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14. They Saw Me Get Back Up! - With Stephanie Broncano
71 Plays5 years ago
Listen to Stephanie Broncano as she shares how she's navigated her grief after the passing of her mother as well as helping her kids with their process. She also shares that one of the biggest learning realizations has been knowing that even though her kids have seen her at her lowest point in her life, they've also seen her get back up!
Get in touch with Stephanie: IG @stephshealthyhome
Music: www.rinaldisound.net
Production: Carlos Andres London
Get in touch with Kendra: www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
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Transcript
Joy and Sorrow: An Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
And his words are what stuck with me. He said, it's okay to ask why, like you're free to ask why, but you don't get stuck there. Like you can really get stuck in that why. And he said, he told me, look for God's character to be revealed. And so that's, that was my takeaway.
00:00:18
Speaker
And, yeah, have just seen a lot of goodness. And I really came to an understanding that you can't have joy without sorrow and that these two experiences are really mingled together.
Podcast and Host Introduction
00:00:33
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:41
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:00:57
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Meet the Guest: Stephanie Broncano
00:01:19
Speaker
Welcome to today's episode of Grief, Gratitude and the Great in between. Today we have my friends Stephanie Broncano and Stephanie and I happen to be neighbors as well, even though we didn't meet that way. We happen to be neighbors.
00:01:38
Speaker
And when we met, we totally hit it off and found a commonality in one of our grief experiences and we developed a very quick friendship. Stephanie, I'd like to welcome to the podcast today.
00:01:55
Speaker
Thank you, Kendra. I'm really honored to be here. Thank you. I am so excited that you accepted the invitation to be here. I'm so excited. So Stephanie, tell the listeners a little bit about yourself.
Homeschooling and Life Changes
00:02:09
Speaker
Oh, goodness. Okay. Well,
00:02:11
Speaker
A little bit about me, I have spent the last, I think 11 years as a homeschool mom. Yeah, so you basically can give us all tips now that we're all experiencing and we really aren't really homeschooling. We're just like monitoring, but you literally were homeschooling, correct? Like you were creating the curriculum and everything, right? Well, some of that, but we've done a lot of outsourcing and co-ops and things. So it's been a combination.
00:02:39
Speaker
But we had a very active schedule outside of the home as well as the time in the home. So like everybody else, this has been a major adjustment for sure.
Dealing with Missed Milestones
00:02:49
Speaker
But I have a son who's in college and a daughter who is a graduating senior, such as that is right now.
00:02:58
Speaker
I'm curious how that's going. I'm interested in knowing actually about that since you have a graduating senior, how do you see even that grieving process for her that she won't be able to do the official things that seniors do for their graduation?
00:03:16
Speaker
Well, it's definitely been a grief process really for both of us. Of course, much more so for her. But we're what, seven weeks into this new reality. So I think there's an acceptance maybe of the way things are changing, although there is of course sadness in these changes too.
00:03:35
Speaker
But, you know, people have rallied around, not just my senior, I have seen it everywhere and it's been so beautiful and so precious and something that would not have happened if things just proceeded as normal.
Community Support
00:03:47
Speaker
Yes, I just got chills on that because it is so true. I have seen a lot of support for the class of 2020 and
00:03:57
Speaker
Even when I was walking, Evie, the dog, I saw in one of my neighbor's homes, like their gown was hanging at the door. It's really cute. They had the gown hanging and like a sign and actually balloons on it, you know, and said class of 2020, like really making sure that they were like,
00:04:15
Speaker
honoring their their child that was graduating, you know, and just finding different ways of doing that. So absolutely. Well, that's good that you've had that support. Oh, yeah. From places. I mean, here in our town, somebody started a page to adopt seniors from all the different local schools. And somebody invited us to join. And I said, but we're homeschooled. We're you know, we live in the district, but we haven't used the district. And I had two moms say that doesn't matter.
00:04:45
Speaker
So my daughter went to adopt a senior. How does it work? I'll send you a link to that But it was it's a Facebook group and I put in some photos and talked about her
00:04:56
Speaker
experience as a student all these years and somebody we don't even know adopted her and now become my Facebook friend and has sent her some small gifts and I've had the opportunity to reconnect with a family that we had known when we lived in a different town who now live here and we've you know gotten to reconnect and I got to adopt their senior so it's this really beautiful circle.
