Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Guest Andee Martineau: Choosing Connection over Correction in Parenting {Episode 42}
144 Plays5 years ago
https://www.instagram.com/andeemartineau/https://connectmethodparenting.com/We love bringing experts on the show to share their knowledge with you all and we're especially excited to include some great parenting knowledge in today's episode!
Andee Martineau is a mother of 6 and a coach to moms everywhere who are struggling to improve their children's behavior and stop the cycle of frustration and yelling. Andee is a certified life coach and has helped thousands of moms better understand their children's need for connection and acceptance.
Where you can find Andee:
Get her book!
Connect Method Parenting Website
Facebook
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Episode Overview
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey guys, welcome back to Outnumber the Podcast. Today we are on episode 42 and we are so excited to hear from a wonderful friend and amazing mom mentor, Andy Martineau. She is gonna talk to you guys about her tips and tricks for coaching moms and how to stop the yelling and improve the connection. I cannot wait for you guys to hear from her.
00:00:24
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. And we're homeschooling moms to a combined total of 18 children. We know firsthand that motherhood is full of crazy chaos and overwhelming obligations, but it should also be full of love and laughter. Regardless of where you are on your journey, come join us as we work together to find joy in the chaos of motherhood.
Andy Martineau's Parenting Insights
00:00:49
Speaker
Welcome back to the podcast. We are on episode number 42 and we are so excited to welcome my friend Andy Martineau to the show today. And Andy, thank you so much for joining. I'm so excited. Thanks for having me on. I'm excited to talk about all things mom today with you guys. My favorite topics.
00:01:05
Speaker
Yeah, ours too. Yes, we are so excited to have you. Yeah, totally. Okay, so I'm just going to give a quick little background as to how I met Andy and then we'll let her give us some awesome info. So Andy was a homeschooling mom when I first started homeschooling. Gosh, I don't know when I first met you, maybe like eight years ago or something.
00:01:25
Speaker
And at the time I was brand new to having kids out of the public school system. I was terrified and also super excited. And Andy hosted this fun little play date thing at her big, beautiful house. And so we would drive out there and let my kids run around her. What did you have, like three acres or something?
Homeschooling and Social Skills Concerns
00:01:44
Speaker
Yeah, like three and a half acres. And so the kids would just run around and have so much fun. And I would just sit and listen to what all these super amazing experienced moms had to say. And I'd go,
00:01:53
Speaker
So someday my kids are going to turn out like they're kids and it's going to be okay. I'm kind of talking myself off a ledge. So I have really fond memories of those first few years of homeschooling because of you and so many awesome moms that I got to learn from. So that's how I know. Yeah. Think about that all the time. It was such a fun, such a fun time, right? To all be learning together. It's awesome.
00:02:14
Speaker
Yes, yes. So Andy is the mom that you talk about, the one who you decided that homeschooling might be okay by looking at her and her kids. Yes. She had, she had normal kids. Yeah. Totally. I know. That's one of the things we get worried about with homeschooling, right? Is that our kids are going to like completely turn out socially, you know, inept, but yeah. Yeah. And they might, but it won't be homeschooling. Yeah. Just happens. We don't get it controlled out, but homeschooling doesn't necessarily cause that.
00:02:43
Speaker
Right. True. Well, yeah, we're so excited to hear what you have to say today, Andy, but we were wanting to ask you, we'd like to start off with some humor. So do you have something funny that you or your kids have done that you can share with us?
00:02:57
Speaker
Yeah, you know, it's so funny you asked and I, this is just something that happened most recently. I could go back and bring up, we could talk a whole episode probably about all of the funny things our kids have done or we've done, but my son, he's almost 16 and he was over at a friend's house most of Saturday. We kept chatting anyway.
00:03:16
Speaker
All of the sudden I get, he comes home actually. I will, I get word that his, that one of the little sisters has permed her hair and all of a sudden it's so funny just because of his personality. I'm like, Oh my gosh, he's totally going to perm his hair. Granted he has like beautiful curly, like it's curly and cute. Like it's really cute hair. He comes home though. And I'm like, he walks the door. He's like, look what I did. I'm like, yeah, you totally permed your hair. Like Napoleon. He looks like Napoleon dynamite, like that.
00:03:44
Speaker
And I'm like, you know, it's just hilarious. So I don't know, dumb things. He's been like trying. He's watched it like 12 times now. And he's gonna go swimming and try to get the chlorine to bring it out. Because he's like, this is not what I thought. Okay, that was gonna be my next question. Was it not as anticipated? He was a little freaked out about it. And I guess perms are back in
Life Coaching and Parenting Approaches
00:04:03
Speaker
you guys. Did you know that perms are in
00:04:06
Speaker
I can't even believe it's like the 80s coming back and it's just it's making me go crazy but I guess perms are in but he the thing is he had yeah he had great curly it like a nice loose curl before yeah it did not turn out the way so I told him he should just dress up as Napoleon Dynamite and just go perfect
00:04:28
Speaker
Yeah, we're almost to Halloween. Perfect. Pedro and someone else to be Deb and you'll be quite the trio. And he's just kind of, he's just kind of horrified. He's like, no, what I need mom is lots of moose. I'm like, Oh my gosh. Well, I do have some moose. You can try. So I don't know. Just a recent thing. He doesn't like prepare for it either. So I don't think he'll cut it all off. So we're just gonna live with this row. And that's really fine. But I think it's okay to do their thing, right? And just be like,
00:04:56
Speaker
Yeah, what a great lesson. And I'm sure you're going to talk about this about kids just, yeah, facing their own constant minor one, you know, like marriage.
