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18 - Bedecken
62 Plays11 months ago
Bedeck the halls? Nah. Bedeck the BRIDE!
(But seriously, what the heck is a bedecken?)
Chat with Rabbi LeighAnn about the Jewish custom of veiling the bride, one of the most underrated Jewish wedding customs!
Don't forget - you can reach me (Rabbi LeighAnn) any time at www.yourohiorabbi.com or everyonesfavoriterabbi.com or rabbileighann.com !
Fill out the contact form there if you'd like to work with me on your wedding. There are SO many options, from Ketubah consulting to ceremony planning. If there's something you have in mind, don't hesitate to ask - I'm here to help!
IG: @yourohiorabbi
Podcast IG: @yourjewishweddingpodcast
Send questions for me to answer on this podcast to:
Hope to see you next time! Remember - there is ALWAYS more learning to do!
<3 Rabbi LeighAnn
Show notes:
https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/313719/jewish/The-Jewish-Veiling-Ceremony-Bedeken.htm
https://ketubahazoulayart.com/bedeken-ceremony/
https://sacred-texts.com/jud/gm/gm10.htm
https://www.smashingtheglass.com/badeken-jewish-wedding-traditions-explained-4/
https://ritualwell.org/?s=bedecken
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baal_Shem_Tov
https://thewoksoflife.com/how-to-do-a-chinese-wedding-tea-ceremony/
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Transcript
Introduction to Jewish and Interfaith Weddings
00:00:00
Speaker
And when we make the jokes about, oh, we've got to make sure this is the right woman, there's this sort of undercurrent understanding of the end of the joke being because they're all the same, aren't they? Now, we don't want that, do we? I don't think any of us wants that at our wedding.
00:00:20
Speaker
Are you planning a Jewish or interfaith wedding? Are you lost on where to even begin planning the ceremony, let alone finding a rabbi to help you?
00:00:31
Speaker
Well, it doesn't matter whether one of you is Jewish or you're both Jewish. You deserve a guide. So take a deep breath. I promise it will all be okay. Welcome to Your Jewish Wedding with Rabbi Lian. Here, I can be everyone's rabbi, yours too. My guests and I will share everything we know to help make your Jewish or interfaith wedding full of tradition and perfectly yours.
00:01:15
Speaker
Well, hello, everyone. It is so good to be here with you on the Your Jewish Wedding podcast with Rabbi Leanne. I, of course, am Rabbi Leanne. I'm still low today. I know we've been enjoying some episodes with some incredible guests. And guess what? We have more to look forward to in the future. But for today, I'm excited about two things. Number one, it is once again a Tuesday.
00:01:41
Speaker
I know, I feel like I am slowly pulling myself a little bit more together with the flow of this podcast. Wonderful news for me and for you because hopefully we will be getting more consistent episodes, better production value, the whole
Significance of the Number 18 in Jewish Tradition
00:01:56
Speaker
nine. Maybe hand in hand with that, the second thing I am absolutely thrilled about today is that I have realized that this episode will be episode 18.
00:02:13
Speaker
Now, are you ready for our first tangent of the episode before I've even announced the topic? Of course. If you're wondering what in the world is going on with Jews in the number 18.
00:02:24
Speaker
whether you're Jewish or not. Listen, it's possible to be Jewish and have gone through your entire life without knowing what the number 18 is. Sometimes when we're part of a culture and we don't understand part of that culture, we just never mention it because it's like embarrassing or something. But if you've learned anything from being here with me at the Your Jewish Wedding podcast, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. So let's go. The number 18 is a big deal in Jewish tradition because
00:02:51
Speaker
Every letter in the Hebrew alphabet has a numerical value associated with it, okay? So in the English alphabet, A would be one, B would be two, C would be three. You get the picture. So in the Hebrew alphabet, those letters are actually used as numbers to number like Bible verses and stuff, okay? So the letters have had numbers for a long time.
00:03:17
Speaker
Now, I believe that the practice of trying to figure out the numerical value of entire words is maybe like a later development, maybe like a little Hebrew Jewish rabbi sudoku thing that the rabbis did for fun and to find extra ways to explain cool words and coincidences in the Torah portion and in values and stuff like that, anyhow.
00:03:40
Speaker
The Hebrew letter Khet has a numerical value of 8. And the Hebrew letter Yud has a numerical value of 10. The word Chai, which means life, is spelled Khet Yud, 8, 10. So 8 plus 10 is, of course, 18, right? Jews, for whatever reason, of all the words,
00:04:05
Speaker
that add up to all the numbers have taken this word Chai, adding up to 18, the most seriously. Now I am not throwing shade at other Jews because if you know me, you know that I consider myself a very Jupress dishes person.
00:04:21
Speaker
In fact, I do not charge any amounts that are not multiples of 18. Okay, so if you go on my website and look at my prices for my services, everything's multiple of 18. If I'm charging a couple for travel over 50 miles outside the Columbus, Ohio area,
00:04:40
Speaker
I calculate the mileage according to my fees and then I round down to the nearest multiple of 18. It's a very serious thing, right? Because if the Jewish people have treated this number 18 with so much importance for this long, who am I? Who am I to disregard how careful people have been about the number 18?
Understanding the Bedekin Tradition
00:05:03
Speaker
By the way,
00:05:04
Speaker
people know the importance of the number 18 to Jews in the fundraising space. So when it was time for the 2020 presidential election, for example, I would get pop-up windows in certain websites asking me to donate, of course. Now, based on my internet activity, all the campaigns know I'm Jewish. Wouldn't you know it? The donation choices
00:05:30
Speaker
were $36, $72, $180, right? All the multiples of 18, they knew. Maybe it was because I had already donated in multiples of 18. I don't know. But that's how you get Jews, honestly, to donate. If you are in a nonprofit space and you're trying to encourage Jewish donors to send you money, write in your letters multiples of 18.
00:05:54
Speaker
18 means life. When we want to give life to important things, we do it in multiples of 18, especially with money, okay? So the fact that this is episode number 18, I didn't plan it this way. I actually have a couple episodes recorded that will air after this episode records.
00:06:13
Speaker
This is a classic case of me completely forgetting to add a step in the traditional Jewish wedding day, so I've recorded a couple steps after this one. Anyway, today happens to be a Jewish wedding tradition that I have come to love and adore. We are talking about the bedekin. The bedekin is one of those things that is very old country. So if you are a couple,
00:06:40
Speaker
like my September 2023 couple, you know who you are, who is very into the whole old country thing. You know, her people came from, gosh, where did her people come from? Latvia? His people came from Hungary. Anything that they could do to connect to their ancestors' traditions from the old country, they were going to do it. So of course, they were like, of course we're going to do the Bedekin. Bedekin is a Germanic Yiddish word. Okay, so it's from a Germanic
00:07:09
Speaker
strain I guess of there's a better word for that linguists send me an email tell me how badly I'm doing it's from the Germanic arm I guess of the Yiddish language and you can tell it's Germanic because it sounds so much like an English word bedek like bedek the halls with boughs of hot
00:07:28
Speaker
Okay, it's Deck. Deck, the halls with boughs of holly, right? Is that right? I don't know. We have a Hanukkah party playlist. The only Christmas song we really listen to is, you guys can guess what it is, can't you? You already know. I don't have to say it. Of course it's all I want for Christmas is you.
