Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
27. One Day At A Time - With Jenny Robinson
80 Plays5 years ago
Jenny Robinson describes herself as a "Soul being living a human experience as a Mother. Wife. Sister. Daughter. Friend.
Acknowledging the darkness but choosing to live in the light.
Yoga Instructor. Plant Based. Actress. Dancer."
I chose to share this in her bio because when someone describes themselves as a "SOUL BEING living a human experience," it says it all!! Just in that phrase alone you capture her true essence, as well as her spiritual beliefs about life and death.
In our conversation Jenny shared very candidly her mom's cancer journey as well as how the family grieved and mourned her death. Surrender, was a word she used to describe the process.
Listen and be moved by this beautiful Soul Being's journey.
Contact Jenny Robinson: www.instagram.com/Instagram: Jennyrobinsonclark
Check out all the different links she mentioned in our interview:
Www.Awearnessrings.com
A Jewelry company created in honor of our mom who passed away from breast cancer. We hope to connect and encourage others who are supporting, fighting or have won a battle with cancer to share their stories and remind each other that they are not alone.
Travis's song to my mom.
"What I Wouldn't Give"
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=smCSGOGAAY0
Kali's birth video
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6c2Gchc4-dQ
Kya's birth video
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YCkCjqlC9AU
Kinsley's birth video
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=o08m7Hx_pfk
Music for Podcast: www.oneplanetmusic.com
Production: Carlos Andres Londono
Contact Kendra: www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Purpose
00:00:01
Speaker
We bonded more than we had in years. I surrendered and really allowed myself to be there for her because she had given so selflessly her entire life to me that it was my turn to selflessly, selflessly give my entire life to her for that moment because I knew in my heart that
00:00:29
Speaker
that I don't think she was going to beat it. So that was really hard, too, to actually face that, knowing that she was dying. Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:50
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:06
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Guest Introduction: Jenny's Story Begins
00:01:28
Speaker
Welcome to today's episode. I have the honor of introducing to you all a new friend of mine because she's actually my sister's really close friend and Jenny and I have not met in person. We've only met via Zoom twice and it's been in gatherings in which I've been able to participate and
00:01:49
Speaker
her breathwork and even meditation and also yoga virtually. So it's like, I've only met you virtually. And just of what I know from what my sisters shared, and I just know she adores you. I know I've seen your pictures and this is what I can see even just from your pictures and from having been present in Zoom with
Journey to Authenticity and Contentment
00:02:14
Speaker
you.
00:02:14
Speaker
is that your soul shines through your smile and it really like just comes through, like you could see it. So it is just like, yeah, you can see that there's absolute like this, there's a word in Spanish called contento, you know, contentment, like joy, like an internal kind of like, and it's more like it has that peaceful kind of con connotation, somebody that's content, you know, it's like, it's just like, yeah, it's not like,
00:02:47
Speaker
That's the energy I feel from you. Well, thank you, because it's taken me a journey to get to this place of contentment. And I think my smile before was probably not from a place of pure contentment, more of trying to put up a facade. And so through what we'll probably dive into, I think has gotten me to this place now.
00:03:13
Speaker
I truly feel at peace when I am offering my smile and my presence to others. That is so important that you say that and that you acknowledge that because that is big. I think a lot of us are still working on discovering which masks we've kind of worn too long.
00:03:32
Speaker
and are trying to kind of shed that along the way. And I think as we mature and we go through different things and hardships in our life, we start realizing that they don't serve us anymore. And that's when we kind of start letting them go and let the trueness of ourselves shine through.
00:03:47
Speaker
Thank you for sharing that. You see, we already got a huge piece of gold already in the beginning. I usually say we get all these little nuggets throughout a call, but we got a big piece of gold at the beginning with that comment that you made.
Family Life and Personal Reflections
00:03:59
Speaker
So, thank you. So, Jenny, you're a mom of three beautiful girls, all with my favorite letter. All have the same letter of my name.
00:04:13
Speaker
So beautiful. So three girls under the age of four, a busy mom, a yogi, an actor, dancer, and married to a musician, a singer for We the Kings. So very excited to have you. And this time right now is gold for you because it's the time your girls are sleeping and for you to give me
00:04:36
Speaker
that hour of time while they're sleeping, napping. Thank you so much for blessing us here with your presence. Yes. Thank you for having me. I do feel very grateful that I'm able to jump on this call because sometimes the schedule, as you know, can be crazy. So I am grateful and I am excited to dive into this conversation.
00:04:59
Speaker
Yes. So let's go in it. Let's go head first. So my sister connected us because you had a similar grief experience as we have, my sister and I and my brother have had, which is the passing of your
Facing Illness: A Mother's Battle with Cancer
00:05:15
Speaker
mother. So share a little bit about the when and then we're going to just kind of navigate in through here little bits and pieces. So when did your mom pass away?
00:05:31
Speaker
She passed March 17th of 2018 and you're able to ask me any questions along the way. Thank you. I can try and just give you a little backstory. Yes, please. I had moved to Los Angeles in 2007 and I had been there for about six months.
