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00:00:01
I got news for ya sister
20 Plays23 days ago
I talk about the difference between nothing mattering and nothing mattering that much, then I dissolve gender norms, all in a days work.
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Transcript
Nothing Matters vs. Nothing Matters That Much
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello beautiful people. it is currently 8.07. I'm in Denver, Colorado. And I have to tell you that we are back.
00:00:13
Speaker
And I don't want you to make a big deal of it. Even though it's a huge fucking deal. And, yeah, I don't think I'm gonna waste time beating around the bush because I have something I want to talk about.
00:00:27
Speaker
And that is the difference between nothing matters and nothing matters that much.
00:00:40
Speaker
I'm, for better for worse, I'd describe myself as a deep person. And couple years ago, i set out on the quest to determine the meaning of life.
00:00:53
Speaker
And i read, enough books where I feel like I grasped it. And it was oddly similar to the moment in Kung Fu Panda when Tai Lung gets the scroll that was meant for the dragon warrior and there's nothing on the scroll.
00:01:16
Speaker
I read a bunch of books, listened to a bunch of podcasts to find out that the meaning but of life is like, life is what you make it.
00:01:31
Speaker
It's up to you. And I was pissed. Because when you spend years looking for an answer, the answer basically being no answer is fucking bullshit.
00:01:49
Speaker
And...
00:01:51
Speaker
That stung, that stung me and Tai Long. But it wasn't no answer.
Life's Insignificance and Personal Freedom
00:01:59
Speaker
And for a while i deterent i was interpreting the message as nothing matters, which isn't true.
00:02:09
Speaker
Everything matters.
00:02:13
Speaker
Everything's made of matter and it matters um a different amount depending on who you ask.
00:02:22
Speaker
But I think if the meaning of life is up to each individual, it's fair to say that nothing matters that much. Like we
00:02:34
Speaker
are a bunch of evolved monkeys on a floating space rock. that is dependent on the sun for warmth. And the sun is just one of like a trillion stars.
00:02:49
Speaker
And there's a trillion other planets and a trillion other stars.
00:02:53
Speaker
And that can make it feel like my individual life or your your individual life is insignificant.
00:03:01
Speaker
And maybe it is. But it's my life sure as hell isn't and insignificant to me. And I hope that your life isn't insignificant to you. And it's such a blessing that each of us aren't the center of the whole universe.
00:03:20
Speaker
I don't want that pressure.
00:03:23
Speaker
ah hope you can see that you don't want that pressure. Pressure makes diamonds, but nah. Pressure makes stress, and stress kills.
00:03:33
Speaker
Say like you lose your job. if you If you're like nothing matters, that's like a dark place to be. But if you say nothing matters that much, then you're like, ah it's just a job.
00:03:49
Speaker
I'd get another one.
00:03:51
Speaker
And that's the difference between nothing matters and nothing matters that much. Nothing matters is like no reason to live.
00:04:03
Speaker
Nothing matters that much is like no no reason to trip, no reason to get angry.
00:04:10
Speaker
And isn't that so freeing that nothing matters that much?
The Pursuit of Personal Peace
00:04:15
Speaker
That means no matter what happens to you, you're going to be okay.
00:04:22
Speaker
I was reading something recently that said, we're all just trying to be okay. the bodybuilder is trying to get enough muscles where he'll finally think he's perfect and he'll be okay so nobody can hurt him.
00:04:40
Speaker
And same with fucking like Bezos and Musk. They're like, if I just get a little bit more money, I'll be okay. And I think that's even true for like monks meditating in the mountains.
00:04:56
Speaker
If they were really enlightened
00:05:01
Speaker
Why they got their eyes closed all the time?
00:05:05
Speaker
both um
00:05:09
Speaker
i think that made half sense.
00:05:12
Speaker
Sorry, I'm in the middle of the road.
00:05:15
Speaker
It's like an Eckhart Tolle, one of the books. He's like a philosophical writer kind of guy.
Critique of Rigid Peace Pursuits
00:05:25
Speaker
he once said something that bob he that boggled my mind. He said, what's the important what's the point of enlightenment if you can't have two glasses of wine? and the reason it boggled me is because everything I had been reading about like finding peace was like founded in rigidity.
00:05:54
Speaker
But rigidity isn't too fun, man. um
00:06:01
Speaker
Rigidity feels like being trapped. Rigidity feels like if I make a wrong move, then I'm toast. And a monk meditating in the mountains is like, if I open my eyes and go do normal life, I'm I'm toast.
00:06:17
Speaker
It feels like almost living out of fear. And maybe they're just in communion with God. And I love that for them.
