Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
36. Trauma and Triggers - With Genell Gorman
93 Plays5 years ago
In this episode with Genell Gorman, we talk about childhood trauma and how it can show up in different ways later in life. We also talk about how to handle triggers.
Here is Genell's bio in her own words:
"While growing up I experienced abandonment, trauma and loss that followed me throughout my early adult life until it all came to a head in my mid 20’s.
Through a very painful break up, my awakening was brought on. All of the pain from my past came to the surface. One of them being my father's passing from when I was just 9 years old. Since the journey began I have engaged in intensive one-on-one psychotherapy, therapy retreats focused on healing loss, inner-child work, self love, abandonment work and meditation practices.
I am so thankful for all of the healing I have done to find my true purpose on who I really am. I never realized how much my father's passing impacted me throughout my life, but the more I studied, the more I was able to put all of the puzzle pieces together and be able to distinguish why I was the way I was. It all brought me right back to my fatherless daughter wound.
I understand how much others normalize that not having or growing up without a father in your life is “OK” which at the end of the day is wrong in so many ways. It is crucial for us to have both parents in our life while growing up and when we don't have that, well that can really affect us in so many different aspects of our life (relationships, friendships, worklife, etc.)
After all was said and done I decided what better way than to share my knowledge on how I was finally able to heal from my father's passing after 16 years. I started coaching both privately and in groups to help other women who were in my position, allowing them to heal the pain that has been sitting inside of them waiting to come out for so long. I am honored to take this journey helping others heal from all of their pain and helping you find out who they are meant to be. "
Contact Genell Gorman: http://instagram.com/genell.gorman
Contact Kendra Rinaldi:
Website: http://griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
Email: griefgratitudepodcast@gmail.com
Instagram: http://instagram.com/griefgratitudepodcast
Music: Created by http://oneplanetmusic.com
Production: Carlos Andres Londono
Recommended
Transcript
Generational Trauma and Coaching
00:00:02
Speaker
The more I did research on addiction and the more I worked on myself, I realized I don't know what my dad's upbringing was at all. And I asked certain questions, not entirely, but a little bit to my mother. And my dad's father wasn't in the picture, rarely. And you know, like they say, a lot of it's generational. And that's why I...
00:00:26
Speaker
Along with everyone I coach, I want us to stop that generational because we don't know. I didn't know what my father went through.
Introduction of Podcast and Guest
00:00:38
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:45
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:02
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:25
Speaker
Hello, everyone. I am so glad you tuned in today to listen. Today, I have the pleasure of sharing with you guys a story of my new friend Janelle Gorman. She will be sharing the story. I'll just be
00:01:43
Speaker
listening as well with you all. Janelle Gorman is a fatherless daughter, grief and transformation coach, and we met through Instagram. She actually listened to another one of the episodes and that's how we connected. So I'm so excited to have you on the episode today. Hello, Janelle. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:02:07
Speaker
Kendra, thank you so much for having me today. I'm super excited. I'm so glad you did. Yeah, so when we spoke before, sorry, let me just, when we spoke before you were in sunny Florida and then when we were just coming in, and now you're in Chile, Boston, Chile, New England. So what's the temperature right now there? Actually, this is the last nice day, so it's about 79 degrees, so I'm taking advantage.
00:02:31
Speaker
So we're still, yeah, we're recording this in early October, so it's still nice until... Okay, so tell us a little bit about you. So you live in New England and tell the listeners a little bit about who Janelle is.
Janelle's Story of Loss and Healing
00:02:45
Speaker
Of course. So I grew up in New England, born and raised. My name is Janelle Gorman.
00:02:52
Speaker
I currently am a fatherless daughter grief and transformation coach. I help fatherless daughters heal their abandonment wounds that their fathers had left them or what they had felt their fathers had caused internally. I work with daughters who have lost their father to death, have their fathers in their life, but they're just not emotionally present for them and those who never had a father in their life at all.
00:03:20
Speaker
I started my coaching because I unfortunately lost my father at the age of nine and I pent up all that pain and just numbed it for over 16 years until one day I just couldn't take it anymore and I had to get the help I needed. So my goal is to prevent my clients from getting to that breaking point because it was so crucial.
00:03:50
Speaker
Wow. Now, so nine years old is when your dad died. And prior to that too, you had mentioned to me when we spoke, your parents were divorced. So you were also, your dad didn't live with you when you were little either, right?
00:04:05
Speaker
No, so my parents got divorced when I was three and then my dad had moved an hour and a half away up to Laconia, which was an awesome spot to hang out and it was super fun. There was always great activities going around. But given the fact that it was so far away, it did make that abandonment wound feel even worse, even though I was seeing him every other weekend.
