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A Jewish Wedding Story - Estee & Ira
48 Plays1 year ago
Hear all about Estee and Ira's glitz-and-glam February 2022 wedding, featuring a mirrored gold chuppah, some reluctant circling, and a hilarious clergy team.
Estee hosts the Bridetender Podcast, where you can hear all about the wedding industry straight from the vendors, and take advantage of all Estee's incredible wedding knowledge she's gained as a luxury planner with years in the biz. Tune in here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-bridetender/id1508058489
Feast your eyes on the stunning photos of Estee and Ira's wedding here on IG https://www.instagram.com/reel/CoUmT6dOQ1b/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
, where you should also FOLLOW HER! https://www.instagram.com/thebridetender/
Don't forget - you can reach me any time at www.yourohiorabbi.com [http://www.yourohiorabbi.com/].
Fill out the contact form there if you'd like to work with me on your wedding.
IG: @yourohiorabbi
Send questions for me to answer on this podcast to:
Hope to see you next time! Remember - there is ALWAYS more learning to do!
<3 Rabbi LeighAnn
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Your Jewish Wedding' with Rabbi Lian
00:00:00
Speaker
Listen, Esty, can I just be candid about something? We have recorded for half of this episode and we have not even mentioned your husband's name. Tell me about your dress though. I'll tell you about my husband. Poor guy. He knew what he was getting into. He totally knew what he signed up for. So dress wise, I
00:00:30
Speaker
Are you planning a Jewish or interfaith wedding? Are you lost on where to even begin planning the ceremony, let alone finding a rabbi to help you?
00:00:41
Speaker
Well, it doesn't matter whether one of you is Jewish or you're both Jewish. You deserve a guide. So take a deep breath. I promise it will all be okay. Welcome to Your Jewish Wedding with Rabbi Lian. Here, I can be everyone's rabbi, yours too. My guests and I
Guest Introduction: Esty from The Bride Tender
00:01:03
Speaker
will share everything we know to help make your Jewish or interfaith wedding full of tradition and perfectly yours.
00:01:25
Speaker
Okay. Welcome everyone to your Jewish wedding podcast. I have an incredible episode for you today. It is a Jewish wedding story episode, but it is extra sparkly and special because we are going to be talking to Esti from the Bride Tender podcast.
00:01:48
Speaker
about her wedding, which was less than two years ago. And I know that you all are dying to hear all about it. Hi, Esty. Hi. Thank you so much for having me. It's like so fun to be able to come on your podcast. And I really haven't been like a guest on a podcast, only one time. And it was like many years ago. Really never would you like to be a guest on people's podcasts?
00:02:14
Speaker
I would. Yeah. I think if it applies to me and I know that I have something to say or something to talk about, then absolutely. Well, podcasters, especially wedding podcasters, you heard it here first. She'd like to come on your show if she thinks it works out. And a
Esty's Background: Wedding Planning and Cultural Influences
00:02:30
Speaker
lot of people follow Esty, so it will work out for both of you. Well, you agreed to come on to the Jewish Wedding Podcast to talk about your own Jewish wedding.
00:02:39
Speaker
And I said it was so extra super sparkly and special because you are a wedding planner or you have been a wedding planner. So you know all the ins and outs and you had already thought about every single detail before it started. But usually my focus is on ceremony stuff. So I guess just in general though, before we dive into any questions, what made you want to have a Jewish wedding?
00:03:09
Speaker
Well, both myself and my husband are both Jewish. We were raised, we were actually both raised conservative, which it's funny because I still think we were raised so totally different. So it goes to show it doesn't necessarily matter because I think we both grew up very differently. And even just like the level of like religiousness and
00:03:39
Speaker
things that our parents expected versus what we expect and things were so totally different. Not to say that that caused any hurdles, but it was definitely things that we had to navigate through our planning process.
00:03:58
Speaker
Because we both were raised Jewish, we both went and grew up going to Hebrew school, we grew up being bar mat mitzvahd. Like, it only made sense for us to have a Jewish wedding with a Jewish ceremony have a lot of the different traditions like brought in there. So amazing. Was there anything that either of your parents expected of you that you were just like, guys, that's not going to happen?
00:04:23
Speaker
Yeah,
Navigating Traditions and Family Expectations
00:04:24
Speaker
so my in-laws expected that we should be having a kosher wedding, which were both not kosher. So I was like, no. So yeah, that was definitely something that we had to navigate. But I think other than that, we were on pretty much the same page.
00:04:46
Speaker
Okay, now when you thought about your own wedding, as I imagine you definitely 1000% it even before long before you got engaged. Yeah. What did you envision? Like, what was your vision of the day like and especially in terms of like the Jewish parts? So it's it's funny, because I think as I got closer to my wedding, I realized there were certain things that I wanted to do that beforehand, I was like, definitely not.
00:05:11
Speaker
Um, which I used to like growing up, I think growing up, you go to a lot of bar and bar mitzvahs, you do the horror. There's just certain things that you do. And I was like, Oh, I don't want to do the horror.
00:05:23
Speaker
But I know, I know. I'm like, seriously? Who was I kidding? And then as I got close to my wedding, I was like, how do we not do it? Like we are both Jewish. This is like a huge part of our culture. It really kind of gets the party going. So of course we did it. And thank God that we did. I think it would have been, I think it would have been like a loss for us if we didn't. Were you scared though, up on the chairs?
