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19 - The Chuppah: a Brief and Imperfect History
54 Plays11 months ago
The Chuppah - Whether or not you've been pronouncing it correctly, you probably know it is one of THE visual symbols of a Jewish wedding. But where did it come from?
Yes! This is one of those super nerdy episodes where we talk about the Bible and the Talmud, with. - what else? - lots of tangents. :)
Don't forget - you can reach me (Rabbi LeighAnn) any time at www.yourohiorabbi.com or everyonesfavoriterabbi.com or rabbileighann.com !
Fill out the contact form there if you'd like to work with me on your wedding. There are SO many options, from Ketubah consulting to ceremony planning. If there's something you have in mind, don't hesitate to ask - I'm here to help!
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Podcast IG: @yourjewishweddingpodcast
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Hope to see you next time! Remember - there is ALWAYS more learning to do!
<3 Rabbi LeighAnn
Show notes:
Bava Metzia: https://www.sefaria.org/Bava_Metzia.75b.15?lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en
Jewish Law on Placing the Chuppah outdoors:
https://outorah.org/p/27297/
Reference for synagogue skylights for a chuppah:
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/the-huppah-or-wedding-canopy/
Honi the Circle Maker:
https://www.emanuelnyc.org/2021/01/25/the-story-of-honi-and-the-carob-tree/
The art in my living room:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1282770863/tree-of-life-no-2-paper-giclee-print
The photo of the indoor Jewish wedding I mentioned:
My Pinterest Page for Chuppahs:
Recommended
Transcript
Rabbi Leanne's Role in Wedding Planning
00:00:01
Speaker
Brides and grooms listen to me. If there is something that you absolutely do not want as part of your wedding ceremony, and I am officiating your wedding ceremony or I'm helping you plan it. So you've put me in a position of like some kind of authority over saying what goes and what doesn't. I am happy to be the person that your mother-in-law is annoyed with. Rabbi Leanne says, no. Well, who is Rabbi Leanne anyway? I can't stand her. Guess what? That's fine with me. That's fine. I have teenagers.
00:00:32
Speaker
I'm used to people being miffed at me and giving me the silent treatment for not very good reasons. And you know what? I'm still alive. It's fine. Everything's fine. Rabbi Lian says, no, actually, even if you are not planning on contacting me at all, and you're just listening to this podcast because you want to plan your Jewish wedding and you want as much information about every aspect as possible, but you're not going to call me for whatever reason.
00:00:59
Speaker
You can still say those four magic words. Rabbi Leanne says no. Oh, who is Rabbi Leanne? No, she only has an entire podcast all about Jewish weddings. She's only gotten online and talked for hours and hours about it. You think she knows something? There is a likelihood that whoever is picking this
00:01:25
Speaker
aspect of your wedding to be cantankerous over, they, you know, they might respect me. Even if I'm only on a podcast, who knows? You can try it. It won't hurt. Are you planning a Jewish or interfaith wedding?
Guidance for Jewish or Interfaith Weddings
00:01:38
Speaker
Are you lost on where to even begin planning the ceremony, let alone finding a rabbi to help you?
00:01:45
Speaker
Well, it doesn't matter whether one of you is Jewish or you're both Jewish. You deserve a guide. So take a deep breath. I promise it will all be okay. Welcome to Your Jewish Wedding with Rabbi Lian. Here, I can be everyone's rabbi, yours too. My guests and I will share everything we know to help make your Jewish or interfaith wedding full of tradition and perfectly yours.
00:02:30
Speaker
Well, hello, everyone. I am so happy to have you here with me today. It's actually a Thursday and not a Friday.
Podcasting Amidst Jewish Tragedies
00:02:37
Speaker
I am sitting and recording this podcast, first of all, because I happen to have a little stretch of time. But also, I have to tell you, it brings me a lot of comfort. In the past week, we have had
00:02:53
Speaker
pogroms hit the Jewish people again for the first time in decades and in the state of Israel no less. You know it's one thing to read about
00:03:09
Speaker
some of the things that the Jewish people have gone through. And I think we all learn about violence against Jews, the pogroms, people going house to house, burning buildings, murdering, treating fellow human beings with so much brutality that it's almost unfathomable.
00:03:33
Speaker
And to see it in this age of social media almost happening in real time, it has certainly shaken me up, a bit of an understatement. And I've been chatting with a bunch of people that I know because I officiated their wedding or because they're friends of mine. And one small comfort is to know that I'm not alone in those feelings.
Exploring Jewish Identity and Heritage
00:04:01
Speaker
A lot of you contact me and as part of our conversations, you let me know that in one way or another you feel a bit disconnected from your Jewish heritage or your Jewish faith.
00:04:14
Speaker
And sometimes people tell me that even though some part of them wants a Jewish wedding, you know, they're just not sure about how much of that part of themselves they should represent in their wedding ceremony or even, sadly, deserve to represent.
00:04:34
Speaker
And if you've been sort of waiting for a sign to learn some more about your Jewish heritage, to tap into your connection to the Jewish faith and implementing
00:04:49
Speaker
some more expressions of that into your life. I hate to say take this as your sign, but perhaps if you felt any gut reaction to the events of the past week, and I'm recording this on October 12th, 2023,
00:05:06
Speaker
Consider it your sign that you have a deeper connection to the Jewish people than you may have thought before. You know, a lot of our connections to our heritage and our families of origin and our ancestors.
