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00:00:01
Who?- An Intended Mother via Surrogacy and Everly's mama
99 Plays5 months ago
It is the season of Mother's Day which is time of celebration, but can also be a hard day for many. To celebrate where ever you find yourself during this time we want to share some stories of hope and today's episode you will get to hear form Crystal, who's inspiring journey to motherhood is one of hope, resilience and pure joy! She candidly shares her poignant experiences with the loss of her daughter Everly and in the midst of that grief, her courageous decision to pursue surrogacy. Through heartfelt narratives, Crystal reveals the invaluable emotional support she received from therapists, support groups, and online communities and shares her journey with surrogacy and the numerous challenges they faced along the way. Despite encountering several setbacks, their perseverance led to a successful outcome, culminating in the joyous arrival of their baby girl and life long friendship. Reflecting on their extraordinary journey, the parents share invaluable advice for others who have gone through loss, are considering surrogacy, and offer a beacon of hope and guidance for those on similar paths.
Takeaways
· Grief support is crucial for navigating the loss of a child and the journey to motherhood. Therapy and support groups can provide comfort and guidance during difficult times.
· The surrogacy process can be challenging and may involve multiple setbacks, but perseverance can lead to success.
· Celebrating and honoring the lost child can bring healing and create meaningful traditions. The journey to a successful pregnancy can be filled with losses and setbacks, but it's important to remain hopeful and celebrate each milestone along the way.
· Building a close relationship with the surrogate and her family can be a healing experience and create lifelong connections.
· The delivery day can be filled with surprises and emotions, but having a supportive team and being prepared can make the experience more enjoyable.
· Bonding with a baby born through surrogacy is just as strong
· Reflecting on the journey and offering advice to others can help provide support and guidance to those considering surrogacy.
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Recommended
Transcript
Crystal's Journey to Motherhood
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, everyone. On today's episode, I had the privilege and honor of speaking with Crystal. She is a writer, speaker, and most importantly, a mama to her baby's story via surrogacy and her sweet baby, Everly in Heaven. We got to talk today just about her journey to motherhood, how she navigated loss,
00:00:29
Speaker
her beautiful journey with her amazing surrogate and what life is like now and all of the ways that she has celebrated and navigated all of those different big moments.
00:00:44
Speaker
It was an amazing time with Crystal and I am so, so grateful and I know this will be so beneficial to anyone that has experienced loss or anyone who knows someone that has experienced loss. So please enjoy listening to Crystal.
00:01:08
Speaker
Me, you, and who?
Understanding Surrogacy with Whitney Hall
00:01:11
Speaker
Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby? In a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic, this podcast will take you through all the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways. My name is Whitney Hall, and I am a two-time surrogate, now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions, the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families.
00:01:37
Speaker
With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
00:01:59
Speaker
Hi, Crystal. Oh my gosh, it's so good. Oh, it's so good to see you. It is so, so, so good to see you. I am so happy you are here. And I just cannot wait to like chat and just do all of the things. How are you? I'm so good. I feel like we have been through such a journey. I'm so excited to talk about it with you. Baby girl is downstairs and hearing some good grandma snuggles while we chat.
00:02:29
Speaker
dream like she is the best baby we're having a blast oh they never let her learn to walk I may just carry her until she's like 15 I don't know uh-huh no I say this to my sister had my sweet little niece she's eight months old and I tell her all the time I'm like anytime you know she she tries to walk I'm just like just push her down just push her down don't
00:02:57
Speaker
Oh my gosh. Well, okay. I am so excited. We're like, we're jumping ahead because we're getting to the fun part, right? Cause we want to hear all about baby, but it's like, go back. Let's go back. Okay. Oh my gosh. Okay. So you and let's like a way back if you're, if, if you're okay. Cause you and Tom, like you guys started this journey obviously long before, you know, we even got like here.
Challenges in Family Planning
00:03:23
Speaker
So like what, tell me what led you to this?
00:03:27
Speaker
Okay. So we started a journey way back. I think our journey has been like seven or eight years at this point. Um, we tried to have children the way that everybody tries to have children and that did not work. We did a round of IVF and, uh, failed and it didn't work. And then did our doctor said, you know what, we'll just do a drug free IUI. It'll,
00:03:54
Speaker
They, they don't work, but it'll be something to do until you decide what's next. Sure. Sure. And it did work. Um, and I got pregnant with our first Everly and we were, that was 2021. We were pregnant with her for 26 weeks when I had the
00:04:16
Speaker
worst preeclampsia. Um, it was scary and I will spare you all the details, but suffice it to say it was life threatening for me. It was life threatening for her and it all happened really, really fast. And so the decision to deliver her when she was 26 weeks, she was like so little and she was a pound and four ounces. Um, and the most perfect, her name was Everly. It's just the most perfect baby.
00:04:42
Speaker
Um, and they told us if she lived for seven days, we were probably going to make it. And so we didn't tell anybody for seven days that we had had her. And when she hit that milestone, it was like, we're going to make it. She's going to make it. And she did until, uh, on day 19, she got an infection. And when they're that little.
00:05:06
Speaker
infections move really quickly. And when you have that many tubes and things happening, it's easy to get one. And so we lost her when she was 19 years old, which was just the worst day. Um, and what very quickly, and I mean, like days after her funeral, we were having a conversation about whether we would even ever try again. Yeah. What she taught us was that we were,
00:05:33
Speaker
meant to be parents. And I don't think we knew that before her, even though we were trying, we were trying because that's what you do when you're approaching a certain age. I really knew if I wanted to be a mom, even though we were trying until I held her. And when I held her, it was like the world became color after being black and white. I mean, it was like whole new world were meant to be parents.
