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Prioritizing What Matters {Episode 71}
78 Plays5 years ago
During this crazy, chaotic time of global pandemic, so many of us have been ruminating on the things that matter most. If you've come out of this quarantine with a firm determination to live your life differently than before, this is the episode for you!
We're talking about how to get our priorities in alignment with our most precious values and how to communicate them to the people we love most. We also discuss how to stand our ground when it seems like the entire world is determined to change our minds!
Resources:
Intentional Parenting (Episode 12)
The Untrue Yes by Live Free Creative Co
Boundaries (book)
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Transcript
Introduction to Episode 71
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back everyone this is episode 71 of Outnumber the Podcast and today we're talking about prioritizing what matters. During this very strange unprecedented time of a global pandemic it seems like so many of us are reevaluating what's important to us. What we've spent the past years doing, being busy with, running around like crazy, all of a sudden we're starting to stop and think a little bit more about how we spend our time and our energy.
00:00:26
Speaker
Maybe our priorities were already in alignment and mostly we just miss our social engagements or maybe we're stopping and thinking that time alone with our families is really what matters most.
Reevaluating Priorities During the Pandemic
00:00:36
Speaker
So today we're going to dive deep into prioritizing what matters in our lives including some very important personal priorities that should determine how we live every other aspect of our lives as well as some interpersonal priorities and how we deal with other people.
00:00:50
Speaker
We'll also be talking a little bit about standing our ground when it seems like the entire world is out to get us and our priorities. We're so grateful you guys are here. We hope you love this episode.
00:01:06
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. We're experienced moms to a combined total of 18 children. Our mission is to help overwhelmed parents find peace in parenting and humor in the chaos. Come join us as we attempt uninterrupted conversation about parenting with joy and intention.
Ensuring Time for What Matters
00:01:31
Speaker
Okay, we are back. Welcome guys. We're excited about today's episode because we are just kind of buckling down and figuring out how to make sure we're making time for the things that matter most in our life, right? And I think that this is kind of being brought up a lot as we're stuck at home with just our family and the essentials. So we're thinking, huh, are we spending the most time on the things that matter when life is going like normal? And I'm finding that I'm not. So it's a good test for me.
00:02:01
Speaker
One of the reasons that we decided to do this topic was because when life kind of throws curveballs at you and things start falling apart, I think it's really important that we understand why. And sometimes I just think, well, it's because I have so many things on my plate. And then I have to remember, okay, but I put those things on my plate. So today's episode is figuring out what things have to be there, what shouldn't be, and how to make our lives more full of meaning.
00:02:25
Speaker
Right, this is going to be a fun one. But first, I have a funny thing that my kids said to me this week. So, recently my three-year-old had a birthday and of course that's very fun. I kind of think three years old is the most fun birthday to have with a kid because it's the one day
00:02:44
Speaker
Like they can anticipate before this time, they don't really, like they don't really get it. But like for three years old, they can kind of anticipate it coming because they've seen, you know, maybe siblings or mom and dad have their birthday.
00:02:56
Speaker
And then they can kind of remember it and it's kind of fun and they get it. So I don't know. I've always said that like three years old is my favorite birthday party. Yeah, for sure, for sure. And they're not quite old enough that they can make you an endless list of what they want and drive you crazy. And they love anything you get them. Exactly.
Finding Purpose: The 'Why' in Life
00:03:15
Speaker
So my three-year-old just had her birthday and she's been talking about it for a while. And she told me the other day, mom, today
00:03:23
Speaker
I want to have my birthday party. Let's have my birthday party today. This was like, you know, a month after her birthday. And I said, well, honey, it's not your birthday. You have to wait until your birthday. She says, mom, mom, I don't want my birthday. I just want my birthday party. Smart girl. She has it there, kid. I'm with you there.
00:03:43
Speaker
She gets it. Forget the actual birthday. Who cares about that? I just want the cake and the presents and usually friends, but I guess not right now. Whatever. Yeah. So that's fun. Okay. So we're going to dive right into this topic and we're going to start by talking about our why. So we talk about whys a lot in business, right, Audrey? Yes, we do.
