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63. A Year Of Crazy Dichotomy-With Carolina Ravassa
74 Plays4 years ago
Born in Cali, Colombia, Carolina Ravassa has appeared on The Affair opposite Dominic West, Mr. Robot with Bobby Cannavale & Rami Malek, and has done a few shorts with Reggie Watts. She produced, directed, and starred in the webseries Hispanglosaxon, which won an Imagen Award for Best Webseries. She is known for her voice work in the video games Overwatch (Sombra), Valorant (Raze), Grand Theft Auto V (Taliana Martinez), Max Payne III, Red Dead Redemption II, Just Cause 4 and voices on Big City Greens (Disney), Victor and Valentino (Cartoon Network), Loud House (Nickelodeon) and Netflix. She also worked on Step Up 3-D and Maybe Tomorrow.
In this podcast Carolina and I chat about her personal life, more specifically about the end of a ten year relationship at the same time as her character of Sombra, of Overwatch, was becoming very well known. Going to comic cons, being with fans and surrounded with outpouring of love and support, was a dichotomy to her emotional life at that time.
We talk about how people overlook "breakups" and think you "should move on" from them and not see that a breakup is just as hard as a divorce. There are so many layers of grief in breakups that are overlooked in society at times.
Learn more about Carolina Ravassa and the projects she's worked on:
www.carolinaravassa.com
www.hispanglosaxon.com
http://www.imdb.me/carolinaravassa
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest on the podcast or for a coaching session. https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
Music: https://rinaldisound.com/
Logo: https://pamelawinningham.com/
Production: Carlos Andres Londono
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Transcript
A Year of Contrasts: Fame and Solitude
00:00:01
Speaker
That year was the craziest dichotomy for me. I was like enjoying meeting new people, voice actors.
Podcast Introduction: Grief and Gratitude
00:00:10
Speaker
I was meeting famous people left and right that went to these comic-ons. Like I met Chris Hemsworth, you know, like just bumping into people that I never thought I'd be in the same space with, but at the same time, like going back to my hotel room and just like feeling so sad.
00:00:29
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
Host Kendra Rinaldi Introduces Carolina Robasa
00:00:36
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:00:52
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:14
Speaker
Hello, so happy to have you listen in today to this incredible conversation that I'm having with somebody I have not seen for many, many, many, many, many, many.
00:01:24
Speaker
years.
Carolina's Background and Early Connections
00:01:26
Speaker
We are here a little bit more of how we know each other, but the reality is that I'm just super excited to be at least seeing her here, even though you guys are just listening to us. We're actually seeing each other on camera right now. This is Carolina Robasa, who I will be chatting with today. She is originally from Cali, Colombia, where I am from as well, and that's why we know each other. We went to the same school, although years apart in
00:01:49
Speaker
Great. She is an actor. She's a voiceover actor as well as having her own web series, which she actually has produced and directed and starred in as well. Carolina, you won an Imahen Award for that. Is that correct?
00:02:08
Speaker
That's correct. Yes. Yeah. Is that how you say, you say my hand or imagine, imagine, imagine. How do I say that? Imogen award. It's Latin American words. I always say it right. Hispanglo-Saxon. Hispanglo-Saxon. And it is the funniest.
00:02:30
Speaker
thing ever, especially if you're, one of your Latina, if you're a Latina or any minority to some extent, honestly, to watch that.
Living and Thriving in New York City
00:02:39
Speaker
The second reason too, that you, that is, so it's like that part. And if you're an actor too, in the, in the air, you know, and never have been like stereotyped, it's like the most amusing.
00:02:53
Speaker
I love it. So you're so creative. So welcome. Thank you. Thank you for having me. It's so funny because like when I reached out to you was really just for you to like connecting with you for something else to ask you something for my brother. And then I'm like, wait, would you like to be on my podcast?
00:03:10
Speaker
Sure, I have something I'd love to share. And I love what we're going to be talking about because it's really those parallel worlds and stuff of how it is you have this online persona and at the same time connecting with your fans and so forth. But let's talk a little bit more about you. So take us into your upbringing and then where you've lived, you've moved a few times. And so let's go there first.
00:03:35
Speaker
So, I was born and raised in Cali, Colombia, which is where I met you because the first play I ever did as a young child actor in our high school was... Well, it was a school that went from kindergarten all the way to senior year. That's why we connected, right? And the acting bug bit me then. I got to play Gretel opposite you as Maria in the sound of music, which was really beautiful.
00:03:59
Speaker
cute and you are the most adorable little and yeah I probably haven't seen you since since like in person I haven't seen you since I've just seen you grow up but I grew up in in Colombia with a you know multilingual and multicultural household because one of my grandma's was from Wisconsin my other grandfather who I never met was from Spain but my dad kind of
00:04:22
Speaker
incorporated a lot of that cultural stuff into our lives. And then the other half is Colombian. So we spoke English and Spanish at home and I felt very much a bit of both. So when it came time to go to college, my mom and her sisters and my sisters had applied to colleges in the US. So I knew I wanted to study acting and I ended up going to Boston
00:04:46
Speaker
And I studied there for four years in Boston College. And right after that, I moved to New York City to continue a year of like an acting conservatory program. And then I ended up staying because, well, New York is daunting at the beginning. And then all of a sudden you're like, oh my God, I love this city. And so I stayed there for 10 years.
00:05:05
Speaker
That's amazing. You're right in terms of that, that it is daunting. It can be overwhelming, the immensity of it. I don't know what it is that drew you to stay aside from the fact that you're an actor.
00:05:24
Speaker
of course, all the possibilities of stage performance as well as other things that are there. But with the cultural component that is there is so diverse, especially from where we come from that is very limited at exposure to cultures. So what was it that made you just call it your home for 10 years?
00:05:44
Speaker
Well, I think that in college, I started meeting people from India, Kuwait, Argentina, all Filipinos, Brazilians, Japanese. In Colombia, we have a tiny bit of immigrant populations. There's the Jewish community, there's a few Japanese, there's Chinese, there's Lebanese. Yeah, in your class, it'd be like one person that is.
00:06:05
Speaker
And they're also very much Colombianized at this point, or that's what we felt. So I didn't get this diversity, and in college I felt it. And then I also did an exchange program with the Brazilian university for six months, where I learned Portuguese and tried to do capoeira and Afro-Brazilian dance and all sorts of fun things.
00:06:24
Speaker
and so culturally I was already like oh my god loving all of that and feeling really connected so when I got to New York and then I can go to a Brazilian restaurant and practice my Portuguese and then I can bump into an Italian dude on the street and be like oh my gosh like you just feel like you're being bombarded by just people in the street from all different places and also just
00:06:45
Speaker
theater every
Creating a Comedic YouTube Series
00:06:46
Speaker
night, you know, films, music. You can go into any bar and see live music. And so that was just like, oh my gosh, like this sensory overload, which was so magical. That's so awesome. Now, when you were there, what part of New York were in case of the listeners, like what part of New York were you in? And was it like, were you in the Latino section or in the multicultural? Like, where were you?
00:07:09
Speaker
I lived in Astoria, Queens for the first three years, and I was in the Greek section next to the... Oh, you were not in the Colombian section? No. You didn't go to the little empanadas? I found an apartment where I found it, so it was a good price, it was safe, so I felt like that was where it was. But I'd go to Jackson Heights and get Colombian food and stuff.
00:07:29
Speaker
Then I moved to Williamsburg for a couple of years and that was closer to the city. So it was just, gosh, when you're schlepping, I'm Jewish now, I'm schlepping all my stuff on the subway, you know, back and forth. And then you're just like, you live with this huge backpack on your shoulders, living closer to the city or to auditions help. So that was Williamsburg in Brooklyn. And then I moved to Bushwick and that's where I kind of spent my last four years of New York, which was really awesome because I love, love Bushwick.
00:07:54
Speaker
So let's talk about all this now that you ended up adding that. Okay. That sounded like your agent by FYI. That voice was your agent inspiration right there in your Hispang glow. I can never say your series name. I'm like, I have to read it to be able to say it. Tell me, Hispang glow.
00:08:15
Speaker
Yes. Hispanic and Anglo-Saxon. Okay, so Hispanic and Anglo-Saxon. Hispanic and Anglo-Saxon. So you create a whole bunch of different characters there in that. So let's go into that aspect of you then realizing that you were being either typecast or things like that as you were going out on auditions and things like that. Let's talk a little bit of that.
00:08:42
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I'm a paler Latina, if you will. And I, you know, because of my Spanish, we did a 23andMe and we're 92% Southern European, which means Spain. So angular features, you know, I don't I don't look what the Hollywood considers stereotypical Mexican or Puerto Rican. And you're blonde, you were like white haired when you were. Yeah, yeah.
