker
not that it's easy, it could be easy or should be easy, but I just, it could have been easier if I prioritized myself a little earlier than I did. So that's, that's my goal. That's my mission is to just encourage other widows to, you know, take care of themselves, you know, and you will move through this, you'll move through this. So
00:51:02
Speaker
Okay, so it's filled with gold.org. And that's where they can find the subscription boxes, your book, and any other resources. Yes, I also have a link there to my podcast. You know, because I don't have anything else to do. I'm going to start a podcast.
00:51:24
Speaker
Let's do, when did you start your podcast? When did you start it? I started in July, so yeah. Of this year? Of 2021, yeah. So many of us started, because mine's been also since the pandemic, since March of 2020.
00:51:40
Speaker
I figured, ah, well, people are home. It will be a good time to make sure that interview, cause they can't say they're not available cause they're quarantined. Yeah. You don't have to show up in a studio anywhere. You just do it, you know, virtually. Yeah. I just, I love stories. Stories really helped move me through because I would hear someone's story, maybe they're two, three years out, 10 years out. And when I was early on in, in my widowhood experience, I'd be thinking to myself, well,
00:52:10
Speaker
If they can do it, maybe I can get there. And so that's really important for me to, so it's an interview style. It's like, I always have a guest on. And it's also not necessarily widows, but somebody who could be an expert resource or a resource for widows to tap into, whether they have kids or not. So.
00:52:35
Speaker
Yeah, I like hearing stories, I like sharing stories, and I think that's really important that connects us and makes us feel not so alone.
00:52:44
Speaker
Yeah, agreed. It brings a little bit of that hope component that you were talking about before that you held onto that as you went on, that little bit of that hope end up. And to hear someone that has been through something else is very different than just someone that's never experienced it telling you all the hallmark phrases that may come to their mind.
00:53:11
Speaker
as much as it's heartfelt, you know that they don't truly understand because they haven't really truly been through something like this themselves. So, yeah, feeling that you have something to relate to another human being in these stories is, I think, important.
00:53:34
Speaker
I think, no, I know, that's what I do too. So it's just sharing the story. So I appreciate you so much and for taking the time to share your story and for now giving someone else that little bit of hope as well as they're listening to yours. So thank you so much. Kendra, I've really had a great time on this podcast and keep doing what you're doing. I love how you're showing up in the world.
00:53:58
Speaker
Same, same, same. And the name of the podcast is also the same. Filled With Gold, Widow Podcast. Widow Podcast. Okay. Perfect. Can I ask what the Filled With Gold, how did that come about? The word Filled With Gold. Yeah. So the Japanese art of Kintsugi.
00:54:15
Speaker
Okay, that you fill up the something broken and you put make it more beautiful and then with the little gold kind of they normally painted a gold leaf kind of gold lacquer. So the piece where maybe you would have tossed it because it's broken. It's put together by the gold lacquer and it's a more beautiful piece for being broken.
00:54:37
Speaker
Yeah, so that just that imagery, I just got goosebumps. Okay, that imagery, that imagery means a lot to me. And so yeah, filled with gold. It's it's all over. Yeah, it just means Yeah, so much to me. Yeah. Love it. All right. Thank you. Thank you for sharing. All right. Appreciate it. Take care.
00:55:06
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:55:34
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.