00:05:17
Speaker
of giving that's going on right now. So you see that right there even just when they were just kind of that's not really the whole topic of today but even just touching on that aspect of the grief and then that gratitude that came of that process of her not being able all these seniors are not able to really celebrate in the way that they were intended to or expected to because of those expectations were crushed right and then now changing it and all that support and all you know that community
00:05:47
Speaker
effort to make sure that they feel special. And that's the gratitude that comes in sometimes these hard moments. So thank you for sharing that. So you have your son in college, a graduating senior, and then... I have an eighth, eighth grader. One more. Eighth grader, so three, three, three. Oh, I was adding another one. I was adding another one. I've never met your children.
00:06:06
Speaker
Oh, my goodness. I've never met them. Okay, well, we need to change that. Oh, no, did I meet your daughter? I met your daughter. I met your daughter. Did I meet your daughter at one of our events? Now I'm trying to. Possibly. Oh, yes. Yes, I met your daughter. Yes, you did. You met my middle one. Yes, in Nashville. Okay. Yes, in Nashville. Yes, so we see each other. This is the funny part. Okay. The people are going to get a kick out of our little story.
A Friendship Formed
00:06:29
Speaker
So we met again, and many of our listeners probably are going to be like, again, she's saying she knows this person through her health and wellness company.
00:06:36
Speaker
But it's the truth. I've met a lot of my really good friends through this. So we met at an event in, we live outside of Dallas, but we met an event in the Dallas area for our company. And that's when we met. And then from there on, oh, and then we realized we were neighbors, like that we literally lived three minutes away from each other, walking maybe like seven minutes away.
00:07:02
Speaker
And from there on, every time we'd see each other would be in another state, Nashville and in Arizona. But we'd rarely be able to see each other here. And the other day we ran the I say the other day when it happened like three months ago, but we ran into each other at the grocery store like it like what time was it like late like it's before not the grocery was the pharmacy. Yes.
00:07:29
Speaker
what like 10 o'clock at night or something before 30 at night. Yeah. And we were like screaming like we like had been like lost lost long, you know, friends that had never seen each other. But we got so excited that we ran into each other actually in town.
00:07:49
Speaker
Yeah, it was fun. It was fun. So yeah, so we, as you can see, we have a fun, a fun dynamic of friendship here. The two of us. So, so Steph, so one of the reasons we really did connect Stephanie was when we were talking about, um,
00:08:03
Speaker
the fact that we both had lost our moms, that both our moms passed away. And that was one of the topics of our conversation when we talked. So is that what you'd like to share today? Was that your first grieving experience, the one with your mom, or at least the most recent one?
Coping with Loss: Mother's Passing
00:08:23
Speaker
That was well yeah I mean I'd had other grief experiences I lost my father before and I lost him when my youngest child was two months old. So that was what 14 going on 15 years ago.
00:08:37
Speaker
Yeah, but my mom, it was just different. It was the big one for me. Yeah. Gosh, and I can already feel the emotions well enough. Yeah. Yes. And I kind of prefaced with you before we started recording that it is totally okay if anything. And if there's anything you kind of want to hold off on that topic, talking absolutely okay, but also
00:09:02
Speaker
If the emotions come out, it's just part of the process. So it's a safe space. So your mom, has it been six years? Yeah, it'll be seven years, September 11th of this year. So she died on 9-11 of 2013.
00:09:20
Speaker
of 2013. And that day, it was hard for many different levels, right? It was a sudden death and share a little bit of that aspect. You don't have to go into too many details, but a little bit because it affected the family in a big way. Yes, it did. It did. Well, of course, I'm homeschooling my kids. So my kids got to see everything happening in real time.
00:09:46
Speaker
And my mother was, she passed away as a result of a car accident and it was in Philadelphia and we were here in the Dallas area. Earlier that morning, we had actually watched a documentary that a high school friend had made about 9-11 because he knew people who had escaped the towers. I'm from that part of the country. So there were a lot of connections with everything that happened on 9-11, 2001. So I'd shared that with my children in the morning. It's always a very emotional,
00:10:15
Speaker
you know, time reflecting on that. And then in the afternoon, I got the call that my mom had been in a car accident on the other side of the country. And my mom was, I mean, she was 86, she was not young, but she was a very independent person. And she was really, in a lot of ways, the way she left this earth was extremely appropriate for who she was. She's not somebody who would have done well, growing old in a chair, dealing with health issues.
00:10:41
Speaker
So she left the world active. And that's a blessing. Which is how she was. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a blessing in disguise. Yeah. So it was hard on the people left behind, but I can recognize that for her it was the right death for her. And that does bring comfort. It really does. You don't want to think of your parents. I have chills everywhere right now.
00:11:04
Speaker
My body, it's like, yeah, it's feeling that you can already recognize that aspect, that for her own, the personality she had, that this was the right way for her to leave this mortal world. Yeah, I didn't come to grips with that right away, but yeah. Did she pass immediately in the car accident? No. Was she at the hospital first?
