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A Parenting Coach with 20 Years Experience Raising Autistic Children w/ Moon Sade
157 Plays1 year ago
As a Parenting Health & Well-being Coach, Moon Sade works with parents of ASD1 autistics, helping them to better understand their child’s autism, their specific needs, what it means for the family, giving them useful knowledge and insight into adjustments, acceptance and moving forward in a way that allows their child to thrive - providing tailored tools and strategies, through her individualised coaching programmes
An Expert with over 20 years Experience, a certified Life Coach, Certified NLP Practitioner, Certified Time Line Therapy Practitioner and a qualified former high school teacher, Moon parents her own ASD1 autistic children (one of whom is an adult), so she knows first hand the challenges of day to day life for the family of an autistic individual.
She understands that every autistic child is different and unique, so every strategy and programme must be unique too.
She also knows that doing it all by yourself is often lonely, sometimes scary and always challenging.
Moon started her business so parents of Autistics don’t have to navigate this journey of gaining clarity and a better understanding of their child’s needs all by themselves, because understanding and meeting your child’s specific needs, confidently bridging the gap for them, knowing you’re doing the best you can, is not just important, it’s essential!
Connect with Moon:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/moon.sade.754
LinkedIn: http://linkedin.com/in/moon-sade-14a0a3b6
Linktree: https://linktr.ee/MoonSade
https://www.goalsetters.net/moon-sade-empowering-autism...
Web: https://thefamilygrapevine.co.uk/mid-surrey/
Web: https://thefamilygrapevine.co.uk/west-surrey/
Christian's links:
Health Consulting (book your free 15-min session with me): https://christianyordanov.com/health-consulting/
Children's health consulting (autism, ADHD, gut dysfunction etc.): https://christianyordanov.com/childrens-health-consulting/
Pregnancy preparation and recovery health consulting: https://christianyordanov.com/pregnancy-preparation-and-recovery/
Get my book Autism Wellbeing Plan: How to Get Your Child Healthy: https://amzn.to/43ah6yD
Use this link to get a discount on my Detox Workshop: https://members.christianyordanov.com/detox-workshop?coupon=CM25
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Background
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome back to the Children's Health Podcast. My name is Christian Jordonov. I'm a certified functional diagnostic nutrition practitioner, and I'm author of the book called Autism Wellbeing Plan, How to Get Your Child Healthy.
00:00:14
Speaker
This is a comprehensive resource for parents to help them understand the health challenges that often afflict autistic children and how to test for them and address them with diet, supplementation, toxin reduction, sleep strategies, and much, much more.
00:00:31
Speaker
Link is down below. I also offer health consulting for moms, parents, or kids. So if you or your child have gut dysfunction, skin stuff, allergies, whatever other problems, fatigue, get in touch with me on my website, book a free consultation. Let's see how I can help you.
00:00:51
Speaker
You don't have to keep suffering. There are solutions out there and I can help get you there faster. So that's enough about me. Today we have a special guest. Her name is Moon Sade. A little bit about Moon. So as a parenting health and well-being coach, Moon Sade works with parents of ASD1 Autistics
00:01:12
Speaker
helping them to better understand their child's autism, their specific needs, and what it means for the family, giving them useful knowledge and insight into adjustments, acceptance, and moving forward in a way that allows their child to thrive, providing tailored tools and strategies through her individualized coaching programs. An expert with over 20 years experience,
00:01:33
Speaker
a certified life coach, certified NLP practitioner, certified timeline therapy practitioner, and the qualified former high school teacher. Moon parents her own ASD-1 autistic children, one of whom is an adult, so she knows firsthand the challenges of day-to-day life for the family of an autistic child. Moon, thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you for having me on your show, Christian.
00:01:58
Speaker
a great pleasure. Let's start. So you have two kids, they're both on the spectrum. I think you said one is in his mid 20s. Can you tell us a little about yourself, about your journey and the work that you do? Sure.
Challenges and Family Impact
00:02:14
Speaker
As you said, I'm a former high school teacher, which is where my journey actually started. My oldest was born in the early stages of my career. So
00:02:25
Speaker
challenges of being both a newly qualified teacher and a new mum at the same time. But the good thing about that was as I went through my teaching journey I was able to see developmental differences in my child.
00:02:42
Speaker
And by the time he was three, we noticed that some things about him were different. He didn't miss milestones, which is what a lot of people think autistic children, all autistic children do, they miss milestones. Mine didn't, he just developed differently. So there were things about him that were noticeably different to other children. And by the time we were three, we already knew that
00:03:12
Speaker
We already knew that he had what we would call not challenges but differences and he needed a little bit of extra support with certain things. When we spoke to teachers in his school and said he needed extra support because he is the one which most people know is high functioning or low support,
00:03:41
Speaker
they just said, there's nothing wrong with him. He's just unfocused. He's very bright, but he needs a bit more discipline. And years went by like that. While I learnt more from colleagues, SEM colleagues who worked with children on the spectrum, who worked with special needs children in my own class. And as the years went by, we put in
00:04:08
Speaker
all of the things that he needed to help him in school, to help him at home, to help him cope, because the teachers just kept on missing all the signs. They kept on ignoring what we said, which is what so many parents face when they say, my child needs this, teachers feel it doesn't match these, it doesn't tick these boxes. So it can't be. And the parents concerns are completely and totally ignored.
