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How to Parent Adult Children {Episode 233}
424 Plays1 year ago
Are you navigating a new role in parenting an adult child? Or just thinking ahead to when your children grow up? (Spoiler alert...you should be!!) In this episode Bonnie & Audrey share 5 ways to interact with adult children. Tip: listen BEFORE your kids are adults!
Mentioned in this episode:
About Outnumbered the Podcast:
Two moms, parenting a combined total of 19 kids and finding joy in the chaos. Join Audrey and Bonnie as they share real parenting tips for real people through humor, advice and compassion.
Whether it's tackling how to teach kids to work or discussing where to turn when you're all out of patience, these two experienced moms are here to offer authentic tips for raising children joyfully.
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Transcript
Introduction to Parenting Adult Children
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back, friends, to another episode of OutNumber. This is 233 Parenting Adult Kids. Even if you are a parent of small children, you're going to want to listen to this one because we have lots of amazing tips for getting that relationship off on the right foot and making it a beautiful, beautiful thing. One of the things we talk about is how this relationship goes through different levels of maturation throughout the years, whether it's when you start as a baby all the way up to adulthood. It reminds me of a t-shirt I have that really sends this message home and it says,
00:00:29
Speaker
and then below that it says mommy and then it says mom and then it says bruh kind of like the natural progression how a child goes from totally dependent on mom to hey is there any food in this house okay let's get started
00:00:55
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the
Humor and Chaos in Parenting
00:00:57
Speaker
Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey.
00:01:20
Speaker
Okay, guys, welcome back. Today we're talking to you about something that, well, it's a little new for both of us. And also we don't have super lot of experience except for our own experience and some with our kids as they're getting older. And you may think if you're a parent with only young kids that it doesn't apply to you, but just stick with us. So we've got some really good information.
Youthful Ambitions and Parental Wisdom
00:01:43
Speaker
We're talking about parenting relationships, et cetera, with your children when they're grownups, when they're adults.
00:01:51
Speaker
Yes, and I know when you have little kids, you think, well, that will never happen to me. Children will never be independent. I know it feels that way. Sometimes it still feels that way. Will I ever live alone again? But it will, and it will be heartbreaking and beautiful and all the things. So it comes for all of us sooner or later, right? Okay, so I just had to share a funny story about my own young adult years, because as we all know, young adults do dumb things, right? Because they're basically just really giant children.
00:02:20
Speaker
We're going to talk about that a little bit. But I have always been fascinated by the idea of entrepreneurship and owning my own business. And there was a time when I had a lot of odd jobs in college. It was a time when it was really difficult to find a job. Everybody wanted to work and there weren't a lot of jobs to go around. And so I did all kinds of weird, wacky things. And one of them was working at a dry cleaners, which was, you know, whatever, fine. It wasn't fast food, but it wasn't the most glamorous.
00:02:45
Speaker
And I worked there with my best friend and the owner at one point said that he didn't want to be in the business anymore and he wanted to sell the business. And he asked us both, would you guys want to buy the business? And immediately my brain was like, yes, I want to own my own business. I could be a dry cleaner.
00:03:04
Speaker
So I was legitimately serious and I was about 20 years old and I thought this was going to be the most brilliant move I'd ever made and that I was going to be a multi-millionaire. But obviously I had no money, support college students. So I called home. I was like, mom, dad, this guy wants to sell me his dry cleaner business and I think we should do it. And I would just need a little loan. And anyway, they,
00:03:27
Speaker
said no, which is probably a wise decision. At the time, I thought they were so foolish and closed-minded, and if they just could open up their eyes a little bit, I could be a really successful entrepreneur, but that didn't pan out. So that's just a fun story about how young adults still need to learn lots of lessons, but they get to learn them predominantly on their own, which is kind of fun
Building Healthy Adult-Child Relationships
00:03:48
Speaker
and kind of scary. So there you have it.
00:03:51
Speaker
Oh my goodness, what might have been Bonnie, you could have called it dry queen or something. I totally want to have. And I mean, I could own 30 different dry cleaners across the, the inner mountain West at this point. Yeah. No. Yeah.
