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Ep 6 Healing the Inner Child
825 Plays5 months ago
In this episode, we take a deep dive into inner child wounding - how it happens and how to heal it. We walk through the process step-by-step to become SECURELY ATTACHED to yourself and others. By reparenting the inner child and living in alignment with your true feelings, you can release old patterns and finally experience secure attachment within yourself. This transformational inner child work is the key to authentic self-expression.
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Transcript
Introduction and Theme of Sensitivity
00:00:02
Speaker
Hello, beautiful souls. I'm so grateful that you're tuning in. Welcome to my podcast, Misunderstood, guiding highly sensitive people through an emotional dark age. I'm your host, Candice Vandell, and I'm honored to embark on this transformative journey with you. Have you ever felt like you didn't quite fit into the world around you or even your own family? Like your sensitivity was a burden rather than a gift. If so, you're not alone. And here's the truth. Your sensitivity is not a flaw. It's a superpower. It's what allows you to feel deeply, to connect with others on a profound level, and to access a higher realm of consciousness.
00:00:38
Speaker
And on this podcast, we're going to explore how to harness that power and use it to create a life of purpose, passion, and true confidence. Here, in this sacred space, we honor your sensitivity as the gift it truly is. Get ready to embark on the journey of unapologetic emotional honesty and next-level healing. Let's dive in together. Welcome back to Misunderstood, guiding highly sensitive people through an emotional dark age. I'm your host, Candace Vandell. As usual, I have no idea what I'm going to say before I start talking, but I have a topic in mind. And so I'm just going to let this roll. So as you guys know, I spend my days coaching one-on-one and groups and classes that I've created courses for.
Understanding Emotions and Inner Child Healing
00:01:25
Speaker
And one of the overriding questions, I'm going to light a little candle for us.
00:01:30
Speaker
Oh, there we go. So one of the overriding questions is, I get it, I get it Candice, I have to do inner child work, but how is that done? And what I want to say is you guys know I've had this slogan, you got to get real about how you feel so you can heal. And I've had that since I started coaching 11 years ago. Why? Because that's what I discovered about my own self as I started discovering my real self. And what I mean is we spend so much time in our lives
00:02:02
Speaker
trying to cater to those that we need to love us. We try to cater to what will please them, what will get me accepted by them, what will make them happy. And the more we do that against what really feels natural for us, the more we are rejecting our inner child, our authentic self, without knowing. So think about like what did you have to become what did you have to be what was your role in the family did you have a role in the family were you the family clown the one that made everyone laugh read the scapegoat all the problems were put on you read the golden child the one that achieved everything and made them proud and validated your parents as parents or were you actually just loved.
Family Dynamics and Attachment Styles
00:02:47
Speaker
Securely, that's a secure attachment. That's what most people didn't get. That's what all people need and deserve and so I say attachment style is huge with this because the majority of people have anxious attachment or um Avoid an attachment or disorganized attachment or anxious avoidant like there's so many different styles, but what I want to focus on is secure attachment and I'll give you the answer before I go all and all into this, is the answer to healing your inner child is being securely attached to yourself by integrating your inner child. So when we talk about what happened in the beginning to give us inner child wounds, we can then dissect what needs to be done to heal them. So where do I start? Hmm.
Childhood Trauma and Relationship Patterns
00:03:43
Speaker
I guess I will say that once you notice those places in your life that you had to detach from your own inner guidance to attach to a parent or someone in authority or a partner, Let me just say, ah those of you that come to me with narcissistic partners, right, and you've had some narcissistic abuse, you wonder why you keep attracting them and why you're still attracted to that type, the love bombing and then the you know devaluing and discard. It is because your original wound had an attachment injury, your original caretaker and you had a trauma bond. Traumatic bonding is when it's inconsistent love and affection.
00:04:30
Speaker
a narcissistic partner will love bomb you then start you know devaluing you that is insecure attachment. And then the love bombing comes again and now yourre your serotonin is down so far that it feels like a hit, like a drug, like, ooh, right? That's what we had to do most of our lives in one way or another. So it's not surprising that the entire world is talking about narcissism at this time, right? But that's not what this podcast is about. This podcast is about healing the inner child so you can stop replaying those patterns.
Coping Mechanisms and Authenticity
00:05:01
Speaker
And so when you think about your childhood and you think about um what role did you need to be,
00:05:07
Speaker
that role is now your coping mechanism, that people pleasing is your coping mechanism, that high achiever, that she've achieve, achieve, achieve, never enough is your coping mechanism that, oh, forget it, I'm gonna fail, I'll just give up. That is your coping mechanism. Coping mechanisms are in the way of the authentic self. Coping mechanisms help you cope with the toxic environment or an imperfect environment, but those coping mechanisms won't give you secure attachment in a healthy environment. really take that in. When we are securely attached to our caretakers and learn how to securely attach to ourselves, we don't deal with partners that are toxic or bosses that are toxic or friends that are toxic. Do you want to know why? Because you have the boundaries and the discernment to notice it soon enough and walk the other way.
