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A Very Statham Christmas (Bonus Episode)
37 Plays1 month ago
After a year of storytelling, your throat is probably getting parched. Time to sip some nog, invite some friends to join you, and let a hungry giant take you to the magical world of Cleveland.
Play Jason Statham's Big Vacation here: https://gshowitt.itch.io/jason-stathams-big-vacation
Meet the cast:
Statham Master - Zach Meikle (IG: @zachabee)
Thomas the Tour Guide - Prima Zhao (IG: @primbdraws)
Kimberly Rae Olsen - Shannon Meikle (IG: @sharsharbinks)
Litt Agator - Jordan Johnsen (IG: @jordan_johnsen)
Camilla Ivanoff - Laura Rowed
Grant the Junior Agent - Josh Hutton
Editing by Zach Meikle
Follow the show:
Instagram @bard_soup
TikTok: @bard_soup
Music & Ambience
Music: Christmas Theme 1 by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Anthem of the United Sloths by Alexander Nakarda (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Chopin - Ballade No. 3 in A-flat major - Op. 47 - Arranged by GregorQuendel from Pixabay
Music: Banshee's Lair by Tim Roven (www.tabletopaudio.com)
Music: Apocalypse Blues by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Chase by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Around The Globe by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Sound Effect: Woman Scream and Glass Breaking by Scottish Guy from Pixabay
Sound Effect: Telephone - Call - Dial - Fast by Shiden Beats Music from Pixabay
Additional sounds provided by Pixabay
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Christmas Special and RPG Setup
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everyone, Zach here with a rare top of the episode greeting. Hello, hope you're doing well. Just wanted to let you know that this episode is different than anything else we've done. We are not playing D and&D, we are doing a special Christmas one shot coming out in the near years where we played Jason Statham's Big Vacation. It is a Grant Howitt single page RPG.
00:00:20
Speaker
You might know him from Crash Pandas or Honey Heist or any of the other dozens of really cool simple games he's made. It's a super simple system where our players try and protect Jason Statham while he's on vacation. It's rowdy, it's fun, we hope you enjoy it. We're also joined by a couple guests this episode, which is our first time doing that. You'll probably notice the sound quality is not as great as it usually is, but the storytelling is arguably better than ever.
Christmas Spirit and Jason's Holiday Threatened
00:00:45
Speaker
So without further ado, we present a very Statham Christmas.
00:00:56
Speaker
Tallamy Henkel's voice drifted off. It felt as if he'd been talking for a year, and yet the story was barely underway. His gaze wandered over to a window, and he saw snow falling gently amongst the surrounding trees of Clarb's hut.
00:01:16
Speaker
Tallamy Henkel let out a dramatic sigh, What's the matter? Don't let me hit you? Ask clap the giant. Oh, nothing. Oh, really? We're friends. You can tell me. Friends? You're planning on eating me. True. But that doesn't mean I'm not a good listener. Very well. It's just that it's Christmas and I have nowhere to go and I'm simply not in the Christmas spirit.
00:01:48
Speaker
It sounds like you need a present. A present like letting me go, perhaps? No, I've got something much better. Ptolemy Henkel doubted that very much. I doubt that very much. No, really. I made it for you myself. Wait, what? The whole time I've known you, you've been chopping vegetables. When did you have time to make a gift? I made you a story.
00:02:17
Speaker
You've been telling me this nice story for so long I thought I'd tell you one I wrote myself. Okay. It's about a carpenter. From a little town called Bethlehem. And his name was... Jason Statham. What?
00:03:17
Speaker
It's super time.
00:03:22
Speaker
Jason Statham, international movie star, is on his holidays. But his own impulsive nature and the intentions of his rival, the Wesley Sniper, could ruin everything. It's up to you, a skilled team of operatives, paid for by his management, to ensure that he has a great time.
Meet the Operatives: Team Dynamics
00:03:42
Speaker
Welcome to a holiday jingle jangle jolly good time of a Christmas episode.
00:03:54
Speaker
The sun rises. on the gray streets of Los Angeles, California. The hustle and bustle begins. A flash mob starts performing another day of sun on the freeway, causing hours of traffic backups. It is a vibrant time. Santas along the Hollywood Boulevard fight for tourist dollars, but it all is not well in Tinseltown.
00:04:22
Speaker
For Jason Statham, beloved movie star, And action hero is feeling a little blue this holiday season. His apartment is dark, the lights are off, the curtains are up at the ceiling, thinking of his days as the transporter and the transporter too. I don't feel very good.
00:04:56
Speaker
I'm afraid something bad might happen. Just then, his phone rings. He thinks about not answering because of depression. But he does, and it's his agent, and they have a very quick back and forth, and the agent quickly groans, uh-oh, Jason's depressed.
00:05:14
Speaker
Smashkites, the five of you have been summoned to the offices of Jason Statham's agent, and Jason Statham's agent, a nondescript individual of whatever physical characteristics you prefer this holiday season, says to you, all right, listen up then, you skanks. It's the holidays and Jason Statham's not feeling so good. He's gonna go on a little vacation to get his head on straight. He's going to Cleveland.
00:05:41
Speaker
The five of you have to follow him around, make sure he has a good time, stays out of jail, and finds his Christmas spirit. I know you have families, people that you probably want to see, but this December 25th, you will be in beautiful Cleveland, Ohio, or you won't be working on this team anymore. Am I clear?
00:06:05
Speaker
Perfect.
00:06:08
Speaker
Nods are very good for an audio medium. so yeah i Now, because I'm a bad employer, I've forgotten your names and what you look like and kind of what you do on this team. So I'm just looking at boarding passes here. And Prima, who do you play?
00:06:27
Speaker
I play Thomas the tour guide. He's like in his forties, graying brown hair. He's wearing a bright t-shirt that says Cleveland on it. And he's holding a stick with a flag at the top. Perfect. I'm glad we brought you on on spec. It really turned out okay that Jason wanted to go to Cleveland this holiday season.
00:06:50
Speaker
Thomas, you gotta make sure he sees all the best sights, smells all the best smells, hears the best sounds. You got it. All right. And you, the one with the white on her hands, or maybe his hands. My eyes aren't so good.
00:07:07
Speaker
Yes, hello. Sorry, I'll just wipe that off. I'm Kimberly Rae Olson. You don't know my name because you hired me this morning actually, so that makes sense. I was told that Mr. Statham would be going on holiday and that I should make sure that like he's protected from the elements. There was a really, really strong emphasis on sunscreen. I did not know we were going to Cleveland.
00:07:28
Speaker
ah Um, I don't know about the UV index there. Can't imagine it's terribly high, but I have mineral and chemical options. So don't worry, sir. Not a speck of sun is going to touch his beautiful shiny head. Oh, and also, uh, Kimberly Ray Olson is played by me, Shannon, and she's just like a normal lady. Just like whatever that means to you. Just generic human woman. Right.
00:07:53
Speaker
And you, the one played by Jordan, because I'm remembering now that was the
Adventures in Cleveland: Chaos Ensues
00:07:57
Speaker
the convention that we began this this little spot with. Jordan. ah Lit is walking around handing out business cards to each of the other party members going, Lit, Agatore, nice to meet you. Lit, Agatore, nice to meet you. Lit, Agatore, nice to meet you. Lit, Agatore, nice to meet you. Remember.
00:08:17
Speaker
Whether it's Cleveland or L.A. or Hawaii, you're going to need a lawyer. All right. So I'm going to be ready and present whenever you need me because life can be fickle. All right. But call Lit Agatore to get you out of a pickle. Who are you talking to? You have the job. Hey, I'm not their lawyers. That's fair. This guy's great. Kept me out of a little trouble in Aruba if you know what I mean. Sorry, you can practice in three states and Aruba? I can practice anywhere I want. All right.
00:08:42
Speaker
Like I'll pass boards for different countries as well. Whatever you need. That's the best. After I killed that guy in Aruba. no Remember, we'll be back. Allegedly. After I was wrongfully accused of killing that man in Aruba, let did me a solid, kept me out on the streets, and I live to kill again. Allegedly. Allegedly live.
00:09:05
Speaker
but A fly lands on his eyeball. He doesn't swat it away. And what's this? Oh, you and Hope? You were expecting three people? Well, guess what, Bucko? It's a Christmas miracle. And we got two more people on this crack team. Josh, welcome to the show. Who the hell do you play? Thank you. Thank you. I am Grant, and I guess you are the head agent. However, I feel like maybe I'm a junior agent, and I'm going to help you I'm gonna be your your your man on the ground, you know, taking care of Jason during his nice holiday while you can focus on bigger and better things. That's right. Remember, keyword is junior. Don't get too big for your britches. I will not, sir. is it a c sir are we Is this like a sir relationship? Do I have to call you sir? Or is it mister or? I'm whatever you want me to be. That's the beauty of not really describing this character.
00:09:58
Speaker
perfect And last of all, we're joined by, ah who's who's this? Laura, welcome to the show. How how' is it going? ah You know, it's going great. Glad to be here. I am Camila Ivanoff. I am a private security guard. I am wearing like all black constantly. She's never in anything other than black and too many buckles that don't seem to do anything. Amazing. But i I look at that card that I've just been handed, like I will be using it within the next several hours.