00:05:50
Speaker
Was it scary? Yeah. Well, my biggest thing is it was like, I don't want to fall off. No. Before your honeymoon. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, I just don't want to be like embarrassed in the middle of like my wedding. Thank God. Like all went smoothly. I've talked to so many couples. I ask
00:06:11
Speaker
them at the beginning of our first big planning call, do you have any must haves or must nots? And I think because they're talking to me, they go right into Jewish mode. And so many of them say the horror, we have to have the horror. And I think it's for because it's for a lot of couples, it's
00:06:28
Speaker
like party times and that they have that kind of vibe. And it's also just one Jewish thing they can do without having to like learn anything or believe anything or anything or get anything special, you know. So it's very interesting that you didn't want to do that. So who did you choose to officiate your wedding?
00:06:51
Speaker
So I had Rabbi Hoffman who actually used to live down the block from my parents. So yeah, so we like, I grew up knowing him. He actually wasn't my rabbi growing up because he was just like with a different temple that was like a couple of towns over. But then he had, he ended up moving over to my grandparents' temple and he did like the
00:07:19
Speaker
when my grandfather passed, which is like a bunch of years ago, he did the, um, like the funeral, like he was there for, and he did just such a great job and he's just like a really funny, really dynamic guy. And so I was like, well, we know that like we want to get married by a rabbi. Like this is like a no brainer. I mean, again, you know, you're, you're dealing with,
00:07:47
Speaker
another family coming in, right? So like not just my own family. So I'm sure, you know, it was, it's one, it's one family wanting things one way, one family wanting things another way. But for me at the end of the day, I'm like, this is, you know, not, not to sound like rude, but I'm like, this is my day. Like, of course, I'm like, this is my day. I'm not, I'm going, we're going to do it our way. And honestly, my husband and I were on the same page, which is all that matters. And, um,
00:08:17
Speaker
So we ended up booking with Rabbi Hoffman and everybody absolutely loved him, loved him. He was hysterical. I think it makes it a little easier when somebody already has a connection with a rabbi, especially with like the in-laws because
00:08:33
Speaker
You know, people who grow up Jewish and sort of know the Jewish world know that it can be kind of difficult to find a rabbi. And so especially if you have one that's sort of like your family rabbi and also you have a connection with, I don't think anyone would have dreamed of asking you to not
00:08:51
Speaker
you know, have Rabbi Hoffman officiate. Right. Yeah. My family was like so happy that he was like who I chose. But then also just like on the day of like, my in-laws really liked him. However, all the guests at the at the risk at like our wedding really liked him. They thought he was like very funny.
00:09:10
Speaker
And, um, yeah, so it was, it was a really great experience. Like 10 out of 10, if I was doing it over, would, would pick the same guy. Like he was great. He was real. I think you told us, uh, when I was a guest on your podcast that you also had a canter under your hopper.
00:09:27
Speaker
I did, I did. So that's like, what's so funny, because that was definitely like, not something I was looking to happen. We met with our rabbi about, I want to say like, four months before our wedding. And he was like,
00:09:44
Speaker
asking us some stuff. He told us to put together, write something to give him a backstory of how we met and all these things. And when we sat down with him, he was like, well, I really think you guys should have the cancer there. And I was like,
00:10:03
Speaker
No way. What were you envisioning? I was like, wrong crowd here. Were you envisioning like hours of yummy forebears? I guess. Really, you're at Temple Saturday morning, three hour service.
00:10:20
Speaker
Like I'm doing my minimum of 10 that I had to do for Hebrew school. Yes, I do know. I do know because I'm in the middle of that now with my daughter. I told everyone on episode five of your Jewish wedding podcast, Finding a Rabbi, that if you can find a cantor, you are a lucky duck.
00:10:42
Speaker
And you should absolutely do anything you have to do to get him or her to be under your hubba because everybody will be floored, would you say that that's accurate? Yeah. So what did he add to the ceremony? Oh, well, you can see that they really are like quite a tag team, which is funny because that's what the rabbi was saying. He's like, I'm telling you, like we're the best team. We put on the best show.
00:11:04
Speaker
and i was like alright fine like fine whatever fine like i was like this isn't like not even to say worth the fight like i'm like you talk to me into it so we had the canter there and it was funny because my friends who are not jewish who like wouldn't know what a canter is
00:11:22
Speaker
they ended up like after our wedding being like oh my god this singer was amazing and it was just it made it like that much funnier like for me. When does anyone have like a designated singer at their wedding? So so funny.
00:11:40
Speaker
Yeah. So he did a great job. He did. Oh my gosh. I'm so
Wedding Day Choices and Customs
00:11:44
Speaker
glad. And I do. I really want to plug, if you guys can find a canter, not to lose my role in your wedding. But I have a friend in town who's a canter, and she will make you cry. She will make everybody. I mean, she's just phenomenal. So tell me, let's dish. Tell me everything about the wedding day. First of all, did you guys have any separation leading up to the wedding?
00:12:10
Speaker
Like the traditional days or whatever? So the night before we didn't spend together, I was at the hotel, he was at our apartment, we like got ready like separately and everything. And then at the venue is where we did our like first look.
