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Ep 07: Getting Candid w/ Candace & Chelsey Goodan - Creating Safe Spaces for Teenage Girls
467 Plays5 months ago
Candace sits down with the amazing, best-selling author, Chelsey Goodan for a heart-to-heart about keeping it real, healing, and growing as a person. Chelsey opens up about her own journey to finding her true calling and how important it is to just let go and trust the process.
Together, they dive into the pressures society puts on young women and girls, and how bottling up emotions can really mess with your head. Chelsey's all about creating a safe space for girls to express themselves without feeling judged and helping them build that inner trust.
They also chat about how having supportive parents, especially dads, can make a huge difference in a girl's self-worth. Candace even shares her own struggles with self-doubt back when she was a teenage model. Plus, they touch on what it means to be a good guy in today's world.
If you're looking for some wisdom and encouragement on your own path to self-discovery and living authentically, this episode is definitely worth a listen!
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Transcript
Introduction to Chelsea Gooden and Her Book
00:00:00
Speaker
Chelsea Gooden is the author of the USA Today national bestseller, Underestimated, The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls, which has been endorsed by Oprah Daily saying, if you have a teenage girl in your life, you need to read this. Through her 16 years as an academic tutor and mentoring teenage girls from underserving communities, Chelsea was invited into a rare space where teenage girls shared their innermost thoughts and feelings. And now, they're trusting her to be their microphone for what they want to say to their parents and the world at large. As a keynote speaker, Chelsea teaches communication strategies that create psychological safety for everyone from teenage girls to CEOs. Featured on The Today Show with Poda and Jenna, NBC News, Hello Sunshine, and In Time magazine,
00:00:47
Speaker
Chelsea's passion to explore humanity's potential for authenticity, liberation, and empowerment, for me, it's all of her work. Please help me welcome my dear friend, Chelsea Gooden. Welcome, Chelsea.
Healing the Inner Teen and Emotional Validation
00:01:01
Speaker
Hello, I'm so happy to be here. So happy you're here. What a pleasure. i um I didn't even get to say in your intro that we are actually friends and we've known each other for a while. And one of the reasons I really wanted you to be on this because we lost touch for a little bit. I didn't know what was going on. And
00:01:18
Speaker
I was just saying to you, I love that what you're doing now and everything in your book is so you, like you are totally an embodiment of your authentic self out loud. And it's so inspiring and it's so exciting. And I just want to start there of yay, this is an incredible thing. Everyone who's reading the book is like, please read the book, tell everybody. And I think a good place to start is feelings. Because, you know, my work is all about healing back to the authentic self. And I do a lot of work about healing the inner teen. And I feel like if you read this book, you might not have to do the re-parenting later in life. You can start to heal from that space that's so profound and so incredibly needed right now. Seriously.
00:02:00
Speaker
Thank you. Yes. yeah Thank you. I just, I feel so much alignment and the types of things we're trying to put out in the world. So I'm so excited to have this conversation. Yes, absolutely. I just did. um I'll just tell you, I just did this group I taught this morning and the topic this week, it was week seven. It was about healing self-abandonment. and I was thinking about your chapter about feelings and also self-doubt. I was thinking this morning when I was unraveling this necklace, there's a part in your book where you talk about it. It's like unraveling a necklace when it's all wound up. It's not it's simple. it's There's many parts to this. and
00:02:34
Speaker
I was thinking about how self-abandonment really starts when we abandon the feelings that are supposed to not be okay and making everything you feel okay. And I love how you talk to the girls about, well, all your feelings are okay. And can you talk a little bit about how you do that and what happens when you do that? Right, so this is from my one-on-one time with the teenage girls, right, that i i it's a I've been invited into this rare space of trust where, and that's what the book is about, right, being the microphone for what they want to say to the world. And what I learned is these, you know, quote unquote, big feelings that end up getting all these negative judgments, like emotional, dramatic, that type of wounding happens in your teenage years, specifically, you know, to teenage girls in a big way. And
00:03:20
Speaker
ah So by instead offering them an opportunity and space to just listen without judgment and be like, yeah, that sucks. I totally get why you're angry right now, why you're frustrated, why you're disappointed, these these feelings that are more negative or harder to feel, right? Like that everyone's scared to feel. um Instead, I'm just like, yeah, girl, like feel them, right? Like I'm good at you. know And then what usually happens is they relax and they're like, oh, thanks. No one understood. They feel seen. They
Expressing Feelings and Building Self-Trust
00:03:52
Speaker
hit feel heard. They feel understood. And what I see, you know, parents, society do instead is they jump in and they try to fix it. They try to give advice. They try to slap positivity on it or they just try to avoid it in general and power through. And it's leaving the girls feeling like something is wrong and bad.
