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Life is weird man/My life story
52 Plays8 months ago
It is what it is my boy
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Purpose
00:00:01
Wes MacMillan
What's up fuckers and welcome back to Philosophony, the show with deep talks and dumb jokes. Today's guest is Hoodie Slee, which is just me with the hoodie on.
Questioning the Podcast's Continuation
00:00:16
Wes MacMillan
um Yeah, a couple, an hour ago I was like, I might never do this podcast again because
00:00:27
Wes MacMillan
I don't really feel as though like I've got it all figured out. It all figured out. So why the hell am I giving advice? But maybe, maybe I, and the thing I have figured out, and maybe that's why I should give advice his life is life fucking weird, man.
00:00:45
Wes MacMillan
It is a, it is absurd. And the reason I've, it's been a weird day, but the reason The latest revelation in this is I woke up to, I didn't wake up, I just saw ah picture.
00:01:01
Wes MacMillan
was posted for like my whole school of me getting a mullet with like the almost Friday thing on it.
Life's Absurdities and Personal Choices
00:01:11
Wes MacMillan
And I,
00:01:15
Wes MacMillan
and it kind of ties back to the reason I got the mullet and the reason my hair still looks a little less good than normal. ah The reason I got the mullet is because I know that life is weird and that's why I can do crazy things like get a mullet with like little to no repercussions.
00:01:36
Wes MacMillan
And like life is...
Meaning of Life and Acceptance of Suffering
00:01:43
Wes MacMillan
My true belief is that like life is inherently meaningless.
00:01:49
Wes MacMillan
And what the most important word in that is inherently. Like it doesn't mean that life is meaningless. It means that it is up to you to give your life meaning.
00:02:03
Wes MacMillan
And if you don't, then it will be meaningless. And that like life is meaningless idea is what fuels a lot of pretty much all of my existential dread and fuels a lot of my anxiety and depression.
00:02:20
Wes MacMillan
But it's also like the most freeing thing in the world. Because it's like, oh, you're worried about like a test you got to see on? Well, nothing matters and you're a monkey on a floating space rock.
00:02:34
Wes MacMillan
And there's, i looked it up before, I think there's septillion other planets, that's like one with 24 zeros. And we're just on one of them. And I don't know why, like, we're the only ones that seem to have, like, animals and shit, but it is what it is.
00:02:56
Wes MacMillan
And that is my mantra. I've had ah couple mantras in my day. don't remember if I, I don't think I remember any of the other ones.
00:03:12
Wes MacMillan
But couple over the summer, it was nothing matters. Let's have some fun. And it's ah better a better one is, well, that's all that one's not bad. And it kind of relates to the
00:03:27
Wes MacMillan
inherent meaningless of life
00:03:30
Wes MacMillan
But now I think my the best one, another one of mine is it is what it is. Because like...
00:03:41
Wes MacMillan
You can't... There's a lot of things in life you can't change. And like resisting them will do nothing but just bring you a lot of pain and suffering. My new therapist who gets a pretty penny per hour.
00:03:58
Wes MacMillan
He said that all... Suffering comes from resistance. Whether that's like. There's a pretty bird outside.
00:04:08
Wes MacMillan
Damn.
00:04:12
Wes MacMillan
Like nothing matters. But that was a pretty cool bird. That's kind of the essence. Of what I'm saying. But. um
00:04:24
Wes MacMillan
He said. Resistance creates like all suffering. It's like if I say I hate my face cause i have a bit because i have a bit of a moon face, which I don't really hate it.
00:04:40
Wes MacMillan
I wish it was a little more vertical, a little less wide. I also look like years younger than I am, but it is what it is, man. Because like i and I've spent a lot time.
00:04:55
Wes MacMillan
Not like, just time just sitting there and being sad about it, but like, I've spent a lot of energy like being sad and like wishing I looked my age or older. It would be so cool to like look older.
00:05:07
Wes MacMillan
Like you walk in somewhere, like you're in you're underage and you walk into a bar and people are just like, what's up dude? And like, that would be sick. But no, i I walk into a bar when I'm allowed to be there and they're like, buddy, have you lost?
00:05:24
Wes MacMillan
like oh but like I can't change that so I it is what it is man and caveat a clock to that is there's some things in life that you can change and if you can change them you should and I used to feel like bad about myself I used to feel like guilty or bad that I like was so insecure about my tooth gap that I closed it but like I like the way I look a lot better now and that that matters.
00:05:59
Wes MacMillan
Instead of looking in the mirror and being like, dude, you look uneducated. i look in the mirror, I'm like, all right, moon face, at least you got nice teeth. You know I mean? and i'm done I'm done like trying to be perfect.
00:06:18
Wes MacMillan
And like, cause in my mind it's like, I should have like sat with that insecurity until it dissipate, like shut up. Like, I mean, shut up.
00:06:30
Wes MacMillan
Like if you can change something, then change it. Like that's, if you can do something the easy way, maybe do it the easy way. And like, I,
00:06:44
Wes MacMillan
yeah
00:06:46
Wes MacMillan
But there's a lot of things in life you can't change, and that's when you just got to go, is what it is. Like, you you could get fired from your job, and you you'd probably, in that situation, be, like, freaking out.
00:07:01
Wes MacMillan
Like, you don't know how you're going to pay rent. And... Shit like that. But. You could be freaking out. Until you go. it is what it is.
00:07:15
Wes MacMillan
Because. it is bro. And like.
00:07:20
Wes MacMillan
And that's where it gets to the point where it's like, if you can change something, change it. Like you got fired. He started looking for another job, bro. Like we sit. So in me, I'm one of these people, I'm, I'm head of this party, sit around just like so much, like wishing for things to be different.
00:07:39
Wes MacMillan
Like I wish like the president was different. I wish like, We like the economy. I don't care about the economy. I'll be honest. I wish the environment wasn't like slowly going downhill, but like it is what it is, my boy.
