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39. In My Heart I Already Knew -With Amber Harris
68 Plays5 years ago
Amber Harris shares her grief journey after the sudden death of her best friend Samantha. This was her first time experiencing this much pain. Her friend Mathew was her rock and support during her grief.
Their friendship developed into a romantic one, but due to having a long distance relationship, it ended but their friendship remained. Some time later Amber had a dream in which Mathew had come to visit her. She woke of the next morning and got a call from a friend saying Mathew had died. In her heart she already knew! He had said goodbye to her in her dream.
In our conversation we talk about the ways she dealt and even not dealt with her grief. We talk about what their friendships taught her and what she learned from experiencing the grief of their deaths.
One of those big learnings was, to never hesitate to tell people how much they mean to her.
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest or receive a complimentary coaching session: http://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
email: griefgratitudepodcast@gmail.com
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Music: Daniel Badi Rinaldi https://www.oneplanetmusic.com/
Production: Carlos Andres Londono
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Transcript
Condolences and Loss
00:00:01
Speaker
And I look and my phone has all these messages saying, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I was just like, what is going on? And I find out that my best friend passed away. And so I immediately called Matthew and I was just like, I don't know what to do. I can't. I mean, it just felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I had never, ever, ever experienced pain like that before.
Podcast Introduction by Kendra
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:00:57
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host.
Interview with Amber: Life After Death
00:01:11
Speaker
Now let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:19
Speaker
Welcome to today's episode. I have the honor of interviewing a friend, which, funny enough, we've been friends virtually, virtually in this world of technology. We met, let's say, probably in April
00:01:38
Speaker
in an online event and we have been having these like meaningful conversations and discussions and deepenings virtually and just last week we were talking about the
00:01:54
Speaker
the topic of life after death. And she shared briefly a story of her life. And I'm like, oh my gosh, Amber, I have to have you on the episode of a podcast. And so she agreed and that's why she's here. So Amber, welcome. Thank you. Thank you for having me.
00:02:13
Speaker
I'm so grateful that you agreed to be on the podcast and share a little bit about your story. But let's start off a little bit sharing a little bit about you. So we're both in the Dallas, Texas area. And because of the situation, we have what we're currently living right now. We have not met in person, but we've been talking at least once a week in these discussions.
00:02:39
Speaker
But how long have you lived in Texas? Because you're not from here originally. So how long have you lived here?
Amber's Early Life and Move to Texas
00:02:44
Speaker
I have lived here since I was about nine years old. My family, we moved here from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
00:02:51
Speaker
when my dad got a job here. So I pretty much kind of grew up here. Oh, so you have. So because I remember the East Coast reference, I totally thought that it was recent that you had moved. Oh, you see, I still have a lot more to learn about you. And you are one of how many siblings? I have an older brother.
00:03:23
Speaker
And what did you get? Did you go to school for college? Yes, I did. I actually went to SMU, so I kind of stayed very local.
00:03:35
Speaker
in Texas during that time, during school, so high school. So you did all of elementary, well, the last couple of years of elementary, all of middle school, high school, college, everything in the Texas area. Everything. Okay. So have you been abroad at any period of your time and your career? Actually,
00:03:59
Speaker
Well, when I was in high school, I was able to go to Italy for about a month, which was a lot of fun. My cousin got married in Italy. So that was, that was a lot of fun. I'm hoping to travel abroad again as an adult, because at the time I wasn't really immersed in the culture. I was more concerned with, Oh my God, I'm 17 and I can drink wine.
00:04:27
Speaker
Oh, because you were in Italy where that's water for them. Yeah, exactly. And I was just like, you know what? I don't care about the Sistine Chapel. I want to drink wine. I can Google the Sistine Chapel.
00:04:46
Speaker
You wanted to have the experience of what Italians actually experience as they live there rather than the touristy kind of thing. Okay. And so what did you go to school for? What did you study?
From Dance to Acting: Amber's Journey
00:04:59
Speaker
So I went to school for journalism and actually accidentally kind of minored in business and I had decided I wanted to be a business journalist.