00:04:11
Speaker
right And then it makes me feel there's something wrong with me, bad about me, that shame spiral. It's so so prevalent. And um one of the things I was thinking about that is when you just validate the feeling, you don't identify with the negativity that surrounds it. It's almost like, oh, you feel that. That makes sense that you feel that. And one of the things I want to say too is there's so many women and men I work with that fall into these relationships with emotionally unavailable people. And I feel that starts. in this sector where you're like, oh, I'm unavailable to the negative parts of myself that aren't okay. Therefore, I can only attract someone who's unavailable in those ways. And validating self-validating and healing back to the truth of who you are with all of your emotions intact is going to make you a more embodied person. And you're going to not only attract but recognize other people who are available to themselves.
00:05:05
Speaker
Totally. And it's truly letting yourself express your full humanity, right? Like all human beings have all of these feelings. And it's this weird idea that like, as we become adults, we get better at stuffing, suppressing, avoiding feelings. And and that's a good thing, right? Like that we've suppressed our negative feelings, like as if our goal in life is to never feel a negative feeling, which is completely impossible and unreasonable, but it is the functioning idea that people subscribe to. And of course, all of that, that when you stuff it, it becomes even more harmful later in life, right? Like these things come out and I see it now, you know, as, as my friends have gotten older, like everyone's in therapy, right? Like where it's all exploding all over the place, right? And it's interesting because if you actually just move upstream and feel it in the moment, it just passes through you. You've processed it.
00:05:58
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yeah And it's not so harmful, actually. It's way less harmful to feel it, even though it feels really scary in the moment. And I know, you know, a lot of girls are scared. They're going to feel that forever. It'll never end. But when they are provided that space, you know, I talk about holding in space to where they get through it safely with a loving environment, then they can re-attune to like what that feels like in their body. Yeah, i one of my my tagline is, get real about how you feel so you can heal. And what I see with a lot of the younger clients that I have is, like you just said, they're so afraid to allow that feeling up because they they don't know that they can handle it. Because a lot of times in life, like you said, like a lot of the adults up until now that they're reading this book and getting wise, they don't allow it, right? They don't validate. so
00:06:42
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So when we're young, we don't know that we have the capacity to hold for ourselves and actually process it, so we get afraid of it, and then we push it away. And what I like to teach as well is, no, no, no, you feel it. Don't identify with it, but feel it. And when you feel it, it actually goes. But when you hold it in, it gets stuck, and then it's going to come up in a pattern. And one of the things I was thinking too is, you know, your teenage years, there's this quote I'm going to mess up. It says something like, we're busy um We're busy healing our inner child back to feeling love. We're busy healing our inner teen that's angry and we're busy healing our young adult who doesn't trust herself. And it all comes together because when you think about anger, it's a cover emotion for powerlessness and these girls are feeling powerless to what they feel and also to being okay about feeling what they feel.
00:07:31
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And that creates this like ideal version of self, this false self that a lot of women and men hold on to their whole life. And then they're like, where's my authentic self? And it's totally in these feelings. A hundred percent. Yeah. So what happens is when it's not safe, they put up a wall, right? Like they go into shame, hiding type of zone. And a lot of parents are always like, oh, my daughter won't talk to me or, you know, and it's true. they will go into hiding, into secret, into a shame world if they do not feel emotionally safe with you. That's why this is absolutely critical because the other option is a shame secret world. And we all know that that's not healthy. and I mean, actually, sorry we don't all know. You and I open you know. We'll tell you guys, it's not good. Don't do it. Exactly. And that's you know that's the truth we're trying to put out there. And then and then the kind of the next layer is not only feeling the feeling, but having a safe space to voice, like and say it out loud. And it seems so simple. But when a girl actually finds her words and has a voice, and then I am like, that's a smart thought. Wow. I hadn't thought of it like that. What cool perspective. And I just affirm her in her experience of it. Because the affirmation element is so important too. and then
00:08:45
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There's a plane flying by on the record. This affirmation is so important because that's when she developed self trust where she's like, Oh, my thoughts on this are important. My feelings on this are important. Like I have the ability to check in with myself rather than the external world constantly telling her what She should be, should do, etc. That is massive because I can tell you I have clients from like 18 to 81. No joke, people are doing this work in their 70s and 80s because they didn't have the help to do it and they were younger as well. but And thank God they're doing it. That's so badass. But one of the things about it is
00:09:24
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um when when you When you let them know, I tell my clients, just say out loud what you just wrote down. And they'll say it out loud and I'll be like, yeah, I heard that. What you just said is this. And that simple thing, people will look at me and be like, whoa, I get it differently now. Like I understand myself differently just by giving it a voice, like you said, saying it. And giving it a voice and having someone be there that's like, yeah, I heard that. That makes sense. And not invalidate, well, you shouldn't feel that way. And that's ridiculous and that's a lot. When you don't have that, but you have someone saying, yeah, okay, cool. It also neutralizes those big,
Teens' Emotional Challenges and Identity Exploration
00:09:58
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heavy feelings of over-exaggerating to get your point across. You're just like, oh, I'm just going to say what I feel. And that's my power. Exactly. Exactly.