00:07:47
Speaker
Okay, we have already gone off on so many tangents. Anyway, bedekin means to decorate or to adorn. And it's the moment in the ceremony or rather before the actual wedding ceremony where traditionally
00:08:08
Speaker
the groom lowers the veil over the bride's face. Okay, after the groom's tish and the bride's throne, which we talked about in the last episode, episode 17, the bride will accept the groom into her presence. That whole thing we talked about with the groom's guys marching him into the room where the bride has been sitting on her throne receiving guests and
00:08:32
Speaker
accepting blessings from people who are asking for her special blessing on her wedding day, the bedakin happens after that. The groom will give her one final look before the chubba, look right into her eyes, and confirm that she is the one. Yes, this is my bride. Now, I make a lot of jokes about this, but in all seriousness, the bedakin, so in old country Jewish tradition, is the OG first look.
00:09:00
Speaker
I'm old enough to remember when the American wedding tradition was that the bride and groom or the people getting married did not see one another at all, not for one second on their wedding day until one of them walked down the aisle to meet the other one of them. We're going back to my whole heteronormative disclaimer when I'm talking about wedding traditions in which are several decades in the past. I'm going to be talking about brides and grooms.
00:09:29
Speaker
It was the American wedding tradition. The groom waits at the end of the aisle. The bride's dad walks her in to the wedding ceremony space. He walks her down the aisle and as she's rounding the corner to walk down that aisle is when the groom sees her for the first time.
00:09:49
Speaker
all day, maybe all weekend. I don't know. But that was the big deal. That was the first look. Why? Because it's very emotional. It shows he's prepared. You can make an argument that he was ready to marry her no matter what she looked like on that day. I don't know. We can make an explanation for anything, right? But anyway, in the 1980s, 1990s,
00:10:14
Speaker
It really was the American tradition that they did not see each other at all on their wedding day until the ceremony itself. Wedding planners, if you've been in the business for a long time, please email me and let me know your Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com.
00:10:30
Speaker
When did this whole first look thing start? I've complained about
Evolution and Personalization of Bedekin
00:10:34
Speaker
first looks at least twice on this podcast. I do it. Listen, I do it all in good fun. Please understand. I'm just joking. But the first looks, we've got a lot of first looks now. The conception of the first look, when did that become popular?
00:10:48
Speaker
I really want to know, not enough to research it right now, but I do want to know. At any rate, I think that those of us who work in the wedding industry have this sense that it's kind of a new thing. Guess what? It's not a new thing. The Jews, the old country, like Germanic Jews, that was the OG first look, this bedecken that we are talking about today, okay?
00:11:08
Speaker
Now, there's a commonly known backstory among Jews and that, you know, rabbis will commonly bring out when we're talking about the Bedouin that it goes back all the way to the story of Jacob and Leah slash Rachel in the Bible. Okay. That slash is very important. You will hear why in a moment. So going back to the Bible days,
00:11:36
Speaker
I feel like it's been a few episodes since we have gone back to Bible days, so what a pleasure. There's a story in Genesis, which I've said before. If you're looking for big drama, wild reading, really juicy stuff, get your Bible or open it on your computer, read the book of Genesis. You will be shocked and scandalized, I promise. So there's a story of Jacob and Rachel. So Jacob, he was involved in some shady business. Let's just say that.
00:12:06
Speaker
he needed to change locations quickly from his home, from his place of birth, okay? So he traveled for several days, finally found a place, remember we're in the desert, finally found a place to get a drink of water.
00:12:23
Speaker
and chill, a little oasis, city situation, saw a young woman in the town square. I am talking about actual love at first sight. Something within Jacob shifted in that moment. You know, if you read the actual text, it says, when he saw Rachel, she was so beautiful and he fell so instantly in love with her.
00:12:49
Speaker
that the Hebrew text, I believe, this is my best recollection, says he raised his voice and wept with how astounded he was by seeing her. Love at first sight, nothing like it, right? We have no parallel. So anyway, he wants to marry Rachel and she seems like amenable. So he goes and what else? Talks to her dad. And her dad's like, yeah, sure, I mean, I've got another daughter.
00:13:16
Speaker
and you know back then girls were worthless anyway so he says sure no problem well they're preparing for the wedding feast and they're you know cooking all the food and inviting all the people and rajal's dad levon starts to feel some kind of way about this because it's not their custom to marry the younger daughter before the older daughter
00:13:39
Speaker
Rachel happens to be the younger daughter and her sister Leah is not married yet so her dad is like I really don't feel good about this I don't know if it was like a superstition thing or what it doesn't really tell us long story short he brings his daughter as a bride to Jacob it's at the beautiful wedding celebration
00:13:59
Speaker
and she's got a veil on. You know, it's the custom of their people. He can't see her face. They get married. He lifts the veil and it is not Rachel. I know. I told you it was scandalous. Who isn't? But her sister, Leah, who he did not love, he's all upset. He tells her dad, what is this nonsense? Now I've got this wife. I meant to marry her sister. I didn't really want to marry her. Her dad was like, chill out. Just work for me for seven years and I'll let you marry Rachel too. And that's what he did.
00:14:30
Speaker
So people helping with Jewish weddings will say this is the reason for the custom that we lower the veil over the bride's face. I mean, it's interesting that the story connects that way, but most likely we do the custom of lowering the veil over the bride's face because it was adopted from some other culture. I don't know.
00:14:49
Speaker
I don't really know, I couldn't find anything about the origins of the Bedakian, like in serious archeological research. This is one of those things that in Jewish tradition, we don't really know where or how it started, okay? But to a certain extent, it doesn't matter because we have given it so many explanations and attached so many stories to it and done the ritual and the custom over and over and over again, that just the fact that we have
00:15:17
Speaker
repeated it so often and told the story so often gives that ritual meaning. So traditionally, I read on a Chabad website, which I will link in the show notes, that the Chabad website, Chabad, by the way, is a movement of Orthodox Jews. So they keep Shabbat. They're very, very observant, observe all the laws to the best of their understanding.
00:15:42
Speaker
Orthodox Jews. And they begin to outreach too. It's a big focus of the Chabad movement that as many Jews as can be involved in Jewish life and observing commandments and observing a Jewish way of life, they should be encouraged to do that. So they have really cool websites with some great information.
00:16:00
Speaker
I will link the website in the show notes. So this website said that, according to some authorities, the bedekin was the same as standing under the chuppah originally. So it was like a mini chuppah, right? Imagine this veil, right? It's just a smaller cloth. It's just a little cloth that, you know, the groom would lower over the bride's face and it gave the same effect or the same vibe, I guess, as standing under the chuppah. I don't know. Maybe the couple couldn't afford a chuppah.
