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Is Depleted Mom Syndrome a thing?
22 Plays7 months ago
Yes! And here is why you may have it, then not have it, then have it. And how to get more self-care time in so you can feel like yourself again, and take care of the ones you love <3
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Transcript
Introduction to Self-Care in Motherhood
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Mom Tabulous. I'm Sharla Mandare, and today I'm talking about self care and motherhood and this depleted mother syndrome, burned out mother syndrome, depleted mother syndrome, all the things. It has multiple names, but I know I've been there and I've been there
00:00:23
Speaker
multiple times throughout the course of my parenting journey. I currently have a 14-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old daughter. And so as of filming, that's where it stands. I've been a mom for almost 15 years. And I by no means am the most seasoned mom, but I'm more seasoned than some others.
The Exhaustion of Motherhood
00:00:42
Speaker
And this depleted mother syndrome where you feel
00:00:48
Speaker
mentally and emotionally and physically just exhausted all the time. That's what I'm talking about. When you just, and maybe it's not even all the time, might not be 24 hours a day, right? But maybe there's times a day that you're okay. And then the family comes home and the kids start fighting and the husband needs something and dinner is burning. And you just go like, and this is why mom drinks. All the things because it's this, when you, when you're not,
00:01:15
Speaker
doing self care. And when I work with moms and when I work, I'm, you know, I teach fitness. I have been, I'm a health coach. I'm a life coach. I work with moms right now, pretty much exclusively moms. And the conversation that I have when it comes to something like exercise, 30 minutes a day, 30 minutes a day. I don't have time. I don't have time. My kids need this. I got to drive them there. I got to do this. I got to do that. I get it.
00:01:45
Speaker
I get it. I'm homeschooling one kid reluctantly, but I am. And I have one in high school doing all the things and currently has a sprained ankle and a sprained thumb and dance tryouts and cheer tryouts. And we're trying to figure out how to make all that happen with half her appendages sprained, you know, and
00:02:04
Speaker
the driving back and forth of, can you bring me this? Can you pick this up after school? And yesterday, she forgot the clothes for the dance audition, even though she was sitting in a chair for all of it, but she had to dress out. And then, can you drive us to Subway because I don't want to go through all my crutches for a sandwich because we're hungry. And so her and a couple friends, and I took them there and back and forth. And OK, now that Aaron and I was going to run, it's pushed back by 45 minutes. It's fine because I'm momming.
00:02:34
Speaker
What happens when we're not practicing self care and all this life hits in motherhood is we start to, we feel tired and we feel burned out. We feel overwhelmed, but also we get snappy. We might get snappy with the family. Um, just feel like you're going to snap all the time, right? Uh, we might dread going home.
Finding Fulfillment Beyond Motherhood
00:02:55
Speaker
If you're out and you're at the grocery store or whatever you're running to Aaron and you pull up in the driveway and you're like, yeah, I don't want to go in there.
00:03:03
Speaker
That's lack of self-care. Lack of feeling fulfilled. And to that I'll add, lack of feeling fulfilled of anything about you that possibly if you're feeling fulfilled because your kid scored the winning soccer goal and that gives you meaning as a parent. That makes you feel good as a mom.
00:03:29
Speaker
Which, of course, you're going to feel proud of your kid. But if that's where you're getting your only joy and fulfillment from, right? We have a lack of self-care. We have a lack of interests for yourself. And I'm going to talk about that in a little bit. So living through your kids. I know a lot about that. My mom, who I loved dearly, lived through my sister and I.
00:03:52
Speaker
So I can tell you what that does to the kids, right? You don't want to do that. You don't want to live through them. You want to have your own thing because it's important that they
Social Withdrawal vs. Personal Interactions
00:04:03
Speaker
see you enjoying something for you and they feel that separation. It's very, very important. Yeah. And then just maybe you withdraw yourself. That's another symptom of this, I guess, is withdrawing yourself from friends, from society.
00:04:21
Speaker
from if you're a stay-at-home mom, you're maybe withdrawing yourself from everything except your kids. If you work, maybe you don't talk to the coworkers as much, that kind of thing.
00:04:33
Speaker
So the reasons that I hear moms have excuses as to why they can't do the self care and specifically I'll talk about exercise because that's one of, that's my therapy. It's my self care. If you follow my social media, my Instagram, Charla Mander dot happy, you will see me working out on there all the time. And it's not because I'm like, look at me, I exercised. Woo hoo. Like I will share my stories a little bit, my workout, because I want to show other moms. I did it. You can too.