00:10:07
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complete and Then next layer again, it attunes them to the truth, right? And I know you're very this is an important topic to you, truth. And and what how when you start saying things out loud that feel true, you get more used to it. and you start And when it's safe to do it, you get more and more used to saying the truth, what your truth is. And then the more you align with that, that's when authenticity really starts revealing itself. Full alignment. It's so so so huge. I had this young client today. She was 21 and she was saying I I Thought of you she goes I feel like I abandoned myself because they won't be happy with what I'm gonna say So I just don't and I said to her how about it's safe to say what you want and people not like it Yeah, she was not having that she was like oh
00:10:58
Speaker
Oh, like that was a new concept in her household. Oh, I know. No, it is totally a new concept. I'm on the front lines of this. I assure you, this mechanism of people pleasing that women are taught at a young age, like it shows up in every aspect of our lives of silencing ourselves because we're scared it's gonna make someone unhappy. And also not only someone not liking what you say, but also just the bravery of being misunderstood. and being like, okay, this is who I am. And maybe someone misunderstands me. And that is one of the most powerful things you could do, actually. I have full body chills because this podcast is called Misunderstood. And the reason- I didn't even know that. well yeah It's called Misunderstood, guiding highly sensitive people through an emotional dark age. And the reason
00:11:43
Speaker
I talk about misunderstood all the time is the bane of my childhood was being completely misunderstood. And my coping mechanism, which now became my gift, is to deeply understand myself at a soul level so I could help them understand me. And was like go hi i mean i say I say that at the beginning of the intro of the book, I say the number pretty much the number one thing girls tell me is that they feel misunderstood. and right And it had everything to do also with the judgment, feeling judged. And I think that's really at the core of a lot of how we socialize people to evaluate each other. And and it's just it's not doing anything good and in terms of creating connection, creating authenticity, more truth. It doesn't feel safe for anybody.
00:12:27
Speaker
What I always say to people is that when you're in your authenticity, there's nothing to defend. And when you think about people who don't allow you to be in that, there's judgment behind it. So of course you feel judged, for God's sakes. You're going to feel judged when you're not allowed to be you in your entirety and and be embodied and be autonomous. And that's the problem with our society today. I grew up in um a world where ADHD was brand new and I was like the first person that was diagnosed literally in my town and the ah the you know the message of you don't fit in because you're different was being misunderstood because nowadays the teachers and my mother who's a teacher says we just didn't understand your way of intelligence
00:13:10
Speaker
And so that's huge for a lot of girls who are growing up and being like, what's my sexuality? What's my this? What's my political views? It's like there's a lot of pressure to be something that you maybe aren't or don't know about yet. And one of the things I wanted to ask you about, because in your chapter about identity, I noticed that in my work, I started to find myself, true self, in my teenage years. And at that time is when I also lost it again, because it wasn't supported by a lot of people. And many, I'll say the majority of people I've seen over the last 11 years have had some kind of major trauma as a teenager. And it all has to do with emotional stuff. And I think that that has a lot to do with how we come into a real identity.
00:13:54
Speaker
Not, you know, as a child, you know who you are, but as a teen, you're being who you are in the world. So there's a different audience than just your mom and dad. And it's a whole other thing. You're going to graduate from high school and you're going to have to make it in the world as yourself or as the version that people accept. So can you talk a little bit about why those feelings and that identification is so huge during these years? Yeah, of course. And, you know, we can talk about it on the societal level of media pressures, but also on a parental level, well-intentioned parents often affirm their, especially girls, for achievement, right? Like they think now this the court the the thing to do to help girls is for them to have perfect grades and to achieve, achieve, achieve. And and it's well-intentioned, but what happens is as soon as they're good at one thing, they just affirm, affirm, and like, oh my gosh, geez.
00:14:44
Speaker
that That's you now. Yeah. And the girls a little like, okay, well, this is where how I'm getting validation. I guess I'm just ah a star volleyball player for the rest of my life. Right. And they it's really gripping type of energy. And I have a story in there of 15 year old Marley, who's like a star the star volleyball player, and everyone affirms her for it. And she was getting migraines and stomach problems. And I was like, Hey, do you like volleyball, right? Like her schedule is so insane and stressful. And she looked at me like no one had ever even asked her that question, right? Because she was good at it, you know, through, ah you know, conversations. And it was, it was beautiful. We ended up, she ended up quitting and finding something she truly loved that lit her up. But it was a whole long process of realizing how she was doing something to make everyone else happy.
