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Ep 13 Why Healthy Love Seems Boring
481 Plays2 months ago
I'm diving deep into why healthy love often feels boring to an unhealthy nervous system. Spoiler alert: it’s not your fault!
I'll break down how childhood and unmet truths can mess with our ability to form intimate relationships. Tune in to the full episode and hear about tuning into your inner child, healing relational wounds, and becoming more emotionally available.
Don't miss out - listen now and transform your love life!
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Transcript
Introduction to Misunderstood Podcast
00:00:02
Speaker
Hello, beautiful souls. I'm so grateful that you're tuning in. Welcome to my podcast, Misunderstood, guiding highly sensitive people through an emotional dark age. I'm your host, Candice Van Dal, and I'm honored to embark on this transformative journey with you.
Sensitivity: A Superpower
00:00:17
Speaker
Have you ever felt like you didn't quite fit into the world around you or even your own family? Like your sensitivity was a burden rather than a gift. If so, you're not alone. And here's the truth. Your sensitivity is not a flaw. It's a superpower. It's what allows you to feel deeply, to connect with others on a profound level, and to access a higher realm of consciousness.
Harnessing Sensitivity for Purpose
00:00:38
Speaker
And on this podcast, we're going to explore how to harness that power and use it to create a life of purpose, passion, and true confidence. Here in this sacred space, we honor your sensitivity as the gift it truly is. Get ready to embark on the journey of unapologetic emotional honesty and next level healing. Let's dive in together.
Coaching and Trends in Emotional Health
00:01:00
Speaker
Hello, everyone. Welcome back to my podcast, Misunderstood. I'm your host, Candice Mandel. Look, I didn't even put makeup on this morning. I just wanted to dive in because I just had a couple of 15-minute check-in sessions. If you're unaware, I do that now on my website where people who want to meet me and see if I'm the right coach for them, you can call them for 15 minutes. And I had two back-to-back this morning, and I swear this is such a thing right now.
The Nature of Healthy Love
00:01:25
Speaker
So I want to talk about it. Why healthy love is boring.
00:01:29
Speaker
but also how the hell did I get myself in this situation? So let's dive in. So I did a reel on Instagram, I don't know, in May.
00:01:41
Speaker
And it went super viral. It's got six million views. And I got a plethora of messages about it, as you can imagine, because people were like, holy shit. This chick connected the dots. And the dots that I was connecting is that healthy love is boring to an unhealthy nervous system. And that is not your fault.
00:02:00
Speaker
The reason your nervous system is not healthy is because of life events and mainly childhood. But what people don't realize is it doesn't mean you have bad parents. It doesn't mean you had a stressful or traumatic childhood. It means that something happened in your childhood that wasn't totally aligned with your authenticity, that made part of you leave yourself, that makes you hypervigilant, nervous, anxious, have coping mechanisms.
Exploring Unaddressed Childhood Truths
00:02:22
Speaker
All the things right so this one woman that i was talking with today i was tuning into her inner child as i do with everyone and it's that i know this is weird you just met me but i just tuned in and i got the message she's going through a divorce okay.
00:02:36
Speaker
She's like, hold on, I was in therapy for years and like no one says the stuff you say. She goes, how did this happen? What did I do wrong? And so anyway, I'm tuning into her and I said, I don't feel like you had a bad childhood. I don't feel like you had nasty, crazy parents. I feel like you had a good child. And she's like, yeah, like that's the thing. I said, but there's part of your inner child that's been disconnected from you and what it feels like to me. And I'm saying this as an example for you guys. I told her what it feels like to me is a lot of the truths in you have been denied or not nurtured. And I don't know what that means. And she goes in to tell me that she came from an alcoholic home, not her parents, but her grandparents. And so her parents sort of overcompensated by being severely religious. Do things this way. And I said, oh, that's not bad. But in those structures of all or nothing, I said, was your deepest truth honored? She says,
00:03:35
Speaker
Well, I don't know. And I said, well, I don't see how it could because sometimes, even if you're Christian or whatever religion you are, sometimes some things that are said by the book might not feel right for you. And she says, actually, you're talking about school. She had ADD, dyslexia, all these things. And she goes, you know, I was
Impact of Childhood on Adult Relationships
00:03:55
Speaker
able to be creative. I wasn't put on medication, but there's always a part of me that feels different, even though I know I'm smart.
00:04:02
Speaker
This podcast is called Misunderstood because I had a similar experience to that where you know you're smart and you know there's things about you, but they're not being explored in society because society doesn't understand them. So if there's parts of you in your childhood or in your teen years that are not being explored, you feel cut off from a apart.
