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Sobriety for Gray Area Drinkers
23 Plays26 days ago
Are you a Gray Area drinker? What is it and does it differ from being Sober Curious?
Whether you are participating in Dry January, wanting to cut back on the Mom wine culture, or just considering all your options around alcohol, or if you're curious how alcohol afects your perimenopause journey, this episode is full of info on how to be more Momtabulous with or without alcohol, permanently or temporarily, or somewhere in between.
Follow Jennifer here for more tips and info -
IG @jenniferlillianwellness
www.jenniferlillianwellness.com
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Transcript
Introduction to Jen Evans and Sobriety Advocacy
00:00:00
Sharla Mandere
Hello and welcome back to Mom Tabulous. I'm Charla Mandare and with me today is Jen Evans. Jen is a mom of two boys, 12 and 14 years old, almost 14 years old. She is also a life coach and registered nurse who chose sobriety as a way of life over two years ago. It's part of her mission to normalize sobriety as a powerful choice available to anyone even if you don't have a problem.
00:00:26
Sharla Mandere
If you know alcohol isn't serving you, but you think you don't qualify for sobriety, she invites you to start listening to your intuition rather than looking outside of yourself for the answers to how you should live. It's time to release the chains of guilt and regret to start living a conscious and engaged life where you have your own back no matter what. I love this. I think it's so on point. Welcome, Jen.
00:00:49
Jen Evans
Thank you. I'm excited to be here. Thank you for having me.
Understanding 'Gray Area' Drinking
00:00:53
Sharla Mandere
Yeah. So you, you call this like sobriety for gray area drinkers. What, like what are, what are the gray area drinkers?
00:00:58
Jen Evans
no
00:01:01
Jen Evans
So I think for me, right, it was, I didn't, I didn't qualify for sobriety, right? Like I didn't qualify to be classified as an alcoholic. And this is the experience that I've had throughout my journey and meeting lots of different women along the way is that,
00:01:21
Jen Evans
You're a gray area drinker, which means like you're somewhere between social drinking, where you don't feel any way about it right you can take it you can leave it it's like not a thing it doesn't matter to you it doesn't.
00:01:34
Jen Evans
really take up any space in your mind. It's just kind of a thing or it's not a thing um versus the other spectrum where it's like you clearly have a problem. You have a chemical dependency and addiction. You need rehab. You need help. you know You've hit rock bottom. And the gray area is that any of that spectrum kind of in between where it's like you don't have a rock bottom, um but maybe alcohol takes up a little bit more space in your brain and your life than you really would like it to.
00:02:09
Sharla Mandere
Yeah. Yeah.
Trends and Entry Points for Sobriety
00:02:10
Sharla Mandere
I think that I feel like there's a lot of people, not just women, not just moms, rabbi but just people in general like that qualify for this, right?
00:02:15
Jen Evans
Sure.
00:02:18
Sharla Mandere
like Especially wherere as we're recording this, we're going into the holidays, but when this releases, the holidays will just be over.
00:02:22
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:02:23
Sharla Mandere
So January, people tend to go, I'm going to do like sober January, right?
00:02:28
Jen Evans
Dry January, yeah.
00:02:28
Sharla Mandere
Or there's yeah dry yeah dry January, there's sober October, there's
00:02:33
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:02:34
Sharla Mandere
out into the spring, we're doing a cleanse maybe, and and it's no alcohol, the sugars and all of that.
00:02:36
Jen Evans
Yep.
00:02:40
Sharla Mandere
um And and it's maybe it's a, or there's the sober curious movement, right? So is the gray area the like sober curious?
00:02:49
Jen Evans
I think so. I think a lot of people that would you know qualify um for the gray area are super curious, right? they're They're looking, they're questioning. um And I think that my invitation, what really made the difference for me was kind of releasing all the labels, even gray area drinking. like Who cares if you fit the definition or not? Really starting to look at what do I want? What am I feeling? What am I thinking?
Personal Reflections on Alcohol Use
00:03:23
Jen Evans
And like, what impact is this having on me? So whether you have a drink once a year or every day, I really don't think it matters. I think what matters most is
00:03:40
Jen Evans
How do you feel about it? What is the story that's playing in your head? What are the feelings? What's the impact on you personally, on your relationships, and just kind of how you're navigating the world? And if you don't like it, right, and if you can say, like, alcohol is playing a role in my dissatisfaction, then Don't dismiss that voice or that inner knowing just because you don't fit some sort of criteria.
00:04:18
Sharla Mandere
Right. Yeah.
Changing Perceptions of Sobriety
00:04:19
Sharla Mandere
Yeah. I think, so and and I think when I'm seeing people, i've I've had some friends just, you know, decide stop drinking. It's not serving me. I'm not an alcoholic, but I just.