00:15:29
Speaker
but it wasn't that clear because she was good at it, right? And she even told me like, I like being good at it, right? Like she thinks she likes the thing. So there's this area that we attach identity to something when we're good at it. We aren't given room to explore because everyone's like scared. You know, she's not going to get into college. She's not going to succeed in life. And so we function out of the sphere and then there's no room for exploration or mistakes. right like I do find there is a difference when working with boys and girls. Boys have a little more room to be messy and make mistakes and they don't absorb it into their full identity as like, I am a failure. But the girls, they try one new thing and it doesn't work out. They are done. They're like, never again am I going to do that.
00:16:12
Speaker
And it's such a bummer because that's the space of growth and learning. So what if we permissioned so much more space around an identity exploration so that you aren't so locked into what society is telling you, what your parents are telling you? and I gotta go into this topic because you totally let in with this. And I have so many people that start to do, they do this deep dive into inner work with me and they start to find their authentic self. And they're like, Candace, how do I know my authentic self is gonna be successful in the world? How am I gonna make money doing the thing I love? And I say, I always say,
00:16:46
Speaker
Do you think my career is society-based? I'm a spiritual coach. that didn't I didn't go to school for spiritual coach. I actually went to school for all these other things and it led to this and then I got my master's in spiritual psychology and then I made my own thing. I just talk the truth and people listen and they like it. And they're like, oh, but what if that doesn't work for me? I go, do you know what works for me? Because I'm so passionate about it and I know that it works. I validated it on my own life. And so I say, if you live your truth, you are that purpose. You can figure out a way how to make money. You can create a business. You don't have to fit into a box that you're like, I can't find where, you know, all these things on the college thing. I don't really like any of these majors. I'm like, major in something if you want to go to college and then make it your own.
Gooden's Journey and Life Lessons
00:17:29
Speaker
You don't have to fit into things just because society says, sorry, no box for that. Do you know how much hell I went through my senior year of high school? I was like, how do I find a school that teaches me how to be a spiritual teacher?
00:17:40
Speaker
I couldn't find it. I ended up going to the only university in the USA that had a naturopathic doctor degree. And I go there and it's totally not the deal. I'm like, I can't go to school for spirituality. It's not going to happen right now. So I have to figure out something else. But if you hold on to that truth of who you are and you don't leave it, the journey will always take you there because you are born perfect for your purpose. This is what I always say. no And, you know, whoever, if someone's listening to this and being like, oh, whoa, I have lived it too. I could not have dreamed up what my life looks like right now, 20 years ago. And by the way, I was a super focused, disciplined, ambitious 18 year old, right? Like I knew exactly what becomes my goals, I executed and
00:18:25
Speaker
I wasn't until I truly surrendered to what lights me up that all everything unfolded to completely align with my purpose. I had completely invented my life in the last 10 years. It is by no means in any set box. I'm sure I'm an author, but like even my path to being an author is is wild. right It could go on and on. so And it was because I stayed super true to my passion to my integrity, to my truth, and yeah and then everything unfolded to to blossom out of that. How would you explain to someone or what would be the advice you give to someone that says, I feel like I keep doing things that are untrue. How do I get back to my truth? What if I did this path and it wasn't? See, a lot of people think, oh, I need to be perfectly who I am or perfectly heal that spiritual perfection to actually be doing my path right. And I always say,
00:19:18
Speaker
you are on your path, whatever it looks like will lead somewhere. It's kind of like that story I always remember when um I had this client that was a dentist and he was like really good at the, you know, basically sculpting a little tooth and he became if he became a famous sculptor. And I was like, he was a dentist first, guys. This led him to being able to do the intricate little, you know what I'm saying? You don't know, you just have to follow that path. But what would be your advice to that? yeah So, okay, well, I'm going to answer that. And then I want to say first, because I didn't actually clarify, like, I never had thought I was going to be an author. That was never part of my goals. And now that I'm living it, I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is exactly right. Like, perfect. I wanted to be an actress and it's hilarious because when I would dream of it, I would dream of myself on talk shows, on couches, like talking about the causes and ideas that I care about. Like that was what I thought would be great as an actress.