00:05:24
Speaker
can feel very cerebral until, unfortunately, something horrible happens. And then we get a feeling in our kishkas, you know, that word, it's a Yiddish word, it means in your guts, you know, somewhere deep inside yourself that you can't explain, you can't control. Consider this your sign to really explore in earnest what it might mean for you to have a Jewish wedding or a partly Jewish wedding.
The Chuppah: Tradition and Personalization
00:05:51
Speaker
I'm sure you've already been considering that if you are here, but that was pretty much my thought. I was like, how am I going to mention this or address it?
00:06:03
Speaker
If you're listening from the future, I hope things have gotten a lot better. But for now, I think that we all have a need to get our reactions to what has been happening in Israel off our chests. So that was mine. So with that said, let's get into today's topic. Today we're going to talk about the chuppah. And I thought to myself when I was sitting down to plan this podcast episode, everyone knows what a chuppah is.
00:06:33
Speaker
Everybody wants a chuppah almost, I have never had.
00:06:36
Speaker
a Jewish wedding or spoken to a Jewish wedding couple or a Jewish interfaith wedding couple who was like averse to having a Chobah. It's beautiful. And everybody wants one. So I thought, wow, this is going to be easy peasy. I don't have to, you know, go to in depth and explain myself. But of course you guys know me, you know what happened. Of course, I went really in depth into the topic. You know, I don't even know why I tell myself I'm going to tackle a topic in just one episode because I'm not. I'm just not.
00:07:07
Speaker
You know, it's a Jewish value. I'm working on an adult Sunday school class at my synagogue that I'm planning and leading about Jewish values, like personal qualities that
00:07:23
Speaker
every person should have or strive to have. And there's a list of them in Pirkea vote. The first one is Talmud, which does not refer to the body of Jewish law that I'm referencing quite often here. It refers to the practice of learning, like actively learning about stuff. Even if you think you know everything about it, even if you think you know this is gonna be straightforward talk, pretty easy. It is a really treasured quality
00:07:52
Speaker
for people to have to have this sense of like, let's learn some more though. And you know, I always say there's always more learning to do, of course. And every time I
00:08:04
Speaker
take my own advice, I find out I'm gonna have a two-part podcast topic. It's just gonna have it. And sometimes it's three parts. If you're here, once again, you've come to expect this of me. Maybe you find it endearing. Maybe I'm on in the background while you're cleaning your bathroom. Whatever it is, I'm glad you're here. Anyway, today we're gonna talk about the background of where did the custom of a chuppah come from?
00:08:31
Speaker
What does it mean? What does it signify? And a little bit about what are their requirements for, and I put that in quotes, big air quotes, quote unquote, requirements for how to make a chuppah. And how does that connect to their origin and the background history behind a chuppah?
00:08:50
Speaker
So the first thing I should say is, here's your pronunciation guide from Rabbi Leanne. When I am poking around in the corners of the internet and trying to find some information about any Jewish topic that maybe I haven't learned before, I always land on some YouTube talk and oftentimes it's some aspect of Jewish practice from a Christian perspective. We don't need to talk about that right now. But anyway,
00:09:17
Speaker
I am hearing so many people pronounce chupa as hupa, which sounds fun. It actually sounds maybe like an exclamation of joy, hupa, but that is actually an amalgamation of a Yiddish pronunciation, which is the one that we typically use.
00:09:39
Speaker
A Yiddish pronunciation would be chuppah and a modern Hebrew pronunciation. So the language spoken in the state of Israel today, modern Hebrew would be chuppah. So you would still have that oo sound, but the accent is on the end. And please, my Christian friends, I know it's not part of your typical daily speech. I know you haven't practiced.
00:10:08
Speaker
I encourage you, I won't be upset if you just try the chuh. Just try it. Try to say chuppah. You know, it never hurts to learn the correct way to do things, okay? Anyway, there are so many parts of a Jewish wedding that I am going to be speaking about on this podcast or that I speak with my couples about because they are absolutely not familiar with it. The chuppah is not one of them. It is iconic.
00:10:37
Speaker
And I have to hand it to Jewish Wedding Instagram. There are so many beautiful photos of everyone's chupas. I think there are lots of chupas that are not part of Jewish weddings. That's fine. Whatever. I feel like in the year 2023, the chupa is the most coveted part of a Jewish wedding ceremony. Everybody's excited for that chupa.
00:10:57
Speaker
When you close your eyes and imagine what is present at your ideal wedding ceremony, if you are Jewish or if you love a Jewish person, if you're getting married to a Jewish person, if you're a Jewish person's future sister-in-law or father-in-law and you're helping to plan their Jewish wedding and that's why you're listening, almost everybody, I can almost guarantee when you envision that wedding, one of the first things that pops into your little imagination vision is the chippah.
00:11:27
Speaker
We've all seen them, they're so beautiful. Once again, iconic, as they say in Riverside, iconic and beyond reproach. What's not to love? As your Babbi would say, what's not to love about a chuppah? And a lot of couples I speak to have not really thought about how they're going to make the chuppah their own, but a lot of you have.
