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Extended Family Relationships: Creating loving boundaries and more! {Episode 75}
101 Plays4 years ago
For better or for worse, we all have extended family members! Raising your own children can be wonderful with the support of grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and more yet creating boundaries is essential if we want to be intentional parents with our children's best interests at heart.
Join us as we explore various sticky family situations including: how to set limits with loving family members, how to invite extended family members to be more involved in our lives and how to deal when we don't have any extended family to speak of.
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Transcript
Introduction and Purpose
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey friends, welcome back to another episode. This is episode 75. We are talking about extended families and the drama that comes with these wonderful people that we love so much. We are going to be talking about four sticky scenarios in regards to extended families.
Boundary Issues with Extended Family
00:00:14
Speaker
Number one is the crossing of boundaries when extended family members
00:00:17
Speaker
want things from us that we are not willing to give. Number two is when your extended family does not want to participate with you or be a part of your life, which is very sad, but also figure outable. Number three, differing backgrounds from our in-laws or other extended family members. And this is true for just about all of us. And number four, not having any extended family members close by. This is a heartbreaking issue, but one that can be solved with lots of creativity and fun ways of communicating. So we're excited for you guys to listen.
00:00:52
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. We're experienced moms to a combined total of 18 children. Our mission is to help overwhelmed parents find peace in parenting and humor in the chaos. Come join us as we attempt uninterrupted conversation about parenting with joy and intention.
00:01:17
Speaker
Hello, we're back and we're so excited to talk to you today. Well, okay, let me say that again. Maybe we're not so excited to talk to you today about today's topic. It can be a little uncomfortable to talk about
00:01:32
Speaker
relationships with in-laws and extended family that are maybe not quite so comfortable. But we're going to take this topic. We're going to tackle it. So first of all, we wanted to share a little bit about why we decided to go ahead and do something on this topic.
00:01:50
Speaker
We have been asked several times, several questions, but then we got a specific email from one of our friends and it says, hey, Bonnie and Audrey, I so love your show. I was wondering if you would consider doing an episode on in-law relationships with children involved. Ah yes, children adds an extra dimension of complication, don't they?
00:02:10
Speaker
My in-laws recently moved to my area, far across the country, and there have been some differences in opinion, as there are in any home, about how we are choosing to raise our kids. Obviously, it's our choice how we intentionally raise our kids, but it feels harder to say no to these people who live so close now and are also so emotionally invested in our kids. Any suggestions on setting loving boundaries? So yeah, we're gonna give you some of our thoughts on this today.
Humor in Family Dynamics
00:02:39
Speaker
But first, Bonnie is going to start us off with a funny mom moment. Yeah. Okay. So, um, you know, it's always interesting to see what your children are going to call your parents and your in-laws, right? When they get old enough to talk. So we had all kinds of ideas in our head. Maybe somebody would be Nana. Maybe somebody would be a Noni. I don't know. Just some fun little name for the, especially for the grandmas, right? Cause the grandmas are on a lot and just a heads up. We are.
00:03:06
Speaker
very, very close geographically to both of our parents. In fact, for the last 10 years, we lived within three miles of both sets of parents. So it was awesome. But just, you know, as we'll talk about later, we had lots of opportunity to spend time with everybody and kind of figure out where we
00:03:22
Speaker
where our relationships lie, right? So when, oh gosh, I think maybe the twins got old enough to call grandmas by their names, we still hadn't really come up with anything that had stuck differently. So it was just grandma, so and so, grandma, so and so, right? Just the last names.
00:03:39
Speaker
Um, and then my little Vivian decided that she was going to call them, identify them by the color of their hair, but she didn't quite tell us this until we caught her calling one grandma, black grandma and the other grandma, white grandma. And you know, like a spoiler alert, both of our grandmas are Caucasian. So we had no clue what she was talking about. What do you mean your black grandma? What do you mean your white grandma? And she said, you know, the one with black hair and the one with white hair. And we said, Oh yes, naturally.
