Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
91. I Was Done Putting Up a Front- With Danielle Remigio
84 Plays3 years ago
Danielle Remigio is a Student Affairs professional, writer, trainer, and TEDx speaker based in the Boston, Massachusetts area. She has a B.A. in Psychology from Western New England University and an M.S. in College Student Development & Counseling from Northeastern University. Her grief journey began in 2016 when she lost her mother, paternal grandfather, and father within 18 months of one another. Danielle has gone on to engage in conversations about the true needs of those grieving and gave her TEDxTalk in March of 2021 entitled "Cleaning Up the Grief Process" to help people understand how to approach the uncomfortable process of grief in their communities. She wants to grow and connect with others to normalize conversations around grief and reduce the stigma around the emotional processes we go through. Danielle is currently in the process of writing a memoir about her experiences to continue to share her life with anyone who could benefit from it.
Contact Danielle Remigio:
https://www.danielleremigio.com/
https://www.instagram.com/dl_remigio/
TedXTalk: https://youtu.be/azVaK5vLlgM
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest on the podcast, to have as a guest on a podcast or event or for coaching services: https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
Recommended
Transcript
Living Fully and Letting Go
00:00:01
Speaker
You know, we don't have time to waste to just sit on the ugly. And I still struggle with that. I think we all do. I tend to be a people pleaser type of person and I want to do right by people.
00:00:16
Speaker
I think it's, I've been through enough that I just want to live my life the way that I think I should and do the best I can in the process. So I think that's the biggest lesson I've learned is just to kind of let go of the expectations that I think I perceived or put on me that I don't know if they actually existed and I'm getting better at it. I'm not great, but it's a, it's a growth process just like anything else.
Introducing the Podcast and Hosts
00:00:49
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:13
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:34
Speaker
Welcome to today's episode. Today, I will be chatting with Danielle Remigio. Danielle lives in the Boston area.
Danielle Remigio: Career and Personal Background
00:01:45
Speaker
She is a student affairs professional. She actually had a TEDx talk, and that's actually how I found her, was through this TEDx talk about grief that she did.
00:01:59
Speaker
And the topic of that TEDx talk is called cleaning up the grief process. So today we'll be chatting about her, her grief journey, as well as everything that's come from that and all the growth. So welcome, Danielle. Yeah, thanks for having me.
00:02:19
Speaker
Thank you for being here. So let's start a little bit with just some chit chat. So tell us a little more about where you live and what you do. So you said student affairs. So let's talk about that, your work. Yeah. So I have been a New England person my whole life, pretty much in the Boston area. I grew up about
00:02:41
Speaker
a half hour north of the city. Now I live about a half hour south of the city. I lived in Rhode Island for a little bit. I went to school in Springfield, Mass. So pretty much Mass and Rhode Island have been my place. But when I went to college, I realized I really wanted to work with college-age students. And that's when I got my master's in. And I did a lot of work in emergency response, mental health counseling in a college setting, not in a counseling center, but through my work in housing.
00:03:10
Speaker
And I realized that there's just so many ways that you can impact people and I've felt really good about it. I joke, my parents are kind of an amalgamation of what I became professionally because my mom primarily was a stay at home mom and my dad was in law enforcement as a police officer. You put those together and I kind of joke that that's residents life at a college. And now I work in student conduct, conflict resolution, managing crisis, following up on issues.
Empathy and Student Affairs
00:03:40
Speaker
I kind of bring an empathetic edge to the processes with all that stuff. Um, and I've been doing it for about 13 years. So it's been, uh, it's been a great time. You look like a college student yourself. No, no, no, I actually, I finished my undergrad degree, uh, just over 10 years ago at this point, but I've been masters eight years ago.
00:04:04
Speaker
Yeah. Thank you. That makes me feel good. Yeah, you do. You're so young. So you were mentioning then all the things that your parents did. Do you have siblings that you grew up with siblings and a big family, small family, a lot of family around you. Tell us a little bit about that upbringing.
00:04:22
Speaker
Yeah, I have a massive family. But in the household, it was my parents and my sister and I. So I have one younger sister. She's four years younger. She's great. She works with kids. So I, you know, I work with the college age and she works with babies.
