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24 - Circling and its Significance for Modern Couples
65 Plays8 months ago
What does the circling under the chuppah MEAN? Will it be weird if we do it at our wedding? Will we feel awkward? Will we freak out our guests? Should we explain it? Aaaaarggh!
Yes, for many couples, considering circling under the chuppah just feels like TOO MUCH. Too much Jewiness, too much time, too much foreign weirdness...and yet, many still feel drawn to it.
Are you hoping to include circling in your Jewish wedding and searching for an explanation for the ritual that speaks to YOU? You've come to the right place.
- Watch some videos of others circling to get an idea for how it looks and whether you want to do it.
Don't forget - you can reach me (Rabbi LeighAnn) any time at www.yourohiorabbi.com or everyonesfavoriterabbi.com or rabbileighann.com !
Fill out the contact form there if you'd like to work with me on your wedding. There are SO many options, from Ketubah consulting to ceremony planning. If there's something you have in mind, don't hesitate to ask - I'm here to help!
IG: @yourohiorabbi
Podcast IG: @yourjewishweddingpodcast
Send questions for me to answer on this podcast to:
Hope to see you next time! Remember - there is ALWAYS more learning to do!
<3 Rabbi LeighAnn
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Transcript
Getting Started with Jewish or Interfaith Weddings
00:00:01
Speaker
Are you planning a Jewish or interfaith wedding? Are you lost on where to even begin planning the ceremony, let alone finding a rabbi to help you?
00:00:12
Speaker
Well, it doesn't matter whether one of you is Jewish or you're both Jewish. You deserve a guide. So take a deep breath. I promise it will all be okay.
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:24
Speaker
Welcome to Your Jewish Wedding with Rabbi Lian. Here, I can be everyone's rabbi, yours too. My guests and I will share everything we know to help make your Jewish or interfaith wedding full of tradition and perfectly yours.
Weather in Ohio and Podcast Plans
00:00:55
Speaker
Hello, everyone. It is so good to have you here with me today for your Jewish wedding podcast with Rabbi Lian.
00:01:04
Speaker
You know how we begin these episodes. We need a weather update. I am recording this podcast on February 9th, 2024. You may not hear it for several weeks because I have a couple of really cool interviews. I'm trying to decide when to post them because I just want to spread out the goodness as much as possible of these incredible interviews that I've been lucky enough to do.
00:01:29
Speaker
Anyway, it is February 9th, 2024 in Columbus, Ohio. It's like 55 degrees and sunny. My back door is open. The dogs are thrilled because they can go in and out as they please.
00:01:51
Speaker
I always actually waffle over whether to leave the back door open because my cats have brought some interesting things into the house. But you know what? Today I am just too happy about the weather and the sunshine. Now, if you are familiar with Ohio weather or if you live in an area that is like this, this is what Ohioans often refer to as false spring.
00:02:20
Speaker
Why? Because people get so excited. They're like wearing, you know, my daughter came to Costco with me yesterday. She wore a tank top to Costco cause it was 62 degrees. Would you normally wear a tank top and 62 degree weather? No. Do you wear a tank top and 62 degree weather when it's been just so cold that you can't seem to warm up for weeks and weeks and weeks on end? Yes. It is going to turn into winter again.
00:02:48
Speaker
Mark my words, before this is over, we will have snow again here in Ohio. Not that I want snow. You all know me. I don't want it to snow. I want sunshine all the time. Because it's much better for my mental health, it's better for yours too. But this is what we refer to as fake spring, false spring. It's the first one. We may have two, we may have three, we may even have four false springs before it's finally safe to, for example, clear up our gardens.
00:03:19
Speaker
plant some seeds. Even the bulbs are fooled. When I go on a walk with my dogs around the neighborhood, I can see in everybody's yard, all the bulbs are coming up. I always just want to tell them, guys, it's a trap. It's a trap. Go back to sleep. You guys have a couple more months before it's safe to come out.
Return to Podcasting
00:03:39
Speaker
I will tell you, it's been quite a while since I have recorded a podcast. I honestly don't know what happened.
00:03:47
Speaker
Like winter break happened and I was hanging out with my kids a lot. And then there was a musical.
00:03:58
Speaker
Two of my children were in a musical. And that, I know they were the ones in the musical. And I'm not even one of those ultra involved theater moms. But during those weeks when they're doing Tech Week, if you're a theater kid and you're listening to this, a former theater kid and you're listening to this episode, you know what I'm talking about. Tech Week is like this nonstop marathon of just running the show over and over again. So the kids, they just need so much extra support.
00:04:28
Speaker
their laundry done for them, they need meals brought to them, um, all kinds of extra accommodations. And I just went into mom mode. You know, this is one of the things about working when you have kids at home. Of course they can fend for themselves, but if they don't have to at certain times like that, like if you can give them the support,
00:04:54
Speaker
you want to. Anyway, I'm back to recording and it is my intention to post episodes of this podcast fairly regularly because I know that there are those of you out there who are really following what I'm putting up because you are trying to plan a Jewish wedding or you're involved in planning a Jewish wedding in some way.
00:05:16
Speaker
And I promised you that I would be a resource for you and I do intend to keep that promise. Now back at the end of the last episode on circling, I believe it was episode 22, I talked about, you know, transparently, I want to be real on this podcast. I am not in the business or trying in any way, shape or form to make this highly produced,
00:05:46
Speaker
to get any kinds of sponsorship deals or whatever, I want us here on this podcast to have the freedom to speak freely and speak comfortably and have the kind of real conversations that come with discussing all the issues that we talk about here, obviously weddings, but also interfaith issues and also religious issues, right?
00:06:10
Speaker
So, you know, I'm just going to be honest with you. I'm still figuring out what it looks like in terms of my capabilities for managing this podcast, especially as we get into wedding season and all that. But I want you to know that the why of this podcast is the most important thing to me, which is being a resource for people who, for whatever reason, are connected to a Jewish wedding and are not really finding a resource anywhere else.
Significance of Circling in Jewish Weddings
00:06:39
Speaker
So here we are.
00:06:42
Speaker
Yes, I am glad that you all are here. And mostly I'm just glad that we're here in this together. Okay. So we had a really great episode on the origins and cultural connections of circling at a Jewish wedding.
00:07:04
Speaker
I promised you an episode about how modern couples are dealing with this ritual. Now I know I mentioned in the last episode that the vast majority of couples that I work with, not the vast majority, it's probably like 60-40, are just dismissing this ritual out of hand right at the beginning. So most of the time people want to know what the ritual means. This is going to become one of my disclaimers
00:07:33
Speaker
in every single show, I think, because I think it's very important. I want everybody to hear this often. The rituals that we do in Jewish weddings only have meaning because the Jewish people have ascribed meaning to them. Even the prayers, the prayers exist because human beings created them.
00:08:05
Speaker
And the meanings of those prayers have evolved and applied differently to different couples as the years have gone on. Okay. So if you ask me, what's the meaning of circling, you already know what I'm going to tell you. If you are listening to this podcast and you're planning to call me.
00:08:26
Speaker
to work on your wedding with you, I just hope you're ready to take notes, which you will be, or maybe you're just gonna pre-take notes by listening to this podcast. What is the significance of circling at a Jewish wedding? There are like a cajillion ways to describe it. And the only reason to seek the meaning of the ritual is so that you feel connected to it.