00:20:13
Speaker
which by the way is what a nonfiction author does. What you do. It's actually like, oh, way better fit, you know, than acting. Granted, my path of seeking, you know, i I learned performance in college and so on has helped me a lot. Like my acting background has helped me be able to communicate my ideas to the world. So it was in a way so helpful that I didn't foresee. And so to realign with that truth, there has to be a lot of like, we often try to think to step 10. where we're like, oh, it's going to be this way. And we don't ah embrace and accept these steps of like three, four, five, and how they're going to fit together. They're going to all piece together in a way that you cannot see. And and there's a real surrender to that. And so aligning to the your truth is truly a one step at a time situation where you're like, what feels right right now? What is in alignment with your passion right now? and and
00:21:10
Speaker
yeah you know like you can't as much as I like to plan out things and they still do but it's all guided by the present moment of light, you know what my passion and my purpose and my intention is like how do I want to be of service to the world I put that at the center and then take actions in accordance to that. Honestly, I love that you said surrender because this is my with Theresa we're talking about this exact thing and how honestly you're not going to know what is going to bring you there? But even in my own journey, same thing, like model actress to spiritual teacher, what? I mean, it's such a perfect journey though, because people are like, oh, you understand that world. And what's interesting about it is when you're talking about, you know, becoming exactly what you had in your heart, like being authentic to what you desire. You saw yourself on the couches, that's what happened, but it happened in a different way. And we always say in the spiritual world, like you have to have the intention of what your desire is and then surrender to how that happens.
00:22:05
Speaker
surrender, but what people get stuck on, like the younger people especially, is they're like, I'm never going to get there. How do I know for sure? And it's that surrender of trust that you don't even know you need to have. And it's like, you, you're not going to know. You're not going to know what it looks like, but you have to know what your dream is and what your heart centered service work is. And a lot of people are like, well, I want to go coach now. I'm like, but you have to serve yourself first. You have to heal yourself and do that inner work to know that I trust myself, that it works. And I'm going to speak on it. You've had 16 years with these girls. You know that what you're talking about is true and it works. So you should be on these couches telling people because you have the experience. And that's one thing that we don't have when we're young is experience. And so when you have the wisdom of experience, you actually have that trust. I look at you now and it's like I can tell.
00:22:54
Speaker
You being in your purpose heals all the questions of the past because you're like, oh, here it is. I'm here. I'm in it. That's how I feel, too. It's an embodiment. Yes. And two things, too. um So I was on hoda the Today show with Hoda and Jenna, right? So there's a talk show couch that I was like the top one of the nation, right? The morning show. And I even in us leading up to that where that dream was like starting to get close, I was, I still can't grab at it with control either like there was a lot of back and forth I wasn't going to get booked for it. And I just kept telling my team like you know don't worry it's gonna fall into place and exactly the right time and my team was like, wait what like what is this you know this
00:23:34
Speaker
calm you have about it. I was like, no, I know what's going to happen at the exact right time. And, and you know, the tapes getting closer, they book out far in advance and then cut to literally four days before my book publishes, they call and book me for the day after my book publishes, which is the most perfect timing that I could be. By the way, that's not a thing. Like they booked these things far in advance, right? We had to move my flight up to New York. Like it was wild. Everybody involved was like, you know And so i just you just trust and you don't cling at it. and And that's really good. We talked about that kind of truth energy. The more you can attune to when you have kind of a clinging and also a resistance, right? Those two energy states are the ones you want to avoid because
00:24:22
Speaker
and It's not a surrender state. It's not a trustee state. And so I've become much more attuned to that. And then in terms of, oh, oh, with the girls, the 16 years of experience, that came from a real pure heart of like, I got plenty of other opportunities. But tutoring was my side job 16 years ago, right? It started as just a side job. And then other opportunities started coming in. And I kept being like, oh, like, I don't want to stop doing that. like I really really love this one-on-one time I get with the girls, and yeah it's so it's the most meaningful part of my life. So, you know, a few years ago when the book idea came in my head, it was a total pie-in-my-face moment of like the meaningful thing that I've been doing in my life, also started volunteering my time to do it, was the thing of the story that I needed to tell the world, and by no means did I know that.
00:25:09
Speaker
so many years
Empowerment and Overcoming Societal Pressures
00:25:10
Speaker
ago. it's I just love I love everything about that and one of the things I want to ask you because we keep talking about this surrender and I think what's really hard for people they have this self-doubt about but what if it doesn't happen for me does it mean I'm unworthy that unworthiness wound and what I always say is universe, God, whatever you believe in, made you perfect for your purpose. So you are born with innate worth. And the whole thing is to know that and really harness that and live in the fact that if this is what I desire, this is what I deserve. How would you tell people to hold onto to that while you're on the journey before you get the gig on the Today Show? Before you do that, like how did you say so positive being like, this is what i'm this is what's happening?