The Chaos of Grief
00:11:35
Speaker
Yeah, she's at the hospital. They had to use jaws of life to get her out of the car. And she was at the hospital, had several blood transfusions, and she was just broken the entire right side of her body. And at her age, even had she survived, she would have had not good quality of life. But they did try to save her.
00:11:56
Speaker
There were a lot of confused phone calls back and forth across the country. That's what I was going to even ask you. Oh, no, that happened. Those confused phone calls happened when my sister passed away. Same thing. When they called you, was she still alive? Well, yes. I was getting phone calls that she was alive, but in surgery, then I got a call. It's very bad. You need to get here.
00:12:23
Speaker
Um, and I was like, what do I do? I was kind of trying to be somewhat normal and I was running errands and, and just like, what do I do? Cause I'm across the country. I can't just sit in my house and shut down and wait. I have to keep moving forward. Yeah. Yes. I kept busy. So I got a call from one of my sisters. Do you see it now? I'm sorry to interrupt you. Do you see it now? Do you think when you were keeping busy, do you see it as if maybe it was a way of.
00:12:50
Speaker
knowing that there was this helplessness feeling, this helpless feeling and that it's like, okay, if I'm keep busy, I know that I can at least control that aspect of my life in that moment. Is that a little bit of you think that looking back, you think that was your coping mechanism?
00:13:06
Speaker
Yes, the thought of sitting in my home waiting for news was like, you know We kept going and I so I got a call from my sister saying okay It's worse than we thought you need to make arrangements get on a plane I was driving with my then seven-year-old almost eight-year-old in the back and Making some calls from the car
00:13:25
Speaker
You know, okay. I had a commitment that following day. I can't be there What do I need to do next? I need to call my husband what you know, just all this as I'm driving, which is not smart I mean, this is a car accident related situation. But so my sister called me and Said are you sitting down? Where are you and I said I'm in the car driving. Don't say a word Don't say a word and I said, let me get off the road and I knew obviously I knew
00:13:53
Speaker
And so I barely made it into the parking lot as she told me of a gas station so unfortunately what she witnessed was not very pretty and was very Difficult for her because she saw me break down So you know, I called my husband he came and got me and
00:14:16
Speaker
just kind of went from there the next day I got on a plane there wasn't anything to be done at that point but to just go be with family so I just kind of disappeared for a week and went to be with my they're my half siblings so we went and we just kind of all convened at my sister's house just kind of like what's next what do we do next and went through the next steps together well my husband held down the fort with the kids
Finding Comfort in Memories
00:14:44
Speaker
So yeah, it was a very intense experience. And it's also really intense when you're in that moment of the when you when you get there and all the I don't think people like that first week, it's like all the things you do in order to prepare for
00:15:03
Speaker
funeral or whatever you know memorial or this or that that sometimes it just doesn't really even allow you time sometimes to even really feel because you're just kind of doing things that have to do about the death did you notice that happening when you guys were there for that first week that like the first few days when you arrived.
00:15:23
Speaker
Well, it was just very, we did a lot of just kind of, we were in the house altogether, but there were just decisions that had to be made. And because I was the only one flying from across the country and, you know, I took a spirit flight because this was unexpected. I took a cheap flight. And so there were delays getting there. And honestly, it was more than 24 hours before I got there because of these delays and some decisions had been made, but, um,
00:15:57
Speaker
Yeah, there was a lot of just kind of being there, kind of what next? And we had spread all of her paperwork on the table, including her will. And we were just also scrambled. We would just kind of take turns walking over to that table to figure out what the next step was and what did we need to look at. And interestingly enough, in that time, I flipped over like a Manila folder that had her will in it.
00:16:10
Speaker
Are you the eldest daughter? I'm the youngest.
00:16:27
Speaker
And my mom, bless her heart, she's always taking care of us to the end. My East Coast girl who's like so southern now here. I know, bless her heart, y'all. And I flipped over this envelope and in her handwriting she had said, smile, I'm in heaven. She had left us that message. Oh my gosh, no. No. Yes. Because she wanted us to be joyful in her absence.
00:16:53
Speaker
That is amazing. What a beautiful... Okay, I'm taking notes on that to do that on my will. Imagine that that's what your loved ones see in that moment that they don't even know. What a beautiful little message to leave. What did you feel in that moment when you opened? It was in her handwriting. Oh, I couldn't believe it. It was like she was there and it was just like she wants us to know everything's okay.
