Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Chapter 0 - Faunalyn's Story
64 Plays7 months ago
In case you were wondering if Faunalyn was always this way... the answer is yes, from the very first moment.
Meet the cast:
Dungeon Master – Zach Meikle (IG: @zachabee)
Clay Campbell – Prima Zhao (IG: @primbdraws)
Faunalyn Vaydark – Shannon Meikle (IG: @sharsharbinks)
Glimki Treefellow – Jordan Johnsen (IG: @jordan_johnsen)
Editing by Zach Meikle
Follow the show:
X @bard_soup
Instagram: @bard_soup
TikTok: @bard_soup
Music & Ambience
Music: Beyond the Horizon by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Celebration by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Autumn Walk by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Red Baron's Theme by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: The Expanse by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: String Interlude E by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Schubert - Wanderer - 4. Movement, D 760 - Arranged for Strings by Gregor Quendel from Pixabay
Music: Schubert - Impromptu, Op 142, No. 2 - D 935 - Arranged for Stringsby Gregor Quendel from Pixabay
Music: Schubert - Impromptu, Op 142, No. 3 - D 935 - Arranged for Strings by Gregor Quendel from Pixabay
Music: Untold Stories by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Echoes of Valor by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Vetur Frosti by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Music: Witch Mountain by Tim Roven
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Additional sounds provided by Pixabay
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Chapter Zeros'
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey there, kids. This is Dungeon Master Zack popping in at the front of the episode to tell you what the heck's going on. You were expecting chapter 12? Well, joke's on you. We've gone back in time to chapter zero.
00:00:15
Speaker
As it so happens, it's summertime. People are real busy right now, so we're taking just a little bit of a mid-summer break on new episodes, but what we do have in the meantime is three chapter zeros. One for each of our characters, Faunalyn, Clay, and Glimky. And this was a one-on-one session that I ran with each of them before the events of chapter one, before the main story begins.
00:00:44
Speaker
I think you will have noticed throughout the past 11 episodes that at various points we have referenced individuals or moments that you the audience have not been privy to and I think these three chapter zeros will peel back the layers on that just a little bit.
Faunalyn's Origin Story
00:01:04
Speaker
Did you ever want to know how Han Solo got his vest?
00:01:09
Speaker
or how Mike and Sully met at Monsters University? Well, this is that. We have, this is the Monsters University of episodes, so this is chapter zero, Faunalyn's story, where you will see us meet Faunalyn for the first time.
00:01:25
Speaker
There's a few things that we're still figuring out. There was a few things we were still figuring out at this point. Some pronunciations are a little different. Some of the geography and political structure of the world wasn't fully fleshed out at that point, but nothing too major. The bones are strong. It's a strong skeleton. And
00:01:48
Speaker
It's a lot of fun, so hope you enjoy. We'll be doing this for the next few weeks, so this week will be Phonolin's story, next week will be Clay's story, and the week after that will be Glinky's story, and then we will be back with Chapter 12 after that. So, hope you enjoy. Alright, now, where were we? Ah yes, that's right.
Character Details and Clarifications
00:02:10
Speaker
Sorry, I know I usually wait until the end of this part to speak up, but I have a couple of questions.
00:02:21
Speaker
Clark was interrupting more and more frequently, giving notes where ever he thought the story could stand to be improved. It was driving Ptolemy Henkel mad, but it was also prolonging the story in a way he hadn't anticipated. And that was something he didn't mind at all. Yes, Clark? Who was that guy? At the end of the last chapter? The one with the excessively creepy voice?
00:02:50
Speaker
Wouldn't call it excessive, but... That was Lord Hamlet Pilton. Yeah, him. You keep bringing him up, but haven't actually explained who he is. And what about those other novels that Farland seems to know? What's the deal with that? And how does she get her signature umbrella? Tell me that for a minute.
00:03:15
Speaker
It was a little gauche, but it seemed like his audience was primed for it. He might be able to prolong things quite nicely with a prequel chapter. Ahem. I see. I've done a terrible job. I thought these various little background pieces would fall into place on their own, but it seems like they've suddenly become quite important. Perhaps we ought to go back to the beginning.
00:03:45
Speaker
No, a time before the beginning.
Setting the Scene in Erdening
00:03:48
Speaker
A time when there were no missing princesses, nobody had been torn in half, and Glimpy Treefellow had never even set foot in the great city of Ardeny. A time when men were men, and we used to be a country. Sorry, what was that last bit? Sorry, where was I? Ah yes, a time before the beginning.
00:04:25
Speaker
Come gather round travelers and sit on the stoop We'll tell you a story about Batsu Three lovable scamps in our traveling troop We'll tell you a story about Batsu
00:04:56
Speaker
It's super time! Our story begins in Erdening, a beautiful city on the tip of the Boskala Peninsula. It is the crown jewel
00:05:18
Speaker
of what is referred to by many as the Crown Lands and by others as the Trident. A sort of pronged stretch of land that pushes into the elsuin ocean and is comprised of a wide variety of people. You have
00:05:37
Speaker
common folk that fish the oceans. You have others that will mine or venture into the the mountains to the south, the Atum Mountains. You have
00:05:51
Speaker
nobles who live in beautiful estates kind of spread out throughout this realm. You have pirate queens to the east who have managed to form a society of their own, which is part of the Wascola Ternian, which is a term that refers to three leaders or three pillars of power, essentially.
00:06:15
Speaker
and we find ourselves in Ardanino. It is a beautiful city comprised of all manner of people. It's a coastal city. There's people that have come in from all around Zav and have gathered here. It is also a hub of nobility
Faunalyn's Social Interactions
00:06:31
Speaker
and culture and the arts and everything that to someone such as you makes life worth living.
00:06:38
Speaker
You came here, but a few weeks ago, after a lengthy stay at Bernal Manor, which is the home of Viscount and Viscountess, Kazarin and Amala Berthold. You've been staying with them, you've been their guest, and a few weeks ago they informed you that they had made the decision to summer in the city, to go to Erdenin and to summer there, and they have a
00:07:07
Speaker
vacation home not a grand estate but you know a property that they own there that they have maintained in their absence and you have traveled it's been you know probably let's say a couple weeks on the road at the very least a week and a half like it's a pretty long journey from where you were to uh where you are now and life has been a series of dinners and balls and
00:07:31
Speaker
galas and garden parties ever since you have arrived. This is a thriving city. There is always something going on in all hours of the day.
00:07:41
Speaker
whether it is a social gathering, an arts exhibit, a new magical display of arcane prowess that a local sorcerer or wizard has developed or created, there's always something happening in Erden. And as we go into the summer villa of Viscount and Viscountess Berthold, we are introduced to
00:08:10
Speaker
A elven woman. Would you describe to me what she looks like and who she is? Absolutely. So my name is Faunalyn Vaydok and I am quite a distinguished looking lady. The first thing you would notice about Faunalyn perhaps is her tall sort of powdered Victorian wig or maybe be confused by the fact that
00:08:39
Speaker
She is by all appearances quite young, but she's kind of got this old lady thing going on. Like she has these tiny little round glasses with purple colored glass kind of perched low on her nose that kind of keeps sliding down. She has, as I mentioned, a towering powdered wig.
00:08:56
Speaker
that she is never seen without. She's adorned with pearls and pins and bows and has curls just kind of cascading around. And she is wearing rather, rather flouncy clothes for lack of a better word. She's got poofs, she's got frills, she's got lace, she's got buttons, she's got pinstriped socks, she's got elegant little boots. And she is carrying almost at all times with her as well a lacy parasol that she keeps with her
00:09:25
Speaker
she sleeps with it near her bed. If you were to wipe away the powder that she powders her nose and face with, you would probably see a little spray of freckles, but she covers those up pretty well with powder, and her eyes as well are sort of a ambery green, a hazel, if you will. Amazing. Yes. Oh, and she is an elf. And she is an elf. Probably should have said that at the outset. It's okay. I said it at the outset.
00:09:51
Speaker
Ah, okay, good. Well, she is an elf. She's a youngish elf. I love that, and I love her. I would like to offer up one minor amendment or correction, if you'll permit me. You do not have this parasol, for you have not received it yet. Give me my fucking umbrella. No. I want my umbrella.
00:10:17
Speaker
Maybe you'll earn it, or maybe you won't. But you won't have one at this time. When you see Faunalyn, the first thing you're going to think is, goddamn, she should have a flouncy umbrella to go with her flouncy outfit. It would be really tight to look together. And it really just is bonkers that a lady of her priorities is in the sun, unprotected from the sun's harsh aging rays. But it's fine.
00:10:45
Speaker
That's fine. That's fine. Yeah. So when, if, when, so ever a parasol should fall into her hand, know that it will be poetic and cathartic.
00:10:54
Speaker
Of course. We are joining Fonglin on a warm summer's day and it is, I would say late afternoon and you are getting ready because you have been invited along with your hosts of this past year, the birth holds, you have been invited to Humiliation House.
00:11:23
Speaker
Would you like to make a history check for me? I would very much like to and I hope that I roll high. Okay, that is a first roll ever as Faunalyn. Yeah, that's a 12 plus zero to history. That's okay. A 12 is enough. Uneducated elf, shame for shame.
00:11:44
Speaker
You're living in a new part of the world, this new city. You don't know everybody, but with the 12, I would say that you're aware of who your hosts are for this evening and what humiliation house means. This is the home of Baron Ramus Humiliation and his wife, the Baroness Lena Humiliation. Baron Ramus and Lena. Indeed. Humiliation. Humiliation.
00:12:11
Speaker
Love that. I would say with a 12, the name would have stuck out to you when you were informed by your hosts and you probably would have asked the Viscount, yo, what's up with that name? That's a weird ass name. And he informed you that the Baron is a old tiefling and many tieflings have very puritanical names, if you will, like very virtuous names. That's very good. His family name is Humiliation.
00:12:39
Speaker
was his demonic ancestor like a demon of humiliation? You know, the Viscount has not bothered to ask, but should you find yourself seated at a table with the Baron? Perhaps you may choose to. I almost certainly will, and with utmost delicacy. Of course. I delight in coming up with such charming little phrases as to procure maximum information from people. Of course, of course you do. It is late afternoon, the sun will be going down in a few hours, and when the sun
00:13:08
Speaker
disappears, it'll be time to venture out. And I guess going down is a bit of a misnomer. For the world of Zav, the sun does not go down, it does not set, rather it ruptures nightly.
The Phenomenon of Zav's Sun
00:13:23
Speaker
And the sun has not ruptured yet for the day, but it will in a few hours. And it is time for you to begin getting ready for this evening at Humiliation House.
00:13:37
Speaker
There is a gentle knock at the door. Yes, come in and I adjust my wig to make sure that it is perfectly poised and enter. The door swings open without a noise, very well oiled hinges, very well maintained house. The door glides open and in the frame you see a old woman. She is kind of got hunched shoulders. She's wearing a simple but good quality dress. It's in like a dark
00:14:07
Speaker
green shade she's kind of got one of those white aprons kind of over top of it a little bonnet if you will and she's got these these these little uh glasses they're pretty thick lenses and she kind of stomps into the room and says uh hello dear how are you doing and of course this would be your friend your uh decently long time acquaintance fallow kent oh we're more than acquaintances
00:14:32
Speaker
We're besties with a strict power dynamic like all great friendships. Of course. Yeah, she's got this short curly white hair and she kind of stomps over to you and says, well, then have you decided what you'll be wearing tonight? Do you need a hand lacing up your corset or powdering your wig or any other way that I might be of service this evening?
00:15:00
Speaker
Oh, fallow, please. I mean, yes, help me part of my wig, but you can cut the servile shit. You and I are, you know, we're cool, aren't we? Did I do something? Are you mad at me? Please don't be mad at me. Oh god, if you're mad at me, I will literally kill myself. I will throw myself out of the window. How tall is this house? Oh my god, fallow.
00:15:19
Speaker
she kind of pulls her spectacles off and pulls up her her apron, she starts to like polish one of the lenses and she you see like when she takes the glasses off she's got these milky not like blind eyes but definitely like heavy cataracts that kind of started to like seep into them and she uh she puts the glasses on and she kind of looks at you and says
00:15:41
Speaker
I mean, as I've told you before, I don't approve of what you are doing, but it is between you and the gods and whoever else, and it's frankly, I consider it none of my business. We are fine. I just, I don't wish to discuss it any further. M'lady. I know, Fallow. I know, I know it doesn't, you know, but you know why I'm doing it.
00:16:08
Speaker
Yes, yes, I know why you're doing it. When things come up right for me, you can come and live with me in my house and not be the wig powder. Not that there's anything wrong with a powdered wig, but we could just hang out all the time. I'm not just doing this for me. Give me a persuasion roll. I think I am a very persuasive.
00:16:32
Speaker
Oh, yep. Nat 20 for my first persuasion roll of the game. And a plus five, so that's a cool 25.
00:16:39
Speaker
Her expression kind of softens a little bit. Some of the wrinkles, the scowl lines, they kind of, you know, they smooth out temporarily. She gives you this smile and she's still got very nice teeth despite being over 80 years old. And she gives you the smile and says, well, that doesn't sound so bad. Hurry
Faunalyn's Close Relationships
00:16:59
Speaker
it up. Well, don't you? I don't have, well, don't have long to live, frankly. I don't have the benefit of long lives like you.
00:17:07
Speaker
Well, benefit and a curse, really. Yes, we live illustrious long lives filled mostly with privilege, but also sometimes life is sad and we have to experience rather more sadness, don't you think, darling? But it's not coral anymore. I shan't throw myself out the window and you shan't be mad at me anymore. Is it just me? Or was Lady Berthold looking rather... or seeming rather, I should say...
00:17:29
Speaker
too much in the sauce last night at dinner. Did you happen to see her on her way out of the dining hall? You're wicked, but yes. Yes, I'm afraid my lady, she enjoys a glass of wine after dinner and often a glass of wine with dinner and maybe a glass of wine before dinner. Who knows what can happen before or after that? Yeah, I don't have my eyes on her at all times. I've got an entire servant staff to keep an eye on. It's very demanding.