00:05:55
Speaker
I was the first child to move away from home, so my mom was very sad as my dad was too, but I think he was more open to me spreading my wings and leaving, you know, the nest. I was going to say, where was the nest then? Where is the nest? Where is your nest? What is it? My nest was in Orlando, where I'm back. Okay. So you moved six months, you said?
00:06:24
Speaker
After college I moved to Los Angeles and the six months there was great. I vividly remember though getting a phone call one Sunday morning as I was going to church. It was actually in the parking lot before I went in.
00:06:40
Speaker
And, you know, when you get that call, I'm sure maybe you got the caller. I don't know if they sat you down personally, but I was across the country and my mom and dad were on the phone and they said, you know, we have to talk to you about something important.
00:06:55
Speaker
Of course, at that second, my heart sank because I kind of, I don't know, maybe had a feeling, but maybe, I don't know, it was just you when you hear those words, you just jumped to the worst. And so yes, she had been diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007. And I just remember going into church after we got off the phone call and
00:07:19
Speaker
just like the music and praising God and just crying the entire sermon. And that sermon spoke to me and I was just saying, thank you for healing my mom. Thank you for protecting her, keeping her safe. And I left that sermon feeling refreshed and still sad because I wasn't at home with her.
00:07:48
Speaker
And so, but you also, I don't know if you know, but living far away from it kind of takes you out of it. And so I wasn't really aware of what was going on. It was, she got, had a lump back to me after she was first diagnosed and then did a round of radiation and, um,
00:08:14
Speaker
I just remember being in California and just talking to her and my parents weren't very vocal about what was going on, I think, to protect us, which is
00:08:28
Speaker
now looking back not super beneficial and helpful, I don't think, in the healing process. Because they weren't sharing. So for you, not knowing certain pieces of information was not helping you in your own, like, grief. Healing process. I think so. In your healing. I mean, like, in that moment, maybe it was, but because I was unaware and I was just still living my life, which I think is probably a good thing,
00:08:55
Speaker
instead of, you know, going to a dark place, getting depressed and maybe thinking about it too much. So there's that fine line and I understand that they were trying to protect me and keep me safe and not worry, right? Because I guess with cancer, it's one day at a time, just like anything else. You can't really think about the future. You don't know what is going to happen. You could be healed, you could not be healed.
00:09:24
Speaker
I understand maybe why they didn't want to worry me. Right. Because there's so many unknowns. It's very, yeah. It's very, yes. Yeah. And your siblings were still... So how many siblings are you all? Total. So there's four of us. And the other three were still home then during that process? Yes. The younger two were in college though. They were 10 years younger than me and my sister.
00:09:49
Speaker
So, I think for all of us, we were all kind of in a place where we had a lot of other stuff going on, so we weren't really involved too much with what was going on.
00:10:03
Speaker
So another little tidbit is, like I said, my dad was very open to moving to Los Angeles, but my mom always wanted her kids around her because her kids were her life. So unfortunately, me and my mom had some, I think, resentment when I was in California.
00:10:21
Speaker
And yeah, I was away and I could tell that she didn't necessarily want me to have gone. But that's my passion was to always move to Los Angeles and follow my dreams. And so I stuck to that. And then, you know, she was in remission, not for a long time. And then it came back in 2013. It had metastasized.
00:10:50
Speaker
Oh, okay. So 2007 was her, so 13 years ago was her diagnosis. So then you, well, you were, sorry if I backtracked. So while you were in California and they were home, she went through chemo and all the procedures. Yes.
00:11:07
Speaker
and all that. Did you ever in those then before, during that time, did you go back like at certain points on vacation, certain breaks that you got to see her in that fragile state in any of that period of time?
00:11:25
Speaker
So in the early stages of it, I didn't, because I wasn't aware. I think they made it seem like everything's OK. She's going to be OK. So I really wasn't too worried. And I didn't go to any of her appointments. But then we were on a family vacation in 2013, when actually my husband Travis was with us.
00:11:52
Speaker
so kind had bought us all a townhome to stay in in Colorado and invited my parents and everything and on that trip my mom told us that it went into remission. I could tell she was off during the whole vacation and I wasn't really sure why.
00:12:12
Speaker
Um, so yeah, so that was, that was tough because we were all together and we're all so happy. I just met Travis. And that's what I was just going to say. Like, because then you met him for you being in California. Yeah, we met in California in
Family Bonds and Significant Life Events
00:12:25
Speaker
2013. There was a, there was a purpose you had to be in California. You see like you were, that was the whole reason you had to move there. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. When you look back, you're like, wow. And I have no regrets. Um,
00:12:40
Speaker
But yes, that is one of the reasons. Yes. One of the main reasons. Yes. So then you're there. Were your siblings there too when you guys were in Colorado? Yes. Okay. So you were all there. She shares the news of it coming back. And then what was the journey then from there on? That seems to have...