00:04:38
Speaker
and absolutely loves it, so that's really great. But we're two of 12 grandkids on my dad's side of the family, and he has a significantly large extended family. Some are in this area, but most are actually in Canada, because that's where he grew up when he was a child.
00:04:57
Speaker
And then my mom's side is just as big. It's very large, not as many first cousins for me on that side, but it's still, it's a very large extended family. I always have a cousin doing something and my friends get confused, like, which cousin is this? Because there's just a lot of us, but it's really great when there's 17 people my age and younger when I'm at Christmas.
00:05:20
Speaker
It's a great, great feeling. We're all really close. We have, you know, text message group chains, we have a fantasy football league, you know, all these, all these different things to try to connect us, but definitely a really great close-knit family.
00:05:35
Speaker
So they're like your framily. They could be your friends and your family, all your cousins. Absolutely. Yeah. Like, no need for friends when you have 17 cousins all your age or something. I know. Yeah. That's
Impact of the Pandemic on Roles
00:05:50
Speaker
awesome.
00:05:50
Speaker
Now, regarding the career that you do in this last few years with the pandemic and so forth, did you still work in the same capacity? Because I know a lot of kids ended up doing some of these semesters at home. So how did your role change in what you did in the last couple of years?
00:06:11
Speaker
Yeah, so it definitely shifted where the staff that I oversaw did a lot of work to help the students that were still on campus. So the school that I worked at still had some people that were on. So there was still a lot of emergencies, a lot of
00:06:27
Speaker
mental health and I feel like you know relevant to this people were grieving their past life of what it was like before the pandemic or they were grieving that they didn't have a senior year of high school that was normal or a first year of college that they considered normal so there was a lot more issues that we were trying to help with in that regard. It was nice in a way you know I got to work from home a couple days a week which I had never been able to do really
00:06:54
Speaker
But otherwise it was it was pretty similar, still handling emergencies and and
Grief and Life Transitions
00:06:59
Speaker
dealing with students that were having a hard time adjusting completely understandably. It was definitely it's a hard time for the world to have to try to manage what a new normal looks like and letting go of what was because I don't think it'll ever be exactly the same.
00:07:15
Speaker
Yeah, you touched on something that I always talk about in this podcast, even in my intro, that it's about changes and transitions in life. Grief is about changes and transitions in life. And some of these may be those sad, hard transitions, but even happy transitions can also lead to a lot of
00:07:33
Speaker
Grief as well even a children even like a parent for example having their child start college The parent is going to experience some grief the child will experience some grief as well. They're leaving the home You know things are not the same they don't have you know that little close-knit support system there's a lot so for you to be working in that environment and overall like
00:07:55
Speaker
And with the students, you probably are there to support them and be kind of that mama bear, I guess, for them as well, right? Yeah, especially I used to live on campus in my role. I would manage buildings and I definitely had some students that called me mom and had that. So definitely something I can relate to is just being that empathetic figure that they could just walk into my office and sit down and cry or
00:08:24
Speaker
share whatever was happening to them. We tried to make it home away from home as much as we can. Yes. Now, we'll be going into your grief journey in a bit, but just curious, has that empathy changed for you? Has it expanded within you based on the grief experience you've had in your life and the losses?
00:08:49
Speaker
I would say so. I think there was ebbs and flows, especially with how I personally reacted to each death that I experienced. But I would say overall, especially a few years out from my dad's death, who was the most, the biggest impact that was, yeah, most recent. I would definitely say I am more empathetic. And I think that just comes from life experience. You see things in a different perspective when you've gone through it yourself.
00:09:18
Speaker
I definitely approach how I respond to someone in grief differently. I'm a little bit more patient. I'm a little bit more understanding. I give a little bit more space and time to address things than I may have before. I think I was a, you know, standard Boston move quickly, get things done, just push through it type of person. And I think through some of my losses, I realized that's not how I want to live. And I think people who are going through major changes,
00:09:48
Speaker
can sustain that type of pace and it's not healthy. So I've definitely learned a lot over the past few years and I think it's helped me to put some things in perspective.
00:09:57
Speaker
It doesn't at all. It's like you go through something hard to then be able to understand either more about yourself or even just more about others. Yeah, it shifts things for sure. Let's talk now about then your mom's passing, which is the first one that you experienced.
