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Ep 15 How I Stopped Caring About Opinions
459 Plays2 months ago
I'm getting real about how I stopped caring what people think of me. With over 11 years of coaching experience, I've seen it all and come to one powerful realization: at the core, we're all the same.
I share the journey of embracing my authentic self, breaking free from societal expectations, and living a life untethered by others' judgments. From personal anecdotes to deep emotional insights, this episode dives into the heart of true self-acceptance.
Tune in, and let's explore how you can live authentically and love yourself fiercely. Don't forget to connect with me on Instagram @CandaceVandell and share this episode with anyone who needs a little extra love and light!
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Transcript
Introduction of Misunderstood Podcast
00:00:02
Speaker
Hello, beautiful souls. I'm so grateful that you're tuning in. Welcome to my podcast, Misunderstood, guiding highly sensitive people through an emotional dark age. I'm your host, Candice Van Dal, and I'm honored to embark on this transformative journey with you.
Sensitivity as a Superpower
00:00:17
Speaker
Have you ever felt like you didn't quite fit into the world around you or even your own family? Like your sensitivity was a burden rather than a gift. If so, you're not alone. And here's the truth. Your sensitivity is not a flaw. It's a superpower. It's what allows you to feel deeply, to connect with others on a profound level, and to access a higher realm of consciousness.
Living with Purpose and Confidence
00:00:38
Speaker
And on this podcast, we're going to explore how to harness that power and use it to create a life of purpose, passion, and true confidence. Here in this sacred space, we honor your sensitivity as the gift it truly is. Get ready to embark on the journey of unapologetic emotional honesty and next level healing. Let's dive in together.
Embracing Authentic Self
00:00:59
Speaker
Hey guys, welcome back to Misunderstood, guiding highly sensitive people through this emotional dark age. I am your host, Candice Vendall. If you were ever one of my clients, then you know you've asked me this question. Candice, how did you stop caring what people think about you?
00:01:17
Speaker
I'm going to explain to you. Look, I've been sitting behind this coaching desk for 11 years, over 11 years now. all day every day, I've seen a plethora of clients, all ages, all walks of life, all different success levels, all different fame levels, all the things. And what I've realized over time is what I was really hoping I would realize is everybody's the frickin' same. Everybody's heart beats, everybody's heart has feelings. Everybody is the same.
00:01:50
Speaker
at the core level. I used to call this before I even started coaching. I used to call this the authentic thread. When we can all get back to our authentic selves, we all understand each other. This podcast is called Misunderstood for a reason because when we live in an emotional dark age, we're living in the age of people not knowing who the hell they really are and not functioning from that place, which makes you feel weird when you're being totally authentic.
00:02:14
Speaker
So as I got really, really, really in touch with my authentic self and started living that way and making choices that way, not giving a shit who left, who came, knowing that if I'm born perfect for my purpose, then my people will find me as long as I'm shining bright enough for them to find me, right?
Authenticity vs. Judgment
00:02:32
Speaker
You stop giving a rat's ass what anyone thinks about you because you realize everyone's got issues. The people who have things to say about you are not in their authenticity if they're being rude and cruel and judgy. Authenticity doesn't have judgment. It has discernment. It has boundaries. It has likes and dislikes. um I may like what some's what someone's wearing and not like what someone else is wearing and it has nothing to do with them.
00:02:56
Speaker
Think about it. When people are giving you that rejection, that abandonment, that criticism, it's really about themselves. I can't even go into how many levels that goes into, right? But like, this is what I always tell my clients. Okay, that person did all these things to you. Would you ever do that to someone? And if you did, what would it take for you to do that? Oh, I would probably feel bad about myself. Okay, so that's how they feel.
00:03:26
Speaker
I love being a coach for people because everyone always says, I come to you and it's like a judgment-free zone. It's like, you see me. Yeah, because I don't judge myself and I see myself, so I can see you. People who can't see you purely and through loving eyes are not in love with themselves fully.
00:03:44
Speaker
really take that in that's gonna really help you out anyone who you feel judged by stop and think about do i agree if so i'm gonna take it as a truth which means you have more inner work to do.
Self-Acceptance and Inner Work
00:03:55
Speaker
I don't judge myself i see things that i do that i could say is flawed i'm like damn i'll work on that love myself anyway all my friends laugh at me because i am known to make crazy mistakes or say insane shit or do something wrong and be like shit gotta to work on that love myself anyway.
00:04:14
Speaker
Think about it.