00:08:49
Speaker
Now, some people are looking for the most traditional, the juviest of Jewish weddings they can possibly get. They already know they want to circle, do the circling once they meet under the chuppah or for some couples when they meet halfway down the aisle. Remember Esti in the real Jewish wedding episode, she was telling us about her Jewish wedding, which by the way, Esti and her husband Ira just celebrated two years of marriage.
00:09:21
Speaker
And I am absolutely thrilled for them. Congratulations, Mazel Tov, on your second anniversary. If you get a chance, go listen to the Bride Tender podcast episode where she has Ira, her husband, on the episode. And he is, I'm gonna say he's pretty reserved during the episode. She swears he's not normally like that. And she keeps asking him like, honey, are you okay? And he says, I'm just thinking about food, because they go get amazing
00:09:49
Speaker
restaurant meals in celebration of their anniversary. So God bless you both. Anyway, I think as he told me that there was, oh, no, wait, it wasn't circling when they got halfway down the aisle. It was the bedakin. Regardless, when a couple is entering the hubba space, there is this ritual of circling. It is
00:10:10
Speaker
very Jewish coded. Anybody who sees a wedding with two people circling will know that it is. Now let's see if you paid attention at the last episode. One of three weddings. It is a Jewish wedding, obviously, or
00:10:26
Speaker
It could be a Greek wedding or it could be an Indian wedding. And the way that you're going to know which wedding it is is by looking at the setting. Now it's tricky to tell the setting between a Jewish and Indian wedding, by the way, because the Indian mandap, which is a structure under which Indian weddings typically happen, looks a lot like a huppah.
00:10:48
Speaker
It looks like a bigger, fancier chuppah, which is one of the ways you can tell. It's not always fancier, but it usually is. And it usually is brighter colors, at least from the ones that I've seen recently. And here's the real kicker. It might be hard to see. There's a fire.
00:11:07
Speaker
in the middle of the structure for an Indian wedding. And that's what the circling is done around. In the Jewish wedding, the circling is done one person around another. And in a Greek wedding, the circling is done around an altar and the couple takes the steps together as they do in an Indian wedding. Anyway, it's very Jewish coded.
00:11:29
Speaker
And people love, you know, for lack of a better term, they love the aesthetic, right? You wanna have a Jewish wedding aesthetic. You already know going into it that you wanna have the most traditional Jewish wedding possible. Yeah, you already know you're gonna do the circling. And guess what? In that instance, the meaning might not matter to you.
00:11:51
Speaker
because you already know your why, your meaning for doing it. And that is because that is what we do at Jewish weddings. And that to me is a perfectly reasonable, sound, exciting, important explanation for doing something, right? Because that's what Jews do because that's what my ancestors did. And I want to do it also great.
00:12:16
Speaker
And actually, the meaning of circling under the chuppah or the meaning of any of these Jewish wedding traditions only matters because it's what connects you to it. It may also matter because you want to offer an explanation of some or all of the rituals to your guests.
00:12:34
Speaker
If that's the case, and we're working together for your wedding, by the way, I have done this for some of my brides who are putting together wedding programs. Let's articulate what meaning resonates with you for the purposes of that program. Or if I'm doing an explainer in the wedding ceremony,
00:12:54
Speaker
I will ask you, which explanation of circling would you like me to use? And that's really what this episode is all about, is locating that meaning for your own purposes, for yourselves, okay? We're going to take a short break, and when we come back, we will start to talk about a bunch of the explanations that I have seen, heard, and read for circling under the chuppah.
00:13:35
Speaker
Hey, welcome back everybody. Now the most common explanation that I have seen, and this comes from, gosh, like podcasts I've listened to where there is somebody explaining a Jewish wedding or like websites about explaining a Jewish wedding, a lot of the times these come from an Orthodox perspective, okay?
Traditional and Kabbalistic Explanations of Circling
00:13:59
Speaker
Now we all know and we've discussed that weddings are,
00:14:06
Speaker
a marker and a signifier that there is a new home being built among the Jewish people. And obviously, the beloved standing under the Chippah are the two people who are making that home happen. So one of the traditional explanations I've seen is that the bride is circling the groom because she is indicating that he is now the center of her world.
00:14:32
Speaker
And that is an explanation that a lot of people come to me in order to plan their wedding. And if, if either person getting married is the kind of person to be prepared for everything, right? Like she reads the recipe five times before she even starts trying to cook.
00:14:57
Speaker
You know, he watches a million YouTube videos before he starts to clean the gutters, whatever it may be. Sometimes a person like that will come to a meeting with me when we're planning their wedding ceremony and they will say, no, because I know what circling under the Khaba means and it is misogynist and I'm not going to do it. So that's.
00:15:20
Speaker
why we need to talk about it and bring all these meanings out into the open. If you don't really mind the explanation of circling indicating that somebody is the center of your world, as long as you each circle the other, I think that that's a lovely explanation. Of course we know that literally your husband or wife is not going to be the literal actual center of your world.
00:15:49
Speaker
For the purposes of today's wedding celebration, that is what we're celebrating. That this person you are declaring to be the person that your life path will include for the rest of your life. It's a big deal. And we have already indicated that, by the way, we talked about this with the Bedekin.
00:16:19
Speaker
the pidekin lifting the veil and lowering it again over the bride's face. It can be given this meaning, this moment when you look into each other's eyes and say, yep, this is it. You are that one person.
00:16:37
Speaker
Right? So it doesn't even have to be like the center of your world, but just, you know, maybe the hinge point of all your relationships, things like that. This is the most important person. This idea, by the way, is expressed again in the traditional Hebrew vows, which obviously we will have at least one episode on.
00:16:55
Speaker
Another interpretation of this ritual of circling is that it is an action of making a protective bubble around somebody, right? So this goes back to the concept of protecting the person you love most in the world at the happiest time of your life.
00:17:19
Speaker
Right. There is a lot of lore in Jewish tradition about shading, about demons. And when do demons
00:17:31
Speaker
insinuate their way into your life when you are very vulnerable. And when are you most vulnerable? When you're distracted, when you're feeling so much intensity of emotion that you can't keep your guard up? I'm not joking. This is truly the philosophy. You'll find it all through the Talmud, all through other Jewish works, right?
00:17:51
Speaker
So if we walk in circles, right, we talked about this in episode 22 about the origins of circling, it appeals to that most base instinct of we want to protect what we love.
00:18:05
Speaker
So whether only one person in the couple does it or whether each person in the couple circles the other or they make this circle together, right? There is this very visual, very tactile act of creating a circle of protection.
00:18:24
Speaker
And I don't want to write off this idea of demons as silly, right? Because we can interpret demons as a lot of different things, right? Demons are things that distract you from what's really important. Demons are, you know, things that make you miss the important stuff in life. The things that cause you to
00:18:51
Speaker
go astray from what should be your real focus, right? Which is the people you love the most, the most important moments of your life, right? So when we have that experience of beloved circling under the Khapa, they are very physically and intentionally making a space where they are focusing on what's going on under that Khapa, they are focusing on one another.
00:19:16
Speaker
By the way, this is not a strange concept in Judaism. As much as we find its medieval origins, which we explained in episode 22, the first circling episode, it's a very Jewish thing to do if you've ever been in a synagogue or if you remember from your bar of bat mitzvah.