00:25:52
Speaker
And well, this is why I'm so passionate about helping teenager teenage girls because if we can move upstream, we can change the trajectory for all women, I believe. so And so a lot, you know, these patterns, the self doubt patterns starts in those years. That's when I see it. And i I know the end of my intro of my book, I say, and let's just love these girls exactly as they are, which is, ah apparently kind of a radical statement. And because we think they need to be something in order to succeed, they should be something. And so, you know, the whole idea is what if we actually said, okay, you know, you're, you're amazing, you have nothing to prove to me. And we instead started saying that constantly to G major roles and like change the entire messaging that surrounds their world. Because
00:26:42
Speaker
I get it why they have a worthiness wound. The entire world is telling them that they have something to prove, that they're not good enough, they need to get a straight A's. Like all the messaging is unbelievable. So I have been very passionate about like, I'm not, this book is not for the teenage girl because she's perfect exactly the way she is, right? It's for the adults in her world because we need to take more responsibility in changing the system that surrounds them. So that's a huge point that we haven't really gotten into yet is I remember, I can totally, I remember my 15 year old self, like it's now, cause there was so much that happened. That was so such an imprint for me. And I remember during those years, I was starting to, I was starting my modeling career and it was like exactly what I wanted to do at the time. So I felt very aligned. And at that time, also a ton of self-doubt started falling in because I'm like, if I don't do this, I'm nothing.
00:27:34
Speaker
This is the only thing I'm known for that's positive because I had a lot of self-doubt as a child. I had, you know, the ADD thing that no one understood. So I was already having this shame that I was trying to make up for by becoming something. And I think that that's a lot of women in general as they're like, I have to attach to this thing so I can become this thing because if it if it goes, I'm good enough. I'm okay. When you just said, love them as they are, you have nothing to prove. I can't imagine, I'm trying to sit here feeling, if someone said that to me at 15, you have nothing to prove, I would feel so relaxed to feel what I feel and do that instead of, think about that pressure you're taking off of you have nothing, we can all do it right now. You have nothing to prove, what would you be doing? One thing I tell my clients is, when you know, is to say to yourself, what would myself do if I knew I was totally worthy? People have completely different answers, because like, well, I have to do that to feel worthy.
00:28:28
Speaker
What do you have to say about that, about self-worth and all of these things? Oh, I know. And self-worth is a journey. Let's be real. One thing that I will say that has helped me specifically is that I had an incredibly supportive father and I had learned how unique that is. And it's interesting. I've seen patterns. of women who have similar super supportive father, and now there's a lot of research to support how often a really supportive father that just believes his daughter can do anything in this world tends to help a girl. Life changing. Yeah, help a girl's worthiness more than say a mom. And it has to do a lot with a father representing the patriarchy in a way, and this is all unconscious, right? And so when a father is saying you are worthy, it's like society is telling you you're more worthy and can step into it.
00:29:15
Speaker
Yes. Right. I have full body chills listening to that. Yes. And I experienced it. And I do think that I am particularly i at a young age, I was more brave. I was more bold. i ah I asked for my needs and once more intensely because they were honored by my dad. And and he's like crazy. I mean, he when I went to be on the baseball team in fourth grade and it was only a boy's baseball team. He went to the coach and advocated for me to be on it too, right? Like I have endless stories like that of him advocating for space. And because he is a man that holds a lot, you know, holds more power in the world, oftentimes in these places, people listen to him and he was able to create space for my voice and my opportunities.
00:29:56
Speaker
and And so you know if there is any dad listening right now, which I hope there's lots, like you know the dads have been loving my book because they feel that vibration of in the book of their stories of my dad in there, of what does that healthy manhood look like, where it is something that creates a more loving, supportive vibration for everyone. right like i don't you know and The boys and men I work with too are are suffering under this construct these constructs that we have. and and This idea that we could all be having more equality and loving you know and supporting each other is something that's going to serve all of us. It's not a, oh, if we help women, it's not going to help men. It's not like that at all. And so I just want to point out that in my childhood, that was an advantage to my worthiness.
