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Kids & Manners {Episode 29}
124 Plays5 years ago
Teaching kids about manners...essential! In this episode, Bonnie & Audrey cover 30 different manners across 4 sections for helping kids learn good manners. Lively and upbeat, this episode is filled with lots of laughter and stories of their kids not-so-great manners!
Show notes:
Studio C sketches about kindergarden manners: Kindergarden Love & Kindergarden Power
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Transcript
Introduction & Episode Announcement
00:00:06
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. And we're homeschooling moms to a combined total of 18 children. We know firsthand that motherhood is full of crazy chaos and overwhelming obligations, but it should also be full of love and laughter. Regardless of where you are on your journey, come join us as we work together to find joy in the chaos of motherhood.
00:00:31
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 29. Today we're going to be talking about manners. And before we start, instead of reading a humor segment this time, we're going to ask you guys to send us your funny things your kids have said
00:00:47
Speaker
or your crazy mom moment or something you thought you'd never say because we want to hear from you guys and we want to laugh with you guys and we want some comic relief in
Engagement & Listener Interaction
00:01:00
Speaker
our life. So you guys email us, outnumber the podcast at gmail.com and tell us something funny that's happened to you.
00:01:10
Speaker
Yes, I'm really excited to hear all your humor segments because I think sometimes just in sharing them, we can see the humor in something that previously really frustrated us. Okay, I am going to also remind everyone that we would love to get a review from you on iTunes. We just love hearing what you have to say so much and it helps other people find us. The review we are going to share today is one of our first reviews.
00:01:34
Speaker
Uh, by a fun mom, it's entitled refreshing. She says, what a refreshing podcast. It's wonderful to hear how successful families happen. Keep up the great work. Thank you so much. We really appreciate it. So pop on there, share review. Anytime you get a second, we'd really appreciate it. Yes, absolutely. Reviews help other people find our podcast when they're searching in iTunes.
00:01:56
Speaker
Okay, so today we're gonna cover the topic of manners.
Teaching Manners at Home
00:02:00
Speaker
Now, there are probably hundreds of things, manners, different manners we could talk about, but we just decided to discuss 30 manners that are important to us and we try to teach our kids in four different areas of life.
00:02:15
Speaker
Yeah, I'm really glad that Audrey took the reins on this one because I was thinking, I don't think I have much to say about manners. My kids are not that polite, but she came up with a lot of great ideas. And actually, we do have a lot to say about this, so we're excited to share. To start off, we just want to mention that the best way to teach good manners is to have good manners. Sadly, example is the number one teacher. And so if we find ourselves falling short in these areas, the first thing we can do is to improve ourselves in order to teach our kids.
00:02:42
Speaker
In previous episodes, we've talked about caring too much about what other people feel and think and having that affect your
00:02:52
Speaker
the way that you interact with your kids. But I do think it's important to make a good impression with your family, with my family. And so like if we, and not be a burden on other people. So for example, if we go somewhere and all my kids make a huge mess and are very loud and chew with their mouths open and
00:03:15
Speaker
make it generally very uncomfortable for the hostess. I don't think we would be invited back or it be...
00:03:25
Speaker
welcome in certain areas or situations anymore. So, banners are, in my opinion, a good way to have our family make a good impression on others. And I love it when I'm like at the grocery store or out and about and people say, oh, your children are so well behaved. In fact, my kids know that that's code words for you guys are going to get a reward when we get home because you did so good that someone complimented us.
Cultural Perspectives on Manners
00:03:50
Speaker
I love that. Yeah. And I also feel like it's kind of our responsibility a little bit to be ambassadors of good mothership, mothership, motherhood, right? You know, we go out and it doesn't mean your kids have to be perfectly behaved. Everybody understands that kids throw fits and are naughty or whatever. But when we teach them good values and good manners, it shows. And when people see that,
00:04:15
Speaker
they're more likely to have a favorable impression of a big family or a small family or a family that shops at Costco. I don't know, whatever you do, they're going to think, oh, you know, what a good example of of a family, you know, and sometimes, especially in today's day and age, where not everybody loves the idea of having a family. I think I think that's an important thing to do. Right. Exactly. I think we can illustrate that by the time we have nine kids, we ought to have it down a little bit.
00:04:43
Speaker
Yeah, so we want to mention that there are definitely differences in what's considered polite in different regions and different cultures. So I've lived in other countries and certain things are considered no-nos that might not be considered that way here. I'll give you a quick example. I served as a missionary for my church in Russia.
00:05:03
Speaker
And they mentioned that books are very, very important to Russians, probably specifically because they, well, especially scripture, probably because for many years, the Soviet Union did not allow people to own their own Bibles. And so they mentioned in our training, they said, make sure that you really respect books and that you never place them, place scriptures on the floor because they're, you know, holy books.
