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Kids and Tantrums: Preventing tantrums and dealing with tantrums in progress {Episode 18}
134 Plays6 years ago
Temper tantrums. What a fun topic! In this episode Bonnie & Audrey share their tips and tactics for dealing with tantrums in kids. We're not psychological experts, just 2 moms who have dealt with a lot of tantrums!
Audrey recommends:
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan Season 5
Bonnie recommends:
Better than Happy podcast
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Hosts and Episode
00:00:11
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. And we're moms to a combined total of 16 kids with two more on the way. Yes, we know that sounds insane, and it usually is. But we're here to share the tips that help us keep our sanity and to share inspiring thoughts that help us get through each crazy day. Uninterrupted conversation is foreign to us, but we'll try. And we invite you to join us on our journey as we find joy in the chaos of motherhood.
Handling Children's Tantrums: Episode Overview
00:00:47
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 17. Today we're going to tackle a really fun topic, one moms everywhere love to deal with, kids and tantrums. Hooray. Oh, just kidding. But while we're on being humorous, let's go with today's humor segment.
00:01:08
Speaker
So, Bethany, I married Superman on Instagram, sent us the following message. She says, Hey, you two amazing mamas. I'm currently binge listening to your podcast and I'm loving it. Thank you, Bethany. We love you too. Right as I was listening to a words I never thought I'd say as a mother segment, I looked over and saw that one of my two year old twins was picking the other twins nose.
00:01:35
Speaker
And I quickly said, girls, we don't pick other people's noses. And then I heard myself and thought, wow, that's not something I ever thought I would say as a mom. I had to laugh at the irony. I'm glad she wrote that down.
00:01:51
Speaker
Oh, she says, anyway, just had to let you know you're doing a great job and I feel so inspired after listening to each episode. Thank you, Bethany. Oh yeah. That's so wonderful to hear. You guys keep leaving reviews and letting us know that you're listening and that it's helping you out because we love recording this content and are going to keep doing it. And we'd love to hear your responses.
00:02:08
Speaker
Absolutely. Yep.
Personal Experiences with Tantrums
00:02:11
Speaker
Okay. So to a little disclaimer before we start today, we are not child psychologists. Uh, we're going to be talking about temper tantrums and what we do to deal with them. And we're just moms with a lot of experience. So we're not psychologists. We're not experts on this. We just have a lot of experience. We've just seen a lot of tantrums. Yeah.
00:02:33
Speaker
Yeah. And I was just re-listening to our episode number 12 about mothering with intention. And it just reminded me that we really are the best experts for our kids. So we can get out there, we can take the parenting courses and listen to the
00:02:50
Speaker
to the professionals and get as many tools in our tool belt as we can. But at the end of the day, we're the ones that know our kids best and we're gonna learn what the best tactics are for them. And so that's what we're doing today is just sharing some of our tactics, sharing some of what's worked for us, hoping that you can add a few more tools to your tool belt.
00:03:10
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. That was a really good episode. We've noticed, we mentioned this before that what works for one child may not work for another or the other or the one after that. Sometimes it's just a whole slew of different tactics that we have to try with a child before you figure out what works for them. But hopefully this will help you get closer to a solution.
Approach to Tantrums: Key Strategies
00:03:29
Speaker
Okay, so we're going to cover this in four parts. Number one, stopping the tantrums before they start. That's right. And then number two, stopping a tantrum in progress once it's already started. Yes, it is sort of possible. Number three, what not to say and do. That's right. And then finally, what to do after the tantrum because that portion of your behavior and how you respond to your child is probably the most important.
00:03:59
Speaker
Right. Right. Okay. So to start this off, I believe that kids need boundaries and it's healthy for kids. It's good for kids to have boundaries and a kid, a tantrum, I think in my experience is just a kid looking for the boundary like
00:04:16
Speaker
they're out of control and they're looking for the edge. Can I do this? Can I do this? Or is this, you know, have I hit the boundary? Right. As an adult, that doesn't really make a lot of sense to us because we've already, as adults, we've kind of already figured out. We've already done our limit testing and figured out where our boundaries are. But for kids, that's a very real learning experience that they do every single day, both emotionally and physically. They'll climb a tree and go,
00:04:39
Speaker
Can I jump down from this? Oops, ouch, that hurt. Nope, too high. And that's really, really healthy for them. That teaches them all sorts of things. But I recently heard this quote, and I wish I could remember. I'll have to do some research, some digging, but someone said that.
00:04:55
Speaker
A child looking for a boundary is kind of like, and they specifically talked about teenagers in this instance, but I think it applies to all kids. It's like any of us when we get on a roller coaster, right? So we sit in the seat and the big bar thing comes down on us or the five point harness or whatever. And the first thing we do is we pull on it, right?
