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Ep 9 Healing the Unworthiness Wound
967 Plays4 months ago
In this powerful episode, I delve deep into the roots of the unworthiness wound that many highly sensitive people experience. Our journey takes us through understanding how self-abandonment leads to unworthiness, which then fuels insecurity and codependency.
I share insights from my own transformative experience and offer practical tools to help you start healing today.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to take the next step on your healing journey. My I Am Worthy Course is now On-Demand at half price. Join me for a life-changing 12-week deep dive into self-worth and healing here.
Let's reclaim our worth together!
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Transcript
Introduction & Purpose
00:00:02
Speaker
Hello, beautiful souls. I'm so grateful that you're tuning in. Welcome to my podcast, Misunderstood, guiding highly sensitive people through an emotional dark age. I'm your host, Candice Van Dal, and I'm honored to embark on this transformative journey with you.
Redefining Sensitivity as Strength
00:00:17
Speaker
Have you ever felt like you didn't quite fit into the world around you or even your own family? Like your sensitivity was a burden rather than a gift. If so, you're not alone. And here's the truth. Your sensitivity is not a flaw. It's a superpower. It's what allows you to feel deeply, to connect with others on a profound level, and to access a higher realm of consciousness.
00:00:38
Speaker
And on this podcast, we're going to explore how to harness that power and use it to create a life of purpose, passion, and true confidence. Here in this sacred space, we honor your sensitivity as the gift it truly is. Get ready to embark on the journey of unapologetic emotional honesty and next level healing. Let's dive in together.
Understanding Unworthiness Wounds
00:01:00
Speaker
Hey guys, welcome back to misunderstood, getting highly sensitive people through an emotional dark age. I'm your host, Candace Mandel, and I want to dive in today to this unworthiness wound. I don't know if you guys know, but I have this course that I created last year called I am worthy. And the tagline for that course is the root cause of codependency is insecurity. The root cause of insecurity.
00:01:24
Speaker
is unworthiness. And the root cause of unworthiness, which nobody quite gets to, is self-abandonment. And that's not your fault. And so, by the way, this course is now on demand at half the price that it originally was because it's on demand. You could do it at your own pace. It's 12 weeks. It's a deep dive. I've heard it's life-changing and it's amazing. so I just want to put that out there for you because people are like, hey, Candice, I get it. um What do I do now? so That course is amazing too because I have a 30-day integration process after the course. so It's one thing to under understand things. It's another thing to be able to embody it in your life and have it actually create transformations and shifts.
00:02:08
Speaker
So unworthiness wound comes from self abandonment, but here's what you have to understand. We do to our inner child, what was done to us as a child. So you were abandoned in some way, whether it was just emotional, which wow, just hello, that's huge. But a lot of people think, well, I had parents, I had a roof over my head. I had food. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the emotional imprint of feeling abandoned. I wasn't able to be who I was. I was always told I was wrong. I had a lot of self doubt, whether that came from a parent,
00:02:38
Speaker
a peer, a sibling, or society, some part of you has been abandoned or you wouldn't be listening to this because, honestly, coming back to the authentic self means undoing all of that conditioning coming back into the truth, knowing that it's safe to shine, knowing that you are able to give yourself your own permission slip to know you're worthy. So I'm going to go through some examples here today, but one client asked me yesterday Actually, it's funny because it's not funny but it's very common how many people asked me this. Someone asked me this yesterday and then one of my old clients that I've had for a while asked me the same question today. They both are women and they both have had patterns of dating partners who won't commit but also have a side piece.
Self-Worth and Secure Attachment
00:03:25
Speaker
These men that they were in relationships with multiple times in their life
00:03:29
Speaker
Have always had like another woman and that's an interesting pattern isn't it? But I see it a lot and what I'll say about that is you know when they say to me how do I fix this? I don't know how to be true to myself. I don't know how to have these boundaries. I say to myself Guys, relationships are 100% a mirror of your relationship to your inner child. If you're allowing shit to happen, you're having an insecure attachment to your inner child, and this creates an unworthiness wound because when you have an insecure relationship to your inner child, insecurely attached to self, right? In this I am worthy course, we talk about how the most important piece of the puzzle is having a secure attachment to self. Well, how does that happen? It happens by
00:04:11
Speaker
Having a feeling wow i feel like something's off in my relationship speaking up which is a huge issue for a lot of my clients speaking up on behalf of your true emotional self. Not worrying about what they're gonna do not worry about them abandoning you it's really about you abandoning you when they abandon you so speaking up on behalf of that right and then noticing.