00:05:03
Speaker
is not a big deal. Yeah. In the grand scheme of things. I love it. But I have to say, aren't, aren't teenage boys just so much fun? I mean, seriously. Oh my gosh. They're, they're more fun than I ever, he's my, well, no, no, I have all three of my boys. My oldest is 20 now, but so he's not a teenager, I guess technically, but I have, he's, he's almost 16 and I have 14 year olds. They're so fun. Oh my gosh. They're so fun. He's like drops and does pushups all the time. He's always like,
00:05:31
Speaker
I mean, it's just like a totally fun dynamic. I love it. I love teenage boys. Yeah. We have an episode, actually our episode after your episode is coming up. It's about raising boys and man, Bonnie and I, we just love boys. They are. Yeah. They are so fun. We'll see how the teenage girls go. We haven't gotten there yet. I'm a little terrified. So yeah, it's a different, it's totally different.
00:05:58
Speaker
Okay, so we are going to move on to just learn a little bit about you, Andy. So can you tell us a little bit about you, your family, and just a few words about what you do as coach.
00:06:08
Speaker
Yeah, so I've been married to my husband 22 years. It's so crazy. And we have six kids. My oldest is 20. And I have all the way down to an 11-year-old, three girls, three boys. And like you said, I home schooled for 10 years. This is only their second year back at public school, which has been, oh my gosh, a totally different adventure.
00:06:32
Speaker
just kind of like went through and I know you guys both have lots of kids and can totally relate and probably I'm sure people listening can too but just the the realities of like when you have all those little kids at home and you're kind of just totally outnumbered you're totally like at a loss you're overwhelmed like all of that I have lived that and
00:06:52
Speaker
and really wouldn't change anything except for maybe wishing I'd learned some things maybe a little sooner. That would have been really fun. But it's been a super fun adventure and it's crazy to think that I'm at this place now, but yeah, I love it. All of it. Give us a little glimpse into what this coaching thing is and what that looks like. Yeah, the coaching thing.
00:07:16
Speaker
Well, I coach moms. And the reason I started, I never thought, if you had asked me like three years ago if I would have been doing this, I would have laughed and be like, what are you talking about? I'm never going to do that. But it just kind of evolved. It's been like the most, I don't know. It's been really, really cool to watch how it happens, how it has happened rather. But now I help moms.
00:07:40
Speaker
really learn the difference between corrective parenting and connective parenting, which isn't something I went and necessarily got clear on or got like a certification on or anything. In fact, I hadn't heard those two terms when it started like coming to me and like, Oh my gosh, it's connective parenting. That's what it's about. But it just, it evolved and, um,
00:08:02
Speaker
really just came about really organically. I got trained to be a life coach and thought I was just going to use it mostly just on myself, like use the training to like really get really good on like just showing up the way I wanted to with myself. But then I started realizing, oh my gosh, this is, this is so applicable to so many things. We have a really interesting, like sorted homeschooling adventure. That's super fun, but really non-traditional even for homeschooling. And some of my kids started like,
00:08:30
Speaker
doing crazy things like practicing piano and playing with concertos and doing crazy things. And some moms started coming to me and being like, what are you doing? I can't even get my teenager to make their bed. But your teenagers were practicing piano and doing all these other things. And they knew I couldn't force them to do it. So it made me start to pause for the first time after being in
Intentional Parenting Journey
00:08:50
Speaker
the rush of being a mom for
00:08:52
Speaker
15 well probably at the time it was like 16 years because my oldest was about 16 and like Starting to like pull it apart So that was when I started to like inspect like what was going on what had happened What was working what wasn't working and starting like getting really well, I'd always been intentional about studying parenting That was like always a passion of mine, but like getting clear like what at what? What is it that's worked? You know what's not and
00:09:16
Speaker
Then I got life trained to be a life coach and so they too just like blended together because once I learned studied like or got more clear rather about like the connective parenting framework that just was so clear to me that that's what had happened over the last
00:09:31
Speaker
you know, 16 years where I had kind of come from corrective base to connective base. And then I saw the tools and how the life coaching tools like helped bridge some of the gaps and fill in some of the holes was like this is so brilliant and so then I started sharing it with people.
00:09:47
Speaker
and got some more certifications and got more clarity. And it's just kind of evolved off of that. And now here I am. I can't even, it's like the craziest. I would have thought I would still be homeschooling, but now my kids are at school and I'm coaching mom. So it's been this really crazy, crazy adventure, but super fun. Yeah. That is, that is so cool. I love that you started when you already had 16 years of experience. I mean,
00:10:12
Speaker
It's so authentic to get advice from a mom who's, you know, doesn't have just a one year old telling you how to parent or like, you know, like Bonnie and I waiting to start this podcast until we each had eight and a half kids. We were both pregnant with our ninth when we started podcasting, like, okay, maybe there's a little bit of weight to what we say about parenting because we've done it. And that's exactly like the point where you're coming from. You had a lot of experience parenting.
00:10:41
Speaker
and you were getting success and other people were asking you about your success. So I just love that, that you added, you started training from a position already of authority. That's pretty cool.