00:05:26
Speaker
I thought that was interesting, but what did I do? First Sunday there, I show up to church and I stick my scriptures under my chair, which is what I always did at home. And I remember a small child, maybe four or five came up to me and just started jabbering at me. And I had no idea what he was saying, of course, and pointed at my scriptures and shook his head like, no, no, no, no, you don't do that. Like even the four year old knew we don't put holy books on the floor. And I thought, how interesting. And that was something that I had to learn in order to fit in culturally.
Table Manners for Kids
00:05:53
Speaker
Yeah, that's pretty cool. Okay, so my number one tip for working with kids and manners is to start teaching them young. A two-year-old loves to show you how they can chew with their mouth closed. And whereas if you're trying to teach a 13-year-old to chew with their mouth closed, it's just a losing battle at that point.
00:06:15
Speaker
Right. Right. The young ones are always trying to please and they get kind of a special thrill out of that. And if they have that ingrained since their youth, then maybe they'll rebel, but eventually they'll come back hopefully. Yeah. It'll be a good habit by that time. Exactly. Exactly. So the first area of life that we want to talk about manners is in our table behavior. And this is probably one of the first things we think about, right? Because we feed our children three times a day or sometimes more.
00:06:41
Speaker
And to have kids that know how to behave appropriately at the table is very important. Yes, because we are at the table three times a day or eating three times a day, it is a good opportunity to use it as a consistent time and place to teach manners. So the first one here is please and thank you.
00:06:59
Speaker
and please pass and then thank you after it's passed. And then if those words are not used, then the thing doesn't get passed. So it's a good little way to start learning manners. Right. If you want your mashed potatoes, I better hear the P word.
00:07:18
Speaker
I have a sister-in-law who's very, very good at teaching her kids manners. And one of the things that she always focuses on is saying, no, thank you. So when someone offers you something instead of it's instead of no, it's just, no, thank you. Thank you for offering, but I'll pass. And I just really love hearing that out of a little four or six year old's mouth. That's the cutest thing ever.
00:07:36
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. So one of these examples is chewing with your mouth closed. This is a huge one at my house. It really irritates my husband. And so we talk about it a lot. Um, but, but it's one thing that you can definitely be an example of, but also you can role play it, you know, uh, anytime at the table or away from the table, somebody can be chewing a snack and just say, Oh, what's the rule? And let's try it all out. Let's try to keep those lips closed. And it's kind of a, uh, something they have to be trained to do, but they can do it even at a young age.
00:08:05
Speaker
Yes, I'm super sensitive to food chewing noises too. So that's a big one at our house too. The next one is passing food or passing items. So this is like, do you pass left to right or do you pass right to left? You know, the food goes around in a circle at the table. Although at our house, a lot of times we do dishing up cafeteria style in the kitchen because sometimes it's just easier. It takes such a long time to get all the food passed around. Yeah, exactly. But anyway, the kids do need to know how to pass food.
00:08:35
Speaker
Yeah, I will actually share an example of how we do this lately. Oftentimes we do the same way. We'll spread it all out on the bar and everybody serves themselves and then goes to sit down. But because we have so many small children that are not very adept at passing big containers or serving themselves, I leave all the plates by me and I'll have the food right by me and then I'll dish up a plate, pass it out, dish up a plate, pass it out. So that's kind of how we work. And maybe if you have small children that might work for you too.
00:08:59
Speaker
Right, yeah. We sit at the table with, we kind of have a big kid and then a little kid so that thing can be passed across with people with longer arms and then they can also help their sibling next to them cut their food or dish out their food or whatever. That's very smart.
00:09:17
Speaker
So, another item to be addressed at the table is when to start eating. So, if you say a prayer, then you might want to train your children to wait until after that or if you have a rule that, you know, everyone has to be served first or you wait until grandma starts eating or whatever your personal rule is, that's something to teach your kids. I personally have a pet peeve when I see people eating before
00:09:42
Speaker
women and children start eating. So even after the prayer is said, if the women of the room have not been served and are sitting down to eat, then you can't eat yet, especially for my teenage boys. That's important to me.
00:09:56
Speaker
Okay, then moving on to utensils. Well, there's kind of two parts of this. So how to properly set a table with utensils. Where does the knife go? Where does the spoon go? Where does the fork go? And little kids that are learning how to set the table, that's a good way they can help get a meal ready, but they can also learn the proper way to set a table. If you have two forks, which one goes where and all that kind of stuff?
00:10:22
Speaker
And then how to use those utensils properly. So little kids, they usually hold their utensil, their fork in the fist grip. They just hold it, you know, and at first it's just, you know, getting the food to the mouth and that's good enough. But at some point the kids should switch to more of a, oh, I don't even know what the adult grip is called. And it comes at an age, you know, with each kid where they
00:10:47
Speaker
They learn how to balance it between their second and third fingers, you know, and use their thumb to stare and all that. And that's kind of fun to teach them. It's a different age with each kid, but it's not very nice to see. Oh, a 16 year old boy. Have you ever seen a six year old boy still using the fifth script? Not good manners.