00:05:13
Speaker
Yeah. So the question is, why are we pulling? Are we hoping that it fails? No. We are ensuring that that feels as secure as humanly possible to keep us safe, right? So kids, even though it's totally subconscious and they don't know that they're doing this, as soon as a boundary is put in place, the first thing they do is push back. Okay, let's see how serious this boundary is. And they're doing that so they know where their safety limits lie.
00:05:37
Speaker
because really the innately they trust you to be the adult and to be able to make those boundaries and keep them safe. But if our boundaries are always waffling and they push back and we're like, oh, okay, well, maybe not, then their whole world is thrown into chaos. So it's really, really important for us to find a boundary we can live with and stick with it.
00:05:56
Speaker
Yeah.
Understanding the Cause of Tantrums
00:05:57
Speaker
Yeah. And so a lot of times a kid having a tantrum doesn't know or can't solve, doesn't know what the problem is or they can't solve the problem on their own and they're, they're looking for help and their tantrum is their way of getting your attention to get your help. Another thing I wanted to say was that mostly in what we're talking about in tantrums, we are talking about
00:06:21
Speaker
Young young children like say oh, I don't know five and under because they're the boundaries, you know They haven't tested all the boundaries yet. They're not established. They don't know where the guidelines are and so like Teenagers don't usually have temper tantrums
00:06:37
Speaker
It's the little ones that are looking for boundaries. Although I do think that sometimes the older kids will push back in their own way. It just might not be, you know, falling on the floor and screaming and yelling. Right. Exactly. It will just be some sassiness or some disobedience or something like that. So it's a really important concept to stick with those boundaries, you know, throughout childhood.
00:06:57
Speaker
I've also noticed that those little ones are often just emotionally overwhelmed. So if they get overtired or they're looking for love or attention, there's just all these big feelings that they don't know how to handle, then that's when a tantrum will start. And they just don't quite yet have these mature tools and the skills they need to stop the tantrum. So they'll feel all these feelings and they'll rage and they'll freak out, even though they don't really know why they're doing it.
00:07:22
Speaker
You know, so part of that childhood process is learning to deal with these really big emotions in these little bodies that they don't know how to handle yet. Right, right. They're out of control and the tantrum is their way of begging you to take control and help them get back into control.
00:07:37
Speaker
Yeah, even though sometimes it looks like the exact opposite, a three-year-old freaking out about, she's going to be the one to pick the kind of underwear she wears that day. And you're thinking, OK, why is this a big deal? But there's often a lot more underlying there than you can foresee. Yeah.
00:07:54
Speaker
Yeah. And being the grownup in this situation can be really difficult, right? Because they're playing on your emotions. You want your child to be happy, but you also don't want a kid to be tearing open candy and screaming in the middle of the store. The important thing is to just stay the adult, right? Yeah. To not play into their drama. And that, like I said, can be very difficult, especially if you're in an emotional place yourself, or if they start pushing your buttons, or it's something that you've talked about over and over and over before. But the important thing is to remain the safe adult in this situation.
00:08:24
Speaker
Right.
Preventive Measures for Tantrums
00:08:25
Speaker
Exactly. You are the safe or the safest person in their life. And so they can express themselves more freely than with others. Like, you know, oftentimes parents, all her parents say, why do my kids not behave like this in school or, you know, when they're at grandma's or whatever? Well, that's not the safe person where they can express themselves.
00:08:42
Speaker
But that being said, you being the safe person in their life, you need to help them find a productive or non-harmful or not tantrum way to communicate with you about the things that are overwhelming them and causing the tantrums. So yes, you might feel like, oh, they're just being a brat to me. But really, you're the safe person and they need your help.
00:09:06
Speaker
Yeah, really if you think about it, it's a privilege to be the one to see their naughtiest behavior. It doesn't feel that way, but it really is because think about it. If your child feels self-conscious at all or unsafe at all and not saying that they're unsafe at school or with grammar or whatever, but
00:09:24
Speaker
that they don't feel 110% accepted and loved the way they are, then they're not gonna allow themselves to completely lose it. Think about when you get emotional and overwhelmed and you need a good cry. Who do you cry in front of? Like basically my husband, that's it. Because he's my safe person, you know? And I know he doesn't judge me and he will be there to support me and help me through whatever the trial is.
00:09:47
Speaker
And that's what your kids doing too. The only hard part is that their tantrum doesn't look like a loving form of acceptance saying, mommy, you're my safe person. It looks like they're raging against you. And so that's really frustrating. You're thinking, what did I do to deserve this? Well, you just loved them.