00:11:50
Speaker
And I love that so much. The Chippah is also gonna be one of our catch all elements of a Jewish wedding ceremony for personalization. And we are actually gonna talk about that in the next episode. So hold on. I just get so excited for it. This is another episode already. I'm sitting here smiling. Okay, I'm smiling into the mic. You can't see me, I'm not doing video. But I'm smiling, I promise.
00:12:16
Speaker
So no matter what kind of chuppah you have, it's really difficult to make a wedding canopy look like an eyesore. It's basically always a gorgeous focal point. Endless ways to include your personality into it. Next episode, I promise. Okay. But where did it come from?
Historical Evolution of the Chuppah
00:12:31
Speaker
A lot of people ask me what is the symbolism of a chuppah? I know we've spoken about this before, probably in the, but Rabbi, we're not religious episode. But anyway, there is no one explanation for literally any part of the Jewish wedding.
00:12:45
Speaker
That's what makes planning your Jewish wedding so magical because whatever your Jewish vibe is, okay, whatever you are excited for about your marriage or whatever you think that your wedding ceremony should be like, we will find a traditional explanation of that thing or even add our own explanations to the traditional explanation, right? We're gonna do some learning together. We'll get your thoughts and my thoughts on what would be good for you. We'll go over it. The Chippah is no exception.
00:13:16
Speaker
Okay, we have mentions of the chuppah all the way back in the Bible. What else? Everything we do has some connection to the Bible. Now, maybe that won't be so true as we move forward. We shall see, friends. I'm always learning.
00:13:33
Speaker
But we have mentions of Chupa in the Bible. Back in Psalms, it speaks about a groom coming forth from his Chupa, his canopy. That verse is actually used in the Seven Wedding Blessings, which is a whole other episode, probably two episodes. It's used in like a really beautiful lyrical sense, but it's pretty clear that the groom is going to walk out of his canopy, his Chupa,
00:14:01
Speaker
in order to present himself to his bride. Can we do a little pause right now? I've got to put this disclaimer, the same one I did for the background of the Kachuba episode, okay? Anytime we're talking about a Jewish custom and its background, its place in history, my language will sound, and my language will be very heteronormative. Why? Because the institution of marriage and the customs that surrounded the wedding ceremony
00:14:32
Speaker
historically are just heterosexual. They just are. Gay marriage and weddings have not really been an official thing.
00:14:42
Speaker
until or since, or they have only been a thing since the last few decades. Okay. As we move forward into speaking about my advice, my how tos, um, things for my contemporary couples to think about when they're planning their Jewish or Jewish interfaith wedding, I will use more inclusive language because that is important to me. I want everyone to hear that.
00:15:07
Speaker
But when we're referencing the Bible, we're going to talk about brides and grooms because that's how it's referenced there, okay? For authenticity's sake. Authenticity is one value, inclusion is another value. We're trying to wrap them all up together. So in the book of Genesis, remember, I recommended this to you guys. It is just you want a juicy drama read and also to study Jewish text. That's where I'm going to point to you, Genesis 24.
00:15:31
Speaker
Abraham found a bride for his son Isaac. That bride was Rebecca, and the costumes of her wedding are detailed in the Torah. So it's kind of a cool basis for a few things we do, and you'll hear more about that when we talk about Bedekin. That's coming up in the next episodes I'm going to record. So the internet told me.
00:15:53
Speaker
that Abraham's servant planted a tree for Rebekah so that she could quote, unquote, sit in its shade, and that this tree is thought to be the first chuppah. So, you know, I went to Genesis 24 looking through the book, trying to find the reference for you guys. I'm trying to be responsible in my show notes. I scoured Genesis. It wasn't there. I scoured some books of Midrash, which are
00:16:20
Speaker
sort of storytelling commentary on the Torah. Couldn't find anything about Abraham's servant planting a tree for Rebekah, but I like it. Whatever, tree or not, instead it says that what I did find is that Rebekah was brought to her mother-in-law's Ohel, which means tent. So, I don't know, it's not as romantic as having a tree planted to sit in its shade, and the tent is not a Chappah, but
00:16:48
Speaker
We will have some references to Abraham and Sarah's tent as they relate to the Chappas. So who knows? Maybe that's what it is. One of you who knows more than I do. Are you a super scholar on Midrash? Do you know what this is referring to? Please get in touch with me. You're a Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com and tell me, please help me. Okay. There's always more learning to do. And this is some learning that I tried to fulfill and could not. Okay.
00:17:17
Speaker
Then in Psalm 19, we have this little mention, this actual mention with the word chuppah. The sun goes out like a groom from his chuppah is the verse. It's talking about the miracle of creation. By the way, this is an explanation for your chuppah that you can use in your wedding ceremony.
00:17:37
Speaker
The sun comes forth every day and shines its light on the possibility of a new day, just like the possibility of your new life together. Oh, gosh, that's so good. I need to. Sorry, I need to write that down. Hold on. I'm literally going to open. I just thought of that. See, you've got a rabbi who thinks on her feet. I'm putting that in my wedding planning notes.