00:05:00
Speaker
I did it, did you. I did it. You can make it happen too. Not to compare, not to say I'm better than, not to say be like me, not to say join me for anything, but just to say, hopefully to inspire, to show you it's possible. You need to see it's possible in order. And someone who's busy, I run a business. I'm homeschooling a kid. I've got a kid on crutches right now and very involved in all the high school things and a husband who works a lot and that's okay. But that's where we're at.
00:05:29
Speaker
And I'm busy. People go, I'm busy. I go, yeah, me too. I'm busy. You have to prioritize things. So the reasons time, time is the number one excuse. And then we'll say this, what we need to do is prioritize our time more. We need to prioritize our time. You will make time for something that's important to you. I'm just going to say that again. You will make time for something that is important enough to
Prioritizing Self-Care in Daily Routine
00:05:56
Speaker
you.
00:05:56
Speaker
You have to be important enough to you to make the time for you and your self-care. You have to prioritize yourself. So when I hear, oh, I can't, I don't have the time, what I say to them is, yeah, you do. You're just not prioritizing you.
00:06:15
Speaker
And that usually blows people's minds and they usually fight back. And they usually don't like to hear that because it's a bit tough love, but you know me, this is how I am. I will say what I mean to say. And, and I try to be kind and respectful and thoughtful in it, but I also am a bit tough love. I'll cheerlead for you all day long, but I also am going to push you and challenge you into, into what you know you need to do. So resources, maybe you're a single mom and you don't have a lot of support.
00:06:42
Speaker
I understand that I'm not a single mom, but I understand I'm on my own a lot with the kids. I don't have any family. Both my parents passed away. My sister lives, I'm in California. She's in Pennsylvania. We're clear across the country. I don't have family. Close. I don't have a support system here. Either I have some friends. I've had to create one. So please create one for yourself because it is life-giving. And in that there must be give and take.
00:07:09
Speaker
So as much as you're asking other people, can you help me with this, or maybe you feel guilty and you don't, or you're always watching someone else's kids, ask them to return the favor, please. Right. There has to be give and take, Hey, you know, I have friends who wear each other's emergency contact for school because nobody has family clothes. So I've got, you know.
00:07:28
Speaker
this family member of 500 miles away, you can call and they can try to get ahold of me, but it's good to have a friend close. So we have a couple of friends that wear each other's emergency contact for the kids' schools. And that's, and then they live close. So you need to ride, they need to ride. You know, the other day we were going to tumbling and it was like, oh, I'm taking her too? Okay, cool. Like no idea, but all right, we got room in the car. You're going to the same place we're going. Let's go. There's no question. There's no need for the mom to even go, can you take her? Yeah, absolutely. We're all going to the same place.
00:07:59
Speaker
Kids. That's, that's, that's the reason that goes into under time. It goes under resources. But again, I will say what you're doing is you're prioritizing their needs over yours. And that's part of motherhood, but you also need to find the times to, to ask, to delegate. So if you, um, and then the mom guilt, that's the other one. I feel so guilty if I'm not with them all the time. Let me tell you something. Your children, even if they're two and three, do not want you with them all the time. Even if you think they do.
00:08:28
Speaker
They need time separate from you. They need a little bit of time to be independent. Even if, I'm not saying leave your two-year-old home alone. I'm saying, it's okay if what you gotta do is give them the tablet for 30 minutes so mom can work out, even if they're in the same room, right? Okay, make them part of your workout. But if you want like alone time, I'm talking alone time, okay? You can always involve the kids. And I've got ways that I've done that too in my life. And some of that is in what I'm gonna say.
00:08:58
Speaker
But if you are, if you are, are, are focusing on their needs over yours constantly and not doing anything for yourself, they're going to feel that pressure too. And then you have the sphere of failure around motherhood and the mom guilt around needing time for yourself. Let me tell you something. Your kids need you to need time for yourself. I promise you.
00:09:28
Speaker
I promise you, I grew up with a mom who lived through me. I begged her to find her own thing. So understand that your children, even if they're little need a little bit of time to play on their own. If you have a toy kitchen or a little Legos or whatever it is that they like to play with, let them play with that. And that's when you work out. Don't clean the kitchen. F the kitchen. Forget it. My kitchen's over there, but F the kitchen that that will get clean.