00:06:28
Speaker
I'm just trying to like make the point that aren't we all just trying to be okay?
00:06:34
Speaker
Aren't we all just trying to be okay?
00:06:36
Speaker
We constantly... wish we were different, beat ourselves up for not being perfect when we don't really give ourselves enough credit for how hard it is to survive.
00:06:51
Speaker
And I think as a society, we don't even really acknowledge that life is hard because we don't want it to be hard.
00:07:01
Speaker
We wanna pretend it's easy. But when you pretend it's easy, you're constantly running into the truth that it's not.
00:07:12
Speaker
Like ignorance ain't bliss, in my opinion, in most cases, or at least some cases. living a lie, like, can't escape You can't escape the truth, my boy.
00:07:26
Speaker
you can't escape the truth my boy
00:07:30
Speaker
An example would be like ignorance is bliss. Like you think the sky is red. Like every you can't even go aside. And every time you catch a glimpse of the window, you're going to be like, what the hell is happening?
00:07:44
Speaker
And then either you can face the truth that the sky is bluer than the ocean, or you can stay away from the windows and your world gets even smaller.
00:07:59
Speaker
But the truth will set you free, my boy. And it's not always easy to face the truth. It's often not.
00:08:07
Speaker
I think that's why in some cases we prefer to remain ignorant.
00:08:13
Speaker
But in the long run, the truth will set you free.
Overcoming Challenges in Denver
00:08:18
Speaker
I'm on a walk in Denver. I'm about to walk past a woman and a dog. And I'm nervous. Cute dog.
00:08:31
Speaker
Morning.
00:08:33
Speaker
and But I'm on a walk in Denver and I just came up on a year in Denver. And did that year go perfectly? No.
00:08:43
Speaker
It did not. Has any year ever gone perfectly? No. It has not. But it came a long way.
00:08:54
Speaker
came a long way, man.
00:08:56
Speaker
I ran a half marathon.
00:08:58
Speaker
I got through my first year of grad school and becoming a therapist that came with a whole boatload of like mindset shattering realizations. To be honest, it was probably, it was one of the hardest years of my life.
00:09:19
Speaker
There's a song called like Hell of a Year by Parker McCollum, not the one from Gold Rush. um and I started listening to it somewhere like last winter. And
00:09:37
Speaker
I couldn't stop listening to it because last year beat the shit out of me.
00:09:43
Speaker
over and over again. Last summer I was feeling good. I started doing the pod. I moved to Denver. I was feeling fearless.
00:09:54
Speaker
And then ah started grad school. I had a couple, they kind of made me look at my life in a new way.
00:10:04
Speaker
it got cold. it was less sunny and I was in a dark place.
00:10:09
Speaker
you know And I stopped doing the pod. And I started to feel lost again.
00:10:15
Speaker
and like last winter was one of the darker times of my ah my life. I didn't really want to start off talking about why I stopped doing the pod, but I wasn't in a good place.
00:10:27
Speaker
I wasn't feeling too good about myself. And I didn't really want to be on camera. And I didn't wanna be yapping to folks, because I was like, these people shouldn't listen to a damn word I say, because I'm feeling lost.
00:10:44
Speaker
But that last year wasn't a failure, it was a setback.
00:10:49
Speaker
I really think progress, growth, even life, it's not linear.
00:10:55
Speaker
There's setbacks. It's a bumpy road.
00:10:58
Speaker
Another woman and a dog. Ooh, and a guy and a dog.
00:11:01
Speaker
Morning. Morning.
00:11:08
Speaker
But it's a bumpy road. It's...
00:11:11
Speaker
Two steps forward, one step back. Actually... It's more like three steps forward, two steps back. And after two steps back, you're like, man, what the fuck?
00:11:24
Speaker
I've been working. I've been grinding. And now I'm back to where I was like a fucking year ago. This is bullshit. I want to give up.
00:11:34
Speaker
And that's what happens
00:11:36
Speaker
when we all pretend like life isn't hard.
00:11:40
Speaker
It's like, why is my life not perfect? Whose life is perfect? Name one person.
00:11:46
Speaker
Look around you, bro. Sis. I know a lot of chicks listen to this podcast. um who Look around you.
00:11:59
Speaker
One of my mom's friends says, everyone is dealing with something. Everyone is getting their ass kicked by something. And that's why you shouldn't judge nobody.
00:12:12
Speaker
Because we don't even really talk about it most of the time. You see, bro, on the street, and you say, what, Juan? And they say, I'm chilling, bro.
