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139. Body, Mind & Trauma-with Marjorie Serrano
92 Plays2 years ago
Marjorie Serrano is the author of Rainbow Meditations: A Journey of Self-Compassion, The Year of the Hurricane: Poems to Heal your Soul, Rescuing The Child’s Soul: Embracing our Most Extraordinary Life Stage and Dismantling the Myth of “The Terrible Twos” and “El Domador de Monstruos.” She is currently an undergraduate student at Bushnell University, where she is majoring in psychology with a minor in theology. She also holds an international degree from INPAHU University in Colombia.
For over a decade, Marjorie has worked firsthand with students, children, families, and people struggling with difficult life transitions. She adores and admires her precious toddler daughter, Maya, whom she believes is her most effective mentor and the catalyst for her growth and development in her adult years. Marjorie dedicates her life to raising her daughter, deeply loves her husband, and treasures her family and dogs. She is an avid advocate for mental health and children's rights, and her long-term goal is to complete a master's degree in counseling so she can continue with her mission of helping people heal the emotional wounds caused by childhood trauma. She writes nonstop whenever her daughter sleeps and whenever she has a minute during her busy days as a mom. She continues to share her poems, meditations, and reflections through her blog, "La Casita de Mateo," https://lacasitademateo.blogspot.com/?m=1 inspired by the tragic loss of her first son, Mateo.
Marjorie loves art, classical music, her German shepherds, life, nature, running, and above all, God!
You can connect with Marjorie via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/marjoriewriter/
Marjorie’s book collection can be found at most eBook stores and via Amazon Books at: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0BHY6Y168/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=09108b00-1fa9-45b7-b577-4f687990950c
Connect with Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest or for coaching: https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast: Grief and Transitions
00:00:01
Speaker
The most beautiful thing that happened to me was really when I saw Mattel and when I held him and how much, I mean, how beautiful he is, he is, because I talked to him in the present tense. And I thought, if my body could create this beautiful baby, like if this came from me, like I have to be amazing. And that was like the epiphany for me.
00:00:31
Speaker
to see this precious human that's perfect, innocent, good, and that it came from me, that I created it, yeah, with a little bit of help of science and with a little bit of my controlling attitude and my desire to do things my way. But he came. He was real. And that's when the healing journey began.
00:00:56
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:19
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Introduction of Marjorie Serrano: Author and Healer
00:01:41
Speaker
We are talking to Marjorie Serrano. She is a fellow Colombian living in the US. She is the author of Rainbow Meditations, A Journey of Self-Compassion, The Year of the Hurricane, Poems to Heal Your Soul, and Rescuing the Child's Soul, which is embracing our most extraordinary life stage and dismantling the myth of the terrible twos
00:02:06
Speaker
And then there's another one in Spanish that she's also written called El Domador de Monstros, which is the the the monster train. How do you say Domador? How do you say that, Marjorie? Tamer. Tamer? Tamer, I think. Tamer or train or something like that. And the wizard. Yeah, something like that.
00:02:27
Speaker
So something to that extent. Well, welcome Marjorie.
Marjorie's Grief Journey: Lessons from Loss
00:02:30
Speaker
And she is a mom, and we will be talking a lot about her first child who passed away and her grief journey and all her learnings. So for those of you listening today, if by chance that is a triggering topic to listen to, you can kind of just listen at your own will, because sometimes people have sensitivities to that.
00:02:57
Speaker
Welcome, Marjorie. Thank you so much, Kendra. Thanks for having me on the show. I am so glad you're here and glad that our friend Juliana connected us a while back when I started the podcast. I know. She connected us particularly because you have your Spotify, you have the affirmations and meditation. Let's talk about that.
00:03:22
Speaker
Okay, perfect. Well, thank you so much. In fact, what I was going to say is that I am one of a person who likes the mystery of thinking that things happen for a reason and when Juliana connected us and then she told me to check out your show, I saw it was grief and it was so, so fascinating because I had been
00:03:43
Speaker
just hooked and fascinated by grief shows and podcasts. And I subscribe myself to every single resource that could connect me to that community and to help me. Yeah, just feeling less alone, like you say, on your introduction.
Creating Meditation: Coping with Anxiety and Pandemic
00:03:59
Speaker
But going to your question, yes, the Rainbow Meditation Pocket started for two reasons. One was that we were struggling with the pandemic. I was having a lot of anxiety because I was a new mom.
00:04:13
Speaker
And particularly after going through what I went through with losing my first child, obviously, just being about to give birth to Maya and her being an infant, I say that I didn't have the depression, like postpartum depression, but I definitely had postpartum anxiety.