00:16:28
Speaker
even though it's a really simple structure. I'm not going to go there now. That's for the next episode. But the Chabad website didn't cite those sources. And if you guys have met me or talked with me about any of this stuff, you know that it's really important to me to try and find sources as much as possible. But again, we might not have a source for it. So moving on, the original thing that a groom would say in the old country during this ritual of meeting his bride and lowering her veil over her face
00:16:57
Speaker
is, which is a direct quote from Genesis chapter 24 verse 60. That means, our sister, may you be the mother of thousands of ten thousands of descendants is implied.
00:17:15
Speaker
This is actually the thing that Isaac said to Rebekah in the book of Genesis. That's a whole different drama that began the drama that we started with in this episode. Regardless, on the surface, this verse, may you be the mother of thousands of ten thousands.
00:17:32
Speaker
It feels a little reproduction obsessed creepy, right? Doesn't it? It's a little handmade stale. It's a little birth focused. And I think many of us, myself included, sort of looked at that verse and were like, I don't want to say that. Whatever. When I got married, I do think my husband said that to me. Actually, I think he only said it in Hebrew because I was like, please don't translate it. And that was like the compromise our rabbi made with us. Our rabbi was very old school, by the way. She was very like by the book, which, you know, fine.
00:18:02
Speaker
Anyway, that is traditional for that to be said and that to be said out loud. And a lot of people really want to preserve the tradition, right? We opened with saying this is an old country tradition, okay? So a lot of people really want to preserve the authenticity of that. And you know, if you follow me on Instagram, if you've gone to my website, my brand, the first thing that defines my brand is authentic. Who am I?
00:18:26
Speaker
to argue with the may you be the mother of thousands of ten thousands. If you're considering doing this ritual of the bedakken, or if you're assuming you will do this ritual of the bedakken, and that's what you want to say, zaikizet, enjoy yourselves. You know, suit yourself. It doesn't bother me, and I do kind of like the traditional nature of it, okay? But if you don't like the sound of this reading,
00:18:44
Speaker
That's fine. Okay. What are we here for? You all know by now, we are here to learn about the Jewish wedding traditions, the old country ones, the lesser known ones, and to see if it is possible that you might want to incorporate them in whole or in part into your wedding day. Great. Wonderful.
00:19:03
Speaker
So now that we've heard about the traditional ritual, the OG Jewish first look, even if you don't love the reading that goes along with it, the tradition that goes along with it, let's think about ways that you might be able or you might like to, or you might feel really moved to include this ritual in your own wedding ceremony. We will take a short break. And when we come back, we will do just that.
00:19:43
Speaker
Welcome back. I want to start this segment by letting you all know how couples, even in Orthodox spaces, have really picked up this ritual and made it contemporary in a really beautiful way. So it's pretty common
00:20:05
Speaker
for Jewish weddings, especially for Orthodox Jewish weddings, to assume that the couple will be doing this ritual. But you can imagine that anything that seems old school or weird or super old country or any of that to us is going to seem that way to contemporary Orthodox couples too, right? They live in the real world, it's modern, and
00:20:28
Speaker
They also have wedding Instagram and they also want their wedding ceremonies to be maximized, personalized, individualized, and sentimental. You know, they don't want a cookie cutter wedding. They want to feel like the incredible king and queen or queen and queen or king and king that they are on their day, just as much as any other American wedding couple, right?
00:20:52
Speaker
So I have seen in the past couple decades that this moment, the Bedekin, when the groom's party or when one of the parties first enters the space of the bride's party, of course it's the big singing, dancing thing. But when the groom reaches the bride or when the groom's party reaches the bride, time just sort of comes to a standstill. It kind of just stops. And
00:21:20
Speaker
things become serious and emotional. Now, I'm not sure of the exact order that people do this, but I know that couples have also taken this opportunity for any of the men who are close to the bride to offer her blessings. And so I believe that it would be her brothers perhaps, then her dad. So this would in fact be the last
00:21:44
Speaker
blessing that the bride's father would give her before she gets married. And we will talk about this much more in the next episode on the chippah and what it symbolizes. But on the wedding day, the idea is that in Jewish tradition, yes, obviously we are celebrating these two people loving each other and beginning a new life together. But the central idea, the central theme of the wedding day as a whole is these two people are building a home.
00:22:14
Speaker
It's really, they're really growing up in the most serious of ways. And so when the bride's father gives her a blessing right before the bedecken begins, it is the last blessing he will give her while she is part of his household, right? Because after today, she has her own household. So it can be very emotional. And I've seen lots of brides and their fathers, you know, getting teary over this fine.
00:22:39
Speaker
Brothers dads all the stuff as with any sort of drawn-out emotional moment what insert ding ding ding sound effect here Yes, the photographer loves it. So but now dad has given his blessing to the bride and This might be one thing that you would like to incorporate into your wedding day You might not want to make your dad a
00:23:02
Speaker
say his quote unquote goodbye to you at the ceremony for everyone to see. I know that there's been a trend in contemporary American weddings for the couples vows to win another to actually be private and not to be said aloud at the ceremony. This kind of goes along those same lines. If you know that your dad or your mom is going to be really emotional at that last time they speak to you when you are still part of their household,
00:23:30
Speaker
consider asking them, hey mom, hey dad, do you want a moment where you give me a blessing or read me something or whatever that doesn't have to be in front of the dozens or even hundreds of guests, you know, standing up at the chuppah?
00:23:46
Speaker
they might really jump at that chance and feel a lot better about it. I personally, I tend to be a more private person. I think that if I had that option to give my child a blessing before the chuppah, I might take it, you know, to just have that moment held for me.
00:24:01
Speaker
Anyway, so once we've gone through the brothers and the dad, all the parents, it comes time for traditionally the groom to approach the bride. But I guess if we're talking about this ritual, let's just talk about maybe the one who's wearing the veil. Maybe veils won't even be involved. But when the couple approaches one another,
00:24:25
Speaker
in this moment of Bedekin. It's the final checkpoint, right? Going back to that Bible story, but I do think that there is, there can be a very sweet interpretation of this whole thing of like, oh, just check in to make sure you're the right one. Especially if, if there's like a twin situation or siblings look really close to one another, you know, we might have jokes about like, are you sure this is the right sister or whatever. But
00:24:55
Speaker
I do think that there is a sweet, meaningful, actually, and very moving moment that we can have here. And that is actually what I have seen, you know, Orthodox couples doing. It's not just a ritual. It's not just a check off the checklist done. It's not like that because I have seen this evolution of the Bedekin ceremony where the groom approaches the bride,
00:25:21
Speaker
And he sees her, and as I mentioned in the last episode, there is in Orthodox or more traditional communities, a custom of the couple not seeing one another for days before their wedding date. Yes, of course, there is that emotion of the actual first look.
