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031 - Your Jewish Household
41 Plays1 month ago
031 - "Do You Plan to Have a Jewish Household?" (Finding a Rabbi Series)
It’s one of the most common questions a rabbi may ask a couple before deciding that he or she is the right fit for the couple’s wedding.
If a rabbi asked you this question, do you know how you would answer?
Does it conjure feelings of fear, confusion, and dread?
Don’t worry. I’m here to help.
Don't forget - you can reach me (Rabbi LeighAnn) any time at www.yourohiorabbi.com or everyonesfavoriterabbi.com or rabbileighann.com !
Fill out the contact form there if you'd like to work with me on your wedding. There are SO many options, from Ketubah consulting to ceremony planning. If there's something you have in mind, don't hesitate to ask - I'm here to help!
IG: @yourohiorabbi
Podcast IG: @yourjewishweddingpodcast
Send questions for me to answer on this podcast to:
yourjewishweddingpodcast@gmail.com
Hope to see you next time! Remember - there is ALWAYS more learning to do!
<3 Rabbi LeighAnn
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/zachor-why-jewish-memory-matters/
https://forward.com/community/355485/are-rabbis-who-refuse-to-marry-interfaith-couples-hurting-jewish-continuity/#:~:text=**%20When%20Len%20Saxe%20revealed%20the%20new,94%%20of%20in%2Dmarried%20couples%20who%20have%20Jewish
https://www.aprilonline.org/jewish-life/
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Transcript
Introduction and Personal Reflections
00:00:00
Speaker
To help you answer the question, do you plan to have a Jewish household? What is that? What does it mean to have a Jewish household? Okay, great question. I actually ah personally, as a person who is an ordained rabbi and who has been in a Jewish marriage for 20 years and is raising four children in a Jewish household, I literally sat here and Googled, what does it mean to have a Jewish household? I don't know.
00:00:29
Speaker
i I mean, yeah, I've got a Jewish household, but I think that there is an issue with people feeling like their Jewish household is not enough, even rabbis. Are you planning a Jewish or interfaith wedding?
00:00:42
Speaker
Are you lost on where to even begin planning the ceremony, let alone finding a rabbi to help you? Well, it doesn't matter whether one of you is Jewish or you're both Jewish.
00:00:54
Speaker
You deserve a guide. So take a deep breath. I promise it will all be okay.
Purpose and Return to Podcasting
00:01:02
Speaker
Welcome to Your Jewish Wedding with Rabbi Leanne.
00:01:06
Speaker
Here, i can be everyone's rabbi. Yours too. My guests and I will share everything we know to help make your Jewish or interfaith wedding full of tradition and perfectly yours.
00:01:34
Speaker
Well, hello everyone. It is so good to be here with you today. I'll tell you it's been a long time since I sat here and chatted with you and I have really missed it I know that the last episode I posted, ah told you we're getting back into the swing of things. It's all going to be fine. Listen, I don't know what happened.
00:01:57
Speaker
I mean, I could tell you the whole list of things that happened, but the truth is that I am making an effort to improve my focus and my dedication to a few small things instead of trying to do all the things.
Podcast Recording Challenges and Solutions
00:02:10
Speaker
And I hope that this podcast will re remain one of those things. I do have a bunch of ideas and One of the big reasons that I'm sitting here today, actually, this is a little bit embarrassing.
00:02:23
Speaker
Maybe some of you can relate. Okay, so my husband, I love him very much. a Great guy. He works from home. And the thing about him is that he has been on a personal health journey.
00:02:39
Speaker
And without going too far into it, A feature of the personal health journey is that he eats like, I'm not exaggerating, every 45 minutes or something.
00:02:51
Speaker
My quote unquote office used to be the breakfast nook in this house. And when we purchased this house, I saw this little breakfast nook and I was like, that's my office.
00:03:06
Speaker
We live in an area where housing is really expensive. We've got four kids. We use every single square foot of this house. And so I was very excited to have this breakfast nook office. Okay.
00:03:18
Speaker
But I'm sure you can see where we're going with this.
00:03:22
Speaker
The breakfast nook is right off the kitchen. And when you have a husband who eats every 45 minutes and thankfully, you know, he eats healthy food, he's prepping his own meals, lots to be grateful for. Okay. He comes into this kitchen every 45 minutes.
00:03:42
Speaker
And when I am having a phone call, when I'm recording an episode, he is so careful to be as quiet as possible. And the noise is not actually most of the reason that I don't like to record when he's home.
00:03:59
Speaker
The reason is that I'm just self-conscious about it.
00:04:04
Speaker
It just feels kind of silly to be speaking into a microphone and people in the future.
00:04:12
Speaker
I guess it's something that like I could address in therapy. I'm just not that bothered by it. The other option I'm exploring is to actually go record episodes at the local library because they have a room that anybody can reserve that includes a great microphone, recording software, et cetera.
00:04:37
Speaker
And every time I've gone and like almost booked the room I've thought, I'm going to to the library. You know, I can book that room anytime. And so I'll just do it the day of. And that's why. And that's because, excuse me, that's because almost nobody is ever in that room.
00:04:55
Speaker
So I feel like I should take advantage of it, right?
00:05:00
Speaker
Tangent here. I just started doing workout classes at my JCC because my fitness husband person has a membership. He's gotten a family membership at the JCC.
Family and Fitness Reflections
00:05:15
Speaker
So we're paying for this membership, all these classes and whatever. And he's the only one who ever goes to the JCC. He doesn't even go to the classes. And I'm a woman of a certain age.
00:05:28
Speaker
Apparently, when you reach this certain age, you really have to start looking after your bones, doing certain kinds of exercises that tell your bones that you are not close to death and that they must stay strong for years and God willing decades to come.
00:05:43
Speaker
So...
00:05:45
Speaker
What was the point of this tangent?
00:05:49
Speaker
Oh, yes. So we're paying for the JCC and i I should go to those classes in the same way that I live in this beautiful town with this beautiful library, with this beautiful room, with a microphone.
00:06:00
Speaker
And I pay the taxes in this town that help to support that library and I never go and use it.
00:06:07
Speaker
And think how many more episodes I could record if I just went and reserved that room even once every two weeks. So that is on my list and I hope to have many more of these banks. But hey, this is what I tell myself.
00:06:23
Speaker
The episodes I've already posted. are valuable. They are useful. And you future person who's listening to this episode that I've recorded in the past is hopefully finding that episode at exactly the right time that you needed it to come into your life.
00:06:46
Speaker
Yes, that's right. I think so. so so let's not get too stressed over the frequency of recording, right? Like let's live a peaceful, slower life doing the best we can.
00:07:01
Speaker
So moving ahead, i wanted to jump on and record this episode for a couple of reasons. Number one, my husband is currently on jury duty.
00:07:16
Speaker
Which means I am all alone in the house today. Did I get a late start? Yes, I had to go to Lowe's because the spring garden is coming in. Long stories, whatever, whatever.
00:07:28
Speaker
Also, I had to buy... some super intense laundry detergent because of a laundry mishap that was 1000% my fault. Maybe I'll tell you about that another time.
00:07:39
Speaker
I'm sure it will become relevant to something. Okay.
Exploring Jewish Household Concepts
00:07:41
Speaker
But, uh, let me just say that if you unfortunately have a very, very strong odor in a piece of clothing that you can't manage to get out, I may have advice for you on how to do that depending on how successful my shopping for that was.
00:07:55
Speaker
Anyway, had a bunch of things to do. i still hadn't taken a shower.
00:08:02
Speaker
I'm all alone in the house. I'm taking a shower. Oh, I'm leaving the door open because my husband's working somewhere else and it won't disturb him if I leave the door open and steam pours out into the upstairs, which is also his office.
00:08:18
Speaker
Great. So then what am I doing? Because he's not here, what every person I think probably does when they're all alone in their home, I sang a bunch of show tunes.
00:08:30
Speaker
Okay. Obviously I did that.
00:08:35
Speaker
No, I'm not a good singer. And that's why I only sing when I'm alone in my house. Okay. So I did that. And then I got down here and I, down here to my office.
00:08:46
Speaker
And I said, let me type up some notes because it just goes better for all of us when I have an outline slash notes. Okay. But I did have an inspiration for this episode, which is what really propelled me to sit down here today.
00:08:59
Speaker
And that was...
00:09:02
Speaker
I had a wonderful conversation with some colleagues on Shabbos. I was invited to Shabbos dinner at the house of some of my colleagues.
00:09:13
Speaker
Also happens that our kids are friends with one of our kids is friends with one of their kids and another one of our kids is friends with some other people they were inviting anyway. I was talking about my whole passion of helping interfaith couples have the Jewish slash interfaith weddings of their dreams and exactly what we're talking about on this podcast.
00:09:35
Speaker
And we got to talking about their experiences with interfaith weddings. And one of my colleagues said that, She officiates interfaith weddings under the right circumstances. Now, she does have some contract considerations and um I believe some clergy membership considerations that prevent her from doing interfaith weddings. But were she without these strictures and maybe before she was without these strictures, she said in in one of these contexts, and I can't remember exactly which one it was, but she said, of course, I asked the couple.