00:12:31
Speaker
So yeah, so we did our first look at the venue. Um, we took like a bunch of pictures and everything after that. And then we signed the katuba together before, you know, beforehand. So yeah, so it was, I mean, it was definitely like,
00:12:50
Speaker
a great experience. I feel like having, I mean, I didn't do that whole like week leading up. We didn't see each other. Did you have like a special throne where people were asking you for blessings or you were surrounded by all the women? Did you do any of that? No, no. So I've worked a bunch of like kosher, more religious weddings that did like a tish and a bedekin. Like I've done, I've worked that.
00:13:17
Speaker
But I didn't grow up where that was like the norm for me, I guess, or like those weddings were the norm for me to like, you know, be a guest at. So I think it would have been like also kind of like weird for my mom. Like if I was like, yeah, we're gonna like do a bedekin, she'd be like, what?
00:13:38
Speaker
Yeah, it would have felt like like maybe you were like play acting like old country Jews, you know like Let's just pretend let's go back I think it's so interesting because I tell people about the bedeckin and how like actually the Jews invented the first look because
00:13:53
Speaker
You've heard me complain about first looks already. We have so many first looks for, like, standard American weddings now, but the Bidekin, like, really is. But it's, I think you're exactly right. It's really hard for people to, like, get into that, that mood. If it's not something they, right, if they grew up with or all their friends did it, you know, it's, it's one of those things that I think
00:14:15
Speaker
If it's emotional for you, you're going to feel emotional during it, but if it's not, you won't because it requires so much participation too from also people who get that paradigm. Yeah. It's, it's, if you're not, if you're not used to that, it's kind of weird to be like, Oh, I'm just going to like do this on like the one, the biggest day.
00:14:34
Speaker
I could do that. I don't know. I feel like it would feel off. And it just adds more to your schedule too. And if there's a bride who really just wants to build in as much cushion time as possible, that might not be it. Wait, wait. Who planned your wedding? Me. You did. Yeah. So how were you feeling the day of? Were you OK?
00:14:56
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like I was totally fine. I mean, I worked with all vendors who I knew. And even like the venue manager at like my venue where I got married, I knew because we used to work together. So I worked with all people that I knew pretty well. You know, I think that the things that stressed me out were certain people.
00:15:19
Speaker
which is, you know, it happens. There's always something. There's always something to stress people out. I think like I am definitely type A, but I had it all under control. Like what? You? No, no, never. No, we love you. We love you for it though. So you all, what time was your hoopa? So it was three o'clock invite for, and then 3.30 ceremony.
00:15:48
Speaker
All right. So you had... Yeah. So this was like another thing. I originally really wanted a Saturday night, which Saturday night you have to do after sundown, which would have been fine for us because we were getting married in the winter. So sundown is at like 4.35 o'clock.
00:16:08
Speaker
Um, I got married at, in the very beginning of 2022. So, so many dates had been like people who had to move from 2020 and 2021. So when we booked our wedding thing, the world was kind of like turning back around. It like seemed okay.
00:16:24
Speaker
but there weren't a lot of dates open. So we ended up going with a Sunday because there were no Saturdays open. And I'm like, if I'm going to go with Sunday, then I'm going to go a little bit earlier because I didn't want people leaving early. Right. Exactly. Okay. So you had a Sunday wedding and let's see. Oh, your Kachuba. We completely skipped your Kachuba. So you, who was at your Kachuba ceremony? Um, my bridal party. So like bridesmaids and groomsmen.
00:16:54
Speaker
both sets of our parents and then the rabbi and yeah, the rabbi in cancer. And then so we each like pick someone because you know how you have to have like for signing your katuba. And now I know in like the Jewish religion that it's technically like you're supposed to have like a male who's like not
00:17:23
Speaker
I know it's very yes. So yeah, so I did actually follow it because my husband chose like one of his like best guy friends who's Jewish and I chose one of my best guy friends who's nice. Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah. So my friend Jack was like at our kutuba signing and like he was like so honored to do it and like it felt really, really, really special to have him. Did you sign in Hebrew?
00:17:52
Speaker
Ooh, I gotta pull back. I gotta pull my katuba back out. Okay, so you didn't get a giant art katuba? I did. I did. I didn't frame it yet. It's about the one thing that I didn't do.
00:18:09
Speaker
I do, our katuba is in Hebrew. That I know. Yeah. I can't believe you didn't frame it yet with so type A. I know. I know. It's literally sitting on my desk in my bedroom actually. I know. I just did an episode about the katuba ceremony. I literally spent half the episode explaining to people that I am terrified about their katuba's safety and will they please put it in the frame.
00:18:32
Speaker
Right? Yeah. No, it makes sense. It definitely makes sense. I don't know why we haven't yet, but we will. It's on the list. You know, nothing's an emergency. I like, I hammer on about certain points, but it's like nothing. We can fix anything, you know. And I think the day of, like, I try to be that kind of, like, personality, like, you know what? Everything's fine.
00:18:53
Speaker
No matter what happens, everything's fine. Really, all I have to do is sign the marriage license. Other than that, like kind of anything could happen. So yeah, well, I also always explain to like brides and grooms like once like your wedding day is here, like you kind of got a lot like a lot kind of like go over your head because otherwise
00:19:13
Speaker
you're going to not enjoy your day. And I've seen brides who freak out about something very minuscule that nobody else sees but them. And I have to be like, listen, this is the biggest day. Not only are you getting married, but you also spent a lot of money for today. Please. I want you to enjoy it because it's a
00:19:39
Speaker
for the most part, a once in a lifetime thing. Please God. Yeah. It's
Reflecting on Wedding Traditions and Trends
00:19:45
Speaker
very stressful to plan a wedding and to get married. So please God, it should only be once. Your wedding date, your wedding is like an organism and there's all, you have like this team and I feel like everybody who hires any part of their wedding team, this is like not about Jewish weddings. It's just about what's in general, excuse me, tangents. But I feel like I want every bride and groom to ask, how do you fit into the wedding day team?