00:25:39
Speaker
Your person is there looking incredible, waiting for you. And in the Orthodox and traditional weddings that I've seen this being reinvented, the groom approaches the bride, she's on the throne. She looks, of course, flawless. And he is overcome with emotion and he approaches her. And maybe I'm reading too much into this, but in some of the cases, it seems like it is all he can do to not kneel down in front of her.
00:26:08
Speaker
and really have an emotional moment like Jacob had when he first saw Rachel. This is a chance not to check whether she's the right girl. You know, not like women are interchangeable like chattel, okay? We're not. That has not been the vibe of this.
00:26:24
Speaker
probably ever, but if it ever was, not for a long time. We say it in a jokey jokey manner, but I want to pause and say that even the jokes we make, they're funny because someone at some point found some kernel of truth in them, right? And when we make the jokes about, oh, we've got to make sure this is the right woman, there's this sort of undercurrent understanding of the end of the joke being because they're all the same, aren't they? Now, we don't want that.
00:26:53
Speaker
Do we? I don't think any of us wants that at our wedding. Not anyone from any level of Jewish observance, okay? What it is now is looking into that person's eyes and saying and feeling that feeling that happens when you see him or her waiting for you and saying, yep, this is the one. This is it.
00:27:17
Speaker
I'm looking into the eyes of the person that I want to see face to face every day for God willing, the rest of my life. This is it. And I think that that is a truly beautiful thing to sort of want to build space for in your wedding day. Okay. So let's say that you don't like this traditionally red verse of may you be the mother of thousands of 10,000, right? Women are more than chattel. Obviously we're more than our reproductive organs.
00:27:47
Speaker
So a lot of couples are like instantly, yes, definitely. Let's make this more egalitarian. Let's make it less about children. So you can do that. You can achieve that in many, many, many different ways. Okay. First of all, the male does not have to be the only one who says something.
00:28:05
Speaker
Right? Both bride and groom, both groom and groom, or both bride and bride should ideally, I guess, be overcome by this emotion of, I'm looking into the face of my person, the one person in the whole world. Right? So first thing you can do is make it more egalitarian by each picking something to say. So each of you gets something to say, or you say something together. You can keep it traditional by just pick something from the Bible.
00:28:33
Speaker
Right? There are lots of verses in the Bible. One we've used in some of my weddings is a verse from Song of Songs, which is the original biblical love poem. It's absolutely stunning. And there is a verse that says, I have found the one who my soul loves.
00:28:52
Speaker
How beautiful. And I think it really captures that feeling of, yep, you're it, I found you. And right now we are going to go to the chuppah and make sure that neither of us ever lets go. If you don't like Song of Songs, for whatever reason, okay, you can find other traditional texts. There are plenty out there, right? There's even one that comes from the Baal Shem Tov who was
00:29:19
Speaker
an early modern Jewish, no scholar, inspirational leader. And there's this quote that a lot of people love to use at weddings that says this, when to stop, go back, delete from, that says this. That says this.
00:29:34
Speaker
From every human being, there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven. And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.
00:29:50
Speaker
absolutely beautiful. Now a little background on the Balashamed Tove, his main teaching vibe was that there's a little bit of God in every single person. So when we have moments of extreme emotion or really ground shifting moments, for example, our wedding day,
00:30:08
Speaker
That is when we are most in connection with that little piece of God in each of us. And so, you know, on our wedding day, when we do this ritual of Bedekin and we look into one another's eyes and confirm that it's sort of like, I don't know, what was it, Power Rangers? They had to combine all their powers together. And then, you know, they were stronger.
00:30:29
Speaker
Is that Power Rangers? I think it was. You guys let me know. I have a very poor memory for like Saturday morning cartoons from my childhood, except for X-Men. I love the X-Men. Anyway, side note, if you are looking for some readings from your wedding and you are an interfaith couple,
00:30:48
Speaker
Or you are a couple who wants to include a unity candle ritual, which was used by both religious and non-religious couples in decades past. And so if that's something that you want to continue from maybe carrying over from your parents' wedding, for example, and you need a reading for that unity candle moment, because when you're lighting the unity candle, especially if the lighter's not working or something, it can be actually more difficult than people realize to light a candle.
00:31:18
Speaker
Seriously, if you know, you know, right? But if you're looking for a reading to fill that little moment, this is a great one from the Bile Shame Toef that I just quoted, which I will link in the show notes, to sort of fill that space and also to give somebody an opportunity to do a reading. If you don't have anybody in your life that you want to trust with a reading, it's fine. You're efficient. You can do it. But I know it's a tangent, but this is a great way to make the unity candle ritual like a little more Jewy. So just keep that in your back pocket. Okay. Tangent.
00:31:47
Speaker
You might say, okay, Rabbi Land, we get it. There's lots of biblical readings. There's lots of traditional poems and stuff like that that are Jewy that we can read, but it still doesn't change the fact that we've got traditionally this heteronormative thing of the groom lowering the veil over the bride's face. Fine. Let's make it more egalitarian, especially if you are a
00:32:10
Speaker
male, female couple. Let's really strive to show that you're egalitarian. Let's have the bride put something on the groom's head as well. So this is the point at which a lot of brides will put a kippah, a yarmulke on their groom's head. So it's, she's getting her veil. He's getting his yarmulke. They're both considered to some degree like
00:32:32
Speaker
holy or Jewish signaling objects, it shows that they're prepared for the chuppah, great, easy peasy. Sometimes a groom will wear what's called a kittle, which is like a white, it's like shirt material, but it's kind of like a cardigan with a belt, but it's like a white shirt material. It goes over his suit and it is also used on Yom Kippur, same color, because white is a symbol of purity.
00:32:58
Speaker
And we've already talked about how there are parallels between wedding day and Yom Kippur, the bride and groomer closer to God. They want to make sure that they're super holy. So it is an option also for the bride to put the groom's kittle on him.
00:33:13
Speaker
Okay. So it does not have to be just the groom lowering the veil over the bride. If that's something that feels really misogynistic to you, listen, I get it, right? Because at the end of the day, it's not just about the symbolism that's involved. It's also about how it makes you feel. You don't want to be doing any rituals that regardless of what they mean or regardless of how often Rabbi Leanne or whoever Rabbi or whatever podcast has explained that, oh, that's not really the meaning. If it feels gross to you,
00:33:43
Speaker
You're not going to want to do it. And I don't want you to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, especially not on your wedding day.
Rituals in Wedding Ceremony: Ketubah and Bedekin
00:33:53
Speaker
So, you know, obviously that's what's most important to me. If the groom lowering the veil over the bride's face feels like patriarchal or condescending or patronizing in any way and you don't like it, then don't do it. You can actually do this ritual without a veil or without a kippah or without putting anything on anybody.
00:34:18
Speaker
Okay? It's not that important. What's most important, I think, and what really touches couples the most is that look, that moment. It is the OG first look, and it is really Jewish. Okay? So those are both reasons that you might want to incorporate it.
