Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Chapter 17 - Smite Club
40 Plays25 days ago
The first rule of Smite Club is it's actually totally fine to talk about Smite Club. The second rule is no one's telling you to kill somebody Faunalyn, you gotta chill out.
Meet the cast:
Dungeon Master – Zach Meikle (IG: @zachabee)
Clay Campbell – Prima Zhao (IG: @primbdraws)
Faunalyn Vaydark – Shannon Meikle (IG: @sharsharbinks)
Glimki Treefellow – Jordan Johnsen (IG: @jordan_johnsen)
Edited by Zach Meikle
Follow the show:
Instagram: @bard_soup
TikTok: @bard_soup
Music & Ambience
Music: Beyond the Horizon by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Adventure by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: The Good Guys by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Blue Hour by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Katie's Romantic Theme by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: The Streets of Prague by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: The Sad Piano Background Song by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Simple Sadness by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Finale by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Combat One by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Pre Apocalypse by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Boss Fight by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music & Ambience: Pit Fighter by Tim Roven (www.tabletopaudio.com)
Music: Dramatic Interlude by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Additional sounds provided by Pixabay
Recommended
Transcript
Heroes at Dragon's Heart Cathedral
00:00:03
Speaker
Now, let's see. Where were we? Ah yes, that's right. After a near-death encounter atop a flaming carriage, our heroes enjoyed a fretful night's rest at the Dragon's Heart Cathedral. Upon Awaking, they returned to Berthold Manor, where they discovered a mass of party guests awaiting Faunalyn's return.
00:00:27
Speaker
One by one, these guests were brought in to speak with Phonolin under the watchful eyes of Clay and Glimky, and through these conversations, they learned various pieces of information, such as the name of their attacker, an individual by the name of Thayun Zaheer, a servant of the Lord of Quiet.
Lady Baccra-Prelmy's Disclosure
00:00:48
Speaker
They were also able to determine that the front group consisting of Xerxes Humiliation, Ulvin Rothbard, Lady Krawin, Bip and Bap might have less to do with the princess' disappearance than they originally thought. However, this discovery only led to more questions as to who was actually behind it, and why. The final conversation was with Lady Baccra-Prelmy.
00:01:14
Speaker
who revealed that her father consorted with a powerful entity beneath the family estate that could grant boons in return for profane offerings.
00:01:26
Speaker
Bakra threatened to reveal Funnelan's involvement with the eyes of Eredinine, unless she returned the golden key taken by Jiminabos.
Golden Key Dilemma
00:01:34
Speaker
Despite some reservations, they agreed to this arrangement and ah attempted to set off, only to be forcefully sent to bed by Fallon Kent.
00:01:44
Speaker
After several days of bed rest and an exhausting conversation with the detective Marlin whisper hands, the party was given permission to leave, and they quickly set out into the city. Glimpy traveled to the Pearl District, where he looked into acquiring a ship to the anchor's chain, and received a couple leads in the process. Meanwhile, Clay and Farlan returned to the sewers and in order to acquire the promised key. Upon reaching their destination, they discovered the eyes of Eredinine had relocated their base.
00:02:14
Speaker
Unfortunately, the kinku chimes were still present and they were able to send word back to Brutus and Jimmy asking for the key.
Festive Interlude and Decision
00:02:23
Speaker
The ratmen quickly sent word back and told the two that it would take one thousand gold pieces to acquire the key. Armed with this information, Clay and Faunalyn returned to the surface and reconvened with Klimky at the manor. You already said all that.
00:02:41
Speaker
I don't think I did, but if you insist, on with the story.
Joining the Fight Club
00:03:33
Speaker
It's super time.
00:03:47
Speaker
On the first day of Christmas, my DM gave to me, me, your lovely Dungeon Master, Zach Meekle. On the second day of Christmas, my DM gave to me, one, Prima.
00:04:04
Speaker
And, uh, I don't know how the song goes. You don't need to! Yes, who are you? What do you play? Oh, uh, play Clay Campbell. And a DM that's so lovely.
00:04:19
Speaker
On the third day of Christmas, my DM gave to me one Jordan Johnson. And a Glim Key and a Tree Fellow. Wow. One prima. That works. Do we have to do it every time? Yes! Okay. That'll be how the song goes. Also, that's how the song works. Prima, that plays Clay Campbell. And a DM that's so lovely. On the fourth day of Christmas, my DM gave to me one Shannon. Who plays Fauna Lin? Three! Jordan Johnsons. Who key in a tree, fellow? One Prima.
00:05:00
Speaker
who plays Clay Campbell. And a tea, and that's so lovely. Hi, welcome back to Barksu. I didn't even go from three to one. We're a non-denominational Dungeons and Dragons podcast, and we're here for all your December holidays. But for right now, we're here for some Dungeons and Mother loving dragons. Let's go. I liked how you went from four Shannons to three Jordans to one Brima. What is the two? And I also liked how you said one Glimpy in a tree fellow when Glimpy famously fell out of a tree and died. His name is tree fellow. Doesn't matter. Yeah, it's still good. Okay. All right. You're a hater. That's what this sounds like. You're being a hater. That's my name. I just hate Christmas songs. And I feel like this episode is going to drop in January.
00:05:57
Speaker
It is a warm summer's day in Ardenine. The sun is blazing above you. The wispy white clouds pass on by whispering greetings and salutations. And
Training and Preparation
00:06:13
Speaker
our three heroes, after running
00:06:23
Speaker
one birth-old manor, having tried to find some information about some of the outstanding issues facing your group. Well, did you get the key? um and Unfortunately, we've been sent on another fetch quest.
00:06:37
Speaker
ah Yeah, but this time the thing we're fetching is frankly impossible because we need to acquire 1,000 gold pieces, 2,000 if you're a scoundrel. And I famously can't procure like 20 gold pieces from really good blackmail materials. So I'm like shit out of ideas. You two, any any ah hot goss on where to get $1,000? No, sorry. Don't have any ideas. The hell's that? Is it a kromback?
00:07:08
Speaker
Yes, that would be crumb back lung crashes, giving a respectable three feet away. Okay. Do you always just listen to other people's conversations? Well, I'm supposed to keep an eye on the lady and well. So that's a yes. She wasn't very far away. Sorry. I thought we were brainstorming, but that's fine. Should be seen, but not heard. I understand. No, no, you can give ideas.
00:07:34
Speaker
I'd like if the two of us could be, you know, com comrades. She's a Bolshevik. Lock her up. Krombeck, do you know where to get gold fast? Oh, it's all coming together. Krombeck, the hell up. Don't speak. We're not comrades. I'm your superior.
00:07:52
Speaker
Fight Club. Let's talk about Fight Club, Clay. It's Fight Club time. Oh, is this really where this is going? Let's go wrap our boobs up in like bandaged looking bras and put on really dark eyeliner and cut our hair all jaggedy and fight for money. I'll simply watch, but you two shouldn't. That does sound fun. Oh, box of shorts. Sorry, am I privy to this information? What the hell are you talking about?
00:08:21
Speaker
No, we learned this morning. You were there. You were there. When we learned it at my club, I believe. Yeah, we learned it from Rothbard. I wasn't there. It was after. Wasn't it after Rothbard though? Because you followed Rothbard out.
00:08:32
Speaker
I don't think I was there. no um Some of the nobles have been going to fight clubs in the Copper District and you got some of the details, so including where they are. Let's go bet on ourselves, I guess. Do you guys want to go rig some fights? I had one question from last time. Did Chimes give us like a deadline that they needed? the I mean and know Bakra has a deadline for getting the key to her, so I guess in its day, right?
00:08:59
Speaker
Yeah, Bakra did sort of demand it be returned by today. Oh. As for the key chimes to not give a deadline so much as just a price. Okay. So, psych club. My only other idea is to go and talk to Bakra and be like, look, you can have your key back. It's easy as pie, but it will cost you 1000 gold pieces.
00:09:29
Speaker
Uh, I don't like, do you have a leg to stand on with that? It just feels like, didn't you already negotiate? I thought I was a centipede with this woman in terms of legs to stand on because I had literally an enumerated list of subjects on which to blackmail her. And I tried and she was impervious. She wasn't remotely intimidated. So I don't really know how to engage with people who are like that dense. I want to say I don't, that, that stubborn. I don't know. She's like me and it terrifies me. What about Bip?
00:09:59
Speaker
Have we ever tried to talk to him? Oh my god, you're so right. We should just go talk to Bip. What? Why? It will give us $1,000. Why? Because we'll be like, look, Bip, your sister really needs our help. Does Bip know about the crazy shit going on in their basement? They must, right? Sounded kind of like Macro was the one. I feel like Bip knows personally. I think.
00:10:24
Speaker
that the world has set us up in a very clever way to fight on the Fight Club hooks. I feel like maybe. I think it's pretty clever. He laid it out a while ago now all of a sudden.
00:10:39
Speaker
We need money and there's a fight club. Well, actually if we go, Bit might be there so we could talk to him there. I think we should do the fight club. Yes! Okay, gene so I have 10 gold pieces in my entire my entire retinue. that's but That's all the money I have in the world. Oh, I don't think I have anything. Oh, no, Glimky, you're like famously richer than the rest of us. Check again.
00:11:06
Speaker
Am I? Gloopy starts digging through his bags. Keep talking. Well, I was just going to say, if we rig the fight, and I bet on one to ten long odds the first time, then I'll have a hundred gold pieces. And then I can do it again on the second fight, and we'll have a thousand gold pieces. And then I can do it again on the third fight, and we'll have ten thousand gold pieces! Right. That sounds really doable. Yes, I thought so too.
00:11:31
Speaker
Let's go. my My pouch is empty, it looks like. Inside check is his pouch empty. Roll an inside check. Can I just say that I'm telling the truth? Sure. I i don't have any in my thing. doesn't I don't have any gold. yeah I believe you. Somebody did buy a hefty amount of narcotic the other day. Oh, right. Okay, I believe you. I don't need to roll. I believe you.
00:11:58
Speaker
Oh my God. How much do you think this narcotic itself or do
Emotional Conversations
00:12:02
Speaker
we still have any left? I burned only one portion. I think we both have some black leaf. Yeah. Oh, let's get someone really high and then rob them. Oh my gosh. I really want to see this fight club. I know. So do I let's do it. All right. Fight club. So who's fighting? Clay. I'm finally immediately looks at clay. I can fight.
00:12:26
Speaker
Is this like a fisticuff situation? Or do we have arms and armor? This is going to sound insane. But if it's a fisticuff situation, I actually think I would be better than either of you because I'm rather nimble. Actually, that's hilarious. But I don't want to get punched in the face. Or anyway. You might. Would you get punched in the face for 1,000 gold pieces? And your reputation, may I remind you? Well, I suppose yes. Yes, I would.
00:12:53
Speaker
And what's a cooler story to live on rat sex or fight club? Phenom. Ooh. Well, I do like having the word phenom applied to be by a former enemy. So, okay. Okay. Well, we can spin it. I'm all into marketing now. He's a big city boy now. All right. It's all about big business. All about the PR. You should really help me with the PR then, because I'm frankly burning every bridge that I cross.
00:13:21
Speaker
All right. Well, if you really want me to, I say we lean into the rat sex. Yeah. Actually we did that already. She has been leaning in. Yeah, you have. Yes. We traumatized Claudine Blagner. Oh goodness. Well, Krombeck. Yes. Is Krombeck strong? What's your name again? Lung Crusher. Mr. Lung Crusher was my father, but yes. You look strong. That's a pretty strong name. That's a strong name for sure.
00:13:49
Speaker
How old are you? You look like a spry fifty. I'm twenty-eight. Okay, uh, Fatherland, maybe you are the best choice to fight. This is stupid, then!