00:04:06
Speaker
When we are talking about business plans or the reasoning behind why we started our business or our hobby or whatever, we talk about our quote unquote, why. That means just the big grandiose purpose behind everything we do. And most all businesses have this. They have a motto or a mission statement or something that brings everything back to one or two big reasons for doing everything. So I've found that if life feels overwhelming or even underwhelming, like,
00:04:34
Speaker
I feel like I'm not accomplishing much or that my life just feels purposeless. I have to go back to my foundation, if that makes sense. Yeah, that totally makes sense. So my thought on why, my first thought on why to prioritize is that you cannot do everything.
00:04:52
Speaker
You can't, you might want to, but you cannot do everything. So you have to make decisions on what you're going to prioritize, what you're going to do and what you're going to not do. And then how you're going to prioritize those things that you have decided, um, are your priorities, what you're going to do. So you have to put them in, in order and commit to those. So yeah, we're going to go through, um, both how to like internally make these decisions and priorities and then,
00:05:21
Speaker
discuss how to stay committed to these when other things come to us from the outside that might distract or try to dissuade us from these priorities that we've set up in our lives.
Defining and Adapting Personal Priorities
00:05:37
Speaker
Right, totally. This talking about priorities reminds me of something I think we mentioned in a previous episode. I forget which one, sorry.
00:05:43
Speaker
It was about the word priority. And I remember reading in a book that the root of the word priority was never plural. It was singular when it began being used in English language, meaning that there was one thing that was important, just one. And now we're like, well, my priorities are, and we've got a list a mile long. It's like, well, that kind of defeats the purpose of it being a priority, right? There should be like two.
00:06:07
Speaker
one, two, maybe three, or you can rank those top ones or whatever. But I just think that's an important thing to remember is that somehow in today's day and age, we've gotten so carried away that we think everything is important. And that's not really true.
00:06:22
Speaker
So I'm gonna start by just sharing what I consider to be my three big rocks, if that makes sense. Like the things that I put in my bucket first and then fill everything in, elting with sand, right? My number one is God and my church. So I guess it's, okay, I'm gonna start that part over. My number one is God, my worship. Number two is family. And number three for me right now is building my business. Now my number three has changed in the past.
00:06:52
Speaker
before I had a business, et cetera. But those are what I'm working on right now. And I think that as I go through other phases of life, other pursuits might come in there, but I plan to always have that one and two in place, if that makes sense.
00:07:05
Speaker
Yeah, those are my one and two also. And I am uncompromising about putting my spirituality first. I have to do that, or everything else falls apart in my life. So for me, more like a pyramid. My number one is the foundation is what I build on. Because if that's not there, then there's nothing to build on for me. And then my family.
00:07:31
Speaker
When we have big families, like for you and I, it can mean that there's not a lot of time for anything else. And that's okay. If you just have like two priorities, God, and then your family, that's okay. That's good. If there's nothing else that you're prioritizing right now or ever, that's okay. I say that because I know we have a lot of people with large families that listen to our podcasts for good reason.
00:07:59
Speaker
But so for me, yeah, like number three shifts around it kind of depends on what. What's demanding my attention the most like I know we're going to get into specific examples later, but just real quick.
00:08:15
Speaker
School finishing up my kids home school Studies for the year right now has become a big priority So we're focusing on it really hard and we're gonna finish it up so that we can let that one go for the summer or move on to what we do for summer schooling and And and gain back some time
00:08:35
Speaker
to, to spend more time on other things, if that makes sense. But right now we're pushing real hard to get through finishing our school. And then like at the end of next week, when we're done with our schoolwork, then things are going to shift and something else is going to become number three. But yeah, we'll talk about that more in a little bit, how to shift these things around and personal examples that we have done.
00:08:59
Speaker
Yeah. I love that you mentioned that about larger families needing to just have family be a priority for a long time. And I would say the same about any size family at certain phases, right? Like if you remember having one or two children that were very little, even though you might not have had lots of go, go, go packed into your day,
00:09:18
Speaker
it's still very busy just caring for these wild little minions. And then when they go down for a nap, you just have to catch up on laundry or something, right? You just have to keep kids out of the toilet all day long. So definitely very basic and if you're stuck in one of those phases where you just have those
The Pie Plate Analogy and Life's Foundations
00:09:33
Speaker
one or two priorities, it can be very frustrating, especially if you're a doer and you think, but I want to be doing XYZ, but I need to be accomplishing this and that.