00:19:34
Speaker
during some of the prayers, there are prescribed movements right at the beginning of a certain part of the prayer service. It's the most intimate communication between the person praying and God. It's called the Amida. It's actually a silent prayer and it goes at the pace of the individual
00:19:57
Speaker
and what parts that person wants to focus on, what parts mean the most to that person, okay? Before that prayer begins, if you go to a synagogue, you will see people taking three steps backwards and taking three steps forwards again, why? Because the idea is you are physically taking yourself out of a communal space and re-entering a mental space
00:20:21
Speaker
of focusing only on God. You will also see people put a prayer shawl over their head sometimes for this part of the service. It's pretty rare, and I never do it because I don't want to mess up my hair, but prayer cards list. This is not an unheard of concept for Jewish prayer.
00:20:39
Speaker
And even if you've seen Muslim prayer, I think they're even more involved with their bodies and prayer and making this sacred space, creating a mental space of focus through the movements of their body. Okay. So if you, if this resonates with you, right, if you've ever closed your eyes to focus on something or
00:21:06
Speaker
you know, needed to sit alone with your thoughts for a while. You understand this idea. So that might be something that will make you stop and consider, you know what? I actually think that this circling thing is not such a bad idea. There's another explanation that I read that some of you may like. It's related to Kabbalah. I have to confess, okay? When one goes to rabbinical school, one takes many classes.
00:21:37
Speaker
Every human being is different with different strengths. Thank God. Me personally, as a rabbinical student, Kabbalah class, to put it mildly, was not my strength. This was for a couple reasons. First of all, I struggled to get my mind around why.
00:22:05
Speaker
we would be thinking about these concepts in such mystical detail. And because of that, I didn't care all that much. I'm sorry, Dr. Hacker. Dr. Hacker was the professor. I love Dr. Hacker and he
00:22:27
Speaker
he actually was such a wonderful mentor. He came up with classes, um, like, like independent study for me even, which I loved and adored. I just couldn't make myself care about Kabbalah. Okay. So I have a very rudimentary understanding of this concept, but I did read online that there is
00:22:51
Speaker
an idea that when someone walks in a circle around somebody, he or she is entering the Saphira of that other person. What's a Saphira? Okay. Saphirot are the particular and specific ways in which God manifests in our universe. Okay. So one of them is mercy, for example. So when,
00:23:20
Speaker
you feel some particular mercy in some aspect of your life. That is what the Kabbalists, from my understanding, viewed as a manifestation of God. Okay, and there are 10 of these Sefirot. Now, how a person has Sefirot, I don't really understand. Here's what I think the meaning is. And let me just pause here to say, if you are a Kabbalist, if you know a lot about Kabbalah,
00:23:50
Speaker
It doesn't matter if you're a rabbi or not. Okay. And you would like to come onto the podcast just to explain this very niche concept. Please. I would love nothing more. Please email me at your Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com. We won't make sure you come even if it's for 10 minutes. Okay. But I imagine it will be longer than that. Please explain how a person can enter another person's spirit. Okay. I think that what it means is that you are like,
00:24:20
Speaker
getting onto the same level as somebody, like you're matching that person's energy. Now, I will say that even though I don't understand the concept through a Kabbalistic scholarship lens,
00:24:41
Speaker
And I'm not really that concerned about it to be honest. Like I, it doesn't keep me up at night that I don't understand or appreciate Kabbalah. I know it's like a noble study guys, but I just, it was never for me. Maybe one day when I don't have to bring dinner to theater kids, maybe, I don't know. Anyway, the idea of doing something physically to match the energy
00:25:06
Speaker
right, to get onto somebody's level, to sort of enter into somebody else's spiritual or mental space, I think is actually also a really cool reason for why you might want to circle at your Jewish wedding. Okay. Have you guys seen those like memes, mental health awareness memes where like, if somebody is depressed, one of the best things you can do is just go and sit next to them.
00:25:37
Speaker
And even if you're just sitting in silence, there's a certain empathy that's communicated by physically being in a person's space, by physically matching that person's energy. I want to tell you, you guys know that I'm a Bridgerton fan. In my second favorite Bridgerton novel, which is The Viscount Who Loved Me,
00:26:05
Speaker
Number two, about Anthony and Kate.
00:26:10
Speaker
in the book, okay, so the book is very different from the show, not thematically, but in terms of the events that happened, okay, so Kate is the heroine of the book, and she has some trauma around thunderstorms, so she can't sleep during these English countryside thunderstorms that happen, I guess, quite a lot, and she can't sleep one night, so she makes her way to the library in her nightgown
00:26:39
Speaker
And for some reason, Anthony goes into the library at the same time. Well, there's a big clap of thunder and Kate goes and sits under the table because it's sort of like her instinct to try and protect herself. And Anthony finds her there and he sees that she is not okay. She's having a panic attack. She's not breathing well. And in order to help her out of that head space, he goes and sits under the table with her, even though she's in her nightgown and even though he's a gentleman.
00:27:10
Speaker
They didn't do that in the show, actually. There was a library scene, but it did not have the same significance. Actually, they flipped it in the show to involve Antony and his fear of bees and the way that she comforted him. In both scenes, though, I want to say, the way that she comforted him in the show, she matched his breathing
00:27:37
Speaker
and, and placed her hand on his chest and placed his hand on her chest so that he could feel her breathing and that everything was okay. Now, obviously, you know, aside from that kind of intimacy being super improper, and that is part of the plot of the book. Okay. We can see that when we match another person's physical body language,
00:28:06
Speaker
it can actually help us mentally to sync up with that person. Thank you Bridgerton for helping to teach us about Jewish weddings, by the way. So walking in a circle around your beloved in front of a bunch of people, under a chuppah, wearing, especially if you are a bride circling who's wearing a complicated dress with a large train,
00:28:35
Speaker
It requires focus. And as a part of that focus, this is the most wonderful part of circling. And one of the reasons that I personally have such a deep love for it as a ritual at a Jewish wedding is that when you are walking in these circles, almost every time I have seen couples just naturally lock eyes with one another.
00:29:05
Speaker
It is sort of an awkward motion. They're not used to doing it. And so they feel kind of silly and out of place. Where do you look when you are feeling just a little unmoored, a little unsure of yourself, a little worried that you're going to trip. You look to the person who is your anchor, the person around whom you are walking a circle.
00:29:30
Speaker
And that person loves you so much that every single time, I'm not kidding you, every single time that person gives a nod or a reassuring smile. And the person who's walking in the circle feels calmer.
00:29:47
Speaker
If you're somebody who's like a psychologist or deals with like this psychosomatic kind of interaction and you want to talk about this particular phenomenon, please come on my podcast. I'm not kidding. I want all kinds of people to come on because I think any way that we can better understand, you know what I say, there's always more learning to do. In any way we can better understand the effect of these rituals and the way that we express love and devotion and the miracle
00:30:17
Speaker
of a couple committing their lives to one another under the Khapa, the more connected we can all feel, and that can only be for the best, right?
00:30:29
Speaker
We're going to take a short break.
Adapting Circling for Modern Weddings
00:30:30
Speaker
And when we come back, we're going to talk about contemporary changes to the traditional ritual of a couple, of one person, a couple, usually the bride circling the other person in the couple, seven times under the chuppah. There are lots of changes to this, lots of adjustments that modern couples are making. And I'm going to share some of those with you after this short break.