00:14:03
Speaker
me maybe okay if I see all right you're not going to win like when the odd like if people are betting against you but we wouldn't more money oh yeah we could yeah we're getting more odds against okay all right so let's make me look weak it shouldn't be hard because I'm pretty weak I'm like you know wear something with lots of bows on it. Please don't let me die, though. It's just the thing. You won't die. I feel like we should give you body armor with bows on it. Ooh. Like some leather armor or something? Yes, something to protect you. Okay. Let's go to the Fight Club and find out the rules. That's our first step. Yeah, let's do it. Okay. So you turn back around and march back down to the Copper District?
00:14:52
Speaker
Are you walking? Are you carriaging? Well, lung crushers are right there. I don't think we can carriage to a flight club. I think we got to be a little more inconspicuous than that. So I think Faunalyn would go up and put on one of her less conspicuous going out outfits like her cloak and head out. And maybe we'd take the carriage close by and then walk the rest of the way. Sure. Who's driving it?
00:15:17
Speaker
Faunalyn will be damned if she fights in a fight pit and also drives the carriage in one night. Okay, she's for the people, but... I thought Lung Crusher was here. Wasn't he the carriage guy? Yeah, is he following this? No, famously, Causton Fattlefettle was the carriage guy and had his throat impaled. Okay, well, what's Krombeck doing right now? He is a bodyguard assigned to Faunalyn's person. Okay, he can slap around some reins.
00:15:47
Speaker
No, he's not paid for that. Clay, you do it. So he's supposed to just sit in the back? Yeah, he's my bodyguard. I'm your handmaiden, I don't think. Okay, okay, I'll i'll do it, I guess. See, you're both such good employees. Blinky begrudgingly gets into the driver's seat and gathers the reins. Do the Purples only have one driver? And he's dead? Yes.
00:16:11
Speaker
Oh no. And we did it they only have one driver. No, we didn't. We really crippled their household. I pushed some of his... Is this the same carriage that he died in? No, that one burned to ash. That's actually a great point. There is no carriage. It burned to the ground. but we don't even We don't have a carriage. We don't have a driver. Oh, shoot. Okay. Well, looks like we're walking.
00:16:35
Speaker
Okay. I'll piggyback you, Faunalyn. You've got one horse that you managed to rescue from the incident. Nice. If you want to ride four atop that. All right. We have one horse. No, I'll take the piggyback. As soon as Faunalyn says I'll take the piggyback, she launches herself at Clay's back and expects that Clay will accommodate. Oh yeah, I offered. It's available as an option. so I grab Clay's horns and go, awkward. I steer your head to be like looking down the street that we need to go down.
00:17:03
Speaker
All right, so with Fondland once more atop Clay, Glimky and Krombeck follow, and the four of you make your way through the streets. You've done a lot of walking this morning. It's early afternoon, maybe noon-ish. You've already gone down to the Gold District, explored the sewers, come back up. The day is moving, and you begin this long journey. It takes you a while. You cross over the Oceancrest Falls,
00:17:31
Speaker
through the streets of the gold, silver, and eventually copper districts. You don't specifically know this place, but you look around, you ask around, and
00:17:55
Speaker
It's a single story, it's got sort of teal roof tiles and a simple round wooden door at the front. This looks like the place to stop. Glimky is holding two reins that are attached to nothing and has been clapping his hands down the whole street because he doesn't have a carriage.
00:18:18
Speaker
This is good, Glimky. It's good for you to revisit your trauma like this and work through it. Thanks. Actually, you must be so, like, messed up vis-a-vis carriages. Now you've had two negative incidences with one. You know what? I didn't even think about that. That's really messed up. That must be very hard for you. You must be very afraid. Glimky falls into, like, a thousand-yard stare. Oh, no. Oh, God, there's a carriage coming down the street. Oh, quickly out of the way. There's a man here. Don't hit him.
00:18:48
Speaker
Okay, let's is this the place this dainty little yeah I guess it helps when you describe something other than just being like you find a ah brick building. There's a sign It's a simple sign. Oh, yeah it is a bolt of fabric
Entering the Fight Club
00:19:02
Speaker
and it is Sort of cast out and rippling and takes on the appearance of a winding River. Whoa and in a simple Copper script underneath it says weave and flow hmm nice Okay, remember, when we go in there, we want to get as much odds against you as possible, perhaps? Or I don't really know. Do we want more people betting so the pool is bigger? I don't know how betting works. No, me neither. I've never done anything like this. Like, are we wanting to win over the crowd as much as possible to get more people to bet on you? It's an amazing point. Do you want to go as yourself or do you want to go as someone else?
00:19:41
Speaker
Oh, I'm going to have a pseudonym and I think my pseudonym should be, let me think. Oh God, let me think. This is such an important decision. This is only my like second fake name of my life. So, um, I want to invoke like feline, like me. Wow. Boots per, you know, like a, like a cat burglar. And then I'll be on like, swoopy around the ring and it'll be cool and fun. How about boots? Mick boots boots.
00:20:10
Speaker
boots how Boots the house down. Boots. Maybe just boots. Do you guys like boots? No, you know what? Here's the thing. If you go in there and you get yourself on the card for the fights, leave the crowd to me and I'll i'll get the hawking money, all right? leave Leave the name to me.
00:20:30
Speaker
I hope it will be boots, but I'll see what you, I'll see what you come up with. and yeah Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is, so this is so fun. You know what? The best character work happens when you have someone who can back you up and corroborate your story. So I am the champion fighter. Glimke, you will be my coach and Clay, you will be my manager. No, Glimke, you're my manager. Clay, you're my coach. Okay. And Krombeck, you're my number one fan.
00:20:59
Speaker
I can just wait outside if you want. I already feel like I'm shirking my responsibilities by escorting you here. You don't want to see the fight? You don't want to watch me get beaten up? Listen, if you go back to the house with a fresh set of bruises or worse, I'm going to get fired and I kind of need this job.
00:21:24
Speaker
Come back, I'll cover for you. Don't worry. And if the birth holds fire you, I'll get you a better job with someone richer. I have so many friends. Give me a persuasion or deception check, your choice. Okay. I would say that that's a deception roll because I can't think of a single friend that Faunalyn has. So other than Clay and Glimpy, am I right guys? Am I right? You're right. am i That's an 11.
00:21:51
Speaker
Krombeck tilts his head and looks at you. He squints, sort of chews on the inside of his cheek. All right, we'll have a joke. Beside to Glimpy and Clay, this guy rules. I like him a lot. He's way better than the little one that got eviscerated. I used to hate lung crusher. Nice, he's going to chill. He's actually kind of chill. Nobody's chill. He's so chill. He's a chill guy. That's nice.
00:22:20
Speaker
He's old too. Do you think him and Fallow should date? I don't like woolly for her. He's 28. 28? Yes! Why did I hear 68? I just said he looked like a spry 50 and then he told me he's 28. I feel horrible. I heard 58 from that. Oh. The boys are loud. I heard this guy's old as hell. He just, I think he might've been a chronic smoker maybe.
00:22:48
Speaker
Oh, yeah, he's weather beaten for sure. Crusher. his life He looks like he's lived his entire existence outside in the sun. Yeah. And in the rain, in in a hurricane. It's crazy. It's been so sunny today. He looks wet. Is it just me? Why does he say am right now? ah anyway What is this? Nothing, nothing, nothing. We were talking about how chill and wet you are. He pushes the door of the Weaver shop open and steps inside.
00:23:18
Speaker
I follow him in. Yeah. lit space. There is a very simple wooden chandelier
00:24:31
Speaker
take what you do. Faunalyn assumes the posture of someone who's like gonna fight behind Glimky, so Faunalyn's hitting her fist together and like rolling her shoulders back and trying to look all fightery. Glimky clears his throat and starts walking across the and the floor here to him, extending his hand towards this person. Uh, Reginald Chapstick at your service.
00:24:54
Speaker
Pleasure to meet you. He looks coolly at you, does not extend his hand in return, says... Oscar McDev. Well, pleasure to meet you, Oscar. I'll have you know that we're not really in the business of ah buying. Instead, what I am in the market of is selling. And what I mean by selling is selling some good old-fashioned entertainment for some people with some heavy pockets looking to make some more money. As you can see behind me, I've got a and got a prize ah prize woman behind me there. I think you're catching my drift here.
00:25:30
Speaker
yeah You know, we're privy to the but nature of business around these parts. Put on a great, great show, making a lot of money. I can promise you that you will see the most betting you've ever seen tonight because of this fighter. Mate, I don't know what you've heard.
00:25:47
Speaker
This is a fabric store. Listen, Oscar, and he he signals with his hands to lean in closer. He doesn't. Glinky's shuffles his feet right up to him. Listen, I know this is a, what do you say, um, subtle art of keeping this kind of within closed groups. We know some people that partake and they extended the invite. So I don't know what else you need to hear.
00:26:16
Speaker
Who? He said who. ah I take out the Pralmy ring and show it. What's this then? Wait, who? Wait, hold on. Sorry, Oscar, please. Sidebar? Who who who told you they fight here? It was Bip and and the other guy, right? It was Rothbard who told us, but he says that he comes here with Bip sometimes and background knows about it and doesn't approve.
00:26:44
Speaker
oh it's roth So this is their is this their family crest is this the right one or not? This is Prelny. But is Bip fighting or is it Rothbard's fighting? It's not Bip. Rothbard and Bip are fighting. They probably don't come here with their family crest. Oscar, sorry. I just needed a little convenient with my fighter there. Okay, yes. Well, we'll have you fighting right away. I know that's all you live for. Let me fight.
00:27:12
Speaker
ah Mr. Rothbard said he comes here with a man named Dip. They maybe use aliases. ah I'm realizing I'm out of my depth. He takes this thick hand and sort of just picks at his, he's got these tusks and he picks at one of them. He's got these dirty, almost black fingernails. You see his knuckles are sort of scabbed over. Don't know anyone by that name friend.
00:27:42
Speaker
Listen, do you want to make money? I... Okay, I'm... Seriously? Come here. And he signals again to come closer. He leans in this time. And I, Gloopy, would like to whisper now. If you want to make some money, that's no random fighter. That's a noble. That's Lady Faunal and Vader.
00:28:03
Speaker
la I should kick your ass. I've told you right now, if you want to make some money, send out the word and you will have a packed house full of people putting cash up front.
Faunalyn's Determination
00:28:20
Speaker
Okay. You will see the most business you've ever seen that I can guarantee you. And all I'm asking for is chance of the fight. Give me a persuasion roll.
00:28:33
Speaker
Pretty good. I wrote a 16 on the dice plus 420. Nice. Give me the ring. The ring? He puts his hand out behind him to signal to Clay. The ring. Why? I thought you didn't know who this was. Let's call it your admission fee. Get your fighter's name on the card. Yeah. I look at Falman. You sure you want to do this? See, I just hear you tell that guy my government name as you know it.
00:28:59
Speaker
and that he should invite everyone I know. I thought I was whispering. Did I hear it? You can give me a perception roll if you were trying to eavesdrop. Of course I was trying to eavesdrop. That's not very good. I think that's that's an eight. You heard Charlie Brown adults.
00:29:18
Speaker
um bra bar wa ra pop
00:29:22
Speaker
funnel andd Are you sure you want to do this? I'm kind of amped about it now. Have you ever gone like, ah like ever in your life? I never have. That was my first time and it's like the endorphins. I feel amazing. Okay. Well, it kind of feels like you're in it to win it now. Yeah. No, I'm going to win. I'm going to kill somebody tonight and um you guys won't let me die, right? So how much cash do we have to put down? I have 10 gold. That's the ring I think. No, no, no. I mean for the, for the, that's for us to discuss. Can I give him the ring? Do we need it?
