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Who? Parents via Egg Donation, Amy and Tim
196 Plays6 months ago
It is almost Mother's Day which can be a time of big celebration but also a hard day for many. To celebrate wherever you find yourself during this time we want to share some stories of hope and one of them is that of sweet mama Amy and dad Tim. In their pursuit of starting a family later in life, they encountered hurdles such as a miscarriage, and unsuccessful IVF. However, their determination never wavered. Turning to egg donation became their next step, leading them to a remarkable experience that they love to share. With the support of Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions, they found their perfect donor, opting for a known connection. Despite facing challenges along the way even after they found their donor, they persevered, ultimately achieving success in their journey to becoming parents. In sharing their story, Amy and Tim highlight the dedication of their egg donor, the invaluable support from their coordinator, and the significance of maintaining a connection with their donor throughout the process. Their narrative offers insights and advice for others embarking on their fertility journey, underscoring the importance of embracing diverse paths to parenthood. As they reflect on the joys of parenting and the milestones they've celebrated with their daughter, they also offer glimpses into their post-delivery moments and the daily sources of fulfillment that now enrich their lives.
Take aways
- Navigating the decision and choosing an egg donor
- Importance of a Known Donor
- Tim's Perspective
- Importance of Openness and Support
- Overcoming Challenges and Dedication and Determination
- Support from the Coordinator
- Advice for Day One Amy and Tim
- The Journey to Motherhood
- Celebrating Milestones
Links
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Amy and Tim's Journey
00:00:00
Speaker
Mother's Day is just around the corner. And on today's episode, we get to hear from Amy and Tim about their beautiful journey to parenthood. After many hurdles, including miscarriage and unsuccessful IVF, they decided that egg donation would be how they would grow their family. Their story was not simple and had many ups and downs, but throughout they continued to lean on each other, their support system,
00:00:30
Speaker
and persevered and are now the proud parents of sweet little Esther. This was such a beautiful discussion and I am so grateful that Amy and Tim continue to share their story of hope. So happy almost Mother's Day to Amy
00:00:49
Speaker
and to all you amazing mamas to be, mamas that will be, and mamas that are. However you have the title of mama, it is a joy and privilege to celebrate you. So please enjoy Amy and Tim.
00:01:07
Speaker
Me, you, and who?
Exploring Surrogacy and Egg Donation
00:01:09
Speaker
Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby? In a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic, this podcast will take you through all the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways. My name is Whitney Hall, and I am a two-time surrogate now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions, the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families.
00:01:36
Speaker
With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
Deciding on Egg Donation
00:01:57
Speaker
Hi, Amy. Good. Oh my gosh. I am so glad you were here. And I know Tim is going to be joining us in just a little bit. But thank you so much for being a part of this and sharing your story. I'm just so excited. I'm excited to share our story.
00:02:17
Speaker
You like to share it? Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Yes. Okay. So you and Tim are parents via egg donation. What, I know there's for many, it's a long journey before we even get to here. What led you to growing your family in this way? Well, Tim and I met later in life.
00:02:42
Speaker
which is, you know, most of, you know, I think a lot of egg donor stories, it starts that way, we're couples. I think we were dating for like maybe six months and we decided, you know, we both were very serious about wanting to start family. So we're like, okay, we'll pull the birth control. I'll kind of see what happens. And I think maybe six months later, I got pregnant that resulted in a miscarriage. And we had already reached out to an infertility clinic.
00:03:10
Speaker
before we found out I was pregnant because we knew that it was going to be an issue and we just wanted to get that all rolling. And then we found out we were pregnant, so we were like, yay, oh my gosh, I can't believe we did this on our own. Maybe we don't have to do IVF and all this stuff. And that ended in a miscarriage. So we moved forward with consulting with the infertility clinic and going forward with that.
Choosing the Perfect Egg Donor
00:03:30
Speaker
And then we ultimately did three rounds of IVF. None of them, they all produced non-viable embryos. And so we moved forward with a donation.
00:03:41
Speaker
Wow. So I mean, again, just whole journeys just on both of y'all before you even get to each other. And then it's like, okay, now we want to grow our family. And then you have just all of those roller coasters and emotions. So what I mean, as you're going through all of that, you make it sound so simple. How did you know, you know, just as you're navigating that, how did you know that you were ready?
00:04:09
Speaker
to move forward in this way instead of that one more round of IVF for just all of the things that you can do? I think I was ready before my husband was ready. After the second round of IVF, I started looking for donors. Oh my gosh, look at you. And I found the donor that I liked. I found our donor. I watched her video and I crawled into bed one day and I was like, Tim, I found our donor. And he's like, but wait a minute. I thought we were going to do another round.
00:04:39
Speaker
I kind of knew it wasn't going to work and I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But if we need to go the egg donor route, I've got her. I feel good about this because I just need it planned out. I needed to know that it was going to be okay. And so I actually reached out to egg donor solutions and said, hey, is this girl available?
