Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Exploring Threesomes Pt 1: Should You Have a Threesome? (1-3)
199 Plays1 year ago
Join hosts Jon and Natalie in a thought-provoking episode where they delve into the intriguing and often complex world of threesomes. In this candid conversation, they explore the early stages of couples considering a threesome, offering invaluable insights on how to approach this potentially transformative experience with integrity, empathy, and mutual respect for all individuals involved.
Drawing from their own experiences and extensive research, Jon and Natalie tackle the nuances of communication, boundaries, and consent that are crucial for navigating this uncharted territory. They discuss the importance of open and honest dialogue between partners, as well as the necessity of establishing clear boundaries and expectations from the outset.
Throughout the episode, Jon and Natalie provide practical tips and actionable advice for couples embarking on this journey, emphasizing the significance of prioritizing the emotional well-being of everyone involved. From setting ground rules to addressing insecurities and fears, they offer guidance on fostering a supportive and inclusive environment that honors the autonomy and agency of each participant.
As advocates for ethical non-monogamy, Jon and Natalie highlight the importance of continuous communication, self-reflection, and ongoing consent throughout the entire process. They challenge common misconceptions and societal stigmas surrounding threesomes, encouraging listeners to approach these encounters with empathy, understanding, and a commitment to mutual satisfaction and fulfillment.
Whether you're curious about exploring consensual non-monogamy or seeking guidance on navigating the early stages of a threesome, this episode offers invaluable insights and perspectives to help you embark on this journey with confidence, compassion, and respect for all parties involved. Tune in to gain a deeper understanding of ethical threesomes and learn how to create meaningful connections grounded in trust, communication, and mutual empowerment.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Threesome Discussions
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello and welcome to the Fun with Sucks podcast. I'm Natalie. And I'm your co-host, John. And today we are talking about threesome, specifically how to prepare for a threesome. So with the threesome series, this is going to be a multiple episodes conversation about threesome.
00:00:23
Speaker
Self-admittedly, this is going to be focused on couples looking to find a third or having a first threesome. But I will say that if you're someone who's single who wants to have a threesome potentially in the future, or if you're a single person looking to have a threesome with a couple, or you're just a group of friends planning to have a group of sex, which happens not as much in straight circles, but in more queer circles, that is the thing that happens.
Personal Experiences and Statistics
00:00:50
Speaker
I think that this episode can have relatable content on how to have a successful threesome from us who have had been in both roles as a threesome. We've been the couple and had a third come into our relationship. And we've also been a third in other people's relationship. So we have data and we have personal experience and experiences of others to help guide you on how to have a good threesome. So you won't make the same mistakes that we and our friends have made in the past.
00:01:20
Speaker
Yeah. So going on that threesomes are the number one fantasy of Americans, according to a study and a book by Dr. Jay Lemler. The book is called Tell Me What You Want. And the book was a study of a survey done on 3000 Americans anonymously.
00:01:40
Speaker
And threesomes by far was the number one sexual fantasy across all demographics. Men, women, queer, straight, everybody wants to have a threesome. And when I mean everybody, it was over 80%. So almost everybody has at least fantasized about a threesome. Saying everybody wants a threesome is not correct. On the flip side of the coin, only about a third of all of Americans have participated in the threesome.
00:02:07
Speaker
And that statistic is kind of sad because there's a lot of people who want to participate in this fun sexual experience who want to participate in group sex. But stigma, shame, purity culture, now there are other reasons stop some from doing it. But if you're here and you want to have a threesome, if you want to bring it up to your partner or if you're a couple, you've already decided that you want to have a threesome or any other person who's interested in the threesome.
Planning and Communication
00:02:35
Speaker
we're now going to have a conversation for you and how to do it successfully. So again, three part series, this episode is going to be planning for threesome and the initial conversations. We're going to do a second episode of how to make your threesome a reality. And then the third episode of, Hey, we just had a threesome. What do we do from here? So starting for the first question is how would you bring up to your partner that you want a threesome?
