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83. Scattering Hope - With Crystal Partney
70 Plays4 years ago
Crystal Partney is an author, speaker, and founder of Scattering Hope and Owl and Thistle. The day before her 32nd birthday in 2019, would be the day that changed her life forever. Little did Crystal know, she would receive the devastating news that her sister Gina had taken her life that morning. She needed how to begin healing after this tragedy. Shortly after her sister's passing, she felt compelled to help others experiencing a similar journey as her. Know that there is always hope and that you do not have to begin your journey towards healing alone. She is here for you.
Contact Crystal Partney: https://scatteringhope.com/
https://www.facebook.com/scatteringhope
Contact Kendra to be a guest or for coaching: https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
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Transcript
Mind's Deception and Grief
00:00:00
Speaker
Your mind tends to play tricks on you and it's like, you know, you're fine when you are in fact not okay. You don't feel okay. This has just happened. And so again, we've mentioned it before, but it's worth repeating. I gave myself grace in those moments when I needed to cry and just processed it. And I would speak to her. I still do. I speak to her all the time.
00:00:29
Speaker
I speak to my sister all the time because they are experiencing life with you even when you don't think it. When you're having a bad day, so are they because they're there. You just can't see them.
Introduction to Kendra's Podcast and Guest
00:00:50
Speaker
Hello and welcome to grief, gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:58
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:14
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:37
Speaker
Today you'll be hearing Crystal Partney's story. Crystal is an author and speaker, as well as the founder of Scattering Hope and Owl and Thistle. Today she will be sharing with us her grief journey after the passing of her sister,
Crystal's Background and Sister's Story
00:01:54
Speaker
to suicide and we'll go into all, not all the details, but the details of her grief journey and what has come from that. So thank you, Crystal, for tuning in. Thank you for being here. Thank you for the listeners for tuning in. Thank you for being here. Oh, you're so very welcome. Thanks for having me.
00:02:14
Speaker
I'm glad you're here. So we'll start with the things I normally just ask my guests just to get to know you a little more and just kind of just relax. So you live, where do you live, and your family dynamics, and we'll go from there.
00:02:32
Speaker
Sure. So I live in a town called Spanish Fork, Utah. And I'm a wife, I'm a mother to a beautiful five-year-old little girl named Ava. And we have a dog named Misha. And she is actually the same age as Ava. So that's fun to have them grow up together. And it's just a little bit about me. Great.
00:03:01
Speaker
No, I have a dog as well, but mine's four and a half. Her name's Evie. She's right there. She knows she's not going on a walk today because it's raining. And so she's just chilling. And when she sees me sit here, she knows that it's podcast time. She knows it's fun time. She's like, oh, OK. She's like, OK, I guess no walk right now.
00:03:23
Speaker
I'll just lay here. So where is Spanish Fork? My parents used to live in Salt Lake. So where is it in relation to Salt Lake? So it's about an hour south of Salt Lake.
00:03:36
Speaker
It's near. It's Zion. Is it on the way towards Zion? Is Zion south of Salt Lake too? Yes. So it would be on the way to Zion or St. George. No, St. George. What's it? Something? St. George? Yes. St. George. Oh, I'm great. So around there. Yeah. Well, not quite there. It's closer to Provo, if you're familiar with Provo. It's about 10 minutes away from Provo. And you grew up there?
00:04:03
Speaker
Yes.
The Impact of Suicide
00:04:04
Speaker
So I, I was born and raised in Provo, but then we moved when I was eight to Spanish work. So I call Spanish work. Yeah, absolutely. Um, that's awesome. Okay. And so tell me then your family dynamics, your sister, how many siblings are you? And when I say, are you, it includes her, of course. Cause you all, you'll always have her. So you always be one of, you know, I am the youngest of eight.
00:04:33
Speaker
Oh, wow. Yeah. So your sister's name, what is her name? Her name is Gina. Gina was how much older than you? Oh my goodness. So she was the third. She's the oldest girl in our family and she's the third. So she, when she passed away, there's, let's see, I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm trying to do the math. There's a 10 year difference between us.
00:05:02
Speaker
Oh, okay. My youngest sister and I, we're like nine and a half, like it's nine and a couple of months, but I always say 10 years, but it's like nine and something. And we're really, really close. Okay, so then tell us a little of the circumstances then. How did you find out she had passed away? And we'll go from there.