00:18:01
Speaker
How nice. So if you both would almost like to enact this custom of like a groom coming out of his chuppah to greet the bride, you know, we can make it egalitarian. We can make anything egalitarian. My brain is egalitarian. We can do it, guys. And use this explanation. Let's go. I love a good Bible nerd conversation, as many of my wedding couples know already. Maybe it's a little much for you, whatever.
00:18:29
Speaker
But man, how cool. Okay, I just typed it out, fine. But this is the evidence that we have that the Khapa used to refer to the home that the groom had built and was offering to his wife. Okay, so he's put himself in this home that he's prepared for them as a couple and to begin a life together. And it's sort of the background to his
00:18:53
Speaker
coming to greet her, coming to receive her. And if you have seen a Jewish wedding and you've seen the moment that the couple meets one another under the khatba, it is beautiful. It is full of splendor. It's like the rays of the sunshine are shining down on them. It's beautiful. We will see how this meaning of the word khatba changes later on. We're going to fast forward to the Talmud in Ketubot. The entire tractate is literally just about what's supposed to be in a Ketubah.
00:19:20
Speaker
A bunch of guys sitting around arguing about what a katuba has to say. And you know what? Almost 2000 years later, nobody agrees. Eh. That's being Jewish for you. I love it. Okay. So in the Talmud, Ketubot 8B, the pages of the Talmud, by the way, are like vinyl. They have two sides, A side, B side. The B side is not really any different from the A side in terms of like content, but I don't know, maybe it is.
00:19:48
Speaker
Somebody read the, tell me if the B side is like, is like the same as the B side of an album. Okay. I'm joking. Okay. In Ketubot 8B, Parak 5, Parak is like, I don't know, it's like sort of broken up. Not all the Prakim are the same, but just for reference's sake. Okay. And I will put this in the show notes, link to this text and all the texts on safaria.org. Amazing resource. Rav Hanan Bar Rav said,
00:20:15
Speaker
Everyone knows why a bride enters the wedding canopy. Why? Rav Chanaan. It's the step before consummation of the marriage. Oh, okay. So in Psalms, we've got the groom coming forth from the Chapa to greet his bride. Now in the Talmud, you know, fast forward a thousand years, whatever, now it's
00:20:40
Speaker
the aftermath of the wedding. So we're not coming out of the chuppah to greet the bride. That is, the chuppah instead is the place where the couple's first official togetherness is going to happen. This is actually really funny. Rav Hanan goes on to say, you guys don't need to talk about what happens in the chuppah. He's like, don't, get your mind out of the gutter. It's literally what Rav Hanan says here. Go click on the link, it's pretty funny.
00:21:10
Speaker
He's like, all this work that you've done to not gossip and not be talking about inappropriate things with your friends. So he says that is the place. The chuppah refers to the place in the Talmud. It refers to the place where the couple has their first couple together time. So now you can see that we've moved to a communal understanding of the chuppah as the couple's literal first quote unquote home for the number one purpose of marriage, which is procreation.
00:21:38
Speaker
all the beautiful things we were saying about the sun shining on the possibility of a new... No, it's literally now the kappa is... We just know that's where the couple is going to have their number one time together. And he's like, guys, you've got to stop making jokes about it. Seriously, it's getting to be a lot. All right. But what is a kappa? What even is it? Lucky for you, the Talmud talks about that as well. We're in track to eat baba mitziah, which is not about weddings.
00:22:08
Speaker
dot page 75B, parrot 15, they're talking about what happens if you, actually guys, this is about weddings. What happens if you hire someone to do something for you?
00:22:26
Speaker
and they ghost you. And this is literally talking about what happens if you hire someone for a wedding or a funeral. So if someone hires a donkey driver or to bring stuff or they hire a band and they don't show up to the wedding or the funeral, what do you do? That's the context of this little section. So he's talking about weddings, obviously says if one hired a donkey driver to bring the hoopa poles,
00:22:56
Speaker
From what I could tell, this is like a first mention of how do you make a chuppah? Well, now we know that poles are part of the chuppah structure and they're super portable. Interesting. They can fit into a donkey driver's wagon.
00:23:12
Speaker
Cool. I bet you didn't anticipate this would turn into a full blown tech study, but here we are. And I know a lot of you, a lot of you are sitting there rolling your eyes right by Leanne. This is not interesting. You know, when I say interesting, like, no, it's not interesting. Welcome to my super specific Bape Madrash house of study. I guess that's what we're here for.
00:23:35
Speaker
So we can see here that in the Mishnah, that a khabah is made with just poles. So just like it is for the most part today.
00:23:44
Speaker
I always think it's very cool when there's something we do today that is literally basically the same as what they did in the days of the Mishnah. In fact, I have a chuppah made of birch poles and also one made of metal poles and they just like live at my house because I knew a lot of people, a lot of wedding couples were having trouble finding a chuppah and I was like, you know what, I'm just going to get one in case somebody needs it.