00:03:05
Speaker
Because I think that's the hardest part. Yeah, I think the really big thing to understand, whether you're a woman, a man, whether you're in a gay relationship,
00:03:20
Speaker
No matter what role you are, if you are the one bringing it up, I think you do need to unpack the why first and have like a tangible idea of why you want to pursue this. Because I think one of the big things that holds couples back from having a threesome actually occur
00:03:43
Speaker
is whether you are traditionally monogamous, just exploring non-monogamy, or whatever the case may be. I think a lot of people, a negative emotion comes up when their partner brings up a threesome. And it's that feeling of, oh, am I not enough in the bedroom? And I've seen it on both ends. For monogamous people, of course that's going to be a lot of people's first thought.
00:04:12
Speaker
But even for non-monogamous people too, you know, maybe the only group play they did was more of a swapping situation. Maybe they are non-monogamous and they date separately, but they've never done stuff together. So I think for a lot of people, their natural reaction, even if it's completely not justified is going to be, Oh my God, am I not enough in the bedroom that they want to bring someone else in? Am I not attractive enough? Am I not?
00:04:40
Speaker
their fantasy. Am I not doing the right things? So I think when you are the person asking, kind of have something prepared, kind of go about in a way of, Hey, you know, this is something I fantasized about because I think getting to watch you with someone else is going to be really fun for me. I think I'm actually more of a lawyer and I think getting to not only have sex with you, which I love, but also
00:05:09
Speaker
see you as someone else is really hot. Or maybe it's like, you know, Hey, I know that you're bi and you haven't been able to explore with other woman. I think bringing or other man. Yeah. I'm speaking from asking a woman, but yeah, I know you haven't been able to explore that. And I think this could be an opportunity for us to explore it together. Yeah.
00:05:38
Speaker
And I think building off your point is that the most important thing is that if you bring it up that you want to have a threesome is to understand if your partner has a negative reaction.
00:05:50
Speaker
We are born and raised in a monogamous society that says, hey, if your partner wants to have sex with someone else, that means there's obviously something wrong with you, or there's something wrong with your relationship, which is obviously not the truth. I mean, the truth. We're going to do episodes about non-monogamy in specific later and why pushing monogamy on people or pushing toxic monogamy traits on everybody just doesn't work for people naturally.
00:06:18
Speaker
But in this case, accept that like, hey, my partner may have a bad reaction to this. But what I will say is that if this is something that you're fantasizing about a lot and this is something you really want to do with your life, that is a conversation that you should have because
00:06:34
Speaker
your partner may also want to have a threesome. Again, going back to the stat, 80% of Americans want to have a threesome. So there's a good or not one half fantasized about having a threesome. So there's a good chance that your partner has thought about it too, especially if
00:06:50
Speaker
Either if you're a man or a woman and you're dating a bi person or you're bi yourself, statistically, more than any other demographic, bi people are the most likely to have a threesome. So if you're like, hey, you're bi and I know you want to explore your sexuality, or hey, I'm bi and I want to explore my sexuality, I want to bring this up to you. And if you say no, we can have further conversations, but that's okay right now.
00:07:14
Speaker
But this is what I want to talk to you about and I want to be open and honest and have communication with you. And if you come from it from a place of grace and love, and if your partner can't have a respectful communication with you about this after they get past their immediate emotional reaction, then that's on them. Because at the end of the day, I would want Natalie to tell me anything that she feels that she wants in the bedroom or something that she needs.