00:10:52
Speaker
Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I think it definitely helped to have the experience. And like I said, like I had, like Bonnie was talking about in the early days, like we, we had like when we first started homeschooling 10 years ago, 12 years ago, bring we would bring in parenting code, like experts and like read books and have discussions and like, as a community, I was trying to bring together people like to study parent because parenting and individually, I was studying and going to retreats and stuff. So
00:11:17
Speaker
It's fun now to see where that landed me 16 years into the adventure. Yeah, and then dissect it and just take it from that place. It's been really awesome and fascinating. I've seen a lot of failures, places where I'm like, that didn't work so great. But also just like, I'm able to go back and be like, that is I think one of the, for instance, just all of the time we had together as a family and the time we connected.
00:11:44
Speaker
in it, like without me really realizing it, that created some chain reactions that so grateful for. But now I can go back and say, okay, I got lucky and it just happened. I mean, I studied it and I tried my best, but like, I can now go back and say like, these were the key pivotal times.
00:12:01
Speaker
in my family and then I'm support like I can find research it's like oh here's also academia saying this is what works you know and look I just accidentally did it yeah and then and then teach it right from that place of like okay here's what here's what worked here's didn't work here's my like I'm being really authentic and like vulnerable and like being honest and here's how science supports it and here's some terms to put it together and here's how you can not have to wait 16 years right to like have it
00:12:27
Speaker
And it wasn't that like it wasn't working until it was 16 years. It was just 16 years till I understood maybe that with the clarity.
00:12:35
Speaker
that I wish I would have had earlier, right? If someone had been like, can you like, let's talk about the difference between corrective parenting and connective parenting and why discipline doesn't work the way you think it works. I'm like, that would have been so, so awesome, but it all happens the way it's supposed to happen. So now I get to teach other people. Yeah. Well, I just have to say from a personal standpoint that, you know, not every mother, um, understands what
00:12:59
Speaker
intentional parenting is and even knows to seek that out as a young, inexperienced mom. And I think it took me many years before I realized, wait a minute, becoming a good mom is not something that's just gonna fall into my lap once I have a 16-year-old. I'll be like, well, I've been doing this for 16 years, I know what I'm doing. No, but you're talking about going out and finding the experts to learn from and reading the books and putting these things into practice and trying and failing and trying to, like I have a friend who's always talking about parenting being kind of like running a business, right? You're running your household.
00:13:26
Speaker
And I, I just think that, yes, if we want our parenting skills to get better, we have to look at this like a job. We have to, we have to try and we have to train and we have to put things into practice and when they don't work, go back to the drawing board and figure it out again. So I love, I love that. Yeah, that's totally true. The gift to be super intentional. I remember like walking in when my, he's now the same guy who gave himself a perm. We'll had his friend give him a perm and him, him being a three year old.
00:13:52
Speaker
And he had gotten into our Costco size baby powder. And I had been busy and not very intentional that day. And he and his two-year-old brother had made our playroom look like a snow house. They were snowmen, everything. We had just gotten a Gabe cube, and that was a square snowball. And everything was just white. It was a total disaster.
00:14:16
Speaker
And I think that was one of the moments and I probably most moms have some moment where they're like, Oh my gosh, like I got to wake up. I got to like do something different. Like this isn't because I flipped out, right? Like I yelled and it was so mad and fresh. I mean, it was a, it was a disaster. I mean, Oh my gosh, I wish I had taken pictures. I wish I'd been in the right mind to like enjoy the, enjoy the scene for a second instead of just been like, Oh my gosh, this is six hours of work now. You know, every toy, everything.
00:14:41
Speaker
Um, but for me, that was one of those wake up moments. Like, holy cow. Like I can't flip out. Like I can't, this isn't going to work. You know what I mean? Like I've got to do something different and, um, and got really intentional. And I think got like what your friends are like, I realized this is a job. I'm not just going to like naturally show up and be patient with my child and they're going to keep making big messes. You know, that's my like baby powder blizzard. I call it the baby powder blizzard. Like we all have that moment, right? We're like, Hey,
00:15:10
Speaker
I got to get a little bit more intentional about how I'm going to think about this because I think we think as young girls, we're just going to figure it out. It's just going to all work out beautifully and no problem. Yeah. I think that it goes beyond just young girls. I think there's a lot of parents who
00:15:30
Speaker
Well, I don't know, something my husband and I sort of get a little frustrated when people say to us is, oh, you're so lucky you have such good kids. And we just we just want to tell them, well, it's not luck. We're being intentional about what we do. And that's why our kids are the way they are. So I love what you're saying. I can never do that. I'm just not patient enough or something. And I'm like, the patience doesn't come before it comes as a result of, you know,
00:15:59
Speaker
When people tell me that, oh, you must have the patience of Job, I say, absolutely not, but I will when I'm done. Right. By the time they're all gone, I'm going to be amazing. Fingers crossed. Yeah, I love that. It's just so true. So let's go back to that time when you sort of came to that moment and talk to us a little bit more about what did you struggle with most as a younger mom and exactly what did you do to overcome it?
00:16:22
Speaker
Um, I think that the biggest, well, some of the biggest things just overwhelm, just feeling like I had, cause I had, um, my, well, all six of mine are in eight years. So it was just like tight, right? Like super tight. And so I think just the chaos managing the chaos and, and.