00:04:09
Speaker
So that's kind of our running joke now, is that the white grandma or the black grandma? And the little kids have picked up on it, too. It's pretty fun. That is so hilarious. We've had kids, too, that identify or talk about certain people in relation to the color of their hair. It's kind of funny how that's just kind of a kid thing. All right, so that is sort of leading us in. Do these grandmas know that they're the white grandma and the black grandma? Oh, yes. They know now. And they think it's pretty funny, too.
00:04:39
Speaker
Well, that's a cute lead-in to our topic today, extended family relations.
Navigating Changes in Family Dynamics
00:04:46
Speaker
So everyone has had or will have some sort of strain or struggle with extended family members. And we're going to get into a lot of the why and a lot of how to deal with that this week in this episode. But this topic is probably relevant to anybody who is in a family with other people, which is everybody.
00:05:10
Speaker
Yes, it's totally natural that our relationships will stretch and change throughout our lives, right? They do that even when we're children, right? We become middle schoolers and then teenagers and etc. And so our relationships are constantly evolving. But especially that happens during major life events, right? So we get married.
00:05:28
Speaker
huge shift in relationships. We have a baby, another huge shift. We move somewhere across the country or even just the next town, big relationship shifts. So we need to be aware of all these different varying factors that contribute to either strain or joy within an extended family relationship and to just have a little bit of grace with ourselves and with others as we try to navigate these waters, especially after a big life event like that. And just to be aware that some people are going to have a harder time dealing with these changes than others.
00:05:58
Speaker
Right, right. And I did want to say in specific response to our friend's question that wrote in, this is kind of a new situation for our friend that wrote in. And time will heal a lot of these things. It's just kind of the newness of the situation and figuring it out and wanting to get it right at the beginning. But even if you don't get it right at the beginning, you know, anytime is a good time to set up some
00:06:28
Speaker
some new boundaries or new rules or whatever you need to make the situation work for you. But I did want to say that time, just living
00:06:36
Speaker
with extended family or near extended family. Like Bonnie, I would say that you probably are better at dealing with in-laws and extended family than I am because your extended family lives within, what did you say, three miles of you? Both of them for the past 10 years. So you've gone through a lot of these things, whereas quite a bit of my extended family lives across the United States. And so it's just some of this
00:07:04
Speaker
familiarity with them or not with them.
Adult-Child Relationships
00:07:09
Speaker
Okay, so adult children and parents, that's kind of one of the most potentially troublesome relationships because all kids grow up. And a lot of what we talk about in this podcast is how you want to act with the thought of your future relationship with your children in mind. But maybe we're more discussing
00:07:33
Speaker
relationships with our own parents when we talk about extended family or with our in-laws and how to deal with that because we all have to eventually learn how to
00:07:46
Speaker
parent adults who no longer are required to listen to us. They're not in subjection to us. They're not required to be in subjection to us. And I think we all, to varying degrees, remember going through this as we became adults and how our parents did or didn't treat us like adults or the adults we thought we were and should be treated. And maybe some of the ways we interact with our children. No, let me just say that.
00:08:12
Speaker
For sure, the way that we interact with our children is based on some of how we were treated or not treated, right? Yeah, totally. And it's interesting because I remember being a young adult and being a little frustrated about how my children, how my parents treated me kind of like a child, right? Or didn't acknowledge some of the boundaries that I wanted to have. And yet I find myself doing the exact same thing with my teenager.
00:08:37
Speaker
I try to be conscious of his privacy and his independence while still parenting him because he's still only 15. He still needs parental guidance, but I still need to pull back enough that he has some agency there. So yeah, definitely a tricky subject.
00:08:52
Speaker
You are, you know, between the two of us, you're the expert of being in this relationship as a parent because you have adult children. But like you said, at least all of us have at least our own experiences of transitioning to adulthood with parents that don't really know how to do it yet. Or maybe you're the youngest of 15 or something and your parents do know what they're doing, like you. But it's just something we'll have to go through kind of twice, right? First as we reach adulthood and then the second time when our children do.
00:09:21
Speaker
Right, right. I saw a quote. I read again one of my favorite quotes just recently and it said, you have two chances at the parent-child relationship. One, when you're the parent.
