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Guest Mary Jordan: Infertility Journey and Running Your Home Like a Business {Episode 62}
78 Plays5 years ago
Today's guest is Mary Jordan, a homeschooling mom of 4 kids and one of Bonnie's close personal friends. Mary shares her heartbreaking and beautiful story of infertility including adoption, foster care, IVF and more, as well as some fantastic tips for taking charge of your household. If your role as a mom seems boring or uninspiring, Mary's take on life and motherhood will motivate you and make you cheer! We know you'll love her advice and attitude as much as we do.
Follow along on Mary's parenting and IVF pregnancy journey via Instagram @somejordangoodness
Transforming the Difficult Child by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley
The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle
Parenting with Love & Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay
Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
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Transcript
Introduction of Mary Jordan
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to Outnumber the Podcast. Today's episode is episode number 62 and we have a very special guest today. Her name is Mary Jordan and she is one of my Bonnie's personal friends. We've actually been friends for
00:00:13
Speaker
over a decade since before either of us was married. So our friendship goes way back and I just adore this girl and admire her to no
Managing Family Life and Infertility
00:00:22
Speaker
end. She is currently a mom of four children. You'll hear a little bit more about her family life and her story with infertility and some of the most amazing tips and tricks for running your household and running your schedule as a mom. She will blow your mind and give you some amazing actionable takeaways. So let's hear from Mary.
00:00:47
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. We're experienced moms to a combined total of 18 children. Our mission is to help overwhelmed parents find peace in parenting and humor in the chaos. Come join us as we attempt uninterrupted conversation about parenting with joy and intention.
00:01:12
Speaker
Welcome back, guys. We are really excited for our
Humor in Motherhood
00:01:15
Speaker
guest today. She is one of my Bonnie's personal friends, Mary, and she is so inspiring and so many aspects of her life. So we are going to welcome her and have her start by sharing a funny mom moment. So go ahead, Mary. Hey, okay. So as
00:01:31
Speaker
Both of you probably know with potty training. It's definitely an adventure and my son, the real son insisted on wearing his underwear this day. And I kind of forgot he was wearing his underwear and we are out running errands and we were at Lowe's in the garden center and I turned around and I just see him like being
00:01:50
Speaker
Oliver and I was just like oh we're gonna be out here going to the bathroom. So that was my funny mom moment. Thankfully no one was around. You should have just picked him up and let it dribble into a plant or something like oh good time. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten to put underwear on a potty train again and I'm like oh shoot we're out in about oh dang it.
00:02:17
Speaker
It's the worst when they keep insisting too. It's like, you're not ready. We're really excited to talk to you today. And we want you to start by telling us a little bit about you and your family.
Family Life and IVF Journey
00:02:30
Speaker
Um, so my husband and I having married will be 17 years this year. And our oldest is nine. We adopted him from birth or at birth, I guess you would say set when we were seven years into marriage.
00:02:44
Speaker
And then seven years later we did IVF and we had twins, boy, girl twins. And then we did IVF again and we had a little girl and then we just did IVF again. We put two more embryos in. And so we find out Friday how many we're having. So yeah. Yeah. And my husband works at Boeing and I just, you know, do all the mom things. Love it. How far along are you?
00:03:13
Speaker
Oh, it's like super early with IVF. It's like, you know, everything. So I think I'm going to be five weeks and five days on Friday. And then they'll be able to actually go in and like see the yolk sacks. So then we'll see how many embryos actually attached. And then like at seven weeks, I can go in and see the heartbeat to make sure there's heartbeat. So then like getting to 12 weeks. So it's just kind of like a never ending process of just making sure everything sticks literally.
00:03:41
Speaker
So basically you're pregnant forever with IVF. Yes. Since you know from before conception, right? Yes. I know. My last pregnancy, someone was like, you've been pregnant forever. I'm going to tell me about it. Cause you know, like from the two weeks then, you know, you're pregnant versus people are like three months in and they're like, oh, I'm pregnant.
00:04:01
Speaker
Yeah. No surprise there, huh? Yeah.