00:04:28
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:04:30
Sharla Mandere
is not, doesn't do anything for me. And, and you and and so then they're like, I'm 72 days into my sobriety journey.
00:04:32
Jen Evans
yeah
00:04:37
Sharla Mandere
And I think when you say sobriety journey, it makes it sound like you had a problem maybe, right?
00:04:42
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:04:43
Sharla Mandere
But you're right. If we just release the labels and just, you know, 72 days since I've had a drink, didn't
00:04:46
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:04:50
Jen Evans
Right? And I do think that that the the stigma that's attached, right, with sobriety, that like if I say I'm sober, then you're right. Most people automatically assume, like, oh, she had a problem. Versus, like I'm choosing to live an alcohol-free lifestyle. I think people are still maybe going to have thoughts about that.
00:05:11
Jen Evans
But again, going back to who cares what other people think, like what is your truth? What is serving you and the life that you want to create? Right. And it's true. ah For me, you know, now I will say I had, I,
00:05:30
Jen Evans
When I did drink, I tended to be more of a binge drinker, right? So like maybe I went in with the intention of having one or two, and then next thing you know, I drank the whole bottle. And I think just to kind of normalize for people that if that is you, right? If that's happening to you, it's not you. There's not a problem with you. It's that alcohol is a highly addictive substance, right? And like, once you have that first drink, it's really kind of almost no longer a choice, right? That you've kind of taken a backseat, the alcohol's driving now.
00:05:59
Jen Evans
um But I don't think it matters how often or how much or whatever. It's just, again, what what do I want and how is this impacting me? And just being able to release those labels and those definitions and that that qualification and really just kind of check in and not worry about what are other people going to think. and i I do feel in my experience and the people that I've interacted with and my clients, that that is one of the things that really keeps people stuck, right? Is what are other people going to think?
00:06:37
Sharla Mandere
Yeah, for sure. There's this like, how do I fit in in this friend group, right? If you have a friend group and you go out after work to this pub every Wednesday night for trivia or whatever, right?
00:06:47
Jen Evans
you
00:06:48
Sharla Mandere
And, and, and you're at a pub. And so they're getting the drinks and they're getting the, I talked about this as a health coach and nutritionally, like they're getting the wings and the fries and the pub food that is fried in, you know, and
00:06:57
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:07:00
Sharla Mandere
And it's like, if you show up and you're like tonight I'm not drinking and I'm, and I'm going to get a salad and they go, what? And then they'll try to write it's where do I fit? And do I still continue to go to that Wednesday night trip tonight? If I feel like.
00:07:16
Sharla Mandere
I'm going to be the bummer or I'm going to get picked on or they're going to peer pressure me into like, just have, have a wing, have, have a drink, you know, whatever, you know? Um, but I wake up Thursday morning and I feel like crap because I ate like crap and I drank too much.
00:07:30
Sharla Mandere
And I, you know, now I've got to show up an adult.
00:07:31
Jen Evans
Right.
00:07:33
Sharla Mandere
It's not, you know, right.
00:07:33
Jen Evans
Right.
00:07:35
Sharla Mandere
And so, you know, or you go home and you've got kids and you're like, I just want to go to bed, but they're not in bed, you know? And so, you know, I, I have this conversation, a lot of this, love safety belonging with clients around nutrition and around alcohol, but like, but then where do I fit in, in this group at work, in the mom group that I hang out with.
00:07:48
Jen Evans
here
00:07:57
Sharla Mandere
And, you know, when we go on mom's night out and we just go to a winery or, you know, if I'm the one person not drinking, you feel a little athletes, right?
00:08:02
Jen Evans
here
00:08:06
Jen Evans
Yeah. And I think that that's where, you know, a lot of my coaching revolves around and for myself as
Coping Mechanisms and Mindset Shifts
00:08:15
Jen Evans
well, right? Like how I went on this journey was bringing awareness to what are the stories that I'm telling myself, right? What are the fears? What are the things that I am
00:08:31
Jen Evans
anticipating that feel really uncomfortable. So I go against my truth in order to avoid that discomfort, right? And so there is a big part here, I think, in getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, right? Being willing to sit in that discomfort.
00:08:50
Jen Evans
Um, and then I also, I'm a big believer that like our thoughts create our reality. So if you go in thinking I'm going to be the downer, nobody wants to talk to me, like how you show up then is going to be different.
00:09:05
Jen Evans
Then if you went into a social interaction thinking, I bring the party, I don't need alcohol to have fun, right? And like, then your mindset, your attitude, the feeling, the vibration that you create in your body is totally different, which means you show up differently and then like, you can still have a good time. So we think that it's the alcohol, right? But really it's our thoughts about the alcohol and the impact that it has.