00:10:13
Speaker
whether they intend to have a Jewish household. And that is one of the questions that she asks herself and the couple that she's working with to determine whether she is the right person to be officiating their wedding.
00:10:29
Speaker
Now, those of you who know me can probably guess that I do not ask this question, like, pretty much ever. I don't ask it um as a condition of committing to working with a couple.
00:10:41
Speaker
I usually just ask it later on in conversation, and mostly because I'm, like, nosy and I want to know what other people do in their houses, to be perfectly honest. And um Christina, one of the brides I'm working with um currently, She will tell you, i literally just told her today, like, listen, I'm just nosy because she had told me in one of the documents she was working on for me, oh, I'm pasting text messages from our early relationship here. And now I go to read these text messages and they're not showing up.
00:11:13
Speaker
So, you know, I ask her, please, I would like to see these text messages. And I go on to, you know, write their love story slash speech slash sermon for their ceremony, just like they've asked me to without the text messages.
00:11:27
Speaker
It's fine. I normally don't have text messages, but she asked me today, like, oh, gosh, do you still want to see those? Yes, I want to see them because I'm nosy. Anyway, that's the only context in which I typically will ask, you know, are you planning to have a Jewish household? Because I just want to know. I just like to know what other people do for holidays and what other people's houses look like. It's true.
00:11:49
Speaker
I can't change it about myself and I really don't want to. But I never ask it as a determining question because I believe that I am the right rabbi for pretty much any couple who wants to have any feature of Judaism in their wedding.
00:12:09
Speaker
Like I'm so adaptable and and my point or my goal isn't to do a certain kind of wedding. It's to help Jewish people with the weddings that they want. And we'll go into that more later.
00:12:22
Speaker
Regardless, it occurred to me, i thought, oh my gosh, a lot of the people listening to the Your Jewish Wedding podcast will probably be searching for a rabbi to officiate their wedding ceremony.
00:12:35
Speaker
And a lot of rabbis ask this question.
00:12:40
Speaker
And it's one of those questions that I think if if it's not constantly like something that you're thinking about on a regular basis, it can be one of those like, ah I don't know. And then you're sort of asking yourself, OK, well, this rabbi asked me, so what does he want me to say? And what do you think his Jewish household is like? And what's...
00:13:02
Speaker
his standard and will he reject me if I say the wrong thing? And it can be something that makes, I think everybody feel uncomfortable. Okay. So if you are a Jewish person and you are thinking about having a Jewish ceremony, and especially if you are thinking about calling a rabbi to officiate the ceremony,
00:13:22
Speaker
Just be aware she or he may ask you this question. It's a super typical question of rabbis to ask couples before they agree to work together. Are you planning on having a Jewish household and what will that be like?
00:13:34
Speaker
Okay. So first of all, this may sound to you like, are you going to reject your non-Jewish partner's influence on your household?
00:13:50
Speaker
I would love to find a way forward with rabbis who do ask this question to maybe rephrase that question or give it some elaboration that emphasizes that we understand that the person that you are marrying, you, the Jewish person are marrying is not Jewish and that's okay.
00:14:13
Speaker
And that that means that the things that person brings to the household will not be essentially Jewish, which stuff that most of the stuff that Jewish people bring to a household are not Jewish stuff, right? Like your couch isn't Jewish, probably.
00:14:27
Speaker
do you have a Jewish couch? If you have a Jewish couch, I want to see a picture of it. I really want to know why it's Jewish. Please and thank you. Actually, I guess my couch is kind of Jewish because there's this whole thing with Passover. Like you're supposed to have the Passover Seder quote unquote reclining. Right.
00:14:45
Speaker
during the story to show that you're free and you like live a life of leisure and you're not um enslaved anymore. And so we've always had Passover Seder, like in our living room, sitting on our couch. So I guess our couch is kind of Jewish. don't know.
00:14:58
Speaker
Gosh, this poor person who would ask me personally, do you have a Jewish household? They'd they'd be sitting there for three hours. I'd tell them. Okay. So anyway,
00:15:10
Speaker
It may sound like a scary question, but I'm here to help you think about ways that you can answer it that will... reflect who you actually are. Okay. So you're not lying about your Jewish household and we'll, we'll maybe even help you and your non-Jewish partner think about your goals for your household together and what it's going to look like when it's Hanukkah time or whatever.
00:15:40
Speaker
Okay. So we will take a short break and then come back to start the conversation.
00:16:11
Speaker
Great. So some of you may be asking, like, who does this rabbi i think she is? Why is she asking me about my household? Like, why is she asking about what kind of household we intend to have?
00:16:23
Speaker
Like, first of all, that's none of her business. And second of all, she can't control that anyway. Okay, I hear you.
00:16:31
Speaker
But you want her to work with you, right? So it's like she can ask you whatever she wants. If you're offended by the question, then, you know, I guess say thank you for your time and and hang
Interfaith Weddings and Jewish Identity
00:16:41
Speaker
up on her. But um most of the time, it's like, you know, you've contacted her for a reason and you want to work together. So she is asking you that because
00:16:54
Speaker
the idea of a Jewish wedding representing the household is sort of at the core of a traditional Jewish wedding.
00:17:05
Speaker
Okay, so we have had an episode about the chuppah. Which episode was that? Let's go. Here, come with me. I'm going to go to... This is so bad. I'm going to go to my podcast website. Now, look, I'm not even logged in. That's how long it's been since I posted an episode. So here we are.
00:17:21
Speaker
I still know how to get around it, though. Okay. The last episode was episode 29. The episode is
00:17:32
Speaker
19 and 20. We have two episodes on the chuppah. Isn't that nice? You're welcome. The first one is a brief and imperfect history of the chuppah. So that will include a lot of what it means. But then also episode 20 is about how to make the chuppah your own...
00:17:47
Speaker
And that will go further into what some of the symbolism of the chuppah might be for you. And by the way, i was i spent a little bit of time on YouTube today looking at um other interfaith wedding rabbi discussions, and a lot of people are saying chuppah, which I know I said that that's like an alternative translation. ah Or not alternative translation, I'm sorry. That's actually how chuppah is pronounced, like, in Hebrew, Hebrew in Israel.
00:18:15
Speaker
Chuppah. But most, you know, American Jews say chuppah. So that's how I say it because, you know, I want you guys to know what I'm talking about and not feel like... um You remember how, like, Alex Trebek, may his memory be for a blessing, used to pronounce, like, other countries on Jeopardy! and he would ask questions like...
00:18:36
Speaker
you know, who was the president of Guatemala? And you're like, Alex, you're not from Guatemala. You can just say Guatemala. Okay. So that's why I want to use the word chupa, because that's how most people talk about it.
00:18:48
Speaker
um And if if you say chupa, then I, you know, I guess probably I would slip into saying it that way too. It's fine. But the idea of your Jewish wedding representing a household is what the chuppah traditionally represents, okay? It's the house you're building together. And that's because Judaism recognizes that what people...
00:19:13
Speaker
are about, like you can see who people really are, like truly are, like what makes the people who they are, what makes the couple the couple that they are, is is really represented in the home they share together, right? Like when you take off your eye makeup and you get under the covers at night or when you sit down to dinner with your family, like that's where you feel most comfortable.
00:19:38
Speaker
You know, that's what shows who you are what your priorities are. Like, for example, I have my very own chair that I sit in at night. I think I've talked about that chair here before, actually.
00:19:52
Speaker
And what's next to the chair? There's a charger for my phone. There's utensils because I sit there and I eat dinner most times.
00:20:04
Speaker
There's my Kindle because I like to sit and read a book while I'm eating dinner and I'm actually trying to do that more instead of watching TV. And yeah, there's the remote control. There's also like a heating pad because I've been so cold this winter and I like to have a heating pad on my back and I feel toasty.
00:20:20
Speaker
And there's also... um an old black hoodie because I, as 42-year-old woman, drop food on my clothes all the time and it's i I use it as a bib. Okay, so my home shows you kind of who I am when I unwind. I'm a person who loves to be cozy. I love to have my books.
00:20:41
Speaker
And, you know, I like to have a cozy dinner sitting in my chair. And that tells you what my values are in a sense. Right. So but in a broader context, you know, if you were to walk into my house or anyone's house, you could make a lot of conclusions about who they are based on what you see when you come in.
00:21:06
Speaker
Right. Is it a welcoming space? Do they have a big TV in their living room or are they not TV people now? And that's no judgment against TV is my family and I love TV. We love family movie night, which actually often is kind of TV shows because a lot of the Marvel shows will be like on a weekly basis. So.
00:21:25
Speaker
um No judgment against TVs. um Are there lots of blankets? Is the room colorful or is it a simple color palette? um And and either one is because that's what brings the person who lives their joy.