Pursuing Adoption
00:04:05
Speaker
Okay. So we wanted to ask you, so part of the reason we wanted to invite you on is to get a little glimpse into your infertility story, because we've talked just a teensy tiny bit about infertility on the show, because neither of us have had experience with it, but we love hearing amazing stories, especially inspirational ones that we can share with moms who are going through the same thing. So would you mind just giving us kind of an overview, a little more in-depth overview of your experience?
00:04:30
Speaker
Oh boy, yeah. Like I'll try and do like the shortened version. So in a nutshell, my husband and I were married for about a year or two when we decided we would try to get pregnant. And then like another two years passed by and the doctor was always like, oh, no, you know, totally normal. No big deal. And then I think after like the sec, so now we're like four years into marriage, going into five years. And then like, let's try this infertility thing, which to me at the time, and this is almost the,
00:05:00
Speaker
I guess, I don't know. It was more than 10 years ago. And fertility wasn't really covered under insurance a lot. I don't feel like it's what's talked about as much when we started going into it, or at least maybe I just, I don't know, was naive and thought no one else was going to do it at the time. But it just wasn't covered under insurance. So everything was very expensive. And so we started going in like,
00:05:27
Speaker
doing the co-med and the, you know, the basic stuff, taking some of the pills and they kind of made me crazy. And it was like, I would go in and there wouldn't be anything to show for it. And I was like,
Adoption and Foster Care
00:05:39
Speaker
what I'm on all this medicine. At the time I thought taking pills was a lot of medicine, but all this medicine, I should have like better results. So then they like put me on shots where I was like doing shots into my belly and stuff, which is another hormone medicine. And then.
00:05:52
Speaker
that like I would get more embryos but none of them would be like far enough not embryos but like eggs but none would be far enough to be like viable and I was just crazy these hormones were just making me really angry all the time and I remember my husband being like really don't have to do this and then I just remember thinking well maybe we're just meant to adopt like maybe that's our path in life maybe that's what got intended so then we started looking into adoption and I would say we were
00:06:22
Speaker
six, maybe six years into marriage at this point. And that was a whole nother world. I was not, oh gosh, I can't even tell you guys, just the roller coaster ride that was. But long story short, we made our profile, we got certified, we put our profile up, our first mom found us, and that is like, I don't know how much detail you want me, because I can go really detailed, but it would take a really long time. But long story short,
00:06:48
Speaker
It was at work, so our profile had gone up and I remember calling my caseworker and I was like, why has nobody called us? Because in my mind, we've been going through this process for almost a year and our profile was up and I was like, okay, we're cute, we're good looking, we're fun, like our pictures look nice, like why is nobody contacting us? And my caseworker was like, Mary, some people wait five years to have a kid, like you need to move on with your life, you need to just
00:07:18
Speaker
Move on. And I was like kind of heartbroken. I'm like, are you kidding me. I have to wait longer. It's already been seven years like And I remember I was running our work. My work had a gym and I was running at work and I remember running and I was just like, God. I can't do this. And so I'm just going to give it to you and I'm going to move on with my life and I will crochet. I don't know. I will figure it out. But
00:07:43
Speaker
I'm just not going to worry about it anymore. And I, it was the first time I ever experienced truly surrendering because all this time I was trying to control it. You know what I mean? Like setting the doctor's appointments. This wasn't working. So I'm
IVF and Family Expansion
00:07:57
Speaker
going to do this. Now we're going to do this. Now this, this is what our profile, everything I was controlling. And I finally got to a point where I just had to surrender. And then I went back to my desk and I opened up my email and
00:08:08
Speaker
literally the first email I saw said baby and it was from our birth mother. And I was just like, you've got to be kidding me. I should have done that a long time ago. So anyways, long story short. And so we adopted our son Max and then we kept trying to adopt multiple times and we'd have contact. It's like dating. I don't know how else to explain it, but it's like you're dating someone.
00:08:32
Speaker
and it's really awkward and you hope they liked you and you hope you don't say the wrong thing and you hope they don't change their mind. And anyways, so we went through that for years, maybe seven years of just the on and off with different birth mothers. And then we ended up doing foster care and we had a little boy for a year and a half and that almost broke me. Like I just, it was so hard. It was so hard emotionally and mentally because
00:09:00
Speaker
I don't know how to explain it, but that desperation, I was desperate for children and I couldn't do it myself. Do you know what I mean? I couldn't fulfill that need and I wanted it so bad and I just was desperate for it.