00:04:05
Speaker
Your parents squashed, rained on your parade. About five seconds later, I was like, I hate this place. I don't want to own, what am I thinking? I want to own a dry cleaners who probably give me cancer with all these chemicals around here, but it sounded like a great idea at the time. I know. Probably honored that somebody looked at you and thought you could, you know, potential business owner. I think the guy was just like, how do I get out of this business? I'm done. Yeah. Hey, maybe these girls are dumb enough to get off my hands.
00:04:32
Speaker
That is so fun. All right, so like we said, even if you only have young kids, this is worth thinking about now. And spoiler alert, if you don't think about it until your kids are adults,
00:04:46
Speaker
It's too late. You're going to have a lot of trouble. So start thinking, listen to it now. Just take it in as information, add data points, and then maybe you'll see some things you want to do differently with your kids while they're young. And maybe you won't. Maybe you'll just sit back and laugh at our mistakes.
00:05:07
Speaker
That's right. But we have the prerogative to do things differently at any time. And thank goodness we have a bunch of kids, right? Audrey, we get to screw up the first couple and then gradually get better as we age and learn. Yeah. Yeah. Poor guinea pigs. Poor oldest guinea pigs. But they also did get a few years there with just mom and dad. So, you know, it all comes out in the wash, I guess.
00:05:27
Speaker
So as we know, our thoughts are what create our reality, right? We first think something and then we feel something about it and then we go out and do stuff. And so in this episode, we are going to examine the thoughts that we are having about our role as a parent once our kids grow up because that is where the success or the problems start is with our thoughts about it. It's really crucial that we clean those up and preferably before our kids become adults. So I hope that many of you who don't have adult kids are listening to this so that you can kind of get in that good head space because it really does start before they turn 18.
00:05:56
Speaker
13, 14, 15, 16, they start gaining more and more independence and you really have to start getting into that mindset shift of understanding that they are a unique independent human being and they are going to go off and live their own life and we have to be okay with it.
Transitioning to Adult-Adult Relationships
00:06:13
Speaker
Okay, so we're going to share five tips and thoughts that we have about parenting adult children. Number one is don't. Please stop. You would not turn, I hope, to your best friend or your neighbor, your adult best friend or your adult neighbor and start parenting them. Like tell them their socks are mismatched or what have they eaten right today.
00:06:40
Speaker
Just stop, please. My first and best tip for parenting your adult children is stop it. Don't, don't do this. Avoid this at all costs. You are not the parent. They're not your child. They're an adult.
00:06:53
Speaker
That is some hard medicine to swallow, for sure, because you have just spent 18 years being this child's parent, which means that their entire, you know, well-being is like up to you, right? I mean, in those later years, like we're saying, we have to try to slowly cut the cord at the end. But those early years, like everything they did was your business, right? To see if they ate well. Like you said, if they're exercising, if they're sleeping enough, if they're texting something inappropriate, if they're watching some show, everything was your business. And all of a sudden, it's not.
00:07:23
Speaker
And we're not saying that you don't have a relationship with your child, but it's just not a parent-child relationship anymore. It's an adult to an adult relationship, and that can be difficult if we let it, but it can also be beautiful, so beautiful if we let it. So we'll start off by just asking you, did you grow up with a parent who parented you as an adult? If not, you might not understand just how important this is, but if you did, you probably do understand why this is crucial.
00:07:52
Speaker
Do you have thoughts about that? What are your thoughts about that? You might actually have enjoyed it, and if so, that's good for you, but it might not work out so well for your children, okay? So whatever thoughts you have about it, which might be things like, wow, I felt disrespected. I felt talked down to. I felt like I couldn't grow up and leave the nest. Do you want your children to have those same thoughts about you, or do you want them to just
00:08:14
Speaker
feel so free and able to go out and do their own thing as an adult with you just in their corner as a cheerleader, right? Ask yourself what you want your children. I mean, obviously we can't control their thoughts, but we can set up a scenario where they feel open to becoming that adult they're meant to be.
