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Ep. 160 – The Justice League Presents: The Plum Pudding Riots Christmas Pageant
422 Plays11 months ago
This week our beloved Jeremiah and GUC alumnus April Gloria (Casey’s wife) join us to discuss Christian nationalist Andrew Torba’s shocking revelation about the origins of many popular Christmas songs and the Puritans’ War on Christmas. Finally, we are proud to present a theatrical performance of “A Super Christmas,” a heart-warming original play by Vanessa Unti, the past/maybe current(?) youth minister at Christ the Servant Lutheran Church in Bellingham, WA. If you want to follow along at home, you can find a copy of the script here: Free "Super Christmas" Printable Script. Follow April on Instagram and X (@_aprilgloria) and enjoy the show!
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Transcript
Introduction and New Superhero Discussion
00:00:00
Speaker
I have heard that this G.O.D. guy means real business. This is Batman speaking. It's so good. Batman. Apparently, he has a connection with all of us. He says he loves the world so much that he is going to give his son this new superhero. He's here to save the world from the villain, Sin. Which to be fair, does sound like a Batman villain.
00:00:38
Speaker
I have heard that this G-O-D guy means real business. This is Batman speaking. It is. Batman. Apparently, he has a connection with all of us. He says he loves the world so much that he is going to give his son this new superhero. He's here to save the world from the villain, Sin. Which to be fair, does sound like a Batman villain.
00:00:48
Speaker
I'm going to have to kill myself when this is over.
00:01:29
Speaker
I'm gonna have to kill myself when this is over.
00:01:31
Speaker
Hello and welcome to another episode of Grown Up Christian. I'm Casey. I'm Sam. I'm Jeremiah. The conference. I'm April. Yes. I didn't know which order we were supposed to be going in. I know that I'm last normally. I figured I was last. You guys arrived at the door at the same time and then went, oh, oh, oh. Nope, you.
00:01:52
Speaker
You're like a people, a volleyball match. That is homeschool volleyball. I have a personal experience with that. So it's like when you put your together and you have to clasp them to your chest too. And look down at the floor. You just try not to get it in homeschool volleyball. Yeah. Like if someone moves and you move at the same time, you both are just like, Oh, and you move both go back and the ball hits the ground.
00:02:19
Speaker
and then that happens over and over again for about three hours. That's because you've been taught submissiveness and passivity for a decade of your life. Yeah. No, I think it's just we're not used to interacting with large groups of other kids. You're used to interacting with two or three at a time. Also, yes. A lot of reasons. My family was a little more than that. That's true in mine too. I didn't remember how many siblings you had, but it was six of us. Six. Oh, okay. Yeah.
00:02:46
Speaker
A lot of kids, a lot of kids are crazy to me that parents homeschool that many kids. Well, I guess it makes sense. Like you'd be want to get out of the way of the little children so you don't stomp them to death. No, I was going to supply that to everyone. No, so it doesn't that didn't actually bother me at all. I was the oldest brother. So it's fine to run them over. They're durable. They're totally fine. He like the kitchen like Majin Buu.
00:03:11
Speaker
Majin Jeremiah. As normal, I don't get your references, Casey. I believe they're funny, but I don't understand it. I understand them. You have to listen to 30 hours of podcasts a week while driving to understand some of Casey's references. So you can watch Dragon Ball Z.
00:03:35
Speaker
Yeah, I'm not doing that that's too much I've tried to get into anime like three or four different times on a half episode it and I'm like Yeah, I just don't think this is for me. Like I don't think it's a quality problem. I think I just hate it
00:03:46
Speaker
Yeah, I'm with you, man. Anime does nothing for me. My foster son put on one piece is like the huge one that's like getting now it's even bigger because he did the Netflix show about it. But like I heard a bunch about it. It's been on forever. There's like over a thousand episodes. I'm like, it must be. Oh, man.
00:04:05
Speaker
It must be like, you know, maybe a top tier anime or something. And he just had it on in the living room while I was making dinner. And I was just like, what is this? This is insane. And he's like, it's one piece. I was like, this is one. This is the show that people think is amazing. I was like floored by how much I absolutely hated it. Yeah, I think being in the cosplay realm,
00:04:31
Speaker
I think there was a while, there was a time period where Casey and I were like, we were like, okay, I need to consume every type of a quote unquote nerd media in order to be seen as a relevant and well-rounded human being and to be taken seriously. So we tried, there's a couple anime shows that we liked or had a maze. Oopsie. Um, but for the most part, it is not for me. It is too screechy. Yep.
00:04:58
Speaker
What are what are two was one that was like, this is fine or this is OK. Death Note was really good. That was good. There was one screechy character that was annoying, but that's pretty good for an anime.
00:05:10
Speaker
There's usually at least like three or four. It's Castlevania anime. Or is that just like one of the ones that don't think so? It's sometimes like in the anime style, but they're like, it's not real anime. And everyone just yeah, that's the biggest loser for not knowing the difference between real and fake. And I think I learned like if it's made in America, it's not anime. And I'm just like, I don't care. I've never watched one of those movies. You know, the
00:05:38
Speaker
It's like Studio Jiggly or whatever. Jiggly Jigglypuff. Jiggly Jigglypuff. I've never watched one of those movies, but people just love them. I actually did watch one with my friend Tegan, and it was it was cute. It was like a low key sort of anime thing. I don't even know what that studio is. So like Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle, Tororo. Is that how you say it? Yeah. Is it that too?
00:06:06
Speaker
And, uh, what's, what's the one that we literally just watched? He serves divorce papers. Yeah, we watched that one.
Homeschool Volleyball and Social Dynamics
00:06:14
Speaker
Oh my God. Anyway, those ones, those ones are, they're like, they call them like cozy sort of stuff. Kind of cozy. Okay. That sounds all right. I just don't like it when like their mouth gets really big and the little water droplets come out of their eyes and they're like,
00:06:33
Speaker
So you don't like anime. Yeah, me too. You either are down for anime antics or you're not, I think. Yeah. I think good.
00:06:44
Speaker
It's too much. I think it's the female characters get me too because they're either like brash and loud and annoying, which I don't like, or they're like, as Taylor Swift put it, a sexy baby. Yeah, they're like walking sex dolls is all that they are. Yeah, they act like babies, but they have giant cans and they have a body of a 12 year old. I was at a friend's house years ago and they were trying to convince me that like not all animes are weird. That's where the conversation was starting.
00:07:13
Speaker
had people try to convince me of that too. Well, the one they decided to play for me, I don't even remember what it was, but it had the sexy baby character in it. And they were explaining that like, she only appears to be 14. She's actually has the soul of a dragon that's 1000 years old. I was like, I'm out.
00:07:33
Speaker
No. Yeah, that's like a trope now. Everybody makes fun of that part. I know. I couldn't believe it because I thought like, surely that's a joke. And then they were actually explaining it that way. They could just tell by my face. They were like, OK, like it's a little problematic. And I was like, yeah, it's really satisfying. Thinking about 14 year olds. There's like a there's a lot of like.
00:07:53
Speaker
like I don't know there's a lot of noise in anime too like yeah never just like look at something and and notice it it's always like
00:08:05
Speaker
Oh, oh, oh, oh. It's like, oh, he's afraid. Those are afraid noises. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, my God. It's always like that or I don't have to edit that part out. Yeah. So all of Casey's going to get flat. I'm going to get demonetized for that. I'm sure YouTube's like like a copyright scrubber will pick that up and source it to some sort of little source it to like
00:08:35
Speaker
you know, my hero academia or something like that. Is that a sound you're familiar with, April? What a sound? That's a sound you're really familiar with, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Casey likes to make it to annoy me.
00:08:50
Speaker
to remind me why I don't delve into the anime community very much. I go I go low with my love groans. I go. Oh, my God. Real guttural. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it hurts. That wasn't enough. OK, great. He likes to make tough guy noises. So it's supposed to sound like a hernia. That's what you're describing. Yeah. Yeah. It's been interesting learning to survive in the desert.
00:09:19
Speaker
He heard someone do a deadlift once and was like, I can make that sound too. Oh my God. Okay. So anyway, it's Christmas time. Can I? Yes. So I have some Christmas content for us today that I think is going to be really fun. Yeah. And the first, so I found the first thing while sourcing the second thing.
00:09:46
Speaker
Um, it was an article on church leaders.com that says, and this is okay. It's you'll see, nevermind. The title of the article is Rudolph, the red nose reindeers plot to ruin Christmas and America written by Kirk Cameron. Kirk has made news in a minute.
00:10:13
Speaker
I was interviewed by some QAnon guy recently about pedophilia in Hollywood. Okay. Oh, we'll have to follow up on that 30 years ago. Yeah, not on the end. He's more on the victim end of it 30 years ago, but sure. Oh, God.