00:17:19
Speaker
and that we can be sad because we miss her, but don't be sad for her. She's better than ever. She's crossed that threshold, that unknown.
00:17:29
Speaker
You know, she's done that difficult thing. And so we can rejoice for her. That is so beautiful. That is so beautiful.
Reconciling Joy and Sorrow
00:17:37
Speaker
Now, talking about that and that outlook on it, would you say that those beliefs about your beliefs, your spiritual beliefs, your religious beliefs have played a huge part in your grieving process and helping you in that process? Yeah.
00:17:59
Speaker
They have. But an interesting note to that. Well, I have to backtrack a little because I grew up in church and had been very active in church. And I went through a season, probably in my late 30s, early 40s of questioning my faith and questioning everything. And I was kind of coming out on the other side of that when this happened. So it was almost like I got to start fresh.
00:18:26
Speaker
with kind of all the baggage removed and just really look for what was essential and really real to hang on to. I kind of already- Back to the core. Yes. Yes. I had already jettisoned a lot of the extraneous things. Back to the core of your beliefs. Yeah. So I reached out in that time. Yeah, go ahead.
00:18:50
Speaker
No, no, no, go ahead. I think we have like a little of a delay. So like if we end up interrupting each other, it's just because they're probably just a tidbit of a delay. Go ahead, honey. You reached out. Okay. I reached out to someone whose book I had read that just kind of resonated with me. I don't remember if it's email or Facebook. I don't even know. I had one conversation with this. It was a former pastor and his words are what stuck with me. He said, it's okay to ask why. Like you're free to ask why, but you don't get stuck there. Like you can really get stuck in that why.
00:19:20
Speaker
And he said, he told me, look for God's character to be revealed. And so that's, that was my takeaway. And yeah, I've just seen a lot of goodness. And I really came to an understanding that you can't have joy without sorrow, and that these two experiences are really mingled together. And that's kind of how I, you know, walked out of that experience understanding that.
00:19:49
Speaker
That is, that is so powerful because a lot of times there is a moment that sometimes people feel a little guilty when they feel joy, even in moments in which they're grieving. Like if they suddenly laugh or something, you know, they're like, Oh no, wait, no. Well, I shouldn't be feeling this way because I'm supposed to be sad. But it is like you just said, it is intertwined and it's, uh,
00:20:15
Speaker
And it actually, a lot of times, I know for me, laughter is a huge, huge part of how actually I grieve. Humor is one of the things how I grieve. So it is just so unique to everybody. You know how they express it.
00:20:33
Speaker
Did you find that you all did, like in your family then, did you all have similar, I know you said you kind of were in that, you had just been in that questioning kind of period of your life and then just reconnecting again with God and your beliefs. Was it different for your other siblings?
00:20:57
Speaker
I think so they're quite a bit older than me so they were and their children are grown so they were in a different phase altogether of their lives.
00:21:09
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, they definitely clung to their faith very strongly and probably helped me in being able to do the same thing. Did you feel, you mentioned their children were grown.
The Grieving Process and Parenting
00:21:21
Speaker
Did you think that the added component to your grief was also helping your children navigate that grief of losing their grandmother? Yes. And just, yeah. And being
00:21:34
Speaker
You know, again, homeschooling them through all this. I had many people tell me I needed to put them in school because it was too much for me to handle, but I'm a little stubborn. And I said, no, I'm going to continue to do what I feel I want to do. So my children saw the grief. They saw, they saw me low, low, but they also saw me get back up.
00:21:58
Speaker
That is so important. And when you mentioned about your daughter having seen you when you heard the news and how you felt like maybe that was traumatic, I think that actually that is such a gift that you gave her because
00:22:16
Speaker
Kids do need to see us experience all these different emotions because if not, then how else do we learn as children to know how to navigate our emotional emotions? You know, we talk about the emotional intelligence and all these kinds of things. I think that a lot of times people don't know how to navigate them because they've never seen them expressed in their parents.
00:22:37
Speaker
They've never seen their parents cry or never seen their parents be sad or you know what I mean? I think it's a gift that you gave them, showing them that and the fact that you did get back up and it gives them that hope. Oh, wow.
00:22:57
Speaker
Now what were some of, you always what? I hope that that's true. So thank you for that. Oh, I mean, that is on my book. I believe that. I mean, I am very, with my kids, they've seen every single emotion in the process, also our grief. And sometimes they don't understand because then they've asked like, but you said you were happy that, well, hello.
00:23:23
Speaker
By the way, her dog was responsible for her breaking her finger. I have to ask you how you're healing, by the way. I could hear the dog in the back. Oh my gosh. Sorry, that's a little side note. This is real life. We're home. My dog is actually sleeping right here next to me as I'm talking.