00:08:32
Speaker
Okay. So I made a statement in episode 227 about rebellious kids, and it kind of was a bold statement, but we've heard some things about it. So let me say it again.
00:08:46
Speaker
unhealthy relationships come from a lack of separation. Either the child can't separate from the parent or the parent can't separate from the child. And I'm going to elaborate on this a little bit. If a parent can't separate from a child, that means they're going to be doing
00:09:05
Speaker
everything that they can to keep that child in the child role and keep themself in the adult role. And if the child can't separate from the parent, they're going to be doing everything they can to keep themselves in the child role so that the parent has to stay in the parent role. And both of those are not healthy positions to be in once the child is an adult.
00:09:30
Speaker
It's I'm sure you've seen this in other relationships that people that you look at and there's kind of like this Symbiotic unhealthy relationship going on and it's really hard to see and like it's very plain You can see it in someone else's relationship Harder to see in our own harder to see when we're crossing that line back into parenting our adult kids and upper teens It's harder to see because we have been
00:09:55
Speaker
We have been their parent. We have been responsible, like you said, for everything. Even as newborns, we had to keep tabs on what their poop was like so that we knew if they were healthy or not, right? I mean, that's pretty intimate, whether you like it or not. But that's the kind of thing where I'm really glad that I don't have to do that for my adult kids. Thank you. I'm so glad you can monitor your own health now in that way.
00:10:22
Speaker
Adding a little humor to something that might be really hard to stomach. Um, if you're stepping back into the parent role, just stop, please. Yes. And there is actually a real life psychological term for this and it's called enmeshment. And, uh, we'll, we'll drop a link in the show notes, uh, to an article that teaches a little bit more about this, but basically what it does is it just locks each person into their child parent relationship forever.
00:10:51
Speaker
And it is actually a form of emotional manipulation where one person doesn't let the other one change and vice versa. And the child doesn't grow up and the parent doesn't let them and it can cause some real problems and ripples throughout both people's lives. So do yourself and your child a favor and be aware of this and acknowledge that it's going to be painful to allow them to grow up and to leave the nest.
Understanding Enmeshment and Independence
00:11:14
Speaker
But that was what was always supposed to happen. That is how it's meant to be.
00:11:19
Speaker
Okay, so number two, first tip is don't, don't bury your adult child. Number two is respect. If you wouldn't feel respected if someone treated you the way you're about to treat your adult child, then don't do it to them, right? Like asking about their bowel movements or asking if they've changed their socks or, I mean, there are
00:11:37
Speaker
Obviously, you're going to care for this person more than you care for just about anyone else in the world. So, of course, you're going to express your care, right? Of course, my mom is going to call me up and see if I'm doing okay. Of course, that's appropriate. Of course, I'm going to check with my child to see if they need help, right? And I'm going to hope that they reach out to me if they do. But we have to do so in a respectful manner. There is actually, I think it's important to realize that there's nothing special about the age 18. It's just what society has determined is a legal adult.
00:12:08
Speaker
But it does set the stage for this new relationship. So what's going to be difficult for us parents is seeing them.
00:12:14
Speaker
have bad habits and do dumb things at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. But there comes a time when we have to stop getting on their case about it because it's not our job anymore. They're the adult. So you get to decide. We recommend 18 because that's when they're going to go out and leave the nest and society's going to acknowledge that they are a legal adult. But just know that they're not going to turn 18 and magically start acting like an adult. And that's the tricky part is you have to be okay with them still acting like a child and you stepping back, right? So you got to work on yourself.
00:12:51
Speaker
No, your adult, newly adult child does not have your age. They don't have your wisdom. They don't have your experience. But if you're looking at that, if you're focusing on that, you're going to see that everywhere. We have talked a lot about how your brain looks for evidence to back up your thoughts. So start looking for things to respect in your child. Respect to them anyway. Look for things to respect. Your brain's going to find it and then communicate that to them.