00:05:13
Speaker
I did that for a little while after college, but it really was not pain. And I had actually went to the performing arts high school, Booker T. Washington, and I studied dance. But then when I had injured my knee my junior year, I took some acting classes. And I remember the, she was, I believe she was the drama coordinator of the school, but she kept telling me, I really need to pursue acting.
00:05:42
Speaker
And so when I went to college, I took a couple acting classes as electives and my professor again told me, I really need to pursue acting. And so after my journalism stint, I went to California and I said, you know what? I'm going to pursue acting. So I moved out to California and I was working as a background actor full time. I had gigs six days a week.
00:06:11
Speaker
which was, I didn't know at the time, which was kind of rare. What year was that? What year was that? That was about 2014.
00:06:21
Speaker
Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. That is, that is rare to be able to get consistent, you know, uh, jobs, you know, every day of the week. That's really pretty amazing. I mean, we have that in common, the theater component, the acting component here. Cause that's what I made. That's where I lived was in California and that's where I went to school. Um, so, okay. So then you did that for how long then, how long were you in, in the LA area, California for doing that? I was there for about a couple of years.
00:06:52
Speaker
Oh, that's good. So you did leave the nest. You see, when I was asking, you did leave the nest for a little bit. I did. You flew. You flew. I did. So that's what you had kind of made reference to when you were sharing a little bit about your story that is the one we're going to touch upon now.
00:07:12
Speaker
So it was there that you found out the news of the passing of his next boyfriend, correct? Yes. Yes. So before we go over those details, so tell us a little bit about this friend, this boyfriend, or at that time boyfriend, how did you meet him? What was his name? Tell us a little bit about your relationship, and then we'll dive into the conversation.
Meeting Matthew: A Best Friend's Bond
00:07:39
Speaker
Perfect. Yeah.
00:07:42
Speaker
was Matthew and we actually met when I was in Florida briefly. I was only there for maybe a couple weeks just vacationing but we really connected and we became the best of friends instantly and I don't know it's funny because he would always kind of
00:08:08
Speaker
flirt but then I saw him flirt with a bunch of girls and and we just we always remain such close friends and it wasn't until maybe a couple years later when I actually lost my best friend she had heart problems and she she was 23
00:08:31
Speaker
Oh wow. This was a major, was this your first grief experience was her death or had you had any other major grief experiences prior to that?
First Grief: Samantha's Passing
00:08:41
Speaker
I had my aunt that passed away when I was 16, but with that one, it was expected. She was in the hospital for a while. So we kind of knew that was happening, but with my best friend, it was, you know, I,
00:09:00
Speaker
because I talk to her every day on the phone. So we had said, good night, I love you, went to sleep. And then I wake up the next day, I go to work and I was waiting tables at the time. And I look and my phone has all these messages saying, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I was just like, what is going on? And I find out that
00:09:26
Speaker
my best friend passed away. And so I immediately called Matthew and I was just like, I don't know what to do. I can't, I mean, it just felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I had never, ever, ever experienced pain like that before. Like I couldn't even stand up. And so he was there for me. He, since he lived in Florida, he wasn't able to physically be there,
00:09:57
Speaker
He, you know, we did Skype and he was really there for me on the phone. He was just like, you know, I don't care what time it is. If you just want me to sit on the phone, that's what I'll do. Were you guys dating at the time or were you still just friends during that moment when he was supporting you through your first really major grief experience? So we were just still friends at the time.
00:10:26
Speaker
And so what were some of the ways that you, yeah, afterwards. Okay, but what were some of the ways that you were managing your grieving process? What was her name, your friend's name? Her name was Samantha, but I called her Sammy.
00:10:44
Speaker
Okay. So after Sammy's death, like what were some of the things that you would talk to him? What were other, so that was one of the ways that you were able to manage your grief was having your friend as a support. What other tools did you have in your toolbox at that time to manage your grief? Um, honestly, at the time I handled it so poorly. I, um,
00:11:13
Speaker
I tried to deny that she wasn't gone. So I kept telling myself, we're in an argument and she's just not talking to me right now because I just could not deal with it.