00:34:34
Speaker
So there are other choices for saying stuff though, okay? You don't have to say a Bible verse. And I have seen in these contemporary Orthodox and traditional weddings, the groom will say, that verse, may you be the mother of myriads, whatever. But then he leans in and says something in the bride's ear, something very quiet that's just between the two of them. And often you will see her become very visibly, obviously moved.
00:35:01
Speaker
by whatever he's saying to her, it's just like private vows. And I think it's really cool that there is that moment built in that with all the hustle and bustle and all the joyousness and all of everything, the bride and the groom, the people getting married are taking that moment to start to build the space where they are the only two people in the world.
00:35:24
Speaker
So there are other choices for things you can say. You don't have to say a Bible verse. You don't have to quote the Baal Shem Tov or any rabbi or whoever. You can find a song lyric that you love, a poem that you love, quotes from your favorite movie. You can do a personal beduckin. You can also choose this to be something a little shtick that the rabbi does with you.
00:35:48
Speaker
You know, I'm happy when I'm officiating a wedding and the couple says, yeah, you know, we'd like to do a beduckin. Depending on the vibe in the room, I can, you know, I can make jokes. You can make it a little jokey without being misogynistic, right? Like you could say, you're just checking one more time. Just want to confirm in front of all these people, this is the person, right? This is it. And, you know, people laugh or they chuckle and they're like, yep, yep.
00:36:14
Speaker
This is it. Sometimes they get emotional and the little joke is a way to help them recover from being, you know, for clamped from being a little overwhelmed. And that's wonderful. And once again, anytime you have a little bit of jokiness or a little bit of awkwardness, who loves it? That's right. The photographer loves it because that is when the absolute sweetest looks happen between people. When they're both feeling a little awkward or they're both feeling a little,
00:36:42
Speaker
Oh man, this is something I'm not familiar with. That is when you see, in all seriousness, that is when you see couples leaning on each other, looking to one another for that anchor of support in the room. And that's really what the bedeckin is, isn't it? We're going to take another short break. And when we come back, we will talk about where to put the bedeckin on your wedding day and why I think you definitely do want to include a bedeckin or really, really valid reasons why you might not want to.
00:37:12
Speaker
when we get back. Okay, welcome back everyone. I just had to do like a little
00:37:29
Speaker
game of the floor is lava, except the floor is not lava. The floor is Gaston, my giant Labrador, Newfoundland mix, who is literally always at my feet. If you follow my Instagram and you see my stories when I post some of my early morning walks, sometimes he is the dog that you usually see. I walk him first. Um, there's two other ones, but he's the one who's always with me and I almost did a nosedive into the microphone here. Thankfully I didn't try to step over him, but that's okay. I'm grateful for his company and I love him very much. Okay.
00:37:59
Speaker
So, this all sounds fine, Rabbi Leanne. We're gonna do the bedekin, but where should we put it in the ceremony? Now, the Ketubah ceremony, traditionally, that comes before the bedekin. Why? Because the Ketubah is classically, legally, a legal contract, right? It's just the stuff the bride and groom are bringing. It's been agreed to beforehand. And also, traditionally, what?
00:38:28
Speaker
The bride does not even sign the Ketubah. So in a traditional Jewish order of events for a Jewish wedding, it's Ketubah, Bedekin, Chuppah. But you might be saying Rabbi Lian, that doesn't make any sense. And you would be right.
00:38:51
Speaker
Why? Because shouldn't, if you're both signing the Kachuba, shouldn't you confirm that it's the right person that you're signing the Kachuba about before you sign it? Yes, absolutely. That would be, that would make sense. It would make sense that you would do the Bedekin before the Kachuba. The problem that I see with that, that I find with that is the mood. So when we start with the Kachuba, we are starting from the legal arrangements.
00:39:19
Speaker
right, the documentation, the signing that we are doing as part of this ceremony. It is the driest, probably least personal part of your ceremony, you know, traditionally, maybe not in actuality. And the bedeckin, if we do it, the lowering of the veil can be really, really emotional. So there's this sense of moving from like the less emotional to the more emotional, and then of course the most emotional, which would be the chuppah, the most spiritual, the most focused.
00:39:46
Speaker
You know, additionally, if you are a contemporary couple and you've got at least one bride or even two brides, and imagine you've got these two brides and they're lowering veils over each other's faces. Now they're going to sign a Kachuba with the veils over their faces. I don't know. It's totally possible that you could do a little workaround and lower the veil and then on lower the veil and you know, the whole rigmarole and that would be totally fine. Okay.
00:40:10
Speaker
So I think it makes sense either way. However, I do think that unless you really intentionally make the kachuba ceremony like a very emotional connectivity focused thing, it's more of like that family celebration vibe when contemporary liberal couples sign the kachuba. So that's why I think in more liberal circles or with reform or conservative weddings, the flow has really changed too.
00:40:39
Speaker
Catuba first, both of them sign. Then we do the last check. Is this your person? Yes, this is the person. Yes, this is the person that I am saying our favorite song lyrics to. You know, I had a couple.
00:40:55
Speaker
Earlier this year, oh gosh, almost a whole year ago now. You guys know who you are. There was an Adele song lyric that they said to one another. I wasn't ready then, but I'm ready now. It was, she was like crying her mascara off already. It was so sweet. And he was very emotional too, actually. Now that I remember it, he was really nervous, but he was actually choked up as well. Very sweet. You're looking into their eyes. You're saying this thing. Then you're going to go sign a katuba.
00:41:24
Speaker
I don't think so. I don't think it fits with the vibe, okay? So, you know, in a more contemporary, in a more liberal ceremony, the couple sign in the katuba. They're waiting for their witnesses to do it. They're giving their last hugs to the witnesses. Thank you for being here. Thank you for doing this. Maybe people are having champagne after the katuba goes into its frame, right? We want her to be safe and sound. Then they do the bedekin, okay?
00:41:51
Speaker
However, you do what you want, obviously. If I talk to a couple, like if you call me, and either I'm helping you plan your ceremony, or I'm officiating your ceremony, and you're like, Rabbi, we just want bedak in first, then ketubah, then chubah, fine, we'll make it happen. It doesn't matter, okay? But I do think that it's best to have ketubah, then bedak, and then chubah. In my experience, maybe you proved me wrong. You know, listen, we're flexible.
00:42:18
Speaker
Okay. Now, for the final part of our podcast, let's talk about the arguments that I've heard against doing bedeckin. And we'll talk about them. Okay. We mentioned this a little bit before, but some people feel like they get this feeling from it. Like there's an emphasis on modesty, right? Because what we are doing is covering up traditionally the bride's face.
00:42:40
Speaker
And that's something, you know, it feels a little bit like The Little Mermaid. We're just gonna take your voice. You just have to be in disguise. Guys, there's a Disney movie where the princess is in disguise the whole time. What is it? I mean, it's not Mulan. That's, I mean, she is in disguise the whole time, but that's a whole other can of worms right there because she's in disguise as a guy. And then that's a whole other wonderful, interesting conversation. Hmm. You have to hide yourself in order to be attractive.