00:24:08
Speaker
And then, you know, we can just, I can bring it in my van. I am the donkey driver. And I am donkey driving the chuppah to a wedding in Kentucky this weekend. Not this weekend, actually, next weekend. Very cool. If one of you like makes me a t-shirt or something that says,
00:24:28
Speaker
helpful donkey driver. I will not be surprised. Okay. I am glad though that I'm not a literal donkey driver because my van has air conditioning, has Bluetooth, and I am sure those donkey driver schleppers from the Mishnah would have rather had that too. And as we said two episodes ago, thank goodness for that because I do not do well in the heat.
00:24:51
Speaker
In a lot of sources, they use the phrase, make a chuppah. So a lot of sources after this, fast forwarding from the Talmud, they use the phrase, quote unquote, make a chuppah. And chuppah has now morphed into being synonymous with the wedding ceremony. Okay, there's some of this in the Talmud, which is a bit later than the Mishnah.
00:25:11
Speaker
Don't worry about it, but the meaning shifts. So now it has shifted from the home the groom has prepared to the setting of the couple's first married act. Okay, and now it's landed somewhere in the middle at these times when we're talking about the chippah synonym for the wedding ceremony. So somewhere in the middle. Fast forward to the Shulchan Aru, about a thousand years.
00:25:36
Speaker
Yes, we are talking, still talking about all the stuff that they wrote in the Talmud, which is where they talked about all the stuff that was in the Bible. We're still talking about it now, okay? Literally on this podcast, welcome to the chain. In the Shulchan Aruch, from around the year 1560-ish,
00:25:55
Speaker
which is the most widely accepted compilation of halacha or Jewish law ever written, so people still go according to the Shulchan Aruch, okay? They still live their lives in the year 2023. According to the Shulchan Aruch, it's normal. The Shulchan Aruch has this to say about a chuppah, what a chuppah is, okay? He's got a lot to say about weddings and stuff, but the structure of a chuppah, here's what Joseph Caro who wrote the Shulchan Aruch has to say.
00:26:22
Speaker
There are those who say that the chuppah is when they spread a cloth over the bride's head at the time of the wedding blessing. Interesting. He says, however, there is also a simple custom nowadays to call the chuppah a place where they place a cloth on poles and bring the groom and bride underneath in public. And that's where they say the wedding blessings.
00:26:47
Speaker
And then they walk them to their house and they go into a secluded place. And that's what we call the chuppah now. Okay. So interesting that he, at this time we can see there are still some people who have the custom of just like literally holding a chuppah over the bride and groom's head. When the blessings, only when the seven wedding blessings are being said.
00:27:07
Speaker
So, oh, interesting, if you don't want to have a chuppah with poles, there's plenty of evidence that that is like not necessary even. It's just a lot easier, trust me. So by this time, the chuppah has become completely symbolic, right? It's not utilitarian. It's not to prove that the groom has prepared a house. It is not for post-wedding shenanigans. No intimacy.
00:27:36
Speaker
has actually happened under any chuppah since definitely medieval times. Okay, so if you are listening to this because you are one of the wedding couple's attendants and you wanna use this to make jokes or whatever, remember what Rav Hanan said, first of all, don't make jokes about that, gross. But also, we haven't done that for a long time, okay, don't worry. And that's what the chuppah is today, okay?
00:28:05
Speaker
Now, for a bit broader of a background, ha, already I've been talking for 32 minutes, meh, whatever. So, let's take a short break and then we will come back and talk about the larger reason that Jews get married under Achaaba historically.
00:28:41
Speaker
Okay, welcome back. So remember that little mention I dropped about the tent of Abraham and Sarah at the beginning of this episode all the way back in the soap opera drama book of Genesis in the Bible. Jews have a lot of tents.
00:29:04
Speaker
That sounds strange, okay. Tents are like a big part of the Jewish narrative. We have this thing, you know, we wandered in the desert for 40 years to reach the land of Israel. When you are wandering, traveling, schlepping for 40 years straight, you get pretty good at glamping. Okay, actually,
00:29:31
Speaker
If you really wanna geek out, yes, please, Rabbi Leon. If you really want to geek out about this whole tent thing, this is a narrative that actually goes hand in hand with the development of monotheism. Monotheism, at the time of its inception, we take it for granted now, yeah, okay, one God, yeah, there's one God, okay. We've got not one, not two, but three monotheistic religions. One of them, Islam, is the biggest religion on the planet.
00:30:00
Speaker
You know, it's a pretty normal idea now, but at its inception monotheism was this absolutely nutty idea, okay? So what do you mean there's one God? Like clearly, you know, before then they were like, well, you know, obviously the gods have to like live somewhere or the gods have to be like responsible for a place, right? So how could there be just like one God controlling everything? There's no way. Gods aren't that powerful. Jews were like, yes, actually.
00:30:29
Speaker
That is what we believe, that that one God is that powerful. And probably what contributed to people having such a strong identification and enthusiasm for this idea of monotheism of one God. One of the big perks of having just one God is that, congratulations, your God is portable now. When you change locations wandering Jews, you don't also have to switch gods. Do I sound like a commercial for monotheism?