00:06:01
Speaker
how do we not go through this again? And so we met with a lot of doctors. And I spent a lot of time turning grief into anxious Googling. And Dr. Google is so, so flighty. I read every study. I ended up contacting a doctor who writes the textbooks on preeclampsia.
Choosing Surrogacy
00:06:27
Speaker
And essentially what he came to was
00:06:30
Speaker
depending on your type of preeclampsia, it may come back or it may not. The kind that I had was very, very likely to happen again. And I was very, very likely to lose another baby and potentially die in the process. And so the doctor, I will never forget what he said. He said, crystal, do you want to carry a baby or do you want to carry a baby home? Because if you want to carry a baby home, it will be with a surrogate.
00:06:58
Speaker
And it was just so clear. And I was so thankful because so often medical professionals, rightly so, or just, you know, it's your decision. Here are the facts. And sure, sure. Clear. And it was so helpful to us. And so we, we went kind of ham and we assembled a team of advisors and mentors that we trust and wrote out all the statistics for every possible thing we could do and sent it to them.
00:07:28
Speaker
and said, we need you to tell us what you think we should do. Cause we're surviving grief right now. We're not seeing clearly. Can you help us clearly? And none of them knew each other. They did not know that other people were being asked the same question. And every advisor came back with surrogacy as the answer. And it felt so like confirming of, okay, this is the direction.
00:07:50
Speaker
We don't know how we're going to pay for it. We don't know how it's going to work. I thought this was something Kardashians do and maybe nobody else. So it was really fascinating to go, OK, I think we're going that direction. We were two months out from our baby passing and we were interviewing agencies and most of them, if I'm being honest, no shade. They're all wonderful.
00:08:18
Speaker
But it was very clinical and it was very transactional. And then I called Surrogate Solutions and it was the most different conversation. I talked to Gail who had been here for a long time and it was the most beautiful human conversation and she was willing to talk with me about all the
00:08:41
Speaker
thoughts and fears about, is this even ethical? Does it hurt the babies? Does it hurt women? What does this mean? And it was such a beautiful conversation. And at the end of that, we said, okay, this is the direction we're going.
00:08:55
Speaker
Yeah, maybe getting ahead you want to talk about the no, yeah No, you're good. You're good. No, no, no. Yeah. Oh so much so much good stuff there and I want to like I want to unpack so let's go back so you have you know, just you're gorgeous everly and you know and just and you get to have that precious time with her and then I know it was the
00:09:20
Speaker
the best and worst day in the sense of, I remember you had mentioned like the, your, your nurses, they were guiding you like, we're going to do these firsts even on this day. And you know, you have all of those crazy, bittersweet memories, you know, with, with all of that. And then in the midst of all of that, you're figuring out, I want to be a parent. What does that journey look like? Not only am I grieving my daughter, but now I'm trying to figure out
00:09:47
Speaker
how to have, you know, how to be a mom, you know, again to an earthly baby and what was the comfort, like what were things that were comforting you during that time as you were just getting through grief and discerning. I mean, so much happening all at once.
00:10:05
Speaker
That is such a good question because there was so much comfort needed. Like I can smile and talk about Everly now, but when you and I first met, I could not. It was just weeping every time because we were just going through it. So I have an incredible therapist named Tanitra and she- We love a therapist. We love a therapist. I can't see how people survive this kind of trauma without therapy, Tom.
00:10:35
Speaker
She was my therapist before Everly. I called her the day after Everly passed away and Tom just sat down on the call with me. She had never met him and she has counseled the two of us since we had a call with her last Friday. But walking through that with her has been so helpful. There was a perinatal loss team at our hospital.
00:10:57
Speaker
Who is awesome. Um, they are called the heart strings team at our particular hospital. And they connected us with a, uh, a support group for parents like us, which I can't think of anything that sounds like more of a downer.
00:11:13
Speaker
than a Zoom call with a bunch of people who just lost a baby. I did not want to know the first time I thought, this is going to be even worse. We're
Healing and Support
00:11:25
Speaker
in the worst part of our life. Right. It's going to make it worse. It was the best thing that could have happened to us, meeting other parents like us who said the same things we said, other dads who were saying, I sleep with a pink teddy bear at night.
00:11:42
Speaker
because that reminds me of my baby, that kind of like normalizing and oh, you guys do that too. You're nervous about birthdays and Christmas too. Like, oh, so the grief support group was great. We still have lifelong friends, some who have gone on to have more kids, some who haven't. Um, from that group, there are some gatherings each year where we see each other in person and it is just,
00:12:06
Speaker
Beautiful and precious and sweet and yeah And I love that you you keep Everly Alive in this way like you you are like this you celebrate her you like you celebrate birthdays You celebrate Christmas you celebrate all of those big moments with her. That's huge For sure, and I don't I don't think I mentioned her original due date was Christmas Day so
00:12:35
Speaker
it just made the holidays feel messy. It was happy and sad and it was her due date and also she wasn't there. And so we decided the first year that we wanted to do something to honor her on Christmas morning and we weren't sure what that looked like. So we ended up buying gifts for her nurses because they were her first friends and they were the ones who
00:13:05
Speaker
knew her and saw her alive and loved us well. And so we went and took, uh, just some goodies to the nurses that Christmas morning. And I happened to stop at a craft store the day before, and I saw those ornaments that say like baby's first Christmas 2021. And I realized if you're a parent in the NICU, you can't go buy those and you, they won't be here next year.