Openly Sharing Their Journey
00:04:57
Speaker
Is she willing to travel? And they reached out to her and she said, yes.
00:05:01
Speaker
But my husband really wants to try another round of IVF. And if that doesn't work, we're going to move forward. And so she said, OK, well, be in touch. And so then I reached out after the third round, felt like that day I called back. And I was like, oh my gosh, she's still available. And the coordinator was like, well, someone actually just reached out about her. And I was like, I like instantly was like panic mode, wanted to cry. And she goes, but they didn't put a hold on her. And I was like, put a hold on her, put a hold on her.
00:05:33
Speaker
So we snatched her and we got her. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Okay. So you're like, wow. So many things to unpack here because like, it seems like you're, you were just like, we're, we're just ready to grow our family. And you weren't even like, I mean, how did you even navigate? Like, how did you even know to like go to an egg donor website? Like, how did you even navigate all of that?
00:06:00
Speaker
Well, um, basically through the infertility clinic, we had, I kind of knew in the very back of our heads, especially after the first round of IVF didn't work that maybe we might have to move forward with, um, an egg donor. And of course, like many women, I was not ready. I didn't want to do that yet. Um, but then after the second round, I was like, yeah, this isn't going to work. I'm very realistic. We're both nurses. We both kind of know how things roll. Like.
00:06:29
Speaker
So after the second round, I was pretty like, okay, if I want to be a mother, I need to accept this. So I did my morning, I'm not going to have a child with my own eggs and then just moved on. I was like, I want to be a mom and this is how it's going to happen and I'm okay with that. Yeah, absolutely. I was excited and I think it's a hard thing to navigate to be morning and be excited at the same time.
00:06:52
Speaker
But I think it also kind of balances, it kind of helps your morning process because it wasn't the end. It was like a beginning. Oh, I love that. That's beautiful. Yeah. It wasn't a complete failure that I couldn't have kids with my own eggs. It was just a step. And the next step was to move forward with egg donation. And so that's what we did. And actually in the pro, after we picked our egg donor,
00:07:15
Speaker
and naturally got pregnant again, and we miscarried. And that kind of just confirmed that, yes, we're making the right decision. Like after three rounds of IVF, two miscarriages, this just isn't going to happen for us. And so it kind of, in a way, was a blessing to be like, yeah, we're totally making the right decision. Let's move forward. And Tim and I even had the conversation
00:07:35
Speaker
well if this pregnancy is a success do we want to still move forward and Tim was adamant but yes we're moving forward with this because regardless what happens we want to have more than one kid and we're probably going to have to use an egg donor for you know a second child if this continues to be you know a problem you're going to be older so even with that pregnancy we were still going to move forward with our egg donor.
The Importance of a Known Donor
00:07:54
Speaker
Oh my gosh, that's beautiful. I mean, you're so right though, because so many, I mean, it is that strange juxtaposition, how you can just feel all of those feelings all at once, that morning, that sadness, that, but then that hope and that excitement, because you know, you've just had all of those
00:08:13
Speaker
moments of hope and then they're taken away and moments of hope and now you have this to look forward to. Oh my gosh, that's beautiful. So I know Tim is joining us in a second, but how did, I know you said at first he was very hesitant and then all of a sudden he's like, no, we're moving forward either way. What was that process like for the two of you as you guys were discerning all of that?
00:08:35
Speaker
After the third round of IVF didn't work, I distinctly remember we were sitting on the couch having this conversation and he was like, well, we can do another fourth round. And I was like, babe, like, how bad do you really want this?
00:08:47
Speaker
Like I just don't think this is going to happen. Like how bad do you really want this? And he said, well, I just really wanted my baby to be half of the love of my life. And then that's when I realized that I was the lucky one. And my kid gets to be the half, you know, half of Tim and I get to carry her and grow her and feed her and do all the mom things, you know, but Tim still is totally involved because Esther is half of him.
00:09:12
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. That's beautiful. Oh my gosh. I love that. I love that so much. So you've now decided, all right, we're moving forward. We found our perfect donor, you know, whatever that looks like, you know, to you. So you're navigating that huge, just, you know, database. Hi Tim. Yeah. So you're navigating that huge database. What was it for you? I know so many people.
00:09:43
Speaker
When they start, first of all, it can feel so overwhelming, right? Like you've just, you know, you've been met with all of these decisions that you have to make as you're even going down the infertility journey and roller coaster. I like to call it. And now all of a sudden we're opening the door to basically more decisions, right? We've just decided to do donate egg donation. And now you literally have, I mean, just our database alone is 450 plus
00:10:06
Speaker
egg donor options. What was that like as you guys are navigating that? And how did you know? I mean, you said you were like, Oh no, I found her. Like I was in bed and I showed Tim and that was it. And like, you know, what was that? How did you do that? Um, well, we've got, we've got three, I think we got three, um, agencies from our clinic. And so I kind of like did a lot of research, um, between the clinics. And I actually really liked egg donor solutions because I was looking at the, um,
00:10:37
Speaker
the agency's like I was a donor. And so I was like, if I was a donor, which agency would I want to pick? And agency is obviously the choice because I wanted to make sure that whoever was giving us this incredible gift was going to be treated fairly and right and have the education and be guided properly and not just feel like she was a number and we're just taking her eggs
Advice and Reflections on Parenthood
00:11:01
Speaker
and moving on.