00:04:38
Speaker
Yeah. Um, so that went on for about 10, 11 years. Wow. Continuously. And he just kept on needing more things and we developed more strategies. We learned more about what was going on with him. We didn't have a name for it. We just learned more about what he needed. Um, and all the while I was learning more as a teacher, as a parent, as,
00:05:07
Speaker
person. And by the time he was 13, that was the first time we actually had a teacher say, your concerns are valid, and we will do something about it. And by then, he was already in secondary school. And we were pretty good at having everything in place for him. So when he went through the process of getting an assessment and getting a diagnosis and having an actual
00:05:38
Speaker
label, I suppose most people would call it we don't call it a label. It
Understanding Unique Needs
00:05:44
Speaker
wasn't a surprise. And not much changed for us at home because he already had everything in place. But for him in school, things changed because then he was able to get the support he needed from his school. And by then I already had my second child. So there's about a 13 year age difference between them. And
00:06:07
Speaker
The things that we learned and how we learned to support him came in really handy when my second child was born because by the time he was two, we could see the signs that he was on the spectrum as well. Getting his diagnosis was a lot easier because he didn't have to go through the bullying. He didn't have to go through the difficulties that his brother went through. He didn't have to go through being ignored.
00:06:33
Speaker
The GP was really good because we already had a child on the spectrum and he was assessed and diagnosed by the time he was five. So he's now 12 and it's been 25 years with my oldest. So that's 25 years of living and breathing, parenting autistic children. They are very different, even though they have similarities and what they need
00:07:03
Speaker
how they how they need things the challenges the support it's very different and people often think that all autistics are the same but they're not they are super different right yeah they're just uniquely individually different yeah in this same situation they react differently they need different things what um what one likes the other doesn't what
00:07:32
Speaker
comforts one, doesn't comfort the other. So yeah, putting them all into one box and saying these are autistic is one of the biggest problems we have with seeing them as individuals that need different things, that need understanding and strategies and tools that are unique and individual to each one of them. What is the relationship like towards each other?
00:08:02
Speaker
They have good days and they have bad days. So when they have good days, I think like all siblings, they have good days and they have similar interests. So they connect on that. When they're having bad days, when one is having a bad day, they're different in that one is very empathetic.
00:08:26
Speaker
which people again don't think autistics are, but one is very empathetic. So when his brother is having a bad day, he's very understanding, he gives his brother space, and he allows his brother to have that that time. When he's having a bad day, his brother is not so empathetic. So he's quite impatient. And he wants he kind of wants his brother to kind of get over it really quickly.
00:08:54
Speaker
And that's more challenging because then we have to give time to both of them, one to help him through his bad day and one to help the other understand his brother's bad day. So the
Lack of Support and Bullying
00:09:06
Speaker
challenge is different every day and it just depends on what's happening on any given day.
00:09:15
Speaker
And what kind of supports do you wish, knowing what you know now, do you wish you had for your eldest son at the time that he was younger? I wish we'd had the support of a community. I wish we'd had the support of his school. I wish we'd had the understanding of the people that he went to school with because he was bullied.
00:09:45
Speaker
horribly by his peers in school, he was different. You know, his teachers were unsympathetic because they didn't understand his differences. So he was always called the disruptive child, the unfocused child, the one that was causing the problem.
00:10:06
Speaker
And all he was actually ever doing was just trying to find his way through a system that wasn't giving him what he needed. He needed a little bit of extra time and a little bit of extra explanation to get through things. And that was never there for him. And the understanding, because what happens sometimes is that when they're diagnosed later in life,
00:10:36
Speaker
They've spent so much of time trying to fit in and be like everybody else, that when the diagnosis comes, sometimes it's, I don't want this diagnosis. Because I want to be like everybody else. I've worked so hard to be like everybody else. And now you're saying that I'm not. I don't really want to be this.
00:11:00
Speaker
And that's a challenge that, you know, could be avoided. And all that goes through that. That's something that I don't think any child should have to face. Oh, absolutely. And the
Individuality vs. Conformity in Autism
00:11:13
Speaker
worst part is that, you know, what that saying goes like, was it Krishnamurti? I forget who said it, but it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
00:11:30
Speaker
So the older I get, the less I care about how much I fit in into the world. So, you know, we're kind of we're almost conditioning our kids that they will only be happy if they're like the other kids, if they fit into. But what we should be doing is nurturing the individual in them and fostering the confidence that that will allow them to be who they are.