00:04:28
Speaker
So at three that happens and at nine he dies. And take us a little bit about that because you then were, are you the only daughter? No, so it's me and my sister. It's me and my sister and my brother, but of my dad, it's me and my sister. So backwards a little bit, as funny as like, not funny, but I was actually talking with my mother yesterday about
00:04:53
Speaker
How I had lost my dad and she reminded me that two weeks prior to losing my dad is when my stepdad and my mom separated. Oh Yes, and I always said oh my goodness I blocked that out I didn't even like think of the time frame
00:05:11
Speaker
So I've had like three abandonment wounds since age nine. So two men technically, but three different instances. Your dad when you were three, then your stepdad two weeks prior to your dad then dying. And you prefer the word passing and passing? Either or. Okay. Okay. I just want to make sure that I'm in tune with the same language you like to use for it.
00:05:40
Speaker
So so then you're nine years old, you're around what fifth grade, you live with your mom at that time, you would see your dad at night at the age of nine, you'd still see your dad every other weekend as well. Well, up until he passed away. Yes. So from three to nine, I was seeing him every other weekend.
00:05:59
Speaker
So then how did your life change at that point then? And what do you remember? Because as you said, you block the part of even your mom and your stepdad separating.
Hidden Struggles and Realizations
00:06:10
Speaker
What things do you remember?
00:06:13
Speaker
So I do remember that I was constantly afraid that something was going to happen to my dad and I would call him like every single day. And I didn't realize. When they divorced or okay. Okay. When they were divorced and I was still seeing him every other weekend. I think I still had some fear within or I could, my intuition was so strong as we know as kids, I think are into it. We can pick up more until we're unless like once we're adults, it's harder for us to pick up because we have all this
00:06:43
Speaker
stuff in our head, but as children, we just feel at that moment. So I think what I was feeling was a lot of something was going to happen. And surely enough, my dad had passed away. Um, I was told by my mother, it was a heart attack up until I was 18. I thought it was a couple of years later. My mom had told me how my dad had passed away, but I just spoke with her a couple of days ago and it was 18. She told me,
00:07:12
Speaker
So from nine to then 18, you thought it was something and an 18 is when you really found out. Yeah, that it was a drug overdose. I had no idea. My dad was such a great guy. We had so much fun. He was such a great dad. So obviously I had no idea as a child.
00:07:32
Speaker
until I found that out. Thankfully, I didn't feel any resentment towards my mom for holding out that long. Realistically, if I was in that situation with my daughter or my future daughter, I wouldn't really know how to exactly what the right steps are and what the wrong steps are. So she just did the best she could. So I totally am very grateful for that, that she was there for me throughout that hard time.
00:07:59
Speaker
because you didn't just yeah so you the only help you received at that time was really just her support you didn't did you see a therapist did you have cancer at school or what other things did you do at three years old I dealt with so much regression my mother had said due to my mother and father's divorce that she put me to see a therapist at three
00:08:21
Speaker
So I've been with a therapist all my life. I'm so pro-therapist. I just like someone talking, like I like just like someone hearing me out. Yeah. Who doesn't? Since the age of three, you were already with play therapists at that age, then dealing with that. And then at nine, then you're still the same therapist that you saw at three? Yes. Where's the one that was singing at nine? Okay. Yep. And then my mom did have me go to like some support groups, which were nice that I vaguely remember.
00:08:51
Speaker
And in school, I didn't get any help. I mean, I believe maybe a guidance counselor, but they don't have, I don't think they have the resources that they should have for kids who lose their parents.
00:09:05
Speaker
especially so young. Yeah and so many things in school revolve around activities that have to do like with parents like exactly Father's Day or Donuts with Dad today or this.
00:09:23
Speaker
And it just automatically is an opportunity to make sometimes kids that don't have that particular parent figure in their life. Because it can happen in marriages also that are maybe of two moms or two dads. You know what I mean? Exactly. Like in all the different kind of dynamics that families are or single parents to feel kind of left out. I feel schools.
00:09:46
Speaker
Yeah, I feel schools need to be more sensitive on that topic because statistically what I researched and read upon and everything and studied, a lot of people are single mothers, unfortunately. So schools need to be aware that it's not the whole cookie cutter family all the time. I just think they should take those out altogether. That's my personal opinion.
00:10:09
Speaker
Yeah, no, because it does it does make it very it makes it really hard for for the kids that that are going through that situation. So do you remember conversations with your friends or things like that at school of when your dad died, like how you felt at school or with your peers and your sister, you had your sisters older than you, right? My sister, yes, me or my brother, like I said, is from a different father, but we're all fighters apart. But me and my sister, fighters apart.