00:23:44
Speaker
What I was going to say is when my son would be confused, because sometimes when I would be crying and I'd say sorry, it's because I'm missing my mom right now. He's like, but you said you were happy that she passed away. I'm like, I'm not saying I was happy that she passed away. I'm happy that she passed away the way she wanted to pass away.
00:24:02
Speaker
and that we were all there and that she's okay, but I still miss her. And so it's that duality of emotions and being able again to express it. I think it's valid, but invaluable. Now, what are some of the little things you've done to help you in this whole mourning process? Clinging to your faith, holding on to your beliefs,
00:24:30
Speaker
expressing your emotions, what other things are things that have helped you in this grieving process? And again, it's a process, it's a journey and it will continue. So what are some of the things that you did early on and maybe some of the things that you do because it changes? It does. Well, like you said about humor, I had one funny thing I used to watch over and over and it was something my mom had thought was funny.
00:24:52
Speaker
that I didn't know about till after she passed. And I would just sit there and watch this clip over and over. You know, I'd go from tears to laughter and back again. Was it? What was it? Oh, goodness. Do you remember the sweet brown with ain't nobody got time for that? Do you remember that? Oh, yes. Oh, my gosh, that was
00:25:09
Speaker
with the whole song, the whole song that they did with that. Anybody got time for that? Yeah. Yeah. So my mom was more hip than me because I didn't know about that. And then one of my siblings was like, mom thought this was funny. Have you ever seen this? And I just watched that over and over for the months ahead and laughed so hard. And then I did a lot of... Because you can just imagine her laughing.
00:25:32
Speaker
Oh, I could. I could. Absolutely. She's funny because she could be very proper, but she could also be very rambunctious. I don't know. She had kind of a, she had both sides to her. So that just made it extra funny to me that she liked it. Okay. So watching a video, what other little things? Oh, I took a lot of long walks, a lot of long walks, listened to a lot of music.
00:25:56
Speaker
Sometimes it was really sad music just you know Just music music is healing to me. Somebody told me drink a lot of water. So I drank a lot of water I journaled, you know, just trying to get my my thoughts clear Ask you when you journal when you journal would you do entries like of what your emotions were in that moment? Or would you do entries as if you were talking to her? I
00:26:22
Speaker
It was more me getting my thoughts out. And so sometimes it'd be recording things that happened and then, you know, how I felt about them. And yeah, it was it was it was definitely just me processing my thoughts. Trying to think what else did I do? Well, I joined a group called Group Share and I had, yeah, prayer. I found a community of people who were grieving and
00:26:52
Speaker
I spent some time there. I got a grief coach just because I felt because
00:26:59
Speaker
My kids were with me and I had these responsibilities. I couldn't have that time during the day when they were in school. I felt like I needed somebody to help me process. So I did have a grief coach for just about a month, not a long time, but just to kind of help me. And some useful information she gave me was that sometimes we have to let people know what we need because people, if they haven't been through it, they don't know. And maybe they have been through it, but they're a different person than you are.
00:27:28
Speaker
It seems kind of strange, but it's almost the responsibility of the grieving person to let people know what they need, because people don't. They don't know. And so being open about that. That is huge. And also, how people express, were there any little phrases or things of when people would express their condolences, per se, to you? Were there any things that
00:27:51
Speaker
people say that you remember that brought you comfort or and where there are also things that actually would like kind of like oh that did not strike the right because a lot of times again like what your coach would say people don't know they even if they've experienced it they're still a different person so do
Community in Grief
00:28:09
Speaker
you recall like sometimes those like hallmark hallmark kind of comments that people say that are just so standard um
00:28:18
Speaker
They come with good intention. They do. Anything that starts with the word at least is probably not helpful. I think Brene Brown says that too. I heard that from some people. I think I've forgotten a lot of the things that really dinged me at the time. I guess that's Grace coming washed off me. Yeah, and again, because people aren't doing it.
00:28:44
Speaker
Yeah, people aren't doing it with ill intent. It literally is. I mean, I've done it. I've done it. And I am one of those that is so cautious about not saying those particular things that are like, you know, like automatic pilot, but all of a sudden it just comes out and then I'm like, oh, wait, wait, let me just.
00:29:02
Speaker
Let me just take that back a second because I just said something that was not, you know, and I say, I'm sorry, I just use my automatic pilot. That's not what I meant to say. It's an automated response.