00:09:41
Speaker
just be aware that that phase won't last forever. But you have to kind of settle into it when it's there or else you'll be frustrating yourself all the time.
00:09:51
Speaker
Okay, so I have an analogy I'd like to share. I call it the pie plate analogy. And this is how I've helped myself make sure that that number one priority is supporting everything else. So if you think about your life as a pie, you have a bunch of different slices, right? And some are bigger than others. And let's say one is schooling with your kids, one is friend time, one is exercise, one is your own education, et cetera. It's just everything that fills up your life. But we have to remember that the pie has to,
00:10:20
Speaker
be in something, right? There has to be a plate underneath it or else the pie falls apart, right? And so for me, I've decided that that pie plate is God. That's my spiritual beliefs. That holds everything together. And if anything is, if I'm having problems in any area, I go back to that to figure out how to solve it.
00:10:39
Speaker
For someone else, their pie plate might be their family, where everything is focused on that. And so they choose to make decisions in every other area of their life in regards to how it affects their family. So I just like, I love visuals because it helps me understand topics. And so that's why I'm sharing that because I think it helps us understand that, okay, what's supporting every aspect of our life? Is that in order? Yeah, that's a fun one, pie plate. So yeah, so how do you get,
00:11:10
Speaker
How do you figure out what is your foundation or what is your pie plate? So we have a few tips on how to figure out what, what's your foundation. So spend some time tracking what you do in a day and spend some time thinking about what matters, prayer, meditation. What do you focus on when you're in a survival time or catastrophe hits? Like, like how do you figure out what really matters then?
00:11:35
Speaker
suddenly you can figure out what your priorities are. So you can make an actual list of what matters to you and put everything down that matters and then start numbering it. You have to put something as number one. So you're going to put these things in order and then just go through and number your list from one to X or
00:11:54
Speaker
how many X being, how many other things are on your list. So number one for me is this. Number two is this. And go through, after you make your list of what matters, go through and put an actual number by each of those. And just as a fun exercise, it doesn't mean it's written in blood and sealed forever. Just do it. And if you look at it when you're done and you say, oh, no, hang on, that's not right. Start over again. List what matters.
00:12:20
Speaker
number it, one to 10, one to 11, whatever, how many other things you have. And that is a fun exercise in helping you figure out what is the foundation and where do you go from there. Right. And I would share that we need to caution putting as our number one priority, the thing that takes up the most time because life has a funny way of
00:12:42
Speaker
sneaking in and taking up our time with things that are not essential, right? So we could spend all our time on our kids' education, right? Either as homeschoolers or running our kids back and forth from school and helping with homework and packing lunches, et cetera. But I don't think kids' education is anyone's number one, right? It's important for sure. But that's probably not the thing that you're going to do no matter what, even if you're dying of cancer, right?
00:13:06
Speaker
So it's important to realize that sometimes the most essential thing in our life is often something that's relegated to the back of our lives because other urgent things push it out of the way, even though it's the most essential. So sometimes this takes a little bit of thought and meditation, like you said, some prayer to figure out exactly what number one and number two need to be.
00:13:27
Speaker
Yeah, right. We spend an awful lot of time changing diapers, but I wouldn't say that's our number one priority. Also feeding children. But if I could hire that out, I'd do it in a heartbeat. So there's that.
00:13:41
Speaker
Okay, so now that we've established kind of our why in life, we need to take a look at our lives and decide if where we're spending our time and energy aligns with those priorities,
Aligning Time with Top Priorities
00:13:53
Speaker
right? Like exactly what we've just been saying, we could be spending tons and tons of time on a priority that turns out it's only number five on the list. And sometimes that's just life, right? You might not love your work.
00:14:05
Speaker
but you have to do it to put food on the table. So you're going to spend a lot of time doing it because it's a requirement to survive, and we get that. You can't always give the most time and energy to the thing that's the most important to you. But if it's number one on your list, at least some time should be dedicated to it every single day, right?