00:29:55
Speaker
I don't think we need it anymore. We can buy it back off of him when we win the fight. Right. All right. Yeah, put it down as you win. Here you go. That's our collateral. He takes it from you and tries putting it on his ring finger. It does not fit on even a little. He wedges it onto his pinky and it gets to like the first knuckle and he sort of just gives this crooked smile. He sees missing a couple of teeth.
00:30:22
Speaker
All right, friends. Come back tonight after supernova. We'll get you in the ring. All right. Perfect. Okay. Spread the word. Somebody teach me how to fight real quick and then we'll be like, good to go. All right. Should we tell Bakura that we need one more day to get her key back? we no and We probably should tell Bakra. We could go ask Bakra for the money in the meantime and maybe I don't have to put my life on the line. No, fuck it. We've invested in this little subplot. I don't think that whatever cool God is running this show, this little farce that we call the life that we are players in.
00:31:00
Speaker
I don't think, which by the way is a really good show and I think more people should pay attention to it. Regardless, this little life of ours, I don't think the god of this little life of ours would punish us for coming up with a cool and creative plan. When he's the one who time skipped us through our entire mandated time, we were given a week, he skipped us through six days of it i was in bed in a few days i don't know what you did i had one conversation in six days it was like i was powerless to do anything else so i just don't think that that god of this wonderful and creative universe would punish us so cruelly what do you guys think i think we should fight
00:31:45
Speaker
Yeah, I want to fight. Let's go have a training montage in a park. Oh my gosh, training montage? Do you guys think I can get up to doing one-armed push-ups in the next six hours? Yeah. Cool. Let's go try it. Oh my god, Blinky, you can sit on my back. That happens in that movie, right? Training? Yeah, hell yeah. Let's do it. Yeah. Let's do it. Maybe we stop telling, we stop showing how little training we have in front of the guy that we just told we would make a bunch of money. Let's leave.
00:32:10
Speaker
Okay, Boston coach, let's get out of here. I can't wait to kill somebody later. and fa it walked out You step back out onto the dirty streets of the Copper District. It's maybe an hour past midday.
00:32:26
Speaker
You got seven, eight hours till supernova, maybe nine at most. fondly I had a change of plans. You have to go down. Why?
00:32:40
Speaker
because we can sell you so hard that people will bet on you and then we bet on the other guys.
00:32:49
Speaker
How about this? How about this? How about this? How about this? How about this? We suss out the crowd, we see where things are going, and then we bet on both outcomes. yeah famously does not work in gambling okay to be fair though like maybe you can actually maybe you can actually win i that was a knee-jerk reaction not because i don't have faith in you but because i may be i'm lacking faith in you I can do, you told that guy it was amazing. Yeah. I can do this. And he took one look at you and he was like, yeah, that looks like a prize fighter. Okay. And he agreed without hesitation. And then, and then maybe I thought maybe that we could make more money if we bet against you. That's just, that was me being selfish.
00:33:35
Speaker
No. I mean, we're here to make 1000 gold pieces. Maybe, uh, what if I fight two times and the first time I just fight normal and then if it doesn't kill me, no, that's silly. Okay. Well, actually, hold on. That sounds even more solid of a plan. Really? If you win the first one and they're like, oh, this person kicks ass. And then people start betting on you for the second one. Let me throw the second one.
00:33:59
Speaker
Yeah, a little loosey goosey and knocked over. I could throw one fight. Cha-ching. Yeah. Okay. I like this plan. I like this plan. We'll play it by ear. We have to make money. Ideally, I want to win. It might be a one fight deal, but... No, because I'll win the first one and then I'll be like, wants to challenge me. And it'll be here to be really good. And then someone will challenge me. That also reminds me of winning the first one. That guy's hands were the size of Christmas hams.
00:34:26
Speaker
Well, I'm not fighting that guy. And also, what is he gonna do with those big hands? Punch you! Oh shit, I forgot about that part. I was like, who cares how big his hands are, but no, Christmas Hams would hurt. Okay, you know what? Maybe there's other ways that we can fix this fight. Yes, by me winning. Can we buff you in any way? Yeah, give me- Oh! I could take Blackleaf. Uh, I don't think taking a sedative will help.
00:34:52
Speaker
Do we know the side effects? It made the one guy real, you know, lethargic. Okay, so maybe not. Damn it. Oh, I have Tilly's potion that's supposed to make you bigger. It's a magic potion that makes you large.
00:35:08
Speaker
Wait a damn second. Making me bigger actually is kind of contrary to my whole ethos. I'm not actually a strength-based fighter. I'm supposed to be fast and nimble. Yeah, but you'd still be bigger. and Maybe that's a good thing.
00:35:23
Speaker
Oh my goodness. Just an option. I also have enhanced ability so I can buff you a little bit for one hour. Hell yeah. We need to be pulling some Professor Snape bullshit from the sidelines. Okay, okay, okay. You know what? Oh my god, dude.
00:35:40
Speaker
We can be in your corner and I could lay on hands you. Is this cheating? I think we're cheating. ah so We're allowed to cheat. When you're, you're allowed to cheat, everybody cheats in this world. Okay. Listen, here's what we're going to do. I think here's, here's what we should do. We have two bags of black leaf. We spike the other fighter's water with one. The other thing we do with the second bag is we take it back to Clay's bizarre little potions friend and we get me some stimulants.
00:36:06
Speaker
Okay? And I juice myself. And the third thing is Clay cast magic on me. And the fourth thing is you stand on sides of the ring so I can back my opponent into the corner and use my sneak attack ability because you'll be right behind them. Now we're getting meta. Oh, that's crazy. I'm gonna kill somebody tonight. I'm gonna do drugs now. Honestly, yeah. First stop, let's get some fucking performance enhancing drugs. Okay. P-E-D. Get me all the P-E-D.
00:36:34
Speaker
taking peds was not I would like a clock wipe on the screen. us is Now it's us and the doctor. butage poin doing whatarmed push yeah we hell yeah we are so none of your prep is being used ah I'm going to say we are going to do a very simple like one round skills challenge. Don't think we've done one on this show, but typically they are a longer process wherein you attempt as a group to overcome a larger obstacle. It is a collaborative narrative device of sorts. We're going to do a one round version okay for this training montage.
00:37:16
Speaker
I'm going to start with Clay. So, Prima, I need you to describe one thing Clay is doing in the lead up to this fight to help prepare Faunalyn. The potion, you don't know how long it'll last for, but you know it's not like a permanent thing, so that can just happen before she goes into the ring. So yeah, what's a ah thing you are doing to try and get Faunalyn ready for the big show?
00:37:42
Speaker
I guess Clay will use her connection to Fuzam to get better stimulant drugs. go Okay. Epinephrine. Yeah, like I don't know. I think Falun doesn't want to take the the mystery potion. So I think we should get steroids. That'll be a between rounds thing. Yeah. yeah Do we want to call that a persuasion check or it sounds charisma based to me. Is there a different element of charisma that you are thinking of applying to Fuzam to get him to give you the good shit?
00:38:17
Speaker
Oh, my persuasion's good. Okay. I'll try persuasion. Okay. I tell him I will work like several shifts for free when he needs me. An IOU, of labor. An IOU for the P-E-D. Yeah. oh So that my opponent can be K-I you doing all right? You're coming in here. yeah friends coming in here, a lot of drug purchase in the last couple of days. you I guess that was almost a week ago at this point, but yeah, you doing okay? Yeah, it's been rough. You know, past few weeks have your support in this and I swear I'll i'll i'll owe you a couple shifts, okay? You can keep my wages. I just need something that will make makes someone really strong.
00:39:14
Speaker
Not strong! No, not strong. Well, okay, strong I guess, but I'm a Dex-based is the thing. I think my attacks are based on Dex. I just want to make sure Zach doesn't weasel us. We need a haste potion.
00:39:25
Speaker
Like, when I punch someone, what is that based on when it's me? Oh, no, that's okay. Actually, I think when I punch someone, when I'm... Okay, this is just a mechanics question out of character. When I faunal in, like, I'm doing a sneak attack, but without a weapon, because I assume it will be unarmed fighting, is that a strength attack or still a dex attack? So, fun fact about sneak attack, which you solved, my clever rental. In advance, to do a sneak attack, it requires a ranged or a finesse weapon.
00:39:55
Speaker
fists, or
00:40:06
Speaker
ah but unfortunately This will not help you. I'm on your side. but So strength, right? Okay, you're right. We do need strength juice. I can i can buff your Dex if you need it also with Enhance. Actually, would Dex even help me in this fight? I'm trying to think if Dex will even help me in this fight. Because I think my traits that I have are like inherent. Like when I unarmed strike,
00:40:31
Speaker
I could grapple them or shove them more effectively with my Dex. Yeah, my sneak attack that I have and my other traits aren't actually dependent on Dex. All right, Zach, I don't think I have anything that a Dex boost would actually help me with. I actually think we want to buff the hell out of my strength.
00:40:50
Speaker
Yeah, you're not a it would be one plus your strength modifier damage. Okay. So I need strength boosted. Yeah. So I need, I just need something that will help make someone really
00:41:43
Speaker
make him strong for at least a little while. Thanks. Thank you so much. I will schedule those shifts with Thank you so much. Can I do a check? What did what substance did he just give me? You can do a little medicine check if you want to try and assess. I got an eight.
00:42:07
Speaker
You pop, there's this little cork, you pop the cork, you sniff it, you stagger back. It is terrible smelling and you have no idea what is in this vial. Okay. Cool. Phonadin's going to love this. And we go to Glimkey. What are you doing to prepare for the big fight? What was the seamstress's name again?
00:42:28
Speaker
I let full of a moment. Yes, full of a month. I would like to go to Madame for a month and try to John wick a funnel and dress. And what I mean by that is I want a leather lining in it to give her some sort of AC. Oh,
00:42:45
Speaker
oh was I supposed to roll because I rolled. Yeah. What is so you were trying to make this yourself based off the material? No, no, no. I'm trying to trying to convince. I'm trying to convince her to make it.
00:42:57
Speaker
Okay. Generally, I didn't say this, generally requires different skills, but you know what? If you go a different route, that's not persuasion. I'll allow it. No, I rolled persuasion because I thought I was just going in to convince them.
00:43:13
Speaker
yeah sure why not it's it's it's yeah why not what'd you get wait what are you what were you thinking oh i wasn't thinking anything oh this is the dm equivalent of teacher wheeling in a tv and putting on an episode of magic school bus I, it's my time to say you tell the story. Okay, so I go to the Medanford Mount and I run in there. And I say, I'm sure you've already heard all of the amazing gossip about your dress and its premiere at the ball. It probably is outshining all the attempted murder that happened in the driveway. But I also would need something else.
00:43:55
Speaker
Something to push your abilities to the limit once again. ah You came through for us with this enigmatic, chromatic, multicolored dress. This time I need something a little heartier. I really need to make some pretty armor.
00:44:12
Speaker
now forgive me but uh it is my understanding the dress was overshadowed after the lady wearing it was stabbed most viciously i have not heard much chatter about the dress i have heard much chatter about its wearer nearly getting murked shall we say but the and the way i see it you already owe me oh well yeah that's true so why not just put it on the tab you know when do you need it by six hours yeah
00:44:51
Speaker
um and good i did roll persuasion and i got 24 oh my good she already has spondylin's measurements see actually it's funny that you say that about the stabbing thing now imagine she had a dress that it bounced off of that would have been the tug of the town how could you have such a pretty dress and it's impervious to damage crazy
00:45:42
Speaker
Sounds like a plan. Then we are in the club. Come back here. Honestly, after close, because I'll be working on this for the rest of the net. What is the vision? Oh, vision? ha We're going to do a ah zoom out to private conversation of Glimpy telling Faunalyn. I'm going to message you it so I can surprise Faunalyn on the ah fa reveal.