00:11:03
Speaker
When I was doing the research and looking at the different websites and stuff, Egg Donor Solutions had this whole section just for donors and podcasts and little webinars and stuff on YouTube on this is the process and this is what to expect and medicine and all these different things. I just felt like, in my heart, Egg Donor Solutions was the right agency to go to because I felt like they were going to treat the donor the best with whoever we should have.
00:11:32
Speaker
We did look at the other agencies just to kind of see what they had. And we just kept coming back to our donor through a donor solutions. And so I even, cause it, it is kind of like a dating site, you know, you go through profile and you look at all these women and you kind of, you know, so I would like be like, okay, these are like the top six or seven or whatever I'd like. And I'd show Tim, he'd be like, I don't care how you just pick whoever you want, you know?
00:12:02
Speaker
don't want this to be like our decision. And so you'd kind of I'd be like, okay, then I'd narrow it down even more. Okay, well, here's three, like, which one you know, and then you know, he and of course, he chose our donor. But I went even further and like with my friends and even my co workers at work, I'd be like, Hey, these are my top five. Like, what do you mean? And they all chose our donor. Oh, my God.
00:12:26
Speaker
more confirmation that yeah, she's, she's meant to be our donor. And I think the big thing with my decision is that she had like a little video blog, a little short video on as part of her profile. And I just fell in love with her. Like we're, we're both nurses, our careers kind of align, like animals, crafts. There's a lot of things that we kind of had very similar
00:12:50
Speaker
I wanted someone who was kind of sort of my height, had light hair, light eyes. I wanted someone that looked similar to me. She just kind of checked all the boxes and so we went with it.
00:13:02
Speaker
Hmm, I love that. I love that. So Tim, as you were navigating that, I mean, I know, like, Amy had shared you were a little resistant at first, and then you were, you know, like, I don't know, you pick whoever, you know, whatever. And then all of a sudden, it was like, Oh, no, no, no, we're going forward, no matter what, like, this is how we're gonna do it. Well, how was that change for you? What? What was that light? I don't know. I think a lot of us just the end result is having a baby together. Like, I didn't really
00:13:32
Speaker
I mean, I was particular about who the donor was going to be, but not to the extreme that Amy was probably because it's going to be happening anyways. So I know it was important to her to find someone that was similar to her in a lot of ways. And so that's what I'd go through and look through their profiles at and see, try to find similarities and differences and try
The Joy of Parenting Esther
00:13:53
Speaker
to narrow it down that way. But yeah, she said it was like going through a dating site.
00:14:01
Speaker
felt like to me. When we were having that conversation when he said you know I just wanted my baby to be half of the love of my life then he said and we just want to start a family and have a baby and no matter how we come about having a child or getting a baby like you're gonna be their mom whether it's adoption or foster like egg donation you know he's like that's all that really matters is that we're gonna be able to start a family and
00:14:30
Speaker
Oh, I love that. I love that. That's so beautiful. So I know for you, one of the things that was really important was to do what's called a known donor cycle. So meaning you know the name of who it is that is your donor. Why was that so important to you? It was important to me because I wanted to
00:14:50
Speaker
give that to my children. I did not want to take that away from Esther or any future children. I want them to be able to have the right and the ability to know where their DNA comes from or who their donor is. And so that was important to me. If, you know, Esther, it's, you know, 10 years old or something says, Hey, who's my donor starts asking lots of questions and wants to see pictures or talk to her on the phone or wherever. I wanted to be able to give that to her.
00:15:16
Speaker
And that was what was really important to me. And I also feel like having a known donor makes it a lot more personable. And I think having a known donor made this whole process a hundred times easier because we had an incredible donor. She was supportive the whole way, you know, sending me a text on the day of my transfer, like, good luck. I'm so happy for you. And you're going to be a great mom. And I was so nervous that morning. And then when I received that text, I was like, you know what? Everything's going to be fine.
00:15:43
Speaker
And I think that having a known donor made it so much more personable and more warm and fuzzy. And she said also after her retrieval, she sent me this nice card with a rainbow on it and this little bracelet that said hope on it. And I wore that every day until we delivered Esther. And it's so ironic because the day that we were leaving the hospital, I was taking a shower and I went to take it off and it broke.