00:29:15
Speaker
Yeah, I know I've said dumb things and, you know, not been the most supportive person even after going through this brief experience. Just, we're human. No, we're human. And again, somebody else, that those words may be, may bring somebody, maybe the at least, maybe bring somebody else comfort, those at least, she's in a good place, at least, she's not suffering, at least, you got to say goodbye, at least, whatever the,
00:29:44
Speaker
whatever the at least comes for somebody, it may bring comfort. But again, a lot of it too is timing. Sometimes those at least, you're more ready to hear those later on than in that moment when you're just feeling that freshness of this news and you're still digesting it really yourself. Okay, so now what things did you do to help the kids in that process too?
00:30:14
Speaker
Well, early on I went a little overboard. I was already a little concerned about my youngest and her being the youngest, there were times that she was already maybe watching too much TV or whatever, just in a busy household. So I kind of went a little crazy trying to get everybody to express their feelings.
00:30:34
Speaker
a little bit over moored. You know, we have to talk about him. Yeah, it's job picture. Yeah, yeah, I did because I'm I'm much more expressive and open. That's how I cope. But not everybody's like that. And as the mom, I felt like I had to make sure they were okay. And, you know, disaster. Yeah.
00:31:00
Speaker
See, that's why we vibe. Yes, we are. That is right. Because we both are the same. Yeah, I'm like that too. And then I realized, well, I guess not everybody wants to share, but yes, I'm the same. But how do you really feel? Like, no, but really like. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. So that was at the beginning. What other things then later on? Goodness. I, you know, I don't really know
00:31:29
Speaker
Sounds crazy. I mean, we just kind of went on. They're all very distinct personalities. I know my son doesn't express as much still. He's much more private and he's in his head. But I remember one day, I don't know if it was a year or two later, he sent me lyrics to a song. Not a song that I knew, but it was directly related to breathing. And so that was his way of reaching out to me.
00:31:54
Speaker
Letting me know he understood letting me know he had his own grief journey, you know, even though he may not show it That was beautiful. That was How old was very time? Oh gosh in his teens because he was a freshman when she passed so he was probably Maybe 16 when that happened when he sent me that mm-hmm never said a whole lot but Yeah that that was powerful and then my middle daughter she's she's a
00:32:24
Speaker
She's a connector by nature. She finds her people. She got involved in a small group at church and had a lot of support there. And my youngest, I mean, the girls talk to me. So I feel like we've had an open dialogue as they've needed to. You know, my youngest recently did tell me she, I don't remember her words, but she was talking about that experience in the car when we got the news and still, you know, that's still there.
00:32:53
Speaker
It's there, but it's also because it's the first time they've probably seen you in that vulnerable state too. So it was definitely surprising. Oh yeah, my son tells me, I remember when you cried when I, you know, like when, you know, but specifically like it because I might've had a meltdown because
00:33:12
Speaker
He wasn't doing something he should have, something like that, you know, and he's like, I remember when you cried that time and that was like, I don't know, he was four, you know, but it was the fact that he saw me get to that point of actually crying that he remembers. So yeah, it's different for them.
00:33:27
Speaker
Yeah. So, um, so then, okay. So she, she recalls that. And so you have those conversations that, and so she, the middle one is the one that had the grief support at well, or friends that's in church. You had the, you would go to the grief support did, and then you had the grief coach, the grief support. How long did you go to that organization?
00:33:47
Speaker
Well, it was supposed to be an eight week course and I probably only made it to half of them because of just, you know, busy mom schedule. So I did what I could there. But at the end of that, we did something neat. We gathered for a meal and it was in my home. Everybody brought food. It was a potluck and we brought pictures of our loved ones who we were grieving and we shared and just sort of had some closure around that time that we had all shared in that group.
00:34:14
Speaker
really honoring our loved ones. And I remember one of the men had lost his son to the flu and he shared the, you know, picture slideshow from his funeral and it was a very powerful
00:34:27
Speaker
experience and I haven't continued on in those people's lives and they have it in mind, but there's that very special connection that took place in those needs that we all needed it. Yeah, exactly. When you guys needed that support and it's still a connection that's there regardless of whether you talk to them or not because you all helped each other in that process. And I think peer support is important. I mean, even just the organization in which I volunteer that is a peer based
00:34:56
Speaker
uh, organization, peer support, peers. Oh my gosh. I can't say that. Peer-based support, my Spanish comes in, peer-based support. Um, and it is just so important because then you don't feel alone. And that's again, why with this podcast too, is people that are listening are like, Oh my gosh, Oh, I've done that too. Like, you know, um, even just the fact that we have those conversations like you and I even talking about things that we had not even
00:35:23
Speaker
been able to let go, like I had not been able to delete my mom's phone out of my phone and things that are hard to let go of because you're still in that process, even if it's been years. And so knowing that you're not alone just also brings a little bit of that comfort that you're like, oh, wait, I'm not that insane. Right. Absolutely. It's normal. I'm just going through this.
