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Ep 8 Why the Scapegoat Is the Cycle Breaker
750 Plays5 months ago
We’re diving into something super important—the role of the scapegoat child, or as I like to call them, the cycle breaker. In this episode, I’m breaking down some deep insights from my own experiences and my work with Truth Room, my supportive, tight-knit membership group.
We’re going to talk about the heavy stuff—family dynamics, growing up with a narcissistic parent, and how these experiences shape us. But it’s not all gloom; we’ll also focus on how to reclaim your self-worth and authenticity. I'll share why being the scapegoat often means you're the one who can break toxic cycles and find your true calling.
If you’re a highly sensitive person, empath, or someone dealing with family drama, this episode is definitely for you. Expect some raw, heartfelt advice, personal stories, and practical tips to help you on your healing journey. So grab a cup of tea, get comfy, and let’s get real together. Tune in, and let’s start turning those struggles into strengths!
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Transcript
Introduction to Misunderstood Podcast
00:00:02
Speaker
Hello, beautiful souls. I'm so grateful that you're tuning in. Welcome to my podcast, Misunderstood, guiding highly sensitive people through an emotional dark age. I'm your host, Candice Van Dal, and I'm honored to embark on this transformative journey with you.
00:00:17
Speaker
Have you ever felt like you didn't quite fit into the world around you or even your own family? Like your sensitivity was a burden rather than a gift. If so, you're not alone. And here's the truth. Your sensitivity is not a flaw. It's a superpower. It's what allows you to feel deeply, to connect with others on a profound level, and to access a higher realm of consciousness.
Keeping It Real with Personal Anecdotes
00:00:38
Speaker
And on this podcast, we're going to explore how to harness that power and use it to create a life of purpose, passion, and true confidence. Here in this sacred space, we honor your sensitivity as the gift it truly is. Get ready to embark on the journey of unapologetic emotional honesty and next level healing. Let's dive in together.
00:00:59
Speaker
Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Misunderstood, guiding highly sensitive people through this emotional dark age. I am your host, Candice Vendell, and today we're going to dive right in. As usual, I have no idea what I'm going to talk about, but
Introduction to Truth Room Tribe Community
00:01:12
Speaker
let's talk about this get up. What is going on here? I literally, this is so random.
00:01:17
Speaker
I had clients this morning, worked out, jumped right into clients again without showering, and this is what it is. I got the headband rolling. I look like I'm in an aerobics class and we're going with it today because that's how we are. We just keep things real. So I thought, you know, today I wanted to Keep things in alignment with ready really what I talk about on my Instagram social media lately. I've been diving a lot into the scapegoat child who I also will call the cycle breaker. Now.
00:01:54
Speaker
I know that I've been putting all this together for a really long time and I've had my truth room, my beautiful, lovely, amazing monthly membership for people all around the world. I've had this membership for six years now. I keep saying four and a half years. It's six years. I just looked at it.
Understanding the Scapegoat Child
00:02:11
Speaker
August 2018, I started this group and I did it because I wanted a membership of close-knit inner circle, spiritual-based, consciousness-based,
00:02:22
Speaker
um People who wanted to find their tribe. And when I first started my membership, I called it Truth Room Tribe because it was the tribe. And then I was like, no, this is just the truth room. What is the truth room? The truth room is a place to get real about how you feel so you can heal and do it in a group setting with people that you collectively communicate with over a long period of time who become your soul family, your soul tribe, really.
00:02:47
Speaker
And we've been talking a lot about the scapegoat because a lot of us who are empathic, sensitive, um kind of just like different, but different in the way of just very observant, maybe you're hypervigilant, maybe you have high sensitivity, maybe you have high sense perception, maybe you're just like, I see through shit.
00:03:10
Speaker
The reason you become the scapegoat and then an unhealed empath, which you'll hear more about in my book that's coming out, yeah, soon, probably in a year, but whatever I'm putting out there. The scapegoat is the cycle breaker because the scapegoat is the child that was chosen because it was sensitive, because you were kind, because you were loving, because you were pure. And if you have a wounded parent, or in this case, a narcissistic parent, the narcissistic parent will put all of their unhealed shame onto you because you trigger their very existence because you are the things that they had to deny in themselves. Take that in.