00:13:03
Speaker
Yes. It all has touched a little bit of a chord when I rehash all of the memories. It's hard to talk about, but it's good to talk about.
00:13:16
Speaker
because me and Travis got engaged in 2000, and we got married in two, I can't remember. My memory's like, what? Mombre, Mombre. Okay, so here. If you want to go nap with the girls, should we postpone the podcast? We might, we might have to. Oh my gosh. Okay, so Travis proposed in,
00:13:46
Speaker
May of 2014, and we had gone on that trip in March. So Travis proposed, I thought, actually everyone thought he was going to do it on this trip. You know, just to throw that out there, whatever, he didn't. That would have been a little of a, you know, interesting kind of combination of emotions. Right, that duality.
00:14:10
Speaker
So I guess it was a good thing. So we got engaged in 2014. We decided to have the wedding in December of 2014. So everything happened really quick between Travis and I and I'm really so grateful that it did because
00:14:27
Speaker
my mom got to meet him in September of 2013 before everything came back and she had such a love for Travis and Travis had such a love for her. Their bond was so incredible and
Returning Home: A Decision to Be with Family
00:14:43
Speaker
I think he brought her so much peace. Oh my god, she was like his biggest fan. This is all bringing like so much emotion back to me now that I'm like talking about it. But yeah, she would like be front row in all of his shows.
00:15:01
Speaker
When she got really sick, she couldn't make some of them. So we would FaceTime her and she FaceTime in to the shows and yeah, their bond was beautiful. Did she know who he was? Did she know who he was as a musician prior to you guys starting dating? I didn't know. Did she become a fan?
00:15:25
Speaker
After. After. Oh, that is so beautiful. How supportive and beautiful that was. Yeah, she had, oh my God, such a blast at his shows. And one of his songs was, you know, Just Keep Breathing. And so I think that song really got her through a lot. It's a beautiful song. And he wrote a beautiful song for her funeral. Anyway. Oh my gosh.
00:15:45
Speaker
You're going to have to send me that one. If there's a link to that one, let me know because we could put it in the show notes. If there's any of those links, because I know your husband's done several YouTube videos and stuff of these songs. So any of these that you feel that the listeners are hearing this and if it could help them, yeah, please let me know and you could put those in the show notes.
00:16:09
Speaker
Yeah, I don't even know if you put that song out, but I hope you did because it was beautiful. So I'll let you know. So I'm kind of getting off track and going all over the place. No, no, no. Well, this is what I say with conversations in general. It's kind of like grief that it is not linear, really. Like, you know, it's the same. Like, the conversation can kind of go. It doesn't have to be linear. We could jump, you know, at least started at the fact that we already know that your mom passed away, but we're going into the other parts, too, and which are all
00:16:37
Speaker
you know, so important. So, so no, please continue. So then you guys the marriage was then May 7, May, December, December, okay, engaged in that year. Yeah. Okay. So wish you were able to be at the wedding that December and where did where was it? Was it in California? Was it in Orlando? Or where was Travis from originally?
00:17:00
Speaker
So we met in California, but he was from Florida. So it was like a beautiful, you know, when you write down like what you want in a mate. He like checked off all the boxes. I really wanted someone that was from Florida so we can visit our families together. And it was beautiful. And so, yes, my mom was at the wedding and we actually decided to have them redo their vows during our ceremony. So my mom and dad were able to stand up and
00:17:29
Speaker
celebrate their love. Beautiful. Yeah, what's the word to when you redo your vows? Yeah, renew their vows. Oh my gosh, I was so grateful that we had that happen at our wedding for them because it really touched my mom. So anyway, so yes, so then I got pregnant.
00:17:52
Speaker
two months later and after that Travis was like I think we should find a house in Orlando and I was like I want to be in California I love California even though my mom was sick I think it was probably a helping me to not really be in it to be far away and I wasn't facing it but we decided to move back and
00:18:16
Speaker
in 2015 and we bought a house here in Orlando and it was the best decision I had ever made in my entire life. We bonded more than
00:18:28
Speaker
we had in years. I surrendered and really allowed myself to be there for her because she had given so selflessly her entire life to me that it was my turn to selflessly give my entire life to her for that moment because I knew in my heart that
00:18:52
Speaker
that I don't think she was going to beat it. So that was really hard too to actually face that knowing that she was dying, you know? And that came like a year after we had moved. I remember vividly. The realization. Yeah. The realization that that was what was happening. The journey was going to lead to. Yeah.
00:19:17
Speaker
Yeah, I remember just crying, just yelling at Travis saying, she's dying, she's dying. And like, no one, everyone was trying to be so positive, like, oh, she'll make it through. She'll try, she'll have another, she'll do another trial, another test trial. She did so many different trials and drugs and chemo.