00:07:39
Speaker
I think that comes down to like the point of communication because there is this like really sad statistic that over half of Americans don't feel comfortable sharing their sexual fantasy with their partner. And that really puts a huge barrier in the bedroom, barrier in your relationship and barrier in communication. So my advice is bring it up, have that conversation as hard as it may be to accept that your partner may have an
00:08:11
Speaker
a strong emotional reaction to start off with because of monogamy and how it's pushing our society. And three, understand that this may be a long running conversation. Don't try to coerce your partner into having a threesome. Don't push it if they don't really want it. But understand that this may be a conversation and this may be something that they wanted to bring up to you too. I think the other thing to also make clear when you bring it up too is
00:08:38
Speaker
that you care a lot about your partner's comfortability. So you can offer to them that, you know, I'd love to figure out a way, what our boundaries are, what would make you feel comfortable, you know, maybe there's going to be certain things that are off limit that your partner only wants you two to have in your relationship and to not do with this third person. Maybe it's about what kind of person, you know, do you want it to,
00:09:06
Speaker
be somebody you've known for a while? Do you want it to be someone you meet and just go write in? Do you want to have a certain amount of dates with this person before you do it? And kind of be proactive about saying like, hey, you're allowed to have whatever boundaries you want with us as well. And we can talk about that in depth. And I think that's a really important thing that Natalie
Setting Boundaries and Expectations
00:09:30
Speaker
brought up that I didn't really think about was
00:09:33
Speaker
When you have a threesome, you have to remember that while it might be your fantasy, the reality is you're having two other individuals with their own fantasies, with their own interests. And as we move into later conversations, we're going to talk about how to have those conversations before threesome.
00:09:52
Speaker
When you bring up the initial conversation, you need to understand that like, hey, your partner may also want a threesome, but the threesome that they want isn't that the same threesome that you want. And you have to respect that they have their own fantasies and they have their own desires. Maybe I bring up to Natalie that like, Hey, I want a threesome. And my threesome is me, her, and another woman where I'm the center of attention. And Natalie can say, Hey,
00:10:19
Speaker
I want a threesome and her threesome is me, her, and another man where she's the center of attention. And I think that like both of those are like very, very valid desires that we should have a conversation on what we want to do moving forward. And I guess it brings to the next question that I want to go to is why do you want a threesome and why are you doing a threesome?
00:10:44
Speaker
Cause I think that a lot of couples try to have a threesome as a way to save the relationship, which is not the way, not the way to go. Or it's a partner's birthday or it's a partner's fantasy and you're having a threesome solely because you want to fulfill that dream for that person, but you're not into it.
00:11:05
Speaker
Whereas I think that it's okay to say that there's one person who's more into the idea of a threesome or one person who brought it up first. But if you're in a relationship and you really don't want to have a threesome or your partner really doesn't want to have a threesome, but they're doing it for you as a present, then I think that it's a recipe for disaster. Yeah. And I think unpacking the why is really important because you may not
00:11:34
Speaker
have this desire for a good reason, and you may have really unrealistic expectations. I think the biggest issue I see people come across when it's like, oh, this person wants a threesome, but it just doesn't feel right,
Addressing Stereotypes and Realistic Expectations
00:11:50
Speaker
is a lot of people, don't get me wrong, there can be threesomes where
00:11:57
Speaker
one party involved is very much just the center of attention, all the attention is on them, that sort of vibe. But I think from the female perspective, if you're a straight couple or a partner, a couple where it's a male-female partnership,
00:12:18
Speaker
I think a lot of the reason why women are super hesitant to have this threesome is because I think men go into it with this idea that it's just going to be like two women absolutely worshipping them. And from her perspective, it's like, well, I have needs. I don't want to have a sexual situation where it's all about one person or it's all about you. It's all about this random girl.
00:12:48
Speaker
What about me? And I think, you know, you have to like ask yourself, do I want a threesome because I think it's going to be some kind of like validation for me that like, I'm the man, I'm the shit. I have two people at once. Or do you want it because you actually want a shared pleasurable experience for everyone? Don't get me wrong. Like, I'm a service sob. There are some people where
00:13:18
Speaker
The other party's pleasure is a really big deal for them experiencing pleasure in the bedroom, but not everyone is that way. And if you come to your partner with this expectation that you're either going to push them to be more queer than they actually are,
00:13:40
Speaker
or kind of have these two people just obsessing you over all night, that's not really realistic and you kind of have to unpack why you want that.