00:09:56
Speaker
You know why? Because you make time for that. You prioritize that. You're cleaning the kitchen and you're doing the laundry instead of taking care of yourself. The laundry will get done. The dishes will get done. Especially if you have teenagers. Ask for their help, right? Recruit out, okay? So how to practice self-care as a mom. Make a plan. Moms plan everything. I know when the doctor appointments are, when we're going out to get school clothes, when who needs a new backpack, when the Chromebooks need to be charged, all the things
00:10:26
Speaker
Make a plan for your self-care. Phone a friend. Right? What was the, who wants to be a millionaire? The lifelines. They called them a lifeline. Phone a friend. It was a lifeline. Phone a friend. If you have kids, it's okay to give them an iPad. I mean, like old enough, if you have to give them an iPad, if you have kids, Charlotte, hi, you're a mom, you're listening. If you have to give them the iPad, okay.
00:10:54
Speaker
Release them on guilt around giving them some screen time so you can exercise or meal prep or got eat, right? For the first time that day, you know, delegate and ask, ask for help. If you don't have a spouse, if you don't have parents close, if you don't ask someone,
Building Support Networks for Mothers
00:11:12
Speaker
find friends.
00:11:13
Speaker
If you are a new mom, join a new mom group who has moms of babies who have, you know, your baby's age around the same age, right? That zero to six months, a six to nine months, right? Just like the diapers say, or the clothes say, find the moms of babies in that same age range because you're all going to be going through the same thing. You can all help each other out. I didn't really, I kind of did it with my first, with my second. I really did. And it was, my husband was like, you're such a different mom this time around. And that was because I had mom friends with kids
00:11:44
Speaker
that were like three and under, you know? Listen, you have to make it non-negotiable. Just like in life, you have non-negotiables in life. You shower, you eat, you brush your teeth. These are non-negotiables. You take the kids to soccer practice. You sleep, hopefully, sometimes a little bit. These are non-negotiables. You have to make your self-care non-negotiable, okay? Whatever that is.
00:12:11
Speaker
It has to be a non-negotiable. I'm gonna make it happen against all odds, all right? So whatever is going on, mom's taking a bath tonight. You guys are gonna figure yourself out, but I get 20 minutes and nobody knocks on that door. I got candles, maybe a glass of wine, whatever you want in there, do not knock on that door. 20, give me 20 minutes, okay? Know that you're worthy. And again, I'll say they need you to be your best self.
00:12:39
Speaker
you deserve to take care of yourself. Moms do not do the self-care enough. Even if you practice self-care, I will say you're not doing it enough. And that's not to say you have to spend all day ignoring your family, but we need to make sure that we're asking for what we need. We're delegating out. If you're a new mom, focus on the basics. If you have like a newborn baby six months around her, you're figuring this mom thing out, focus on the basics. Please. I can't tell you the amount of days
00:13:08
Speaker
I went without showering the amount of times I would hold my pee until it hurt because she, she, she, she, if I walked away, I thought she was going to cry like pee, go to the bathroom, right? Take a shower. Okay. Sleep. Don't sleep when the baby sleeps. I mean, unless you absolutely have to, but that, I think that's when you get your stuff. That's the self care time.
00:13:34
Speaker
right? Sleep at night when the baby's sleeping, but if they're napping at 10 30 in the morning, don't think you have to go to sleep. I hate that advice. I hate that advice. Um, I always did. I was like, but that's when I can, God, I can even just watch TV. I can have 20 minutes to do what I want. I'm not sleeping through that. So have a spa night at home, right? Again, connect with other moms in the same life stage. It's super important. Walk. Go for a walk.
00:14:04
Speaker
with or without your baby. I mean, if you can leave the baby home, if dad's home or you have an older sibling that can babysit, whatever, leave them with someone, don't leave them alone.
00:14:14
Speaker
Go for a walk. If you need to pull them in a stroller, push them in a stroller, right? Exercise when you're cleared too. Take a bath. I said all these things. Read a book. Listen to an audio book. If you're a more seasoned mom, delegate stuff out. And I need to be better. I'm yelling at myself about this too. Delegate stuff out. Have a mom's night out. Plan one. Schedule one. Text some friends. Hey, can we go out to dinner? How amazing is that? Mom's gone wild. I always joke around. It's mom's gone wild because we're out.