00:16:44
Speaker
I think getting wrapped up in my kids behavior thinking that meant something about them or about me overreacting to thinking like that story I just said you know with the baby power blizzard like thinking that was a bigger problem than it really was you know what I mean like
00:16:59
Speaker
It's just so easy as a young mom to be tired, and to like not be thinking straight, and to make so much more out of things that if we just could step back from, we would realize, oh, that's, that's really not as big of a deal. But I, I just got sucked into all of that. I mean, sleep deprivation, feeling like you never had a moment, right, to, to really take care of yourself, because you were always
00:17:22
Speaker
on duty. And yes, my husband was amazing, but they had different responsibilities, right? And so just never feeling like I was completely offloaded of all of
Curiosity and Understanding in Parenting
00:17:31
Speaker
that. Even if we were out of town, I was thinking about the kids in a different way I felt. So whether that was true or not, I don't know. But I think just overwhelm and also just not knowing what else to do. I look back before I got super intentional about learning about parenting and just the only thing I knew was
00:17:48
Speaker
to react with like correction right to get frustrated or to or if I wasn't frustrated I felt like I needed to do something about it in a way that you know looked a lot like a consequence all of the time you know and not really knowing anything else so maybe just confusion and doubt you know and then feeling bad like that cycle right of like
00:18:12
Speaker
I don't know what to do. I did something. Oh, maybe that wasn't the right thing. Oh, shoot. You know, repeat, repeat, repeat, you know, and I think feeling kind of stuck. Yeah, I definitely think a lot of moms, most moms can relate, relate to that feeling. So give us give us a hint. What did you do to overcome this?
00:18:30
Speaker
Well, it's funny that you guys were saying that your friend says parenting is a full-time job. Because I feel like there was that moment when I completely lost my cool with my kids. And that was just one of many, where I totally lost it. But that was one of the defining moments for me, where I just decided I wasn't going to stop until I figured this out. So it was.
00:18:58
Speaker
It was a decision to get my hand on every book I could possibly get. Ask any mom I knew that I felt like I had good kids that were obeying or listening or something. Just trying to stay in a place where I could receive any goodness that would come my way, any inspiration.
00:19:17
Speaker
I don't know it felt like to be honest I go back and I remember for years just not feeling like I was making even with all the study not making the progress I thought. I remember thinking my voice could just be softer and kinder. That would be the solution you know like it's just my voice I need to start speaking a kinder tone but not realizing that there was more to it than that you know so
00:19:42
Speaker
I think it was just consistency that got me out of it. Like getting to a place where I wasn't letting myself.
00:19:50
Speaker
be defined by my failures and realizing I was doing the best I could. When I really got clear like I'm doing the very best I could because I would never do anything but love my kids and be kind and nice and patient. So in that moment I must not have been able to and how can I get curious about that? That really started helping me
00:20:12
Speaker
be more gentle with myself. And I think when we're more gentle with ourselves, we actually can learn and grow. And I think when we beat ourselves up, when moms do that a lot, we beat ourselves up and we think it's helpful. And when I realized it's not helpful, like that's not helping me. It's not helping my kids. Like I believe that's, that was one of the big, biggest things that helped me, you know, it's to just be kind to myself first.
00:20:36
Speaker
That is so powerful. I think we could end the podcast right here and that would give mom's total food for thought enough to help them become the greater version of themselves. That is so powerful. Oh, thanks. Yeah. I love two things that you talked about. I could totally tell you've had that life coach training because it's the life coach vocabulary, right?
00:20:58
Speaker
Um, one saying you're staying curious about what the issue is, right? Like, okay, so what, so I do love my children. When, when I'm capable of it, I speak in this kind, gentle tone. Why am I not capable of it right now? What has happened? What have I allowed to, you know, myself to think or feel or whatever that's
00:21:14
Speaker
put me in this place where all I can do is yell. So instead of blaming yourself, you're just saying, this isn't me. Let's figure out the problem. And also that you're talking about asking yourself why this is a problem. I just think that that is so powerful that as young moms, I think most of us are like, there's a mess, freak out. Kids aren't listening, freak out. Anything that doesn't go along with our
00:21:39
Speaker
preconceived notions of what parenting should look like is caused to freak out. But why don't we just stop and say, well, is it really a problem? Is it really going to matter in five years? Is it really going to matter tomorrow? Just to break it down and ask all these questions like you say, to be gentle with yourself. I love that thought. It's so beautiful.
00:21:56
Speaker
I love when I'm trying to remember to be gentle with myself or when I'm helping a mom try to be gentle with herself, just adding, and that's okay at the end. It's okay I'm frustrated. It's okay that the kids made a mess. Just in the moment to just stop resisting and be like, here's what happened. What are my options? From such a kind,
00:22:21
Speaker
neutral place. I think just, I don't know. It's a helpful, just a helpful mindset to be in instead of like you're saying like a freak out, like this isn't okay. And to remember, I love saying this to moms too, like behavior is just information.
00:22:35
Speaker
Like we, we have all of this meaning about it, but if it's just information, then we get to really, like it's information that something's going on with that child, right? That they would hit there, they would elbow their sister that happened in our house last week, sister, elbow the other one, you don't like it. It's like, that means nothing about her. Just information. It's telling me that something's off.
00:22:56
Speaker
Right. And we so often think that it means something about them and it means something about us. But it's like it's just it's just communication. It's just a way for them to communicate because they can't always communicate what's going on, how they're feeling. Right. So sometimes it just comes out in behavior.
00:23:12
Speaker
And so it's our job to decipher that. And if we think about it, we do that too. Sometimes we wake up and we're really irritated or whatever. We can't even maybe always articulate why. So our kids do that too sometimes. And so I just love saying it's just information. It's not a problem. It's just an opportunity to find out more about your kids.