00:04:17
Speaker
Other people's opinions only matter to you if you agree. So if someone's like Candace, you're really ugly, and I'm feeling like really ugly. Oh my God, I'm ugly. um Yeah, shit, it must be true. Well, it is true because it's true for you. When you stop believing terrible things about yourself, you're gonna stop believing other people's terrible things that they say about you. So then you'll ask me, well, how do I start loving
Improving Self-Perception
00:04:41
Speaker
myself? well If you don't like the way you look, improve it. Go to the gym, change your eating habits, go get your hormones checked, get a haircut, get your teeth fit, whatever the hell you need to do to love yourself. Now, when it goes to the extremes, it's kind of like why so much attention on that stuff, right? Like, look, I show up like this, you guys. This is how I woke up today.
00:05:03
Speaker
I don't really wear any makeup. I don't really care what I wear. Usually I show up to my sessions and I'm like, hi, comfy zone, right? Cause what are we doing? We're talking about deep shit. I don't have to look a certain way, right? I mean, you know what I mean? Just certain level. I take showers, but the whole point here is.
00:05:21
Speaker
If I were super obsessed with what people thought about me, I would be trying to live to please everybody. How do you do that? How are you everything for everyone? That is disgusting. It's exhausting actually.
Living for Oneself
00:05:31
Speaker
So I try to be good for me. What do I feel like today?
00:05:38
Speaker
I feel like eating this. I feel like not exercising or maybe I feel like exercising double or maybe I feel like, oh, I need to take a trip. Really listening to yourself first. And if you don't know what you are until other people give you an opinion, you got a lot of inner work to do, right? And that doesn't mean it's going to take forever. It means you got to get in touch with who you truly are and what you truly feel.
Societal vs. Self Acceptance
00:05:56
Speaker
Most people get confused with what they should think over what they really do think because when they really did have an opinion as a child they get abandoned. So they had to do their inner child was done them as a child and abandon the self. Abandon their preferences. I have a huge like the LBG do whatever the hell.
00:06:16
Speaker
That community of people, right? Lesbians, gays, trans. A lot of those people come to me and like my work because they're like, oh my God, that's how I feel. I felt different. Or, you know, they weren't allowed to, you if it's you, weren't allowed to own certain aspects of yourself because it wasn't allowed. Allowed according to who? A lot of it was society because we live in an emotional dark age.
00:06:39
Speaker
um
00:06:43
Speaker
Sorry, notes, but we're starting to wake up from that. We're starting to see that whatever the hell you naturally are should be accepted. You can't expect to be fully accepted by society because society is an emotional dark age, but you can still be accepted by yourself and not give a shit about what society thinks about you.
Overcoming ADHD Expectations
00:07:04
Speaker
Look, I'm going to be real with you.
00:07:07
Speaker
I, you guys know this, when I was diagnosed with ADHD at age seven, which by the way, attention dialed to a higher dimension, it's such a gift. Um, I felt that I felt like, Oh, in society, I'm, I'm something's wrong with me. So I'll just highlight the fact that I look like the ideal and that was my career. I'll be a model. It's like it accepted in society this way. And then as I modeled for like 20 years, I was like, I actually just want to be who I am out loud.
00:07:32
Speaker
I want to talk about the eightyd d i want to talk about feeling shame my whole life for it i want to talk about feeling different on some level i want to talk about neurodiversity i want to talk about how looks are not something we really need to focus that much on because it changes and the ideal changes all the time.
Living True to Oneself
00:07:48
Speaker
It's about self acceptance and when you start to realize that society is just a bunch of people with opinions. Oh society isn't god when i started figuring that out i was like oh my gosh.
00:08:00
Speaker
God didn't create society. People did. And people are not very evolved or in an emotional dark age with wounded humans creating society. Think about it. I feel bad that I called the LGBTQ wrong. Sorry about that.
Handling Negative Opinions
00:08:20
Speaker
But it changes a lot and I can't keep up keep up with all these like terms these days. Honestly, I just say people.
00:08:25
Speaker
We're all just real, keeping it as real as we can, but we're not keeping it real when we're caring about other people's opinions and ah abandoning parts of ourselves. So let's take this short episode and start to realize what parts of ourselves we can be more accepting of. When you self accept, you don't give a shit about who else accepts you. Do I like it when people like me? Sure. Do I think any differently about myself when people don't? No.
00:08:51
Speaker
I get negative comments all the time. Are you kidding me? When you have a big following, people say shit. They like to target you. They live behind a screen. They don't care. So I have a ton of positive comments, obviously. But over the last decade plus, I've had some negative and I'm just like, oh, sorry, you feel that way or not. I don't care. Block or don't block. Who cares? But if you're one of these people that really needs people to like you so you can like yourself, you're living externally.
Empowerment through Sharing
00:09:16
Speaker
When I started talking out loud on YouTube 11, 12 years ago, I started telling my truth, not giving a shit who would listen because it felt so empowering to tell my truth. And as soon as I remember the first week I was on YouTube.