00:43:08
Speaker
What's the Disney movie like that? Anyway, The Little Mermaid, they took her voice. And that was the only way that she could interact with the prince. Ugh, I still don't like it. If you're a fan of The Little Mermaid, you know more power to you. Enjoy yourself. And I hope you liked the live action. I saw the actress. She was very sweet. The actor I didn't like so much. And Ursula is one of my favorite Disney villains.
00:43:32
Speaker
The fact remains that Ariel's entire voice got taken away. And that is when she was attractive to Prince. Come on. Come on. I can't with that. All right. Another tangent. OK, so we don't want that emphasis on modesty being important.
00:43:49
Speaker
that she remains covered up she remains something special only for him to see okay according to this heteronormative sense of lowering the veil over your future wife okay i get it alright we definitely don't want that sort of reproductive emphasis that we talked about especially guys if there is you know infertility in your family or
00:44:13
Speaker
You are concerned about that for yourself. You know, we don't want to put that emphasis on, may you have lots and lots of children, like, gross, right? So, I hear that a lot. And to that I say, listen, if you want to find a way to do the bedecken that doesn't give that yucky feeling of purity or whatever, you could just not involve the veil, okay?
00:44:36
Speaker
Whatever. A lot of brides don't even use a veil. I don't know. It could be an opportunity for the couple to give one another gifts, to present one another with that last thing they're going to wear before they go and wear it under the chuppah together. I don't know. Why not? The veil is just something you wear, right? So if that's your biggest resistance, like, oh, you know, Rabbi, I really like the idea of looking into my
00:44:59
Speaker
beloved's eyes and saying to him or her how important and profound this moment is for me, but I don't really like the veil thing. Then ditch the veil. You guys knew I was going to say it. You don't like part of a ritual. We'll just get rid of that part. It's okay. All right. Another argument I hear is that it is awkward. Like it's unfamiliar. Nobody at your wedding has ever seen this happen. You've never seen it happen. It was never something you imagined as part of your wedding day. And you're, it's too much of a fuss and you're just not going to do it.
00:45:29
Speaker
Fine. We don't have to do it.
00:45:31
Speaker
you know, if it doesn't speak to you or it's not that important or whatever, listen, you're just crunched for time, then don't do it. It's really okay. This is just a custom. It's not a religious requirement at all. Okay. Or, you know, I guess on the flip side, if you feel like it's too private, like it's too intense for people to see, right? Because we talked about it, like it's part or it's reminiscent of the private vows or even the private letter that a bride and groom might write to one another for them to read privately. And you're like,
00:46:00
Speaker
You know, I'll do respect. I understand that it's a Jewish tradition for us to do that in front of everybody, but that's just not our style. We don't like to do that kind of private thing and try and make each other cry in front of everyone. Rabbi, that's why we're doing the traditional vows at the wedding instead of ones we wrote ourselves because we don't want to have like those emotions on display for everyone. Okay, then don't. And in fact, I'm really glad that you are recognizing that, you know, some things we want to keep private between the two of us. I think that's really healthy.
00:46:27
Speaker
and really wonderful. And I hope you know that whatever your reason for doing or not doing any of this stuff, I'm not going to argue with you. I'm not going to judge you. I'm not going to try and like cajole you into doing more Jewish stuff because who cares? You know, we've talked about the reason that I love officiating Jewish weddings. It's not so that I can plan as many bedecken rituals as possible, right? It's not that.
00:46:52
Speaker
It's about the two of you and the home you're building and the legacy that you are carrying on of the Jewish people and your pride in Jewish culture and your respect for Jewish tradition. There are so many traditions on a Jewish wedding day that if you call me
00:47:08
Speaker
to help you plan your Jewish wedding or to officiate your Jewish wedding and you do one of those traditions, okay? I'll be thrilled. I'm not going to argue with you. I just want to give you the opportunity because if you listen to the Jewish wedding story episode of SD and Ira's wedding, I will link it in the show notes, she said a few times, listen, I'm only planning to do this once.
00:47:34
Speaker
she didn't want to miss an opportunity to do something that she might have regretted not doing later. So that's really the spirit with which I come to this conversation about pushing back like, oh, you don't like this, but consider that, okay?
Integrating Cultural Traditions in Weddings
00:47:47
Speaker
I mean, the last thing that a lot of people tell me is like, well, we would think about doing that, but we're not wearing veils or I'm not wearing a veil, depending on if you have one bride or two, obviously.
00:47:58
Speaker
But that's okay. You know, like I said, you can incorporate other stuff. You can give each other a gift. You can incorporate maybe even family heirlooms at that time. If there's a family heirloom that you want to exchange or that you want to officially integrate as part of your Jewish household, but you don't want to do it under the chuppah for whatever reason, or we couldn't find a good place to put it under the chuppah, we can make this a moment of I'm declaring that you are the person that I am proud
00:48:26
Speaker
to bring into my personal family's traditions and to build a new household of traditions with you. I'm looking at you. Yep, you're the one. And here's the kiddish cup that we're going to use at every holiday. I don't know. I don't know.
00:48:41
Speaker
Or here's the ring that I'm about to give you under the chuppah, and it was my mom's ring, or whatever it was. Like Esti said that she used Ira's family's rings that they had used only for the Jewish ceremony, which is a very actually old country thing as well, that they had designated rings for the ceremony, but not for their everyday wear. Fine.
00:49:00
Speaker
You know, we can really brainstorm ways to make this into your very own version of the traditional Bedekin ceremony, okay? And we'll just finish up. We're going to finish strong, y'all, with reasons that you might really be moved to have a Bedekin.
00:49:17
Speaker
Maybe you didn't even know about a bedekin before you heard this episode or maybe you'd read about it and been like, eh, that seems weird. I'm not doing it. But now you're sort of like turning the corner. Okay. So here are my last ditch things that I want you to think about before, you know, you absolutely say no or before you table the bedekin. Okay. If you are looking for a way to not have people walk you down the aisle, okay, this is a very non-traditional consideration.
00:49:42
Speaker
We will touch on this in another episode, I believe in the next episode. Maybe not, don't quote me on that. But the processional down to the chuppah. Whether you're going by the standard American tradition or by the Jewish tradition, you're going to have someone walking you down that aisle. Maybe just the bride, maybe the bride and groom or obviously the bride and bride and the groom and groom.
00:50:03
Speaker
traditional to have people walking them down the aisle. If you don't want that, if you and your beloved want to walk down the aisle together for egalitarian reasons or for personal reasons or whatever it is, but you still want to honor a parent or an adult that was really significant in your life, but maybe you don't want to do it in front of everybody.
00:50:25
Speaker
Or if you have mom and dad at the wedding, but your stepmom or stepdad was really important in your life and you want to give that person a moment, you can pull from the contemporary Orthodox traditional custom of letting dad come in and give his final blessing to his daughter at that time. Transfer that to any of your parents, to either of you.