00:09:35
Speaker
and one when you're the child. And when you're, this quote went on further to say, and I hadn't really read this part of the quote before, maybe I just saw the truncated version earlier, but when you're the child, you are powerless to have an effect, to be in control of this relationship. But when you're the parent, you're in complete control. And so that really gives, you know, pause for thought that
00:10:00
Speaker
on how we are releasing our children into adulthood and that we are in power of that situation. We're in control of it and we need to be very careful with that control.
Navigating Troublesome Family Situations
00:10:11
Speaker
So today we're gonna bring up a few potentially troublesome or sticky family situations and give you our thoughts and ideas for getting through them.
00:10:20
Speaker
Yeah, and this is by no means an exhaustive list. There's lots and lots of problems that we can have with our family. We all know that, right? But we're going to pick some of the big ones, especially in regards to our parents and our children. And then if you guys have other situations you'd like us to cover in future episodes, let us know.
00:10:38
Speaker
So the first situation we want to address is the boundary crossing that happens between grandparents or aunts and uncles and us as parents who want more time and opportunity to be a part of our lives. So for example, like our friend who emailed, she now lives close to extended family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, I'm not sure exactly who, but these people want
00:11:01
Speaker
maybe more time with her and her family than she's willing to give, right? Or maybe they want to impose some of their holiday traditions on her family that she doesn't believe in, right? Any number of things could happen. But that's the first one thing we're going to talk about is when you want to keep up some boundaries and there are extended family members who want to cross them.
00:11:20
Speaker
Right, right. My first thought on this is that we are responsible for raising our own children. So we can consider the advice of others, but others are not going to be answering for or paying the consequences or reaping the rewards of how our children are raised.
00:11:39
Speaker
We are. That's on us. So we have to learn to accept that responsibility and then be respectful to the others and their opinions and their thoughts and their advice without being obligated or feeling like we've committed ourselves to their opinions or advice or wishes because ultimately they're not the ones who are responsible for raising our children. It's us who are. And that's all we have to
00:12:08
Speaker
ultimately be concerned about. Yes, I love that you brought that up because we can try to please everyone around us. And sometimes we want to, right? I want to make my mom proud of me and happy with how I'm raising my children.
00:12:21
Speaker
But in the end, it's not her responsibility to raise my children. It's mine. And so if I don't follow my own desires and beliefs for how I should be raising my children, then I'm going to, there might be some regret there, even if I made somebody else happy with my decisions, right? Like trying to please other people will never set you up for happiness. So I love that you brought that up. Yeah. Yeah.
00:12:45
Speaker
Like whose relationship is more important to us? Our relationship with our parents or a relationship with our children? And I guess you're going to have to answer that question for yourself. But for me, it has to be my relationship with my children because they are the ones that I'm responsible for. I did want to add a note in here about unsafe family members.
00:13:08
Speaker
So use your mother's intuition. We have one episode, episode 27, all about mother's intuition. If you are unsure what we mean by that phrase and if you're experiencing your mother's intuition, but don't feel obligated to participate or include family members or, um, let your uncle babysit your kids or, you know, whatever. If your mother's intuition is telling you that this is a unsafe person or you need to have a boundary,
00:13:38
Speaker
I always err on the side of listening to my intuition and rather than setting it aside, rationalizing it and then being sorry later. So I just want to put that note in there. Just because someone is family does not mean they're required to access to your kids. Keep the boundaries that your intuition is telling you to keep. Yes, that's an excellent point.
00:14:01
Speaker
Okay, so I wanted to chime in with my own personal experience. I felt this kind of sticky situation pretty acutely because I'm the oldest in my family of origin. So I was the first to get married, first to bring grandkids on the scene. And, you know, there's just a lot of adjusting to go through during those early years. So I tried to remember two things that I share with others who are struggling through the same thing.
00:14:23
Speaker
The first one being to trust myself as an adult, right? To remember that I am also an adult, even if, you know, my parents were maybe second guessing my decisions, and I reserve the right to make and uphold my own decisions for my family, like you were saying. It's ultimately your responsibility to both reap the rewards and the consequences of how you raise your children. So don't let anyone else take that power away from you, right? And be firm, right? Stand firm. If you and your husband have decided that you are going to
00:14:51
Speaker
Whatever move to this town homeschool your kids. I don't know any number of decisions Then stand firm on those decisions in a loving way, right? We'll talk about how to do that as well and then number two kind of on the flip side I also tried to be mindful of the fact that my extended family wants to be a part of my life, right and
00:15:11
Speaker
And so I need, like I was just thinking, I need to realize that as my children grow up and turn into adults, I will have to start sharing them more, right? With their spouse, with their in-laws, and that's going to be really, really hard. So thinking of it from my parents or in-laws perspective was really helpful to me to see my little, imagine seeing my little boy or girl growing up into an adult and then half of their time being taken by another family.