00:11:59
Speaker
in spite of whatever comes up. And I know obviously with the case of bullying, it's a much harder thing. I was personally bullied in school and it's a really, really horrible thing to go through. So I definitely don't wish it on anybody. And it made me stronger. But if you're already a child that is having
00:12:22
Speaker
you know, challenges fitting in, and you might have some other difficulties, it's definitely not going to be, it's not going to be a hormetic stress, it's going to be a maladaptive sort of stress. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. We do still have the challenge sometimes with him. It's a process. His brother is a lot more accepting of his diagnosis.
00:12:49
Speaker
probably because he was five when he got it and he doesn't know a different way of life. And also because of his older brother's experience, we chose to homeschool him. So he hasn't had to experience the bullying and the stigma or the judgment that goes with it. So for him, it's just who he is. This is just a part of him.
00:13:18
Speaker
So maybe he got less traumatized by the events of the lockdowns and all that craziness. They both did. They actually both found lockdown a good thing. I think a lot of autistic kids found that a good thing. Yes. It meant that they were able to stay where they wanted to stay and didn't have to make excuses for why.
00:13:47
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. How do you...
00:13:53
Speaker
I've always been curious because I, you know, I've worked with parents with kids on the spectrum and we have someone in our family, we have multiple people in our family that are autistic. But how do you talk to your child about their diagnosis or about the fact that they're autistic? For example, with the younger one, did you just one day tell him you have this label, which is all it is at the end of the day? How did you go about it?
00:14:25
Speaker
We've never seen it as a label, so it's not something that we've said, this is what you're called. We've always said to him that it is just a natural part of you, just like you have brown eyes or you're tall or you have a lovely smile. This is just how your brain works.
00:14:51
Speaker
where I see something, when I look at something and I see this, you look at something and you see something different and it's like a piece of art. Everybody looks at a piece of art and they see something different.
00:15:07
Speaker
And they're not weird for seeing something different in that piece of art because that's what art is. And for you, the whole world is like that piece of art. You look at the world and you see things that other people don't see. That doesn't make you wrong. It doesn't make you strange or weird. It just gives you a completely different perspective.
00:15:32
Speaker
And not everybody will see your perspective because not everybody sees the same thing when they see the world. So it doesn't, it's not a bad thing. You just have to understand that not everybody will see the way you see it.
00:15:48
Speaker
Right, right. I like that. That's actually very well sort of put, it's actually quite beautiful because it makes you, again, it goes back to what I was saying earlier. It actually fosters a sense of individualism in the person and it allows them sort of that, it gives them that space to rejoice in their quirks, in their individuality. And I think that's where a lot of
00:16:17
Speaker
you know, especially with a homeschool environment where you're not forced to do the cookie cutter approach to education, you can allow the child to explore whatever, whatever they want, be it, you know, music art or engineering or programming and stuff like that. So I actually think that's a really good approach. And I assume you kind of teach that approach to your clients, parents? Yes,
Parental Instincts and Non-Verbal Cues
00:16:42
Speaker
I do very much so.
00:16:46
Speaker
The thing that I like is they come, a lot of them come with the statement that they've been told very often that your child's on the spectrum, but everybody's on the spectrum and they want to know how does that work? You know, how is my child on this spectrum? And what I've, the best way I've been able to explain it to them is if you think of autism as a buffet,
00:17:15
Speaker
So you don't look at it as a bad thing, you look at it as a buffet. So it's this lovely thing that's spread out there. And every person who's on the spectrum, they have a plate and on that plate, they have a variety of things. Some of them will have a mix of the same thing in different quantities. And some of them will have different things on it.
00:17:40
Speaker
And that's what makes up their autistic brain. But they're the only ones who can take from that buffet. Nobody else can have it. So that is the spectrum. Not everybody can eat from that table, only they can. Every one of them will have a different mix on their plate. So they'll be similar, but they won't be the same. Sure. Yeah.
00:18:08
Speaker
And if a family or parents out there, because actually this podcast, it's called the Children's Health Podcast now, but I initially started it. It was all about autism and the research.
00:18:24
Speaker
I shared in my book. So I am assuming that the majority of parents tuning in still are probably parents of autistic kids. So I suppose maybe newer listeners may be suspecting their child on the spectrum or they're recently diagnosed. So what advice would you give
00:18:50
Speaker
to parents that suspect their kid is on their spectrum or perhaps they have recently received a diagnosis. What advice would you give them? If you suspect that your child is on the spectrum, my advice would be to go with your instincts because you know your child better than anybody else. A lot of people will say, are you sure that your child could just be this and could just be that. They could be.
00:19:19
Speaker
but you're the only one that knows that child from the day they were born. So you're the best place to know whether your instinct is right.