00:11:08
Speaker
Yeah. And another thing that I like to always pay attention to is elbows on the table. And admittedly, this one is hard for me because I like to lean forward and talk and interact with my family. And I often do it myself, but my kids are quick to call me on it. So they're learning quickly. Well, with big families, it comes to a point where there just isn't enough space around the table for everybody to put their elbows on.
00:11:32
Speaker
Okay, next we have napkin usage. So the proper thing to do is good manners is to put your napkin on your lap and to use it to wipe your face. But my kids seem to think that
00:11:43
Speaker
The proper thing to do is wipe their mouth after they've been eating ribs on their shirt or on the skirt of the sister next to them or something like that. So that's a good manner to work on. Yeah, I will share something quickly here. Last night was one of my kid's birthdays, my 12-year-old turned 12, and we took him out to dinner just with mom and dad. And we don't do this a lot, but I want to get in the habit of doing it more because I feel like it's a good
00:12:07
Speaker
way to get kids to focus on their manners and have one-on-one time with mom and dad in a special environment where they're expected to be on their best behavior and act really well. And it was interesting to see what he had gleaned from our manner lessons and what we had to remind him about even when he was on his best behavior. So that's kind of fun.
00:12:26
Speaker
There's a cute story from when my dad was a kid and his parents would take my dad and his sister, I guess there were just a couple of them, out to a really nice restaurant to teach them good manners, thinking that the nice environment would help bring out the nice manners.
00:12:47
Speaker
Grandpa said to my dad, just do whatever I do for your sister, whatever I do for your grandma. So grandpa pulled out grandma's chair and dad pulled out his sister's chair and grandpa helped grandma take off her coat. And my dad says, I'm not helping her take off her coat. She could do that herself.
00:13:09
Speaker
Okay, so finally at the end of a meal, we like to talk about when it's okay to leave the table. So you need to be excused first and clearing their plate. And for some reason, this is really difficult for my eight and under set. Everyone forgets to take their plate with them. But I love a really structured dining experience, at least for dinner time, where we all come together, we pray together, we start eating together.
00:13:33
Speaker
We usually have something that we talk about at the table. I think I mentioned this in a previous episode. We talk about our highs and our lows of the day. And then when we're done, then mom or dad says, okay, you can be excused instead of kids just popping off and running every which way when they've shoveled enough food into their mouth.
00:13:49
Speaker
Yes, you know what we used to have a rule that
Public Behavior & Addressing Adults
00:13:52
Speaker
our kids had to ask to be excused and I've completely forgotten that rule So yeah, we're bringing that one back Sorry kids And then lastly eating out so often I talk about table manners at home to my kids and I say You know, probably I'm not gonna take you out to eat somewhere in public if your manners are embarrassing me at home So if we practice good manners at home then and we go out to eat
00:14:20
Speaker
then I'll be more likely to take you out to eat somewhere nice. Right? Exactly. If you want good food, you better be polite about it.
00:14:28
Speaker
Yeah. And another tip for my kids is that if you're at someone's house and you don't know their manners, their table manners, then just watch like the woman of the home and, you know, do what she does. If you don't know when to start eating, if you don't know, you know, elbows on the table or whatever their rule is, certain of these are, you know, kind of specific to certain homes or areas. If you don't know the rule, just watch the woman of the house. That's very smart. Don't watch the seven year old boy. Watch the mom.
00:14:58
Speaker
Okay, then moving on to social manners is our second area. So manners where you're interacting with other people. Yeah, one of the biggest ones for us in this regard is interrupting. And we struggle with this even at home. When I'm talking to a friend or I'm on the phone or I'm talking to another child, kids love to just come up and start shouting louder and they think whoever's louder should get the first attention or something, I don't know. So this is a delicate thing because number one, I want to teach my kids
00:15:24
Speaker
that if I'm in a conversation, you need to wait your turn. But number two, I also want my kids to know that I value what they want to say to me. So if I'm on the phone, I could be on the phone for 20 minutes with my sister-in-law and I don't think it's totally fair to make a six-year-old wait that long to tell me something important they want to tell me. So we try to teach to come up, tap mom and say, excuse me, mom. And I will always try to acknowledge them at that point. Turn and hold up my finger one second or
00:15:50
Speaker
I'll be right there and then to follow through within a minute or so, come back and I'll tell my sister to pause and then I'll hear what the kid has to say. So that's kind of a balancing act, especially with a lot of little kids that need you all the time, but that's an important skill to learn. Right. I have something similar. I have my little kids come up and put a hand on me and then I know that they're wanting my attention and I usually give them, I was going to say, give them the finger.
00:16:21
Speaker
Oh, forget you kid. What I was trying to say was, and then I'll usually left my index finger to let them know I know they're there and they have to wait a second and then we'll address them as soon as I can.