00:05:27
Speaker
Sure, so I was attending school at the time of when I got a call from my mom saying that she had passed away that morning and I was completely shocked and you know thankfully I was
00:05:44
Speaker
i
Guilt and Societal Taboos
00:05:45
Speaker
was actually preparing to go to work that day and i was in my car and i was just listening to a webinar and as soon as my mom called which is nothing unusual because i talk to my mom every day and so i picked up the phone like normal and
00:06:03
Speaker
I could just tell something was terribly wrong. I could just hear it in her voice before she even spoke and she proceeded to tell me that my sister had taken her life that morning and like I had just said we were just completely devastated. I was in complete shock as we all were as a family and I'll never forget like
00:06:27
Speaker
driving my parents house sits back off the road and in the same town as you same town and it's and it's lined with these beautiful tall pine trees and as I was coming down the road and I as I was driving down the lane and turning towards my parents house I'll never forget the image of the sheriff's car out in front of my parents house that will forever be
00:06:56
Speaker
like burned in my memory because I've never seen something like that, let alone knowing what came next. And so, yeah, we were just completely, you know, just devastated as a family, trying to navigate this complexity of the situation and just mourn the loss of our sister and for my mom, her daughter.
00:07:24
Speaker
Yeah, and when I've spoken to people that have had family members die to suicide, there's this other layer that is added to that. Of what I've sensed in the conversations, there's this added layer, like, what if I could have done this? What if I would, oh, when she said this, it's like all these replaying of your life
00:07:51
Speaker
in the last few weeks or then months or years even. Were there clues? It's like it goes into this record. And then of course, then society's way of viewing suicide is very different sometimes than something else. So it's like all these emotions are on top of the fact that you're already grieving
00:08:13
Speaker
the loss of your loved one, then you have all these society taboos and everything added to it. It's just so much, it's heavy. So my heart goes out to you and your family for experiencing this and the grief. And I know that grief is unique to everybody. And I'm sure with eight siblings, you notice that each one of you or seven of you grieved really differently as well as your parents.
00:08:41
Speaker
So tell us then what was then, well, something we forgot to share was this was the day before your birthday, is that correct? Yes, that's correct.
00:08:55
Speaker
So your birthday was the next day. She passed away then the day before your birthday. So tell us a little bit about that week, if you even remember, because it's sometimes like, it can be like a blur, and how you all as a family honored her life. And this was in 2019. So tell us about that.
00:09:20
Speaker
Yeah. And you know, it's interesting because like you were saying just a minute ago, if I've forgotten and I'll never forget, I'll never forget that moment of that first birthday without my sister. And I thought birthday, I'm
First Birthday Without Gina
00:09:36
Speaker
just say it like it was, it sucked. And it was, it's something that I'll never forget because I just remember
00:09:48
Speaker
you know, blowing out the candles on my birthday cake and just thinking, okay, she's gone. And this is the first birthday without her. And just how hard and how just tender that moment really was for me. And at the time my daughter had just turned three,
00:10:14
Speaker
And so she was like, she was happy, you know, in that regard to celebrate my birthday. And she was like, Mommy, can we have some cake? You know, so she definitely helped keep that birthday as, as light as it possibly could in that moment. And so I'm truly grateful for that. And yeah, just as far as the
00:10:43
Speaker
the dynamic of our family and each of us processes our grief differently. And I told myself, like I had just mentioned, I was literally in my senior year of college getting ready to graduate. And I had about a month left before I graduated. And so my priorities tended to shift after this. And I just said, it didn't
00:11:11
Speaker
It didn't matter about the grades at that point. I mean, I was very grateful that I still maintained a high GPA, but still at that point, it became irrelevant. I just said, Crystal, I just need, I just need to graduate. That's all there is to it. And then I can begin the healing process, whatever that looks like, because I didn't know this was, this was all new territory. I mean, I had experienced.
00:11:38
Speaker
multiple losses in my life, especially in 2013 that year, I had experienced multiple losses during that year. Were they related to death losses in terms of deaths? Yes. In 2013. Were they also family members or friends? Yes. Family members. Both, both family and friends. And so, yeah, my best friend.
00:12:07
Speaker
It was just with the loss of my sister, it was different and as it should be, but it was a different experience altogether. It was something new. We had never experienced something like that as a family. So yeah, it was very, it was hard. I'm not gonna lie, it was hard.
00:12:32
Speaker
Absolutely, as it should be. I mean, it's expected to be. But it's interesting because even though you had had, you know, the experience of grief, you know, just what is it, I don't know, my math six years before and 2013.