00:19:35
Speaker
I knew it wasn't helping. It's just so hard because I can relate to what you're saying of the aspect of one still keeping your hopes up in that process, but at the same time not being naive about it either. That's kind of how our family was. That duality was very prevalent throughout
00:20:02
Speaker
all of it in all of our cases like sometimes like my mom would say things that we'd be like oh okay does she realize like you know like you know she's like oh no i want to save that i want to save those clothes you know for afterwards because you know like or something you know and then we'd be my sister and i would look at each other like oh you know and then but then they'd be like so
Balancing Hope and Acceptance in Grief
00:20:23
Speaker
We'd be like looking at, you know, burial plots, you know what I mean? Like it was that contrast of like, oh, yes, it was just so I totally can relate. Yeah, you want them to live so badly. And for me, I was doing everything in my power that I could because I personally
00:20:44
Speaker
believe in alternative medicine and holistic medicine. And I was trying so hard to get her to try something different. I was pumping my breast milk for her to see if that would give her nutrients that she needed because she was just taking all these drugs and not doing anything to
00:21:02
Speaker
enhance her immune system while doing it like nothing you know she wasn't eating she wasn't she would have Starbucks Frappuccinos and Chick-fil-a because that's what her body was craving but that's what the cancer was craving and it was killing me inside seeing her you know put that into her body along with the drugs and I got to a really angry place and like was in that journey yeah so mad that
00:21:27
Speaker
she wasn't trying anything or doing anything different to help, you know, cure this or, you know, prolong. And that's one of the things that I that that aspect of nutrition, that's one of the things I noticed in my mom's cancer journey, too, like when, because she was so, so thin, and they needed to get her to be in a weight, hopefully to be able to operate if if the tumor reduced.
00:21:56
Speaker
I remember that the doctor would just say, oh, you just eat some ice cream and things like that. My mom's like, he just said I need to eat whatever, but I need to eat. And I was like, but it just doesn't make sense that they're like, you know, it just didn't make sense. Like, yes, I get it.
00:22:17
Speaker
But that part of nutrition was just missing in the healing journey in the medical component of it. My sister and I, we would do and she would also research, she was always into holistic medicine too herself, but at this point she kind of surrendered to traditional.
00:22:37
Speaker
That was kind of what she did. But, you know, everybody's journey is, you know, and it's respected and everybody's choice. But yes, but when you struggle with those decisions, too. So the moment I decided and I chose to honor her, to respect her, to surrender to what she wanted, not what I wanted. This is her journey. This is her path. She is going to choose for herself what she wants to do. I can't.
00:23:06
Speaker
I can't do it. And it was killing me inside knowing that I couldn't. But the moment that I stepped back and I said, thank you, God, I know that this is her path. This is her journey. I need to let go. I let go and let God. And it was a moment our relationship turned its pages. I was there for her. I was like not judging her. I was not
00:23:30
Speaker
forcing her, attacking her to try something new. I just was there with her holding her hand talking to her being with her and it was the most beautiful thing that I could have ever done because like I said I have no regrets.
00:23:46
Speaker
you know, stayed in California or didn't come back, like I would take Kinsley with us to every doctor's appointment with her and Kinsley would brighten her days while she was there, like waiting to get anesthesia, I would go back in the room with her, I would play with her hair and I would, you know, so the moment I surrendered and just was there for her.
00:24:04
Speaker
You were able to be present. Yeah, present and what was happening. And I just remember like the last week of her life, I would go home and I would just lay in bed and I would breathe in love and exhale fear and say that to myself. And because I'm sure like no one can sleep during that time, but I like, I had to choose something to get me through it. And that helped so much. I was, I was at peace finally by the end, you know, I was at peace with what was happening.
00:24:34
Speaker
And we were all there with her and it was the most beautiful thing. She passed away in their home and my little sister was holding her hand and she yelled to everyone because we were
00:24:46
Speaker
arranging things like out in the living room and we all ran back to the bedroom and she took her last breath and smiled and I cried my eyes out but I was saying thank you God, thank you God and just like raising my hands and like I could feel her soul lifting and it was beautiful and I wanted to be there I was there I stayed with her until you know the hospice truck came or the funeral I don't know what what is the word
00:25:14
Speaker
I also forgot that, yeah, it's not the, it's the mortuary. I forget the name too. I forgot. Yeah. Until they came to take her body, which was, and then the sweet guy that came to take her body, we would always, before we left the house, my parents' house, everyone always honks two times and everyone's outside waving. No one goes back inside before anyone leaves. And the sweet guy honked two times for, you know, my mom and laughed. It was like,
00:25:45
Speaker
Oh, so it's a tradition. So every time you leave the house, so it doesn't matter if somebody's leaving your house at like two in the morning, you're going to honk and wake up the whole neighborhood. It doesn't matter. Yep. And honk two times. I would never really leave my parents' house at two in the morning, but this all.
00:26:02
Speaker
So then you just told him then if he could just honk when he was leaving. And he did. It was just so sweet. That's beautiful because it's honoring that tradition.