00:17:59
Speaker
Oh, of course. Yes, I know you work very hard. You have probably the strongest and most, shall I say, I don't want to say mannish because that seems rather patriarchal, but you've got really beefy strong hands, fallow. It's really incredible. You look like you could just, you know, stab through just about anything with a needle.
00:18:18
Speaker
she kind of just like stares at you blankly for a second and then in a way that an elderly person who doesn't really grok what you're talking about sort of does she says yes yes right dress for the evening gown we must dress you because this is the uh the baron and baron us they are um old and
00:18:38
Speaker
powerful, or at least the Baron is, rather powerful figure in the city's culture and history. We want to make sure we're on our best behaviour tonight, don't we, dear? Always, Fallow. I am unceasingly a delight, but you must tell. Please, what do you know of the Baron's history in this illustrious city? I'm just curious what you've heard.
00:19:02
Speaker
Well, Baron is an old mariner, he made his fortunes on the sea as a merchant, or I suppose more accurately I am. A trader, you know, he brought goods from throughout her. Zav to Erdenin and beyond, and well he now owns the Humble Traders Association and
00:19:28
Speaker
probably the largest or at the very least one of the largest trading companies in the entire city and in many ways much of the world. You would know that a lot of the wealth in this city is steeped in trade. Historically that is kind of how it's a port city. A lot of its riches and bounty have come from the ocean in one way or the other whether through fishing
00:19:56
Speaker
or whaling or many times trade or transportation. And that is kind of how Erdenin started, how it got its roots and how it has become this political and cultural powerhouse that has today has brought in people from all over the world, thus created this just, you know, amazing meeting place of people from all over. Very cool. Okay.
00:20:19
Speaker
I think since tonight is our first night in Erdenin, I should probably try to represent the Vedark family well. So perhaps Vedark house colours for my gown tonight, wouldn't you say? That's a wonderful idea. Slight note, you have been here for about three weeks.
00:20:38
Speaker
Okay, for this 21st night in Edny, which of course is a rather significant and auspicious number. We know eight is a holy number here, and what is 21, but almost eight three times.
00:20:51
Speaker
That is so well said, Fallow. And rather, you know me. It takes me about 20 days to warm up to anything, so... Oh, me as well. Well, yes, we are the same. We're both painfully uncomfortable for the first, well, weeks or eight days here, so about the first two and a half weeks that we're in a town. We are often very uncomfortable. Yes, I feel like I haven't even seen it. Like, I don't even really know properly what it looks like. Well, you spend too much time avoiding the sun, I'm afraid. We'll have to do something about that.
00:21:19
Speaker
We'll have these garish freckles you see. They're rather tanning. I like them. Well. But I get your meaning. Thank you, Fallow. So you're saying Vedark colors then? Yes, I should think so. What are the Vedark colors? You tell me. Well, I know what they're not. Hmm, that's helpful. If you know enough about what they're not, then eventually you find out what they are. I think the monarchy uses navy and silver and the Vedarks are like
00:21:47
Speaker
they always want to be close to the monarchy. I think that they would use a gray and a lighter blue. It's the same colors, but worse. We've got navy and silver for the monarchy and a lighter blue and a steel gray for the Vedarks. How much lighter are we talking? Lighter enough, I think technically that it would look visibly different on a flag, but same sort of value. They're both cool tones.
00:22:15
Speaker
Yeah, like the British flag and the Australian flag being kind of the same thing, but also different. 100%. Thank you. You point out a couple of clothing items and Fallow pulls your corset tight and helps you into your dress and it's, you know, it's not comfortable, but that's not really the point now, is it? Can I roll for hotness? Please, yes. How hot do I look tonight? Okay, that's an eight.
00:22:43
Speaker
I rolled a 20. I assumed it was a 20 point hotness scale. Yeah, yeah, it is. Forget the conventional one to 10 ranking system. The contouring is maybe just a little off or maybe the colors are like clashing a little bit. You don't feel bad, but you don't think, you know, you felt better. You felt better. God. No, you're fine. Steel gray and light ambiguous blue are really not my colors. Well, maybe if tonight goes well, we'll have you in new house colors before you know it.
00:23:14
Speaker
I adore you for many reasons but in part your optimism despite the fact that you are morally opposed to my frankly oft times repugnant actions and I just want you to know that I appreciate you.
00:23:28
Speaker
and I appreciate you, dear. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must tend to the Viscountess and ensure that she is ready to imbibe. Oh, I'm sure she will be if you know what I mean. You're awful. And she stomps out the door and closes it behind her. She's so stompy, I love her. She's got a real arthritic knees, you know? Yeah. And ham hands. And ham hands, yeah. She's just a real tank of an old lady.
00:23:55
Speaker
I love that first. She's gonna live forever. Please, please, God, let her live forever. She's gonna live forever, right? She's gonna live forever. Oh, good. The podcast will be long gone and buried before Fallow Kent keels over. Thank God. What would we do without her?
00:24:11
Speaker
A little while passes, you have some time just to relax and refresh and then get a little knock at the door and one of the other house servants informs you that it is time to depart. Who's the servant? It is a young woman. She's got this blonde hair. Her name is Aikwa. She is a half-elf woman. She appears to be in her early 20s, but given her elven ancestry,
00:24:38
Speaker
could be, you know, a couple decades older, even. You haven't had many interactions with her. Most of your tending to is committed by fallow. Despite having many house responsibilities, she makes it a personal point of pride to look after you, much to the confusion or mostly confusion of some of the other members of the household, whether servants or otherwise.
Noble Introductions
00:24:57
Speaker
But yeah, you go down the stairs through the out onto the front steps and you see a horse-drawn carriage awaiting for you.
00:25:06
Speaker
There is a man in just like fine clothes standing by the door. And as you're standing there, you hear the sound of two people talking. One says, now, Kazren, I know we've talked about this.
00:25:24
Speaker
And I know that you've given you reasons, but frankly, I cannot remember why. Why must we take such a bloody big carriage everywhere we go? It's so hard to get into and out of. And last week I fell out at the end of the night and a male voice interrupt and says, well, sure, that has nothing to do with the carriage, my dear.
00:25:47
Speaker
And she says, what do you mean? And he says, well, I don't know, nothing, just Mr. Joke, it was a late night, that's all. She says, I want a small carriage pulled by a dog. And he says, well, we have a guest with us, love, who probably would not fit into a dog sized carriage, in my humble opinion. And she says, oh, right, sorry.
00:26:12
Speaker
And stepping out onto the front step, you see Viscount Kasran Berthold and his wife, Viscountess Amala Berthold. The former Kasran is a gnomish man. He's in his mid-70s, which is middle-aged for a gnome. He's got wavy blonde hair and this sort of lopsided smile, though he seldom smiles. His wife, the Viscountess, is in her late 60s, so also middle-aged. She's always seen in fancy dresses, mostly shades of purple.
00:26:42
Speaker
And she never, never leaves home without a powdered wig. You two are cut from the same cloth in that regard. She always makes sure she's looking her absolute best when she goes out. She is vain, but after, you know, about a year with her, you've decided she's, she's harmless. You know, she just cares about her appearances and keeping up her appearances, but she also loves to laugh and have a good time. Also, she is terrible, terrible at keeping secrets.
00:27:12
Speaker
I want to say she's my favorite person alive, but I feel like that would be betraying Fallow. But the person you've just described is really checking all my boxes. Of course. And they step out onto the front step and Viscountess Amala, she looks up at you and says, oh dear, you look positively stunning. Oh, look at you. And she takes your hands and stares up at you with these big eyes.
00:27:39
Speaker
I do the same with her. Oh, darling, Lady Berthold, you look stunning, might I say. I think I'm rather looking a bit washed out tonight. I think my contour might be a bit chunky, but you know what? You know what we do when our contour looks chunky? We say that it's the style from where I'm from. So tonight I'm dressing like a true Vedark, which is with something of a lack of taste.
00:28:00
Speaker
Amazing. Yes, us Vedocs can't choose house colours for shit and that's why it naturally clashes with our complexions. It's not your fault, dear. It's just politics. It's just politics. Yes, but you know, if anyone ever asks you what you think of the Vedocs, you must tell them, I insist that you tell them honestly, that we can't choose house colours for shit. Will you, darling? Persuasion roll.
00:28:29
Speaker
That's a 16. 16, she says, um, if you insist. She seems confused by the request, but she agrees to acquiesce to it. I do, darling. Trust me, it won't be an insult at all to the elves. They'll know exactly what you're saying.
00:28:44
Speaker
They walk over to the carriage and the servant there, he pulls out a stool, like slides out a stool, and the Viscount and Viscount just step up onto it. She has to struggle a bit. It's, you know, it's a human-sized carriage. She's a couple feet tall, three feet tall, maybe, I guess. Pretty tiny lady. She's wearing this big dress. It's, you know, restricting her movement already, but she manages to clamber inside, followed by her husband, and then followed by you.
00:29:10
Speaker
and you enter into this carriage. It clatters through the streets. You are in Erdening, as we've established. You are currently in the Sapphire District. This is a district where many of the upper class members of society live, along with, but not like limited to nobility, it could be those that have just
00:29:34
Speaker
earned, you know, a great deal of money or status through their occupations. High paid merchants, important political figures, that sort of thing. A lot of movers and shakers. Very nice part of the city.
Journey to Humiliation House
00:29:46
Speaker
And you are going to the Ruby District.
00:29:51
Speaker
where the richest and most elite, with the exception of the king, live. And you proceed over a bridge known as Wyman's Folly, named so because Lord Reginald Wymond bought the bridge in the belief that he would be able to charge a toll to any who crossed over it, only to be informed after the purchase had gone through by the king that he in fact did not have that authority to charge a toll, and thus he has been saddled with a bridge that has earned him
00:30:20
Speaker
No return on his investment to this day. It's been a good 30 to 40 years since he bought that bridge and has not recouped his losses. Man, that neighbor's gotta just be insulting his health to him. It's a real kick in the teeth, you know? Does that show up on official promotional materials for the city? Like, is that on, like, maps?
00:30:39
Speaker
Believe it or not, in the city of wonders that is Erdenin, a city with a magnificent palace, tall ships that look as if they're reaching to the heavens, the drifting terraces, amongst all that, the bridges that connect to the various parts of the city together are not on the brochure.
00:30:57
Speaker
Wow. So it's not, it's nothing like New York. That's how, no. New York is obsessed with their bridges. Imagine if it was New York, but there was like a hundred things that were cooler than the bridges. So New York didn't bother putting the bridges on the brochures. It's kind of cringe for New York that they're like, hey, have you seen our bridges though? We got a bridge. Yeah. That's how New Yorkers talk, right? They don't got bridges anywhere else. We got a Brooklyn bridge. We got a Manhattan bridge. We got a Jersey turnpike. Crazy. That's not a bridge, I think.
00:31:27
Speaker
bada-bing bada-boom we got like five six bridges hey gabagool you want to buy a bridge that's under yolka's tack you've ruined every accent that I do for the remainder of this episode because I will not be able to get back to politely British after this cheers but as you are riding over into the Ruby District you've got a little bit of time is there anything that you wish to discuss with the Lord and Lady before you arrive at your destination
00:31:55
Speaker
So, you know, I would really hate to make rather a rube of myself. And as you both know, this will be my first time attending Humiliation House. So I was rather wondering whether there might be any sort of customs or best practices or sort of niche little delicacies that I might know about so that I can best represent myself. And of course, by extension, you as your eternally grateful guest.
00:32:22
Speaker
the two of them look at each other and the lady of the house, she starts to speak and she says, yes, well, I suppose the Baron is quite proud of his fleet of boats. Her husband speaks up and says, ships, they're called ships. She says, yes, right, ships, excuse me.
00:32:46
Speaker
I might behoove you to, should you find yourself in conversation with the Baron? Perhaps point out there's, you'll see miniature models, renditions, depictions, if you will, of each ship in his fleet. So perhaps picking one out that you find particularly attractive or handsome might be a good way to earn his favor. Dear, do you have any suggestions? And he just kind of shrugs his shoulders and doesn't reply.
00:33:16
Speaker
That's very helpful. Thank you. I shall lie about caring about his ships. That is very helpful, darling. I wonder, are there any sort of subjects that you would recommend that I avoid touchy subjects as it were, because I would really hate to run the night afoul. Give me a persuasion check. We're doing a lot of persuasion checks tonight. It's going to be the story of my life. I think that's going to be the faunalyn story.
00:33:41
Speaker
Nine. She just kind of shrugs her shoulders and says, I think just if you were to be yourself, you're so delightful and always so poised, I think. If you just continue to be yourself, dear. And that's all you need. Thank you, love. And it's always a relief walking into a dinner knowing that abortion is on the table. Oh, good. We're here.
00:34:11
Speaker
You pull up to the exterior of Humiliation House. You find yourself riding in this carriage alongside this ivy covered wall that stretches over 10 feet tall. It kind of stretches around this estate and you eventually reach a black iron gate that is currently open. You are on a cobblestone road that leads towards the mansion and encircles a marble fountain. The
00:34:33
Speaker
The mansion itself appears to be three stories tall. It's flanked by a pair of five-story towers, these stone towers on either side of it. You see that the front of the mansion has many windows from which warm light is emitting. And you notice, just as you're pulling up, there's a couple carriages in front of you.
00:34:53
Speaker
and you kind of wait for a few minutes as they unload their passengers. You see various people in fine dresses and evening attire go up this wide set of stairs that leads to an entryway, which appears to be on the second floor. And as you are sitting there waiting, you look out the window and you see that the sun, pharaohs, the sky phoenix is starting to glow this molten orange red, like starting to deepen and darken in color.
00:35:21
Speaker
and as you're taking note of that the sky erupts into a cosmic display of fireworks as the sun bursts and you see speckles of green and blue and the deepest purple dash out brighter and more vibrant than any star you've ever seen spreading across the sky in an explosion that
00:35:40
Speaker
is breathtaking and jaw-dropping and awe-inspiring every time you see it. And you see it every night as the sun explodes. And you are left with the pale glow of two moons, and night has come to Zaf. And it is time to party. Is Faros currently perching on Golo or Kecil? It is summertime, thus it is Golo. Thank you, thank you.