00:09:28
Speaker
Uh, I got 10,000 subscribers and I didn't even know cause I did a video and I walked away and I was like, Oh, it felt good just speaking my truth. Who knows if anyone will ever find this video a week later, 10,000 subscribers. And I could monetize because after 10,000 you can monetize. And I was like, what is this email about monetization? What people like when I'm saying, and then I started reading comments and people were like, whoa, dude, you are explaining this in a way that I've never heard before. That sounds like my exact life. How do you know? It's like, cause I got real about how I feel and now I'm healing and I'm sharing.
00:10:00
Speaker
Yeah. Getting real about how you feel, not what you think you should feel. I really feel about what I think I should feel, right?
Marriage and Personal Evolution
00:10:10
Speaker
I'll give you a really real time example. My divorce was finalized like four years ago and um since I was a child, I always wanted to be married because I wanted to feel claimed and I wanted to feel family units. My family unit was so screwed up and divorce and abandonment and all the things, right? It's not like I had a terrible family. It just was not, it was dysfunctional, right? And I was just, I'm a cancer. I just wanted a family and I got married and it was amazing. Loved being married, loved being a stepmom, loved all the things.
00:10:40
Speaker
Realize that i really didn't feel that call to have my own children but i think part of it is cuz i'm. How do you like everyone's inner child all day long like a lot of my clients are like you're my spiritual big c sister or you feel like the mother i never had and that's very fulfilling for me so i didn't have that drive i had more of a drive towards my service work in this arena which is great so back to the point now that i'm divorced. I'm thinking like do i ever want to get married again.
00:11:07
Speaker
being married for almost 10 years like healed that part of me that needed that phase of my life to heal that part of my cell. And things change and grow. And so I had to do this like deep dive into my identity again. I'm like, hmm, do I ever want to be married? And I was like, I don't know if it matters. I don't have this craving to heal anything, right? I feel like I heal all day every day. So it's almost like, what do you want to explore and experience in life?
00:11:35
Speaker
Opinions about what I should be doing at this age and what it should look like, I don't give a rat's ass because the people giving me opinions, I don't really think that your life looks so great. And if I do think your life looks great, great, it works for you, but I'm not you. It's truly about getting super acquainted with the deepest truth of ourself. Do I want to get married again? Well, it took me forever to figure out if I wanted to have kids forever. And I waited till like the last minute. And then many of you guys know I had a surprise pregnancy at 44 years old, surprise.
00:12:06
Speaker
And I was so happy about it. I was like, wow. I always said, if I get pregnant, I'm going to have it naturally. Like I'm going to get pregnant naturally. I'm not going to do IVF. It was just a personal choice. I don't want hormones in my body, personal, personal choice. I know a lot of people do it and it's fantastic for them. But again, about me, uh, didn't want to do that. And so I surprisingly got pregnant at 44. Didn't think it was possible. It was like, whoa, what a fricking
Openness to Life Experiences
00:12:29
Speaker
gift. Miracle. Yeah, literally.
00:12:32
Speaker
And we were like really excited. And that pregnancy did not last. It was a miscarriage. And even with the miscarriage, I felt at peace. I had a chat with the soul and I know what's going on and it was perfect for me. So now I'm like, do I ever want to get married again? Would I ever adopt kids one day, maybe when I'm not as busy at work, when maybe maybe when I'm 50. And I'm like, damn, I have a lot of love and resources to give something maybe.
00:12:57
Speaker
I'm staying open, I don't need things to be defined. That's another thing about living true to yourself. Maybe you don't need things to be defined to have an identity. My identity is I know who the hell I am and I'll figure things out. I love that.
Self-Definition and Life Choices
00:13:09
Speaker
What else? Where do I want to live? That's a big one right now. I moved across country last year, a year ago, October, to Georgia to live with my boyfriend and try the East Coast out again and see how I feel. And I've reconnected with so much of my family here. My sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, my nephew live close. So we've been hanging out and it's been amazing. I haven't seen them in a decade.
00:13:32
Speaker
Not a joke, long deep dive, which I'll do in another podcast. But like extreme healing has happened to me. And when I was moving across country, I was like, I don't really want to live in Georgia, but I feel pulled here. Turns out it was for a much deeper reason, family healing. Incredible what's going on. So where do I want to live now?
00:13:51
Speaker
Our lease is up in January. We literally leased this house for a year because we didn't know where we wanted to buy. And it was kind of really smart. And I don't like if I want to go back to the West Coast. Do I want to explore something else? It's kind of fun. I don't know because shit doesn't define me. I define me. My higher self, my service work, my connections to life and soul and something higher define me. That's who I am.
Conclusion: Exploring Authenticity
00:14:15
Speaker
So anyway, that's me ranting and rambling. and It's been really fun, but I love you guys. Stop caring about what other people think. And if you do explore it, it will lead you back to your authentic self. Please share this episode with anyone you think needs to hear it. Please go say hi to me on