Denial and Acceptance of Loss
00:11:28
Speaker
And then once I started kind of accepting it, I just kept looking at pictures of her. I kept going through text messages. I kept calling her phone just to
00:11:43
Speaker
hear the voicemail and then I would just like, I was still posting on her Facebook and sometimes I would just, you know, hope that I would get some kind of response somehow. But I knew, you know, I wasn't going to.
00:12:05
Speaker
Did you have, um, any spiritual beliefs at that time that helped you or any, you know, for that kind of connection, even though she was not there, like when you finally clicked, like when it finally clicked, okay, she's definitely not going to respond. She's not, you know, like voice messages or she's not going to respond to it.
00:12:27
Speaker
So when you accepted the reality of her death, what then? What was something else that you were able to hold on to at that moment?
A Comforting Dream: Moving On
00:12:38
Speaker
It's interesting because I had a dream about her and she didn't appear in my dream, but in the dream, I had picked up my phone and I saw a text message from her and it said, Amber, I'm fine.
00:12:57
Speaker
You can move on. Wow. Wow. This is how much after her death, do you remember? How much longer did you have this dream? This was probably maybe six months after. Did that bring you comfort at that moment, then seeing that in your dream? Yes, it did. It definitely did. I was just like, OK, she's like,
00:13:25
Speaker
You know, her presence is still there, but you know, she's, um, she's telling me it's okay. And at first, you know, we're selfish people sometimes, but I was just like, well, why didn't she come to me all the way? Why did she just send me a text message? You know, why didn't she come to you? But I think she knew that I would not have been able to handle that.
00:13:50
Speaker
Hmm. That's so funny. Like what you're saying that makes me laugh because there's been times in, in which like people that I know, like I have a really good friend that she told me, it's like, Oh, I dreamt with your sister last night. And she was, she was sitting at the edge of the bed and she, and I was like, I don't dream with her and my friend does like, you
00:14:12
Speaker
you know. And I'll be like, maybe it's just that I just don't remember the dream, you know, like, maybe I do dream, I just don't remember it. But it was kind of like that, a little bit of that jealousy, like, she came to her dream and not to me. Right. Why didn't she come all the way? Why didn't we hang out?
00:14:35
Speaker
Why did you do that? Why did she just send me a text? Yeah, that's all I am to you. The drama, the drama of Amber. You know, you're like all dramatic. Why? Exactly. Why? So then Matthew was helping you then in your grieving process. He's in Florida. Did that then start making you kind of like him more? Like at what point did your relationship then with
00:15:05
Speaker
Matthew start shifting in, in that friendship.
Matthew's Support in Grief
00:15:09
Speaker
I think when there was one day he said something to me and I was just like, okay, I gotta be with this guy. What did he say? He said, he said something along the lines of anytime you're not strong enough to carry yourself, I'll carry you. Hmm.
00:15:34
Speaker
And of course, if any woman hears that, you're just like, you know what, bets are off. Yes. Had he already professed his feelings to you at any point or just still with just friendship? There were kind of hints here and there, like he would always jokingly say, you know, if we don't meet someone, then you and I are just going to get married and have kids.
00:16:04
Speaker
And I was just like, you know what? Fair. All right. So then when did you guys start dating then? So how long after you guys had been just friends, did you actually then start dating? Long distance relationship because you're here in Texas, Florida. So when, when did the dynamics of your friendship change?
Challenges of Long-Distance Friendship
00:16:25
Speaker
I would say probably maybe a month or two after I realized like, you know what? I could be with him.
00:16:32
Speaker
And so we were just like, after he said that, after he said that, do you mean after he said that comment of the, I will carry you, but this is how much longer after you had met him. Oh, after I had met him. So it had to have been maybe two years. Oh, you guys. Yeah. You guys had a solid friendship. Yeah. Okay. So then, um, so then tell it, take us a little bit then of the relationship and then what happened afterwards.
00:17:00
Speaker
So I know we had a long distance relationship and we were, we were planning to, I think I was planning to go, yes, I was planning to go to Florida for a few days to see him. And I can't remember, but something came up and then we tried to plan again and then he flaked on me again. And I just, that was starting to,
00:17:29
Speaker
kind of caused, yeah, it was, it was really annoying me. And, and then we started arguing about that, uh, that I was just like, you know, I'm, I'm trying to make these efforts and it just feels like, you know, you want to keep it long distance and you know, what, why. And so we just kept fighting about that. And then one day he was just like, you know what?