00:10:38
Speaker
So then her way of dealing with grief was very different than yours. But do you remember if you were able to talk to her about your grief? Do you remember any of that? No, I was not. Not that she wouldn't have allowed it, but no, I never spoke with her about my grief.
00:10:56
Speaker
So everything's pretty much a blur from nine to about 18 then. Or when do you think that things started to come up and resurface? So tell us a little bit about when you started to know that there were these scars or wounds basically that were there from that experience and how did it kind of show up in your life? Of course. So I would say high schools to college to up until just a couple of years ago,
00:11:26
Speaker
I was acting out and I thought, oh, this is me partying. I mean, I'm young. I'm in high school. I'm in college. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? But I was like very promiscuous. I was acting out with drinking and I had this attachment issue or not issue, but problem. My personal problem is I would get so attached so quick to people when I didn't even or barely knew them.
00:11:53
Speaker
And I always wondered, I'm like, I'm just, I'm just a, I fall fast. I'm just a big lover. But the more I did more research now, especially, it's such an eye opener. I'm like, Oh my goodness. The reason why I tracked and it was attached to people so quickly was my father abandonment wound. I didn't want people to leave me. And I'm so used to people leaving me. So I thought if I just clench on to people.
00:12:18
Speaker
that they won't leave me. And surely enough, they always left. But why? Because it wasn't even the right person. So on top of drinking, acting out, getting in trouble with the police, nothing crazy. But my mom, I give her kudos for putting up with me. And then so I realized the more research I did growing and healing with all my father's passing, I realized that
00:12:45
Speaker
all of my acting out actions was all just resurfacing from the pain I had within me.
00:12:58
Speaker
When you realize that, was it your therapist that allowed you to see that or was it you coming into that realization? And I know that sometimes with therapists, they just sometimes just guide you and then you're the one that sometimes comes up with the assessment as what happens sometimes with coaches too, right? Sometimes it's just the aspect that somebody's there to listen you out, that you come up with your own assessment of situations. But how did that realization come to be?
00:13:28
Speaker
Yeah, so I think therapists definitely planted the seed. But after I got out of a relationship last December, which is one of the toughest relationships, like toughest breakups I've ever endured, I want to say it was worse in my father's passing. As crazy as that sounds, but that's literally how I felt and maybe because I was so young when my father passed.
00:13:52
Speaker
that feeling this breakup now just felt so much worse. I had a therapist who I was with during this relationship and seeing, and she had planted seeds of saying that a lot of my acting out and being with others who were unavailable, oh, that's another thing I used to do a lot, is being with emotionally unavailable people, people who aren't even available for themselves.
00:14:20
Speaker
And when they left me, I felt abandoned. But in the end, they can't even be there for themselves. How do I expect them to be there for me? But like I had said, I went through such a bad breakup and being left and abandoned and so many broken promises.
00:14:37
Speaker
I was so broken inside that I was suicidal at one point. I didn't want to be here. The only reason I was going to work and working was because I had to pay my bills. Other than that, I don't know where I would have been. And my therapist had constantly was mentioning to me about
00:14:58
Speaker
this place in Arizona called The Meadows. It's in Wickenburg, Arizona, and it was a significant amount of money. It was about, I want to say $7,000 for five days. And me thinking, I'm like, uh, I've never really invested much on myself other than therapy. I'm like, that's a lot of money to spend for five days to hope it works. But once I was in that mindset that I don't, didn't know what to do and it was sink or swim mentality, it was either I'm not going to be here tomorrow or next week.
00:15:28
Speaker
Unless I get this certain help, I jumped on a plane, went to Arizona, paid the money, because I needed help so much, like I needed dire help. And I went the five days and did a ton of psychotherapy 101 with a therapist there. And wow, I will tell you, it was a game changer. It opened so many avenues of my inner child, why I did certain things that I did. And we did exercises of all
00:15:58
Speaker
the things that we acted out because of that abandonment wound. So it was a lot of my therapists, I give them so much credit. And top, my current therapist, my therapist at the Meadows, and then on top of that, I just stuck with the reading and reading books and stuff on abandonment and inner child. So it all just came together.
00:16:20
Speaker
And it's, you know, what, when you said, what you said about that, you, and you find out the price, you know, the sticker price syndrome. Oh my gosh. How am I going to pay that? I'm like, I worked so hard for this money and real estate. Why am I going to just throw $7,000 for five days?
