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Life Hacks for better relationships with your teens!
38 Plays9 months ago
Join me and Jolie Downs - host of the Thriving After 40 podcast, and author of the book of the same title - as we talk about the challenges of raising teens (she has 2 boys, and I have 2 girls), and the life hacks she says saved her relationships with her boys as well as with her husband. You will want them to pull a 'tude just so you can try these hacks out - well, almost!
Find her on IG @Jolie.Downs
Thriving after 40 book - https://a.co/d/g90fq6H
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Transcript
Introduction of Jolie Downs
00:00:13
Speaker
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Mom Tabulous. I'm your host, Sharla Mandair, and with me today is Jolie Downs. Jolie is a mom of two boys, is an entrepreneur and creator at heart. She is co-owner of Paradigm Staffing, currently hosts the podcast Thriving After 40, and is the author of a book of the same title, Thriving After 40. She's a life coach and a speaker.
00:00:40
Speaker
And with her adventurous spirit, she is constantly looking for the next bucket list item. I love that. Welcome, Jolie. Thank you, Sharla. I'm so excited to be here with you. So glad you're here. This is so much fun. This is going to be a mom tabulous. Absolutely mom tabulous.
Transition of Life in Your Forties
00:00:57
Speaker
Nobody hacks and I love it. So we were talking about like being in your forties is kind of this funny place to be now because like some friends are having babies and then others are grandparents, which is mind boggling to me. And then some like us have like teenagers and you know, we've been doing this for a decade or so. And so tell us like more about your journey to this thriving after 40.
00:01:25
Speaker
We're kind of well after 40, but thriving after 40 and what it looks like to thrive in this, I won't say second part of life. The stage of life, if you will. This section.
00:01:39
Speaker
this chapter.
Thriving After 40: Podcast and Book Insights
00:01:46
Speaker
Thriving after 40. So I have this podcast and I wrote a book and the book is a compilation of all of the best advice that I got from my podcast guests. And really what my podcast guests came on to talk about were
00:01:57
Speaker
their personal stories. And all my prerequisite was, you have to feel as if you are living your absolute best life, that you are just thriving life, you love it. And then I want to know how you got there. What did you go through? What did you have to get through to get there? And what I found through talking after story after story, not only would I talk to them, but then I would listen to it, I would evaluate, I would take notes, I'd write an ending.
00:02:21
Speaker
And what happened through this process was very clearly I started to see the patterns in the story. I started to see that there were these golden threads, if you will, and I started calling them the universal truths. That's what I like to call them. The universal truths to thriving, to success, to fulfillment.
00:02:39
Speaker
And we all, all of these stories, they have the same elements. And I learned that if you know what these elements are, you can apply them to your life. And just by applying these elements to your life, you will absolutely up level wherever you're at, you're going to go up. It's going to be better. It's going to just be.
00:02:55
Speaker
that much smoother, that much more of a flow.
Personal Growth Through Podcasting
00:02:58
Speaker
So I started the podcast because I just wanted to go out and help someone. This was during the pandemic and I am in a recruiting business. And as we all know, during the pandemic immediately, there was no need for recruiting. So I thought to myself, well, how could I provide some kind of value at this time? And I started here. And my intention was like, if I could just help one person
00:03:24
Speaker
then it'll all be worth it. And I had no idea that it would change my life, that I would be that one person. I mean, let alone whoever's out there listening, it absolutely changed my life for the better. I am not the same person that I was. I am so grateful for this entire process, if I'm going to be honest. It's been amazing.
Helping Others to Improve Your Life
00:03:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:45
Speaker
Well, and I've said for years, and I've been a coach for a while, and I've said the more you show up for others, you have to show up for yourself. It shows you how to show up for yourself. Yeah. It's one of the universal truths. I mean, really, if you want to help yourself, go out and start helping others. It is a catalyst to success and fulfillment, 100%.
00:04:09
Speaker
Yeah. And just showing up in a big way too, but even like in little ways, right? I've just, I've kind of said like, if you want to get out of your funk, right? You know, I'm a musical theater person. So there's that Hello Dolly, which I was in many, many years ago. I think you saw it, right? I think I saw it, yeah. Many years ago when there's that song, put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out, right? Struck down the street and have your picture took. Those are the lyrics. And it's like, yeah, if you're in this funk in this,
00:04:38
Speaker
place where you're just like, I got to get out of here, you got to get dressed, you got to put on your makeup and maybe you go and you do something nice for someone else. You know, it's not go have your picture taken.