00:05:59
Speaker
See most of us we get caught up in these types of relationships because they're a mirror reflection of the relationship we have to our inner child.
00:06:08
Speaker
So going back to it, so you look at these roles, you look at these attachment styles. I like to call it the emotional imprint. Your emotional imprint is now I have to be this to be loved. I have a client now in her 60s who I've been working with for four years. She's a phenomenal human being. The first day I met her, I said, you're special. Like you have no idea what I see in you. And if you stick with me, you'll see it too. And she definitely sees it. And her biggest fear is Candice. if I shine, if I be all this authentic self that I've discovered, I'm going to lose the connections closest to me. And I said, your goal is to not lose the connection to you. So if you believe what I say, which is you're born perfect for your purpose, then you know your God universe, whatever you believe in, created you perfect for your purpose, which also means abundant and healthy and loved. So
00:07:04
Speaker
If you being your authentic self makes you lose people you're closest to, you're losing people who want you to lose yourself, time to lose them. So your coping mechanism, it's in the way of you being your authentic self. So check out what do you do? What are your patterns? What are your habits?
Fears of Authentic Expression
00:07:24
Speaker
How do you cope? What are you afraid of losing? What are you afraid of giving up that will make you lose what? What are you afraid of not doing anymore and make you feel not enough? I have another client who I would say is addicted to possessions. If she doesn't have the best of everything, she freaks out because her sense of worth is external so that everyone else can she see she's worthy. And one day she told me, she said, my biggest fear is if I lose all of this, people will know they were right about me. I'm not enough.
00:07:53
Speaker
So look at your own life and look at what happened to your inner child. Now, just so you know, your inner child has never gone away. It's just been hiding in the dark behind the thing that you created instead, the coping mechanism, because it still thinks that it's not good enough because you choose these coping mechanisms over and over and over and every single day over her or him. So healing this inner child is number one. emotional validation, getting real about how you feel. What do you feel? A good example. I had a client earlier this week that said to me, I really don't want this divorce, but I'm trying to forgive my soon to be ex-husband. And I just know I have to forgive him. So I'm going to do that. And I said, stop lying. You don't forgive him. She said, well, I guess I do. And I'm like, no, you think you have to, but you don't because you don't.
00:08:42
Speaker
She said, well, don't I have to forgive him to be free? I go, you do, but you actually have to feel that I am in forgiveness, but you're not. You do not actually feel like you are forgiving him, correct? She said, accurate. I said, great. So be real. Here's your truth. I'll say it for you. You don't want this divorce. You're still in love with your soon to be ex-husband. You tried everything. You wish he would have tried to. He didn't. You wish he would see that beyond what he's going through right now, you may still be the one But that's not true, he's not doing that. You tried all you could try, you put it all on the table, you gave him your whole heart, you told him your truth, and it's not working. So no, you can't forgive that yet. You have anger to go through. You have some grieving to go through. If you don't go through the proper steps of the truth of your emotion,
00:09:31
Speaker
You're just bypassing the healing. And then you're going to say you forgive, and you're going to have this undercover upset, and then you're going to take it out in the next person, right? So the first step is validating the truth of how you really feel. Stop saying you feel something you don't. Stop feeling or tell or telling yourself you're OK with something that you're not. Just say I'm not OK with it. And most of you listening at one time or another have been afraid that if I say the truth, someone else will be hurt, or they won't like it, or they'll abandon me. I don't care. The truth is don't abandon yourself. If you don't abandon yourself and someone else doesn't like your ownership of self, that's something wrong with them, not you. A healthy relationship wants their partner to be in the fullest expression of their authenticity because then they know you fully honestly love me. But an unhealthy partner who's not securely attached won't like the healthy version.
00:10:23
Speaker
So you're getting real about how you feel so you can heal. You're validating the emotions of the past. You're looking at the truth of what happened. Do you know how many people I see in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, now 70s, and actually have an 81 old client too, who are finally being like, holy shit, I didn't realize my mother was this. I was just busy looking at what I could do better. Well, why do you have to do something better? Because someone's making you. What's wrong with that person making you? So we have to really look at the truth of our situations. When we can see the truth of who we are, we can see the truth of who they are and everything else. So it's being real about how you feel, so you can heal. It's validating the true emotional experience, not the should feels, but the could feels, and ultimately the I do feels, right?
Emotional Validation and Inner Child Care
00:11:10
Speaker
And when we can do that and be honest with ourselves and then start living in alignment with what we really feel, it's telling our inner child a message. Now, what you guys don't understand, right? If you're listening to this, is you have to become the parent to your inner child. You have to stop treating your inner child the way you were treated as a child. Yes. And instead, treat your inner child, meaning your emotional world and your inner truth the way you wish you were treated as a child. You're looking for a permission slip out there. It's inside.