00:13:31
Speaker
So we went and made sure that we got Christmas ornaments for the families in the NICU. And that has just become our Christmas morning tradition. We did our third Christmas this year where we went and visited the NICU Christmas morning and we're able to go visit nurses. A lot of them don't know who we are anymore and that's fine. It's weird. We're like, hey, we're a family who brings cake on Christmas morning.
00:13:58
Speaker
This is a thing we do. I love that they don't know you though. I love that. And gone to different places. Some still do. And those are like the most beautiful family reunions. This is something about being with somebody who knew your baby alive. And her grandparents don't remember her alive. Nobody else saw her but us and her nurses. And so getting to see them has been
00:14:28
Speaker
So sweet. And I've run into a few of them at different places and it's just like, they're just such super humans. Um, so nurses are lovely. There's also a resource cause I know a lot of lost parents will listen to this podcast. Um, who are on the same journey that we are. There is another podcast called joyful morning. And I, it would be a problem to not point it out because it is specifically for moms who are grieving.
00:14:57
Speaker
And this podcaster has saved my little heart over and over and over. Um, there are so many episodes, like how to handle the holidays when you've lost a baby. And it was her who said for the first time to me, um, you don't have to get it right this year and you don't have to do it the same way next year. And you're not a bad mom if you don't celebrate this year and you're not.
00:15:22
Speaker
It's not that you don't care about your baby. If you celebrate differently next year, it's fine. And it was just so relieving. There's an episode to send to family members on what to say to a grieving mom. Oh, that's super helpful. Oh, it is incredible. Um, and the, their website is the morning.com, just M O R N I N G.
00:15:45
Speaker
Um, but they even have like how to plan a funeral resources. Yeah. So all the shout out I could send, I could not be more grateful for, I think her name was Ashley. I don't know this person, but, but she saved you, but she saved you during a really, really, really tough and time. Yeah. We were thinking in all resources at that point, anything that made any sense at all. We were happy to take it.
00:16:10
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. And then amidst all of that, now you're trying to, okay, we still want to grow our family. What was that? I mean, I mean, you already said you're talking to the doctors and the advisors and everything like that. How are you and Tom even just discerning all of that all at once? Yeah, I mean, the, the advisors were very helpful. Um, because you know this, if,
00:16:40
Speaker
If you're grieving or if you've experienced trauma, you're not thinking clearly. And we knew we were not thinking. There was a season where I felt like I couldn't drive because my brain was not functioning appropriately. So I wished at the time we could have had two years to heal and then make this decision. We're old.
00:17:05
Speaker
So we did not wait that long. And so, um, just finding a group of people that we love and trust. Some were family members. Some were coworkers who were a little bit further down the road than us. Um, some had had fertility struggles and some hadn't, but they were all people who made wise decisions in their own life and who loved us enough to tell us what we did or didn't want to hear. Um, and so we sent them all a letter.
00:17:36
Speaker
and said, you know, we're never going to remind you of this. So if you decide not to answer, that is okay, but we're not going to ask you over and over. You can let this slide because this is a big life decision. But if you choose to weigh in, it would mean a lot to us. And we sent them all the research and several called us with follow-up questions. Some came to our house to sit down with us and said, I want to understand more. And at the end of all of it, they all said the same thing.
00:18:06
Speaker
And it was so good for us feeling like we were on shaky ground going, I don't think I'm thinking clearly. What, what do you say? Because there was a part of me that thought maybe I should carry again. Maybe I should try it. Maybe it's selfish to not try it. I wasn't thinking clearly enough to go, Hey, they told you there's a 70% chance you're going to die in this.
00:18:33
Speaker
That's big stuff. Yeah. That's a big statistic right there. Love us. Love us enough to say, hey, we're not going to let you make a choice that's going to harm you. We think this is the right way to go and we're going to be with you every step of the way.
00:18:52
Speaker
Honestly, I learned everything I could about surrogacy and part of it was listening to podcasts just like this one and listening to episode after episode of what works and what doesn't. And I remember there was a particular doctor on a podcast. I could not tell you which one he said, if you're willing to stick with it long enough, you will take home a baby. Statistically it's going to happen. And I just thought, okay.
00:19:23
Speaker
Okay, I think I can stick with it long enough. If we have a loss, because I was thinking, oh my gosh, what if we do surrogacy? What if we have a loss? Foreshadowing, we did. You just keep going. You will have a baby and that was so helpful for me to hear that.
00:19:43
Speaker
There was lots of lots of lots of lots of lots of research. You're a research girl. Girl, I am a nervous. Oh, my gosh. I love it. I love it. And amidst all that googling, you found us here we are. And so then what was so we'll fast. We'll we'll kind of I shouldn't say fast track. But like, you're, I mean, you're still in the midst of all of this of just and and, you know, all of that. And now it's okay. Not only are we dealing with
00:20:14
Speaker
you know, working through our grief, but now we're about to go down the avenue of hope of we're hoping for, you know, our, to grow our family. So you're like on all of the roller coasters everywhere. You've got a theme park going on girl. And now we're in the, the, okay, you've just decided, all right, we're going to move forward with this agency. We've got to figure out how we're going to pay for it. Now we've got to hope that we're going to match all of that. What was all of that like?
00:20:44
Speaker
It just seemed so impossible at first. It just seemed like this is not a thing real people can do. I mean, when we looked at the cost of it, it was, everybody who has ever looked at surrogacy knows there is a price tag. There's a price tag with IVF. There's a price, like even before you get to surrogacy, right? Yeah.