Healing Through Spirituality and Expression
00:26:12
Speaker
Now, spiritual wise and religious wise, you mentioned church. Was that something that then held you through that, the aspect of meditation? What were some of these tools you used in the journey of her
00:26:27
Speaker
of her sickness and then what have you been using now since her passing? Yeah. So like I said, in the early stages, I was going to church in Los Angeles and it gave me
00:26:43
Speaker
so much peace. I was raised Catholic. I was going to a Christian church in Los Angeles. When I moved to LA, I was, I love how the Baha'is say that you should always search for your own identity or your own truth. What is the, what they say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Individual investigation of truth. Yes, individual investigation of truth. That's exactly what I did when I moved to Los Angeles. And that's when I met the Baha'is actually, that faith.
00:27:12
Speaker
And so I was exploring all different faiths, which was helping me. The people I was surrounding myself with were so positive and prayed with me. And I could, Travis's mom too, I have to say was, she's a big Christian and her prayers, she was with my mom so many times too, where she would just pray over her and I could call her anytime and she would pray with me on the phone.
00:27:39
Speaker
And that gave me a lot of peace because her faith is so strong and she has actually battled cancer twice in her life And I think that her faith has what has gotten her through it So I think that's a very big part in healing having something that you believe in whether it's God a higher power, you know, I
00:28:01
Speaker
which whatever it is is really important. And so that helped me a lot in the early stages. And then when I came back to Florida, I was meditating and doing yoga and just getting to that place of silence where I can actually
00:28:22
Speaker
let go of any of the thoughts that I was having because I had some crazy thoughts during the whole process, especially when she got sick during the end, you know, and yeah, the anger and the sadness and the depression and mind you, I was pregnant three times during her
00:28:38
Speaker
Well, two times during her sickness and then once after she had passed. So all my birth. So you gave birth to your second one while she was still alive. Yeah. So I had two babies in my, I had all three babies in my home and my mom was able to come to the first two births.
00:28:56
Speaker
She was there with me, yes, with Kinsley, and she was there with me through Kaya, but Kaya, she was the sickest. And this is another crazy topic too, where, you know, that has so much to do with the birthing process because I was most angry and most sad with Kaya and her birthing process was the most difficult. And
00:29:18
Speaker
like allowing, you mean your body to surrender in the moment? Yeah. The tension itself. So you surrender to your mom's illness, but yet something, or had you already at that moment when you were having Taya, had you already surrendered to the illness itself and the purpose?
00:29:41
Speaker
Right, so I said in our conversation that I had surrendered, but obviously I had not. And like you said, it's like a journey, right? So I think I had surrendered. I said, I surrender. But that was when she was most sick with Kaya, because Kaya was born and she passed six months later. So yeah.
00:30:08
Speaker
So yes, during that birthing process was the hardest getting Kaya out. And after Kaya came out, I was like, I can't do this. I was crying, but not the crying that I had during Callie's birth, which was the recent one. Because with Callie's pregnancy, I went through yoga teacher training. I saw so many different healers that, can you hear those dinging things? Dinging? Can you hear any dinging? I hope not.
00:30:33
Speaker
I don't hear dinging. Okay, good. Okay, sorry. I hear as if you like touch like anything, I don't know if you have a, if your microphone is on your chest. Oh, yes, it is. I keep touching my chest. Yeah, so those parts I hear. So I've got to kind of take notes. We'll see if we can edit those a lot. Sorry, people, but it's okay. I'm touching my heart so many times because I think it helps when I'm speaking.
00:30:57
Speaker
Absolutely. No, no, no, no worries. So then, yeah, continue. You had seen some healers and you had with Callie. Yeah, it's my last birth with Callie after my mom had passed because I was working through things obviously with the grieving process and thinking that I was okay and then getting to these healing sessions and then just crying my eyes out.
00:31:21
Speaker
It was a beautiful thing that I did that through that birth because Callie's birth was the most beautiful birth I have had. Kinsey's was beautiful because I wasn't aware of what was happening and my mom was right there with me holding my hand.
00:31:37
Speaker
As I said, Kaya, she was the sickest and it was more difficult. And then Callie, I had let go of a lot of sadness that had to do with my mom's passing and my worry of her not being there and anxiety of her not being at this birth because she was at the other two births.
00:31:54
Speaker
Um, and everything played out just the way it was supposed to that day. And it was the, one of the most beautiful things I ever experienced. It was raining and I knew she was there. My mom was there with me. And it was rain for you cleansing. I knew that she was crying and like, yeah, so happy.
00:32:18
Speaker
So yeah, so that and, you know, all of my birth videos are on YouTube. And Travis wrote a song to each child. I have to see the other two because I've only seen Cali's. I haven't seen the ones with your mom.
00:32:37
Speaker
That's beautiful. You wrote for each one of those journeys of your pregnancy and for the delivery. And did you only hear those songs after? When would he tell you that he'd written a song? Yeah, after they were born. I knew that he was writing them, but I would hear them after they were born when he put this beautiful video together of he filmed all of them.