00:03:53
Speaker
And so if you are all these beautiful, natural, authentic things that your parent had to deny within themself, and you're so loving towards them, it's a trigger.
Empowerment and Trap Relationships
00:04:03
Speaker
It's a trigger to not have to look at the things that they deny about themselves. So instead, and they make you the reason they don't feel good. They make you the family.
00:04:13
Speaker
blame, the family, shame. And if you have siblings, more often than not, they will have the siblings target you as well in a thing I like to call triangulation, where the siblings will never be emotionally close, because the siblings, if you're not the scapegoat, have to cater to the narcissistic parent to stay afloat, to stay in good standing, because now that they see that you're being scapegoated, they know that that looks like hell, and I'll be against that kid too, so I don't so i stay out of hell.
00:04:45
Speaker
And so I say this is the cycle breaker because the scapegoat child grows up with all this unwarranted shame and blame and the feeling of I'm bad. Never knowing that it's okay to own their worth, never knowing a true mirror of who they are, but instead a mirror of this bullshit that's been placed on them and what happens when you are the scapegoat.
Healing and Embracing Authentic Self
00:05:05
Speaker
As you start searching in the world for who you are, for your truth, and this can create codependency because you depend on undependable people, your entire childhood, it can fall into more narcissistic relationships because your emotional imprint is that, because your emotional imprint is the emotional truth of your upbringing, which feels like comfort, it feels familiar, which feels like home, even though it sucks, it's terrible. And so these narcissistic relationships end up opening you up if you end this cycle.
00:05:34
Speaker
And what can also happen is you start opening up to the bigger truth of your family. You were never allowed to belong or fit in or... feel claimed, so it's a little easier to look at the truth of them because you have nothing to lose. You just want the truth. And what I've noticed with a lot of scapegoats who start to heal, I call them the unhealed empath that turns into the empowered empath, you start to heal because you start to live and know your authentic truth. And you probably even fall into your true purpose because you're no longer in the role that your family put you in. You're now just in your authenticity, which is an essence, not
Spiritual Gifts and Cycle Breaking
00:06:09
Speaker
a role. You don't fit into a box.
00:06:10
Speaker
And then you start seeing the world differently and you see others differently. I mean, know there's not a single person I meet that I don't know their story by just feeling into their emotional field. I have a lot of high sense perception. Many of us were born highly sensitive. Other of us have become prevalent, which became highly sensitive.
00:06:29
Speaker
So it was kind of our detriment, but then it becomes our gift when we use it to our benefit. But what I see so often with scapegoat children, now adults or young adults or older adults, is that you were so badly repressed from being who you are that you fear you won't live your potential, but also you're the one that actually has the biggest potential because you always saw through the shit, which means you can see the truth, which means you will claim the truth.
00:06:56
Speaker
truth, which means you will be your truth. And that's really a threatening thing to a sick system and a sick society. you know I say a lot of these people are creatives, artists, dancers,
00:07:12
Speaker
healers. They're the things that are what I would call spiritually gifted. And when you start to really become your authentic self, everyone has spiritual gifts because everyone is a spiritual being.
Narcissistic Control and Self-worth Struggles
00:07:24
Speaker
But the scapegoat is the one that gets to heal because they break the cycle by breaking out of this role. You don't want to be a scapegoat.
00:07:32
Speaker
And when you start to grow into being the cycle breaker, you start to realize that if none of them wake up and none of them ever see you, at least you get to. And now you get to see the sickness of that family dynamic, that toxicity, and you stop trying to fit into toxic places by rejecting your own authenticity, but you own your authenticity. And over time, you start to fit in with healthy tribes and dynamics.
00:07:57
Speaker
So I want to read something to you because I saw this as I work with many people who go through this, as you know. I saw this today and it was a really short explanation of all the stuff I talk about, right? But I love how it's cliff-noted in this way. And I found it. Let me see where I found this. I was just Googling. it I think this was jreadtherapy.com. It says, the narcissistic parent wants the scapegoat child to believe they are as horrible as they are being told they are. If the child shows a sense of self-worth or self-possession, the narcissistic parent will take this as an affront to their authority. In essence, how dare my child not think he's as bad as I say he is.