00:19:30
Speaker
And if you think your child is on the spectrum, then follow that through and find out for yourself. Do whatever research you need to. And in the meantime, put in place the support to help that child. If it turns out that your diagnosis or your suspicion is not correct, you've still given your child support through life. And that's something that they will always appreciate. And if your child has just been given a diagnosis of autism,
00:20:01
Speaker
It's not the end of the world. Your child hasn't suddenly been replaced by some other child. It's still the same child that you've always had. And you have been doing everything for your child up to this point. So just keep doing that and see the diagnosis as a book that's been opened for you into your child's mind so that you can have a better understanding of how to do
00:20:30
Speaker
what you need to do for your child. So you can see better, you can understand better. And you know, that's what I do, is I help parents to actually get a better understanding of how to help their child, what to look for
00:20:47
Speaker
how to be more observant, how to be more present. Because autistic children don't always have the ability to tell you what they're thinking or what they're feeling. They don't recognize sometimes their own emotions. And they rely on their parents to interpret that for them. So it's about them more than you. And that's something that parents need to
00:21:14
Speaker
be very aware of you need to step outside yourself a little bit more now and be more observant and be more present for your child in their world so that you can see what they are telling you without telling you.
00:21:34
Speaker
Yeah, I remember back in 2018 or 2019, I went to this workshop. There was a very, quite famous actually, Dr. Kurt Waller. He's an integrative doctor. He's been working with autistic kids for something like 20 or more years.
00:21:53
Speaker
And he was going over the organic acids test and how that's used with autistic kids. But he was saying that because he had so many clients or patients, he was saying that kids, a lot of these kids that had gut dysfunction would
00:22:10
Speaker
assume these positions, for example, they would lean their tummy on the table or in a chair or on the floor. There'd be some type of lying down, prone position, prone, supine, prone, in order to put pressure on the tummy and somehow that alleviates the discomfort. And I remember we were at the doctor's office with my wife and my daughter and I saw a kid come out of the, they were before us,
00:22:39
Speaker
He came out of the doctor's office and he immediately lied down like that horizontally on the chair. And I remember immediately I said to my wife, you see that kid? He's got some type of gut thing going on. And so this is one of those kind of nonverbal things that I think if more clinicians at least were able to, let's say the parents come in,
00:23:00
Speaker
and the clinician could recognize this or the parents were taught to recognize just this example, for example, instead of saying, my child is doing this thing, it kind of looks weird, but it's because they're autistic, which I think a lot of doctors, they would kind of knee jerk, say, whatever the child is doing, be it self-injurious behavior, aggression, anxiety, not sleeping, it's because of the autism. But usually it's not because of the autism, it's because they have either an unmet need
00:23:28
Speaker
or some type of discomfort that they're not able to verbalize. Yeah, very much so. And often they don't understand what's going on. They lack that ability to actually process and articulate and understand everything that is going on in their own minds, in their bodies. Some of them have
00:23:55
Speaker
they lack the sensitivity to understand, because they have interoceptive, hypersensitivity, or proprioceptive hypersensitivity. So they're not fully aware of
Managing Overstimulation
00:24:10
Speaker
what's going on inside their body, or outside their body, they're not able to place themselves. And they rely then on people they love, the people who take care of them, to be aware of that for them,
00:24:26
Speaker
because that's what you do with your parents. You expect your parents to take care of you. And, you know, parents need to do that. You need to do that for your child.
00:24:38
Speaker
So I know obviously we covered the fact that these kids are incredibly unique, one from another. But in your experience, because you obviously work with families, what are some, let me see how to phrase the question succinctly. What are some indicators of a need
00:25:04
Speaker
that needs to be met that is a little bit more universal amongst autistic kids. For example, just to make sure you understand my question, we know that lying down on the tummy can indicate gut discomfort. Apparently, eye-poking behavior in some kids has been correlated with increased oxalates, be that from a candida overgrowth or from dietary oxalates.
00:25:29
Speaker
So these can get jammed into the eyes and organs and muscles and stuff and cause pain. So a lot of kids that have eye poking behavior, when tested with the organic acids test, have been shown to have increased oxalates. So is there any other sort of things you've seen as part of your practice? Sometimes when they have an emotional need, so when they're feeling uncertain, when they're unhappy, when they need
00:25:59
Speaker
to be held or hugged or when they're sad and they feel these emotions, they're not able to say, I feel this way, can you help me? So they then will act out in a way that generally makes parents lose their patience because the child will either become destructive, they will become irritating, you know,
00:26:24
Speaker
they could just kind of bang on things. So a lot of autistic children like to bang on things. And very often parents just lose their patience because it's repetitive autistic behavior. That's annoying. But often that has an underlying cause to it. And that
Adapting Parenting Styles
00:26:47
Speaker
cause is I need your attention. I want your attention. Help me right now.
00:26:54
Speaker
I want I need something from you. And it is about then just taking the time to figure out what it is that you're going through. I have a lady client that I worked with a little while ago, who is a perfect example of someone who took the time
00:27:15
Speaker
And she noticed that her daughter would stop eating on certain days. And she thought that it had to do with the fact that she'd had braces put in. And she came to me and said, I'm quite concerned about this because she doesn't do this on every day, but she does on certain days. And we were, you know, we went through the coaching and we looked at all the things that were coming in.