00:20:11
Speaker
because if they can answer that in any way that's like, uh, what do you mean? Then you can kind of, I feel like you can kind of trust your team to like work together. Like personally, once I get to the venue, I talked to the bride and groom as little as possible, unless it's like chatty chatty time, but about any details, like that's, I'm not talking to them about that. That's my job to like handle that apart from them. So yeah, you're just trying to like, I,
00:20:38
Speaker
Nobody wants to go to the bride and groom on their day and ask them any questions. No, their royalty on that day. Did you have the whole processional? How did you decide on your processional? I did.
00:20:56
Speaker
I feel like it's nice when bridesmaids and groomsmen walk down together. Also, it saves time. That's a big thing that people don't think about. They'll be like, oh, well, I have everybody walking down one by one. I don't understand that whatsoever. That takes like 10 minutes. I know. That's why I'm like, why are you doing that? I did not realize that until I filmed a wedding I officiated. And I'm like, I know I didn't officiate a 35-minute wedding.
00:21:22
Speaker
But I didn't, I didn't, it was the processional just took so long. But I feel like nobody really cares because they don't notice they're just enjoying the pretty sights. But as a wedding planner, it makes sense that you would have wanted to curtail that because you would have been counting down the minutes in your head. I didn't have a huge, huge bridal party. I had six bridesmaids, six groomsmen. So it was in between. That's like Ohio huge. I feel like that's East Coast medium.
00:21:50
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. East coast, it's like 10 to 12. I didn't do that. I didn't do that. I had six. So five bridesmaids and my maid of honor. My husband had five groomsmen and his best man. So the way that we had ... He walked down with his parents and then I was very last. I walked down with my parents. Okay. Obviously ... I'm sorry.
00:22:15
Speaker
Oh, I did want to point out because in obviously a Jewish wedding, you get walked down by both parents as long as they're both alive and well and able to. And growing up, I think we see a lot of movies where it's like the father of the bride walks the bride down. And I used to be like, oh no, I don't want both of my parents to walk me down.
00:22:42
Speaker
But as you know, now that, I mean, and even, you know, when I got married, it was like, I couldn't even have imagined like not having both of my parents there to do that. Not having your mom.
00:22:55
Speaker
And looking at it now as like, you know, like, as like a grown woman, and like, I don't have children yet, but I know that I will. It's like, well, I want to be there too. Of course, like I did just as much work, if not more. Yeah, on this person. Like, listen, I brought you into this world. I'm walking you down the aisle. And I'm like, and you know, back then, I like thought that was so annoying. But, but like,
00:23:25
Speaker
like leading up to my wedding, like I was like, yeah, there's like, my mom should have that moment. Like, of course she should. Yeah. That's so wonderful. And you know what? The traditional Jewish processional makes it easy to give her that spotlight as opposed to like trying to come up with something that I see sometimes brides scrambling because they want that, they want their dad only, but then mom has to have something too. And it just, you know, easy peasy, done, done. How big of a thing is like feminism for you? Is that like big on your radar where you just like,
00:23:56
Speaker
for yourself, like in your life. So I like teeter back and forth. I've started things where I think I'm like, I don't think I'm like a feminist by any means, but then I have certain aspects where I'm just like, you know, women should make as much as men and women should, I definitely kind of teeter back and forth.
00:24:18
Speaker
I'm just asking because in my experience, people who have both parents walk bride and groom down, who are really feminist in their daily lives and social whatever, they love it because the traditional American wedding has dad walking his daughter down the aisle and there is a strong vibe that he is giving her to this other man.
00:24:43
Speaker
Yeah. And that is just that has never been a thing in Jewish tradition. Right. I don't I don't even think there's a possession angle to it. I think it's just we're walking her the last few steps before she makes her own household. So for people who are really like, who are really especially like socially liberal, they tend to love that custom and really like feel good about it.
00:25:05
Speaker
I think, and I've worked weddings that are interfaith also, and weddings that are not Jewish. But what I will say is I see a lot more people now walking down the aisle with both their parents, regardless of if they're Jewish or not. Because you know what? It is a little
00:25:22
Speaker
awkward to be like, Oh, no, like my mom's just gonna walk down alone, or she's gonna walk down with uncle so and so and it's like, it kind of makes the mother and the bride seem irrelevant when, like,
00:25:39
Speaker
They're not like the mother of the bride is very, very important and very crucial in the wedding. So I do feel like, and I've worked, you know, so even like a lot of weddings where I have, where if the parents are divorced or something, you know, I'll have the couple speaks to me and they'll be like, Hey, I don't really know exactly how we should do like the lineup and we go through it together. And I'm like, you know what?
00:26:07
Speaker
who's your mom walking down with? And they're like, oh, you know, I don't know. And I go, what if she walks you down? Who next to the groom? And even if the groom's not Jewish, he'll be like, oh, is that weird to walk down with my parents? I'm like, no.