00:08:42
Speaker
The narcissistic parent or the toxic parent depends on your unworthiness, depends on you forgetting or disconnecting or doubting.
Compromise for Acceptance
00:08:51
Speaker
Self-doubt is huge. The goodness in you so that they can still control the narrative of being the superior one. You know, one of the things, I actually want to read this too because this was really frightening. I saw i see this in so many clients. It says,
00:09:07
Speaker
Why does the scapegoat child exist in the first place? Loved this. The dysfunctional family makes up roles for each of its members. The persona of the scapegoat is completely fabricated. It does not represent the true personality of the scapegoated victim. The dysfunctional family creates a false story around who the scapegoat is. The scapegoat is painted as wrong, difficult, mentally ill, and bad. When in fact, they are none of these things. Quite the opposite.
00:09:34
Speaker
Do you know how many people come to me and just think that there's something wrong with them but they don't know what that is? And I say, let's question that narrative. And then they find all this evidence in the world that repeats this because they're actually reacting out of the wounding, not the truth of themselves.
00:09:50
Speaker
So often, I talk about this ideal versus real, many scapegoats, many victims of toxic family dynamics and narcissism. Do this thing I like to call the ideal versus real. I talk about this a lot and I just got off a client call with someone doing this. And I actually should read this note, but and The ideal versus real is giving up your authentic self to be an ideal based in society or whatever that parent thinks is ideal and wonderful so that you can have a band-aid to your unworthiness and prove to the world, see? I am good. I am enough. I am worthy.
Living Authentically
00:10:27
Speaker
However, when you live in the ideal state of achieving and having the status and the money and the beauty and all the narcissistic things that the parent, you know, worships,
00:10:39
Speaker
Which still, they don't love you, but they worship those things and you think if I become these things, finally this parent will love me and see that I'm worthy. Nope. And what starts to happen is we turn those ideals into our reals when we realize no matter how perfect I become or how pleasing I am or all the things I can do, my role will never change simply because it can't.
00:11:00
Speaker
If the narcissistic parent or partner turns your role into a golden child, they need to have another target, which often happens in families where the siblings are switching roles. So I read this to my client as she was, you know, spilling her guts out to me today. Well, then I'm going to try to find the quote I wrote down to her and she freaked out. because She's like, that could not be more accurate. I said, honey, you give away authenticity for the ideal to feel safe knowing it looks like I'm enough to the outside world. But here's the thing.
00:11:33
Speaker
We wanna have a life that looks as good as it feels. But if you're in this cycle, it will never feel as good as it looks because you're living and inauthentically. And so I asked my client today, what's holding you back from making the choices that feel better to you, more aligned? And it happens with everyone I've ever asked this question to. The answer is I'm afraid being me isn't enough. The thing that makes me feel good, maybe it's not enough. I said enough according to what?
00:12:03
Speaker
That's the question that becomes very confusing to people. We're busy living being enough according to others. And I say to these people, all of you, including yourself, at one point in life, what the hell does others' opinion matter when you know
Differentiating True Voice
00:12:20
Speaker
your own truth? And here's the thing. I don't know what I am, Candace.
00:12:23
Speaker
because I've been so programmed to be what is acceptable to her or him, mom or dad. And now that voice lives in my head. And so one of the keys to becoming healed and autonomous from being a victim of narcissistic abuse or a scapegoat is to really learn what's your voice and what's the voice that you've internalized to stay safe. You had to agree with them and disagree with self to stay safe.