Criticism of Modern Convenience
00:07:58
Wes MacMillan
And that's that the bigger issues is where it gets complicated with like the environment, because theoretically we could change. And maybe save it. But that doesn't seem fun.
00:08:12
Wes MacMillan
likema we're Like, dude, there's no way we're ever going back. Like, if I buy something on Amazon, it'll probably be here, like, tomorrow. We're not going back to, like, I have to wait three weeks for, like, a package or I have to, like, leave my house to do something because that was so bad. And not that... Another good point is, like, easy doesn't mean good.
00:08:39
Wes MacMillan
And what we're doing in life right now is like we're just like trying to eliminate every minor inconvenience. And that it doesn't make us any happier. It just makes us lazier and then we feel guilty about being lazy and then we're unhappy.
00:08:57
Wes MacMillan
But it is what it is my boy. I... Like i I've read a lot of like spiritual, self-help, philosophy books. And I think about philosophy enough to have a podcast about it.
00:09:13
Wes MacMillan
And I promise you, it's I was like looking for the answer. Like what is the meaning of life for years, bro?
Subjective Meaning and Nihilistic Optimism
00:09:21
Wes MacMillan
for years and i I got to the end of the road and the answer is... edes what I'm kidding.
00:09:30
Wes MacMillan
The answer is that life is inherently meaningless and it is up to you to give it meaning. Which is... I spent hours, years of my life like going down that path and the the conclusion is life is what you make it.
00:09:46
Wes MacMillan
Do you know fucking angry that made me dude?
00:09:52
Wes MacMillan
Like I was, I was like looking for the meaning that would like solve all my problems. And it was just like, the answer is pretty much like it's on you, Ka.
00:10:04
Wes MacMillan
Which is, is what it is. But it gives you a lot more like responsibility and a lot more power.
00:10:15
Wes MacMillan
what I mean? Type shit. Like,
00:10:22
Wes MacMillan
I like,
00:10:26
Wes MacMillan
one of the things I like, I kind of wish I had a girlfriend, but like, i haven't pursued a girl in fucking months, dude. So it's like, that's on you, cuh.
00:10:37
Wes MacMillan
You know what I mean? Like that's on me. And honestly, that's a lot better than just like, God isn't giving me what I want right now.
00:10:50
Wes MacMillan
Like, because then you just got like, sit pretty until God decides to bless you. And I'm not saying God's not real. I'm just saying life is weird and I don't know what's going on.
00:11:03
Wes MacMillan
But, and this might, if my parents are listening to this, they'll probably be concerned. But I promise you, like, there is ah source of, like, happiness and freedom in this. I promise you.
00:11:19
Wes MacMillan
Cause every time something bad happens, you can just be like, good thing, nothing matters and move about your business. I was doing that this summer and I was chilling with my boy, Adam. I wasn't chilling.
00:11:33
Wes MacMillan
Well, I was sort of chilling, but we were like working at a restaurant and I'd be like, they didn't tip me, blah, blah, blah. And then we'd be like, dude, but nothing matters and we're monkeys on a space rock. So fuck it.
00:11:46
Wes MacMillan
And theoretically you could do that for like the happy the good things that happen to in your life too but don't because that like say like you just like passed a test you studied so hard for and then you're just like well um but I'm just like a monkey on a floating space rock and like there's a million other there's a septillion other planets don't do that my whole philosophy is the big boy term for is it big boy term for is it the big boy term for it is nihilistic optimism nihilistic meaning nothing matters and optimistic is optimistic is just like choosing to see the bright side
00:12:38
Wes MacMillan
So when you ace a test you studied hard for, just fucking feel feel that goodness. Feel like, because when something is meaningful to you, just enjoy it.
00:12:53
Wes MacMillan
Just enjoy it. And then whenever you're tripping about any anything, whenever you're in your feelings about like anything, like, oh this girl, don't me. Bro, you're a monkey on a space rock.
00:13:09
Wes MacMillan
And then, i mean, when I say that to myself, it's like, it's just like, it's so grounding. It's like, why the hell am I tripping? And this, this philosophy is just, it's a recipe to never trip again. If you can remind yourself to do so.
00:13:34
Wes MacMillan
Not mean type shit.
00:13:38
Wes MacMillan
And yeah. and what I was talking about before with the, um, what was I talking about?
00:13:54
Wes MacMillan
Like the life is absurd. Life is weird. Yeah, that. I didn't really accept that until today, and i might wake up tomorrow and have unaccepted it, but for today, it's just like finding peace in the madness, dude, and that's really all I'm trying to do, and yeah, it's what I was talking about with like the when something good happens to you, just enjoy it, that's
00:14:28
Wes MacMillan
that's, like, it's up to you what matters to your life matters to you, but also, like, you don't really even have to, you can be intentional about it, but, like, I care about my family, because that's my fucking family, like, that's not something I have to, like, push myself, and I, like, I like things that make me feel good, and in that sense, it's, like, you don't even really have to decide, like,
00:14:57
Wes MacMillan
I think everyone's a little different and like you may you may be really into like knitting. Whereas me, it's like I don't give a fuck about knitting. I never really tried it. But like if you like knitting, then fucking knit, bro.
00:15:14
Wes MacMillan
But i'm I like different things. Like I like skiing. I like music. That's a little whoosie burp mirror. And if you're on the audio version, what's up, dude?
00:15:26
Wes MacMillan
um I was pointing to things in my room. But I like skiing. I like music. I like yoga because it makes my body feel good. And it just kind of clears my mind. And I get a good sweat going.
00:15:38
Wes MacMillan
I like my family because I love them. I like my friends because I like spending time with them. So it's like you don't even really have to
00:15:49
Wes MacMillan
chase this, like, meaning in your life. Like, it's there. You just got like, enjoy it.
00:15:58
Wes MacMillan
And this is easier said than done. Don't I know it? Because, yeah, like I said before, that life is meaningless ideas, like, fueled my depression, anxiety, and existential dread.