00:04:34
Speaker
okay, I'm getting more clarity. I'm getting more answers or I'm not wrong person, but we're also afraid to be alone on because we've already abandoned our inner child. So other people loving us has become such an overly important thing because it's not that you're afraid to be lonely without a person. You're already lonely without yourself. So when you have a person that is band dating your own loneliness from abandoning the inner child,
00:05:01
Speaker
so What I told these women is, well, when you stop abandoning yourself and you start committing to the truth of who you are and committing to your emotional honesty and having action steps that respond to that, you're starting to live more in alignment with yourself. You're starting to be committed to your truth and your inner child. Every time we let something go, we let something happen, we don't speak up,
00:05:25
Speaker
We internalize the frustration that that creates. We've already told our inner child you're unworthy of what you need. You're unworthy of what you deserve. Think about how many times in your day you go through things, maybe it's at work, maybe it's at home with your family, and you're not living in truth. Look, people can tend to be like, wow, you're a tough cookie. Why? Because the second my partner does something like You know, makes me question, hmm, that was a weird thing to say or weird motive. I speak up and say, that was weird, honey. What do you mean by that? I don't let anything go. My inner child knows I'm rock solid. She's got me. She feels safe with me. She trusts me because I speak up on behalf of what she's feeling.
00:06:10
Speaker
Right? The more you speak up on behalf of what you're feeling and really living in alignment of having your own back and being self-partnered, you'll notice that you won't for a second put up with people not being partnered with you who's in a committed relationship with you. Or if you're dating someone and they're not committing, you wouldn't put up with that. Really take this in.
The Fallacy of External Validation
00:06:31
Speaker
We feel unworthy from the beginning, but then we continue it.
00:06:36
Speaker
We feel unworthy in the first place because someone made us feel that way, let's be real. And a lot of you like to sort of gaslight yourselves and say, well, they did the best they could. Yes, they did the best they could and they didn't do good enough. We can't bypass that truth because then we're abandoning that reality for ourselves, right? It's in the intricacies. It's little things that become big things over time because there's lots of little things that add up to, wow,
00:07:04
Speaker
I'm letting people make me feel unworthy and I'm abandoning myself. Many times we don't know that we are the permissions that we need to feel worthy. People ask me, and so by the way, you're looking for someone else to give that to you by loving you. You look for someone who you think is worthy and if they love you, you feel worthy, but then as soon as they're gone, you feel like shit. So let me just, you know, make this simple.
00:07:26
Speaker
The way we start to give ourselves a permission slip to feel worthy or to know that we're enough is to speak up on behalf of our authentic feelings. so When you are speaking up on behalf of your authentic feelings, you are giving yourself a permission slip to own the fact that you might be worthy. And then if someone else doesn't agree, what you do a lot of the time is you'll take away that worthiness and you'll say, Oh, maybe I'm not worthy. Maybe I don't deserve that. A lot of you guys will externalize God. And you'll say like, as far as people are concerned, you'll give them that sort of
00:08:04
Speaker
false idol mentality and you'll say oh well if they don't love me if i think i'm i'm worthy and i think they're worthy and they don't think i'm worthy then maybe god's telling me that i'm not and what i say to people is so now that person is your god No, God is your inner guidance system, is your God. That is your guidance system,
Cultivating Self-Worth from Within
00:08:25
Speaker
right? So if your guidance system is saying, I am worthy, and someone else doesn't agree, it's not saying God doesn't agree, it's saying a person who has their own issues and wounds doesn't agree. Great, moving on. We get this so convoluted and so confused, we make it so complicated, right? Oh, it's 444, by the way, number of angels. So seriously, think about this for a minute.
00:08:51
Speaker
You guys i don't know how to anchor that feeling of worth. I feel extremely worthy. One of the things that came from me doing all this work and feeling so worthy is that I know I'm so capable because I trust myself to figure things out. I trust myself to not allow people in my life that are going to betray me, backstab me, whatever, right? I've had to let go of humans in my life. We all have to. If we don't heal and then leave the people who want us to leave ourselves at a higher frequency, what are we doing?
00:09:28
Speaker
right I always give people the opportunity in my life to write their wrongs. and If they don't, what am I doing enabling someone to constantly do me wrong? right That's because I'm worthy. so What I like to say to new clients is, pretend you're acting as if you already feel self-worth. What would someone who knows they're worthy do?
00:09:51
Speaker
Would they allow their husband to keep cheating? Would they allow their business partner to lie? Would they allow someone to criticize them just because maybe they didn't mean that? Well, check it out. Did you mean to say that? Because that's how it felt. Now, this is a hard thing to do, I understand. You think it takes confidence to speak up. But what I like to tell you is it builds confidence when you speak up.