00:21:41
Speaker
Right. um Do they have a big a big dining table? Do they have a lot of spaces to entertain? If not, maybe they just like to be quiet and on their own when they're at home. So you can tell a lot of things about a person from their house.
00:21:56
Speaker
I don't have to tell you this. And in fact, if you would like to share with me the things that I would learn about you just from stepping into your house, please email it to me at yourjewishweddingpodcast at gmail.com. And I would love to um read all about your home and and how it represents you.
00:22:16
Speaker
and So the Jewish household is sort of,
00:22:22
Speaker
well, when someone asks you, do you plan to have a Jewish household? I think what she's asking you is, do you plan to live a Jewish life together? And rabbis will ask you that for all different kinds of reasons. I think, you know, at the base of it, what they're really asking is like,
00:22:41
Speaker
is this wedding a wedding for a couple who's going to have a Jewish life or am I just here as an accessory or whatever? Now, to be perfectly clear, I am happy to be at your wedding as an accessory only. And I guess that's one of the reasons I don't ask you about your Jewish household or your Jewish life going forward, because um to me, that's not the point.
00:23:04
Speaker
But to other rabbis, that is the point. You know, they feel that on some level, maybe it would be, hypocritical or maybe ah poor use of their time maybe maybe
00:23:18
Speaker
um Not shallow, but maybe a surface level Jewish interaction only. And that's not something they're interested in being part of. And so that's OK. And that's why they're asking.
00:23:29
Speaker
And yeah, they may be judging you. But listen, people, you know, life is full of people judging you. if If you're getting married and you're not over that by now, you know, get used to it. Anyway, that that's not to say that. um that a rejection of a rabbi ah to officiate your wedding is not hurtful.
00:23:47
Speaker
um However, the mere asking of the question, I hope doesn't injure you too badly because ah it really is, it's, it's not such a judgmental question. i think that a rabbi who asks that is mainly gauging how,
00:24:05
Speaker
deep a part of your identity is the Jewish thing and whether she is the right person to be officiating your wedding or maybe if it would make more sense for you to have ah somebody who's not a rabbi officiate your wedding and so in that sense it's fair and I would urge you to consider that person's question generously and charitably and um answer it from ah place of openness and um gratitude that she wants to get to know more about you.
00:24:35
Speaker
And listen, just try that, okay, if you're feeling some kind of way about being asked that question. If you don't want to be asked that question, just call me, I won't ask you. But anyway, if you do, you know, I think that it would be good to sort of understand more about why and and how to answer it. So,
00:24:52
Speaker
You know, back to the chuppah, it shows that our focus on a wedding in in Jewish tradition is not really usually about love and it's not really even about family. It's about the new family that the two of you are making together and what's that going to look like.
00:25:09
Speaker
Okay. So there's also a phrase of congratulations that a lot of Jewish communities use. And they say, may you be zochet, which means merit. May you be um sort of righteous enough or something. May the two of you be zochet, may the two of you merit to have a bai'it ne'man by Yisrael.
00:25:32
Speaker
it's Bais, yes, a bais ne'man by Yisrael, which means may the two of you be blessed or be lucky enough or be strengthened enough to establish a faithful Jewish household.
00:25:47
Speaker
Right. um Or a faithful household among the Jewish people. Right. That's another way to translate it. um And of course, the meanings for that are myriad and depend really depend on what's important to each person in each community. OK, so a lot of rabbis who will officiate an interfaith wedding, they will ask a few questions.
00:26:10
Speaker
You know. How does your family feel about the interfaith wedding? How do you feel about the interfaith wedding? Do you want to have any non-Jewish aspects at the wedding? And do you intend to have a Jewish household?
00:26:23
Speaker
Another one that gets people a lot is do you intend to raise Jewish children? Which kind of honestly goes hand in hand with the Jewish household. And this episode may help you also answer the do you intend to raise Jewish children?
00:26:36
Speaker
All right. um And the question that I would really like to ask, you know, we are in a season of asking questions. Passover Seder is coming up and asking questions is at the heart of Jewish learning, which is at the heart of each individual's Jewish devotion and identity.
00:26:56
Speaker
So this is not a question to throw shade at any rabbi who asks it. But honestly, now here's the question. When you say, Do you plan to have a Jewish household?
00:27:09
Speaker
What the heck does that mean?
00:27:13
Speaker
And a good rabbi is going to say, I'm so glad you asked. I want to hear what it means to you, right? A good rabbi never answers like ah a question with an answer, by the way. She'll always answer it with a question, another question, because that's what sparks dialogue, right?
00:27:28
Speaker
If you find it annoying, I'm sorry. That's just kind of part of who we are. Okay. And you know, If you tell me it annoys you, I guess I'll try and curtail that. Okay. I do try to, I'm in, listen, I answer questions practically and truthfully, but what the heck does it mean?
00:27:43
Speaker
What does it mean to have a Jewish household? And, you know, maybe your knee jerk reaction is like, of course we're going Jewish house. Of course we are. Can you tell somebody what that means? Okay.
00:27:56
Speaker
Okay. And if your answer is, uh, I don't know, my concern is that I don't want this to be the reason that you call off having a Jewish wedding entirely.
00:28:06
Speaker
Okay?
00:28:09
Speaker
So here's one thing I want you to remember before we go into the answer to what does a Jewish household look like? I want you to remember that a lot of rabbis that you will come across when you're looking for it, when you go on Google and you search,
00:28:28
Speaker
Interfaith Wedding Rabbi, Nashville, Tennessee, or Sacramento, California, or wherever you are. Shout out to the Maddies who live. I think you live in Sacramento. um
00:28:42
Speaker
So when you Google that you're looking for ah rabbi to do your interfaith wedding wherever you live, a lot of the rabbis that you come across, it is not their number one job doing weddings.
00:28:58
Speaker
They are so busy, you guys. Congregational rabbis especially, they have so much to do. And there's always somebody calling them to complain or to tell them about a new program idea or to kvel about their kid or somebody else's kid or kvel about how great last Friday's service was and isn't that nice.
00:29:19
Speaker
And then the congregational rabbi has to meet with the board, which has to meet with the board. It's a joy to meet with the board. And then they teach Torah class. And then they go to the interfaith clergy council for their city.
00:29:32
Speaker
And then they talk to the lady who helps run the kitchen about that weekend's bat mitzvah. Then they meet the bat mitzvah girl to go over her Torah portion. And they are so, so, so busy. So when somebody comes to them and says, can you officiate our wedding?
00:29:49
Speaker
That's like one of several things that that congregational rabbi is doing. Okay. And so you know, he may want to feel super invested in your personal wedding to, to make it something that he wants to add to his plate. Okay. For, for lack of a better way to say it.
00:30:05
Speaker
So, and that's why I say this with love. Okay. A lot of the rabbis you will talk to are kind of like those professors that you had in college who think that their class is the only class you're taking.
00:30:20
Speaker
Okay, the rabbi is the professor and the class is Jewish. Right? So you're planning a wedding and you are... finding the venue and you're finding the caterer and you're finding the photographer and you're finding the florist or maybe you're on Pinterest and you're trying to figure out how the heck you're going to DIY this wedding.
00:30:44
Speaker
And you're, you're trying to figure out your bridesmaids and groomsmen lineup. And you're thinking about seating charts and attendance numbers. And, oh my gosh, this wedding centers around a ceremony in which you will get married.
00:30:59
Speaker
And now add that to the list because what the heck are we going to do for our ceremony? Okay. So it could be that for you, this is an easy choice. Yeah, I want a Jewish wedding because I'm Jewish or because my partner is Jewish and I love that about her.
00:31:17
Speaker
And I want that to be part of our life going forward. Right? You know that you want a Jewish wedding in the same way that you know that you love peonies and a navy and rose gold color scheme.
00:31:31
Speaker
Is that still a thing or is that cringy? I don't know. um Or that you want a wedding outside or that you want a wedding reception inside or whatever it is. And to you, easy. It's an easy decision.
00:31:42
Speaker
So what do you do when you know you want something at your wedding?
00:31:48
Speaker
When you call the florist and she says, what kind of flowers you want? And you say, I want peonies and tulips. And she says, great, here's your invoice. So it could be that you're in wedding planning mode and you're thinking, I will call the rabbi and I will say, I want a Jewish wedding. And she will say, all right, I'll send you an invoice and I'll see you there.
00:32:13
Speaker
Because a lot of rabbis you talk to are busy with a lot of other stuff. And To them, this wedding ceremony is like a Jewish wedding ceremony.
00:32:24
Speaker
And it's not just an item on your wedding to-do list. Not that the ceremony is just anything. Not that anything is just anything. But you have a lot of stuff to do. and To them, they're thinking that the most important aspect of your wedding is going to be the part that they're involved in, which is the Jewish ceremony part, when actually it may it may not be.
00:32:44
Speaker
And that's not a dig on either one of you, right? Of course, a rabbi would think that the Jewish part is the most significant part of your wedding planning. Otherwise, she wouldn't be a rabbi. Do you know that I went to school for five years after undergraduate to become a rabbi?