00:09:15
Speaker
like having our first like fill that need, but then it like came up again and I wanted more kids. And so we decided to try foster care. And that was such a heart-wrenching experience because I had to allow myself to love this child knowing that in the end it could probably break my heart, that it would break my heart if we weren't able to adopt him and we weren't. And that was like the first time I ever experienced true grief, like losing someone.
00:09:43
Speaker
And the only thing that gave me comfort was knowing that after this life, that little child will know me and he'll know how much we loved him and everything we did for him and how much we loved him. And so from there, then I felt like the Lord put on my heart.
00:09:58
Speaker
to do, you know, IVF. And I was kind of like, no, we're done. I was like, we're done having kids. We're going to be a rich couple that just travels everywhere with our kids because we can, because we don't have those bunch of kids' paperwork. But then I felt like people are attempting on my heart. I'm like, all right. So I went to my husband like, we're going to do this. We're going like full bang. Like we're just going to go straight for IVF. I called, there's like three tiers. Like there's like your pills and there's like the IUI and then there's actual IVF. I was like, we're going to go straight for IVF.
00:10:27
Speaker
And we did, and I was like, all right, well, it's meant to be. And then we had, we got five embryos, which surprise we actually had six, I just learned. But yeah, here we are. That was a long, short answer.
00:10:41
Speaker
I love how you describe feeling the need to mother another child. That's something that I think both Bonnie and I can relate to. So you talk a lot about how hard foster care was for you. Was that the biggest hurdle you dealt with during your years of infertility or was there something else? I would say the biggest hurdle was just that desperation I felt that
00:11:10
Speaker
Just that longing that could never be filled and I tried different ways to fill it and foster care was just one avenue. I tried to fill it with But it wasn't satisfying like it didn't fill it and maybe it would have if it ended up in adoption, but the process was so heart wrenching but looking back, I feel like foster care was the thing I needed to prepare me for twins because
00:11:34
Speaker
twins were cake compared to foster care. Mary, I have to say I feel exactly the same way. We did foster care for a while and it was only, we only got one placement and we had it for nine months and it was right before I had my twins and I thought, Oh, okay. Yeah, we can do this. I can love two of my own babies. I can take care of their needs because that foster care experience was so hard. It's just crazy. Yeah, it was hard. I mean, it was the best thing. I wouldn't have changed it for the world, but it was definitely,
00:12:01
Speaker
One of the biggest I felt like the only explain it's like it broke me down so the Lord could bring me up higher You know what I mean? So so then tell us what was the biggest blessing during those years of infertility? Um, I would say it was getting to know God in a way I had never knew before
00:12:23
Speaker
I kind of explain it where I felt like just something floating on the ocean and I had no control over my future when it came to growing my family and just trusting that God was going to make it work. And then just through this whole process through adoption, through foster care, through IVF, seeing the Lord's hand
00:12:45
Speaker
Like I remember my case workers saying when someone gets pregnant, the Lord's not sitting up there being like, crap, what am I going to do now? You know, like what am I going to do with this kid? Like there is a plan for every single child that comes to this world. And I just, I saw that in my sense adoption and I saw it in, you know, our foster kid and I saw it in our, in our children today. So I would say just getting to know him in a way I wouldn't have before.
00:13:11
Speaker
I think that's probably the biggest blessing anybody could get in any experience. Wouldn't you say so? Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's why we have to go through them. It's because that's how we build that relationship and learn to trust him in those hard moments.
00:13:25
Speaker
Yeah and I think isn't that the whole point of faith is that you know life is going to break all of us at some point or another like if it hasn't happened yet it will and that's not to like go go through life fearing it but just to know that hard things happen like things that you could never probably never imagine and when it happens you can either allow God to build you back up or you can just stay bitter and miserable.