00:12:53
Speaker
It still was a different dynamic, you know, the person that died in 2019, the dynamics of everything, especially the family dynamics, right? How much they shift when one person is no longer there is a very unique, yeah, it's different than when it's a friend or it's a relative, but that it's a relative that is not in that family unit. Right, in that inner, you know, you call it inner circle, yeah.
00:13:21
Speaker
Yes, it's definitely very different. It's not somebody that you, you know, like in this case, with this history, probably talk often the family gatherings, those kinds of things. So everything starts shifting. So on that birthday, I like I was thinking, did you have a cake? Did you celebrate mainly for Ava? Because she knew that it was your birthday, and she was excited.
00:13:48
Speaker
I, I told myself that, you know, I was, I wanted to celebrate the fact that it was my birthday and I knew that it would never look the same. And so in my mind, and not only did I want to sell it, not only did I want it to be for Ava too,
00:14:09
Speaker
and to have her celebrate with me. But I also wanted to say, and think of my sister, and say, okay, what would Gina want? She would have wanted me to go out and
00:14:27
Speaker
and have a cake and you know to be completely transparent I don't remember presents and at that point it didn't matter you know it was just like I just had the cake and having my little girl sing to me happy birthday was was all that I wanted and it wasn't you know obviously what I really would have wanted wouldn't happen and so which was of course wanting my sister back but
00:14:57
Speaker
Yeah. So it's a beautiful question, but I really feel, I really felt at that time, I'm going to celebrate the fact that it's my birthday.
00:15:08
Speaker
Because I know it's what you wanted. Yeah. And the fact that it's the honoring the preciousness of life, right? Even more, in the frailty of it, too, that why not honor this other year that you're alive and well, especially in the
00:15:28
Speaker
dichotomy with her having just passed away like it's that celebration of you know your life and yeah like you said putting yourself into like what she would have wanted you to be feeling and so forth that's that's beautiful
00:15:46
Speaker
Now, talking about Ava, how did you explain to her as a three-year-old that her Aunt Gina had... How did she call her, by the way? How did she call her Aunt Gina? She called her Aunt Gina. Aunt Gina. That her Aunt Gina had passed away. What kind of words did you use for her at that moment?
Explaining Loss to a Child
00:16:09
Speaker
Yeah, to be honest, I struggled with wanting to tell her and I was really just talking with my husband and saying, okay, do we tell her the truth? Because to be quite frank, how do you tell a three-year-old that her Aunt Gina had passed away and especially of this magnitude?
00:16:33
Speaker
And so I, I had a moment where I was like, okay, I needed to decide. And, and of course I was crying all throughout and she came up to me. I was in the bathroom and she came up to me and she says, mommy, why are you crying?
00:16:50
Speaker
And I said, well, and so I, you know, okay, I mustered up all the courage I could. And I just, I had to tell her. So I just said, you know, honey, I'm just really sad. And she's like, why are you sad? And I said, well, your aunt Gina has died. And she looks at me with these big eyes. And her innocence was so beautiful. She just said,
00:17:20
Speaker
mommy why and and i just said you know honey i don't know why i just know that aunt jina was really sad and then she got these she got a smile on her face and i was like okay i just told you that your aunt jina had died now why are you smiling
00:17:45
Speaker
And she got really quiet, and I asked her, I said, honey, why are you smiling? And she goes, well, does that mean she's with Grandpa Lanny? That's my dad. Oh. Oh, so your dad. That's my dad. And I said. Your dad has pa. Oh, so only your mom. Oh. That part I didn't know. Did your dad pass away in 2013? Oh. And she goes, does that mean she's with Grandpa Lanny? And I said, yeah, she's with Grandpa Lanny.
00:18:15
Speaker
And she goes, okay. And she runs out of the bathroom. And I was, I just sat there for a moment. I was like, yes, that just happened. But it was so
Remembering Gina with Traditions
00:18:31
Speaker
beautiful. It was like, to me, it was the biggest hug that I could possibly have knowing that she was safe and that she was in good company.
00:18:52
Speaker
It's interesting because a lot of times, those little things like that, like when my mom passed away, my sister died before my mom. And so when my mom passed away, my dad actually would say, and my dad listens to his podcast, so he'll hear it, but he would say, it's like, oh, it's like she gets to be with Zorana, Zorana. You know, like there was this aspect of, of course my dad sat, but it's like this aspect of this longing actually, even.
00:19:10
Speaker
Thank you.