00:36:09
Speaker
Ah, that bloody big bird has done it again. Always brings a tear to my eye. What's up? Oh, darling, I was remarking at the spectacularity of the sun. Wouldn't you say that bird puts on quite the show? I think tonight was extra sparkly. Oh, yes, it's the sun. And that's just how things have always been. And, you know, it's, yeah, yeah.
00:36:36
Speaker
It's... I guess it's remarkable. I don't really look up at it too much. I don't watch many, uh... Well, I wouldn't call it a sunset, because that really doesn't make sense given what happens each night. If only there was a term that described that phenomenon.
00:36:51
Speaker
Yeah, the elves call it a sunsplosion. That's what my ancestors called it. That's a nice name, I guess, a sunsplosion. Yes. Yes. Oh, wonderful. Shall we? And the door swings open, and you are offered a hand by a servant that is waiting, and you are helped out of the carriage along with Lord and
The Ballroom of Humiliation House
00:37:13
Speaker
Lady.
00:37:13
Speaker
and you go up the stairs following them, they take a lead, you kind of follow in step behind them. There's a large set of just beautiful mahogany double doors that are pulled open as you approach.
00:37:27
Speaker
and a squire who is standing just inside at the entryway to this establishment cries out in a traditional squire voice now presenting the Viscount Kazrin Berthold his lovely wife Amala Berthold and their guest of honor Lady Faunalyn Vadok there's no real reaction from the room you know people are
00:37:55
Speaker
You kind of gather together, you see drinking and groups of two or three conversing. But what you do see, that there is this massive ballroom before you. It is full of people milling about, conversing, like I said, under the light of this immense crystal chandelier that hangs in the center of the room and just casts this brilliant array of lights all around. On the far wall across from you, you see a portrait of a middle-aged tiefling man standing aboard the deck of a sailing ship.
00:38:22
Speaker
The wind pulls at his black hair and he stares out at the sea. You assume it is likely a painting of the Baron, perhaps when he was younger, because what you have heard recently is that he's a very old man. And scattered around the room you see various model ships on little pedestals kind of just scattered around the outskirts of the ballroom.
00:38:44
Speaker
As you're taking this all in, the Viscount, he leans over to you and I have to lean down to listen to him. You kind of bend over a little bit and he gestures towards the portrait. He says, I mean, I think my work is just as good, wouldn't you say?
00:39:02
Speaker
and you recall, or you know, you would be aware that Lord Kazarin Berthold is someone who paints in his free time. He likes to paint portraits, and over the past year, he has often requested that you pose for him, and you have sat through many a painting session as he paints you, and he's not bad. He's not a prodigy. He's not going to be able to pivot into life as an artist, most likely, but he's a passable purveyor of paint.
00:39:31
Speaker
Do I have a fan on me? Yeah, 100%. Okay, I would like to whip out my fan and then use it as cover as I whisper into his ear.
00:39:42
Speaker
Whatever half penny hack painted that atrocity makes you look like, frankly, a genius. That came out wrong. What I mean to say is that that portrait is dog shit and you are a genius. And I closed my fan and I flounced down the stairs into the room. If you were to look back, you would see him scowling slightly because painting's not that bad. It's fine. It's like a fine portrait. He would hardly define it as dog shit.
00:40:11
Speaker
I was being, I was being, you know, hyperbolic. Yeah. Does he not understand hyperbole? He is a very serious man most of the time. Oh, he's a serious man. Can we redo? Sure. No, we can't. We can't. He's a serious man. Yeah, but I feel like you're not a serious person.
00:40:33
Speaker
I can be serious for the sake of getting someone to like me. Oh, he's not mad at you He's just a little perplexed by the I'm granted you don't see that cuz you flaunted down the stairs That's merely a if you had turned back you would have seen that but you're off into the crowd
00:40:48
Speaker
No, I walk down and I reflect and I think, wait, Lord Birdhold is rather serious. I should repair that and I'm going to grab two champagne flutes, passing waiter if I may, bring one back to him.
00:41:05
Speaker
I hand him one, use my fan again, and say, what I rather meant to say is that while the artist shows a significant skill, I rather think that art without interpretation is hardly art and rather recreation. Wouldn't you say? Give me a persuasion check with advantage. My man loves a glass of champagne. 14.
00:41:31
Speaker
14, he takes the glass and sips at it, takes a polite swig and says, quite right, yes, I couldn't have put it better myself. And you notice that Amala is looking at the two of you with champagne glasses and seems a little put out that she has not been offered one. So I noticed that?
00:41:49
Speaker
So I take my unsimmed champagne and I hand it to Amala and I say, regrettable that I only have two hands, else I would drink with the Lord and Lady. But at last I must grab another beverage from my own and I close my hand with a flourish and flounce once again into the crowd.
00:42:10
Speaker
you flounce away and you as you're turning away you notice that she smiles graciously and gratefully completely mollified and uh the evening seems to be off to a perfect start
00:42:23
Speaker
I already love playing this character so much. Okay, first question. Do I notice anyone at the party and specifically do I recognize anyone at the party that I am familiar with that I would be upset to see there? Give me a perception roll.
00:42:44
Speaker
That's a cool nine. Cool nine. You look around, you don't see anybody that you think you've had the opportunity to interact with quite yet. This is a bit of a different crowd than some of the other events. This is very much one of Lord Kasran's friends. And I think most of the social gatherings you've gone to have been more Amala's group up until now.
Navigating Social Dynamics
00:43:13
Speaker
What you do see is a lot of stuffy-looking men in suits. You see, of course, many a lady in finery, but it seems to be more of a... It's less a nobility and more of a bunch of rich businessmen sort of get together.
00:43:32
Speaker
Interesting. That's super lame for me because I hate businessmen. Do I know anything like before? Like I know they didn't really tell me anything in the carriage, but do I know anything about the Baron Ramis or Baroness Alina? Give me a history check. Or if you want to like, we could also have it. So if you are wandering through the room, like listening, trying to eavesdrop a bit, you could also make it like a different skill if you want to pitch me on something.
00:44:01
Speaker
Ooh, that's really interesting. So I think first I just want to know what Faunalyn knows already without doing any data collection. Do I have any rumors on hand about these two? Then in that case, give me a history check. I'm going to have to boost my history stats somehow because...
00:44:19
Speaker
It's occurring to me that we're going to be doing a lot of these. That's another nine. I would say with a nine, you don't really know anything beyond what you found out before. You know that he is old. You know that he is a merchant by trade. His actual sailing days are probably long behind him. I would say with a nine.
00:44:41
Speaker
This is less something that you learn about him, but something that strikes you as interesting. You are in a coastal city. You are on a peninsula that juts into the ocean. You can get to the ocean pretty quickly from anywhere in town or to, there's many of these, like the reason you were crossing a bridge, I probably didn't say that before, is that there's like fragments of land, little like broken chunks of land that are separated by large canals. And thus these bridges cross over them in these different districts.
00:45:11
Speaker
It's hard to avoid the ocean here, but you note that between its location in the Ruby District and the size of these walls that encircle the mansion, you cannot see the ocean from this property, and you wonder if that's perhaps not by accident.
00:45:31
Speaker
I wonder if that's perhaps not by accident, yet the significance of such a thing is completely lost on me. I'll have to find out more. Do I see any, like, gossipy-looking body language from any groups nearby? Like, are there, like, some ladies talking? Is there, like, a group of men who are, like... Oh, there's have to be ladies. I feel sexist.
00:45:52
Speaker
You said it, not me. There's also men talking, but it's up to you. Cool. So do I see any gossipy gentlemen? Yeah, there's some gossiping gentlemen. What about gossiping ladies? Oh, women do be talking, man. Let me tell you. That's what I learned this 2023.
00:46:12
Speaker
No, there's groups of people, they all seem like pretty familiar with each other. You're very much a stranger to this particular social scene. You're very new, you're trying to integrate yourself to some extent. But yeah, you see groups of people chatting, groups of three, four, couple pairs. Okay, and last question before I sidle up to a group and eavesdrop shamelessly. Who looks important? Ooh, give me a insight roll. Hmm.
00:46:39
Speaker
Oh my god, I can't roll for a shite. This is a bad omen. Insight. Oh, plus six? Okay, Insightful Queen. That's an eight.
00:46:51
Speaker
I think with an 8, your concept of who looks important is probably who's just like commanding the most attention. And I would say you look around and you see various people. One kind of stands out to you is another tiefling. He appears to be younger than the one in the portrait, but he's kind of talking in hushed tones and there's about four people gathered around him and they're just like listening to every word he says.
00:47:12
Speaker
Oh my God. Well, I am going to very much like wander aimlessly, but very much towards that group. And if there happens to be a model ship nearby them, I want to look at the model ship and pretend that I'm studying it, but I'm obviously just listening. Not obviously. I'm to me, it's obvious to them. It should be very discreet. We're just, the roles are coming fast and furious. I'm going to need both a stealth and a perception check as you try and listen in.
00:47:41
Speaker
Call me Dwayne The Rock Johnson, because I'm new to this situation, about to cause some controversy, and coming in fast and furious. What check was I doing? First a stealth, as you try and just channel up to the ship and not draw any attention. That's an unnatural 20. Ooh. And what's my next roll? A perception, as you attempt to eavesdrop. Okay, that's a five.
00:48:09
Speaker
You walk up to this ship, it is a beautiful, tri-masted ship, a little model of a ship rather, in just stunning, intricate detail. You see painted in a fine script on the side, it says the Myrmidon, and you desperately try to listen in on the conversation, and you can
00:48:28
Speaker
make out that they're talking or at least this one individual is talking, but it's a little muffled and impossible really to pick up what he's saying at this time. You think if you get closer, you could possibly have a better chance. Okay. I'm going to move closer and as I do so, I am going to look in my purse and I'm going to just start rifling through it. I'm looking for something that I can't find and periodically, I'm just going to go like,
00:48:59
Speaker
but I'm like very much like, I'm so focused on what I must have forgotten. What a nightmare. I'm so, I can't believe I'm such an adult, but I'm just eavesdropping again. Okay. Give me a deception roll. See, I feel like if I was actually inclined to do like social espionage, I'd be kind of good at it. Plus seven to deception. Okay. Deceitful queen. That's a 23. An unnatural 23 for the record.
00:49:27
Speaker
Yeah, amazing. You go rifling through your purse looking for who knows what and you're kind of just slowly like drifting across the floor and you kind of fall into the orbit of this group and you are able to listen in quite handily and
00:49:48
Speaker
the tiefling man. He appears to be in his early 30s perhaps. Much like the tiefling in the painting, he has gray skin. His is of a slightly lighter complexion. The tiefling in the portrait has these almost like ram-like horns. They're thick and they like curl around like almost do a full 360. The other tiefling that you're listening in on now, his horns are smaller and they don't curl quite as much. They kind of almost like go along like this the contour of his skull.
00:50:16
Speaker
you glance over at this group as you're like rifling through your purse trying to like take note of everyone and you see that the chandelier is almost like directly above them and they cast shadows as people do with the exception of the individual who's talking you notice that there is no shadow beneath him or around him he does not appear to cast a shadow spooky and he is speaking and he says sources to papa
00:50:40
Speaker
when will I get a ship? And he says, on your birthday. And everyone just goes, I hear your birthday. And you're like, wait, what was the punch line? Like, what was that? And as you're questioning that, he locks eyes on you and says, oh, who do we have here?
00:51:01
Speaker
You know what, I'll find it later. Faunalyn Vedark, first daughter of House Vedark of Ulith Othiatt. Add to your service and please to make your acquaintance.
00:51:12
Speaker
He takes your hand and he kisses it gently. As he draws close to you, close enough to do this, you smell the faint smell of brimstone emanating from him. But you notice that it's masked by a cologne or some sort of fragrance that he apparently has put on, presumably to mask this odor. And he says, Xerxes humiliation. It's a pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Lady Vedark. Welcome. Are you new to the city? I have not had the pleasure, of course, before now.
00:51:42
Speaker
Yes, well, we arrived some 21 days ago, but as I'm sure you know, the first 20 days in any new city are just rather for convalescing from the burden of travel. So tonight really feels like my first night on the town. Tell me about it. The last time that I traveled, I was out for a full month. And you know, there's nothing wrong with that. You know, people look at the nobility and they say, my, they're so frail. Who says that? Do you know the rabble rather say that? I wouldn't listen to the rabble.
00:52:11
Speaker
I don't think they've got anything worth saying at all. And he looks to his peers for approval, and they're like, oh yes, yes, yes, the rabble. Well said, Lord Xerxes. Well said. Oh, please. It's the honorable Xerxes. Yes, the honorable Lord Xerxes. And while we're hashing out titles, it's rather the honorable Lady Faunal in Vedark as well. Amazing. Yes. Who are your companions? This is
00:52:41
Speaker
and he points to a human woman. She's wearing a, you know, magnificently poofy dress, as is the fashion of the time. And this would be Uran, and he gutures to a rather large sort of like stocky man in a suit.
00:53:06
Speaker
And these are the the twins, of course, we just call them a bib and bab. And the others kind of like start to laugh at whatever inside joke this is. Yes. Well, yes. So are you in town for business or leisure? So just to clarify, there were two tieflings with different horns.
00:53:31
Speaker
Yes, there's a portrait of a tiefling and then this guy. Oh, I misunderstood. I thought there were two in the circle. Okay. No. I wouldn't have asked about his companions because I don't give a shit about bib and bap. Bib and bap can suck my bib and bap. Wow. You know what I'm saying? Wow. I wish I didn't. Okay. No, of course I'm not in town for business. Do I look like I labor? Tell me honestly, do I look like I labor?
00:54:01
Speaker
No, Miley, of course not. You look like you live a life of luxury, of course. Insight check, does this guy think I labor? Give me an insight check. Okay, that's a natural one. Plus six, that's a seven.