00:30:41
Speaker
I'm loving this most out of everything. but We have a whole other podcast to do on that, by the way, but honestly, I teach this course called Shadow Work, which is healing the mother and father wound. And what I find is when we do that, we can be that for ourselves, but it takes so much work. I wanna take a moment right now for the women who didn't have that, self included, because that is such a gift. And I will say, um it's interesting that you said, I love, I don't know the way you said it, you can say it again, but you said when you have that father figure, it's like you have the world on your side. It's like, it is like almost like a God that gives you that. One thing I noticed about you since I met you, I was always very impressed by what seemed to be almost like a fearlessness to like speak your, you have always been a good speaker. Like you started our women's group in LA. You were always the girl who's like, I'm going to do this. And you do it. And I was like, she has nothing in her that's like, maybe not. Like you always would just do it. And I always was like,
00:31:38
Speaker
i want i want that i want to do that and it's so interesting because i think yeah i'd never had a father figure i didn't my stepfather wasn't a father figure i still don't have a father in my life and what i think is interesting is for me one of my deepest pains you just said it was not knowing there was someone that had my back i had to do it for myself and what really healed me was finding my higher power that was my support system. It wasn't a person. It was something even bigger. And I think that can be helpful for a lot of girls that don't have supportive parents, but you being the example that you are can show them the energy of what that feels like if you did. And I always say, fake it to you, make it, just pretend you have it and see how you feel. So we can take your example and just pretend we have it and see how it feels. But you are so lucky you had that. It's amazing.
00:32:25
Speaker
Well, you're saying so many amazing things right now. And I do believe in modeling this and this concept too. and in And because women can sense the energy and attune to it and be like, oh, that's possible for me. And i so i I try to be, I try to take up space and vocalize it and say it out loud. Right. And actually you said something so interesting about having a supportive father figure and how it's almost like a a God vibe, right? Well, think about the patriarchy has masculine eyes, a God, right? We use the pronouns he and him within established religion. And so it it is like that when when you don't have access to many ideas about what your higher power could be, right? Like it is a pretty masculine narrative of that. And I am all for you finding what that is for yourself, finding the language around it that works for you. But culturally, society, it makes a lot of sense that if you have this really supportive father, it's gonna feel like it's um the the society supporting you.
00:33:25
Speaker
I will tell you that um not having a strong male figure ah really I think was the core of the self-doubt that I dealt with as a teenager because there wasn't someone saying, oh, you wanna do that? I've got your back. there was I was basically allowed to just do whatever and I raised myself in a lot of ways and that was not fun. And it does feel lonely at times and it does make you strong and it does make you understand yourself if you do it in a way that's healthy. But I feel like that core feeling of like, there's this energy and this power behind you. And one of the things I also want to say is, I don't know if you would agree, but I feel like knowing and maintaining your authentic self is definitely easier to do when you have parents that support it, would you say?
00:34:11
Speaker
and yeah And that's why I love that you support these women and and you and and men, but you are also, ah you're kind of also not only like a tutor, but like a bestie who's like, but all also older. So they can look up to you and really trust your opinion, trust the way you are. You are an authority figure that's real and authentic. And I wanted to ask you for anyone listening, how would you say to people you found or maintained your authentic self throughout all the ups and downs of life? Yeah, it's great. and And not only just kind of bestie, but it's like aunt vibes, it's big sister vibes. And it has proven to be very helpful if you have another trusted, loving adult in your life beside your parent. Like you can make a big difference. So, you know, I have volunteered most of my life as a mentor as well. Like anyone can do that. And it is a really healing energy to give back to teenagers. You can heal wounds that way. um I certainly have. I mean, it's hence, it's kind of why I wrote, you know, it's why I wrote the book to heal my own inner teenage girl. because they kept reflecting back to me. my I was like, oh my gosh, I'm still dealing with this. Totally. I was like, I got a model for them what a healed version
Uniqueness and Personal Growth
00:35:20
Speaker
looks like. So I had to up level my own healing in order to show up for them in the way that they needed. And it's so beautiful because here I am showing up for them in a way, you know i didn't I didn't have like a perfect parent childhood situation as no you know no one does, but um I've been able to show up for them in a ways that I didn't have. And in terms of authenticity,
00:35:39
Speaker
You know, I love to encourage weirdness in general, and and I think I just constantly say weird because it accesses a little insecurity because we're a little like, oh, you know, it's as if society's not gonna accept it. and And you ask yourself, what makes you weird? And if you start bringing love to it, you invite friends to affirm it as a part of who you are, that's when you start, it starts growing and growing. and and Everyone is weird, right? Like I'm super proud that I'm weird, but that's not necessarily a common narrative. And so I will say, you know, something my mom has done, right? And I'm not here to actually say what my parents did wrong. I find it really helpful to also say what they did, right? My mom was very much about embracing weirdness and was a little like, yeah, let her wear two different colored socks. You know, I wore like an exercise sweat headband for like all of elementary school. And she was just like, you know, to the,
00:36:33
Speaker
She called the other moms the judgy moms and she'd always be like, deal with it. way Don't judge her. So I was really fortunate in being quirky and like having support around that. Granted, I have definitely hit some walls. You know, I'm pretty high energy. I get like, people think I look really young. Like I get a lot of other judgments that I'm just like, whatever. Like I'm not gonna have that make me small anymore. But that, again, I like to say things that worked, right? That really helped me too. yeah Yeah, absolutely. I love that so much. I feel like I could talk to you for five more hours ah because I just love you and I love your energy and everything that you say is so powerful in these moments today in our society. We are literally shifting a paradigm right now and you are a really powerful voice in that and I love that I knew you before this and I love that I know you're doing this and I love that you're the same girl. You're the same woman.