00:10:05
Speaker
That's what you get. Okay. So moving on to number one, we're going to talk a little bit about stopping the tantrums before they start, because obviously if we can avoid them, that's the easiest course of action. A few things that I thought about that have really helped my children is when I am exceptionally present with them, right? So when I'm not rushing around and super busy, when I have time to
00:10:28
Speaker
get down on their level and make eye contact, they tend to be, I tend to head off tantrums before they start because I can see when things start to get a little out of control or they get overwhelmed. That includes communicating with them if I see them starting to get frustrated about something and making sure that they are getting enough food, proper food and rest. So there's nothing like going on vacation to stir up some tantrums because your kids sleep deprived and they're eating a bunch of garbage and they're totally overwhelmed. They're at Disneyland and there's like all these things to look at.
00:10:57
Speaker
So that's where the tantrums start because they're out of their routine and everything is thrown into into chaos. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, nutrition is really important for us, too. Like you said, when you're on vacation and they're they're routine and they're what they eat or how often they eat or what kind of foods they eat is all out of whack. That's that's pretty important, too. But if I let my kids nutrition slip and whatever that means for you, I know what it means for our family. But I'll definitely see
00:11:27
Speaker
more tantrums or more meltdowns or more crying, more tears just related to me having let their nutrition slip. So it's extra effort to make sure they're getting... I know we talked about this in episode 13 on picky eaters, but we go way more into depth then. But anyway, for my kids, that's an added benefit of good nutrition is that less meltdowns, less temper tantrums. Yeah, for sure.
00:11:56
Speaker
Another time of life that I really watch out for tantrums to stop them before they start are any major life changes. So those are pretty obvious, right? When a new sibling comes along, those older kids are going to need a little extra love and attention or else there's probably going to be some tantrums coming.
00:12:11
Speaker
moving to a new home or new city, new country, starting school, even potty training, anything that throws a wrench in their routine and makes things a little bit unpredictable can cause a tantrum in a child. So to be aware of those
00:12:28
Speaker
and just think, huh, I'm going to make this as easy on my child as possible. For example, we've all heard that it's not a great idea to start potty training right before a new sibling comes. That pretty much is always my struggle because I have my kids almost exactly two years apart. So as soon as the older one is ready to potty train, I'm getting a new baby. It's like, never mind. We'll wait six months.
00:12:47
Speaker
Because two life changes like that would just be way too much for my child and way too much for me. Let's be honest. But to be aware of those and just to think how can we make this transition as easy on this little one as possible and give them a little bit of extra grace that it's going to be tough on them.
00:13:02
Speaker
Okay, one fun thing that we do with our kids is baby sign language. Do you guys do baby sign language? A little bit, yeah. Okay, so one reason that we started getting into baby sign language was that I had done some research and read that
00:13:18
Speaker
It helps prevent those terrible twos. So one, when the person was saying that terrible twos are because a kid's brain and mental activity is way more advanced than their verbal ability to communicate. So for example, they can recognize a hippopotamus, but they can't say the word hippopotamus. And that would be frustrating for them. So it's like having mom brain, but you're only two.
00:13:47
Speaker
So true. Yeah. So then when you give them physically, also they are ahead of what they can verbally communicate. So they can do a baby sign for a hippopotamus and it can easily, you know, be communicated with you. And then they don't have this frustration of trying to communicate things that their little mouths and tongues and throats, all that can't form yet. So that we've had a lot of fun with baby sign language.
00:14:13
Speaker
Yeah, that's really smart. Anything that can increase their communication can help them feel like they're getting their thought across and not just feel so impotent and frustrated.
Effective Tantrum Management Techniques
00:14:22
Speaker
Yeah. Another one that's a big one for preventing tantrums, at least for us, is to make sure each kid is getting quality mom or dad time regularly. And sometimes I'm just overwhelmed. I'm like, I can't possibly take this kid out for a date or something, but I know he needs attention. And so I'll pass that off to dad. And dad will go run an errand with them. And they come back just beaming. And their self-esteem and value has been reaffirmed. And they know that they're important in our space, even if it just means taking them to the hardware store and letting them pick out
00:14:51
Speaker
some snacks or something. And sometimes it's just, honestly, in a perfect world, I would have regular one-on-one time with each of my children every day, but it just doesn't always happen. Usually during school time, that's about all we have. So sometimes it's once or twice a week. Sometimes it's three or four times a month, just depends on how life is working, but we do the best we can and try to head off those tantrums before they happen.
00:15:13
Speaker
Yeah, sure. That was a big tip I had written down too as being present, being there for them to communicate with. Like when my husband and I first started doing date nights, we'd come back and there'd be like this big meltdown and the babysitter or the older sibling that was babysitting it.
00:15:32
Speaker
they would say, they were just fine the whole time you were gone and now you're back and they're having this big meltdown. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So anyway, if you, what, just exactly like what you're saying, being present, being there for them to communicate. So, you know, look them in the eye, get down on their level, let them know you're there for them to try to communicate with.