00:09:04
Speaker
I like a little scandinavian boy when i was a kid and so i would go show up to auditions where they wanted a latina and you know casting was so confused they're like you're you recited for the wrong world do you speak spanish and i'd be like yes and they're like
00:09:20
Speaker
are you sure and i'd be like are you questioning me lady and so and but then i'd be auditioning with people like you know it'd be an audition with two people and then this cute very looking Puerto Rican girl would walk in or mexican and and they didn't speak spanish because they grew up in the states but their parents were mexican and but the casting director would not dare ask them if they spoke spanish because it looked like they did so then all of a sudden i find myself in an improv for a commercial and i'm doing my spanish and they're like super stuck
00:09:49
Speaker
with three words and i'm going how ironic that you're questioning my spanish but you don't question theirs because yes we look like the opposite so after a while i just got completely disheartened because it wasn't just at commercials it was for film and tv for theater for a bunch of things where like
00:10:11
Speaker
Man, they just, the feedback wasn't, oh, you know what? She just wasn't, like her acting wasn't good enough. They always tell my manager, she was great, great audition. She just didn't look Latina enough. And like, I'm sure some casting directors probably were like, hey, that audition sucked. But the feedback was always, she wasn't. About your looks, about your looks. Yeah. Incredible. So I just reached a point where, you know, I was kind of having an identity crisis. Like, what am I? I feel Colombian. I feel American, but nobody wants to accept me as either.
00:10:39
Speaker
And even agents were like, I can't represent you because, you know, I just don't know how to sell you. You're not, you know what, you're not Latina and if you're not Caucasian and I've been, it was just like, so, so I just decided to do a little, I thought it was going to be drama and turn it to sketch comedy, which was great. You thought your YouTube thing was going to be drama.
00:10:57
Speaker
Your YouTube series? Look, the first I wrote out all the episodes and they were dramatic. Like I literally wrote out what happened to me. So I didn't change the words. It was just like, you know, a scene that had happened to me. I would write it out. And then as I started acting it, like I play myself and then the opposite character who's in a wig and whatever.
00:11:15
Speaker
that that character started making funny faces and then there would be like I would hold on certain reaction shots and then in the end it was like this is funny because it's unbelievable but I realized that as I started editing I didn't I didn't know when I went in that this was gonna be like funny so then I leaned into that you know because nobody wants to watch three-minute little dramatic pieces they want to watch comedy
00:11:38
Speaker
People want to watch comedy. That's awesome. And so you would just film yourself. You would do everything yourself. Everything. All the editing, filming. How long would it take you for one episode? Each episode is about, what, five minutes? Three to four minutes. Yeah. So how long would it take you the process of recording yourself being different characters plus the editing? Yeah. Close all that. I never like quantified that, but like,
00:12:02
Speaker
so I took a while writing them out so I had all that organized and I'd had I'd already done some little test shots with like okay this wig because I went through phases like this wig could be the manager no no wait what if I use this wig so I kind of like was borrowing wigs so I was trying to figure out which one made sense more for each character once I was shooting it would take about three hours to shoot the whole episode so first I would shoot Carolina going in doing her thing make sure I had all of those shots then I would turn it around and I'd put on the wig and do the character and I would shoot a bunch of that
00:12:31
Speaker
So like, and usually after I'd shoot the three hours, I'd be a little tired. So I'm like, okay, I'll, you know, I'll look at this later. And then the next day I'd go in and start piecing it together. But yeah, it's funny, like an episode of three minutes can take, you know, maybe six hours to do.
00:12:46
Speaker
But I was also very basic. Like I wasn't using fancy sound. I was literally just using the iPhone microphone. I didn't have fancy lights. I would always shoot in daylight because I didn't have lights. And so it wasn't like a full set where it just is more complicated. This was like super handmade and that's why like at the beginning of my series I would write
00:13:07
Speaker
you know, made with an iPhone, iMovie and borrowed wigs to let people know like, this isn't about fancy production value. It's about the story and the characters because I'm not trying to be Hollywood here, you know? No, and that I think speaks so much because that's the thing. A lot of times, any of us and anything that we do, we limit ourselves to be like fully prepared
00:13:28
Speaker
to do anything in life. We're like, no, until I have this, until I
Pandemic Adaptations: Voice Acting and Home Studios
00:13:32
Speaker
have this. And we stop ourselves and limit ourselves from being able to achieve. When I started this podcast, I have no clue what I was going to do. I just started interviewing, then I'll figure out how it is. I'm going to do the post-production and all that. I'll figure it out. You figure it out as you go along. And that's, I think, sometimes what we have to do because if not, then we hinder so much
00:13:51
Speaker
creativity and other things that could come up. That's awesome that you just did it that way. You're still recording some of these episodes? You've moved since. We're going to that, but there's going to be a few chapters now. We're going to start touching on the aspects of the grief component, relationships, and as well as with moving and stuff. Are you done filming? Are you still shooting some episodes now in LA that you're in LA?
00:14:18
Speaker
I did two seasons in New York, then I went through a horrible heartbreak where I was reorganizing my life. That first year was just dealing with a lot of grief.
00:14:30
Speaker
the year after I moved to LA and I was kind of figuring out my bearings here. So it almost took me two years to then go, hey, I miss my characters. So I decided to do an extra season and I thought that was going to be the last one. I kind of at the end, the last episode is Carolina calling them like a season desist, like stop impersonating me. It's kind of a joke. It's all inside jokes within myself. It's kind of ridiculous. But then the pandemic hit.
00:14:55
Speaker
and i thought what more perfect than to shoot myself in my house because nobody else is here and i'm by myself and so i kind of made a joke about how the character like carolina gets depressed during the pandemic because she can't go to comic cons to meet fans so then the fan the the the characters have to
00:15:12
Speaker
Create how to videos for YouTube hoping to go viral to pay the bills so I kind of just create these scenarios so that to put them in uncomfortable situations and then the characters are like This is how you cook pasta. This is how you do a makeup tutorial and they're obviously all failures So I kind of was setting them up to fail on purpose and that was the last one I the last one I think I I published them in I
00:15:36
Speaker
May or June and that's that's been it for now. I love how you said that you missed your characters is like they become like this other like a companion, right? It's like this conversation with with yourself with my especially with the pandemic if you're like by yourself you I don't know if you have roommate or whatever but it's like you're like
00:15:55
Speaker
Oh my gosh. It's like, I guess I could just at least talk to my characters, have these conversations. And you're right. Like if there were no additions for a while too, that it's something else that you could at least be using your talents in some way. It was the perfect project to do by myself in my apartment without any help because literally that's how I had been doing it. So I didn't need to go shoot on the street. I didn't need, I had all my wigs here. I had my iPhone here. It was like, it was a perfect little,
00:16:23
Speaker
isolated environment. Perfect. Now, let me ask you with being from home, being your voiceover actor, do you record at home or do you have to go to studio when you record for voiceover? I used to always go into the studios to record actual bookings. For auditions, I have a little microphone that I set up here and audition with. But when the pandemic hit,
00:16:43
Speaker
You know, they were basically saying, if you don't have a home studio set up, we can't have you audition. So I bought a microphone and I set it up in my tiny closet and I recorded my closet now. So I had recorded Nickelodeon and Disney and Cartoon Network from my closet. From your closet. And then your character, the one that we're also going to the people know you from Comic Con is Sombra.
00:17:04
Speaker
So from Overwatch, so that one you go into record or do you still even have to record or is it already pretty much what you've recorded as what they use and edit for any kind of episode that they do in the games? I don't even know. For her? Because I don't play. My son plays with your games. I don't.
00:17:22
Speaker
Yeah, for Sombra and Raze, another one that I do for Riot Games, they have what we call downloadable content. So every couple months, new voice lines come out. So yes, we do record here and there for new stuff. And Overwatch 2 is in the making, so that's another project that I'll be recording for. But we go into their studios for that. They've been, actually, I lie!
00:17:50
Speaker
I've recorded stuff for my closet sometimes depending on what is ebbing and flowing during the pandemic They have us going to a studio because it can be very safe You know, we're just in a booth by ourselves or we record from home depending on what they prefer. So it's been a mix Yeah, so when you were in New York, do they have a studio there as well? So they have studios in LA and they have studios in New York
00:18:10
Speaker
They have Blizzard is based here in California, but they just hire out a recording studio that they work with because they have people in London, they have people in Egypt, they have people in France. So I think it's just like they have a recording studio they work with and they source connect and do the session and that's it. But it's not like Blizzard has, you know, I think maybe Blizzard has offices in Glasgow or something, but you know, it's like
00:18:32
Speaker
Okay.
Balancing Personal Grief with Professional Life
00:18:33
Speaker
Okay. So they just hire out of their other episode. Okay. So let's go back again to New York. You had established yourself. That was your life. So you, 10 years, you're there. You create friendships, relationships, love. Yes. Let's talk about love, breakup, and being still in the public eye and these comic cons. And how do you deal with having to deal with your emotions at the same time as. Yeah.
00:19:03
Speaker
being here with fans and so forth. So where do you want to start with all that? Yeah, well, the timing was really insane. Basically, the whole 10 years that I was in New York, I had a partner. And it was towards the last maybe four years that we lived together. But we were these hippies that were maybe never going to move in together. So New York for me was 10 years with this person. And Sombra came out in November.
