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Why Are Kids So Loud? {Episode 236}
412 Plays1 year ago
Do your kids make a lot of noise? Is all the noise driving you crazy? Don't worry, it's normal for kids to be loud, and in this episode we're sharing a bunch of strategies we use to be able to handle loud kids.
Mentioned in this episode:
Episode 88 - The Importance of Outdoor Time
Episode 199 - Sensory Processing
About Outnumbered the Podcast:
Two moms, parenting a combined total of 19 kids and finding joy in the chaos.
Join Audrey and Bonnie as they share real parenting tips for real people through humor, advice and compassion.
Whether it's tackling how to teach kids to work or discussing where to turn when you're all out of patience, these two experienced moms are here to offer authentic tips for raising children joyfully.
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Transcript
Why Are Children Naturally Loud?
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to Outnumbered the Podcast. You are listening to episode 236, why are kids so loud? If you have had kids for more than about five seconds, even just infants, you know that kids come with their own soundtrack and very often it is many, many decibels higher than ours. So if you've ever wondered why your kids are so annoying or so loud and how you can get them to be quieter, today's episode is for you. We're going to be talking about how to allow the loudness that they need to get out of them, how to find more quiet for you and what to do in the meantime. So let's do it.
Perspectives from Experienced Moms
00:00:35
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey.
Surprised by Noise Levels? How to Cope
00:01:01
Speaker
Hey there, friends. Welcome back to an episode about something every mother and father experiences in their lifetime, and that is loud children. Oh, man. Sometimes it's such beautiful cacophony, and sometimes you want to plug your ears and just scream, everybody shut up.
00:01:17
Speaker
So we have mentioned, I think in a previous episode about what our largest surprise was, the biggest surprise when having a large family. And I think we both agreed that it was the noise level. We just did not anticipate this level of noise. So we're going to talk about that today and how to escape from it a little bit. It's almost like they're competing to be heard. Weird. Is it? Yeah.
Humor in Parenting: A Child's Reaction to a Parasite Cleanse
00:01:44
Speaker
Oh, I have kind of a funny mom moment, but also kind of gross. So apologies in advance. Bring it. Yeah. Okay. So we're currently doing a parasite cleanse. And if you want to know why to do a parasite cleanse, um, go listen to our episode. We have one on that. We'll link it in the show notes. It's a really good one. You'll be grossed out. And at the same time, you'll immediately go do a parasite cleanse.
00:02:05
Speaker
So we're doing a parasite cleanse and my four-year-old, so you take the one that we're doing, you take a pill and then you wait 30 minutes before you eat. So we take it first thing when we get up in the morning. And my four-year-old is the kind of kid that wakes up hungry. Like even before he opens his eyes, he's talking about what he wants for breakfast. Like sometimes he'll come out of sleep and he'll be saying like, French toast with peaches.
00:02:38
Speaker
So we're doing this parasite cleanse. Yes, I'm delaying on the gross part, but we're doing this parasite cleanse when he wakes up and we give him his pill and we're like, okay, that's be 30 minutes. You know, just, let's just go, you know, do some animal chores outside. And they come in from chores and, um,
00:02:54
Speaker
One of his brothers tells me, it was so gross. He was picking his nose and eating it. It was so disgusting. And so I took my four-year-old aside and I said, honey, remember we don't pick our nose and eat it. That's really gross. And he goes, but you said I had to wait 30 minutes and I was so hungry I had to eat something. So gross. And I was like, and that's why we're doing the parasite puns because you eat your burgers.
00:03:24
Speaker
That is so gross. I'm such a typical four-year-old thing to do, right? Like, what can I do? Sick. I know. Mom's not feeding me while I got this resource here. Nothing if not resourceful. I love it. Oh my goodness. Children, right? And sometimes you just cannot love them more. They're just so stinking adorable. And other times you think, if I don't get five seconds of peace and quiet, I'm going to lose my ever loving mind.