00:15:52
Speaker
Yeah, especially at those specific times of day that you know that's going to happen. So like when I come back into the house from my office and work time, I know that my kids are going to need a little bit extra time and commitment from me. So I'm not going to walk in the house and immediately get on my phone or immediately start dinner.
00:16:08
Speaker
I'll just sit on the couch for a few minutes and let kids come to me and reconnect and make sure that they know that I'm here for them. Same thing if you work out of the home. Coming home, that's a big deal, which usually happens right at dinnertime, so it's stressful. Or after kids come home from school or anytime that you haven't seen them in a while or they haven't had a chance to talk to you, it's a really important time to reconnect.
00:16:30
Speaker
I also wanted to mention that we need to watch out for that overwhelm and exhaustion before it hits. So we mentioned this a little bit before. If you're at the zoo all day or you're visiting relatives, like we said on vacation, if there's changes to sleep schedule, anything out of the ordinary, chances are good it's going to lead to a tantrum if we're not careful. So we're at the zoo all day. We're going to go ahead and make sure that we get to bed earlier the night before and early that same night. Or make sure we have lots of snacks. Make sure my kid is well hydrated.
00:16:59
Speaker
and do the best we can to keep things from being so overwhelming that they have to freak out. Yeah, yeah. Okay, moving on to number two, stopping tantrums in progress. Is this even possible and what is the right way to react when your kid's having a tantrum? What do you do? Oh, I'm sure it's possible. I'm just still figuring it out. Yeah, different with every kid, right?
00:17:19
Speaker
Yeah. So I've noticed for me and my kids that ignoring the freak out for the most part is often key, but there are some exceptions to this. Sometimes they are looking for more attention, but the trick is to not reward the bad behavior, right? So really only experience and knowledge of each child will help you decide.
00:17:40
Speaker
So for example, I have one little one who when he freaks out, he's doing it for extra attention. But also if I give him attention in that moment, then he uses that as a reward. Right. And so he'll pant room again later. I have another one who has some kind of impulse control issues.
00:17:57
Speaker
in addition to just childhood. And if I don't acknowledge her in that moment, it escalates and escalates and escalates until it is a full blown nightmare. So I have to sit down, take her in my arms and say, what are you trying to say? Like I have to get to the to the core of it right there in the middle of the drama or else it's all over. It just gets worse and worse and worse. So just knowing what child is like that, you know, a kid comes up and interrupts you while you're talking to some children.
00:18:26
Speaker
are very good at learning. No mom's talking, give me five minutes and then you come right back and give them the attention you need. Other ones, not so much you have to address really quickly and then say, okay, now mom's out. It's just an experience thing. And then of course, we'll talk more about this later, but to give them extra attention after the tantrum, especially as soon as they calm down to give them that praise is really, really essential.
00:18:47
Speaker
Right. So one thing I do, I come on one of my kids, just because I've heard the tantrum in progress and they're laying on the floor kicking and screaming. Now this is, this is for under five. What I do is immediately pick them up and like wrap as much of my body as I can around their body. So like physically just get them
00:19:08
Speaker
under control and as much skin to skin contact as I can in that moment, just kind of like connecting physically as well as, you know, with my words, I'm here for you. And then the other thing I do, and again, this isn't for every kid, but quite a few of my kids have blood sugar issues. So the first thing I do is get them a piece of food, a piece of cheese, get them something to eat and get them calmed down and eating like they can't really be screaming and kicking when they're chewing and swallowing.
00:19:37
Speaker
I don't know if it's the food that helps them or the act of eating, but those are the first two things that I do right away. Smart food usually helps me come out of a tantrum too, so that makes sense. Me too. Angry, right? Yeah. And then we mentioned briefly before, we have to be the adult. When the kid is tantruming, our yelling and our freaking out is usually the last thing that is helpful. And I say that as the biggest hypocrite.
00:20:02
Speaker
on the planet sometimes. Sometimes I just cannot see past my own needs, which is get this kid quiet. They're driving me crazy kind of thing. But I'm slowly learning that as I stay calm and rational, the tantrum peters out much, much more quickly. And I like to try to communicate to them what will happen when they're still raging and what will happen when they're done, right? So, I mean, sometimes it's so loud and obnoxious, they can't even hear you.
00:20:28
Speaker
to say, I'm sorry, you're feeling like this. It must be overwhelming. I'm going to sit in my room until you're done. When you're done, I'll come out and give you a hug. You know, sometimes you can physically move them if they're a little bit older, sometimes not, sometimes I have to remove myself. But it's important that they know that they're not going to get anything that they want while they're freaking out, but they might when they're done. So, you know, finish it up.