00:04:34
Speaker
And I do a lot of meditations and guided visualizations, guided imagery. And I listened to a lot. I really liked the Hay House Meditation podcast and many different ones. But as I listened to those, I wasn't getting what I needed from the pandemic. I really wanted to visualize a world without the freaking virus. And I wasn't finding it. I just needed to hear
00:05:03
Speaker
something that would tell me that things were going to be okay and that we were going to get through this. Because I mean, like everyone else in the world, it was just impossible to bear. So I created the first meditation just for me to have some affirmations and something to repeat to myself while I did my yoga and stretching. And I liked it and I wrote it down.
00:05:27
Speaker
And then I shared with my husband and he said, this is good. And so I created a YouTube, just not with image, but just with sound. And I share it and people said like, well, you have such a soothing voice. I liked it. It's awesome. Why don't you share and I share with some people. And then when I checked back, it had something like, I mean, obviously for a podcaster like you, it's like,
00:05:50
Speaker
50 plays was like huge for me. Any play is huge. Any play is huge because it still means that somebody else heard it and created change in at least one person's life and day at least.
00:06:06
Speaker
Thank you. Yeah, it impacted somebody. So what I did is just close your eyes and imagine that this is over and that not only the fear from getting the virus, but just how much we lost the ability to give hands and
00:06:22
Speaker
You are Colombian like me, so you know how important it is for us, the affection and the physical contact. And for me, that was one of the most difficult parts. In the meditation, it says like you're hugging people, you're loving. So that's how I came with the first meditation. And then there was also a lot of division in the world with the elections and all these things.
00:06:48
Speaker
Um, so I thought, well, I'm going to write something about, you know, how it would look like if we were able to understand the other person. And I wrote the second meditation. Um, and then just like that, as soon as things came to my head and I wanted to talk to myself and listen to the things that I wish somebody told me. And which is pretty much what God, when I feel that I'm having conversations with God and I'm deep into prayer, that's what he says to me. And I write it down.
00:07:17
Speaker
And then I share. So one of the things that I learned with my grieving journey that really gave me peace is because I grew up Catholic in an environment where everything was cause, consequence and punishment of your scenes. And then maybe something bad happened to you is because you deserve it. So having something like what happened to me, losing my first child was like, my gosh, I must have been horrible human being for something like this tragic to happen to me.
Finding Comfort in Faith: A Non-Punitive View of God
00:07:47
Speaker
And then as I went on my journey, I read fabulous books. And there was this book that, and in fact, my therapist recommended it. It was, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. And this is, I have to go back to the notes and get the names, Arthur, but he talked about, and this is probably gonna be very controversial when I quote him, I want to be very gentle, because some people may take it the wrong way, but I just wanna say that it helped me
00:08:16
Speaker
because he talked about God's limitations and that he preferred to believe in a God that was there with him because he also lost his son, but he's not a punitive God. He's not doing this to us. Things happen and he's there in the process with us holding our hand the entire time, but sometimes things just happen for our process and our growth and who knows? We just never know.
00:08:46
Speaker
But yeah, it's just knowing God's limitations. So going back to the meditations, I wrote my third meditation, talking to God and then God talking back to me and saying, you know, like the same question that you have, God, why is this happening to me? Why is the world so unfair? Why are those bad people? So it's the conversations of what your creator will say. I use the word your creator, so that way it could be open to people with various types of beliefs.
00:09:15
Speaker
So yeah, and then one thing led to the other, of course, the fourth meditation. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the fourth one is about connecting with the baby that you lost. Because there was also all these questions that I had for Mateo, like, why did you have to leave so soon? Why, why, why, why? So that meditation, it was my way to responding all those questions to myself.
00:09:39
Speaker
So it is a meditation when you travel, you fly with these magical creatures that fly next to you and then you go through butterflies and beautiful things that take you to a crystalline, a fountain of crystalline waters where you reunite with your baby and then you can soothe your baby, breastfeed your baby.
00:10:00
Speaker
and then to spend time with your baby. So beautiful. You created what you were looking for in that process. So that is something that we can all take away as well, that in life, in general, whatever things are going around, if you do not see what you need, then create it. Exactly.
00:10:23
Speaker
And in that process of creation, what that then allowed you, because you mentioned you were having post-baby anxiety and your daughter's name is Maya, you're now daughter. And we'll talk more about Mateo as well in the process because he is that catalyst for a lot of this growth and exploration for you as well.
00:10:43
Speaker
And the anxiety then that you were having, as you started then recording these meditations, did you start seeing then a change in yourself? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yes. I started also journaling, and this is thanks to my therapist at the time. She told me when I wrote things down, they belong to another place than my thoughts, because I was having a lot of... It was the thoughts that
00:11:13
Speaker
Most of the times it's just fears and lies that everything's going to go wrong. Everything is so the process of journaling. That's the other thing that I didn't know my self-worth before. Um, and I didn't have the confidence to write because growing up in Columbia, I always had, uh, like I had a different learning style. I never succeeded in school. Um, people laugh at my grammar and spelling and.