00:16:37
Speaker
But at the same time, in that moment, you knew it was that, or maybe not even your life, right? It was that, or your life would probably not even be, have continued probably to some extent because of how broken you were. Yeah, I would have continued. In just a very broken way. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And my thing- It's an investment. It's an investment in life. A lot of those things that we do and when we pay, it's like seeing that's an investment, not as spending, right? Oh, it is. Yeah.
00:17:04
Speaker
But sometimes you need to do that for yourself. Why continue living a life that you know you don't deserve? And go get the help you need.
00:17:16
Speaker
Even with my clients, some things can be big investments, but like I'm there helping you and I want you to succeed. And I want to heal you just like I healed myself. And a lot of people I see live in so much pain from their father's passing or mother's passing or just a loved one spouse's passing that they don't do anything about the pain. Instead, they just harbor it and numb it within, but it's going to resurface whether it's a year from now, 10 years from now,
00:17:46
Speaker
20 years from now The most majority of the time you're gonna end up with a mental breakdown That could have been resolved or healed along the way if you addressed your feelings within Absolutely.
Compassion and Generational Trauma
00:17:58
Speaker
And do you do you see and as it in terms of the compassion component that comes from the fact of where you were with your own wounds and and that child, you know the the
00:18:10
Speaker
the child within aspect. Do you now see that in your dad too? And we don't have to go into details, but is there like an aspect of you thinking, well, my dad was just a kid that was hurting too and had unresolved things as well. And that's why his life went in the direction it went. That was a great question.
00:18:34
Speaker
Yes, I did. When I was at the Meadows, and just now I look, I have so much compassion for what happened. At first, I thought he had chose drugs over me. And this is when I was younger, like maybe when I was 18, I found out. But the more I've done, the more I did research on addiction, and the more I worked on myself, I realized, I don't know what my dad's upbringing was at all. And
00:19:00
Speaker
I asked certain questions not entirely, but a little bit to my mother and my dad's father wasn't in the picture, rarely. And you know, like they say, a lot of us is generational. And that's why I, along with everyone I coach, I want us to be, stop that generational because we don't know. Like I didn't know what my father went through. I can't blame him.
00:19:25
Speaker
for using drugs and then getting stuck in this, I personally think addiction is a sickness. I know everyone has their own views upon it, but yes, you get yourself experimenting with drugs, but then you're addicted and it's not because you're choosing someone else over the drug, it's just the situation you put yourself in is really hard to get out of.
00:19:48
Speaker
Yeah, I tell that to my kids all the time, too. I'm like, you never know what genes you have in any situation in terms of not knowing that it's better not to open some doors, because you don't even know if that's a gene that you're going to have, if you have the addictive gene. So they're kids, but I always say that there's a lot of things out there. The same with gambling or any other thing that can be
00:20:17
Speaker
Right now, of course, we all, a lot of us are addicted to social media and things like that too. So binge watching TV shows, things to that extent too, right? But when it ends up getting to an extent that it's harming us.
00:20:33
Speaker
that's also, and harming all those around us, that's when it's also dangerous. But yeah, but you're right, like when they were trying to fill a wound of a pain with something else too, and that's when it just kind of sucks you in in that aspect too, and what it did for you for many years. So you were about then 18 when you found out your dad's
00:20:59
Speaker
real cause of death but then you were then how old when you it was just you're young so it was just two years ago that you went to to Meadows after your breakup right so you're still in your you're in your 20s but that correct you're in your early 20s I am mid 20s unfortunately now I want to stop I want to
00:21:20
Speaker
No, I'm learning so much wisdom. It does. And you've been through so much in your young age that yeah, in your mid 20s already now with how much you've lived, you know, you have already grown a lot of times people in those 20 years would have not grown as much as you have because they have would have not had the life experiences that you've been through in order to get them to grow to be who they are.
00:21:47
Speaker
So, so you imagine like you've already like jumped a whole bunch of other years even ahead just because of the life experiences you've had. Exactly. So it's definitely, yeah, I was just going to give you a clue. Which I'm so grateful for.
00:22:04
Speaker
Yes, yes, kudos. Yeah, because also too, like imagine now so early on in your own journey that you're now able to help others. So what then drew you? Because it's been only a few years in which you got your own help and got to turn your life around. How did that longing to keep on
00:22:27
Speaker
that basically breaking that cycle for others kind of come about. How did that, yeah, how did that surface for you? So like I had said, after my relationship, I learned so much about myself that weren't some of the traits that I just did not want to have as a partner, such as anger. And a lot of anger was pent up from
00:22:50
Speaker
my father's passing. And I was taking, like they say, you take out all your anger on your partner, whoever's closest to you. So I was a complete B I T C H at times. And remember, I can, I can still put explicit on this too. Okay. Bitch. But it's okay. No, you know, so, and at the same time, that's not who I am deep down. So I feel for the people I have been with and I have treated them certain ways because that's not who I am and they don't deserve to be treated like that.