00:13:49
Speaker
right totally and it's really easy to get that place especially you know it was almost 14 years if you will before we were able to have biological children but looking back it's exactly like i felt like everything's prepared me now that i went through to to be this mom to all these wonderful little children that make messes
Reflections on Infertility and Motherhood
00:14:13
Speaker
Okay. So my next question is how do you think your struggles with infertility have affected like your attitude towards motherhood, your relationship with your kids? Do you think it's different than if you had been able to have kids right away on your own? Oh, for sure. Absolutely. I was so immature. I mean, I got married at 20 and I thought I was so mature and looking back and like, I was not mature. And I think I would have really seen my children as a burden and like putting a, you know, uh,
00:14:42
Speaker
What's that? I can't think of it, but like a damper on all the things I wanted to do. And I feel like, because it was withheld for me so long, that even in the horror moments, I will remind myself, like, I wanted this. I prayed for this. I cried for this, you know? And just to remind myself, like, this is all I've ever wanted. And now I'm in it. And to just, one thing I tell myself is to kind of find the joy in it.
00:15:11
Speaker
And I feel like I do. I feel like I've been able to enjoy motherhood so much more than I would have. And I feel much more prepared and willing to make the personal sacrifices necessary to make sure that they're taken care of and that I'm doing what I need to do so I can be the best mom for them. Yeah, because you had to work so hard for it. That's interesting.
00:15:35
Speaker
Okay, so I really like what you said about remembering that you prayed for this. I don't have any experience with infertility like Bonnie said, but we have had four miscarriages. And so I kind of understand a little bit the feeling of longing and loss that can come with something that happens like that. Yeah.
00:16:00
Speaker
I wanted to know what is one thing you would say if you could talk to your your 20 year old self or before before anytime before during these years um that you were going through. I think if I could go back and tell myself like it was gonna be so much better than I ever anticipated and that I would I almost would say like you're gonna have so many kids you're not gonna know what to do with them. I probably would have like laughed in my face because in my mind
00:16:30
Speaker
Like I just, that is never a possibility. Like that just was not a reality. It seems so far away and never possible, but I think it's just so true. Like with the Lord, all things would come, all things are possible. So I think I just remind myself like, hang in there, stay strong, keep your head up.
00:16:48
Speaker
So maybe I'd be a little more kind, like a little more positive in our moment. I think I remind myself of those things like every day. I'm like, okay, keep your head up. Come on. I love that though. Don't you sometimes like look back on the younger version of yourself and just have so much compassion for yourself. Like I just think, oh, it's okay, honey. You're doing okay. You really are like, you know, those struggles, those years.
00:17:14
Speaker
when you're thinking, I'm never going to survive this, or I'm terrible at this motherhood gig or whatever. I wish I could just go back and put my arms around 27-year-old me and say, you're doing great. It doesn't look the way you thought it was, but you're doing just fine, you know? Yeah, exactly.
00:17:29
Speaker
Okay, so we're going to shift gears a little bit here because I know something about you that our audience doesn't know.
Household Management Systems
00:17:36
Speaker
And that is that you have a very unique perspective on motherhood and on running a household. So we're going to ask you a little bit about that and would like to have you describe how you approach motherhood a little bit like a business. Can you describe that perspective to us?
00:17:50
Speaker
Yeah, so I would say it was when we had our little foster baby and I felt like I had no control over my life and everything was falling apart and I felt so out of control that I needed something to control. And so I started
00:18:09
Speaker
I started an organizational program and I started like purging my house and doing all these things. And in that process of trying to get systems in place and maintaining things, I kind of had this like epiphany of when I worked and I had a job, I got up. I mean, I had to be at work at 5am every morning. And so I would get up at 4am, sometimes 4.30 if I was really tired, but I got up and I got dressed and I looked somewhat presentable and I would go to work.
00:18:38
Speaker
And at work I would do certain tasks and I would set like certain amount of times and I would accomplish them because I was paid to do it is what I was supposed to do. And then I'm like, but here I am as a mom. And some days I'm like, I just don't feel like getting out of bed or I don't want to get dressed. And I'm like, and I don't put that same intentionality. And I'm like, and I could have cared less about my job, but I like being a mother is like one of the most important things I can do. And what if I took that same like mentality and applied it to motherhood?