00:31:00
Speaker
You know, I do think it's a good idea. Aside from like the whole Jewish faith thing, like that makes sense, right? It's kind of nice. If you change locations, you don't have to switch gods. Gosh, if you're one of those Instagram people who's traveling everywhere all the time, I'm talking to some of my brides, you know who you are. Beautiful, beautiful trips y'all take. Imagine if you had to switch gods every time you like went to the beach. Unreal. You know, the Jews actually
00:31:27
Speaker
So they got these tablets of the Ten Commandments. All of y'all know, even if you're not Jewish, probably watched the Ten Commandments growing up. Easter time. You got these tablets of the Commandments. All right. Well, they're, I understand that they're rocks. Okay. And I understand they're heavy, but we can't just like leave them here. So they're slapping around these giant tablets with the Ten Commandments on them.
00:31:50
Speaker
that Moses brought down from the mountain. Like, thanks, what are we supposed to do with this? What are they supposed to do? Well, luckily God told them, all right, it's going to be fine because you guys are glamping anyway. And if anyone deserves a really, really nice tent.
00:32:09
Speaker
it's like my presence come down from Mount Sinai in the form of tent commandments. So there are large sections of the book of Exodus with very detailed instructions about what God's tent, the Mishkan, was supposed to look like. So super fancy tent, Jews love tents. We even made a tent for our God. All right, so we, and we also, by the way, have an entire holiday.
00:32:37
Speaker
which is eight days long, where we have to live in a tent in our backyard. It's like a hut. The fancy word for it is tabernacle, okay? The holiday of Sukkot, which we just finished. Yeah, we love tents. We put string lights on them. We put a couch and a TV out there. So of course we have like this memory of dwelling in tents for 40 years. It's impossible to forget it because every year for eight days we,
00:33:07
Speaker
it out again. We literally kept the physical representation of our God in a tent for 40 years. It was a really nice tent too, by the way, like gold, silver, beautiful cloth. Amazing. So it makes sense, right? That if we're like, okay, how are we going to symbolize that these two people are forming their own household together? Well, let's put them in a tent.
00:33:36
Speaker
obviously. So I understand that a chuppah is not a tent. And in fact, side note here, I really agonized over this question for like several hours because I have a coffee mug that I love deeply. And it says sukkot, which is that holiday I just talked about. It says sukkot, it's intense. But intense is not spelled I-N-T-N-S-E, like intense, like hardcore. It's spelled
00:34:06
Speaker
I-N-T-E-N-T-S, in tents, get it? There's your rabbi joke for today. So I was like, hey, I'm a wedding rabbi, can I make merch that says Jewish weddings, they're in tents. All right, so I was like looking at definitions of tents. A chuppah's not a tent, okay? A chuppah's a canopy.
00:34:28
Speaker
because it doesn't have walls, fine, whatever. So we can't say Jewish weddings are in tents, not in the jokey way anyway. But it is a beautiful approximation of a tent. And in fact, there is a mention of the tent of Abraham and Sarah, and it is called a tent, and oh hell, in the book of Genesis, that it is open on all sides.
00:34:58
Speaker
So the sukkah, by definition, has to have walls. The chuppah, by definition, has to not have walls. Right, so the idea is that the sides of the chuppah are open because, number one, it represents a brand new home.
00:35:16
Speaker
And of course, obviously this is your first minutes in your new home. You all haven't had a lot of time to build it out yet. Number two, the most important part of that new home is the foundation. Who cares about walls when you have each other? Very romantic. It's just the two of you. If the foundation is strong, the home is going to be strong eventually. Don't sweat the walls. Okay. But like the tent of Abraham and Sarah,
00:35:37
Speaker
The sides of your chuppah are open so that your family and guests can all clearly see it's the two of you and nobody else at the center of that home. And like Abraham and Sarah, one of your greatest values is to be open and welcoming to family who are there to support you in the early days of your new life together.
00:35:58
Speaker
By the way, the big deal about Abraham and Sarah's tent being open on all sides, this is how the storytelling explanations of the biblical text go, the midrash, that Abraham and Sarah kept all the walls of their tent open, like tied back, because in the desert,
00:36:16
Speaker
you can see people coming from a ways away. And if all the sides were open, they would be able to see that visitors were coming and they would be able to prepare to greet them and welcome them and give them sustenance and water. And honestly, I mean, that's really nice. And there's a cool story about like angels disguising themselves as like downtrodden travelers and coming to Abraham and Sarah's tent and then they realized they were angels and
00:36:41
Speaker
The angels blessed them because they were so nice to them, even though they looked like vagabonds. But honestly, I always think when I hear that story, Abraham and Sarah, they probably just wanted to catch the breeze in the desert, right? It's hot. That's neither here nor there. Anyway.
00:36:57
Speaker
Open sides, close sides, aside. Being in search of a home, the idea of being in search of a home is an inextricable part of a Jewish theme, right? When do you have a tent that it's really easy to pack up and take somewhere else? When you don't have a solid home, okay? So the Chippah represents Jewish ingenuity in being able to establish a home anywhere.
Symbolism of the Chuppah in Jewish Culture
00:37:26
Speaker
Right, anywhere you go, you are able to quickly and easily put up a chuppah, start new families, create new things. And in 2000 years of exile, almost 2000 years of exile from our homeland, the land of Israel, the beauty of being able to celebrate and to start new things and to make a Jewish life anywhere we go.