Family Crisis and Loss
00:10:19
Speaker
I'm sure probably other things, but you have three major ones.
00:10:26
Speaker
take us into that experience as to what your mom passed away from and a little bit of your grieving tools then.
00:10:35
Speaker
Yeah, so I would say this was March 2016. I remember my dad calling me saying, hey, you should probably call your mom. She hasn't been feeling well the past couple days. And I'm like, OK. So I had called her on a Monday, and she had said that she had had fluctuating fevers, wasn't really feeling well, couldn't really breathe well. And in the past, she was a smoker and had had bouts of bronchitis.
00:11:03
Speaker
That type of sickness wasn't something that was uncommon to her health history. But she's like, yeah, you know, I take Advil and then as soon as it wears off the fever spikes and she kept saying that there was like a cyclical pattern. I'm like, that means it's not working and something else is wrong. It's something's wrong. Something's wrong. Like you should probably go to the doctors.
00:11:24
Speaker
So she said that she was going to go the next day and then I was at work and I got a phone call the next morning for my dad saying that the night before my mom had actually collapsed and needed to get taken to the hospital. So I immediately took a train and got to the hospital and we found out that she had to be put into an adduce coma because she had the flu that had transitioned into pneumonia.
00:11:51
Speaker
and her lungs weren't able to heal because they were under too much stress. They were hoping that the coma would help her body rest and heal. We almost got out of the woods by Friday. They were going to take her out of it and they said things were responding and then it kind of started to go downhill again. So by that late Sunday night, my dad, my sister and I were in the hospital probably, oh my gosh, probably around midnight maybe.
00:12:19
Speaker
having to make the choice to take my mom off life support at that point because it wasn't gonna get any better. So I remember sitting in a room with the doctor with just my dad because he didn't want my sister in the room and we had to make that choice. So that was really difficult because you know we hadn't really had a big family loss like that in a really long time and obviously it was my mom and
00:12:46
Speaker
I didn't know which way it was up. And just one week. One week. One week that it all changed like that. So. Yep. It was one day I was talking to her and the next I was at the hospital and she was going into a coma and I never talked to her again. So it was really difficult. A lot of eyes were on me. My dad was really struggling with how to move forward. They were high school sweethearts.
00:13:12
Speaker
He didn't know how to use a debit card or how to do certain things because my mom managed everything. It's so interesting. Actually, now that you're saying this, because we're talking about your background being Portuguese background, that is common in the Portuguese background. Is it right? The matriarch a little bit more of that? Definitely traditional roles. My dad was the breadwinner for the most part.
00:13:40
Speaker
he just trusted my mom wholeheartedly to manage everything in our household. And she did it well, he just had no idea how she did it. And so I had to help manage bank accounts and how things went into them and how to move forward. So I was definitely a big part of that. But yeah, I had to help plan the funeral and figure out, I gave the eulogy for my mom, which was difficult.
00:14:10
Speaker
But I knew it was going to end up being me. My dad had a lot of trust in me as a writer and a speaker. So he put me up for that. And I think it was just a lot of stress and pressure to try to handle all at once.