00:16:10
Speaker
And all the beads went everywhere and I was like, Oh my God, you'll never believe what just happened. It's like a sign. It's like, you don't need this bracelet anymore. We don't need hope anymore. Like we have our child, we have Esther. And so, you know, it's just those little things that having a known donor that makes, you know, makes it more personable. It just made it feel more right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. Well, and like you said, it takes out that
00:16:36
Speaker
you're just a number. And, you know, and I love that you were conscientious of, you know, just this, this is Esther story. This is, you know, part, part of her story. And, you know, like Tim said, and like you said, this doesn't take away from you being mom, it's just part of, you know, how your family grew. That's beautiful. So what I want to go back just a little bit. You had mentioned, you know, you're,
00:17:05
Speaker
you're talking to your coworkers and you were talking to your friends and, you know, just all of that. How has that been navigating this road with those, that support system and, you know, explaining this to, you know, those people around you? Well, I think it makes it, it made it really easy because we were open straight from the get-go. So everyone knew we were having utility issues. I was miscarrying. We were looking for an egg donor. So we didn't have to explain a whole lot because
00:17:33
Speaker
all of our close friends and even all of Tim's co-workers just knew the whole story from the beginning. So we didn't even have to explain anything. They were just along for the ride and everybody was just as invested as we were. And so the support just came with that.
00:17:50
Speaker
Some people ask me about like, how do you feel about talking about it? And I'm like, I'm really open. And somebody asked me at the grocery store, like, oh, she's got red hair. Where'd she get that from? Did she get that from you? And I'm like, well, she's actually an egg donor, but Tim's got red in his beard, you know, and I just, there's no, and they're just like, oh, okay. Like, you know, when I was pregnant with Esther, the conversation would come up a lot at work with patients, you know, oh, how far and wrong are you? And he was like, oh, we tried really hard to have her. And I would just tell them and they'd be like, that's such a neat story. And like,
00:18:18
Speaker
I just feel like there's no point in keeping it a secret because I don't want that weight on me. I don't want that weight on Tim. I don't want that on Esther. And if you're just open and honest and about it from the beginning, it doesn't make it not normal.
00:18:31
Speaker
Yeah, no, absolutely. Absolutely. Have you thought about, I mean, it sounds like you're just like, it's just part of conversation. Have you ever thought specifically about, okay, this is how we're going to explain this to Esther or what this looks like with her friends or things like that? Um, well, I mean, I started telling Esther her story when she was in the womb. And we had like a million children's books. I mean, I try and read them to her now, but her attention span is
00:19:03
Speaker
over there. You can't get through like three pages with her. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes I still even tell her, like if we're snuggling on the bed or something, I'll be like, did you know that you're so special? Because X, Y, and Z, you know, and I'll kind of tell her the story that, you know, most people need a mommy and a daddy, but we needed a mommy, a daddy, a donor, and a doctor. So you're special because it took four people to make you, you know? So I mean, as long as she gets older and I get better at telling the story, it's going to, you know, evolve and, you know, there'll be more detail.
00:19:34
Speaker
It's up to her whether she wants to tell her friends or not, but everyone in her adult life that's going to matter will know. I love that. I love that. Tim, how was it with you and your coworkers as you were going through all of this? I know you both are in the medical field, so it seems like people are maybe just a little more amenable to it.
00:19:57
Speaker
Yeah, the co-workers were all very supportive. One of my co-workers is actually going through fertility stuff around the same time that we were. They ended up conceiving naturally. And I mean, everybody was just very supportive and there for us.
00:20:11
Speaker
you know, cover shifts. I needed the time off to go to an appointment with Amy or whatever. It's just, there was no problems. I've told patients my story and the patients are always very supportive and always showing videos of us there when I see them. Oh, I love it. Yeah. I think people in general are a lot more accepting than
00:20:32
Speaker
then you give them credit for it. Like I haven't had one person say, Oh my God, how could you do that? Or like, you know, or like, I don't understand that. Or, you know, like I've only had support and like positive comments.
00:20:45
Speaker
So, I mean, I haven't run into a negative one yet. I love that. I'm pretty open. If it comes up in conversation, I just tell them. And I feel like too, I met another friend on a Facebook group who's an egg donor mom who just moved here and she's open, but she's not as open as me, just small knit family. And I've kind of, and the way I kind of explained it to her, I'm like,
00:21:09
Speaker
When I tell people my story or tell people I don't know, it's almost like freeing. It's like it's, and I was trying to explain it to her, but I'm like, it just takes the weight off. It's almost, it's like, it's, it's almost like a freedom. Like why it's, it's just so hard to explain. It's just, for me, it's just so much easier to just tell the whole story because. Rather than trying to dance around it. Then dance around it or eliminate things from the story because that's not our story.