00:13:51
Speaker
I want to interject here because you actually like what you said, and I don't know if you've read this report, forgot his name. I'll put in the show notes, but he's the guy who has like a PhD in threesomes, which is funny enough. And he's did a survey on a survey. He did a survey on satisfaction of threesomes afterwards. And what he found out was for men,
00:14:12
Speaker
they were less satisfied after their threesome for their expectation from their expectations before it and women ended up being more satisfied with the threesome than their expectations going into it and I think it goes into what you're saying is a lot of guys because of our society and our culture how we view threesomes is there's going to be my girlfriend or
00:14:36
Speaker
this woman and another woman, and I'm going to be the center of attention. They're going to obsess over me. They're both wanting to make me feel good. And in this fantasy, the women's pleasure is never focused. Women's pleasure is never talked about. And that's why when you survey different demographics about would you have a threesome, straight women are the least likely to say yes.
00:15:04
Speaker
Which makes sense because for straight women, you're probably brought in a society where threesomes is. Again, this idea
Exploration for Queer Couples
00:15:10
Speaker
where your pleasure isn't focused and your partner's pleasure is focused. And if you're straight, you're probably not into like having a threesome with another woman, but then you're like,
00:15:19
Speaker
My boyfriend probably doesn't want to have a threesome with another man, not to mention having a threesome with two men, you start bringing in the ideas of slut shaming. So which going back to your point, so I don't get too far on the tangent, it's important to set expectations. So if you're a man going into a threesome with, if you're anyone going into a threesome to say they're like, Hey, I may not be the center of attention. I may not be the focus of the pleasure of the threesome and that's okay. My partner may be the center of attention because that happens a lot in like,
00:15:49
Speaker
a couple where there's a straight man and a bi woman who has a three-some with a third bi woman, the two bi women get together or they get in the bedroom and they're like, hey, we haven't gotten to explore our bisexualities a lot. Us two are going to focus on each other because this is a new experience for us. And then the guy gets angry because he's like, well, this is not how I wanted the three-some to go in my head.
00:16:11
Speaker
I want it to be the center of attention. And these two women are like, hey, our pleasure matters too. Our experience matters too. I can get dick whenever I want, but this is like an opportunity for me to explore with women.
00:16:25
Speaker
Yeah. And I think the other really toxic why I see specifically with monogamous couples is kind of this person in the couples in a situation where they want to cheat. They may have already started emotionally cheating, which is a thing. Um, you know, maybe they have a girl at work they've been talking to. Maybe they met someone. So they're kind of,
00:16:55
Speaker
perfect response is they're like, oh, I want to fuck this person. I would cause issues in my relationship if I just did it. So why don't I have a threesome? And you have to understand that when that's your thought process about getting into it, you're kind of not even considering your partner's desires or pleasures. You're just kind of, I think you have to understand that when you want a threesome,
00:17:24
Speaker
you and your partner have to meet in the middle and kind of align your views. You might come to your partner and say, Hey, there's this girl at work. I think she's so hot. I think seeing you guys together, I think all of us, it would be so much fun. You kind of have to be realistic that your partner might say, Hey, that makes me feel weird that you've kind of already been fantasizing about someone and you have a specific role in mind. I would do a threesome, but,
00:17:52
Speaker
I would want it to be a girl that I know or I would do a threesome, but I want it to be a guy or I would do a threesome and I want us to meet and date a girl together over the course of a few months before this happens. And I think that's like a really important thing to note that before you even bring a third person or start looking for a third person to have a threesome with, to have a conversation about,
00:18:17
Speaker
what would our idea threesome look like? And maybe there's something where you experiment with one person's idea threesome one time, and then you experiment with somebody else's idea threesome a second time. Or maybe it's something where like Natalie said, you compromise and you're like, Hey, I would like to have a threesome, but I don't want it to be with somebody I know I want to be with a stranger. Yeah. And I think that like a lot of couples have this thing where their conversation is, Hey, I want to have a threesome or
00:18:46
Speaker
they watch porn or they do something to like have a, they do something that sparks the idea and the conversation stops at, Hey, let's have a threesome or there's no conversation at all. It just kind of spontaneously happens. They have very different ideas with the threesome should look like what it's going to look like. And then that ends up causing a problem in the relationship because one person is like, Hey, this wasn't a pleasurable experience for me. This wasn't what I really wanted to do. And a lot of that is caused by a lack of communication skills.