00:12:25
Speaker
You really, are you just not talking about the shit you're dealing with? And if it's like a stranger, if it's an acquaintance, I get it. i don't think you need to get into the nitty gritty with every... meddy betty you meet on the street.
00:12:45
Speaker
But I hope you're talking about it with your family, or your friends,
00:12:52
Speaker
maybe even your colleagues at work.
00:12:56
Speaker
Because... Life is too hard to do a alone. gonna say that again.
00:13:05
Speaker
Life is too hard to do it alone. I don't wanna to do it alone. And the good news is don't have to.
00:13:16
Speaker
I spent many years of my life
00:13:21
Speaker
When people asked me how I was doing, I said, I'm good. and they were like, really? You look sad. And was like, fuck you, man. We don't talk about that. but And I didn't even like, that's actually a true story from high school.
00:13:37
Speaker
I used to be like, people be like, you doing okay? be like, fuck you, man. Why you gotta ask me that? I was doing okay.
00:13:44
Speaker
But the truth, you can't run from the truth, man. And I was sad. I didn't even really know I was sad, but I was sad. high school was a tough time for me. So was college.
00:13:56
Speaker
I'm doing a little better now, but life's tough. um
00:14:01
Speaker
And for a long time, I tried to hide from my problems. And after a while I was like, this shit really ain't working. And last last winter when I was talking about one of the darker times of my life,
00:14:17
Speaker
um
00:14:19
Speaker
that wasn't all bad. a lot of good ended up coming from that. And the good that ended up coming from that is i let some people in.
Opening Up and Building Resilience
00:14:32
Speaker
I let my family in. Apparently they knew I had some mental health stuff, but they didn't know the extent and they didn't knew know that I had been spending pretty much
00:14:48
Speaker
every moment of every day trying to fight it, trying to get by despite feeling like shit.
00:14:58
Speaker
I told my best friend, and it's really not easy to tell one of your boys that you're struggling.
00:15:07
Speaker
But because he was my actual boy, he he he gave me some kind words. He said, dog, I'm always here for you.
00:15:17
Speaker
I got your back. And that's all I needed to hear. i didn't need to talk about it. i didn't need to like
00:15:25
Speaker
cry to him.
00:15:27
Speaker
But sometimes when you're not doing okay, the added pressure of trying to get everybody think to think you're doing okay when you're not doing okay is just too much, man.
00:15:38
Speaker
And so from that point on, when I was having a bad day, ah felt less like scared tell them. I felt like I had someone to talk about it with. And talking about it always makes it better. That's why I'm becoming a therapist.
00:15:56
Speaker
And when last year it felt like
00:16:00
Speaker
It felt like I was a failure. It felt like my life came crashing down. It felt like I had started some cool stuff, but I failed. I wasn't good enough to keep going. Even though it was my choice to stop. And I mean, it was and it wasn't.
00:16:14
Speaker
I just couldn't keep going. As a man, the MO is pretty much
00:16:22
Speaker
shut your mouth and work harder.
00:16:25
Speaker
And there is some beauty in that because you don't make as much ah excuses
00:16:31
Speaker
and you get shit done rather than just whining about it.
00:16:36
Speaker
But you need to let somebody in, man. ah hope you do.
00:16:41
Speaker
Because life is hard and it's too hard to do alone.
00:16:45
Speaker
And I let those people in and I bounce back like I always do. Like 2-3 did with 4-5. Humans are incredibly resilient and I am a human.
Journey to Self-Acceptance
00:17:01
Speaker
So through the transitive property, I am resilient. And just because ah crash, don't mean that I can't fix my shit and get going again, man.
00:17:17
Speaker
It's not about how hard you can get. It's a about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
00:17:25
Speaker
Rocky, the Italian stallion. I'm the Irish stallion.
00:17:33
Speaker
And if you hit me and I end up on the ground, I hope you feel good. Because, motherfucker, I'm getting back up.
00:17:41
Speaker
And I'm angry. Anyone? Did anyone watch All-American? That show about that football player? um named Spencer, and it was like, it was a really good show for like the beginning of it, and then he just had this like go-to line where he'd be like, I'm angry.
00:18:03
Speaker
Like, bro, what?
00:18:05
Speaker
It just felt weird. I don't know.
00:18:08
Speaker
But I am angry. I got a lot of, I got a lot of moxie. Not moxie. I got a lot of energy, man.
00:18:19
Speaker
And I'm tired trying to fit all my energy this box of who I think y'all want me to be. Fuck who y'all want me to be, man.
00:18:32
Speaker
And here's the paradox.
00:18:36
Speaker
Paradox alert. Paradox the clock.