00:19:32
Speaker
And in December, he broke my heart. So all of a sudden, my Twitter is growing, my Instagram's growing, I'm getting invited to Comic-Cons and they're planning for March, we'd love you in Houston, April, we'd like you in Las Vegas. And I'm like, oh my gosh. And like, it's the first time that I'm kind of getting any sort of recognition for my acting work. And then I'm being invited to speak on panels at Comic-Cons and stuff. And so it was like,
00:20:02
Speaker
It was like, thank you universe for sending me this, but also, oh my God, I want to fully enjoy this and it's really hard because I'm so devastated. So I remember, I think the first trip I did was to South by Southwest because I got invited to speak there as a Latina in video games. And I remember just walking the streets of Austin, wanting to enjoy the live music, but like just feeling so empty.
00:20:33
Speaker
And it was just like, that was three months into my breakup. So like, I'm sorry, let me silence this. So after 10 years of being with somebody and then like, I'm just in the third month of this grief, right? So I would put my face together for like the panel and, oh my God, Sombra, I love you so much. Oh my God, Sombra, you've helped me during this time. Oh my God. And I'd be like, thank you, thank you, thank you. And you know, the happiness
00:21:00
Speaker
and joy and fulfillment was absolutely authentic because I am in the present moment experiencing this and listening to them. And I got to be there with the writer of Overwatch who we did a panel together and he's just brilliant. He wanted to go out to dinner to these like great barbecue places. And I'm there just going, yes, just focus on the present moment. Robasa goes, or else you're going to crumble. But like I'd go back to the apartment where I was staying and I just fall apart because then it was like after this huge high,
00:21:29
Speaker
Yeah, and then all the like the adrenaline stops and you like, you know, so that that year was the craziest dichotomy for me, I was like,
00:21:43
Speaker
enjoying meeting new people, voice actors. I was meeting famous people left and right that went to these comic cons. Like I met Chris Hemsworth, you know, like just bumping into people that I never thought I'd be in the same space with, but at the same time, like going back to my hotel room and just like feeling so sad, you know.
00:22:03
Speaker
Like just
Yoga and Spiritual Practice as Coping Mechanisms
00:22:04
Speaker
the loneliness and also not having somebody to be able to share what you had just experienced that day to come home to that as well. Did you feel that?
00:22:15
Speaker
Absolutely. I mean, it was, it was just this roller coaster of emotions because again, people say, Oh, so like, is it authentic when you meet fans? I'm like, absolutely, because I'm looking into their eyes and they're telling me their personal story of how Overwatch has affected them. And I'm so in the moment and we'll get into that. I love, I, I want to talk to you about this too, because like, it's just so interesting how, uh, some people have, have,
00:22:40
Speaker
been helped to get through grief with video games so that was something that i was really fascinated by um so it's almost like like like i help the fans you were helping them that is so beautiful that when you when you mentioned that that's what we were going to be talking about is like wow i love that it's like we never know
00:22:58
Speaker
the impact we're having on somebody else's life and vice versa in those connecting moments, right? So yeah, they were filling your cup in ways and at least distracting and at the same time showing you love, right? While you were going through so much pain, but you were doing the same for them. So that's so pretty. And it was, you know, it was a really great reason to get up and out of bed. You had to show your face a Comic Con, right?
00:23:27
Speaker
And I was always very driven and I got my shit together real fast and like, okay, I'm going to redo my apartment and paint this wall and change stuff around because I needed to create my own home. But I was also all of a sudden paying rent by myself of an apartment that had been paid for by two people. So the timing was crazy that I would get to travel for four days of the month to somewhere.
00:23:51
Speaker
and I would Airbnb my apartment. So that's how I'd rent, make ends meet because, you know, people think Blizzard has employed us and all of a sudden, you know, we're famous Sombra. And so we have a ton of money, but like, that's not the case at all. You know, I get paid my session fees and I'm still living my starving artist life. So I was like, how the hell am I going to make ends meet? So I was being really resourceful. Okay. I'm traveling to, you know, Houston these days. This is when I'm going to rent my apartment. And luckily I had a really cute apartment. So it would rent every time.
00:24:17
Speaker
And New York City? Absolutely. So I would cover a good portion of the rent with that and then I'd come back and clean. I was a little cleaning lady for the place for when they would arrive. And then it was just like I was doing a lot that year to kind of keep it moving. And I made sure to go to yoga every day, no matter what would happen. I knew I had to roll out of bed and do that if it was the only thing I did because I knew that that kept me
00:24:42
Speaker
breathing deeply. Let's talk more about that. Okay. So you just touched on something so important. These were the tools then that you were using in your grief journey. And by the way, like this is so important that we talk about breakups and relationships being an aspect of grief because people have this idea and maybe you had this with friends and stuff like, oh, move on. He didn't deserve you. Those kinds of things, just kind of like brushing it away.
00:25:08
Speaker
yet people don't do that when it comes necessarily to divorce. But in relationships, when it's not marriage, it's a little more discarded and they don't really take into consideration the amount of commitment and emotional commitment and other things too because you've already created your whole life and your head of what your future is going to look like and then all of a sudden the rug is pulled from under you.
00:25:34
Speaker
Let's talk. You had been practicing yoga for many... Did you practice yoga in Colombia or did you only start when you came to the States? You're good because you've done modeling for yoga too, right? Shouts for that? For fun? You're so good. Beautiful poses. The ones you've posted, I'm like, gosh, they're stunning.
00:25:56
Speaker
You know, it's funny, I started yoga in college. I mean, I think I did a few little yoga exercises while doing theater in Colombia, but I didn't understand what it could do. I started yoga in college because I had heard it was good for, you know, anxiety. And my first semester of college, I was actually very depressed.
00:26:14
Speaker
Um, or I, I don't know if depression is the word. Maybe I was just sad. I can't like, you were, might've been grieving. You might've been grieving. You had just moved from your home. You're living, you moved away from your parents. Oh gosh. Yeah. Yeah. It's totally different culture, culture, weather, everything.
00:26:32
Speaker
Yeah, and I was studying more than I'd ever studied in my life, and it was hard to keep up, you know, and so I went to this one yoga class when I first got to college, and after like, after a few months of me feeling really down, and I just remember crying throughout that whole yoga class, silently. It wasn't like the teacher was like, you know, observing, but I just remember like us breathing so deeply, I was just like,
00:26:56
Speaker
And I was releasing stuff and at the end the yoga teacher was like, you guys are all so beautiful. And I remember thinking, oh my God, thank you.
00:27:05
Speaker
And I walked out of there like I was walking on air. Like for the first time I had taken a really freaking deep breath and just settled. And then I was like yoga is magic because I just needed to, to, as actors, we need to breathe through everything we do. But this was like this whole other level of releasing stress and toxins and hell. And so then I realized, okay, I need, I need yoga in my life. And,
00:27:29
Speaker
It took me a few years to understand, oh, I need yoga every day to work as a proper functioning human being, because I would do it and then I'd forget and I'd work out, because I'd always work out at the gym, but I wouldn't do yoga for weeks, and then I'd go back and do it and be like, wait, why don't I do this? And it wasn't until I was living in Brazil that I started doing these classes, these Ashtanga classes with a fabulous teacher,
00:27:54
Speaker
made me realize like how much more advanced it could be. So I started connecting back to my gymnastics when I was in sixth grade and I was doing handstands and forearm stands and all these things. And I was like, Oh, yoga is, is mental, but it's also, it can also be this very challenging physical thing. So I kind of connected like the really complicated stuff physically with how the mental clarity it gives you. And now like since then I realized I, I want to do yoga five times a week.
00:28:21
Speaker
And I've been doing it like that for like 15 years. So five times a week for 15 years. It's like prayer or meditation or anything. Do you feel like yoga is your spiritual practice? Absolutely. It is for your spiritual practice. And sometimes I try to do a whole yoga class with my eyes closed. I'll just listen to the teacher and I'll do the things. Of course, if I need to handstand, I'm not going to do my eyes closed.
00:28:46
Speaker
I just go in somewhere and I just do the things and breathe deeply. And sometimes the muscles burn, but you just keep going. Um, and for me, it's been helpful. You know, and I remember during my breakup, a friend was saying, go to a boxing class. You need to release anger. And, and I went to a boxing class and it did nothing for me. And I thought, no, I don't, I mean, yes, I'm angry, but I also, I need to breathe through my stuff, not punch through it. So I think everybody finds what they need, you know, like runners or I love rollerblading too. That gives me joy.
00:29:16
Speaker
So, you know, it's like what, what is going to connect you to, to your mind and body, I think is what gets your emotional time. Yeah. And it's not the same for everybody. You're absolutely right. Now you mentioned teachers who you normally do yoga with an instructor, or do you follow your own practice? Well, I, yeah, I was doing it with teachers and then, uh, I got certified to teach yoga in New York. Uh, and I thought, okay, I'll be a yoga teacher while I'm pursuing my acting career. And I taught for a while, but.