Sensitivity to Noise: Check Out Our Episode on Sensory Processing Disorder
00:03:50
Speaker
So if you, let's just say right up front, if you often find yourself struggling with this, with the noise and the stimulus, please go check out our episode on sensory processing disorder. We already talked in depth about that and about how to take care of yourself, especially if you have more than one or two children and the noise is just exponentially amplified with each child. You really want to take care of yourself and acknowledge when your nervous system has had too much. So we'll link that in the show notes too.
00:04:15
Speaker
Yes, definitely check that one out. I am the one on this episode who has a sensory processing issues. So in that episode, I am sharing all the tools that I really do use every day to deal with this stuff. But I have often heard myself saying a woman who has as many sensory sensitivities to loudness as I do should never have had nine children.
00:04:41
Speaker
Oops, too late. Oops. I already did. So in this episode, we're going to talk to you guys about coping strategies.
Managing Loudness: Coping Strategies for Parents
00:04:50
Speaker
If you have kids, they will be loud at some point or another, even the quiet ones will be loud. And today we're going to talk about coping strategies. So we're looking forward to sharing some of the things that we do to get a little quiet in our life.
00:05:02
Speaker
Yeah, that's right. That's right. First, we wanted to talk about an important distinction, and that distinction is between kids who are actually misbehaving versus when they're just acting like kids, just behaving like normal, rambunctious kids.
00:05:17
Speaker
that might be clear for you right now or it might not be. I remember entering parenthood and somebody saying that to me and me thinking, oh yeah, there are a lot of typical kid behaviors that I find very annoying and I want to discipline for that and I want to get on a kid's case for that, but it is very normal kid behavior and it's important to draw the line between those two.
00:05:39
Speaker
Yes. I've even heard myself saying, stop acting like kids. Oh, okay. Carry on. So, but if you're not super used to kid behavior, like you didn't have all the siblings growing up or, um, you didn't work at a daycare or kindergarten or, you know, whatever, not a lot of time around kids, you might mistake this for bad behavior, but it's not really bad behavior. It's just kid behavior. And so we have to remember that kids are supposed to act like kids. And so when they act like kids, then they're just being normal.
00:06:08
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. So let's give you a couple examples so you know what we're talking about here. Kid behavior looks like anything that would be probably inappropriate for an adult to do, but it's not necessarily bad, right? Like running, jumping, playing loudly, roughhousing, wrestling, teasing each other, making huge messes, singing or chanting or banging on something. So just immature behavior where they cannot control their bodies and their need to move or be loud.
00:06:35
Speaker
All right, so this doesn't mean we don't have to have limits on what they do. Let me back up a second. I also wanted to say that if you have boys, they're going to be louder than girls in general, and that's just a fact. I know some fellow mothers who thought they just were such successful parents with their girls, and they were so quiet and well-mannered, and then they had some boys. Not that girls can't be loud, but boys just have this extra testosterone push behind their noise.
00:07:04
Speaker
Yeah, and I will say as a mom who has only had teenage boys, now I'm on my first teenage girl, teenage boys and girls are very different. I'm going, oh shoot, I only know how to do the boys. This is a very different ball game. So yeah, just acknowledge that that is normal and they need to get it out.
00:07:22
Speaker
Okay, so loud behavior doesn't mean we don't have to have limits on these behaviors. We definitely absolutely can have rules. No jumping on furniture,
Setting Rules and Boundaries for Noise
00:07:29
Speaker
we have trampoline, go jump outside, right? We have quiet time. Some of the phrases that I use a lot with my kids are like, you guys could whisper and I could still hear you. You're standing close enough to me that if you were whispering, I could hear you right now. So you don't have to yell like I'm right here. Just to bring that awareness to them. And then another thing I say,
00:07:50
Speaker
This one is one that gets me a lot is when I have multiple kids loudly demanding my attention. I say, guys, I have two ears, but unfortunately I can only listen to one person at a time. So you were talking first, you go ahead first, and then we'll move on to the others because like we just set in some rules in place to kind of, um, help them realize that large families are allowed and they need to help out too.