00:16:16
Wes MacMillan
Especially because, like, depression sucks. Maybe I'll talk about that next Yeah, the the whole reason I went down this path of like philosophy is I was in college and I literally like I probably Googled it 100 times like thinking the Google results would be different, but I would literally be like how to be happy.
00:16:38
Wes MacMillan
And I didn't even know i was depressed. I was just like, i just don't know how to be happy. It's so it should be a quick fix. But no, it was depression. And then I like I was looking at how the fuck do I be happy and I was looking for like that's kind of what started me down like this philosophy path.
00:17:02
Wes MacMillan
And ah gave me an answer it wasn't the one I wanted but I'm beginning to accept it and then. i like i so I went to like a therapist at that time and I was like Googling every day. I was like, how the fuck do I be happy? like I need to know. and The therapist, like he did this like depression like survey and it was like, do you have a hard time enjoying things in your life? I was like, oh, hell yeah. like That's one of my biggest problems. and Then he was like,
00:17:33
Wes MacMillan
do you like, are you just like worrying all the time? And I was like, yes, dude. And then like just a bunch of those. and it was like, do you like the big one was like, do you have a hard time enjoying things? And I was like, yes.
00:17:48
Wes MacMillan
And then I kind of heard that and I was like, that's probably not good. There's probably something wrong with that. That should be fixed.
Self-Expression and People-Pleasing
00:17:57
Wes MacMillan
And I'm working on it.
00:18:01
Wes MacMillan
And I think I've made a lot of progress. I know I have. And one of the things with depression, and I know I'm kind of all over the place, but it is what it is. Yeah,
00:18:22
Wes MacMillan
because a lot, evatably the biggest thing with depression is like the suppression of expression. And I do that a lot.
00:18:33
Wes MacMillan
And if you want a less fancy pants way of saying it, it's like people pleasing.
00:18:40
Wes MacMillan
And I don't know if there's there's a lot of factors that go into depression, but this is a big one. And it's it's kind of intuitive when you listen to me because I'm really smart.
00:18:54
Wes MacMillan
So here's what it is. It's like, it's kind of like avoiding your emotions and avoiding like expressing yourself like we'll be in a group and someone will ask me like hey what do you think we should do and I'm like I don't care that's not true I do care i just want to be like easygoing and non-problematic and non like avoid conflict
00:19:26
Wes MacMillan
Because if I don't put my horse in the race, I can't lose. but And it's not just that. It's like... I'm so worried about what other people are thinking.
00:19:39
Wes MacMillan
The new theory. ah there Yeah, that's the new slang for therapist, if you didn't hear. If you didn't know that, you're probably fucking loser. But my new theory said that... um My new theory said...
00:19:55
Wes MacMillan
Yeah, my memory's pretty shit. I can't remember.
00:20:02
Wes MacMillan
um But one of the things he was saying is like, he kind of called me on my bullshit. Because like, and I do the, yeah, he called it impression management. Like constantly worrying about what other people think of me instead of just like living my life.
00:20:21
Wes MacMillan
And I think this comes down to the belief that like if I do things that people don't like, then they won't like me. Which kind of seems true, right? Like it's not crazy that I came up with that in my mind.
00:20:38
Wes MacMillan
But it's like if I've had a friend for like, I don't know, like if I like tell my roommates, like last night I didn't really want to go out, but I went out with my roommates because I...
00:20:51
Wes MacMillan
To be honest, I just didn't want to like let them down or like not go out and have them like not like me. And when I say it out loud, it's like, bro, there's they're not going to hate you because you stayed in one night.
00:21:07
Wes MacMillan
But for whatever reason, it's just like built into me that like I.
00:21:16
Wes MacMillan
I guess it's built into me that like if I was left in my own devices, people wouldn't like me.
00:21:26
Wes MacMillan
And it's kind of the core of all depression, I think, is like that I am not enough or I'm not enough. It's the same fucking thing. But yeah, so maybe that's why I think like that's why I spend so much time like trying to be what other people want me to be because I think they won't like me for me
00:21:48
Wes MacMillan
Which, that's pretty sad, as I'm saying it out loud. But you know what's pretty happy? Is this podcast is me. This is this podcast is me being me.
00:22:01
Wes MacMillan
So in some ways, it's kind of the antidote or, like, the cure. Or it's, like, a form of expression. And like I said, like, depression is a form of expression.
00:22:14
Wes MacMillan
So that's why this is so, that's why I should keep doing it. And even when I don't want to do it, it's just feel like, why the hell does like anyone listen to you?
00:22:27
Wes MacMillan
Like, why, why would they care? You've done nothing substantial, which in a sense is like kind of true. Cause most podcasts are like established people like Theo Vaughn and Joe Rogan. I think maybe like those were already professional comedians and then they started a podcast, but maybe I'm just going to do it the reverse way.
00:22:49
Wes MacMillan
Because I think I'm pretty funny. And i think I like doing it. And it's not even... like I gotta remind myself that, like, the goal of this is not to, like, blow up or become famous. It's just, like, it's a form of expression.
00:23:08
Wes MacMillan
It's a form of expression. It's sharing my little light with the world. And that matters. Because my tendency and my habit is to...
00:23:21
Wes MacMillan
hot like not express myself because in my mind expressing myself could go wrong so i don't do it but i would not recommend man would not recommend and i'm getting a lot better at it like just being honest like i wasn't like a liar in the sense that like i was doing it in
00:23:50
Wes MacMillan
malicious way. i was lying because
00:23:55
Wes MacMillan
i wanted you to like me and I was lying because I thought I needed to.
00:24:02
Wes MacMillan
Like, old me would never, like, tell people he goes to therapy because he was like, what if they think you're a pussy or a loser? But new me is like, I'm so sick of trying to, like, hiding myself and, like, not just trying to be someone else that I'm just, like, EDs what EDs. Like, this is me.