00:10:26
Speaker
Very good. So you've got your assignments. You know what to do. And just remember, this is the most important thing. And we smash cut to the airport in Cleveland. The sliding doors swing open. Jason Statham with a roller piece of luggage walks his way out of the airport terminal and flags down a taxi. And the taxi says,
00:10:53
Speaker
Hello, sir. Where are you going today? As they say in Cleveland and Jason Statham says, Oh, well, I heard there's a gala opening on the other side of town. I'd like to check it out. And he says, All right. And peels off, leaving the five of you at the airport terminal. You hurriedly flagged down transportation of your own. And oh what's this? Jason Statham movie? We smash cut.
00:11:21
Speaker
to this early Cleveland morning gala opening. The door is kicked open, Jason Statham morosely walks in, says, what's this then? Artwork, it would seem very nice. um Mr. Statham, sir? Mr. Statham? Hear you.
00:11:41
Speaker
I'm Kimberly Olsen. I'm your new personal assistant and I just wanted to check in on ah your opinion on hats today because there's a lot of windows in this room and it is a balmy eight degrees outside. So I got baseball options for you. I have kind of a fedora thing.
00:12:01
Speaker
Roll for SPF 50. What was your ability called? My ability is called Dermatologist Approved. Perfect. Roll for Dermatologist Approved. Your goal is to roll under your stat and also roll a d6.
00:12:16
Speaker
Okay, I am an eight in sunscreen, I am an eight in snacks, and I am a six in a bag with lots of pockets because I have slightly too many snacks. So I roll, I believe, a D, just a D12? And a D6. And a D6, a D12 and a D6, okay. And I will tell you what my results are.
00:12:37
Speaker
I don't know if this is good, but it's interesting. I rolled a 12 on the D12 and a six on the D6. Well, on a 12, the action goes very badly. So Jason Statham says, oh, thank you. Must have you on the team, love. And he takes the hat and says, ah.
00:12:55
Speaker
bit small. And he goes to hang it on a nearby coat rack. But unfortunately, there is no coat rack. It is just the statue of David. And he hangs it off of the statue of David's tiny little penis. And uh-oh, the statue begins to crack and just comes crashing down around him and Jason says, ah, well, that's no good then. Maybe my therapist was right. I'm better off dead. That sounds dangerous. And he pulls out his phone and says, that's all right. I'll just transfer Gallo.
00:13:22
Speaker
No, no, no. Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason. I'll just trust him. No, this was not your fault. You weren't even here. Remember, we've got aisle advice for everything. Oh. Just walk away. Okay. Grant, was it? This was you. Yes, sir. I'll take the blame on this one. I'm just going to make sure, you know, I want to make sure that you protect it at all costs. I think the lawyer's doing a good job. Just remember this in later years, potentially. Was that a threat? Sorry, what?
00:13:46
Speaker
the Gala Curator, you can tell this but white blue color, boy, whichever color it is, whatever, my color, hey, your colors are white, others are blue, mine's gray with dirt from a hard day's work. That's blue color in the suit. No, if they were true blue color, it would be gray, or maybe black, because it gets dirty on the floor of the auto body shop. Anyway. Whether you're white color or blue color, just remember, I'm the only one who actually works.
00:14:18
Speaker
All that is to say, Jason Statham is getting ready to walk around this gala. Apparently there's artwork at this gala, including the statue of David, no longer present, but the gala curator, this woman in a ah very fashionable neon pink pantsuit comes over and says, hi, sorry to be a bother, but that thing was worth, I think, seven, eight million dollars. So we're going to need compensation for that.
00:14:47
Speaker
I can step in here, I think as well. Let me just see if I can call. You know what? Actually, let's just give it to the lawyer. I think maybe he can handle this. Look, it's fine. that it's It happens. but we accept We accept most payments. We accept Bitcoin. Man, it's crazy. I did not have a cough before coming in here. Now there's all this dust in the air. Jason, it's weird. He's had a little bit of a tickle too. I hope it's not something that becomes chronic. We don't want to have to have a a bigger lawsuit on our hands here for or endangering the patrons of this gala with all this dust from this rickety old statue. So I mean, sure, we could look at settling this in court, but I think it's better that we avoid any litigation. Okay, that sounds like a spin doctor type beat. So have you roll a d12, you need to roll a seven or less.
00:15:41
Speaker
I got a two. Nice. And a d6? D6 roll? And a d6. Plus three, five. Okay. Not additive, but if the d6 and the d12 match, Jason Statham does something unpredictable. Oh. She says, okay. So we don't want a lawsuit. That's fine. Yeah. Okay. Would he like just pose for a photo or something? We'll call it even. Oh, by all means. Perfect. Okay. Great.
00:16:09
Speaker
Actually, that's probably best to run by his agent. I don't know how much that might be worth. No, I think i think Jason loves getting photos. He used to be a model himself, you know. he's He's done a lot of modeling things. He's been in quite a few music videos himself. I'm sure this wouldn't be an issue for him. Statham lore. So come on over here. Let's go meet Jason. Jason Statham is looking at the Mona Lisa and looking very bored. He turns at the sound of your approach. What's this then?
00:16:37
Speaker
It seems like we have a fan over here. She just wants a quick little photo, you know? It's gonna be great for her visuals, you know? it's goingnna this I'm sure this is gonna explode all over true social, so let's just let let's get you on. Get this picture going if that if you don't mind, sir.
Emotional Battles and Self-Reflective Moments
00:16:52
Speaker
Yeah, that's fine. Let's do a selfie. And he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone, and as he does, his expression drops, and You all simultaneously, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Start getting alerts on your phone.
00:17:11
Speaker
And, uh-oh, it seems like the Wesley Sniper pulled a bit of a Dark Knight Rises type beat and pulled a heist on the Cleveland Stock Exchange. And the stock market is in freefall. Wesley Sniper has ruined the stock market. Jason Statham's holdings, which were mostly in Hawk Tua coin, have plummeted in an instant. He starts to pace around. I will assist them with my money. I put all my money in Hawk Tua. What am I going to do? I won't be able to fly home.
00:17:42
Speaker
What's he gonna do, uh? I call some people. Somebody comfort this man. Well, maybe we could ah go see something nice in Cleveland. You know, somewhere insulated from the sun. Indoor. Christmasy. You don't need money to have a nice Christmas. Theoretically.
00:18:02
Speaker
If only someone here had opinions on places in Cleveland, we could go. Yeah, I mean, Cleveland's been known as the City of Lights. So, you know, there's there's lots of Christmas lights out if you wanted to take a stroll and enjoy the festivities. That sounds nice. at Mr. Statham, you want to go look at some lights? Prima, roll a follow me.
00:18:29
Speaker
check okay so i'm rolling two dice just d12 and a d6 trying to roll a six or less i got a one on the d12 and i got a four on the d6 jason statham looking like a sad puppy starts to perk up a little bit and says that could be nice what are we gonna do about the stock market though well i think camilla has a gun so maybe she can go you know so In the background, while this has been going on, can Camilla have like done like a secret agent role through the dust of the David to screw up his now, I assume, fallen in member? Oh no! And just give it like a good old like toss into Jason's cargo pant pocket, whatever he's wearing.
00:19:17
Speaker
Yeah. This is going somewhere, I promise. I think I'm on, I think I'm on a wavelength. I don't know if it's your wavelength, but I'm grok in something. Yeah. Would you say this is a, these hands are weapons or more of a, these weapons are also weapons or neither? I think maybe this weapon is also a weapon. I think so. Yeah. You're using the statue of David's dismembered member as a, as a weapon. Roll it.
00:19:40
Speaker
Okay, well, that's ah that's a hot eight on my 12. Oh, that's just what you needed. And a four on my Statham dies. Yeah, it goes spinning through the air, dust spraying out in all directions, and lands squarely in the pocket of Jason Statham. Jason, you know what's not reliant on fickle stock markets? Art trading. I have a feeling you've got a good hand to play in that market. Anyway, the kid said there was lights. Lights. That sounds interesting. I've got a different idea. And he's going to jump out the nearest window and we smash cut to, that's right, a temple. I rolled a seven. Jason Statham says, I'm going to get robbed with gold. Whichever one that might be.
00:20:33
Speaker
Don't you just love what a a depressed man declares around the holiday season that he's got to get right with God? Oh, God. Love it. Okay, this is okay, guys. This is fine. I don't... You know, Camilla has the gun. Jason doesn't have the gun, so he he can't do anything right now. And I have some good snacks, and he's got that penis in his pocket, so things are gonna be fine.
00:20:57
Speaker
He, uh, quietly muttering to himself, says, just gotta get right with the father, and then everything will be okay.
Temple Mishap and Rescue Mission
00:21:05
Speaker
won't have to worry anymore. And he walks up the front stairs of this non-denominational temple, and uh-oh, a trap door opens. He gets to the top step and it swings open and he goes, oh, here we go again. And the he just drops out of sight, not leaving you standing by yourselves on the entrance to a non-denominational temple. Well, they'll be hearing about this.