00:31:19
Speaker
Okay, welcome back everyone. I'm so excited to talk about the ways that modern couples, today's couples, are looking at this ritual of circling and saying, yeah, we will do it. Sometimes we really want, sometimes they say we really want to do it. Usually they say, okay, I think we can make that work. And I'm kind of talking them into it a little bit, not in a bullying kind of way. I don't bully anybody.
00:31:44
Speaker
If you're one of my couples and you've ever felt bullied by me into doing a particular ritual, I'm sorry, that's really not my intention and I don't see any point in that. Okay, contemporary couples are making a lot of changes to this ritual for different reasons, right? Usually it's for feminist reasons. Remember we talked at the beginning of this episode about how a lot of people view this as a misogynist ritual. The couples that I'm officiating for are almost always concerned about misogyny. Thank God, misogyny sucks.
00:32:13
Speaker
But they still want to keep the ritual. Now, when we want to perform a ritual, or we're interested in performing a facet of Jewish life, but we don't like the traditional explanations for it, or we don't feel comfortable with them, or if those explanations are necessary in order to complete the ritual, we feel that maybe we can't do them, because we're so opposed. If that's the only meaning, I can't do that ritual.
00:32:42
Speaker
So when we take that tradition or that ritual or that fulfillment of a mitzvah and we say, you know what? I actually feel that there's a different meaning to this that resonates with me and makes me feel connected to Judaism. That is called reconstructing Judaism. Okay. I attended the reconstructionist rabbinical college.
00:33:10
Speaker
because I identify so strongly with this process for doing Jewish stuff. It's just reality, guys. I've said it a million times on this episode, but Jewish life, Jewish practice, the way we express ourselves, the way we engage in conversations has been continually shifting, changing, and evolving. For the last 3,000 years,
00:33:43
Speaker
Our natural state as Jews is to constantly be reconstructing things. That's reconstructionism, okay? Should I do an entire episode on reconstructionism? Maybe I should do, okay, the problem with reconstructionism is that it's not really a movement you can identify with in a practical day-to-day sense or a lot of people find it difficult to because there aren't a lot of reconstructionist synagogues.
00:34:11
Speaker
What you find is that there are reform synagogues and conservative synagogues that operate in the spirit of reconstructionism, which is honestly really the point, and that's why we actually belong, our family belongs to both a reform and a conservative synagogue, because we like them both. But maybe I'll do an episode on just gathering together all the reconstructions of Jewish wedding traditions that we've talked about.
00:34:37
Speaker
The most common adjustment to the ritual of circling I've seen is that couples change the number of circles they walk. Now I did speak in episode 22 about there being different traditions even among Orthodox and traditional Jews stretching back hundreds of years that in some communities it is traditional typical to do three circles instead of seven.
00:35:03
Speaker
you can change that number of circles to anything that you want. I have had couples say, you know, we like the look of it. We like the idea, but it seems like it's going to take a long time and we're already taking up a lot of time for the ceremony. We'd rather spend our minutes on something else. Can we just do one circle? Yes. One is a significant number in Judaism.
00:35:31
Speaker
Obviously the original idea, like the main idea of Judaism is that there's one God, right? And that one God is in control of everything created all of heaven and earth. The wedding ceremony as a whole focuses on the theme of creation. A circle can represent wholeness. So doing one circle, it's not just like, it's not just
00:36:00
Speaker
you know, um, skimping on the ritual is, it's actually pretty solid in terms of, of meaning. So fine. If w if the bride wants to do one circle around the groom or Hey, if we are talking about an interfaith couple and the groom is the Jewish person and he is marrying a woman and he wants to do the circle around her because he feels this connection to the ritual of circling, but she doesn't great. Whatever.
00:36:31
Speaker
You know, I want to say this. We are worried about not doing things in weddings, quote unquote, the right way. I think largely because we're afraid of what people will think. I want to remind everyone that the vast majority of American Jews don't even go to that many Jewish weddings.
00:36:57
Speaker
Of the Jewish weddings that they go to, how much attention do you think they pay to exactly how the rituals are being done? Do you think that cousin Esther paid that much attention in Hebrew school that she understands all the traditions about circling at Jewish weddings? No. Don't worry about what other people are thinking.
00:37:23
Speaker
They don't even know for sure what the traditional way to do things is. They will probably not even comprehend that you have changed anything. The most important person in deciding what to do about your wedding ceremony is who? That's right. It's you.
00:37:48
Speaker
It's you and the person you're marrying. And remember, I can't remember which episode I gave you all this magic tool, these four magic words. If you will recall, all of you, my podcast listeners have license to use these four magic words. If anybody objects to anything that you're doing in your Jewish wedding, and that is those words are Rabbi Leanne says, no.
00:38:12
Speaker
Oh honey, I think that you're supposed to do seven circles and that's how you have to do it in a Jewish wedding. Oh, Rabbi Leanne says no. So we have talked about the number of circles and the person who circles, but we have not talked about actually the most common change to this ritual that I have seen with my couples, which is that they split the seven circles between them
00:38:38
Speaker
So one person in the couple does three circles. The other person in the couple does three circles after that. Then they do the do-si-do. They do one circle to complete the seven together. The only problem with this, it's not a problem. Like I said, you can do whatever you want. And when I plan these wedding ceremonies with my couples and they're concerned about time, I tell them, listen, nobody's gonna leave until you're done.
00:39:08
Speaker
You've got a captive audience. It's also what I tell my Bob Mitzvah kids, right? You, you're going to read that prayer slowly. Okay. They're all waiting for you. They came to see you. It's your wedding. You want to add an extra full minute to the ceremony by doing seven circles, which realistically is probably about all that it takes is a minute or less. It seems like a long time because it's silent.
00:39:35
Speaker
And it's awkward, we talked about how it's awkward. So you can make it seem less cumbersome in terms of time by doing the split three, three, and then dosey-dome.
00:39:45
Speaker
Anita Diamant in her famous iconic Jewish wedding book, Jewish wedding. What's the newest, um, update? Jewish what your Jewish wedding now, the new Jewish wedding now, something like that. Anita Diamant D-I-A-M-A-N-T. I'll link it in the show notes or I'll try to remember too. She wrote the quintessential Jewish book and Jewish wedding book. And she says, listen, just if you're worried about that blank space,
00:40:12
Speaker
add a song, add a reading. By the way, readings, we will have a whole episode on adding readings to your wedding. Adding readings to weddings is a common thing in like Christian weddings and that kind of sort of bled into
00:40:28
Speaker
secular American wedding tradition I guess doing a meaningful reading I guess just to fill space well here we don't normally have people just read readings for the sake of readings in Jewish weddings that's not even readings of quote-unquote scripture is not a thing in Jewish weddings but guess what if you are worried about filling this time with something to maybe
00:40:52
Speaker
take the attention off the awkwardness or to just not have people sitting in silence and watching you do something in silence. You can put a reading here. It can be a reading about any theme that circling is related to. It can be a reading that's not related to circling, that it can fill that space and make everyone feel less awkward if that's what you're worried about. You can also put a song here. Now, if you have musicians,
00:41:19
Speaker
But your wedding musicians are already used to the idea, which we have as part of a traditional, like not traditional, secular American wedding, which is that there is a separate song for your attendance walking down the aisle and then another song for the bride walking down the aisle.