00:27:39
Speaker
And it turned out that on certain days when her daughter went out more often than normal and had to interact with people more than usual, her reaction was the anxiety caused her to say that her braces were hurting so she couldn't eat. But it was actually the overstimulation was causing her to feel the pain in her mouth and then she wouldn't eat.
00:28:09
Speaker
And once we got that sorted out and we limited the amount of time that she went out on those days, there was no more pain.
00:28:20
Speaker
It's crazy how the mind will create. I strongly believe that even a lot of people that have an accident sometimes, it's in order to avoid having to do something. Or in order to get, I forget in what book I was reading, but this woman, or was it the husband, fell profoundly ill.
00:28:45
Speaker
And when they dove deeper into the psychology of it, it was a way to control the other spouse somehow. I strongly believe that the mind can create these psychosomatic things, especially if you're having anxiety, social anxiety and stuff like that. We will find all kinds of ways
00:29:13
Speaker
to get out of it. And sometimes it could be like getting into trouble, just throwing a tantrum or breaking something. You get into trouble, now you're grounded. Oh, now you can't go to wherever you were supposed to go. Yeah. Yeah. But something that a lot of people, a lot of parents don't actually notice or realize about autistic children is when we talk about overstimulation, they always see overstimulation as something bad. So when they have a sensory overload, they always assume that it
00:29:43
Speaker
a bad thing so too much noise or I don't like this fabric or I don't like those colors and it's too much. Sensory overload can also come from too much of a good thing. That's something that we don't like to deprive our children of. We don't like to say, no, you can't have this as much as you enjoy it, you can't have this.
00:30:07
Speaker
But that's something that you actually do have to do as the parent of an autistic, you have to understand that sensory overload can also come from too much of a good thing. So too much enjoyment or too much of a particular sound or too much of a particular place. And your child can get overstimulated and that can have a negative effect on them. So it is knowing that
00:30:36
Speaker
that there can be a good side and there can be a bad side and they can both lead to the same negative impact on your child. So how do you help parents to adapt their parenting style based on their children's needs? What we as people do is we tend to base our parenting styles on the way that we were brought up.
00:31:07
Speaker
either positively or negatively. So when we're brought up, we kind of love the way our parents brought us up and we want to do it the same way, or we have unpleasant experiences and we want to not repeat the mistakes of our parents, which is perfect. And when we have our own children, we take all of our parenting skills and our parenting style and we put that in place with our children.
00:31:35
Speaker
Which is great. Then when your child has a diagnosis, many parents go, I don't know what to do. And they think they have to change the whole way they parent. So I've had clients say, do I discipline my child? Should they have boundaries? Can I say this? And yes. Can they drink alcohol?
00:32:03
Speaker
Should I let them smoke in the house or should I ask them to go outside? Can I say no to my child? Should I have rules for them? Must they do chores? They are serious questions that parents actually do have. The reality is what you've been doing as a parent, you have to keep doing because your child still has to be
00:32:32
Speaker
a person that can go out into into the world and be able to follow what society expects of them to follow. And you are an important part in teaching them what is right and what is wrong, and what they can do and what they can't do. And you have to only adapt the way that you do it. So you can't just say to your autistic child, don't do this. If they have
00:33:02
Speaker
an aversion to being told, no, and the autistic brain just says, you said no, so I'm going to do it anyway. You have to adapt it. So you'll have to go about it in a different way. And that's a skill that parents have to learn. So it isn't about changing your parenting skills. It's about changing the way you actually put those skills in place. It
Communication and Understanding Autism
00:33:29
Speaker
might be how you talk to your child.
00:33:31
Speaker
It might be the way you give them instruction is different. You know, most parents kind of go, clean your room, do this, do that, do that, do that. And for an autistic child, it's just too many instructions all at once. So you might have to break that down a little bit and give them a couple of instructions and remind them that they've got to do this and check on them. And you know, so just change the way that you do things.
00:34:04
Speaker
I forget where I read that it's good to have a timetable for the week. So if you want to switch context, if you want to move from one activity to another, and the child is like, no, I want to do whatever I'm doing here. That's what I want to do when I play the piano or whatever.
00:34:24
Speaker
You just point to the timetable. It's like, no, remember four o'clock on a Monday. We have to go here. Let's say we have to go to tennis or whatever else. And I can see already my daughter is not even two. I can see if I don't approach
00:34:42
Speaker
her in the right way if she's doing something she does not want to stop and if I don't approach the change in activity the right way it used to be I just pick her up okay now we now I'm changing you now I'm now I'm putting you in the car now it's like yeah
00:35:00
Speaker
So I can imagine this is probably useful for any parent to learn how to basically respect the fact that their child
00:35:13
Speaker
is a person with their mind of their own has their own agenda, their own interest and their own things that they want to get done for the day. And a lot of what it seems is like a lot of other people what they want is not what you want at the current time. So you have to definitely approach it in the right way. Is there any other is there any other tips you can give to I guess all parents in this regard?