00:21:12
Speaker
And there was this moment where we realized in everything that had happened in losing Everly, we kind of missed that it was open enrollment.
00:21:23
Speaker
For insurance, bigger fish to fry, you know, my husband was at a new company. We hadn't even really explored his insurance stuff at all. Um, and we were looking at his policy and discovered that it covered a lot of IVF and a good chunk of surrogacy. And it was, he had only been at this company for six months.
00:21:50
Speaker
It was not why he went there. Um, turns out California based companies are required to carry some fertility coverage, which who knew, um, and he, his company is there. And so suddenly what seemed impossible felt possible. Okay. Okay. I think we can move down this road. Um, but then how do you find somebody?
00:22:14
Speaker
And even before how you find somebody, I really wrestled with, is this okay?
Ethics and Surrogacy
00:22:22
Speaker
Is this an okay thing to do? I don't, we haven't talked about this yet at all, but while we were in the hospital having our baby, our phones lit up. I mean, we were in the delivery room and our phones are lining up with, the Pope says surrogacy is despicable. And I was like,
00:22:44
Speaker
What? But the truth is he said that with good reason because the way it's handled in some situations and in some places is despicable and it takes advantage of women in some places. And I don't think he knows about other ways of doing it. And so at the beginning of this process, we were trying to figure out, is there a way of doing this where everybody is honored, where we're not taking advantage of anybody
00:23:13
Speaker
we're not going to look back and regret the way we treated somebody in the process. And it really was in that first conversation with Gail that it became so clear that surrogate solutions was honoring the surrogates themselves and that this was not transactional, that they were cared for. And in fact, I
00:23:35
Speaker
did deep dives into some Facebook groups who were saying, Hey, this is where you want to go. If you are a surrogate, you're going to be treated well. And so it was really exploring at that stage. Like, how do we do this in a way that honors everybody that honors the baby that honors ourselves that honors our surrogate. Um, and that's kind of how we got to this, to this particular, um, and
00:24:01
Speaker
So then we had the same conversation that we had with every agency, which is to match with a surrogate. There is a 10 month waiting period. Um, at the time that may not be true now, but then it was 10 months and then you have to get pregnant and they will probably live in a different state somewhere else. And you will fly to where they are when they have the baby. And all of that was fine with us. Um, except we were looking at our ages and going,
00:24:31
Speaker
10 months means we could be a couple years from a baby. What does that mean for us? And so you guys said, hey, let's just put your story on our Instagram and see what happens. Yeah. We had not signed any contracts. I was like, really? We had no formal agreements. We just said, OK, let's try that.
00:24:56
Speaker
I know I'm speaking from a place of incredible privilege when I say this because this is not everybody's story. But our surrogate responded in three hours. And she did not live states away. She lived 20 minutes down the same road as us. And it was this magical, I cannot believe it. There's no way that this could have happened by accident.
00:25:24
Speaker
There is something orchestrating the universe moment. Yes. And it was I remember us dancing in our living room saying there's no way this is possible. This is amazing. And then we met. And yeah, incredible. I mean, it was just such an instant connection and instant
00:25:48
Speaker
Shoulders shoulders drop when you guys met on the match meeting. So everybody decided okay Yes, and now it's the match meeting. Yeah, everybody decided yes, and we went to the match meeting I don't think I've ever been more nervous. I don't think I've ever liked like a like a first date. It's like a blind date. Yeah It's like a first date except you talk about your reproductive system and
00:26:18
Speaker
Absolutely. Absolutely. It was, but it was the best first meeting and I immediately thought not only are we just connected, do I feel safe with her carrying our baby, but her husband was on the call. He and my husband hit it off pretty quickly. We all were like, I think we might be friends after this. I think that's what's going to happen.
00:26:44
Speaker
And that is exactly what happened. We were at their house two weeks later for dinner and became really good friends. I love that. I love that so, so much. Oh my gosh. Oh, you're so right. Like it just, it all, the puzzle fit, the puzzle fit. And it just, oh, it worked out so, so beautifully. So then not only have you guys since just become
00:27:12
Speaker
great friends and everything. But now you start on the journey and we begin, you know, just all that whole process of screening and psych and, you know, just all, all of that. And you got to transfer day. Yeah. It was so exciting. And then it wasn't. Yeah. So it was really hard and
00:27:40
Speaker
We did get some positive tests at home and then it was negative. I will never forget that. It's one thing to go through loss as
Journey with the Surrogate
00:27:52
Speaker
a family. It's another thing to go through loss with another family. To see our surrogate, we'll call her G to protect her privacy, to see me grieving.
00:28:06
Speaker
with us and to see her husband grieving with us. In some ways it felt awful because I thought you don't have to be going through this. This is our journey and now you're hurting too but on the other side it was so cementing in our relationship to say okay we've gone through this together and we've gone through a heartache and I think you're in it
00:28:34
Speaker
for us as a family and we're in it for you as a family and caring for each other during that time was really, I was honestly really beautiful as much as it was maddening that it ended that way. Cause we were sure, right? When you go through all the different things, you start with a surrogate. It's of course it's going to work. It's not going to not work, but it didn't work. And we were heartbroken about it. Yeah. Yeah.
00:29:02
Speaker
And, you know, again, more roller coasters and, you know, just all of that, all of that. And yeah, we didn't have embryos to spare. So that meant going back to do more IVF and, uh, G and her husband waiting much longer than they had signed up for, for us to do more rounds. Um,
00:29:24
Speaker
There, I mean, it's a story or it's a, it's a journey for sure. It's not a sprint. It's a journey. There was a second loss. I mean that, that happened twice where we went in with our one and only embryo and it didn't make it. And then we would go back to create more embryos and more IVF. And they honestly, they walked with us the whole time, not only them, their kids.