00:04:52
Speaker
If that's what you really need, you know, but, but, you know, when you're finding things aren't working, this, it really is.
Community and Personal Success
00:04:58
Speaker
I can't tell you how many people I've talked to you were just like, you know, it was like, I tried all of these things. I tried this. I tried this and nothing was really working. And I had to get out of the house. I had to get out of bed. And so.
00:05:08
Speaker
I ended up volunteering or I ended up doing this and just the practice of helping other people absolutely saved them. It was the thing that they needed. And even if it isn't the thing that they need, what I found is that when people are working towards their goals, maybe they know what their goals are and they're working towards them, but they're really focused on how can this help me? How can this help me? And as soon as they shift that mindset from like, well, what can I do to help myself to what can I do to help others?
00:05:37
Speaker
That's when their amazing success comes in from whatever it was that they were already working on, but they shifted the focus and then it just comes in. So yeah, helping others is a magical component to life. You know, humans are, we are tribe centered people, right? So that feeling of helping other people, I think, right? When you just, you do feel better. You get a little tingly, you feel good, you did something good. And when you put the expectations out, like you're saying then.
00:06:03
Speaker
And people is a big part of the process too, finding your like-minded people, surrounding yourself with positive, uplifting people, working with the right people, and eliminating the negative ones. I mean, if they're sucking you dry, as far as if there are people who are making you feel bad about yourself, they're not trying to help you be a better person. They're just making you feel bad about yourself. There's no need to have them in your life. Life is too short. It's okay to eliminate toxic people from your life.
Learning and Teaching Boundaries
00:06:31
Speaker
And set those boundaries. And set those boundaries, really. Boundaries are so healthy. And you know what, Sharla? I didn't learn that until later on in life.
00:06:39
Speaker
No, I don't think I had ever heard the word boundary and I, you know, I have a episode that I've done, but it's just me. I don't have a guess, but it's just me on setting boundaries. Especially if there's a narcissist in your life, which we all love her, but I was raised by a narcissist. I had never heard the word boundary until I was well into college and moved
00:07:05
Speaker
or out of the house and someone was like, you know, it sounds like you need to set some boundaries. And I was like, what do you mean with that? Not me. Exactly. That's how I felt. What? Am I allowed to do that? You know? When I was told that no was a complete sentence, I was like, really? But no, I thought in school a sentence had to have at least five words.
00:07:34
Speaker
No, no, no, no, no. And that's okay. You know, and these are things we all needed to hear a lot earlier in life. Let's just say that. Yeah. I mean, I'm talking to my kids all the time about boundaries. You know, no one, no one, no one, no one.
00:07:50
Speaker
told me about that. It's I kind of blows my mind like none of the adults in my life were like boundaries and not just boundaries with like, you know, my mom but like boundaries with friends with my peers with when
00:08:07
Speaker
Teachers weren't, you know, like to stand up and advocate for yourself. That was just not a conversation. Yeah. It's understanding your own personal boundaries, really. It's just knowing what you feel comfortable with, what you don't feel comfortable with and honoring that.
00:08:22
Speaker
Yeah.
Understanding Personal Desires vs. External Expectations
00:08:23
Speaker
And you know, it's funny because we're talking about like thriving after 40. I remember growing up hearing a lot of like, you know, once you turn 30 that this happens and then you turn 40 and then you turn 50 and you just stop giving a shit at some point. And like people just lose the filter and they just say what they want to say. And they do this, but I'm finding, yeah, the older I am, the more I'm like,
00:08:46
Speaker
I don't have time for that. I'm not going to do that anymore. 20 years ago, I would have let that take me down, but now, bye-bye. It's out. Exactly. Exactly. It's empowering. It's very empowering. And that's what the beauty was by talking to all these people. Because I mean, I talked to people 40 to 90, really. And it was just, their messages were the things that we needed to hear.
00:09:07
Speaker
and it was incredibly empowering. And I think one of the more important ones that I feel like such a large majority of people are not thinking about, and I think this happens a lot at the mom stage too because we're very focused on our kids and making sure
00:09:24
Speaker
that the kids are doing well, and what do they need, and how can I make sure everything's okay, is that we're not focusing on what it is that we actually want. We're not asking ourselves the questions, well, what is it that I want? Outside of the kids, outside of the husband, what do I want? Not what my mom wants me to want, not what my friends want me to want, like what is it that I want? And when you get really clear on your own needs,
00:09:51
Speaker
A, if you're not clear on your own needs, then you are living someone else's version of the ideal life. You are living someone else's version of success. That is what is happening. So it is incredibly important to get in touch with yourself. What does success look like to you? What is your version of success? Because everyone's is different and do not buy into what society tells you. Figure it out for yourself.