Exploring the STEAR Model
00:23:32
Speaker
That's awesome. That sounds totally like what we were talking about on our episode with, um, about temper tantrums. Yeah. Yeah. Just information. So, so I wanted to ask you to go a little bit in depth on, um, that steer model that you teach to just kind of open listeners minds up to, to that model of, of how to break down a problem.
00:23:56
Speaker
Seriously, one of the most powerful tools I've ever applied in my own life or taught to moms, but just this idea that we can see how the world works. So it starts with and try to like picture this since I know no one can see like any visuals, but
00:24:11
Speaker
It's at steer, but it's spelled S T E A R. So it's an acronym and it doesn't spell it correctly. So forgive me. But, um, yeah, we'll, we'll spell that out in the show notes for sure. Cause it's pretty simple, but you know, sometimes it's nice to see it. Yeah. Yeah. Growing up in Montana, steer for me is like.
00:24:30
Speaker
the cow with one. Yeah, the cow with one. But like a steering wheel is kind of how I think about it. Like it can steer your thoughts for better or worse or whatever. And so, so as a situation, and it's just the facts happening in our life, it's just really the things that we could
00:24:52
Speaker
take a picture of or do a recording of and get 100 people to all agree. So that's why it's super helpful. Even things like moms will say, my kids are throwing a tantrum. And I'm like, OK, well, let's get specific. Tell me exactly what that looks like. Because for one mom, a tantrum is not the same as another mom. So we couldn't all agree. Because if your child
00:25:14
Speaker
is having, you know, you get what I'm saying, like, right, there's a spectrum of what a tantrum is. For one mom, it's like they said no and turned their back on me. And I'm like, they're having a tantrum, you know, and another mom, it's like they're flailing on the ground. And so it's good. And even from kid to kid, a tantrum looks
00:25:30
Speaker
Totally, right? A tantrum can be so different. And so sometimes we think we're just saying the news, like my kid had a tantrum. We think everyone should just agree with us or know what we are saying, or we have this judgment, right? There's so much baked into what that means. And so getting really just factual about it and be like, if you can't get a hundred people to all agree,
00:25:49
Speaker
then it's not a fact right so you have to dial it down and kind of get a little bit more boring no adjectives no meaning so that's what the situation is and it just helps us see things as well the the goal really is to just see things as neutral right to just see things as like this is what's happening and then I get to make a decision about how I want to think and feel about it so that's the exercise of that is just to
00:26:14
Speaker
to pull apart the facts. And then you have your thought about it. Scientists say there's like 30 to 60,000 thoughts going on in our brain every day, which is a ridiculous amount. So obviously we're not like purposely thinking all those thoughts, but we definitely attach on to certain ones. And so we have something happen like a tantrum, right? A child laying on the ground with their arms, you know, moving.
00:26:36
Speaker
And we're like, that's, you know, my child's having a tantrum and that's, you know, they shouldn't be. So we have this thought about it. And then that makes us feel a certain way. So the next one would be the emotions that we have, the emotional response that comes from the thought.
00:26:51
Speaker
the thought probably if they're having a tantrum and that you know they shouldn't be it's going to feel like frustrated or irritated so you can see how we start this like chain reaction and then all the actions that are driven or kind of like come as a result of that emotion they're all flavored
00:27:07
Speaker
with that emotion. So if I'm irritated or frustrated or upset, even if I go in and I'm using what I think is a kind voice or being calm in my body, that emotion is still there and people can feel it, especially kids. I think they're like amazing at feeling.
00:27:23
Speaker
our feelings you know like being able to pick up on it and so all of those those actions are flavored or seasoned i feel like that's just a nice way to describe it like with that whether we like it or not and then we get to this end result so the r is for result so situation is the s is situation t is for thought the thought we choose to attach to it so even though there's lots of thoughts whatever we decide you know we're going to actually put some
00:27:48
Speaker
weighed in and then we have an emotional response that starts to fuel our actions and then we have a result. So if our thought was they shouldn't be having a tantrum, we feel frustrated and then we go ask them, we carry them out of the room and we tell them they shouldn't have a tantrum, they're way too old for this.
00:28:07
Speaker
The result is that most likely we're helping them know that something's not okay with them and we're disconnecting from them and we're having this result where instead of getting to where we maybe want to be with our children, where we have influence or we can actually help them see a better way to respond, we're actually losing influence and we're
00:28:29
Speaker
We're really not getting where we want to be because you can't get a positive result from a negative emotion, even though we totally think we can. I used to totally think I could be frustrated and still get the child to change. They might be quiet or play the game with me and go to timeout and be quiet, but it's usually just because they want to get out of the consequence as quick as possible, not because they're truly like,
00:28:53
Speaker
have his change of heart. Like I'll never throw a tantrum again. And if they're little, obviously, you know, they're not thinking that clearly. But if it was like an older child that was throwing a tantrum, they're probably more like just bothered by feeling like something's wrong with them, you know, and mom's let me know. Yeah. So that's interesting that you say it's almost like
00:29:10
Speaker
this is the hard work of finding the solution and fixing it, or finding the solution to the problem and fixing it.
Transition to Connective Parenting
00:29:17
Speaker
And both parents and kids tend to default to the easy solution, which is like, yeah, yeah, I won't do it again, I'm sorry. And then it's just a cycle, but nobody's really fixing it. Yeah, I mean, if you think about it as an adult, if someone comes and scolds us or lets us know that something's not okay, even if it's in a kind way,
00:29:36
Speaker
the reaction we have, we might like, like, just like you said, be like, Oh, okay, thanks. You know, but it's not really like, it's not tapping into our inner greatness or who we are inside. If that makes sense. It's that person's not helping us recognize you can do better than this. Like, I know this isn't you, you know, there's always a little bit of shame involved, right?