00:41:39
Speaker
So it shouldn't be too difficult for them to just change the song when the circling begins, right? When I work with sound guys or sound girls at your wedding and they, you know, they put the mic on the rabbi, hopefully they have a body mic for the officiant. I really hope they do. Please ask them. Oh, that's a whole other episode. Anyway, if
00:42:04
Speaker
your sound person is responsible. He or she will ask for the sound cues from the officiant or the planner or both. When I officiate a wedding, I will send an outline with all the sound cues to your wedding planner. Obviously I CC you and I will ask your wedding planner to please send that to the sound person or I will get the name of the sound person and send it myself. So everybody's prepared.
00:42:31
Speaker
At that point, if they have a question about, Oh, what's the circling? What? Then you can explain it to them at that point. Remember you are paying these people. Don't worry about burdening them. You want to do your circling and you think that the way that you can make it special or meaningful or, you know, not so awkward is to change the song there. Then ask for that.
Personal Choices in Wedding Rituals
00:42:51
Speaker
Okay. Now.
00:42:54
Speaker
I don't mean to assume that all of you feel super awkward about walking in circles around one another. Maybe you don't. I saw, oh my gosh, was it Wendy's wedding? I have a friend. She's a wedding officiant in Columbus, Ohio. Actually, she keeps winning best officiant in Columbus, Ohio. This is going to be like, well, we assume she's going to win this year.
00:43:13
Speaker
it'll be her fifth year of winning it. Okay. So she had this wedding where the people were like aerialists, like acrobats who do acrobatic tricks in the air. Is that an aerialist? I think that's what it's called. Anyway, they did these stunts, like suspended from the air at their wedding. I don't know if it was at the ceremony or just like for photo ops, but these are people for whom,
00:43:42
Speaker
moving around one another is just a super graceful, super beautiful occurrence that probably happens in their everyday lives or at least when they're, you know, practicing their acrobatics. Right. So by all means, if you are dancers, if you like, if you're doing like, okay, like a cosplay wedding from a time
00:44:08
Speaker
where dancing was like a normal thing. So like if you're doing a Renaissance themed wedding, you guys have seen plenty of those. If you're doing like a Lord of the Rings wedding, I've seen a lot of those. Even like a Regency wedding. Listen, I am a Bridgerton fan. I am not so big as a fan as to want to have a Regency themed wedding like ever. To me, that's not a thing. But I know a lot of you guys do. Walking in circles around each other was as normal as breathing.
00:44:38
Speaker
for ladies and gentlemen in that time period because they spent so much of their time doing these choreographed ballroom dances, if that's you.
00:44:48
Speaker
then by all means make your circling like the star of the wedding. Okay. Do you can add to it. You can add little dance moves, you can add handholds. And if you are circling by the way at your wedding and it is an interfaith wedding and you are a lucky duck and you are marrying somebody who is from Greek culture or from Indian culture,
00:45:15
Speaker
By all means, incorporate the elements of circling that are specific to that person's religion or culture in the Jewish circling ritual. So for example, if you are marrying a person from Greek background, put the crowns on your heads while you do the Jewish circling.
00:45:32
Speaker
It is so beautiful that we have this ritual in common. And if you wanna hear me just absolutely geek out about how incredible it is that we share this wedding ritual with other cultures, just go back to episode 22. I don't need to repeat myself. All right. I have, in my tradition, I have compiled, can you hear how legit my show notes are? Actual paper here, okay. Because if I have to click around on the screen, I get too confused and distracted, okay.
00:46:02
Speaker
The reasons people say no to circling. We've talked about how awkward it is. Why is it awkward? Your dress is complicated. If you are wearing a dress or other formal attire that for whatever reason makes it more difficult for you to walk or is so far flung from your regular clip that you're not walking,
00:46:30
Speaker
Well, you know, your goal is to get down the aisle, get to the chuppah, and then leave. And if you can do that walking, then you will be good as gold. And that is the sacrifice that you're making for the splendor of your formal wear at your wedding. I get it. That's fine. Then don't do it.
00:46:51
Speaker
There are so many other parts to a Jewish wedding. I am not fussed in the least if you decide that circling is not for you. I just wanna put it out there. Just because I think it's cool and I totally geek out about it and I absolutely love it when couples choose to do it, does not mean that I am judging you in the least. It doesn't even mean that I'm sad. You know, in the same way that, okay, I was a theater kid in high school. I never got any leads, by the way.
00:47:21
Speaker
I was in the ensemble every single time I had the best time of my life being involved in musical theater. I cannot say enough what an amazing experience it was for me in the ensemble all the way through my senior year. Still brings me such great joy to think of it. I have four children. Only two of them are involved in musical theater.
00:47:49
Speaker
One of them is backstage, which I never was, although I do love power tools. And so I think that she gets that from me. I'm very proud, very proud of my stagehand crew, tech kid, very, very proud. So regardless, two of my children as of now are really involved in musical theater. And one of them, the one who's on stage, she even gets leads. She's really just doing it. So anyway, I'm so thrilled that they're involved in musical theater, okay? Because I myself loved it.
00:48:19
Speaker
I have two other children who want nothing to do with it. I still show up at the track meets and the other stuff that my kids are doing that are not theater like
00:48:37
Speaker
I am so excited and happy to be there and guess what? I am because I love my kids regardless of what they choose to do. I am not calling you my children, wedding couples. However, what I'm saying is I love each and every one of you and I am here to support you. If you choose not to do the circling thing, by all means, no hard feelings, no stress, okay?
00:48:59
Speaker
If you are anxious about it, if you're just an anxious person and if you have social anxiety and you have an anxiety in particular about the ceremony portion of your wedding day, right? Wedding anxiety is a real thing.
00:49:13
Speaker
Now, I personally would probably be anxious about the food showing up on time, but some people are really, really anxious about the ceremony part. The point of the ceremony is that you are standing in front of a big crowd of people and declaring emotional things and significant things to the person you love most in the entire world. The entire point of the ceremony is exactly what might make people anxious about it. If you are that kind of person, you don't want to add any more anxiety.
00:49:43
Speaker
However, I'm gonna go back to what I said about depending on your partner. In that moment, if you have slight anxiety, I feel like that's different from like big anxiety. If you have slight anxiety, at least try it, at least consider it. That's what I think. If you are concerned about brevity, so I have had couples, you know, I ask about must haves and must nots, which will also get their own episode, but I have had couples who have said, Rabbi Leon,
00:50:12
Speaker
The thing that is most important to us in this whole wedding ceremony is that it be brief and they have their reasons. Okay. They want their guests to be comfortable. They, whatever it is. So that's fine. If you're really concerned about brevity and you want to shave a minute off your ceremony or even half a minute off your ceremony and you're like the circling thing, it's just, we don't care about it that much anyway. We're taking it out fine. You know, we, there are so many things that we must edit in our lives.
00:50:40
Speaker
Right. We need to edit our garden so that the flowers that we leave inside the garden will be healthier. We need to declutter. We need to edit our belongings. Right. We need to edit the tasks that we choose to do around the house to make more room for other things. Right. So you want to edit your wedding ceremony and, and move this part of Jewish traditional custom
Cultural Significance of Circling
00:51:01
Speaker
out of it. Fine. Are you worried about your shoes similar to your dress? If you're getting married on the grass,
00:51:11
Speaker
And you are wearing thin heels, especially in the areas where I officiate weddings, right? Ohio, Kentucky, Michigan, Indiana. Your heels will be coated in dirt, grass, and mud by the end of those seven circles. If you say to me, Rabbi Leon, the shoes are important, the shoes are more important than the circles, enough said. And despite all the different reasons that
00:51:41
Speaker
I've said here, right, that the act of circling does not have to imply subservience.