00:24:27
Wes MacMillan
I am what I am Take it or leave it. And... on another episode of the podcast, we boiled it down and like being, accepting who you are and like just being like who you are is pretty much like the coolest thing you can do.
Genuine Self-Acceptance
00:24:45
Wes MacMillan
In the movie, like Inside Out, or she joins like Inside Out 2, she joins a hockey team and they're like making fun of this artist artists she likes. And she was like, yeah, I hate them. When in reality, she loved them.
00:24:59
Wes MacMillan
And that's kind of like the lying that I would do. Dude, like i i watched Inside Out 2 in theaters with my mom and I sobbed. I fucking sobbed and she cried too.
00:25:14
Wes MacMillan
but i And i like old me would never admit that, but I am what I am. And that's a form of ED's what ED's. The it in this case is me.
00:25:26
Wes MacMillan
That's not really my pronoun, but my pronoun is him. I always want to make that joke in school because my school is all about like, what's your name and your pronouns? I want to be like my name and like nor cisgender male pronouns or he him, but I just want to be like my name's Wes and my pronoun is him and just dead stare the whole fucking class.
00:25:50
Wes MacMillan
But I don't. And That kind of reminds me of something that, like, a couple of my theories have said. It's like, you like i you can't be, like, your full self at work, so sort of.
00:26:08
Wes MacMillan
Like, maybe you don't swear at work. Maybe you keep your, like, outlandish, crazier thoughts inside. And I think maybe that's okay to an extent.
00:26:20
Wes MacMillan
It's more about, like, just... As long as it's a version of you.
00:26:30
Wes MacMillan
Like, what want to avoid is, like, say your boss, like...
00:26:38
Wes MacMillan
I don't know. I just...
00:26:44
Wes MacMillan
I don't know. And I think... In my future career as a therapist, I'm going to try to be my authentic self. And my teachers have said that, like, that matters a lot. I may try to stop swearing so that my mom can stop telling me to stop swearing on the podcast and that I can stop, like, swearing in therapy.
00:27:05
Wes MacMillan
And so I can, like, be my full self without having to, like, filter and, like, be a reduced version of myself. But maybe I won't. I don't know, I kind of, I do have kind of a potty mouth.
00:27:17
Wes MacMillan
Because I'm from Boston. I don't know why.
00:27:24
Wes MacMillan
All the music I listen to, they swear. Like, the comedians I watch swear.
00:27:31
Wes MacMillan
Swearing is sick. Did you ever have that, like, adult when you were younger that would, like, swear in front of you? Like... and This was something I tweeted once, but like some adults like would swear in front of you because they think like you'd think you're, they were cool for it and they were so right.
00:27:52
Wes MacMillan
Like I would have like a substitute teacher and he'd say like ass and I'd be like, whoa, this dude fucks. Like I like this dude a lot. We're going to hang out. But yeah, you want to be, the most important thing is
00:28:10
Wes MacMillan
acceptance and in this context i'm talking about accepting yourself for who you are and like sharing that with the world but also like
00:28:22
Wes MacMillan
accepting and I genuinely believe that like how you view the world is how you view yourself. So if you accept yourself, then you're going to accept the world.
00:28:34
Wes MacMillan
And like I said before, resisting creates all suffering and the opposite of resisting is accepting. So if you accept yourself completely, you, I think will be a whole lot happier.
00:28:49
Wes MacMillan
Cause I Googled how to be happy. Tried the shit. Didn't work. So I'm doing it on my own. And maybe that's what this podcast is about.
00:29:00
Wes MacMillan
And that is what it's about.
00:29:04
Wes MacMillan
It's about like my healing journey.
00:29:11
Wes MacMillan
And I think that's pretty cool. If like.
00:29:15
Wes MacMillan
You get to see like the whole progression. You get to see my story. My journey. And hopefully you feel like you're along for the ride. And hopefully my journey inspires you on your healing journey.
00:29:29
Wes MacMillan
And I don't even know what I'm healing from, being a pussy maybe. no But it's it's my journey into like being myself and like trying to make sense of this crazy world.
00:29:43
Wes MacMillan
And im today's been a good day. I think everyone has good days and bad days. Today's been a good day. I had another great day after hot yoga on Friday. It was Friday night.
00:29:59
Wes MacMillan
And that's like another thing. Like doing, like staying in. And I was talking about this a little bit in the last episode with Philly Met. Like staying in anything but like drinking with my friends on a Friday night makes me feel like a loser.
00:30:14
Wes MacMillan
And, but I'm starting to just like accept that like I'm, I don't really want to do that every weekend night. And that's okay. So last Friday night, I went to a hot yoga class at 7 p.m.
00:30:27
Wes MacMillan
And it was fantastic. And I got a good sweat on. I got a good stretch in And as I was like driving, I was driving home. I put on that like in your feelings, Drake, not like Marvin's room, but like come and see me. And it was like, dude,
00:30:43
Wes MacMillan
anxiety and depression makes like being alone suck. But I was feeling so good. And I was just enjoying the shit out of my ride home.
00:30:54
Wes MacMillan
Why you gotta stop girl, why you gotta stop? I know you make time for the thing that you want. I know you got another trying to play part that if you don't know the song, come and see me by Party Next Door featuring Drake, go listen that right now.
00:31:09
Wes MacMillan
But i like on the drive home, i was like, I have a fantastic life, man on paper.
00:31:24
Wes MacMillan
And that is a joke, but I think jay Cole once said all ah jokes contain true shit. And this one does because depression, the difference between sadness and depression is that sadness is circumstantial, but depression is just like, I can't enjoy anything.
00:31:41
Wes MacMillan
And like on paper, I have some fucking great friends. I'm headed towards a great career. i got a supportive family. And as I've gone farther in my healing journey, I've really come to see i have an amazing life.