00:21:31
Speaker
oh Bodyguard, I feel this is your purview. Can I throw the intern into the hole before it closes? I love these hands are weapons for me. Oh God. Okay. It's a four on my D12. It's also a four on my Statham dice. Perfect. So that means Jason Statham does something unpredictable. You grab, i by by the intern, we mean, I assume grant the agent. Yes. Yes. No, I mean the intern, but grant the agent will work too. Whoever's closest. Intern, intern, intern, wait.
00:22:02
Speaker
I got Grant. All right, you grab Grant. I don't really look, you know? Just grab somebody by the collar and in they go. You go flying, Grant, we'll say, sure. Through the air, like Indiana Jones reaching for his hat before it's sealed away forever, you go sliding and kind of get wedged in this trap door as it starts to close up, sort of pinching you at the waist. From beneath you, you hear, what's this? Fresh pair of shoes?
00:22:29
Speaker
Don't mind if I did. And you feel your feet just like pulled on one at a time. Jason Statham says, I'm far away at four at once, you'll be like, I'm my ancestors again. And he hops off into the dark, clocking away. But the trapdoor is wedged open. Wow. He likes my shoes.
00:22:50
Speaker
That's huge. Congrats, man. That's fantastic. I look at the group and I'm just kind of more excited that he liked something that I was wearing because he's also my hero and in a lot of ways. I'm just glad to be helping out, you know? So I think it's a win for all of us. I don't need the shoes. No, it's winter in Cleveland. Camilla is actively poking the trapdoor in a way to see if she can get it to like open up again. So I may accidentally squish Grant a little.
00:23:17
Speaker
I'm just imagining Grant like I'm gonna try like bouncing on it while I'm kind of half in it to try and see if I can wedge that door open a little bit more okay try bouncing on that thing go for it him give me just you know just a general d12 roll will be fine just a d12 okay just a what plus a d6 yeah I'm gonna stop mentioning the d6 at some point I rolled a one on the d12 and a six on the d6 Okay, little side note, there's some tracks we're following for Jason Statham, see how his day is going. I'm gonna say Breaking the Statue, it made him a little sad. He will gain too sad from Breaking the Statue.
00:23:57
Speaker
And you know, we'll say getting the shoes back or getting the shoes in general that will remove one sad cause he's really yeah pretty enthused about these these fresh kicks he's picked up. You bounce and the mechanism of the trapdoor jostles and jostles and then like a looney tune suddenly it opens up and you kind of run in place, socks akimbo, and then go sliding down into whatever Wicked lair the Wesley sniper is installed under the non-denominational temple The four of you are left standing on the stairs as you watch grant the agent the junior agents disappear
00:24:39
Speaker
All four of our heads just pop up looking down to something underneath there. As I'm sliding down this kind of ramp, I'm going to try and channel my inner Jason. Did you know that his mother was actually a tap dancer? so I'm going to try and be light on my feet like the Statham family ah tends to be, and I'm going to try and land as gracefully as I can at the bottom of that trapdoor.
00:25:01
Speaker
Would that be his biological mother or his mother Helen Mirren as portrayed in the Fast and Furious movies? I think both, actually. Both mothers. That's convenient. Both motherly figures, yes. The all-mother. Yeah, the all-mother. The four of you look up at the sign and realize it's not a non-denominational temple, it's the temple of the all-mother. How appropriate. Make a picture of Helen Mirren.
00:25:24
Speaker
and Jason Statham's biological mom. Everyone goes crazy for Helen and Jason's biological mom. Perfect. We'll just say you got it. yeah ah You gonna see it just yeah landed a perfect pirouette. I kind of look around to see to see if anyone's looking, but clearly I'm just kind of in the dark at this point and no one saw it and I'm a little sad about that myself.
00:25:49
Speaker
ter but understandable Your mother would be so proud. Actually, Jason Statham's mother would be so proud. Jason would be proud if he saw this and didn't run away. Maybe. It's got places to be.
00:26:01
Speaker
Okay, well, we're in this non-denominational temple of the All-Mother. That's good. And there's a Christmas pageant going on. So that's nice, which is a denominational holiday, but everybody
Facing Inner Demons and Evil Counterparts
00:26:12
Speaker
loves it. And Jason's in the pits, and the guy who isn't the intern is gone. But I like that instinct, Camilla. Is the pit still open? He, we'll say, broke the mechanism open when he bounced on it.
00:26:28
Speaker
I'm going to snap on my dark vision goggles from out of nowhere and twist them and then just hop straight in after the afterg grant. Oh, we're going to. OK, OK. All right. I lubricate the slide with a little bit of sunscreen and then slide down too. Perfect. Oh my God.
00:26:45
Speaker
Is there another route to take? You walk into the doors of the temple. You see a group of people clad in all white praying to a statue of a beautiful woman. And you see a sign that says stairs to the dungeon.
00:27:02
Speaker
Wander down and find yourself in the same room as the rest of the group goes. so she Yeah. Lit grabs their hand really and violently shakes it to make sure that he does't doesn't end up a victim of circumstance and then it goes out. Right. Roll for eye for detail. Ooh. Four. And on my other dice, a five. This place is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Yeah. I can tell. I mean, the trap door should have been the easiest clue.
00:27:36
Speaker
But this piece of 2x4 screwed to the wall does not feel like a proper hand, really. Right. I'm pretty sure the Superior Court of Cleveland did find that religious institutions were entitled to defend themselves with medieval technology, yeah like a freedom of religion type thing. Interesting. All right. So not only should I expect work that's done without permits, I should be expecting violent weaponry. Take it up with the Superior Court, baby. It wasn't my idea.
00:28:04
Speaker
And hey tour guide, you are left standing there with a sign and a crowd is starting to form around you. A young couple says, we just arrived in Cleveland. We're getting married today. Would you think you could show us around the city? We're also orphans.
00:28:19
Speaker
This is one of Cleveland's many non-dominational churches and temples, sorry, and they're all connected through an underground passage. So if you would just follow me and then I lead them into the dungeon down the stairs. Perfect.
00:28:37
Speaker
Yeah, this young orphaned married couple follows you down the stairs and you all gather in this dungeon. The space is dark, it is dingy, there's a few unlit torches on the walls, you see portcullises,
00:28:58
Speaker
held up by wheels and chains. You see a suit of armor. Why not? And you know what? Jason Statham is walking around, looking at everything, taking it all in. He says, this is probably what my life would have been if I'd been born in England instead of Australia. um Medieval?
00:29:22
Speaker
You said he British? I quickly pull out my notebook trying to scan all my facts about the Statham's and I'm like, how did I miss this? And then I pull out a pen and I start writing it down quickly. We're in Cleveland. We're not in...
00:29:38
Speaker
This is a clear one. And there's no Jason Statham was born in the United Kingdom. He's 57 years old. He's not Australian. He's Australian presenting. I think we can all agree. I think we can all I think we can all agree that man. I think he's famously British. I think he was famously British. If he was famously British, I think I would know if he was so famous. Is this a comedy thing or is Zach think he was Australian? Editor's note, honest to God thought that man was an Aussie through and through.
00:30:08
Speaker
It would have been so much funnier if it was intentional because that's so good. No. I did the bare minimum research on Jason Statham because I thought I am Jason Statham. Why would I need to know things about Jason Statham? I am am Jason Statham. I love it. Jason Statham says what he said. I won't be back.
00:30:33
Speaker
Like, even, like, isn't what's this thing? What's his den? That sounded like a British thing, Nada. You've been doing a British accent, Zach. You've been doing a British accent. I've been doing a Jason Statham accent, which we can all agree was a little Australian. It's British. What? It's British. All that has to say, you know, he walks through a door and it's decorated like the cabin in the woods basement. And he says, I would have gone cabin in the woods if it hadn't gone to my fellow Australian, Chris Hemsworth.
00:31:02
Speaker
I think my troubles began around 2013. Things ain't been the same since I missed out on Kevin in the woods. Would have been a real game changer for me. And he starts pawing through a bunch of cursed relics. There's a spooky doll, and a book, and uh...
00:31:17
Speaker
sorry i'm gonna have to step in jason as your legal advisor i'm gonna need you to stop touching things indiscriminately when we don't know where their origin is just give me give me a just a little little roll nine jason statham looks you dead in the eyes picks up a book, opens it, and Black Mist starts to pour out, oh swirling around the room, slowly filling it. You watch as the suit of armor in the other room springs to life and starts clanging towards you, Black Knight style.
00:31:48
Speaker
You see, I don't know. There's a couple of skeletons, probably. hey yeah Hey, we're playing D and&D after all, baby. There's a couple of skeletons rattled to life. And a ghost of, you know what? You know what? No. Editors note, take that back. Jason Statham looks in a mirror. He looks in a mirror. You're not scrapping at all. We're taking back the book. that He never even opens the book. Jason Statham, you know what he does? Jason Statham. You say, don't do that, bud. He pulls back a curtain on a big ornate mirror and he stares into it real hard and says, who are you?
00:32:18
Speaker
You're Jason Bloody Statham. And then, uh-oh, the mirror is the mirror of cursed Australians and evil Australian Jason Statham, he comes out and says, I'm Jason Statham and I've got a knife. And he's going to try and stab Jason Statham and Jason Statham will take three ticks on the old dead track. Can I attempt to extract him? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would like to tackle evil Jason Statham. Perfect. I have waited my life for this moment. Perfect. Okay. It's an 11 on the D12. Okay. So the good news is you take the knife, like you, you get down Mr. President style, jump in front of the assassin Australian Jason Statham. The bad news is the knife goes right through you and still hits Jason Statham. It's a very long knife.