00:23:21
Speaker
It was just hurt people hurting people and same vice versa from what I've dealt with with other people hurting me. And I just wanted this whole thing to stop and put a stop to it after the worst breakup I just dealt with that. Therefore, after I did so much work on myself, I said, you know what? I want to prevent this from happening to other women, even young girls deep down, like deep down the road I have, um,
00:23:48
Speaker
idea of doing a nonprofit for young girls between 13 and 17, trying to plant that seed for them. But that's long term. Now what got me into coaching was just, I want to save people mentally and physically.
00:24:05
Speaker
because father loss is so, it can be so detrimental to your health. And sometimes you just overlook it and look past it like, no, I'm totally fine. Cause that's how I thought I was those 16 years. I said, I blocked out my dad's passing date. I have a full like rib tattoo and with my dad's birthday and death date, I just learned my dad's death date this year, along with re remembering his birthday.
00:24:34
Speaker
But that death date, even though that was tattooed on me, I just blurred it out, blacked it out for 16 years. So when people had asked, I would just say, ah, I don't know. So I just want to save people from that because even if you think you're okay, losing a parent to death or not even having a parent in your life, it really puts a toll on you. And it's okay to get the help you need. It's okay to address
00:25:04
Speaker
how you feel inside, if you feel this void inside, it's okay. And that's so important for people to hear that. And to hear that from a peer, to hear that from somebody that's been through it, it's that relatability that really helps too. And especially you being young, the goal that you have of being able to help
00:25:32
Speaker
these girls in that very vulnerable, informative age of, you know, 13 to 17, eventually, that having that nonprofit, I see that, I don't, you say that that's long-term, I see that maybe being something you could do in a shorter term. Probably shorter term. Probably. Just because of what you've already accomplished even just in the time being now.
Planting Seeds of Healing
00:25:54
Speaker
Yeah. But because, again, because you're not that far removed from having been that age, when you're able
00:26:01
Speaker
to help somebody that's just, you know, what basically just a little one generation older than you. It's true. It helps. Yeah. Exactly. That relatability. And it's not so much helping them entirely, like healing them in an instant. It's more so because I understand I was so hard headed when I was 13 through 17. Oh, my God. Like I said, kudos to my mother. But it's just the planting the seed.
00:26:30
Speaker
My seed got planted, I would say, later on when I was 20, in my 20s. But if I can plant a seed for these girls between 13 and 17, they'll eventually remember that. If they're going to have a breakdown, they're going to be like, oh, yeah. I remember Janelle had told me way back, you know what I mean? So that's just my perspective of why I want to do what I want to do.
00:26:54
Speaker
Yes. No, that absolutely makes sense. And a lot of times too, it's not the healing. People have to heal themselves and be willing to want to heal, right? So it's just providing, again, those seeds and the tools. So aside from the tool then of you being able to go to the Meadows, is that what it's called? Meadows. Yes. And your therapy. What other tools have you used in your grief journey yourself?
00:27:24
Speaker
So this one's a little common sense, but something I elaborate on a lot. I actually even made a video post about it yesterday. It's healing and grief is a journey.
00:27:38
Speaker
there's no desk, there's no map from point A to point Z because some days will be good. Some days will be bad. You could have a great week and the next week you don't even want to get out of bed and that is okay. I feel like so many people are so hard on themselves. Like, well, I had a great week last week. Why, what, what the hell is going on with this week? But, and I, and I was like, that I was hard on myself. I was like, why do I keep like,
00:28:07
Speaker
What is wrong? Why am I having great days? And then today I just, I'm so depressed. And I just elaborate just like what I had learned in something I tell my clients and just something I remind myself to this day is some days are gonna be better than others, but grief is a journey. I always see grief in healing as waves. And like some waves will be tidal waves and other waves will be waves that you can just jump over.
Navigating Grief's Journey
00:28:37
Speaker
but some days they're gonna hit you and you're gonna fall on the ground. But you just have to get back up.
00:28:44
Speaker
Yes, I completely agree. I always see it as exactly what you're saying. The ocean of emotions. Oh, I like that. The ocean of emotions. And yes, sometimes you could be on the beach. You're so chill and it's calm. And out of nowhere, here comes a big one and you had no clue it was coming. And sometimes you don't even know what triggered that particular emotion in that moment. Exactly.