00:33:04
Speaker
Yeah, the songs are unbelievable. He's so talented and I'm grateful that That I have him as my sole partner because he helped me through so much of this process to that You know the grieving process he was such a rock when I was such a mess. Oh my god he endured so much of my pain and my anger and I
00:33:30
Speaker
you know, didn't once raise his voice back at me or was just super, super supportive during all of it. And I'm very, very grateful for that.
00:33:42
Speaker
So we could we could we could name Travis as one of your tools and your. Yes, yes. Yes, that's so important to have a support system and someone. Yeah. And that gets you and like you said that that knows that some of these behaviors that you might express are part of that grief.
00:34:00
Speaker
I mean, the thing is that he could empathize with you because if his mom had been through cancer too, you had a relatability of that pain of even just going through an illness itself, right? Yes, but I think I also held a lot of resentment towards him because he looked at my mom as his mom.
00:34:25
Speaker
But I'm like, your mom hasn't died. You don't know how I feel. That was one big thing that I was deeply resentful about towards him, that he still had his mom and he was trying to help me through all this, but didn't really know how I was feeling because he hadn't gone through it. It's different when you go through it, I think.
00:34:50
Speaker
Yeah, it definitely is different, but it's also that fact that even like with your siblings, I'm sure you each grieved very differently, right? So, and the same with your dad. So even though you've all experienced the same thing, it's still different. And I need to honor his grieving too, you know, because he- She was his number one fan. I know.
00:35:10
Speaker
He wasn't for one face. He was going to miss that cheerleader in the front row in his concerts and face timing to see his concerts. But yeah, it's true. Honoring, respecting that it's going to be different and that we always want to feel like, I don't know, when we're in the middle of it, we feel our pain is just
00:35:34
Speaker
So yeah, it's only our pain right or something. I felt like it was all in my pain because I was the one losing a mom. Exactly. And he was he was also in pain not only
00:35:49
Speaker
because she was passing away or she had passed away, but also seeing his wife, the woman he loved in so much pain. So it's like a double whammy too, because he's seeing you go through that grieving journey too and not being able to help.
00:36:04
Speaker
really truly take that pain away is also very hard for somebody that's watching. So I can relate to that. So then prayer, meditation, yoga, support system, all these community aspects, all these things were things you embrace now.
00:36:26
Speaker
Did you ever, you said you're a dancer, did you ever dance in some way to express any or release or anything as well in your journey? I think through yoga is when I would do that because
00:36:43
Speaker
When I moved back, I unfortunately didn't dance as much as I was in Los Angeles. But yeah, even moving in my house, I should have done because that is so freeing for me. And I really connect to my true self when I'm in that element. But you know, I didn't. And so maybe that was something I could look at now too, to express my emotions and feelings through all
Building Connections: Awareness Rings and Communication
00:37:06
Speaker
of this. Because like you said, it's a journey.
00:37:08
Speaker
It is, it continues. Things keep coming back, yeah. I do have to say we did start a company in honor of my mom called Awareness Rings. Oh, yes, that's one of the things I wanted to get to too. Tell us, tell us. Well, it's on hiatus right now because I was pregnant with Callie and
00:37:29
Speaker
There was a lot going on and she just passed. So I'm still trying to work it out, but I wanted to create this company that people can connect. People can know that other people are going through similar situations as them.
00:37:44
Speaker
It's a jewelry company. And our logo represents our parents and the four sisters. It's kind of like an A with four lines on the inside and then two circles surrounding us, which is representative of my mom and dad who have always protected us, supported us community. And I wanted people to wear this symbol and
00:38:10
Speaker
know that when they saw someone else wearing it that they could offer a hug or ask them what their story was or connect on a deeper level and just know that they aren't alone even if it's you just see it and you're like oh wow someone else is going through something difficult and so am I. So that's where it stemmed from and also because
00:38:33
Speaker
with my family, it was so hard to communicate during these times about anything, especially about her sickness. And so we weren't communicating. And as I've come to find for me, speaking and talking about it is something that can heal tremendous wounds, letting it out, expressing it. And so I wanted people to be able to talk
00:39:03
Speaker
and get it off their chests because that was something my mom didn't do. She never once wanted anyone to know about her illness. So she never spoke about it. She hated the C word, the cancer word. And yes, so I think it's so important to, to,
00:39:23
Speaker
own what's happening in your life or to accept it so that you can move past it. Right. And so I never, I never think that she accepted it to move past it. And it's kind of like, that sounds like the, do you, do you, do you ever read the book going on? We're going on a bear hunt. Have you ever heard that song or book that we're going to catch a big one? No. Yes. Yes. I haven't since like I was younger, but yes.