00:35:49
Speaker
So nowadays, what are some of the things that you all do as a family and that you do in special occasions like her birthday or holidays?
Keeping Memories Alive
00:36:01
Speaker
Are there certain things that you do to honor her memory?
00:36:07
Speaker
You know, I talk about her almost every day. Just, mom would have liked this. She would have said this. This reminds me of her. And I try to keep her memory there for my kids because, you know, they were young when they lost her. For a long time, she would come and visit us. She would alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving and sometimes Easter to kind of work around seeing us and her other kids and their kids.
00:36:31
Speaker
So for, you know, and I still do this sometimes, I'll set the table for six instead of five and say that's Nana's chair.
00:36:39
Speaker
you know Christmas is special because you know I have a very sentimental tree full of ornaments and you know my sister gave me some that had been on my mom's tree that I remember from my childhood so it's it's a wonderful memory when I get to pull those things out and just reminiscing she was a painter I have paintings around my house oh that is a great way of remembering
00:37:04
Speaker
Now, how about, are there any particular recipes or things like that that were passed down that you do in special occasions? Well, she was a better cook than me. I must confess. Okay. So yours is like the, what is it? The failed, the nailed or failed it, like that show. Yeah. Well, I really, I have two that I, yeah. They're not as good as hers, but hey, it's my effort.
00:37:33
Speaker
But yeah, I make a carrot pudding usually for Thanksgiving, which she made. And she didn't make that until I was an adult, but I loved it. Is that as a dessert? Well, usually we serve it as part of the main meal, but it is very sweet. It's like a souffle and it's delicious.
00:37:49
Speaker
And then the thing that she made, you know, forever and ever that I love to make is chocolate bread pudding. And I usually make that during the holidays a couple of times, Christmas, maybe New Year's. Yeah. Do you do it in the crock pot or do you do it in the oven? Like what? Well, I've had crock pot bread pudding and oven. I do the oven, you know, I scald the milk on the stove and do all that and then stick it in the oven. It's actually extremely easy, which is why I can do it.
00:38:18
Speaker
You might have to reveal some of these family recipes that are not top secret. I love bread pudding, but right now I'm doing gluten-free for a little while, and so I'd have to do a gluten-free bread pudding. I don't know how that would taste.
00:38:35
Speaker
I thought about making gluten-free bread and doing that, but I've never quite gotten myself to do that step. And those things did bring also that comfort, that connection to her. So seeing her painting, seeing the ornaments on your tree, cooking these meals from your childhood that you knew that she could cook better than you, but you still are attempting and passing them down to your kids.
00:39:04
Speaker
All these things. Yeah. All those things are things that bring you comfort in this journey. Yes. Absolutely. And just memories. Memories. Yeah. And I love that you always talk about it. I love that, especially
00:39:21
Speaker
With my kids, I talk a lot about my sister, even though she passed away before, you know, they weren't before I was even married. And so I always talk about her, too, in that way, just so that they know her, you know, like, oh, she used to do this or that, you know, so that they get to know a little bit about the character and stuff. So I think that that's important, at least for me and my process that's been helpful and it looks like it is for you as well.
00:39:47
Speaker
Now, what are the things that you have found that you can be grateful of this
Personal Growth and Purpose
00:39:53
Speaker
experience? What are some of the things of who you are now that you believe would not be ... Oh my gosh, it's hard to say, right? That's kind of hard, but yeah, what things do you feel?
00:40:06
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. So go ahead and take on my really choppy description of where the things of what you are now that you feel are attributed in your growth based on what you experienced.
00:40:21
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah. Now this is big. Um, you know, my mom had raised me as a single, single mom and she had her older kids from her first marriage and then me, she and my dad had divorced. So I have, you know, I have five half siblings between the two of them, but it was just me as a product of the two of them. And she and I, you know, we were a little team. I said this at her funeral. We were, we were like a little team, the two of us. And so, um,
00:40:51
Speaker
You know, I was 43 when she passed. She was 86. She'd had a long life, but I really had to learn how to be my own person and how to stand on my own two feet. And to, I feel like sometimes, I don't know, it's too easy to think, I need my mom's advice. I need my, what would my mom think? I need, I need my mom right now, right? I mean, I still feel that way sometimes.
00:41:16
Speaker
But not having her here has meant that I've had to find some answers for myself.