00:19:18
Speaker
in that voice, like, wow, you know, like now she gets to be with her daughter. My sister passed away 20 years before my mom. So it's that, wow, she gets to be with her daughter. It's this beautiful reunion. Yeah. Yeah. So that brought a piece and the fact that your three-year-old reminded you of that and gave you that comfort with that.
00:19:41
Speaker
Simplicity, you know, sometimes I think we over-complicate. We over-complicate, even that's just how we explain. You only, you use the word, you know, that she got, and then she's the one that made the association that she's now with her grandpa. Like, you didn't even say that, and she said that, and that's just beautiful. And that she thought of it with a smile, that she thought, oh, how beautiful, you know.
00:20:09
Speaker
Wow, thank you for sharing that. Now, how then did you all celebrate her life after her passing? What was the, and I say celebrate memoir, I'm not sure, how was her life celebrated or remembered?
00:20:28
Speaker
Yeah.
Pre-Pandemic Celebrations
00:20:30
Speaker
Well, we celebrated and remembered her all throughout that, especially as the months went on. But, you know, there were these little milestones. Her birthday, my sister's birthday is in January. And so as we were approaching her birthday,
00:20:51
Speaker
I knew my sister loved Moose Trax ice cream. So I went to the store and I got it and I remember looking at it like, I don't think this is it, but it was the only one they had ironically enough.
00:21:12
Speaker
And last, last, literally the last, um, kind or whatever the last kind. And it was everything else was all of the other most tracks in the different brands were gone. Like I was so surprised, but so I got the last one. I remember looking at it and like, this looks so different. Well, what it was, they had swapped out its vanilla with chocolate and peanut butter cups.
00:21:39
Speaker
well the kind that I got was chocolate with chocolate like swirls and peanut butter cups so it was different but anyways I brought it home and
00:21:51
Speaker
we sang happy birthday to my sister and my little girl goes, mommy, can we have some of Aunt Gina's ice cream? And I go, yes, yes, we can. So now whenever we have it around my sister's birthday, we, you know, she asks, you know, mommy, can I have some of Aunt Gina's ice cream?
00:22:12
Speaker
And so she knows that as Aunt Dina's ice cream. And it's just really sweet. It's perfect. It's just so, yeah, it was simple. Again, just ordering her with like her favorite ice cream. And then, you know, that's something that Ava will carry on as well. So did you celebrate her first birthday? Just the three of you and your family unit? Yeah, we did. My mom, I don't know where she was at at the time, but, but yeah, it was just us. It was just us three. And it was beautiful.
00:22:43
Speaker
memorable. Now, how was it then coming around then in March of 2020, then was her one year anniversary? Where were what and your first birthday? No, second birthday, I guess without her. So what? What were we already in quarantine when the when? Okay, so tell us a little bit about that.
00:23:05
Speaker
Yeah, we had actually here in Utah, it was interesting because I, you know, I was, as you said, this was the second birthday without my sister. And I normally don't, don't celebrate like go full out and do a party and all of that. It's usually very, very low key and
00:23:28
Speaker
and just my husband and family and, you know, my, some of my siblings come over. But, but that year I just, as we were approaching the one year, I said, I'm going to celebrate it. I know that I'd normally don't, but I, I want to do something really fun to not only celebrate my birthday, but also to remember my sister. And so we went out to one of those escape rooms and
00:23:58
Speaker
you know they're not cheap but oh my goodness it was worth every penny and we were supposed to escape Camelot and we didn't escape Camelot we got stuck in Camelot but but only after the the person running it was like well if you guys only had like
00:24:18
Speaker
five more minutes or 10 more minutes you guys would have escaped I'm like oh well then why didn't you give us one more minutes there's not anybody here you know that's going to come into the room but
00:24:32
Speaker
We're very much fans of escape rooms, very much. My kids are full-on. Every time we go on vacation, they associate every time we go on vacation for us to look for an escape room because the first time we ever went to an escape room was in Hawaii, went in Maui when we were on vacation.
00:24:48
Speaker
So now every time, yeah, so now every time we go somewhere, he's like, escape room? Okay, they're almost 13 and 14, okay? That's my kids. And they're still like, escape room? I'm like, oh my gosh. So then we end up having to find an escape room wherever. We're like out skiing in Colorado. We had to find escape room for these children. Oh, that's so fun.
00:25:11
Speaker
Yeah, they related now. Yeah, they related now to our vacations just because of that one time. So then you did the not escape from Camelot and then... Our souls are still stuck in Camelot.