00:20:50
Speaker
Yeah. So another thing that I will do is, are you familiar with Caesar Milan? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So kind of looking at now, I don't mean this to be demeaning, but it's going to sound like it when I say it, but kind of looking at your child as if they're like the other dogs in the pack and you're the alpha dog.
00:21:11
Speaker
So you like Caesar Milan does with his animals when he's training him, he becomes the alpha dog. So you assert control and let them know that you are the alpha dog. You're the one that's in control. And so they can kind of, I don't know, for some of my kids, it seems to be a relief to know that they're not the one that has to control everything, that there's a bigger, stronger, smarter, whatever adjective they need here, presence there to help them.
Guiding Children Through Emotional Outbursts
00:21:39
Speaker
And so sometimes this does mean that I have to be louder than them. Like, it's time for you to be quiet, you know, if you say that really loud.
00:21:48
Speaker
then they're like, okay, hang on. There's somebody bigger and more alpha than me here and I need to kind of calm down instead of that. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. And I found that for some of my children, that means that I can't, well for most of them actually, that actually goes back to me remaining the adult, right? So if I start freaking out on their level, then they're like, oh, everybody's lost control. It's chaos, you know? But if I remain calm and I'm going,
00:22:16
Speaker
No, you're not going to treat me like that. I'll come back when you're done." Kind of thing. Then it's like, oh, somebody is in charge. And like we said, testing those boundaries, right? They're trying to see what's mom going to do if I freak out. She's going to freak out too. Oh, everybody's freaking out. She's calm. So it must not be that big of a deal.
00:22:34
Speaker
Right? Right. Right. One thing my husband always says to my kids when they're out of control and they're running, he'll say, who's the boss? Who's the boss? And they'll be like, oh, you are dad. And he'll be like, that's right. So if you have a problem, bring it to me because I'm the fixer guy. I'm the dad. I can fix this for you. And kind of getting their mind reset.
00:22:56
Speaker
Hey guys, look, the boss will handle this. I love that. Yeah. And it validates their trust in you and reminds them that they're not alone navigating this world. They have mom and dad to help them out. Yeah. I love that.
00:23:07
Speaker
I also like to try to remind myself again, this is very difficult for me to ignore others responses to my child's tantrums. Okay. Oh yeah, that's hard. We've all been in the grocery store and your kid is tired and you're trying to finish shopping and you have a cart full of frozen stuff and they start freaking out and screaming and everyone can hear and you're just beat faced like, how can I get out of here fast enough?
00:23:32
Speaker
Yeah. In the checkout line, yeah, you can't get away. You can't just walk away. All the candy, by the way, the markers that put the candy to cash registers deserve to burn a fiery death.
00:23:43
Speaker
you notice. But what I mean is, you know, and then you'll have that super helpful grandma behind you that says something like, Oh, in my day, that would not be tolerated or sounds like somebody needs a spank kind of thing. And it's like, okay, well, thanks for your unsolicited parenting advice.
00:24:05
Speaker
time that I realized how damaging this was for me and my child's relationship was one of my older kids. When he was little, he did not do well to being disciplined in the moment. I had to totally ignore the tantrum. And then when he was calm, I would say, we would talk it out and we would talk about consequences. And he did really, really well like that. But if I fed into the tantrum or responded to it at all, it just escalated.
00:24:27
Speaker
So, the problem was when I was in public, I felt pressured to do something right then, right? Some grandma's looking at me or some dad is rolling his eyes and I felt like I needed to say something and every time I did, it escalated. And one day I was thinking, what's wrong with me? Why don't I ever learn my lesson and realize my child does better when I ignore the tantrum and we address it later.
00:24:48
Speaker
stop feeling pressured by the guy at Costco to lecture your kid, especially in public. It's not going to work out. And maybe for another child that's different, but it was a good lesson to me to just let go of my own image a little bit in order to better benefit my child. Right. That totally reminds me with one of my kids, I could say if they're having a tantrum, everyone is looking at you and that would immediately stop the tantrum because they hated people's attention.
00:25:16
Speaker
But for another one of my kids, if I said everybody's looking at you, woo, it'd get louder. That's the drama queen of the family, huh?
00:25:26
Speaker
Okay. So another thing I like to do is use specific language instead of ambiguous language. I find the word okay to be really ambiguous. And when you say okay, what you're doing is asking the kid, do you agree? Are you agreeing to this? What I'm, what I'm saying to you. But if you say, do you understand the kid can say yes to that without necessarily agreeing to that. Does that make sense? Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah.