00:17:58
Speaker
I can't fight with you anymore. We need to just break up. And immediately I was like, Oh my God, I'm going to lose my friend. You know, because you had also just lost your other friend. So that aspect of not only the relationship, you were more worried about the losing this friend. Yeah. And I think it was, it was a little harder, you know, knowing that he's there, but
00:18:27
Speaker
I can't talk to him. And it was so just, it was so frustrating to me. But I understand now that he just was like, you know what? We need a clean break for now. So we didn't talk for a good six months after we broke up. And then we connected on Facebook again. And it was just like,
00:18:57
Speaker
It was like old friends, like we just didn't even talk about the relationship at the time. And then we became really close, really fast again. And this was, I think this was about the time when I was getting ready to go to California. And then we weren't talking every day like we were before, but we would still keep in touch. And then whenever I was in California,
00:19:27
Speaker
we started talking almost every day again. And I remember I said to him, you know, you should come visit. I'm living in a house with two other girls on the beach. It would be so fun. And, you know, you would just have so much fun. And I remember he was kind of telling me that he was having a hard time. And I just told him, you know what?
00:19:54
Speaker
You know, I was like, I know you live in Florida and there's the Florida sun, but come to California. It's a lot of fun. And I said, plus there's, you know, there's girls in bikinis running around. You'll love it. It's Baywatch. You're too young for the Baywatch. You're too young for the Baywatch days, although there was a movie remake, but you know the reference. Yes. I had a Baywatch Barbie though.
00:20:28
Speaker
So then, so did he ever go and visit or no? No. So actually, um, a couple of days later is when I had my dream about him.
00:20:42
Speaker
And, um, about that dream, another text message, or was this different than Sam? Yeah, this one was, he came to me. So I was, I was a little happy about that, but Matt had came to me in, in this dream and, um, we just had the most perfect day together in California where I was. And, um,
00:21:12
Speaker
We, I think it was like, it was still daytime in the dream, but I went to go take a shower. I think we went to the beach or something. So I went to take a shower and he comes into the bathroom and I was just like, geez, I'm taking a shower. What are you doing? And he smiles and he says, you know, I have to leave now. And I was just like, what do you mean? We, I thought we were going to still hang out. And he was like, no, it's.
00:21:41
Speaker
It's, um, it's time for me to go. And then he smirks again and he looks, I mean, he was like, you look great like that, by the way.
A Farewell Dream: Matthew's Passing
00:21:51
Speaker
And then he, he walks out and I wake up and I get a phone call from one of his friends and he said, Matt passed away last night.
00:22:05
Speaker
Oh my gosh. And this is just, so you get the first thing you, after your dream, the first thing you get is a, sorry, you wake up and you get this phone call. So in that moment, what was your, what was your reaction at that moment? Like what was it? Because you had just seen him too. So in your take, take us through the emotions.
00:22:35
Speaker
So when I got the phone call, I, in my heart, I said, I, I already knew. I just knew because it just, it didn't make sense for him to be in my dream like that. And so vivid. And, you know, whenever you have dreams about people that are still around, typically I know for me, when I dream about
00:23:03
Speaker
you know, my dad or my mom, they don't talk and I don't hear them say anything. And typically it's almost like, like I'm not really manipulating the situation in my dream, but kind of, and like it's, it's things that, that my, my parents normally wouldn't do or say.
00:23:25
Speaker
Okay. So like, you know, you could recognize that the dream you had had was very unique. There was a difference in that dream than any other. So when you felt, when you woke up, you knew there was a different feeling about it. Then you get the call and there was a sense of reassurance of knowing basically you already knew as he called because of the type of dream you had had. So was it a sense, was there a feeling of calm to some extent because you had just
00:23:55
Speaker
seen him and already knew or was it more like of shock? Like I can't believe he came to my dream. Like what before, you know, like I can't believe he visited me basically before he passed or we don't know the timing to either write what time to add. He had, what time had he, you know, do you know the timeline? I know that he had passed that, that night, the night before. So it had to have been,
00:24:23
Speaker
my assumption is it had to have been right right when he passed and he I'm I'm wondering if maybe it was right before he you know he completely passed yeah that's what I'm thinking and it was it was some calming and then it was also just like I can't believe it and then
00:24:53
Speaker
I felt like, wow, if I'm the last person that he was just like, I gotta, I have to get to her. It's just like, I don't know, sometimes I'm just like, wow, you know, that makes me realize how important I was in his life.