00:13:09
Speaker
Oh, we always get back to that, don't we? Yes.
00:13:18
Speaker
Yes, I love this. And this can be practiced at early ages, right? Notice how you talk to your six and seven and eight-year-olds. Notice how you talk to your 12 and 13-year-olds. If you can set this up early, where you're looking for ways to respect them and to treat them like their own individual person, that will become a lot easier. If you are a very controlling parent and was like, you don't do that the right way, and you're always kind of talking down to them and reminding them that they're the child, this is going to be a lot harder transition for you.
00:13:44
Speaker
Ask me how I know. I am learning this myself, right? So I have, my oldest is almost 18, so this is brand new for me too, but I'm trying to constantly find ways to respect him as an adult to say, oh, this is interesting. What are you going to do about this? And not asking in a way that I can then share my thoughts about it, but just out of curiosity and, oh, that will be interesting. Oh, that will be fun. Good for you. Or, oh, let me know how that works out for you instead of with this motive of telling him what to do.
00:14:12
Speaker
So the next thing to say about this is, what are your thoughts that would lead you to disrespect your adult child? So if you find yourself wanting to do this, even to a child that's younger, ask yourself what thoughts are coming into your mind about this. Why are you not already valuing their freedom, their space, their time? Now, if they're younger children, it might be because they haven't proved themselves trustworthy, which is a valid reason, right? You have to keep them safe. You can't let them go off.
00:14:37
Speaker
drive somewhere at 1 a.m. if they're not doing things that they're supposed to be doing, right? But eventually you have to let them. You have to let them go do things that you think are unsafe, unwise, and that you don't agree with because it's their life.
Fostering Friendship and Boundaries
00:14:51
Speaker
So ask yourself, what is it about your thoughts that is currently making you be disrespectful and how can you change that?
00:14:59
Speaker
Okay. Point number three is let them lead. So for 18 years, you've been the leader, right? It was your responsibility. It's our responsibility to be the leader, but okay. Roll swap a little bit. Let them lead. How often do they want to communicate? What do they want to communicate about? How much time do they want to spend together? What kind of activities and situations do they want to do when they are spending time together?
00:15:25
Speaker
Like one thing that so I have three and almost four adult children couple months I'll have another adult child 18 or older so like putting the ball in their court like hey, where do you want to eat? Like yeah, let's get together What do you want to eat like not? Hey, I love this restaurant. Let's go there. But what do you guys want to eat? right Something one reason I love doing this with my adult children is because it's Giving them
00:15:52
Speaker
It's acknowledging their adulthood and their ability to lead that, yeah, hey, I trust you. You've got this great ability to choose and lead and let's go with that. Let's do what you think. Yes, and you know, what I think about is very often when you're raising young children, they say, remember, you're not there to be your child's friend. You're there to be the parent, right? Step into the parent role and don't try to just make them happy all the time. You have to be the adult. Well, when they're the adult, you can just be the friend.
00:16:21
Speaker
It's actually quite amazing. You get to stop being the parent. So step into that role and enjoy it and ask them like you would a friend, what are you feeling like you're in the mood for? Or what would you like to do? Oh, you don't have time to hang out? Oh, that's okay. I'll miss you. We'll talk next week, right? Instead of holding onto this controlling factor, just step back from the parent role and step into the friend role. And it can be this beautiful relationship where you get to have amazing conversations.
00:16:46
Speaker
Now, I will say that your child might not be okay with that. Your child might want to really separate, which they can do sometimes. They might want to really rebel. They turn 18 and all of a sudden they think everything you do is stupid and ridiculous and they want as far away from you as possible. That can be very painful, but it doesn't mean that that's your role to just step back into the parent and try to control them again. Let them take the lead even if it means it's going to be painful for you, even if it means they want to move across the country and see you once a year.
00:17:13
Speaker
right? You just have to let them. And I promise that the more you let them lead and take charge of their own life, the more likely they will be to want to come back and to want to have a relationship with you sometime in the future. It's so hard to see them do things that you would not do. But if you want to maintain that relationship at all costs, then you have to step back.