00:33:02
Speaker
And some people go for six years or even longer because they didn't have the amazing Hebrew learning opportunities that I had in my undergraduate years.
00:33:13
Speaker
I mean, maybe it's like, you know, you've got a cardiologist in the family and you're sitting and chatting and you mentioned to her that um you don't really care about cholesterol.
00:33:27
Speaker
It's not important to you.
00:33:30
Speaker
I mean, hopefully she's polite enough to like not talk about cardiology anymore, but also she's probably like, how could that not be so important? You know, when a rabbi officiates a wedding, she is seeing it as the beginning of a beautiful Jewish family.
00:33:46
Speaker
And she wants to know that it will indeed be the beginning of a beautiful Jewish family. And so she, you know, she may ask that question and to her, it's very, very important. And she's trying to see if it's important to you.
00:33:57
Speaker
I want you to be honest with her. Okay. About what your Jewish household will look like.
00:34:05
Speaker
so that you can engage her to be at your wedding and so that you can understand, not so that you can pretend that a Jewish household is more important to you than it is, God forbid, but so that you can take a look around you at your household, at your plans for the future, at what you envision yourselves doing as a married couple in the next two or five or 10 or 30 years and see for yourself, oh, wow,
00:34:33
Speaker
That is what a Jewish household looks like. And that's what our Jewish household is going to look like. And this is something that I can tell the rabbi. Okay. And the rabbi will be happy and you will be happy and your mom will be happy and your mother-in-law will be happy.
00:34:49
Speaker
And the little kids will be happy at your wedding because now you can break a glass at your wedding and the rabbi will tell everybody to say Mazel Tov. And it's going to be so much fun. Okay. So don't worry. All right.
00:35:00
Speaker
So. A lot of rabbis will have this idea that the ceremony is so important and they'll tell you that it's got to be super important and
00:35:15
Speaker
you know If you're thinking to yourself, oh man, the religious aspect isn't that important to us, and the Jewish aspect isn't that important to us, and we really just want somebody to help us smash the glass, then you know what?
00:35:27
Speaker
Maybe you don't need a rabbi. and um yeah i don't know. yeah i hope it'll all work out with you guys, but... The thing is that for me, and you know going deeper into the reason that I don't ask this question, is that almost every couple I've talked to is that they know they want at least elements of a traditional Jewish ceremony. And they say that.
00:35:47
Speaker
We want some elements. We don't want it to be a super traditional wedding ceremony. And to be to be serious here for a moment, okay, it's not because it's an item on their checklist. Not deep down. I mean, it is an item on their checklist and it's something they know right away and they're very decisive about, but they often haven't done the work um to think about why it's important to them.
00:36:08
Speaker
And the answer is that it's simple. It's part of your identity. If you grew up knowing that you're Jewish or if you've connected with your Judaism in a deeper way at any point in your life, then it's important to you and it's part of your identity.
00:36:21
Speaker
Okay. The thing is that nobody can tell you anything about your identity because your identity belongs to you. It's very personal. Your relationship to Judaism is very personal.
00:36:34
Speaker
And I, when I was doing a little like digging around on YouTube, there were a lot of rabbis who were saying what Jewish life is or what a Jewish identity is.
00:36:46
Speaker
You know, some examples are if you hear Hatikvah, the Israeli national anthem playing. Well, if you have a Jewish identity, you will feel something. Okay, but that's not true for everyone, right?
00:36:59
Speaker
Or if you smell matzo ball soup cooking, you'll know that Passover is coming. I mean, maybe, but maybe you didn't grow up in a house where your mom or dad cooked matzo ball soup for Passover or even cooked for Passover at all.
00:37:13
Speaker
I don't know. Our identities are so personal um and it's not up to anyone, um not even a rabbi, to tell you what your Jewish identity should be or what constitutes a Jewish identity that's like valid or that's like, quote unquote, enough. OK, I, Rabbi Leanne. think that your Jewish identity is enough.
00:37:30
Speaker
Okay, whatever it is. Okay. So um if your Jewish identity is so personal, it's so individual to you, then also your Jewish home would be so personal and so individual to you.
00:37:41
Speaker
And so I can't make a determination.
Jewish Household Practices and Continuity
00:37:44
Speaker
about how serious you are about your Jewish household, right? And your Jewish identity just from you telling me something because I'm not you. And that is why i will ask you about it um later because I'm nosy and not because it's a requirement.
00:37:56
Speaker
Okay. So listen, again, this is fra for another episode. I think this is for another episode. The fact that you want a rabbi at your wedding for literally any reason, even if it's just quote unquote to make your mom happy, whatever reason it is, I don't, I personally don't care.
00:38:15
Speaker
i don't I don't understand why other rabbis care so much. I can see how they would get into that mindset. That doesn't mean that I understand. Okay. I believe that just a rabbi's presence at your wedding ceremony, I think that a rabbi being there for you, I think that ultimately, and this is a philosophy slash belief of mine, that is based in some empirical evidence. Okay.
00:38:40
Speaker
But I believe that just a rabbi being at your wedding ceremony is good for the Jews. It's good for the Jewish people. It's good for continuity.
00:38:51
Speaker
Right. And we, if you all go all the way back to our episode on interfaith weddings and why I believe that it's important to officiate them.
00:39:02
Speaker
There are studies. This is stunning, by the way. There is a study that came out of Brandeis that shows that for Jewish couples who Okay, so both bride and groom or bride and bride and groom and groom. Both of them are Jewish.
00:39:19
Speaker
They have a rabbi officiate their wedding. 92% of those couples raise Jewish children, like raise children in a Jewish household, this Jewish household that we're talking so much about in this episode.
00:39:31
Speaker
Fine. you so Of course, they're going to raise their kids. Of course. and that Who is this 8% of Jewish couples who don't raise their kids Jewish? I've met them. Lovely people. Um, That's neither here nor there.
00:39:44
Speaker
So, but you're like, okay, Rabbi Leanne, but what about the interfaith couples that they just want a rabbi at their wedding ceremony for an accessory? Interfaith couples who have a rabbi officiate their wedding are raising their children in a Jewish household at a rate of 85%.
00:40:07
Speaker
mean, percent
00:40:13
Speaker
That is absolutely mind blowing
00:40:19
Speaker
versus, okay, what's our percentages? Wait, I had this copied somewhere here. Let me click around. Let me click around there. i'll I'll tell you the stats. Okay.
00:40:31
Speaker
Here, I'll tell you the statistics. Couples. Okay. Here we are. And I will link this article in the show notes. Of course, this is from an article entitled, Are Rabbis Who Refused to Marry Interfaith Couples Hurting Jewish Continuity?
00:40:45
Speaker
Yes, I know this is for another episode. It's just a little tangent. Calm down. So,
00:40:54
Speaker
Interfaith couples
00:40:57
Speaker
who have other officiants. So interfaith couples who don't have a rabbi. Now remember, 85% of intermarried couples who had Jewish clergy officiate their wedding are raising Jewish children in a Jewish household.
00:41:13
Speaker
The percentage for intermarried couples who did not have a rabbi 23%. is twenty three percent
00:41:22
Speaker
Okay, it is more than 60% worse for the Jews for a rabbi to not officiate the wedding. And that to me, that's, you know, that's really the beginning and the end of it. To be perfectly honest, that's the beginning and the end of it. So we will take a quick break.
00:41:37
Speaker
And when we come back, we will talk about how you can examine The household you currently have and the household that you plan to have as a married couple.
00:41:51
Speaker
And what is Jewish about that household so that when you are asked this question, you have no problem sincerely and excitedly giving a response to
00:42:23
Speaker
Welcome back. I am just checking really quickly to see if my husband is on his way home from jury duty yet. He's not. He says they get sent home at 2.30 if no notice of a trial is provided by then.
00:42:37
Speaker
Okay.
00:42:40
Speaker
It's now 2.05. I think we can finish in 25 minutes. In any way, he has to drive home. It's like a 10-minute drive home. Okay. So...
00:42:50
Speaker
To help you answer the question, do you plan to have a Jewish household? What is that? What does it mean to have a Jewish household? Okay. Great question. I actually, ah personally, as a person who is an ordained rabbi and who has been in a Jewish marriage for 20 years and is raising four children in a Jewish household, I literally sat here and Googled, what does it mean to have a Jewish household? I don't know.
00:43:19
Speaker
i I mean, yeah, I've got a Jewish household, but I think that there is an issue with people feeling like their Jewish household is not enough, even rabbis. And I will read you a quote from one of the authors of one of the papers I'm going to cite here in a second, who says exactly that same thing. So I'm not alone. And remember, if you're Jewish, you're never alone on many levels. All right.
00:43:45
Speaker
There aren't many of us, but we have strong presence. Okay. So If you can distill Judaism or the Jewish ethno-religion, culture, faith, whatever you want to call it, down to one word, you actually can, okay?
00:44:02
Speaker
One word.