00:08:17
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. Two ears, but only one brain, right? My brain could only focus on one thing at a time. Yeah, and just as a side note, you'll know when it's changed from kid behavior to bad behavior if they start harming themselves, property, or other people, right? So maybe rolling around in rough housing is a normal kid behavior, but someone starts crying, that's behavior where you need to intervene, right? Or maybe coloring on a book is normal kid behavior,
00:08:43
Speaker
But taking the pen to the couch is something that needs to be stopped. Obviously, you know where your limits are, but just beware of disciplining for every little kid behavior because that's not realistic. They do need to be kids.
00:08:57
Speaker
And then again, if you find yourself getting regularly annoyed by these just typical kid behaviors, unfortunately, it might be a little bit more of a you problem. Something where you need to check in with yourself. Check your own expectations. Do you know what is reasonable for a child of four or five, six, seven, eight, right? Do you know what is expected and what they can be
00:09:16
Speaker
Called upon to actually endure right like when I go to church and my four-year-old is a psycho and makes me crazy every week I think it's not normal for a four-year-old boy to sit for an it's not normal for most people to sit for an hour Sometimes it's difficult for kids. It's okay that he's wild. It's okay that he wants to run out a hundred times and get a drink That's normal, right?
00:09:37
Speaker
And then also make sure you're checking your own self care. So when I start to lose control with typical kid behaviors is because I'm not caring for myself, I'm low on sleep, I'm low on food, or I have kind of a messed up nervous system or I haven't been caring for myself and I can't, I don't have the tools to take care of these kind of wild behaviors.
00:09:56
Speaker
That is
Understanding Personal Noise Tolerance and Self-Care
00:09:57
Speaker
such a great segue into our second tip for you. And that's just acknowledge your humanity and how much noise you can regularly take. I know I have a lower noise threshold than my husband, than a lot of other moms. I know it's because of my sensory stuff. And I also know that I need to take care of myself and my sensory
00:10:18
Speaker
issues, needs, um, and I talk about it in that episode, all the things that I do to help out so that my noise threshold goes up a little bit, but just acknowledge how much you can regularly take. And it doesn't matter how much or how little you can take. It really only matters that you are aware of how much, like where your, where your breaking point is and that you know how to deal with that.
00:10:41
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. It can be totally different from your neighbors, but just be really, really intimately familiar with where yours is so that you can take care of yourself before you get there. So I personally have learned that I need at minimum a couple hours of relative quiet every afternoon. That's when I do my work time and at least one hour of quiet before I put myself to bed. So when little ones are in bed, teenagers often stay up, but they know how to be quiet. And so I require that there's that wind down time for me in my brain.
00:11:09
Speaker
Now, of course, this is challenging to do with a large family and especially homeschoolers who work all together all the time, right? But that looks like whatever I need it to to get that quiet time, right? So for example, if they are just being extra loud that day, kids are banging on the piano and I've kind of lost control of my own faculties and of the situation, that might be the day that I go to the library or I go outside for a walk until I can control myself enough to come back and gain some order in the household, right?
00:11:38
Speaker
It also means that sometimes I go to bed too late because I haven't been guarding that time, that quiet time before bed. And so I let kids stay up too late or I let teens talk to me too late. And then, you know, the result is that I lack sleep because I need that wind down time beforehand. So just pay attention to what your kind of minimum baseline is and then work from there to make sure that you get that. Yes, such good tips. I think that's like the, in general, that's like the mom's biggest
00:12:07
Speaker
Problem.
Creating Quiet Moments for Self-Care
00:12:08
Speaker
Fault. Moms, it's staying up too late to like.