00:26:23
Speaker
It's a little, it's a little Jewish flavor in everybody. You're welcome, America. You're welcome. Now, okay. I am obviously going to connect or put in the show notes, any pictures that you will allow me to. But if we're just listening and we're not going to click on the show notes because like I never do.
00:26:44
Speaker
Set the scene for us. You're walking in to your beautiful Sunday afternoon wedding. What does it look like? What's the vibe? What's the atmosphere? So my venue had a lot of like green and gold, and I am extremely matchy, matchy, matchy. Like when I do something, I need it to match like all the way. So
00:27:06
Speaker
I ended up actually like going with that color scheme and I had like my bridesmaids and my mom and my mother-in-law all in like shades of green. Um, also velvet for the bridesmaids because it's like, it was winter time. So it kind of like really worked. I had the groomsmen in hunter green tuxedos and my, my little, um,
00:27:35
Speaker
I had a little ring bearer and he loves tuxedos. So he was also in a hunter green tuxedo, so cute. And then like all of the decor was like greens and golds. Like I matched everything to a tee. I had rentals of like linens and different tables. My flowers, I had like a little bit of a pop of like lavender.
00:28:05
Speaker
Oh. Just to make the room pop. Wow. You should stand out. You should stand out. It needs to almost be three-dimensional. If you have two colors, it's almost like you don't have that pop. But if you add in a third, then you're like, wow, now I really see the green. Now I really see the gold.
00:28:25
Speaker
Um, my, my chuppa was a gold mirrored chuppa. Oh my gosh, I'm dying. Oh my, I wish we could travel back in time and you could invite me. I'm like, I know. It's as time goes on, I can't believe that it's almost two years because you know, trends also, trends also like,
00:28:47
Speaker
Die right, you know and stop mirror gold will never die That is why you picked it. Hi. Yeah, I mean everything I did for my wedding was very classic But it's so funny how you know, we saw so many of like the light up neon signs Like which which I did too like I had a photo I had a neon sign You know, we have that neon sign to actually like hang up in our house and
00:29:12
Speaker
And, um, and it's just funny cause I was like, a lot of things I did were not, we're almost like a little bit more above and beyond like what you would see it like at a regular running, like at a wedding, you'll see a lot of white.
00:29:26
Speaker
like white linens, white everything. I didn't do anything
The Wedding Dress: Simplicity and Customization
00:29:29
Speaker
white. The only white thing in that room was my dress. It sounds very luxe. It was like you were going for like a, this is very like luxurious and you were the shining star in white. I wanted it to feel like winter wonderland, but not like frozen with like the light blue or the light pink.
00:29:51
Speaker
You know, I wanted more of like, I wanted that like rich forest green to like really show. It's not Hanukkah, Hanukkah's over. Hanukkah's over. We're in green now. Yeah.
00:30:04
Speaker
Yes. And it was right by Valentine's Day. So I was like, I would have thought about doing red, but the venue had so much green, and then it would have been looking like Christmas in there, and that would have been confusing. Christmas. Mm-hmm. That would have been confusing. Listen, Esty, can I just be candid about something? We have recorded for half of this episode, and we have not even mentioned your husband's name.
00:30:29
Speaker
We're like, who's that? Oops. Tell me about your dress, though. Tell me dress, and then I'll tell you about my husband. Oh my gosh. Poor guy. He knew what he was getting into. Yeah, he knew what he was signed up for. So dress-wise, I didn't do change of dresses or anything like that. I had one dress.
00:30:57
Speaker
Um, I didn't want like back and forth of like changing outfits and like I wanted to like fully be like in my wedding the entire time.
00:31:05
Speaker
I chose an Essence of Australia dress. I got it from Blossom Brides in Rockville Center, which is one town over from where I live. I originally was planning to wear my mom's dress, have it revamped. But I went to Blossom Brides to just try some stuff on to see what I liked on myself and my friend, who's a wedding dress designer,
00:31:33
Speaker
I sent her a photo of me in the dress. I said, this is kind of what I'm thinking. She said, Esi, how much are they charging you for this dress? I told her the price. She goes, buy the dress. She goes, we'll turn your mom's, we'll turn your mom's dress into something else. So I bought the dress. Um, it was strapless and I really, really wanted it off the shoulder sleeve. So, um, the seamstress was able to make me one and I bought all these like
00:32:00
Speaker
like fake flowers off of Amazon and she sewed them all together and made this like chunky, it was like a big off the shoulder sleeve. You guys will see it is absolutely flawless and gorgeous. Did Rabbi Hoffman have any requirements for you about your dress? No, he didn't. He never said anything. I mean, I know when you're like up on a Bima, you have to like have your arms covered.
00:32:27
Speaker
Um, I don't know how strict or not like that is at this point, but obviously that was the thing back in the day. I didn't do it for that reason, but I just wanted that off the shoulder sleeve look. So yeah, it worked out.
00:32:47
Speaker
No, he never said anything. The biggest thing that Rabbi happened was like, he's like, yeah, so like, are we gonna like circle the groom? And I was like, no. And I was like, no. And then he's like, what if we just do three times? And I was like, fine. And I don't know how I, I'm telling you, I don't know how you talked me into these things, but I did it. I did it three times. You did it three times. And did your nameless husband also circle you or no?