00:19:08
Speaker
So then I decided well I got paid when I worked so I'm gonna start paying myself for all these tasks. I was grossly underpaid by the way but I would pay myself for these tasks and I had a goal of something I wanted to achieve like I wanted this money to go towards.
00:19:27
Speaker
Because I mean, this money didn't come out of anywhere had it come from somewhere, obviously, but I would pay myself and I had because of this goal, I was super motivated. And I started I created an in this process of paying myself in this motivation, I started getting routines in place, I started having systems in place. And I, this like magical thing happened where one day I remember, it was like 10 o'clock and like, I got everything in for the day, I could
00:19:53
Speaker
to whatever I want. It was, and it just amazed me at how just these structures freed up so much time that I didn't even know was possible. And then I started thinking like, well, how else could this run? Like, okay, so just like every business has their standard operating procedures and they're, they have meetings and then they have
00:20:19
Speaker
Um, missions and all that and thought, well, how else can I apply this to our family? And so, you know, we started doing family meetings. So we had like couple meetings, we'd have family meetings. Um, we created a family mission statement and then creating departments. Um, I didn't come up with that. My friend, Anne Marie.
00:20:37
Speaker
she was teaching a class and she was like, yeah. And she's like, I'm going to break my house in departments. Like that's the magic department. Finding out what your departments are in your home. Like what's important to you? Cause if you can decide what your departments are, just like there's an HR and there's finance and there's, you know, quality assurance or whatever, we have departments in our home. There's finances, education, spiritual, food, and nutrition, all those aspects. And each one of those have their own rhythm and systems. And if
00:21:06
Speaker
Those can be figured out and find ways to implement them in the home. I just feel like it could run a lot smoother and be successful just like any business would. That was a long answer, I'm sorry.
00:21:16
Speaker
Okay, so I am totally obsessed with this idea because I think that in general, most moms go into motherhood without a lot of training and research, right? We just have a kid and we're a mom. And many of us stumble along joking about how there's no owner's manual for motherhood or whatever, but really there are so many resources online in books, the experience of other mothers where we can glean
00:21:41
Speaker
just some ideas for systems, for procedures, for ways that we can make our life easier. And so much of that is running a household, which many of us have not done a lot of before we bring children into it. And so that's like an added struggle on top of it. But I just love, love, love this idea because it really puts all the power back into the mom's hands instead of feeling like your life is this like runaway freight train and you can't get a handle on everything. It's like, no, you're in control.
00:22:07
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's what I found. I keep thinking that scripture by small and simple things are great things brought to pass. And I feel like that's how, you know, just doing those little things every day consistently is going to compound over time.
00:22:25
Speaker
And I just remember hearing quotes, like successful people do the things that non-successful people don't want to do. So it's just learning how to do the things because there are days I don't want to wash the dishes and there are days I don't want to do laundry. And when I don't do them, then it backs up and then it creates more, you know, then the system's not being run. But by just taking the time to do them or I think honestly, the key is finding what motivates you and putting those in place so you get those things done. Yeah, I love that.
00:22:54
Speaker
This reminds me totally of our, both our everyday intention option episode about everyday intention, choosing every day, the things that I do.
00:23:04
Speaker
Yeah and also I think my husband would just be like nodding along with you right now because he's so process and and systems oriented that he he would just be like yeah just set up a system for laundry and then you know it'll just work itself.
Effective Parenting Strategies
00:23:20
Speaker
So okay so anyway um tell us a little bit about like the current research and studying work that you're doing along with this idea about um this this way of parenting.
00:23:32
Speaker
Well, I guess I'm constantly reading books about parenting. That's probably my downfall. I probably have like 40 plus books on parenting. And so because to me, it's building that relationship, right? And then there needs to be consequences and all that. So I think that's like one department that I'm working on is like the relationships department and what that looks like. And the other thing is I love organizing. So I'm constantly learning new ways to organize new cleaning systems, but what
00:24:02
Speaker
keeps coming to the forefront of my mind is I was thinking about this the other day and I had this thought of what if I were to sit down and write out what my ideal day looks like? Like what would that entail? And then using that pull out what kind of departments or what kind of systems need to be in place to allow me to accomplish that kind of day. Is that answering the question you were looking for? Oh, well no, that's really good.