00:17:34
Speaker
Okay. So ask them for input on what kind of the relationship they want to have with you. Like this is really empowering for them. Okay. Now that you're an adult, what kind of relationship do you want me to have? My adult children have told me what kind of grandparent they want me to be when they have children. And I love that.
00:17:51
Speaker
I absolutely love that because that is them taking control of the situation, leading, hey, mom, when we have kids, we want you to do this. I'm like, awesome. Then that's exactly what I want to do. And it's like, that's like hard because it's completely letting go of control. Like, well, maybe I wanted to be this kind of grandparent. So what? How to never be able to spend time with your grandkids, right? Yeah, right.
00:18:17
Speaker
Yeah. So just ask them for input. What kind of relationship? What role do you want me to play? How can I be the best supportive I can for you when you're in a job? Right. Right. And going back to the thought about being friends with them, let me just say that that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, right? If you're an adult child, then ends up being abusive and unkind to you, you still stand up for yourself just like you would with a friend. You say, actually, I'm not going to allow you to talk to me like that. But you don't parent them. You don't say,
00:18:44
Speaker
We don't talk like that. And you know what I'm saying? You just address it like you would a friend. They say something disrespectful and say, that really hurt my feelings. And I don't really want to talk right now because I need to process this. We'll talk again next week. So you can still stand up for yourself, and I highly recommend you do, and teach them what is an appropriate way to talk to their adult parents so that then they can go out into the world and talk to friends the same way. We're still modeling this good behavior of how to be an adult because they're still learning. But don't mistake that for you have to just lie down and take whatever
00:19:15
Speaker
misbehavior they want to throw at you because you're still an adult who gets to show people how to respect you. Number four, let's talk about the past for a quick second.
00:19:24
Speaker
If the thing you're thinking about or the story you want to tell would have been hurtful or embarrassing in the past, it will probably still be hurtful or embarrassing as an adult. So watch what you say, watch the stories you tell, watch how you identify your child, watch the names that you call them. There are some things that are appropriate for a family when a child is small and they're all at home together that's not appropriate when a child is 20 and bringing home a girlfriend.
00:19:51
Speaker
So just because you changed their diapers when they were little might not be appropriate to bring that up at dinner with the new girlfriend. Or just watch what you were saying and how you were reflecting on their childhood. Is it trying to manipulate them or keep you in the parent role? Or is it really just a fun memory that you guys can share together?
00:20:10
Speaker
Oh, you guys, this one is so common, isn't it? I bet you've had a parent do this to you, or you've seen a parent do this to their child, and it's almost like everybody is cringing, except the parent, because they can just see this. The parent's like laughing. Oh, that was so funny. And everybody's like, oh, stop it. Stop it.
00:20:26
Speaker
I know. Maybe it's because the parents are older and they're looking back like the past. Maybe that's why, because you're through more of your life than you're not. And maybe that's why the past is often used as a lever or as a power tool or something.
00:20:43
Speaker
But our young adult kids are looking forward. Like maybe they don't want to look back. Okay, fine. Let it go. Stop using it to like try to control or manipulate. It just isn't going to help you have the kind of relationship with your child that you could have if you would just let go of the things in the past that they just don't want to talk about.
00:21:03
Speaker
And I think for many of us, it will just be difficult to let go of those childhood years, right? We just loved having them around and it's sad to see them go. So some of us just want to reminisce because we're not ready to let go of that child. But like you say, I love that, that they're looking forward to their life and all these exciting opportunities. So it doesn't mean you can't tell stories of when they're a child, but just acknowledge that they want to grow up and let them, let them be this adult that they really, really want to be.
00:21:29
Speaker
and ask yourself, why do you continue to dwell on the past? Again, what thoughts are causing you to stay stuck back there? Are you just thinking that that was the good old times when they listened to you? Remember, your young kids didn't listen to you. Don't forget. Don't make it all sunshine and rainbows. Oh, I know. I know. Retelling history, right?