00:15:34
Speaker
That's a little bit heartbreaking in a lot of ways. That helped me have a little bit more empathy for what the grandparents were going through and trying to be conscious of spending enough time with each family so nobody felt neglected. That is such good, wise advice. I also was the first to have children and bring grandkids into my side of the family, my family of origin, not on my husband's side.
00:16:02
Speaker
you know, like we're the first ones feeling out the waters on what to do. All right, moving on to the second potentially sticky scenario, your family does not want to be a part of your life like you'd like them to be. So maybe you want to invite them over for every holiday or every Thanksgiving or you have these things that you want them to be included in and they keep saying no or not showing up or not wanting to be involved in that.
00:16:29
Speaker
Yeah, I think this scenario is even more difficult because it can make you feel like you and your family aren't loved or cared about, right? If those people that you really love and value don't really want to be a part of your life the way you'd like them to be. So that's for sure tricky. Oh, as an introvert, I think this one's easier. You don't want me? Fine. I'll just go home and introvert. This is true. This is true. It depends on your personality, right? Right. Yeah.
00:16:54
Speaker
So the first thing I would say is to be sure to communicate your desires to your extended family. So it's very possible that, let's say, for example, it's your in-laws. You marry into the family, you have a couple of children, and then all of a sudden your in-laws don't really reach out. You might think that they're being a little cold or that they don't really like you, whatever, but maybe they're just trying to give you space. Maybe they remember what it was like to have that new little family
00:17:20
Speaker
and didn't want to be the meddling grandparents, right? So make sure you're communicating kindly, saying things like, hey, we haven't seen you guys in a while. We would love to have you over. The kids have been asking about you. Or maybe creating scenarios where it's an opportunity for everybody to get together. Hey, Johnny's going to have his third birthday party. We would love to have the whole extended family over. Or can we meet at a park? We'll bring pizza. Everybody come and say hi, right?
00:17:44
Speaker
So instead of waiting for others to make the first move, you could be proactive in offering opportunities for them to see you and your kids, right? Yeah. But I will say that if they still don't bite and they still kind of want their own space and don't want to be involved in your family like you would like them to be, find a surrogate family, right? Well, I'll get into more of this later, but when we were kids, we didn't live close to extended family.
Dealing with Differing Family Backgrounds
00:18:08
Speaker
always had random strangers over at the house. People we would meet in our church congregation or my mom would meet at the store or whatever and they would just invite them over to be a part of our dinner table or our holidays or whatever else. And you can always find someone who is single or elderly or lonely or who would like to be a part of your family if you're looking for them. So, you know, maybe you could be a huge blessing in somebody else's life by trying to find someone to take the place of that extended family that doesn't really want to spend as much time with you as you'd like.
00:18:37
Speaker
Yeah, my thoughts are along those same lines. I know I've mentioned in several other episodes that my husband and I view our family as the first generation. With that in mind, we work to create an extended family that we can be part of in the future. If your extended family is not interacting in the way that you want, well, you can't really control that generation, but you can have
00:19:06
Speaker
an influence over the generation that's coming after you. So maybe the grandparents come over, but you can be the kind of grandparents to your future grandchildren that you never had or whatever the situation might be. So that's another way to view it, is that you can fill in those gaps in the future for your children.
00:19:26
Speaker
Yeah, I love that. That's so beautiful. And to realize that we're as much a part of our children's future as our parents are of ours, and to just do our part to, like you say, fill in the gaps. I love that.
00:19:40
Speaker
Okay, so we're going to move on to our number three, third problematic scenario. And that is that your extended family might come from different backgrounds. What a concept, right? That you guys might be different in some really fundamental ways. I was thinking about it and really everything from family size to the hometown you grew up in, to your place of work.