00:31:59
Wes MacMillan
I've been, I don't know if I've been blessed, but I got some great things in my life. Mainly people. There's a quote, it said like, what's more important in life, the destination, the journey or the destination?
00:32:16
Wes MacMillan
And the guy says the company, meaning like the people you do it with. And that's, I think, I think maybe all of them matter a little bit, but I really think like life is about the people.
00:32:27
Wes MacMillan
And I've been so worried about like doing life wrong. I like, I was like, what do people right before they die, like say mattered most in life. And they said the people and it's true, like at every phase of my life and I'll just shout them out. Cause fuck it.
00:32:45
Wes MacMillan
Um, and maybe I'll tell this story. um So it was beginning of high school. So I'll just start at middle school.
00:32:56
Wes MacMillan
Like, and up until middle school, I was, like, a such a carefree kid. i like, walked around, like, not giving a shit what anybody else thought. And I was a bit of an asshole, I'd say. But, like, and I looked years younger than I was. It wasn't like I was the coolest kid in school.
00:33:12
Wes MacMillan
But I was ah very confident and, like, I was happier because I just didn't give a shit what anyone else thought because I was just doing me. and then seventh grade hit and it was like, whoa, whoa.
00:33:27
Wes MacMillan
That's like the Star Wars lightsaber noise. But, and my whole life changed forever. And this is sad.
00:33:37
Wes MacMillan
This part of the story is sad. It was something, something flipped. Flip. That's not the sound. The shit makes a bit... But something flipped and suddenly i was like...
00:33:57
Wes MacMillan
everybody hates me. And like, I just became like awkward as fuck. And it sucked, dude. I went from being like such a confident, carefree kid. And then in seventh grade, I remember like walking up to a lunch table and this girl, I won't say her name, Cameron.
00:34:15
Wes MacMillan
um won't say last name. but
00:34:20
Wes MacMillan
won't say last name, but Cameron, like, and I was, I was one of like the
00:34:26
Wes MacMillan
Oh, fuck. I don't care what you think. I was one of the cooler, popular kids in, like, elementary school. But first, not first day, maybe first day. First day in middle school, i walk in the lunchroom, and there's one girl sitting at, like, a round table.
00:34:44
Wes MacMillan
And she was, like, one of the cool girls. And I, like, went to go sit down. She was like... all these seats are taken, like, why the fuck are you trying to sit at the cool kids table? And then from there, ah never recovered, which is so kind of a joke, but it's kind of not like it.
00:35:02
Wes MacMillan
From that point on, i just started thinking so much about like what other people thought of me. Like I thought I was this cool kid and I wasn't. is my whole life a lie and like am I and and then I just started trying to say the right thing all the time still kind of trying to do that and that's where I stopped being myself and I started being what I thought other people wanted to me to be and what I thought I needed to be to fit in and
00:35:34
Wes MacMillan
Seventh grade, kind of rough. I had one friend who was just like crazy manipulative. And then actually two of them, but they left. They left.
00:35:45
Wes MacMillan
And I'll leave it at that. They left the school, not the earth. They died. I killed that. they They ended up going to private school, and that low-key was a blessing.
00:35:57
Wes MacMillan
but And then high school came around, and ah joined the freshman soccer team, and it was me and then, like, three other friends, and we were, like, tight as fuck. We had a good time.
00:36:08
Wes MacMillan
We were playing FIFA tournaments. We were hitting up Buffalo Wild Wings. It was a movie. And then a little bit into it, maybe, like, a year – Probably like sophomore year of high school, one of the kids like went to go hang out with his old friend group and he was kind of the glue.
00:36:28
Wes MacMillan
He's actually a DJ now, which is crazy, but he left. And then the rest of us were like, we don't really feel like a group without him. So then the other kid left and then me and my best friend at the time, like went to like go kind of join another group, but that group just...
00:36:49
Wes MacMillan
I don't know. To be honest, the truth of it is that, like, I just didn't like
00:36:58
Wes MacMillan
who I was in that group. I didn't like, I didn't like how I fit in. I didn't like the role I played, I guess. And, like, I would, and this was mainly, like, seating at lunch, but it's also, like, who you hang out with.
00:37:11
Wes MacMillan
So I would, like,
00:37:14
Wes MacMillan
Yeah, I would sit with them and every day I'm like, just like this, this don't feel right. Like these ain't my people. And going back wasn't an option because that group was gone.
00:37:28
Wes MacMillan
And this was probably like the worst period of my life for like a good, i don't really know how long it was, but at least like about a year, I just like,
00:37:39
Wes MacMillan
I pretty much had no friends.
High School Isolation and Friendship
00:37:41
Wes MacMillan
And I'd be like texting people to hang out on the weekends they would be like, nah. They wouldn't be like, nah, but they'd be like, I'm busy. And they'd fade me over and over again. And I'd just like play fucking Xbox and just feel like a loser.
00:37:58
Wes MacMillan
And a year is a long time to just like, I would go to school, which I didn't like, especially because I had no fucking, like I had school friends, but I, nobody, I wasn't really hanging out with anyone on like the weekends and like school, like school kind of sucks, especially high school, especially when you don't have any like close, close friends.
00:38:21
Wes MacMillan
And, yeah. Yeah.
00:38:27
Wes MacMillan
That was a really hard year.
00:38:32
Wes MacMillan
And in the span of like three years, I went from carefree, confident kid ah just felt like I had nothing.
00:38:47
Wes MacMillan
And yeah. And that's, that was probably like rock bottom for me. I wasn't like doing heroin behind a Denny's.
00:38:58
Wes MacMillan
I just had no fucking friends. And that, yeah, I've said it was hard, but that was very hard on me. But then i had some other kids I played soccer with, Zach and Dom, and like these were my school friends.
00:39:17
Wes MacMillan
And I had, like we were school friends, but we just like wasn't hanging out on the weekend. And I'll be honest, like I would hit up Dom to hang out like every weekend and he'd always be busy.