00:21:48
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like the grandma at the store, oh, I miss when they were little. I'll make do you really though, because it was hard, remember? Don't forget. You've forgotten. You did, you did, yeah. So ask yourself again, are these thoughts? It's a story I'm telling myself, helping my relationship with my adult kids, even if it's fun. Maybe you and your husband can go on a date night every night and talk about all the fun little kid stories that you both reminisce. Remember when he was in diapers? Remember this and now look at him. But maybe don't keep him the child in your mind when you guys are talking, right? Let him be an adult.
00:22:18
Speaker
And again, we cannot keep them little by trying to control them or by manipulating them or reminding them just how little they were once they're going to grow up anyway. So ask yourself why you can't accept this phase? Why is this extra difficult for you? And do you need to do some of your own work to push through that?
Becoming a Supportive Figure
00:22:35
Speaker
Such good thoughts. Yes, you cannot keep them little. They're going to grow up anyway. Do you want to be there and be a part of that adulthood or not? Okay. Our last tip, tip number five for you is be what you didn't or don't have in your own parents. So again, some tough stuff to look at, but something that I have always held very close to me as an adult is that you have two chances at the parent-child relationship. One, when you're the parent,
00:23:03
Speaker
and one when you're the child. And I'm not even saying this has to be difficult parent-child relationships when you were the child. What if you didn't have a parent? Personally, my dad died when we were expecting our second, and we went on to have seven more, right? So they had no grandfather on my side. My husband's father passed away when we were expecting our sixth, so our youngest four never had any grandpa at all.
00:23:28
Speaker
So my husband is really looking forward to being the grandpa that our kids never got to have. Most of our kids never got to have. So I'm not saying it's just difficult parent-child relationships, although there is a plethora of those. I'm just saying be what you didn't or don't have in your own parents.
00:23:46
Speaker
Yeah, or even if you think your parents did a great job of it, then look at that and incorporate that into your life as well. I love this concept of having two chances at that relationship, the parent-child, right? I think kind of God in his infinite wisdom was like, okay, we're going to put you in this family and you're going to think you know everything as a child and you're going to lecture and break your parents and then you're going to become an adult and then you're going to screw it up yourself, but you're going to have a little experience because you're going to know what you liked and what you didn't like, right?
00:24:08
Speaker
And now you get to go out and try it yourself. Kind of like this little incubator, right? Where we get to see these relationships develop, decide whether we liked it or didn't, and then go out and try it ourselves. So that's a beautiful thing to do. And if you have a bunch of kids, you get to try it over and over and over until maybe you get it right. Or maybe you just get so tired in your old age, you stop caring. I don't know. I'll probably get there too.
00:24:27
Speaker
It can be hard to think about the ways where your parents didn't measure up in your life or where you think that you were disrespected as an adult. But it can help you decide how you want to act and what you would like to do differently and maybe what your kids might need as well. And again, just like anything, every child is very different.
00:24:45
Speaker
Some might turn 16 and wish they could move out immediately and never want to have a relationship with you. And some might really stick close to home for a long time and really value that relationship with you. But we need to be aware of that, open to different relationships depending on the child and really, like you said, let them take the lead.
00:25:03
Speaker
Yeah, so let's examine our thoughts here. But from a little bit different perspective, what kind of thoughts or feelings do you want your adult kids and grandkids to have about you, like kind of overlaid or compared with the thoughts that you have about your own parents or your own raising? So like you said, Bonnie, we cannot control other people's thoughts, but we can influence them. And we do this by examining our own thoughts about our own parent.
00:25:29
Speaker
parents and our relationship with them and asking, you know, all these things that we've been talking about, asking our kids what kind of relationship they want to have with us. What, what do they see our role, you know, as in their life as an adult and all these things, because we can't, we can't control, but we can influence. And we do that by finding out what they want and then trying to do that as long as it, you know, of course, lines up with our values.