00:16:43
Speaker
Another topic with social manners is how to address adults. So this is regional. In the South, it's polite to put Mr. or Miss before a person's first name, like Mr. Fred or Miss Florence or whatever to have a title of address. But then if you go to, say, New York City or the Pacific Northwest and you call somebody by that address,
00:17:07
Speaker
it might be taken as if the kid is being cheeky or something. So just whatever your regional manners are for addressing adults. Yeah, I like that. So for us personally, anyone that belongs to our church congregation, we call sister or brother, and then anyone else that they come in contact with. I wasn't sure what to do for many years because I didn't like the idea of my
00:17:28
Speaker
six-year-old calling the neighbor Cindy, but I also didn't know that it was necessary for him to call her Mrs. Smith every time he saw her. So one of my neighbors actually just said, oh, we do the south thing. We say Miss Bonnie or Miss Audrey. And so my kids started doing that. And I really like it. I think it just elevates them addressing their friends' moms just a little bit without being too fancy. And I don't like being called Mrs. Whiskum. I think that's weird. That's my mother-in-law.
00:17:55
Speaker
And then you have to figure out addresses for teachers, like if it's school teachers or music teachers or whatever. People of authority, yeah. And so then that leads us on to talking about people in public.
Curiosity & Respectful Interactions
00:18:08
Speaker
So this is a big issue for a lot of younger kids. It's really hard for them to understand that it's impolite to stick their arms straight out and point at somebody across the store and go, mom.
00:18:17
Speaker
Why does that guy have, whatever, glasses, braces, a wheelchair, anything to embarrass you? And so we've tried to teach this one, but I still have one child in particular that is very difficult before. And it's really hard when it's something extra embarrassing. Like why is that person, I don't know, fat or something. I'm like, oh, please don't. So that's a tricky thing because you do, you don't want to shame your child for noticing that a person is different because people are different.
00:18:47
Speaker
Yes, kids just have natural curiosity and they just want to know why this person looks different or is different or acts different. Right. And I think that we can take those opportunities to teach them and inform them about differences without shaming them. And this is especially important with racial differences to say, you know, they'll say, why does that person have dark skin? You'll say, oh, yeah, isn't that interesting? They have dark skin and we have lighter skin. And you know, you have another friend that has skin kind of in a color in between those two. Isn't that interesting that everyone is different? You know, something like that.
00:19:14
Speaker
But I do, I will say that in an experience like that, where a child is saying something that you as an adult feels as embarrassing, the best thing that can be done is to make eye contact with the person, the other adult, smile, and then diffuse the situation with your child. Like, oh, that's not a very nice word to use, but you're right, that person is different from us. That's interesting to notice, you know? And that can go, just the eye contact and the smile can go a long way in helping someone not feel so embarrassed because your kid just doubted them.
00:19:43
Speaker
Oh, that reminds me of one time. And I didn't have that nice reaction. So one of the first times my kid did this, you know, point and loudly say, so it was this woman and we were in a shoe store in the mall. And so I guess my daughter was
00:19:59
Speaker
she was about four and she was looking at legs and feet and this woman had some condition where her legs were really, really swollen down by the ankles. And my daughter points at her and says, mom, does that woman have elephantitis? Oh my gosh.
00:20:15
Speaker
I don't even know where she heard that word or anything or what. So I think I grabbed her hand and scurried from the store. I don't think I even tried to discourage that situation. That's really hard. I'm sure she was just being curious, but oh, I was embarrassed. Yeah, yeah.
00:20:35
Speaker
And then we need to teach our kids the proper way of interacting with adults. So we try to teach them, you know, to look them in the eye and when they're speaking and answer questions, a lot of times a kid will get shy and not, you know, what's your name and the kid will hide in your skirt or something, you know, to have respect and to respond.
00:20:52
Speaker
One day, one way that we try to teach our kids a positive interaction with adults is we do a lot of poetry memorization, and then we teach them the proper way to recite poetry. You know, you stand up straight, you look the person in the eye that you're talking to, and you say your little poem, and that just helps them practice a little bit of adult interaction. And it also gives them something pleasing, a pleasing way to interact with the adult that they can respond to.
00:21:20
Speaker
Oh, I love that. We also talk a lot about this in regard to giving like little sermons at church because our kids have a lot of opportunities to stand before their group of peers and read a scripture or something like that. And so I love teaching them, okay, remember eyes up, we look out and if it's hard or embarrassing or scary, you can look at a spot on the back wall or these important skills for public speaking or for talking to people that might be a little intimidating.
00:21:49
Speaker
Okay.
Communication Etiquette in Modern Times
00:21:50
Speaker
So that leads us on to phone etiquette. Now this is a little tricky in this day and age because most people don't even call anymore. They just send a text or an email or something. And so we actually have to work on this one a little bit more, but we have been working on text etiquette. And what I mean by that is my kids want to just grab my phone and say, can Johnny play? I was like, okay, first of all, I don't know what's going. Okay. So to start off with.