00:25:53
Speaker
Yeah, so I like to be very specific in the language that I use and actually I kind of avoid the word okay or the question okay because it's I think it's confusing to a child like they can understand what you're saying to them like if you say it's time for you to stop yelling do you understand they can understand they can say yes to that but if you say it's time for you to stop yelling okay
00:26:15
Speaker
Well, maybe they don't agree to that. Gotcha. Yeah. And saying, do you understand reaffirms that, that you are the adult and they're the child. This is what's going to happen. Do you understand what's going to happen? Yes or no. Saying, okay, it makes it sound like you're kind of wishy washy on what's going to happen. Well, one doesn't even know. I don't know if I'm okay with that. Yeah. And I know that
00:26:40
Speaker
This is another difficult part for me, but I try to let my children know that I struggle with the same kind of emotional issues and that I want to throw tantrums to sometimes. This is something I've been working on a lot is to, while I am the adult and I try to remain calm, especially for my slightly older kids to teach them that we all have times when we want to freak out.
00:27:00
Speaker
So I'll say, did you know sometimes I want to get really angry and throw a tantrum too? And sometimes I do. And sometimes I'll yell. And then I'll try to come back and say, I apologize for yelling. That was wrong. Let me tell you why that happened. I was frustrated with this. I was overwhelmed with this. And my feelings got hurt. And so I yelled. That was wrong. How could I have better dealt with that? To talk them through that and make them realize that overwhelming emotions are something we're going to deal with our whole lives. But hopefully we'll be getting more tools as we grow up to better handle them.
00:27:31
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like it's very, very helpful to a child to be honest about your own feelings and to let them know that, you know, you have feelings too. And you know, if, if this tantrum is hurting your ears or causing you to be frustrated also, I think that that should be shared because then they open up and they realize that this tantrum is bigger. Life is bigger than just being about them.
00:27:57
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And then as your kids get older, you can teach them more empathy by saying, you know what, when you said that to me, that really hurt my feelings. I'm doing the best I can to be a good mom to you and this is what I'm working on. Can you work on being better in that regard as well? And we can treat each other more respectfully. Something that was a struggle for me growing up was it was probably, I was probably in my mid twenties before I really grasped the fact that my parents were just normal human beings.
00:28:24
Speaker
They weren't experts in anything and they were just trying. Not perfect. Yeah. And I want my kids to learn that way earlier. Yeah, exactly. Maybe they'll have more grace with me if they learn that really early that I am not perfect. But I yell a lot, so I'm sure they'll figure that out. Yeah, I think my kids have pretty much figured out I'm not perfect.
Actions to Avoid During Tantrums
00:28:42
Speaker
Okay, so that's going to move us on to number three, which is what not to say or do in the middle of a tantrum. And this is specifically to your children.
00:28:50
Speaker
Somebody else's children, we already addressed that. Don't be that grandma in the grocery store, right? Right. So what not to say is do when your child is having a tantrum. Okay. So again, for a child younger than five, I don't think that ignoring them is healthy for them because like we were saying at the beginning, I think when a child is having a tantrum, they're begging for help. So you wouldn't ignore a child if they were coming up to you and saying, please help me, please help me. I really need help with this. So a tantrum is,
00:29:19
Speaker
I know it's hard to see, but sometimes it's the same thing. They're begging for help. So for me and my kids, it works best not to ignore them when they're having a child and to do some of those other things that we talked about.
00:29:30
Speaker
Yeah. And like I mentioned before, I have noticed that some kids do really, really well when I respond immediately to their needs that they're talking about right then. And for others, I have to just calmly say, calmly remove them from the situation and say, I am so sorry you're having a hard time. Let's figure this out as soon as you've calmed down a little bit. But again, totally depend on the age and the personality of the child. Right.
00:29:52
Speaker
The other thing that I wanted to mention about what not to say or do when a child is tantruming is to not make threats that you can't or won't follow through with. So my mother-in-law jokes about this because someone she knew once said, if you don't stop throwing a fit, we will never come here again in this grandma's house or something. She's like, well, that's probably not true. It's really easy to throw out these threats in the heat of the moment and say, I will take away all your toys.
00:30:22
Speaker
Really? You really want to do that? It's much better. Sometimes I think things through ahead of time. I like to have a set amount of things, a set three or four consequences that I give the little kids versus the big kids and come up with them ahead of time. So for my big kids, when they're
00:30:38
Speaker
freaking out or disobeying, it's usually an extra job. So I don't have to come up with a job at that time, but I just say, if this is your last morning, if you talk like that again, you're gonna earn an extra job. And that's really easy instead of, I will take your room away and your clothes away and you will never see friends again. You are gonna sleep in the basement. I know how many times have I given a consequence and then later I'm happy to enforce it and I'm like, damn, why did I say this? No consequences that make your life harder.