00:29:44
Speaker
Yoga teaching is its own career, you know, and it's, I realized like, if I'm going to do this, I need to be committed 100% and it was just too much to do both. So, and then I started not liking yoga because I was teaching it too much and not practicing enough. So now I just practice yoga. I've been going to studios for years and during the pandemic, you know, I, we started doing it at home. So I, I do like putting a video on because I like getting challenged and I like
00:30:11
Speaker
Following some guidance not having to think about what I'm gonna do Just take me on a journey that I'm not planning because I fall into the same routine on my by myself Even though I can create a yoga class by myself I kind of like being led and there's some poses I hate so I'll never want to do them on my own But if the teacher says okay, do camel pose you're like, okay fine. I'll do camel pose
00:30:31
Speaker
So I kind of need that kick in the butt. And that's why, you know, YouTube has been a lifesaver. I love what you said that taking me on a journey, it just made me think of even just why we are even why we even watch movies or why we do, you know, things like that. It's that aspect of sometimes we just need to be just taken on these journeys to be able to even connect with certain things of ourselves. So I don't know when you said that.
00:30:57
Speaker
And I also like, without getting like hokey pokey in the universe, I think that I've had experiences where you have, why can't you get no, because totally, totally. But I also believe yoga can help the really grounded mind. So then they get like turned off by it. But like, I've had moments where a yoga teacher who I've never met, and who doesn't know anything about my life,
00:31:20
Speaker
trying to you know create a metaphor for this position and she says you know when we open our hearts up this is what happens and then vulnerability and whatever and then all of a sudden you do a heart opener and I'm here dealing with my heartbreak and I'm just like and immediately I start crying and it's not because
00:31:37
Speaker
It's like almost like there are positions that release certain things. Like women also retain a lot of stress in the hips. So when we do hip openers, it's like letting out stuff. So, and men in the shoulders. So once you learn these things and you're like, Oh, I need certain positions to like release certain things. And for me, it was beautiful that like this teacher who doesn't know me is explaining something and it's totally speaking to me personally. And I needed that that day, you know? Um,
00:32:03
Speaker
One, oh my God, one crazy example was I was in, I was, again, that year was so hard in New York. The subsequent years have been hard. It's been four years.
00:32:14
Speaker
It's been four years. There's no time for grieving, honestly. This happens even with people that are widows or widowers. They still are grieving their loved one, even if they found somebody else, because there's still an aspect of that. There's something that you still aren't missing, of course. The time is nothing. Go ahead. I guess I always think that first year was hard, and then I'm like, no, the first three years are hard.
00:32:39
Speaker
And that, uh, I remember just, I, it was, everything seemed like a dark cloud, but I, again, I would go to my yoga class. I'd go to my yoga class and I went to this one and the teacher is, uh, you know, having us go into handstands because she says that sometimes we have to change the perspective, you know, and see things upside down. And I had been silently crying in the back through that whole class because I just like couldn't get it together. And then we, we try that handstand and I get up in the handstand.
00:33:07
Speaker
Holy cow. I hold that handstand like a metal rod for like a minute. Like straight. And I was just in awe of myself. Like I and I'd never held it. I don't think I've ever held a handstand like that ever again. It was just this like my hands were these grounded roots because she was saying that they were like the roots of a tree upside down, right? Because usually it's our feet. But this empowered you.
00:33:32
Speaker
Yeah. And I just remember thinking, man, no matter how sad or weak I feel, my body's telling me I'm so strong and that I can do it. And for me,
Family and Friends: Pillars of Support
00:33:44
Speaker
it was just like it just changed my day, that little action. And I was like,
00:33:49
Speaker
Oh my God, I can do this. And of course the next day I felt like crap again because it is this ebb and flow, but I just remember thinking, okay, little victories every day, kind of make it all up. Yes.
00:34:04
Speaker
No, that's such a good way. And you said that she made you guys stand up to see things in a different perspective. And it did that for you because you saw really that as much as you were going through so much heartbreak and you felt so weak, you actually were strong. So it changed your perspective being in that pose. And yeah, you probably would have not
00:34:24
Speaker
had that, had you done that pose on your own, it was the words accompanied with the action, the words of the instructor coming in. So yeah. So yoga, then huge, huge part of your journey and your tools and your grief journey. Your friendships is that family. Tell us a little bit about that and what other tools.
00:34:45
Speaker
I mean, I've been really lucky that since our childhood, my mom and dad, but my dad specifically was always like, your sisters are going to be your best friends always, you know, because we would fight a lot as kids. And so he was trying to remind us that we had to make friends with our sisters. And, you know, as we grew older, we started understanding each other differently. And my
00:35:08
Speaker
Right after the breakup, my older sister was supposed to fly back to Europe, but she asked her job if she could work remotely and flew to New York to be with me.
00:35:17
Speaker
Because I, this was, like you said, it was a relationship. And so people didn't see it like, oh, you know, a divorce, but it was a 10 year relationship. So that's like a freaking marriage, you know? So she came to help me clean up my apartment, move stuff around, change the energy, make it my own. And my little sister was already living in New York. What a cutie. She went to pick me up at four in the morning.
00:35:40
Speaker
in a rented car, so wouldn't have to like deal with a subway a lot like, you know, like we came to each other's rescue. So that was really beautiful. And then I've just had really good girlfriends my whole life. And, you know, all of a sudden, you just like you create this clan of witches, her coven, you know, and, and since then, you know, every one of my girlfriends has gone through a breakup, and we all just like show up when it's needed, because you know,
00:36:06
Speaker
that it can be so, so hard, especially after a really long relationship that you thought was going to take you into, you know, the rest of your life. So I've always, I've always prided myself in creating really good friendships, because they've just, they've shown up and I show up when I when they need me and vice versa. So and of course, my parents, but you know, they were in Colombia, so we'd FaceTime and we'd talk, but
00:36:29
Speaker
I think that when people just show up with a bottle of wine at your house, you're like, thanks, I needed that. That's something important that you just said. It's not even just that not everybody has to show up the same way. Some people is that gesture of just like, hey Carolina, I want to go to a movie or
00:36:47
Speaker
You want that showing up with the bottle of wine, like you said, that speaks to you. Everything is going to be a little bit different as to how people are going to support you. Your sister driving to pick you up, the other one leaving her job in Europe to be with you. Everybody just serves in a different way and it doesn't have to look all the same because you don't need 10 people leaving their jobs and moving in with you.
00:37:09
Speaker
Right. You don't want that. Exactly. You don't want that. Yeah. You want some of the people that are just going to be the ones that you're going to call them. They're just going to make you laugh. Like not talk about your breakup at all. Like that that's your therapy that you're going to chat with them and talk and others that are. Yeah. So it's it's different what we all can offer somebody that is grieving. And you know what's interesting? That was one of the things that I was able to kind of grasp onto and relate to fans because
00:37:38
Speaker
We, I think we'll, we'll weave in and out of the, you know, all of that. Yeah, this is not linear. I always tell people, my conversations are not linear just as grief. Oh no, people can fast forward if they think we've talked too much about whatever that's up to them, what they want to do with this episode, but I just have a conversation.
00:37:59
Speaker
Because what happened was I remember, you know, at the beginning most fans kind of express how much they love Sombra and how much everything's so great. And then all of a sudden now that joy somebody comes up and says, you know, I was suicidal and playing Overwatch really helped me and actually saved me. And then all of a sudden you have to switch gears, you know, and you have to be very present and listen and go, oh,
00:38:22
Speaker
wow, I'm so sorry. And I, you know, I'm not a therapist. So I was like, shit, what do I respond to this? You know, what did you, and what would you respond to in those kinds of situations? Well, at the beginning I was just, I kind of was like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm so glad, you know, overwatch was able to help you, you know, uh, thank you for sharing that. And I, you know, we'd hug and I'd look in their eyes and I'd tell them how amazing I thought they were, um, or highlight something, you know, those eyelashes are so beautiful. And then they'd feel, Oh my gosh, you know, some breath said this about me and I,
00:38:52
Speaker
And I don't feel beautiful, but I want to believe her. And then I realized, you know, when one kid came up and he said he'd felt suicidal, I looked at him and he was so tall. I just remember he was like seven feet tall, but I put my hands up on his shoulders and I said, promise me that the next time you're feeling down, you're going to reach out or feeling these dark thoughts. You're going to reach out to somebody that you love and that loves you and that can help you because, um,
00:39:19
Speaker
I said you can write to me on Instagram, but I can't respond to all the messages. And if I don't see your message, that's not going to be good. So you need to reach out to the people who you have in your life.