00:54:14
Speaker
Well, he rolled a three plus two, so you think maybe you should stop doing your own makeup for a little while, perhaps? Might be what he's picking up on. Maybe the contouring could be a little better. It's a little blocky, right? It's a little blocky. He wouldn't say that, but he might subtly imply that you look like you work hard labor.
00:54:41
Speaker
No, Lord Dixies, I am not in town on thee, but I'm here as the guest of Lord and Lady Berthort. Of course, you must know them, they're Baron and Baroness. Of course, they're good friends with my father, yes. My father's taken between you and me, he's taken your host, your generous host for, well, quite the pity penny at the old card table.
00:55:07
Speaker
Well, luckily for Lord Bertolt, he has many pretty pennies to spare, as do we all. I wouldn't be so sure about that. Pardon me, where I come from, we don't understand blithe remarks without context. Would you mind contextualising that for me? It's an elf thing. Give me a persuasion roll. By the way, if you don't contextualise it, you'll rather be discriminating.
00:55:33
Speaker
Give me a persuasion roll with advantage. Actually, make that an intimidation. Whenever that first roll is, make an intimidation instead. Oh, I'm so intimidating. I think, okay, so Faunalyn, she's not like physically intimidating. There's nothing scary about her, but she has this way of like dropping into this mask.
00:55:51
Speaker
that just exudes so much authority that I think the contrast of how she's normally quite, you know, gracious and outgoing when these like blinds shut behind her eyes, it gives off like, oh, right, this is a high noble.
00:56:06
Speaker
who expects extremely good treatment, she could cause a war if I'm mean to her. And I think there's something a little bit terrifying about her just wielding that power suddenly. Yeah. Anyway, I got... What did I get?
00:56:21
Speaker
I got a 19.
00:56:38
Speaker
Lord Kazrin enjoys gambling a great deal, and perhaps he loses more than he wins, and perhaps those losses are, shall we say, accruing.
00:56:55
Speaker
And as he's nervously chuckling at this, a bell is rung almost like a little chime goes off and people begin to separate. He says, oh, I'm afraid it's time to eat. Perhaps I shall see you on the dance floor later. Perhaps. And then I'm going to poof my fan and flounce away.
00:57:17
Speaker
Perfect. You find your way to your table. You are seated with your hosts, the Lord and Lady Berthold. You are also at a table with a pair of dwarves. You are introduced to them. They are Baron Thalmun Raduk and his wife, the Baroness Felinora Raduk. That's a good name.
00:57:42
Speaker
There is a sixth member at this table as well. You are introduced to him. He's very quiet, very reserved, but he is introduced as Sir Klaathir Kaldar. He is a male dragonborn in his late 20s. He has these magnificent blue scales that cover his body and given his title, his introduction as Sir Klaathir, you get the sense that he is a knight and you find out that he is a knight in service of House Radook.
00:58:10
Speaker
Off rip, do I know any rumors about the Baron and Baroness or about Sir Clettier? Off rip? No. Okay. That's not my stomping grounds. It makes sense. Who am I sitted next to? I would say you are sitted, sitted. You all sitted between Lady Amara and Sir Clettier.
00:58:30
Speaker
Lady Amara. Oh god, I wish I had gotten some rumors that were about people other than her husband. So I'm going to lean over to Lady Amara and say, darling, when we get a moment of privacy, I've heard the most, well, rather not heard, but rather, what's her name? Amara? Amala. I said Amara and then you said Amara, but let's just correct the record right now. Amala. And also it's seated, not seated. No, it's seated.
00:58:53
Speaker
Okay, we're sat. If you would. You are sit, if you will. We are a seat. We are seat. Lady Amala, you know, I rather observed the most interesting thing about Lord Honorable Xerxes' humiliation. I don't know whether you've got any sort of opinion of him, but I must say I was rather struck by how he's prone to gossip. It's a most abominable trait.
00:59:23
Speaker
She appears to be a couple glasses of champagne in at this point. That's my girl. And as you're kind of looking around, you get the sense that the Baroness is also kind of in her drink, probably much more so than the Viscountess. And she says, yes, it's quite sad how much gossiping and rumor mongering goes on in these courts. It's honestly so exhausting. I don't.
00:59:46
Speaker
Try not to least anyway. I do partake in it. It just makes me sad, you know? Just why can't we all get along? I completely agree. And while we're all getting along, I wondered, did you hear anything of interest while you were walking the floors? Oh, um... Not gossip, of course, because we're quite above that. You and I. Yes, yes, well...
01:00:09
Speaker
Oh, it's the talk of the town. I'm surprised you haven't heard it already. Unless you have. Tell me and then I'll tell you. For what if, hmm, I don't want to call you- We might be thinking the same thing because I'm definitely thinking something, but you go first and then I'll nod if I already know this. What if we say it at the same time? That is such a tremendous idea, darling. Okay, you start and then I'll also start at the same time.
01:00:34
Speaker
Okay, three, two, one. So this rumor that- Son of- Wait, what? What were you saying? No, darling, you go first. I need you to make a deception roll on that one. Just start this rumor. Can I just ask what the DC is?
01:01:00
Speaker
Uh, it is against her insight. And it's not so much that she will necessarily think you're lying, but she might just immediately like toss away. Uh, if she finds it to be too outlandish. Cause I got a 15. Okay. She got a 12. They look exactly the same. So she says that's surprising. I mean, he is a great tiefling.
01:01:23
Speaker
Well, you know, you know, it's not really, you know, I just heard someone say it as I walked past and I thought, you know, Shirley, that's the talk of the town. But I'm dying to know if there's something more talk of the towny. You've heard mine, so... Yes, oh, yes, of course. Well, it's apparently a Prince Elling Malphur has been seen in the city and rumor has it that he is going to attempt to win the princess's hand in marriage and
01:01:52
Speaker
Perhaps there should be a little trans-oceanic union. This is Prince Elling Malthwitt. Uh, Malthurth. Malthurth. Oh, thank you, darling. That is interesting, and I see why that would rather be the talk of the town and not the thing that I heard about Prince Xerxes being a bastard. Which he may well be. I mean, I suppose he could still be a bastard, you know? Just, you mean, son just means not...
01:02:17
Speaker
through the lawful union of marriage, which we agree is an important and vital fabric of our society. And so, I imagine, yes, it's possible that the Baron could have had an extramarital affair which would be quite shameful, and thus would make Xerxes an illegitimate son.
Marriage Rumors and Social Tensions
01:02:33
Speaker
But I suppose it's rather a moot point, because he is the second son of the house, so it shouldn't really matter unless both of his sons were illegitimate, and then it might matter a great deal more. But
01:02:45
Speaker
Anyway, no, but there's going to be perhaps a marriage, a wedding. Oh, I would love to attend a wedding. A royal wedding. Oh, that would be such a dream. I don't know if we'd get an invitation, but perhaps if we play our cards right, you and I, we could be at a royal union.
01:03:01
Speaker
Darling you are a Viscountess Amala Berthold and I am the honorable Lady Fondlin Vedark of House Vedark of Ulith or Thayad. If they don't give us invitations they'll be committing slights so egregious that I rather think it might call for international war.
01:03:21
Speaker
That's just gonna be your default. Any time there's a minor slight getting left out of an inside joke, or not getting invited to a wedding, you're going to threaten an international incident. Just to be clear, that's the precedent we're setting here, right? That's who Fonolin Vedark is, okay? That's what a Vedark would do. On the record, the Vedarks are explosive and domineering war-hungry people.
01:03:48
Speaker
of course of course yes that's an excellent point and i won't question it again it's not my fault that the vedox are all pieces of shit much much like your earlier comment that led to a confused response from her you get the sense she is a woman who very much would like she just likes nice things she likes nice things and she likes when things are nice and she likes to spread the occasional rumor but that's just fun you know yes you kind of scare her in this moment and she says
01:04:17
Speaker
uh yes i you're quite laugh aren't you oh darling do you forget that i'm the first daughter of the most significant house barring the monarchy and the most prestigious nation in the world who wouldn't do to forget i would i would never forget that's remarkable yes more wine my love yes please
01:04:41
Speaker
Thank you. And then, yeah, she takes a sip and she says, yes, I've heard the princess in town and he's going to attempt to win the princess's heart. Which princess is this? The princess. Yes, but what's her name? It is Princess Callista Galtres.
01:04:59
Speaker
Oh yes, Calissa Galtreis of House Galtreis, the king of Erdenin, which is the crown jewel of the crown lands, slash the Trident on the Boscala Peninsula of the Elsuian Ocean. Yes. Don't play the fucking player with information you haven't given her yet. It's not my fault. You don't know the name of the princess. I named the princess an hour ago, so you know, hey.
01:05:26
Speaker
I've known a lot about her for a long time. Didn't know her name until today. Princess Klista. Gautres is an excellent name. Okay. Who's the guy next to me again? Sorry, you said. Is it Klytir? It is. Uh, Lord Klytir. Have I introduced myself yet? I am fondant in Vedark of House Vedark, Vuleth, or Thyad. We're the second foremost family following, of course, the illustrious monarchy. Ah, my lady, I am no Lord. I am but a humble knight.
01:05:57
Speaker
in service of House Raduk. Did I call you a Lord? I think I called you Sir. You called me Lord.
01:06:03
Speaker
Oh, that's cringe. Yes, but I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, if you are. Oh, are you? Is the contract worker whose bestowed title through his axe and labour willing to overlook the sights of a lady whose position is cemented by blood and birthright? Oh, that is tremendously generous of you! Sir! Clatia! Kaldar!
01:06:35
Speaker
Thank you. Now tell me, have you heard any hot goss tonight? It would be against my vows of chivalry to engage in hot goss, I am afraid. Well, who are your vows of chivalry about? Who have you sworn fealty to? Well, I suppose I have sworn fealty to the king, although there are many kings, which complicates things immensely.
01:07:00
Speaker
Ultimately, I have sworn fealty to House Radook, and it is my lifelong obligation and honour to serve them. Ah, I see. Sorry, did you just imply that you are a knight of every king everywhere? Well, I think ultimately
01:07:22
Speaker
every night is in service to the king, but that's what I said. There's three kings in this country alone. Well, I suppose one or two of them might be queens, but I think the point still stands.
01:07:38
Speaker
And then if you go west, there's, you know, elves. And of course, as you know, there's monarchy there. And I don't know if the Knows of Dwells have a king. I've never really made it to that part of the world. I don't know of what sort of constitutional monarchy or otherwise.
01:07:55
Speaker
they may have more of a triumvirate or quadumvirate system. I'm not really familiar. I don't imagine I owe them an oath of fealty.
Knightly Lectures and Fealty
01:08:03
Speaker
Then, of course, if we go up to the north, there's the dwarf lands and the orc lands and our manner of kingdom to the northeast that is full of kings. I imagine I would not owe an oath of fealty to the warlords of the Plains of Damnation. I imagine that would be
01:08:19
Speaker
both beneath my station and likely to be met with a swift blade should I attempt. You know how when you honour a knight, a point one, you put a blade upon his shoulder. I imagine if a warlord from the plains of damnation were to put a blade upon my shoulder, it would be with such heft as if to remove my arm and thus condemn me to a life unfulfilling where I would be unable to swing my sword in such a way as to protect all the kings, which I owe them.
01:08:48
Speaker
You better give me advantage on my next history check for listening to this frickin' lecture. Which included him telling me that the place that I just told him I'm from has a monarchy.
01:09:01
Speaker
You get the sense he's not very smart. He seems well-meaning enough, but not a smart man by any stretch. Okay, well, there's anything people who aren't that smart love, it's feeling smart. So I'm going to say, Cretia, what an exhaustive summary of the nearby nations and nation states.
01:09:23
Speaker
I really, truly admire your intellect in recalling so many facts in miscellania about so many different places. Why, I think that was rather four places you mentioned, and that's rather a lot. Now, as you yourself- He's also lived in the water kingdoms, but I could not say he's underwater because I can't breathe underwater, and thus- Maybe one day-
01:09:43
Speaker
I imagine my sword would not be the optimal weapon for armed combat underwater. I imagine one would want a trident or perhaps a harpoon. Yes, and we are on the trident right now. Yes, yes, that is true. Anyway, what I meant to say- The mountain kings as well, but I don't really love the cold upper atmosphere. When you get near the edge and up into the mountains, the air gets rather thin. And when I attempt to
01:10:11
Speaker
breathe lightning out of my out of my powerful lungs. I find it sometimes fizzles in a most unspectacular way. What powerful lungs you have? I wonder, darling, how long can you hold your breath for? And would you mind demonstrating? Give me a persuasion roll. Five, ten. He says very well and inhales
01:10:37
Speaker
this massive breath and proceeds to not talk through the remainder of dinner no i've got things to say to him okay that's fine he's not responding for the remainder of dinner okay crap well this is kind of a dead end but well you know darling you mentioned that you've sworn fealty to all kings and queens and you see my family is
01:10:57
Speaker
you know rather the right hand of the queen of Ulith or Thayad who I'm sure you know as being one of the rather most influential shall we say monarchs in all of Zav or rather all of as you know the elves call it because no one's rushing us and we've got the time really you know why wouldn't we say the whole name because we are elves after all and our time is more important than everyone else's as we know she is the queen of Ulith or Thayad and rather one of the most prestigious monarchs in all of Zavulandirith Ulith Terendirell
01:11:27
Speaker
Anyway, what I meant to say was given that you've sworn fealty to her as a knight, you've also rather sworn fealty to me and my family being that we're sort of, you know, it's kind of, you know what I mean? So basically you really work for me as well. And what I wanted to know as your queen, essentially, what's the hot goss? And by the way, I command you to exhale and resume breathing normally.
01:11:53
Speaker
I could have gone for at least another hour. That's very disappointing. I believe you and I'm so well impressed that as your queen I'm going to give you a gold star. Give me a persuasion check or it could also be an intimidation given the subtle threats or tone that your monologue carried.