00:33:09
Speaker
You are going to remove one point of stability. It becomes a point of adrenaline. And from now on, whenever you roll a d12, you will add your adrenaline to the stat and just say, then we'll take three ticks on the dead track. That's not an additional three. That was just the original three. They were an unmitigated.
00:33:28
Speaker
The couple behind Thomas the tour guide says, oh, this is lovely. Is that Jason Statham? Lit is going to walk up to those two people and hand them each a $100 bill and say, we were never here. and We were never here. Roll for Spin Doctor. God damn it at nine again.
00:33:48
Speaker
the couple is already got their phones out taking photos one of them says what up youtube today we're in this weird spooky sapphic temple and uh-oh Jason Statham just got stabbed by himself pretty crazy and yeah they're live streaming it and you know what Jason Statham's gonna take another point in sad, we'll call it. god He's up to too sad as he realizes people are seeing him get embarrassed by being stabbed. He says, I've got a contract where I'm supposed to get equal number of hits in with The Rock and Vin Diesel, but I never had a contract to get in an equal number of hits with myself. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. We can spin this, Jesus.
00:34:33
Speaker
but two Okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? Okay. We've had a little bit, we've had a little bit of a major wound to the abdomen. Camilla, you look fine. Mr. Statham, I have band-aids somewhere in this bag, I think, and your skin's looking a little dry. So I'm just going to slather on some sunscreen real quick. It's also a moisturizer and then we're going to Get out of this spooky sapphic temple and we're gonna go. And I point at Thomas the Tuber guide. We're gonna go. We're gonna leave. Is someone gonna fight this thing? Camilla's engaged in mortal combat. Camilla pulls the knife out of her own abdomen and is just engaging evil shapes and statham while the sunscreen application is happening. Perfect. Sounds like these weapons are also weapons.
00:35:26
Speaker
I imagine all of Camilla's action scenes are just like out of focus in the background. You can't get completely secondary to the plot. Am I gonna fucking die? That's 12. Oh, shit. You pull out a combat knife of your own. Or I guess you said you pulled it out of Jason. you pull out and I pulled it out of myself. Oh, out of you's right, out of yourself. and Because it was through me, you recall. Right, so you stand up pulling this blade free from Jason Statham than yourself.
00:35:55
Speaker
You whip around and you stab the evil Jason Statham right in the chest, only to realize this is the good British Jason Statham. No, no, no. He dies instantly. What? I whip out that bar card that I was given and call my lawyer. His name is lit real fast. I quickly run over. I quickly run over to Statham's body and I i i open up my fanny pack and i'm I'm searching through it as fast as I can and I pull out an adrenaline stick and I just stab him in the chest with it as fast as I can. Perfect. Yeah. Okay. This sounds like narcotics to me. One might say that, yes. I rolled a nine.
00:36:41
Speaker
Camilla, you feel stupid because this whole time Jason Statham had shoes on his hands, and it's only now as he's bleeding out in front of you that you realize, Grant, you rush over, give him a shot of epinephrine straight to the straight to the heart, but uh-oh, you stab a little too aggressively, and now he's got two stabs in his heart.
00:37:05
Speaker
And the original Jason Statham dies.
Operational Challenges and Humorous Strategies
00:37:09
Speaker
He's just dead. I don't know what to tell you. Leaving you with an Australian Jason Statham who claps his hand and says, well, I think we can all agree this is how it was always meant to be. This just feels right, doesn't it?
00:37:21
Speaker
Yeah, you want some snacks? Can I pick up the cursed book and open it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah you do. It immediately absorbs the souls of the young newlyweds, pulling them into the into the pages. No witnesses. There's a blank page. There's now an illustration of these two people screaming in eternal agony. And yeah, you have now have a cursed book in your possession. Cool.
00:37:49
Speaker
Can I use the book? Sure, to do what? I want to transfer a dead Jason's memories into the evil Australian Jason. Sure. This feels like local knowledge to me.
00:38:02
Speaker
so
00:38:05
Speaker
Local sorcery. Please roll for local knowledge. I got a three. Oh, hell yeah. And my Statham dice is a two. Australian Jason Statham grabs his head and starts to scream in Australian and he says, Oh, I remember my mom. She's Helen Mirren, but also another person. And also I was born in Melbourne. That part's not changing, I'm afraid.
00:38:32
Speaker
But wait, no, I was born in, maybe it is changing, I was born in Shirebrook, The Shire, New Zealand. I was born in New Zealand, that's right. Okay. but i'm Wait a minute, I'm horribly depressed. Okay. That's our man. There he is. Time to go see the rest of this fine city of Cleveland.
00:38:58
Speaker
Off to the dog races! And smash cuts! Jason Statham has a big Kentucky Derby style hat on now, and he is sitting in the pews, the stands perhaps, of the obviously the Cleveland racetrack. We all know it. It's no Kentucky Derby, but it is a Cleveland Derby. And dogs, dogs are a barkin' all over the damn place. And yeah, yeah, I don't know what to tell ya. It's simple as that. New Zealand, Jason Statham is now at the dog races. The five of you hop off of the horse-drawn carriage that you flagged down to follow in there and begin monitoring around. Okay, sorry guys. Camilla, you were great down there.
00:39:45
Speaker
Thomas, I really like how you brought those other people downstairs because Mr. Statham might have liked them. That was fun. Lit. Great work with the bribery. Grant, thanks so much for using your body to pry open the thing. That was really fantastic. You're absolutely welcome. Yeah, it was amazing. Really inspiring. I'm just noticing that we've done absolutely nothing to replenish Mr. Statham's holiday cheer. This is the new Mr. Statham. Old Mr. Statham, of course, is no longer with us.
00:40:10
Speaker
But New Mr. Statham is, frankly, still down in the dumps about Christmas. And I'm pretty sure the whole point of this whole thing is that we make him like Christmas again. So Camilla, I'm gonna need you to stop fucking around with knives and basements and get on the Christmas spirit grind. Okay, everybody? And Grant, you probably should get some shoes because it is snowing.
00:40:32
Speaker
I'll be right back. I'm going to go find the nearest Santa Claus impersonator and see if I can't deliver him to Mr. Statham. Perfect. Cleveland, famously a non-denominational town. You hop on a quick flight back to LA, scoop up a couple of these Santa impersonators from the Hollywood Boulevard, quickly jet back. Maybe New York would have been faster, but hey, stick with what you know. You're back in a quick... three, four hours. No big deal. Grant, you look over at Jason. He is pawing at a tub of popcorn with your shoes on his hand still. He gets kind of frustrated at at mashing it and takes the shoes off and flings them onto the racetrack where a couple of greyhounds immediately start pulling them apart and
00:41:12
Speaker
Camilla shows up with some Santa posses. You watch, I guess, we'll we'll elaborate upon that just to set the stage a little bit more. you ah You watch as Jason reaches into the popcorn bucket now with his freely liberated fingers and pulls out a couple pieces and he kind of reaches into his, like he opens up his jacket and just like puts his hand in before taking it out. No popcorn, interesting. And then you see he just keeps like shoveling popcorn inside of his jacket, just like a couple pieces at a time.
00:41:41
Speaker
Quickly, I look at my shoes getting ripped at the shreds. I really like those shoes, but that's fine. You spent your first paycheck on those shoes. I did. They were theyre very nice shoes, but then I quickly snap out of it and I look back at Mr. Statham and i I ask him how much popcorn he's had to eat already because it looks like he's been just demolishing everything in sight. Good day, mate. Good to see you. So, Crikey.
00:42:08
Speaker
You ain't gonna believe this. I forgot that I brought my prize parakeets with me on the flight. Now probably wasn't supposed to, but I did. And he pulls back his coat, revealing about a half dozen small birds just sort of flapping around inside of his jacket.
00:42:27
Speaker
Well, that that totally makes sense to me because thinking back on his his family history, you know, they they started off in a nice farm, this especially New Zealand, Jason Statham. Sorry, Kiwi, Jason Statham. They had a whole parrot farm, actually, so it makes sense. I totally understand right away. I connect with them. Yeah, yeah.
00:42:48
Speaker
he He appreciates you. He's had a bit of a tough day. People have been a little mean to him. He maybe got stabbed. He keeps like massaging his chest absentmindedly, looking very confused. His past life intermingles with his new one. And he says,
00:43:05
Speaker
You got a good face, lad. I think you could be an actor one day if you really tried. yeah I quickly, my eyes start gleaming and and i this is the best news I've heard all day and I quickly turn away and a single tear starts coming down my face but then I try and man up because Jason Statham himself I know does not cry and I did not want him to see this but I i do a bit of a bad job I think and I turn back around and you can see that my eyes are quite puffy at this point.
00:43:35
Speaker
We watch this single tear roll down your cheek, hover on the edge of your of your face before tumbling off, rolling through the sky, falling down, down, down, before it lands on the head of a police officer. And you realize this is no mere police officer. This is border security. And he starts looking around, looks up, and you see in his hand, he has a wanted poster that says, Jason Statham,
00:44:04
Speaker
wanted for transporting rare birds. And I know I said parakeet, and I won't apologize for it. I don't know how many parakeets you've seen today, but in my book, that's a rare bird. They're Cleveland's national bird. It's common in Cleveland.