00:31:08
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So another thing that I don't think that it's healthy for to do or say to a kid when they're having a tantrum is to use a soft and I guess I really mean fake voice and be dishonest and hide your own emotions because I think true kids are truth detectors like they see right through that so fast and they know that you're not being honest. And so if you're
00:31:35
Speaker
If you pick them up when they're having a temper tantrum, laying on the floor, kicking and screaming and say, it's okay, sweetie. Everything's going to be okay. I don't feel like that's going to be very helpful to my children. Okay. So what do you say instead?
00:31:51
Speaker
Um, I tell them, I tell them things that I want to do. Uh, I want them to do like it's time to stop yelling. So give them a specific job. It's time to stop yelling or you're going to hurt your feet by kicking them on the floor like that, or take this bite of cheese and eat it. Like give them just one, one line, one line things for them to do to focus on instead of the whole world, like swirling around them in chaos. And mom says it's going to be okay, but doesn't give them any.
00:32:19
Speaker
anything concrete to do. So I find like giving them a little concrete thing to do. It's take a breath, you know, take a breath or take a bite of cheese or yeah. Yeah. So you're focused on the solutions instead of on the coddling through the tantrum, basically.
00:32:36
Speaker
Right exactly and not like at that moment to get them to get the tantrum to stop. I'm not focused on Avoiding the tantrum next time we're talking about why the tantrum is going on in that moment. I'm just focused on Getting the tantrum to stop so if that means taking a breath or taking a bite of cheese or
00:32:57
Speaker
stop kicking your feet because you're going to hurt them or just a little task that they can do. So, you know, when I feel like the world is overwhelming me and out of control and swirling around, if I just have one little tiny thing that I can focus on and do, it's a lot more helpful than
00:33:12
Speaker
knowing that everything's going to be okay in the end. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. Right. Because it's not okay right now. You know, and that brings up an important point. A lot of us want to focus on the solution and on the prevention in the middle of it, right? We're like, are you so done with these tantrums? Like, you know, help me if you do this again, you know, but really kids cannot, they can't use that higher brain when they're tantruming.
00:33:34
Speaker
You have to get them out of that crisis mode before they can think, before they can connect, cause and effect to focus on the immediate solution of stopping that tantrum so that they can then use that higher brain function to prevent it in the future.
00:33:49
Speaker
Right, exactly. I think that's what I was trying to get to when I was using the analogy of Cesar Millan working with his dogs. They really kind of do devolve at that point into a lower creature when they're having a tantrum, and they need you to help them come back to human status, really. Well, and the same thing happens with adults, honestly. The other day, I shared an example on my Instagram stories.
00:34:13
Speaker
I had just come back from being out of town. I was tired. I was pregnant. My kids, I had a plan to make cookies for somebody and I had these special ingredients waiting for them. My kids ate it all and I just freaked.
00:34:28
Speaker
And in the moment I'm thinking, what is wrong with me? This is not that big of a deal. Like they ate some of this candy, like big whoop, right? They're kids. And I just couldn't stop. I couldn't stop yelling and freaking out and holding my eyes. And like you said, I just felt like a Neanderthal in the moment. Like I just let my emotions totally take control because I was tired and had all of these other things weighing on me. And later on,
00:34:52
Speaker
to be able to go back and say, did you guys notice that I made some mistakes today? I freaked out. I couldn't stop yelling. I was really, really frustrated. I apologize for that. But to let them know that, yeah, in that heat of the moment, there is no logic. And even my husband looked at me and was like, what's wrong with you? And I said, I don't know. Just frustrated.
00:35:12
Speaker
So, moving on to another thing to not say during a tantrum is to not belittle our kids or call them names. You know, sometimes you get frustrated and think, why are you such a baby? Why are you crying about everything? That's not helpful. Again, going back to being the adult in the situation to just be their safe place to validate their feelings. Again, usually we have to wait till the tantrum is done for this.
00:35:33
Speaker
But then remind them that you'll be there when it's done and you can talk some more about it. Sometimes I'll say something like, wow, it looks like you're really frustrated. Sit here on the couch. I'll be over here when you're ready to come cuddle me. Come on over. I don't want to get kicked in the face, so I'll wait till then.
00:35:52
Speaker
Oh, and then this one, my last one's kind of an obvious one, but you don't want to treat them the same way you would treat an adult having a tantrum or a meltdown because they're just a little kid and they're just begging for help. How would we treat an adult having a tantrum? I don't know. Adults don't have very many tantrums. Some more than others, yeah.
Post-Tantrum Care and Future Prevention
00:36:11
Speaker
Just keep in mind they're a little kid and they need your help. Okay, moving on to number four, after the tantrum.