00:11:40
Speaker
I just like have this label in my head that I was just not talented. So writing for me has been a challenge, because it's just the confidence. But the therapist told me just do it for yourself and do it for other people. And then when I started writing from my heart, then it turned out that people liked it, they felt
00:12:01
Speaker
identified and it helps people, which is when I went through this, I wanted, I was just hungry for stories of other women who went through the same thing and that they survived. I just needed to know if it was possible to survive the death of your child, the loss of your child. Cause when you go through this, it's like, whoa, is there like, I mean, what do I do now? Um, so journaling and then sharing, connecting with other people.
00:12:29
Speaker
It's just an amazing process and it's very healing. And then just knowing that other people out there can connect with you just builds a wonderful community. Thank you so much for sharing all those different tools that you use, the writing, the journaling, creating the meditations. So let's go into the year that you were expecting Mateo and like how long were you and let's talk about you and your husband, where you guys were living.
00:12:58
Speaker
and that process of having been pregnant with Mateo.
Struggles with Infertility: Emotional and Financial Challenges
00:13:03
Speaker
Okay, so we call Mateo our million dollar baby because we spend, I mean, just unimaginable what we went through to be able to get pregnant with Mateo.
00:13:17
Speaker
I struggled with infertility for almost eight years and I was told over and over again, I could not have babies. They couldn't determine what exactly it was that I had, but I just couldn't get pregnant. And I think, I know now, I think I have the answers and it's all based on body, mind and trauma.
00:13:39
Speaker
But yeah, it took forever. We went through all kinds of things to try to get pregnant, all kinds of fertility treatments, and nothing worked. And it was exhausting. We also tried to adopt three different agencies. They had issues with just our ages. And then finally, the one adoption agency that went through with our home study, we weren't just
00:14:09
Speaker
elected. Our family wasn't just selected. So it was a very frustrating process. It was eight years of just the monthly reminder on getting my period that I just couldn't do what everyone else in the world could do. So it was I just have a lot of empathy for women who have to go through infertility because it's one of the most
00:14:32
Speaker
It's just so stressful. Everything that goes through your mind, your spirit, your soul, your capacity as a woman that labels the stigma is something that, yeah, I don't wish it upon anybody. So we had one embryo left, and after all these years of trying and not being successful, and I said, well, the new year started, it was 2018,
00:15:02
Speaker
And I thought, well, I mean, it's the last embryo. So let's just do it. I mean, I have nothing to lose. And my husband said, okay. And I went to get the IVF process, the, the, the embryo transfer by myself. Cause my husband was traveling. He had to travel a lot. Um, and, and, and I went for a run. I was.
00:15:26
Speaker
Just I wanted to be on the first mental state that I could. And then it worked. So I was told that you have to wait nine days. And then they told me that the pregnancy test was positive. And I had been pregnant before successfully with the IVF, but then that didn't make any progress. And I ended up miscarrying. It was an IVF too, obviously, because I couldn't get pregnant naturally.
00:15:56
Speaker
So, but with this one, I was, it was a positive pregnancy test, but I was still wary because, you know, anything could happen. So, uh, but that led to the few weeks that you have to wait until you get your ultrasound where they check heartbeat. And then there was a heartbeat. Uh, again, it seems like the excitement and the expectations and the hope were building because everything, I mean, I kept passing the check points per se.
00:16:23
Speaker
And then the 12 weeks ultrasound, everything looked perfect. So everything was going great up until the week where you get to, I mean, where they tell you that everything is wrong and that
00:16:40
Speaker
There's just that it's just not what you expected. He had a condition called skeleton dysplasia that makes that made him incompatible with life. So he was born very prematurely way before he was he was able to reach viability, which is 24. It was way before then.
00:17:02
Speaker
So he was born and obviously with skeleton dysplasia, babies, the fetus doesn't develop bones per se. So because the skull doesn't get developed and it doesn't allow for brain development, the rib cage doesn't expand so it doesn't develop for lungs or heart.
00:17:26
Speaker
And apparently everything was wrong with him, but when he was born and I got to hold him, I just saw a beautiful boy. It was just like this tiny, beautiful, precious baby.
00:17:38
Speaker
In fact, the face of Mateo is the exact same face as Maya. And when she was born, all I could see was Mateo was the big chubby cheeks. And then he had a dimple on his chin. And he had the nose, just the beautiful, just perfect little nose and the fingers, the hands. It was just a beautiful boy.