00:22:13
Speaker
you know, like a like a phone conversation. Hi, this is Juliet. I'm wondering if Johnny could come play at my house today. We're happy to come pick him up or something like that. Full sentences, you know, say who they are, acknowledge they might be busy, etc., instead of just a rude little snippet.
00:22:32
Speaker
Right. Exactly. And then how to, you know, how to end the conversation too. Some of my kids don't know how to, you know, they're talking to grandma and they don't know how to end the conversation. Yeah. I've even had kids mouths. Yeah, exactly. Kids mouths to me say, what, what do we say? What do I do? Yeah. And practice always makes perfect with this. You can role play this as well.
00:22:54
Speaker
Yeah. We talked a lot about kids and cell phones in episode 15. And it is changing. The landscape of what phone etiquette looks like is having phones and text messages and all that. Yeah, yeah, it's really interesting.
00:23:12
Speaker
Okay, holding the doors. Do you encourage your kids to do it? If they're the first one up to the door, you know, is that the way you do it or is the tallest biggest one to hold the door? You know, that kind of thing. Yeah, that's a good question. Actually, with my younger kids, they're always very eager to, but sometimes they can't pull it open and hold it long enough. So usually a big kid will come help them out. And I'm usually got, you know, a kid in one arm and a bag in the other or something. And so
00:23:37
Speaker
It's actually there's actually a lot of opportunity for them to help out Just me and then they're usually pretty good at holding it for the person behind us or something like that I will share an example of this really quickly. I thought that this was pretty common courtesy right to hold a door for someone especially someone who's obviously struggling but I went to a new doctor's office recently and I got in and I brought my baby in in his car seat and
00:24:00
Speaker
And he was fussing, so I got him out and nursed him, and I had a toddler with me. And the medical technician or assistant or whatever came and opened the door for me to get into the back office. And yes, she did hold the door, but I was carrying one baby attached to me, a car skate in one hand, a diaper bag in another, and trying to grab my toddler with the other hand. And she didn't offer to help once. And this actually happened like two or three times, and I'm thinking,
00:24:24
Speaker
What's wrong with you people? Like how about can I grab a car seat for you? Can I hold your toddler's hand? You know something? Even if that makes you uncomfortable, how about let me grab the bag for you or something? I just remember thinking, why are they not teaching people how to be kind anymore, you know? Well, please, let's teach our children to, you know, help out anyone who's obviously struggling with their arms full to get them in some place.
00:24:50
Speaker
Yes, I really like to encourage, especially my sons, to hold doors for people. Right, right. So moving on, in this area of social manners, we're going to talk a little bit about sportsmanship and helping kids focus on skills instead
Sportsmanship & Empathy
00:25:04
Speaker
of competition. This is kind of a touchy subject sometimes because some parents are really into the competition. But for me personally, I'd much rather have my kid be polite about losing than a little stinker about it.
00:25:18
Speaker
Yeah, kids have to know the proper way to behave when they lose, even if it's a card game around the table, you know, and they're not the one that wins. And how is the winner supposed to respond and react? You know, victory dance around on top of the table is not appropriate.
00:25:35
Speaker
How's the kid that loses supposed to respond? Crying under the table curled up in a ball is also not an appropriate response. Side note, this is a huge one that can be taught by example. I will say something that I am a very sore loser and I've had to learn to be better over the years because my kids copy me and it's very embarrassing.
00:25:59
Speaker
Yes. So teaching them just that it's not about who wins or loses, but it's about having fun together and being together and doing something together. Right.
00:26:09
Speaker
Thank you cards or just in general saying thank you, how is the appropriate way for them to respond when they're given a gift or someone does something for them. I think a good old fashioned handwritten thank you note goes a long way, especially in our day and age when everything is becoming digital and online. Yes, exactly. And what a great way to teach your kids good handwriting too. Sit down, we're writing thank you notes to grandma.
00:26:34
Speaker
And it's a good opportunity to teach them how to address and envelop. Your address goes here and their address goes there. Yep. Okay, so moving on, just a quick thought about empathy. So some people might not consider this a manners thing, but I think it really is to acknowledge that someone is feeling badly. So I'll give an example. My kids were kind of crazy today and fighting with each other. And I feel that it's really important for them to stop.
00:26:59
Speaker
at the end of a disagreement, acknowledge that they may have hurt someone, to apologize sincerely, and then to just be aware of someone else's feelings above their own. Yeah, exactly. I'm teaching them to say, I'm sorry, it's good manners. And also, it makes it easier on them later in life to be able to apologize when you screw up. And that's one thing that we can and should teach by example. Right.
Religious & Basic Manners
00:27:27
Speaker
So in social manners, talking about church traditions or religious. So after our services, we go around the room and shake hands and say hello and speak to everybody. So that's kind of a little manners thing that the kids have to learn. And you know, other churches, other religions have different forms of interaction and communication and manners, things that they do. And it's always interesting to teach these little things to kids.