00:24:30
Speaker
to think about it that way. I like working that working backward way, you know, looking at what result do I want and then how do I put things in place to make that result happen. In fact, maybe we'll have you also tell us offline off air what your top five favorite parenting books are and we can include those in the show notes because I think people are always looking for more resources in order to become this more intentional parent that I think everyone wants to be.
00:24:56
Speaker
Yes, definitely. I can't even tell you how many parenting classes I've taken. You think I'd be a better parent by now. I think you're awesome. I think you're amazing. Okay, so I would like to ask you then, if somebody wants to implement this system, what are your top like three to five tips for getting started with this idea of running your household like a business? I would say
00:25:21
Speaker
One of my biggest tips would be learning to try blocking out your time. Like I used to try to run like, Hey, I'm going to get up at five and then by six, I'm going to have this done and by seven. And then I wouldn't meet those goals and I would be derailed. And then I'd just be discouraged for us the day and I wouldn't do anything. And so one of my mentors I worked with Mary Ann Johnson taught me about the chunk clock, which is very similar to Jordan Page's block schedule.
00:25:47
Speaker
And it's where you block out your time and then by doing that. So let's say you have your morning block and one morning you wake up at seven.
00:25:58
Speaker
and you look at your morning block, and maybe another day you wake up at eight, but either way, you still start with your morning block before you move on to your chore block, if you will. So your chore block might start at a different time, but it doesn't start until your morning block is complete. And the morning block, I think the key to that when you make your block schedule, and Marianne taught me this, was you write down your ideals, and then you highlight the most important. So when your head hits the pillow, as long as you got those most important things done, it was a successful day.
00:26:27
Speaker
So in each block, I would have the one most important thing. And so if I got up late one morning, I could still make sure I got that one thing done and then move on to my next block, if you will. So that was kind of the first thing I started with and just getting in the habit of getting like moving through my blocks that I established. And then once
00:26:49
Speaker
I had the blocks going, then I could better implement the systems within the blocks, if that makes sense. I really, really like this idea. It makes me feel totally better about, I think I do kind of run my day this way, but it makes me feel totally better about running my day.
00:27:07
Speaker
In this way that that is not dependent on you know, the clock Oh, I didn't you know get to this till nine o'clock or whatever. But oh, I really like the idea So i'm gonna i'm gonna implement that one I feel like it's very freeing You know and it kind of keeps and and some there were some days i'd be like, okay this block You know a friend came over so we're going to take this block out today and we're just going to jump to the afternoon block or whatever
00:27:31
Speaker
And so that's like always the first thing I work on before I start implementing systems because then I can block out chore time and then I can implement my systems for chore. So like Mondays, laundry day, Tuesdays, you know, vacuum day or whatever, but I have it blocked out in my schedule. The other thing I was going to say is motivations.
00:27:53
Speaker
like spot you got to find your motivations from big to little so like to get me started it was getting my kitchen cabinets painted because I didn't want my husband to do it because then it would take like six months and so I was super motivated to make enough money because I was quote unquote paying myself to save up for these cabinets and it took me I think five or six months but I really was getting in these habits because I was super motivated
00:28:18
Speaker
Once, go ahead. Okay. So just, so just to clarify, you were saving money to have someone paint your cabinets from these little things that you were paying yourself. Correct. Okay. To like implement these systems. Like every time I vacuumed the floor, I would pay myself. Every time I read my scriptures, I paid myself.
Adapting Systems and Self-Care
00:28:37
Speaker
Every time I tucked my kid into bed and spent time with them, I'd pay myself all these things that were like important, but not urgent. You know what I mean? And like putting those in my system.
00:28:48
Speaker
But once that motivation was gone, I didn't really have something else. I wanted a camper and I was like, you know, that's a lot of money. It's like, I'm not going to save that much money. It's going to take me years. So I kind of lost that motivation. But then just recently, I was kind of, as I was studying this morning, I was reminded that our homes are, you know, sacred places to,
00:29:16
Speaker
to keep our children protected. And I thought, you know, when I'm managing my home and running like a business, I'm better able to be intentional about the things that are important that I feel like would protect my family as they go out into the world. And so that's kind of my new motivation to kind of help me get back on track because I'm not next. We're not this, I'm not continuous at it. There's times and seasons I found to, I would say another tip is
00:29:41
Speaker
Just be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself as you implement it. I found with younger children, it was a lot harder to maintain these standards I'd set for me, myself, you know, in these systems and the more kids I've had, I've had to really, you know, change my cleaning system. So like when I had one kid, I would clean baseboards.