00:18:06
Speaker
He seemed very dark when I held him and then the doctor explained that it was lack of oxygen and then the bruises from going through the birth canal. Yeah, big disappointment, but it was also a celebration because it is my son. It was the birth of my son. That's the thing that I learned from this process is that people really are afraid of women who go through this.
00:18:33
Speaker
And nobody gets to celebrate the birth of your son. Everybody is just terrified of saying something because it's going to hurt so much or I'm going to say the wrong thing. But nobody says congratulations. And it is the birth of my son to be celebrated to. I know it's a short life and it's a tragedy, but it's also a miracle because he is my son and he'll be my son forever.
00:18:59
Speaker
And I love him and I love his existence. And I love the fact that he exists and he is with us and everything we do. In fact, I have here, if you can see, you can see through the camera, there's the picture of these little feet. Yeah, hanging over your Oh, yes, I see it. I what you just said about the fact that it's a celebration, even though it's that short moment because he was alive for was it nine minutes? Yes, he lived nine minutes.
00:19:28
Speaker
Yeah, celebrating the fact and congratulating you as well for having had a child. But you're right. It's like, how do you do that in the midst of also the grief? It's like you had this beautiful, precious, happy and griefful moment all in the same.
00:19:46
Speaker
instant, you know, so it's just so hard. But yeah, I wonder what would be the right words to even say that would bring like the right feeling to someone that's gone through what you went through. It's like congratulations for having become a mom, you know, but at the same time I am
00:20:12
Speaker
deeply sorry, sad, I don't know, like for everything you're going through, it's like this really dichotomy. Did you feel anyone expressed in a way that you felt seen when you were going through that? Yeah, absolutely. And that's one of the things that I keep just thinking
00:20:33
Speaker
how blessed I am and just the love that Mateo inspires that I just had an outpour of love and support. I was surrounded by people who were just, gosh, the kind people, they were so gentle. I was working, I lived in Oregon, back then I was living in Oregon and the community was amazing.
00:21:01
Speaker
Our local priest and my good friend, Father Gary, he came to the hospital and he actually baptized Matteo and he shared the story on how he had twin brothers who lived in five minutes and he related to us. And I was also working, I worked in human services when I was in Oregon and back then I was working at the employment department for the state of Oregon.
00:21:30
Speaker
And everybody, it was just the compassion and everything that they had to say. I was very, very blessed. And I like to say when we're going through that process of grave, when something like that happens, we're so sensitive. But in my case, people that just showed up, I mean, they didn't need to say the right thing. And if they say something that was, you know, like something that was imprudent or that,
00:21:58
Speaker
It didn't matter because they were there for me and they wanted to say something. So I always took the intention and everybody's intentions were just so kind and so loving. I remember a coworker, she didn't know what to say, but she sent me memes and jokes. So in the middle of the day, I would just get something that would just shake me out of the pain. And it was good stuff. So that was, I really appreciated that. Another one wrote me a letter
00:22:28
Speaker
And he said, I'm wishful for you, like I'm wishful that things are going to work out. I don't know how, but I'm wishful. Like I remember that. And then somebody else just said every day, I'm thinking of you and praying for you and your family to so many things.
00:22:44
Speaker
It was just like, there wasn't the exact right thing to say, but I do. There's something that really, really touched my heart. I had a Facebook account, but I closed that because it was affecting my mental health. Facebook can be pretty hostile to people that has, yeah. I mean, it's not for everybody that I'll just say that, but I posted something about Mattel and somebody said, somebody said, he matters.
00:23:13
Speaker
Like his life matters. He is to celebrate because it was his birthday. I always do something around his birthday. And she said, happy birthday Mateo. Your life matters. You matter. And it wasn't a person who wasn't even a close friend. It used to be a former coworker. And I was like, wow, that, wow. Like that, that felt so soothing and so loving. And it just made to this point that I remember that comment because it was,
00:23:41
Speaker
Obviously, many people commented, and that's the comment that I remember.
00:23:45
Speaker
So yeah, there's really not the right thing to say. Some people say the wrong thing out of love. I've done it. I've said silly things to people who are grieving. Oh yes, same here. Right. It's like, even if we know, like in that moment when you're saying afterwards, you're like, wait, maybe that was not the most prudent, as you said, the thing to say or the right, but it's that feeling you still just want them to know you are there.
00:24:14
Speaker
Their words may not be the ones that are soothing you. It's their presence and knowing that they're showing up for you. That is important. One thing, if I may, that I am so grateful to be this time and I mean, this era that we live, that there's so much compassion and awareness. A beautiful thing that happened to me is that older women came to me and told me, we have to talk about our babies. That happened to me decades ago and I never
00:24:44
Speaker
I could never talk about it. There was stigma. So many women went through this back in the 70s, back in the 80s. And I mean, it was just taboo and rejection. And now we have the right to grieve and talk about our babies and talk about female things and the uterus and giving birth and all the things that were taboo in the past. So I'm very grateful that I created a space
00:25:09
Speaker
for older women to come and greet their babies. One even said to me like, this happened to her twice. And she, one of the babies didn't even have a name because it was back then it was like that. And right now there's just so much that I have to honor my baby to talk about him and so much to give back to.