00:46:04
Speaker
You know what? Surprise me too, when the time comes. Sick, alright. Keep your secrets. You got it. And we go to Faunalyn. What is your preparation looking like?
00:46:18
Speaker
Fondylin is back at the Berthold Manor doing a classic like rocky training montage including like being kind of like gassed and sweaty and like leaning back in a stool and fallow is behind her like rubbing her shoulders and gassing her up and like when Fondylin's doing the one-armed push-ups fallow's like you can do this are you a woman or are you a child show those muscles in your life be strong If you think it's in character for Fallow to do so, but I know Fallow very well, and I think if Faunalyn was like, Fallow, if I need you to make me into a champion pit fighter today, I think Fallow would do what it took.
00:46:53
Speaker
I guess we we come back to flood her in fallow. Fatherland's all sweaty. She has a ah electrolyte replenishing drink in her hand. She has spat out her mouth guard, which she uses to sleep so that her teeth don't grind. But she's going to use it for painting tonight. And she's like, fallow. Yes. Are you going to come to the fight?
00:47:16
Speaker
No, of course not. And I don't know what I was just doing, but... but but ah What are you thinking? I mean, I'm pretty scrappy, and I need a thousand gold pieces. Do you even know what the odds are? What does that mean, like the odds? How much money do you have? I have ten gold pieces. So you're going to need a hundred to one odds?
00:47:42
Speaker
Get a thousand gold pieces. It should only be, uh, 10 times. Oh, oh yeah, that is a hundred. I just am worried you're not thinking things through clearly. Perhaps you should return to bed for a few more days and yeah everything will be better. You know, that's not true, Fallow. I am on the brink of societal collapse and if Society collapses around me. Who knows who will come knocking at my door. I don't know. I, I feel strong and I feel like I'm not any good with my words lately. Honestly, honestly, Glimki is like a country bumpkin and he schmoozes 10 times better than I do. Clay doesn't even have to say anything to anyone and people love them automatically. I'm like trained in the art of being good at schmoozing and I can't help but mess it up. So maybe I should just try the punching thing. Right.
00:48:41
Speaker
I have an alternative suggestion if I might. Is it kicking? Because I was already thinking that. I could talk to Kazran and Amala and perhaps arrange for a ship to take you home. Perhaps it's time to just go back to the way things were and you've gotten lucky. Hello. Multiple times now.
00:49:07
Speaker
in, what's that, three assassination attempts in the last two weeks? How long do you think you can keep this up, realistically? When you say, take me home, do you mean Ulith or Thayad? No. Or do you mean back with the Berthold's? Neither. Oh, Fallow, it's not even It's not... I can't... It's not even an option. I... It's still there? You know, the world wouldn't miss it if it wasn't. I can't... But I'd miss you. Dino's not even there. I'd be much happier knowing that you're alive. Fallow, do you know what i can't you know what it felt like to leave my home and languish there for so many years, completely powerless to do anything? I... I'm scared.
00:50:01
Speaker
I'm trying, and I can't live the next 700 years knowing that when things got scary, I got on a ship instead of taking a few punches. And then what? Then I punch back, I guess. Sure. And the next time a man made of locusts tries to punch a hole through your throat, Carlson's dead. He was a shitter, but he didn't deserve that.
00:50:26
Speaker
hello
00:50:30
Speaker
I know how I act and I know what impression it gives, but there are things in this world that I'm willing to die for. And I hope it won't come to that.
00:50:40
Speaker
But... I want to fight tonight. And I don't want to get on a ship. Unless the ship is taking me to find the princess. Well, there may be. Actually, Vala, that's a very good idea. Maybe we should have the Berthold to range a ship for us. Oh, Vala, you are so smart! And I grab her little mushy cheeks and I plant a kiss on her.
00:50:59
Speaker
wrinkly forehead You're so clever and brilliant. Your advice has been noted. It has been rejected. And when I die, I will visit you as a ghost and tell you that you were right all along. And then I'll see you in hell like three days later. Give me a persuasion check of your own. Persuasion check? Oh, is she gonna sneeze on me? That is a dirty 20. The filthiest of 20s. She doesn't smile. She doesn't joke back. She just looks at you sadly.
00:51:28
Speaker
Then nods and walks out the door. Oh, God. Now my best friend is mad at me. That was supposed to p- Carla, help! Back for a second. She does not come back. I follow her and I am being a little noisy and I don't- I'm not like paying attention to who hears me or not. Carla, please stop. i I am scared. I'm scared all the time.
00:51:53
Speaker
but I didn't like almost dying but the first time and then I didn't like it the second time and I really hated it the third time because the third time I wasn't even alone. My friends were with me and I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm scared all the time but please don't please don't be mad at me because I have to go do something really scary and if you're mad at me, I don't think I can do it. I just need to be tough today and I'm not tough when you're mad at me. I become a really big baby because I care about what you think more than I care about what anybody in the world thinks.
00:52:20
Speaker
so Can you just tell me that I'm going to do a good job and that I'm going to be okay? And I'm sorry, and I know it's scary for you too. She's paused on the stairs. She's got a hand on the banister. And she turns to look at you and her eyes are full of tears. And she says, you're trying to regain something that you've spent more time living without. At some point, maybe it's just worth living.
00:52:52
Speaker
I... my father. What? You're asking me... You're asking me to give up. On him. It's more than... It's more than...
00:53:22
Speaker
That's more than what you think.
00:53:36
Speaker
Okay. Okay, fallow. Thank you for the training montage. It was very instructive, and um I feel really limber, actually. So, I'm probably not even gonna... I'm very fast, so I'm probably not even gonna get punched tonight.
00:53:52
Speaker
So, trembles as she makes her way down the stairs. And that's a successful training montage. I shed real tears.
00:54:14
Speaker
I'm an easy trigger for years, but I got teary. I'm a fallow stand. It's just that's a rocky crying in the bathtub. Night falls, the sun explodes, and the three of you gather in the shadows of Berthold Manor's estate. Clay with a vial, Glimky with a small box tied with a ribbon.
00:54:42
Speaker
and Fondland with slightly larger biceps and slightly more emotional trauma. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Fondland has visibly been crying. Her makeup was supposed to look messed up and dark, and it's messed up and dark, but also all on her cheeks. Wow, you're really getting into character. Maybe Fondland. Are you okay?
00:55:06
Speaker
Amazing. And I'm gonna win a fight. I'm gonna kill somebody tonight. We won't let you get hurt.
00:55:19
Speaker
It's okay. I got the drugs. You just had to win one fight and then lose the second one. Finalin crushes the drugs immediately.
00:55:35
Speaker
Finalin stops with the drugs just before her face and wipes her little nose. I think I don't have a best friend anymore.
00:55:46
Speaker
What? What happened? What do you mean? Bella's really mad at me because I keep trying to get... I keep her almost dying and she doesn't want me to die. And now I'm here and I'm maybe good' gonna die. You're not gonna die. No, what if I die? You won't die. Bella will be so mad at me if I die. You won't die.
00:56:07
Speaker
As your coach, I'll throw in the towel if it looks like you're going to get hurt at all. Yeah. Okay, please resuscitate me. If anyone says DNR, and tell them it's not true. We can, ah we can bring you back if you go down. I don't care how messed up I am. I don't care if I'm literally just a pair of eyeballs in a nervous system. You must resuscitate me. Yes. Well, you're going to win the fight anyways. You're going to win and then we can talk to Fallow again afterwards. She'll see.
00:56:37
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. It'll be fine. I'm really strong. She's being, you know, she's not being reasonable. Okay. She knows what's at stake for me. So it's really not cool of her to be, to do this on a day that's really important to me because I've never pit fighted. It's my pit fighting debut and she had to ruin it and make it about her. So really, I'm glad she's not here. I didn't even care. Let's just go. Let's just fight. Give me the drugs.
00:57:06
Speaker
Let's do it. You'll do it. Now put this on. Ooh, a new frog? You'll see. Okay. Causton, dress me. He was not here. Don't look at it, then. Causton is dead. Put the robe on so we can have a sick reveal when you're in the ring. Causton's dead. Fatherland! Fatherland! Fatherland! Crombeck! Yes, ma'am.
00:57:35
Speaker
Sorry I called you Calston. And also sorry about your friend. I assume you were friends. Well, he was famously a shitter, as they say. You know, f***ing said that, actually, so it's probably not even true, because I was full of nonsense today. Anyway, can you help me put this on? I'm not allowed to look at it.
00:57:51
Speaker
I'm really just here for security, but man, come on. We all wear hats. Okay. There's four of us. I'm so just not comfortable giving a relationship, a professional that is. Geez, you're 20, grow up. You're 28 years old. Okay, fine. That's pretty normal age for a dwarf, I suppose. Kind of the long life of a dwarf and the shortened life of an orc. Yeah. All right then.
00:58:21
Speaker
What are we working with? I'm not allowed to know, but typically, like I can say- I want to save the reveal for the ring. Yes, and the other half of the equation is just like a standard body.
00:58:32
Speaker
No accommodations, thank you. Sure. He pulls out a burlap sack and throws it over your head. You don't know where he's been keeping that thing. You don't know why he has it in the first place. But he sacks you and then pulls out a tasteful curtain. And he's got really deep pockets. And you hear zips and zaps and zoops and Fonlin's in some new clothes, but we don't know what they look like yet. And Fonlin still has a bag over her head.
00:59:00
Speaker
No, she puts a roal in is weeping openly into the bag put the robe on over it. He puts on the robe over top of the mystery clothes, yeah takes off the sack, you see Fondland's crying, and but la screen wipe to outside, weave and flow. Let's get after it. Take this, I can hand over the drugs.
00:59:23
Speaker
Well, hold on. We don't know how many fights are before. Let's get in there and then you take it just before the fight. Well, she should hold on to it. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. I thought you meant like take it right now. Like, whoa. I believe they meant take in a more traditional manner, sort of take possession off rather than administer to oneself. Okay. Yes. Thank you, Kromberg. You're welcome. I used to work in human resources.
00:59:47
Speaker
Oh. That's interesting. They fired me because I'm a dwork. Oh. no And you are inside. Wow. These screen wipes are getting less effective as you move about five feet into this building. yeah donal andda Were we just there? don't butddle itda Yes, sure enough, you enter Weave and Flow.
01:00:41
Speaker
Annalyn is sniffling the whole way down. you You got this, Annalyn. You got this. Shake it off. I take out tissues and I wipe your face for you, and I reapply eyeliner. No, thank you. I was going to say, don't smear my makeup, but I guess that's kind of the point.
01:00:58
Speaker
It's fine. I do. i Okay. i I'm sick of being sad. I didn't want to be sad. followed This is my debut and Fanno doesn't get to ruin it for me. So can somebody just tell me that I'm going to do a really good job and that I'm really strong? You're really strong. You're going to win this. You're really strong and you're fast. That's what's going to help you take this to a next level. I'm so fast. Okay. Thank you. That's literally all I needed to do. I don't know why it was so so hard for Fanno to say it.
01:01:25
Speaker
Okay, when can I do the drugs? Can I do them now, please? Well, let's see when we're fighting and then then you can knock them back. And trust me, when you hear me introduce you, you're gonna you're goingnna be fired the fuck up.