00:14:28
Speaker
It's so much, right, because, and especially during these really hard times, all of these different little roles that we kind of take, like, you know, like responsibilities that maybe had there been another person
00:14:46
Speaker
the family that had a little bit of different skill then that role would have gone to them but the fact that because of your personality and so forth that these kind of responsibilities went to to you do you remember when you gave the eulogy do you
00:15:07
Speaker
remember how it felt in terms of how do I, like when you think of that day, I mean, I'm saying this in firsthand experience of that. So do you remember yourself in the moment or do you see yourself kind of like an outsider when you remember that day of you even speaking? Does that make sense what I'm saying? It does. For hers, I remember in the moment. When I gave my dad, I definitely see that, you know,
00:15:39
Speaker
It's yeah, yeah, I would say there was a difference but I can remember really wanting to do her justice because she was definitely the quiet unsung hero. My dad was a very large personality. And she just kind of sat back and I feel like sometimes she felt forgotten, even though without her, just that the
00:16:04
Speaker
fabric of our family would have unraveled because she did everything. So I tried really hard to bridge bringing her to life and also honoring who she was and trying to find how to balance those things. So I think there is such an intentionality behind her, especially since it was my first time giving a eulogy for someone that impactful that I can remember that very clearly, like shaking at the altar and
00:16:34
Speaker
being in church. And yeah, that was that was difficult. That that was just how many days after her passing that you had the I don't know if culturally what culture wise or what? Yeah, so we're we're Catholic, Portuguese Catholic. And so she died the Sunday going into Monday. And we had her
00:17:04
Speaker
wake on the Thursday funeral that Friday, so it was five days later. Five days and having to gather up whatever little courage and speak. Yeah, it's so much, but it's also so moving when you are experiencing, as an audience, as family,
00:17:28
Speaker
Being you know hearing that firsthand from someone that knows The disease so well, you know, it's like it's so much more heartfelt You know, I think then it is a family member that speaks for the rest of the people and in their own grief journey, so
00:17:47
Speaker
That was beautiful that you that do that as hard as it was So from there on then this happened 2016 your mom and my mom died the same year 2016 what what was then your process after that because I'm sure if you said your dad Didn't know a lot of these things a business. Yeah the house management and stuff
00:18:16
Speaker
take us into how was it then aiding your dad in that process of kind of the home and at the same time, navigating your grief and aiding him and your sister in their grief journey? I would say I did the best I could for them and it was a very dark time for me. I feel like I put everyone and everything ahead of
00:18:43
Speaker
my own well-being at that point. I wasn't sleeping well. I wasn't eating well. I'm not a big, like, alcohol drinker, but I was definitely drinking more. And I lived alone, so I was drinking more alone. And people were starting to notice, like, friends because I would send, you know, pictures or whatever. And it didn't impact my work at all, at least that piece of it.
00:19:11
Speaker
I was definitely struggling at work. I wasn't as patient. I wasn't as present as I probably could have been. But I put a lot of my effort into what happens now, what happens now, what do I do. I definitely had a lot of anger towards people who would complain about their parents or their moms. Because I just didn't understand. I'm like, do not see what I just went through. And I didn't have a lot of patience for it.
00:19:39
Speaker
My sister struggled and she kind of shut a lot of us out. And it was just very difficult, but I just tried to keep that door open. And as time went on, it got a little bit better.
Therapy and Managing Grief
00:19:53
Speaker
And a couple months later, my dad suggested that I start going to therapy.
00:19:59
Speaker
And I resisted for a little bit, which is interesting, because I've always been a very large advocate for it. I think I was just stubborn in that point. So that June, I decided to set up an appointment with actually the woman who was my mother's therapist to try to help with that transition, just to talk to someone who knew her, but also didn't necessarily know me, which ended up being helpful. And I've been with her since then.
00:20:28
Speaker
And she's been she's been a great support system. So that actually changed a lot in terms of helping me learn the language to talk about things and talk about grief. And funny enough, the first time I saw her was the same day that I found out that my grandfather died three months after my mom. So it just worked out that the appointment was the same day. Yeah, so
00:20:56
Speaker
funny how that schedule worked out, but it was actually the same day. Yeah. Yeah. So your grandfather, and then tell me the grandfather name in Portugal, Vavu. Vavu, yeah. Vavu. Your Vavu then, was he your mom's dad or your dad's dad? My dad's dad. My dad's dad. So for your dad then, three months after then, it's also then experiencing then the loss of his father.
00:21:22
Speaker
Yes. Okay. So take us into then, what other things transpired from there? Because that's a lot in such a short period of time. It was. And I remember going to see him in the hospital before he died. He was older. So it was definitely a different process because we recognized he had four kids, 12th grade kids, lived a really great life.
00:21:51
Speaker
that he could really be proud of. He definitely was the patriarch of our family, moving everyone from the Azores and Portugal to Canada and then bringing some down to the United States. He was fluent in three languages as a lot of my family is. I wish I was, but a lot of my family is. And he was just like the beacon. Plus my dad and my grandfather were like jokingly the only two tall Portuguese people you've ever seen.