00:10:35
Speaker
Oh, no, no, no, no, I was just making a joke. I was keeping the bit going. That's not in the interview. Kirk base. All right. So I feel like how we have to just finish this up. I'm sorry for derailleting. He pretty much he could tell like you could tell that Kirk wasn't aware who this guy was, who was interviewing him before he was interviewing him. And so he just politely was like, well, I didn't really see any of that, but Hollywood is evil and just kind of launched into his normal. Oh, no. Well, I don't know that Satan uses it in that way, but
00:11:05
Speaker
Let me tell you, he definitely uses it. Well, so this is an article, it's written about a guy named Andrew Torba. Is that a name that you guys are familiar with? No. So he's an ultra conservative web commentator. Self proclaimed ultra.
00:11:27
Speaker
I don't think he would object to that terminology. And it starts off by saying that he turned on the radio a few weeks ago and discovered a secret war on Christmas. Oh, so this is a covert operation. Yeah. This is like the Nick Fury spinoff of war on Christmas. Yeah, it's a real insurgency.
00:11:47
Speaker
So he says it's not the one fought by, quote, libs on the sides of Starbucks cups or in City Bus's destination displays reading Happy Holidays, but by Rudolph Frosty and a few mostly deceased Jewish songwriters.
00:12:04
Speaker
I see where this is going. If you have to call out that they're Jewish, you know, this is going into an interesting area. I'm impressed he said Jewish instead of just like, you know, globalist songwriters or tried to dance around it. He's just going with the hard J. He's a warrior, that's why.
00:12:24
Speaker
He's dark MAGA. He's battle hardened. It says in a November 21st episode of his parallel Christian society podcast,
00:12:35
Speaker
Torba, founder of the alt-right social media platform GAB and co-author of, listen to this book title, Christian Nationalism, a biblical guide for taking dominion and discipling nations. Expressed his dismay at learning that many popular Christmas songs were written by American Jews. He could have just called the book Manifest Destiny the sequel and it would have been just as good.
Anime Critique and Cultural Differences
00:13:01
Speaker
Manifest Destiny 2, camps are cool.
00:13:08
Speaker
It says it's drawing mainly from a review of a kosher Christmas in the Israeli newspaper heretz dating to 2012 Torber recounted how many of the season's most popular songs white Christmas Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Doesn't do it for in a holly-jolly Christmas to name a few were written by
00:13:33
Speaker
Jews. Those songs Torba claimed were part of a conspiracy to kick Christ out of Christmas that turned a celebration of the birth of Jesus into a winter holiday with room for Jews. Knowing this, how could you? And equipped with this knowledge now, how could you allow your household to be filled with this music? Torb Tobra asks his listeners.
00:14:00
Speaker
What music? Jewish music? Like Rudolph music? He denies that Hanukkah is a holiday. Just doesn't exist to him. Oh, yeah, I'm sure he's got plenty of opinions on that. Well, wait. OK, hang on. Yeah, we're getting ahead now. Oh, tortoise suspicions were also raised when he found that along with ruining Christmas, Jews in America celebrate Hanukkah and that American presidents have acknowledged the Jewish holiday.
00:14:30
Speaker
How dare they? Can you imagine? How dare you acknowledge things that exist parallel to you in your life? Has he heard about Kwanzaa yet? Is that coming up? Oh, he's going to say, that was just made up by a person as if other things weren't. Here's his quote on it. Wow. Incredible.
00:14:52
Speaker
Incredible how this happened, he said. In a Christian nation, it takes this relatively minor Jewish holiday and turns it into the prominent holiday that is celebrated in our White House. Isn't that something? He's got a lot of poignant takes on things. Yeah, it's funny because he acts like it's taking over in the sense that people who aren't Jewish celebrate that holiday.
00:15:21
Speaker
It makes sense if he wants to be angry at like, it's stupid, but I can follow the logic pattern if he wants to be angry at like, making Christmas like just a cultural holiday that's devoid of any religious meaning. That's like the classic thing to rail against, which sure, like if you wanna go down the road, I could see why you would take the steps to get there.
00:15:50
Speaker
shouldn't he be more concerned with like atheists and secular people bastardizing his holiday than people celebrating people of a different faith and only that faith exclusively celebrating a holiday that they really have no inter they don't interrupt it went on Christmas traditions in any way at all it's that's pretty interesting like you missed the part where I said Jew
00:16:15
Speaker
Yeah When you say it like that I get I hear it differently. Yeah
00:16:24
Speaker
This is this is like such a classic like Evangelical nut like thing. This is such a great like evangelical tactic for making a point about what you're trying to say. It's like the white Jesse Lee Peterson. Exactly. This is it. Torba cited the Herets article which quoted the last the late American novelist Philip Roth describing White Christmas as a song that took Christ out of Christmas.
00:16:54
Speaker
It's just they always managed to dig up one guy who said something that somehow makes their point in this most roundabout way, and it's therefore indicative of this enormous conspiracy to destroy your family and take your children away. It's like your white relatives quoted Candace Owens.
00:17:18
Speaker
Does he have any thoughts on Mariah Carey writing? All I want for Christmas is you and talking about how all you should want for Christmas is Jesus. Oh, I think about that. You what? Menorah Carey. Oh, Casey. Oh, quote.
00:17:39
Speaker
People who hate and reject Jesus Christ and whose faith and identity centers around that rejection wrote subversive songs to D Christ Christmas, he said. This is a problem and Christians deserve to know about it so they can adjust their listening habits during the Christmas season accordingly.
00:17:58
Speaker
There's such an irony to this, like their belief in that like Christ is all powerful and coming back to judge everybody with a sword and slaughter his enemies and then being like, they left his name out of a song and that ruined everything for me. It's like you can't enjoy anything like you can like
00:18:21
Speaker
compartmentalize almost. It's like, yeah, I can celebrate this as Jesus birthday, but I can also enjoy Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. Just do the same compartmentalization you do when you're buying gifts, setting up a tree, doing all of the other carols that don't mention Jesus, like the 300 different work focused holiday parties we all have to go to. Oh my God.
00:18:42
Speaker
like that's the real christmas ruiner work christmas parties those are all coming up this week for me i have three more days of work left for the year and there's christmas parties on every single one of them and i am not looking forward to it and it just had our christmas party last night and it was uh what it was like it was western themed yeah they called it like jingle bells and blue jeans or something like that i was like
00:19:08
Speaker
It was like rhinestones and something. Did you wear a bolo tie? He did. I did. With a C on it. For Christmas? For Christmas. No, for Christ. Oh, it's for all of those things. I was thinking of a different C word, but that's fine.
00:19:27
Speaker
You're always thinking of that C word. It's a funny word.
Christian Nationalism and Christmas Traditions
00:19:31
Speaker
What is with that? It's because it's so funny. I know it rubs some people the wrong way, but it is that. Oh. Got my mind on my cheese and my cheese on my mind. Well, you are a bit Western.
00:19:50
Speaker
I do love though that like he literally like his explanation of Judaism is so funny. People who hate religious Jesus Christ and whose faith and identity centers around that rejection. That's all it is really when you think about it. A 100% accurate explanation of what Judaism is.
00:20:12
Speaker
But as though everything else that isn't Christian isn't that. That's what's fun. If you're not Christian, you're rejecting that belief. But he's just gonna blame the Jews for being the problem. It's crazy when...
00:20:28
Speaker
I don't know about you guys, but I'm guessing it was pretty similar, a similar upbringing where it's like it within like growing up Christian, I never would have heard a single Christian denigrate the Jewish faith. I would have been like, oh, yeah, they were like so pro. It was like God's. It was very much the God's chosen people. And they if you asked them how that worked,
00:20:49
Speaker
they would really have a hard time like dancing around it because it's like well christians are the but they didn't really know how to explain it and how to like reconcile the new testament with like the jews being god's chosen people in the hebrew bible so you're just like
00:21:06
Speaker
but there was a fondness and there was a reverence and respect for the Jewish faith and it's so interesting to be an adult and see that like I'm guessing this is I mean it has to have always been around because anti-Semitism's tale is all this time but
00:21:22
Speaker
In like these extreme threads of Christianity. I don't I never heard that saw that in Anyway, and it was like if you didn't know there's the Jewish people or Israel it was like You might not even be a true Christian. It was like taking your people like supporting Israel that much it was mostly just supporting the Jewish people like I think I I
00:21:43
Speaker
And it could have just been the small community I came from. I'm sure there were other groups that were much more pro-Israel state, but yeah, it was just the Jewish people. I don't know that I ever sensed any sort of reverence for like the Jewish faith. Casey didn't know what Jews were until he was like 18. You learn about them right after plant reproduction.
00:22:04
Speaker
Yeah. I knew what Newt Gingrich told me, and that was good enough. Casey was listening to a World War II history podcast. It was like, who were these troublemakers? I need to read more about them. He's like, I grew up with bolo ties in revisionist history around Native Americans. I didn't even know who the Jews were. I had a lot to learn when I met Casey. I was like, what? What is a bolo? I have no idea what that is.