00:12:10
Speaker
get our time in, like we put ourselves last and then we squeeze it in at the end. And then really we're just kind of doing, it's detriment to us and our kids and all that. Okay. So some places where I grab a little bit of quiet when we're in the school year, um, I send my kids out for recess and I don't go out with them. They can manage on their own for recess by themselves. And then I can have a little peace and quiet during that time. I go for a walk when they're inside or when they're, you know, doing whatever. Um, oftentimes on Sunday afternoons they play games and I,
00:12:40
Speaker
love to play games with them but sometimes I'm just done for the week with noise or I want to get the week started off right on a quiet note and I'll go for a walk during that time where they're having a great time playing their game or I'll go sew or I'll go do something that kind of fills up my cup not gets me closer to the edge.
00:12:58
Speaker
When my kids were young enough to take naps, definitely I timed their naps together so that there could be quiet for that amount of time while they were sleeping. Even if it's only 45 minutes, that's a long stretch of quietness for a mom.
00:13:14
Speaker
And then something you can do with a tiny baby, a very young baby is if, and they're yelling or they're having a temper, and like you've solved all that, you know, food, shelter, clothing, needs, and it's just kind of whatever discontent. Something that you can do is whisper in a baby's ear. I often do this in public.
00:13:34
Speaker
As you whisper in a baby's ear and they have to quiet down to hear what you're saying. You can do it to a noisy toddler as well. And you use that trick especially in public because they have to quiet down to be able to hear you and they want to hear you. And then finally my last tip is if we're in a car, which is kind of when I especially get overloaded in a sensory manner because you know it's the movement and the lights and all that and then all the noise. Nobody can get away from anybody else.
00:14:01
Speaker
Oftentimes I'll say, quiet, contest, ready, set, go. And even if it only gets you 30 seconds, at least it's like you can take a deep breath in 30 seconds and then move on. So those are some of my trip tips for you on getting a moment to a 30 minutes of quiet.
00:14:20
Speaker
I love it. I wouldn't say that I personally have sensory issues, but if you have 10 children home all the time every day, you will get to a point where you have sensory issues. In fact, I've noticed that... Did I talk about this in a previous episode? I can't remember now.
00:14:35
Speaker
that very often it's not uncommon for me after dinner when I'm sitting there talking to my husband and then all the kids come back like, oh dad, this, you know, and it's been overload during dinner prep and dinnertime and after dinner and that I will just put my head down, plug my ears and close my eyes just for
00:14:52
Speaker
for like three minutes. The other day I was like, what is wrong with me? Have I lost it? Like, oh no, this is just my recentering time before I go tackle bedtime because it's so loud in here and I just can't handle it, right? So I will also give a pro tip too. While I am not a fan of putting in
00:15:10
Speaker
earbuds and ignoring your children for long periods of time. If you get to this point and you cannot escape, noise canceling headphones are really beneficial. And sometimes you can just put them in for a few minutes and say, I'm going to the bathroom right now. And you go sit down for three to five minutes with your headphones in. That can just kind of bring you back to center, allow you some peace and quiet to remember that you do love these children. You want to go take care of them even when they're screaming at you.
00:15:35
Speaker
So, at this point, we just want to ask you, do you know how or when your quiet needs are not getting met? You probably do. You may just not have asked yourself if you do or not, okay? So, for me personally, it looks like getting angry with my kids, getting irritated, like I mentioned, at those typical kid behaviors.
00:15:52
Speaker
I can't focus on things. Maybe I'll try to read a book or an email or something and my mind's going all over the place. I will fall into what we call buffering behaviors or escapist behaviors, right? Scrolling on Instagram, whatever. I guess I don't watch TV when my kids are around, but just anything that distracts me. Or if you find yourself wanting to get away constantly, gosh, is there an errand I can run? Gosh, is there any way I can escape? That looks like being tapped out in a nervous system that's overloaded.
00:16:19
Speaker
So how, so what do you, how can you tell when you're loud and quiet times are balanced?
Importance of Self-Care in Parenting
00:16:25
Speaker
Like you're getting enough quiet time and you're not getting tapped out. Well, for me, I'm more patient with my kids. I talk in a louder voice. I find when my kids are getting loud, sometimes I get loud. Often I get loud just to be heard over them, but to kind of bring, bring like kind of alpha dog, like everybody be quiet. I am actually the one in control here and you guys need to be quiet.