00:11:43
Speaker
So, when you're insecure, if your mom said, don't be insecure, that's stupid, and you bypass it and you never become secure, what you need to do if you're insecure now is say, I'm insecure. Shoot, I really wish I wasn't a dang. I'm not feeling confident about this. That's honesty, that's connecting to the truth of who you are. When you live in the alignment with your inner truth, it means you're taking action steps based on how you truly feel and the boundaries you really have, instead of stopping those things because of your worry about other people's opinions or reactions. One of the biggest things I deal with in my coaching sessions is people being so afraid of standing up for themselves because of the reaction from others.
00:12:26
Speaker
And I say, really? So now what we're dealing with here is a bunch of people who are afraid of confrontation. Look, I speak my truth loud and proud. You guys know that. My clients call me the straight shooter. I do that because I know I'm telling you exactly what you need to heal. I'm telling you exactly what you need to hear to wake up to certain things that you've been blind to or in the shadow of. And when you say the truth and someone doesn't like it, you have to remember that that is not about you or your problem. You need to speak your truth and have your back boundaries. And if people don't like it, you need to love it anyway because that keeps you stuck, continue to be stuck to yourself, not leaving self or other, right?
00:13:13
Speaker
So this is the other step is re-parenting as I'm treating myself the way that I would want to would have wanted to be treated as a child. And what that means is I have to have my own back. I got me. I'm my biggest fan and I'm my own best friend. And I can say that is true for me. That is true. I've lived my truth long enough to know that I trust my choices and I trust myself to have the best intentions for myself. That doesn't mean we don't make mistakes. I make mistakes all the time and I'm like, ah, shoot, I made a mistake, that sucks anyway, right? But when we when we're not connected to our inner child and our truth, we make mistakes and we think that's our value. I'm unworthy, I'm wrong, I'm down, there's something wrong with me, right? Those old dumb stories that we all have gone through.
00:13:57
Speaker
he So really doing the integration of the inner child is not only going back in time into the most painful situations you now allow yourself to remember and saying with the truth of what happened and detaching any not only meaning to it, but self-blame from it. Another example I'll give you from last week's sessions is this woman whose father abandoned her when her mother died. And she now has this pattern relationships where i I'll never be enough for someone. I'm like, no, you weren't enough for your father's adult needs when you were five. And he did the wrong thing by abandoning you to find his own healing, but it wasn't because of you. It wasn't personal, but it wasn't right.
00:14:40
Speaker
So when we can redo a lot of these old situations and hold for ourself and say, wow, all these things happened and maybe my mom was really mean and criticized me and said there was something wrong with me my whole life and all of that, but I know that there's actually not. So what would it have been going on with her that she treated me that way, right? This is the way we need to frame it. Instead of just taking everything as you thought it it was with your perception from a child, you have to upgrade that perception by looking at The world in a more evolved way, a more awakened way by being honest. When we are emotionally honest, we become very clear. This is how I channel things in my sessions. People are like, what? How'd you do that? Because I'm so clear. I'm out of my own way. I'm not looking at you through a veil of
Living Authentically and Future Insights
00:15:24
Speaker
unhealed wounds. I'm looking at through a veil of pure.
00:15:27
Speaker
understanding and insight and you get to have that pure understanding and insight with yourself when you're super brutally emotionally honest and you follow what you feel when you follow what you feel regarding anyone and anything you start to become more real more authentic more oh my gosh i get me and with me this is me So I want you to try that. I have many meditations on YouTube and on my website to do inner inner child work and inner child healing. But remember, every day that you go through a challenge or a trigger, hold your heart and say, this is challenging for us, but I'm not leaving you, I got you. I'm not leaving you if others leave you. I'm not leaving you if others don't like what you're saying or doing. I'm not leaving you ever because my whole purpose in life
00:16:19
Speaker
is to be my authentic expression out loud in love. So the last thing I want to share with you is to be unconditional with yourself, is to make mistakes and love yourself anyway, is to do something wrong and love yourself anyway, is to maybe have done something really bad to someone in the past and say, wow, I did something really bad in the past. I really feel bad about that. Let me make that better. Loving yourself unconditionally means you can be however you are and take accountability for when you do wrong or bad things and then love yourself anyway by doing better. Nobody has to be perfect or get it right or even know what the hell you're doing in this life.
00:16:59
Speaker
But what you have to do is know when you're doing something right and something wrong according to your truth and actually apologize to yourself, right? Living in integrity is living in an integrated state. I'm one with my inner child, my inner teen and me. So I hope you guys enjoyed this. um I want to thank you again, all of you who've been writing me notes about how much you love this, about how much you guys have been sharing this, the reviews in writing. I want to just thank you. This has been such a little labor of love for me to just get on here and randomly speak what's on my heart and
00:17:37
Speaker
Have it received in such a beautiful way means everything so You guys please look forward to this one and next week and then I think it's the week after next We have a very special guest that's gonna appear and then the next month. Holy cow. I've just got this lineup You guys aren't gonna believe so. I'm so excited for what's coming. Thank you so much for listening. I love you all so much, and don't forget to go say hi to me on Instagram. I'm doing daily reels on these topics so you can get little, I call them soul I snacks, little snippets of deep dives, okay? I love you guys, and I hope you have a great rest of your day.