00:22:32
Speaker
cultural appropriation if you ask some people. You a cultural appropriator? Oh, no, no. Bullet ties are American institutions. I just had them through Royal Rangers, so I didn't really know anything about them other than Royal Rangers. I don't think I could wear one of those. Yeah, yeah. We didn't wear regular ties. Well, regular ties were with like the dress uniform, the regular uniform that you'd wear each Wednesday night. I think you wear those with your BDUs. Pretty much.
00:23:01
Speaker
And they, uh, get a different color. Like when you move to eat, like new class, there'd be a difference, like, you know, a red one and then a deep brown one and then a green one. Great. Today's a live fire drill. I don't know what any of that is. Uh, well, Rangers is assemblies of God Boy Scouts. Yeah. It's like every time we get into it, it's been great.
00:23:29
Speaker
Yeah, the bottom, like the lowest class or two of Royal Rangers is really similar to a lot of them. And then, okay. And then it goes more of the Boy Scouts direction as you get older. The camping and life skills revolving around being in the woods and all that stuff. Man, I would have enjoyed that when I was younger, but then the girls weren't allowed. Yeah, there was a girls version and I forget what it was called because no one at our church wanted to do it because it sucked. It was pretty much like a homemakers class and none of the girls like they enjoyed it up till they were about like.
00:23:59
Speaker
Well, they enjoyed it up until they're like, they were like eight or nine years old. Cause I mean, it is fun to get together on a Wednesday night and you're like baking bread and so and stuff and whatever. And like that, I mean, that's not not fun, but it just, they didn't really have a progression path past that point. And the Royal Rangers are like, we're going to build bigger fires and survival shelters and go camping all the time. And like Pima Derby races and like that's objectively more fun.
00:24:21
Speaker
Assemblies of gods was just like, you know, when girls turn 12, we can cut out like the fire making class and just go straight to like Le Mans. It was like eight around eight or nine. They just, they remove your ability to use thimbles during sewing class to up the ante and see how tough you are until we hit our thirties. And they were like, you know, what's really awesome? Baking bread and sewing.
00:24:43
Speaker
Exactly. I want to be able to choose when I do it though. That's the thing. That's the key. I haven't made a survival walker in a really long time. I've done a lot more baking than I have doing survival camping. I will say though, you got to hand it to the Rangers dude. The swapping the neckerchief out for bolo ties is
00:25:05
Speaker
That's the move. That's a great move. I want to see, I've been seeing, I think bullet ties are coming around. Like I know regionally, they're more, they've been popular in certain areas of the country, but I'm seeing them more frequently in dress attire.
00:25:22
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. See, I never saw, the only person I ever saw wearing a bolo tie was my grandfather and he was from North Carolina. So that doesn't seem like a very cowboy place either. I guess not. He's a farmer. I don't think it was exclusively a cowboy thing. That's why it started because they stole it from the native Americans.
00:25:45
Speaker
Casey, I feel like this wasn't the point of where you were going with the story. Yes. Tell me more about this esteemed author. Well, OK, so that's really article. Incredible things to get through tonight. So the article turns at that point and they say, OK, the next section, because this kind of took me down a rabbit trail. That was really interesting. Jonathan Sarna, professor of American Jewish history at Brandis University.
00:26:12
Speaker
I gotta be pronouncing that wrong, suggested Christian nationalists such as Torba might want to do a little reading about American history. Firstly, he pointed out, Christmas was not really a part of America's founding. Quote, the Puritans were opposed to Christmas, Sarna said.
00:26:29
Speaker
And this is where it gets interesting. In 1659, leaders of the Massachusetts Bay Colony approved the Penalty for Keeping Christmas, which was a literal piece of legislation that imposed fines on those who feasted or refused to work on the holiday. It wasn't until German immigrants brought Santa, claws, Christmas trees, and songs like Silent Night with them that Americans took up Christmas with gusto.
00:26:57
Speaker
And so I started looking at this, uh, is this a real professor? Okay. And this wasn't going to be like a bait and switch of like a professor of not his history saying things that aren't true. Okay. Yeah. Now this is just wasn't sure that they let Jews be professors. Yeah. Not in my state.
00:27:19
Speaker
This can't be Massachusetts. Massachusetts is a great colony. Yeah, we started it all here. They're a feature in this story. The pure essence sound rocks. So fun. What does it look like? Plymouth Rock? It's a very boring rock. It's not that big. How big is it? This big.
00:27:38
Speaker
If I'm making a circle with my arms and touching my fingertips, it's maybe that big. It's like 18 inches? Like the size of a medium exercise ball. Yeah. There's a cage around it and then it's like in a pit sort of thing. It's kind of like they built a little tower around it, but you can walk around it and you look over the ledge, it's all fenced off, and then over the rock is a gate so people don't chisel chunks of it off.
00:28:07
Speaker
We also have no reason to believe. Allegedly it was bigger, but people maybe chip parts of it off, but it was never a big rock. It was always hilarious. We also told them that that's the actual Plymouth Rock or that there ever was an actual Plymouth Rock that people remembered. Yeah, who's going to authenticate that? I remember Plymouth Rock because I've seen it, so you're wrong, Jeremiah. That's true. That's a good point. They just found it. They just were like, what's the small... How can we ruin every child's imagination?
00:28:36
Speaker
of what Plymouth Rock, because you think of the Mayflower just like crashing upon this giant boulder and it's like, and then you go to Plymouth and you look down at Plymouth Rock and you go, I have bigger rocks in my backyard.
00:28:52
Speaker
And also, like, are we supposed to believe that, like, they just rode the boat up to it and then stepped off onto that specific rock that a building is built around? And then someone remembered that and came back later and was like, we're going to build a museum to this one day. Not like. Because there was Native American blood on it. Maybe some smashed maize. You guys want me to read you this?
00:29:18
Speaker
Yes, please read the story. I can try to read this piece of legislation. Well, really quick, before you do that, bolo ties were invented in the 1940s. Everything you thought you knew was a lie. All right, continue. Are you sure that that's preamble to my era of cowboydom? That's true. They were invented and John Wayne went, I like that, and then the rest is history. Excellent. I'm a rhinestone cowboy, and I'm going to be where the lights are shining on me.
00:29:47
Speaker
I mean, you literally are. You've got, you know, two monitors worth of lights in your face. So congratulations, you made it. I'll rest my case, cowpoke. Okay. So penalty for keeping Christmas, 1659. This is real weird English. All right. So I'm going to work on it. The old English? For preventing disorders arising in surreal places within this jurisdiction.
00:30:17
Speaker
by reason of some still observing such festules as were superstitiously kept in other countries, to the great dishonor of God and offense of others, it is therefore ordered by this court and the authority thereof, that whosoever shall be found observing any such day as Christians or the like, either be force bearing of labor, feasting, or any other way,
00:30:44
Speaker
Upon any such account as foresaid, every person, such person, so offending, shall pay, eery, such offense, phooey, shillings, as a fine to the county. So it's if you celebrate Christmas, yeah, if you celebrate Christmas, we'll find you.
00:31:07
Speaker
Yeah, five chili is apparently like 50 bucks today. The original Scrooge. I wish we could bring back ticketing people who celebrate holidays too much. I actually really like that idea. July 4th is where I want to start. Yeah, that's a great place to start. How about St. Patrick's Day? St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day. That's on my list. Yes, that's always the one that catches me where I'm like, let's go out to eat or something that we forget at St. Patrick's Day because it's not an important holiday. And then people are out just ruining it.
00:31:35
Speaker
Yeah, there's like chicks in like plastic party city, red, orange wigs and like green sequins. And you're just like, go home, go away. In Boston, everyone drinks green beer and flips over cars and sets them on fire. I'm gonna say like, it's just a sweaty white dude being like, I puked green. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's like the only thing that's probably great about
00:31:58
Speaker
me not being in the vicinity of Philly anymore is there's probably some, some fun activities going on over there. They go hard in Philly. Everyone just, yeah, that's like everyone. That's like the weird time of year where everyone just brags about having like one eighth Irish in them and thinks that that gives them an excuse to act like a total fuck for the entire night.
00:32:18
Speaker
Yeah. As opposed to normal. Philadelphia's like north Florida. Yeah. As opposed to how well together Philly's keeping it the rest of the year. Oh no, right. Say my dad used to work in Philly at a supermarket and he had, he always had some fun stories about like tackling people in parking lots who were shoplifting or like chasing people around until they, what?
00:32:47
Speaker
the good old days you mean? Yeah, exactly. Now you're instructed to let people walk away with your product. You go, if you see someone shoplifting, don't do anything. I was annoyed when I was in retail and they're like, you can't do anything if you see someone putting something in their purse, because then they could be like, well, I'm putting it in my purse. So and then I'm going to buy it.
00:33:08
Speaker
and you're supposed to believe them, but I don't believe anybody. No, everyone's alive. I worked at a shoe store when I was in college for a little bit, and my boss, who was roughly my age and a really cool person, was working one day, and she just saw a kid hanging out by a certain section for too long.