01:12:18
Speaker
He looks at you and says perhaps a more private setting would be more appropriate for the breaking of vows. I perhaps shall invite you to a dance later and I shall, as you say, spill the goss. Okay, yes, excellent. We shall dance henceforth. Now, resume holding your breath. I want to see how long you can do it for.
01:12:42
Speaker
And yeah, he does not speak for the remainder of dinner as he is holding his breath quite fervently.
01:12:50
Speaker
There is several courses brought out, there is pheasant and there is boar, and there is a rather tasty soup that precludes all that, or precludes all that, precedes all that. We'll go with that one. I assumed you meant that the soup did not have pheasant or boar in it. It also did not have pheasant or boar. So while I was not saying what I meant to be saying, I wasn't speaking inaccurately, which is the most important thing to always be honest. Of course. The DM is always right. Except for when I'm wrong. Especially about the contents of soup in this podcast.
01:13:18
Speaker
true first soup of the podcast oh man we gotta describe it now it's a minestrone oh there's the noodles there's the carrot and the celery you gotta get that good stock you know we're kicking things off with a good minestrone good minestrone yum yum yum yum yum
01:13:36
Speaker
Dinner is concluded with a lovely fruit tart for dessert, including beautiful strawberries and blackberries and blueberries. And it's very nice. And after dinner concludes, the peoples kind of stand up from their seats. They leave their chairs behind. And you watch as a half-elf woman. She is dressed in these flowing robes, not a dress. She's kind of dressed in these deep black and like maroon robes.
01:14:04
Speaker
she's got a long almost like waist length hair that's kind of tied into this intricate braid and you watch as she kind of walks through the center of the ballroom and she's kind of muttering to herself and moving her hands in a particular fashion and you watch as the tables and the chairs slowly start to levitate and slide out towards the the walls creating a space in the center of this chamber for dancing.
Dances, Gossip, and Scandals
01:14:29
Speaker
because it is now the dancing portion of the evening. You watch as a string quartet sets up beneath the portrait of Baron Ramos and begins to play. There are two humans playing the violin, there is an elf playing the viola, and a halfling playing the cello. And how does a halfling play the cello, you might ask? They kind of sit on it and do their best. I'm sure he's doing a great job. He is.
01:14:54
Speaker
music begins to play and you are approached by the honorable Xerxes humiliation and he approaches you and the smell of brimstone is getting a little thicker around him it seems like the clone is wearing off a bit and he says my lady would you perhaps consider a dance with one such as i one such as you being of course the second son of an illustrious family yes i would consider it that is quite right yes fine to the dance floor we go
01:15:25
Speaker
with this dance.
01:15:26
Speaker
I am going to require, first off, a performance check, and then second, a check of your choice, a social check. Specifically, it could be deception, it could be intimidation, persuasion, maybe something else, if something else feels appropriate, even like an investigation or an insight, as first off, you are a dancer with them, and based off your performance, that'll decide what threshold you have to clear, how smoothly it'll facilitate gossiping while dancing.
01:15:56
Speaker
Okay, well I got a 9 for performance. Okay. And then I guess I'll do probably if the options are like insight or perception. What else? Investigation. Deception. Deception. Intimidation. Well, it's gonna be deception. It's gonna be a 22.
01:16:14
Speaker
22. You are dancing with Xerxes and he's a pretty intense dancer and you're actually struggling to keep up with him a bit. He's kind of being a bit of an a-hole about it. He's kind of assuming that you're like up to his level and when he should realize that you're maybe not, he does not slow to accommodate the skill gap. Rather he just continues to go and he spins you around and he's twirling you and he's doing all these intricate steps
01:16:42
Speaker
I'm just holding onto my wig and trying to keep it from flying. Yeah. And he says, I hope this speed is suitable for you. And you with a deception of 22, you're like, of course it is. It's fine. It's completely fine. And he says, Oh, wonderful. Were you saying you enjoyed courtly gossip? Was that something you said or just a vibe I picked up on? Uh, yes. Tell me.
01:17:05
Speaker
Well, and he points over to a rather comely looking human noblewoman. She's a little plain in her features and he points to her and says, I hope Lady LaRostra has taken a bugbear as a lover. Good for her. Bugbear's consent? Of course.
01:17:31
Speaker
OK, then I did. You know, that's interesting. How does that impact you on your day to day? I can't say I'm losing sleep over it, but I find it rather amusing. Oh, yes, that's amusing because she's ugly, I guess. And it's a bugbear. Oh, yes. Oh, right. OK, yes, yes, yes. I'm nervous you mentioned it.
01:17:53
Speaker
Oh Xerxes, you are, you are, you are quite the devil. I know. You'll forgive my cheek. It's racist, but I'll allow it. Well, you were racist to me before, so now we're even. Ah, there we go. What a pair we make. What a pair! Now, since we're such a pair, tell me more.
01:18:09
Speaker
I am afraid that might be the pressing information that has seeped into my ears this fine evening. No, that is the most pressing because God knows she might be pregnant and give birth to a human bugbear hybrid. Can you imagine? Yes, it would rather probably kill us all out of...
01:18:27
Speaker
amorphous rage and impotent indignity. And as you say the phrase impotent and indignity the band goes dun dun dun and finishes on this big flourishing note and you're kind of just like your voice cuts through just slightly saying impotent indignity and the song concludes and Xerxes bows to you and says my lady it has been an honor and I hope to see you throughout the summer.
01:18:51
Speaker
Yes. And he steps away off to find a new dance partner, and you have obtained a rumor. The rumor, of course, being that Lady of Arastra, Gimong has taken a bugbear as a lover. Oh, a bugbear, not an owlbear. No, not an owlbear, a bugbear. Oh, my gosh. I was like, owlbears definitely cannot consent. Bugbear, way better. Way better. Honestly, girl, get it. I don't see a single problem with that. OK, who's my next dance with? You look around. I want Sir Quittier.
01:19:21
Speaker
Okay, he is standing off to the side. Is he still holding his breath? Give me a perception roll. Seven. Hard to tell. You don't see him breathing. But you approach him and he looks at you and he nods and he takes your hand and he steps out onto the dance floor. The band starts to play another tune. It's a bit of a slower one. Give me a performance roll. Okay. Oh, Nat 20.
01:19:49
Speaker
Sir Cliteer is not a good dancer, but you more than compensate for his abilities. About halfway through the dance, he exhales and goes, that is how long I might hold my breath full. That was like four or five minutes, probably. It was at least an hour.
01:20:08
Speaker
I don't know, I wasn't looking at the clock, but it was definitely more than five minutes. We agree. It was more than five minutes, yes. Yes. So I guess that establishes that I could swear fealty to a king in an underwater kingdom, perhaps a storm giant king or a triton king. I could perhaps serve him for an hour before I became a liability. Well, you couldn't serve fealty because you wouldn't be able to speak underwater, so you couldn't swear the fealty.
01:20:34
Speaker
Anyway, you have fealty to me, and not to the Stormhold Kings, or the Tritons, or whatever the hell. So- I guess the question is, do you- are you able to hold your breath longer before you exhale, or after, or is it all the same? You know, we're going to find that out later, but for now, I command you to give me the hot goss. Oh, quite right. Give me a very low, because you have rolled very well in this performance, and also you've kind of demanded it from him, you've kind of built towards this. Give me a persuasion or intimidation check, your choice.
01:21:03
Speaker
With advantage? Sure. Really? Sure. Well, what did you get first? I got an eight total. Well, that's enough. You didn't need more than that. You needed a five. Wow. He says, this is, I hope you understand. I will have to stand a vigil once this evening has concluded to atone for engaging in such unnightly behavior. I don't care what you do later. What you're doing right now is giving me the hot goss.
01:21:30
Speaker
By the way, I swear you to secrecy that this conversation never happened. I may have to do a confessional.
01:21:37
Speaker
Okay, fine. But change my name when you talk about me. I cannot confess to a lie or confess to a sin and thus commit another sin in the process. Then I would have to go for a second confessional to confess that I had lied about whom I had engaged in hot goss with. I don't think you truly understand what it means to be a knight. It is a life of rigidity and unflexibility and abject torment by one's own actions at all times.
01:22:07
Speaker
Yes, I believe in experiencing abject torment at all times. I'm experiencing it right now. Now, the hot goss! Oh, should a lady who has not a name in a title by blood and birthright, should say very well consider a knighthood. Hot goss.
01:22:29
Speaker
Oh, yes. All right. Well, I heard that Arrasa's humiliation did not merely leave his familiar home to pursue a life on the seas as is so commonly reported. It is alleged that he slept with the wife of Lord Jasper Bristol and was forced to skip town.
01:22:54
Speaker
You wouldn't happen to know whether Lady Bristol... By the way, the wife of Jasper Bristol, does she have a name? Yes. But have I said that she's still- Are we just gonna leave it as the wife of?
01:23:08
Speaker
I mean, to be fair, I can tell you the name and I will tell you the name. I just figure that, you know, if I say, Oh, he slept with lady, Illy Bristol, I don't think that's going to carry as much punch. You know, the fact that she's a wedded woman. I think that it's a couple three situation carries a little more dramatic flair, but I guess I will also confess to harboring sexist biases that I was previously unaware of. My confessional and my vigil will now last two nights.
01:23:36
Speaker
Good. And while you're at it, why don't we do some reparations right now by you listening to a lady speak and then you speaking and when you speak to speak a little bit less than you normally would. And I think that would rather, you know, be sort of a way to make up for your offenses. So I'm speaking now a woman and what I'd like to say is this lady Bristol, she wouldn't happen to have taken some leave of nine months or something like that, perhaps 20 something years ago.
01:24:07
Speaker
He stares at you and says, I'm afraid I'm not very good at hot gas. I don't, I don't, I don't know. I just knew that Erasis left home because he made a cuckold of Lord Jasper.
01:24:24
Speaker
You know what? Don't be hard on yourself. You're very good at hot goss. That was excellent hot goss. I'm positively titillated. Now, since you have sworn fealty to me, which means that you're loyal to me, of course, for the duration of your life, the entire duration of the rest of your life, I really hate to use the word command. So I'm going to say as one that holds your fealty,
01:24:47
Speaker
No, command's the right word. I command you to seek me out periodically every time you hear information of the rumor variety that you think would be helpful, and you may find me, of course, at the Berthold House, the Berthold Vacation Home in the Sophia District, and being that you are, of course, a knight of the Vaydarks, as I hereby dub thee, bop, bop, boop! You're going to do so with regularity. Yes, darling? Give me a persuasion roll.
01:25:14
Speaker
With any kind of advantage? Nope. Yeah, that's a 21. 21. He looks at you and says, I don't know if I have enough vacation days for that many confessionals, but if I hear anything truly titillating, I shall find you, Lady Vedoc.
01:25:33
Speaker
Very good. What a good set. And you know what? While we're at it, I'm going to say, you know, in my convention as a knight, it's okay to just kind of save up all your confessionals and then do them all at once, like once every one or two months. You'll still go to wherever you think you'll go, so...
01:25:48
Speaker
And the music ends with a dot dot dot. And everyone hears you say, and you'll go wherever you think you'll go. And everyone's like, is that racist? And the song concludes and he stiffly bows to you. And then you watch as he's walking away, he exhales and then doesn't appear to re inhale. Apparently he wants to see which takes longer. And yeah, it seems like, you know, there's like some like dancing with some some real schlubby fellas. You reject a few if the excuse that you need to go powder your nose or refresh your drink.
01:26:18
Speaker
You dance with a few and they don't really have anything interesting or valuable to say. Sure. Do I know who Lord Erasis' humiliation is? Is that the firstborn son? Yes. As you are dancing, can I get a perception check as you kind of dance through the crowd? Spooky. Oh, no. Nine. This is like my third nine of the night.
01:26:41
Speaker
Yeah, you're kind of dancing, you're keeping an eye out. I think you've rolled a nine on like every perception roll up until now. Yeah. And near the end of the night, two things happen. First, a waiter approaches you with a tray of champagne and very stiffly says, drink my lady. No, I don't think I'll drink anymore tonight. Thank you, darling. He nods and kind of walks over to the person next to you, starts offering them a drink. Interesting. What's the other thing that happens tonight?
01:27:10
Speaker
As you're staring at this guy, he's got this close cropped hair and he's got a kind of a slightly crooked nose. As he's like walking off, you watch as he offers a drink to like the group next to you. And as you're kind of like walking him, watching him walk across the length of the ballroom, your attention is drawn away to a woman who taps you on the shoulder and she curtsies and she says,
01:27:35
Speaker
Excuse me, would it be possible to snag you for the last dance of the evening? Of course, certainly. I'm progressive. As she stands up from her curtsy, you see she's got a dark complexion and a rather modest wig, but you know, still a wig, a fun wig. And her eyes are mismatched as they meet yours. You see one is blue and one is green.
01:28:00
Speaker
She takes your hand and leads you out onto the dance floor. And I'm going to have you make one last performance check, please. Oh, okay. That is a 16 performance. Okay. And my corresponding deception or whatever. That's a 25.
01:28:15
Speaker
25. I'm so deceptive. I'm actually gonna say for this one, I don't want a deception roll. I think I want an insight roll. Can I keep the 18? I will allow you to keep the 18. Then I'll just have you add whatever your insight is. Yeah. That is a, I believe it's a three. Oh, it's a six. 24. She is a very good dancer and she is kind of matching your pace and she's kind of making you better than you feel you normally are. She's kind of bringing you up to like the next level of dance. Is she a human?
01:28:45
Speaker
She is in fact a human. Oh, that's my type.
01:28:48
Speaker
And she is dancing, but as you are following along with her steps, you notice that her eyes aren't really resting on you. And you're drawn to these eyes because they're so distinctive. They're mismatched, heterochromatic eyes. They're interesting. And you can't help but notice that they don't really linger on you for more than a second at a time before they go back to the crowd and start darting around the crowd.