00:22:20
Speaker
They were both like six three type of people. So they were very recognizable and wonderful. I was then told that my dad offered up my services to give the eulogy for him as well. My services were called upon once again.
00:22:44
Speaker
I got a little mad. Like, do you realize I just did this for mom three months ago and he's like, but you're so good. You can do it. Like he just, he wasn't thinking, but I'm actually happy that I did. Cause it was that one I felt at the point had a lot of pressure. Cause how do you encapsulate someone who's lived on two continents and three countries and, and been this like beacon for everyone in the family for so long and how I,
00:23:13
Speaker
In my head, I was just his oldest grandchild. But I ended up having to give that twice because he was in Canada when he passed. So we did the services up there where I gave the eulogy, and then it was actually translated by a cousin to Portuguese for the rest of my family. And then the next week or so, we did it in the States down here for immediate family here.
00:23:39
Speaker
I had to do that. It was a lot. And I was very nervous. And I think that came out as anger, because I was just very overwhelmed with having to go through the planning process again. But I remember having a lot of support from some of my cousins that are around my age, and talking to them, sharing drafts, and how do I do this, and being able to reminisce. So it brought a lot of the cousins, my generation of cousins, closer after that happened.
00:24:10
Speaker
Well, talk about having experience then talking on stage that would prepare you then for later on when you did your dad talk. Right? Yeah. Under pressure and all that. What a great preparation. So, okay. And then share with us then what now, because you've already shared that your dad then passed away. So, what were the circumstances around your dad's passing?
Sudden Loss of Her Father
00:24:39
Speaker
Yeah, so that was October of 2017, so it was only about 18 months in between both my parents. I was just about to turn 29 at that point, so I was 28 and had no parents at that point, so it was really wild. I was actually at a wedding down in North Carolina and
00:25:04
Speaker
the morning after the wedding, I got a phone call from my dad's police station where he worked. And I was very confused why they were calling me. And they told me I needed to get home very quickly because my dad had been in an accident. He had, he was an avid motorcycle rider. He was state trained through the police department and was very safe. And he was driving home on a Sunday morning and
00:25:33
Speaker
someone was driving on the northbound side of the highway and decided to cross over the state trooper overpass like the crossover on the highway and hit the constant collision there. So my dad was brought to a hospital in New Hampshire. I flew home and was picked up by
00:25:56
Speaker
police and was escorted to the hospital. And he ended up passing the next day due to his injuries. So it was just one, he was supposed to pick me up from the airport that night to come back from the wedding. He had dropped me off a couple days before. And I remember that being a really great car ride because it was like five in the morning and
00:26:21
Speaker
I kept thanking him over and over for driving me and we just grabbed a coffee. Who's wedding? Who's wedding had you gone to? Yeah, it was a friend of mine from grad school. So I had flown down there to visit and I was in the ceremony. It was actually really beautiful. And she had met my dad a few times and I remember just walking up to her like my dad was in an accident and I have to go.
00:26:47
Speaker
And actually at the wake, she was supposed to be on her honeymoon and she flew up to be at the services. And, you know, years later, that still means a whole lot to me. Yeah. I have some great friends, but yeah, it just, it was similar but different to my mother. It was just very sudden and very unexpected and very fast. Yeah.
00:27:15
Speaker
That is a lot plus then also then there's these other added than emotions because somebody else is responsible for your father's passing. That's a big huge difference from your mom's passing and your grandfather's passing. So take us into how was that emotionally and what
00:27:44
Speaker
grieving the passing of your dad, but with this other layer on top of it. It was very different. And I felt like I was, you really can't be emotionally prepared to go through a loss that fast, but it was almost like there was an acceptance a little bit quicker because I'm like, I'm alone now. And like, that's kind of how I felt and, you know,
00:28:11
Speaker
everyone at that point, because now both my parents were gone, turned to look at me and said, how are we going to get through this? And I, obviously I had to plan the funeral and I sat at the same seat at the funeral home that I did for my mom and plan. I felt like I was on a first name basis with the people at the funeral home.
00:28:33
Speaker
I think one of the most frustrating parts of it was we were still at the hospital and news and radio were contacted in the hospital trying to get in touch with me. There was news trucks outside the hotel I was staying at trying to get information. I was being followed. So I had to have a detective assigned to my sister and I to be safe.