00:29:53
Speaker
would like drop off hand drawings of encouragement notes at our house. And their kids were cheering for us and they were, as much as they could understand, they were cheering for us to have a baby. Which was really, really sweet. Oh my gosh. A long time to get there. Yeah. Yeah. And then we got there. And then we got there. What was that? What was that like?
00:30:21
Speaker
Oh, I don't think we were breathing for the first trimester. I believe that. I believe that. Oh my gosh. And I should say like, how was it? So you had, you had those, I mean, three transfers and on every transfer day, despite all of the roller coasters, did you, were you still having just that big hope or were you just like, I'm just cautiously optimistic at this point?
00:30:48
Speaker
Oh, super hopeful every time. I mean, we were so sure every time that it didn't work. When it didn't work, we were so heartbroken. Um, but we were so sure each time and each time was different. I mean, some were better graded embryos than others. Some had, um, you know, genetic anomalies and some didn't, um, it wasn't both are both of our losses were boys. And so I was very hopeful when we had a girl.
00:31:18
Speaker
that my girls are strong. Girls are strong, that's right. Maybe it was going to work with a girl, but no, each time we were hopeful and each transfer day had its own kind of personality for how the day went. Absolutely. Absolutely. So then you started getting those positive pregnancy tests and then we got that good beta and then we get to that ultrasound and now you're just holding your breath.
00:31:45
Speaker
Oh yeah. Oh, over the moon when we got a positive and then the betas were really strong and all the pregnancy test lines were really strong. And it was like, okay, this is great. This is so wonderful. Also hold on. Don't get too excited. You know, be reasonable because I think everybody tries to protect themselves after they've been through some losses and
00:32:13
Speaker
I don't think we were really excited. That's not true. We were really excited. I don't think we were able to like breathe or take a sigh of relief until that first trimester was over. Once we hit that first trimester, it was like, okay. All right. Now, now I think we can make it. Yeah. What did that look like? Um,
00:32:41
Speaker
Our transfer day was so interesting with this one. Our, we had been through so much with our doctor, um, through not only losses, but there were some mishaps in their clinic that were disappointing that would cause us to have to start rounds over. And, um, you know, things happening on our irons. I got COVID in the middle of everything and we would have to start a round over. And so by this last transfer, I asked our doctor who's on call for transfer day.
00:33:10
Speaker
And he said, you've been through so much, I won't let anybody else do it. So he shows up on his day off playing close to come in and do the transfer. And every doctor we had seen was very serious. Our doctor, the one we regularly saw was, he's a quirky guy. And he's a big fan of Lord of the Rings. He's like the kind of fan who
00:33:39
Speaker
uh, gets, gets an Elvish dictionary and learns the language. I love it. I'm here for it. Every, everyone we had met previously for every transfer had been very serious. Yes. This doctor repeated an Elvish blessing after. And none of us knew that was going to happen. So he was just speaking this sort of strange language.
00:34:08
Speaker
And then he smiles, looks at us, says, live long and prosper, and takes off. And we were like, what just happened here? What just happened? And he was so like, you know, just jovial and laughing through the whole thing that we thought, well, that's different enough. Maybe it will work. And who knew? It did. Who knew? Just needed an elvish blushing and some Star Trek.
00:34:38
Speaker
That's all it takes. Oh my gosh. That's hilarious. Wow. Wow. So you finally are able to breathe. How did you guys celebrate? What did that look like for you as you were just preparing and getting ready? And I mean, how did you continue to
00:34:59
Speaker
you know, grow your relationship. I mean, you and your surrogate had already been through so much. You guys already had such a close relationship. How was finally getting to this part? This part was the best. I felt like so much of our relationship had been about healing together. Yeah. And, and she and her husband had been such a healing instrument in our lives, you know, um, even as we were grieving our first daughter,
00:35:27
Speaker
so much of it had been about hurt, so much of it had been about loss. Then to get to a point where we could celebrate was almost like, well, how do we do this? So we were so excited. I remember they brought this little cake over to our house the night before the transfer and it just had the word hope on top. And we've got a picture of that cake at our house. We'll probably always remember
00:35:54
Speaker
us just sort of lighting a candle and saying, okay, this is it. We're still going to have hope no matter what. And then once it was like healthy and we were good, it was celebration all the time. Every time we saw each other, you know, it was kind of giggly and just so excited for each other. I did not personally enjoy pregnancy. So to see someone be happy and say, I'm so thrilled to be pregnant. I was like,
00:36:23
Speaker
Oh, that's interesting. I was interested in her the whole time. And so I'm so thankful that you are so excited with me. And and so much of it was she just wanted this for our family. And she was overjoyed. She was as glowing as I was knowing that we were getting closer. And we didn't tell anybody for a long time because we had been through that. And
00:36:52
Speaker
been through telling people early and telling people late. And so we just did not tell anybody really until 20 weeks until we were kind of hitting some viability. Yeah. And then it felt like the whole world erupted when they knew everyone was so excited. That was really, really sweet. Yeah. Oh, my gosh, I love that. One thing I've learned that I bet
00:37:22
Speaker
I bet a lot of your intended parents have this experience. A lot of people don't know what surrogacy is. And I didn't realize that. I am shocked that in 2024, there are this many adults who have no idea that surrogacy and adoption are not the same thing. I have had that conversation over and over and over and people are not dumb. Like it just doesn't come up in their life at all.