00:33:33
Speaker
And as soon as he walked out of the store, she ran over there and went through like all the boxes of shoes. And then finally opened one where the kids old shoes were in the box and he had walked out with the new pair on. So she ran out of the store with the shoes and he like out right outside there was like, if you go to the right, there's like a best buy. And then to the left was like the rest of them all. So apparently he went into the best buy. I don't know if he just, he should have exited through the best buy, but I guess he was just biding his time for a little bit.
00:34:02
Speaker
And he started walking out right when, uh, my boss had run out into the hallway and she saw him and she like ran out and took his old shoes out and whipped him at him. She's like, give him my fucking shoes back. And he's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't tell. He like was afraid he was going to get in so much trouble. So he took the shoes off and gave them back and then just left. Wow. I watched the guy run out of Kohl's with a literal like
00:34:30
Speaker
Like Grinch who stole Christmas stack of shoes in his arms with like somebody trailing after him and he dropped some and then a truck sped up and he jumped like in the, in the open door of the moving truck. It was pretty fun to watch. Shoplifting is so funny. Cause it's like.
00:34:51
Speaker
It's very in the moment like you plan it out. You're like you build up the audacity to actually give that a shot. But you walk away with unless you like get a fistful of jewelry, you walk when you walk away with like, you know, yeah, maybe the shoes are like 100 120 bucks, but you're not the risk doesn't really match the reward for that. I don't think I just feel like there's better ways to be a criminal than shoplifting. I think it's driven not by liquid courage, but by jailcap courage.
00:35:20
Speaker
It's driven by the immediate need to score, so you just have to figure out what to do. Yeah. I remember in middle school, somebody told me that they worked at American Eagle as somebody youth group, and they said that people would go into the dressing rooms and just put on 20 shirts and just walk out the store wearing all of them.
00:35:40
Speaker
Yeah, kids do it. The idea of kids stealing is funny because it's like they just don't have money. And they're like, they also know that there's no real repercussions for it. When you're under 18, you can just do it. And then they still kind of know they still fold when they're confronted. It's like they're all high and mighty until you say, what did you do? I know you did something or just like, oh, no. You're like, I didn't do anything. They're like, then why did you just piss your pants in front of me?
00:36:08
Speaker
Yeah. Why are you wearing 2000 t-shirts? I wouldn't have cared about the repercussions from the store. I would have been terrified of the repercussions from my parents. Right. Oh, I know. It wouldn't matter what the authorities can do to me. I have to go home. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Shoplifting Stories and Reflections
00:36:21
Speaker
The idea of responding to getting caught like shoplifting is wedding like four pairs of pants at once though is pretty funny.
00:36:28
Speaker
Yeah, I stole something exactly once. I was like seven. And we were actually at the house of one of my dad's employees. And they had these like decorative turtle shells out by their mailbox. It looks better than that. Sounds like old turtle shells. They've been cleaned and painted or something. And it was technically stealing. Yeah, I think turtle shells. So exactly. But it was not like a painted turtle, like a turtle shell that they had painted.
00:36:58
Speaker
I could have been more specific there because painted turtles are a thing. And these were all turtles that died from getting straws stuck up their noses, right? Probably, probably. And so, you know, I was seven. I don't think I was consciously trying to steal something. I just liked it. And I picked it up and brought it home. And when my mom found out, of course, I got a spanking and then I had to wait until my dad got home and I got a stern talking to from him. And then he drove me back to their house. And at the age of seven, I had to present it back to them and give them an apology.
00:37:25
Speaker
for stealing from them, and that worked. That was it from age of seven. I was like, I'll never do this again. This is the worst experience of my entire life. The forced apology is brutal. Because I had to anticipate it all day long, too. I stole it late morning, and so it was all afternoon. I'm just walking around the yard thinking about the rest of my life is over. You're done for me.
00:37:49
Speaker
When I was in high school, the only other person I dated for a very short period of time before my wife was, I knew a girl through youth group who brought her friend who I was like, I don't even know if I really liked her. I was just a child and I knew that she liked me and I was so like homeschooled and desperate. That's a classic. Yeah, anyone who's like, they like you. I'm like, then I like them too. You just go for it.
00:38:17
Speaker
uh so we hung out at the mall a couple times whatever i would went to like a school dance with her i can't imagine this was more than like a few week thing four or five weeks maybe at most unless i could be remembering it for less uh as less time than it was but the honeymoon period was over we went jesse uh my buddy jesse was actually there i wonder if he remembers this um we went to the mall and
00:38:44
Speaker
I think we were at a hot topic and there was like a pin there that it was like, oh, that pin sick. And she's like, just take it. And I'm like, I'm not taking it. She's like, she just she took it. She just put it in her pocket and then we left and she like, I couldn't take it. I was like, I can't. It's still a merchant. I can't take that. Like, I was like, I felt like it was like, I don't know, like,
00:39:10
Speaker
a diseased blanket that you just say, I'm not touching that. Like you just contaminated. Yeah, I was. I don't know what I thought would happen if I took it. I think Jesse might have taken it. I think he did because he had all the pins on his guitar strap and shit. I think he might just add it to that. And I was like, I don't know. It was like it's stealing the Ark of the Covenant. You're just like, I'm not supposed to have this.
00:39:32
Speaker
And I even considered, I was like, do I still like this person? But of course, my desperate me was like, yes, of course, I need this in my life at this point. I need this validation that I'm not going to be alone forever. This is maybe something that is
00:39:55
Speaker
I don't know. I'm losing my words. It's like that first day of dating someone, you're like, okay, this can happen. This is something that can happen in my life. But man, it's a warning sign.
00:40:07
Speaker
I mean, sure, she might be a criminal, but she's paying you positive attention. Right. So I had to balance it out. Yeah. And then after my sense of pride overruled everything. Yeah. And then after a few weeks, I essentially got dumped. So it was whatever way. That feels like there's probably an important distinction there.
00:40:28
Speaker
Yeah. Well, it was just weird. We just had very different friends groups. It was just kind of like, uh, this isn't a thing, but yeah, I shouldn't say, okay. I got, I did get dumped essentially as a weird word to add in there, but
00:40:43
Speaker
well i was wondering what's the sign else a guy from driver's ed yeah when i was like 12 and got dumped by my 12 year old girlfriend it was like her calling her friend to call one of my friends to tell me like i figured you met something like that where like i guess i got dumped hey respect to her she was the one that was just like i don't think
00:41:01
Speaker
I don't think this is like, I don't think we should keep doing this. Yeah, at least you didn't ghost you. Yeah, I was like, I mean, I wasn't like, I knew it was like, it was just one of those you knew it wasn't gonna work. It was just like I said, different friends groups, we weren't, I don't know, it didn't match that well. But I was just I would never have called anything off. I was just so thankful that someone was interested in me.
00:41:26
Speaker
Uh, yeah, I was such a fucking simp about it, but, you know, I, I was also never, I was always the dumpy, never the dumper. Yeah. And it's not because you didn't know it should end. It's because you were just a, you couldn't accept the fact that you weren't with somebody and you were just like, I'm never going to have anyone pay attention to me again. So I guess we were
00:41:51
Speaker
I was the April in my relationships, or you were the Sam in yours, so I get it. Either way. I feel like there'd be a good podcast series about what has low self-esteem made you do. I think a lot of those end the same, and it would be very sad. It would be pretty sad. I have a lot. It made me write terrible songs. Now, that's not how I would classify your songs that I've read.
00:42:20
Speaker
I think they're very fun. Have I read you any of them? I don't think I have. You didn't read them because you sang them. Serenaded him.
00:42:33
Speaker
I never wrote any tunes. I could only write the words. I could never think of melodies. Do they, they became, uh, poison written lyrics? Oh, I wish. That's where Casey would write songs about me. He's like, I'm not going to write lyrics. This is intended to be slam poetry. I mean, I, I almost had a song about me, but it wasn't a nice one, but not by Casey, but Casey didn't write these songs. Wow. I didn't write anyone's songs. So there was that. No, he didn't.
00:43:04
Speaker
Casey was just the sex pot front man. He just propped up for it. Bubble, baby. Everyone wanted to spank you when you turned around and prayed with your band. No, Sam, I don't think everyone wanted to. Everyone wanted to. I just want away so many flies.
00:43:26
Speaker
Okay, so we have left here cuz we got some other back in yes, okay, so this this is super interesting and I Think this is one of the one of the greatest Christmas stories ever guy
00:43:40
Speaker
So it led me to this Wikipedia page where it's talking about Christianity and Christmas and how they interact and stuff. And it says, prior to the Victorian era, Christmas was primarily a religious holiday observed by Christians of the Roman Catholic, Anglican, and Lutheran denominations.
00:44:00
Speaker
So, so the Puritans on the other end, which the Puritans, everything about the Puritans makes them sound horrible. Oh yeah. They were, basically their entire disposition was, Oh, the Catholics do that. We don't. That's their, that was their entire life was like, Oh, they celebrate that. We're going to do something different.