00:39:31
Wes MacMillan
But, and I guess he just kind of saw me as a school friend. And then i remember, I think it was sophomore year study hall. I had, I had study hall with Zach Rock.
00:39:47
Wes MacMillan
And I will love that kid forever to the moon and back because I had no friends and then me and him locked in and became like best friends.
00:40:01
Wes MacMillan
And yeah, I will forever be grateful for... him and just that experience. And the diet, like me and Zach were already school friends, but like study hall, it was just me and him. So like, we really just became close, started hanging out outside of school with Dom.
00:40:18
Wes MacMillan
And then Dom finally realized that I was a chiller, I guess. And then it was like, I never really had to worry about friends again from then to the end of senior year. Cause like, cause he was my boy, Dom was my boy.
00:40:34
Wes MacMillan
And like, yeah, Zach and Don will come on the podcast at one point, but I had no fucking friends. So getting friends when you have no friends is just about the greatest thing that can happen to you.
00:40:49
Wes MacMillan
So I love you boys. Thank you. I don't even know why I'm telling this story.
00:40:56
Wes MacMillan
I guess I'll just keep going. Why was I telling this story?
00:41:07
Wes MacMillan
Fuck it, I'm just gonna keep going. And then it was time to go to college. I really have no idea. It's time to go to college. And all I knew is like, I just want to go far away.
00:41:20
Wes MacMillan
Like, I just want to see something different. Like I grew up in a town where we pretty much like had one minority at the school and he left. So we had zero. No, that's not true in my grade.
00:41:31
Wes MacMillan
But like we lived in a bubble of just like overprotective parents and where like it was impossible to have fun. not We had our fun, but like you couldn't really do parties.
00:41:42
Wes MacMillan
like There were some, but I went to one cool kid party in high school, and it was like was like kids drinking in a basement. which meant I guess that's all a party is, but like I don't know. I've seen videos of like other high school parties. and'm like, Oh my God, dude, I wish I didn't grow up in this fucking bubble.
00:41:58
Wes MacMillan
So when call time to go to college rolled around, I was like, I just want to see something different. I was like, I want to go somewhere warmer. And I went to, i ended up going to Virginia where it was like maybe five degrees warmer, but I had a, i had a good experience at JMU and I honestly college was a pretty hard time for me too.
00:42:23
Wes MacMillan
but I had fun and maybe that's what life is, but maybe not because I'm, I'm starting to like, the times are less bad these days and there's more, there's less bad days. There's more good days.
00:42:39
Wes MacMillan
The good day to bad day ratio is climbing. And so freshman year and i my parents were pretty And maybe for good reason, because I was a little crazy, but my parents were pretty overprotective and strict in my eyes in high school.
00:42:57
Wes MacMillan
So when I got to college, I just had like, I went from like, I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers to unlimited freedom. Like I chose what I ate. i chose what I drank.
00:43:10
Wes MacMillan
I chose whether or not to do my schoolwork. And that, that was a lot of freedom all at once. And Yeah, freshman year was interesting.
00:43:25
Wes MacMillan
We had a lot of fun. too much fun, too much fun and less like sustainable way of living. But I met one of them my, and this, oh, I was talking about how blessed I am and like friends I've met at different stages of my life.
00:43:39
Wes MacMillan
And my college roommate, Philly Matt, who was the guest on last week, like that's, that's my fucking dog. Like we went from freshman year not knowing each other to like halfway through freshman year, we were like,
00:43:55
Wes MacMillan
so well, socially lubricated, but we were sitting on our floor and like, dude, like, I can't live without you. Like, where are we going to move after college? And he was like, Philly. And I was like, bro, you live in Philly. I'm not going to your city.
00:44:08
Wes MacMillan
And then we were like, all right, let's decide on like a neutral location. We decided on Hawaii. and no, we didn't move there after college, but I like just...
00:44:23
Wes MacMillan
It was literally like, i bro, I can't live without you. Like, I love you. And I'm so grateful to have experienced that. And Philly Matt's still my boy. I'm going to see him on the shore, in the Jersey Shore, and for Memorial Day in like a month.
00:44:38
Wes MacMillan
And I'm grateful to have him in my life on top of Zach and Dom. And also...
00:44:45
Wes MacMillan
I work like end of high school going into college. I worked at Camp Rotary over the summer, which that's, I'm pointing at things in my room if you're listening to audio, but those are both Camp Rotary things. And I was in a group called the SBU where I got another, like some of my best friends that I'll have forever. Like probably Oscar and Jerome are two of my closest friends right now to this day. And we haven't worked together in,
00:45:15
Wes MacMillan
years like those are my boys because just like we like rap music we like philosophy we like comedy and it's just easy hanging around them it's easy having fun with them And yeah, so now I got like Zach, Dom, Philly, Matt, Oscar, Rome, and there's so many more like Brad, so many more camp boys that were like Sam, like dog, like dogs for life.
00:45:46
Wes MacMillan
And that sounds corny, but like,
00:45:52
Wes MacMillan
I guess what I'm trying to say is like, I had no one sophomore year high school. And since then I've had good people in my life And I'm just really thankful for that.
00:46:08
Wes MacMillan
And that's why maybe you kind of, the lows make you appreciate the highs.
00:46:15
Wes MacMillan
Because if i didn't go through that rough patch of having no friends, I might just be like, yeah, I have friends. Everybody has friends.
00:46:25
Wes MacMillan
not true not me sophomore year buddy I had no one and I make jokes about it but it it was very sad and that's another this is kind of a caveat but that a humor I use humor as a fucking like humor my right hand I use humor for everything but and it's good in the sense of like
00:46:50
Wes MacMillan
Humor is what it is when you boil it down. It's like a distraction in a form of avoidance. Like if there's an awkward situation, i crack a joke, everybody's rolling on their ass, dying of laughter. And i'm like, yep, I just solved that.