00:25:24
Speaker
Did that feeling help you in your grieving process? The knowing that you had been special in his life, did that help you in your grief? It did, but it also- Or was it? Now you didn't have somebody else. Yeah, because he had been there for you when Sami died, and now who was going to be there to help you in this other grief experience now?
Coping with Loneliness and Loss
00:25:51
Speaker
Right. And I felt really alone with that because I was just like, you're the one I turn to when somebody goes. So what now? And I was dating this guy at the time, but I just, I think I just kind of compared him to Matt and I was just like, you know, I'm never going to feel the same way about this guy.
00:26:24
Speaker
That was the hard one. How was he then finding out when you told the guy, was he in California, the guy you were dating? Yeah, he was there. When you told him your ex-boyfriend had died, was he supportive? What was that kind of interaction then? He tried to be, but I was just like, I don't...
00:26:53
Speaker
I was like, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want you around me comforting me. I'd rather be alone for this one.
00:27:07
Speaker
How interesting, right? Because yeah, like how different your experience was at that moment of how you wanted to grieve. You needed somebody when Sammy died to kind of be there for you in that grieving process, but then now your support system who had been Matt or Matthew,
00:27:25
Speaker
uh during Sammy's death dies and this this time you want to kind of deal with this grief alone right what other things did you do um to help you do you since you're a journalist or that's your started study journalism do you write as a way of processing your emotions is writing something you do like for your emotions i um i did for the longest time i had a journal
00:27:56
Speaker
But I, um, I think after that is when I had stopped writing in my journal, because I was just like, I don't, I think with Matt, I was trying to bury it. So I was like, I don't want to be immersed in this grave. So I don't want to write about it. And I was just really.
00:28:23
Speaker
hoping that he would come back in my dream, but of course he didn't. It was, you know, that was him saying goodbye. So, you know, selfish me again was just like, why can't you just, you did it once, why can't you come back? Do it again, whatever you did, do it again.
00:28:46
Speaker
or at least you remembering if I get like like I say like maybe you do it just maybe you just don't remember
00:28:57
Speaker
Yeah. Now, how about your roommates? You said you had roommates. How did they help you in that process? Or had they ever experienced something like that, that they were able to be supportive at all? Or did they not empathize? Had they been, you know what I mean? It's different when people have not gone through experience. I actually didn't tell them. What?
00:29:22
Speaker
Yeah. It was like just business as usual with them. Like I was just like, this is mine. This is mine to deal. Are you serious? Yeah. So I didn't even tell them. Wow. Amber did they notice, like, would they notice your moods being different? Like the, in you, how did you play that out? Like this is the people you live with. Yeah. So.
00:29:52
Speaker
I just kind of stayed in my room and I also, I was working a lot. So I just, I ended up working even more trying to just not even deal with it. And then afterwards I would go to my friend's house and I would stay there till like four or five o'clock in the morning until everybody is asleep and then come in.
00:30:21
Speaker
just because I was just like, I don't, I don't want to deal with it. And then my friends, like they were, they were just, they weren't like real friends. They were more of like hang out and party friends. So I would always go to their house.
00:30:38
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So it was still another avoidance. So when you go there, it was still not, you weren't even sharing with those people either. You were just, it was another distraction. So you used work as a distraction, partying or whatever as a distraction to not, you know, hanging out with people, you know, people and stuff.