00:30:00
Speaker
Now I have four kids. That's not even on the list. I'm like that's a chore for hire. Someone wants to make some money. I think what she's saying is that she's lowering her expectations.
00:30:19
Speaker
Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. And even in my to do list, like I have these like daily routine charts and that I would do and it would be full of like 15 things to do in a day and now it's like five. So it's just like the most important. So I would just say start small and you know, be patient with yourself. And there's no, there's no system out there telling you how to do this. You know what I mean? There's no like to do this because every family is so different and so dynamic.
00:30:46
Speaker
It's just, you know, a lot of trial and error because what, what I also found is what worked one season doesn't work now in a new season, at least when it comes to certain systems. So the systems have to be updated. Yeah.
00:31:02
Speaker
Yeah. And I was just thinking about this myself as I can always tell when one of two things needs to happen. I need to take a break from my children. Maybe that's just like an afternoon away. Maybe it's like two days away. And when our systems need to be updated because everything starts falling apart, right? Like my patience is wearing thin. Nobody is falling through. I feel like I'm yelling a lot. It's time to like, right, stop, rewind a little bit, figure out where the, where the gaps in, in the,
00:31:28
Speaker
where things aren't running smoothly, where we're finding hiccups and create a new system. And it does not have to be complicated. For us, a new system basically just means a new schedule, right? Like, okay, let's create a new block schedule where it's not working to have chores be done after lunch because everyone wants to go out and play. So we're going to do them right before lunch and just to try things out in a new way and a new order and to not give up if it doesn't work. There's a hundred million different ways you can do things. So just keep trying until you find something that works.
00:31:54
Speaker
Yeah, and I would say another tip would be start with yourself like start with your schedule. Every night when I was like really diligent in this process. I would have, I would call it my nighttime blueprint and I would sit down with my planner and I would like plan out like what is going to happen tomorrow. What needs like what's the chore, you know, and all that and it would literally take me five 10 minutes.
00:32:19
Speaker
But then like the next day, I would even remember to look at my planner, but I was getting things done just from looking at it. So I would say start with yourself and, you know, start with the plan. I don't know. I would say there's power in the planner, like the PP power in the planner. I believe in planners.
00:32:34
Speaker
Oh, but there is another tip too. Sorry, that was my last tip. That'll be quite, but it's, um, Alan, one thing that really helped me was Allison from the Allison show talked about, do the things that leads to all the other things. So like when I don't want to clean my house or do my chore for that day, I do the thing that leads to all other things. Like, well, when I have music on and it, it helps me
00:32:56
Speaker
get in the mood for cleaning or if I have a book on tape. So if I start listening to a book on tape, I'm like, okay, now I'm going to go do my laundry. Do you know what I mean? It's like the one thing I can do that is a little motivation to get me to do the things I don't want to do. Oh, that's such a good tip. I really like that one. Anything to motivate us to do what we're supposed to be doing anyway.
00:33:18
Speaker
So tell us how has all this work and unique perspective changed your attitude about parenting like internally like with yourself your attitude toward parenting and then also how has it changed your kids and your family? I think it's taught me that it is possible to have that freedom that
00:33:46
Speaker
I think like as moms, it's really easy to feel trapped or like we don't have time to do the things that are important to us. However, I feel like having the systems in place and putting the energy into those actually gives me more energy because it frees up time to put towards the things I really, you know, want to pursue personally. Um, and who doesn't want more time to do the things they really want to do? Exactly. Exactly. Sometimes it's thinking like,
00:34:12
Speaker
these things it feels like so much work or it feels super overwhelming but it's knowing that over time doing those little things the after day it's gonna free up so much more time because now clean the bathroom it's just maintaining it rather than deep cleaning it purging it we're gonna you know all the things that we get sucked in doing whenever we start cleaning. And then for my kids I would say
00:34:36
Speaker
I am happier as a mom in a lot of respect. The trick is to not be like, I have my schedule. Don't bother me. You like to not fall into that, but rather, um, it helps me stay intentional and make the time to be present with my kids and, you know, put routines in that, you know, like family read or long time. Like that was something I would pay myself for read to the kids. Check, check. So.