Proactive Goal Setting Strategies
00:10:12
Speaker
And then you go out and you figure out what does that look like, right? In three years time, what would you want your life to look like with your relationships, with your finance, with
00:10:19
Speaker
your own relationship with your body, with your character. How do you feed your mind? How do you see your relationship with your children? All of these different aspects. Think about the full fantasy of it. What do you want that to look like? And then write it down. And I am telling you, when people take the time to do this and
00:10:39
Speaker
write it down, which absolutely brings magic into your life when you write things down. This is where things really shift and change. And I have found that a lot of times if we don't do this, if we don't take the time to do this ourselves proactively, oftentimes the universe will come in and will knock, knock you right on your butt, strip away everything where you're just like, Oh,
00:11:06
Speaker
It's pain and you learn through the pain and it's like, okay, what do I want? How do I, what do I build from here? How do I, where do I go? Yeah. You know, nothing gives you more perspective than when you have some kind of a health scare. And I work in, you know, the fitness and the health area a lot and have for years with women. And I've had friends who were like, I wish I could do it, you know, work with you or do what you do, but I'm still, you know, I don't have the time. I don't have this and I have that. And then they get a little scared and okay. And then they get another little scare and then they're in the hospital.
00:11:35
Speaker
And then it's like wake up call. Yeah. And then it's like, okay, now I, now I really need to make some changes. Right. But if you can get ahead of it, you know, like you're saying to find it before you, you get to that point of you have that scare, right. And you can hopefully make those changes proactively instead of reactively.
00:11:58
Speaker
Exactly. And that's the key is being proactive as opposed to reactive. And when you do this, when you're focusing on these things proactively, you know, all of these different aspects, like even focusing on yourself, love proactively, you know, letting go of your limitations proactively, all of these things, when you're doing that, when the universe comes in and knocks you on your butt, you're going to be more apt to surf those waves as opposed to drown in them.
00:12:24
Speaker
So that's really what happens when you start learning these tools. You're able to build the life in a proactive way. And even when things come along, you're able to deal with them in such a more powerful way than you were before. And I can attest to this. It's really amazing.
The Power of a Bucket List
00:12:44
Speaker
Yes. And so you have some mindset hacks.
00:12:49
Speaker
that have helped you in motherhood. We're talking about mom tabulous here, so I've helped you in motherhood. What are these mindsets? So stick with me here because I have this three-part mindset hack that I personally love, okay? And it's my little personal thing that might sound funny to start with, but I think that this is vital for moms everywhere. And it starts with the fact that my mom passed away at the age of 50 and she was diagnosed with colon cancer.
00:13:16
Speaker
Early 40s, she was 42. She spent the rest of her 40s fighting this disease. There was so much that she didn't experience because all of her focus was there. That was what her focus was. My dad passed away the day after he retired, literally the day after he retired at the age of 65. And he had all these plans. And it was so fun talking to my dad about all of his plans that he had. And he did not get to do any of that.
00:13:39
Speaker
So I am absolutely passionate. I mean, you mentioned this earlier about bucket lists. So passionate, but so many people think of a bucket list as an end of life thing. And this must be an early as possible and consistent life activity is my personal belief. And this personal belief has brought so much joy and life and light into my life. I mean, so much living that never would have happened had I not do this. So what I'm asking anyone listening
00:14:08
Speaker
is I would love for you to pull out your phone, I want you to pull out your notes app, and I want you to title a new note bucket list. And every single time, and this should be a daily thing, every single time someone mentions something that sounds interesting, or you read an article, you're like, that would be
Mindset Hacks for Everyday Life
00:14:24
Speaker
fun, or you see a restaurant, and you're like, oh, I'd love to check out that restaurant.
00:14:28
Speaker
Just give you small, okay? This is not big things. Anything that sparks light, joy, interest in your mind, you write it down. Because it is unbelievable how much we forget about the things that spark that joy or that interest. And then whenever you have that free time, it might be a couple hours on a Wednesday. It might be you get a free Saturday afternoon, or maybe you have a few days and you can plan something big.