00:25:33
Speaker
to the world. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing Mateo's birth story with us, your birth story and his birth story as well. And of course, his spiritual birth as well was on the same day as his physical birth. So it's a duality.
00:25:55
Speaker
Let's go from there in between there and then conceiving Maya and then having Maya into your life because here you are. That was your last embryo. Yeah.
00:26:10
Speaker
Technically, that was your last chance, quote unquote, to have a baby at that moment with IVF that you were going through. So when were you in the right space to even think of conceiving again or did it even not come up and just happen?
00:26:33
Speaker
And it's like you, when you were talking to me that you were saying, well, sometimes we plan something and then it doesn't happen. And that's exactly how life is. So this is like, I, when I, when I got pregnant with my daughter, my sister and my sister's not a religious person.
00:26:48
Speaker
She told me if this is a pregnant, I mean, if you're really pregnant, this is a biblical miracle, she's saying. And she's not a religious person, so this is how huge and meaningful. So actually after Mateo, I was desperate to have a child, it was too painful, but the yearning to be a mom was such that after, so Mateo was born in July, 2018,
00:27:19
Speaker
And then January 2019, I went back to the fertility specialist and we did a donated embryo. So we tried that. So I tried IVF one more time. That's how much I was. But when that didn't happen, and I was so excited because it was like adopting a baby that I could actually have growing in my, in my, in my, inside me.
00:27:44
Speaker
So right now I have a different way to see things, but that's a whole nother story. But that didn't work. And then I thought, OK, OK, God, I'm sorry. I've been trying to do things my way. And I've been trying to play God. This is how much I want to be a mom. And I'm sorry. But I'm just going to let it go. This is it. I'm not going to do it. And that's when I got the puppies.
00:28:10
Speaker
And I got, and it was people were telling me like, you're out of your mind. And I said, well, when you're grieving, you have the right to do whatever you want. And I love puppies and I love dogs. So the breeder, one of my best friends who actually passed away last year,
00:28:26
Speaker
She was breeding the last time because she was getting there, getting tired up. And she said, this is the last litter that I'll do. So if you want two of them, I'll do it for Mateo. She gave me the two, so I ended up with four dogs. But that also motivated me to get really fit. I wanted to get back in shape. And then, so I got the puppies, like I got all my life just set up and I made plants and I changed career.
00:28:54
Speaker
I had some pain. I mean, I had a fibroid. It was in the back of my uterus and it was causing pain. Obviously the pain of getting my period every month and then the pain of also I was always expecting that a miracle would happen. So I wanted to take control and then just have some closure. So I went back to my OB gene.
00:29:18
Speaker
And she told me, you know, the only way to get rid of this fibroid is to just go through a hysterectomy. And I'm just saying this because I know your story. You've been through a lot of IVF. You've been through a lot with Mateo. I know you need closure. So we can do this. You no longer have your period. You forget about it. And then you won't have the pain. And then we can do it. You're a candidate for a hysterectomy.
00:29:46
Speaker
And then I cried obviously we both cried because she's the same. And she said, Take your time. And then they did an ultrasound and obviously that triggered a lot of pain because just having an ultrasound with a baby heart beat and all that everything that was just that meant OB gene ultrasound was just so traumatic. In fact, my OB gene started giving me appointments where
00:30:09
Speaker
I couldn't see the pregnant women. So when I was waiting on the waiting room, I didn't see the bumps around me because that was very, very triggering for me. So they were very kind. They also helped me to go through the back when I checked out. So I didn't see the bellies, the pregnant bellies because it was too much for me. So we said, okay, so we scheduled the hysterectomy for the 27th of August.
00:30:32
Speaker
Uh, this was 2019. So it was a year after Mattel, like about a year and a half. Um, actually a year and a month. Yeah. Um, so the hysterectomy was scheduled. I was all for it. My mom was really sad and people were like, you sure you want to try? And I said, no, I'm done.
00:30:51
Speaker
This is it. I'm going to take control. I'm going to raise my puppies and go back, run marathons, and I'm going to take control. And then we went to Ferlotta Dale and my period was supposed to, I was supposed to get my period like on the 10th of August. And this was the 21st of August, we were in Ferlotta Dale. And I said, you know, I had to start taking a medication on the 25th.