00:44:21
Speaker
National bird? It's their national bird, I said what I said. I said what I said? It's the great nation of Cleveland. They stutter? Yeah.
00:44:35
Speaker
Amazing. Yeah. So I think quickly, of the six of you, that would be the five of you plus the Santa impersonator. I said there was two, the seven of you quickly Gronk what's happening as you see various border security agents moving through the stands, sort of looking around for one Jason Statham. Can I rob one of the Santas of one of their bags and start just bagging security TSA agents? It's a real Santa bag, yes.
00:45:04
Speaker
Yeah. This sounds like extraction to me. Oh, hell yeah. Okay. It's a one on my state them dice and seven on my 12. So do I need a six or is it an eight? Oh God.
00:45:16
Speaker
Oh, and I'm also adrenaline, so it's an eight for me. Oh, damn. You start sneaking through the stands. You grab one of these Santa's toy bags and start slinking through the stands and you lift up a bag and your plan is to just put it over this TSA agent, border security guard's head, bag them up. And suddenly your body like tenses up as 15,000 volts of Taser just go coursing through you as his other border security man tases you.
00:45:46
Speaker
ah You know. You can give me the second point. I'd say that might be another point of adrenaline for you. You're at one stability, two adrenaline. If your stability hits zero, of course you die or go mad. I look like excessive force to me, and that is also my client, so I will be seeing you in court. Perfect, perfect spin doctor. Save me, Lit.
00:46:11
Speaker
Yeah, it's seven. Seven's what you needed. Hey. He, he being lit, Agatore, walks up, quickly utters this threat to the security individual holding a taser and they say, ah I'm deeply sorry.
00:46:32
Speaker
No, you will be and all of your accomplices too. I'm, I'm, I recently moved here. I don't know what this, I started British, but now it's Texas. All right. We're settling in on Texas. All right. I'm deeply sorry. Mighty apologetic. But you see this individual here was trying to put a bag upon my teammate's head and we're looking for an individual ah by the name of Jason Statham. Never heard of him. He's British. I've been told. And, uh,
00:47:01
Speaker
full of malicious birds they carry a rare strain of avian flu you see that's what makes this so rare this sounds oddly like a bunch of hearsay say
00:47:13
Speaker
Give me some Lawlord. Shit, 12. He tases you as well. so You will take a point lose a point of stability and shift that to your adrenaline and they just walk away, they tear the bag up and walk away leaving the two of you just convulsing on the ground. Oh no.
00:47:36
Speaker
You look around, maybe thinking, hey, time to get Jason out of here, only to see he is currently he is currently on the racetrack and he's trying to carefully place his six parakeets. You know those little starting gates where the dogs start? I know you all go to the dog races. He's carefully lining up his six parakeets in one of these cells. Just start putting them on the on the gate and they keep trying to fly away and he keeps snatching them and putting them back down. He's doing some Jason Statham stuff. In full sun, I assume. Oh, yeah. Full midday, December Cleveland sun is he's starting to look a little pink, actually.
00:48:13
Speaker
oh Literally, Ray Olsen vaults over the twitching bodies of her two colleagues, throws herself onto the track, runs counter current to the Greyhounds. At one point, I do a barrel roll and let one of the dogs jump over me, and I emerge in front of Mr. Statham, and I put my hands, which already are pre-lubed with sunscreen, on his face and grab his face, and I say, Evil Mr. Statham, sir. Kiwi, Mr. Statham, sir.
00:48:42
Speaker
What are you running from? It's Christmas! Stop! Look around! It's Cleveland! Christmas time in Cleveland! Be happy! And I start massaging the sunscreen all around his face and into the top of his head, as we know is an extension of his face. Roll for sunscreen. Place for dermatologist approved. Yes. Okay, that's a seven on my dermatology dice. And if I'm not mistaken, that is a success.
00:49:12
Speaker
and Make sure you get it on your ears too. He sort of just lets his head fall into your hands and just like lets it rest in your hands. It's a very heavy head. He says, I've not had a very good day.
00:49:29
Speaker
but Okay. Well, if you want to talk about it, your agent is over there. Don't like him. no you but he gave the shoes i'm like just out of earshot but i can kind of i'm trying to like read his lips and i'm like i think he just said he liked me i start crying again save him start snarling like a dog and you see and you're like oh he's smiling yeah
00:49:57
Speaker
Okay. Oh, let's not do that. Okay. Well, okay. Here, here. I'm gonna, I'm gonna raise a dog. You're gonna raise a dog? I'm gonna do it. Okay. Well, how about this? three them And a little bell goes off. anding And the gates swing open six influenza infected birds go flying out of the gate and Jason Statham takes off at a full screen alongside a half dozen of her hands.
00:50:21
Speaker
Oh, well, I thought we were gonna, okay, well, okay. Keep up or shut up. Oh shit, I start running. Lit phones, the stock market people. And he knows this is not how it works, but he says, put it all on stage then.
00:50:41
Speaker
Yeah, you hear a man say, what a lovely, lovely voice. We have taken control of the Cleveland stock market. And we're all gonna put it all on, on Statham. Put the hawk to on, Statham. But here's the thing, Kimberly Rae is also running in this race, and she's
Restoring Holiday Cheer: Emotional and Comedic Moments
00:51:00
Speaker
fast. And she hasn't heard the phone call. Shit.
00:51:07
Speaker
Yeah. I've got snacks. I take like one of those energy gels that runners use and I like squeeze three of them into my mouth at once. Yeah, you get three times your caloric intake in a single gulp and take off like Sonic the damn hedgehog. You're outpacing Greyhounds. You're outpacing Jason. no There is a couple of influenza birds that have fallen dead on the track and you are safely in the lead. I will say Lit is on the phone. It's a lot safer.
00:51:35
Speaker
Kimberly is ah is is on the track sprinting as fast as she can. Thomas, Camilla, and Grant. I'd say the three of you are aware of the situation, broadly speaking, and the only way to possibly get Jason Stapleton's money back is to incapacitate Kimberly in some way.
00:51:55
Speaker
I just take a sip of my flask and pass it to Thomas. Grant. I need you. Everything is running on this moment. Oh god. I know they tell you not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I have put all of my eggs on Jesus. I take it quick because Camilla's just gonna cock or gun and start pointing at Jesus.
00:52:18
Speaker
I stressfully start looking through my fanny pack of narcotics, and I have no fix for this. I'm stressed out at this point, and I just start running after them. i don't I'm confused at this point, and I'm just trying to catch up and see if I can catch Shannon. Or sorry. Kimberly Ray. Kimberly Ray. I'm going to try and catch Kimberly Ray myself, and I'm going to try and take her down if I can.
00:52:44
Speaker
Okay, so I'm gonna say a couple things are happening here. First off, up in the announcer's booth, there's a a classic, you you know the dog races. I know you know the dog races. You hear this announcer being like, and they're off. yeah Jason Statham quickly takes the lead. Uh-oh, and what's this? A woman streaked in sunscreen is quickly catching up. Bird number three, bird number four, bird number five, bird number six, bird number one, and bird number two are all dead, narrowly avoiding a international pandemic for the second time in as many years. That's right, this is set in 2021.
00:53:15
Speaker
Uh oh, Patty the Dope Woman's catching up. I thought this was only a Greyhound thing. Crazy. Alright. And what does a newcomer? A man with no shoes. He's ruining those nice socks. They look like they were an expensive gift from perhaps a loved one. I'm faster barefoot. They just slowed me down.
00:53:32
Speaker
And every dog that I pass, assuming I'm passing all the rest of the dogs and dead parakeets, I'm walking them ashore. I'm trying to push them over. Perfect, yeah. Yeah, the remaining birds you were swatting out of there. I'm making sure that there's even less competition for Mr. Statham. Perfect. You know what? We flash back to your childhood. You were put in a childhood version of Running Man, a movie that I think is about running. And if it's not, then I guess that's as accurate as everything else that I've said tonight. So I'm going to have you roll for failed actor. Whereas Kimberly, I'm going to have you roll for snacks. Yeah. Snacks. Oh, God. Come on. I rolled a four on both dice. Oh, no. Holy shit.
00:54:17
Speaker
I rolled a six on my D12. Holy shit. Do I get to shoot Kimberly in the ankles? No, we might, something might happen. I like to imagine that Thomas is just like pointing things out to like viewers. So here we have a woman. jason So a lot to unpack there. I think we can all agree.
00:54:45
Speaker
I think it's a three-way, like, even heat. The three of you, Lightning McQueen, Chick Hicks, and that other one, all at the finish line, photo finish. It's Doc Martin. It's definitely not Doc Martin. I think it is. Well, okay. First up, Doc Martin shows. Second up, Doc Hudson is the old retired racer who teaches him that sometimes to go left, you have to go right, which is kind of how I like approach politics. Anyway.
00:55:15
Speaker
This is our sponsored episode. Thanks for bringing that up.