00:14:24
Speaker
Yeah, that's right. So if your family is your why, how much actual time do you spend with them? If God is your number one priority, how often do you worship, et cetera? How, how much time do you give to the thing that you want to be your number one priority? So you can actually get apps that track your time on what you do and you can get other apps that limit track or limit your screen time. If you,
00:14:51
Speaker
want that to be your number one priority. I'm not sure anybody wants that to be their number one priority. And you can set timers to say, okay, this isn't my number one priority, but there's something that has to be done, so I'm going to dedicate 30 minutes an hour, whatever to it. And then I'm going to focus more on something that matters more if it's something that you just cannot
00:15:16
Speaker
turn away from or turn down or, you know, one of those things that has to be done. So, um, there are ways to lessen the time that you spend. Well, first of all, I think you would have to track it, um, to get some data points. Like, am I really spending as much time as I want to be spending on things that are my biggest priority? And how much time do I spend on things that are not my biggest priority? And if so you do your tracking and you see that, well, it's okay. That's a reasonable, well, good, go with it. But if you are concerned that you are not spending as much time,
00:15:46
Speaker
and what you want to be prioritizing, which is perhaps why you're listening to this episode, then look into something that helps you take data and track your time and see what you are actually using your time for.
00:16:00
Speaker
Right, yeah, I love that. So a quick note about overlapping priorities, okay? So we talk about these priorities as if they're completely separate things, but let's be honest, everything overlaps in life, right? You can't care for your family without also giving glory to God, right? You can't worship without also being a good example for your family. You can't, you know, bring work and bring home money to your family without caring for your family, right? So it's all interlocked. The important thing to remember is
00:16:28
Speaker
is where most of our time and energy going dedicated to some part of those top one or two or three priorities, if that makes sense, right? Am I working just to get a super nice car? Or am I working to support my family and to give back to the community, right? Is everything I'm doing in every aspect reflecting back to that number one priority? Does that make sense? Yeah, it does make sense. Yeah.
00:16:54
Speaker
So what if you track your time and you get all your data and you look at it and it doesn't reflect your priorities? How do you realign? How do you realign? So one thing is that you can just take one day, just plan that you're going to have one day dedicated only to the thing that matters most, or maybe to something that you've been wanting to be a high priority on your list and you haven't had any time for. So as much as possible, take one day and just dedicate it to that thing.
00:17:23
Speaker
kind of like to do, you know, push the reset button and to get it back in focus. Like sometimes when we spend time on something, then we are more committed to it because we have invested our time in it and we want it to be successful then. So if we say, oh, you know, this is really important to me, this is a high priority, but we never spend any time on it. We're not investing our time.
00:17:46
Speaker
on what we say we want to be important to us. Or so you let's say you can't dedicate a whole day. How about one hour per day? There is something called a hundred days project where you spend one hour a day for a hundred days on something. And that's kind of a fun project to do and track. I did that when I was designing my first sewing pattern because I really just didn't have time.
00:18:10
Speaker
to fit it in my life, designing a sewing pattern and getting it all ready for sale and starting at the beginning learning how to design a sewing pattern. So I did a hundred days project where for one hour every day for a hundred days, I only did learning something that was related to designing and publishing a sewing pattern. And so I got it done because I dedicated one hour a day for a hundred days on it. And I've seen people do that for learning to paint or doesn't our
00:18:40
Speaker
guest Melissa. Melissa Esplan. I guess we can link her episode in the show notes. Didn't she do that for calligraphy? She was drawing a hundred flowers, wasn't she? That was really beautiful on her Instagram. Yeah.
00:18:55
Speaker
So, or whatever works for you. You know, one week of the year, maybe you take a vacation. I think Miranda Anderson, another guest of ours of Live Free Creative, talked about her camps, her creative camps that she offers. And they take one weekend a year and they go.
00:19:12
Speaker
to a designated spot and that's all they do is focus on whatever their project is for the whole weekend. And so there's ways that you can kind of push the reset button in your life and get these priorities that personally you have decided is the thing that you want to prioritize to get it back up at the top of the list where you want it to be.