00:25:29
Speaker
And so it was, so it was the, you guys and some of your siblings as well were there or. You know, it was interesting because I, we just invited a bunch of friends and I, of course I invited my siblings, but they were, you know, who knows what I can't remember what they were doing, but they were, they were all busy. And so.
00:25:49
Speaker
we just kind of planned this kind of last-minute thing and so but yeah we had just a blast and and everybody in our group all of our friends they had never done it before either and so we got done and we were like oh this is dangerous we could we could do this every week
00:26:09
Speaker
It was so much fun. It's so fun. Now, maybe that's just the way you celebrate every year, your birthday now. Maybe that, you know, that could be like the tradition. Yeah, exactly. And so ironically enough, we went out, we went to dinner afterwards, and we celebrated my birthday with the escape room. And then that Monday, so my birthday was on a Saturday. And then my on Monday, the whole world just shut down. And so
00:26:40
Speaker
It was sort of this, this beautiful moment where it was like, Oh, okay. Now, you know, now everything goes quiet and, and we can, you know, adjust and pivot to that.
00:26:56
Speaker
So so yeah, so the that duality that then that's why you were actually celebrating maybe so big and grand because then just to your two days later, you're quarantined. So had you not like thrown that big party for your birthday, you know, maybe it would have felt like even weirder, you know, going into the quarantine. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well, and we had no idea. I mean, obviously we didn't know that it would
00:27:26
Speaker
It would be so quickly. I mean, it was like, my husband, you know, came home from work that Friday, and we were texting each other all throughout the day and he was like, school districts just closed, you know, and he was just like,
00:27:45
Speaker
you know, these little like, you know, like I said, the school district was closed. You know, this place just just like stopped. And so as we were going throughout the day, it was like, Oh, wow, like, this is this is serious, like, we didn't expect it. And so, you know, yes, we went and did this big party that we had already planned. And so
00:28:10
Speaker
And then Monday, it was like, everything went silent. And it was, I'm so glad that we actually did. And plus it was the, you know, like we had just said, it was the one year anniversary the day before. And so, and again, I just wanted to really celebrate my sister and remember her in such a loving way. And I could think of no better thing
00:28:38
Speaker
than to go out and go to an escape room and do something fun that I had never done before. That's wonderful. I love that. I love that. And everybody, again, like we say, everybody grieves different. Everybody honors their loved ones differently, as well as everybody's first birthday without their loved ones or in your case second. But I mean, really kind of first slash because you're probably still in a fog the first time.
00:29:07
Speaker
also just does it differently. And I love that component of remembering that if your loved one were next, you know, with you, they'd want to celebrate, right? So I'm glad that you did.
2013 Grief Journey and Friendship
00:29:21
Speaker
So tell us in that first year, what were some of your biggest tools to help you navigate this grief journey? And now that you've mentioned that in 2013 and your dad had passed away as well as your best friend, what tools did you use in 2013 as well? Because maybe some of those tools navigating grief then that they play a part in your grief journey when your sister died.
00:29:49
Speaker
Yeah. Oh my goodness. So in 2013, I have kind of, I've coined that my year of hell because that's what it was.
00:30:01
Speaker
For me, so in January of that year, my brother and his wife were getting ready to have their son, Will, and at 39 weeks' gestation, my sister-in-law was supposed to deliver him literally the next week, and he passed away.
00:30:29
Speaker
we all were just completely shocked. There were no signs of trauma inside the womb, and it was just something that just happened. And my, as you can imagine, we were completely just heartbroken. And the one of the more tragic things, of course, too, was my my sister-in-law still had to deliver. And so knowing the outcome,
00:30:59
Speaker
And so that happened in January of that year. And then my father passed away unexpectedly from health complications in April of that year. And then my best friend passed away in December of that same year from the same health complications as my dad. And so, yeah, to say that,
00:31:27
Speaker
I was like, holy cow, is an understatement. I was just like, what just happened? And the best tools looking back on that year particularly was there were so many things and honestly,
00:31:52
Speaker
From April to December, I was mourning the loss of my dad.
00:32:01
Speaker
lose my best friend in December of that year. So I always say like I had that little time to grieve and to process my dad's death. And I did that with the help of my best friend too. And so we were able to, you know, we lived in Colorado at the time of my dad's passing and my nephew, but we moved back
00:32:31
Speaker
in August of that year. And so I was able to spend more time around my best friend. And then like I said, unknowingly, she would pass that December, but she was the one that really, you know, would call me up out of the blue and say, Crystal, we're going to a movie.