00:50:50
Speaker
right, whether you're two grooms and both sets of parents or parents and step parents or parents and grandparents want to have that moment of quote unquote, giving you away, right? Passing you off into that phase where you are having your own official household, right? You're no longer part of their household. And maybe for your parents, that moment would have been quote unquote, giving you away during the walk down the aisle. But for whatever reason, you don't like that. Use this Bidekin moment as a chance for them to do that, okay?
00:51:20
Speaker
So sign your katuba, have your rabbi or officiant do a shtick about this whole creating a new household thing. Now the stepparents are going to give their final blessing, whatever, in this small space right after the katuba ceremony, okay?
00:51:36
Speaker
By the way, I learned that in Sephardic ceremonies, or in Sephardic tradition communities, the Bedekin ceremony takes place in the aisle itself. I did find a source for this and I think I put it in the show notes. So if I don't, you know, email me at your Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com and yell at me and I'll find the source for you. So the way it works is this, in a traditional Sephardic Jewish wedding ceremony, the groom walks to the chuppah with his parents,
00:52:03
Speaker
waits there. The bride starts at the end of the aisle with both of her parents. Her parents walk her halfway down the aisle. Once they leave her side, the groom walks halfway down the aisle to meet her and that is the point at which he does the lowering of the veil, the saying something special to her. It really is
00:52:26
Speaker
combo i guess of a traditional american first look which is he sees her for the first time when she's coming down the aisle and this og sort of jewish first look where he's seeing her and confirming like yep you're the one and she's looking into his eyes and saying yep you're the one this is it for both of us.
00:52:42
Speaker
and then pulling that veil over her face, that actually does happen halfway down the aisle in a very traditional Sephardic wedding ceremony. Oh, side note, if you don't know what Sephardic is, the Sephardic tradition comes from the portion of
00:52:59
Speaker
Jewish exile, which was in the more southern and southeastern European communities, as well as Middle Eastern communities and African communities. So we're talking about from Spain all the way through like Iran.
00:53:19
Speaker
like the Jewish communities who were in exile from the land of Israel in those places, that is what we commonly refer to as Sephardic. And as you can imagine, they developed very different customs, not just for weddings, but for pretty much all of Jewish life than the Jews in exile in like
00:53:34
Speaker
the European communities did. So when we talk about Sephardic, we're just talking about Jews in different parts of the world as they went through life, separated from other Jews in the world. They developed their own customs, whether that was part of just community practice and it became something very important to them, or whether it was something they picked up from surrounding communities.
00:53:56
Speaker
So that is the Sephardic wedding tradition around the Bedekin. It's not in the bride's throne before the ceremony, but it is actually probably the very first thing that happens in the ceremony at the end of the processional. Okay. Oh, yes. I found my citation. That comes from the Smashing the Glass blog. Karen's blog. I love Karen, guys.
00:54:20
Speaker
Oh, go give Karen a follow. Smashing the glass. And she also runs Smashing Life. She's wonderful. If you're looking for any inspiration on any aspect of any Jewish wedding or any Jewish interfaith wedding, she has a veritable archive of stuff at Smashing
Supporting Jewish Traditions and Community
00:54:35
Speaker
the Glass. Okay. That's a site. Okay. Okay. Just like many other Jewish wedding traditions, this also, this whole Bedekin thing has
00:54:45
Speaker
sort of a crossover into another culture. Of course it does, because all these rituals have come about to communicate the emotions that pretty much universally occur when we're celebrating the marriage of two people.
00:55:05
Speaker
I learned that in a traditional Chinese wedding ceremony, the couple serves both sets of parents tea before the wedding ceremony. And that is to show the transition of the children from their parents' households into their own brand new household, I think. If you are Chinese or if you're familiar with Chinese wedding customs, and I'm wrong,
00:55:27
Speaker
please send me an email, yourjewishweddingpodcastatgmail.com and tell me, please. But I do think that if you are planning to do the tea ceremony as part of your wedding ceremony, like if you're a Chinese Jewish couple, then it would be really easy to attach a sort of bedecken ceremony to this, either right before it or right after it, okay? So think of it as something that will allow you to transition and incorporate
00:55:52
Speaker
elements from other cultures also, like pre-ceremony elements, especially as that sort of first look slash last look of a moment between the two of you or transitioning from your parents' household. Okay. And, you know, lastly, just a logistical point because we did talk about in the Kachuba ceremony, how I want you to reserve at least 20 minutes, but hopefully 30 minutes for your Kachuba ceremony and your wedding planner also wants you to do that.
00:56:18
Speaker
it seems like a lot of time. And if everything is running on time or close to on time or perfectly, you will have some dead air around your katuba ceremony. Okay. So this bedekin moment that your rabbi can orchestrate or you're officiant or Hey, maybe if you have like uncle Johnny officiating your wedding, but you closely considered cousin Linda to officiate your wedding and you want to give her something to do,
00:56:46
Speaker
you can have her orchestrate the whole Catuba ceremony and Bedekin ceremony, and it will give her a chance to do something. Maybe you don't want cousin Linda to speak in front of hundreds of people, but maybe she can speak in front of a couple dozen people that she knows really well. It gives somebody a chance to do that, and it just adds some filler for your Catuba ceremony. And by the way, this Bedekin ceremony, I said it's not a big deal, and it's not, you can totally omit it if you want, and it's really not a big deal to incorporate, which means,
00:57:17
Speaker
that you could put it in as a maybe and just make the decision on the fly. If it doesn't matter that much to either of you, but maybe one of you is really dreading having a moment of silence or like some dead air or bored guests, God forbid, and you just want something in your back pocket that seems like it was planned and that fills that gap, then, you know, you can do it. And I'm going to say it for the third time in this episode, the bedecken is a moment that what photographers love.
00:57:51
Speaker
So, you know, you are paying your photographer plenty. You should make him or her happy, right? Now, I just want to put here at the end that I know that I've been talking a lot about this tradition. It is traditionally a very heteronormative thing. I've mentioned
00:58:11
Speaker
brides and grooms a lot but guys this is one of those rituals that is so easy to adapt i mean it's it's not even difficult to adapt for same-sex couples okay so don't worry i've got you and i love you remember i love you same-sex couples if you are a same-sex couple and you're planning a jewish wedding
00:58:29
Speaker
please call me. I want to at least come. Can you just like invite me to the ceremony? That would make me happy. Anyway, there are a couple of resources that do offer pre-fabricated reimaginings, reconstructions of these very traditionally heteronormative wedding rituals in general for same-sex couples. Okay, so the first one is ritualwell.org. That is a project of the Reconstructionist movement, which is the movement that I was ordained through.