00:39:31
Speaker
in this moment that take care of you because a lot of fans meet us and think that we have the answers to life which we don't just because we've succeeded and they think that we have the secret to the universe but we don't as I'm telling you I was grieving while they thought everything was fine in my life and I wasn't trying to hide that part of my life but I wasn't ready to share it either
00:39:51
Speaker
And so for me, it's been very important to remind them that they can't expect one meeting with us to change everything. So they need to have their own network of support that makes sense in Arkansas, in Ohio, in wherever they live. Because me living in LA, I'm not gonna be able to help them when they need it. If at two in the morning they're thinking suicidal thoughts,
00:40:18
Speaker
who can they call that already knows that they've been going through this and they need that companion at that moment let it be a friend a partner a parent a grandmother like and so that was you know for me it was very clear like i could call certain people at two in the morning and i would call other people at five in the morning like who do you call when and just kind of have that
00:40:39
Speaker
ready to go and if you don't have friends because so many people say I don't have friends let's make an effort to start making friends you know connect with that friend online that you're playing overwatch with and start sharing with them and maybe they'll be your close friend and then you'll start opening up because
00:40:55
Speaker
That's what it is. You know, people think they can't trust somebody, but it's like, as soon as we open up to be more vulnerable, that's when we're going to start sharing these things and maybe realizing, I felt the same. Oh, my God. Let's help each other through this. You know, how beautiful is that?
00:41:10
Speaker
It's so true. I think that that's the key. Vulnerability just opens up that window of connection that, like you said, like we never realized somebody else has gone through something we have until we share that we've gone through something so hard. It's like people don't realize. So yeah, that's true. And that's a really good way of really making close friendships because you're sharing
00:41:32
Speaker
you're sharing something that's personal and connecting in this kind of soul level to somebody else and that can create those bonds. Now, I'm so glad that you would tell them to create their own circle of support because that must have felt so heavy on your shoulders to be
00:41:50
Speaker
As Carolina, you know, as an actor here, people seeing you as this persona that's suddenly going to save them. Because Sombra is a badass, right? Totally. That's her character? Okay. So if they think that this character is you, you know, it's like, you can't save them. They have to save themselves. And to have that responsibility,
00:42:18
Speaker
Oh, I can't even imagine the overwhelm at the beginning when you're getting this until you kind of found how to be able to communicate with them. Like how
Empathy and Connection with Fans
00:42:26
Speaker
were you navigating these emotions and getting home after you've come from a Comic Con, you've had this again, back again to the word dichotomy that you've mentioned of these emotions, people being like, Oh my God, you're like the baby.
00:42:38
Speaker
And then others being like, I was about to take my life yet. Overwatch save me. How did you come to terms with that? I mean, I think it's been a process. I think that luckily, even talking, so when we go to cons, there's other guests that are there. So we all sit at these tables and then we break for lunch. And so we'll see each other in the green room. And sometimes it'll be like, holy cow, I just met somebody who
00:43:03
Speaker
And they go, Oh man, and what would you say? Well, I said this, Oh wow, you know, this happened to me once and I did this. I'm like, Oh my God, that's brilliant. Thank you. Like, it's almost like we started sharing information on how to properly be there for somebody when they are.
00:43:18
Speaker
you know, saying this kind of stuff. I think that there's there's been different different ways, you know, at the beginning, I think that because I was also going through my grief, I would at the end of the day need to get back to my hotel room and sit in a tub for a while. You know, I either you need to sit in the tub and crash or you need like a bottle of tequila. But you know, I think that
00:43:44
Speaker
There was a lot of release on my end, like letting out my sadness, but also like everything you received in the day because it was eight hours of nonstop interaction where you're
00:43:56
Speaker
you know, you're being very present for everybody who comes up to your table. So yes, and it still is difficult. Like after a day of a con, you're like, oh, I got me a glass of wine, you know, because it's just regardless if it's not any negative stories or dark stuff, it can be taxing and exhausting, right? But I think that I've just learned that people want to be heard.
00:44:19
Speaker
And people want to be seen. So a lot of times I don't have to have the perfect answer. They just want to share, Hey, Sombra. So, uh, I was going through postpartum depression and while I was dealing with this, my husband would take the baby for two hours a day and I would play Overwatch and Overwatch got me through it. And I'd be like,
00:44:37
Speaker
That's amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that. And they're like, yeah, and I'm doing really well now. And here's my baby. Can you boop him on the nose? So I'd boop the baby. And it sometimes, so sometimes people weren't looking for answers. They just wanted to share that. And then that was just beautiful to hear. Um, but I also think that I've taken from my own experience and been able to say, you know, some days really suck. And some days you just want to stay in bed and not do anything. And that's okay.
00:45:03
Speaker
But you wake up the next morning and do something that you love. Go on a walk.
00:45:08
Speaker
or call that friend or, you know, like there are different coping mechanisms and being able to relay that, you know, one of our friends on Overwatch publicly mentions he's got anxiety issues. So anytime we talk about that on a panel, he says, guys, there's nothing that a cold or a hot shower isn't going to help. And if you get into in your head, get up, move around, take yourself for a walk because we get locked up in here and then we don't know what to do. But we need to move the body, get back into your body. And so it's cute because he's trying to, you know, share this
00:45:37
Speaker
because it's how he deals with anxiety. And so I want to share how I've dealt with grief if they're dealing with that, because we all have different coping mechanisms and some people drink and some people, you know, but I do think that there are ways that everyone, everyone can find what works best for them, you know.
00:45:53
Speaker
Yeah, and some are escape mechanisms, some are coping, some are escape, right? So it's also determining at what point our escape that we think that is a way of also helping us cope is actually just a way of not dealing. So there's a balance, right, too, which can happen as well. I'm sure in the video gaming world is a lot of times it's like, let me just go on this alternate reality because I don't want to deal with my own. And when it goes for too long, then that's a problem.
00:46:23
Speaker
Yeah, right. If it's in a way that it's manageable, that you're still able to still be able to deal with your emotions in the present, that's good. Same would happen with alcohol or things like that. If you're using that to not have to necessarily deal with your present, then there could be...
00:46:40
Speaker
But you're right, like everybody goes through things and goes through similar things and has different tools they use to go through those things. So sharing is important because a tool that worked for you might work for me, maybe not, but it might work for my neighbor and it might work for, you know, it's like, you never know, you never know. So that's amazing that you've learned to be open now.
00:47:03
Speaker
talking about the character, are people expecting you when they meet you to be the character? And we're talking about somebody just because that's the one that you're most known for in the public eye. So do, do, yeah. Is there like this? Um, I mean, put it this way. And this is going to be like, is there an expectation hangover to some extent for some of the fans when they meet you and they're like, Oh, wait, you're not exactly that. Or is it more like the other way around? Like, Oh my gosh, you're even more awesome than the
00:47:33
Speaker
I think they expect me to be more sassy like Sombra and then I'm just kind of like a bubble of energy So they're like, oh my god, you know, this is so exciting And and then they realized that we're more approachable than they thought like I think sometimes they're a little intimidated and then I'm like chill
00:47:52
Speaker
what's going on? And I hugged them, you know, this was pre COVID. And so then they'll be like, Oh, thank you. You know, I didn't I didn't think you'd want to hug me. And I'm like, why not? You know, so they wouldn't think you'd be approachable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the character is probably not as it's colder than you, but you are warmer. You're right. Now, how about this? Do they get surprised? Because your character has an accent. Do they get surprised when they realize you don't?
00:48:17
Speaker
no and no one's ever you know sometimes they go oh wow i hear some brand your normal voice too and i'm like well yeah i mean i do her but uh no i think sometimes i'll just be like hey you know nice to meet you and then i'll ask what their favorite voice line is because i'm gonna write it on their you know autographed print and then they say you know oh i like mess with the best and die like the rest and so i look at them and i go mess with the best and die like the rest and they're like
00:48:42
Speaker
whoa that was so cool you know so i see them geek out and or they look at their parents like
00:48:48
Speaker
That's how she does it in the game. And so I think that that's really cute when they, I don't know, all of that. And then they get reminded of what happens in the game with specific voice lines. So if I use my ultimate, which is my ultimate power, they go, oh my god, that gives me PTSD because I know I'm going to die because Sombra is going to kill me. So it's just funny stuff. But I think that I've had mostly great experiences.
00:49:15
Speaker
I'm trying to think if like, I don't think I've ever had a negative experience. Like, so I think at one point, you know, one kid was like, you know, you ignore me on social media. And I looked at him and I said, Oh, man. So have you seen my Instagram? Like, it's impossible to respond to everybody. I don't ignore you. I think you're, you know, it's just I'm human, too. And on weekends, I like to spend time with my family. So I'm not going to stay stuck to my phone looking at everyone's comment. And I also need my life. So if you respect that, and he's like, Oh, wow. Yeah, I hadn't thought about it like that. Thank you. You know, like,
00:49:46
Speaker
So, but besides that, you know, everyone who's come up to me, obviously they're coming up because they like the game and they like Sombra. So if anything, sometimes they just start crying because they're so nervous or, or they have a, you know, a story to tell. One of the ones that really, really affected me was this, this girl came up really shyly and
00:50:04
Speaker
And then she left, and then she came back later, and then she said, you know, this is for my sister. And I said, okay, what's your sister's name? She said, Kat. So I start writing Kat on the print, and she goes, she died a month ago. And I was like, what? And I thought, oh my God, did I hear wrong? Like, why am I writing this out to her sister who passed? So I looked at her, I said, what happened? She goes, she was in a car accident, but I had promised her that I was going to bring her here to meet you.