00:39:53
Speaker
Oh, okay. Well, I would say it and I used to own a children's gym, and so it was one of the things we would do the kids, but then I had a book for my kids when they were little that was about it, but it's like you come into a field and it's like we can't go over it. We can't go under it. We have to go through it. Right now, when you said that aspect of
00:40:17
Speaker
acknowledging that there's something we're having to deal with, you can't, you really, there's really no way around it. You have to go through that. You have to go through it. You have to acknowledge that it's there and just, you know, in order to really pass through certain friendships. Yeah. And so that's right now what you're, what that kind of
00:40:39
Speaker
brought to my mind was that image. And I think it's what you were expressing to like that conversation, the aspect of like by wearing the awareness, you know, it's so it's a it's a word. It's kind of confusing. So we're kind of in, you know, constant conversation about how we can really make this land with people and connect with people. But it's, it's a necklace. And it's, it looks like the shape of a little circle of ring.
00:41:08
Speaker
And that's what the ring is. Yeah. Got it. Got it. Like the Olympic rings, you know? Yes. That's their symbol. So, yeah. Ours is like the little ring. Yeah. I've seen the logo, but do you have other things too? Because doesn't my sister have like- Yes, apparel. Or apparel. Yes. Okay. Okay. Yes. Because then the apparel's there and then that way. Yeah. So, it's apparel.
00:41:30
Speaker
The apparel isn't there anymore because North Face has a similar logo and we got their lawyer got in touch with us and so that's why we're kind of revamping why we've been in this hiatus because
00:41:43
Speaker
The logo is so similar to that of North Face, but they're allowing us to do jewelry. So that's why we're trying to kind of revamp. But when I met Catherine, I gifted her the necklace because I knew her story and that's when we connected and we had coffee and we talked and it was so beautiful. And that's when I have conversations like that, it inspires me to keep going with it because
00:42:10
Speaker
I think it was healing for me and her to sit down over coffee and just know that we both have been through something.
00:42:17
Speaker
It's really tough. She called me after that coffee date. She called me. I remember it was like, Jasmine, it's all funny. And so it is so true that that aspect of finding that connection with that is just, it just kind of takes you into this deeper friendship so quickly, right? Like you kind of already know that somebody's been through something similar to you that you could relate in just another
00:42:46
Speaker
another level. So yeah, I know. She's completely like, I think after that coffee date, yeah. It was like, it was just a bonding moment for you both. The other thing too, the aspect of how you were all grieving that was a little bit different than you felt that things needed to be talked. Has that improved through the years or do you still feel that everybody has their own way and how they're, like for you, like you're like me, like I like to talk about it. That's why I've got a podcast about to
00:43:16
Speaker
I have a podcast, let's talk about it. But there are other people that don't. And for us that may express it in this way, can't feel frustrating when others don't.
00:43:31
Speaker
But we also have to again, back again to honoring that just like how it came to the surrender of even just acknowledging that that's how your mom wanted to do in the same process I think has to be with how we acknowledge that everybody in our life just has a different way in which they're navigating their grief. I think they express differently. That's so hard for me. But yes, that's so true, you know?
00:43:58
Speaker
I guess I am connecting that to my mom's illness and that maybe I'm labeling it that she wasn't getting any better because she was keeping so much inside. And so I think what's important is to find an outlet to grieve, whether it's talking or me dancing in my bedroom or something.
00:44:22
Speaker
painting, right? I heard in a grief support, I don't know, webinar or something like that, they were talking about the people that are doers, like let's say somebody that loves to work, like work, work, work, work, work, and then they have a death in the family and then
00:44:47
Speaker
they go back, you know, they go back to work, work, work. And then you think, wait, wait, wait a minute. They're not taking time. They're not taking down too great. Like somebody that's a feeler, like a feeler, like we are. The feeler's kind of like that. We do not relate to that because it was like, wait, but that's not what I would do. I would like be in my bed for like a week and just feel it and feel all the emotions and cry and this and you know. But for people that are doers,
00:45:17
Speaker
that's the way that they cope. You know, you know, so is that the way they cope? I'm like, Oh my gosh, I know their way is not my way of my ways. Can you just sit down for one second with that help or no?
00:45:37
Speaker
It's weird, but it's just because it's different because for that person that's keeping busy, even though we may see it as like, oh, they're keeping busy so that they don't think about it. No, for some that keeping busy is the way that they are coping, which could be the opposite for somebody that let's say it's a feeler and all of a sudden you're keeping busy, that's different.
00:46:01
Speaker
You see, that may be different. There could be avoidance. How you would normally deal with things would be more in the feeling thing and all of a sudden you're just doing all these things to keep yourself busy to not feel that. You know what I mean?
00:46:18
Speaker
I don't know. That's a different topic. Oh no, it's still part of the same one. It's still part of the same one, but it's still that aspect of, yeah, sorry. Yeah, we throw all these, because any of these things, whatever comes in the conversation, if it ends up being that the listener can relate to any little bit of it, that's the goal or connect in some
Keeping Memories Alive: Traditions and Legacy
00:46:39
Speaker
way.
00:46:39
Speaker
So now with this, then we have the awareness rings and that's another way that you're processing then the current grief of being able to create that and honor her. And what about with the girls? Tell me a little bit of how do you share with them? Because then the only one that maybe really truly remembers her a little bit would be Kinsley.