00:09:33
Jen Evans
that creates those results. And so that's a lot of the work that I did personally and that I do, you know, when I'm helping people through this is like, let's really get familiar with those stories that you're telling yourself. And, and then also being willing to ask the tough questions of like, do I want to go? Right? Like, am I going because I feel like I should or like I have to, or because this actually brings me joy?
00:10:04
Jen Evans
You know, and and that can be hard because we all want to belong. We all want to fit in, right? But I think that true belonging comes from honoring your authenticity, right? And being truly you and not, you know,
00:10:20
Jen Evans
I always say, if I have to drink in order to feel comfortable around you, we probably aren't friends and like nothing against you or me, but it's just not a good fit. And so, and sometimes there is that loneliness, right? In the beginning, while you're kind of figuring this out of like, what do these social interactions look like now? And sometimes it's as simple as literally going for coffee, meeting a friend for coffee instead of meeting at the bar, right?
00:10:50
Sharla Mandere
Yeah.
00:10:51
Jen Evans
where it's like we can still have a relationship. We just need to kind of tweak it the context a little bit.
00:10:56
Sharla Mandere
Yeah, totally. And I think it's important to point out too, like listening to this, this is a mom, mom tabulous, right? You know, so mom listening to this that hopefully, you know, if if you If you are a mom listening to this, you you went through this nine to 10 month period where you weren't drinking and it was fine, right?
00:11:13
Jen Evans
Right.
00:11:16
Jen Evans
Yes.
00:11:16
Sharla Mandere
That you could just say, I'm not drinking, I'm pregnant. And nobody goes, why not? Just here, have one. It's not going to hurt the baby, right? That you can do it for...
00:11:27
Sharla Mandere
some right The things we do for our children, right? You give it up when you're pregnant because you know it's best for the baby and there's no questions about it and people don't question it. you know My daughter, I have a 15 year, my oldest is 15 and she um has started watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.
00:11:44
Sharla Mandere
And I'm like, yes, awesome. So we're watching you know that show together and there's there's it's and we haven't seen it yet but i'm remembering there's like later on in the seasons there's somewhere out of town it's a wedding or something and lily thinks she might be pregnant but like nobody knows she didn't even tell marshall and so she's drinking what is like soda water with a with a lime in it that they think is like gin and
00:11:54
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:12:11
Jen Evans
Sure, like a vodka or tonic or whatever. Yeah.
00:12:14
Sharla Mandere
and And they're like, how, all weekend, they're like, how is she, she goes, keep them coming, keep them coming. How is she so much? Man, Lily, how is she still standing? And then you find out later that she had gone to the bartender with like a large tip and said, soda water only make it look like I'm drinking, but I'm not drinking.
00:12:30
Sharla Mandere
And, you know, because she didn't want to call attention to it. She didn't want anyone to ask why, but like, you know, but it was this whole, it was this whole thing about, about her and drinking and not drinking.
00:12:35
Jen Evans
Sure.
00:12:42
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:12:43
Sharla Mandere
ah She thought she might possibly be pregnant.
Emotional Awareness and Authenticity
00:12:45
Sharla Mandere
She wasn't and was fine with it, you know, all weekend.
00:12:48
Jen Evans
When I think that that's a really good point is like, when you're pregnant, right?
00:12:49
Sharla Mandere
um
00:12:54
Jen Evans
You don't even question it. You go in with this confidence of like, this is what I'm doing. And if this is a decision that people choose to make, that's the same kind of competence that you can create. You just have to really...
00:13:09
Jen Evans
get in touch with like your why, right? Like why is this important to you? And feel that conviction of like, I'm doing this for me. I don't have to have a problem, right? I can choose this because I want to feel amazing. Like I don't want to have that drag or that fog or, you know, and like, and that that's enough. But to your point too, just having something in your hand People literally don't care, right? We always think that other people are so concerned with like what we're doing. Most people care most about themselves, right? And like as long as you have something in your hand, nobody cares. They'll leave you be, you know?
00:13:51
Sharla Mandere
Yeah, yeah i'm I'm big on the the staying hydrated. when when i when you So I um i always joke around laying double fisting.
00:13:58
Jen Evans
Uh-huh.
00:13:58
Sharla Mandere
I've got a glass you and glass of water. So I'll rote and then it's like I'm on the water. So they you know they see me with the two and then you know I have water and maybe I have water for the rest of the night, but nobody's questioning it because they saw earlier.
00:14:04
Jen Evans
Sure. Yeah.
00:14:10
Sharla Mandere
you know um But that's kind of my trick is like, if I just want one glass, and then I'll be like, I'm double fisting.
00:14:17
Jen Evans
Yep.
00:14:18
Sharla Mandere
No water. and then And then I'm, oh, I'm in between. I'm on my water. And that's, you know, but yeah, a lot of people I've heard too, people just go and say like, just like, like Lilly did soda water with the lemon in it.