00:31:17
Speaker
Um, and I said this very close to me having started that medication and I don't get my period. I don't know. I was never late on my period. I don't know. For some reason, I don't know why I'm not getting my period. Like I'm not spotting nothing. And then my husband said, well, do you want to take a pregnancy test? And I'm like, no, I mean, like I have always, I was taking pregnancy tests every month for eight years. Everything was always negative. It was so frustrating.
00:31:42
Speaker
But he said, let's just do it so that way you can just, you know, start the medication and not be worried about it. And I said, OK, so we went and got and I said, I'm going to get the dollar. I don't want to buy it. I don't want to spend a penny on this anymore. So we got the dollar pregnancy test and that came positive.
00:32:05
Speaker
And I called my sister and I said, I didn't even, like, I didn't, I mean, I couldn't even believe it. So I said, is there something wrong with this test? Does this mean? And I sent her a picture and that's what she said. This will be a biblical miracle. So we waited until the pharmacy opened because I bought the stick and then I did the test like at five in the morning. That's when it came up positive. So we waited until like the pharmacy opened at nine.
00:32:32
Speaker
We went back to the pharmacy and got the expensive pregnancy test and it was positive again. And so I called the doctor and I said, I think I'm pregnant. I don't know how, like I've never, I mean, out of the blue and they were all screaming and crying. And so they said, let's do something because you have scheduled your, your surgery. The doctor obviously has space for you to have an ultrasound in an appointment. And I said, okay. So on the 27th, instead of having a hysterectomy,
00:33:02
Speaker
I went and have an ultrasound. And then the technician who was one of the persons who were involved in Mateo's development, she just put that ultrasound. And then she said, yeah, there's a heartbeat. There's a baby there. And then she started crying. And then the person who was with her started crying. And then everybody was like, wow. And then I got to see the doctor. She was jumping and screaming and hugging us. And it was like, this is crazy. Like how?
00:33:31
Speaker
And one of the things that I forgot to tell you before then, when we were talking about the hysterectomy, that my OB gene said, the only thing, I mean, it'll take a miracle for you to get pregnant. And I'm not going to say that I don't believe in miracles. I do, but it's just very unlikely that you will conceive naturally.
00:33:51
Speaker
And this is causing you pain, you need closure. So let's do this. So it's so funny that she was so humble that now she didn't have to eat up any worse. She said, you know, I'm so glad I said I believe in miracles because they do. It's so beautiful. I have tears in my eyes, of course.
00:34:08
Speaker
You let go and let God, basically. That's what you did at one point in your whole journey and you just let it in God's hand. The moment you stopped trying to control your destiny, it just kind of started to happen. Yeah, I just think she was meant to be.
00:34:30
Speaker
Now for you to be pregnant with her, how did you work on your mindset during your pregnancy with Maya? Because after having gone through what you did with Mateo and of course all that, how did you feed your soul and your mind in order to have a positive mindset through your pregnancy?
00:34:55
Speaker
Um, so I really appreciate you asking that question because I remember my therapist telling me you're going to go back. You're when, when you have your baby and everything goes right, you're going to regret not, excuse me, not enjoying this pregnancy.
00:35:10
Speaker
because I couldn't enjoy the pregnancy. I mean, I was terrified. I was always just expecting that something was going to go wrong. When are they going to tell me that everything is going to go wrong? When I'm going to start spotting? So what I did is living one day at a time, my doctor and her staff were just so fabulous. And I had ultrasounds every week.
00:35:35
Speaker
Well, when I was on my week, on my 16 week, I said, no, you know, I'm going too much. Let's just do every two weeks. And then two weeks went by and I'm like, I'm scratching the walls. You guys to give me an ultrasound and they squeeze me in. So just having that reassurance every week help. And obviously all the, I kept doing the meditations. I would wake up in the morning and meditate and then do the visualizations and the guided imagery.
00:36:02
Speaker
I found a fabulous podcast about pregnancy and just visualizing your baby and that everything would go right.
00:36:10
Speaker
And I just didn't because it put a lot of pressure for me to have that pressure of thinking positive was very damaging. So when people told me you have to be positive, you have to have a positive attitude, you have to relax, it just put a lot of pressure on me. So I stopped focusing on, OK, I have to be positive, I have to have a positive attitude, but I'm going to take it a day at a time.
00:36:38
Speaker
And I'm going to honor this baby for whatever long this baby wants to stay inside me. Whatever this story is about us, I'm going to honor it and validate it. And if I have a scary, if I.
00:36:52
Speaker
If I have a miscarriage, then I'm going to appreciate what we have right now. So if it's 12 weeks, then I'm going to cherish those 12 weeks and I'm going to just love on this baby, honor this baby and appreciate this baby. So just, just cherishing every moment, every day, and then just, just trying to do a day at a time, an hour at a time.