00:50:34
Speaker
And I was like, and so she starts crying. And so I start crying and then I get up and I hug her and she said, but we're Mexican and we're celebrating day of the dead soon. So I want to put this print on her altar. And I was like, wow, like I'm honored that my prints going to be on the altar of your sister's day of the dead, you know,
00:50:59
Speaker
celebration but i was also like oh my god what do you do with this you know it's like it's so sad she was just gonna turn 21 like what so i'm hugging her and i'm crying and i'm just telling her like you know make sure you
00:51:14
Speaker
connect with your family right now because it's a really important time and like I'm just saying I guess what I would want to do in that situation because I can't imagine what else you know and so then she leaves and then I just sit there and I'm like holy shit what just happened you know so I had to recoup you know and luckily the the girl we always get assistance at our table and she realized what was happening so she went to the line and said just give us a second and because I was like taking extra time with this girl because how could I not you know
00:51:43
Speaker
How long ago was this, Carolina? Because it's still something that it's affecting you. So how long ago was this? Over a year ago.
00:51:54
Speaker
Yeah. The, the amazingness of those emotions, because one of the things is when you're hearing sister, right? So she, he or she is doing that for your sister. So it's like, even though you have not experienced that, and that's the thing with grief, like we may not necessarily, and this is grief in any kind, right? In this case, relating to somebody's grief when somebody's died, you have not experienced that, but you know what it is to have a sister.
00:52:19
Speaker
and you know that aspect. And so relating to that pain, whether we've felt it or not, that is so important in order, that empathy, right? That empathy component and you have it so beautifully in you. And I think that that's what makes fans connect with you as well. And it's because you have that, you have innate empathy and it's beautiful.
00:52:46
Speaker
I also think it's like, it's a real interaction, right? Like, it's not just this online thing that you read and you can kind of dismiss and she's there taking the time to tell me this. Like, you know, I almost feel like if you don't react emotionally, then you're dead inside, you know? But I remember right after that convention, oh, God, I can't remember what state it was in, Kentucky or something. It's like, welcome, you know, with the concerts.
00:53:14
Speaker
It is. Hello, Kentucky. Oh, wait. No. Hello, Texas. Yeah. But after that, I went to my first convention ever in Bogotá, which was really exciting because I got to drag my parents. Yeah. So the fans, the Colombian fans. Yeah. It was crazy. It was crazy. And so, you know, it was a panel and it was full of people and my parents were like,
00:53:40
Speaker
my aunt. What are these kids like what they were so confused that they couldn't understand the phenomenon but um I told that story on the panel because they said you know what are one of the most like what's happened recently that you feel like Sombra is like of how how it's affected you and because Sombra also has two day of the dead outfits so like it's just very connected to Mexican culture um and
00:54:03
Speaker
So I told that story and then I proceed to go sign autographs for two hours. And my dad is the freaking cutest. He stood next to a pillar for the whole two hours watching me sign autographs, just like he was far away. He couldn't hear what was going on, but he was just like, and the kids coming up and shaking and I'd sign for them and then I'd hug them and then they'd be so excited. And then this girl comes up and tells me that
00:54:32
Speaker
that story really moved her because her partner lives in Chile and she's very sick and she doesn't know if she'll ever see her again. Because she's so sick and I go, oh fuck.
00:54:43
Speaker
So I make a video for this girl, her girlfriend, and I just say, you know, I'm sending you all the love and strength in the world because at this point, I don't know if this girl is going to die, right? So I'm really like, I can't say everything is going to be fine because that's that's not it either. Yeah, that's a lie. It's not. And that's not genuine either. It's not because I've just been told she's got a maybe maybe a terminal illness. So I say, you know, I'm sending you all the love in the world. I'm here with, you know, what's her name and kisses and everything.
00:55:11
Speaker
And as the girl walks off, she's just bawling. And my dad...
00:55:28
Speaker
She's saying like, dad's like, what do I do? Do I hug her? And it's like, no, dad, you're a stranger. Don't do that. But, um, but then a month later, I got a message on Instagram saying, Hey, she's okay. And I was like,
00:55:43
Speaker
Thank God. Yeah, you know, so these crazy experiences where, you know, you trigger something in somebody to share and that's the other phenomenon that I think happens at cons when you're meeting somebody that you admire. For some reason, I think that people feel like it's a safe space to share their deepest darkest secrets or
00:56:11
Speaker
Not because we're going to give them a solution. Maybe sometimes. Sometimes I do think they think we have the answers to everything, but just I really admire you and I need you to know this thing about me because I need to share it. And so then I am there with that information. And so it's that's why I was so interested in this grief thing. It's like this is people.
00:56:34
Speaker
sharing their grief to a complete stranger, but because they admire me or love Sombra, they want to tell Sombra this, do you know?
00:56:43
Speaker
It feels like it's like somebody that can hold, it's again, holding space for somebody. Somebody's
Healing and New Beginnings in California
00:56:49
Speaker
holding space for your thoughts and ideas, whether you know that person or not. So in that moment they feel safe to share because maybe the people around them do not relate or understand. So even if they don't even know if you're going to relate or understand, the fact that they're telling somebody they admire,
00:57:06
Speaker
Like you were saying at the beginning people just want to be heard they want to be heard and then sometimes it just yeah It is you're a stranger, but not really in their eyes. You're not they know everything about you, right? They know
00:57:20
Speaker
everything about your character and about your life. So you're not a stranger. Fans are not. And actually, let's talking about that, it's thinking about even the grief that we experience as a population when somebody in the public eye dies. Yes. Right. So therefore we we feel it like as if we had known them because you do. So that's the type of connection the fans are having with you. It's like.
00:57:49
Speaker
There goes Evie. Hold on. I have to put my minute something. The guys are in the backyard and she's, I have to edit that, her bark. So yeah, so it's people do know you. You may not know them back, but they know. Right, right, right, right, right.
00:58:08
Speaker
They know you and they trust you. They trust you by what they know of you and that's the reason they're giving you that information. And that is a huge responsibility to some extent to have this, right? It can be when you have to know how to be able to manage all those
00:58:25
Speaker
emotions and you've done it beautifully. Now, going circling back again to yourself and your own grief journey, where are you now? How is your corazón cito doing, your heart? And in your process, are you feeling, have you allowed it to start loving again? Have you allowed yourself that space to have that idea even come to your mind again?
00:58:51
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I mean, I'm doing a lot better. I think that we were also thrown into a pandemic that kind of like brought up a whole other, you know, level of emotions that were deep, dark in somewhere, you know, so it's I think it's, you can get out of one grief and then go kind of into something else, you know, I did, I did date somebody for a bit for a while, and it was a really beautiful relationship. And I just,
00:59:17
Speaker
now I look back and I go holy cow I was so not ready for any of that you know like I tried and I I was being loved and I was loving and and there was just a lot that I hadn't worked through myself that I needed to because I just had blocks and my own insecurities and whatever and
00:59:39
Speaker
So unfortunately it didn't work out. And now that I've like dug deeper into other patterns of relationships and emotions and everything, I realize, Oh wow, I really wasn't ready, you know? And, um, Of course I want to love again. And of course I want to, you know,
00:59:57
Speaker
be in a relationship again. I think that it ebbs and flows right. We feel stronger at some points where we're like, oh, I'm ready to take on the world. And other times I'm like, you know what, I'm feeling a little introspective, and I need to, you know, sit with some stuff a little bit longer. And I think that this year has also made the world reconsider how they view so many things and what their priorities are and what they want. So I think it has been a learning experience.
01:00:24
Speaker
for us to take deeper looks at everything, you know? And how we wanna do things. Now, let's talk a little bit too about that aspect of this year. Plus you've been in California, is it two years now? Three. Three, okay, so three years. So it's been, okay. So how was it then moving out of, because we didn't talk about that. I like touching on all the different levels of me. Like, wait, can I do this within an hour? Let me try.
01:00:51
Speaker
How was that move for you to California? And did you have friends there? Did you have to, again, start from scratch creating your tribe there? How was that? And again, being in the fact that it was during close, you know, after a breakup of kind of starting again, how was that transition for you?
01:01:12
Speaker
You know, I moved a year after that breakup and I was still in a lot of pain, but I think I like made strides. You know, I called myself a walking self-help book that year. I did acupuncture. I did, you know, therapy, meditation, yoga. I read a bunch of books. One of the ones that I think is so fabulous is Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. Like that helped me a ton.
01:01:38
Speaker
And when I moved out, I was ready for a change because every single corner of New York City reminded me of him, even if they were beautiful.