00:20:02
Speaker
your amount and background of education, your religion is a huge one. All these things really affect a person's worldview and can make it very difficult to get along peacefully with in-laws or extended family, et cetera, and others. There's just so much involved in making a person who they are, right? And so if we look for it, we can find tons of differences.
00:20:26
Speaker
But you didn't mention politics. People never disagree over politics, do they? They never get politics, yeah. Well, we just make it a rule and I talk about it. It makes everybody angry.
00:20:38
Speaker
So my first tip in this regard, in the different backgrounds, is to not assume that others are criticizing your own viewpoint, right? I think when people bring up differing opinions, at least I personally, oftentimes go immediately on defense mode, right? Oh my gosh, he said something that I don't agree with.
00:20:57
Speaker
Well, we can't be friends. Well, I can't talk to him about that, et cetera, right? Sometimes we just hear something that somebody believes and immediately assume that it's being said in an attacking way. And sometimes they're being very rude about it. And sometimes it does feel like an attack. However, we can decide how to react to that, right? We can decide whether we choose to go on the defensive about it or if we can just kind of
00:21:20
Speaker
ignore it and move on, right? I have learned that I need to decide what traditions or what aspects of raising my family I am 100% uncompromising on and which ones I can be flexible on, right? Like I think specifically about religious beliefs. Like we have some standards that we are uncompromising on, right? And so if uncle so-and-so wants to do this thing that we do not do, if it's one of those things I have to say, I'm so sorry, we don't do that in a very loving, nonjudgmental way.
00:21:50
Speaker
But maybe there are some other things that I can be a little more flexible on because I want to preserve the relationship. Right. Yeah, that is so true. You know, everybody has this experience or this problem because nobody except siblings have been raised in the same home. So by default, we are bringing two sets of experience into any relationship. I remember in our episode with Dan and Kay of Sensei Financial that they talked about how couples bring in two
00:22:19
Speaker
different sets of financial knowledge, awareness into a relationship and that needs to be reconciled. We have to decide what's right or wrong and unacceptable for the family that we're raising and go with that. We have to meld things together.
00:22:43
Speaker
my sister talking about she married someone from another country. And I remember her talking about the first time her mother-in-law, she felt like her mother-in-law didn't like her very much because her mother-in-law
00:22:58
Speaker
went out to tea all the time with other people and only with my sister every once in a while and she didn't realize that it was part of the culture that they just went out to tea all the time with everybody and she didn't um she didn't like taking offense wasn't the right thing to do because everybody just went out to tea with everyone else it wasn't a a snipe a snub of her it was it was just a thing or a
00:23:26
Speaker
cultural thing. Every family is like that. Every family has different traditions and ideas. I have an aunt and uncle who do Thanksgiving morning with one side of the family, and then the day after Thanksgiving with the other side of the family, because that's just the tradition that they've created for their family. That's how they do it. That's how they split the time and those differing backgrounds.
00:23:54
Speaker
Wow, I love that. Yeah, you sometimes have to get real creative, but it can be done. So I wanted to share in this aspect, as we're talking about this, that we have to remember that deep down, all human beings are essentially the same,
Respecting Parenting Decisions
00:24:07
Speaker
right?
00:24:07
Speaker
We all want the same things. We want love in our lives. We want to be loved. We want to love others. And we want to be important. We want to matter to somebody, right? Those are kind of our essential human needs. So if we can do everything in our power to show our love to others in our family while still maintaining our boundaries, because that's how we show love to ourselves and our children.
00:24:29
Speaker
that we really can get along with almost anyone, really. Sometimes if the person is kind of toxic, like you were saying, the boundaries will be very far out there, right? You won't allow them to get very close at all because you don't, there's not a lot of trust there or whatever. But it doesn't mean that you have to be cruel, right? It doesn't mean that you have to be judgmental. You can still show love and tell them that they're important without allowing them to be close. And that's a tricky thing for sure. It's something that we all struggle with, I think most of our lives, but it can be done.
00:24:59
Speaker
And to also remember on the flip side that getting our own desires and point of view steamrolled because others don't think the way we do.