00:14:28
Jen Evans
here
00:14:28
Sharla Mandere
And people assume you've got like a gin and tonic, right?
00:14:31
Jen Evans
yep
00:14:32
Sharla Mandere
um And so, you know, you're right. No one questions what's in that glass. Cause we're not in high school.
00:14:37
Jen Evans
Mm hmm. Right. Right. But it is, I think, it's really powerful to start to bring that self awareness of what if that's a fear of yours right to like to bring it to the surface, to bring it into the light, and to just sit with it and say, I also love the question of like, so what, right?
00:15:01
Jen Evans
So, so what? Say somebody does ask you, so what?
00:15:04
Sharla Mandere
Yeah.
00:15:04
Jen Evans
Like, what are you making that mean? And really doing that deep dive into your own inner world, right? I have heard of so many people that will like Google, like, do I have a drinking problem?
00:15:17
Jen Evans
If you're Googling that, regardless of what Google says, like you feel that you do, right? So like sit with that, explore that. like How is it a problem?
00:15:28
Jen Evans
what And is it worth it, right? I always say, I had a patient the other day, he was like, oh, I've got this belly, like I'm trying to, you know, I just can't get rid of and I was like, well, what do you eat? And he's like, well, you know, I do love my chips. And I was like, and that's fine, right? And you may decide, now first of all, you can eat chips, right? But like,
00:15:48
Jen Evans
If you love your chips that much, you may decide that the chips are worth it, right? That the chips are more important to you than having like a six pack. And you can feel really good about that decision. And I think that the same is true for your alcohol consumption is like, if you decide it's worth it, I don't mind being, you know, hung over the next day or having that brain fog or whatever, like,
00:16:14
Jen Evans
Go you, right? I'm not out there telling everybody, like everyone should be sober. But what I am saying is if you're questioning it and if you're wondering, and if you have that little voice, no matter how big or small it is, to give it some air time, to really sit with it and get familiar, get curious, right? Of like, what what what do I want? What is my truth?
00:16:40
Jen Evans
and I think we silence that so much because we're worried about what everyone else is doing and society and, you know, all of that.
00:16:51
Sharla Mandere
Yeah. So we've talked about the social, what about, you know, as moms, you know, there's that joke, like with the toddlers or the teenagers and like, this is why mom drinks, like, you right?
00:16:56
Jen Evans
here a
00:17:01
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:17:02
Sharla Mandere
But it's, it's a coping skill. And I've fallen that too, where it's like, I've got a 12 and 15 year old girls.
00:17:05
Jen Evans
Sure. Sure.
00:17:10
Sharla Mandere
So, you know, we are hormonal, we are emotional, we have all the things happening.
00:17:11
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:17:15
Sharla Mandere
We're homeschooling one, we've got, you know, one in all activities.
00:17:17
Jen Evans
Yeah!
00:17:18
Sharla Mandere
And it's like, girl, I was not going to have a drink tonight. And then you had three meltdowns ah ah tree and and an English thing. And then, and some boy that you don't, you haven't even talked to outside of Snapchat.
00:17:32
Sharla Mandere
And I just can't, right?
00:17:34
Jen Evans
Right.
00:17:35
Sharla Mandere
Give mom the wine.
00:17:36
Jen Evans
So... And and I mean, that's a real thing, right?
00:17:40
Sharla Mandere
no
00:17:40
Jen Evans
Mommy wine culture is very predominant in our culture, right? Like, societally, wine or alcohol is the answer for everything. It's like you had a bad day, have a drink.
00:17:52
Jen Evans
You had a great day, let's celebrate with a drink, right?
00:17:52
Sharla Mandere
Yeah.
00:17:54
Jen Evans
Like, you're just kind of neutral, great, let's make it more exciting with a drink. Like, alcohol has been socialized as the answer to everything.
00:18:00
Sharla Mandere
Yeah.
00:18:05
Jen Evans
And So it takes some again curiosity and maybe getting a little creative of like, what can I do and set because scientifically right that the facts are that alcohol actually doesn't help you cope. It's a temporary release.
00:18:22
Jen Evans
that then makes it worse, right? It spikes your cortisol levels. Like the chemical hormonal effect it has actually makes you less effective at coping with stress. And so, and it makes you sleep worse. Like it, it the literal chemical physical impact that it has, it's really not what it's cracked up to be, right? It feels good in the moment, but the after effects,
00:18:48
Jen Evans
Um, or not. So we have to then look at what brings me to authentic joy. How else can I decompress? Right. And I think for everybody it's different. And this is where, again, you have to be willing to kind of try things and get curious, but maybe it's a meditation, maybe it's reading a book, maybe it's going for a walk, right? Walking is big in the sober community. It's like,
00:19:11
Jen Evans
walking changes everything right it breaks that that like that craving right that just get outside change your scenery that movement the alternating movement like there's a lot of science behind it um but maybe you listen to music like finding other things and again going back to that idea of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, like really learning to feel your feelings. So, you know, your daughter had a crazy day and like, okay, what are you feeling right now? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Are you feeling anxious? Are you feeling sad? Like, and not feeling like we have to get rid of that, right? Being willing to just sit with it and accept it.