00:19:34
Speaker
Yeah, you know, a couple things about that. When you said the one day, I thought, Oh, wouldn't that be nice to have a day dedicated to it? And then I thought, well, actually, we try to do that because we worship on Sunday. And so that's the day that we don't shop and we don't hang out with people outside of our family. Generally, we don't, you know, kind of seek our own entertainment. It's all about worship that day. And that has been life changing for me, honestly. And sometimes it's in some phases, it's really difficult. I think, Oh my gosh, if I could just have a couple hours,
00:20:03
Speaker
One more day this week to get this project done or something. But when I Set that aside for my spiritual development It's it's this awesome reset for the next week and I'm that much more productive the next week I don't know how it works, but it totally works. That's how it works brother. Yeah. Yeah, I also set aside Sunday for my for my spiritual
00:20:27
Speaker
edification. And I have done something just out of necessity. I have this personal social media ban on Sundays so that I don't get distracted or set aside. And you know what I've found? I've been doing this, you know, maybe this was a New Year's resolution for me because I've been doing it for a couple months now. But the thing that I have found is
00:20:47
Speaker
I really don't miss that much on Sunday. You get on Monday on social media and it's all there. You go back and look at it. Maybe you missed a story that somebody did or something, but if it was super important, they saved it to their highlight. I'm not missing that much by dedicating this time and this day of the week to my spiritual edification.
00:21:09
Speaker
Yeah, I love that you do that and I've tried that for phases as well and I really like it when I'm doing it. I need to go back to that because it's just distraction for me on an important day of peace, you know?
00:21:19
Speaker
I actually saw somebody post on social media that it was their goal not to be on social media on Sundays or whatever their day was for a month. And they say, if you see me on social media on this day of the week for the next month or the next year, whatever their goal was, slap that thing out of my hand or call me on it, post. If I post on this day, call me on it, say, hey, you said you weren't gonna... Just some accountability there.
00:21:46
Speaker
I love that. Yeah, keep me accountable. Whatever our goals are, I think we should ask for accountability because that's a little bit, it's hard to do on our own for sure. This is a big distraction. The other thing I was going to say about this realigning phase is it can be difficult to do with all the noise of life. Those of us who are moms, it's hard to get a second
00:22:05
Speaker
moments of peace, you know. And so
Realigning and Reflecting on Priorities
00:22:08
Speaker
one thing that I've done before is a little retreat like that. I did a little retreat with some homeschool moms a while ago. And what was nice was just a day or two of silence. And I was able to journal and read some scripture and decide what in my life needed to go and what needed to stay. And I just think, man, I should be doing this like once a quarter or at least once a year to just realign everything. And I just wanted to share that that sometimes it takes a minute of stepping away from the chaos of your daily life.
00:22:34
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It is helpful to be able to do that every once in a while. Okay. So, so far in this episode, we have talked about the personal aspect of prioritizing what matters. So now we're going to talk about the interpersonal. So what happens when those around us don't share the same priorities or do, but do them a little bit differently and how to deal with that. Um, so I was going to share that when I try to shift my thinking and realign my priorities, make my actions align better with them,
00:23:02
Speaker
I try to share these shifts with my family because if I don't, all of a sudden I just get frustrated that all of a sudden nobody's letting me spend an hour in my room worshiping. Well, that's silly. I have to tell them, hey, this is my new goal. Would you guys help me out? What could you be doing quietly during this time? Or how could we all help each other reach this new goal that we have?
00:23:23
Speaker
Um, let's say that you're cleaning the house for hours at a time every day. Don't just stop cleaning because that's not one of your priorities. You might have to sit down with the kids and say, what kind of system can we come up with? So our house looks decent, but mom is not a slave, right? Cause I have things that I need to focus on. Just share with them what you want to include that matters in your day and that you need help from them. And sometimes it's surprising how much, how helpful they can be.
00:23:47
Speaker
Yeah, I'm especially bad at that, setting some little goal or something and not sharing it with people around me and then being frustrated when they're not helping me get my goal. Sometimes people outside our sphere of influence, in-laws, neighbors, friends, they don't understand why we do what we do or why we prioritize what we prioritize.
00:24:12
Speaker
And so then they put demands on us that interfere with, well, basically our time, but sometimes our priorities too. And so how do we overcome this? How do we address people whose priorities don't align with ours? All right, so I think the first thing we need to do is decide how much the input of these people matters to us.