00:44:18
Speaker
Oh man, you nailed it so hard. It says, the Puritans on the other hand, objected to Christian feast of Christmas during the English interregnum when England was ruled by a Puritan parliament. Puritans sought to remove elements they viewed as unbiblical from their practice of Christianity, including those feasts established by the Anglican church. Unbiblical, AKA Catholic, yeah. Right.
00:44:44
Speaker
In 1647, the Puritan-led English Parliament banned the celebration of Christmas, replacing it with a day of fasting. Oh, my God. What a bunch of fucking dudes. There, here come the Puritans. Always fun. And considering it a, quote, pope-ish festival with no biblical justification and a time of wasteful and immoral behavior. Like eating.
00:45:15
Speaker
Eating but it brings you happiness, which is a sin. Yeah, you put a little senseless merriment.
00:45:22
Speaker
a little sugar that you got from a slave labor plantation in your yellow mush for the day, since it's Christmas and all. I mean, happiness is like a gateway drug to laziness. Everyone knows this. So true. You sounded pretty puritanical. Puritans dislike traditions that inverted social hierarchies such as... Oh, there it is. ...maidsailing, in which the rich... The opposite of Jesus.
00:45:48
Speaker
which the rich were expected to give to the poor on demand and which with alcohol, with the addition of alcohol sometimes turned into violent intrusions, which that I would love to see that YouTube video. Well, it's like the Puritans, they're not wrong. I mean, you can't invert the social order, give people a bunch of alcohol. Yeah, probably got violent, but probably got awesome. But they're saying that. Yeah, sounds loud.
00:46:17
Speaker
It does. Protests followed as pro-Christmas rioting broke out in several cities. Pro-Christmas rioting. For weeks, Canterbury was controlled by the rioters who decorated doorways with holly and shouted Royalist slogans. It's like the Red Sox winning the World Series in Boston.
00:46:41
Speaker
This would be an amazing Christmas comedy movie. I can't believe no one's done this yet. The Christmas riots, pro Christmas rioters like decking the halls. Oh, I guess that's what you have to call the movie. What was the what was the like the the.
00:46:57
Speaker
the emancipated zone in Seattle that- Oh, I know what you're talking about, not the DMZ, the- District nine. Yeah. It wasn't district nine.
00:47:16
Speaker
So this is the boat, the vindication of Christmas. Okay. The, um, the Capitol Hill autonomous zone. Sorry. Chaz. Chaz. Oh yeah. Dude, that worked for three days and then people got shot. Like it literally took three days to turn into Thunderdome. But you remember they had like
00:47:42
Speaker
They had their own guards, armed guards that they stationed outside the zone. There was a couple of white nationalist dude that tried to roll up on Chaz with weapons and they got lit up. I don't remember the story all the way, but I remember it was a couple of
00:48:05
Speaker
loser proud boy types or something like that. They tried to roll up in there in their car with like weapons and stuff and they just got torn up by these like quote unquote security guards. That's pretty sick. If only it was on Christmas, it would have been just a little bit better. I know. So basically, yeah, it
00:48:30
Speaker
There's like a whole story behind that. It was kind of like part of the second phase of the civil war or something like that in England. I don't know the history well, but. Called the plum pudding riots. The plum pudding riots. Is that not the best thing you've ever heard? That is so good. That is the most English thing I've ever heard. Bad.
00:48:56
Speaker
So yeah, that that is the real war on Christmas. And people like this this jerk off, whatever his name is. Why was it called the did the pores eat plum pudding? Is that why it was like a food? But it was for poor people, because there was a whole like flipping class upside down. Was that like something that like, oh, poor people ate or is that I'm sure like figgy pudding was something that you would kill like a rich Englishman to get because it was some sort of policy.
00:49:25
Speaker
The rich ate the fig pudding, and then the poor people ate the plum pudding. I don't know. What is happening with Jeremiah right now? Did you fall down off your chair? No, I was just dropping my desk down into sitting. Sorry, I was trying to do that without making it a whole thing. Well, I was in a mirror. This nerd's rope of a spine is starting to ache. Basically, I was standing because it was hurting. It looked like your mic was rising up into the air, but you were actually just lowering.
00:49:54
Speaker
Sorry, I was trying. Oh, it's a standing desk. My back was hurting too much to sit earlier. So I was like, I'll start the podcast. I probably, I should probably sit with one of those harnesses on because like, I'm just like, man, why is my back hurt? And then I sit
Church Experiences and Cultural Practices
00:50:09
Speaker
at the computer like this and I sit at my sewing machine like this.
00:50:12
Speaker
Yep. Yep. And I'm supposed to do anything but lean forward and like, put your lean back. Yep. And that's most what I do is like lean forward and curl my back. Like take a page of the fat Joe's book. Some sort of like contraption where you hang by your head in the closet at night. Like Steve Urkel trying to get taller. I mean, that's what traction is. Like I, they are actually doing that where they, they put me on a table and they strap you down and they just pull your back. Oh, that sounds amazing. I would love that.
00:50:42
Speaker
I'm up to an inch and a half at a time. Like they're pulling it for like 10 minutes. Whoa. That would be life changing for me. Back up. They have not made me an inch and a half taller. They're pulling me an inch and a half at a time. Like there's still a lot.
00:51:05
Speaker
It is, but it's not like a permanent height extension. I don't think I'm doing a good job explaining it. No, you're doing a great job explaining it. It just doesn't feel like humans have an extra inch and a half in them to stretch without something snapping. That's all. That's true. Well, I don't know. Casey and I was talking about the medieval torture about how the stretching table would feel really great for about 10 seconds. What was that one called? The Rack of Rack. The Rack of Rack. I don't want that in my house. It's like... It does feel really good.
00:51:34
Speaker
When I leave, though, it does feel really good every time I finish an appointment. We're like, my back is sore for a day or two after that, but I definitely feel a little taller. It feels like everything is just better. Oh, I need to try this. Oh, man. Sam, I think you have faithfully secured the obscure reference of the episode thing with Rack of Rack Woolley. I don't know if I'll ever live up to your standards for obscure references, but I appreciate that.
00:52:05
Speaker
I adjust my bolo tight to you. That's okay. Casey's conversations. Yeah. So that was, that was, um,
00:52:18
Speaker
That was the gist of the story. But I feel like that the plum pudding riots were the actual war on Christmas and people like Andrew Torba, this jerk off. He's it's basically stolen valor to count himself as a part of the war on Christmas. Well, I think it's funny about it. Is it like.
00:52:38
Speaker
that actually would work for their agenda a little bit if they wanted it to. Like there was an actual war on Christmas of people not wanting you to celebrate Christmas. And they didn't want you to not celebrate Christmas. I mean, it had nothing to do with like any of the Christian aspects of the holiday, but still you can make that work. Like that is a ripe opportunity that they're just ignoring to go after like Starbucks for the 15th year in a row. Yeah. Like, Oh, again? All right.
00:53:04
Speaker
I think Stolen Valor is the best way to, I mean he's trying to reignite these ideas that are as old as our country and it's just sad that he doesn't have, you know what, I think it's sad that none of us have that grasp on American history because we're all pointing fingers at this Torba guy being like, what an idiot.
00:53:25
Speaker
And he is, but we probably all have the same, we probably had a pretty like equal understanding of Puritan history and Christmas. Cause I had no idea they didn't celebrate it and that they were actively against it. But it is, I mean, it is a safe bet to go when the Puritans arrived, if the Catholics did it, they hated it. And so they just rolled with that through everything until they eventually lost the culture war.
00:53:54
Speaker
Like you can still have fun. You can fast. Yeah. I would feel very sorry for the first high school history teacher to be like, Hey kids, today we're going to learn the Puritan history of Christmas in like some small town community and wait for the first kid to go home and tell it to their parents. Yeah. You'd have a bunch of Christians finally being like, we can't teach Christian history in schools. Change their tune completely.
00:54:19
Speaker
Well, are we ready to get on to the, uh, the main event? Yeah. The main event. This is honestly beautiful. So, uh, I was sitting around thinking.
00:54:35
Speaker
about, you know, what's some fun things that we could do on the show. And I thought, man, I bet you there's just tons and tons of, like, Christian play scripts and stuff online that you can download. You know, it's like somebody's ministry to write, like, puppet dialogue and post it for free. So you can torrent it. For my puppet ministry.
00:55:01
Speaker
There actually was a section on the website that I found this on that was like puppet place. Were any of you all in puppet ministry at your church? Yeah, I went to a conference. I didn't go to a conference and I didn't do it on a mission trip, but I did complete the training program and get a certificate. You minored in puppetry? You were able to just do the timing for the mouth good.
00:55:32
Speaker
Well, you're doing it wrong, Sam, because I saw the top of your hand going up and it should just be. You have to do it on the bottom, right? Yeah. It should just be the thumb. Yeah. The bottom of the mouth is the one that opens. Exactly. When you talk, you're not like. Sam's forgotten. It's not. April and Jerry are classically trained.