00:35:41
Speaker
I like to tell my clients to talk to their children. A big thing about helping your autistic child is to talk to them and just get to know them as people. Listen very, very carefully to what they say because very often what they need will come out in what they say to you.
00:36:04
Speaker
But it's important that you build that relationship of trust with them, that they know that you can be trusted to help them to give them what they need. And as parents, we like to always think that we know better.
00:36:20
Speaker
sometimes we do. And that's something that is very important for parents of autistic especially to know is that sometimes you do know what is better for your autistic child and you need to be able to trust that they don't always know what is best for themselves because sometimes they can't see the danger that might lie in a situation. But you have to be able to talk to them. You have to be able to know
00:36:50
Speaker
what's going on with them where their head is you know and in that way you learn what your child what their challenges are you learn what their strengths are you learn what their abilities are you learn what to nurture and you learn what to help them shift away from so that they're not going down the path you don't want them to go down
00:37:19
Speaker
And how do you talk about, I know, I mean, it's not like we're talking about
00:37:26
Speaker
like autism is not anything to be ashamed of that's not the way I'm framing the question but how do you talk because they do have certain needs that you're better off communicating the fact that they're autistic to let's say new friends or a new teacher or new family that you're friends with so how do you talk about your child and with you know with other parents or let's say you're gonna have a play date
00:37:51
Speaker
Well, obviously, your kids are much older now. But let's say, imagine you, if your kids were, you know, five, six or whatever, and you're gonna go on a play date with some family you just met, how do you approach the whole question? So in order to sort of ensure that your child will get along with their child better, that they kind of hit it off without friction, if you know what I mean.
00:38:17
Speaker
I think a lot of it depends on the situation and context in which you're going to be. So if you're going to be spending a day with people and your children are going to be playing together, then it would be a good thing to say to them that, you know,
00:38:32
Speaker
if your child gets overstimulated then you might say to them that my child needs to have a little bit of alone time just to have an app or just to recoup or you don't necessarily have to say my child is autistic if that's what you don't want but you can say specific things like my child likes to say
00:38:56
Speaker
to have things in a certain way, or he or she doesn't like sudden changes. So if we're going to be doing something and there's a change happening in the day, you need to let me know in advance so that I can let my child know.
00:39:12
Speaker
One thing that parents get really, really anxious about is the fear of judgment and fear of other people's opinions. I can't say this. If I tell this, what will they think of me? It's a question of, are you more worried about what someone will think of you or whether this is better for your child? And if it's better for you to say to someone, my child needs to have 10 minutes of alone time.
00:39:42
Speaker
in a half
Cultural Stigmas and Acceptance
00:39:43
Speaker
an hour play date, then say my child needs 10 minutes of alone time, rather than not say anything, go home, and then have to deal with the hour that it takes your child to process that extra 10 minutes that he didn't have or she didn't have on their own, because you're the one that's going to have to deal with this, your child is the one that's going to have to deal with it.
00:40:11
Speaker
and the person that you were afraid of their opinion, they've gone off to have the rest of their evening without any problems. Yeah, I think the longer you parent your child, the less of a damn you give about.
00:40:26
Speaker
how people if people would judge you or what if they think this or that about you and again I think a lot of this these tips have to apply to all parents because I think we all are guilty of just trying to keep up appearances that's causing us distress or our children distress and you know we just have to be who we are and accept not just our children but also ourselves for who we are yes
00:40:55
Speaker
Some of us have little quirks, but if your friends don't accept you for who you are, do you really want to be with friends with those people? Although for a loss of parents of autistic, it's their family that they have the most worries and concerns about because
00:41:20
Speaker
as you mentioned there is the shame there is the stigma that goes with it and some of them some of my clients come from cultures where autism is considered to be a disability that limits your potential to achieve so culturally it's something that they are ashamed of it's something that is seen as
00:41:51
Speaker
limiting their ability to achieve the higher levels of their potential so they would rather not say my child is autistic than to have the whole family
Fathers' Roles and Challenges
00:42:02
Speaker
point or whisper behind their backs and that's also a big thing that you know parents need to
00:42:13
Speaker
overcome. So when I work with parents, we work on their mindset, we work on their limiting beliefs, we work on overcoming the traumas, we work on overcoming the beliefs that they grew up with.
00:42:31
Speaker
and the family structure and the belief that they were fed when it comes to how they parent their own child and how they acknowledge and accept their child autism and how they move forward with that. Sometimes that is one of the biggest things that they have in helping their child forward is the inability to actually fully accept it.