00:19:57
Jen Evans
I think that emotions have so much power over us because they feel so scary. but But in reality, they're just a vibration in your body, right? It's just an electrical charge. It's energy. And like all energy, good and bad, it passes. It's when we like hold on or when we fight it, that it sticks around way longer than we want it to.
00:20:23
Jen Evans
um So yes, like do people use alcohol to cope? Absolutely. Is it an effective coping strategy? Not so much. Are there better things that we can do and like that actually get you to show up the way you want to show up? You know, I am going to guess that most of the moms listening to this, you want to be the best mom you can be, right? And it's like, this isn't judgment, but really sitting and looking at like,
00:20:46
Jen Evans
Is this helping me in that journey or is it actually holding me
Choosing Sobriety: A Personal Journey
00:20:52
Jen Evans
back? And only you know, right? I always say like, only you know what's best for you.
00:20:54
Sharla Mandere
Yeah.
00:20:57
Jen Evans
I can't tell you that. But it's if it feels like that kind of like angel and devil on your shoulder all the time in this tug of war, then like take a pause and think about what do I truly want?
00:21:11
Jen Evans
What is in of most service to me and the life that I want to create? And for me, that was letting go of the alcohol.
00:21:19
Sharla Mandere
Yeah. And so I usually have people tell like their stories in the beginning and we jumped right into it. So how you, how, how did you like, what, what was your experience?
00:21:31
Sharla Mandere
in
00:21:32
Jen Evans
Yeah, so i I mean, like, if we go like way back, I started drinking when I was like, freshman in high school, right? And so I always kind of questioned my relationship with alcohol, but I could go days, weeks, months without drinking. And, you know, I had two kids. I didn't drink during my pregnancies. It was a non-issue. And even after, right, I didn't drink for a while. I was breastfeeding and like, um, and then during COVID, I really went on this kind of health journey. I always like to say like, I was fit, but not healthy, right? I,
00:22:06
Jen Evans
ate like crap, I drank alcohol, I did all these things, but like I worked out, I looked good. um But I didn't feel great. And so I started to kind of explore that I changed the way I ate, I got just more intentional about how I was living my life. and And alcohol was just that one thing that kind of, it was like, I was, you know, eating organic and getting sleep and meditating and exercising and doing all these things. And then it was like, but then I'm ingesting literal poison, right? And it was like, why? What am I? There's like a disconnect here. um So I did a cleanse. And um I felt amazing. I was like, Oh, wow. But then I would have a drink here or there. And after doing that cleanse, I really felt the effects. And I really felt like how bad it made me feel. And I was like, Oh,
00:22:59
Jen Evans
But i I held on right because of all those fears of like, how will I socialize, how will this impact my relationship you know my husband and I have been together since junior year of high school. So, we were.
00:23:12
Jen Evans
kind of drinking buddies, right? And so it was like, what are we gonna do if that's not how we unwind, right? And how we cope as parents. um So a lot of those fears kind of helped me, kept me stuck for probably about a year or two, where I was just this constant kind of back and forth. I'm cutting back, I'm stopping, um and then it would just slowly kind of creep back in. um And then no rock bottom, nothing major happened. i It was like a,
00:23:41
Jen Evans
Wednesday night, I had to work the next day at the time I was working in labor and delivery. um Started as one glass of wine on the deck, no big deal. Next thing I know, I drank a whole bottle. I got up the next morning, I was hungover, driving to work, and I was like, what are you what are you doing? Like, what what is this? Why are you doing this? It was kind of a slow day at work. I did some Instagram searches, found some sobriety accounts,
00:24:09
Jen Evans
I do think that community is really important, right?
Community and Support in Sobriety
00:24:13
Jen Evans
um To not feel alone, to not feel isolated. um Started following some accounts and I was came home that night and I was like, listen, I'm done. And he was like, you know, again, I had been talking for a while of like, I'm cutting back, I'm doing this. And he's like, you mean forever? And I was like, yeah, like I'm done, done.
00:24:32
Jen Evans
And he was like, all right, I saw that coming. um And that was it. So that was July 28th of 2022. And I really haven't looked back. I do think that my life is better without it. I also think though, my experience in sobriety and in these groups has been a lot of like rose colored glasses where like, sobriety is your superpower and like life is so wonderful and like,
00:25:00
Jen Evans
That wasn't my experience. right My life is better. But then I had to actually learn how to feel my feelings right and deal with being uncomfortable and not use that as a crutch. And so sometimes like it feels worse. But in here, I know that I'm honoring my truth and doing what's best for me. And so like even on the tough days, it's better without.