00:16:47
Speaker
or quiet down. But I also find myself breathing deeper when my loud and quiet times are well balanced. Like I find when I kind of am getting close to being overloaded sensory, I get this into the shallow breathing mode.
00:17:03
Speaker
So then I find, you know, like my breathing is normal. Um, I feel good about my body. Like I, I am not like hungry or on the edge or, you know, like, Oh, I just feel terrible. Like it kind of seems like for me, when one thing gets out of control, like the loud and quiet timer balance, then like everything just starts diving down the hole of, Oh, what is the roses rose? What did she call it? Her well of in the comic, you know, her,
00:17:29
Speaker
her dungeon of resentment or something. She goes way down in this dungeon. Her cute husband and son are always trying to get her back up out of the way.
00:17:37
Speaker
But it's a little cute way to put that, like, when one thing goes, everything else starts to go too. So it's really important to try to get yourself balanced in where you can. And it's just so easy when... See, the thing here is that we're not in control of the volume of our kids' mouths, throats, voices, right? We can try to influence it and have certain rules and send them outside and that kind of thing.
00:18:03
Speaker
We can really only control ourselves. So we have to make sure that we're taking good enough care of ourselves that we can manage those things that we can't control, like their loud voices. Yes, I love how you phrase that, that we have to control the things that we can control because there are plenty in motherhood that we cannot.
00:18:21
Speaker
Um, and it is up to us. I remind myself of this all the time. My job is me. My number one job is me. That means making sure I am taken care of. I am well rested. I am the mother I need to be for all these kids. And that's a lot of work. Like we talk about self care all the time. It requires a lot of work to be the kind of mom that can handle a bunch of kids and a lot of noise and a lot of stimulus. So if you're not putting that time and effort into yourself, things are going to get hairy real quick, which you probably already noticed. We all know what that looks like,
Planned Noisy Times for Energy Release
00:18:51
Speaker
right?
00:18:51
Speaker
Okay so our last tip is one that you might not want to hear but is really essential and that is that we need to give our children a pointed noisy times almost without limit right they have so much little passion and
00:19:08
Speaker
excitement and energy pent up inside their little bodies, if we don't allow them the ability to let go of that, it just keeps getting pent up, kind of like in a car ride, right? If you've ever driven all day and then got into a hotel room and expected your kids to go straight to bed, mm-mm, does not happen. They have to go run loops around the hotel for a while to get all that energy out, whereas just sitting in the car for 12 hours, I'm like, I'm zonked, even if I wasn't driving, I'm tired, but not those little kids. They have to get it out.
00:19:35
Speaker
you give them appointed times, hey, this is a time to go scream and yell and be wild, then you're more likely to get the quiet time when you need it. Yes, that is absolutely good advice. And you plan for those times. Like, you know you're going to be in a car. OK, everybody go outside. You're going to be strapped into a car seat for two hours. Everybody go outside and run around. And don't come back in and be as loud as you can. We have something called the outside time. Actually, we have a whole episode on the benefits of outside time. You guys should go check that one out. That's a really good one.
00:20:04
Speaker
But we do outside time. We talk about inside voices. So that is another phrase we use a lot around our houses, inside voices. We need to have inside voices. And yeah, that's just very helpful. Okay, playing tag, other chasing games, singing time, chanting,
00:20:23
Speaker
Practice making animal noises car noises all these ideas that you can do that You can help them kind of expend this energy vocally to get themselves just just quiet like get it out and they Like like you have to help the little kids the older kids know that you what it means when you're gonna be in a car for a couple hours go outside and play and And they get that but the little kids you're like, okay, let's go outside and play zoo or whatever To get to help them with that
00:20:53
Speaker
Yes. And your kids are going to love this. When you start doing this regularly, they'll be like, yeah, mom said we get to yell and scream and run around. And then the novelty wears off and then they're able to sit in church or the car or come in and do school for a little bit or whatever you need to have them do. But that just kind of acknowledges their humanity. Like, I know you're a wild little kid and you got this in you. Let's get it out. Let's not have unrealistic expectations for you.