00:25:10
Speaker
That doesn't help anyone. Again, that's not showing love to ourselves, right? We have to be able to stand up for ourselves and our family's beliefs first and in a firm, respectful way. And people admire that. They really do. I've always admired seeing other people tell me respectfully, no, that's not something we do. Thank you so much for the invitation. I think, wow, how admirable that they are standing firm in this thing that they believe.
00:25:34
Speaker
Right, exactly. How can we expect others to respect our position if we don't respect it ourselves by letting them just steamroll it? Nobody's going to respect that when we're not respecting ourselves. So to figure out how to be respectful without, I mentioned this before, but how to be respectful without committing yourself to another person's opinion or advice.
00:25:59
Speaker
We have an episode, episode 12 about intentional parenting. And in that one, we talk a lot about making your decisions.
00:26:08
Speaker
being proud and confident in those decisions. And then just by default, if we're going to offend some people by our decisions and by the way we're raising our children, because nobody's alike. So somebody's going to be offended by the way we're doing it. But we need to, like I was saying, we need to respect ourselves by staying committed to our own
00:26:36
Speaker
what we've decided our own way of parenting so that others can respect that too. Yeah. And I just want to say something really quickly here, and that is you never know who you might influence for good because you were standing up for what you've decided is right for your family. So Audrey and I have shared before that we get a lot of questions about homeschooling online, Instagram, other places, because we talk about it a lot. And I just think
00:27:00
Speaker
you know, what a blessing it is to be able to share advice and encouragement with other moms who are struggling through the same thing that we did in those early years of, is this right for me? Nobody likes what I'm doing. How do I stand firm within my decision? But we can do that because we were respectful of our own desires and beliefs that that was the right thing for our kids. And so instead of constantly thinking like you're going up against the world, think about the other people who are in the
00:27:26
Speaker
the background right who might be looking for something just like you someone just like you to stand up and say nope we're going to do things a little differently that's so powerful yes absolutely that that is so true i love that thought okay the last one number four that we're going to address is having no family close by so we'd be remiss if we didn't acknowledge that many many people would love to have extended clothes
00:27:53
Speaker
extended family close by, but they
Maintaining Distant Family Connections
00:27:55
Speaker
don't. And so we're going to discuss that part of the equation too. Right. I just wanted to start by sharing that we recognize there are pros and cons to both scenarios, right? Having family close by, you can do so many wonderful things together. You can build traditions together. You can repeat some of the same traditions and fun things that you did as children, now as adults and invite your children to participate in that.
00:28:18
Speaker
They get to know extended family, so many wonderful things. Also, like we've talked about, the cons are creating boundaries and still being able to do your own traditions even while family want you to be a part of theirs. And then, of course, when family lives far apart, the cons are, again, missing out on those family traditions. But the pros are that you can create your own new ones and invite strangers to be a part of that as well.
00:28:41
Speaker
So, like I mentioned before, most of my childhood, I think 16 of the 18 years that I was in my parents' home, we lived thousands of miles away from our extended family.
00:28:51
Speaker
And so the things that worked for us were trying to stay in touch with that family right through letters back in the day when we only had snail mail. What a concept, right? And now we have email and Skype and FaceTime and all these easy ways to get a hold of a family member. So, you know, that's always really important to keep that in the forefront. You know, at least monthly, if not weekly, try to reach out to grandparents and others who'd like to see your children and you. We tried to do vacations and family reunions at least once a year with other family members that live far away.
00:29:21
Speaker
And then we tried to do what I mentioned before is like adopting people from our community to be a part of our family. So I can't honestly remember a single holiday, um, growing up where we didn't have some person outside of our family there.
00:29:38
Speaker
We often had missionaries from our church there because they're, you know, living thousands of miles away from home and they needed kind of some comfortable home to have Thanksgiving dinner in it. So we'd always have them. We would often have a lonely neighbor or someone from church who didn't have anyone nearby. And interestingly enough, one of these people actually became a real family member. We had a woman in our church congregation when we lived in the Midwest in Michigan.