00:25:26
Sharla Mandere
Yeah. Yeah. It's, ah I mean, I think that's a great story. And I think that speaks to so many people, right? And so many moms and women, like just the, like, you know, I'll have a glass of wine and then I'm three quarters of a bottle down.
00:25:40
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:25:42
Sharla Mandere
And, you know, and, and, and then you're the next day, you know, you've got to, you've got to adult, you've got to work, you've got to do the things.
00:25:42
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:25:47
Jen Evans
Right?
00:25:49
Sharla Mandere
And it's like, I just don't want to, you know, and so feel better, you know,
00:25:53
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:25:55
Sharla Mandere
I myself have been cutting back a lot and and and i yeah, noticed I I'm more productive, I have more energy in the morning, you know, um and all of that.
00:26:03
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:26:05
Sharla Mandere
And so just in this menopause journey, you know, how alcohol affects women in menopause is very different.
00:26:10
Jen Evans
Yeah?
00:26:11
Sharla Mandere
I can drink like I did and when I was in college.
00:26:12
Jen Evans
Right.
00:26:14
Sharla Mandere
I did a show a couple years ago where I was performing and and the the there was a group of like, they were like, one girl just turned 21 and they were like 22, you know?
00:26:24
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:26:25
Sharla Mandere
And I was like, I cannot hang.
00:26:29
Jen Evans
right
00:26:29
Sharla Mandere
And as much as I would love to hang out, you know, I'm like,
00:26:32
Jen Evans
who
00:26:33
Sharla Mandere
I think I went out one night with them and and and I left and they and then the next day we showed up for the show and they were like, yeah, we were there at till 4.30 and
Challenges of Moderation and Personal Empowerment
00:26:43
Jen Evans
Oh my God.
00:26:43
Sharla Mandere
I was like, no way could I, if the mom went out till 4.30 in the morning, my husband would have been like, what were you doing?
00:26:46
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:26:49
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:26:51
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:26:52
Sharla Mandere
Are you okay? like Calling me like, are you dead on the side of the road somewhere?
00:26:55
Jen Evans
Right.
00:26:56
Sharla Mandere
I was like, oh man, I think I left at like one and like I was like, this is so late.
00:27:01
Jen Evans
Yeah. I mean, I agree. That is so late. I'm like nine o'clock is my ideal bedtime, but yeah.
00:27:04
Sharla Mandere
yeah
00:27:07
Sharla Mandere
23-year-old Charlotte would have been like there till 4.30 in the morning with them, you know. But um yeah, it's like I cannot do with that anymore. q You show up the next day and you do a 2 p.m.
00:27:17
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:27:20
Sharla Mandere
matinee and you're fine. Wow, okay. I was like, I'm exhausted.
00:27:22
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:27:24
Jen Evans
Yeah. Seriously.
00:27:26
Sharla Mandere
Like, I'm smarter than you. um Yeah.
00:27:28
Jen Evans
And I do think one of the things that, you know, I did for a long time, and I think that a lot of people do, um, is try to moderate, right? And. if that works for you, great. But being honest with yourself about like, is that actually working, right? And not you, I just made one in general. um Because it wasn't working for me, right? It like, it was always kind of in the back of my mind of like, you know, just this, alcohol just had way too much power over me, right? And being willing to acknowledge that and be like, okay, I want to take my power back. And it's not a failure. and
00:28:06
Jen Evans
There's nothing wrong with me and like, it's just, this is a choice that I get to make for myself. But yeah, yeah, I can't, couldn't hang like that either anymore.
00:28:14
Sharla Mandere
Yeah. Oh.
00:28:18
Sharla Mandere
yeah I don't think I even think I could hang out without alcohol until 4.30 in the morning. Like, I would still...
00:28:24
Jen Evans
Same.
00:28:27
Sharla Mandere
But even one in the morning was like, oh, mom's got to go to bed.
00:28:27
Jen Evans
Same.
00:28:30
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:28:31
Sharla Mandere
um so
00:28:35
Sharla Mandere
how do we get through this tug of war? Like if ah if there's a mom listening and she's like, you know, I've been on the fence off the fence like this, right? For a while I'm thinking about it.
00:28:42
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:28:43
Sharla Mandere
And um how do we, how do we do that? And then like, if it is a social thing, like where do we find maybe it's time to find a new community or just an even like a little bit, right?
00:28:53
Jen Evans
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
00:28:55
Sharla Mandere
Kind of dip your toe
00:28:57
Jen Evans
Yeah, absolutely.
00:28:57
Sharla Mandere
And they know that one night out with your friends, but then maybe there's these new friends over here, right?
00:29:02
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:29:06
Sharla Mandere
So, you know, like, it's kind of like my high schooler in January, her whole schedule changes and she has all new classes because they have this four block system.