00:29:55
Speaker
And I don't think when you shame, when anybody, even if it's, and I don't think moms intentionally are trying to shame or guilt their children at all, but it's just like, it's the kind of the inevitable side effect of telling somebody they shouldn't be doing something instead of saying like, Hey, I know you're upset. I can tell you're upset, you know, I'll help you. And, and instead of having this
00:30:16
Speaker
like communicating, like all emotions are okay, but not all behaviors. You know what I mean? But like, you're totally fine. You can feel this way. And I'm going to be here with you and help be your coach or your guide. You know what I mean? And help you through this because they obviously aren't able to do on their own.
00:30:34
Speaker
So that's a really different way of going into like a tantrum or misbehavior versus like, there's something wrong with you. This is the problem. You need to fix it, you know? Yeah. Okay. So, so then let's start at the beginning. If a parent comes to you, what is the problem that you see most often? And what's the, what's the first thing you have them do? Like what, what is, what is a very bare bones, you know, step one when you start working with somebody?
00:31:00
Speaker
So moms usually come because they're feeling totally frustrated and stuck and they don't, they're like, either yelling at their kids or they're, a lot of them are yelling, but if they're not yelling, they're, they're just constantly irritated, you know, or annoyed or frustrated. And they're not, they're not getting their kids to listen. So that's, if they're not either, they're saying they're not, their kids aren't listening.
00:31:21
Speaker
or they're not acting the way they want to. They're yelling. So that's normally why moms come. They just want to try something different. And I love it because they're so aware and they want it. They want something different. They just don't know. The first thing I teach them is just the difference between corrective, parenting, and connective.
00:31:38
Speaker
For a lot of moms, just to get the awareness of there's another way. There's a way that I can lean into the situation, connect with them, and get the result I want, which I think as moms, even though we want our kids to listen and we want them to obey, I think what we really want is we want them to be happy. We want them to fulfill their mission and their purpose and live this amazing, beautiful life.
00:32:04
Speaker
which is so much bigger than just getting them to like put on their shoes or make their bed or come uncalled right and so the beautiful thing is with connective parenting you get both because you you have this relationship where you're really helping them see who they are because you're seeing it you know because when we're going and this is a problem needs to be fixed we're not really seeing their potential their greatness their capacity we're really
00:32:27
Speaker
trying kind of being a little bit and not because we're meaning to but we're really able just not able but our brains like focused on what we tell them to focus on so we're just seeing a lot of evidence to prove that like yeah they are whatever whatever whatever we're feeling about them so when we're coming in with connection we're just leaning into hey I there's nothing wrong with them I'm just here to help them you know fulfill their potential it's kind of
00:32:53
Speaker
kind of like how Michelangelo I don't know if you've ever read about how he carved the David and how he's like the David was already in the stone and I was just chipping away to reveal him you know as moms if we can go in and be in that same mindset you know Mike and remember in the moment even when they're throwing a tantrum even when they're at their worst it's like this isn't who they are this is just information that they're off that we're not connected or maybe they're had a hard day at
00:33:17
Speaker
something happened and this is just information for me to kind of decipher and help figure it out because they're confused about it but I can help you know step in then I think we can see them as oh they're just the David inside of there and I'm just chipping away the stone yeah I want to help and teach and train and inspire them but I
00:33:36
Speaker
I don't lose sight of who they really are through the whole thing and we can stay connected. And I think that's huge for moms. Okay, yeah. That is really cool. So tell us, what does that look like? You're your kid, you're having a hard time seeing the David. What does it look like? How do you connect with your kid?
00:33:58
Speaker
There's a lot of things, it depends on what the mom's doing, but I always, I teach them the steer model, which I just explained, because that helps them see that like, it helps them just process kind of what is going on with them when they're showing up for their kids and not seeing the greatness in them, right? So we definitely work on that and processing the situations using the steer model, how they are now and how they want to be.
00:34:21
Speaker
And then just one of the first tools I teach them is I call it listen and learn. So anytime you're feeling frustrated and you want to go in and correct and you want to ask 20 times, I say you can only ask twice.
00:34:37
Speaker
The first time you ask and they don't respond, maybe they didn't hear you or they were distracted or whatever, give them the benefit of the doubt. The second time if you go close enough and you make sure they didn't just not hear you and they don't respond, there's something else going on. So I tell them, at that point, don't ask anymore. Just stop and now listen and learn. So lean in. Instead of leaning out is one thing I say as well. I say lean in.
00:35:02
Speaker
Now I want you to listen to what's going on. I want you to ask them a question from a kind, like if, and they have to be in a place where they're not judgy and mad, right? Or it's going to come across, but if they can be like in a neutral place and be like, what's like, tell me what's going on. Why aren't you listening? What's going on? You know, how are you? How are you doing today? Like, I'm just curious what's going on, you know, and they can listen. Sometimes they just.
00:35:20
Speaker
sit there and the kid doesn't say anything, but I want them to communicate with empathy and understanding, so I love encouraging them. If the child does or doesn't say something back either way, they can be like, I can tell you're really upset, or I can tell you're just really not listening. I can tell you're really distracted or you're really focused on stuff. So leaning in and then listening.