00:19:15
Speaker
Yeah. And I think the biggest thing is really, you know, going on such a tangent with this. The biggest thing is really not pushing someone into a role they don't want to be in. And that's where I do want to speak to queer couples, specifically like people who have identified as gay and lesbian and are thinking about exploring their bisexuality. I think you do also have to ask yourself, too, if you're in a queer relationship.
00:19:44
Speaker
Um, cause I think one of the most, not one of the most commons, but something I see a lot that can cause issues when it comes to threesomes and being in a queer relationship is maybe one partner wants to explore their bisexuality. And they're kind of pushing that on the other partner who's like, no, I'm very much gay or lesbian. And I don't really get any pleasure out of you bringing in this third person
Preparing for a Threesome Experience
00:20:10
Speaker
that I'm not attracted to.
00:20:12
Speaker
So I think for any couple, whether you're straight or in a queer relationship, you also have to, as you're unpacking your why, understand that maybe your why is actually you exploring something on your own. Maybe if you have this particular girl in your head, you should say, hey, I think I want to be non-monogamous. And that's a whole conversation in itself we'll get into. Or maybe if you like,
00:20:41
Speaker
are a girl and you're like, yes, I just want to be the center of attention. You do have to understand you might not be. So maybe you should seek out a couple who's really into making the unicorn the center of attention. I think that's a really fair point is the idea that you have to remember, as we said earlier, that
00:21:03
Speaker
A threesome is not you and your fantasies. It's not you playing with sex toys. It's you and two other individuals who have their own needs for pleasure, their own desires, and their own fantasies. And I think for monogamous couples coming out of threesomes, or coming for a threesome, the idea in your head, the fantasy may be hot. But I think before you include a third person in your relationship,
00:21:29
Speaker
knowing that you have couples privilege of already having like another partner. Maybe you want to like check some roadblocks first or have some road stops first and make sure that like jealousy won't be a problem. I mean, like for us having our first threesome was a long, long journey. A lot of conversations dating separately for a little bit before we got into group play. And for other couples that I've heard them do is like, Hey, we had the conversations and then we did, we take baby steps.
00:21:58
Speaker
First, we play with sex toys, which, for some people, they're like, sex toys is another reason. There's a lot of men who feel very insecure about their partner using a vibrator instead of their penises to find pleasure, which, again, is a completely other conversation. But if you're too insecure with the idea of my partner playing with a vibrator, then it's probably not the best idea to bring a third person into your relationship.
00:22:27
Speaker
or moving forward after you do like a sex toy, maybe watch porn together and say like, again, we can have a conversation about porn, but maybe watch porn together and say like, hey,
00:22:38
Speaker
Am I turned on watching my partner get turned on by someone else? Am I enjoying my partner becoming sexually attracted to someone else? Do I feel neutral about it? Or do I hate it? If you feel neutral about it or you're turned on by it, then maybe it's really some good workout. But if like watching your partner watch porn feels like it violates your
00:23:01
Speaker
Boundaries for monogamy then maybe adding the third person is not the best idea Then what I would do is like maybe you and your partner can go to a strip club again Doesn't matter what gender the stripper is probably this the gender That matches the person you want to bring into your relationship
00:23:19
Speaker
But if you're sitting there like, hey, watching my partner to get a lap dance or like give someone attention in real life turns me on, or I don't really care. I'm just happy they're having a good time. Maybe a threesome is a good idea. But maybe if you get to the strip club and you see your partner again,
00:23:36
Speaker
No matter who is into the stripper, you see your partner getting really, really into the stripper. And that makes you feel a certain way that maybe like a threesome isn't for you. My best indicator is like through all these steps, you and your partner are both into playing with toys together. Maybe are both into watching porn together. You guys go to the strip flop and you're both mutually into like the stripper.
00:24:00
Speaker
they may be bringing a third person into your relationship works for you guys. But again, like you should take baby steps on your own before you just jump and bring another person into your relationship because things can go really, really bad. Yeah. I think that's all that I have for this episode. I think we got to the point where if you check all these boxes, you're ready to start pursuing a threesome. And I think that should be for part two. Yeah. All right. Well, this has been the fun with sex podcast. Thank you for listening.