01:01:40
Speaker
Yeah, I'm gonna be fired up and then I won't die. And then Fallow will see that she was really mean for nothing. So nobody say Fallow. The next person to say Fallow again gets in trouble. Big trouble. Nobody say it. I don't want to stand think of her. What if we're talking about the Fallow of the Fields?
01:02:00
Speaker
I thought you were waiting outside. I just thought yeah and i just thought that would be more sense if I came along. okay that Well, I did my best to stop you from doing this by saying, maybe don't do this. And so I feel like that's enough deniability plausible. Perhaps one might say, anyway, shall we head inside? Yes, let's get to it. You step through this revealed passageway.
01:02:28
Speaker
And the wooden creaky floor of Weave and Flow gives way to a hard-packed dirt,
01:03:09
Speaker
and you step inside. All right. What's the feel like? What's the energy in here? The quiet of the dilapidated fabric store above gives way to this bustling, almost tavern feel. There's this large bar with big crates of dark liquor and heavy beer. There is maybe three dozen people of various makeups walking about You see humans and dorks and tieflings and a couple goblins. One has a hand on the table and is taking a knife and stabbing quickly between each finger. And then as he's doing so, he stabs right through his ring finger and screams and it just severs it and his companion grabs it and just eats it.
01:03:57
Speaker
ah There is a cage and inside there is a appears to be a panther or some large dark cat that's sort of pacing back and forth, occasionally growling if somebody steps too close. And at the center of it all is a a ring, a octagon to be precise. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. As you look around, you look up up at the ceiling and you see above this octagon attached to a series of pulleys.
01:04:29
Speaker
is what appears No, stop. Are you stress eating right now? Where did you get this snacks? I don't know. That guy was nibbling on something at that table and I thought it looked okay. Is that a finger? but He smiles at you and is just, his mouth is filled with this green finger. Perfectly perfectly. No, no, no, no, no, no. get fallen damn You're okay. You're going to kill in there.
01:05:12
Speaker
Why did she, like I just don't understand why I, I literally, I like, I was like, follow, can you tell me I'll do a good job? Glimky slaps her. Yeah. Glimky jumps up and like does like a 360 spin to, in order to reach funneling space. But sure enough, wow faland I need you to pull your shit together. All you need to do is get in that ring slash cage thing. The cage is new.
01:05:38
Speaker
and fight. And then after that, all our problems are solved. We have cash, we get the key back, and then we head off to the anchor's chain. This is just a small stop on a long journey. You're going to get hung up on Phonolyne being mad. Guess what? She's going to get mad again because we're going to the anchor's chain. And after the anchor's chain, we're probably going somewhere else. And to be honest, this is going to be a perilous journey for a long time. Just a week ago, we were dealing with a dragon.
01:06:06
Speaker
You think if she could have stopped you there, she she would have cried her eyes out about that too. She's only crying because she cares. And look, we all care about you. But right now, we need you to do your job and as a get in that ring and beat whoever you're fighting's ass. I feel like fallow acts like I'm only a lady and I am a lady, but I'm also an adventurer. You're right. We met a dragon.
01:06:34
Speaker
We fought a dragon. We're cool. We're brave. I didn't die on top of the carriage. And do you know why I didn't die? Because, okay, I had backup, but also because I was really clever and brave and scrappy and I double drug demand and then shoved Saviche up his ass. And Fanlin's voice is carrying, by the way. Anyone nearby would have hear heard her borderline yell about how she double drug demand and shoved Saviche up his ass.
01:07:00
Speaker
And I'm gonna kill someone tonight. And then Fala will see that I'm not just a lady. I'm tough as hell. And also, she's not the only friend I have anymore. So she yeah should be nicer to me. Rawr!
01:07:18
Speaker
Okay. Let me at him. Wingman, I'd like to kill somebody now. Ding-a-ling-a-ling. Yes. Uh, yes. Fight coordinator, we'd like to kill someone. Yes, let me at him. As you say that, a copper dragonborn woman with these, it's hard to tell at first, some sort of engraving appears or like a tattoo. You're not really sure how dragonborns get tattooed, but with sort of this black bird engraved or tattooed onto each of her scales.
01:07:52
Speaker
So giving almost a mix of like black and copper dragonborn, steps forward with a small, tidy, like notebook ledger and says, ah yes, our scout told me about you. You are a newcomer, a noble fighter. That's her. I'm not just a noble. I'm also an adventurer and I'm going to kill somebody tonight. We'll see.
01:08:21
Speaker
Yeah, you will see. You will see his brain come out of his skull. You will see his blood explode out of his veins like they're awful sausages. You will see him shit his pants because people do that when they die. What she said. What she said. Everybody talks tough till they get punched in the face.
01:08:41
Speaker
Faunalyn punches herself in the face. Hard. What's your strength? Negative one at the moment. So you punch yourself as hard as you can for zero damage. Perfect. I punch myself as as hard as I can in the face. I assume it hurts Faunalyn a little. It hurts your hand. and I shake out my hand.
01:09:01
Speaker
You take psychic damage because you're shocked at how little power you have. That's not good for the confidence. And I look her dead in the eyes and say, actually, I'm still feeling tough. Very good. All right. Yes, you've really demonstrated your prowess. I have a series of questions for you to determine how this evening will go. yeah Number one. Man or beast.
01:09:28
Speaker
Oh, man. Actually, I should let my manager decide. I think man. Who's the man? And what's the beast? That is the next question. Are we looking for a singular show match? And I might say, given what I'm seeing here, perhaps that would be advisable. Or are you looking to enter the tournament?
01:09:52
Speaker
Uh, what's the deal with it? Yeah, let, out I should let my manager, it I'm just a talent. Go ahead. Do the fighters make cash per fight? Indeed. Now how much do they make for show fight? Depends on the caliber of the fight for someone such as you.
01:10:09
Speaker
Perhaps 10 gold pieces. Nice. And for the tournament? Increases with each round. Nice. 10 for the first, 25 for the second, 50 for the third. And if you are to win the third and become champion, then 100. Nice. All right. And what about the betting for, you know, for the patrons? What about the betting for the patrons? I'm just curious. Bets may be placed at the bar. right Signal to clay.
01:10:38
Speaker
Hit the bar. Okay. Tournament. You feeling up for it? Yeah. I'm going to kill multiple people tonight, I guess. I think we're bidding on finalist. Okay. Okay. Number one, kill someone.
01:10:53
Speaker
No, number one, I'm doing drugs. Number two, I'm killing someone. Number three, I'm going home with that lady's mom. Number four, I'm coming back, killing another person. Number five, I'm going to rip apart the beast with my teeth. Number six, i I'm going to show up and tell fallow that I was really, really tough. Okay. Let's take it one fight at a time. Click goes over to the bars, like all in on fall.
01:11:17
Speaker
So 10 gold pieces. I actually have, I think I have like, actually like 20 gold actually. So 30 total. Can we also put in like silverware? Or is it cash only? The barkeep.
01:11:35
Speaker
He's this man, just like this huge man, massive beer guy. He's wearing a vest that just like you know covers only a fraction of his otherwise shirtless upper body as opposed to shirtless lower body. Shirtless lower body as well, I guess, but not in the way that you might be thinking. He's wearing pants. He's Winnie the Pooh-ing. He yeah kind of scratches at his gut and says, cash only got no need for silver wares. Here we got plenty.
01:12:04
Speaker
And he points over at the two goblins and one's got now so playing the stabby game with the same hand and with a very sharp knife. Okay. Then just 30 gold. Who you better known then? On Lady Faunalyn. What are the odds?
01:12:21
Speaker
Well, I suppose that depends on who this lady faunalyn is fighting. And at that moment, the copper dragonborn woman walks up and says, Gerard, the lady faunalyn will be fighting. And she checks her notebook and says, Ty again, first round. Shall we set the odds at three to one? He looks at you and says, three to one, old zen.
01:12:49
Speaker
Okay. So if I bet 30 for her and she wins, I get 90 gold. No, that's right. Okay. um really There's only three rounds, right? So damn trying to do math. I can't do that. So you place your bet. He gives you a little, a little voucher, a little ticket and takes your money and points over at a,
01:13:18
Speaker
this little booth opposite side of the of the room. And there's this yeah this little booth and it's got a grate in front of it, you know barred off. And he says, you can collect your earnings there. Should you have any?
01:13:33
Speaker
Okay. Thank you. I go back to Faunalyn and Glimki. Okay. So she's fighting someone called Tygan first round. Dumb name sounds weak. Let's kill him. Odds are three to one. Oh, we needed a hundred to one, but this is the first fight. Yeah. Oh, okay. We have two other fights. We need three to one. And if the next one's three to one.
01:14:00
Speaker
Then we'll have 270 and then two, four, six, six, seven. with Okay. We need more than, we need more than three to one on at least one of these fights, preferably the third fight. Otherwise we won't make enough money. Okay. So how do we change the odds of the second? I'll pretend that I'm really on the ropes in the first fight or the second fight. Okay.
01:14:23
Speaker
Let's get through the first fight. Yeah. Okay. The first one I'll stunt on him a little when the odds might go, cause I guess if it's a tournament, if the other people win their fights too, they might look really impressive. So we'll see. Okay. We'll, we'll burn that bridge when we get to it. God knows I'll i'll burn any bridge. So, um, kill somebody time. Yeah. You feeling ready to kill someone?
01:14:46
Speaker
I feel like so ready to kill someone. get it you together the fun and I'm kill someone. It's gonna be great. You got this. Thank you. You got this. Thank you. Over the next 30 or 40 minutes, the room continues to fill. A larger and larger crowd begins to form. Probably 75, maybe even 100 people here.
01:15:12
Speaker
It's loud, it's crowded, it's hot, it's sweaty. People keep bumping into you, spilling tankards of ale. Couple smaller fights break out, quickly quashed one way or the other, and suddenly a gust of wind fills the room, blowing out all the candles, oh and then a single spotlight.
01:15:40
Speaker
appears in the center of the ring and in a sudden puff of smoke, a woman in a purple sequined suit, shaved head, and what appears to be a microphone of sorts steps forward and says, Hello, we've been flown. Are we ready for some action tonight?
01:16:07
Speaker
Woo! Crowd erupts into cheers, stomping a feet, clapping, screaming even. We've got a good night prepared for you fine folks. If you're ready for action, if you're ready for bloodshed, you've come to the right place. We've got the Tournament of Man beginning right away. We've got some old faces, we've got a couple new faces, all vying for the chance to go up against The bear himself. Are you ready? Crowd cheers again. In the moldy corner, coming all the way from Shark Island.
01:16:48
Speaker
wow the shock man And you see from one of the corners, stepping forward is this sahuigan. And this ah this fish man, he's got sort of these big frills on the side of his head. He bears his teeth, and these you see these sharp sharp fangs, just like almost like that of a shark. And he steps forward and jumps up into the ring, and there's this little splash of water that kind of shakes off of him. And he just pounds his chest a couple times.
01:17:21
Speaker
and the announcer says club she stops and looks at you and says Sorry, I'm in the middle of something. He's waving over the mic.
01:17:47
Speaker
how The crowd starts to boo. Give me a persuasion roll.
Krombeck's Surprise Fight
01:17:56
Speaker
16 plus four. twenty Okay.
01:18:01
Speaker
She looks at you for a long second. Just trust me. And then hands the mic over to you. He taps on it and there's a lot of feedback. He looks around the dark hazy room over at Fondland with her hood up in the shadows.
01:18:18
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce you to the challenger. Some of you may have already heard of her, but the whispered stories that you've been hearing do not tell the full story. Don't be fooled by her fragile demeanor or her powdered wig shielded by a paper thin parasol, because this flower has the words.