00:44:05
Speaker
Judaism is about memory. Okay, it's about remembering. The things that make us who we are. There is a book. This is not my original idea. this the There is a book that came out.
00:44:20
Speaker
um Oh, gosh. It maybe was like 80 years ago now. I'll have to check. um The book is called Zahor. Jewish History and Jewish Memory. And it's by the historian Yosef Chaim Yoroshami.
00:44:36
Speaker
I'll link to in the show notes, of course. It's a very short book. You can read it Shabbos afternoon, even before you fall asleep, even before you start your Shabbos shlefi. Okay. You can get through this book or maybe at least a part of it, you know, it's very skinny.
00:44:51
Speaker
um And that's because the idea, even though it has many facets is a simple idea, memory, Zahor, which actually is the ah Hebrew nerd time is the command form of the verb to remember so it's like zachor is like remember exclamation point command so this word zachor is actually a repeated almost 200 times in the hebrew bible And it's not only directed at the Jewish people, it's also directed back to God. Okay. God promises to remember things like how um that whole thing with like the flood and destroying every living thing on earth was actually kind of like a really catastrophic and inhumane and awful decision. And God's going to remember not to do that anymore. And that's a promise.
00:45:45
Speaker
And the Jewish people have to remember a lot of things also. You know, things like big events, like the exodus from Egypt. That's a big one. um We also have to remember the day of Shabbat, the Sabbath day.
00:46:00
Speaker
and that's like a weekly thing, obviously. And um lots of other stuff. And it it mainly is about the relationship, the evolving, ongoing, ever-present relationship between the Jewish people and God.
00:46:19
Speaker
So the great thing about this commandment to remember is that it is, it happens on a very regimented schedule. Okay. It happens on a weekly calendar with Shabbat and it happens on an annual calendar with every holiday.
00:46:38
Speaker
And you know, i said to somebody this past Purim, Purim is the holiday. it's usually um around the beginning to middle of March and And it remembers the events of the biblical book of Esther when the Jews were in a tight spot and Queen Esther was a hero and saved us all in Persia anyway.
00:46:56
Speaker
um Somebody couldn't make it to the morning reading of the Megillah, which is the scroll, the book of Esther. in Hebrew that we're commanded to hear every year.
00:47:07
Speaker
And I said, well, you know, the great thing about Purim is um it's going to happen again next year. It's like an old lady joke, but it's true. It's true. These holidays do come around every single year and God willing, we will be here a year from now.
00:47:21
Speaker
to do what we wished we could have done the year before. So that's the beauty of this remembering, if this memory, is that we are always being presented with a new upcoming chance to do this remembering. So the one we're looking at now is Passover. And I'll tell you, preparing for Passover takes up so much mental energy for me.
00:47:42
Speaker
because I do all the cooking and all the cleaning and all the hosting of Seder, which is very low key here. Okay. Not to make you think that I'm like Martha Stewart.
00:47:52
Speaker
What should we call it? Jewish Martha Stewart, Miriam Stewart, or probably just Martha Stewart. Because I think if you Google Martha Stewart Passover, you will come up with a lot of resources for how to host a perfect Seder.
00:48:04
Speaker
Probably. Okay. I'm going to do that. I'm
00:48:09
Speaker
Listen, I know I go on a lot of tangents, guys, but you knew that. You knew that when you tuned in. And you could see how long the podcast episode was. Martha Stewart, Passover.
00:48:23
Speaker
oh man. Right at the top. Passover recipes from Martha Stewart. 23 best recipes for your Seder from Martha Stewart. I do like six recipes for my Seder max.
00:48:37
Speaker
So Martha makes a Passover apple cake. How to make a Passover matzah house like a gingerbread house? Martha. Okay. I don't do, i don't do all that, but you know what?
00:48:48
Speaker
Maybe I will. So maybe one day I will. You know, God willing, I have many years left on this earth. I'm turning 43 in a few weeks. So God willing, many, many more decades, God willing, on this earth.
00:49:02
Speaker
So ah the Jewish household, basically, when somebody asks you, do you plan to have a Jewish household? What that Jewish household
00:49:13
Speaker
partly is is, how do you remember the story of the Jewish people, right? How are you going to celebrate the holidays? okay This is the big, easy, obvious answer. Obviously, Shabbat is a weekly holiday.
00:49:26
Speaker
um But, you know, I think most people, man, life comes at you fast. it Shabbat is a lot for people because it does happen every week. And um I have to be honest, it's a lot for me. I cook every week for Shabbos, mostly so that I don't have to fix kids' food on Saturday because I don't want to because it's Shabbos. But it takes like a solid day out of my week at least every week to get ready for Shabbos. It's a lot.
00:49:51
Speaker
So I think that, you know, if you are really just stymied about how to answer this question, like, are you going to establish a Jewish household and you don't have a Shabbat practice? Don't worry about it.
00:50:02
Speaker
Don't worry about it. You can think about the holidays. So what are you going to do for the holidays? Is there anything that you do for the holidays now? Passover is coming up. Will you have a Passover meal or a Passover Seder, which is like a meal plus some prayers and some readings at your house?
00:50:19
Speaker
Or do you always go to your mom's house and the person that you're marrying, the non-Jewish person, by the way, has come to your house for Seder for the last three years because she's part of the family and your mom taught her to make matzo balls.
00:50:32
Speaker
Okay. Bada bing, bada boom. You've got a Jewish household. All right. It's one aspect, obviously, but this is one thing you can say, right? An easy one for a lot of Jews and a lot of interfaith couples is Hanukkah.
00:50:44
Speaker
Why? Because it's hard to forget Hanukkah because it's always around Christmas time and it's a very commercialized holiday. And a lot of people say that's terrible, but I say that's great because it's very hard to forget that Hanukkah exists.
00:50:57
Speaker
And it's something nice and warm, honestly, in the middle of a terrible, cold, frigid, awful world. Okay. So are you going to light Hanukkah candles together every year? Do you have a menorah that um you bought together?
00:51:11
Speaker
Are you going to buy a menorah together? And that's one of the the things you're excited to do in your first year as a married couple. um Do you have people over for ah holiday party and part of it is Hanukkah decorations?
00:51:25
Speaker
Great. I'm going to tell you right now, this fictional rabbi who is asking you, do you plan to establish a Jewish household? He's going love to hear this answer. ah yeah, we're going shopping. We actually shopped for a menorah together on Etsy.
00:51:39
Speaker
And it symbolizes who we are as a family. Oh my gosh, what a beautiful answer. Okay, now going along with the holidays, obviously, white must we have at every Jewish holiday is the food that goes for the holiday, that goes with the holiday. Okay. So I said matzo balls at Passover. Did I tell you guys about my children who conspired to gaslight me a couple of years ago?
00:52:07
Speaker
Hanukkah was coming up. I think I have told you this story, but I'm telling it again. My children, my four children at the time, they were probably, 10, 12, 13, and 15. Okay, that's their spread. They're like, they were all four born within five years.
00:52:24
Speaker
They all conspired against me. And it was Hanukkah. And one of them said, Oh, all innocent. I think it was my third one. She said, When are you making matzo balls?
00:52:37
Speaker
What do you mean? What am I making matzo balls? It's Hanukkah. Hanukkah, we have latkes and sufganiyot. We have donuts and latkes because they're fried in oil.
00:52:49
Speaker
Massa balls are not fried in oil. They're cooked in chicken broth and there are schvitz to make. It's a big pachkini thing. Like it's a big fussy thing. You got to stand in the kitchen. You got to beat the eggs forever and ever until your arm falls off. You have to like wait for the dough to chill and then you got to roll it. You got to drop it all in at the same time. You got to seal it up really fast. And then you've got to like peer at the matzo balls and like don't disturb them.
00:53:15
Speaker
Okay, if you disturb them before they're done, they will never, ever cook. I mean, it's a whole thing. And I've been making matzo balls for over 20 years. I still mess them up sometimes. I do not like making matzo balls. And thanks to my doctor-given diet plan, I can't even eat them, okay? I don't like making matzo balls.
00:53:32
Speaker
My kids love the matzo balls. Three out of four of them love the matzo balls. So they said to me, they sent out a tribute. My daughter, Emo, when are you making matzo balls?
00:53:45
Speaker
for Hanukkah. I don't make matzo balls for Hanukkah. Yes, you do. She says, yes, you do, Ima. Every year you make matzo balls for Hanukkah. Now I know this is not true.
00:54:00
Speaker
They are all looking at me with these hopeful eyes, dead serious. Yes, you always make them for Hanukkah.
00:54:10
Speaker
So I made them, you know, and now, and now that's a thing in our house is matzo balls for Hanukkah because of that story.
00:54:20
Speaker
One day when they're in their twenties or thirties, they will admit that they gaslit me.
00:54:28
Speaker
And maybe that day will come when I already am too old to even remember anything. And then hopefully they will feel the sting and the sourness of not being able to ever confess it to me before I die.