00:14:54
Speaker
And you're not, you can't remember and you're like, oh, I guess I'll watch this or maybe I'll, I don't know. It's like, you just don't remember. But if you have that ongoing list and all of a sudden you have a couple hours, you pull up that list. You're like, okay, what should I do? And it opens your life in this beautiful, massive way. I can't even tell you the experiences I've had. So as moms who are very focused on their children, this is very important. This helps you focus on things that you want, helps you focus on things that you love and enjoy.
00:15:22
Speaker
because it's very easy for us as moms to get wrapped up in all the things that our kids need and get lost in it and really lose your joy. And sometimes when you do this for a long time, you forget even what brought you joy. And so this will be a consistent, constant reminder of the things that are making you interested, that are sparking that joy. And I want you, anytime you have that free time, to pull up that list and go after it. The time is now.
00:15:50
Speaker
Those are things that you can share with your kids. Yes. Right. Yes. Have your kids start it now. Your kids should be doing it. So that's the first part of the three step mindset hack. Second part, anything you don't really want to do. Okay. Think about the things you're like, Oh my God, I have to take.
00:16:06
Speaker
my fifth grader in two fifth grade classes out on a three and a half mile hike and it is literally a monsoon wind and rain. Like I don't even want to leave my house and I got to go out there for how many hours with all these fifth graders? Well, you know what you do? You add that to your bucket list. All of a sudden you took that from a half to, to I get to. I mean, how many people get to go out in a monsoon wind and rain with 50 fifth graders? Yay for me.
00:16:32
Speaker
So, you can do this with almost anything, like, oh, cheerleading. God, I got to go to that cheerleading thing, and I don't really want to go there. And then, okay, you know what? I'm going to add this to my bucket list. I've always wanted to go to Compton for a cheerleading camp, or a cheerleading thing. You know, what have you? Just whatever, whatever it is that you don't want to do. So, I've done this a lot. Whenever I start getting like, oh, I have to do this, I add it to my bucket list, and I make it a
00:16:55
Speaker
I get to. I'm going to check that baby off suit. It feels real good. This works for a lot of mom things. You know, I put a lot of baseball stuff on my bucket list. And then the third part of the mindset hack is actually my favorite. I'm not very creative with the names, but
00:17:13
Speaker
I would also like you to, when you pull up your phone and you add this list, I would like you to add another list called already accomplished bucket list. Now this already accomplished bucket list, nothing is too small to put on this. Okay. I want you to think about this from the perspective of anything that I get to experience that someone else may not have had the honor of experiencing.
00:17:39
Speaker
It goes on this list and you keep this list. It's an ongoing thing. So maybe like once a month or once every couple months, you go on and you just go, you go back through your pictures, you go back through your calendar and you think about what you did and you add things. And when I started this years ago, I mean, I started with the fact that I had, I was able to have children. The fact that I, that I was still married, you know, I got married. I am still married. I mean, the fact that I took my kids to pee week off, to bowling.
00:18:05
Speaker
to, you know, go-karting, you know what I mean? Like, you know, to the big things, to taking my kids to Italy to see where their father proposed, you know what I mean? There's from the small to the little, everything goes on there. And what happens when you keep this regularly updated, already accomplished bucket list, if you will, is this amazing gratitude, overwhelming appreciation.
00:18:32
Speaker
I mean, it comes flooding in. It is amazing. It's an absolute pleasure to review your life from this perspective. It allows you to look at things that are maybe feel every day that you've been taking for granted and see them for how truly special they are. It's really beautiful. And what happened is that, you know,
00:18:56
Speaker
I was doing this and 2016 was a really rough year for me and it
Reflecting on Accomplishments Annually
00:19:02
Speaker
was and I kept saying like I kept walking through the year and I can't tell you how many times I say it was I guess it's just a horrible terrible no good year but when you keep that already accomplished bucket list going
00:19:14
Speaker
you know and you're walking around and then you look back and you see all the things that you were able to do it is so humbling it is so humbling and it makes you realize that life is a gift and every day is a gift it's just so easy to get caught up in that groundhog day of existence right with your head down just doing your best to exist
00:19:37
Speaker
And I have found that living this bucket list mindset, it's like giving my life continuous jolts of electricity. It's like infusing me with growth and gratitude, and it's the easiest thing to do. So I ask that everyone pull out their phones, have your bucket list, keep that going, tell your kids, talk to your kids about the bucket list, have them keep one going, and keep an already accomplished bucket list for you and have your kids do it. It makes you feel good.