00:21:36
Speaker
we fought hard and went through a lot to get to where we are. And this is our story. And I love telling my story and bragging about it and, you know, posting pictures and meeting people in groups and saying, Hey, you're an egg donor mom. You want to hang out? Let's do this. And, you know, and I, and she was like, yeah, I can see that. And she's like, I am. And she said, I'm going to try and be more open and see how I feel about it. You know, there's, for some reason there's women and I think people in general flick, there's a stigma to it. And,
00:22:06
Speaker
For me, the more I talk about it and the more I share my story, like that stigma just goes away. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, I know you're so open. Did you have any initial fears as you started just being open about your story and having those first conversations? No.
00:22:29
Speaker
I love that. What about you, Tim? No, I don't think so. I think if someone didn't agree with us, it's not worth my time or effort to try to change their mind. If that's their opinion, they can have it. It's not going to affect what we're doing with our family. And those people aren't in our inner circle because everybody in our inner circle, all of our friends that support us and coworkers knew the whole story from the beginning. I love that. I love that.
00:22:56
Speaker
So I know, okay, you had, you, you found your egg donor. It was beautiful at you, but it, even after you found your egg donor, you guys still had a roller coaster, a different roller coaster that you. Yeah. Talk a little bit more about that.
00:23:18
Speaker
Um, well, right before she was getting ready to fly out for her, um, transfer, she tested positive for COVID. So that was the first bump. And I'm so thankful that we put that in our like legal contract with her, that she had to get a COVID test before she traveled because we would have, I don't know if we would have been able to do it, you know, like if we would have done all the medicine and all the ultrasounds and
00:23:44
Speaker
paid for all the travel and then she was positive they would have canceled the cycle.
00:23:50
Speaker
So financially we would have been able to keep going. Sure. Well, I'm really glad that that was in there because that saved it. I mean, it broke my heart and I was very frustrated. I remember hearing, getting that call and just hanging up the phone and just like sitting on the floor and crying like, no, because I was so ready. I wanted this so bad. It was like weeks away. Like we're going to, you know, find out in just, you know, a week or two, like how many embryos we had. And I was just like so thrilled.
00:24:19
Speaker
So then that just delayed things a month and we just moved forward. I'm like, I waited this long, what's another month? And then it was getting close to retrieval time and she just kind of stopped, her follicles just stopped progressing for some reason. And so there was some talk of maybe we're going to have to cancel the cycle. And I was really upset and I was like, I can't believe this is happening, why? And I remember,
00:24:49
Speaker
uh, Callie was our coordinator. Yeah. And she was amazing. And I just remember her saying, you know, she's really upset too. Like, I think she might even said that she was in tears over it because she felt like that she was failing and that she wanted to help us so much. And, you know, and that meant a lot to me. And, um, I don't know, they were able to turn it around. Long story short, and everything worked out great.
00:25:16
Speaker
She ended up, and a poor donor ended up having to stay, I think almost a week longer than normal because it just drew out the, um, pushed back her retrieval date even longer. I think maybe it was like by five days or something. I don't remember, but, and you know, and then so whoever, her person that was with her could only stay for a certain amount of time. So then they had to fly her companion out and then fly another one in, you know, she was so dedicated and determined to make this work.
00:25:45
Speaker
You know, and she was starting a new job that week and, you know, she needed to come back to start her new job. And then I think I remember Callie saying that like, she made it back that night and then the very next day she started her new job. Oh my gosh. They committed throughout all that and did that for us. And so that meant a lot too. But I think once again, having that known donor and exchanging, you know, little gifts and cards and messages and things like that, you know, really helped and having Callie as that, the,
00:26:14
Speaker
kind of middle woman going back and forth and you know, just sharing little tidbits. I gave her this awesome necklace and she said, she's swearing it now. She says she loves it. You know, just hearing those little things like that, you know.
00:26:26
Speaker
It just really warms your heart. Yeah. Oh gosh. Yeah, absolutely. Well, yes. Oh my gosh. Yes. So many things. So what, I mean, yes. So you alluded to Callie, your coordinator. So, you know, you do, you have a coordinator throughout the process. How was that support? Like what? Honestly, I got more support from Callie than I did the clinic. So you're getting more information and more quickly through her than through our clinic.
00:26:55
Speaker
that was a huge help. It was a huge and it was great to have her as an advocate too because she advocated a lot for us throughout this process. Like when we're having problems with, you know, her follicles not progressing and I wasn't getting the information and I think part of it was is that the clinic
00:27:11
Speaker
going on. But because she had a direct line to the donor, she had some, you know, more forthcoming information and kind of was able to help give us a better picture of what was really going on. So that was a huge help. I love Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, and then again, the emotional support as well, you know, you had
00:27:30
Speaker
You have a beautiful tribe of people that are surrounding you, and then you have that other person, like you said, that direct line that is with you right whenever you're hearing those, oh, she's positive for COVID or, you know, hey, we've got a bump, you know, things like that. I'm so glad you were feeling that support. What has your contact been like with your donor since? I probably send her way too many photos.