00:29:06
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:29:12
Jen Evans
Okay.
00:29:15
Sharla Mandere
So it's like, okay, well, she's going to have a whole new set of, I mean, she'll have her core group, but then she's going to meet all these new people in January because she's going to have three whole new classes that she didn't have.
00:29:20
Jen Evans
hey Sure.
00:29:24
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:29:28
Sharla Mandere
Right.
00:29:28
Jen Evans
Yeah. So I think, again, it takes a little bit of courage, it takes a little bit of vulnerability to be willing to um to go places and be uncomfortable. So I don't know, maybe you have always wanted to take a pottery class, right? And it's like, go do that or take a dance class or do things that aren't a ah revolving around alcohol, right? There's more to life than just like going out to dinner. Like there's so many other things that you can do. And so it requires a little bit of creativity and maybe, you know, look at your library and see what programs do they have? Like do they have knitting or a book club or You know, all these different things, book clubs can be a little tricky because I think a lot of book clubs are just excuses to drink, right? But find like an actual book club or start your own, right? Like being, you have you have to have a little bit of courage, right? To be able to say, I'm going to do things differently and just kind of invite people along. I did find Instagram to be a really great space to find sobriety and sober communities and kind of
00:30:42
Jen Evans
go from there. Sober at and like your city, a lot of cities have um ah so a sober community or sober sober in, not sober at. So like at sober in Philadelphia or wherever, fill in your blank is a great resource, I think.
00:31:02
Jen Evans
Um, and then a lot of, um, there are a lot of like quit lit books, right? So books about kind of really recognizing that story.
New Perspectives and Social Alternatives
00:31:14
Jen Evans
For me, that's what it's all about is that self-awareness is kind of bringing awareness to the narrative that's playing in your head and starting to question those thoughts.
00:31:25
Jen Evans
And I always say, even if it's true, right? Cause your brain's going to be like, it is true. You are going to be, you know, the dead weight here. And it's like, even if that's true, does thinking that serve you?
00:31:37
Jen Evans
And if it doesn't, how can we start to shift your perspective and look at life through a different lens?
00:31:39
Sharla Mandere
Yeah.
00:31:43
Jen Evans
Um, so I don't know if that answered your question. Get creative, do different things, right?
00:31:46
Sharla Mandere
Yeah.
00:31:49
Jen Evans
And like I said earlier, coffee instead of wine, right? Like switching the time of day. um And if you are going to a social event, asking yourself, do I actually want to be here, right? like and And if the answer is no, but you feel this should, right, then getting curious about why. What are you making it mean about you if you don't go?
00:32:14
Jen Evans
um So being willing to say no, right? Being willing to have that and discomfort of saying no because you have your back.
00:32:23
Sharla Mandere
Yeah.
00:32:25
Jen Evans
And there was something else I was going to say.
00:32:25
Sharla Mandere
Or if it's a work event or something, right?
00:32:26
Jen Evans
but
00:32:28
Sharla Mandere
We're going to the holiday parties here for work.
00:32:29
Jen Evans
you
00:32:30
Sharla Mandere
coming this Like if it's a work event, like maybe you show up, you have the the the glass with the sparkling water and the lime and no one knows the difference and you leave early.
00:32:34
Jen Evans
Yes.
00:32:38
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:32:41
Jen Evans
You leave early.
00:32:41
Sharla Mandere
we make your appearance as you should for the work thing and then everybody's happy, right?
00:32:42
Jen Evans
Yes.
00:32:47
Jen Evans
Absolutely.
00:32:48
Sharla Mandere
A lot of restaurants too, they have the mocktails now.
00:32:51
Jen Evans
Cocktails. It's a thing.
00:32:51
Sharla Mandere
And they're so pretty. I had a friend, he's a dad and he's on a sober journey and
00:32:53
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:32:57
Sharla Mandere
And he posted this picture with this like coop glass and this pink thing with a flower in it. And i was like and he's he was like, mocktails with my wife.
00:33:04
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:33:08
Sharla Mandere
And I was like, I, at first I was surprised cause in my head I was like, Oh, I thought he was on a sober journey.
00:33:12
Jen Evans
Mm-hmm.
00:33:13
Sharla Mandere
And then I read the caption and I was like, dang, that looks good.
00:33:15
Jen Evans
Yeah?
00:33:17
Sharla Mandere
Like that is so pretty.
00:33:17
Jen Evans
Yes.
00:33:19
Sharla Mandere
What a treat. That looks amazing. Where is that?
00:33:22
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:33:23
Sharla Mandere
Yeah. yeah
00:33:23
Jen Evans
Well, and I think it used to be that like, if you ordered a non-alcoholic drink, it was like, you got a Shirley Temple, right?