00:20:05
Speaker
And I love that, keeping the already accomplished list in that rough year, right? Like 2016, if you have 2016 or 2020, whatever it is, but it's that you're doing all these things in spite of that, that you are pushing through and you're doing these things even through the hard.
Sharing Pre-Kid Experiences with Children
00:20:24
Speaker
And then that shows you this like, oh, I did.
00:20:28
Speaker
still do things. I'm not just sitting on the couch wasting away. I did things even through the hard. Even through the hard. Yeah. I mean, look at all those things I did through the hard. I was so focused on the hard. Maybe I needed to shift my focus a little bit. And so that helps you do that in a very beautiful, beautiful way. I love that. And talking about the bucket list and bringing your kids in with you.
00:20:54
Speaker
For me, I kind of kind of do this, but it's just done a different way and not calling it bucket list. Right. But like one thing before I was before I had kids, people don't know this a lot about me, but I was a professional competitive rock climber.
00:21:08
Speaker
And I've taken my kids climbing and that is so much fun to share this thing with them that I used to do all the time, used to be ripped and really good at. And now I'm just, you know, sometimes I can climb things and be like, okay, I've still kind of got the technique. I've still kind of got it a little bit, but I'm not what I was 20 years ago. Sure.
00:21:30
Speaker
but they can come with me and they can experience it. And one loves it and one, not her thing. And that's fine. That's totally fine. That's fine, but she tries it, you know, and pushes a little bit more through, through each thing. But sharing that with my kids is super fun. Right. That's really special.
00:21:52
Speaker
No, it is. It's awesome. And, you know, there definitely are bucket list things of like, I used to do this before I had you, but I still wanted to do it. You know, before I was kind of cool. I was kind of a neat person, you know, I was, I was lots of fun to be around. I was pretty spontaneous. And now every second of my day is planned, meticulously.
00:22:17
Speaker
But showing them these things that I did before I had them, I think humanizes me maybe a little more. Oh, yeah, completely. Well, like you said, it gives them a picture of who mom was before. And that's the thing with kids. We exist to them from when they were born.
00:22:36
Speaker
We don't really exist as this other person until they start getting older. I mean, your kids are getting there. Now they're starting to see mom in a different way, which doesn't always go great initially. Sometimes that's a little bit like a shock for kids. You'd be like, oh, my parent's actually a real person. Yeah, that's kind of weird. But then it gets great. And then once the shock wears off, it's pretty amazing and fantastic.
00:23:01
Speaker
And I've been enjoying this process of watching my boys slowly come out. My boys are 19 and 16. So the 19 is out of the nasty teenager. My 16-year-old, he's pretty much out there, but he still has that little bit of that teenage saltiness, if you will. We're just starting with the female-ness.
00:23:26
Speaker
Yeah, the boys are very salty. I'm not sure what you would call the girls, but definitely the boys have a very salty teenage vibe to them. Yeah, I'm not sure what I would call the girls.
00:23:40
Speaker
Salty is one word, but maybe... It's my PC word for it. Salty. Yeah. You and I have known each other a little in our whole lives and we were talking about like, man, if cell phones existed when we were teenagers, we just would never have had them. I would have had them though. My parents would have given me a phone just so they could have something to do with it. Just to take it away. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. It would have been like the leash of all leashes.
00:24:07
Speaker
Here you go. And now it's my nugget. I gave you one, but you don't care. It would have been like, hey, hey, really quick, my phone's back. Respond before it's taken away again. What about for 10 minutes? Next to that boy, there it was. I love that three-step hack. I love it. And you have a, is the relationship hack, you say it saved, it like really saved your marriage and helped
00:24:35
Speaker
the dynamic of the relationship with your boys when they were in these salty teenage years?
Improving Relationships with Kindness
00:24:41
Speaker
Same thing, what is this hack? Yeah. So this was incredibly powerful. I've used it three times now and it has worked every single time. And then in fact, my husband actually used to want me to recently really work too.
00:24:52
Speaker
So basically, when my kids were very young, it was when the second one came along, I found that it was just more than doubly hard. I can't tell you how many times I walked around saying one plus one does not equal two. One plus one does not equal two.