00:27:59
Speaker
Esther's Precious, so there are no, there are not many photos. So we both signed up for the donor sibling registry. And so that's the platform that we communicate through. I think, I think like with many things, like initially I sent her a lot, a lot, a lot of messages. Like, you know, we were, we got,
00:28:22
Speaker
married when I was like six months pregnant with Esther. Um, and so, cause we started the infertility process. We knew we wanted to get married, but the, the families, the infertility stuff and the baby stuff was more pressing and we knew it was going to work. So once that was locked down, we're like, okay, well, we should probably get married now.
00:28:42
Speaker
And you know, I sent her a message, we're on the honeymoon and we're having dinner. And I was just, we were just thinking about how grateful we were for you. So I'd send her a message and tell her that and send her pictures from our honeymoon and stuff. You know, then I'd send her a message for Thanksgiving. And you know, and so, you know, just milestones. She'd send messages back and, you know, we had briefly discussed at some point we would like to meet.
00:29:09
Speaker
which I think would be really neat. I kind of want Esther to be old enough to be able to remember it. So, you know, when we're talking about her creation story, I can like, well, you remember around the beach when we were, you know, XYZ, like, and you met that really nice lady? That was your daughter. And she can like, you know, put a face to it.
00:29:29
Speaker
Yeah, definitely like something that I would really want to do and the donors seem very open to it as well and would like to meet. So I love that. I love that. And I mean, you've illustrated beautifully just how that relationship just, it evolves and changes and you know, the, and both ways you, you know, supporting your donor during the retrieval process and then her sending you those well wishes, you know, at your transfer.
00:29:54
Speaker
That's beautiful. I love that. So what would you, I mean, going back to day one, Amy and Tim, what would you want to say to day one, Amy and Tim, knowing what you know now and being where you are now? Do you want to go first? I don't know. Like when we first met. Read me like when we first started this journey.
00:30:24
Speaker
I may have been nice and just skipped all the rounds of IVF that were, I mean, heartbreak and just skipped to the donor process, but I think just for our own sanity, we had to try fertility stuff first before we did that. Um, try one round of fertility and then start to look in. I think it would be, just from the economic standpoint, I think we both moving forward with the egg donation sooner. Um,
00:30:54
Speaker
but I think at the same time there's that fine balance. Like I think we need to do at least one round of IVF just to like, it's probably not gonna work, you know? But I think probably stopping after two probably would have been a good sweet spot for us. But I- So we were getting a lot of, like the first round we got a lot of eggs. They just were all abnormal. It was frustrating because it wasn't that we weren't getting eggs or that the eggs weren't mature. We were getting plenty of eggs. They just,
00:31:23
Speaker
promosomally, all the embryos were not viable. And that's just older, I have poor quality eggs. And so I think that we were kept, we kept hoping, well, you know, doctor says, I have ovaries, like a 30 year old, this can't happen. Just keep trying and keep trying. But to answer your question, like, what would I tell Amy, like, in the very beginning of this is that it's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay. And you want to be a mom and your
00:31:50
Speaker
There's lots of ways to be a mom, and if you wanna be a mom, you're gonna be a mom.
00:31:54
Speaker
Yes. Yes. You shared that in your beautiful letter you had shared, you had made that sign. Our baby will come to us at the right time in exactly the right way. Be strong, be brave, be fearless. You are never alone. And I just, I love those words for anybody that's going through this process. I mean, to have that constant reminder because you know, it is,
00:32:21
Speaker
Okay, let's just try this one more time. Let's just try, you know, let's just try this one more time. And that idea of keep going, keep going, but maybe keep going in a different way. And what does that look like? How do you discern that process? Yeah. And that helped a lot.
00:32:34
Speaker
you know, just seeing those words and reading that and knowing our baby will come to us in the right way in the right time. And she did. And she did. And Esther's here. Oh, I love that. I love that. So for any potential intended parents that are discerning if this is their best next step, what advice would you want to give them? I think staying in tune with
00:33:05
Speaker
what the end game is. Like it all can seem overwhelming. And then when you throw in egg donor, I think that you get a lot of static and cluster around, Oh my gosh, it's an egg donor. It's not my DNA. And how are we going to tell people and how are we going to navigate this? And, and really the big picture, none of that matters. None of it matters. You know, like once you get that positive pregnancy test and you know, your belly is big as a house and you're walking around
00:33:34
Speaker
You know, and everyone says how cute you are being pregnant and then you actually like give birth and you're holding this baby that's yours. Like that's, that's the end game. That's what's important. All the other stuff is nothing compared to the way you get the end result of being a mother and you know, families and mothers, women and couples go through this because that's what they want more than anything is to have a family. And you could have that through egg donation.
00:34:02
Speaker
And I think when you're going through this process and you get overwhelmed or get anxiety about it, that's what you need to remember. That if you want to have a family, if you want to be a mother, you can do it. Just because you can't do it with your own eggs or whatever, whatever the reason is, it's not the end. I love that. I love that. What about you, Tim?