00:41:24
Speaker
I feel like I could have either withered and fallen apart completely or used this as a catalyst to move forward. And I think I've done that. And I think she'd be very proud of me. I started to get into personal development, which led me into finding our nutrition company that we both love. And it's just been a lot of steps. My temperament is I'm very concerned with knowing what is my purpose. That's how I want to live.
00:41:53
Speaker
And I feel like going through this experience has just deepened that desire in me. You know, life is beautiful and it's meaningful. And again, joy and sorrow are mingled together. And you really can't experience one fully without the other. And so this experience has just, I don't know, it's kind of been, I hate, it sounds weird, almost like rocket fuel for me to go forward and not get stuck.
00:42:22
Speaker
All that, that you said everything, so valuable, so valuable. The fact that even though here you were already a mom of three, married, and that still you still needed to jump and fly out of the nest and knowing that you could do that on your own. And I think that that's what these last few years have taught you is like how strong you really are and that your wings were strong enough to fly.
00:42:49
Speaker
even though you didn't even know that before because like you said you were just relying on her and you didn't know that you were capable of being able to find answers for yourself you know of certain things and raising your kids and having to do it you know now as the teens without having to consult it with your mom do you mom do you think I should let them go to the
00:43:11
Speaker
from or do you think I should, you know what I mean? Knowing that you had to come up with those decisions and that is a huge learning and how has that been a benefit in your family dynamics as well, that growth and how has it affected even just that whole family dynamic? Well, goodness.
00:43:41
Speaker
Well, I would say, yeah, no, I'm just thinking there's like so many directions I could go. But at the time that she passed, I really was in that season where my entire focus was on my family and of course homeschooling them. And I really had kind of lost a little bit of myself.
00:44:00
Speaker
you know, blessed that I've gotten to do what I've done, I wouldn't change a thing. But again, how has that changed the dynamic is that I, you know, I'm becoming more fully me. And while that's sometimes challenging to my family, ultimately, they benefit from that. And I know that when they have to go through grief, it's not something they
00:44:24
Speaker
will have no experience. And when they grieve the loss of my husband or myself someday, and hopefully it's a long time in the future, but preparing them for that.
00:44:36
Speaker
You know what? That's a big thing that you're saying because a lot of times as parents, we feel that by sheltering our children, we're protecting them. But a lot of times, it ends up being sometimes more harmful. And so by us doing everything for them, then they don't learn that they have the capacity of doing it themselves. So by you being able to
00:45:02
Speaker
take more time for yourself and having them be a little bit more independent and knowing that they can handle that is not only a preparation for when we're not around, for when you're not around, even when they go to college, even when they move out of college, it doesn't even have to be of when we pass away, right? Even just when they move on to the next steps of their lives that they feel that they're capable enough to be able to make those decisions and things in their life without always relying on the parents.
00:45:29
Speaker
That is a huge learning that you had and a huge gift that you're now giving them.
Embracing Joy and Sorrow
00:45:38
Speaker
And it probably can be a little painful right in the process, like you said, not that they totally get it, but at the same time, it's a big gift. It's a big gift that you're giving them.
00:45:48
Speaker
So that is beautiful. Well, Steph, that's been amazing listening to your story, the full story of everything, because again, I only really knew about your mom's passing, but all the journey and the growth and all the beautiful outcomes from it.
00:46:03
Speaker
And again, that intertwining of the joy and the sorrow that you mentioned and embracing that and knowing that it's okay to feel both emotions. That is a huge takeaway on my end. And I'm sure the listeners will have many takeaways from what this conversation has brought up. So I'm just so grateful. I'm so grateful. Is there anything else you wanted to share?
00:46:28
Speaker
Or did you get everything out of it? I know there's a lot of... Yeah, there's always more, but this was wonderful. Kendra, thank you so much. I really appreciate this time to talk with you. I am so grateful. And I'll put in the show notes how they can find you on Instagram if people want to follow your journey and your health and wellness journey or your grief journey when you share things there too. Is your Instagram one public?
00:46:57
Speaker
Is your great Instagram account public? Well, I have a business account that's public. Okay, so I'll put that one in the show notes. Yeah, that's great. Perfect. I'll put that one in the show notes and that way they can follow along and also I'm sure get a lot of homeschooling tips there as well.
00:47:18
Speaker
So, thank you, my friend. Oh, thank you. Okay, big hug. It's so hard to say goodbye sometimes on these podcasts, because I just want to keep the conversation going. Oh, yeah. I understand. Thank you again, my dear. Love you. Same, honey. I love you, too.
00:47:40
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:48:08
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.