00:37:52
Speaker
Yeah. High school biology classes like help us out here. Absolutely. So finally, whenever you are able to celebrate, it's almost like now you're also being put in a position to have to educate and in some instances defend. Oh yeah, for sure. I yeah, very often was asked, will you adopt this baby? Do you think she will keep this baby?
00:38:20
Speaker
Um, is she upset to give up her baby? Yeah. And it's just people who had never encountered surrogacy and didn't even realize that it was our baby in her belly, our bun in her oven. And so there was a lot of education around it kind of helping people understand like, Oh, none of those things are bad. This just isn't that this is a different.
00:38:47
Speaker
biological process. This is a different situation. So there's a lot of education that had to happen early on. Yeah. And how was navigating those conversations? I mean, I feel like that's so much to take on. You're, you're still grieving.
00:39:05
Speaker
Yeah. You know, like always we will forever be, but like you're, you're navigating that you've navigated more loss. You're now hopeful, but we're still, you know, cautious, cautiously hopeful. We're still, you know, all of that. And now you're being asked to defend or educate. I mean, how are you navigating all of that? Um, with small fits of rage,
00:39:37
Speaker
Yes. I tried to be patient and remember that there are lots of things that other people go through that I don't know anything about. Yeah. And that I probably step my foot in my mouth more than I have ever realized.
00:39:54
Speaker
Most people were very worried about putting their foot in their mouth. They were very like, I don't want to say the wrong thing, but and then they would say the wrong thing. Oh, yeah. And so the tiger remember like nobody's heart was in a bad place. No one. I was really afraid that there would be people who strongly disagreed with our decision who would come out of the work to tell us that.
00:40:19
Speaker
I work in a professionally Christian space and there are a lot of people in the Christian community that would not support surrogacy. So I was very nervous about what some of those conversations might look like. Um, that was not my experience at all. Most people who came, came with support, they might have questions and trying to understand what we're going through, but I, there was no,
00:40:45
Speaker
Uh, no need to defend. There was nobody saying this is a horrible thing to do. Everybody's super supportive. Um, and in fact, it, it sort of became apparent to me that everybody knew somebody who was struggling either with fertility or the decision to do surrogacy or with wanting to be a surrogate. Like there were all these different connections that people had that they didn't really have anybody to ask about it.
00:41:14
Speaker
And so I got to be the person that they asked about it, which was kind of fun. I was a teacher before this, so I like the teaching aspect of it. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Oh, I love that, I love that. I mean, that's hard, but it's, that's amazing that you, amidst all of that, were still able to celebrate in that way of, okay, here we go, like,
00:41:41
Speaker
We're going to, we're going to tell them the work because this is, this is my family's story. Yeah. Oh my gosh. So what would you say before we get to the big delivery day? What would you say was maybe some of your most favorite or memorable moments? I know we've touched on some of them, but just looking back, maybe what were some of the big ones? There were so many great moments. Every doctor's appointment was just like magic.
00:42:11
Speaker
Even if they were quick, if there was an ultrasound or we could hear a heartbeat, we were, you know, we had the good fortune to be in the same city as our surrogate. So we got to go to every appointment and hear those things. And every time it was magical and our, our surrogate is probably one of the most fun people I know. So anytime there was a doctor's appointment, she would be like, let's get brunch.
00:42:37
Speaker
Let's do something fun afterwards. Let's go to breakfast before. And so it was always like a fun day out, which was really, it just made the whole process more exciting. And then, um, for our second trimester to celebrate making it to our second trimester, we bought matching pink combat boots. Yeah, you did.
00:43:00
Speaker
Cause you know, but us goofing around and wearing these boot mapping boots and being in places where people would ask, how do you know each other? We're like, well, she's having my baby. Let me explain more education and then getting to, um,
00:43:25
Speaker
She was OK with us touching her belly. And so getting to feel the baby move was just a big, beautiful moment that made it all feel real. Getting to talk to the baby and let her hear our voice was so special. But also watching her kids love our baby was I will get like we be talking about it. Her kids would read bedtime stories to our baby.
00:43:53
Speaker
And they would say bedtime prayers with our baby. And knowing that she was so loved from the beginning when we couldn't be there, it was just, oh, it was so special. So there were lots of good, sweet moments on the journey. I love that. I love that so much. So now we get to the big day.
The Birth of Crystal's Daughter
00:44:15
Speaker
Delivery day. What was it like? Tell me, tell me.
00:44:21
Speaker
I feel like, I mean, I said for the beginning, I feel like we were so lucky with who we were matched with. And I feel like in so many ways that God put this match together because our personalities fit so well. And so we decided that the delivery day was not going to be boring, that it would be fun. And so we brought games.
00:44:48
Speaker
We knew we were going to be in labor for a while. So there were games. There was a stand up comedy video that we all watched together. There was a puzzle. We all. Oh, it was, you know, we ordered like fun takeout for delivery. It was like. And and she was so kind from the beginning, from our very first phone call, she said, you deserve to see your baby born. You deserve to be in the room where it happens.
00:45:17
Speaker
You need to see everything. And we just want you to know we're okay with it. And I remember thinking, that's really nice. I don't have to see that. It's really okay. Like back behind your head. Well, in the room is great, but like we don't have to see. And then when the time came,
00:45:46
Speaker
That was the most magical thing I have ever experienced in my life. There was no standing out of the way. The nurse looked at me and said, grab a leg. And I was like, we are in this. Getting to watch her be born was so beautiful. And of course, her husband looks at my husband and says, let's switch places. You need to see this. And it was just such a generous.