00:37:56
Speaker
is a really important part of the Jewish story, Jewish sensibility, Jewish spirit, but it's also romantic. Because what it says is, all right, as long as I have four poles and a piece of cloth and the person that I love, I will always be able to make a home.
00:38:19
Speaker
So when the two of you stand under that Chupa together, it represents that now you have come home. You have found your home. Or you're declaring that this person is your home from this day forward. I mean, it also says that we can party anywhere, right? I love that. We are always ready to party. We are always ready to start again. There is a spirit of resilience and optimism in Jewish culture.
00:38:46
Speaker
that anytime, anyplace, we can put a chuppah in any space and have a party and celebrate the beauty of life beginning again, new homes being created all the time.
00:39:00
Speaker
So if you're not really into like the heavy biblical explanations or the, you know, religious explanations of why Chupa, listen, on a more meta level, okay, we do have this idea of tents or canopies being sacred things. Obviously, they're spiritually meaningful to Jews, but
00:39:24
Speaker
I have seen so much online, people say like, oh, well, the chuppah represents God's presence at your ceremony. And that is definitely an explanation that you can use. Okay. Chuppah sounds a lot like the word kippah, even though they are spelled differently, they are not the same word, but the word lechapot in Hebrew, which is where the noun chuppah comes from, or maybe it's vice versa. I don't know, but it means to cover, to protect. So,
00:39:54
Speaker
It represents a new home for all the reasons we said, but also because it is creating a protected space for just the two of you. It's covering you and, and marking off this little space in the universe at this time in this place as just yours. You know, your wedding is a time when you, the wedding ceremony especially is a time when you as a couple are meant to be focused 100% on one another.
00:40:24
Speaker
Obviously during the ceremony, you know, the rabbi or the officiant will speak. Your family might come up to the chuppah to do a reading, to give a blessing. So other people will be next to it or under it at certain times, most likely.
00:40:41
Speaker
And by the way, if you have this sensibility of like, nope, the chuppah is just for me and the person I'm marrying, Rabbi Lian, can we make that happen? Of course, the answer is yes. We can get a smaller chuppah so that I or your officiant stands behind it and not underneath it. But the idea is that it should be like a cloud, like a bubble. Clouds, by the way, are another thing that are compared to tents and another thing that clouds
00:41:10
Speaker
protected the Jewish people as part of their story. So that's pretty cool. But it's a protective place, a sweet place, a romantic place for just the two of you to be suspended in space and time. You know, it marks it off. You have this feeling deep within yourself, hopefully during your wedding ceremony, there will never be another moment
00:41:34
Speaker
no other place in all of space and time will be the same as this one. And when you mark it off in that way, I think it can help you to be present in that idea and to appreciate the absolute unique momentousness and happiness of that moment when the two of you declare that you are going to
00:42:02
Speaker
Spend your lives dedicated to one another. And that's a beautiful thing. So speaking of that, I want to say if you are the parent of someone getting married and planning a Jewish interfaith wedding, and you are like Gen X, okay? You're 50, maybe 60 years old, maybe in your 40s,
00:42:28
Speaker
I don't know what it is about that generation, and I'm not like, listen, I'm in my 40s also, but I am encountering so many sets of parents, sets of Jewish parents who insist
00:42:42
Speaker
that it is the way things are done. And when I say it already sounds ridiculous, because there's no one way things are done, as you guys know. But these parents are insisting that they must, according to Jewish law or tradition or whatever it is, that they must stand under the Chippah for the entire ceremony. For couples who have done the envisioning that I asked you to invoke at the beginning of this episode, okay,
00:43:13
Speaker
Usually, they picture the chuppah and they picture standing under the chuppah with just the person that they are going to marry.
00:43:21
Speaker
not their mother-in-law, probably not even the rabbi, which is why if I've officiated your wedding, you will be able to tell people, I try and get myself out of that bubble as much as possible. Like if you're saying personalized vows, if you are, you know, obviously kissing, but any of those moments where I want you to really feel like it's just the two of you, like us against the world, you know, I try and make that happen. There should be opportunities for that in your wedding ceremony if that's something you want.
00:43:52
Speaker
And so when parents are sort of insisting on this, and I don't know what it is about this one part of the wedding, but they love to be like, oh, well, you know, the parents stand under the Khapa the whole time. And I have so many people calling me, like they don't call me, like they don't call me just about this, but we're on the, on our planning calls usually. And I say, Hey, do you have any more questions? Or maybe we're talking about the Khapa and they bring it up. They're so stressed. They're like, I don't want them standing under there the whole time. And I tell them,
00:44:22
Speaker
Now you will hear this. If we're planning a wedding together, whether I'm officiating or whether I'm helping you plan, I will give you guys this fun little thing to keep in your toolbox during the planning process, especially when you're communicating with your parents or your friends or family who feel that they have an idea of how your ceremony should go. It is four words. Are you ready? The four words are rabbi,
00:44:50
Speaker
Leanne says, no. Listen, I understand that it's difficult to juggle all the moving parts of your family and friends who are, you know, in your heart are coming to support you. They love you. They just want your day to be perfect. I know, you know, we all know. And that is why I am willing to be the bad guy.