00:27:52
Speaker
Yeah, I love that. There's something just so refreshing about seeing a child come up to an adult, shake their hand, look them in the eye and say, hi, how are you today? I just love it. It's the cutest thing. You know, whether they're six or 16, it's just such a valuable life skill. And then they have to learn how to teach with their right or shake with their right or their left hand, you know, that kind of thing.
00:28:14
Speaker
And then finally in this area, sharing is a big thing. So I've tried to teach my kids to share, especially community property. So if it's something at the nursery at church or something that the family owns, then obviously we have to take turns with it.
00:28:30
Speaker
But I will bring something up in this, something kind of controversial. I remember several years ago when I was a young mom. So when I was a young mom, I always encouraged my kids to share no matter what. If somebody wanted the toy they had, I encouraged them to give it to them. And then I read an interesting article several years after that that said, wait a minute.
00:28:46
Speaker
If somebody owns something, is it really necessary for them to give it away if somebody wants it? And that was kind of an interesting thought to me. And so I've thought about that a lot. I've tried to teach respect for personal properties. So if Johnny is playing with a toy that's his and Susie comes over and wants that toy,
00:29:04
Speaker
I actually have to explain to Susie, actually that's Johnny's toy. If he wants to share, that would be great. So that's kind of a controversial thing. Some parents think that Johnny should always give the toy to the other kid, but I'm like, well, that's not really real life. You know, an adult's not going to say, oh, you want to borrow my car? Sure. Here you go. Sometimes, okay, it'd be really nice if you could share, but maybe not force him.
00:29:24
Speaker
Right. There are things that are appropriate to share, and there are things that are not appropriate to share. Like, I am not sharing my toothbrush with you, kid, no matter what. Good point. This also reminds me of a Studio C. We'll have to link it in the show notes about kids and sharing at a daycare. It's super hilarious. And my kids, it's a good opportunity to kind of laugh at the bad manners of others and talk about maybe a little more appropriate sharing. I wish I'd seen that. I'll have to watch it.
00:29:54
Speaker
Okay, now moving on to our third area that we're gonna talk about manners in. And these are just general manners that you can take into any situation anywhere in life.
00:30:03
Speaker
Yeah, things like, please and thank you, which we mentioned at the table. Excuse me. Oh my goodness. I cannot stand it when my kid burps or does something disgusting and doesn't say excuse me. My two-year-old has been trained that it's funny to say, I farted. Trained simply because everybody laughs at her when she says it. Well, it's adorable. Let's be honest.
00:30:29
Speaker
A fun side note is when we were growing up, if somebody passed gas, we just ignored it. Like we were like, oh, are we my giggle or something, move on. In my husband's family, they said, excuse me. And I thought that was really quite hilarious when I met him and I was like, you guys actually acknowledge it? But I think that's the polite thing to do. Yes, that just happened. Excuse me. Yeah. And then things like may I or pardon me, et cetera. I love those words.
00:30:57
Speaker
I have kids that are more inclined to pick up and use words that, you know, these manners words than others. And then I have others that every time they ask for something, you have to remind them to say may I, or please, or anyway, just interesting side note about kids.
00:31:14
Speaker
And speaking of farting, we're moving on to bathroom words and talk. There are, if you have boys, you have bathroom words. Actually, if you have kids, you have bathroom words. They think it's funny. My sister with her boy finally resorted to saying, if you want to say bathroom words, you need to be in the bathroom. So he would go in the bathroom and he would shout at the top of his lungs. Poop! Poop!
00:31:47
Speaker
A side note about this too, I'll mention is sometimes my kids love to talk about private parts and giggle and laugh and laugh and laugh, right? So I don't want to shame them for talking about anatomy. You know, I want them to use the right words for things, but I try to kind of, you know, calm them down and say, actually, if you need to talk about those parts, come talk about them, but we're not going to giggle and make fun of them, you know, so they're not joking about, you know, private parts.
00:32:11
Speaker
I know boys have about a hundred different ways to refer to their private parts and they just get like they just have this contest to see who can say the funnier word or something. I don't know. Yeah, that's gross. But yeah, I think there's an important distinction. Like we're not going to, you know, don't tell them it's a bad word because it's not a bad word. It's just not appropriate to be screaming out on the street.
00:32:32
Speaker
Right. If you're with your buddies in the locker room, say whatever you want, but you know, when you're around a lady, when you're around a lady, then speak respectfully. Exactly.
00:32:43
Speaker
Yeah, so moving on to personal hygiene is kind of related to that. So coughing, sneezing, picking your nose. You can have all kinds of rules regarding these. I personally make sure that my kids are saying, excuse me when they cough or sneeze, that they're covering their mouth, and that if they need to take care of something like picking a nose, that they do it somewhere. I can't see it or with a tissue.