00:18:40
Speaker
Who you really want me to be is myself. So me trying to be who you, who i not even who you want me to be, me trying to be who I think you want me to be, that's a lose-lose, man.
00:18:54
Speaker
That's a lose-lose.
00:18:58
Speaker
In high school, I couldn't have been more, it started probably in middle school, I couldn't have been more concerned with wanting other people to like me.
00:19:10
Speaker
It's all I thought about. I forgot what I actually liked, what I actually enjoyed doing.
00:19:18
Speaker
Because that didn't matter as much as what you thought of me.
00:19:22
Speaker
And I was so cool in elementary school, man. I'm still pissed about the fall off I, the fall off I endured in middle school. Because I went from someone who was confident, who was...
00:19:37
Speaker
good at sports, who made his friends laugh, who has some killer hair, to in middle school.
00:19:46
Speaker
It's when we started caring about females, man.
00:19:50
Speaker
I was talking about, this is my boy the other day. You start start liking girls and then you start worrying about if girls like you, And then you start worrying about where you are on the totem pole of popularity. And your life is never the same.
00:20:09
Speaker
And I laugh about it, but it's not funny, man. It sucks. It sucks. I think that's what they call puberty. Fuck those hormones, man. Like Inside Out.
00:20:22
Speaker
I watched Inside Out 2 in a theater with my mom and I sobbed my eyes out, man. Cause that shit was telling my life story.
00:20:31
Speaker
But guess what, motherfucker? Story's not over. Flipped a page. I'm still here. um
00:20:41
Speaker
And for a while, the story was...
00:20:47
Speaker
I like everybody. Not everybody loved me. That's a stretch. I was kind of an asshole in elementary school. I didn't really have much empathy.
00:20:58
Speaker
But at least I had some fucking moxie. At least I had some fucking swagger.
00:21:06
Speaker
And I lost all that when I started worrying about what other people thought of me. Because fuck what they think, man. It's not they like.
00:21:15
Speaker
And when I really realized that is when i had been working so hard for, I probably, what how old was I in middle school? Like, I'll say 13.
00:21:27
Speaker
Almost like a decade, at least half a decade of trying to get other people to like me. And at first, the more you try, the less people actually like you.
00:21:40
Speaker
cause it's like that, you're just like agreeing with people because you think that's what they want to hear. That's not what they want to hear, man. I want to hear the truth. I want you to be real with me. I want you to keep it a buck.
00:21:54
Speaker
But people like say a girl I liked was like, my favorite artist is Billie Eilish.
00:22:07
Speaker
I was like, oh yeah, me too. Because I just wanted to be with that girl, man. But fuck that. Fuck Billie Eyelash. Fuck William Eyelash.
00:22:20
Speaker
I like other artists who can't say because they have ruined their public persona through anti-Semitism.
00:22:28
Speaker
But I like Jake Paul. i like Coda the Friend. Fuck Billy Eyelash, man.
00:22:35
Speaker
And I really realized this whole lesson when I got to the point where I got so good at, I mean, I did and I didn't.
00:22:46
Speaker
I got to the point where other people liked me,
00:22:50
Speaker
but I didn't like myself.
00:22:52
Speaker
And that didn't feel like I got half the puzzle right. It felt like I got the whole puzzle wrong.
00:23:01
Speaker
Because in elementary school, I wasn't an asshole, but people fucked with me because I was me.
00:23:09
Speaker
It's like, why would I really want to hang out with someone who's not even being real with me?
00:23:15
Speaker
Like nobody, maybe in the short term, you like it when someone blows smoke up your ass.
00:23:23
Speaker
But that's what happens like
00:23:25
Speaker
when people are like, I don't know, man. It's like i got to the point where people liked me and I didn't like myself. And I was like, it just put,
00:23:37
Speaker
I was like, what other people matter, think of me matters zero if I don't like myself.
00:23:45
Speaker
And that's when I started having to be true to myself.
00:23:50
Speaker
And that was hard because I don't fit in a lot of these boxes that society makes. Like men don't talk about their emotions. Fuck that. I'm to talk about whatever the hell I want to talk about.
00:24:03
Speaker
And that don't make me weak. Being scared to be judged for talking about your emotions, now that's weak. Me doing something I know I'll get judged for, now that's strength.
00:24:20
Speaker
And there are a lot of things where I do fit in a box. Like I'm in social work school and people see me And they're like, I know exactly who that guy is.
00:24:34
Speaker
That's the guy, that's the white boy with good hair. He don't have a damn problem in the world. When behind the scenes, they know jack shit about what I'm going through.
00:24:45
Speaker
And people in my school, they make jokes. Every time like we're talking about a male client, they're like, What consideration should we have for this client? Which they're all about for every other population.