00:29:12
Speaker
And you just have to be ready to just navigate it. I always say it's just harder when you just go against it than when you just go with it. So yes, just knowing that it's part of that journey. Now in that journey of grief, share a little bit like how different was it for you then with your sister? Do you notice a lot of difference in how
00:29:38
Speaker
She could her being older and you don't have to go into her own story necessarily But do you notice if there was a very different way in how you each processed grief Part because of the age and also of course personalities that each of you were yeah, of course I Honestly, I can't like I said, I can't speak for her, but I will say that She seems to be doing quote-unquote fine I don't know if it was her age or she's has it really pent up inside her because she is in a
00:30:08
Speaker
She attracted a great husband. She has my niece, who I love. And she's always attracted men who care so much about her and love her and are available for her. Which is so interesting, right? Because then that aspect of that perception of the father, you know, still also the fatherless daughter, which she also is, how so much plays a part is who you are in that instant.
00:30:34
Speaker
Something happens, but who you are, your personality, your traits, those impact you differently depending on that, your age. So many things, right? Because here are two women who experienced the same loss, yet experienced it very differently. Exactly. And that's another thing why I also elaborate on. People can take trauma however way they want. No one's trauma is worse than someone else's. No one's trauma is worse.
00:31:04
Speaker
not as bad. That's why I say like, you cannot define trauma because someone may perceive something that you think is easy. Whereas if you were in their situation, it would be complete opposite. So I'm huge on just, you know, everyone's gonna feel certain ways.
00:31:23
Speaker
Yeah, it gives you more empathy, of course, towards that too, towards other people's experiences in their own way. When you've gone through something yourself, then you know that if somebody comes to you and they have a trauma about, I don't know, spiders, I don't care, I don't know, I'm just saying something that it's like,
00:31:44
Speaker
But for that person, that could be as if it was that somebody's dying, you know? Exactly. Yeah, so it's really hard to judge somebody else's hard no, impossible to judge somebody else's perception of their experiences in the way that they're seeing the world. Exactly. What excites you about this new stage in your life? What excites you the most?
00:32:14
Speaker
I love when people can just connect with me when I create these videos and people are like, Oh my God, I needed that right now. It just, it makes my heart full because I know this is my purpose in life and why I was brought to this earth. And I've done a lot of different trades throughout my life. And now I feel like this is exactly where I am in my life. So just hearing people's blessings and just hearing them
00:32:41
Speaker
the reviews of what I post and how much it resonates with them and what they're going through in their grieving journey. It's like confirmations that you're on the right track. Yes. So you mentioned you'd been a realtor before. What other things have you done? I was an EMT for a couple years.
00:33:01
Speaker
And this is all again, again, people, she is in her mid twenties and she's all, all the different pivots and careers you've already had. So you were in, yeah. And then I was 18. I had my own fitness business. And then from there I decided, um, I wanted to become a doctor. So I went to EMT to get field work. Then I decided entrepreneurship, which I love so much. Then got into real estate.
00:33:29
Speaker
And that I really, I was just trying to see what was working for me and where I felt at home. And after my, like I said, breakup, I really resonated and took a moment to myself and thought, what am I really here for? And now I'm here, but I have been through, you know, EMT, all of that, like the sympathy and the caring, compassionate person, you have to be an EMT.
00:33:58
Speaker
I wanted to be there, of course, to help people. But now I'm helping people with something I am so, let's say, I would say an expert on.
00:34:08
Speaker
Yeah, you know, because I didn't sign up for expert expert experience. You've experienced it. So you are an expert in your in your experience. You're an expert for sure. Everybody is in their own life. You're an expert at your own experiences. But yeah, you've definitely been through the circle of see of feeling the.
00:34:32
Speaker
all the things that could go wrong from bottling up your emotions and how it ended up coming out in a way that was not productive, per se, and then how it is now after you've already opened that lid of being able to share your emotions and how now it just is flowing in a positive way to create impact. So what a big,
00:35:01
Speaker
180 there in your life, just from, you know, 18 of really that is that when you started to act out was more 18 or even beforehand? I would say like 17. Yeah. Yeah. So, so from there to now, you know, just a big, big 180. Now in terms of your connection with your
00:35:26
Speaker
dad and so forth. What are your spiritual beliefs? And did any of that fall into play in your own grieving experience? What did you grow up believing maybe about death and perceiving death? And then, or what do you believe in now? Yeah, no, of course. So I grew up a Catholic. And then my mother had transitions to Christian. And then I lost touch a little bit.
00:35:55
Speaker
actually a lot, I'm not gonna lie. I lost touch a lot with just like being a teenager, doing my own thing. And then as I needed to find something to help me prior to me going to the Meadows, cause I think I signed up for the Meadows and then I had to wait like two weeks or so. And I said, I can't do this on my own. And I went to a church, a Christian church near my house and I've been there ever since.