00:33:08
Speaker
Moving on to cleaning up messes, cleaning up after yourself. So we talked about table manners, about clearing your plate. But then, you know, when you're done playing with toys, clean them up. Or if you're at someone's house before you just hop off and go in the car.
00:33:24
Speaker
clean it up. We're not going to leave a cyclone area in our friend's toy room that they have to clean up after we leave or they're never going to want us to come back. Right. Exactly. I love that the Boy Scouts have the motto, leave no trace when they go camping or go spend time out in the wilderness. And I try to teach my kids the same thing. When we come to somebody's house, did you leave a trace? Could they tell that you came in here and made a gigantic mess and then took off? Yeah, not okay.
Family Dynamics & Respect
00:33:53
Speaker
And then finally, in this area of general manners, there's the eye rolling or the general disrespect that sometimes we see come out of those older kids. And this is a tricky one because I found myself picking my battles. You know, sometimes I have kids roll their eyes and I'm like, I'm not going to choose that one today because I'm kind of preserving my relationship. But in general, our kids need to know how to behave when they disagree, especially with an authority figure, because if they do that kind of garbage at their first job, they're not going to have a job for very long.
00:34:24
Speaker
Right. Right. And like we've talked about in the past, I think it was in our episode on tantrums. We're the safe person for our kid to act out on, but at the same time, it's our responsibility to help them learn the proper way to interact and to be respectful to other people. Right. Right. All right. So our fourth portion of this episode is family manners. The manners that we do with the people we love the most sometimes are the worst manners.
00:34:49
Speaker
Oh, yeah, exactly. But this is an area where we can help our kids work on ways where they will be pleasing to other people and just in general, attractive, friendly people that other people want to be around. So posture and how you present yourself. You know, you slouch into a room or you come in with your shoulders back and your head up and just, you know, the way you present yourself is it's kind of a manners thing.
00:35:18
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It shows confidence, right? Sibling interactions fall under this as well. And this is probably most moms number one complaint about manners or peacemaking in the home is how kids treat each other. And it's really, really difficult. I find myself every single day trying to figure out how to get my kids to be kind to each other. And then also respecting each other's property, you know?
00:35:40
Speaker
if there's a rule that the brothers don't go into the sister's room or something, if somebody goes in and destroys something, is there a consequence for it, et cetera. So I don't pretend to have all the answers for this, but it's definitely something that needs to be addressed because I actually know quite a few adults who've held on to some deep-seated grudges because their siblings were allowed to really mistreat them and that's not okay in my house.
00:36:04
Speaker
Right, exactly. I know we have a whole episode planned on sibling rivalry because we have gotten many requests to discuss that topic. Yeah.
00:36:14
Speaker
Another family manner thing is when we're all around, sitting around the table, we have to be conscious of loud and quiet voices. So if we're all trying to talk over each other at the same time, this is kind of like interrupting. But if all 11 of us go somewhere and we're all very loud, we're not going to leave or make a very good impression. So just even volume.
00:36:41
Speaker
They're thinking, why did a herd of elephants just come into our store?
00:36:45
Speaker
And how soon can we get them out of here? Yeah, I've also noticed and I will say this, I have one or two children that are especially bad at modulating voices and and they have a really hard time expressing themselves quietly. But I've noticed that when I get irritated and I yell back, duh, that's a bad example. But it's my first reaction. I want to go, I'm yelling. We talk about inside voices versus outside voices. Yeah. Yeah, I like that.
Punctuality & Technology Use
00:37:14
Speaker
Okay, so then next portion of the family manners is cell phone etiquette. So if they can learn this appropriately at home, then they can be light years ahead of all their peers who are rude on their phones everywhere, right? Yeah. I actually recently read something, shoot, I wish I had a source, but
00:37:32
Speaker
It was basically talking about how children need your one-on-one attention when they're telling you something and that even if your cell phone is out on your lap but you're not looking at it, even if it's off but it's out and visible, that people feel less heard. They feel more ignored if a phone is like within reach. Isn't that interesting?
00:37:50
Speaker
They know you can pick it up at any second and ignore them. So that's very sad. Yeah, I definitely feel that way. And so we have teenagers with cell phones and sometimes we'll all be sitting around in the same room and everybody's on their phone and looking at it and we're not really interacting, we're just being together and that's okay. But then sometimes we're having a family discussion and everybody needs to put their phone down or away and be respectful of that family discussion time. Right. I remember hearing someone say that their family rule was
00:38:20
Speaker
when they're eating or eating out, because especially at a restaurant, people will bring their phones. They put all their phones face down in the center of the table. And the first one, this is for adult children, but the first one to pick up their phone pays the bill.
00:38:43
Speaker
Okay, moving on to introducing your family to others. So this has kind of been something tricky to figure out. Like when we go somewhere, it's going to take like 10 minutes if we take time to introduce each kid.