00:45:15
Speaker
Brides and grooms listen to me. If there is something that you absolutely do not want as part of your wedding ceremony and I am officiating your wedding ceremony or I'm helping you plan it. So you've put me in a position of like some kind of authority over saying what goes and what doesn't.
00:45:31
Speaker
I am happy to be the person that your mother-in-law is annoyed with. Rabbi Leanne says no. Well, who is Rabbi Leanne anyway? I can't stand her. Guess what? That's fine with me. That's fine. I have teenagers. I'm used to people being miffed at me and giving me the silent treatment for
00:45:47
Speaker
not very good reasons. And you know what? I'm still alive. It's fine. Everything's fine. Rabbi Leanne says, no, actually, even if you are not planning on contacting me at all, and you're just listening to this podcast because you want to plan your Jewish wedding and you want as much information about every aspect as possible, but you're not going to call me for whatever reason, you can still say those four magic words. Rabbi Leanne says, no. Oh, who is Rabbi Leanne?
00:46:16
Speaker
No, she only has an entire podcast all about Jewish weddings. She's only gotten online and talked for hours and hours about it. You think she knows something? There is a likelihood that whoever is picking this aspect of your wedding to be cantankerous over, they might respect me. Even if I'm only on a podcast, who knows? You can try it. It won't hurt. See, do you hear, even if you're not gonna call me or even if you're not gonna contact me to help you with your wedding, I love you guys.
00:46:45
Speaker
I'm so happy that you're planning a Jewish or Jewish or faith ceremony. I'm so happy that you are tapping into this connection that you feel in your kishkas deep within yourself over your Jewish heritage, and you want to symbolize some of that. What better way than with the Chubba? There's so beautiful, so many sweet ways to describe them in your wedding ceremony. And if you're looking for something to say about what the Chubba represents,
00:47:13
Speaker
You don't have to, like, you know, in your program or for your officiant to talk about, you know, while she leads the ceremony or even your rabbi or whatever, just pick one. Just pick one that you like. Because I don't want anything that is said under the chuppah or during the ceremony to pull you guys out of the moment that that chuppah is supposed to create.
00:47:36
Speaker
The most important thing that is said at your wedding ceremony in terms of explanations of different customs is the one that resonates with you. By the way, it will make your guest experience all that much better, right? You don't have a responsibility to be a textbook on Jewish wedding customs for your guests. The point of your wedding ceremony is that every single part of it, including the chuppah and including the explanation for the chuppah,
00:48:07
Speaker
connects your family, friends, loved ones, guests to the two of you as a couple and the things that are important to you.
00:48:19
Speaker
So if your explanation for the chapa is like, we just really like glamping, fine. So that doesn't, enjoy yourselves. I'm so happy for you. Okay. But now I've started to move, you can tell I'm so excited about this topic. I've started to move into the next episode already. So let's hit pause on that. We will come back to talking about how you can make your chapa
00:48:41
Speaker
Perfectly, perfectly yours, representative of you, something that you are so blissfully happy to stand beneath for your ceremony. Something that is unlike any other Khapa that anyone has ever had. Tune into the next episode. So I am so glad that you all have spent this time with me that we've chatted together today. I hope you learned a lot about Khpas. I hope you enjoyed our conversation.
00:49:11
Speaker
If there's something that I missed, as always, email me, yourjewishweddingpodcastatgmail.com. I really want to hear from you. I know there's always more to learn. I know that I'm gonna miss something in every single podcast. That's part of the goal is so that I can learn more as well. So if you have any comments, questions to contribute to this discussion about chippas or about anything else about Jewish weddings, please email me at yourjewishweddingpodcastatgmail.com. You also may have heard
00:49:41
Speaker
my episode, the first A Jewish Wedding Story episode about Erin and John's backyard interfaith wedding 10 years ago, I want to hear about everyone's Jewish wedding, literally everyone's. As many people as I can talk to you about their Jewish wedding, I want to hear about it. I want to record the conversation or part of the conversation, whatever part you feel comfortable with.
00:50:05
Speaker
I've been spending some time figuring out the whole setup with the microphones and how we can do the calls. I even have a portable podcast recording setup that I can take anywhere. Erin and I were sitting in my dining room when I recorded it. I can bring it to your office.
00:50:21
Speaker
we can meet in the library or a co-working space or whatever it is, I want to hear about it. And if you think that your Jewish wedding experience can help people who are planning a Jewish or Jewish interfaith wedding, if you think it can help them put them at ease or ask them to consider something that maybe they weren't considering or helping them not forget something that everybody else forgets, please
00:50:44
Speaker
Please let me know your Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com. Tell me, hey, I'd like to share part of my wedding story or all of my wedding story. I, nothing would make me happier. I promise. Okay. So I hope you all learned a lot. I certainly did, but we must always remember until next time, there is always more learning to do.
00:51:06
Speaker
Bye-bye.
00:51:29
Speaker
Remember, you can always find me, Rabbi Lian, on Instagram, at, at, your Ohio rabbi. All one word for even more tips, tricks, recommendations, and wisdom on Jewish weddings.
00:51:46
Speaker
If you want to work with me on your wedding, you'll find all the info you need at YourOhioRabbi.com. Until next time, remember, you deserve the perfect wedding for you. Don't settle for anything less.