00:30:57
Speaker
Not talking about your emotions. So not did you talk about his passing with your family? You know or or nothing at all to nobody I Talked to my aunt. I know I had told her you know that he passed and then I told my mom and then whenever she was just like, you know My god, I'm so sorry. I was like, nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. We're not going there. I'm just telling you what's happening. I
00:31:27
Speaker
I don't want, I don't want to, you know, go through the, you know, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? I was like, I don't, I don't want to go through that. So then what were some of the things that you did that, so if you didn't talk to anybody, you didn't write, you didn't feel like writing what you avoided for a while because you were just distracting. So at what point did you start kind of unpacking these emotions then?
00:31:58
Speaker
I think whenever I would be all by myself at the end of the day after work, after being around people, I would just cry my eyes out. Yeah, I think that was the only way I was dealing with it.
00:32:23
Speaker
But that, and that's fine. So you were allowing those emotions to come out and this is 2014 or 2015. What year was this? Cause you said you had gone to California in 2014. So what year did this happen? What year did he pass away? I want to say this was probably about 2015. So you still were in California. At what point did you come back to, um,
00:32:52
Speaker
to Texas and then what does the grief look like now? What is your grief after the passing of Sammy and the passing of Matthew look like now?
Healing at Samantha's Grave
00:33:04
Speaker
Well, I came back to Texas about a year later and one of the first things I did actually when I came back to Texas was I went to visit Sammy's grave and I actually haven't done that since, which it's been
00:33:21
Speaker
like four years now, but I went to visit her grave and that really helped me, I think, because before I could not talk about her without crying. There was no way, but now I just, I really just focus on the time that I had with these people. I feel like with, with Sammy, she knew me like nobody else knew me and she had my back like,
00:33:51
Speaker
nobody else had my back. And I just think about, there was this guy I was dating, I think I was maybe like 21, but she had found out that he was cheating on me. And so she goes and confronts him at a bar and she was like, listen.
00:34:15
Speaker
Amber is my best friend. She was like, you are not going to treat her that way. She deserves so much better than you. And I had no idea that she did this until years later. Nope. I wasn't even there. Oh, wow. So she just, yeah.
00:34:42
Speaker
She was a really, really good friend. And then she also, um, she was a really good writer and she would send me things that she would write and I would just be like, oh my God, Sam, this is amazing. You need to, you need to, you know, do something with this. And when I, I remember when I was at her funeral, her mom was just like, oh my God, Sam just thought so highly of you. When you told her she was a good writer, she was just,
00:35:11
Speaker
You know, she was like, oh my God, Amber thinks I'm a good writer. She's a real writer and she thinks I'm a good writer. And I, I just thought that was amazing. But yeah, I was like that girl, like, I thought I was good, but.
00:35:27
Speaker
She was really good. You had both admired each other, which is so beautiful in a friendship, but you could look up to somebody like that and you both actually had that for each other. Do you feel that knowing that she felt so highly about your writing, does that inspire you to want to do more with your writing in general now or
00:35:54
Speaker
or not because sometimes it could go the other way. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Cause I just, it's funny because, um, I'll have people tell me like, you really need to pick up your writing again. You need to do something with your writing. And so I, I've started to write for myself again, just a little, you know, little by little.
00:36:22
Speaker
But I would love to maybe write some short stories and actually write about Sam and Matt and maybe make some short stories, or not make up short stories, but just write short stories about our time together.
00:36:44
Speaker
And even if it's for you, like, again, that's why it surprised me that you had not used writing as your way of grieving, you know, or mourning their death. Because being that is something you do, a lot of times we end up using the tools
00:37:03
Speaker
we already have, you know, as ways of expressing that. So it may even if it's because grief keeps going, it just changes right with the time that it's still there. So it may be an interesting way of keeping on unpacking some of that and the emotions and seeing what comes on on paper may be very different than what comes up when you share their stories telling them, you know, like,
00:37:30
Speaker
Right when you write it since it is something that you do What do you feel has been something that you can see? That you are grateful for in this process of this very painful experience of losing your best friend I will just say to really best, you know, do your two best friends because that's
Cherishing Relationships and Love
00:37:54
Speaker
what Matthew really more represented for you more than yeah relationship so what
00:38:00
Speaker
would you say is something you could be grateful for in this in that it with it amidst the pain of grief I Would say that one of the main lessons that these two losses taught me is that you have to really Hold your relationships with people dearly and
00:38:28
Speaker
And don't ever think, oh, I'll just call him tomorrow because you may not get that chance. So I don't, um, I don't hesitate to tell the people around me that I love them every chance I get. I, you know, I don't hesitate to tell them how much they mean to me all the time. You know, even with my mom, I just tell her all the time, you are the literally
00:38:59
Speaker
an angel on earth and I love you so much. And I tell her that every single day. So I just try to make sure that everybody around me knows how much they mean to me. It's made you value.