00:38:55
Speaker
do we introduce ourselves as a family unit or do we just say, and these are our kids or do we introduce each kid or do we go in depth? It usually depends on how much interest the person has in the family and also how close they are to the family. If they want to know everybody's names or if they just want to say, hi, nice to meet you family and move on. Right, right. Yeah, that's a tricky one, especially with a big group.
00:39:20
Speaker
I do think it's important to teach kids, though, to introduce people that they're with, right? And that's a good thing to role play at home. Like, okay, you're, you're coming to a new place, you have a friend, they've never met your sibling or your other friend, you say, Hey, Sarah, this is my friend, Julie, nice to meet you, Julie. Okay, etc. Just to form those habits on early on.
00:39:40
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. And then finally, a quick word on being on time. So this is also a big one that is taught by example. I know if you're anything like me, you struggle with this, especially with little kids around. But one thing that has worked for me and that I've tried to teach my children is that when we have a place to be at a certain time, so let's say we have to be somewhere at one o'clock,
00:40:01
Speaker
We work backwards in our minds and decide how much time or how early we have to leave. So for example, we have to be at the orthodontist at one. It takes us at least 15 minutes to drive there, sometimes 20, that's 1240. And then I always add on a five to 10 minute buffer. I also often forget to add on time to load up. And with small children, that always takes at least five minutes. So that means we're leaving at least 1230. Whereas in a previous life, I'd go, oh, 1245, we're fine. And then I'm 10 minutes late every time.
00:40:32
Speaker
Oh, this is something we're working on too. Somebody told us that for each kid, you have to add five minutes to that buffer. We're leaving an hour early. I don't know. Yeah. But one thing that helps is if everybody's aware of the time that we need to leave. And then I've noticed that the kids that around the seven to 10 age that it's old technology, but to get them a wristwatch and then they love to figure out what time it is and help keep everybody on time.
00:41:01
Speaker
And then also you can make one person in the family the timekeeper, so they announce the time every 10 minutes. It's 6 45. That means it's 10 minutes till we leave. It's 6 50. That means it's five minutes till we leave to help keep everybody on time. But totally, this is one that we are so, so struggling with to get everybody. My husband has an expression. He says it's like herding cats.
00:41:27
Speaker
to get everybody headed in the same direction at the same time is such a struggle. But it is rude and bad manners to other people to always be late. Right. And I will say that
00:41:39
Speaker
A big tip for the kids that tend to get really invested in something they're doing, when you know it's going to be time to leave soon, is I always give at least two warnings for those kids. As I'll say, hey, guys, look at the time. In 10 minutes, we're going to need to load up. And then five minutes later, we only have five minutes. So I mean, they might still throw a hissy fit when it's time to put the book down and come. But at least they've been worn twice instead of just bringing it on them out of nowhere. Yes, absolutely. This helps our kids, too, to be mentally prepared to get ready to leave. Right.
00:42:09
Speaker
So, now we're moving on to recommendations.
Recommended Resources on Manners
00:42:12
Speaker
If you are struggling with manners yourself, like you just weren't raised with manners or you don't know the proper way to set a table or anything that you want to know about manners, I would suggest getting Emily Post's book on etiquette. It's huge, it's comprehensive, but if I use it, I didn't read it from cover to cover, although I think one of my kids did actually read it cover to cover.
00:42:37
Speaker
Then kind of used it, you know, to hit me over the head. Hey, mom, you're not doing this right. Yeah, exactly. Etiquette police. But anyway, if you don't know, just educate yourself. And that's a kind of a fun resource to have and look up. Hey, how do we set a table when we're having salad or whatever? Oh, I think I need to get that.
00:43:00
Speaker
And then I will just share a really simple book to give little kids, that's a fun one to read with little kids, is the Berenstain Bears have a manners book. It's called Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners. And that's a really fun one to read because of course the kids realize, dad's foot is on the table, that's rude. Or brother bears dropped his fork or whatever the things are, I can't remember, but that's a really fun one to share with the little kids and they can really easily point out what the bears did wrong. So we'll link to both of those below.
00:43:29
Speaker
Sometimes using what not to do is a fun way to teach what to do. Right, right. The kids love that. Well, to wrap up today's post, we just want to say that if you're working on kids and their manners, just know that you're not alone because Bonnie and I are out here, each with nine kids trying to not beat, but work some good manners into them too. That's right. You're not alone for sure.
00:43:57
Speaker
Thanks so much for tuning in. If you've enjoyed this episode, we'd be so grateful if you'd leave us a written review on iTunes. If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at OutnumberThePodcast at gmail.com and find us on Instagram at OutnumberThePodcast. See you next week.
00:44:19
Speaker
And then finally, our fourth section is on family manners. So wasn't that a TV show in the nineties? Family matters. Family matters. Okay. You can cut that part out. Let me start that over. I don't know what's wrong with me today. Okay.