00:25:52
Speaker
Yeah, and here's a spoiler alert. We can't ever control them, even when they're two. I mean, sure, we could strap them into a car seat when they're screaming, but they're still going to scream. We can only ever influence them, really. And when they get bigger than us, then you really know you can't. So I think that was by divine design, right? Little by little, we're learning to allow our children to become the human beings that they already are, that we get them already packaged up like that, right?
00:26:18
Speaker
and they are learning and growing and we get this awesome privilege of doing it alongside them. But we just need to be aware that we can get in their way if we don't move through our own drama. And I highly recommend allowing this relationship to morph and mature year by year by year. If you treat your child
00:26:36
Speaker
Like a child, until the day he turns 18, good
Deepening Parent-Child Friendships
00:26:40
Speaker
luck. That's going to be a really difficult transition for you, but you want little by little to go, oh, I'm going to give a little bit more freedom. I'm going to pull back a little bit. I'm going to show him more respect here. I'm going to do this. Sorry, I keep saying him because my oldest is him, or her. Allow that relationship to morph. Allow yourself to mature little by little by little so that by the time he is 30 and bringing home grandkids, you have this beautiful relationship that has changed as he has needed it too, little by little, and you have become this amazing
00:27:07
Speaker
parent of an adult child who is now having children of his own. It's just a beautiful circle. Okay guys, I have a few final thoughts here and forgive me if I get long winded, but I have four, almost four adult children. So I want to ask you, do you want to be an enabler?
00:27:27
Speaker
or an edifier with your adult children. So if you're an enabler, you're enabling them to still retain their childhood, to still be a kid, right? Or are you edifying, which means to lift up, right? So you're supporting and helping in everything they do as an adult. And that's just a choice that we can make. Which role are we going to be in?
00:27:51
Speaker
Um, I want to point out that both the parent and the child who is becoming an adult go through an identity change. So you, your identity has always been mom, right? For 18 years. And now you are going to change identity. It's not that you're not going to be
00:28:12
Speaker
their mother, it's just that you're not their mom anymore. They are going to go through an identity change. They have been a child. They have been your child, and now they're not a child anymore. They are an adult. How do you want them to feel about this new identity as an adult? Well, this is much different than being a child. Mom still treats me like a kid, right?
00:28:33
Speaker
Like, what kind of thoughts can we help them generate by the way that we treat them in an adulthood? And my final thing here, guys, is there is such potential in the parent-adult-child relationship for friendship. And I want to say, excuse me, that the most beautiful friendships I have in my life are with my adult children.
00:29:02
Speaker
because they're such neat people.
Reflecting on Relationships
00:29:06
Speaker
They're such amazing adults and I would not want to take that away from them by holding them back as a child still. They are my best friends and they're the most amazing people and I love this friendship that I have with my adult kids because
00:29:25
Speaker
because I don't have to be their parent anymore and they get to be an adult and it has been like the most beautiful friendships in my life different than the friendship I have with my husband different than the friendships I had with my friends my girlfriends as kids it is it has the potential to be
00:29:43
Speaker
some of the most beautiful thing that you will ever have in your life. And I just like, that's why I'm going to do this episode is because I wanted to encourage you guys to be able to step in and enjoy one of the most beautiful things you could ever have in your life.
00:29:59
Speaker
Okay guys, that's it, what we have for you this episode. We hope something that we have said here has sparked some thoughts for you, even if you have little kids about what you might want your relationship to be like with your adult children in the future. That's it for this week. I'm Autry. I'm Bonnie and we're outnumbered.
00:30:18
Speaker
Thanks for listening, friends. Click the link in the show notes to subscribe to our email and never miss another episode. Show us some love by leaving a review on iTunes or sharing the podcast with a friend. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week. My husband's dad passed away when we were expecting our sixth. So there's three more kids that never were expecting our sixth.
00:30:46
Speaker
Excuse me, let me say that again. My husband's dad passed away when we were expecting our sixth. So there's four kids that, how am I, how am I getting off on my math? You're on mute. Tell me, help me out. No, that's right. Four wouldn't have had a dad, right? Six, seven, eight, and nine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, and a grandpa. Yeah, that's right. Math.