00:35:41
Speaker
and trying to understand. I had a mom one time I told her this too and she was like so mad that her children weren't listening. So the next day she went and did this, listen and learn and she came back and she said, oh my gosh. So my daughter asked her twice and I took your advice and I didn't ask her again. So I asked my daughter, why aren't you listening to me? And her daughter's like, because mom, you never listened to me. You know, and she said,
00:36:02
Speaker
I had never, first of all, it never had occurred to me to ask her why she wasn't listening to me. It was from a good, calm place, not a mad place. And then she said, and she was totally right. I don't ever listen to her. I'm not sensitive to what's going on with her. And so it's even to something that simple, just like listening and learning instead of going and asking and asking and asking and correcting. So that's one of the
00:36:28
Speaker
first kind of go to tools I normally teach moms just to kind of start pausing that corrective mindset we have just ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, and kind of switch it up.
Emphasizing Children's Positive Traits
00:36:38
Speaker
That is so, so powerful. And you know, I have to say that I have just
00:36:43
Speaker
recently started exploring a little bit the feelings that are going on in my house, like you say, and to start listening and paying better attention rather than just ordering around. I'm realizing a couple of things. One, I'm realizing that I tend to act like a toddler myself when things aren't going my way.
00:37:03
Speaker
being the adult, which I want to be, you know, I learned this from Jodi Moore too. She's always talking about like, who's the adult in the situation kind of thing. And I'm like, I start melting down and screaming and yelling, embossing people around just like a four year old, you know? And then I realized that I'm, I'm trying to make my kids, I'm trying to control my kids almost as if they're objects. Like I would never treat, you know, my adult best friend the way I treat my kids sometimes, because my friend would not be my friend if I was yelling at her and telling her what to do all the time.
00:37:31
Speaker
And if, and if I did ask her for a favor and she didn't do it, I would, I would probe, you know, like you're saying, I would listen and I would be like, Oh, is something the matter? Is something going wrong? Are you not feeling good? Or, you know, instead of I asked you to do me this favor and you're not, you know what I'm saying? Like, just look at this parenting.
00:37:47
Speaker
paradigms so differently than how I always thought it would be. Just me here barking out orders and kids obeying and being seen and not heard. It's just such a huge paradigm shift. That leads me to one of our last questions here. I want to ask you a little bit about what I heard. I listened to Andy speak in person a couple months ago and this is what started me looking into my own parenting
00:38:11
Speaker
paradigm shift as I'm saying, but two words that I love that you said that you talked about us that night that you used with your children and it was to energize greatness. And you kind of mentioned that earlier. Can you explain what that means and how that affects your parenting decisions? Yeah. So this has been a huge realization to just realize what I'm putting my energy into. And I've heard for years and years where your energy goes, it grows and all of those.
00:38:40
Speaker
In the parenting paradigm, I just got really clear on this about how, well, a little backstory is I was sitting in this marriage class and the instructor came in and I can't, I think the topic was anger management or something with our spouse or something. And he came in and he's like, I just have to tell everybody. I had this really great success story over the weekend. My wife, you know, she came to me really upset and she said, we have to talk.
00:39:05
Speaker
And he's like, I know what that means. Right. That means she's going to tell me all the things I'm doing wrong. And we're going to have this really intense conversation. And usually I get really angry and upset, but I didn't. I didn't get angry and upset and I just listened to it all. And for some reason, as he was telling us this story, I thought it is so fascinating as a society how accustomed and how comfortable we are to doing that, to lecturing, to like making sure someone knows like all the things that are all the problems that we're having with them and all the things we want them to change.
00:39:35
Speaker
But like if we were to sit down and actually I raised my hand and said this in the class because it was so present for me And I said what would happen if your wife said Honey, I want to sit down and talk to you and for 30 minutes You know because that's how long he said it like what the other conversation about all the things you enter and I would call that energizing all the problems, right?
00:39:59
Speaker
as she sat down and she had this whole list and she was like super energetic and like really intense and her phone was put away and she she said I just want to tell you all of the things that are so great about you and all the things that shows me about you and
00:40:12
Speaker
I just loved the thought that that is something we can do. And so I had read about this concept in a book and it started to apply in my home. And I just kind of kept upping it and playing around with what it could look like and how we could do it. And it was interesting because it's not something that
00:40:33
Speaker
we're really comfortable with, like being, like we'll say good job or like thanks so much or whatever, but usually that's attached to event, not necessarily to the person. And it's usually just really light and not very, if you think about how energetic we get, if we've ever had to like have one of those talks with our spouse or we lecture our kids about how they shouldn't be doing this and this, how intense we are, you know, how we were just like a hundred percent present there and how,
00:41:00
Speaker
contrast like we contrast that with how we deliver praise and I don't really love the word praise but how we deliver you know hey thank you for doing this or good job or whatever the energy if we were like rating it on a scale would be it's usually so much lower so I started playing around with what would happen if we really got like 100% energized and really focused and really present around the things that were working
00:41:25
Speaker
And we attached it to their characteristic and a characteristic about them. So, hey, thank you. And this isn't five, you know, long to 30 minute conversations like he was saying with his wife like that. But we could have those. But, you know, just in the moment with lots of kids, just to be able to say instead of saying, hey, thanks for clearing your plate. It's really simple to just make it something a more
00:41:50
Speaker
Like what I would call energized greatness. I actually call it noticing. Noticing their greatness, igniting the greatness. But I just use the word noticing. So instead of just praising or thinking, I use noticing. And I say, hey, just now I saw you clear your plate. That totally shows me how responsible you are, or how respectful you are, or whatever about them. So you're so respectful of our rules. You're a really respectful person, or you're really responsible.