00:32:52
Speaker
And I, again, grief is, is so interesting because if for me, it was like, no, my natural reaction was like, no, I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I'm, I'm just going to stay at home. And it was like, no, Crystal go, go. And you need a break. You need a break from the heaviness of this all of, of all of this.
00:33:16
Speaker
There's been a lot of life transitions for you and you just need to get out and to have that break and to go have some fun. And so I did. What's her name? What's your friend's name? Her name is Diane.
00:33:30
Speaker
Diane. Yeah. And so in, in Diane, she, her personality was just like, let's go have fun. Like that was her personality. It was, let's go have fun. Let's go to the movies. Let's go do parties. Like she heard that was her personality. And so I was like, okay, like let's, you know, she was just bubbly, just bubbly personality. And so.
00:34:00
Speaker
we would and so we went out and we would go to the movies and and I just remember you know just sitting there after and coming home I just was like thanks you know thank you because I needed that I needed that break so that was one of the tools unknowingly it was her friendship her support and her friendship yeah was just having that friend to just vent and just
00:34:29
Speaker
Be, have someone that I could be vulnerable with and raw and really unfiltered because, you know, the family members and the friends that you have to be filtered with and you can't say this. But yeah, with her, it was, it was just easy. I didn't have to feel like I had to put on a show or a front. Okay, sure.
00:35:00
Speaker
So Diane then was your biggest support then in that moment. And so now did you take some of the things that she basically taught you to do then during that grief journey of your dad's passing,
00:35:16
Speaker
when she passed away in December, like, did you did you use some of the tools she would implement with you of the going out and also just expressing after her passing? And then who did you use then as your support? Who was it that you could just be completely raw and real when Diane died?
00:35:39
Speaker
Oh my goodness, but a beautiful question. So to your first question, yes, I absolutely took the things that she taught me forward and used it to process her death. And, you know, just her life in general, she was, like I said, just a bubbly personality. And so, yeah, I 100% was like,
00:36:09
Speaker
I remember telling my husband, I'm like, I'm going to go to New Zealand and I'm just going to go. And I just started working for the family business. And I'm like, I don't care. I'm going to just go to New Zealand. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's like, honey, I love you. You can't do that.
00:36:29
Speaker
You can't do that just now. He's like, but it's like, I love your enthusiasm, but you just can't. So I was like, okay, well, I can go to the movies. He's like, okay, go do that. And, and he really became the person that I turned to for that support. And, and of course my mom too. And.
00:36:56
Speaker
There were moments when I was lashing out and my mom would lovingly say, honey, you're just trying to process Diane's loss. Okay. And so, and it was just like, yeah, yeah, you're right. And so I would give myself grace in those moments.
00:37:18
Speaker
So important, so important that aspect of giving yourself grace, because we can be we can be judgmental of our own way of grieving to write like we end up judging ourselves whether we cry whether we don't whether like it's like we haven't
00:37:35
Speaker
I got him out of bed for weeks. We judge. We know what I mean. It's kind of like, um, we put that extra burden on ourselves. And it's true. And you know, the old saying goes, is we're our own worst critic. Well, especially when we're grieving.
00:37:54
Speaker
Especially because I think with grief, and this is one of the reasons of the podcast, is that people can hear how different everybody's journeys are and stories and how unique the journey is of grief to every individual.
00:38:11
Speaker
It gives somebody that either is just fresh to this new journey and perspective that it is going to be unique and therefore hopefully it will allow them to give themselves more grace and not be so judgmental of their own journey.
00:38:29
Speaker
So, when Diane died, then you used then your husband for that support to be able to talk, your mom.
Current Grief Journey and Communication
00:38:38
Speaker
So, for you, the biggest tool has been then individuals to be able to talk to. Did you use any other tools? Writing, music, dance, I don't know, any other way that you were able to kind of process and move the grief through you?
00:38:57
Speaker
Yes, I, because like I had just said, I had, I would literally had just started working for my family owned for the family owned business.
00:39:08
Speaker
not not long after Diane had passed away and so I really the biggest thing that I did was cry was cry even when it wasn't pretty in the in the moment and it you know thankfully at that time I had
00:39:28
Speaker
worked in the upstairs office by myself for the first. Oh, golly, I don't remember exactly. But so I had that alone time before I had to then
00:39:41
Speaker
come downstairs and interact with customers and all of that. So I was very grateful because there were so many times when I was just, when I would be listening to music and I would be thinking of Diane and I would just be bawling and I would be coming to work and I would just bawl. And so I really just honored that time and just allowed myself to cry because up until that point,
00:40:12
Speaker
It's, and again, everybody's journey is so unique, but my natural tendency is to like kind of push it off and like, Nope, I'm not going to process this emotion. This emotion sucks. So no, I'm not going to process it. Like we're just going to put it on the back burner. And I'm telling you, every time I do that, it comes back tenfold to bite me in the butt. And it's like, I wish I would have just done it then. But.