Handling External Opinions and Boundaries
00:24:43
Speaker
If we're settled on what we believe, how much are we gonna let other people persuade us from that? So maybe this is really some more introspection on how can I get more committed to my priorities in such a way that what people who aren't really affecting my life think of my priorities has an effect on me. I'm making this sound way more confusing than it is.
00:25:11
Speaker
No, I get what you're saying. And I think that's essential because we've had a lot of questions lately about how do I defend my choices or how do I keep my boundaries with my family, with friends and in-laws and everybody around trying to be a part of us, part of our family. And I love what you said that
00:25:28
Speaker
first decide how much their opinion actually matters to you. It could matter a lot. It could matter very little. It could matter a lot, but you're not willing to change how you're living, even if their opinion doesn't align with that, right?
00:25:44
Speaker
Like, I love my aunts. They're wonderful people. But if one of my aunts came to me and said, I think homeschooling is the wrong choice for your kids, I'd say, thank you so much for telling me your opinion. Respectfully disagree, right? Because just because I love her and respect her opinion doesn't mean I'm going to do what she says. We're all adults. We have the choice to do that. But that's really difficult when it's somebody like your mother or your mother-in-law or a sister you really look up to.
00:26:09
Speaker
So that's totally essential. I love that you said that. And then sometimes even the people within our immediate family, like specifically spouses who we're trying to work together with in parenting have priorities that are different from ours. And this is usually something you want to address like, you know, before you get married or those first couple of years, but sometimes there's just no seeing eye to eye and that's okay. Some people, you know, many people can have very, very happy, wonderful marriages, even with vastly different, uh, priorities. However,
00:26:38
Speaker
It takes work, right? One thing that I've done with my husband when we don't see eye to eye on something that's very essential to one or both of us is we'll say, okay, I can totally see where you're coming from, but I'm going to do it like this. Can you respect that? Right? And sometimes we do it begrudgingly. Sometimes we do it a little bit more lovingly, but that's just marriage. That's just something you have to
00:27:01
Speaker
to get behind. I feel like as we get older and have adult kids who then have their own kids and spouses, we're going to see a lot more of that as well because we're going to see our kids and think, why are they doing it like that? That's not the right way to do it. I'm sure just like my parents are seeing with me. Anyway, that's just an added complexity to the situation. Sure. Also, there are some things that you can't agree to disagree on. For example, let's just take homeschooling since we've been using that one.
00:27:30
Speaker
If one spouse wants to homeschool and the other spouse is prioritizing public school, that isn't something that you can say we're just going to agree to disagree on.
00:27:41
Speaker
something has to be done. So what I'm thinking about is compromise and how to be gracious and how to compromise and when to compromise and where to compromise because it would be wrong for us in a relationship or in a marriage to set a priority that is at odds with a priority of our spouses because then
00:28:04
Speaker
Like maybe we need to look at our relationship then or, or, you know, our, ourself and see why am I so at odds with my spouse that if you're running into a situation like that, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I think sometimes, um, so then you look at, you know, your priority, is this more important than my relationship with my spouse or my child or whatever their priority that is at odds with yours. So I guess we're just saying, put it on the list again. And if your relationship.
00:28:33
Speaker
is and probably should be higher priority than whatever the thing is that you're disagreeing on with your spouse or your child or whatever, then compromise. It's time to work together toward a solution and a compromise. Yeah, yeah, that's an excellent point. Okay, so let's move on to some concrete steps for how to stand your ground if other people's opinions are conflicting with what your priorities are, right? So the number one has to be communication.
00:29:00
Speaker
we can respectfully explain that we've decided our time needs to be spent doing X, Y, and Z. So I've realized that I have not done this as much as I should. Like, for example, I shared my top three priorities right now at this phase in my life. Friends are not on there. And it's not because I don't love my friends so much and love spending time with them, but I just don't have the time for weekly lunch dates or even for monthly
00:29:26
Speaker
four-hour chat sessions or whatever. I squeeze them in when I can because they are important to me. But I've realized that I haven't really communicated that with a lot of my friends. So when somebody asks if we can go hang out, I need to be better at saying, I would love to, but right now is my phase of growing my business. So I'm spending every evening doing that right now. Simultaneously, because they are still on the list, I have to make room for them somewhere, right? I can't just like
00:29:51
Speaker
ship them off my list totally, right? I have to make some compromises and say, okay, well, once every other month, I can plan a girls' night, and that's what I'm gonna do to make sure that I maintain those relationships.