00:37:26
Speaker
that you were when I met. Now you're just literally living all the dreams that I heard you talk about. And I just think it's incredible. And I wanna know if there's anything else you wanna share with us today before we leave. um Well, honestly, during that time that we lost touch, I was doing a lot of healing, right? Like I had to go back inward as much as I had those big dreams and those big visions and I seemed fearless and in ways I was fearless. I just wasn't done with my healing journey or not, not that I'm done now. I just hadn't confronted some big things that that I needed to truly confront and work through to get to the next level of my life. And so the more I can encourage holding
00:38:07
Speaker
ah space for yourself to live in discomfort and uncertainty because that is where I had so much growth happen in order to now be able to be at the level that I am speaking in the way that I am and feeling really aligned with spreading love in the world and not living in any type of fear state. Let me ask you a quick question. When you did those years of healing, and by God I've done them too, and it's the most amazing time and it's not fun and it's so necessary, what would you say one of the biggest blocks you had that you cleared to be able to get to the next level? Was there one or was there a few or is it just everything? Oh, you searched my heart, like such a good question. I love all your questions so much. Thank you, so fun. I love it. um
00:38:57
Speaker
There's a lot of blocks, okay? And I would say though, the one that just came up for me that if you're like, is control, my relationship to control. o Yeah. That's a biggie for a lot of people. Yeah. That was probably the biggest block. And I was ah but a little controlling. I'm not a little, I i was controlling in a lot of ways of like, this is how it's going to work out. This is what I want. And I was almost actually um bitter and resentful to like my higher power. I'm like, why hasn't it worked out? My intentions are so good. I just want to help the world. Right. And, and what I had to do was completely
00:39:31
Speaker
completely that way back to that surrender, right? And say, you know what? I don't know what's best. I don't know how this is going to play out in that humility. But like humility doesn't mean it's a lack of self. Like I was still felt whole. There's a wholeness, right? But humility in that I don't know everything. And that was life changing. Girl, let me just say humility, in my opinion, is the missing ingredient in most people's experience to allow yourself to be yourself and to allow big, good things to happen. Because if we don't humble ourselves and say, I'm not i'm not the God, about I'm not the one that's gonna control this, there is a plan for me.
00:40:18
Speaker
For me, when I started to humble myself more, I started to feel better. I started to feel more confident, like, oh, I don't have to. It was almost like a relief. Oh, I don't have to figure it all out and make it perfect. There's something else that's going to help me do that. It's almost like we give space for that energy, that divine energy to come in and help partner us in our purpose. Yes, yes, yes, yes. and And I think the wording around humility, the word has had too many societal things slapped onto it as if like you have to be selfless and debase yourself. And there's a lot of extra projections and stories on it. yeah And it's really more about um a relief, a release and a receptivity that's like, okay, I don't have it all figured out. Like let's be in partnership on this.
00:41:08
Speaker
I want to say this one thing is one of my biggest things that I love about the healing journey is becoming okay not being okay. Becoming okay with things not being okay. And when we can do that, it's almost like, oh, I can handle stuff and I'll still be here when it's my time to shine. and I see you shining girlfriend and I just really want to tell you again how much I loved talking with you and how happy I am that you're here. And honestly, can you please tell everyone where they can
Conclusion and Resources
00:41:40
Speaker
find you buy your book all the things.
00:41:42
Speaker
Oh, thank you. This has been so great. um You can buy the book wherever books are sold. My website, Chelsea Gooden.com, where like I have speaking engagements and all sorts of other things I do. You can get actually a free ah book club guide. This book is perfect for a book club, women's or mom's book club. and you can get that on there. And then also Instagram is really the best way to stay up to date with what I'm doing. So just add Chelsea Gooden. And that's where I'm going to be trying to model a big bold life. Like as much as I'm sometimes like, oh, you know, that's it' such a funny space to try to be your authentic self. And I'm i'm trying. ah So join me there. I think you're nailing it, friend. um I'm just going to stop recording, but I want you to stay for a couple of minutes, okay?
00:42:26
Speaker
Love it. Thank you you guys. I'm sure you guys all enjoyed every minute of this as I did. Chelsea is a game changer. She's obviously a powerhouse and she's amazing. So go check her out. Chelsea, I love you. Thank you again. Thank you.