00:59:00
Speaker
So I really like it. Ritual Well is like, rabbis and people who have written new rituals, like they do a write up of them and then they submit them and then they
00:59:09
Speaker
the person who runs the site like categorizes them and you can click and find, listen, anybody who submitted a ritual to ritual well, if you have written a really hippy-dippy, weird, out there ritual, congratulations. And you know full well that some of them can be really weird, okay? So you won't be offended that I'm explaining to people on this podcast that they might encounter some stuff that makes them
00:59:35
Speaker
feel a little weird or feel like it's a little too much, that's okay. So you just will have to sift through it. But if the Reconstructionist movement is too liberal and too out there for you and you don't like all the stuff that it allows people to post on their ritual webpage, don't worry because I found, and I was so thrilled, but I did find a website. It is, this is incredible, an analysis and exploration
01:00:01
Speaker
of how to transfer traditional Jewish wedding rituals, which are traditionally heteronormative, into wedding rituals for same-sex couples, and here's the kicker, through a halakhic traditional lens. So it's a bunch of rabbis, and probably a few other people, who looked at all the Jewish laws and all the Jewish customs about weddings and said to themselves, how can we transfer this
01:00:29
Speaker
to a same-sex Jewish wedding, keeping the vibe, keeping the intention, and sticking as close to the original or the traditional or the Jewish legal custom as humanly possible. The website is kolsason, that's K-O-S-A-N-E.
01:00:50
Speaker
L-S-A-S-S-O-N. I'm going to link it in the show notes. What is it? Kolsasone what? .org? Let's find out. Kolsasone.com? Oh no. Oops. That is the University of Maryland's premier Jewish acapella group. Okay. Okay. I'm going to find it for you live here on the podcast.
01:01:12
Speaker
colsasson.net. K-O-L-S-A-S-S-O-N.net. Colsasson, a guide to Holacic same-sex weddings. It's a beautiful site, and I think you will love it, especially if you're a real nerd about
01:01:28
Speaker
Jewish wedding stuff like I am. And oh my gosh, if you go to the site right now, you will click on it and see two beautiful prides. Oh, they have just obviously completed half of a Bedekin ritual because one of the brides has a veil over her face and the other one does not. How sweet. Oh, go to that website. All right, I love it. If it's not, see, I get a little schmaltzy. I get a little emotional over this stuff. I think it's so, so cool.
01:01:53
Speaker
You know, they're such old rituals and same-sex weddings are such a new thing. And I really think that it's such a beautiful expression of what it means to be Jewish and what it means to be a contemporary Jew. That we want so much for our same-sex couples to feel loved and embraced and welcomed and included
01:02:16
Speaker
that we haven't said to them, let's come up with entirely new and separate rituals for you. No, we've said you are part of the Jewish chain of tradition that stretches back centuries. Why should you not celebrate your wedding in the same way if you want to? And I think that's beautiful, you know, in like a rabbi, intellectual-ish, schmaltzy kind of way.
01:02:42
Speaker
I just really love that. Okay, so we've come to the end of my notes on Bedekin. Now I told you, I don't think I actually told you this, but I thought it was going to be a short podcast. In fact, it looks like it's going to be around an hour, just like the other ones. And you know what? That's fine because you know what you were getting into when you started up this episode. And after all,
01:03:01
Speaker
We're not sitting together and having coffee as much as it feels like we are. And it really does. I want to tell you guys, it feels to me like I'm sitting down and having a chat with a friend, a couple other Jews, people who I've just met. I want to get to know better or maybe people I've known for a while and they were like, Hey, can you tell me about this part of a Jewish wedding? And we're just chatting and having coffee.
01:03:22
Speaker
But as much as it feels like that in terms of the mood and how smiley and animated I get when I'm recording, we're not actually having coffee together. And you can pause any time. And that's one of the reasons I don't really feel bad about these long episodes. And you know, maybe one of you out there is the person who likes to hear me ramble about old country Jewish wedding customs for over an hour. And if that's you,
01:03:50
Speaker
I think that you are such a gem, and I really appreciate you being here. Not more than anybody else, but just in a different way, okay? It's so wonderful to spend this time with you. I've loved every second of it, and as always, if you have any comments, you want to correct me. You want to argue with me about something. Guys, that's the Jewish way, and I want to hear every single one of your comments. I love hearing from each and every one of you, okay?
01:04:18
Speaker
So you can email me, you can find me at yourjewishweddingpodcastatgmail.com, yourjewishweddingpodcast on Instagram. Me as a rabbi is your Ohio rabbi on Instagram. Listen, I love to hear from you. Almost as much as hearing from you, I love your ratings, your reviews.
01:04:38
Speaker
Listen, I'm not trying to make money off of this podcast, okay? I've said it before, but the thing is that when you leave a review or when you leave a rating on iTunes or a Spotify or wherever you're listening to me, wherever my voice is piping into your ears right now, when you leave that rating, when you write that little review, it could just be like a line, but it helps other people find the podcast.
01:05:00
Speaker
And if you're planning a Jewish wedding and you have listened to an episode and you feel a little less lost now than you did before, or if you're learning something new about Jewish weddings and you really appreciate it, or for whatever reason, you might like the podcast and you leave me a kind review. It helps the other person in the world who is trying
01:05:20
Speaker
to feel a little less lost about a Jewish wedding or who's really interested in learning about stuff. It helps that person find my podcast. And so it's not really helping me. It's really helping the other person out there. And if this podcast is not about connecting to one another, if it's not about helping one another navigate something that's maybe not familiar to all of us and to make connections amongst ourselves,
01:05:45
Speaker
to support one another. Guys, especially as members of the Jewish community, which you most likely are, if you're listening to this podcast, whether you're a Jew, whether you're marrying into a Jewish family, and so becoming Jewish or Jewish adjacent yourself, you know, Koli Israel, Aravim Zebeset. It's an idea that is a really enduring Jewish concept, which is that as Jews, it means all Jews are responsible for one another, but
01:06:11
Speaker
It comes from this idea that or this knowledge that we know that there aren't very many of us in the world and you know, what do you need to do when you're the underdog? You got to stick together and you got to support each other. So even if you planned your Jewish wedding two years ago and
01:06:27
Speaker
you just sort of rolled across this and listened to it for fun or for something to put in your ears while you were walking the dog. But you think that there is another person getting married in the near future who might benefit from it? Take a few seconds. This is a long way of saying, you know, don't hesitate to leave that rating, to leave that review, because it probably will help another member of the Jewish community. And if we are not here for that, what are we here for anyway? All right, that's it for this week. I will see you in the next episode, which I believe is about the Chippah.
01:06:57
Speaker
Take care, everyone. Well, everyone, I have had the best time being your rabbi for this episode. I'm so glad you joined me for another little bit of insight into planning your perfect Jewish or interfaith wedding. Until you can smash that glass on your big day, you might as well smash that subscribe button for this podcast. I don't want you to miss a single thing.
01:07:20
Speaker
Remember, you can always find me, Rabbi Lian, on Instagram, at, at, Your Ohio Rabbi. All one word for even more tips, tricks, recommendations, and wisdom on Jewish weddings.
01:07:37
Speaker
If you want to work with me on your wedding, you'll find all the info you need at YourOhioRabbi.com. Until next time, remember, you deserve the perfect wedding for you. Don't settle for anything less.