00:36:25
Speaker
And that's something that's so huge for me. I always know that my loved ones are watching me and looking over me, but now I feel like I can feel it more. And that's why it's so big. I always say people to have a higher power. If you don't believe in God, that's okay. But if you believe in the universe, just have some higher power that can help you and guide you.
00:36:51
Speaker
through the process. I liked what you said. You said, I knew that my loved ones were there watching over me, but now I feel the difference of even the knowing to then actually the feeling that
00:37:08
Speaker
energy because of also how you are more connected with yourself. So you feel their love and their support now more than before because of that awareness.
Understanding Parents' Struggles
00:37:21
Speaker
Exactly. And I think it's more just the compassion that I have for my father. You know, he did the best they could. I say that with like to everyone. If your parents, if you if you grew up in a bad upbringing, just no matter how bad it is, like we just have to be
00:37:37
Speaker
compassionate and find a compassion within us and just realize we don't know what was going on through our parents minds. Like we don't know who raised them who like the real deep core that they may not even be telling their kids because of course a lot of parents want to be strong for their children. So we don't know the whole story.
00:38:02
Speaker
Yeah, to have that compassion for them. It's hard. Yeah, it is really hard. It's really hard. But yeah, but technically, we are all children raising children, right? Technically, if we think of it, you're not a parent yet, but I have, as I mentioned to myself and the
00:38:24
Speaker
the thing that I'm bringing to the table, and I see myself, I see my teenage self a lot of times in this role as parent, and it's so immature. Oh my gosh, the rolling of the eyes comes into play sometimes, and all these kind of things, and I'm like, what is up with this?
00:38:45
Speaker
I'm a 40-something year mom and the teenage mom comes, you know, yeah, it's as if I'm a teenager sometimes. So I'm still a kid inside too and all whatever things I went through is a lot of times how I'm going to then parent.
00:39:03
Speaker
So that is interesting. I hope that they can have more compassion. One of the things that I think I learned too in this journey is to be able to know when they point out something that I'm doing that may seem like, whoa, why did you react like that? All I said is, what's for dinner? And I just blow out, right? What do you mean, what's for dinner? Do you think I'm just in the kitchen all the time?
00:39:28
Speaker
Is this a restaurant? She's like, I was just asking, what was for dinner? And I'm so sensitive with things like that. But being able to stop and say, sorry, that was definitely not the way I should have reacted. Being able to acknowledge
00:39:44
Speaker
that what I said was wrong and maybe how I said it was wrong and maybe being able to reassess of why it is that it's such a trigger for me, you know, when they ask. And I've told them sometimes, it's like, you know, it's like when you say it that way, it makes me feel like I'm just here like being your servant, you know, that kind of that's how I feel when you ask me that way. I tell them that why it is I'm reacting, but that was still not the right way to react.
00:40:10
Speaker
So, um, owning, owning our faults and owning the things we have to grow through is also important in the, in the journey, of course. Um, but I digress. I told you, I, I would, I also jump and talk about other stuff. Didn't I? No, that makes
Increased Awareness through Healing
00:40:29
Speaker
sense. I know, but you're, that's a perfect, your story is a perfect example of why it's so important to heal because when you're healing, you become more aware.
00:40:38
Speaker
why you do things and when you do things you can actually stop yourself even if it's after you've already done the damage you can still be like wait a second why did I flip out so it's so important because a lot of us just like how I used to be within my past relationships I used to just like go right off one of my my ex actually one of my ex my ex most recent would say
00:41:02
Speaker
you're like a bull in a china shop. And now I understand like I would just go zero to 100. And it's just that's not who I am. I'm such a compassionate, loving person. And I just should have approached things very differently. I mean, of course, it is what it is. And I forgive myself for how I acted in certain situations with certain people I have been with. I'm nowhere near perfect. But now I've grown so much that I can see and I'm like,
00:41:31
Speaker
There's no need to yell. I can still get my point across, but it's just the way I'm presenting it. And if I'm attracting. It's not coming from a hurt. Now that you know what the hurt is, you are able to maybe catch the trigger before you react, because you're able to know that it's coming from the,
00:41:59
Speaker
wound part of you, right? Of how you're, it's like, okay, how I'm going to react right now is going to come from this wound, wounded child place. Exactly. How do I switch it? Yeah. And when we don't do the work, it's our children, it's children, parenting children or children, dating children. And no matter what age, people can be 70s, 40s. And if they haven't healed their childhood trauma,
00:42:29
Speaker
they're still in that mentality of the little boy or the little girl and it's it's just because I didn't address it because they don't some people don't even know but you know when they say sometimes man child or just sometimes like female acting like a little girl or adult female it's because they really are it's because they don't know better and that's another reason why I didn't want to do my coaching is because to help
00:42:57
Speaker
heal that inner little girl so she knows that everything's okay and that we're the parent now and we won't leave her like so many people have left her.