01:29:15
Speaker
She appears to be looking for something or someone. Interesting. Okay, three questions. First of all, wherever did you learn to dance, you are positively dazzling. Secondly, what was your name? I can't believe you swept me off to the dance floor without a proper introduction. It's most, most renegade of me to come along with you. And third, what are we looking for? Her eyes snap back to you and she kind of
01:29:41
Speaker
You know, it's like a little half smile that she quickly quashes, but she seems amused by your nature and your blunt line of inquiry. She says, well, first off, my name is Lady Electrovoon.
01:29:55
Speaker
and I hail from Sunfall. You would know that Sunfall is the capital to the east. It is a city with a rather hard reputation in the sense that it is, whereas Erdenin built its reputation on trade and legitimate business, Sunfall's origins are in piracy, and while it has gone a long way to legitimizing itself and becoming, you know, a
01:30:22
Speaker
A proper member of society, if you will. It still kind of holds onto and takes pride in its criminal roots, shall we say. This is going to be tough because Shannon loves piracy. Fondylin probably doesn't like it that much. Yeah. It's a real conflict of interests.
01:30:38
Speaker
Yeah, so yeah, she says Sunfall and I think you don't recognize the name, at least not off rip. It could be because she's from out east and most of the nobles that at least the ones you've come into contact with and the ones you're aware of are definitely to the west of the Wascola Peninsula.
01:30:55
Speaker
As am I. I'm from the West. As you are. Okay, well, very nice to meet you. Lady Electra, if I may call you such. What a beautiful name, and I... Sun Falls. I've not... I can't say I've heard of it myself, but it sounds like a delightful place. The Sun Falling. What an interesting concept, because as we know, the sun's floats. We say back home, I'm going to try a different voice for her, because, you know, fuck it, why not? It's more fun this way. Absolutely.
01:31:22
Speaker
It's we say back on the sun falls from the sky each day is rejected. We spit it back up. We look into the skies and we say to the gods, keep your son. We don't need it. How charming. That's silliness because we're doing it. If we didn't have the sun, it would always be dark and we would probably all freeze to death or something.
01:31:42
Speaker
or something but you know what who would we be as nobles without frankly an egregious amount of hubris honestly we would be just like the rabble you've got to dare god once in a while yeah every day we dare god we say do what you must and when i mean god i mean gods we say to gods do what you must when we will do what we must and life will go on where is the land
01:32:05
Speaker
You know, they say they don't know what happened to Macrog. Well, I think I know what happened to Macrog. I think that all of us blue bloods said, too, enough with you, Macrog. And he was so thusly shamed that he fled into the cosmos.
01:32:19
Speaker
I do think you mean a different god than the one you are saying, but it's okay. Then which god did I say? You said MacRogg, the big dragon guy. Oh, yes. No, of course I meant Gorgak, but the janitor. Right, yes. What a silly slip of the tongue. Now, I feel foolish, so quickly let's distract and talk about something else, which is, what are you looking for? I'm looking for a knight of fun and entertainment and so far. It has met all expectations.
01:32:48
Speaker
You must think I have the business sense of a boundless pilgrim. I know what furtive glances look like. So, let's explain the furtive glances, shall we? Give me a... inside roll.
01:33:01
Speaker
She looks at you and kinda squints slightly and she says, I am looking for a friend. Someone I was hoping to see this evening and he is not here. And I am a little disappointed. Perhaps my search goes on. Perhaps I find him at the next party. Who's the friend? Give me a persuasion roll. Oh gosh, this is too many rules. That's a 10.
01:33:28
Speaker
I don't think you would know him. He's not from around here either. Interesting. Can I do an insight check into like what her demeanor is like? Is she like threatening in any way? Sure. Give me an insight. That's 23. She's threatening, but not in a way that's directed towards you.
01:33:46
Speaker
You start to feel like she's got a hardness to her that you maybe didn't notice at first. Those are a few initial steps. There's like kind of a hardened edge to her that is hidden beneath a wig and a dress. But once you've noticed it, you can't quite look past it any further. And you get the sense that she is not the foppish noble that so many of your contemporaries at this establishment are.
01:34:15
Speaker
game recognizes game. Phonolin would never be foppish. Right, so you know what? Keep your secrets. We're new friends, but I would rather like to be friends. So why don't we start with a bit of an exchange of information?
01:34:32
Speaker
I'm from Ulath Othayad. We have a monarchy. Not so long ago, one of our noble families was ousted and it was rather dramatic and interesting. And also I heard tonight the most salacious rumor about Sir Aras' humiliation. But I shan't say another word, no matter how much you ask, unless you give me something equally interesting and juicy. And then our friendship shall be rather sealed with the pact of shared mutual secrets, don't you think?
01:35:02
Speaker
she smiles oh good she's charmed because that was nightmarish she smiles thinly oh and she says i am afraid i'm not so interested in elven politics or what young humiliated men get up to in their free time
01:35:25
Speaker
We are not the same, to put it simply. I appreciate your company and your dancing. You dance most marvelously. But I think perhaps we are looking for different things this evening.
01:35:39
Speaker
So what were you looking for? You see, there's this thing with elves where we don't understand like subtleties without context and we really look for the context because if you don't provide us with context, you're rather committing sort of a hate crime. So I would ask that you give me some context and the context being what are you looking for exactly? Give me one last persuasion roll. It's gonna be a tough one. 17.
01:36:06
Speaker
She smiles once more and says, as I said, I am not looking for something more someone. And as she says that, the song ends because all songs end with as we've established. Famously. And she curtsies politely and says farewell. Madam, it has been a delight. Perhaps I shall see you at the next engagement or perhaps my business shall be concluded and I shall be back home. Either way, I wish you all the best.
01:36:34
Speaker
And I wish you average sort of middling things because if we were friends, I would wish you all the best, but you rather rejected and spurned my overtures of friendship. So, you know, off with you and good day. She is gone halfway through this procurement for me and she is gone and you're like speaking to the back of a wig.
01:36:51
Speaker
And I hope that you never find yourself near the very dark territory, near the soaring earldom of Ulethor Thayad, because I can't promise that you'll be offered any sort of above standard hospitality, though of course we are most hospitable to all guests as a rule, but it shall be most common hospitality indeed! Lady Elektra! Gone with you, Pish Posh! Okay! Where is that stupid waiter with the drink?
01:37:21
Speaker
You look for him and he has nowhere to be found. Ew.
01:37:24
Speaker
And a short while later, the evening ends. You wait outside as your carriage is brought around.
Reflections and Intrigue
01:37:31
Speaker
Lady Amala is quite drunk. You notice that the Lord is a little tense. He's normally quiet, but he seems a little impatient with her this evening. You're not sure what that's about, but there is a rather quiet carriage ride home. And you go to bed.
01:37:53
Speaker
Wipe off my blocky contour. Wipe off your blocky contour and you tuck yourself into bed and you have a good night's sleep. And you awaken the next morning. What time does Fondylin awaken normally? Well, Fondylin's an elf, so I think- Oh, you don't sleep much.
01:38:10
Speaker
Well, I think that the nobles, I want to say that nobles probably make a show of sleeping for eight hours because it's to prove that they don't have anything that they should be doing. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah, it's a status thing. You don't have to look out, so you sleep when you're an elf and all you have to do is meditate for four hours. Exactly. I feel like I transfer my four hours in a sleeping position and then I just lay there with my eyes wide open for the next
01:38:35
Speaker
four hours like pretending to sleep and then the second that a servant like very early like 6am the second a servant like knocks on my doors I like fling back my covers and I'm like oh thank god
01:38:49
Speaker
You watch as those swirling bits of cosmic stardust outside the window. You watch as the morning approaches, they start to swirl and they start to contract and pull back towards the moon. And you watch as they start to like spark and flitter and flare. And then with almost like an explosion of its own, the sky erupts into brightness as the sun is reborn and
01:39:14
Speaker
a new day has begun. You wait to hear the noise of a servant and you don't have to wait long because there's a familiar rap on on the door. Come in! Fallow is standing there you know she has a letter in her hand and she says so how'd it go last night? Do you know I think without the cuckoldry that I learned about it would have been a total
01:39:37
Speaker
The company was rather dull. There was this one night. I suppose he was somewhat useful. But honestly, Galrin himself couldn't teach him. And then... I don't know. I heard something or other. I heard a juicy piece here and there. Mostly, I danced with this lady who was most off-putting. I didn't know she thought she was of a silence or what, but she was in rather a hurry and she wouldn't tell me anything interesting at all. Anyway, it wasn't the planes of damnation, but it was fine.
01:40:02
Speaker
Good God. Okay. Okay. Okay. Do I get points for that? Rapid firing in universe references? Sure. But they were so accurate. They were all accurate. You gain five points. First to a hundred wins.
01:40:17
Speaker
I'm going to win. Fallow nods along. She's actually like very interested in what you have to say. And she says, well, you must have done something right because this came in for you. And she holds forth an envelope and appears to be sealed with a wax. Oh, do I recognize the seal? You look at it and you see that it is the wax seal is that of a double masted ship.
01:40:41
Speaker
Okay, so I think I see the seal and I kind of give a sigh of relief. And then I give Fallow a look and I crack it open. By the way, like, I feel like our routine is when she comes into my room, I like close the door behind her. I say something like, oh, about time I was wondering when you'd get here. You know, like something like someone kind of noble would say to the help or whatever. And then I slammed the door and then instantly we're just like dishing. So I rip open the envelope. Let's see. And I tilt it so she can see. What does it say?
01:41:08
Speaker
Uh, yeah, it says, my lady, I greatly enjoyed your company on the dance floor last Eve. I was wondering if you would join me in the drifting terraces for a moonlight walk. Signed to the honorable Lord Zixxies. Not signed. Not signed.
01:41:30
Speaker
Ooh, it's definitely a trap, but I don't think Faunalyn would think that. So I'm going to show, yeah, I'm going to say, well, I suppose I made an impression. Now let's do a risk benefits analysis fanno. The risk is that I might have a bad and boring time because if this is from who I think it's from, I kind of don't like him that much.
01:41:51
Speaker
But I think the proposed benefit is that I might learn more juicy hot goss or perhaps even find something that I might leverage against someone like Lord Xerxes, which I think could be most lucrative. And as you know, our timeline is rather tight because I'd like to get out of here and bring you with me post-haste. So what do you think? Have you ever considered, and this is not me passing judgment, just merely postulating, have you considered that perhaps
01:42:16
Speaker
All this hot goss is bad for you in some way that we have not hitherto identified as of right now. It just seems like it might be unhealthy to at a certain point, and I'm not saying we've reached that point by any means, but I just want, you know, that's best for you, you know, and I'm a little concerned. That being said, this could be a match with a powerful house. A love match, you mean.
01:42:40
Speaker
I mean I suppose you could go into it hoping for hot goss but it might also be a love match and then you know you might be able to marry rich and you know blah blah blah do the things that we always talk about you wanting to do you know. Well as you know me marrying is rather complicated right now because marriage is rather entail family processions and you know public announcements and uniting houses and all that so it's a bit complicated but
01:43:07
Speaker
I do sort of see what you mean. And, you know, thank you for keeping me honest. And you know what?
The Risks of Gossip
01:43:13
Speaker
Scouts honor. I shan't hot goss for the day, except that I simply must tell you that Lord Erasis, Lord Erasis, whatever the hell his last name was, he cuckolded this other guy and then he fled the kingdom. Oh, yes. I know. I love cuckoldry. It is the most.
01:43:29
Speaker
Yes, it's the hardest of goths. Now, when you say you love cuckoldry, could you expand upon that or add some clarity that I think might sorely be lacking from my perspective? Thank you, darling. You know, as you know, we elves have a thing with context and I would hate to accidentally do the thing that I so dearly hate when it is done to me. And so I would just say that I don't love cuckoldry in the sense that I wish to be cuckolded, but rather I love when it happens to other people and then I hear about it because it makes my brain tingle.
01:43:59
Speaker
Do you love cuckoldry? No comment, anyway. I know what that means. Another thing we have in common, eh, Fallow? Yes, yes, I suppose. Oh, the stories I could tell, but not today. Do you intend on... Do you intend to meet this mysterious suitor? I suppose I must. He's not a human, though. He's rather not human. And you're not human.
01:44:28
Speaker
Yes, but humans are so sexy and everyone else is so drab in comparison. I like how quickly they- nevermind. I just like something intangible about humans.
01:44:40
Speaker
She rolls a 16 on the die and knows exactly what you mean about humans, but thinks better of calling it out. Well, alright. Do be safe, dear. That's a little peculiar. One second, and she stamps off, as is her custom, and she comes back a few minutes later holding a lacy parasol. Perhaps this shall keep you safe tonight when you're on your rendezvous?
01:45:05
Speaker
Oh my god, yes, it will keep me safe from the UV rays that reflect off of the two moons. That is brilliant. You know, everyone talks about daytime sun damage, but what we really need to be worried about is nighttime sun damage because no one's wearing sunscreen at night. Oh, you are a genius, fallow.
01:45:23
Speaker
Now, I'm no astronomer, but I do wonder if the sun explodes each evening as we've established. How is it that the moons are illuminated? That's something I've oft wondered, but have not found a satisfactory answer on account of me being a handmaiden who does not have access to a great work of astronomical literature.
01:45:48
Speaker
swear to you that I shall find the answer to your noble inquiry and better yet, if ever offered the opportunity, I shall build a house that has an observatory and a library so that you might pursue that magnificent question. Thank you. You have a scholar's heart, my darling. I know. I know. I just love her so much.
01:46:11
Speaker
She's a good'un. You are dressed. She helps you get dressed for the day. And then as evening approaches, the sun splodes once more as she helps you change into a more appropriate evening attire. Is that canon that the sun splodes? At the very least, it's what Faunalyn calls it. It might not be something recognized by all peoples of the world, but at the very least, it's something you and your nearest and dearest would understand. Yes.
01:46:39
Speaker
And I mean, really, it explodes. Are we really not going to shorten that to explode? Come on. We can't even take the time to say... That's true. We're going to take the time to say explodes? Gosh, heavens no. In this busy society? No. We've got the time. We must think we're vesilis. Sure thing, man. Why don't you like it? You came up with these. Why don't you like it when I use them? It's just so earnest.