01:18:42
Speaker
oh Some may say a flower by any other name will not hit as hard, because after bloody brawls chasing dragons and surviving not one, but two assassination attempts, she decided instead of dying, she'd rather come here and kick some ass. She is the infamous, the unkillable. She is- The announcer takes the microphone back and says, come back, the lung crusher!
01:19:15
Speaker
wait And Krombech pushes past you and hops into the ring. And he just rips off his cloak, revealing just this hairy gray chest. Krombech, no!
01:19:29
Speaker
That's so funny. Oh my god, you're gonna have to fake Krombech. if he wins if he if he wins is that how it works i was in the shadows right i didn't get my introduction no if he cuts you off before you said the name and then the announcer takes a hand and just like shoots out a finger and you hear a ding ding ding and the two individuals move in The fish man stays low, attempts to like snatch at his ankles, tries to trip up Krombeck. Krombeck's low to the ground, though. He just kind of kicks his his feet loose every time, slides around him, and the two go at it. The fish man starts biting at him. He starts clawing at him, tries to sort slide around and put him in a choke hold. Krombeck just grabs onto him and throws himself backwards and lands on top of the fish man, just starts smashing his head backwards until his nose just
01:20:24
Speaker
ripples and starts to bleed and Krombeck uses that to shake loose and just kicks him in the ribs a couple times and then just, come on then, stands up and they go at it. They goes on, there's no bell.
01:20:40
Speaker
And he goes on for a good three, four, five minutes there looking tired. Jesus. Krombeck's stumbling on his feet. He kind of slips on some blood for a second. Fishman lunges at him one time and Krombeck just stands to the side, slides over, grabs him as he jumps past and just rams his shoulders down into the ground. Hits his head. Fishman is knocked out. The announcer goes, one, two. Does a 10 count.
01:21:11
Speaker
Our winner, Krombeck, the Lung Crusher! Krombeck does... Actually,
Faunalyn's Dramatic Introduction
01:21:16
Speaker
it's should have bet on Lung Crusher. Yeah, no, some warning would have been nice from Krombeck. What happened?
01:21:35
Speaker
I don't know, Faunalyn's fighting some guy called Tygen first, I think. Krombeck slips out. He like pushes up the ropes that are around this around this octagon and slides out and says, sorry about that. I ah saw an opportunity to make some cash and talk to that dragon bone woman and looks like it worked out. Anyway, I'm going to go grab a drink and good luck, I guess.
01:22:01
Speaker
Okay, so that's totally player-wise, my bad. I totally miss misheard the who was fighting first. And I love it. I actually love it so much. Wait, I'm so confused now. Was Krombeck in the tournament or did he just do one fight and then... Krombeck is in the tournament. Oh my gosh. Man, I'm so confused. That was a huge mistake.
01:22:24
Speaker
The two goblins that were playing stab hands earlier run into the ring and one has a mop and one has a bucket, and the one with the mop is just bleeding heavily from his severed finger and starts trying to mop it up and his blood's just mixing with the old blood. Eventually they get it sorted out, the ring is cleaned up a bit, and the announcer steps back in and says,
01:22:46
Speaker
All right, wasn't that something folks, we even flew, where you at? And the crowd just cheer and cheer and they're having, this is a good crowd. This is a good crowd and this is a good MC. And you know what? I'm not saying that just because of who I am in this little story. I think we all objectively agree. This is a good crowd and a good MC. She's doing a very good job. The crowd is into what she's doing and it's cool. She's a familiar face for all these parts.
01:23:31
Speaker
again. And you see this just lanky guy walks in he's kind of got just like really long arms like they those things they go all the way down and he's tall and he's kind of got that very like that just a skinny almost emaciated build and his hair is kind of slicked back with sweat and he pulls himself into the ring and just leans up against the ropes and looks very noodly and very relaxed And the announcer looks down at Glimpkin and says, all right, do you want to shoot your shot again? Give me the fucking thing. All right. And in the dirt corner, this little dude can't tell you about it, I guess. You heard the first part already. So I like lost my momentum. Father, I'm so sorry.
01:24:27
Speaker
I'm about the killing I'm gonna do. Yeah, right. Uh, killing. So, There's two, two assassination attempts. She's decided, oh, it's her dog. I'd rather come here and kick some ass. She is infamous. You've probably heard of her rat sex thing. She's unkillable. People have tried. um But I'll have you know that she is an animal, and she's going to be making this her page. And it may be noble blood that runs through her veins.
01:25:00
Speaker
And some of that blood may stain this canvas tonight, but I promise you that the only blood leaking from her will be from her knuckles after breaking that man's face. So I present you my friend, my confidant, my liege, Lady Funnelen the Phenom, the dog. Funnelen is genuinely amped by that speech, so when she saunters out and drops the robe and gets into a fighting stance, it's not even bravado.
01:25:30
Speaker
Can I describe the thing then? By all means. Ha ha ha. So, Fondland drops the, like, the fighter robe, and it reveals this, similar to what you've been wearing already, but this, like, corset with shoulder pads that look like layered rose petals, and they're coming out from this, like, dark green-colored blouse. And the corset itself is a dark shade of crimson and adorned with embroidered flowers of your homeland.
01:25:56
Speaker
She sports a set of wrist guards that bear leather thorns, as if they're at the stems of roses. And like the princess she is, she's wearing princess pants to match. Oh, that's so sick. Yes. Well, Fanlan actually looks cool for once. I don't think that's ever happened before. Clay screaming her head off. The multicolored, tringing dress was pretty rad.
01:26:20
Speaker
It's true. I did have a ah giant wig, but yeah. Do I get any kind of advantage for looking as sick as I do? Let's talk about the montage of it all. We are going to say that while you are not yeah the well while you're not wearing your traditional garb, that this outfit fashioned by Madame Fauvamol will serve as leather armor. Yes. So you can add 11 plus your dexterity modifier to calculate your AC. Okay. Are you taking the vial? My AC is better in this outfit than it's ever been. Hell yeah. Never take it off. Yeah. This is my outfit now. Hell yeah. Am I taking the vial? How's this guy look? He looks confident, but does he look strong? Yeah, I'm taking it.
01:27:11
Speaker
Final and wanted to do drugs. I'm taking it. I can cast
Battle with Tygen
01:27:14
Speaker
enhanced ability on you. It's, let me see what it is. Full strength. Target has advantage on strength checks. Is that what you need right now? Or do you want dexterity? ah Target has advantage on strength checks. Yeah. I can give you advantage on strength or advantage on decks. Give me advantage on strength. Okay. I cast it. It will last for an hour. I don't know how long the potion will last.
01:27:38
Speaker
Phoneline, you pop the cork. This thing smells foul. Give me a dexterity saving throw. well Oh. Oh. A dexterity saving throw. That's a 13. Just as you are about to down the contents.
01:27:52
Speaker
a tiefling woman bumps into you, and you quickly, like, you know, you manage to just hold on. She almost knocks it out of your hand. She says, hey, sorry, dear. Best look in the ring, then. And she wanders off, and you're able to down it. At the same time, Clay puts a hand on your shoulder and says a prayer. Now, sorry, Glimky, can you remind me, the sleeves? What's the sleeve policy on this little ensemble?
01:28:22
Speaker
Very good. Hey, my little noodly arms are out. The combination of whatever is in
01:28:38
Speaker
as you see these veins begin to darken and you see these these black lines run down each of Fondland's arms and her shoulders just kind of pop and her arms begin to bulge and her fists are almost as big as Krombex.
01:28:54
Speaker
And she is looking strong all of a sudden. And the guy, she's about to fight. He wipes his hair back from his but his face and his eyes widen. And you step into the ring. This is not going to raise the odds against her next fight. I feel like this is going to make her the... oh yeah Who knows? We do one fight at a time, gang. That's true.
01:29:22
Speaker
Could I get a initiative roll? Uh, but first, what's my opponent's name? Ty... Tiger? Ty... Reel? Tygen. Hello, Tygen. I heard you pooped your pants. Did you know corpses poop their pants when you die? So it's gonna happen again tonight. Hey, Mr. Stinky, let's go. And I put up my dukes. And that is N11 on initiative. He gets a 12. He walks up to you and extends a hand.
01:29:52
Speaker
Okay. um Can I get a surprise round in if I use his hand to pull him into my knee and sucker knee him in the gut? if You could if it weren't for the fact that he had the exact same idea. And I'm going to have both of you roll attack rolls to start things off.
01:30:15
Speaker
With strength, what is this? Yeah, so we are going to say for this, The enhance ability gives advantage on strength checks. An attack roll is not a strength check. I'm saying this for the audience. I'm saying this for the audience. Hey audience, you're a real 5E head. You're probably a good player. Probably a better DM. I understand. You understand. She gets advantage on the attack rolls. That's from the enhance ability spell. From the vial.
01:30:46
Speaker
You may use your dexterity modifier in place of your strength modifier for any and all unarmed attacks you make for the foreseeable future. Oh, nice. My dex modifier is plus three. So that just gave me a plus three to strength. I mean, so yeah, that's pretty, that's pretty great because it was a minus one. Okay. What did you get? So what do I add to hit your dexterity? Uh, that's a dirty 20. Okay.
01:31:15
Speaker
he got a dirty 20 so you are both going to connect with their opening attacks so you are going to do you know what hey hey you know what Call in an Audible, call in an Audible. Hey, hey, guess what? Brevity, brevity. We don't want to be rolling a million dice doing three hours of you bare-knuckle boxing a guy for four damage a pop. Simply don't want that. We are going to say, enhance ability, the strength potion thingy, whatever it was, your attacks are gonna do a D6 plus your dex. Sound good? yes That sounds good. In exchange, his will do the same.
01:31:56
Speaker
Wait, but so we're just hitting every time? When you're trying to hit, and you did hit. Okay, I see. It's just, you know, for the hit points of it all, right? We don't need to be rolling 10,000 attack rolls so that you can do, you know, four damage every time until you eventually knock three guys out. Yeah, that's nine damage. Okay, you two mirroring each other. You hit him for nine, you just knee him in the stomach. He needs you right back for eight.
01:32:21
Speaker
The wind is knocked out of both of your lungs. And I'd say you both kind of like collapse onto your backs for a second before pulling yourself up to your feet. Okay. I read the rules of my sneak attack and I need to be using a finesse or a ranged weapon. So I am going to cutting action, disengage, run over to the nearest, like reach over the ropes and grab a drink out of somebody's head. And Alice Cullen, high leg kick.
01:32:49
Speaker
pitch, throw this full chalice at my opponent to try to get sneak attack damage. An improvised ranged weapon? Yes. But I'm throwing it very hard with all my strength. Give me an attack roll. This is just dexterity regardless of your strength, I think. Oh, I'm rolling so well! That's a 21. And that's a d6 plus my dex. Plus your sneak attack. That's an 11. 11 damage.
01:33:15
Speaker
So he rolls over and grabs the ropes and pulls himself up just as a chalice hits him in the back of the head. And he just like slumps over, shakes his head and turns around and says, that's not allowed. You're not supposed to be able to use outside items. And the announcer says, but it would go with hell. We've been closed. Do we like it?
01:33:37
Speaker
Give me a charisma check. On a land that starts doing like, can I get advantage? Cause I start doing like the, Oh, poor little baby doesn't know when I took the ashes of air. I'm like having to the crowd though. That's exactly what you do. You win over the crowd. You can't get it into something you're doing by doing the thing you're doing. Okay. Cheering really loudly. Yeah.