00:47:06
Wes MacMillan
That happens to me like once a day. I'm like, yeah, this guys, this is just kind of what I do. But I also use humor as like, if we're talking about something I'm uncomfortable with, I'm cracking a joke and then I'm just forgetting about
Humor as Emotional Avoidance
00:47:20
Wes MacMillan
it.
00:47:20
Wes MacMillan
And it's like, I'm talking about, and this is why I'm bringing it up now, but I'm talking about like the worst year of my life. And I can crack a joke and kind of avoid feeling how sad that is.
00:47:32
Wes MacMillan
And It's helpful in the short term, but it is detrimental in the long term. Because when I was feeling sad about just like having no friends for like a whole year of my life.
00:47:46
Wes MacMillan
And I, yeah, I hated my life that year. And, but I just make a joke, forget about it. But here's the thing. When you make a joke and forget about it, that...
00:47:59
Wes MacMillan
that emotion doesn't go away. It builds up inside you. And then when you do that for all your emotions,
00:48:07
Wes MacMillan
then your emotions just build up until you have to like explode. And like, as they build up, you just start to feel worse and worse because you just got so much fucking shit inside you. It's not like feces.
00:48:22
Wes MacMillan
But like all this like sadness, anger, like something happened that pissed me off and people be like, oh, are you mad? I'd be no, dude, I'm chilling. I was pissed. But so all the sadness, all this anger, all this fear that I'm avoiding, it just builds up and it starts to drown me.
00:48:42
Wes MacMillan
And that's why you got to feel your emotions. And feeling your emotions is like you're in a pool. But it's empty.
00:48:53
Wes MacMillan
It's chill. You can skateboard if you want. But like when a little bit of sadness, it's like a little bit of water water pouring in. And it's like, dude, it's at your ankles. Don't worry about it. You don't even have to acknowledge that.
00:49:08
Wes MacMillan
But if you keep not acknowledging, it climbs until you're fucking drowning. And like, as I said, depression is the suppression of expression. Every time you sub suppress an emotion, and one of the ways to do that is like cracking a joke, it just builds until you're drowning.
00:49:28
Wes MacMillan
And then you get to about here and you're like, life sucks. I hate everything. I hate myself. I hate everything. And then When that happens, it bursts and the water drains. Like every time i like have a good cry like even old me wouldn't even admit I cry.
00:49:47
Wes MacMillan
But every once in a while, oh, this was this is actually kind of interesting because i know I know for a fact it happened to one of my friends. um There was years where I could not cry.
00:50:00
Wes MacMillan
Like I would feel it come on and then i would yawn. And it was literally just my body like shutting it down. It's like, we don't do this. We're a man. But nah.
00:50:11
Wes MacMillan
And i I think like this year maybe. Yeah, this year i opened the floodgate. And I've had a couple great cries since then. And I always feel so much better after...
00:50:23
Wes MacMillan
I cry. Fun fact, my favorite thing about myself is like it's very easy to make me laugh when I'm crying. Like I'm still a good time when I'm crying. And
00:50:36
Wes MacMillan
I don't know why that is, but, or I didn't know what why that is. And if you boil it down, it's like
00:50:46
Wes MacMillan
I'm finding peace in the madness. And it's like
00:50:52
Wes MacMillan
i'm
00:50:56
Wes MacMillan
Like I'm easy to cheer up even when I'm at my lowest like and that speaks to like resilience and yeah, my favorite thing about myself is. I've been depressed for like 10 years and I haven't given up.
00:51:08
Wes MacMillan
I'm still fighting. I'm still healing. I'm making the effort to help other people like I'm very proud of that.
00:51:17
Wes MacMillan
But yeah, after I have a good cry, I'll feel just like so much better. And that's just a, it's very easy. Like, I don't think anything better proves my point than that. Like, I'll be like, I hate everything. Like, everything sucks. The politics are a nightmare. We're killing the environment. I'll cry.
00:51:37
Wes MacMillan
And then I'll just be like, ED is what ED is. But dead ass. I'm just like, it ain't that deep. Like, it sort of is, but fuck it. Like, it is what it is. And it's like, I'm not, and don't even have to, like, worry about these things.
00:51:53
Wes MacMillan
And I do have some concern that if that's everyone's mindset, then these things will just get worse. But like I'm i'm done trying to solve the world's problems. I'm in my career as a therapist. I'm going to try to help other people.
00:52:05
Wes MacMillan
Hopefully some other people try to tackle the environment issues.
Self-Improvement and Helping Others
00:52:09
Wes MacMillan
Hopefully we get some better politicians up in this bit. But I'm done like feeling for a while. I was like, I can't be happy while the world is in this this current condition. And I'm fucking done with that, bro.
00:52:23
Wes MacMillan
Done.
00:52:26
Wes MacMillan
i know there's fuck shit going on the in the world. And it's not that I don't care. But that doesn't mean I can't be happy. Like, me being unhappy does not help the situation. So why the hell and I'm a way more of a help to the situation when I'm doing good.
00:52:43
Wes MacMillan
because then I have the ability to help others. It's kind of like, I got to put my own life vest, my life raft on my life vest on before I can help you get yours on. If like, it's a plane going down.
00:52:55
Wes MacMillan
I hope y'all got what that meant. They say when a plane is like going down, you should put on your life preserver or life vest before you help other people. And yeah.
00:53:06
Wes MacMillan
And that's like, i think
00:53:10
Wes MacMillan
I genuinely believe that the best thing you can do to like help other people in your life is become the best version of yourself. Because they're in your life and the people around you have a big impact on you. And like, I've tried to like spit game in the terms of like giving people advice. Nobody wants your advice, bro.
00:53:30
Wes MacMillan
But like, once you actually like apply it yourself, then they're going to be like what you doing? And that's when you can give advice, but unwarranted advice. People are like, bro, you ain't got your shit together. Like I don't take advice from people less successful than me.