00:55:50
Speaker
Yeah. Very useful in daily life. My thumb pops now when I do this. So that's another fun part of my thirties, I guess. I can feel a tendon getting angry at me down here. Oh, aging.
00:56:07
Speaker
Sorry, Casey. So you're going to stand up from your chair after this discussion and it's just going to sound like a bag of marbles being dumped on the floor. I'm 100% going to be going to the living room to do my PT exercises and then lay on the couch. That's absolutely what's happening. That sounds Casey is all of his vertebrae falling out of his asshole. I make Casey grab my back like two times a day and it sounds like that every time. Yeah, she's broken too.
00:56:37
Speaker
Yeah. Crackling. All right. So, all right. So today, today's theatrical performance is called A Super Christmas. And it was written by Vanessa Unte. She is a student at Western Washington University and the Youth Minister at Christ the Servant Lutheran Church in Bellingham, Washington. That's a Puritan sounding church name, if I've ever heard one. Yeah. Did you say what year this is from? I hated the Lutherans.
00:57:06
Speaker
I think this is fairly recent at least given some of the like subject matter. Oh, there's no And this is all Casey, I think you're the only one who's familiar with what we're about to go through where all everyone else is reading it on the fly. Yes, I've seen the first couple lines, but that's it.
00:57:28
Speaker
Same. Okay, so let's just go through the cast real quick because we're all doing multiple characters here. Wait, did you explain what it was? It's a Christmas play.
00:57:39
Speaker
Yeah, and it's, it's, uh, it involves, it's, you know, there's, you gotta, you gotta kind of meet the kids where they're at. And what do kids like kids like superheroes, right? So this is about, uh, the, like the justice league or the super friends or whoever.
00:57:59
Speaker
It really isn't like, delineated by Marvel or DC. They kind of just threw everybody into a mixing pot here. So this is like the Marvel versus Capcom of Christmas plays. Yeah, it's a mix of worlds. It's definitely not licensed appropriately. No. Yeah.
00:58:19
Speaker
And they are preparing for, they're basically finding out about about Christmas. So playing the role of Superman will be me. Of course. Wonder Woman. Superman is definitely the worst superhero by far. So well, no, there was some pretty lame ones back in the day. Yeah, there's some pretty awful. There's a lot of. Ant-Man is a superhero, so.
00:58:45
Speaker
Do you remember the Wonder Twins? No. It always gets worse. They were pretty lame. Okay, so I will be Superman. Wonder Woman will be played by April. Spider-Man will be played by Sam. Nice. I've always wanted to play Spider-Man with my friends. Hulk will be played by Jeremiah. Hulk smash.
00:59:15
Speaker
Batman will be played by Sam. Who are you? That's terrible. I'll never do that again. Catwoman will be played by April as well as Mary the mother of our Lord.
00:59:31
Speaker
Hey, this is getting good. All right. I will be. Yeah, there's crossover here. So this is I will be fanfic style shit. Really? I will be playing the role of Joseph because I'm not willing to put strain on my marriage by letting one of you play Joseph. You get to be Joseph and Superman. That's pretty narcissistic of you to give yourself those roles. I stack that band who's I think the coolest superhero.
01:00:01
Speaker
Yeah. He's right up there for sure. It's every man's fantasy, unprocessed trauma and being really rich. And then beating people up in your spare time without any accountability. That's my dream. Beating people up or the grappling hook? Yes, without any repercussions. I gave you a pretty cool part. You get to be shepherd number one. Okay.
01:00:26
Speaker
I will also be shepherd. I better be Christ first. You're like the, uh, you're like the bad employee shepherd. Oh. And, uh, Jeremiah will be the voice of an angel. Aw. Who's, uh, voicing Trump? Who has the lips of an angel? Trump. We'll just assume that the angel is actually Trump.
01:00:50
Speaker
Okay, great. I'm sure there is a Christmas play script available online that has Trump as a prominent character in it. Like I'd be willing to bet money. There's got to be at least a bad Saturday Night Live skit. Yeah. So it says there's a huddle of superheroes. They create a semi everybody got their script ready. Yeah. Are we are between voices?
01:01:18
Speaker
You better know we're doing voices. I already tried out my Batman. And are we pausing for color commentary or are we trying to do this as a pretty straight read? We can pause.
01:01:33
Speaker
If there's anything this podcast is good at, it's staying on track and being time sensitive. Yeah, we're great at that. It's also, we're gonna, before we read this little script here, we're gonna pause for a quick pee break. Oh, you prick. I got the... Well, it's not going into his pants, that's good.
Humorous Christmas Play and Superhero Recruitment
01:01:53
Speaker
I know, I'm not using one of my empty beer bottles. Yeah, I don't hear the sound of aluminum. Wow. No, I mute my video and my sound when I do that.
01:02:04
Speaker
Okay. Everybody ready? Oh my God. I'm super ready. Super. There is a huddle of superheroes. DSC. I don't know what DSC is. It's in here several times. I don't know if anyone knows. I think the creator thinks that's what like DC is. That could be. DC Comics. They create a semicircle and are busily talking loud and frantic.
01:02:33
Speaker
All right, me as Superman. Order, order! I call this meeting of superheroes to order. The group is quieted with groans. As some of you have heard, there is a rumor going around that a new superhero is coming to Earth. They say that he is coming to save the world and that he receives his power from the big G-O-D.
01:03:03
Speaker
I've heard the same thing. What does this mean? We save the earth. We have been here for years. What does this guy think he's doing? That's me as the Hulk, I guess. Nice job. Oh, yeah. Probably should announce that at some point. I thought it was obvious. OK. I think it's obvious. But April is about to come in as Wonder Woman and she's going to have to delineate between Wonder Woman and whatever other voice she's doing. All right. So figure it out, April. I make them both sound like bimbos. Who cares?
01:03:33
Speaker
I wish you wanted to make one of them really southern. Do one southern and do one like ditzy as fuck. Okay, fine. I'll do Wonder Woman, Ditzy, and Catwoman can be a southern lady. Okay. Do we even know who this guy or woman is? Doesn't he know that that's our job? Come on, man. Now you have to make a quick transition. This is like metalcore going from screaming to singing.
01:04:05
Speaker
I just played 60 hours of Spider-Man 2, so I should be able to channel some level of Peter Parker. Sticky young boy. Casey's favorite. He's very sticky. My emphysema's acting up. It's going to take three years to read this.
01:04:26
Speaker
All right. Yeah. Okay. I know. We're going to be here all night. This is the closer. So if anyone gets tired of it, they can just disappear. I guess. Who is this sin? I don't know this. No, that sucks. Fuck you, Peter. That's not good, Peter. I'll do my best. Who is this sin? I don't know this evil villain. Catwoman. Is he one of your arch nemesis? Okay. Okay.
01:04:55
Speaker
No, I don't know him, but I know that I could take him down and probably better than this new guy. I don't think they know anything about the character of cat woman. I don't think she has arch nemesis. I don't think she takes people down. I mean, she covertly takes them down, you know, super friends. Yeah, she just steals from them. It's fine. Can you throw in a meow here and there?
01:05:22
Speaker
You're a pervert now Superman's always been kind of a pervert a little bit x-ray vision. Yeah Okay, okay Let's calm down everyone. We don't know if this guy is going to take our jobs He might be here to help us as well as the rest of the world
01:05:43
Speaker
Well, I don't need any help. Did you see me crush that bad guy last week? I saved a bus full of school children with one hand. That's not the same voice I did last time, is it? I don't remember what I did. It's in the same thing. It's versatile. Yeah, we'll roll it. Batman raises a hand for a high five. I didn't see that bad. You were awesome. But I think the next time you could.
01:06:13
Speaker
Whoa, slow down, guys. Let's focus on this new guy. We can share our glory stories later. She's like a grandma. Do we know when this new guy is supposed to show up? I feel like that was much better, Spider-Man. Still not good, but that was better than before. Sticky boy enthusiasm. Yeah. I've heard as early as Christmas Day. That's tomorrow. No way. Christmas can't be tomorrow. It's really Christmas Eve? Yes, Hulk, tomorrow. I think the muscles are cutting off circulation to your brain.
01:06:44
Speaker
That was a Catwoman response. This means we have to act fast. I think he's playing the Lego Batman voice, I'm pretty sure. Job? I mean, Willard. Willard, yeah. We have to fucking ask why, learn what his weaknesses are, and find out his enemies. What if he has a sidekick? We have so much to do.
01:07:13
Speaker
Well then we better start tracking this big guy down and the superheroes exit. I must be peeking when I do Batman. There's no chance of that. No, you're pulling the waveform. It doesn't sound like it actually. I mean, the waveform looks a little peaky, but I don't know. How would you tell it's Batman's voice? It'll be fine. It's going to be a straight thing back. Sam's waveform always looks like this for some reason.