00:28:59
Speaker
I wasn't allowed to say certain things during the eulogy that I gave because I wanted to make sure that when it was broadcast on the news that whoever was following us didn't then try to follow whoever I talked about so I was very particular so I felt like I went into emergency management mode like I did at work and I'm like all right let's do this and just kind of went into logistical planning of how we were going to do the services and was talking to people at the police department that were going to help and
00:29:27
Speaker
trying to manage, okay, now what happens? He had just changed his life insurance policies. Now I have to talk to the insurance policies because it happened too soon before he died. And he didn't have a will because he hadn't got it set up after my mom died. So I had to file things in probate court. So there was so many logistical things that I had to deal with. While I wasn't living in his home, I was living on my own, my sister was. So I had to make sure we kept the house, that she was okay.
00:29:57
Speaker
that the house was in my name at that point, that all the insurance stuff was all set, stuff with city employees was all set. So I didn't get to grieve for a while, I felt like. And I was still in therapy, thank goodness. I decided that not talking about how it was impacting me was not gonna work this time around. I needed to be more open and I needed to just deal with that vulnerability
00:30:26
Speaker
And in some ways that backfired with how people reacted. But for the most part, I think people recognized that I was just trying to be honest about where I was at. And I think it helps. Can you give some examples of that? Can you give us examples of how that vulnerability backfired? Like what was it that you were saying that people would
00:30:48
Speaker
just curious because I'm listening. I'm like, wait, why would it backfire for you to be genuine with your emotions and with everything? I won't say who it was, but there was one scenario where I was just sharing how I was feeling and the person was like, I just don't get it. I don't understand why it's a big deal based on their family dynamics. I'm like, well,
00:31:13
Speaker
not going to talk to you anymore. I'm not going to share how I'm feeling with you because it's just not I understand not having the perspective because years prior I didn't but I think everyone has
00:31:26
Speaker
some experience with major change or loss, whether it's moving, just like you said, when we first started talking, changing or growing or having situations develop or end or start, we all are grieving something. And I was just amazed at people's lack of ability to even faint. Empathize back again, too. Yeah, even back to the empathy component. Yeah, definitely. So that was difficult. That was the major example, I guess. Yeah.
00:31:55
Speaker
But thank goodness that you did have the therapist and that you were able to there be able to be naked per se with your emotions and just be able to just have them all out. So it sounds like a lot of those months and you said you were close to being 29. So when was your birthday? So your dad passed away October. When is your birthday? He passed October 9th. My birthday is the 29th of October.
00:32:20
Speaker
Oh, so that's how was that then for you? I can't even imagine. Yeah, like I'm like I go into that my own kind of feeling kind of mode. But how was it then on that 29th with with him there and still in the you were still doing so much of the business of grieving. I don't even know if you had even gotten to your grieving by that point. So
00:32:47
Speaker
No. Funny enough, my sister and my dad had gotten me tickets. I don't know if you're a musical fan. I studied theater, yes. Wonderful. I had gotten tickets from the two of them to see the original Broadway cast of Dear Evan Hansen on my 29th birthday.
Emotional Release and Reflection
00:33:09
Speaker
That was absolutely incredible. Are you like, can't wait till you get to see it in the movie theater now too? I'll definitely go. Yeah, I absolutely loved it. And, you know, I think it was one of the first times that I really cried. Like obviously I did during the services, but, you know, that show is just a gut punch of emotions in so many ways. And it just kind of came out.
00:33:39
Speaker
My sister also did, I think to a point if I remember correctly, she was struggling to let things out a little bit. And then we had dinner with a family member and got to talk about the show but also my dad and I think it was the best
00:33:56
Speaker
way like knowing that he gave me that experience, even before he died and he didn't know what the show was he had no idea he was immune he liked musicals but that wasn't. He was more old school layman is and Joseph and the Technicolor dream code and family opera type of guy.
00:34:13
Speaker
It was a beautiful day. It was pouring rain, but it was a beautiful day. I appreciate it so much. I create images as you're talking. I create movies as you're talking. I'm seeing the pouring rain, pouring tears, all this cleansing going on with the emotions just coming out that could be because of the show, but at the same time using it as a catalyst
00:34:41
Speaker
to just let all your emotions of everything that had happened in the last year and a half to just pour out as well. So it's like, yeah, how when the mood outside reflects the emotion.