00:54:44
Speaker
Is that the most Jewish mother thing I've ever said on this podcast? I think it may be. Anyway, so talk about the Jewish food in your house. Do you have Jewish food that you guys love to love to make? Do you um do you make matzo braai year round? I don't know why you would do that, but I think some people make matzo braai.
00:55:01
Speaker
on Shabbos, every Shabbos morning. Do you love to go to a bagel place together on Saturdays? Okay. That's not even like a religious thing, but bagels are like, you know, like a Jewish food.
00:55:13
Speaker
Um, I have one couple whose wedding I did a long time ago. It's not so long ago, like two years ago now. Um, maybe a year and a half ago. They have a bunny rabbit.
00:55:25
Speaker
You know who you are. The bunny rabbit's name is Kanish, which is an Eastern European Jewish food. Okay. I feel like that makes a Jewish household. They do have, they do a lot of Jewish stuff in that house, by the way. It's very important to both of them.
00:55:39
Speaker
um But the bunny's name is Kanish and the anniversary of her adoption into their home. Guess what it's called? Kanishmas.
00:55:50
Speaker
ah I mean, how great. All right. But they also had a memory. This one couple had a memory they shared with me of learning to cook latkes together. And if you've ever attempted to cook latkes, it's not for the faint of heart. Of course, they set the fire alarm off. There was all this drama and it's a beautiful memory.
00:56:08
Speaker
And so now they they have figured finally figured out how to make the latkes and not set off the fire alarm. ah But that is a part of their Jewish household. OK, and remember, when you answer this question about do you plan to establish a Jewish household, it doesn't have to be stuff you're already doing.
00:56:27
Speaker
It can be stuff you're excited about doing in the future. Or stuff you want to do, traditions you want to start, Jewish objects you want to buy. We're
00:56:41
Speaker
we're going to talk about Jewish objects a little bit more because I have an article. It's really long. This professor, Dr. Oaks, I think that's how you pronounce her last name, O-C-H-S, Vanessa Oaks, she was a professor at ah UVA, and I actually met her and fangirled.
00:56:57
Speaker
This was, I met her, gosh, 18 years ago now, because I interviewed to be the rabbi at UVA, and I really wanted that job, but I didn't get it. Anyway, um I met her, and I had her sign a book of mine. That's how big of a Jewish nerd I am, and I always have been.
00:57:11
Speaker
Anyway, I found an article from her about what makes a Jewish household, and I will share some of that information. here at the end. But one more thing I want you to slot in here to your possible answers for, do you plan to establish a Jewish household is what is your involvement in the Jewish community or with Jewish education?
00:57:30
Speaker
OK, are you planning to participate in the Jewish community? And um is Jewish learning, is Jewish education, Jewish enrichment a priority for you and how?
00:57:41
Speaker
OK, so if you are thinking to yourself, yeah, we'd like to go to synagogue or we do go to synagogue for Rosh Hashanah. Say that. okay A lot of my couples um are looking with excitement and joy to a future with children.
00:58:02
Speaker
So you can say, when we have kids, we're going to be at Tachibot. Or we're going to send her to Jewish preschool. And one of us is going to leave work a little early to come do quote unquote Shabbat at preschool with our baby.
00:58:20
Speaker
Uh, or, um, when she gets old enough, you know, we want her to become a bat mitzvah. We're going send her to Hebrew school. Yes. We're going to join a synagogue. Okay. That, especially if it's not a rabbi like me, like I pretty much just do weddings.
00:58:34
Speaker
Okay. Um, a rabbi who actually works at a synagogue, this would be music to his ears. Yeah, we're going to join a synagogue. We're really excited about it. Okay, there's also Jewish learning slash enrichment slash participation. participation um If memory is the most important component of being Jewish or like Jewish culture and religion,
00:58:58
Speaker
Probably the next most important one is questioning, asking questions, investigating, um challenging what we ah challenging assumptions about what we've always had about Judaism. Right. How do we do that? Jews do what we call Jewish learning, um Jewish, um you know, study, Jewish education. So. A lot of communities will have a class you can take about Judaism 101.
00:59:23
Speaker
A lot of people think that's the conversion class. Sometimes, actually, oftentimes that is the conversion class, but you can take it even if you're not converting. You can. You can take it if you're both Jewish and you just want to brush up and you want, by the way, you also want to get to know one of the rabbis in your community. It's a great way to do it. Take the class.
00:59:42
Speaker
Sign up for Judaism 101.
00:59:45
Speaker
OK, if you live near one or more active synagogues, a lot of times they'll have other classes that are not Judaism 101, just the regular ah Torah study.
00:59:57
Speaker
you're going to learn about Jewish law. There is no such thing as a beginner in Jewish knowledge, by the way. Do you guys want a podcast about that? I will tell you all about that. That's another tangent I'm not going to go into here because my husband's almost home from jury duty. But I think that's an important thing for us to realize. There is no such thing.
01:00:16
Speaker
notes I'm writing like a physical note right now. No such thing as a Jewish learning beginner. Okay. Okay. So if if the class looks scary, it doesn't matter. Hop on.
01:00:34
Speaker
Sign up or, you know, just email the rabbi. The rabbi would be thrilled to have somebody email her and say, I see that you're teaching a class on Maimonides. and the Jewish rules about keeping kosher, am I allowed to come?
01:00:47
Speaker
Yes, please come. Please, nothing would bring her more joy, okay? Now, but you know learning at a synagogue or like learning about Torah or Jewish law is not the only form of Jewish learning.
01:00:58
Speaker
It's certainly not the only form. It's definitely not um the only valuable form. Okay. Because we have Judaism is not only the conversation about the past and not only the conversation about our established text, but it is the ongoing conversation about our identity.
01:01:17
Speaker
Which means if you listen to ah Jewish podcast, if you listen to Jewish news in any way, if you like listen, if you read the Jerusalem post once in a while,
01:01:30
Speaker
okay If you get the Columbus Jewish newspaper in Columbus, Ohio or Cleveland Jewish News or whatever delivered to your mailbox and you read the headline and you save the headlines that you think maybe people will want for posterity like I do.
01:01:47
Speaker
Tell the rabbi that when she asks, will you have a Jewish household? Yes, that's part of your Jewish household. You have the Columbus Jewish News coming to your house? Yeah, that's really Jew-y.
01:01:57
Speaker
Do you Do you go to a Jewish book club or could you? Or would you want to? Okay, do you know what's coming back into fashion in my community?
01:02:09
Speaker
Mahjong. Does your mom or your grandma play Mahjong? Well, therere they're starting to play Mahjong again in in our Jewish community, but it's it's drawing women in their 30s who want to learn how to play Mahjong.
01:02:27
Speaker
and who are learning from their mothers and grandmothers how to play Mahjong. That's important. That's part of a Jewish household. Okay. But this is what i think may be easiest for you guys to answer. And what most people think about when they're thinking about what does it mean to have a Jewish household?
01:02:47
Speaker
It's Jewish stuff. And if you and I have been on a phone call about planning your wedding ceremony. So if you're one of the few dozen couples who I've worked with on planning their wedding ceremony in the last couple of years,
01:02:59
Speaker
um I've explained to you the importance of stuff, right? It starts with like the chuppah cover and it goes to like the kiddish cup and the glass are going to break. And if you're wearing a prayer shawl or if there's going to be a prayer shawl there or um the rings that you're exchanging, what's the meaning of them? Like all the Jewish stuff.
01:03:18
Speaker
There's a, there's sort of like a vibe in Jewish culture that um our ritual objects, right? So the things that we use to perform Jewish life, So like the kiddish cup, the seder plate, the prayer shawl, the cover of your chuppah is maybe also a tablecloth or maybe also a quilt, right? We've talked about this.
01:03:38
Speaker
That stuff carries essentially Jewish energy and like the good vibes of the events that it's been present at. Okay, so that Jewish stuff is not just stuff, right? it's Jews are not minimalists.
01:03:54
Speaker
We have so much stuff. yeah know I don't have one set of Shabbat candlesticks. There's literally like eight over there because one of my kids wants to take this one. and Another one wants to take that one. Another one got this kiddish cup for her bat mitzvah and so and so such and such.
01:04:07
Speaker
um I actually we have this hola cover that we've had. I'll see if I can find one and link it. Let me make a note. I got it when they were little.
01:04:18
Speaker
It has ah it's like one of the Emanuel studio ones and it has a depiction of the seven days of creation, the creation of the world, which is, of course, what we're remembering on Shabbat. Excuse me.
01:04:31
Speaker
And, you know, it's gotten dirty, right? it's been at Shabbos dinner with like little grubby hands and, um, whatever. So I try to wash it. And then of course the washing like faded it and whatever. And, um, you know, my youngest two are, uh, almost 13 and almost 15 now.
01:04:48
Speaker
And they were talking a little while ago about who, who's taking the hollow cover when they leave, when they move out of the house. So I just like real quick, just ordered some backups.