00:47:04
Speaker
So, how do you keep her memory in your life, her in your life? That's so good. I know. She would always say Gigi here, Gigi here whenever she would talk to Kinsley and even Kaya for the first couple months or whatever.
00:47:22
Speaker
And now they, any ladybug they see, they say, oh my gosh, Gigi's with us, Gigi's with us. Whenever we're in the pool, there's like ladybugs everywhere and they're like, oh my gosh, Gigi, Gigi, can I hold Gigi? And so...
00:47:39
Speaker
How did they come up with the ladybug being the symbol? Was it something for you that meant a lot or was it something that meant a lot for your mom? Yes, my mom loved ladybugs and I think during the last few years is when she really got into them.
00:48:00
Speaker
So that was just our animal for her. My mom's sister unfortunately passed away too of breast cancer. She had breast cancer but then it metastasized and she got pancreatic cancer.
00:48:17
Speaker
And so her kids after or before this so yes, so this was before my mom and then her mother passed away to before she passed away, so I know to for her that was Two of the most traumatic things she had witnessed because she was there with them in the hospital both of them and so You know having her mom pass and then her sister pass of cancer much Yeah, you know like how can you try and train your mind to be like?
00:48:47
Speaker
to not think that that's going to happen to you when you're diagnosed with cancer. I just know she was so fearful and it was so empathetic towards her feelings. Her sister passed and her kids call. Anytime they see butterflies, that's Aunt Sue. Ours is the ladybug with Gigi and we talk about her all the time.
00:49:14
Speaker
you know, show pictures and my dad's still so madly in love and talks about her and anytime he writes the cards and birthday cards, he'll say from Gigi and Poppy, you know, yeah. So he always incorporates her and everything and we still celebrate her birthday and you know, get a birthday cake and sing happy birthday to her. Yeah.
00:49:38
Speaker
it's only been two years but that's how we still you know still yeah thank you so much for for sharing that it the because you know sometimes the not not talking is also something that some families choose to do to not talking about the loved one and um
00:50:00
Speaker
And acknowledging those milestones like a birthday or anniversaries, what do you do for the anniversaries? Oh yeah, so on Awareness Rings 2 we have a blog post where we've written some articles and one of them is how to celebrate
00:50:17
Speaker
the celebration of the passing, you know, of life. And so there's some different techniques, but we personally will celebrate it. This last time we went down to the Springs where my family lives. It's this in the neighborhood. They have this freshwater Springs and that's where we had her funeral too.
00:50:37
Speaker
What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that?
00:50:54
Speaker
No, that I forgot that I've only been one. So yeah, so we were fortunate enough to live in a neighborhood that had a freshwater Springs like that. And so we had our funeral there, my little sister got married up there. Oh, beautiful. The moment my mom drove into this neighborhood, she said, This is where I'm living.
00:51:11
Speaker
And they still have their house there 40, 50 years later. So it's a really special place for us for many reasons. And so we'll go up there and celebrate her life and write notes and send them up in balloons, even though that's probably not good for the environment.
00:51:31
Speaker
But, you know, it's the thought that counts. Maybe next year we'll do something a little different. You compensate, you do other things for the environment that override the fact that you send out balloons. So it's okay. And she loves painting rocks. She loves painting rocks and leaving them. So that's another memory we do. We paint rocks and we leave them in different areas of the neighborhood.
00:51:58
Speaker
So yeah, another way to honor her many so many different ways and and it's those little things that when somebody else is gonna see the little rocks is gonna You know brighten their day. So Yeah, her memory lives on not only through you guys, but then how you're passing on that Kindness and that love through these little expressions too.
Conclusion and Tribute to a Mother's Legacy
00:52:22
Speaker
So that's beautiful and through the awareness rings and all the right awareness ring and
00:52:26
Speaker
Rings company and everything. I'm sure it will revamp soon. Is the website, can people still go there or the blog? Awarenessrings.com. It's spelled Wear, W-E-A-R.
00:52:43
Speaker
Oh, okay. Because you wear that. You wear it. Okay. And then I will post, I'll post the link in the show notes so that people can go to that too. But I am just so grateful for you sitting here and chatting. Is there anything else that you wanted to share that I might've not asked that you still feel like you need to share? No, I'm just looking at a picture. Sorry, I'm looking at a picture of my mom right now.
00:53:09
Speaker
I, you know, prayed before I got on the call with you that I would honor myself and honor her. And I just want to let her know that I love her and that we miss her. That's it.
00:53:26
Speaker
Thank you. That's a beautiful way. That's a beautiful way to finish the interview. So beautiful. And your mom's name? Your mom's name is? Debbie. What is it? Debbie? Thank you, Debbie. My grandfather, yes. Little bluebird. Our little bluebird. Oh, beautiful. Thank you so much once again. Sending your huge, huge hug, Jenny. Thank you.
00:53:54
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:54:22
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.