00:30:03
Speaker
Yeah, those are so good. So number two is N-O, say no to opportunities that don't align with your priorities. Without excuse, without explanation, be pleasant, but don't leave any room for doubt. Don't leave wiggle room in there. No means no. And I recently listened to the Untrue Yes, a podcast episode by Live Free Creative Company. And it was really,
00:30:35
Speaker
good episode on when we say yes but we don't really mean it and that one thing that came out of that for me was like when okay so for example your kid says can I have a piece of candy and you say
00:30:50
Speaker
Okay, so your kid asks for a piece of candy and you say, okay, yes, I guess so. But then the whole time they're eating that piece of candy, you're bugging them about how bad it is for their teeth and how sugar is not, you know, blah, blah, blah. Well, you said yes, but you didn't really mean it. And then the part that really resonated with me.
00:31:06
Speaker
was she said, only say yes when you can put your whole self into that yes. And so they say, can I have some cotton candy? And you say, yes. And then as they're enjoying it, you're enjoying it with them. And you say, isn't this fun? Isn't this nice? We don't do it very often. But look, we're at the fair. This is a special occasion. And we are really enjoying this cotton candy or whatever it is so that when you say yes, you can put your whole self into that yes. And when you say no, it's no.
00:31:33
Speaker
Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Okay. I love that. And this is something I've struggled with for a long time. So the first thing I wanted to share is I've seen in many business circles, if you're having a hard time prioritizing, they say, if the answer is not
00:31:49
Speaker
heck yes, then it's a no. It's not, uh, maybe at some point that sounds good. No, if it's not, yes, that sounds amazing because we're all busy and we all have a lot on our plates. If we want to have our lives be focused on those priorities that are the most important to us, we have to say no to anything that does not fire us up. Right. Exactly. And same thing as a mom. Yeah. Just in every aspect of life. And I find myself saying yes, begrudgingly like 99% of the time.
00:32:18
Speaker
For some reason, 99% of what my kids do bothers me. I don't know what my problem is, but I really need to focus on that. That if I am really having hesitations to just say no and stand firm, even if it makes them unhappy, but to look for reasons to say yes, right? And to say so with gumption, right? The other thing I wanted to share is if you're having a hard time saying no without excuses, because this is really difficult for me. I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to love me and be happy with me.
00:32:45
Speaker
I have a really hard time just saying no. No is like a really harsh swear word to me. It's not really people, but it is to me. The thing that I try to say is, I'm sorry that's not going to work for me. You said without excuses, so maybe the sorry I should cut out there because that's kind of an excuse, but I want to empathize that I would love to help you, but I cannot.
00:33:09
Speaker
end of story, right? Instead of no, because blah, blah, blah, I don't need to offer a reason. I don't need to offer explanation. I just need to say no, but I can say it in a kind way and saying that doesn't work for me. What is kind of a kind way that I've used to soften that no, that hurts my feelings.
00:33:27
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, I know. And I think part of what's, you know, without excuse is to say, oh, well, you know, my kids are sick. And so, you know, I can't do that right now. Because then there's the loophole of, oh, well, when your kids are well, then you can come do that. But if it's no, then it's just no.
00:33:48
Speaker
right? And do not feel bad if that is not something you're comfortable with. You are totally within your rights to say that. And again, so let's move on to number three, and this brings us back to the example I was sharing with my friends, right? If you feel
00:34:01
Speaker
that that relationship is very important and that saying no might damage it, feel free to offer a substitute if that still aligns with your priorities, right? So I can't come over this Friday because I committed to my family, it would be our family time, but I'd love to have lunch next month if that's crucial to you. But again, beware if it's not, if that relationship is not one of those top priorities, don't add that in just to soften the blow if you don't really want to, right?