00:42:12
Speaker
and instead of attaching it to the event now it's attached to them and it collects evidence like look how great you are like I see it and you might not see it but like let me show it to you so that we can keep helping you see it and helping you it helps both ways I feel like it makes me just continue to see how amazing they are and I have more evidence to support that so in the time where they're
00:42:34
Speaker
not acting maybe how I wish they would I'm like but that's not who they are because I have all of this evidence so it helps me and it helps them I think as well so I just I love this switch but I will say when I first started doing it my kids didn't know what the heck I was they thought I was like trying to
00:42:51
Speaker
They're like, mom, what do you want? You know, because they just thought there was something I was trying to get, right? Like, because I usually I was, you know, are you buttering me up? So I get me to do this or whatever. And it just felt awkward a little bit. So I and I thought that was so interesting how my kids responded, you know, how we are in a society. I'm like, isn't that so interesting that we are so comfortable giving a five minute lecture about what didn't work, but to give a five minute
00:43:19
Speaker
lecture about what did work, you know, I don't know if you'd call it lecture still but you know like if we just flipped it like the other side of the coin, people are just they're not we're not used to it. And so I kind of just want to change that I want to make that a normal thing where we just get into the habit of
00:43:34
Speaker
of that and it and we're attaching it to the kids person who they are because if we just attach it to like oh that one time i did clear my plate i was good then but i'm not now you know what i mean it's like no you are responsible you know you are respectful
00:43:49
Speaker
I just had to share that after I heard you say that, I like went home and really focused on it for a week or so. And I have to say that was one of the hardest weeks of parenting ever because I'm like, how do I find the greatness in my six year old who all he does is wax people all day long.
00:44:05
Speaker
And I realized that what I was doing was I was completely breaking apart the entire structure of my parenting and my household. That's why it was so painful. It was really, really painful those first couple of days. It was like, I almost gave myself a headache because it was hyper-focusing every interaction like, where can I find good?
00:44:24
Speaker
Because I was so bad. I was so good at finding bad. But then I realized that after a week or so of doing this, and I tried to have some grace with myself, that it really did get easier. And it got easier because there was more good to find. Then my kids were all of a sudden wanting to behave right away. And I thought, well, what do you know?
00:44:44
Speaker
I was surprised that when I don't focus on everything they're doing wrong, they want to give me more evidence of doing good. So that's my personal experience. It really does work. And I think your brain just sees more, like we really do filter out stuff, you know? So we practice, not only do we just, it probably feeds itself. I totally believe that. But we also just are able to, to see more of it, see more of the greatness that may have already been happening that we couldn't even notice before, you know?
00:45:12
Speaker
Yeah, I totally think kids live up to your expectations for them. And when you expect good, then that's going to happen. I think maybe that's another way of saying the same thing you're saying.
00:45:24
Speaker
So I think everybody in our audience is probably nodding their head and wanting more of this in their house than in their life. So can you tell us, tell our audience if they want to learn more or get started with you, where should they go? How can you find it? Yeah, there's a couple of ways. I have a free Facebook group that
00:45:42
Speaker
I do challenges in or I go in and do lives
Resources and Conclusion
00:45:45
Speaker
in so that's just a totally free resource it's the it's if they Google or go to Facebook and just type in this mama life, I think it says free community, they can join that. My website has information on it too and then I have a
00:46:00
Speaker
For people who want more, there's a membership program where they get to continue to deep dive. And we coach every week or more even sometimes. And we have a Facebook group for that too. For people who are just really ready to go all in and really transition from a corrective default to a connective default method and really learn new tools, we kind of have to replace it. So those are kind of the basic ways that people can find out more and dive in however they want to.
00:46:30
Speaker
Oh, this mama life and it's M-O-M-M-A. I know there's different ways to spell mama since that's not technically a real word, but yeah, this mama life is what I am in there on Instagram too. So yeah, they can go and I try to post, I try to post regularly in there and just.
00:46:45
Speaker
share, share everything I can about how to show up the way we want to and connect with our kids and just enjoy this whole process, not just get through it, right? We can really enjoy this motherhood process. And I think a lot of us get where we feel like, okay, another day, hopefully the kids, you know, it's so contingent on the kids are going to be in a good mood. Everybody's going to cooperate and it doesn't have to be, you know, we can just always, um,
00:47:08
Speaker
be able to not, you know, we're ups and downs for human beings. So, you know, that's, that's it. But, um, but make, it makes a fun adventure, you know, where we can even enjoy the ups and downs and all of it and just be here for the ride.
00:47:22
Speaker
Yeah, I was really enjoying finding empowerment in your Instagram story that you did on frustration. Oh, good. So glad. Yeah. We will include links to all of Andy's resources in the show notes. And thank you. We just want to thank you so much for being here, Andy. You have sparked so much curiosity. I know for us and for listeners, so we can't wait to learn more and to put this into practice in our life. I'm excited. Thank you. Thanks for having me, guys.
00:47:48
Speaker
Thanks so much for tuning in. If you've enjoyed this episode, we'd be so grateful if you'd leave us a written review on iTunes. If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at OutnumberThePodcast at gmail.com and find us on Instagram at OutnumberThePodcast. See you next week.