00:40:42
Speaker
Your mind tends to play tricks on you and it's like, you know, you're fine when you are in fact not okay. You don't feel okay. This has just happened. And so again, we've mentioned it before, but it's worth repeating. I gave myself grace in those moments when I needed to cry and just process it. And I would speak to her. I still do. I speak to her all the time.
00:41:11
Speaker
I speak to my sister all the time because they are experiencing life with you even when you don't think it. When you're having a bad day, so are they because they're there. You just can't see them. And I'll share this beautiful story as we wrap things up, but it was, it was Christmas that year of 2013 and
00:41:41
Speaker
And Diane loved Christmas. She loved Christmas and her family would go all out. Like they'd get the fresh tree. They'd get presents for each other. And because I come from a big family, my dad had this like understanding. It was like, you know, y'all are getting money and you're welcome because there's eight of you guys. So yeah.
00:42:11
Speaker
So Diane, you know, because her family was so into Christmas, when she found out that all I would get is an envelope full of money, you know, oh, darn, you know.
00:42:24
Speaker
she was like completely floored she was like wait crystal you don't have anything to unwrap at christmas i was like no and she was like oh we're stopping that like burp i'm buying you a gift and she did she bought me a gift and i don't remember what it was but it really became my heart and soul to get this gift from her every single year and
00:42:52
Speaker
So here it was Christmas and she had passed and my dad had passed. And so there were a lot of just heaviness that year and as we were celebrating this Christmas. And so I remember just getting so upset and I remember yelling and screaming at them and being like, you guys should be here right now. You should be here. And I don't mean to get emotional,
00:43:23
Speaker
But I immediately felt this peace come over me. As they said, Crystal, we're here. We are just not in the form that you want us to be right now. And I said, okay, you're absolutely right. You're absolutely right.
00:43:53
Speaker
You are here experiencing life with me, but you're just not in the form that I want you to be in. I want you to be here physically with me, but you're not. But make no mistake, they're there.
00:44:08
Speaker
And it brings, that aspect of faith brings so much comfort in the grief journey as well. It just, doesn't it? Like that aspect of the fact that if we don't see it as a complete end for, do you feel that? That for you, because you don't see it as it, yeah. Like how tragic, that's an even bigger tragedy is to feel like that truly is the end.
00:44:36
Speaker
And I know in my soul and my spirit that that can't be the end. Cause if that's the end, I mean, I can't think of a bigger tragedy than that. If I truly believe that that was the end, that I would never see them again. I mean, that, that truly is the real tragedy there. If I, if I allow that to be the end and I believe that that's the
00:45:04
Speaker
Agreed, agreed and that connection and the talking and I'm the same and the fact that you were able to hear hear them say that we're here you know that clarity for me would come in poems sometimes like I one time I was driving I was talking to my sister and then afterwards I you know I started writing a poem talking to her as I'm like driving and then in the poem as I am again I'm writing it as I'm talking she responds
00:45:32
Speaker
you know, but it's like, you know, like I'm, you know, it's like, so within that, it was like this poem that's a conversation, but it's just common, you know, and I'm like, and I truly believe like, it was that, and it's very similar to what you said, it was in Spanish, but it was basically, I was saying, in the poem, I'm saying, I can, in the, in the, in the, in the sunset, I saw your, your face looking at me, you know, your rate, and then afterwards, it's like, um,
00:45:59
Speaker
Then she responds is like, you think I've abandoned you and how, how mistaken you are. I'm with you. Even, even when you're, you know, sleeping, you know, like all these like kind of things. I'm like, again, I'm paraphrasing my own poem because it's in Spanish, but, um, but it's that aspect of continuing being with me. Like I'm, that I was wrong to think that she was not, you know? Yeah. So, uh, so similar, you know, very similar there.
00:46:27
Speaker
So then with, let's go into then talking and then I know we're wrapping up soon, but it's like I still have so many questions. I told you like my things with my interviews end up being long because I'm so curious.