01:47:10
Speaker
I'm sorry, should I be detached and ironic about everything? Yeah. They must think they have a silence. Do you inform the Lord or Lady of this development? I absolutely do. So you tell Lady Mala about this development, and she is nursing a mighty hangover, but is ultimately quite happy for you.
01:47:36
Speaker
And she says, hey, that's wonderful, dear. Could you close the blind? Of course, darling. I can close the blind's end. By the way, do you think it would be more appropriate if I brought a chaperone? That's an interesting question. I mean, on one hand, it'd be safer. On the other hand, fireless romantic. On the other hand, well, I only have two hands.
01:48:02
Speaker
No, it's not so loud here. I'm sorry. Oh, sorry. It was just rather amusing. It was Droll, which is the best thing a noble can aspire to be. Quite the wit. I just, you know, I know Fanno will probably be sleeping, but maybe Aikwa could come along or one of the stable boys or something like that. And then we could, you know, my propriety would be protected a little more. What do you think?
01:48:25
Speaker
Although I would hate to put you out. Is there anyone you can spare? You know, I do ask a terrible lot of you. I fear that us extremely prestigious nobles from House Vedarch of Budeth or Thyod are something somewhat entitled. And, you know, I would hate to put you out. Oh, it's fine. Feel free to take Gikwa, or perhaps someone else. If you prefer a stable hand, that's fine. No, I think Aikwa will suit perfectly. I'll let her know. Thank you. Very well.
01:48:55
Speaker
best of luck with your uh with your rendezvous well tell me about it uh in the morning perhaps of course and you know what always helps me with post revelry headaches libations give me a persuasion roll i'm not trying to persuade her to do anything i'm just telling her i don't care what she does oh that's a two plus uh five seven no she would have with a two she's like you're right
01:49:25
Speaker
Could you please send Fallow in when you leave? Of course, darling. Thank you, dear. Have fun. And you leave. Sun down or sunsplode comes, and yeah, you inform Iqwa that she is to be your accompaniment for the evening, your chaperone, if you will. What do you wear for this Orandevu?
01:49:48
Speaker
Ooh, I definitely wear not the Vay Darkhouse colors because they notoriously wash me out. I think I just wear something that I think is flattering and nice. Okay. Do you bring the parasol? Of course I bring the parasol. Okay. Got to protect yourself from those UV beams. You got to protect yourself from those UV night beams.
01:50:07
Speaker
very well so you are given the carriage for the evening the lord and lady are not going out they do not need it and thus you are escorted once more over wyman's volley and you find yourself once more in the ruby district you go southeast through the district
01:50:29
Speaker
Occasionally passing by pairs of armed guards or nobles out for strolls. It's a pretty well lit and well maintained area. Eventually the carriage comes to a stop outside this large archway. Large marble arch. Iqua says, my lady, I believe we are here. Thank you, Iqua. Okay, let's do this.
The Drifting Terraces and Ambush
01:50:53
Speaker
Yeah, you step out and you cross under the archway. The carriage driver kind of pulls up and stops there. It doesn't seem like he's going to leave. He's just going to be here when you're ready to go home. And you pass through this archway and you see rising up before you this tiered tower. It's kind of almost imagined like Minecraft blocks, big square
01:51:16
Speaker
blocks, cuboid blocks that have been like put together in sort of a pure middle sort of rising, you know, getting slowly skinnier as it goes up tower. But as you are looking at it, you notice that amongst this dizzying array of right angles,
01:51:31
Speaker
You notice that the tower does not get thinner as it goes up, at least not in a consistent linear fashion. At various points along the length of this tower, there are protrusions that kind of stick out, that almost like branch out from this main heft of it. And you see from these protrusions, you see streams of water that kind of come trickling down, little waterfalls that pour into pools of water all around the tower.
01:51:55
Speaker
which house clusters of water lilies and fat koi fish that are slowly swimming around. You see that the tower is covered in all manner of greenery. You see lush ferns and trees branching out from these different sections of the tower, from these different layers, these different levels.
01:52:11
Speaker
and as you step closer you watch as one of these protrusions you see a large portion of it detaches it's perhaps 20 feet to a side you watch as it detaches and slowly drifts down towards the ground and then reaffirms itself reattaches itself to a lower point on the on the tower and you see as you kind of look around yeah there's like this almost constant movement as portions of this tower are detaching and rearranging and reshaping itself
01:52:38
Speaker
kind of constantly, and you're at the drifting terraces. Whoa, that sounds awesome. My work here is done. Okay! That's a wrap! That's a bit of a flume, got them cool! What do you do? I stare in awe for a minute, and then I remember myself, and I look around for Lord Xerxes. Give me a perception roll. Those have historically not gone amazing for me, but now I got an 18, so there's my comeuppance.
01:53:06
Speaker
Ah yeah, you look around and he does not appear to be here. Wait, what the hell? I wanna double check the letter. Does it give more specifics about where I should meet him specifically? Specifically, it just asks if you would accompany him for a moonlight walk around the drifting terraces. There's shit. Aikwa, do you think I was equal, Aikwa?
01:53:24
Speaker
I... equal, my lady. Je ne sais quoi. But now I do quoi, so thank you for that. Do you think I was supposed to meet him at his estate and then we would travel here together, or... it's rather ambiguous. It's ambiguous, my lady. I don't imagine that would have been the intention. If anything, if you were to rendezvous before the rendezvous, I imagine he would have sent a carriage for you or arranged to meet at your... where you are residing.
01:53:52
Speaker
But I'm also not well versed in dating the nobility, Mum. So forgive me for not really knowing how these things are supposed to go. That is very helpful. You know, you could have surprised me because your knowledge of the rendezvous is on par with any noble that I know, equal. So you know what? You can feel good about that. But seriously, what the hell? Have I been stood up? I barely want it to come.
01:54:15
Speaker
it's possible milady we could wait for a while she gestures towards a nearby band she says we could we could sit and wait or we could walk ourselves I've she kind of like stops for a second and then she kind of very quietly says I've never been to the drifting
01:54:36
Speaker
Oh, well then let's walk. First of all, Lady Faunalyn Vadok does not sit on a bench and wait for a man. And secondly, you know, you work very hard and I think you deserve something of a night off. So let's stroll around and just enjoy things. And do you know what? Just for the night, just for the night. You can call me Faunalyn and we'll just pretend that we're friends. How does that sound?
01:54:57
Speaker
That sounds nice, my lady. I mean, Phonoine. Thank you. Doesn't that sound nice? Okay, stroll we go! She offers her arm to you. This is cute. Is this just how this is shaping out? There was actually no ulterior motive to this letter. It's actually just I get to hang out at this cool spot for a few minutes. Life's nice sometimes. Life's nice sometimes.
01:55:19
Speaker
Yeah, so you start to walk, and as you walk around the base of this tower, you watch as more of these blocks slowly detach and reattach themselves, seemingly at random. You begin to wander through these beautiful gardens that contain a larger variety of flowers than you've probably seen in your entire life. And as you kind of are slowly wrapping your way around the tower, you notice that the blocks, some of them are kind of breaking down even further, these larger cubes are breaking into smaller ones, and it starts to form a set of stairs that start to wrap up the tower.
01:56:02
Speaker
Well, for Orelin, it's more understanding that the city is full of all matter of arcane wonders. Many a wizard, a sorcerer, has sought to impress the city or the nobility with creations such as this, and this is perhaps one of the grandest though, it has truly stood test of time.
01:56:07
Speaker
Oh, sick.
01:56:23
Speaker
Yeah, it's spectacular and all thoughts of rumors and deceptions and getting stood up kind of fades away as you're taken in by just the sheer wonder of this. You feel a wonder that perhaps you haven't felt since your childhood on a certain family trip that you took many, many, many years ago. It's really nice.
01:56:44
Speaker
you start to wind your way up the tower. You start to like make your way up and you see that there's, despite the seemingly chaotic ever-changing nature of this place, there are like bastions. The stairs are taking it to another level and there's a different variety of flora and fauna, presumably from a different part of the world or a different biome.
01:57:02
Speaker
You know, slight fluctuations in temperature it seems that there's some enchantments that make some areas a little more humid or hot and others that are like a little more cool and arid. And as you make your way up you get to maybe the third level. You're passing through this area and there's these beautiful trees and this just bed of yellow flowers and they've got these blooming petals that are just kind of branching out and reaching out towards the moonlight.
01:57:25
Speaker
And it's really beautiful. And as you're kind of running a finger through these yellow flowers, a voice speaks out and says, it's beginning to wonder if you're going to show up. Oh, that did not sound like Lord Xerxes. Show yourself. And stepping out of the shadows, you see a man. He has a
01:57:49
Speaker
close cropped haircut and a crooked nose that implies it has probably been broken at least a couple times. Oh my god. You know, it's a faint scar running from his ear down towards his throat. He is not dressed in the attire of a waiter like he was the night before.
01:58:09
Speaker
The ugly waiter from last night. Are you upset that I didn't take the champagne? Are you waiting here with champagne? That is so strange. I must speak to your manager. Funny that. Don't really have a manager.
01:58:23
Speaker
at least not in the traditional sense. You hear a gasp as Iqwa notices to the left of you a second figure, a halfling. He has an undercut and hair that sticks up aggressively. He's wearing a leather vest. He's got a dagger at his hilt that he has his hand resting on. And the man, the first man, he walks over to one of this bed of yellow flowers and he starts to run his thumb and finger
01:58:50
Speaker
forefinger over them. It's funny. You know what this is called? Enlighten me. Evening primrose. Most people think it's just a little yellow flower, but it's actually a weed. And he watches he plucks one of these flowers and crushes the petals between his fingers. Sometimes something looks like it belongs, and it needs to be pruned. Hope you understand.
01:59:14
Speaker
Yes, the metaphor was... It wasn't subtle! It was cool though, carry on! I need you to roll initiative. Oh, sheesh! Fanno, get behind me!
01:59:28
Speaker
What are the stats on a parasol that was a 17? Oh, fallow. They all look the same to me. 17 for initiative. 17 for initiative. Okay. You will go first. Oh, yes. I'm obviously going to brandish my parasol. Oh, poor Iqua's gonna die.
01:59:46
Speaker
You are first. You are in this garden, on this ever-changing tower, being accosted by two strangers who clearly have weapons. Cool. Yeah, I'm going to brandish my umbrella, which I don't think I know has a weapon hidden inside of it. I think you do. When I pull out my umbrella like it's a sword, does it happen to un-sheath itself and reveal that it is a sword? I will say it doesn't do that, but you do notice that
02:00:17
Speaker
Make, we're gonna call this a perception check, I think, as you kinda just are pulling this thing out. 11. I think nothing naturally happens, nothing is granted upon you, but I would say with an 11, you notice that this parasol is actually kinda heavy. At least heavier than any bloody parasol you've ever held before, by all accounts.
02:00:41
Speaker
good for more to do damage with. I am going to say, you think I'm a weed? You are going to lay and rot with the weeds. And I'm going to swing at him with my umbrella. What's the stats on an umbrella? Well, we are going to have you roll your d20. You're going to add your strength. And yeah, you're not proficient in umbrellas, are you? I am not. That's a 14 to hit.
02:01:06
Speaker
For a beam to hit, that will hit. And then you can do a D6 plus your strength modifier. My strength modifier is a minus one, so that's a five damage.
02:01:18
Speaker
Wow, you rolled a six, huh? Good job. You smack out with this umbrella and bonk this guy on the head and he kind of like, was a little surprised at the heft behind your swing. It hit him a little heavier than he was anticipating. And as you're pulling your umbrella back to you, your thumb kind of runs down the side of it. You notice that there are, you know how there's often like a button to trigger an umbrella? You notice that there are two.
02:01:43
Speaker
Can I use my bonus action to press a button? Sure. I'm going to press the lower button. You press the lower button and you feel the handle of this parasol begins to loosen. Oh, can we, um, time out, time out. I've broken my parasol. Okay. Time out. I'm trying to fix it.
02:02:05
Speaker
As you are fumbling for it, you notice that there is no surprise to you, I'm sure. In the parasol proper, pulling out attached to the handle this, I'm imagining it's like a, is it a curved umbrella handle or is it more of a, why don't you tell me in fact, why I gotta describe everything. What does this umbrella look like? So it is a very old timey parasol in the style of perhaps the Victorians.
02:02:31
Speaker
and it is my understanding that umbrellas of that time more traditionally had straight handles and the curve was later fashion. This is based on like two seconds of googling so no one cite me in any essays but it has a straight handle and the handle I think is you know where there would be like a leather grip it's instead sort of a nice ribbon grip and there's kind of a trailing ribbon coming off the bottom
02:02:54
Speaker
And then the actual like umbrella apparatus is made of really nice kind of polished dark wood leading up into the spokes which hold up this very thin, papery, lovely, lacy, but surprisingly robust.
02:03:09
Speaker
material that's kind of vaguely imprinted with flowers, but it's a very subtle floral motif because fallow knows that I'm not about flashing patterns. And this thing has to go with everything I'm gonna wear. So it's very tasteful. But when I unsheathe it, it still has that same grip that has the ribbon, but it just reveals a very thin but wickedly sharp ripier. Amazing.
02:03:31
Speaker
And yeah, you are probably surprised to see this, but you are not unhappy. The parasol portion drops to the ground and a bit of a clutter or clatter, if you will, and you are now wielding a blade. Iqwa is going to try and stand
02:03:50
Speaker
between you and the halfling, who is approaching from the other side. She's not going to take any actions because she does not really have anything she can do, but she is going to try and keep him from getting to you. The first fella, the human, he is going to step forward. You see that he now pulls out a scimitar and he pulls it out and he is going to swing at you. Ooh, does an eight hit? Ooh, no.
02:04:17
Speaker
So you watch as he swings this blade at you and you manage to channel some, not quite instincts, but, you know, fall back upon some, maybe some prior training and you bring your blade up to meet him and knock his aside. And he's surprised at this. On guard. The other fellow is going to come up. He has a knife and he is going to yell to his friend. He says, what do with the other one? Well, she's seen us. I'm afraid she'll have to go too.