00:55:22
Speaker
like d and d improv and a podcast where the dm can't control the player's intrusive thoughts then flip a fate is what you're looking for this loosely d and d podcast is about four misfits being roed on at a adventure by a centur wizard Now, we have some one shots as well. We have a Christmas one shot about four dads on the hunt for their Christmas presents after getting robbed. As well as a three-part Halloween special set in the modern world about
Dinner Revelations and Personal Growth
00:55:50
Speaker
four teens caught up in a small town horror. And we played that in a simplified D&D system close to the Call of Cthulhu system.
00:55:58
Speaker
Now, in our main campaign, we play in D and&D 5e. And if you're looking for some nitty gritty D and&D and advanced rule following, you won't find it there. We're just four friends that enjoy improv in D&D with some chaos mixed in there. So go check us out. You can find us anywhere you listen to podcasts, that flip of fate. You can also find us on all socials. So stop by and say hi. Thank you and enjoy the rest of your episode.
00:56:35
Speaker
The three of you line up photo finish. It is a dead draw. I'm afraid to tell you. Oh no. Can I, can I say as we're getting close to that finish line, as it's like, I'm i'm noticing how close we are. I didn't think I could run this fast to be honest, but I realized I forgot that, you know, it's our bare feet.
00:56:54
Speaker
I reach into my little fanny pack, you know, I just pull out the first thing I got, I'm thinking it's that horse tranquilizer that I got, and I stab right beside me, who's running in the next lane, which is the new intern. Trying to slow her down. At the same time, contested real good, I try to score sunscreen into Grant's eyes. Hey, you both lose, I think that's a win for Mr. Statham, you know? That's huge.
00:57:21
Speaker
Yeah. So let's have a, let's have a narcotics and a damn dermatologist approved. um Okay. I just had to look it up, but if it is a tie, I get my money back. no sighting works that makes and plenty of us my money i mean entire I got a I got an 11. You both fail. You try and stab, you try and squirt. Both of you miss. Don't make that face.
00:57:51
Speaker
Don't make that face. It's Christmas. it is This is coming out on Christmas Day. on of christmas It is a perfect photo finish. They go pixel by pixel. It is a dead even tie. They arena erupts in confusion. They get the dog commissioner who, that's right, is a dog. On the line, they start asking her, that's right, the dog commissioner's a woman. Wow, progressive. Thank you.
00:58:18
Speaker
And they agree, there's going to be a a repeat of the race in one month's time in the desert. Fast and Furious 2? What? And the winner of the dog race. Smash cut! It's January 25th! We are in the...
00:58:43
Speaker
Sunny town of Radiator Springs, Cleveland, Ohio. And Jason Statham has been prepping real hard. He's almost out of his funk, actually. Lit is, lit is bald now from the stress of them not giving back the money, but instead holding all wagers until the repeat.
00:59:01
Speaker
hey This is important for continuity. Does Jason Statham still have the statue fatless in his pocket? Always. He actually wears it around his neck like it's like a locket now.
00:59:12
Speaker
and Okay, so that Chuck Loves God is still firmly in hand. ah It is the night before the big race. A three-way grudge match between Kimberly Rae Olson, Grant, the junior agent, and actor turned dog racer Jason Statham. The famous kiwi. Famous kiwi. Famous the evil kiwi.
00:59:40
Speaker
Jason, before the big race, he wants to enjoy one final meal because he knows tomorrow might be the day of where everything changes. He hears about a very cutting-edge restaurant here in the town of Radiator Springs, Cleveland, Ohio. It is a owl sanctuary that doubles as a restaurant and you put like a mouse on your face and an owl will come and snatch it and in exchange drop off a little morsel of food for you, a little pellet of food. You find yourselves seated around a
01:00:13
Speaker
Six-sided table, yes. A hexagonal table, right? Seven-sided table. The Santa impersonator's still here. Is um is Mr. Satan with us? He is. So it's an octagonal table? Nope. Is that math correct? There's five of us, two Santas, and one Statham. The Santas are still here? All right, fine. Fine. That's a seven-sided table. There are two Santas, and they're sharing one side. Okay.
01:00:44
Speaker
Glad we got that figured out. Good, good. That was the part that was confusing of this. Yes, exactly. The head chef comes out and says, ladies and stathomans, tonight we are going to have a very fine meal full of delicious treats delivered to you by our hours. Yes, who is excited? Yes, yes, yes, yes. But first, we have a special present prepared by Jason Statham's close family friend,
01:01:11
Speaker
the Wesley sniper and you hear a click and a projector turns on and time of your life by Green Day starts playing. And this video of Jason Statham's family appears on the wall. You see his mother. Helen. And his mother. Helen. Mother Helen. Appear on screen. And she says, Jason, I just want you to know, we're so proud of you. Everything you've done this last month, becoming a dog racer is very, very impressive. And then Helen Mirren speaks up and says,
01:01:47
Speaker
Yeah, that's right. Quite impressive. Very nice, Jason. You've done a good job raising them dogs. You're very fast, Jason. Yes, you is. Yes, you are. And this really gets to Jason Statham. He starts to tear up. oh I'm starting to cry because he's crying. It makes me emotional. Is Grant wearing shoes at this time? Nope.
01:02:08
Speaker
directed to grant but i appreciate taking about himself i realizeed how fast I was without shoes and then I realized that if it slowed me down there maybe they slowed me down the rest of my life too and maybe I can finally become an actor you know oh they've been holding you back and you you know progress yeah i feel more grounded your foot i hope you have the time on your line jason statham wife and children up here on screen and they say we haven't heard from you and
01:02:39
Speaker
ah month please come back to england where we're all from Please, dear, the children miss you terribly. And Jason stayed at the- Oh man, he's he's crying. he's He's starting to tear up. If someone doesn't kill this projector quick, it's it it might ruin everything. And if he can't win the big race, then it's all gonna go to hell.
01:03:00
Speaker
Can I slide along to switch the projector to a emergency tape that I have decided to keep in my pocket for this exact scenario? And it is of Dwayne Johnson singing You're Welcome from Moana. Yeah. Would you just roll a d12 for me? Sure. Your adrenaline's still high. You have like active stab wounds that you've not been tended to properly in the last month. They add character. Okay. An eight plus two is ten. So...
01:03:29
Speaker
10. You manage to get the tape out. You you pop it out. You pop in the the Dwayne tape you've been keeping. Unfortunately, the Wesley Sniper seems to have gotten to you without you even realizing it. And it is TMZ footage of The Rock just shit-talking Jason Statham.
01:03:50
Speaker
oh Yeah actually the idea for like the contract thing where we have to exchange even number of punches that wasn't even my idea like I'm down to take some more punches than like everyone else like I'm tougher so it doesn't even hurt me but it was actually Jason Statham's idea. Horseshit. And Jason Statham flies into a rage he starts punching the wall it's concrete because this is an owl sanctuary and his knuckles they're getting bloody oh no he's taking a point of dead.
01:04:15
Speaker
He's bleeding from his knuckles so badly. This is going very poorly. Camila considers this an absolute win and she simply salutes the man. We need some distraction. I feel that we need some owl sanctuary facts, some facts about Radiator Springs columbu Columbus, Ohio. Cleveland, please. We have the Cleveland, Ohio. Radiator Springs Columbus, Ohio is very different.
01:04:40
Speaker
I look at Thomas where I rotate my head very carefully so as not to agitate the dead mouse and I say, do something. I take the dead mouse off of my face and I fling it at the projector. And the owls will be attracted to that and destroy the projector stream. Right. This sounds like extreme sports to me, so roll for that please. I got a five.
01:05:08
Speaker
Nice. And on the D6? Clean. The mouse goes flying through the air, lands right in... It's like one of those old-fashioned projectors, you know? like it's it's It's real mechanical. And it lands in it and just kind of just gets like incorporated, just kind of gets blended in, and owls just fall upon it in a ravenous heap.
01:05:28
Speaker
destroying the projector and ending the video. Jason says, sorry, everyone, the demons, they yeah live in my brain ever since I, well, you know, the incident. I ain't been the same. Shall we eat? And he puts a mouth in his mouth and just like holds it up.
01:05:47
Speaker
And an owl comes swooping down and claws it away and leaves him a nice little pile of spaghetti. That's right, it's a pizzeria spaghetti. Owl sanctuary restaurant. And he has a nice plate of spaghetti. Wow, Jason Statham. But what's this? I had to roll two numbers on the machinations table and I rolled a nine, which is eels. And it's not spaghetti, it's eels!
01:06:11
Speaker
And this plate of spaghetti that landed on Jason Statham's lap, it starts to ride and bite him. And uh-oh, they're electric, baby. Cue the MGMT. And uh-oh, uh-oh. We need to sue this restaurant immediately. Don't worry, he's gotten this. He's a pro diver. This isn't the first time he's handled a meal or two.
01:06:30
Speaker
them back good That was the other Jason Statham I grew up in the Shire I had a nice time With the shape in the heels that was the old me He's gonna take three dead putting him at seven dead out of what what's the next thing what hell how can you reduce dead can i do that can you You can attempt to Some of you have a like an orange juice booster shot somewhere look around, and we have a turmeric shot. Let's do a stimulant maybe? Some Advils? I got some Advils somewhere in this in this fanny pack and then i I keep digging through. I was like, I got i got Advil, I have, ooh, I have weed, I have, oh, I have cocaine here too. I don't know, that I don't think that's gonna help. I'm gonna look at the group like, maybe, no.
