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Ep 26 Stop Outsourcing Your Worth: Healing Anxious Attachment
0 Playsin 8 hours
In this episode, I’m diving deep into the world of anxious attachment, something I know all too well from my own journey. If you’ve ever struggled with feeling insecure, codependent, or stuck in patterns of self-sabotage, this episode is for you.
I share the real reason why we get trapped in these cycles, how our childhood experiences shape our inner child, and, most importantly, how you can reparent yourself to move from anxious attachment into secure, authentic, purpose-driven living.
So many of us are held back by old patterns, but by becoming our own anchor and source of safety, we can stop searching for approval outside ourselves. I also share details about my more accessible group coaching and offer some practical steps you can take to start building a secure attachment within. Tune in for some honest insights and gentle encouragement on your path to healing.
If you want to do the work to become securely attached and live in your full power, I want to invite you to check out my Inner Work Healing program here. It is a powerful, comprehensive experience designed to take you on a transformational journey of healing, self-discovery, and personal freedom.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Misunderstood'
00:00:02
Speaker
Hello, beautiful souls. I'm so grateful that you're tuning in. Welcome to my podcast, Misunderstood, guiding highly sensitive people through an emotional dark age. I'm your host, Candice Vandal, and I'm honored to embark on this transformative journey with you.
Sensitivity as a Superpower
00:00:17
Speaker
Have you ever felt like you didn't quite fit into the world around you or even your own family? Like your sensitivity was a burden rather than a gift? If so, you're not alone. And here's the truth.
00:00:27
Speaker
Your sensitivity is not a flaw. It's a superpower. It's what allows you to feel deeply, to connect with others on a profound level, and to access a higher realm of consciousness.
Living with Purpose and Confidence
00:00:38
Speaker
And on this podcast, we're going to explore how to harness that power and use it to create a life of purpose, passion, and true confidence.
00:00:45
Speaker
Here in this sacred space, we honor your sensitivity as the gift it truly is. Get ready to embark on the journey of unapologetic emotional honesty and next level healing.
00:00:57
Speaker
Let's dive in together.
Journey from Anxious to Secure Attachment
00:01:00
Speaker
Hey everybody, welcome back to Misunderstood, getting highly sensitive people through an emotional dark age. I'm your host, Candice Vandal, and today i want to dive in to the anxious attachment. My anxious girlies and guys out there, listen up. Here's the deal.
00:01:14
Speaker
I have always gone more towards anxious until I did a shitload of inner work and became much more securely attached. but i'm going to give you the secret. The secret to becoming securely attached to yourself and something higher and your life is finding your place in the world and owning your purpose.
00:01:33
Speaker
So many people come to me and they don't know their purpose. You can't know your purpose if you're not being authentically you You're not living in alignment with what you feel and what you like and what you decipher on your own.
00:01:47
Speaker
But you're more attached to the voice inside your head that still has to be an authority figure other than you. And one of the most, I think, stuck points is people don't realize that we treat our inner child the way we were treated as a child.
Embracing Inner Power and Authenticity
00:02:02
Speaker
I have an amazing client that I have to give you this scenario because it was such a profound example in our session last week is her mother was very cruel to her. Anytime that she would shine, her mom would reject her, abandon her, make her feel unsafe in her shine, make her feel unsafe and unworthy of her own power.
00:02:21
Speaker
So anytime her coping mechanism now is to stay lower, right? That upper limits issue, stay lower so don't get in trouble with mom and I can stay loved and I can stay safe for God's sake.
00:02:33
Speaker
Safety in the body is everything when it comes to being securely attached to the self and anyone else.
Feeling Safe in Your Body
00:02:39
Speaker
And when you need to stay safe, And also that equals not being in your power or not having your boundaries. It's a really sticky place to be. And it's a very common place to be. Honestly, we've all had that. I've had that.
00:02:53
Speaker
I literally had the coping mechanism of i have to self-sabotage. I'm about to get everything that I want because then I won't be loved. I will be safe and I'll have some like bad shit coming my way. You know i mean? I didn't get over that pattern until i was 30 years Truth.
00:03:11
Speaker
truth so The reason i started doing all this deep, deep, deep, deep dive work into the inner child is because of that fricking pattern, right? So I'm really good at pinpointing everyone's patterns because I've had so many of my own, right?