00:33:17
Speaker
He didn't, and I think if we went back in time, I would have made him do the other three circling me. I don't know what I was thinking. I have to do it. Right, because it feels a bit like I'm the focus of attention. Yeah, yeah. Why has nobody circled me? No, that's exactly what it should be. I don't understand this rule of like brides circling the groom. No.
00:33:42
Speaker
Are you glad you did it though? I mean, I feel like I just knew like in that moment I felt so awkward, but I was like, yeah, I'm like, whatever. I'm like, it didn't like make me happy or make me sad. Like I was like, all right. It was like two seconds of time. We got it done.
00:34:03
Speaker
I will never tell this. I will never tell this to a bride that I'm planning with because I don't, there is this sense like I'm going to be embarrassed. I'm going to feel awkward. And I don't want her to feel that I want that, but I do know that the awkward or embarrassing or slightly unfamiliar moments are the moments when you look to the person you're marrying to ground you and to comfort you and sometimes like to laugh together.
00:34:28
Speaker
and a photographer loves that moment. I find that a lot of times people become vulnerable with each other and it just makes the sweetest looks. So you did the circling and you felt, did you have like a little laugh moment with your unnamed husband? Yes, yes. I feel like Ira and I were kind of like laughing during that because we just knew that I didn't want to do, like I probably like rolled my eyes during it if I knew.
00:34:58
Speaker
And I'm sure there's a beautiful photo from your photographer of like that, because there is a little vulnerable connection. There is. And I love that. I feel like, I mean, no regrets. Like, I feel like we did a lot of, we did certain things like, you know, we drank the wine, we broke the glass, we were under a hupa.
00:35:17
Speaker
Ira like lifted my veil once I, yeah, he met like halfway down, down the aisle and he like lifted my veil and then we walked down the rest of it together. Oh, that's so nice. Really nice.
00:35:33
Speaker
That's so nice. So you did have a little Bedekin moment. I guess, yeah. Just nothing, nothing separately. We didn't have any like separate like Tish, Bedekin. It was just more like down the aisle. That's very, that's very sweet. Okay. Did you have any participants in the ceremony besides you, the rabbi and the cantor? Who were standing up there?
00:35:55
Speaker
Did the rabbi ask you if you wanted anybody to participate? Did anybody to say kiddish, do any readings, or was it just you guys and your clergy? It was just us and our clergy. I mean, our bridal party was standing up there too, and our parents were really close to the chuppah.
00:36:13
Speaker
But no, we didn't have any like readings. We didn't have anybody else like during the ceremony speak we did do like the cutting of the hala and like the like wine during Like when we got into reception and we've had both of our uncles do that. Oh That's so nice Okay, so your parents did your parents make any kind of fuss about not being under the hopper with you? No, they didn't so
00:36:40
Speaker
It actually had nothing to do with my parents. I just didn't want, I didn't want like this, like to be feeling like, hovered over. Like I really didn't. And so I had them like right beside the Chupa because the Chupa was just not big enough to have the rabbi, the cancer, me, Ira, both of his parents, both of my parents, like it's too much.
00:37:06
Speaker
It's, it's too much and it's too close. I feel like a lot of people don't really realize that. But
Ceremony Highlights: Traditions and Personal Touches
00:37:12
Speaker
if you know, I think if you had wanted your parents under there, you know, the rabbi and Cantor would have known to move out of the way. I mean, I kind of like, I like told my parents like ahead of time, it really had nothing to do with my parents. It's just sometimes like, you don't always on that, like even with your in-laws, really, like, and I'm like, and they were fine.
00:37:33
Speaker
I am hearing so many couples who like come to me, and usually it's like sometimes the mechatan, the in-laws, the Jewish in-laws, will take a little bit of advantage over the non-Jewish person getting married, and especially if it's the bride, and they'll say, well, you know that the groom's parents stand under the hope.
00:37:57
Speaker
I have had this several times happen, by the way, and I have had to tell them the magic. There's four magic words that I give my, especially my brides, and it's very powerful. And the four words are Rabbi Leanne says no. Yeah.
00:38:12
Speaker
And if Rabbi Lillian says parents aren't allowed to stand under the chuppah, who's arguing? But I do have that, like, I find that a lot where parents are like, but wait, but the parents stand under the chuppah, you know that, right? No, no. So, and if S.D. Lavin did not have parents standing under the chuppah, then you don't have to, okay, everybody? I hope everybody absorbed that. Listen, I tell people all the time, like,
00:38:34
Speaker
what you experience with either your parents or your in-laws, because it's always one or the other. It's either you and your family have the nonsense or you have it with your in-laws. Everybody experiences it. I've never had one couple that it's all always good on both sides all the time. It's just not. It's impossible for it to be.
00:39:00
Speaker
I always tell my couples, I'm like, who's the difficult person? You tell me who they are. And I'll just be on top of them to make them feel special because that's what I can do. And I can already tell you're super pro at that and it would totally work. I try to do that a little bit too, but I think with the wedding planner, I feel like that's
00:39:22
Speaker
sort of the role. And when you have a rabbi, I feel like there's a religious respect that people have. And if the rabbi says no, who are you? So that always works on my side. And I want to empower anybody who's listening to this. If you have a rabbi or anybody who's slightly authoritative, it doesn't matter if he said no. Just saying.