01:01:51
Speaker
experiences. It was so nostalgic. Oh my god, that was the last time we had brunch there. Oh, that's where we used to get off the subway for his show. Oh, that's right. And it was so hard, you know, I love New York, but I was like, shit, this is so tied to him, you know, and we're bumping into friends or people that worked with him on the subway. And then I'd be like, Oh, like mini anxiety attack, you know, it was really hard. Like how do I walk the other way so that I have to even talk about? Yeah. And I didn't I didn't move to LA.
01:02:20
Speaker
Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Were your friendships, if it was 10 years, were your friendships also some of them even then? A lot of them, yeah. Yeah, because some of them were couples of a related relationship. Yeah, and we made it work, and I think that who were his closer friends, I ended up not seeing as much, and I just focused on mine. Okay, okay.
01:02:43
Speaker
But I did feel like I'd lost a group of people in my life that like I would see on a monthly basis for whatever reason. And then all of a sudden like, that's gone. That's a whole leather layer right there too. So it's like everything's changing the relationship, friendships, things around you, then suddenly everything you're surrounding or yourself with is reminding you of what you don't have anymore. It's just, that's a lot. That is a lot. One of the biggest
01:03:14
Speaker
relationship ties that like still affects me so much or his parents. Because I claim I never could have had like better in-laws ever, ever, ever. And there's been communication on birthdays and Christmas. And every time I imagine writing an email from like the bottom of my heart,
01:03:46
Speaker
I just cry, you know, because I miss.
01:03:52
Speaker
I miss them as people and I miss them as family, you know? It was a family I thought I'd have. It's almost like at this point I'm like, I don't want to be in a relationship with you, dude. But I really miss not having these in-laws because they were so like, they were like cool friends that we'd sit and have long dinners with, with wine and we'd do trips together and we'd just become close, you know?
01:04:18
Speaker
and it's a that's been really really sad to this day like i still i still struggle i'm still i'm sure that they also miss you you know they also miss you and your the relationship and it doesn't and again it doesn't mean that if by chance he's with somebody else at this moment that doesn't mean that they don't like that person but you know but they still you know oh yeah no and i know i know deep down like
01:04:43
Speaker
you know they're always gonna care for me of course um but it's it's one of those things that even if i did want to see them like i would crumble because i'm like i there's just so much there that i'm still unpacking you know um
01:04:59
Speaker
It's a lot and that's the thing again. Those are all these people they're called secondary losses when it comes in degree if you have the major one which is the in this case in your case was the end of a relationship, but then it's all these groups all these other relationships and Dynamics that were also changed because of that and that is something again. We don't sometimes Realize it and so we think we're grieving just one person grieving
01:05:27
Speaker
Well, when I learned you're also grieving yourself in that relationship and you're kind of rebuilding and I always prided myself in being very independent as he was and very focused on our art. But I still grieve who I was with him and what I was with him.
01:05:45
Speaker
But I think, you know, back to moving to LA, like I didn't move to escape New York because I stuck it out. You know, I moved when I was ready to all of a sudden I was being told by other voiceover people, like, you need to be in LA. You're so talented. What are you doing in New York still? So we so I moved.
01:06:04
Speaker
I lied. I said, I packed two suitcases and I said, I'm going out for three months and I'm going to see, you know, Airbnb, my house and Airbnb, my apartment for three months and I'll be back. You know that it was a really interesting thing because my friend had just lost her mother to cancer and she needed a place to stay. And I said, Hey, take my apartment.
01:06:24
Speaker
We extended to five or six months, I think, because I ended up staying and then I loved it so much that I was like, and now like, and she said that that apartment gave her this like space to grieve that had given me the space to grieve. It was like, and it was, it's a really cozy apartment. And so somehow like we were helping each other in that way, you know?
01:06:42
Speaker
And I, when I came out to LA, I just remember it was January. I flew from Columbia after Christmas there and I flew here and the sun was out and I missed a complete winter storm in New York. And I said, it was like LA received me with open arms and I hit the ground running with auditions for voiceover. And I said, this is where I belong. Like it was almost immediate. Like the third day I said, I need to stay here.
01:07:08
Speaker
And so it was like the timing was was just perfect. I needed to be embraced by a new environment. And I was by the city, but then also like the voiceover community is the sweetest, most generous, most nerdy community ever. And they were like, let me hook you up with people. I know this guy at Disney, let me introduce you to these people. And all of a sudden, it was just like,
01:07:28
Speaker
my career and and my my happiness was making sense i didn't have an apartment i was subletting a studio like a tiny place and and renting a car from a friend like i was just figuring it out but but that was the time to like do it and and i was still traveling to conventions you know um it was a little whirlwind but it was also like okay and then i found my apartment here and i organized myself and all of a sudden you're like and now this is my city
01:07:53
Speaker
that belongs to me and it's not connected to anybody else helping me build an apartment. It was my space. It was me. I bought my car for my first adult purchase. You didn't have a car in New York. If you did, I don't know how you paid for parking. Exactly. No, I didn't. But it was this reinvention of more like reconnection with me. Catalina 2.0.
01:08:20
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And you know, you mentioned those 10 years to those very such formative years because you're in your early 30s. And so it's like your whole like 20s you basically that's when we're that's when we are really
01:08:36
Speaker
toning into who we are. Because before that, we've just been home with our parents, with, you know, we're puppy and mommy's daughter, whatever that role that we play and all of a sudden we're on our own. So that was a very defining moment that you, you did create, co-create who you were, partly with the first people that were around you and him being one of them. And so yeah, you're right. Now this other decade now of your life, this new decade of your life, you're,
01:09:01
Speaker
in LA starting your 30s and just creating your new you and we're always constantly evolving and changing and knowing that that's the only thing that's constant is change.
01:09:19
Speaker
Yeah, then that way we don't get so stuck on, you know, on things being always the same. So it looks like you've been doing amazing and I know it's still tough. No, I know. And it's it's really interesting because I remember when I, you know, at the beginning of the breakup, I'd see people that had also gone through something similar to be like,
01:09:41
Speaker
Don't worry, you're going to cry through it, but you're going to make it like if I got out of this, you will too. Like I had people sort of guiding me and friends who had been through similar experiences after eight year relationships. And then when I, you know, a year into being here.
01:09:53
Speaker
my friend was getting a divorce after 10 years, and I was there to hold a piece of it. And I said, listen, you're gonna get through this. I know you are because I did. And the same things you hear. And she goes, and I said, and one day you're gonna be me to somebody else. And sure enough, now she's like freaking helping somebody. But because you all of a sudden you've been through the fire, and you've come out, and then you're like, oh, okay, I can bloom again. But when you're in the middle of the shit, you can't see it.
01:10:20
Speaker
And it's nice to have somebody reminding you that it's possible.
Embracing Gratitude and Joy in Grief
01:10:24
Speaker
So you touched on the other aspect of this podcast, which is grief, gratitude, and the gray in between. We've talked about the gray in between. We've talked about the grief and that gratitude component. What you just said right there is the fact that, wow, we can grow from something so hard. Bloom again, like you just said, what are some of the things that you are so grateful that you've realized that you've grown in this, going through this experience?
01:10:53
Speaker
Well, one of the things my older sister had me do since the breakup happened, she got me this little tiny book that I have over there and she asked me to write down three things I was grateful for every night before bed.
01:11:08
Speaker
realized like oh my god every day good things were happening even though I was going through this hell like this guy made me laugh on the subway and oh my friend called from Australia and you know whatever like and then I was like wow and I think that I realized that about myself like I can still enjoy myself and have a really good time and laugh a ton during the day while I'm going through this grief because I thought it was all gonna be dark like you see in the movie she's depressed and she doesn't get out of bed no I was like
01:11:37
Speaker
like I had the greatest dinner and they go home and go, oh my gosh. So I think that the capacity for humans to be joyful in the midst of really sad things is something that I've really come to kind of cherish and I would start clocking moments of pure elation. I remember we were at a convention and somebody was doing karaoke up on stage and we were singing and enjoying and screaming and I just, I looked around and I said,
01:12:06
Speaker
oh my god i am in pure bliss right now i need to clock this moment and i started like clocking moments that i was really happy for and i was like i know my heart's broken but man i'm having a great time right now you know and i was like they do exist you know and um
01:12:26
Speaker
And I was just feeling so grateful to get to travel the world. I think that one of my dreams was to be able to help people and also pursue my acting career. And I never imagined that a video game would give me the platform to be able to inspire young people.