00:03:23
Speaker
But this client, back to the story, so her mom would reject her when she would shine or love herself or do anything that she was really... inspired to do. And so now when she's close to doing what she wants to do, her inner child shuts down and tells her all these scary things. And she gets really mad at her inner child and tells her inner child to go f itself.
00:03:44
Speaker
I hate you. Did it on? i said, what are you talking about? Your inner child has got really good at keeping you safe in that toxic as fuck environment. And she's like, Yeah, but Candice, she's been doing this to me for so many years. I go, good.
00:03:57
Speaker
It's time for you to reparent her and tell her that you're safe now. Are you safe now? and she's like, no How am I safe now? She's running the show. I go, yeah, it's not safe to have a kid running the
Inner Child and Reparenting
00:04:05
Speaker
show. Is it? Right? And that's not anyone's fault.
00:04:08
Speaker
But what I've been working with, with this client in particular and so many others actually, is that when you can be the counterintuitive voice, the loving higher self voice of, oh, I see that you're trying to sabotage my growth and my purpose in whatever way, I understand why, because it was so unsafe for you. and Thank you so much.
00:04:31
Speaker
Notice inner child, acknowledge inner child. Thank you so much for doing that in that environment. But right now, what I want to do in this lifetime is integrate with you and help to show you that I'm safe now. And how you going to do that?
00:04:44
Speaker
You're going to show your inner child you're safe and no longer need to be anxiously attached to voices in your head because you're going to start to live in alignment. with what you desire, even though it tells you no, it's scary otherwise.
00:04:59
Speaker
You have to talk to yourself and let yourself know it's not scary anymore, but it makes sense that it totally was back then. So instead of calling yourself stupid for misperceiving something, it's like, no, you're perceiving from the wounded inner child, not the adult self.
00:05:12
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So the perception of your inner child needs to be upgraded by your compassion. So this anxious attachment is because you're still anxiously attached to yourself. You're still telling yourself, no, you're still scared all the time.
00:05:26
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You're still sabotaging. You're still doing all these things that aren't aligning with you being one with you and your purpose. The way we start to fall into our purpose and then anchor into our purpose is by doing this work.
Inner Work Programs and Authentic Living
00:05:38
Speaker
this deep dive inner child work, I should mention to you guys, I did this on YouTube as well, but my inner work that's usually two months long, we're now doing it one month, month to month. You can stay in the whole year. You can stay in for five years. You can stay in one month. It doesn't matter. We've made it more affordable this way. And if we made it ah easier and more accessible to just sign up month to month if you want.
00:05:58
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And I'm mentioning it too, because I'm doing less and less one-on-ones. Because I have my all-access pack, so I have a lot of people in that. So I'm doing less one-on-ones, and I'm doing a ton of group coaching. Plus, it's extremely cheap compared to my normal session. So I have to mention that because I made it this way so people can do this work and not have more excuses. of Like, I don't have time. right don't know Okay.
00:06:21
Speaker
I'm trying to make it as easy as I can. And so the anxious attachment person will try to find someone secure to attach to. What have to understand is that's very insecure. You're already codependent because now you're depending on an undependable person because that person may not always be what you need them to be or soothe you in the way you need them to soothe you or actually be with you. They could leave at any moment and that is truth.
00:06:43
Speaker
Okay? So securely attaching to self is anchoring yourself into your power by doing the inner child work, right?
Self-Attachment and Inner Power
00:06:52
Speaker
Into reparenting that inner child, which is the most powerful thing I've ever done in my life. My entire life shifted.
00:06:59
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changed completely when I did my deep dive in my inner child work, which is why I'm so damn passionate about teaching everyone this. But also when you do that work and you line up with your true self, not your inner child who was wounded self, but you line your inner child up with you and you take the reins and you guide her home, you be the parent you never had. Well, Candice, I don't have an example of a good parent. Good. Pick one from a movie.
00:07:25
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Pick one from what you want to feel or what you wish you had. Your fairy godmother. That's what I always said. My fairy godmother. I'm going to become my fairy godmother. And I did. And I love my damn fairy godmother self.
00:07:36
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And once you do that, you start start to become open up and awaken back into what inspires you because it's no longer capped by fear ah being disapproved of or not being taken care of.