00:39:46
Speaker
It's okay because it's because it's your wedding and I told my rabbi I was like listen like I don't want to feel like Hubbard over I just don't and he's like Did did you do all the Hebrew things like you did the do the vows in Hebrew did you have your own yeah, we did vows in Hebrew and
00:40:12
Speaker
Did you do the index finger wedding ring thing? Yeah, where you get married in with solid bands. My everyday bands are not solid, but we got married using my in-laws wedding bands that were passed down, and we got married in those on the index finger. Yeah, we did. That's so nice. Did they do all the seven wedding blessings? Yeah.
00:40:40
Speaker
in Hebrew, chance with them and everything. And that didn't feel weird or off for you at all. That felt all very familiar. Yeah. I mean, it was funny because I felt like it seemed very religious or ceremony for someone who I went and say that I really am like that, but it was special. And my grandma was there and she was watching and I mean,
00:41:07
Speaker
I'm only planning to do this once. So like, so it was, I was okay doing all of those things. What was it? You felt like you really, you liked the tradition of it. You liked that you fit in with people in the past. Like what was it? I mean, I like, listen, there's certain things that I wouldn't do. Cause like, it would feel really weird to me. Like I think like women and men sitting separately like that. I didn't grow up with any of that at temple. So like that would have been weird.
00:41:37
Speaker
But to hear certain songs being sang at my ceremony that I heard in Temple growing up, that's special. To see my husband break the glass, to walk down with my parents, to be under a hoopa, it really goes to show. Not everybody has these same traditions. And Jewish people have these for a reason. And why not do them?
00:42:09
Speaker
That's important. Yeah. Did your rabbi and Cantor do a lot of like explainers for your guests or was it like so Jewish Jewish people were just there for the ride? No, no, they did. I mean, there was a lot in English. Like, I mean, I would say most of the, everything was like English other than like certain prayers and things like that. Um, but yeah, I think our, our rabbi was like very funny. So he was, he was really good at like connecting with everybody there, whether you were Jewish or not.
00:42:38
Speaker
You're a lucky duck. You and I were so lucky to have Rabbi Hoffman and the candor. I'm just, I'm so, I, once again, I wish I was there. Did he explain the breaking of the glass?
00:42:54
Speaker
Um, I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so. I think like he was just kind of like, and now we're gonna like, and I was so scared because I was like, get it on the first time, you know? Yeah. Did you, well, were you involved in that though? Cause you had known about the glass. Did you provide? Yeah, yeah, we did.
00:43:16
Speaker
You did. Okay. Because I've had couples who were like very scared and they do the light bulb for that reason. I think we do the light bulb. Oh, you know, I think yeah, I think so.
00:43:27
Speaker
That's a guaranteed smash. Yeah.
Post-Wedding Reflections and Heirlooms
00:43:30
Speaker
We need guarantee for that. We need guaranteed smashes at winning. Oh my God. So I know you went to your reception and your beautiful non-kosher reception and everybody danced and had a wonderful time and did a Hamotzi and you had the horror.
00:43:51
Speaker
When you look back on your Jewish wedding, because you had, it wasn't Jewish, you were just, you were like, sign me up for a Jewish wedding. Rabbi, pretty much whatever that is, like, what do you got? You know, which is, which we don't see very often, but it's kind of, I don't know, it's kind of cool when it does happen, because
00:44:14
Speaker
you just kind of can roll right through and be like, all right, like what are we doing old country and what are we doing? And you do get that idea that people are already connected. Like Asti and Ira already know they want this Jewish wedding and they already know that it's going to be really meaningful to them. But when you look back on it, is there anything like about the ceremony or any like particularly Jewish moment that stands out to you as like, that was when?
00:44:39
Speaker
That was when the wedding happened. That was when we were married or like this was the this. So when we were like after Ira broke the glass and like we kiss and we were walking back down the aisle because you know as the bride and groom like you're the first one to then walk out and we're like walking out like it was just like oh my god like I can't believe we're married. Like what ceremony like really just happened like we're like what we're here like this is it.
00:45:10
Speaker
Yeah. You felt like you knew it was going to happen, but like, especially because it was like so traditional and whatever. And like you, you had all that, you had that glass mash. Like, did you feel like you were suddenly just like part of the line of people that had had these ceremonies and like you were like in now? I felt like, you know, you know, they talk about like having wedding blues, right?
00:45:33
Speaker
And after my bridal shower, which was about two and a half months before my wedding, I felt so, I was like, oh my God, I can't believe it's over. And Ira was like, if you're like this after the bridal shower, what are you going to be like after the wedding? And I was like, well, the bridal shower is really only about me.
00:45:55
Speaker
but the wedding is about both of us. So it felt almost really sad after the shower because it's the last time it was fully about me. But after like, you know, as like, I felt like I really lived in the moment at our wedding that, but like the next day, of course I was still riding a high and then we went away, not like the day after our wedding, but the following day and we're like away and I'm like,
00:46:24
Speaker
I can't believe it's over. I did things a lot faster than a lot of people do. I work in the wedding industry, so I knew everybody I was going to use. I knew what it would look like that. I'm like, I don't need to wait a year and a half. I don't need to wait two years. I'm like, this is the man that I love this who I'm going to marry. We're doing this. We're in.
00:46:53
Speaker
Ira on February, our first date was February 6, 2021. We were married on February 22. What? Yeah. What? Oh my gosh. Esty, that old country. Totally, totally, like totally. We got engaged in three and a half months, which is so rare, so rare.