00:46:42
Speaker
Then when Gina died then, who was it? Did you also with your husband, is that who you processed your grief with as well was with him? And then you continue then also, you said you talk with Gina as well now, and now tell us a little bit of that, the grief journey then, and now the kit that you've developed, the journal, the handbook, the book, and all these other things. So lots of all piled up there, but for you to go ahead and speak.
00:47:14
Speaker
yes well again my my mother has been just a tremendous support and in that regard and I forget that it's you know because we're so close that that she lost a daughter and how hard that must have been for her to find her daughter
00:47:40
Speaker
And then to have to process that with one of her daughters. And so, you know, hats go off to my mom for her bravery and for her courage and her example that she is to me and not just to me, but to my siblings.
00:48:06
Speaker
Yeah. And of course my husband has been tremendous. And then Ava, I have to give props to her because she will remind me of things that my sister had said. And I am just astounded at the things that she remembers even to this day. And, and she reminds me that
00:48:37
Speaker
that she's not far, that Tina's right there, and that she's experiencing life with us. And so those three people have really been a tremendous support in my life. And knowing sort of this journey that I was on that is ultimately why my heart
00:49:03
Speaker
just really, you know, spoke to me in that regard for the journal specifically that I created because I know what it's like, especially during those first 30 days where everything feels like a blur and you don't know what day it is. And quite frankly, you don't even care what day it is. And that's okay. Like that's all okay. But I really wanted,
00:49:30
Speaker
truth be told I wanted to give someone a hug and this is the best way that I could do that is allow someone to feel like they're not alone in this space if they have lost a loved one to suicide to have this journal be a starting point for them when they're ready and even if it's been six months even if it's been you know
00:49:57
Speaker
on the 27th of the month and they're like, okay, I want to pick up Crystal's journal and go the next 30 days, do the things that she's talking about and how I can use this as a way to process and begin that grieving process. And that was ultimately my heart behind it because I know what that's like to feel like
00:50:21
Speaker
Oh my gosh, this just happened to me. And where do I begin? And society's telling me, like, I've got a quote unquote, move on. And my heart's been completely shattered in a million pieces and then been given back to me and society's telling me, now fix it. And you're like, okay, well, excuse my language, but how in the hell do I do that?
00:50:49
Speaker
there's no road map. And so that again, it goes back to my heart behind writing this journal in the first place was I wanted somebody to know that they're not alone, to feel that love, not just for me, Crystal, but even from their loved one. And I dare
Creating a Grief Journal
00:51:09
Speaker
say even more so from their loved one, that they're right alongside you and they're
00:51:16
Speaker
they're walking with you and what a beautiful way to connect with them and just allow yourself grace throughout that entire process. That is beautiful. Now this particular journal is specifically for people who've lost somebody to suicide or can anybody pick it up and gather something from it?
00:51:38
Speaker
Yes, I wrote it specifically for those that have lost a loved one to suicide. But there's definitely pieces in there that apply to loss and grief in general, because, as you know, you know, grief is grief. And so allowing something like that to break it down into bite sized manageable pieces on a day to day
00:52:05
Speaker
that you can begin to feel like, okay, I don't know what next year is going to look like, but let's start with these first 30 days. Like let's just start today. And like I said earlier, it doesn't matter if it's the 17th, it doesn't matter if it's the first day of the month. If you feel like you just need a refresher, you need to pick me up.
00:52:32
Speaker
Please use this journal as a way to start that healing process.
00:52:38
Speaker
That's wonderful. Thank you so much and for offering that tool and I'll put the link of where they can get it as well as maybe by the time this podcast is released, your book is already available as well. Yeah. But
Connecting with Crystal and Resources
00:52:53
Speaker
all those links will be then in the show notes so that they can reach you and then the best way to connect with you would it be Instagram, Facebook, what's the best way for people to kind of reach you?
00:53:05
Speaker
Yeah. So you can find more at scattering help.com or owl and thistle.com. And both of those, those will, I'll send the link over to you. So you have them and yeah.
00:53:20
Speaker
beautiful thank you thank you and thank you to Eva also for allowing mommy to to chat while she would watch movies we're saying she was watching the big hero six and if anybody has has children that's a good one too to kind of show a little bit of grief journey in that movie there is a certain you know elements of that as well that it can help you kind of
00:53:44
Speaker
know that your loved one continues to be with you too. They care, right? It has that dynamic. So thank you. Oh, there she is. Well, hello Eva. Thank you. We're just wrapping up. We're wrapping up. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you so much Crystal. Thanks.
00:54:10
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:54:38
Speaker
Also,
Conclusion and Invitation to Share Stories
00:54:39
Speaker
if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.