02:04:45
Speaker
and he is going to stab equal and he just hits but he does connect and he slashes her from shoulder to hip and she screams and she collapses. No! Not dead but almost dead. Your turn. Have you been sent to kill me or is there room to negotiate? I suppose the answer is yes and uh possibly.
02:05:15
Speaker
You know who I am. Well, not precisely. I think that's part of the problem. Who I am to the people that matter is Lady Faunalyn Vaidark. And Lady Faunalyn Vaidark commands a hefty price. If you touch me, you will get nothing but what was offered to you. If you leave now and meet at an appointed rendezvous, you will get double whatever you've been offered.
02:05:43
Speaker
Now, here's the thing, love. I don't think you're worth the price you claim to be worth. I think that's part of the problem, based off what our employer has told us. I imagine you might not be worth squat, as it were. So, I'm gonna need a little more than empty words and threats to, uh, steal my blade this evening.
02:06:06
Speaker
I honestly don't know if I can take these guys and I don't want to die first session. But I don't have anything to offer. I don't particularly think. Let me think. Let me think. You're thinking small. You're new to this, aren't you? Not that new.
02:06:23
Speaker
Well, you're acting, if you'll excuse the plant metaphor, you're acting rather green. Now, let me explain to you how this whole extortion thing works. There's the short game and there's the long game. You're clearly playing the short game. You've been hired to do something and you're going to do it and then you're going to walk away and you don't see
02:06:45
Speaker
that when I, Lady Faunalyn Vaidark, am discovered dead, for the months that follow,
02:06:56
Speaker
the priority of this nation will be finding the ones that did it. And do you think that the Lord, and I very well suspect who has sent you, that the Lord who has sent you is going to, what, cover your backs if there's any shred of evidence linking you to this scene? Do you think he has your best interests at heart? He sent you here.
02:07:16
Speaker
to kill a woman with no reconnaissance whatsoever. He had no idea that I was armed, did he? Now, you can accept the coin and then live in fear of being caught, which will very likely happen. Or you can use whatever brain is rolling around loose inside that stupid, ugly head of yours, and you can try to make this a better opportunity. He considers what you say. To your credit, he pauses for a second.
02:07:46
Speaker
And then he sighs and says, you wouldn't be the first to fall off this tower, would you? And he continues to move forward. I will let you make an attack if you wish to. As he attempts to approach. Of course I wish to. You just killed my girl. That's a six to hit.
02:08:07
Speaker
Six is not gonna do it unfortunately. You slash out at him and he just knocks the blade away. He moves forward at the same time the halfling steps up onto the bleeding body of Iqwa and they are going to make their attacks while flanking you now. So the human will go first and oh he's rolling bad he gets a nine. He managed to deflect another blow.
02:08:30
Speaker
the halfling now you're distracted your attention is split you realize the blade he's wielding is not in fact a dagger but rather just a appropriately sized scimitar and he as your attention is distracted by deflecting the first blow is going to slash into you from behind and you take five slashing damage cool my hit point max is nine
02:08:49
Speaker
Okay, do I have to spell this out again? You need information so that you can take what you know about Lord Hamlet, Pilton, and bleed him dry for his considerable estate. Because as I have said, if you kill me now, you will get one payday and then spend the rest of your meager lives going from shitty job to shitty job and killing innocents.
02:09:13
Speaker
Are you happy that you've killed an innocent because there is something better if you would just let me speak and stop stabbing me long enough to get a word out? He flashes you a smile and it looks ugly on his face. His teeth are not nice teeth. And even if they were like beautiful pearly whites, I think it would look insincere on a face such as his. And he says, well, you know, once your job is taken care of, there might be more work.
02:09:41
Speaker
Maybe we'll try our hand at that extortion thing you were talking about. Now, would you please stop fighting so we can just get this over with? And it is your turn. Okay, what are my options here? What are my options here? Think creatively. Think creatively. Iqwa is dead. They're not open to- I can't offer them bribery. I don't have any money. But I can lie. Okay, well, uh, I'm going
02:10:05
Speaker
but they don't think I'm worth anything. He already said he doesn't think I'm worth anything, so I can't bribe him with money. Which means I have to keep fighting, which will obviously be a fight to the death because I have four hit points left. And I don't have any tricks up my sleeve. There's no sneak attack here. Man. Okay, if I run, will it spark an opportunity attack? Yes, two in fact. And what floor am I on? I would say you're about third floor, so maybe 30 feet off the ground.
02:10:33
Speaker
If I use the evade action, will I be able to negate the opportunity attack? That would be the disengage action. I'm gonna use the disengage action, and I'm gonna scoop up the bottom of my parasol, and I'm going to say, well, gentlemen, it's been a pleasure, but I go out on my own terms, and I'm going to run towards the balcony of the nearest terrace and throw myself off of it.
02:11:02
Speaker
I'm going to attempt to land when I hit the ground like in a decent way. I'm not trying to die. I'm trying to escape. But yeah. I need an acrobatics check from you. That's a 12. I am going to roll a d6 and that's going to decide something for us. Okay.
02:11:23
Speaker
So, you are about 30 feet off the ground. You throw yourself off, fully expecting to hit the ground, but you don't. As one of these blocks detaches, as you're falling through the sky, and you fall instead about 20 feet, and because you made your save, you are going to take half damage, which is going to be 2d6, cut in half. So you said you have four hit points,
02:11:47
Speaker
remaining. So if I roll an 8, cumulative 8 on 2d6, you will be at 0 and you'll be bleeding out. If I roll less than 8, then you will be at some number of hit points. First die was a 5, which means we have a 66% chance that you go unconscious here. If I roll a 3 or higher, you are unconscious.
02:12:13
Speaker
And I roll a one. Whoa! Blessed and highly favored. You fall 20 feet and land on a block. Hit it hard. You smack your head on the ground. It's like this smooth tile. And you smack your head on this tile. And your head is just ringing. And your body is trembling. You just feel blood pouring out of this new wound on the side of your head. Another one from the slash along your side. You are at one hit point. As you jump off, you hear them curse. What do you do?
02:12:44
Speaker
I've got to run down. Okay. Like I've got to run out of the tower. And I think I need to raise a ruckus. So as I run at full speed, which is pretty long for a leggy elf, pretty fast for a leggy elf, I'm going to be screaming like, help, help. There's been an attack. There's been a murder. Help. A noble has been attacked. Don't mind me, just rolling some dice.
02:13:15
Speaker
It's a terrifying amount of dice. That was four dice that I heard. That was four death saving throws for our beloved Iqwa. Yeah, she's dead, isn't she? To be fair, she rolled two successes in a row and then three failures. Iqwa, I really wanted to save her. I'm really bummed out. That's why I'm raising a rocket.
02:13:37
Speaker
As you go running down, you watch as these blocks are detaching and like forming under your feet, floating under your feet, like seconds, milliseconds before you touch the ground. But eventually you make it the last 10 feet down to the main floor and you are running and you are screaming and you hear the sounds of men, two men specifically, running behind you, trying to catch up with you.
02:14:00
Speaker
You round a corner in the garden, you haven't gone out of the garden yet, and you run face first into a person.
Rescue and New Danger
02:14:07
Speaker
And he says, is he a guard? Who is he?
02:14:14
Speaker
You look up at him and he does not appear to be a guard. You kind of like clang off of him, you feel like metal. Seems like he's wearing armor, but it's covered by this large cloak. He's got his hood up, he's wearing this long flowing cloak. And you look up into his face, you see these rosy cheeks and a chiseled jaw. And he kind of pulls the hood back and he reveals this light auburn hair that falls to his shoulders. And he says, no, what seems to be the problem?
02:14:37
Speaker
A woman has been murdered in the tower and two men are pursuing me with murder on their minds. At that point, the two men catch up with you. Crap. They run around the corner and he says, now, you rap scallions. I will not let you accost this lady. What is the meaning of this? The human man, he steps forward and says, just give her up and we'll let you away on your way, pretty boy.
02:15:02
Speaker
Oh, I think not. And he tosses his cloak aside and he reveals this long sword. He's got a gilded gabbard and he's got this pommel that's a gem encrusted and he's wearing this complete set of armor. And he says, I don't think so.
02:15:18
Speaker
And he steps forward to meet the two of them. And Blade clashes against Blade. He knocks one of the men, he knocks his blow aside, steps forward, punches him in the side of the head with his pommel, and then stabs him through the stomach. The human man just collapses dead. The halfling sees this and he tries to like jump around like a little between his legs and then thrust up from behind. And he quickly deflects, deflects, stabs him through the eye, drops the halfling, and he says, no.
02:15:48
Speaker
That wasn't very sporting. Two against one. Ma'am, are you all right? No, I'm quite grievously injured, actually. If you happen to have a potion of healing or something of the kind, I would be most grateful. Oh, of course. And he reaches into a little pouch he has and says, never leave home without one. For you, my dear. And hands you a potion. Who are you? Oh my god. Is it a potion of healing? Do you drink it?
02:16:18
Speaker
I want to look at it. It is a red bottle. It's a clear glass bottle holding a red liquid. All right, yeah, drink it, screw it. You regain all of your hit points. Woo! You feel the wound in your sides closes up, the injury to your head, you feel like the bleeding stops, you think you might maybe have a concussion, but you're not actively bleeding out. He says, Prince Elling Malphur at your service, Madea.
02:16:47
Speaker
Oh, wow. I take a curtsy and I say, Prince Malphurth, wow. Well, how can I begin to thank you for your most chivalrous and courageous actions this night? You see, I was set upon by these two brigands and I'm afraid that they rather murdered my lady in waiting. I suppose they wish to extort me in some way. They mentioned something about taking me for ransom and trying to extort my family for my significant wealth.
02:17:16
Speaker
Make a deception roll. Yeah, that was a straight lie. I should probably stop lying so much, but I'm so good at it. I don't even need the advantage. That's a 25. He nods his head and says, that's terrible.
02:17:28
Speaker
I'm very sorry for you and for the loss of your lady-in-waiting, that's terrible. I am new to this city, and it's dreadful that such a thing would happen in such a well-regarded place. I hope that things are not always as such, that this is an isolated incident. Might I escort you home, ma'am, and perhaps I can contact the logical constabulary to tend to your fallen companion.
02:17:55
Speaker
Yes, please. My carriage and carriage driver are parked just down the street and it would be most uncurtious of me if I didn't ask you to accompany back to the place where I'm staying, which is of course with the Viscount and Viscountess Bertholdt. They would be, I'm certain, most delighted to meet and express thanks to the prince who has saved a most cherished friend.
02:18:17
Speaker
very well that sounds most agreeable let us get you home my dear and he uh wraps his cloak around your shoulders and escorts you home yeah i'm gonna beg a prince i'm gonna ignore that do you do you chat him up while you go or you kind of like is faunalyn kind of like shell shocked like reserved as a result what's the vibe yeah normally faunalyn would be getting the hot goss from this prince in whatever
02:18:47
Speaker
manipulative way she could think of to do so. But she has just witnessed a woman die, a woman who she invited out and thrown herself out of a building. So she's actually not feeling that chatty. So I think she's just kind of like acknowledging him when he speaks and she's kind of on like nobility autopilot, like all that stuff she just said about like being a most cherished friend or whatever. She wasn't thinking about it. It's just she's so like,
02:19:12
Speaker
This is what she does, it just came out on autopilot and she just wants to get back to the Berthold's place. And I think he picks up on that to an extent. I think he, as with most nobles, I'm sure he could be quite chatty given the right circumstance. He kind of just makes sure you get home, he finds some guards and he tells them what's happened on the way and eventually you are
02:19:32
Speaker
brought back to the birthold summer villa to their estate house and fallow was waiting up for you i'm so glad i didn't ask fallow to come with me me too oh my gosh it would have been real sad
02:19:46
Speaker
Yeah, you are returned to the estate and Fallow is like beside herself. She wakes up the Lord and Lady who had gone to bed. They are extremely apologetic. You see that the Viscount is mad. He hadn't really heard the story of that preclu- or-
02:20:03
Speaker
precluded, preceded this event. And you see, for the first time since you've met him, I think, Kazran is angry. He understands that you received a letter bearing the seal of a family friend, someone he holds in high esteem, and you were almost murdered as a result. The constabulary tends to equal his body. She is returned to the estate house, wrapped in, you know, like a white sheet sort of vibe. They also drop off part of an umbrella.
02:20:33
Speaker
determining that it's probably not evidence, per se, and you are able to put your parasol back together. Fallow apologizes for not being a little more clear on how that worked, realizing that she kind of just handed you an umbrella not thinking that
02:20:49
Speaker
There was probably a very important instruction that she was leaving out. She's getting a little old. There's some cracks in the ironclad brain of Fallow Kent. And after you are looked after, you are brought to bed. And you rest. You do not fake sleep this evening. You sleep. You sleep long and hard.
02:21:11
Speaker
And you awaken in the morning. And Fallow is sitting on the edge of your bed and it looks like she hasn't slept a wink. And she turns to you and says, what a terrible night it was. First, you were attacked and I've just received news that the Princess Callista is missing. And that is where we will stop. That is Faunalyn's Session 0.5.
02:21:40
Speaker
at the end of this, you reach level two. So you are a little bit stronger, hopefully two vagabonds on a moving tower cannot get such a jump on you next time. But yeah, that is Phonolin 0.5, and we will next see her in session one. Wow.
02:22:12
Speaker
Thank you so much for listening to this very special Chapter Zero. I hope you enjoyed learning a little bit more about how Fondland's story began. I am, of course, your Dungeon Master, Zack Meekle, and I was joined by my sister, Shannon Meekle, who, of course, played Fondland Vadark.
02:22:31
Speaker
If you enjoyed this episode, please consider giving us a five-star rating on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, whatever you use. It really helps us just get a wider audience, which is what we're hoping to do. Meanwhile, consider following us on Instagram, TikTok, X at bard underscore soup. We will be back next week, right? One week, whoa, for chapter zero, Clay's story. It's really good and I can't wait to share with you. See you then.