00:35:05
Speaker
Um, but I think too, um, I would just say, I think too, it's helping our kids develop good habits as well because we're just, we're modeling good habits and it's not all the time, you know, but it's a step in the right direction. I always think of too, like when I walk into an office building, it's not like,
00:35:30
Speaker
you know, there's, there's some clarity, there's some organizing, you can always tell when there's some systems in place. So anyway, I think it's worth the brain power that it requires to put it together. Yeah, totally. I especially love that last, that last thought that as we work to improve ourselves, and we talked about this in goal setting, both of our episodes about goal setting for parents and for kids that as we do the work to improve our own lives and become better people, our kids will follow suit and um,
00:35:58
Speaker
and if we choose instead to take our afternoons to sit in front of the television our kids will also follow suit and it doesn't mean that you have to run like a sprinter all day every day but it does mean that as you create these structures in your life that you'll be able to create something of your life that you never imagined you know and and instead of just being this passive parent or things just happen to you and you react you're getting out there in front of it and saying if parenting really is the most important thing in my life which i think we all kind of believe then
00:36:28
Speaker
I should be putting effort in and not just putting out fires, but preemptive structures and schedules and plans for when things go awry or when things don't work out as expected.
Personal Growth and Family Relationships
00:36:41
Speaker
We know how to handle them, and I just love that thought. I think it's so powerful. Yeah, I would say to implementing this, I've been able to work with a lot of mentors, and so it's helped me grow as a person. Do you know what I mean? Because I have to figure out
00:36:54
Speaker
Well, why am I struggling with this? Or why is this not working? Or, you know what I mean? It's, it's requires some personal, um, evaluation too, to kind of figure out what's holding me back from accomplishing certain things that I say are important. Well, I'm really glad to have talked to you today and I hope, I feel like, um, I really needed to hear what you had to say because I feel like, oh, I feel like
00:37:21
Speaker
I just definitely need to put some systems into place, both so that things can be more pleasing in my house, that I'm happier or feel like I'm one of those people where if there's clutter on the floor, I'm just like, uh, angry. So that things can be more pleasing to me, but also so that I can feel the freedom of having the time to do what I want. So I really hope that.
00:37:47
Speaker
Our audience finds as much help in this episode as I found just listening to you. I also do. And you know, it's funny cause I always, um, I think physical clutter creates mental clutter as well. And so I think those systems and routines help us create an environment that allows for, to free up our brain, you know? So it's worth the effort for ourselves and for our family. Yeah.
Connecting with Mary Online
00:38:13
Speaker
Well, thank you so much Mary for joining us. We have, I have loved hearing your whole infertility story and, and we're personal friends and you've helped me in so many ways in creating systems and order in my house. And so I'm so grateful that I got to share with all our friends online, all the wonderful wisdom you've shared with me. So thank you so much for joining us. Oh, thanks so much for having me. And Mary, can you tell our audience where they can find you online so they can follow along with your, both your pregnancy journey and as you,
00:38:42
Speaker
keep on developing these systems of running your house like a business. Yeah. Um, so I'm just on Instagram at some Jordan goodness. Okay. We'll link that in the show notes. Thank you. Thank you. All right, ladies, you have a fabulous day.
Supporting the Podcast
00:39:00
Speaker
Thanks so much for tuning in. Did you know you can help the podcast in several ways? First up we're on Patreon and there are three different levels to support us there.
00:39:09
Speaker
Just head to patreon.com slash outnumbered. Next step, if you enjoyed this episode, please leave us a written review on iTunes. It helps other parents find the podcast and receive the help you're enjoying. And finally, you can follow us on Instagram at outnumbered the podcast. We're always having fun over there too. As usual, if you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at outnumbered the podcast at gmail.com. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.