00:30:01
Speaker
And she came and was a friend of ours for a long, long time. And then one year, my uncle from California came to visit and they hit it off and they got married. So she went from being this random kind stranger that we invited into our home to our aunt. And I just thought, what a beautiful example of reaching out and bringing in people who needed family. So you never know who could be a part of your life in the future as you try to be family for others.
00:30:28
Speaker
Yeah, that's a really cute story. Okay. I also wanted to mention that there is the possibility of no family living close by because they've passed away. And so we were teasing my husband the other night that he was going to be an awesome grandpa. His kids were going to think that he was an awesome grandpa to their kids because my kids actually have no grandpas. My dad passed away.
00:30:54
Speaker
when our oldest was just a year old. My husband's dad passed away when we were expecting our sixth. Our kids haven't really known a grandpa. We were just teasing him that he's going to be awesome grandpa because our kids don't know what a grandpa is.
00:31:16
Speaker
But anyway, there is that possibility in a relationship in this whole extended family thing too that you wish that there were people there that could be a part of your life that just aren't there because they passed on.
Coping with Family Losses
00:31:30
Speaker
And so we acknowledge that that is a very big part of this as well.
00:31:36
Speaker
And I too had thought of people and friends who are closer than family. Like, you know, we get, we're really close to our neighbors. They're really neat people and our kids play with their kids and more than their cousins because their cousins are, you know, thousands of miles away that are their same age or cousins that are their same age are, you know, they're just not close, the ones that live close by or whatever. So just because we don't have what we're looking for in our extended family doesn't mean
00:32:05
Speaker
We can't ever have any friends or close relationships. Just look around for other people. If there's one thing that being in quarantine taught us, it was how to communicate without being physically in another person's presence. So, you know, Zoom group calls and Skype chats and
00:32:26
Speaker
WhatsApp video calls and all these things that, you know, sending, singing grandpa, happy birthday and sending it to him in a text and, and all these things that, that we do because we can't physically be together. So yes, we can communicate with extended family in, in different ways. Like you were mentioning.
00:32:46
Speaker
Yeah. What a great reminder. And also something that quarantine has taught me is how much I should be saying no to. Like as I'm, you know, and not just with extended family, but with the community, et cetera. Like there are so many wonderful opportunities out there. There are church events and community events and school events and so much opportunity for growth and connection and education and fun. And yet.
00:33:16
Speaker
Good is not the best, right? Just because something is good does not mean it's the best way to spend my time and my children's time. And so if you are feeling like your family just has so many events and so many wonderful things you'd like to be a part of, but it's taking time and effort away from your core family, feel free to say no. I know it's hard. And you feel like a bad person because those people were part of your core family for so many
Prioritizing Core Family
00:33:41
Speaker
years.
00:33:41
Speaker
but life changes and you were you know the bible says you're supposed to leave your family and go to your spouse right and create a new family unit and that is really tricky sometimes but there are ways to do it respectfully kindly lovingly and i'm grateful really for the opportunity of staying home a lot so i can restructure my priorities and make sure that i am giving my core family the most of me you know as much as as much of me in our time as they need
00:34:09
Speaker
So we hope that helps our friend who sent in the email. I know that we're all dealing with each of our situations have a different exact component to them and extended families and in-laws and families and situations are hard. But I think the reason that we all keep struggling with it is because it's worth it. And these are relationships that can be really deep and really special if they're relationships
00:34:38
Speaker
that we can make positive ones and go forward. So we hope something that we've shared today has helped you and write us an email or send us a message if you want us to discuss something specific in further detail. Thanks so much for tuning in. Did you know you can help the podcast in several ways? First up, we're on Patreon and there are three different levels to support us there.
00:35:03
Speaker
Just head to patreon.com slash outnumbered. Next step, if you enjoyed this episode, please leave us a written review on iTunes. It helps other parents find the podcast and receive the help you're enjoying. And finally, you can follow us on Instagram at outnumbered the podcast. We're always having fun over there too. As usual, if you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at outnumbered the podcast at gmail.com. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.
00:35:33
Speaker
Is that your kid or mine? Yes, just a second. You hear that? I didn't know it was mine. I'm almost done. She's got a rolled up piece of paper she's yelling through. Oh, I love that. Yeah, toilet paper too. The rolled up piece of paper says, can we watch a show? No. Oh my goodness.