00:42:57
Speaker
Yeah, I think with a lot of men, a lot of dads, I don't know if that's your experience, but they seem to almost, it's a weird one, they seem to almost ignore it in many ways that they never want to talk about it. And to me, that's a sign that they, it's as if it's
00:43:24
Speaker
something bad about them, you know what I mean? Which I think it's very unproductive. I think long-term that's definitely not the most optimal strategy for the child's well-being and their own well-being. No. With dads it's complicated because most fathers are
00:43:46
Speaker
programmed, psychologically programmed to see themselves as protectors and providers. And when their child is diagnosed with autism, one, it's something that, as autistic, it's something that they, they don't have a full understanding of. And when they don't understand something,
00:44:11
Speaker
a lot of men go into the, I don't understand it, so I don't want to know about it. They don't really take the time to educate themselves about it. And two is when they don't understand it, it's something that they can't fight against and they can't protect their child from. And that then becomes
00:44:37
Speaker
where they feel like they are failing as fathers because they're not able to protect their child from this that they should have.
00:44:48
Speaker
They internalize it and see it as I should have been able to do this. Is it my fault? Have I am I responsible for this? And in a way, it takes them longer to come to terms with it if they do. And in that time, because moms are just the type that we have to do because, you know, the child
00:45:17
Speaker
grows within us and then from the moment that child is born, we are the source of life for that childhood nurture. We just step into the gap while the dads have the time to process things. You have no choice as a mom. Just do what the good Lord serves you.
00:45:43
Speaker
Yeah. But that leads to problems as well within the relationship. Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. We could talk about that as well. I think just to add to that, I honestly, I believe what is actually lacking as well. There's many, many things that are lacking to support the families with autistic kids. But one thing that's lacking is
00:46:08
Speaker
Dads need some type of resource, some person to talk about this stuff so they can figure it out in their head rather than sequestering it and ignoring it. Because what I've seen is that the moms take it upon themselves to figure everything out.
00:46:30
Speaker
So then they might want to try a gluten-free case and free diet. The dad is not helping with that. Or he won't, he will continue to eat, let's say, bread, or he won't change his diet. Or instead of being supportive, it's kind of derating from progress rather than saying, all right, let's do it. If this is what we have to do, no more bread, no more cereal. Easy. I just will stop buying it.
00:46:54
Speaker
Because it's not just a diet and you have to figure out cleaning up the environment. You have to like introduce supplements, et cetera, et cetera. So the faster you can help a man process these things and understand that it's not your fault or anything like that, but it is your responsibility. Your child is still your child. It is your responsibility as a provider to provide the best supports for that child. So get your ass.
00:47:24
Speaker
in line and start working towards that you know don't because otherwise we're stuck in this doom loop of procrastination and and you know it's with men that's gonna be very destructive yes very much so yes they create a great deal of friction in the relationship between
00:47:44
Speaker
parents. There's a lot of resentment that comes in then. And yeah, and a lot in the home environment doesn't change if dad is not on board with it. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and the, the ironic part is that if the dad helps with, you know, these changes, he will probably get healthier as well as with the whole family.
00:48:11
Speaker
Yeah.
Coaching and Future Projects
00:48:12
Speaker
So have you or rather I should ask, do you coach your clients around the interpersonal relationship stuff between mom and dad as well? Or how does you approach that?
00:48:29
Speaker
Yes, definitely. When I coach, I start with moms, because obviously moms are the ones that in 99% of the cases are the ones that are primary caregivers of their autistic child. So I start with moms, and we look at every aspect of their life. So it's a holistic element of it. It's not just how to help their child, it's everything to do with the whole
00:48:58
Speaker
family, it's the dynamics in, in the family, the relationship between them and their partner, the relationship between the children that they have, how the children are interacting with each other, how the autistic child is interacting with the other parent, we look at their mindset, we look at self care, we look at the time that they're taking for themselves, how the parents are connecting with each other.
00:49:27
Speaker
And one thing that I offer in my coaching program, which I know a lot of people don't, I understand that parenting an autistic child and doing everything by yourself is a huge, huge responsibility. So when someone takes my longer coaching programs, they have the option of bringing another person into that coaching relationship with them.
00:49:55
Speaker
so that two people are part of the coaching and two people are carrying everything as a shared responsibility. So in the home, in the family, both of them know what needs to be done. Both of them are working together. And I noticed that that helps the parent relationship. It helps the family dynamic and everybody is then moving forward
00:50:24
Speaker
together. I love that. So did I miss anything? Is there any, just as we start wrapping up here, is there any points you wanted to share with parents, any tips and words of wisdom? I think you've covered a lot. If there's anything that you'd like to still ask, I'm happy to answer.
00:50:52
Speaker
I think let's tell the folks how they can connect with you and the services you offer in a little bit more detail. Okay. So where can folks connect with you if they would like to follow you or contact you? Or do you have a website?
00:51:13
Speaker
The best places to connect with me right now is on Facebook. You can find me there and on LinkedIn or my link tree. There's a link to my link tree on Facebook as well. And you can book a free session with me to have a chat, see how I can help you. Tell me what's going on with you and what you're concerned about with your child. And we can talk about that.