00:47:20
Speaker
I think my husband and I were married within two years of meeting each other. And we were 22 and 24. And it was just like, there's no reason not to like, you know, there's sort of sometimes I think there's like a vibe of like, I at this point, can't imagine. It wasn't even I can't imagine my life without him. But like, I kind of know like there is nobody better. Yeah, yeah. For me. Well, out there like there, you know, because there's all these things just fit, fit, fit, fit.
00:47:46
Speaker
Yeah. So I was, I met Ira right after my 29th birthday and I had dated like a bunch of people before him. Like nothing, like even, even like, and I just felt like if it wasn't it, I was like moving on. Like I wasn't like, let me like draw something out. Like I was like, if it's not it, it's not it. I wasn't trying to make something fit in a, like as the puzzle piece that didn't fit. And when I met Ira, it was like,
00:48:16
Speaker
That was it like we had it even like it was like first date and then I saw him the next week for a second date and then I saw him two days after then and it was just it was flowing and it was just then it became it was like well I was seeing him every day and and so when we got engaged to I'm sure to the outside world they were like are they crazy three and a half months they're crazy well now we're married almost two years together almost three years and It works for us
00:48:46
Speaker
It's going to be an amazing, God willing, decades together. Did you have anything, you were talking about being sad about the ceremony being over, the wedding being over, the whole, the whole Michigan. Did you have, I always encourage my couples to try and create or carry forward some heirlooms, like parts of the ceremony that you have in your home,
00:49:11
Speaker
that you can look at and be like, now that was, not only was it symbolizing our new home together, but it was actually starting our new home together. Did you use, do you have like the kiddish cup that you still use or anything like that? So we do still have the kiddish cup, which actually we use the one from Iris Bar Mitzvah. So that was like really sweet. Oh, yes. Oh, that's so good. And the glass, like for the breaking glass, we actually saved to get put into a muzzoza.
00:49:40
Speaker
which we'll put up in our new house, which is somewhat around the corner. We'll be moving.
Engagement and Future Connections
00:49:46
Speaker
So we'll put it up then. And then I actually preserved my bouquet into a tray. Oh, yes.
00:49:56
Speaker
Oh my gosh. So it's like, yeah, so you could be real Jewy with that tree. We've got, we have a lot of holidays. We serve a lot of food. So you can definitely use it. So guys, Esty is super pro. She is, you're still in the wedding planning business. If anybody wants to consult with you or work with you or just find you to ask you questions that nobody else can answer because nobody else is as much of a maven as you.
00:50:21
Speaker
how can they find you and how can you help? For anybody who's new to hearing about my podcast, I host a podcast weekly called The Bright Tender, which I interview different vendors in the industry and get their take on what they do.
00:50:37
Speaker
Um, I discuss like ways to save money on your special day and working with the best vendors in the business. So you can always, always follow me at the bride tender and, and just like always feel free to reach out. You could DM me, you could email me, my link and everything is in my bio, um, for you to email me and we, I can kind of walk you through all the things. Listen, I have a lot of people who reach out to me. They're like, I'm really stressed about this. I'm really this. And I, I think I'm like good at talking people off the ledge.
00:51:07
Speaker
So you can always reach out to me there. And then my event planning business is Eventpire. So I do wedding planning for couples. I do mainly New York and New Jersey, but I am willing to travel for the, you know, if, as long as I'm available. But even if you're outside of, you know, tri-state area and you just have questions or you need somebody to work with who's in your area, I could probably refer you to somebody.
00:51:37
Speaker
Oh my gosh, what an incredible resource because I know that people sometimes are wondering whether I'm picking the right person, is this person vetted or am I just going to end up spending my money on nothing? You know the biz and I think that that's such a wonderful offer and so sweet. If somebody is planning a Jewish wedding and on the East Coast and there may be a little clueless about some of the elements of that, you've got plenty of experience and so you can speak to all of that and even from a personal place.
00:52:05
Speaker
I loved hearing about your wedding. Guys, I'm going to link whatever photos or blog posts or whatever Estee says is fine. I'm going to put in the show notes so you all can see the splendor of her gorgeous wedding. And Estee, I feel very, very lucky that you shared just a small part of that with us and, and helped set the scene for us and gave us your experiences. And just thank you from the bottom of my heart and from all my list
00:52:33
Speaker
It was so fun. I've been dying to come on a podcast and the fact that I got to talk about my wedding, I love that. I love that you wanted to hear. It was awesome. We could have five more episodes about it.
00:52:51
Speaker
So anybody who wants to talk to us, you can hear how delightful she is at the bride tender on Instagram and all her information is there and invite her on your podcast. Everybody see how delightful she is. Well, thank you so much. All right. Thank you so much. All right. Have a wonderful evening. Drive safe. Bye.
00:53:09
Speaker
Well everyone, I've had the best time being your rabbi for this episode. I'm so glad you joined me for another little bit of insight into planning your perfect Jewish or interfaith wedding. Until you can smash that glass on your big day, you might as well smash that subscribe button for this podcast. I don't want you to miss a single thing.
00:53:31
Speaker
Remember, you can always find me, Rabbi Lian, on Instagram. All one word for even more tips, tricks, recommendations, and wisdom on Jewish weddings.
00:53:48
Speaker
If you want to work with me on your wedding, you'll find all the info you need at YourOhioRabbi.com. Until next time, remember, you deserve the perfect wedding for you. Don't settle for anything less.