00:25:09
Speaker
It's just a struggle. And me and my husband absolutely struggled in our relationship during this time. We had a very, very difficult time and it got really hard. And it got to a point where
00:25:24
Speaker
I just was like, there were no feelings of kindness that I was having towards my husband. If I'm going to be honest, like it was, it was really rough. And I remember thinking, you know, um, we were in this just negative cycle that was just feeding off each other and it was, it was not sustainable. It was like, this cannot go on. You know, something has to change. And I tried all these different things, tried talking to him and it, you know, we just were not hearing each other. And this was like a, okay, a drastic measure type thing. I remember.
00:25:53
Speaker
his birthday is near Christmas and Christmas was coming up and, you know, thinking about gifts. And he's like, I don't want to give him a single gift. I don't think he deserves any gifts at all. And I decided, it's like, you know what?
00:26:09
Speaker
I'm going to really try something different here. I am going to try to kill him with kindness. I'm going to give it 30 days, and I am going to absolutely kill him with kindness. I'm going to give a gift every single day, and this was a time when we were absolutely broke, having some very financial difficulties.
00:26:27
Speaker
these were not extravagant gifts these were small gifts somewhere we were like gifts for the house we needed you know but every day i had something wrapped that i was giving to him now at first because we were in a difficult place and having financial difficulties he was like what is what is this what's going on
00:26:46
Speaker
You can't afford this." And it was just like, me, me, me kind of thing. But I just kept killing. I was like, the killing of kindness was, I'm not going to bitch at him. I'm not going to say anything negative. I'm going to only be positive, only be kind, only give out positive vibes. Because at this point, if anyone has been in a relationship where negative cycles happening, you can feel that. That's just this, it is a palpable, it is going back and forth.
00:27:11
Speaker
took myself out of that cycle. I just was like, I'm going to stop my end of the cycle, and this is what I'm going to do moving forward. And again, I want to reiterate, even though I did not think he deserved it, I want to say this over and over again, because I did not want to do this. OK, this is not something I wanted to do, not something I felt he deserved, not something easy to do. It was a literal like, this is a plan I'm going to execute and force myself to do. And doing that slowly, slowly, you know, it was like,
00:27:38
Speaker
He started to thaw. I started to thaw. Slowly he started becoming more excited to come home. Slowly I started to be more excited when he came home. And what I found was is that when you get in those negative cycles, the feelings are so raw that you often cannot hear each other. Even when we're talking. It doesn't matter what they're saying. You just can't hear because the feelings are so raw and hurtful. So when you shift these base feelings, which I had to start
00:28:09
Speaker
outside of talking it out, it wasn't, you know, this was just shifting the underlying feelings that helped us shift how we're feeling towards each other.
00:28:17
Speaker
And then, because those base feelings shifted, we were able to cure each other. We started having those conversations that actually went in a good way. We heard each other. We were able to make changes. And this 30 days of kindness, I believe, absolutely was a huge catalyst in helping save our relationship.
00:28:41
Speaker
and you know fast forward so many years and it's my first son entering the teenage years and this was my little love bug you know I mean my sons were both my love bugs and I'm not gonna lie when they went into their teenage years I was like I've got this like so I'm so dialed in like I've just I've got the best relationship with my kids this is gonna be no problem like I'm kind of not worried about it
00:29:06
Speaker
This was the wrong, wrong perspective to take. Holy moly, did I get slammed like nothing else? It was just like, what happened? Where is my sweet boy? And it was really hard. It was really, really hard. I'm like eaten by a Demigorgon. Oh my God, right. Yes. Yes, eaten by a Demigorgon. That's what it feels like. It's heartbreaking. Yes.
00:29:40
Speaker
It's shocking. It's heartbreaking. You're like, who are you? What happened to you? What is going on? And what triggered it was his birthday was coming up. It was his 16th birthday coming up. And I thought to myself,
00:29:57
Speaker
He does not deserve any gifts for me. That same thought that triggered it. When you do this with your kids, do you buy them a gift every day? Because there were people that could very much argue like, then you're just spoiling them. Well, no, here's the thing. Again, we were...