00:34:28
Speaker
If you really want to have a baby, there's multiple ways of doing it and just embracing it. Like I've talked to parents that have adopted kids and they say it's the best thing they've ever done because they have children now. So I think look at the end result of having a baby, it's growing that family and having a family you always wanted is the important part. The way you get there, there's different roads and I don't think in the end it doesn't really matter. It's still your child.
00:34:54
Speaker
Oh, I love it. I love that. So Esther's here. Yay. Esther's a little over a year at the time of this recording. But even Esther getting here was still more, you know, just ups and downs and fun. Can you tell our listeners a little more about her story? Um, well, Miss Esther, I mean, like about the pregnancy. Yeah, yeah.
00:35:24
Speaker
So it was a fairly easy pregnancy. I didn't have morning sickness. I loved being pregnant. Like I said, we got married when I was six months pregnant. We did actually a lot of travel when I was pregnant. The pregnancy was fairly easy. As we got closer to the due date, my blood pressure did start to climb a little bit.
00:35:47
Speaker
And I was pushing back with the doctors all the time. I'm like, no, no, she's not ready. She's not ready. She's like, because I was borderline like it wasn't. They're like, well, you can induce you. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Well, how about we, like I kept bargaining with them. They're like, well, how about we schedule an induction in the next two weeks? And I'm like, okay. So I picked up the very last day. Sure.
00:36:07
Speaker
But ultimately, she ended up coming only a week and a half early. And even the delivery was just, I don't know, it was surreal. It was like a party in there. I remember in there pushing and Tim and the doula and the doctor and the nurse, they're sitting there pow-wowing and talking. I'm like, you guys might have to get a contraction. I can't say that.
00:36:31
Speaker
Everyone was just having a good time. Even the nurse was like, man, this is like a party. This is fun. I love it. Everyone in there knew this story. It was a very happy moment. It went very well. The delivery went really well. I remember after
00:36:50
Speaker
Esther came out and she was in the warmer and they were doing whatever they need to do to kind of like get me ready to like move on to the next stage. I just, I said, I see why people have 10 kids now. That was awesome. I want to do this again. I did all the hormones and the oxytocin. I don't know. There you go. Hey, I'm ready. I can do this again. I think this is awesome. I love that. We've done a lot of travel with Esther too. She was,
00:37:20
Speaker
she was like three months without a Texas we did a road trip down to Texas oh my gosh eight months she did her first flight to Vermont in November we took her to Hawaii she's been a couple times
00:37:40
Speaker
We've done, you know, weekend road trips here and there. Adventure baby. Very good traveler. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I love it. I love it. That's amazing. Very social. Everybody loves her. She's like,
00:37:55
Speaker
We take her to the daycare at the gym and she's like the most popular baby. I don't even know who you are, but everybody knows Esther. Everyone knows Esther. Oh my gosh. I love it. Yes, absolutely. So at any point in time, I mean, after
00:38:11
Speaker
After all that it took to get to where you were, I know you said the pregnancy was, you know, it was easy as far like you were traveling and, you know, just enjoying being pregnant. Did you ever have any fear, hesitation, just, you know, as you were navigating all of that? Um, I think like with most mothers, you worry about like,
00:38:36
Speaker
What if my baby doesn't like me or what if, you know, there may have difficulty bonding. So one of the things that I knew very early on breastfeeding was going to be very important to me because I felt like I wanted that and needed that to have that extra connection. And that all worked out fine too. That went smoothly as well. Um, I think we're always nervous going to the ultrasounds too. Is everything going to be okay? Is there something that we worried about? Yeah, that's true too. Every time, yeah, that's,
00:39:04
Speaker
Yeah, that is true. Actually, the very beginning, the early pregnancy, there were some bumps in the road when we were still with the infertility clinic. Esther's HCGs were extremely low initially. And they said, well, yeah, there's probably only like a 6% chance that this is going to be a viable pregnancy. Oh, wow. And so that was heartbreaking to hear that. And then we went in for our six-week ultrasound, and there she was with a heartbeat.