00:10:16
Speaker
It's like the chicken and the egg. So why not be the first one to allow yourself to feel worthy? If I were constantly looking to partners and business deals and whatever to make me feel worthy, I'd still be codependent. I'm going to remind you again what my tagline is. The root cause of codependency is insecurity. The root cause of insecurity is unworthiness. The root cause of unworthiness is abandonment, right?
00:10:43
Speaker
So you can say to me, Candice, it wasn't my fault. My parents abandoned me or they did this or they did that. I said, of course, and it is your responsibility to end that cycle. Be the cycle breaker. Like my mug says, yes, I created these. Be the cycle breaker of that trauma, of that generational experience that was just put on you because you were the next in line. Honestly, it's not personal, but it did happen to you. So look, when we can,
00:11:13
Speaker
become that permission slip, we realize that I'm not codependent, I'm independent, and I'm in my power. I don't give my power away. Why? Because I'm the one that decided to make me feel worthy, to make me feel capable by having these action steps that are in alignment with my words, with speaking up for my truth. And the more you do it,
Confronting Fears of Unworthiness
00:11:40
Speaker
you're gonna realize probably pretty quickly how empowered and better you feel. When I tell people to do it in front of me, like during a coaching session, I'm like, do this. Just say this out loud. They're like, why does that feel so different? I'm like, because you're actually giving yourself the permission slip to say what you feel and you're not worried about what I'm gonna think because you know I'm not judging you. So you have to pretend you don't care about other people's judgments. And if you do care about other people judging you, I want you to ask if it's because you agree with that judgment.
00:12:07
Speaker
Is there somewhere in your body that thinks they could be right? We spend a lot of time in our life banding things, but also protecting ourselves against a scary narrative. And this is what I mean. We try to protect ourselves against someone saying something to us that we're afraid could be true because we're unworthy. So if I know I'm worthy,
00:12:32
Speaker
I don't care what someone says to me because I'll love myself anyway. I'll just check it out. I'll be like, oh, is that true? Was I kind of a bitch? Was I kind of? Ooh, shoot. Did I do that wrong, huh? When you know you're worthy, you have nothing to defend. When you are being your authentic self, you have nothing to defend. It's the scary scenarios in our head that we're afraid of could be who we truly are, which would mean we're actually unworthy.
00:12:57
Speaker
When you think about every scenario in your life you're trying to protect yourself from or you're afraid of, it's because the end result is, if that's true, I'm unworthy. So when you start having unconditional self-love, you realize that my worth has nothing to do with an opinion. My worth has nothing to do with a personality personality flaw. My worth has nothing to do with someone's opinion. My worth has nothing to do with this scary childhood scenario that I still think may or may not make me bad.
00:13:26
Speaker
think about this i'm gonna have a guest on next week and i'm i'm goingnna talk to them about this because i want to give you like real life scenarios from someone else other than ah damn self and my clients all the time but it's true really Think about this what's one thing you can do today like stopping it in its track where you start to feel like, oh, I'm afraid of this because it might mean I'm unworthy. Really think about it because most of the time you guys will go to one step and not go all the way deeper. And when I do my deep dives with clients, I go all the way deeper. And what happens when we go back, back, back? What are you really afraid of? No, what are you really afraid of? No, but what does that mean? What are you really afraid of? What they're always afraid of is being unworthy, not being enough.
00:14:07
Speaker
We're afraid of our shine because we're afraid we're not enough. We're afraid to go take a risk. We're afraid we're not enough. We're afraid to reach out to that person because they're so cool and we might not be enough. We're afraid to demand this amount of money for my services because I'm afraid someone will tell me I'm not enough. These are the things I hear on a daily basis. I'm afraid to wear that kind of an outfit because someone will make fun of me because I don't deserve to because I'm not enough. I'm afraid to date the hot guy that I'm really attracted to or go up to him or say something to him because he's cool and I'm not and maybe I'm not enough. What are we talking about?
Societal Expectations vs. Self-Worth
00:14:39
Speaker
When we think about what is enough and what isn't enough, it's bullshit. It's just what society has told us because of the societal ideal at whatever time you're born, that that's what's good and this is what's bad, right? You guys know I talk about this a lot. So if we can can put that aside, I'll give you an example. I had a client today. I made a reel on Instagram this morning about this topic about how our partners will mirror to us a relationship to our inner child. And she said to me, well, I've had her all this abandonment. I've had um these patterns of ah intimacy issues. and ended up How do I start? And I say, by asking yourself this simple question, do I think I'm good? Do I think I'm worthy?