01:04:58
Speaker
You know, so it sometimes in a Jewish house, there will be multiples of things because we have this idea that these things are important um because they help us facilitate Jewish life or family traditions or they carry a memory with them. Right.
01:05:12
Speaker
So do you have Jewish stuff in your house? We talked about this a little bit with holidays, but like, do you have a menorah? Do you have, oh, on your front door, do you have a mezuzah?
01:05:25
Speaker
Which, okay. Do you know what a mezuzah is? If you want episodes on just like regular Jewish life, let me know. I'll talk about it. mezuzah is the little thing on Jewish doorposts that sort of like tilts in.
01:05:37
Speaker
um And it's a marker of a Jewish household, among many other things. ah I'll link a ah little article ah because maybe you don't know how to spell mezuzah. So you can see what it is. um i just made a note of that. um But do you have stuff on the doors? Does somebody give you...
01:05:55
Speaker
um a framed print of Jerusalem or something that says Shalom and you put it on your wall. Did somebody send you a card for Passover and it's still on your mantle?
01:06:07
Speaker
um Do you have a picture from your bar bat mitzvah that you like to put on the bookshelf? Cause it's so cringy, whatever it is. do you have Jewish books? Books are like such a Jewish thing. Like not only Jewish books, just like books in general, like reading is such a big and important part of our culture for reasons which are probably obvious to you by now.
01:06:26
Speaker
um But when I Googled, as I told you, oh here's an in my notes. Okay. If you are one of my couples, one of my wedding couples that you booked with me, um I send a welcome package to my wedding couples.
01:06:39
Speaker
And I always make sure to put a hamsa, a little, uh, It's like a hand. It's like a Middle Eastern symbol of protection and, um you know, prayer for like blessings um and and the repelling of bad things from you. So it's kind of like it's held up like you can see the palm.
01:07:00
Speaker
Chamsa means five, so it refers to the five fingers. um I always send that with you. Is that if you're one of my wedding couples, do you have that out on your um on your countertop anywhere? Do you put your rings in it at the end of the day?
01:07:13
Speaker
That's Jewish.
01:07:16
Speaker
Okay, if you're getting if you're getting married and you're calling this rabbi and you're asking her, will you officiate my wedding? And she asks about your Jewish household um and you're thinking about this Jewish wedding. Have you thought about your ketubah?
01:07:28
Speaker
Ketubah is a marriage contract and it is. We have a few episodes about the ketubah, I think. Yeah, well, we have one. Episode 23 about... um is about The ketubah that was with Becca who creates ketubahs.
01:07:44
Speaker
Oh yeah. Episode 13 and episode 14 are about the ketubah. We'll probably have some more, honestly. um it's a Jewish marriage contract, which is not so, um, financial these days for the most part, especially if you're an interfaith couple, are you, are you planning to have a beautiful ketubah and will you frame that and put it on your wall?
01:08:06
Speaker
Bada bing, bada boom. Jewish households. Okay, so these are all parts of what you can tell a rabbi that you are approaching, asking her to officiate your wedding. You can offer all these things to her like, yeah, we're going to hang our ketubah in our home.
01:08:22
Speaker
We're so excited to celebrate Hanukkah with the family. You know, we we are going to the pottery place together to paint our own Seder plate. That's the thing you can do for Passover.
01:08:33
Speaker
um i don't know. we We have this plan all year long. We're learning how to cook new Jewish foods because we want to celebrate the holidays, right? We are going to come to a synagogue for Rosh Hashanah. We're really excited to meet the rabbi who lives near us, whatever it is.
01:08:46
Speaker
All of these things, any of these things will be music to the rabbi's ears. Now, this is not a guarantee that this rabbi will be able to officiate your wedding, right?
01:08:57
Speaker
There are, for a lot of rabbis, not so much for me, but for a lot of rabbis, there are a lot of different considerations that go into deciding whether they're going to officiate your wedding. This question, are you planning to have a Jewish household? This is just one of the considerations.
01:09:12
Speaker
And of course, we talked about this in um past episodes. Rabbis are in fact people. And we are individuals with flaws and emotions that are maybe not always um the same as our colleagues, maybe not even wholesome. So we all have different reasons for accepting and rejecting engagements um to officiate weddings.
01:09:38
Speaker
However, i do think that if you think about any of this stuff that we just talked about that um will define a Jewish household,
01:09:50
Speaker
you'll You'll be on a great path. You know, I told you I was going to tell you about this article by Vanessa Oaks. And honestly, we are at um one hour and nine minutes right now, and I've got some stuff to cut out. So I think that we're good on time.
01:10:04
Speaker
I'm going to link the article, obviously, and I do have it ah copy pasted in a Google Drive just in case it like disappears from the Internet because that happens sometimes. um She talks about the importance of objects.
01:10:18
Speaker
And i love um I loved this quote that she had. um She's talking about um people with spiritual lives.
01:10:33
Speaker
And she says this, people who live and construct religious spiritual lives have known have always known that things are teachers and things are revelatory. Doesn't that sound funny?
01:10:49
Speaker
But things are so powerful. They know it in their bodies as common sense. And we can tell this, she says, now I'm like, I'm sort of paraphrasing and skipping, but she says,
01:11:03
Speaker
We have sayings like clothes make the man and you are what you eat. And then now I'm quoting with chicken or egg circularity. We make things.
01:11:16
Speaker
Things make us. Things make us. We make things. And then she says, if this were not true about things in Judaism,
01:11:29
Speaker
For example, the central mitzvah or commandment of of doing Passover would be reading about our history of enslavement. But that's not it, right? What's the number one thing you have to have for Passover?
01:11:46
Speaker
That's right. It's matzah. Right. Matzah is the thing. You got to eat the matzah. And those of you who grew up maybe not having a kosher household, but still eating matzah on Passover. I mean, I've heard so many stories of people eating like bacon on their matzah. OK, like because matzah is the thing that you do. Right. So then now I'm quoting her again.
01:12:07
Speaker
um
01:12:10
Speaker
And she's saying the importance of actually consuming the matzah, like touching it, tasting it. She says this matzah gives us the experience of bondage in Egypt, the memory of bondage in Egypt.
01:12:23
Speaker
Right. and the ability to engage with that memory. Okay, so it's stuff, right? And and that's what stuff does for us. When we see the kiddush cup, it activates a memory of how we felt standing at our bat mitzvah and having to say that prayer, right?
01:12:41
Speaker
Or when we see the challah cover at my house, we have a memory. my You know, my kids have told me they have a memory of being very small and saying the blessing over bread after they lifted the challah cover, right? And They may not have ever accessed that memory if it weren't for the sight and the in the feel of that thing.
01:13:01
Speaker
Okay. So it may seem silly to just say, like, if you have, I'll link the whole article here. It's really worth a read. Oh, gosh.
01:13:12
Speaker
And oh, one more quote. Okay. She, um... She says, and this, i I called out this quote ah because it goes back to something that I said much earlier in this episode.
01:13:24
Speaker
So she says, quote, within Jewish homes, things, people, and even times of day and seasons of the year and of life interact in a fluid process through the things that make the home Jewish.
01:13:40
Speaker
by which things are animated by Jewish life. So what stuff moves around your house based on something Jewish that you're doing with it? Okay, so like, yes, the storybook that you have for, you know, Sammy Spider's first Sukkot.
01:14:00
Speaker
Right. You pull that out at Sukkot or like you put up the Sukkah at Sukkot time or you only make a certain food. ah You only make hamantaschen for Purim. Right.
01:14:10
Speaker
So she gives an example. And maybe you don't know what those things just meant. And that only goes to prove the point. Hang in there. She goes on to say, quote, this idea is well expressed in Sylvia Rothschild's autobiographical account of the holiday Shavuot.
01:14:28
Speaker
She says, on Shavuot, the three small rooms our family called home became a magical place, a stage, a bower redolent with the smell of fresh green leaves, roses, and peonies.
01:14:42
Speaker
Now, the holiday of Shavuot
01:14:47
Speaker
is like a blip on the radar of our family. Okay, it's an important holiday, by the way. This is an important Jewish holiday, Shavuot, and we like never celebrate it. We mostly joke about how... um In Israel, they just use it an excuse to like buy cheesecake because it's a it's a holiday where you're supposed to eat dairy.
01:15:06
Speaker
And um I'll tell you this. This is something you may not know about Rabbi Leon. There is nobody who loves cheese more than I do. I mean, that might not be true, but I really love cheese. I love cheese. I love cheese-based products. Okay.
01:15:20
Speaker
I should love this holiday. And um maybe in another universe, my love for cheese translates into doing what Sylvia Rothschild's mom did, which is obviously just I'm festooning the entire house with so many flowers, right? Because it's that early late spring, early summer holiday where you have all the flowers. You've got the peonies, you've got the roses, you've got all the greenery.
01:15:49
Speaker
But that is literally not even something I've ever thought about even doing in this household. OK, for Shavuot, we literally just joke about cheesecake on Shavuot.