01:07:17
Speaker
but I famously have a backpack that is overflowing with snacks and I am going to pull out like an orange juice or a bottled beverage in a snack size. I'm gonna crack it open, hand it out like hold it out to Grant and say, let's make a mixer. it into this this drink. concoction Excellent. you hold it up to jason sta and he says
01:07:50
Speaker
na it needs three more ingredients to be a successful concoction that'll save me from these eels Or the third ingredient is love. and he turns to look at the three of you who have not contributed and looks back and use this i'm dying of ills i don't need love I need medicine, or possibly bullets? I don't know. Camilla, who was felled by electricity and has been training since then to build up her electricity tolerance, grabs an eel itself by the neck, snaps it, and just rings it into the concoction for a contribution of eel blood. Oh yeah. It's not enough! I'm not gonna make it! And he looks at Lewis, I mean, let's agate her.
01:08:34
Speaker
Oh, I get it, because you're a crocodile! that right You want me to put something in there? Yes! How about some advice? Don't drink that! Jason, I'm gonna need you to drink this, okay? That's piss advice, but okay! But wait, it's missing something! Perhaps a fact about eels, or shoes, or cross dadville, or lawyers!
01:09:03
Speaker
Eels are Cleveland's delicacy. Jason Statham's head flies back. Beams of white light go bursting from his eyes and from his mouth and from his ears. He's just a big old light display. He starts to levitate off the floor as you force him to drink this orange juice, eel blood, crushed Advil, advice, and fun fact, cocktail. And? There is an explosion.
01:09:32
Speaker
Bright white light, like a flash band goes off as a ringing in your ears. And as this blinding light fades away, Jason Statham, now clad entirely in white robes, says, you did it, my friends. I dropped away. Jason, the white. You saved me. Thank you. Thomas, what is this? I don't know. But you're the tumor guy. What attraction is this? It's Jason Statham, the white. Jason the White. He's been ganned out. He's been ganned out. Oh, I understand now. Look for me at the dawn of the first day, for I will be at the Radio de Springs Cleveland, Ohio dog track. They built a special for our big race. And my friends, don't worry about winning. I can take it either way now. No, no, no. Actually, quite the contrary. I'll be okay without my money.
01:10:27
Speaker
If Hock to a coin never rises back from the ashes after Haley Welch pulled a crypto scheme on everybody, I'm okay. I'll make the transporter four. Or maybe five. I don't know where we're at. Hobbs and Shaw too! I really- I don't want to put a damper on the boot, but you may be good without money. You cannot afford me without it. Oh shit! I guess I'd better win then. Smash cut to the racetrack.
01:10:53
Speaker
There are three paddocks, one painted white for Jason Statham, one painted white for sunscreen woman, and one painted white because it felt like they should at this point, you know, like thematically one and two were why it'd be weird to make the third one any other color. Camilla, you are handed a starting gun. Can I talk to my clients before this or?
01:11:20
Speaker
I'd like to start with Jason and just be like, you got this, pal. No pressure. You're looking the fastest you've ever been. Litigator, do not take me for some bubbling fool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to go so straight to the next paddock and be like, listen, Grant, everything's riding on this. I need you to handle the other person. So Jason wins. All right. Look, Gator.
01:11:43
Speaker
You know how much I admired Mr. Statham and I will, I will do anything for him, but this could be my big break. I could make it in Hollywood at this point. You look to the stands and you see Steven Spielberg is sitting there and he's got an open final draft document that's titled Running Man 2. And then he's like got the cast list and it's like supporting actor Helen Hunt, supporting actor Drew Carey, supporting actor Jim Carey, and then leading man. And it's just three question marks. I tip my my my hat to him a little bit in the crowd, so I kind of salute him as well. he shoot You should do some cool finger guns. God damn it. That's the Spielberg wag. Oh, fine. I look at Gator again. Gator, did you see that? Mr. Spielberg himself noticed me. Lit is walking to the next paddock already. All right. a Sunscreen lady. Yeah, Kimberly Ray. Hi, Mr. Litigator. Yeah, Kimberly. so Kimberly Bay. Got it. um We've lost Grant.
01:12:42
Speaker
He is no longer with us. He does not have Jason's best interest in mine. I need you to do whatever it takes to stop him. one things flying oh and As lawyer, I can promise you, whatever lengths you go to, they won't be able to pin you to it.
01:12:56
Speaker
Okay, well, that's nice to know because I'm going to do whatever it takes to win because Mr. Statham said, speed up or shut up. And when I win this race, I'm going to look him in the eyes and I'm going to tell him Merry Christmas. And he's finally going to listen. So yeah, I'm i'm going to win. Lit isn't an all out Tom Cruise sprint back to towards the bodyguard.
01:13:17
Speaker
Camilla is like around the corner with a bat wondering when the tarding treatment is going to get called. off Kimberly, you look to the audience and you see in the stands a banana boat executive and they have a final draft document open titled Big Sunscreen Commercial. And it's a supporting cast, Helen Hunt, supporting actor, Drew Carey, supporting actor, Jim Carey, leading spokesperson, question mark, question mark, question mark. Kimberly Ray Olson, do I also see my three sisters in the crowd?
01:13:54
Speaker
I told you all I had a secret.
01:14:01
Speaker
yeah look ah You look through the stands like a child at a Christmas pageant, which is foolish because this is clearly set on January 25th. And you look, you see Ben Stiller. He's sitting there. He's looking excited. He loves a sporting event.
01:14:18
Speaker
You see Jim Carrey keeps looking over at these two executives with their documents. And sure enough, coming down the stairs in three flowing gowns, 20 foot long trains coming behind them. Elizabeth Olsen, Mary Kate. Yeah, the other one. Absolutely! The Olsen and Olsen Mystery Agency coming down the stairs. They also have magnifying glasses and Sherlock Holmes hats.
01:14:48
Speaker
Oh, hail the all-mother. I am gonna win today.
01:14:53
Speaker
You look further into the crowd. You see Helen Mirren pull up in a sports car. She steps out and she says, son, you better win or else you ain't coming home for Christmas dinner next year. Jason says, I'm starting to think I understand where all my issues come from. My cruel mother, Helen Mirren. Amongst all this, I suppose, Camilla, you were approached by Litz. Do it. So let's go for the ankles, yeah?
01:15:18
Speaker
Whatever it takes. I'm gonna go Tanya Harding, these fuckers.
Climactic Dog Race and Unexpected Transformations
01:15:25
Speaker
I am one point away from maybe death or madness. Yeah. Somehow through this last hour and a half, you're the only person who suffered any ill effects. That feels like a personal failing, but we won't reflect on it because I refuse to be held accountable for my actions. Thomas, what are you doing? In the bleachers watching, I guess. Great. Perfect.
01:15:47
Speaker
That's fair. I opened the curse book and summoned the orphan married couple. so they can live stream be rap ah there you
01:15:58
Speaker
so You start an incantation and, yeah, sure enough, these two ghoulish-looking married orphans ah appear in a puff of smoke next to you. Oh, what's this then? A race. Wonderful. A dog race with people. Whatever will America think of next? And they pull out their phones like, what up, YouTube? We were dead, but now we're back. Maybe. Hard to say. And the race begins. And as all dog races are, this is a 500 lap race.
01:16:28
Speaker
The starting gun goes off, and the three of you take off. Full sprint. 500 laps. No pacing. All gas. No sprint. It's a sprint, not a marathon.
01:16:42
Speaker
And they're off. Jason Statham, off to a quick lead. For what this, the shampoo woman has quickly taken back the lead. yeah that goes very looking He's got leading man potential. If he wins the race, he'll surely become the next big thing in Hollywood. Is this being announced over the intercom? Yeah. This is just jacking me up even more. I am running to 100% of my efforts, you know.
01:17:07
Speaker
Yeah. I'm going to have the three, uh, the three of us that are in the race, meaning the two of you and Jason state, let me troll a D12.
01:17:16
Speaker
I rolled a nine. I rolled a four. Jason stayed the world a one and he takes off faster than you thought was possible. You see, he is running on all fours with a pair of Nike runners on his feet and a pair of sensible, but chewed up businessman shoes on his hands. And he is galloping away on all fours as fast as he can. The two of you are keeping pace, but he's like, he's putting some distance between you.
01:17:44
Speaker
i'm noticing that he actually kept the shoes that he initially threw out and it kind of warms my heart a little bit that he ended up keeping the shoes after all but i'm still racing pretty hard as hard as i can be right of course as the race progresses the The British orphans are streaming and you, Thomas, see a couple of men, large men in suits. They walk up and they're like, excuse me, we're from the sporting commission. You don't have the rights to broadcast this dog race with people. You're going to have to come with me.
01:18:21
Speaker
I opened the book again.
01:18:26
Speaker
ah Use local knowledge, please. Ooh, seven. That's my pass over. You flip to another blank page as two screaming men in suits are drawn into the book and your orphans continue to broadcast for all the world to see what is transpiring at this racecourse on this day on January 25th, 2021.