00:51:50
Speaker
or centering somebody, or being devoted to the person you're walking around to a point of harm to yourself, or even that you are, by circling that person, you are adhering to some aspect of that person's faith that you actually have no plans to adhere to, right?
00:52:16
Speaker
Even if I explained to you, oh, it doesn't have to mean that and there's been all these reinterpretations. If you feel in your kishkas, if you feel in your gut that you're like, yeah, but when I do that action or when I envision myself doing that action, it still feels that way to me and I don't want to do it enough said. Listen, your body, your choice, if you feel viscerally that something, some ritual, some aspect of a Jewish wedding is not for you,
00:52:41
Speaker
I will be the last person to argue with you and I will actually congratulate you on drawing that boundary, okay? Or even if, listen, I know, I know, I tell you, oh, Rabbi Leanne says, no, just use that on your in-laws or your bubby or your sister. You know, if you know that your mom is going to be like, I'm so glad that she circled you because that shows that you're the center of her world and you just don't wanna hear it,
00:53:11
Speaker
and you know that it's going to bring up those conversations and you're like, listen, I'm going to do whatever I can to avoid it. Then fine. We'll cut it. We'll cut it. I am here to help you edit. I am here to help you decide what feels best for you in your body at that moment in juxtaposition and in partnership with the person you are marrying. That's it. That's my job. Okay. Now,
00:53:38
Speaker
Just to reiterate, I know that this episode has been largely about why I love circling under the Chappas so much, but my show notes here are telling me that I'm gonna talk about, I'm just gonna run down the list of benefits to choosing to do this ritual in some way, shape or form at your wedding. It does bring big Jewish wedding energy.
00:53:59
Speaker
big Jewish energy. My big fat Jewish wedding will always include the circles. Okay. If that's something that's important to you, you've been looking forward to just having the most culturally dense ceremony you can. That's what circles will bring it.
00:54:16
Speaker
Okay. Once again, sharing that nervous glance, looking to your partner for support in this sort of weird, awkward, unusual moment. It always is sweet. And all of your guests, by the way, can see that. You know, they can see in front of their very eyes how you are looking to one another for support. And, you know, that's really what your ceremony is about, right?
00:54:43
Speaker
is to demonstrate to everyone, yeah, I know I told you I'm marrying this person. Let me show you what that looks like.
00:54:53
Speaker
So you can see with your own eyes why we are perfect for one another, right? Uh, if you choose to have your parents come along with you, walk in that circle. Remember in some very Orthodox communities, everyone's parents follow along for the circles, right? If you are looking for a way to involve your parents in your wedding ceremony,
00:55:19
Speaker
And they are, you know, thank God, still mobile and agile and walking well, which is not always the case, but if that is the case for you.
00:55:29
Speaker
And they want to have a very visible role in your wedding. They imagine themselves standing up at your wedding under the chuppah in some capacity. But when you think about your parents, you know, doing a reading, singing a song, saying a prayer, you just cringe. This is a non-speaking role that you can allow your parents to take part in. Very important part of the ceremony. And if you want, I will talk it up to the high heavens, to your parents. Oh my goodness.
00:55:59
Speaker
They chose you to do the circling with that. Oh, what an honor. It's not even a lie, right? What an honor to show that these are the people who are leading you to the chuppah. And also, you know, if you are, um, Oh, if, okay. So when you get to the end of the aisle in a traditional Christian wedding or in an American traditional sense, basically what we see in all the American movies that include includes weddings.
00:56:29
Speaker
when the bride reaches the end of the aisle and meets her groom. Remember we're talking about traditional traditional here. So that's almost always heterosexual, right? What does the officiant or priest or preacher say? Who gives this woman to be married to this man? And then her father or her uncle or her son or whoever it is that was walking her down the aisle literally says, yes, I do. I give her to this man. Now I don't know about you, but that to me, I,
00:56:59
Speaker
Maybe you have a special emotional connection to your father or some male figure or even your mom. I've had moms walk brides down the aisle and you know in a traditional Jewish wedding, both parents walk their children down the aisle.
00:57:17
Speaker
If you have an emotional connection to the physical act of your parents leading you to the spot where you're going to be married, but you don't like this vibe of like, Oh, my dad is literally giving me away to another man.
00:57:36
Speaker
Your parents joining you for these circles, or even just one circle, can be a way to accomplish that feeling or that sense that, you know, my parents have done their job, they have led me to this moment, and now they're gonna sit down. They can join you for one circle, and that would be a way to accomplish that, okay? Now, this is an argument I use all the time, but it will make your bubby happy. And obviously, it's, I don't know your bubby, right? It could be your Zadie, your grandpa,
00:58:06
Speaker
whoever your mom, whoever it is that's watching your wedding that maybe is worried that it won't be such a traditional wedding or it won't be such a Jewish wedding. And actually as we plan it, we may figure out, you know what? It's actually not going to be a very Jewy wedding at all. It just does. We don't like the prayers. We don't like the Hebrew, whatever it is. If you can add something
00:58:27
Speaker
that will signal Jewish, Jewish, Jewish wedding, you know, that your bubby, the archetypal bubby will see and say, ah, such a Jewish wedding. And it's simple and it costs you nothing emotionally, physically, time-wise. Then throw it in, you know, easy enough. And sometimes small things like that, you know, obviously smashing the glass, getting married under a chuppah. I think we talked about this with regard to the chuppah.
00:58:58
Speaker
You know, this is one of those things circling at the wedding that signals that for people. And, you know, it basically throws people a bone sometimes and says like, look, look, what a Jewish wedding we're having. Right. Another pro to doing this ritual is that it allows you to incorporate family heirlooms into your ceremony without explaining them or giving them any like religious significance. So if you have.
00:59:24
Speaker
Amantia from your abuela that you want to incorporate somehow into the ceremony to feel her presence and to include her, you know, you can hold it between you as you walk in circles. You can, you can just carry it with you. You know, there are ways to include heirlooms throughout the ceremony, and this is one of those opportunities.
00:59:51
Speaker
You could also, okay, so if you're having a Jewish Catholic wedding, part of the requirements for a Catholic wedding, and they are very specific and very strict, is that you do biblical readings as part of the ceremony that directly reference marriage. One of those readings, I think might be the Jeremiah reading,
01:00:13
Speaker
that we talked about in the last episode. Don't quote me on that. But if you are wanting to do the traditional Catholic thing, right, if you're wanting to be like,
01:00:25
Speaker
super legit according to the Catholic order of things. Um, but you don't like all this time it's taking up and whatever you can combine a reading, like I said, with this ritual. And I think it's actually kind of cool if it is, you know, for a religious reason that it would be accompanied by this very traditional looking ritual. We're going to take a short break and we will come back with my advice for the modern couple thinking about whether or not to include circling in their wedding.
Practical Advice for Wedding Preparation
01:01:28
Speaker
Okay, welcome back. All right, so you are thinking, you know what, Rabbi Leanne, you've convinced us. We think we're gonna do this circling thing. We are still a little anxious about it. We're still a little unsure. What's your advice for making this whole thing go as smoothly as possible? I'm glad you asked. My number one piece of advice is honestly just to practice.