01:16:00
Speaker
Chagzmeh, you know, happy holiday. So um this to me only goes to show that what may be my absolute dearest, most precious memory of what makes my household Jewish.
01:16:18
Speaker
do you hear that is my dog. My dog is stealing stuff from my office. She's ridiculous. Okay. That just goes to show that
01:16:30
Speaker
there is no such thing as a universal Jewish experience. And so there is no such thing as a universal Jewish household. Okay.
01:16:44
Speaker
So I don't want you to worry that the thing that you imagine, like when you close your eyes and you think about like, what makes my household Jewish? What makes our life Jewish? What makes my identity Jewish? Like what things, what experiences?
01:17:00
Speaker
And you come up with something. Like, oh gosh, let me think of something silly we do in our house. Oh, okay. So one year for Halloween, not a Jewish holiday, one year for Halloween, we got one of those like decals that goes on a mirror or a window.
01:17:19
Speaker
And it said, home is where you park your broom. and I thought it was real cute. It was like at the target dollar section or whatever. So I got it and it came in two separate parts. ah The first sticker was, decal was, home is where?
01:17:35
Speaker
And then the second one is where it said, you park your broom. Okay. So after that Halloween, we took, we removed the park your broom from the mirror, but we left the decal that said, home is where?
01:17:52
Speaker
And depending on the holiday that's coming up, we write in like chalk marker on the mirror. It's like a big mirror in our living room. You know, it's like a big decorative mirror. um It's like above.
01:18:04
Speaker
It's not for looking. It's for like reflecting and making the space look bigger. Okay. So we still have years and years and years later, this decal that says home is where, but we write something different underneath it in like a chalk marker, depending on the season. I'll include, I'm going to include a picture of it in the show notes. You guys can see what I'm talking about.
01:18:24
Speaker
I just, um, last week, last Friday, I just redid it to say home is where you ask four questions. which of course is a reference to the Passover Seder when um we ask four questions that ah the answers to those questions tell the entire story of Passover.
01:18:44
Speaker
um And you can hear more about that if you go back to my Passover Seder episode. um And I drew a little picture of like a Seder plate and a pile of matzah and whatever.
01:18:56
Speaker
ah But in order to put that up there, I had to erase the one that came before it, which is home is where you light eight candles. obviously for Hanukkah. And I never know exactly when I'm going to change the writing or the illustration. And, um, I always sort of change it and then wait to see how long it takes the kids to notice this year. It was two days. It took them two days to notice that it had changed and they were all like excited and giving me compliments and whatever.
01:19:24
Speaker
And i think that one day, um Perhaps my kids will be the ones changing the writing on my mirror for me because I won't be able to climb up there anymore or I'll be too tired or I'll be too busy or I'll be out of town.
01:19:37
Speaker
Or maybe they will continue the tradition in their own homes. This tradition is
01:19:45
Speaker
100%, as far as I know, original to my household. It's something that we came up with because we happen to have the decal from Halloween, which is not a Jewish thing. So I don't think that any other Jewish households do this. Maybe they have like cool chalkboards or artwork they bring out for different holidays, but it's not exactly like this.
01:20:02
Speaker
And so I could see somebody being worried that telling the rabbi about this tradition or this this quirk of their Jewish house would make them seem like silly or unknowledgeable um and maybe even This rabbi on her cranky day would be like, yeah, that's not a thing we do.
01:20:25
Speaker
Like, that's not in the Talmud. That's not in the Bible. I think most rabbis are very kind and would not say that, honestly. But, ah you know, I could see where somebody would think ah that's not something that they should say because it's not, quote unquote, normal for a Jewish household. Oh, one of my couples, Claire and Drew, if you're listening to this, I don't know. If you do listen to this, send me an email. I want to check up on you and see how you're doing. They have this like bear. It's like a bear. I never actually saw it, but they told me about it.
01:20:55
Speaker
It's a bear. Like, I think it's a teddy bear that is on their mantle. And they have like outfits for it. um Depending on the holiday. And so they got Jewish outfits for like they got like a Hanukkah outfit for it and like ah some frog outfit for it they put in for Passover.
01:21:12
Speaker
And um I guess that's kind of their version of the mirror. um But when they told me about that bear, I was so happy that they did. And they said, oh, we know it's kind of silly. And I said, no, I mean. Maybe that's a feature of it for you, that it brings silliness and joy to your household. But it's also a very powerful symbol of your recognition of the rhythm of Jewish life and how we're announcing to each other and reminding ourselves and involving that Jewish life into our household. It's a beautiful thing, the mantle bear.
01:21:45
Speaker
And I know, i think they told me they did move house. And I think that they reassured me, yes, we did bring the bear. So...
Personal and Cultural Rituals
01:21:52
Speaker
um Hopefully I will always have a mirror in my home or um some artwork or some board that says home is where you, for Hanukkah, it's home is where you light eight candles. For Passover, it's home is where you ask four questions.
01:22:06
Speaker
I feel a little verklempt talking about this. Can you hear it? And then for Rosh Hashanah, I always do home is where you dip apples and honey. And um if I may, for a moment, I think the reason I feel a little verklempt about all of it, like a little choked up, ah Yiddish for like choked up um or emotional, um is that um I feel like I know that one day my children will ask for questions somewhere that's not my house.
01:22:40
Speaker
but that it will still be home for them wherever they are asking for questions. See, can you hear? I'm getting a little choked up. Or um wherever they light eight candles, that will be home for them and that that will be a beautiful thing and that Judaism can travel and change and move with you because it's a part of you and not um It doesn't actually have to do with where you are.
01:23:03
Speaker
And um if you listen to the episodes, excuse me, if you listen to the episodes on the chuppah, that's also an idea of the chuppah is the chuppah is so super portable. And that's because we want to emphasize that your house is not about the pile of bricks, as Christian from Clueless would say.
01:23:20
Speaker
um It's not about the pile of bricks where you live. It's about ah the foundation of your home, which is the people inside of it. And
Encouragement and Engagement
01:23:27
Speaker
so God willing, we should all have strong homes and we should all have strong Jewish households based on who we are as people and what moves us and what brings us joy.
01:23:37
Speaker
And I hope that after listening to this episode, you feel comfortable and confident that if a rabbi asks you, do you plan on having a Jewish household?
01:23:50
Speaker
that you know exactly how to answer that question in a way that you feel proud of and confident of. And I guess that's my blessing for you for the end of this episode. May you always feel joy and love.
01:24:06
Speaker
and confidence and a strong identity in your Jewish household, whatever they may look like. Hey, if you have interesting Jewish traditions, and I could tell you so many, gosh, I'm thinking of one that um my supervisor at a previous job when I used to work on campus, she told us um a beautiful Jewish memory that had nothing to do with anything traditionally Jewish, but that was 100% her.
01:24:31
Speaker
um I've heard so many stories like this and hey, I always want to hear more. So please send me an email at your Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com telling me about your Jewish household things that um may be super unique. I want to hear them because it will eventually come back to exactly the right person who needs to hear it. Right. That's what happens when we put things out into the universe.
01:24:54
Speaker
So, um, All right. I guess that's it for today. Thank you for sticking with me. i don't know if you enjoy the chatter um in the future as much as I enjoy chattering in the present, but I am glad that you've been here with me. And it's been my absolute pleasure and privilege to chat with you about this today.
01:25:15
Speaker
And if, listen, if you ever have any questions, if you have episode suggestions, please. send me an email right your jewish wedding podcast at at gmail.com.
01:25:26
Speaker
Now listen, I'm going to do the shtick that a typical podcast host always does, but it's for a good reason. Okay, please like and subscribe my podcast wherever you are listening to this podcast, because it helps people who need to hear it, find it.
01:25:44
Speaker
Okay, please share the love of planning a Jewish wedding and doing things in the way that is most resonant and authentic to you with as many other people as possible. Yes, you can do that passively just by clicking like and subscribe. It helps the algorithm push me to the people who need to hear this stuff the most.
01:26:04
Speaker
And if you want to be an ultra superstar, you can leave an honest starred review on any of those platforms. And if you want to be a super ultra Hasid a Jewish righteous person or non-Jewish rightce it righteous person, as the case may be, um you can even write some words to go along with that starred review. And that will help the algorithm in turn and even more strongly. That is my understanding.
01:26:29
Speaker
So. Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for all your love and patience. And until next time. Well, everyone, i have had the best time being your rabbi for this episode. I'm so glad you joined me for another little bit of insight into planning your perfect Jewish or interfaith wedding.
01:26:46
Speaker
Until you can smash that glass on your big day, you'd might as well smash that subscribe button for this podcast. I don't want you to miss a single thing.
01:26:58
Speaker
Remember, you can always find me, Rabbi all one word, for even more tips, tricks, recommendations, and wisdom on Jewish weddings.
01:27:15
Speaker
If you want to work with me on your wedding, you'll find all the info you need at yourohiorabbi.com. Until next time, remember, you deserve the perfect wedding for you.
01:27:26
Speaker
Don't settle for anything less.