01:07:38
Speaker
Yeah. It looks like a 9.5 on the Richter scale. Oh my gosh. I think it's just your mic. It just picks up a lot. Okay. How should I do Mary? Should I do Mary really annoying or Mary like weak and not weak, like weak. That's what I mean. Or should I make her be like a Karen? I'd be like smoking pregnant lady at the DMV. Oh no. Like gravelly vocal fry.
01:08:07
Speaker
Oh yeah. Do the ASMR vocal fry. Oh, like a Kardashian boys. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay. Okay. So she's going to be a ditz as well. So, okay. Fun. All right. Mary and Joseph walk. I think it's like stage, right? Or something, something stage, right? DSR. Oh, maybe I'll look that up. Yeah, that sounds right. Kind of like the direction. Um,
01:08:33
Speaker
Okay, I'm so tired. Can we just book a room somewhere? I'm so tired of this walking thing. Oh, only a bit further, love. I'm sorry that the holiday inn was full, but I don't know we would be traveling this deep into the holiday season. Don't get huffy at me. I didn't ask if I wanted to flee my home or if I wanted to become the mother of God's son. Oh yes, dear, I know.
01:09:03
Speaker
How did this happen again? You were so frightened when you came to me. This is the second time you've been pregnant with God's son. This I've got, I'm feeling like, uh, like a couple different Duluth. Yeah, I was going to say South Dakota or Canada. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes. Well, an angel came from God to me in Nazareth. He told me to get excited because God chose me to bear his son.
01:09:31
Speaker
I'm to call him Jesus. I was so scared, but then the angel said, do not be frightened, for this means God will always be with me. I'm still nervous and unsure about this whole thing. What if I'm not right? What if I'm not going to be a good mother to God's son? We still have four more. We've done two of six pages. We're doing great. We're doing great.
01:09:56
Speaker
God's given her the same pitch that like, Kristalia gave chicks he was trying to like, be like, it's real honored to go backstage. Mary, Mary, Mary, stop your worrying and breathe. God chose you for a reason, you know. And he chose me as your husband for a reason. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.
01:10:25
Speaker
And then the superheroes swarm from, yeah. Under stage left. Under stage left. Under stage left. Looking under things, behind things, under cloaks, et cetera. Under cloaks? Ew! Just looks under Mary's cloak, Joseph's cloak. Batman definitely did that. The world's greatest detective. Well, we haven't found him yet. This superhero sure knows how to hide himself.
01:10:54
Speaker
Or maybe he is in disguise. The Hulk, it says, lifts a large object, i.e. house, and I hate to be pedantic, but it should be e.g. house. So I guess he ruins someone's home. I've turned over everything and he sure isn't hiding under anything. Hulk, put that down. Do you really think the man who saves the world would be hiding under a house?
01:11:16
Speaker
This sucks so bad. Anyway, I'm tired of looking. Maybe he has a weakness like tuna or catnip or those little squeaky mice or those darn little balls of light that you never can catch. Whoa, down, kitty. Casey, I don't think I've ever hated you more.
01:11:43
Speaker
This is your shining moment. You're by far doing the best. I know. We don't know that stuff yet. Maybe these fine people have heard something about him. I'll go ask. Batman starts walking. Then Superman puts out his arms and strides ahead.
01:12:11
Speaker
Excuse me, you fine citizens, but do you happen to know of a new superhero? A new superhero? No. Joseph, have you? I gotta say, I'm a little shocked. No, no way. Are you really Superman? Oh my goodness and Wonder Woman and the Hulk and and and
01:12:38
Speaker
Oh, get a hold of yourself. No, we haven't. Do you know of a place we could stay? Apparently all the inns are full. I know a man down by the road who has a nice stable. You could ask if he knows of a place. Spider-Man's getting better. Oh, I'm still just so shocked. Wow, you guys are all my heroes. You saved the world like every day. And you're here right now.
01:13:06
Speaker
It's this, we know we're pretty powerful. It says Joseph comes. Does the anime screech? All of us for the first time. In striking fierce poses. So you can interpret the fear, however you want there. Wonder Woman. Oh, Wonder Woman. Oh, OK. Oh, my. Miss, are you pregnant? You're not supposed to ask me.
01:13:33
Speaker
I'm due almost any day. It may even be tonight. Oh, there's nothing better than a baby. Says that woman. Just like training myself very quickly. I think you delineated pretty well. OK. Oh, I hope we run into you again. I would love to hold your baby. That sounds like a threat. Is there a baby around because I like holding them?
01:14:02
Speaker
I like holding them down. Oh, can you just do your lines? Okay. No, no, I'd like to hear Superman riff on this for a little bit longer. I want to hear what this is. Sometimes they squirm and sometimes they cry, but I just hold them down. I never let them up. That's what we need to say next holiday at dinner. So then the hoax says me too. I love to rock babies to sleep.
01:14:30
Speaker
And you're sure you don't crush them? Yes, that would be nice. I'm sure I'll need all the help I can get. You would come see us again? Oh wow. And then I faint. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? What are you going to name him? It's a boy and his name shall be Jesus.
01:15:01
Speaker
This is a superhero's gift. Intense size. And Joseph is revived. Joseph sucks so bad. Wow. Isn't it funny, like even in this like watered down terrible story, like Mary's contempt for Joseph shines through. Well, my feet are getting sore. I think that will give the man with the stable a try. Good luck with your search for this superhero. Uh-huh.
01:15:29
Speaker
Congrats on your baby. I'm so excited for you. Good luck with the baby. Baby, don't forget. Let me hold it. All right, so here's the stage left. This is a hubbub of noise. Time for the shepherd boys to come in. All right, shepherds. He's going to be really, really good. So we got to draft new accents. What am I going to do? What am I going to do?
01:15:57
Speaker
Hmm. I'm going to be Tom DeLong. Tom DeLong Shepherd. Hi. I'm going to be.
01:16:10
Speaker
Scott Stapp. That was a bold move. Yeah, it was Scott Stapp. For this job, it was so lame. It's a musical. Great. Hey, I wouldn't complain. It's paying for your data. Plan for that fancy phone. Heaven forbid you couldn't text on the job.
01:16:36
Speaker
Everyone's exiting right now. There's like two pages of this. How long is this? We're like two-thirds of the way. I walked into that one. I think I ran into that one. Long enough. You think you're so funny.
01:17:05
Speaker
No, seriously, this job is so boring. Nothing exciting ever happens. I mean all my friends
Christmas Eve Contemplations and Traditions
01:17:16
Speaker
work at Starbucks and get coffee for free. And what do I get? I get to watch over.
01:17:27
Speaker
Bob night and shovel sheep poop crows. But where are they shumbling the poop though? They're pooping out in the field. Why do they need to shovel it? That's a fertilizer. Yeah, that is a valid question. Look, let Scott Stapp do his ballads, OK? I think Scott doesn't know anything about sheep. But he knows everything about rock and roll, so just stay out of his way. Well,
01:17:54
Speaker
Oh, come on. It isn't that bad. It's clear night on Christmas Eve, which it's also like, it's, it's, Jesus isn't born yet. I guess we're just a little preemptive. Is that a pagan thing? Yeah, that must be to solve this or something. I'm done.
01:18:20
Speaker
You could just stare out into the black sky full of stars and really appreciate the wonder that God created. I don't think we can keep this bit going. It's pretty tough. It's taking you a really long time. That would be very long. Very timed along. And I'm also starting to get concerned for whether or not my entire family can hear what the fuck is going on in here. I'm getting a little self-conscious about it. Yeah, I work while you lost your voice. That'll be good.
01:18:48
Speaker
I was playing the part of a Shepard, Spider-Man, and Batman in a Christmas play online. You're one of those God people. Well, yeah, I guess I am. I mean, I don't know. I have heard that God is sending his son to save us from our sin. There wasn't a single person during this time that wasn't a God person. Who's just the voice?
01:19:14
Speaker
Yeah, that's Jeremiah voice at the angel. Oh, yeah, you got that right? Shepherds other in fear and scream. Who is that? I'm trained in karate and I'm not afraid to use it Better question martial art that was had not made its way out to see a Master of karate and friendship to everyone. Oh
01:19:42
Speaker
Karate was invented in Louisiana by a guy with a rat tail though. Better question. Where are you? Casey, you can't be Tom DeLong up till this point and then not, where are you? When you get to the back of the play, are you kidding me? I thought my voice should have revived the pit for just a sec. Where are you?
01:20:07
Speaker
So, uh, uh, a spotlight is supposed to shine down on our face. Um, from the kid who's too old for youth group, but he still comes for some reason. He's in the balcony doing the spotlight. And we cheated their eyes. I'm right here. Do not be afraid. I'm an angel from God. I bring you good news. Sheesh lay off the glare. My.