01:01:55
Speaker
Because obviously the more you do something, the less awkward it will feel. We've all had that experience, right? Whether it's like chopping onions or riding a bike or whatever it is, it feels really strange at first and we're really unsure and really clumsy. But if we complete the action a few times, we begin to get the rhythm of it and feel more comfortable. Now, I am Jupiter-stitious.
01:02:20
Speaker
I think it's probably, I'm going to say it's bad luck for you to practice together. Okay. I don't know exactly why guys. Don't ask me. I just have this like sense. I've got like this sense. It's not okay. Don't practice together. You'll jinx it. Kenahara.
01:02:41
Speaker
Just pick a stand-in, okay? Use your sister or your wedding planner or whoever it is. Do it, you know, when you have a spare minute in the hotel room or at the rehearsal dinner. But don't practice with one another, please.
01:02:54
Speaker
Um, anyway, practicing the motion will let you get your footing and also help you realize that this is not as long of a time as you think it's going to take up. So if you're really worried about time, you're like, all right, let me just see. Listen, use your dog. Is your dog well trained enough to like sit on the ground while you walk around him?
01:03:12
Speaker
My dogs are very well trained, but one of my dogs, the one that is like my dog, one that's like very close to me, he gets really freaked out when I dance. Like even if I'm just doing like little buggy, like whatever with the kids, like just doing anything strange with my body, he gets like a little agitated. I think it's because it's his instinct to be like a service dog. There are service dogs, his siblings, like his litter mates.
01:03:39
Speaker
Um, we're trained to be seizure dogs. And I think that they did a little bit of that training with him. And so anything that looks like remotely, like a seizure, like, you know, anyway, I think that if I said Gaston sit, and then I walked seven circles around him, I think he would be okay. So anyway, use your dog, whatever. Um, I do want you to consider adding an explainer.
01:04:05
Speaker
of circling just to avoid people making assumptions about what it means. If it's important to you, if the meaning is important to you, add that explainer because I want your guests to have the full experience of your wedding and for them to share in the meaning and the joy with you, not to make assumptions about what you're doing at your wedding and why, but you know, whatever, if that's not a concern to you, I guess, don't worry about it.
01:04:35
Speaker
If you are on the fence and you're like, Rabbi Leanne, I think that your argument about making Bubbie happy, I think that that's a good argument, but I don't actually know what will make Bubbie, what will make Bubbie happy. And listen, I think we're all guilty of this, right? We all feel like we should know some people in our family better than we do. I, my grandmother, Zihran Ali Rahat, she died a couple of years ago.
01:05:05
Speaker
and I felt like I knew a lot about her.
01:05:09
Speaker
But sometimes something pops up that like reminds me that I actually, there were really important things that I didn't know about her. So for example, she was a lifelong blood donor and she was very, very proud of this. And I don't know if they still do it, but back in the day, they would send you like a pin, like a pin that goes on your jacket, a little enamel pin that when you got to five gallons donated, five gallons of blood donated is approximately
01:05:38
Speaker
40 donations because you get a pint every time and then it's eight pints to a gallon. So five gallons is 40 times donating blood. You can only donate it every eight weeks, which is six or seven times a year. So anyway, the five gallon pin amounts to like five years. Is that right? So maybe like
01:06:02
Speaker
Yeah. A gallon every, every year and some months. Okay. So eventually she got her 20 gallon pin in the mail. She put it on like a ribbon hanging in her kitchen. She told anybody from anybody like that she had gotten her 20 gallon bin. She was so proud.
01:06:20
Speaker
Anyway, due to whatever restrictions they had, I couldn't donate blood for a long time. I had lived in Europe as a child and that was an issue and then they lifted that restriction and then right after they lifted that restriction, COVID happened and nobody was doing much blood donation or I wasn't, that was the excuse I used. Anyway, I just started doing it again and I realized as I was sitting there that I don't know why my grandmother was so dedicated.
01:06:48
Speaker
to this, it was like a ritual for her, you know, to go every eight weeks and donate blood for 20 some odd years of her life, at least, right, because she got her 20 gallon pen. I don't even know why she did that.
01:07:03
Speaker
All this is to say that you think you know your grandparents or your great grandparents or your aunts and uncles very well, but maybe you don't know them well enough to know that they are really looking forward to a certain part of your Jewish wedding. Maybe they're dreaming of your wedding. Having children, if any of you listening have children, you understand as they grow, you have visions for what they might become.
01:07:31
Speaker
what they might accomplish, even if it's as simple as they're going to have their own place. And one day we will celebrate a holiday at my child's house. It doesn't have to be specific, right? But we have these things that are dreams of ours for our children that to us represent a good life, you know, or a good wedding.
01:07:56
Speaker
What does it mean to have a meaningful wedding ceremony to the people that are important in your life? So if you don't know what's going to make your Bubbie happy, think about sitting down with her and saying, Bubbie, are you excited for my wedding? Yes, I'm so excited. What is it that when you think of what you're most excited for, most excited to see at the wedding, what is it?
01:08:20
Speaker
Like, what are you just? And it doesn't have to be like an interrogation or like cumbersome. It's just a chat, you know? Or maybe, Bobby, what was your favorite memory from your own wedding? And watch her face. See what brings joy, you know? She'll probably say, oh, smashing the glass. Oh, the mazel tov at the end. Whatever it is. Or, oh, the beautiful chippah.
01:08:46
Speaker
If hearing her reaction to those memories or those symbols moves you, you know, that could make it all the more meaningful for you. And if you think that that's even a possibility for any member of your family, take the opportunity now, ask them, what are you looking forward to? What are you excited about? What's your favorite memory of your own wedding?
01:09:09
Speaker
Because the meaning of these rituals transfers and it picks up steam through the generations and it accumulates meaning and becomes all the more special to us the more times we use it, right? We say in the wedding vows, sometimes one of the translations of Jewish wedding vows, which will, again, there will be at least one episode about that, uses the phrase, as my ancestors did before me.
01:09:39
Speaker
And if you go back and listen to the episode with Abby from political psych with Abby, she mentions that it's important to her to do things in the way that her ancestors did them. Right. Especially for Jews. There aren't that many of us.
01:10:00
Speaker
Continuity is so important. Drawing that line from past to present, becoming part of the chain, displaying how we are part of that chain is really deep in the sense of obligation for great many Jews.
01:10:18
Speaker
And so if you think that there might possibly be some element of the Jewish ceremony that is sort of like hiding in that chain that you want to bring to the fore, this is a great opportunity to sort of do that. I mean, look at the photos of your ancestors' weddings. Talk to them. If, you know, please God, they're still alive, you know, take that opportunity. There are many things in life that we will realize we regret, right? That is something that I regret, is not knowing that about my grandmother.
01:10:47
Speaker
Okay, last piece of advice. Just watch some videos of other weddings. If you can find, they're actually really difficult to find videos of Jewish weddings on YouTube. I should make a playlist, actually. I should put that on my list of things to do. Here, let me write that down. Playlist.
01:11:07
Speaker
I'm gonna do that for you guys because it's not that easy actually to locate like footage of Jewish weddings on YouTube which is kind of where I go to learn pretty much anything. There's a lot of stuff about prayers like I just sent a YouTube video of somebody chanting the seven wedding blessings because a couple I have coming up
01:11:26
Speaker
Their dads are going to read the seven wedding blessings very sweet and I sent them this video as reference There's there's kind of there's a fair few videos on how to recite all kinds of prayers, but like The actual footage of the Jewish wedding is kind of few and far between but so I'm gonna make you you guys a playlist and I'll I don't know I'll push it out there somehow
01:11:43
Speaker
Just watch some videos and, you know, see if you can see for yourself that moment that I'm talking about when a couple looks to one another for support or when maybe their parents get emotional that this is the last sort of walk that they're guiding their children on or whatever it is. And see if you connect to it in that way, right? Or see if there's a different interpretation that you didn't think would resonate with you but maybe now that you actually see it, it sort of triggered something in you.