00:33:30
Sharla Mandere
right
00:33:30
Jen Evans
And it's where you got juice.
00:33:33
Sharla Mandere
Bye.
00:33:33
Jen Evans
But they are, they're getting really creative. There's lots of liquors that have, you know, they're alcohol free. And so, Sobriety is definitely here to stay. I think it is a movement and I think that that it's a beautiful thing because it decreases the stigma. But yeah, I think just being willing being willing to to do things differently in honor of of your truth um is is really powerful, right? Because then you also attract in people with that energy, right? Of like, I'm here, this is who I am, I'm confident, um but sometimes it takes time and that and that that's okay.
00:34:14
Sharla Mandere
Yeah, yeah, for sure. This has been such a great conversation, so eye opening, so people can find you on Instagram too, right?
Resources and Empowerment in Sobriety Choices
00:34:21
Jen Evans
Yes, um at Jennifer Lillian Wellness is my tag. And then if this is something like if you are, curious, right? If you're questioning and you're like, I don't know, I feel like this isn't really serving me, but I i don't even know where to begin.
00:34:37
Jen Evans
um I do have a free workshop that is like pre-recorded. It comes with a workbook um and everything that you can access to kind of start that exploration on your own.
00:34:48
Sharla Mandere
Awesome. Yeah.
00:34:49
Jen Evans
So we can.
00:34:49
Sharla Mandere
And we even get into like, how do you talk to your your spouse or your partner if they're not on board with it, right?
00:34:54
Jen Evans
Yeah. Yeah.
00:34:56
Sharla Mandere
Do you go into that in the workshop?
00:34:58
Jen Evans
I don't this is more about self reflection, but I think you will discover that that if that's one of your concerns right and then I have a whole nother thing that helps you kind of explore your thoughts and all, but it really is.
00:35:14
Jen Evans
what what are you making this mean, right? What are your fears? And I think that that drives your energy of how you show up to that conversation. So if it's like, I need his approval or I need and um then it's hard versus this is what I'm doing. I'm doing this for me. I would, you know, appreciate your support. If not, we'll figure it out, you know, and just kind of being open to to what's possible.
00:35:39
Sharla Mandere
Yeah. Yeah. Just like if you were doing a cleanse and they're not doing the cleanse, you know, but they're hopefully supporting in it.
00:35:43
Jen Evans
Sure.
00:35:46
Sharla Mandere
Yeah.
00:35:46
Jen Evans
Yeah, well, and boundaries, right? And kind of defining those for yourself. And um that's one thing I think that sometimes people get a little confused about boundaries is it's like we say boundaries, but what we really mean is we want other people to do things. And I think that boundaries are, this is what I'm going to do, you know, and being clear of like, this is what I would like from you. But if that doesn't happen, here's what I'm going to do. Right. So say you're going to a party and if you ask your spouse, like,
00:36:16
Jen Evans
I'm not drinking tonight. It would be helpful if you didn't. And it's like, but if you do, I'm going to leave and you're going to get an Uber or whatever, you know, like you get to decide, or, you know, if you're, this is one of the things that my husband and I do, cause he still drinks. Um, he hosts poker that the dad's in the neighborhood of poker on poker nights. He sleeps in another room and like, and that's great, right? It's, I mean, even when I,
00:36:43
Jen Evans
was drinking, I think we still kind of I did that just so we didn't disrupt my sleep, right? But it's like, I don't, I don't really want that in my life, you know, and so we just don't see each other for those hours. And it's great, it works out beautifully. ah So yeah, I think it it is an individual journey for sure of deciding like what you are and aren't comfortable with and um you know, how you want it to look. Some people can still go to all the parties and do all the things and it's not a problem for them, right? Like they don't even think about it because they go in with that attitude of like, I bring the party, I am the party, I don't need the drinks, you know? So yeah.
00:37:22
Sharla Mandere
Yeah, I love it. You bring the party. You bring it.
00:37:25
Jen Evans
That's right.
00:37:25
Sharla Mandere
Well, thank you so much, Jen. This was awesome.
00:37:29
Jen Evans
Yeah, thank you.
00:37:31
Sharla Mandere
Lots to ponder and think about and I appreciate you being on and all your wisdom and advice and
00:37:38
Jen Evans
Yeah, I appreciate you having me and hopefully it's helpful. I think the last thing I'll just say is, um you know, if you're questioning, like you're not alone and to to just, to, to trust yourself, right? To trust rather than looking for approval or guidance outside of yourself to really trust um that own inner knowing, that intuition, that gut, that whatever you want to call it.
00:38:04
Sharla Mandere
Yeah, always, always trust that intuition for sure.
00:38:07
Jen Evans
Yeah.
00:38:08
Sharla Mandere
Awesome. Well, thank you again, and we will see you in the next episode.
00:38:12
Jen Evans
Okay.