00:24:57
Speaker
But when the white male pop up, they're like they laugh. They laugh, man.
00:25:05
Speaker
And you know what I don't think is funny? That the rate of suicide for men is like three to four times higher.
00:25:14
Speaker
Do they laugh at that? You really think being a man is a cakewalk?
00:25:19
Speaker
I got news for you, sister. i got some news. It ain't easy on this side either. i know. I believe the patriarchy is real.
00:25:32
Speaker
I'll be the first to admit that. But if you think being a man is all butterflies and rainbows,
00:25:42
Speaker
and't i got I'm to have to get back you on that one because you left me speechless.
00:25:48
Speaker
Yes, women are taken less seriously in the professional setting. But do you know how much it sucks having to pretend like you're happy all the time?
00:26:01
Speaker
Pretend like you're doing great all the time? Like if you're not doing great, You get a pint of ice cream, a bottle of wine, and you link up with your sisters.
00:26:13
Speaker
And you do what you meant to do, but we can't do that, man.
00:26:18
Speaker
We grab a beer, we put on a football game, and we pretend that everything's fine. And most of the time, you have a couple of beers with your friends, and you're like, maybe everything is fine.
00:26:35
Speaker
But everything not fine. Because I'm pissed. Because I don't like having to hide how I'm feeling. And I think that's a me thing.
00:26:46
Speaker
Maybe other guys don't really have the same sentiment. But I wear my heart on my sleeve.
00:26:54
Speaker
I really do not enjoy hiding how I feel. I like being authentic.
00:27:00
Speaker
And maybe it's because I learned the hard way
00:27:03
Speaker
that being fake ain't gonna make you happy, man.
00:27:07
Speaker
It really ain't.
00:27:09
Speaker
But I don't care how I got here, because I got something to say.
00:27:14
Speaker
And things, like, women ain't happy with the patriarchy. I'm not happy with the patriarchy.
Breaking Free from Gender Norms
00:27:23
Speaker
I hope that other men aren't happy with the patriarchy.
00:27:27
Speaker
Here's the truth. Some are, some aren't.
00:27:29
Speaker
But how about we level the playing field a little bit?
00:27:33
Speaker
That's what y'all want. That's what some of us want. Let's do it.
00:27:40
Speaker
How we do that exactly? I don't know. For me,
00:27:46
Speaker
i I start by being the change I want to see in the world. Me and Gandhi.
00:27:53
Speaker
Because that's the easiest way. And that's also... That's where you have the most power is choosing how you act. And it's also how you be happy.
00:28:05
Speaker
So it's a win-win. I turn a lose-lose into a win-win. I turn a frown-frown into a grin-grin.
00:28:13
Speaker
Now let's get cracking. How do I do that? Maybe it's with the podcast. How about that?
00:28:19
Speaker
Maybe I got some females on here. and we talk about, and we hash it out.
00:28:27
Speaker
Maybe I get some men on here and we open up. Talk about how being a man ain't all butterflies and rainbows.
00:28:36
Speaker
But thank y'all for listening, man. My walk is coming to an end. So I guess so with this episode.
00:28:44
Speaker
But I appreciate anyone who listened. And for those who did listen while I took some time off.
00:28:54
Speaker
I'm sure y'all were fine without the podcast. But some of you expressed that you were sad I stopped making it.
00:29:01
Speaker
And I hope you know that I was sad too.
00:29:04
Speaker
But it just wasn't in the cards. I was going through some stuff that I didn't really want to go through publicly. I'm a man and I can't do that.
00:29:15
Speaker
don't want to only talk about gender norms on this shit, but kind of it' something I'm passionate about.
00:29:24
Speaker
That and the movie Rocky.
00:29:27
Speaker
um But ending message would be be yourself. Everyone else is taken. Nah, the real one, I mean, that is true. I know it sounds corny, but it's true.
00:29:43
Speaker
Is that my cup outside?
00:29:47
Speaker
um
00:29:49
Speaker
But the ending message of the day would be, touch yourself some slack, man. Sis.
00:29:58
Speaker
Stop being mad you're not perfect. And take a second to give yourself some credit on how hard you worked just to be okay.
00:30:08
Speaker
And how far you've came. Even if there have been setbacks, you've came a long way. And I'm proud of you. And I hope you're proud of yourself.
00:30:19
Speaker
And I love you. And I hope you love yourself.
00:30:22
Speaker
And also, let's get rid of these gender norms, baby. Because they're not affecting me the way I want them to.
00:30:32
Speaker
right. I'm outie. 5,000. Peace. hence