00:51:41
Speaker
Well, we'll have all the links in the episode description, Moon. Let me just see. I had a few points here that you sent me. I just wanted to see if there's anything we missed here. I wanted to just quickly, as we wrap up, so again, folks, the links are down below if you want to connect with Moon or contact her. I just wanted to talk a little bit more concretely about
00:52:03
Speaker
When we talk about supports in the home, let's say your child was just diagnosed or it's been recent, when you say supports in the home, concretely, what would that actually look like? So part of my coaching program is actually not just coaching, but it's mentoring and giving you actionable strategies. So
00:52:30
Speaker
When you come to me, we actually look at what's going on in the house, what is happening with your child and you go away with this is something that you can try today to see if it helps with, for example, if your child is having a difficulty transitioning from one activity to another.
00:52:52
Speaker
And we look at where the difficulty in the transition is coming from, how this is actually presenting itself in your home, and what you can do to try and make sure that that isn't a problem. So when you leave a coaching session, you actually leave with an action step that you can try and see how that works. And if that doesn't work,
00:53:18
Speaker
you get back to me immediately and we try something else. So every coaching session, everything that you go away with, you go away with an actual practical step that you can try with your child. So it's not just listening to what you have to say and helping you to move forward. It's giving you practical strategies and tools for how to manage and how to cope and what you can do to help your child and yourself move forward.
00:53:49
Speaker
Yeah, I love that. It's all about, I think we have to focus on solutions. We have to equip folks out there with the tools. So for example, I think something like you, what you do and what I do is actually quite complimentary because
00:54:09
Speaker
In terms of what I do, we can identify biochemical imbalances, nutrient deficiencies, pathogenic stuff. We can address that. We can do dietary nutritional supplementation changes. But at the end of the day, you're talking about a parent's child
00:54:38
Speaker
So the softer skills that come with it, someone like yourself can really add to that where someone that's been in the trenches, you've experienced it for 25 years.
00:54:54
Speaker
with two kids. Having someone like that to advise you as a parent is absolutely invaluable as opposed to having to figure everything out with trial and error because trial and error equates to quite a lot of stress along the way. So the more you can shortcut that process, I think the sooner you can get to thriving in your family, which I think is what we all want for the clients that we serve. Definitely.
00:55:23
Speaker
where I am is 25 years of experience and I can
00:55:30
Speaker
help you to get the knowledge and the experience that I have in less than 25 years. 15 year stops. 12 weeks, one year. 12 weeks, six months, one year. I'm sure to make write down for you. Absolutely. The thing about it is my children
00:55:53
Speaker
are my children so every single day I am still learning more I'm still growing more and everything that I learn on a daily basis I bring with me into my coaching business so you know it's not that my experience is ever going to be old because I love it every day so I will I will always bring that with me have you considered writing a book
00:56:24
Speaker
I have considered writing a book. I've made a start on it. Nice. In between parenting my children. If you need any proofreading, let me know. Thank you. I will definitely take you up on that offer.
00:56:47
Speaker
Yeah, I was actually thinking of writing another short book related to autism, basically summarizing the most important parts of my book. So if I do decide to follow through on that project this year, I'll make sure to send you a copy when it's near done in case you want to peruse it and give me any feedback. Thank you. That would be good. I absolutely can write a book together.
00:57:14
Speaker
You never know. I mean, that's that's again, the thing is that it's such a there's such different aspects. It's like two sides to the same coin. Like, you know, we have the the bio, the biology, the biochemistry and all that stuff, which I believe you cannot. It's like I was reading Dr. William Moore. She's a famous biochemist and he talks about
00:57:39
Speaker
He's done a lot of research into autism, Alzheimer's, ADHD, depression, schizophrenia, and he's even worked with violent criminals. And he said that if a lot of those kids that grow up to be violent criminals, a lot of them have an inherited biochemical imbalance that can be modified with vitamins, minerals, amino acids, just nutritional strategies. He said,
00:58:06
Speaker
unless that is done, you cannot love away that imbalance. You know what I mean? So a lot of these kids, some 30% of them were orphans that he studied in his research. And he said that they're coming into loving families, but you cannot, certain things, you cannot love away. For example, certain anxieties that you have as a person, you cannot
00:58:31
Speaker
out meditate. You cannot out breath work. You have to have some type of nutritional strategy, biochemical strategy, along with that. So if we combine the two, I think that that's where people are going to have tremendous, basically, tremendous capacity to thrive as a family unit. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah.
00:58:54
Speaker
Moon, thank you so much. This was a pleasure. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your insight and wisdom. Like I said, links will be down below for the folks listening in case you want to get in touch with Moon or check out her resources and perhaps we'll have you again in the future. Thank you so much, Christian, for having me on your show. I really enjoyed my time today. Thank you.