A Miracle Birth: Welcoming Daughter Maya
00:37:16
Speaker
Oh, an hour at a time, a day at a time, and then it turns into a week and a month. And here now, Maya is almost three years old at this moment. And the joys, but yeah, it is just such a beautiful testimony of really just letting go. Your journey, you tried everything that was in your control to do things the way you thought they had to be.
00:37:45
Speaker
and how they had to be and then the moment you let go and then like you mentioned before the awareness too that you have now of body mind and trauma and how that affected of course that and then once you worked on all those areas then now you realize why it was you weren't able to probably have an easier time getting pregnant at the beginning, correct?
Reconciling Spiritual Beliefs after Loss
00:38:10
Speaker
Yes, yes, absolutely. Yes, that is very true.
00:38:15
Speaker
You mentioned before when Mateo died and your concept of reconciliation in your mind about what you had grown up believing in terms of when things happen, it's as if they're happening to you and as if it's a punishment. How did you come to that reconciliation with yourself and your spirituality and religion in that journey of grief to find
00:38:44
Speaker
peace when things happen. How do you perceive them now? Thank you so much for that question. That's actually a beautiful question because it brings, I mean, it stares up all your system of beliefs. So many things I hated. I used to hate myself. I used to hate my body. I was sexually abused when I was little.
00:39:07
Speaker
And in addition to that, I was rejected by my biological father. So growing up, I suffer a lot from hypochondria. I always felt that something was wrong in my body. I always felt that there was this.
00:39:23
Speaker
a sinister illness that was just there and I was going to diagnose and die. And I hated my reproductive system because of all the trauma that I didn't process. I mean, I didn't even verbalize. I didn't accept it to myself that I was sexually abused when I was little until I was in my 30s, early 30s.
00:39:43
Speaker
So I always felt dirty. It's like you have this feeling that you're always dirty, that always something is wrong. And that is a reason why I can't get pregnant because I am defective. My uterus is defective. Everything is wrong with me. But it was a beautiful process because obviously as I went through all this IVF,
00:40:00
Speaker
I kept being told over and over again, beautiful uterus, perfect fallopian tubes. And I was like, well, I could see it. It's not the black rotten thing that I envisioned. It's like a beautiful, healthy, perfect organ that serves a purpose. And then that's created by God. But I still struggle because it's, I mean, obviously suffering, childhood trauma, it's something that you carry with yourself for
00:40:27
Speaker
I mean, some people just carried it throughout their lives. The most beautiful thing that happened to me was really when I saw my tail and when I held him and how much, I mean, how beautiful he is. He is. Cause I, I talked to him in the present tense and I thought if my body could create this beautiful baby, like if this came from me, like I have to be amazing.
00:40:57
Speaker
And that was like the epiphany for me to see this precious human that's perfect, innocent, good, and that it came from me, that I created it, yeah, with a little bit of help of science and with a little bit of my controlling attitude and my desire to do things my way. But he came, he was real. And that's when the healing journey began. That's exactly when I knew that
00:41:26
Speaker
that I'm worth it, that I'm worth it, that I am this wonderful person that belongs to this earth. And that's when I learned, and I got connected to the finally understood, because growing up Catholic, I was always told like, Jesus died for us and Jesus died for us. And that made me angry.
00:41:52
Speaker
because I never understood why would this wonderful human being would die for us? It never made any sense to me. Why put him through all this suffering? Why? I don't understand. It makes no sense. But the reason why, it was just like, boom. OK, I know why he died for us. He died. I mean, the story of Jesus told me that suffering is inevitable.
00:42:23
Speaker
in life and that if the most beautiful human being that changed the world suffers in this way and his mother, Mary, like I could just have the image of Mary holding Jesus after he died in the cross. And when I was holding Mateo, like I just kept referring to the image to give me peace and comfort. Like if she went through this and he changed the world, then I'm going to be okay.
00:42:50
Speaker
And then that's what I learned. It really helped me to solidify my relationship with God, Jesus' story, Mary's journey from a compassionate perspective instead of a punitive, sinful. And it helped me to love my spirituality even more.
00:43:14
Speaker
Um, cause I questioned it for many years and then I went through a period of, Oh, I don't want to be religious anymore and things like that. So Mateo really helped me solidify. Okay. Who's God? Who's Jesus? Yeah. So it was that that helped me get through.
00:43:31
Speaker
Thank you, Marjorie. And Marjorie, when we were communicating about this podcast, there were several things you wanted to share. We exchanged several emails and she's like, I want to make sure to say all this. And that's why when you mentioned before that, before we started recording that I said, OK, let's let go of all the notes and let's focus on the conversation and see what comes from it.