01:34:04
Speaker
What are you doing to help, Clay? What what cheer are you doing? It's like, woo! Clay, make a charisma check of your own with disadvantage. And if you succeed on this, Fonlin will gain advantage. Woo was weak. Disadvantage? Oh, no. OK. Yes. I got a nine. Yeah, woo doesn't take off. Woo is not exactly like a ah chant that really gets the people people screaming. Fonlin, charisma check? That was a 13.
01:34:34
Speaker
13 was the DC. Oh. And the crowd starts to cheer. You hear one woo, a deafening silence, and then a general uproar as the announcer says, It is the people of Spokane! It is and At which case he pulls out a shiv. Oh no. And stumbles towards you. Okay.
01:35:00
Speaker
Does a 15 hit? You know it does. And, hmm, love these dice. The one and the seven are next to each other and shockingly similar. You would be disgusted. Anyway, and a seven will miss, regardless. I thought the 15 hit my AC. Oh yeah, he attacked twice. Oh, okay. And he is going to stab you for a whopping four piercing damage.
01:35:27
Speaker
as he's just like gonna walk up and just stab you in the shoulder. o I thought we were having a nice time, but it seems like somebody wanted to change the rules. Can I? Okay. Do you think we could scheme it so that my cunning action is like disengaging when the knife is still in my shoulder and slipping it out of his hand as I pull back with the knife still in me?
01:35:50
Speaker
I'll just let you make a contested athletics check to try and, uh, like, yeah, to try and just like knock his hand loose and pull the knife out yourself. You have advantage because of Bulls endurance. who It was a three. And then I, with advantage, it's a 19. So that's a 22. He gets an 11. So yeah, he holds onto the knife and you just twist out of the way, punch him in the wrist or you bla blast his wrist off.
01:36:17
Speaker
Let's try that one again. You blast his wrist. There's both. you should hit some so You smack him in the wrist and his hand just like pops open and he lets go of the knife and you pull back pulling the blade out and now it is yours.
01:36:33
Speaker
Cool,
Faunalyn's Victory
01:36:34
Speaker
bonus action, I'm gonna toss the knife up and do a little flip with it, catch it, and then lick my own blood off of it. and A dagger, or whatever this is, a shiv, is a finesse weapon, I assume, right? Okay, cool. I'm gonna do a cartwheel, one-handed, with dagger clutched behind my back. There's gotta be an athletics check or something. 100%, give me an acrobatics check, please. There's no way.
01:37:02
Speaker
That's another 19, I kid you not. That's a 22 for the cartwheel. Oh my god. We're playing fast and loose to times at Ridgemount High with the rules tonight. You complete this cartwheel and we will say this is what even permits the sneak attack in the first place because, you know, you need a source of advantage or he needs to be next to an ally. And we'll say this is he's just really surprised as we all are at what's happening here.
01:37:28
Speaker
Okay, so how big is this ring? Like, in feet? 15 across, maybe. Okay, so that means no matter where he's standing, assuming that Clay and Glinky are on the sidelines. Clay and Glinky are not running around the ring to be, like, aiding you in the fight. Because also, it's not just like, oh, he's standing next to my friend. It's like, you know, he's distracted by your ally. The cartwheel's working. I assume Glinky's in his ear, like, you're pathetic! We'll worry about that later. For now, the cartwheel's enough.
01:37:57
Speaker
Okay, the cartwheel was enough. I end the cartwheel by slapping him back. Oh my goodness. That's a 21 to hit. yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a sneak attack. So that's going to be, oh, that's only five damage. I rolled two ones on my damage there. You should be rolling three dice. D4, two decent. What? D4 from the, it's a deck, functionally. It's a one on the D4 also.
01:38:28
Speaker
Six damage. That's pretty hilarious. Yeah, that could have been, that could have been 16 damage and I got six. I got minimum damage. Okay, yeah. You stab him back and with his first attack he's going to attempt to grapple you. So make a contested athletics check or acrobatics, whichever you prefer. I feel like I have something where I'm hard to grapple, do I not? I think it's just my disengage. ah That's a 14.
01:38:54
Speaker
He has these long arms. He tries to like wrap them around you and sort of just tie you up and you just push him off. You slip loose. He's bleeding a lot from his shoulder. You are too. It makes for a slippery mess. No grapple happens. And with his second attack, he is just going to try and punch you hard as he can. Does a 14 hits. It does. It could be a gang.
01:39:21
Speaker
How many HP do you have? That's a secret. Well, you take six damage. good home Okay, Faunalyn coughs up some blood, but she's still up. Perfect. Yeah, he tries to grab you and then you twist loose. And as you're twisting around, you see just a fist coming to meet you and just send you a spin in the other direction. And it is your turn.
01:39:40
Speaker
Okay, I spin in the other direction and I get caught by the ropes and I do the thing where I'm like on the ropes for a second and I look like I'm out, but then I shakily climb my way up so that I'm standing on the rope. I am going to.
01:39:55
Speaker
Put out my hand for Clay to high five. Yeah, I slap a cure wounds on you. Oh, perfect. Oh, I just wanted to. I just wanted. I thought glin he couldn't reach me because I'm standing on a rope. I can reach. Clay, I want you to give me a sleight of hand with advantage as you cast the spell. o Oh, I rolled an 18 and a 19. 19.
01:40:22
Speaker
You see the hand, reach out, slap it, and get a Cure Wounds off. You don't think anybody saw you? Looked like a high five, probably, to most of the folks in this room. And just a level one Cure Wounds? Uh, yes. Okay. What does she get back? Seven. Oh! Snap!
01:40:42
Speaker
Nice. Faunalyn attributes her feeling better to just like the solid skin to skin. It was a good high five. Yeah. Faunalyn shoots a finger gun at Glimky who's on the other side of the ring and then somersaults in the air. WWE style. Oh my god, okay, well.
01:40:59
Speaker
lands on the man's... I'm manifesting it. She lands on the man's neck, like with her legs, so that she's kind of sitting on his neck for a second, and then she rolls forward so that she flips him onto the ground and ah stabs him also. Yeah, we're gonna do a contested athletics check again as you attempt to grapple this man and roll him onto the ground.
01:41:27
Speaker
Oh, that's not very good. That's an 8. That would be a 20 for him. Oh, no. Oh, damn. Yeah, this time he's he's seen your acrobatics before, and this time he just ducks. And you land on the ground, and you do a little somersault, you roll, you land on your feet, you turn around. You do not get the benefit of that little maneuver, but you can still make an attack. Okay, well, so will I have advantage on this attack?
01:41:53
Speaker
If you have advantage on—yeah, no, you got advantage from—sure, screw it. Yeah, no, fine. Yeah, I said what I said. Okay. That is gonna be a 15 to hit. That hits. Lovely. Oh, I rolled so—he's dead. He's done, he's done. So remember when I said that I thought the max number of damage you could roll was 16? I'm really bad at math. That's not remotely true because I just got 17 damage.
01:42:20
Speaker
That's not remotely true. I got one more. But I didn't even roll max damage on all the dice. Are you trying to kill him? That did talk a lot about trying to kill him. No, I think I think I talked so much talk about trying to kill him. Let me think. Let me think.
01:42:46
Speaker
Funnelin's being visited by her ancestors and they're guiding her. She's in slow motion. Funnelin has the dagger poised above his eye. Black and white flashbacks of just like screenshots of your life. hey but here's Okay, here's what I'm weighing, gang. Here's my metrics. You don't get to talk it out with them. Oh my God. ah This is a hard choice. yeah Okay, okay, okay, okay.
01:43:10
Speaker
I bring the knife in and I make one slash kind of, but it's like a light. Like I graze him lightly and then I let him kind of like push the dagger off, but I'm also like in control of it. You know what I mean? Like I'm so confident in my ability to end this fight in the moment that I, I'm maneuvering comfortably. And then I push him back.
01:43:32
Speaker
and over his chest where I've scratched him, I have cut into his clothes and a little bit into his skin a sloppy F. yeah Can I say, I said I'm gonna kill somebody tonight, but frankly, you're not worth the effort. Yield. ah you I I like sprint over to Glimky and I'm like, did you see that? You did. You did it.
01:44:02
Speaker
I'm so Oh, a fellow could see me now. She'd probably die of a heart attack. But beyond that, oh, she would be so full of regret. Oh. You did it. Should I just do this? Should I skip the noble thing and just do that? I'm bad at the noble thing. I'm good at this. jumped I the rope. Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty impressed.
01:44:32
Speaker
noble fighter. Lady Fonolin, the phenom, they talk. There is a glorious cheering. Phenom, phenom, phenom, phenom. Fonolin instantly
Strategizing for the Next Fight
01:44:46
Speaker
joins in.
01:44:48
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, the crowd picks it up. They pick up what you're putting down. Phenom, phenom, phenom. Hell yeah. And you may collect your winnings at the booth. Sick. Coming up, a fight between...
01:45:05
Speaker
And the two goblins run into the arena and one snaps his broom in half and is trying to stab the other within the others, is wearing the blood bucket as a helmet. And they go at it for a while long enough for you to catch your breath and you step out of the ring. Cool. Uh, Clay, my bones hurt. Can you fix me again? Yeah. thanks buddy Can I hit her again with the Cuboons? Yeah. If you got the spell slots for it, go for it. Ooh, nine this time.
01:45:34
Speaker
Nice. I feel like I should save my leon hands maybe for later. lamp I only need two hit points to be back up to full. Okay, well then I'll give you two. Nice.
01:45:47
Speaker
What is your lay on hands? What is the sensation of the lay on hand school? The sensation. I imagine that I taste like dirt in my mouth. Sure. Yeah. I was going to describe it like yeah he rubs his feet on the carpet. That is the hardwood floor of this Taffern and then zaps you with a like a static shock when his fingers touch you. He charges it up. But the the plant thing was smart.
01:46:12
Speaker
yes That was a fun fight. Do we got to do another one? Yeah, that was a real like wrestling match. Yeah, damn. Shit, you got hella acrobatica. Yeah, it was cool. I haven't done a cartwheel in forever. Like I kind of, I didn't grow up on a, in a farm town, but I like spent most of my young adulthood in one and there's really not anything to do. So the kids just like,
01:46:36
Speaker
You're just playing the fields. I haven't done a cartwheel in like a year. You crushed it. Yeah. The pants really suit you. Yeah, the princess pants are really good. I like them. The flip didn't work out how I wanted it to. I can blend the flip. It was still cool as hell. Thank you, guys. People don't like me when I talk to them, but people like me when I am violent. So maybe I should be that. Well, don't get too used to it.
01:47:03
Speaker
I'm so good at it though like get me back in there coach and I spit out some more blood and then say grab ah an ale front like out of the hand of a nearby person and slam it and hand it back yeah and like flinch them yeah exactly two for flinching and I hold up both middle fingers So the fight rages on between the two goblins. What is the money strategy? I will say the dragonborn, the copper dragonborn, she walks up to you fondling and hands you a platinum piece and says, uh, congratulations. Quite the surprise. And walks away. How much is a platinum? 10 gold.
01:47:49
Speaker
Okay. So plus the winnings, we have a hundred gold. Yeah. You go for your your winnings. There's this old gnomish lady hunched over on a stool and she carefully counts out the pieces and puts them in a small little sack and slides them to you.
01:48:07
Speaker
So, what are the odds for the next fight? Are you fighting Krombeck? Or are you fighting one of those janitors? I don't know. I guess we ask. but who Who should we ask? The Dragonborn lady? The Dragonborn lady. I don't know. yeah You're kind of the money person now. I don i just carved my niche into someone's boob. but Don't make me handle finance as well. Okay, I go back up to the bookie. What was that? I'm like, hey, what are the odds for Phonolin's next fight?