00:39:33
Speaker
And we were leaving, of course I cried when I was there. And then when we were driving home, we were in the car and I was like, oh my God, I just, I'm so proud of her. I love her so much already. I just saw her and like, it didn't matter. She was an egg donor. Maybe she was my baby. And I was like instantly madly in love with this like little bean on a screen. She's so proud of her. And I look over at Tim, you know,
00:39:59
Speaker
quiet like Tim over here and he like had tears in his eyes and that was and that was that was a moment and then every significant ultrasound after that I mean every ultrasound after that I'd cheer up and cry but even after that I think we were when we were coming back from our trip from San Diego I started to spot and I think that was around eight weeks maybe
00:40:24
Speaker
eight or nine. And I was like, that's it. We're miscarrying. Like I just do. I'm like, this is definitely a miscarriage. Like, I think we were hopeful, but we were also very realistic, you know, cautiously helpful. And I was like, yeah, well, I'm, you know, I'm spotting, I'm bleeding. This isn't miscarriage. And so they brought me in for an ultrasound right away. And she was still there and her little head was moving in and
00:40:53
Speaker
Um, it was like a subchorionic hemorrhage, which is very common with like, I was like, Oh my gosh, I can't believe we just, you know, kind of like skated through this. Like, you know, we had with like the egg donor getting COVID and almost canceling the cycle. And then, um, the HCG is being so low and then, you know, having bleeding or an early pregnancy, I just couldn't believe that. Like we were lucky enough that we like made it through all that. And she's like, this,
00:41:23
Speaker
you know, 14 months old child running around getting into absolutely everything. Oh my gosh. I love it. Oh, that's beautiful. I mean, and it just, it just shows that, you know, there are still a road to go on and it is so important to have that support system and you know, just all of those things, but at least having those, you know, those little moments, like you said, that bracelet and you know, just those little things throughout that kind of just keep you going.
00:41:51
Speaker
Um, oh my gosh, I love it. So, okay. Yes. Esther's here and she is just perfect and precious and pure sugar. And I like cannot stand it. She's so sweet and cute. Oh my gosh. What, how did you, I mean, every moment post delivery, right? Is like, yeah, I'm going to have 10 more of these. And then you're celebrating those big milestone moments and you know, all of, all of those things. How was that first Mother's Day?
00:42:19
Speaker
We went to the aquarium. Yeah, we went to the aquarium. Yeah, that was kind of surreal. Why did it work that day too? We ended up going to the aquarium and like doing family things. And you know, I think I got teary that teary eye that day, but like I still get
00:42:43
Speaker
teary-eyed when I do things. Like when I met my friend to go to the zoo like this summer and I was like unloading her from the car and putting her in the stroller to go to the zoo and I like teared up and like started crying. I'm like, I can't believe I'm taking my daughter to the zoo. Like it just, you know, I still, that first year it was very surreal. Like I almost felt like she was borrowed or something because we tried so hard to get there.
00:43:09
Speaker
And so I'd have moments like that where I was like, oh my gosh, this is real. Like I'm taking my daughter to the zoo. Holy crap. We went to go see Santa and I put her in Santa's lap. And I started crying because I'm like, I can't believe I'm putting my daughter on Santa's lap. And then she was crying. I mean, she's over a year old and I took her to her first story time at the library and I got all choked up. I'm like, oh my God, I cannot cry. These people are going to think I'm crazy. It's cool to have those moments where I'm like,
00:43:39
Speaker
I cannot believe that this is us. Like, this is our daughter. This is our lives. And we made it this far. Still, been 14 months since she was born. And I still am just in awe of everything. Absolutely. Absolutely. And your story is still not over. I know you guys
00:43:57
Speaker
have a transfer coming up and sending all of the baby dust and sticky pots and happy vibes and you know, just all of the things. So you guys, um, again, I just so appreciate you being so vocal about your story because you know, it can be scary for some as they, you know, are going down this road and you know, having people like you, you know, being able to be a support
00:44:23
Speaker
I am to those and being vulnerable and sharing your story that is still continuing to unfold. And, you know, we'll keep going along with, you know, Esther, my final question to you, and it's a fun question for anyone who knows me, they know that I have a very codependent relationship with my coffee. So to ask you what filled your cup this morning, literally or figuratively, what was the thing that filled your cup?
00:44:55
Speaker
I went to the gym today for the first semester was bored. Let's go. And also this morning was the first day of my meds for my transfer. So that's what filled my cup. That's big stuff. Yes. Oh, happy start of meds. Yay.
00:45:14
Speaker
So that's what Phil did this morning. Tim's a big coffee drinker too. So he had lots of coffee. Nice. There you go. Yeah, I have a Keurig too. You're on the crib in the morning. He's always wonderful. Like she's always standing there smiling and excited to see you. Um, I can't wait to drop her off at the gym at daycare. She's always smiles when she goes in there and then she sees you when you go pick her up and she's smiling right at you.
00:45:40
Speaker
She's a very, very happy baby. And everyone tells us that. I'm like, are all babies like this? No, she's just full of smiles. And so hopefully we'll be as lucky with our second. Yay. Oh, I love that. I love that. Oh, gosh. Well, again, you guys, thank you so much for sharing that story. And seriously, all the best wishes for just everything going forward. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
00:46:11
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of the Me, You and Who podcast. We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today. As we wrap, we would like to remind you of some of the ways to stay connected with us and be part of the Me, You and Who podcast community. Firstly, if you haven't already, make sure to subscribe to our podcast on your favorite platform.
00:46:34
Speaker
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Speaker
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00:47:15
Speaker
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