00:21:17
Speaker
A few of our tools include going to the park. There's swings and slides and monkey bars and lots of things.
Value of Childhood Play and Creativity
00:21:23
Speaker
I mean, very often expending that noise level also expends plenty of physical energy, which is great. Going to the pool is fun. You're jumping around, being wild, screaming. It's great. I'm sure my neighbors love it when the kids are in the pool.
00:21:36
Speaker
Taking them out to a field to do cartwheels or just getting them in nature somewhere where noise is not an issue. Doing that regularly means they're that much more likely to be quiet when you need them to be. Okay. Just like you need a certain amount of quiet time and you need that to be balanced, kids have so much energy. They have to be able to express it without feeling constrained. They have to have their loud time. We have to have our quiet time. They have to have their loud time.
00:22:01
Speaker
Kind of, I don't know, I can't really remember when I was a kid, it needed loud time, but they do. Just believe us and let them have it. Just as a final thought, I think it's so important to remember to value childhood, right? For all of its ups and downs and the good stuff and the bad stuff. I think the world in general
00:22:20
Speaker
tries to get kids to just, well, social media and everything else. They're forced to grow up way too quickly. Valuing that pure, beautiful childhood where they run around and like you said, play tag and jump in the pool and do cartwheels and can yell and scream is
00:22:36
Speaker
I feel like it's kind of a lost art and understanding how valuable that is and just how essential it is for kids to play that that is their work. Play is the work of childhood and allowing them the ability to do that without constantly saying, be quiet, be quiet, be quiet, be quiet, is is really, really beneficial to them. Again, doesn't mean there's no limits. It means that we have a time and a place for each of these things. And when it's time to be loud and wild, join in with them, grab a pot in the spoon and, you know, make a fake band or whatever. They'll love it. And mom's playing in a slow time.
00:23:06
Speaker
And then it's time to settle down. And then they understand, oh, this is quiet time. First we play and we're loud. And then we're quiet because that's how we balance life. And then they start to understand their own limits as well, right? Because guarantee you have some kids that need more loud time versus more quiet time and vice versa. Soon they'll be able to tap into that themselves and get what they need from life as well.
00:23:28
Speaker
Yeah, it's interesting to think about it like that. You know, I have some kids that also have sensory issues. It's kind of hereditary genetic thing. And so I find that those kids that tend to have more of maybe a little bit of sensory stuff going on, like they're sensitive to loud noises, but they still make them.
00:23:48
Speaker
They're just sensitive to maybe other people's loud noises, maybe not their own. Anyway, I think we can teach our kids that it's okay to be loud because then we can also teach them that it's okay that there's appropriate times to be quiet as well.
Teaching Balance Between Loud and Quiet Times
00:24:03
Speaker
When we go and have our religious services, that's an appropriate time to be quiet.
00:24:10
Speaker
If we can't give them loud times, then we can't expect to teach them quiet times too. It's a balance for them as well, to learn the quiet and learn the loud and that there's appropriate things in life. I like how you said that. It's not going to be like this forever, like I mentioned. I can't even remember wanting and needing to be loud as a kid. It's just kind of fun.
00:24:30
Speaker
Um, like I don't have a lot of patience for like being loud with them, like banging the pots and pans. And I don't think my eardrums would shatter or something, but what I love to see them enjoying each other. And so anyway, hope this episode has somehow helped you guys in understanding why your kids are loud and what you can do to tolerate it without smothering their need to be creative and loud themselves. Yeah, that's right. That's right. All right, friends. We'll talk to you next week. I'm Bonnie. I'm Audrey and we're outnumbered.
00:25:01
Speaker
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00:25:29
Speaker
No, I think one of the hoses in the back wasn't fully sealed. Shoot.