00:39:19
Speaker
those relationships and making sure that they know how much they're meaningful to you. Now, have you been able to build friendships like the ones you had with them now? No, I have not. I feel like my friendships I have are surface.
00:39:47
Speaker
We could go deeper into this part, but I don't know if it's for the podcast, but we could go deeper into that conversation. For sure. I'll just ask quickly, do you fear bonding?
00:40:07
Speaker
as much as you did with Sammy and with Matthew again, do you fear feeling the pain you felt from losing them again? I think some of it is that and then a lot of it too is that I'm just like these are two great people that I don't think anybody will ever compare to them. And then it's it may be
00:40:36
Speaker
strange, but I always feel like Samantha would be, you know, kind of like, how dare you replace me? Really? Do you think so? Really? Even after that text she sent you in your dream? Yeah, I know. I just I guess just knowing how she was when she was alive. She was very, very possessive. Like if you called me or
00:41:04
Speaker
you know, if anybody said, oh, Amber's my best friend, she'd be like, no, she's my best friend.
00:41:10
Speaker
I bet that in journaling you'll be able to probably process some of that and realize that it's probably she'd want you to be able to have those kind of relationships. You know how we were talking when we were talking about the life after because this is how I found out a little bit about the dream that you had had because we were talking deeply about this subject last week.
00:41:36
Speaker
And that aspect of the attachments, you know, to this, you know, there's no more attachment to this world, you know, after somebody's passing. So even those things of the attachments to the friendships, as much as they still love us, I bet that that aspect is probably not. I'm sure she's not holding on to that part of being the jealousy, those kind of emotions. Yeah.
00:41:59
Speaker
She's released those things that she probably would have probably had attachments to on this mortal realm, browsing by now. But yeah, so what other things do you feel that you're grateful to have had them in your life? What were some of the things you learned from Sami and from Matt?
00:42:27
Speaker
I think from Sammy, I definitely learned how to really celebrate my gifts. I think she definitely taught me that because she was always like my biggest cheerleader. And with Matt, I think I just learned that, you know, if just because I
00:42:57
Speaker
a romantic relationship doesn't work out. The love that you have, it can always remain platonic and a friendship.
00:43:14
Speaker
So beautiful. And they were both so lucky to have you also as their friend.
Gratitude for Lessons Learned
00:43:20
Speaker
And they're still very lucky to have you sharing their story and their gifts also to others. So thank you for continuing their legacy and sharing their life. So thank you and for sharing a little bit about them on here. Is there anything else that you wanted to say that I might have not asked?
00:43:44
Speaker
Um, I think that's all and thank you for letting me talk about them. It's, it's, it has been a while. Yes. There's a cleansing component to it and that's, yeah, that it, it, um.
00:44:00
Speaker
And a lot of it, yeah, that's why I even do this for myself too, like when I'm having these podcasts, hearing other people's stories, reminiscing even on some of the things that I relate to what they're sharing. There is really like this, yeah, it is part of that morning kind of process as well. And it helps, it's, yeah, I don't know if cleansing is the word I feel more relates to that aspect.
00:44:27
Speaker
And there's a comfort to talk to somebody that can relate to some extent in what you're going through. And all the listeners will relate. And I'm sure a lot of times people when they're listening, they might have not had somebody very, you know, like a
00:44:44
Speaker
parent or something like that pass away, but a lot of us do have friends. It's some of my first grief experience. No, my first grief experiences were all friends. So I know that that is still a really hard process. So anyway, but thank you so much for sharing. And I know that a lot of the listeners will be able to relate to your journey. Thank you, my dear. Thank you again.
00:45:17
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:45:45
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.