Emotional Wounding and Autoimmune Diseases
00:12:52
Speaker
I'm going to bring this to another level. I did another post in Reel this week about autoimmune disease and how over the last 11 years of coaching,
00:13:01
Speaker
I've noticed a very unfortunate and very obvious trend where many, many, many clients who have deep emotional wounding from having to go against their natural truth and boundaries and needs to line up with a parent that is toxic. And what starts happening is when you go against your authentic boundaries that keep you safe and keep you in your identity and needs,
00:13:27
Speaker
and desires, your body listens and your body starts attacking its own self, which is autoimmune. I know when I got diagnosed with mine, I don't know, over 10 years ago, I went into remission only after I did years of deep healing work.
Personal Healing Journey
00:13:46
Speaker
And I've been in remission, I don't know, I think the last eight years. So it's been fantastic, but it's very, very much to me a key sign to stay in alignment with self. When you have an autoimmune disease, or any disease really, but when when you have an audit autoimmune disease, you have to be very specific with living your life in attunement and alignment with what works for you, not what you think should work for you. Not the ideal diet, but the diet your body feels good with.
00:14:15
Speaker
Not, you know, your ideal workout regimen. Like for me, I used to be an intense workout person. I used to have a trainer and all the things. And I literally stopped doing that and just started hiking a few days a week. My body had never looked better. My immune system was amazing. This is when I went into remission of two years of just hiking.
00:14:33
Speaker
And while I was hiking, I was meditating or listening to a podcast or listening to a YouTube video or listening to something that was inspiring and uplifting. I remember a lot of the time I was listening to Abraham Hicks because it would just raise my vibration. I'd feel aligned with nature and myself.
Breaking Out of Toxic Systems
00:14:50
Speaker
And those two years of hiking really healed my body, my mind, my soul, everything.
00:14:55
Speaker
So I had to let go of this perfectionism of, I got to work out like this. And I was a model at the time. So I'm like, a model should do this it shit and I was like, fuck that. What does Candace do? what is How does candace buy Candace's body thrive? And so this is what my message is today, short but sweet, is that if you're the scapegoat, you're the cycle breaker. But what you have to do is have the courage to break out of a toxic system that will never help you feel like you belong. It will never acknowledge or validate the goodness in you because the very reason you are a scapegoat is so others don't have to look at the not so goodness in them. When you break this cycle and you start to align with your truth again, discover what that is, attune to yourself, attune to your health, attune to your abundance within. This is how we start healing this cycle. If you guys have more questions on this, please go to my email, CandiceVandell at gmail dot.com or my Instagram and DME. And also I want to invite you guys into my truth room. My truth room again is my monthly membership group. You get two weeks free
00:16:05
Speaker
And if you want to cancel, you cancel it anytime. But we are a group of healing, literally the people in this group who've been with me for all of these years and new people as well. But they're just growing leaps and bounds. It's insane what happens when you're in a group environment and you're mirrored by somebody who's already done their work. So there's no weird vision I'm seeing things through. I'm not seeing through a veil of any kind of wounded perception. I'm seeing you through a veil of my own truth. So you can see your own truth. And when we share that in a group that's totally vibing on higher consciousness, healing happens. So that's the truth room. If you go over to my Instagram at Candice Van Dal and you just click the link, it will say truth from membership. Click it, join for free for 14 days and see how you feel.
00:16:46
Speaker
If you can't make our times that we meet every single Friday at 11 a.m. Eastern time, don't worry because everything has been recorded for all these years. You can just watch things, learn things, you can do the exercises, the meditations, all the things for you. But I'm we welcome you welcoming you guys into my sacred inner circle because it is extremely badass. You will find your people. You will be like, holy cow, I'm not alone in this. And it is going to be very healing for you even if you show up one time.
00:17:17
Speaker
So I just want to share that with you. um Also, send me your questions. Send me the topics you want to hear me talk about each week. These should be coming out every Wednesday.
Engagement and Future Topics
00:17:28
Speaker
Sometimes it's Thursday if I've been traveling. Sorry about that. We're figuring out the schedule. What else can I tell you? I don't know. Just stay tuned. Go say hi to me on Instagram. I've got reels on this stuff, which more of this topic is going to be shared as I go because I've been going so deep diving into my clients.
00:17:45
Speaker
and my own life, just the next level, it's insane. So go send me a message, say hello, share this with whoever. I love you guys, and I'll see you next week.