00:07:48
Speaker
You're not going to leave yourself. You're not going to disapprove yourself. you're not going to leave yourself. You're not going to abandon ship.
Transactional Love vs. Self-Approval
00:07:54
Speaker
Right? So if you guys didn't catch my latest YouTube video on transactional love, this is a big part of it.
00:08:01
Speaker
You're transactionally loving yourself. You're mean to yourself when you don't achieve things that will get approved of. You tell yourself you're not enough when you don't reach these crazy goals. That's not how we build secure attachment to self. We build secure attachment to self.
00:08:15
Speaker
Right? By loving ourselves and approving ourselves, even if we're not freaking perfect all the time in the moments, even when we fall back into old patterns, it doesn't matter. Your little inner self needs you to be her or his anchor.
00:08:31
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You're the rock, nobody else. And when you are the rock, you'll have the boundaries of discernment to actually choose wisely rather than choosing from a place of I'm unworthy. I need someone to make me feel more worthy and then I'll give of myself as that transaction goes, right?
00:08:43
Speaker
That's the deal. So once we do that, we start to drop into what we really want because it's less scary to see it. Because before it's scary because I can't get that anyway because I won't be loved or I can't get that anyway because I'm not enough.
00:08:55
Speaker
You can get that because you love yourself and you know you're enough because you tell yourself every day because you do things in alignment with your self-care. That's real for you every day. And when we find that purpose and we anchor into that purpose, no one can take your purpose. God was given that to you.
00:09:09
Speaker
And since it was given to you, it is very authentic. And a lot of people can say to me, well, Candice, what if I'm meant to be a coach and there's a million coaches? I'm like, yeah, cool. None of them are you. They're not doing it like you. They don't have your life stories. and They don't delay it or or sorry, display it, delay it.
00:09:24
Speaker
They don't display it like you. i said, look, I've been doing this work, being a spiritual coach for almost 13 years. There was no one doing it.
Embracing Self-Love and Purpose
00:09:34
Speaker
And at one point a client asked me, isn't it wasn't it easier for her to break in when no one was doing i'm like, no, it was much harder because people were like, what the hell are you talking about?
00:09:42
Speaker
That's woo-woo. That's weird. Now there's a million people trying to do this work. And I always say to this client, I say, Integrity has impact. Be as real and honest and authentic to yourself as you can. and The people who like you and need to hear the story and the way that you tell it will want the story and the way that you tell it. Don't worry about competition. This is the one thing no one can take. Sure, people can take jobs, but what you have to understand is You are the source when you stop outsourcing because you're anxious and you start integrating because you're less saying anxious. What happens is you become the source. So you can get fired and then bring your sourceful self up to the next job.
00:10:21
Speaker
That job, if you feel attached to it, you put your worth in it. You outsource your power to it, just like you outsource your power to that ex-boyfriend. Stop doing that. Ex-boyfriend has no power of you. A lot of us who are anxious think if someone leaves me, they have all my power because they just took my source of love away. No, you gave it.
00:10:39
Speaker
Take it back. Receive your own love. Right? So when we're anxiously attached, when we have transactional love, when we outsource our power, we are basically screwed because we're always looking outside of ourselves to feel safe.
Aligning with Purpose and Divine Connection
00:10:55
Speaker
No, the deepest sense of safety I have is knowing that my purpose and me are lined up with God. I am doing exactly what I was born to do. And I know that deeply in my soul because I know that deeply in my soul, I started sharing it. And when I started sharing it from a place of deep certainty, other people started listening and they're like, damn, she's so sure of this.
00:11:16
Speaker
I'm sure of this. And then you trust and you start to do the thing and you're like, damn, she's right. Let me find my own. Let me find my own purpose. Let find my own thing. So This is just a short, deep dive today.
Conclusion and Further Content
00:11:30
Speaker
Anxious, transactional,
00:11:34
Speaker
worthless, all that shit needs to be upgraded, right? To purpose. wholeness and unconditional love with yourself and your life and your purpose. I love you guys.
00:11:47
Speaker
Don't forget to check the YouTube because I just did a few new ones. Don't forget to go to Instagram at Candice Vandell and check my new reels because I put them every day. I love you guys so much and I'll see you in next one.