01:12:11
Speaker
Kind of like we talked about with the katuba ceremony, I see that a lot signing the katuba. People can get unexpectedly emotional just signing this document, especially parents. I see a lot of parents and grandparents watching their children sign and getting emotional, but also plenty of brides and grooms.
01:12:30
Speaker
feeling an unexpected rush of emotions when signing this katuba. Guys, that applies to any part of the Jewish wedding. And if you see people circling and you just feel just a tug at your heartstrings and that might be enough to let you know, you know what? Actually, yes, this is important to me. Okay. That's all I have for you on contemporary adaptations of
01:12:52
Speaker
the circling ritual in Judaism, obviously there's stuff that I missed. If there's anything that you wanna add, if you wanna come back on the podcast just to talk about this or your reconstructions of whatever rituals or traditions, I would love to have you on the podcast.
Listener Engagement and Podcasting Insights
01:13:10
Speaker
please email me your Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com. I just put a call out to I'm a member of a Facebook group that is it exists solely for the purpose of finding guests for your podcast or offering yourself as a guest on a podcast.
01:13:27
Speaker
Most people there are offering themselves as guests on the podcast because if you have a business or if you have some kind of personal endeavor that you want people to know about, it's a great way to get the word out about it. But I am looking for guests on this podcast mostly because my throat's a little raspy after talking for the last hour and 12 minutes, but also I'm sure you guys are sick of hearing my voice. Not only that, I do truly love the concept of just hearing the story of people's Jewish weddings on this podcast.
01:13:57
Speaker
So anyway, I put a call out to this podcasting guest group on Facebook and within 12 hours I caught literally 17 responses. The number of people having Jewish or Jewish interfaith weddings, or in some cases like starting to plan a Jewish or Jewish interfaith wedding, is
01:14:16
Speaker
You know, I said this to somebody in that particular comment thread because she said, oh, also my husband's a Buckeye, which means you graduated from the Ohio State University. I was like, oh man, Buckeyes are like Jews. You know, there's not all that many of us comparative to the world population, but we're everywhere. So anyway, I got like 17 responses. I'm hoping to have so many guests on this podcast. Yes, Jewish wedding professionals. And in the coming weeks, you will hear
01:14:44
Speaker
guest spots from Becca from Forever E Kachuba and Reverend Mercy who does not do Jewish weddings at all, but I think she's done some with Jewish elements actually. You'll hear from her also about her advice for working with your officiant, but I really would love to see more and more and more just normal Jewish people talking about their Jewish wedding or people who married Jews, obviously.
01:15:10
Speaker
If you are one of those people, it doesn't have to be in the past. It can be in the future. You can be at the very beginning of planning stages or, you know, just looking forward to your wedding. I actually know somebody, listen, she works at Bath and Body Works. Hallie, if you're listening to this, hello. She is Jewish. Well, she says she's Jewish. Her dad's Jewish. Her mom's not, but she, you know, she identifies as Jewish in at least some form. She's marrying somebody who's not Jewish at all.
01:15:36
Speaker
I gave her my card back in the fall and I was like, listen, call me if you're thinking about having a rabbi. She didn't call me. She's not going to have me officiate her wedding. That's fine. I assume she's still going to have some Jewish stuff as part of her wedding.
01:15:53
Speaker
So if that's you, don't feel sad or embarrassed or worried that you didn't choose a rabbi to do your wedding. So I'm going to like judge you. I'm not, there's no judgment here. I just want to hear about your wedding and so does everybody else. Okay. So once again, if you are interested in being a guest on your Jewish wedding podcast with Rabbi Leanne, I would love to speak with you. Email me at your Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com or find me on Instagram and you can direct message me. Instagram handle is your Jewish wedding podcast.
01:16:23
Speaker
Let's chat. Let's find a time to chat. I do the interviews on Zoom in case you're worried about it. If you are local, I can come meet you. I have like a little recording set up that I can, you know, bring to you. We can sit on a table. The sound is actually really good. I recorded the interview with Erin about her Jewish wedding. That way we sat at my dining room table.
01:16:42
Speaker
And there is no video. Why is there no video on my podcast? I'm glad you asked. I know that video is the future. SD Gordon Levin, the bride tender podcast, I know that you're listening to this and saying, Rabbi Lian, my videos are amazing. That's true. Your videos are beautiful and amazing and you go on location and you have the lighting and the cameras. I currently am speaking to you on air of Shabbos.
01:17:10
Speaker
I actually have an event to go to tonight for Shabbos. I'm visiting a university and helping them with their campus Shabbos celebration this evening, which means that I have not done my makeup yet because I want it to be perfect for Shabbos. And I have my hair and a bonnet because I don't want my hair to get messed up between now and then.
01:17:32
Speaker
I'm not embarrassed of the way I look, but I don't necessarily think anybody is going to delight from watching me speak for an hour and 15 minutes about circling in my bonnet with no makeup with, like, a bleach-stained sweatshirt on, okay?
Crafting Meaningful Weddings
01:17:47
Speaker
So anyway, if you're concerned about video, I don't do video on this podcast. I'm pretty convicted that I'm not going to be doing video. So don't worry about that. And as always, if you request that we go back and take something out or you want to hear the episode before it's published, that's fine. I will work with you to make sure that you are 100% comfortable.
01:18:11
Speaker
Okay. All right. Thank you as always for being here with me. I know that these are long-winded, but you know, this is what happens when I get together with friends. When I make a coffee date with somebody, I block off like an hour on my calendar and I go to the coffee date. And before you know it, it's been two and a half hours because I don't know, maybe it's a Jewish thing. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like there's never enough time to chat.
01:18:40
Speaker
And I really, I truly do feel like we are sitting down and just having a friendly chat, sharing things we've learned, sharing our tips and tricks that we've learned through living a life. And even though I can't hear you, I like to think that you feel that way too.
01:18:57
Speaker
Anyway, until next time, keep asking questions, keep having those conversations, keep investigating, keep discussing what's meaningful and important to you. Your wedding should be exactly the wedding that speaks to you and...
01:19:15
Speaker
you know, represents your relationship and reminds your guests exactly why they are rooting for the two of you to succeed and why there is no place else they would rather be. So I really think that delving into all these topics can help you get there. And that's why I'm here because remember, there is always more learning to do until next time.
01:19:39
Speaker
Well, everyone, I have had the best time being your rabbi for this episode. I'm so glad you joined me for another little bit of insight into planning your perfect Jewish or interfaith wedding. Until you can smash that glass on your big day, you might as well smash that subscribe button for this podcast. I don't want you to miss a single thing.
01:20:01
Speaker
Remember, you can always find me, Rabbi Lian, on Instagram. At, at, your Ohio rabbi. All one word for even more tips, tricks, recommendations, and wisdom on Jewish weddings.
01:20:17
Speaker
If you want to work with me on your wedding, you'll find all the info you need at YourOhioRabbi.com. Until next time, remember, you deserve the perfect wedding for you. Don't settle for anything less.