01:12:42
Speaker
pursue their dreams or to feel loved or to feel listened to and I feel like this did that so I was like oh my god thank you universe for giving me this and I mean I guess now I can't have ever imagined it differently while I was going through the toughest year of my life I was also having like a surge in my career and so that's what made that that year so particular and special you know and I remember reading like
01:13:06
Speaker
everything is perfect in your life like everything is perfect the way you're supposed to live it and that sounds so crazy because it's not perfect but then you go it had to happen this way for me to like really be grateful for for the things that that are important or for me to i don't know step into my own power and and connect to
01:13:31
Speaker
to myself, I guess, not that I'd ever gotten lost with this partner, I felt like I always had an important sense of self, you know, but all of a sudden, you're stripped away from a component that you feel like is a part of your life. And then you're like, okay, roll with the punches, you know, so
01:13:49
Speaker
That's roll with the punches. Yeah, I loved that expression that you just, I wrote it down. Clocking, clocking moments of joy. That is so important because we sometimes like, okay, let's say a kid goes, or my kids would go to school, come back. I'm like, how was your day? It was horrible. No, no, no. So-and-so said this, and you make the whole day be about one.
01:14:12
Speaker
And in grief, honestly, a lot of times there are probably in our day more moments in which we've probably had a smile, been able to admire a sunrise, a sunset, laughed with the front of her phone this, then probably the time we spent crying in bed.
01:14:30
Speaker
But yet we categorize it as it was a horrible day based on just a moment. And if we could take that tip from you of clocking in more moments of our joy and the things we're grateful for in our day, it would completely shift how we view the world. Well, I remember coming home often and, you know,
01:14:53
Speaker
whoever's waiting at home, a sister, a friend. Hey, how was your day? Oh man, I just hit this traffic. And I would start with that one negative thing. And then it could go on for 30 minutes because we expand on it. And I said, no, I'm going to start with the positive thing that happened. And if the negative thing comes up later, sure. But I realized a lot of times I wouldn't need to mention it later because I'd been like, Oh my God, Susie was really funny. You know, at the audition today, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then like, you go off on that and you're like, you know what?
01:15:20
Speaker
that traffic jam didn't, doesn't need energy right now. And, and I think that that's like, we spend energy on, on negative things a lot and like trolls on the internet. We focus on that one negative comment instead of the thousand positive ones. And it's like, why do we do it? Why do we let that happen? You know?
01:15:38
Speaker
So yeah, well, you've definitely, definitely had to learn and create that armor, that same handstand that you've done. You have to keep on practicing every day in your daily life. Like you said, even just with trolls, when they come and say stuff, you have to remember your own power and how you can stand on your own strength to be able to withstand those things that come around you.
01:16:00
Speaker
Anything else you want to say before we wrap up that I have not asked because I always end up Going on all the tangents that maybe there's stuff that we've left unsaid. No, I guess it's just like the idea that I especially when I talked it will took my close people now and and and anybody I made it a comic-con is like everybody goes through some sort of loss right and and not and and none of us act perfectly during it because we have to
01:16:30
Speaker
experience it to process it i think that a lot of times i tried to stop myself from crying or i would say i should be over this grief right now and the should i should be feeling this or i shouldn't be feeling that and we should nothing i feel like we shouldn't judge our feelings that we're feeling in the moment and that that's taken me a really long time to go it's still okay to cry about this and it's still okay because i'm still processing and i think that
01:16:57
Speaker
Even as young kids, we weren't taught to process things. I think even in Latin America, a little boy falls, I don't cry, don't cry. It's like, no.
01:17:10
Speaker
And I think that we all need to learn to process, or if I was angry as a kid. Oh, don't get angry. Just, no, let me feel the anger and let me just process it. And then I'll get over it in 10 seconds instead of telling me not to feel it. Like we keep telling people they shouldn't feel things. And I think all feelings are okay and are valid and we have to process them because that's the only way we get over them. Like during the pandemic, I was still feeling some stuff from my breakup that I thought, oh my God, I thought I'd,
01:17:38
Speaker
I'd gotten past this and it was like, no, because I didn't let myself process it. So then like pandemic comes and bites all of us in the ass. And now we're like really uncovering our demons and our skeletons in the closet. And so it's like, except yours is a literal closet. Yours is a literal closet. You're literal. The one where you actually go and get into record. Yeah. Yeah. You being able to face yourself as a thing, we had to being in
01:18:06
Speaker
You have to like yourself enough to be able to be locked in your own home for a year. And yeah, you have to assess and kind of see, okay, what are these demons? What are these things I have to deal with? And can I live with these parts of me? And letting yourself feel them, right? Absolutely. Maybe you feel ashamed that you're feeling them, but not just feel them.
01:18:28
Speaker
and feel the shame and then let it go, right? And I think that we, I wish there were courses in high school and college that would, in kindergarten, they would teach us to feel emotions and process them and know that they're okay instead of to tamper them down, you know, because feeling the grief is how we get past it instead of ignoring it, you know? And so that's one of the things that I just feel it, like I'd love to, you know,
01:18:54
Speaker
express because it's very important. And there's joy in the middle of it all and it's okay to laugh while you're still sad. You may have lost somebody but you're allowed to laugh and all of that is okay.
01:19:07
Speaker
Yeah, I think that whole aspect of emotional intelligence or emotional, like what you were talking about, we have to become more in tune with that because in our upbringing, a lot of times we were negated the opportunity to live those emotions.
01:19:26
Speaker
Joy was one that's always celebrated. Even still though, there's even aspects of joy that kids are even put down like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like calm down a little. Don't be so loud. Calm down. You know, like you're just being too obnoxiously loud. So we're always constantly being put in check as to how we feel. And even now as adults, I mean,
01:19:51
Speaker
I have friends that may say I'm a little too much, you know, because of my emotions being over the top. But it's like as if we're supposed to be ashamed of those emotions. And that's just not, yeah, we're not okay. We should be allowed to kind of just express them as they go along.
Engaging Projects and Social Media Connection
01:20:13
Speaker
Before we wrap up, how can people see you? I know you have a certain projects right now going on. Share a little bit about that and I'll make sure to put your information. Oh my gosh, it's been such a, we could keep on chatting. We could, we could. Forever, forever.
01:20:28
Speaker
I have, I post on Instagram mostly, so everything is at Revasa is my last name, that's my Instagram. And usually if you just Google my name, you'll find all the social media attached to it. But I'm on Twitter is Carolina Revasa, and my YouTube channel is hispanglosaxon, where I put up a bunch of varied content. But, you know, Instagram is the one that I kind of share most of the important news on. So that's kind of where you can get it.
01:20:53
Speaker
And what in the project you were recently that you're recently working on, because I think it's a really interesting one based that has to do with the pandemic. Would you like to just touch on that a little bit? Sure. I was approached by a writer director with his script, and it really spoke to me because it was it's about a young, well,
01:21:14
Speaker
It was a 25-year-old, but then we changed it to a 35-year-old, which is my age. Cosplayer slash gamer going through the pandemic alone. And I spent most of the time alone here in my apartment. And it's really about the emotional journey she goes through. And so she's kind of, yes, confronting her demons and figuring out what she wants to do in life because she hasn't been happy in the last couple of years. So it's basically,
01:21:40
Speaker
It's kind of like a one-woman show, but I connect to people via FaceTime and Instagram. It's a little bit about the addiction we have to social media and always thinking that everybody else is doing fine and we're not, but social media is a lie. And also just, you know, what kind of romantic relationship are you in? The sister and mom are big support systems in her life, which I thought was beautiful. So it's just a personal journey of how you go through it all, all the stuff we're talking about, the grief,
01:22:08
Speaker
to get out and kind of Start building yourself back up with confidence and self-love, you know, which I think is a subject that's just important in life but I think particularly can connect to my followers that love video games love social media love cosplay and we all need to reconnect with Who we are and what we want to do and stop comparing ourselves to social media
01:22:31
Speaker
because it is photoshopped and it is us when we're happy and I fall in that trap I don't share what I'm sad but I also don't I also believe in my own private life so I'm not gonna share what's going down in my personal life on social media because I don't I would never announce it to the world anyway so I'm not gonna do it on social media I use social media to uplift people so
01:22:52
Speaker
You know, I think everyone uses it in different ways, but then it might seem like Carolina is always happy because her social media is always happy. No, we have our all of our lives are up and down constantly, but we choose what to share because we also have the right to privacy. So, you know, so it's a mix of all of that stuff, but it's a it's a project close to my heart.
01:23:10
Speaker
Well, your fans will know a little bit more if they listen to this podcast. They'll know a little bit more about all the ups and downs and not only how, um, a little bit about how it is for you to face them, but how they also helped you in that, in that year as well as you were grieving. And in that first year, especially because you were going through a lot of Comic Con to a lot of Comic Cons and stuff that year. So, uh, how it's all interconnected too. So thank you. Thank you for having me. This was really wonderful to talk about.
01:23:39
Speaker
It's been so awesome to reconnect after all these years. And yes, it's a tough topic, but again, something that we all go through and that by you, again, being vulnerable here. Thank you, Carolina, for being vulnerable, sharing your story that even though you tend to keep these things out of the public eye, somebody else might relate to this and feel moved to know that, oh, wow, what I'm going through, somebody else has gone through as well. So thank you. Thank you.
Closing Thoughts on Shared Grief and Gratitude
01:24:09
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode and if you feel inspired in some way
01:24:33
Speaker
to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so. Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.