00:34:29
Speaker
Don't feel pressured to do it if it doesn't fit your plan, but you can do that if you need to fix the relationship, if that makes sense. Right. Yeah, right. So number four is stand your ground. Nobody knows your priorities and your life and your family and your pressures and everything that you have going on like you do. So make your decision ahead of time when you've got your priorities internally figured out. And don't give in to others' demands on your time or against your priorities or whatever they are.
00:35:00
Speaker
like we said before, no means no, and that's just it. I feel like part of this is self-care, that when you compromise all the time, like you've decided your priorities and your time and your no's and your yes's and what you're gonna spend all that on, and then when you compromise that constantly, I feel like that's just the opposite of self-care. Yes, yes, totally. Okay, so those are our four tips for
00:35:29
Speaker
standing your ground if somebody else's priorities tend to constantly interfere with your own, but we just wanted to add that you can make readjustments whenever necessary,
Maintaining Priorities Post-Pandemic
00:35:38
Speaker
right? So like we mentioned the phases of life, these cycles of life allow for this. I've noticed that at the beginning of the school year there needs to be an adjustment, at the end of the school year an adjustment,
00:35:49
Speaker
In any big life event like when we go through a survival time. We have a new baby or we move adjustments Spring cleaning time or before and after the holidays any Any time when you're feeling out of your rut. I'm sorry anytime you're feeling out of alignment with those priorities you can readjust and and doing that kind of quarterly really helps you stay focused and
00:36:14
Speaker
Right. And if you have them written down, like we suggested earlier, then you can go back and look at that and say, are they, is this still what, how my priority list goes? Okay. So we were going to each share a personal example of shifting our actions to reflect what our true priorities are. And I think we've kind of been doing that through this whole episode. But one thing that came to mind for me was a time when, um, I had a friend who was in
00:36:39
Speaker
need. And I threw everything else aside to help that friend because it aligned with my priorities to help that friend's religious foundation get back in place and that friend's family and those things aligned with my priorities. And I wanted my friend to be able to have priorities like that too. So sometimes that it is okay to help others get their
00:37:08
Speaker
Like set aside yourself. I knew this was just a temporary situation and I set everything aside and helped.
00:37:14
Speaker
Yeah, I love that you brought that up because we need to remember that things look very different in survival times. And it sounds like the situation you're explaining was a survival time for your friend. Yeah. And you felt that it was within your power and responsibility to step in and help her figure that out. And I've had some recent scenarios like that as well in my own life where people I've loved have been in crisis and I've needed to step in and kind of throw away most of my other priorities for a long time because this person was in crisis and needed help.
00:37:44
Speaker
and that is totally okay. It doesn't mean that you need to dedicate your entire life to that person forever or for whatever the scenario is, but just be aware that crises look very differently from this. However, like you said, they tend to still align with your priorities of God and family, right? Sometimes it's helping your fellow man because you believe that as a Christian. Sometimes it's helping another extended family member because you also believe that as a Christian and their family, et cetera.
00:38:10
Speaker
But just be aware that that is totally okay if that is something you feel comfortable with and that that's what needs to happen in that crisis moment.
00:38:19
Speaker
So we hope this episode made sense to you guys. It's kind of a long one, but we just really felt like it was essential for us, especially as this COVID-19 crisis comes to an end, hopefully sometime this year. And we're kind of easing back into real life that we can still prioritize these things that matter. So we're going to share in the show notes the resources we talked about, including our episode on intentional parenting and survival times.
00:38:43
Speaker
that Live Free Creative podcast episode Audrey was talking about, and then also a book on boundaries that I'm reading and is really, really applicable to setting boundaries with other people regarding your priorities. So we hope you love this episode, you guys, and we'll talk to you next week. Yeah, go forth and set your priorities. Thanks so much for tuning in. Did you know you can help the podcast in several ways? First up, we're on Patreon, and there are three different levels to support us there.
00:39:11
Speaker
Just head to patreon.com slash outnumbered. Next step, if you enjoyed this episode, please leave us a written review on iTunes. It helps other parents find the podcast and receive the help you're enjoying. And finally, you can follow us on Instagram at outnumbered the podcast. We're always having fun over there too. As usual, if you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at outnumbered the podcast at gmail.com. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.