00:36:18
Speaker
What do we do? Yeah. Okay. So the first thing that we talked a little bit about already is to give them more attention, more love, more acceptance. So as long as that love and acceptance is separated from the tantrum, they won't connect the two. So if you are giving them lots of attention while they're freaking out, they're thinking, yes, next time I need attention, I'm going to freak out. But if you wait until they calm down and then immediately come back and say,
00:36:43
Speaker
Proud of you how you handled that. Way to calm down. Way to stop throwing your shoes. Way to find any positive aspect of the situation and praise them on it. And tell them that you understand those big feelings are hard. I know your brother stole your toy and that was really frustrating. Thanks for calming down. What should we do next time he does that?
00:37:01
Speaker
Yes, exactly. That's what we do. We talk about using their words or language to communicate instead of using, instead of screaming or using their fists or their heels or whatever to use that to communicate, use their words and language to communicate in the future. Next time you're feeling frustrated. Right. Give them extra tools to try out. Yeah.
00:37:25
Speaker
I like to also create success strategies, basically the same thing that we're talking about for in the future. So I'll try to notice if this child throws tantrums because mom is busy, then maybe I need to restructure my time, my busy time, right? So for example, I'll create a time limit for how long they have to wait before I'll come and get them. For example, my work time is usually one to three every day. So they know that between one and three, if they have a problem, they're gonna have to either figure it out
00:37:55
Speaker
or tell a sibling or wait until three. Sometimes I have one child who has a really hard time waiting to talk to me when I'm talking to an adult. So I'll tell her, and some of the other kids are better at this so they can wait longer. But for this specific child, I'll say, as soon as I finish my sentence, I'll address you to try to teach her a little bit about waiting and taking turns, but not make her wait so long that she just gets frustrated and thinks I'm never going to come back for her.
00:38:22
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then we like to outline boundaries of what is not okay in the future. It's okay to give them those boundaries. It is not okay to throw yourself on the floor and kick and scream that that is not acceptable behavior. But you can say, I'm feeling frustrated. Can you please help me? And that's much more acceptable boundaries of behavior. Yeah.
00:38:43
Speaker
And sometimes I've found that for some of my kids, this has to be a physical outlet. So I'll say, if you are feeling frustrated, you can go outside and kick a ball against the wall, or you can go scream in your pillow if you want, but you can't hit and you can't kick me in the face. And you know, tell them exactly what is appropriate and what isn't, especially for little boys. I feel like sometimes they just have to go get their physicality out somewhere and it's better than, you know, just about anything's better than a fist in somebody's face. Yeah, exactly.
00:39:10
Speaker
Yup. Little boys, I'll have my boys when I see them coming near to a temper tantrum or, you know, getting, getting more and more worked up. We'll say, okay, go outside, run around the house five times and then come back in and we'll talk about it. Smart, smart. Burn off some of that steam first.
00:39:24
Speaker
Yeah. Okay, so Bonnie and I have some recommendations of stuff that we've talked about.
Additional Resources and Closing Reassurance
00:39:30
Speaker
I have a baby sign language book that I recommend. And then using language like do you understand instead of okay was something I picked up from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. So we'll link that book. And then some Susan Millon videos. So if you have some little ankle biters at home, you can
00:39:51
Speaker
Okay, so one of my recommendations is the Better Than Happy podcast. I don't know if I've shared that here before, but it's one of my favorites. It's perfect for parents because it helps us get to the root cause of our behaviors. First, figure out what thoughts are causing the feelings, what feelings are causing the actions, and to start with us so that we can then be healthier parents for our kids. I also really like the Positive Parenting Movement. There's an online course, which we'll link to.
00:40:19
Speaker
And some awesome resources there. Real Love and Parenting is a book that I really, really enjoyed. Just a heads up. Sometimes it causes a little bit of guilt at the beginning because he basically, none of us know how to truly love our kids, but we can learn. So that's really helpful. And then Parenting with Love and Logic is such a popular book for good reason. There's some great, great tips in there.
00:40:41
Speaker
Okay, that's it for this week. We hope we gave you some strategies that you can use next time, well, hopefully to prevent a future tantrum. And if you are in the midst of that next tantrum, maybe some of the stuff we've talked about will pop into your mind. That's right. And the important thing to remember is you are not alone. For every tantrum you have in the grocery store, there's 300,000 other women doing the same thing for hanging in their mom's. Yeah, that's right.
00:41:09
Speaker
Thanks so much for listening to Outnumbered the Podcast. You can contact us at outnumberedthepodcastatgmail.com and find us on Instagram at outnumberedthepodcast. We're so grateful for our listeners and would love it if you'd take the time to leave us an honest review on iTunes, Stitcher, or any other podcast platform. And don't forget to share the podcast with your mom friends. Can't wait to talk next time. Bye.
00:41:39
Speaker
sit here together until you hang on a second.