01:20:36
Speaker
Miley Cyrus called and she wants her sequined bodysuit back. Miles Cyrus got nothing on my shine, brother, but I have to tell you that Jesus, the son of God was born tonight. Rick Joyce, Emmanuel, the savior of the universe, is born tonight here in Bethlehem. I like the added syllables to words. That's nice. That's a nice touch. Yes. You're like, you're like the, the, the heavenly host angel, baby Billy.
01:21:07
Speaker
Oh my gosh. People wouldn't be so scared when they get talking to angels, if they just sounded like their waitress down at the cracker barrel. Like they're on an episode of baby bellies Bible bonkers. Yeah. Oh my gosh. The disarming Southern angel here to kill your first born. Oh my goodness. Are you serious? How exciting? Where is he? Can I go see him?
01:21:36
Speaker
Yes, please do follow his star by night and you will find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes. All right. Let me explain what following the star means. You look at that star. You're just going to walk towards it. You can't because it's up in the air, but imagine you're just going to. All right. Here's a sundial. All right. Let me explain how the sundial. No. All right. I'm going to bail out of the bit back. You're going off script, Jeremiah. I don't.
01:22:02
Speaker
I don't know what swaddling clothes mean, but I'm assuming when I see the baby, I'll know I'm in the right place. But what does this mean? Why is this baby such a big deal? All right. So God sent his son, Jesus, so we could be forgiven of our sins. Not we meaning me. I don't have to actually be forgiven. I'm an angel. You need to be forgiven of your sins. When we do bad things or make bad choices, we're standing against God. When we sin, we're moving away from God.
01:22:30
Speaker
But God loves us so much that he's willing to send his only begotten son to us so that even when we do sin, we are forgiven. It's called grace. Isn't that great? As the angel describes the opposite of grace in the previous few sentences. That's nice. That's a nice touch. Grace is like when Superman does not hold your baby because we all have them. Or Hulk. When Hulk doesn't smash it.
01:22:58
Speaker
Wow, God's love is amazing. I know a congregation in Renton, Washington that knows a thing or two about that grace thing. They have some crazy pastor always talking about it.
01:23:14
Speaker
Man, that sounds like a reference. That sounds like a reference that would have just killed in the right, in the right company. All right. Don't you worry. We know that congregation too. And that crazy Kirby guy, don't worry. He's going to be indicted on charges in the next three years and just wait. It'll be for his activity. I'm prophesying on a, on a, it seems like a January six.
01:23:39
Speaker
You mean Pastor Kirby that's not allowed to close his door? I don't get how sending a baby is going to help though. How is he going to stop me from sinning? Oh, he's a real powerful baby. So you've seen all those superheroes, right? Well, imagine he's like more powerful than that. In fact, he's going to use the power of building a relationship with God.
01:24:03
Speaker
He will be a way for us to see God and know that he loves us. It's a matter of how far we try to move away from God. Jesus will be there to remind us that God will never give up on us. Uh, but seriously, get a move on over to the stable. That's, that's the star right over there. Go out. And then the superheroes enter looking weary from their frantic searching.
01:24:27
Speaker
Excuse me, fine shepherds. Have you heard anything about a new superhero that is coming to save the Earth? We've been looking all day for him. We're tired. Where is he? We're scared he's going to take our jobs. You have to do that. Yeah, sending the son of God to Earth to take our jobs.
01:24:59
Speaker
Whoa, first angel, now superheroes? Maybe this job isn't so lame after all. I don't know anything about a new superhero, but did you hear that God's son was born tonight? Wait, did you say God's son? That's our guy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hulk. We have not been searching for a baby. How could a baby save the world? I don't really get it either, but we're just gonna weirdly believe this and just go see.
01:25:26
Speaker
I just want to see this super baby god thing. Exit. Everyone exits. Jesus Christ. I just want to see this super baby god thing.
01:25:38
Speaker
Everyone bear with us. This is page six. If you're still listening, congratulations. If you're not, we will simultaneously all end this podcast in unison. As soon as we're done. The last scene, Mary says, Oh, isn't he wonderful? Oh, I never knew that a baby was this wonderful. God has given us such a blessing.
01:26:06
Speaker
And then the superheroes storm in. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Where's the baby? All right, you super hero. Hulk picks up the donkey and just rips it in half. Where is he? Just gore and viscera. Donkey! All right, you super hero. Put your hands up. Nobody's taking my job. Let me hold you. Yeah, what he said.
01:26:36
Speaker
Oh my goodness, boys, settle down. Can't you tell there's a baby sleeping? Well, yeah, but he is going to take our jobs and, and, and, but he's so cute. Let me hold him. Yes, he is. I didn't expect to see you guys again so soon. But what is this about my son taking your jobs? Well, we heard that Jesus is his new super hero coming to town.
01:27:06
Speaker
and that they say he's going to save the whole world from sin. Coming to town, also known as immigration. How dare he? So we thought that no one would need us anymore, but this is a baby. So we don't have anything to worry about, guys. I don't know how to make a whole cooing at the baby boys. Who was at the baby boys? I was getting hired.
01:27:32
Speaker
Were they wrong? Is Jesus just a baby? Where is he? Well, right now he is, but God has great plans in store for him. He will grow up and save us from our own sin. We all heard about that. Shepherd One's voice changes every time. Scott's staff's getting younger. An angel came to us and told us not to be afraid because Jesus was born.
01:28:01
Speaker
And he will bring us craze. You know, you're starting to sound like one of those church people. Whoa, I am. Well, could I maybe come to church with you sometime? Yeah, I think I know just the place in Bumbleyburg, Washington. Bumbleyburg! Perfect. They got a crazy pastor. Kirby.
01:28:29
Speaker
He lets me hold babies. Come on, Superman. We're almost done. Oh, wait. Is it my turn? Oh. Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. So Jesus isn't going to take over my job. I still get to go out there and save people and hold that delicious baby.
01:28:52
Speaker
Of course, you could still go save people, but God said his son so that we can be saved from ourselves and the sins we do. You ever do sin? I do sin all the time. I do sin in my pants every night.
01:29:11
Speaker
Jesus is reminding us of God's love and how we can share it with others. So now when you save people, you can tell them about Jesus's power and about God's unending love for us.
01:29:26
Speaker
Wow. Okay. I think I could do that. Stop right there, mister. I will save you. I will save you innocent citizens, but Jesus will save you with God's love. I like it. They're going to be like, let me fall to my death, please. Just stop talking. I'm so glad you all came to see Jesus and now you will spread God's love. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm trusting God in his plan.
01:29:55
Speaker
This is a Merry Christmas. And all God's people said, Merry Christmas. God's keys. Where is he? So you can just take that up later, hopefully. I want to see the baby. So thank you for enjoying that production of a Super Christmas by Vanessa Oonti.
01:30:24
Speaker
Uh, the youth minister at church, the servant at Christ, the servant Lutheran church in Bellingham, Washington. Are we comfortable calling this the first annual growing up Christian, uh, Christmas specials play the first growing up Christian Christmas play. I'm going to actual best Christmas pageant ever. I'm going to be drafting like an advent calendar of crappy Christmas place that we're going to do every week.
01:30:54
Speaker
I'm going to find Vanessa on Instagram and tag her when we post this episode. Well, thanks everybody for listening. If you liked the show, leave us a review where you listened to it.
01:31:09
Speaker
And don't forget, we got a discord where you can- They mean don't encourage people to leave a review after you're listening to this episode. Only five stars. Five stars. I give Sam's Batman voice five stars. Thank you. What about my Scott Stapp? Four, maybe three? I thought it was pretty accurate, but that in and of itself lends itself to poor star ratings.
01:31:37
Speaker
It's like the Amazon. I haven't opened this yet, but it seems okay. And if Jeremiah was the angel that came and told me that my wife was pregnant with somebody else's baby, I would trust and obey because there's no other way.
01:32:00
Speaker
Oh, that was cute.
Family Expectations and Holiday Humor
01:32:02
Speaker
Join our Discord. Tell us about books that you're reading or music that you're listening to or maybe the racist thing. Your grandma said at Thanksgiving that it was just, it was a lot at the time and you had to keep a straight face, but you know what, you did all right. Now you need to debrief with some fellow people who understand what you're going through.
01:32:29
Speaker
Christmas is coming and it's only going to repeat itself again and again for the rest of the next couple years. You know a lot of nurses are black.
01:32:42
Speaker
Or at least that's when I'm told over and over again. Well, it's either that or having to answer the, when are you guys popping out some babies? Only when I can have a super god-thing baby. That's it. I'd be like, I'm going to end this genetic line right here. I'm going to do the right thing. The family's going to walk off into the sunset. We're done. With the polo tie.
01:33:11
Speaker
I decide who ends this family line. Before we have a child that inevitably becomes a muckbanger. Yeah, that's a risk. That's a huge risk. What if they're an anime fan? Come on. I mean, that's a pretty heavy overlap on the Venn diagram anyway. Yeah, that's true. Name one muckbanger that doesn't only exclusively watch anime and hentai.
01:33:36
Speaker
You can't have one without the other. Thank you for listening and have a good week.