00:46:15
Speaker
Such a such an odd thing, you know, to invite some other family to see that part of you. Generous way to handle it and say, hey, you shouldn't miss the opportunity to get to see this happen. Yeah. So we were able to see baby story born and. I feel like we were very well prepared by our team for how that was going to go for, you know, put the baby.
00:46:45
Speaker
on the surrogate's belly because she's still attached. That doesn't mean the baby to her just means she's on the belly because she can't go anywhere else until she- Right, right, right. There's like a medical reason. Physics would not let her go farther until that- I feel like we were really prepared. I have to give a shout out to our attorneys.
00:47:10
Speaker
who gave us the best advice. They said, look, when everything's happening in the room, it's happening so fast and nurses and doctors are in and out. They don't know who you are. So you need some sort of pin or something telling them who you are, even just for insurance purposes, because the baby will go to your insurance and the surrogate will go to her insurance. And if that gets mixed up, it's very complicated. So we had t-shirts printed.
00:47:37
Speaker
And all of us were wearing t-shirts in the delivery room that told the doctors and nurses who we were. I am the mom. Yes. We had a Syro mom and baby mama and baby daddy. Oh, I love it. Baby mama. It was so fun. And so to be there when they handed us our baby was so beautiful and special. And to get to share that with our
00:48:07
Speaker
you know, our best friends who are having the baby there with us is just, it was so special. Oh my gosh. What was that? What was that like as you, you're seeing this amazing thing. You've gone through so much. Everly is now a big sister. Yeah. Oh yeah.
00:48:30
Speaker
What was all of that? I mean, that must've been, again, your theme park that you've got going on with that emotional roller coaster. It sounds like it felt just so healing and you're going on this new journey. Yeah, it was the first time I thought we made it. Yeah. For in years, in years, there had not been a moment of like, okay, we're fine. Okay, we made it. And seeing her,
00:49:00
Speaker
I was like, oh, this is so beautiful. We made it. I had watched some surrogate births on YouTube to try to like get myself ready. I love it. Cause she's a research girl. She's a research. It did not work. I was not ready. I was a blubbering, blubbering mess. And, and I don't know if you and I have even talked about this, but we only got to enjoy that moment for about two minutes.
00:49:29
Speaker
And they put a baby story on my chest for about two minutes. She, she wouldn't start crying. She would start and then she would stop. And, uh, eventually the nurses came and said, she's not okay. And we have to go to the NICU. Oh, gosh. Yeah. I feel like PTSD. It very much felt like that. It was some of the same machines that our first daughter was on.
00:49:57
Speaker
It was some of the same phrases like, um, desaturation, meaning she's losing all of her oxygen. Um, her heart rate was getting low. And what we learned was she was a little too eager to get out and she thought she was out into the big deep breath when she was not out yet. So she got a bunch of amniotic fluid. Ah, so now it doesn't feel as scary in the moment. It was like a.
00:50:26
Speaker
I cannot believe we had it for two minutes and that's all we got. And she's, we're back in an IQ and we're back on heart monitors and we're back on breathing tubes. And we're just back in that space for a few minutes. It was not only was it awful to follow her. It had to leave our surrogate who is still very much in the delivery process and not knowing if she's okay. I think she's okay.
00:50:56
Speaker
You know, and like, just kind of grabbing her hand and saying, thank you. As I ran out, the door did not feel sufficient at all. Um, and so we spent three or four days in the NICU before we were able to, to go home. And that was scary, but you know, one of the nurses grabbed my hand and said, Hey, just so you know, 39 weekers are a lot different than 26 weekers.
00:51:27
Speaker
And I was like, oh yeah, you got a good point. This is not gonna be the same story. And so that was beautiful. We got to hang out with our surrogate and her husband a little bit in the hospital. They would come visit the NICU and she was able to hold the baby in the NICU, which was the most beautiful moment to like get to say, hey, meet my daughter. I know you've met her from the inside out, but now she's on the outside.
00:51:58
Speaker
Oh, I love that. I love that. And so story was good. She just got a little feisty. She ended up being fine. She was just a little, a little overly excited. So we watched her for a few days. But then when we were able to finally bring her home, that was like, Oh, we did make it. Oh, we've never brought a baby home before. You know, we were able to,
00:52:25
Speaker
to get to walk in our doors and see our own family. And our family got to meet her and we were able to show her pictures of her big sister and all of it was really sweet. I love that. I love that. So after just all of that, and I know you're still in it, right? Because she's so little.
00:52:48
Speaker
What, what was maybe some of the biggest surprises as you were going through this journey? And then maybe what advice would you give to intended parents as they're maybe discerning their own next steps? Oh, the biggest surprises. I don't know that I ever, who am I getting? Will you be talking about it? I don't know that I would have ever predicted
00:53:18
Speaker
the relationship that I have with our surrogate and that if
Bonding and Family Traditions
00:53:23
Speaker
I had to choose today, if I had to choose between being healthy and being able to carry and having her in our daughter's life, I would pick her. I want her daughter to grow up knowing her. I would never pick to lose our first baby, but I want our daughter to grow up knowing that somebody brave and kind
00:53:45
Speaker
carried her that she is gonna get to know these people and their children for the rest of her life. And those relationships are so rich and beautiful. I would never take that away from her. I would never have predicted that. And so what felt like a not best case scenario has become a best case scenario. I would have never predicted that. I was really surprised.