01:48:34
Speaker
Well, the way I see it is the fighting noble and the long crusher are both ah newcomers. They don't have an established pedigree. It seems to me that she thought a tad better. His was more of a protracted battle of attrition. So I'd say she's probably three to two favorites. Oh.
01:49:02
Speaker
oh And she's fighting Kromback, the lung crusher, next? Yes, that's right. Oh, man. Dang it. Wait, so if I bet 100 gold pieces and she wins, what do I get back? I can't i don't know how betting works. You'd get 150. What the fuck? 150. That's not enough, man. Wait, how much money? did She also won money from the fight, right?
01:49:27
Speaker
A hundred gold is total, including the 10 gold. Oh, that is that. Oh, shit. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Wait. So the 90 gold I get back, is that plus the 30 gold I bet? That is total. You put in 30 total. You got 90. Okay. So if I put in 100, I get 150. Yeah. You'd 1.5 X your money. And if I bet on Krombeck, how much money would that be if he won?
01:49:55
Speaker
Hey, hey folks at home. Hey, you're a really, you're a really good player. You're a really smart and clever and intelligent DM. You're probably a really good partner. Maybe a good child, maybe a good parent. I don't know your life story. And you're probably really good at gambling and betting odds. So let us know in the comments what the opposite of three to two odds is. It'll be a three X payout again. We'll say ah three to one for for the long crusher.
01:50:23
Speaker
Yeah, it'll be 3x. I'm kind of just, uh, if Lucina doesn't tell me what the odds are, I kind of just go off my gut. And, uh, where I see it, your friend looks healthy. The long crusher looks pretty gassed. And, uh, I think she's more likely to win. Hmm. You need to make more money off this somehow. So if I bet on Kromback, how much am I getting? 300? If he wins 300, yeah.
01:50:51
Speaker
And it's still not enough. Damn it. I think we just have to take the best money one and then take me to the third round, right? I think I have to win this one. I think you have to bet on me winning and I need to win so that we can go to the third round and try to make more money. Yeah, but if I bet on you and you win, it's only 150. Well, I wonder who the other finalist will be. Yeah. Maybe that'll be the odd difference. Wait, wouldn't the finalist be one of the janitors?
01:51:20
Speaker
Yeah. Oh no. They just keep the crowd warm. Oh no. The finalist is the bear guy, right? Okay. Well then, then yeah, she's got to win. Let's just bet on her to keep winning. And then we'll make, hopefully the big jump in percentage will be the last one. So we'll take the winnings from that round, the winnings from the bet. And then hopefully it's a big jump. Okay. It's actually good cause ground back can't punch me without me getting inspired.
01:51:46
Speaker
yeah We could also just tell him like, Hey man, like throw the fight. Don't, don't tell him to throw. He's paid to protect me. He's going to punch me in the face and just be a paradox and he'll have a brain aneurysm must punch, but must protect. There's a bit of a line for him. And so, uh, you got a bet or no. Okay. A hundred gold on lady final and All right then. He takes your your little sack of coin and writes you another ticket and slides it over to you. Best look. Thank you. The
Krombeck's Theatrical Defeat
01:52:21
Speaker
goblin fight wraps up and shortly thereafter the announcer once again appears at the center of the ring.
01:52:39
Speaker
two newcomers to the ring. Two newcomers enter. One newcomer leaves.
01:52:56
Speaker
in the mold corner, weighing in at don't know, didn't ask, and coming in at not very tall, inches, crump back, the love crusher!
01:53:07
Speaker
And Krombeck starts to work his way through the crowd. He's still shirtless, just super hairy chest. You see a few signs, like we heart Krombeck. And then like someone's got like an accordion that looks like lungs and he keeps like squeezing it. You're like, when when did that get made? And in the other corner, she looks at Glimke for a long time.
01:53:37
Speaker
Oh, now I'm allowed to The crowd starts to boo. You know her already. The flower of the forest, the noble vedarch. That's good. That's decent. I think I did a better job. Yeah, you did a way better job. No contest. I saunter out and I say, Krombeck, it's such a shame about today's fight, because if you win, you'll lose your job. Anyway. Give me an intimidation roll.
01:54:07
Speaker
Do I get advantage because he was talking earlier about how he didn't want me in a fighting ring and didn't want me to get hurt? Because if I get hurt, he gets in trouble. Oh my goodness. Okay. You've already been stabbed. I think that ship has sailed. actually That's a natural 20 plus a five.
01:54:23
Speaker
You know how at UFC fights, I know Prima, big UFC head, you know how at UFC fights they do like the weigh-ins, they do the press thing and the two fighters always like stand really close to each other and they mean mug. And then everyone's like, they hate each other so much. They're really going to fight and they're really going to try and kill each other. Maybe someone like tries to throw a punch there and everyone's like pulling them apart. Love the hype machine.
01:54:42
Speaker
You two start doing that. You know you like lean down, get in his face. He's looking up at you. He's just like odors wafting off of him. He reeks. Stinky. and He leans in close to you and says, give me 20%. I'll throw the fight. No, we can't afford to lose money on this fight. but Anything, any any any any coin I make over a thousand gold pieces is yours.
01:55:05
Speaker
20% if you make under anything you make over a thousand, if you make more than All right, make an attack roll. And thus begins an attack roll? We can't just theatrics this one out. I want to pile drive him. The wizard takes the microphone and just hurls it across the wizard. The announcer, they've got a magic. They clearly have some magic. The announcer throws their microphone. The ring wizard. And it hits it hits the the bell and it goes ding, ding, ding, and it explodes into a shower of flowers. And the fight begins. You want to pile drive Krom back, lung crusher.
01:55:45
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Give me a performance roll. That's a 10. Describe your pile driver. I do some crowd work, I amp up the crowd, and then I slowly climb up the ropes, and I shake my little tushy in Krombeck's face, and then I bounce twice on the rope, and while I'm up there, I cross myself, which Catholicism, I think, canonically exists here. I think he's published in, like, session two that it does. And I bounce, I'm pretty sure we did. I cross myself. I bounce twice, lookin' like the Kreese door and F door, and then I
01:56:22
Speaker
Mario jump into the air and bring my elbow down onto Krombeck's trapezius, collapsing him to the ground. Krombeck gets a natural 19 on his performance roll and goes, oh no, I've been bested. And flops over. The crowd is stunned, silent.
01:56:48
Speaker
You feel a sudden fleck of blood on your face as a single goblin with a missing finger begins to slow clap, just spraying you with each each round of applause. And then the crowd gets in and they go, yeah, yeah.
01:57:05
Speaker
yeah Wahoo! Wahoo! They say, we like WU now. We've come around to WU. Yeah, WU is good. WU is good. WU is good. WU underrated, yeah. Oh, it's so silly. The announcer says,
01:57:31
Speaker
And Krombeck stands up and brushes himself off and slips out of the ring and everyone's like, wait, what? And the fight ends. Cool. Nice. Okay. Next fight. I feel amazing. egg Clay, you go collect your earnings. You get your 150.
01:57:50
Speaker
So it's 150 plus she gets 25 for the second fight, right? Yeah. So 175 total. Nice. Okay. So the odds for this last fight have to be like 10 against you. Should I fake an injury and be like, Oh no, I've lost an arm. I can't fight well, but I still will. Well, we'll see how big this bear guy is. Okay. See, you okay. I asked the bookie, what are the odds for Faunalyn's next fight against the champion?
01:58:20
Speaker
Well, the Bears won the last five tournaments. Well. Five tournaments, five to one. ah So five times 175. Still not enough. It'd be 875. 875 plus you get 150 for winning? 50 for participating, 100 for winning. Not additive. ah So it's just plus 50.
01:58:48
Speaker
Oh, so if you win, you'll be at 975. Okay. So we have to give crime. No, but we have to give crime back 20%. 975 gold pieces short. So we're actually getting 780 gold. How do we get the extra? That's 200 gold pieces are missing. There's gotta be way to get extra. How do we get extra out of this? We just need 26 additional gold pieces on our winnings.
01:59:16
Speaker
Can you, oh, sweet, make the bet more complicated. Be like, if the bear, be like, this is how bidding works. Be like, if the bear at some point wears a silly hat, then we get an extra 50. I think she's going to take them down in three slashes, you know, that kind of thing. I see. Oh my God. She's winning by knockout. Yeah. What are the odds of funneling winning by knockout?
01:59:42
Speaker
How am I gonna knock someone out? ah Someone that's won five tournaments so far? ah heard
Showdown with the Champion
01:59:48
Speaker
do you doing We just have to bet on you winning. No, we need to, we need to sweeten the deal. Any obscure little thing, I can make it work. If it's by knockout, then by God, I'll knock him out. I'll shove drugs up his nose, but I'll knock him out.
02:00:01
Speaker
Zach, I think you should edit that out because I am going to shove drugs up this guy's nose and I think we should leave it a surprise for the audience. Sorry, my brain kind of froze trying to do parlay odds. Yeah, we can edit that out, but maybe we won't. Who can say? What was the last question or actionable piece of dialogue presented to me? What are the odds of like doing a parlay that to get hurt by knockout? Alright. What can get us eight to one odds? That should be enough, right?
02:00:30
Speaker
8 to 1. You tell me, what do you got in mind? Knockout win. She's winning by knockout. I don't think that's enough for 8 to 1. That seems like a pretty sharp increase for something she just did in the previous round. Yeah, but not against a five-time champion. Yeah, she's a newcomer. She found a nobody just now. Yeah, two nobodies. Knockout and...
02:00:58
Speaker
And? She hits the first strike. Oh my goodness. Easy. Okay, a first strike and knockout is eight to one. What's just knockout? Six. No, I'm not, I'm not doing nods on just a knockout. Like I said, she just did that. Okay, first strike and a knockout. She can do that. Let's do it. And because I believe in ethical betting, if she gets punched first, you lose the bet.
02:01:27
Speaker
Just to be clear. Oh, you don't get to have a full run? Oh, shit. It's all bundled together. Well. Hey, kids. I bet you're really good at gambling. I'm not. Only ever won digital blackjack. Which I don't trust. If it's on a screen, it's probably mean. I watched Uncut Gems though, and so that's what I know about parlays. Anyway. 8 to 1. First strike. Knockout.
02:01:57
Speaker
Hmm. Well, all right roll. Well, okay. Yeah, we're doing it 175 gold pieces for eight to one odds <unk> She gets the first hit and she knocks him out Got to yourself a bet He takes your money, gives you a slightly more convoluted ticket, and back in the main, he gives you a beer. He just slides you just this thick, dark ale. You might need this. And he gives that to you, Clay. The announcer steps into the ring for one more time and says,
02:02:40
Speaker
All right, so far folks, we're just getting started. First up, we've got the
02:03:09
Speaker
There's one guy with an accordion that he's just like stomped on the ground as making accordion noises every
02:03:41
Speaker
individual steps forward. He's big, he is bulky, he's wearing a cloak and a bear mask over his face. And he steps through the crowd, and just with a single jump, jumps over the ropes, lands in the middle of the ring, and just pounds his chest a couple times.
02:04:01
Speaker
And then he cocks his head and looks down at you, Faunalyn. And you hear the voice of Ulvren Rothbard say. Lady Vadok? Fuck. And that's where we'll stop tonight's episode of Bardso. Shit. Should've saw that coming. Yeah. Damn it. We should've saved the wrestling one for this week.
02:04:52
Speaker
If you're liking the show, we would appreciate some more five-star reviews. We're crazy for them. We love them so much. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Give me more
02:05:19
Speaker
new episode in two weeks. We'll see you then. Bye. let it go okay who might you be fighting faland's fighting the tournament yeah that was a crazy question i'm sorry let's try out one again i've got a high space and then asked a question that made no damn sense