00:14:44
Speaker
We don't know what to do with ourselves, right? But it's true. Sign up. I used to sign up for the 5k fun runs with my kids and that was like the best bonding time. And I did that not because my mom did that stuff with us because my dad did. And, and, and that was the parent that I was closer to was my dad. And I love my mom. I'm not bad mouthing her and she's not even here anymore. And I miss her every day, but,
00:15:11
Speaker
The reason I do these things is because my dad taught me and I did the five K's with my, with my dad and the, the camping and skiing trips and the fun runs. And, and I do them with my kids and there's bonding in that. I would, you know, push the baby in the stroller and my toddler would be kind of run and then she'd want to push the stroller. And then at one point she got old enough to carry her sister for some of it. And I was tired of carrying her and she was like, put her on my back. And I was like, okay. And that felt like such a gift to have a like,
00:15:41
Speaker
was she nine year old carry a six year old? Like, you know, it was like, okay, cool. You know, um, listen,
00:15:49
Speaker
There's no shame in therapy or hiring a coach that you got to have someone to call, call your friends. Don't use them as therapists though. Just call them and like, you know, vent to each other, but they're not your therapist, right? Listen to a podcast or an audio book. Hopefully you're out on a walk listening to this one right now. That would be amazing. If you're practicing self care and listening to this right now, you win. You're winning, right? I listen to podcasts while I walk all the time. Meditate.
00:16:15
Speaker
Join a gym or do homework outs. If you need suggestions, contact me. I've got plenty of homework outs. I have one I do every single day, like a pro, a whole online thing that I do every single day, but there's stuff on YouTube, right? Or join a gym. There's cheap ones.
00:16:32
Speaker
Dance, dance it out. Play your songs, jam out, sing out loud in your car or the shower if God forbid you're ever home alone. Sing out loud, sing as loud as you possibly can. Horribly, awfully, doesn't matter. You could be Mariah Carey, I don't care. Sing out loud, as loud as you can to your favorite songs. Remember when you were a kid and you used to do that? It was so much fun, right? Get dressed. Again, this could be new mom. Get dressed, put on makeup.
00:17:01
Speaker
Even if you're going nowhere, I love musical theater. There is that Hello Dolly, the song in Hello Dolly, the musical. Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out, right? Struck down the street and have your picture took. But when you're feeling down and out, the best thing you can possibly do is get up and get dressed. Do not lean into, I just want to stay in bed and put the covers over my head, okay? Self care sometimes looks like putting yourself together
00:17:28
Speaker
even if you're just staying home. Put yourself together, go on Instagram if you want and be like, look at me, I got dressed. Yay for me, right? It's so important for your kids to see you taking care of yourself. It's so important because for one, you get to model that for them. They get to see that, right? This is how we maybe break patterns. If you had a mom that did not take care of herself, they get to see that and witness that through you.
00:17:58
Speaker
For two, you're setting some boundaries. And boundaries are good. They're learning the boundaries. Mom has boundaries. Mom has needs. Mom needs things too. She's human. All right? But three, it's going to take the pressure off of them. Kids are funny because they feel like they need to entertain mom all the time.
00:18:19
Speaker
They feel like they're taking care of you, which is really weird because they're like, mom, I need this. Mom, can I have that? And you're like driving the car and passing snacks.
Impact of Self-Care on Children
00:18:26
Speaker
And right, there was a bumper sticker that someone I, someone shared and I re-shared it on Facebook that was like, not drunk, just passing snacks to my kids. Like real, right? Okay. They're 14 and 11 and I'm still like, I can't reach you back. You need a phone charger? Ah, you know? Um, but they feel somehow like they're taking care of you. It's this weird, I'd have to get a,
00:18:48
Speaker
psychologist on here to talk about it, but like it takes the pressure off of them. When you're, when they see you taking care of you, they don't have to take care. Kids are very protective of their moms. So make it so they don't have to be. All right. I want to keep this short and sweet. Go practice some self care. Please, please, please. If you are listening to this, please share it with another mom. I, I, we all need to hear this. We all need the reminders.
00:19:16
Speaker
I know I get fired up and I know I'm a theater person, so my voice naturally just gets loud when I get excited. It just is what happens. I'm not yelling at you. I am hoping to inspire you to take care of you because ain't no one else going to do it. It's how we become the best us for them. Put the oxygen mask on, fill the bucket, all the analogies.
00:19:46
Speaker
This is how we're going to do it. Self-care. You've got to take care of you. Please share this.
Spreading the Self-Care Message
00:19:52
Speaker
And please, if you see this on Instagram or something, share below, like what are your favorite ways you do self-care? Did you go on a walk? Did you listen to this on a walk? What are you doing? What self-care are you going to practice? And if you need suggestions, you can always hit me up. I am here for you. I'll see you in the next episode.