00:53:44
Wes MacMillan
Uh,
00:53:47
Wes MacMillan
But yeah, kind of forgot what's going on. Life is weird. But um
00:54:00
Wes MacMillan
where was I?
00:54:08
Wes MacMillan
Yeah, I just got so much to be grateful for on paper. But that's the worst thing about one of the worst things about depression is that It's like I look around and like my life is so much like I in my i have so much to be thankful for and I'm not because I just feel like shit and I have such a hard time enjoying anything.
00:54:30
Wes MacMillan
And it's not like that all the time. But it's like it was like that for a lot of the time for 10 years. And that sucked. And see that's like another joke covering up vulnerability.
00:54:43
Wes MacMillan
And that's that's that's the thing.
00:54:49
Wes MacMillan
and what it takes to be yourself is vulnerability. You have to like risk expressing yourself and risk that other people won't respond well. Because people, not everyone is going to respond well.
00:55:03
Wes MacMillan
And if they don't respond well, then that's fine. Just those ain't your people. Keep doing it. And then when people respond right, that's really like the only way to find your people. And that's something else we talked about on the podcast. Like if you don't have the courage to like show people who you are, then nobody will even know you.
00:55:23
Wes MacMillan
And it's like, yeah, being yourself is scary, but what's even scarier
00:55:30
Wes MacMillan
is no one knowing the real you. And that, I was talking to one of my classmates and she was like, oh, I'm ah i'm afraid to stand up to my boss. Like, she's bossing me around.
00:55:42
Wes MacMillan
But, like, and I should talk to her. But, like, that's scary. You know what's scarier? Like, being stuck in that position forever. That's like a night, like, just being stuck.
00:55:53
Wes MacMillan
Like, that's hell, bro. So, yeah, it might be scary to face up and, like, have a tough tough conversation. But.
00:56:03
Wes MacMillan
Like, you gotta do what you gotta do. And EDs what EDs. Like, if you don't have that conversation, nothing is gonna change. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
00:56:16
Wes MacMillan
Have that fucking conversation. And yeah, it's scary. But like I said, what's there the alternative is scarier.
00:56:30
Wes MacMillan
And yeah, it all comes down to vulnerability. And that's something I do not, I'm not comfortable, like, being vulnerable with people. Especially because I'm a man, and it's just, like, showing, like, emotion as a man just feels so, like, forbidden, and, like, I shouldn't be doing it.
00:56:50
Wes MacMillan
But I'm learning to do it, and it's okay. It's not fun. It's so fucking unfun. It makes me feel like a pussy every time I do it, but... the alternative is a hell of a lot worse, which is being depressed forever and no one ever knowing me. So we're gonna fall.
00:57:09
Wes MacMillan
And yeah. um
00:57:17
Wes MacMillan
Yeah.
00:57:19
Wes MacMillan
And then even, so i got like zach Zach and Dom from high school. i got Philly Math from college. I got Oscar, Rome. Brad from camp. I got like my brother Colin. I got like my parents are supportive as hell. Like I literally was a business major and then at the end of college it's a little more complicated than that but they're like helping they're supporting helping helping support me in grad school.
00:57:47
Wes MacMillan
I'm paying a good, I'm paying all my money and then a lot of money I don't have, but they're helping me and they were supportive and me like change, making a dr drastic change in my life. And I'm so grateful to them for that.
00:58:01
Wes MacMillan
And I got all the people listening to like to the pod. And this is like me expressing myself. And some people are like, yo, I fuck with this. And that means everything to me. And I hope it inspires you to like share, like be yourself and share your light with the world.
00:58:24
Wes MacMillan
Truly.
00:58:26
Wes MacMillan
And I'm not talking about hard seltzers.
00:58:31
Wes MacMillan
And then even over the summer, my boy, like Adam, like I've met such great people in my life that I'll have forever. And I, one of the, one of my best friends in the world, Mikey from college, we went abroad. That's my fucking dog.
00:58:45
Wes MacMillan
Like I got so, and those are just like my guy friends. Like I got so much, so many good people in my life to be thankful for. And like people is the most important thing in this life.
Importance of Connections and Gratitude
00:59:00
Wes MacMillan
And life is weird, man.
00:59:04
Wes MacMillan
But it is what it is.
00:59:10
Wes MacMillan
Thank you for everyone that's listening. Yeah, yeah I guess I'll just kind of wrap up the life story in like a minute or two. But I was at college.
00:59:22
Wes MacMillan
Yeah, decided to become a therapist. So now I'm in grad school. And one of my roommate is like the most positive, optimistic guy that I'm like, I love being around you. And I like, I hope some of you rubs off on me.
00:59:36
Wes MacMillan
ah hope you rub off on me. Not literally, get your mind out the gutter. And that wraps up just about my life story. Besides talking like this whole like, no, that's about it. I've done some therapy and some journaling and some drinking tea and that's about it.
Conclusion: Self-Expression and Healing
00:59:53
Wes MacMillan
But be yourself.
00:59:57
Wes MacMillan
Be yourself. That's it. But um genuinely from the bottom of my heart, if this my heart, this is the bottom. From there, thank you for listening to the pod. I love you.
01:00:08
Wes MacMillan
An hour or two, um there may be a day where I stop doing the pod. I hope it doesn't come, but that day. But today is not that day.
01:00:21
Wes MacMillan
There may be a day when I stop doing the pod, but today is not that day. And I hope I never doing it because it's a form of expression and expression is very important, especially when you have depression.
01:00:34
Wes MacMillan
You feel me? i should there From the bottom of heart, thank you for listening. I love you for listening. um i may do like a Q&A episode soon, but we don't got figure that out right now.
01:00:50
Wes MacMillan
Life is weird, but. I'm glad you're in it. I love you. Thank you for listening. If you're on YouTube, subscribe and thumbs up. If you're on Spotify, rate it five stars. Keep on listening. Turn on post noties. Fucking send me ah some fan mail. All right.
01:01:11
Wes MacMillan
Peace.