00:30:11
Speaker
not doing well. Okay. I did not want to give him any gifts. I didn't want to buy him a gift for her 16th birthday. I just was like, you deserve nothing from me. Nothing. But I remembered that feeling before. That's, I was like, oh wait, I remember this feeling. So I did 16 gifts for 16 days for his birthday. And again, these are very small, little tiny little things. And it even could just be a letter, you know, or just something nice. Um, I made like, I made him a couple of little videos, you know, little, little things. But each day,
00:30:41
Speaker
little something for him every day. And I, no complaining, no negative comments, no nagging. You know, I was just love, love, love. Even when he was given his nasty or salty right back, just love, love, love. You can do it for 16 days. And absolutely it shifted. It shifted. And I would say from then it just started getting better and better with us. And, and my second son,
00:31:07
Speaker
Same thing, you guys, same thing. 16th birthday came along and I was like, let's just do this again. And it worked. And, you know, I mean, it's not like they're not, you know, it's not like he's never salty or what have you, you know, but it has shifted those base feelings and just made us in our relationship on such a better,
00:31:26
Speaker
even keel, where we're both hearing each other, things are just smoother. It's just massively better than where we were. And so it is, Killing With Kindness is a relationship hack that absolutely works and it's free.
00:31:41
Speaker
Anyone can do it. You don't have to have a gift. And if you want to do gifts, like I said, you could write a little letter. I mean, you could do free things, but this works. And so anyone who is struggling with a relationship that is very meaningful to them, I suggest picking at least two weeks minimum, two weeks to a month, and kill them with kindness and see what happens. There's definitely that like, right? And again, in the fitness and health world, there's a lot of
00:32:07
Speaker
14 day programs 21 it takes 21 days to create a new habit like 14 to 30 days is right on point with really what you're doing is rewiring the brain in that relationship because they're triggered Teenagers can trigger you big time and so it's changing that what I'm what I'm hearing is the changing of those behaviors and the triggers of
00:32:35
Speaker
in the brain chemistry and the amygdala and all of this this stuff that you know when we talk about rewiring the brain we're doing but taking that and just replacing
00:32:47
Speaker
these triggered feelings, these feelings of negativity, these feelings of resentment and feelings of like, you know, I didn't raise you this way into positive love. And then it teaches them and it shows them and their brain starts to rewire too. I think it's brilliant. Awesome. Yeah. I love it. And really, you know, what better way to fix relationship than with kindness, right?
00:33:11
Speaker
And I love that you're very honest about it. It's not easy. No, it's not easy. I'll be honest. I realized my husband, later on in life when we were going through another little, it was more on my part that I was being a little difficult. He used it on me and it absolutely worked on me. I can look back, I'm like, that's what he did. It worked really well. He learned. He learned. He's a good guy.
00:33:36
Speaker
Well, this is great. I love that so much and I love how it's just taking that brain chemistry and just switching it up, but it's really intentional in what you're doing and that you're not necessarily expecting anything from them in return. You're not expecting gifts. You're not expecting them to write you letters back. You're not expecting them, you know, but that it's just a, yeah, like I said, kill them with kindness. It's just a little... It's a hack.
00:34:00
Speaker
I'm doing this for you and you don't even know what I'm doing. No, you're just being you. I'm going to do this. I'm going to execute this plan and we'll see where we're at at the end. I love it. And generally it works. So I hope it works for other people out there who might be struggling.
Jolie's Social Media and Upcoming Projects
00:34:17
Speaker
I know. I would love to know if people try it. Hit us up on the social and let us know. Let us know that it works. This was so good, Jolie, and I'm so appreciative of you and all your knowledge. So where can people find you on Instagram? You are jolie.downs, J-O-L-I-E.downs. My website is being revamped, but we'll be up very soon. Actually, the old one I think is still up, joliedowns.com.
00:34:43
Speaker
And you can find me on LinkedIn, Jolie Downs, you can find me on Facebook. There's really not many Jolie Downs out there. I got lucky with this name. I'm fairly easy to find.
00:34:58
Speaker
Yes. And the book is Thriving After 40 is on Amazon as well. And it does, I do have a life journal too that can be bought with it. Oh, perfect. Yes. I love a good journal. Always love a good journal. Oh, you know, the right questions. They can take you far. Well, yeah. And like you said, just writing, having a place to write things down and keep things, you know, so if you're not a open up your phone and put it in the notes app person, write it down.
00:35:24
Speaker
somewhere because there is magic and writing things down. Like you said, absolutely. This was great. Thank you so much, Jolie. And I had so much fun talking to you and see you at the next episode. Yeah. Thanks, Charlotte. I had a great time. I appreciate you having to be on.