01:18:51
Speaker
juan one sorry Well, we're in the new year now. I think it's 2022. A lot of people are like, I think it's just a little too early to be here. It feels like, I don't know, maybe in like a few months, like I'll feel more comfortable being out in public like this, but I don't know. I'm glad someone's broadcasting it so I can watch from the safety of my home, even though I'm tired of this pandemic. The race continues. Could I get another round of D12s from our contestants? And don't forget to roll a D6 just for the fun of it. I rolled an eight on my 12.
01:19:21
Speaker
I rolled a 4 on my 12 and a 1 on my 6. Jason Statham starts to cramp. Turns out, man was not meant to run on four legs. And for the next hundred laps, he really slows down. Narratively speaking, everyone's more or less around even, but he really slows down after that initial burst of speed. Shit. The two of you somewhat managed to close close the gap. Two hundred laps in, it is anybody's race. Camilla, sitting there in the crowd, next to Ben Stiller, what are you doing?
01:19:54
Speaker
Previously, I was trying to low-key figure out if this man is looking for a new security, because I have a sense that I'm going to lose my job contract again soon. But in the meantime, I'm just like gesturing with my watch in hopes that I can angle the sunlight to flash and blind. My my dear colleagues, Grant and Kimberly.
01:20:12
Speaker
Okay. Sounds like these weapons are also weapons. Are you sitting near Steven Spielberg? because'm I'm sitting beside Ben Stiller. Okay. not He's also a big name director that I would want to impress, so I might keep looking back at the crowd. Ben Stiller has a final draft document titled Severance season two. Okay. These weapons are also weapons. I need a six because I have two points of adrenaline. That's a seven.
01:20:40
Speaker
So nine, I fail by one. I'm gonna say with a nine, you catch the sunlight and I'm going to roll have you roll a D6. On a one, two, you blind Jason Statham. On a three, four, you blind Grant. And on a five, six, you blind Kimberly of the Olsen family. Oh, what is that? That's a two. That is a two.
01:21:09
Speaker
I have never rolled so badly in my life. Jason Statham clutches at his eyes and says, my eyes. And then he crashes just like the third car in the the first Cars movie, not not Rex Hudson, the other one. And he goes spinning and tumbling and just lands on the side of the track in a burning smoking pile of scrap. And the race continues.
01:21:41
Speaker
In this moment, I see Mr. Statham falling to the ground and I have a bit of an epiphany as I'm running and I realize I'm not fit for this for this actor life. you know I see him go down and I start thinking to myself, maybe it's better to be the agent telling people what to do instead of being the one being told what to do. And then so I slow down my pace a little bit.
01:22:08
Speaker
And then maybe I stop and then I run back over to Mr. Statham to see if he's okay. He says, push me. Push me over the finish line so I might finish my last race.
01:22:20
Speaker
And you look up, but there's like a little counter. It's lap 226. I quickly, I kind of bring him in for a little huddle and I was like, and I go, this will help you finish the race. And I pulled that little baggie of cocaine that I've been carrying this entire time. And I say,
01:22:49
Speaker
I've heard of Statham the White before, but this is ridiculous. And he takes off. He does a Looney Tunes run, his feet just like spinning around him in a big old dust cloud, and he takes off. I'm like a proud father moment here as as he takes off. Yeah, you watch you watch as this the lap counter goes ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
01:23:20
Speaker
kimberly is kimberly
01:23:27
Speaker
Kimberly, the race is coming to an end. You know that there is a couple of influential British orphan newlywed podcasts or YouTubers are broadcasting the race for all the world to see whoever wins this race will be an overnight success or in Jason Statham's case a over the course of around 37 years of hard work and dedication success. What do you do?
01:23:50
Speaker
I am so sorry. I have words to say to Mr. Statham. I take my sunscreen, my fistfuls of sunscreen, and for the first time ever, I'm going to spray myself with sunscreen all over and I am greasy. And rather than stepping over the finish line, I am going to dive and allow myself to slide at maximum velocity over the line.
01:24:16
Speaker
Lit Camilla, is there anything either of you does to try and stop this? Yeah, yeah. These weapons are also weapons. Oh, no. Knowing that this woman is a sunscreen aficionado, I have researched chemical warfare that reacts with sunscreen when it is applied on. I don't know if I did my chemistry quite right, but if it works, it should make her horrendously itchy, such that she will struggle to finish the race. It starts chafing. I got so much chafing. Roll it. Weapons are also weapons, so another 50-50. You know, yeah. At this point, what else? Please let me save one single dice roll. That is a fail. That is a ten. The enormity of your failures stack up upon you, stabbing the original Jason Statham, getting stabbed yourself, getting itchy chafing stuff on you. And I'm afraid Camilla goes mad. No! That's accurate. Okay. Well, it has one final play.
01:25:26
Speaker
If Jason Statham really is gonna lose this race, we can make him win instead through legal document fuckery. Lit has been on the phone with other lawyers just all across Cleveland in the great event stage, changing Kimberly Wilson's legal name. Jason Statham, the
01:25:56
Speaker
yeah And maybe this death, it'll hold up in the court of law and we'll be able to keep all the weddings. Give the yeah role for Spin Doctor. After the role, can Thomas, seeing that Kimberly's about to slip across the finish line, transfer Jason Statham's memories to Kimberly?
01:26:17
Speaker
but Yeah, yeah. Give me a Spin Doctor and a local knowledge, respectively. I rolled a seven. I also got a seven. You both needed sevens. shit Kimberly Rae Olson you remember you're diving through the air and you remember you remember being born in the UK or perhaps ah Australia. You remember the transporter and the transporter too. You remember getting stabbed and life in a mirror. And how boring that was. You remember your cruel mother, Helen Mirren. And do you remember if you win this race, you will once again be the biggest actor Hollywood has ever seen. And you cross the finish line.
01:27:15
Speaker
We're all right then. Looks like I'm the big winner. oh yeah I knew it. I knew I would. I am the equalizer. She's absolutely right. then There's a a single pair of hands clap in the audience and you see Helen Mirren gets to her feet.
01:27:42
Speaker
gives a polite bow, flips off her biological son, and leaves in the days that follow. I'm sorry.
Post-Race Chaos and Holiday Resolution
01:27:52
Speaker
I was promised words with Jason Statham. Okay. All right. Fine. Fine. Thank you.
01:28:01
Speaker
they Thank you. I crouch down and I stare at myself in a shining pile of sunscreen and I look at my reflection and I say, Merry Christmas, you beautiful, bold bastard. And then I shoot myself in the head. It's a Christmas miracle.
01:28:22
Speaker
In the days that follow, the sporting world is Gripped by confusion, controversy, lawsuits, Thomas the Tour Guide is named as a co-conspiror in a broadcast rights circumvention lawsuit that keeps Lit Agatore in court for months as the Dog Racing Federation tries to get what's theirs.
01:28:53
Speaker
we We're gonna set the precedent for dog broadcast legal. taking Give me one final spin doctor roll. Four.
01:29:10
Speaker
in a decision that shocks the residents of Ohio, Superior State Court, rules that anyone should be allowed to broadcast dog you keep your job. Well, maybe not your job, but a job, as there's suddenly a opening once filled by the fourth Olson sister that opens up and you are given bottles of sunscreen. Am I not crazy? Oh yeah. The twist is you think you're Kimberly Rae Olson, I guess. oh So I guess nothing really changes for you. Life goes on as you always knew it to be. You continue to give Jason Statham sunscreen. Snacks sometimes.
01:30:01
Speaker
Grant, I'm afraid the studio doesn't want to lose her. And while your act of giving cocaine to Jason Statham was respected by many in the cocaine industry, Pablo Escobar especially is interested. You continue to work away as a junior agent?
01:30:17
Speaker
getting coffees, and maybe one day, you'll have another crack at the can. Not a kick, a crack. I got some of that in my bag somewhere too.
01:30:32
Speaker
Thomas goes home after the seventh day in a very long, arduous trial, hoping to stay a free man, and opens a book. popping it open, a I was a personal assistant. Plastered on the page of the cursed Cleveland tome begins to huff and smoke. And we hear, as our screen is filled with smoke this Christmas day, one final word from the former Kimberly Rails and now ghost of
01:31:13
Speaker
Jason Statham say. Whether you're from England, Australia, New Zealand, or one of the states in which lit a gate of practices, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. ah How many words does the rock get? Because I want that many. And we're done.
01:31:38
Speaker
oh
01:31:41
Speaker
We'll see. I think it came together. Exactly. Why did you shoot yourself? No, because it's actually beautiful. i i Okay, so I took the depression and the Christmas spirit and I finished it so that the original evil Jason Statham can live a life with Christmas spirit and no depression.
01:32:04
Speaker
I died so that we could live. I was born on this Christmas day. Kimberly Ray was born. She's like the sweet baby Jesus. I was born on that dusty track to save Jason Statham. Oh my god, that's crazy. God bless. Well, a good night.
01:32:38
Speaker
Ho, ho, ho! Thank you so much for listening to this special Christmas one-shot. I have been your Statham Master, Zach Meekle, joined by my dear friends Prima Zhao as Thomas the Tour Guide, Shannon Meekle as Kimberly Rae Olson, Jordan Johnson as Lit
01:33:14
Speaker
genuinely appreciate it. I love making the show, great. Have a happy New Year. All the best.