00:43:56
Speaker
But is there anything I have not asked you, and we will finish with you reading one of the poems from one of your books, but is there anything I have not asked that you want to make sure that you share or leave with the audience?
00:44:13
Speaker
Yes, I like to be very gentle with the audience and with people that are grieving because I feel that I was very privileged in my grieving process. I feel that I had tremendous love and support. I had the financial resources to grieve. I was able to change careers. My employer gave me all the time to grieve.
00:44:39
Speaker
I had the money to buy the books or to get them or to download them. I had the financial resources to go through therapy every week. I had a priest, my beloved, wonderful priest that was there for me. I also have a guru, my wonderful friend Guru Hari, who also helped me a lot with working on my body. And so I had all these resources.
00:45:06
Speaker
And I want to honor and validate that all these resources should be available for everybody. And it really hurts me that some people have to grieve on their own. So that's one thing. The other thing is that some people, and I'd say this out of all respect, some people don't really appreciate, gosh, I want to be very gentle with what I say, but I just want to emphasize on the importance of
00:45:35
Speaker
the people that help, as far as mental health, spiritual guides, the chaplains, all these people really make a difference in your process, in your grieving journey. The chapling at the hospital, she made arrangements with the funeral home. They came up with this beautiful box and pictures of Mateo that I didn't dare to take, which now I have, and I'm able to see my baby's face. I couldn't do it. So they did it for me.
00:46:04
Speaker
They explained me what was going to happen. They also honored and validated my husband's journey because men have their own journey and people tend to focus on the women. So just appreciate all the people that do that part, that in my case, I feel it was essential. And I just want to just thank all these people that help in the process. And then for people who are grieving,
00:46:32
Speaker
It's hard to go through therapy and to confront your demons, but sometimes if you're just there to do it, it really helps. Because the people that we love, in my case Mateo, they become the catalyst for finding beauty and meaning. And then it can become, I mean, it's a beautiful journey. It's a very sad journey.
00:46:57
Speaker
that it evolves into something magical, something beautiful. And it's all the love that we feel for them that creates meaning in our lives.
00:47:07
Speaker
Thank you. Thank you so much, Marjorie. And Marjorie, before we wrap up with you reading part of your poem, one of your poems, can you please share how people can find you? I'll make sure to add it in the show notes. But how can people connect with you or get your books or your podcast and so forth, your podcasts or your Spotify account meditations?
00:47:31
Speaker
Thank you. So the meditations are called rainbow meditations, and you can find them available on anywhere you could do a podcast. And then my books, you can find them through Amazon or Apple Books or all the ebook stores. You can just type my name on the search box, Marjorie Serrano, and then you can see the collection of books. And then on Instagram, you can find me as Marjorie Rider.
Closing Reflections: Poem on Loss and Renewal
00:48:00
Speaker
And now let's finish with this excerpt from the Year of the Hurricane, Poems to Heal Your Soul. And I would love to hear it. And again, once again, thank you, Marjorie. I'll say bye now so that we wrap up with this beautiful poem. Thank you so much, Kendra, and thank you for the work you do. It really makes a difference in people's lives. It's helped me as well.
00:48:25
Speaker
Thank you. All right, here we go. So it's called Spring Has Come. And there is a time when a child is born, the rain ends and ladybirds crawl and an infant begins to walk and then to talk and to talk and talk and talk a little bit more. And the darker days get lighter each day and the clouds move for the warm sunshine rays.
00:48:54
Speaker
and left behind are the days of sorrow, and you can finally let go of the fears of tomorrow. And you look back in the window of time at the person you have left behind, and you wonder in awe of her courage and grace, imaginable obstacles she had to face, the day she sat at the funeral home waiting to receive the ashes of her newborn, and her stomach turned
00:49:23
Speaker
And she was alone because she needed to do this alone. Here's your little one, the mortician said. And with tears in her eyes, a loving hug she gave. And the one pound precious child whose matter in ashes turned. In a heart shaped silver urn was carefully stored. Until the day she found a place worthy of her baby's remains, a massive oak tree.
00:49:52
Speaker
the perfect place for a new circle of life to begin. But this time she was not alone, surrounded by love and nature and filled with hope. And the baby's little sister and miracle child, hand in hand, with the man who's suffering in silence all the while. And her baby did not rest in peace because from heaven he observes her at ease
00:50:21
Speaker
In heaven, babies do not rest. In heaven, precious children play. A baby's soul, precious and taint and tainted untouched. His perpetual innocence gives life a purpose and a meaning. And there is a time when flowers bloom, promising staring eyes and full moons. And nothing else matters but moments like these, when souls connect and hearts meet.
00:50:49
Speaker
Life is a journey of grieving joy. Let us hold on to these precious moments spring has come.
00:51:02
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:51:31
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.