00:15:20
Speaker
Do I think I deserve? And she goes, well, how do I know what the truth is? I said, the truth is yes. And anything other than that tells me that you've had conditioning that you believed in. So this is all chipping away at your worthiness. If I think, oh, I'm bad, I did something shameful. Well, doing something shameful doesn't mean you're you are ashamed. It means you're feeling ashamed, but it doesn't mean you're one to be shamed. It means You feel like you've done something wrong and you feel like that means there's something wrong with you, which is wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. We can change our personalities by healing. We can change our actions by redirecting. So your self-worth from the time you were born, you were born as a pure, innocent being, right? That got chipped away at in childhood with wounded parents, in school with bullying and wounded peers, and with society with a wounded view of
00:16:15
Speaker
everything, really. And when we really look at the fact that we were born as pure, innocent beings who have potential to line up with free will or God's will, and most of the time our free will is lined up with our wounding, we can see that we became, we adopted this belief, this lie about how we're bad, not good enough, unworthy from conditions of our life, not because truths of our being.
00:16:44
Speaker
So I guess what I want to say to you guys today is if you're still worrying or Wondering or dealing with this unworthiness wound because you still abandon yourself and you abandon your inner child Hopefully you've learned a little bit of something something about some tools today But if you're still doing that just ask yourself am I bad? Why is that who said that what did I do that? I'm punishing myself for how can I actually clear that for myself?
00:17:12
Speaker
How am I still looking for a permission slip outside of myself for someone else to tell me that I'm worthy of my own damn love for myself? This is where you start. I have a client just saying, I don't like myself. I'm like, yeah, well, why? Well, so many things. Okay. Well, tell me why. So she told me one thing. Well, I, I have obsessive thoughts and I ruminate. I'm like, okay. So that means something happened to you to have this Let's say coping mechanism of ruminating and having obsessive thoughts, no?
Trauma, Coping, and Self-Compassion
00:17:42
Speaker
So that's again, not your worth. When we can start to name these things and free ourselves from this prison of blaming ourselves for our wounding, blaming ourselves for our coping mechanisms to handle the wounding. You know, I'll tell you another thing I declined this morning. He was telling me that she went through a lot of trauma in her twenties.
00:18:03
Speaker
and she was like diagnosed with all these things that obviously were undiagnosed years later because they were just trauma responses and she's like, yeah, my therapist at the time blamed me for what I was doing and how I was feeling after I was traumatized. I said this is a big part of our issue in society right now is a lot of kids for instance are being diagnosed with things but no one's looking at what happened to them.
00:18:25
Speaker
A lot of people are getting a lot of illnesses, but no one's looking at the emotional world. And so if you can give yourself a break. Do yourself a favor and say, you know, I'm going to stop blaming myself for how I react to things, but I will try to do better. I'm going to stop blaming myself for the shame I feel. I'm going to stop blaming myself for feeling doubt. I'm going to stop blaming myself for not loving myself. I'm going to stop blaming myself for all this self criticism. Great. What do you do instead?
00:18:57
Speaker
You say it's not what I'm doing. It's what was done to me and this is how I'm dealing with it. So I'm going to leave you guys with that. It's giving yourself a break, getting off your own case, and stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You deserve more love, not less. If I can say one more thing, we all need to try to be the unconditional mother we never had. How would you like to treat your inner child? Instead of treating your inner child the way you were treated as a child, why don't you start treating your inner child the way you always wish you were treated as a child?
00:19:33
Speaker
I love you guys. Please go say hi to me on Instagram at Candace Vandal. Please make sure you subscribe and share with anyone you think that this could touch. Don't forget to check out YouTube and definitely check out my I am worthy course on demand half off now because it's on demand. It's in the link in my bio and Instagram. It's also all over my website. So please check those things out. They're very
Promoting Courses & Conclusion
00:19:56
Speaker
healing. I should also mention because it is almost September, September 2nd.
00:20:00
Speaker
We start my inner work class. This is all about healing inner child wounds and codependency. So the difference between I am worthy in this class, I am worthy is all on demand. It's all on your own. This inner work one course is live with me for 90 minutes a week for eight weeks. And it is literally a for fraction, it's less than half the price of my one-on-one sessions.
00:20:25
Speaker
So each session each session with me is less than half of one of my one-on-one sessions. So something to think about. I only let three to five people in. We start September 2nd. You can also find that on my website and also Instagram. I love you guys and I'll see you next week.