00:54:15
Speaker
by how long everything takes always. I mean, and it's it's nobody's fault. It just is there are lawyers and there are medical facilities and there are processes involved that just take a while and nobody will ever care about it as much as we care about it. So
00:54:43
Speaker
I'm not very good at personal advocacy. I'm not very good at having direct or hard conversations, but we have gotten good at it in this process, following up with doctors or following up with, um, lawyers and saying, Hey, this has to be done. It has to be done on this date. We've, we've had to practice those skills to the finish line. At one point, I know you,
00:55:09
Speaker
You and I were like tag teaming somebody and emailing them. Yeah. I'm pretty sure we were tag teaming a clinic or something at one point. And it was like, all right, I got it on this day. You get it the next day. I'll follow up on the next day. It was like, we have an army here coming to get this finished. Yes. Yes. Oh my gosh. Definitely surprised. Oh, and the best surprise. There is all of this, I mean,
00:55:37
Speaker
all the blogs, all the forums, all the conversation online about attachment and what this means for attachment and bonding with your baby if you didn't carry them. And it's fine. I wish I'd known like we, we were going to bond the second they put her in my arms. It was not going to be as hard as I thought. It was not going to be this horrible, difficult thing to overcome.
00:56:04
Speaker
I, we are as bonded as my first daughter and I were bonded. It's, it's fine. I wish I had worried so much about that. The attachment grows faster with some people and slower with others and it doesn't matter who gets birth to make that happen.
00:56:23
Speaker
Um, yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Is there anything? So aside from, you know, the, Hey, it's fine. As far as attachment is concerned, what advice would you give to day one? Crystal? Oh, I would have told day one. Crystal to worry about it less. It took up so much brain space for so long.
00:56:53
Speaker
And I was so convinced it wasn't going to work out because nothing else had worked out to this point that I think I didn't get to enjoy a lot of the journey that I would have enjoyed. And, you know, people say if it seems too good to be true, it is, but that's not always the case. Our relationship with our surrogate and their family
00:57:18
Speaker
There's nothing logical about it. It should not have been that easy. It should not have been that good. It should not be this special. And it is. And so sometimes things are just wonderful because they are. And I wish I could go back to day one and say, no, it really is this good.
00:57:39
Speaker
I love that. So I have two more questions for you. So one of the things, and we kind of already mentioned it, you're so good at celebrating Everly. And one of the things that I have admired so much about you and Tom's journey through grief is
00:57:58
Speaker
You have celebrated Mother's Day and Father's Day. You celebrate each other so well. And now you get to celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day coming up with, you know, sweet story. What is, do you think you're going to do something? How are you going to celebrate it this year? What do you think? That's such a good question. I have no idea. We've never had a baby in our house. Yeah.
00:58:25
Speaker
worked so hard to make sure that we can celebrate these milestones with our heavenly daughter. I've never thought about it, but there's going to be a new house this year. There is. It will be so fun. I'm so excited about it. Yeah. I don't know about Mothers and Fathers Day. We are going to continue to celebrate Everly's birthday, and our Christmas tradition will just be part of Story's life.
00:58:55
Speaker
It's, there's always a balance between, I think whether your first child is living or not, a balance between making sure the second one loves them and making sure the second one doesn't feel like second best. And we're already at that tension of like, we want to celebrate Everly, but story has her own life story too, and make sure that she feels honored. So we're going to continue to celebrate Abby's birthday and Christmas day that way. Um, but there's going to be some fun.
00:59:23
Speaker
story milestones that are just hers along the way too. You get new celebrations too. We get new ones. Oh my gosh. I love it. I love it. Okay. My last question as you've sat here and watched me, you know, just with my codependent coffee, what, what filled your cup this morning, whether it's something silly or just something magical, what filled your cup this morning? Oh, it's such a good question. Oh, she has started smiling.
00:59:52
Speaker
Stop it. I don't know if I'm honest. I don't know if it's gas or if she knows what she's doing and I don't care. It's fine. It doesn't matter. It's perfect either way. She just looked at me with that big old smile this morning and I thought
01:00:14
Speaker
I'm so lucky you can't ask for things yet because I would say yes to anything you asked in this moment. It's yours. It's yours. We're making it happen, girlfriend. Oh my goodness. I'm going to find this clip. I'm going to send it to her when she's like five. All right. Here you go, girl. Oh, I love that. I love that so much. Oh my gosh. Well,
01:00:40
Speaker
Seriously, thank you so much for taking the time to not only just reflect on your journey with Everly and motherhood there and now story and her beautiful journey. I am just, I'm so grateful that you were willing to talk about just all of those aspects of your journey. And I am just so excited
01:01:06
Speaker
to celebrate this big moment with you. Oh my gosh, I'm just I could not be happier, could not. Me too. I'm so grateful you're part of this story. It was such a beautiful journey. So we could not say thanks enough times because we get to learn about our little dream now. You do, you do. Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And give my love to everybody. And I just I can't wait to just keep seeing all of your new adventures that you guys are going to go on.
01:01:36
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of the Me, You and Who podcast. We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today.
Community Engagement
01:01:46
Speaker
As we wrap, we would like to remind you of some of the ways to stay connected with us and be part of the Me, You and Who podcast community. Firstly, if you haven't already, make sure to subscribe to our podcast on your favorite platform.
01:02:00
Speaker
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01:02:21
Speaker
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01:02:33
Speaker
You can find us on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok at, at Egg Donor and at Surrogate Solutions. As a friendly reminder, the podcast is made possible by Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions. If you're interested in creating a happy family, visit www.CreateAHappyFamily.com to learn more information. Again, thank you for being part of the me, you, and who community. Your support means the world to us.
01:03:03
Speaker
Until next time, stay curious, stay engaged, and join us next time as we share journeys of creating happy families.