00:04:22
Speaker
When we do that, we also feel ah not totally intimate with our inner child into me. I see if you're cut off from parts of your authentic self for whatever reason, your relationship to self isn't fully securely attached and you don't even know
Shadow Self and Relationships
00:04:39
Speaker
about it. It's in the shadow. So it's no one's fault. I mean, it it is the society's fault because we live in an emotional dark age, right? it Always goes back to that for me.
00:04:48
Speaker
So I'm talking to this lady who's in our late forties and she's like, oh shit, like everything you're saying is yes. It doesn't mean we had to be fully trauma traumatized. It just means there's a part of us cut off from ourselves. So this is why healthy love is boring.
00:05:02
Speaker
because if you're not totally intimate with yourself, intimacy, you know all parts of yourself, which people are like, how could I know that, right? Then you're going to be attracted to and attract partners who are also not fully available emotionally, like you are not fully emotionally available to these intimate parts of yourself. Take that in. So when we talk about trauma bonds and stuff, right?
00:05:28
Speaker
those people who are intense and it's chaotic and it's love bombing and then it's devaluation that is love bombing. That's exciting. because that hits that dopamine in your brain. That's like, Ooh, earn love. We know when we're totally in our authentic self, there's no earning of love. We are love. If you don't know that all parts of yourself of are lovable, then you're probably still chasing after that parent or part of yourself that you're unavailable to, which will mirror and show up to you in life as a partner who is unavailable in some way. So as I'm talking to this client,
00:06:01
Speaker
She's telling me that after many, many years of marriage, she finds out secrets that her partner is hiding. And she's like, how does this happen? I said, well, there's probably parts of yourself in the shadow that are hiding from you.
00:06:17
Speaker
Hmm. Yes. So we are attracted to the people who are not super emotionally available. And we think that they are because they're only emotionally available to the love of ourselves that were emotionally available to our inner child, probably because our parents weren't fully available to a part of us. So we're still chasing the unavailable one, the one that we can't get love from the part of ourselves that's never felt loved really put it together. So I told her,
00:06:46
Speaker
your assignment is to dive into this inner child work with me. When we start to get real about how we feel, we heal. That means, Oh, maybe at seven, I
Journey to Authenticity
00:06:56
Speaker
didn't feel totally seen. And then I just kind of masked it by making parts of me a certain way to look seen, but it's not your intimate emotional parts. So to get comfortable with healthy love means to do the work of getting comfortable with the reality that everything's not perfect in yourself, getting comfortable with the reality that why was I attracted to that facade, that idealized version of this person? People who are emotionally unavailable have this ideal they show you, because they can't show you the real. They're unavailable to it. And you're doing it on some level too. Oh, I love my perfect family. Looks great. No one's family's perfect. When people say to me, how are you so confident? Like how do you love yourself? Because I know all the fucking parts of myself.
00:07:42
Speaker
I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me. I explored that to the nth degree. I'm like, what could be wrong? I tried to perfect myself so much so that if anyone rejected me, I knew it wasn't personal. Like I literally did that work and it actually was true. I didn't perfect myself. I became authentic and I started of loving the parts of myself that maybe weren't acceptable to society, weren't maybe weren't acceptable to a parent.
00:08:05
Speaker
but started to become acceptable to myself because I realized everything about me and here's the kicker.
Embracing Uniqueness as Strength
00:08:11
Speaker
I was born perfect for my purpose even if it wasn't found in society. I'm going to create it. I'm going to use my differences to make a difference in the psychology world, obviously, and maybe yours is in a different world. We can start to tune into all parts of ourselves that we think might not be lovable or acceptable or okay.
00:08:31
Speaker
When we can do that with ourselves we're gonna start to feel more comfortable with people who are more emotionally available so this is the question for you today. Is it that i'm bored and healthy love or is it feels foreign to you.
00:08:47
Speaker
because you haven't yet gotten super cozy and comfortable with the parts of yourself you think are rejectable or abandonable.
Healing Through Self-Acceptance
00:08:55
Speaker
When we do that deep dive into our inner child work and we heal the abandonment of self wound, we start to heal the relational wound because how you relate to yourself is how you're relating to others.
00:09:07
Speaker
Yeah. And how you feel comfortable, uncomfortable with others is a part of yourself that you haven't gotten comfortable with. So, just a deep dive
Deeper Exploration of Triggers
00:09:16
Speaker
today. If you guys want more information on this and you're ready to do your own deep dive, send me an email at canisvandal.com or go to my website at canisvandal.com. Just send an email, send a message. If this is resonating with you, share it with someone that you think it could really help out.
00:09:35
Speaker
Also, come say hi to me on Instagram because I'm doing reels there every day. I'm going to be super, super busy literally the rest of the year because people at this time of the year are going through it because you're in your family environment that trigger this shit. So instead of getting triggered, sit in the feeling of something doesn't feel right and ask more questions. Dive deeper.
Connecting for Ongoing Support
00:09:57
Speaker
I love you guys. Thanks for watching.