00:43:14
Speaker
That's just so beautiful that you are now able to help others be able to view and redirect. Can I ask you, how do you find the time so that you're not reacting? Now that you know the wounds, how
00:43:34
Speaker
Do you like count to 10 before you respond to any situation? Like how do you take that moment to redirect the way your body or your automatic pilot is going to? Yeah, of course. Come out. Yeah. So I breathe. I never would breathe. I would just react. Like without anything, I would just react. And then I'm like, Oh,
00:43:57
Speaker
Why did I just say that? Like, I don't mean that. I love this person. Why am I so hostile to them? So now I just take a deep breath if I need two breaths, and then I either talk or I say, let's get back to this conversation. Because right now, I don't want to say things I don't mean. This is a complete opposite person from who I used to be a year, a couple years ago.
00:44:22
Speaker
But I do of course have slips, no one's perfect. And when I do, I actually made another video on this last week or two weeks ago, and it was how I address a trigger or how I tell my clients or coach just people in general how to address a trigger is when someone or something triggers you, I always address it and say, hey, what you said really triggered me. I would appreciate it if you just didn't say that or do that again, at least not around me. And they're usually like, okay, that's fine.
00:44:51
Speaker
And then I looked more into that and I'm like, why am I trying to control someone else? From my own triggers. Yeah. And I'm just like, and it came to me one day, like it came to me when I was down in Florida and I was just like, wait a second. I'm like, this makes no sense. Like I shouldn't be trying to control someone. I need, I should be able to control myself and learn to control myself. So now what I do is I address it to the person, of course, so they are aware. And then as soon as that happens, I ask myself,
00:45:21
Speaker
what triggered me back in my past? Like what even caused this? Because I need to get to the root causes that way. I'm not telling every single person that I meet when they triggered me about the same thing that I told one person. I'm not repeating myself. You know, it's, it's best for to change ourselves than us trying to control how someone reacts. Cause we don't have control on how people are. People are the way they are. As we know, it's, it could be from their past. It could be how, who their partners are and what they adapted to.
00:45:50
Speaker
It could be anything. So what better way than to control our own triggers? That is so true because it's like you are making everybody else walk on eggshells, basically, rather than you yourself saying, OK, why am I changing the world rather than me trying to change how I'm reacting to the world?
00:46:14
Speaker
because that is something I have control over. That is just so amazing. Now, you've mentioned your videos, so this has been great. Thank you so much.
Support Group and Contact Information
00:46:24
Speaker
So many little pieces of information and tips that you've given in so many different areas that come, of course, much more than just about grief, and that has just been so helpful. Thank you.
00:46:39
Speaker
What, can you share how they can find you and I'll make sure to put it in the show notes, but how can people find you? Of course. So you can find me on Instagram or Facebook. Preferably Instagram is where I'm most active. And my name is Janelle Gorman. So it's at G E N E L L dot G O R M A N. And if you're interested in just talking to me, reach out, DM me. If you're interested in coaching, DM me.
00:47:06
Speaker
I'm also starting a support group for ladies. It's called Happiness After Loss and it's going to be once a week every Tuesday at 7.30 p.m. Eastern time and it's free and it's just a time for us to connect with other females who are in similar situations who are also grieving a loved one. It could be a mother or a father and just creating a space of
00:47:35
Speaker
comfortability and just a space to be ourselves and speak on how we're feeling, an outlet, I would say.
00:47:43
Speaker
That is so good, like a little girls club there, a pajama party or a girls club to be able to go over those emotions and of other women that have experienced similar losses as each other to be able to check in and see how you're feeling. Yeah, because a lot of times when you talk to somebody that hasn't been through something,
00:48:09
Speaker
Like you have, there may not be necessarily that relatability or understanding of why is she talking again about her mom dying or why she's talking again about her death. Exactly. Yeah. So knowing that there's a space which you can do that without that judgment component, that is really beautiful.
00:48:26
Speaker
So thank you so much. I'm excited for everything that will come. I'm sure of all these different opportunities. I'll definitely write your information below for people to contact you and follow you on Instagram and get these, again, some of the things you shared here, which were just free, free information and tips that you post. Yeah, always.
00:48:50
Speaker
So there's a lot of free content out there. And of course, if you need deeper work, you can always connect to be able to coach. So thank you once again, Janelle. Thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad you are here. Thank you.
00:49:11
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:49:40
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.