00:35:00
Speaker
Oh, wow. So that's so good that it was it was good. Now, how then from there, this is 2017. Yeah, did you go from there to then having a TED Talk and to even thinking about putting together a
TEDx Journey and CLEAN Concept
00:35:19
Speaker
TED Talk? It was
00:35:22
Speaker
a dream. It was fantastic. I was given the opportunity to apply. So it was just an application that I put in. It was a new TED affiliated campus. So a lot of the TEDx organizations are through colleges and universities around the country. And you have to be affiliated in a certain way and the students took care of all that stuff.
00:35:48
Speaker
and they put out a call for applications to be a speaker. And like, I can't, I can't nod. And I had been going back and forth. I'm like, God, do I talk about something that I do at work or conflict resolution or training or something? And I'm like, you know, I think it's time to tell my story. I had already wanted to write a book about it. I'd wanted to write things out. It's how I feel best about things is when I put things on paper. Like, I can do this.
00:36:17
Speaker
So I applied, oh gosh, July of last summer. So while in the midst of the pandemic, I was actually furloughed. Yep. So I was furloughed for my job at that point. I'm saying the date in case whenever somebody listens to this part, you never know the timing. So, okay. Absolutely. July 2020, I was furloughed for my job for a month and I was like, you know what, I'm going to apply to this. I ended up
00:36:41
Speaker
getting an interview round where I had to give a 10 minute spiel of what my talk would be. And then they chose speakers. And then in January, we were chosen. So there was six of us that ended up going through about six weeks of classes through 10, like they have formalized classes that we did together virtually. And then we spent about five Saturdays out at my undergrad campus in Springfield, Mass.
00:37:12
Speaker
And, you know, we had the lessons from the classes on how to formulate your talk, how to create a message, how to put things into story format in a really concrete way and practice timing. And I've never listened to myself on recording more times after, you know, recording my talk and then listening to it back to learn about my cadence and pacing and make sure I was under time.
00:37:42
Speaker
March of 2021 we got to do a live event and then oh my gosh probably about two months ago now I was able to see it posted on YouTube and now it's it's out there for the world and it was such a positive experience not only from a grief
00:38:03
Speaker
catharsis place but also you know we were still in the pandemic and barely doing anything and we were all starting to get vaccinated but not all of us yet uh based on you know that was when there was schedules of who could who could get them when and like this is my one thing like i can leave the house and like go to rehearsal and go visit a campus i love and um it was
00:38:27
Speaker
such a positive experience from start to finish. I am so grateful that I had it, and it's opened up opportunities like these, so I couldn't be happier with it. That is so amazing. You're sharing about this, because that's one of the things I want to do. I want to do a TED Talk. I think I told you that in a little bit. You did. I might have shared that, yeah. You should. I'm like, I want to know how to do that.
00:38:50
Speaker
because I actually did, you know, like a little vision thing. I actually wrote to myself all the details, how it feels to hop on stage, how everything, what I'm wearing. And so to hear that they go through, I had no clue, that you go through all this training process and classes and so forth. That is so incredible because not only are you having the opportunity
00:39:17
Speaker
to share your story, but you're also learning all these skills. So I had no clue that they do all that. It was so helpful, because the idea that I had and what I spoke on were similar in topic, but not in execution. The whole concept of clean was something that I developed actually through the class portion, realizing that I needed I wanted something for people to have
00:39:45
Speaker
a very easy take home message. Some of that you could latch on to that you could remember that's visual. And I learned that from some of the skill building that we did during the courses. Otherwise, it was a little bit more about me and my story, which in some ways is impactful. But I think when you're putting it into tangible things that everyone can visualize, I think it was
00:40:11
Speaker
It gave me the opportunity to broaden the scope of who could be impacted by it.
00:40:16
Speaker
much appreciated. That is wonderful. And then with the people then that you did, these six people, the six of you, did this create a bond, you guys going through this process of learning and training and rehearsing. Are you close to the people that you went through this process with? Yeah. Yeah. So they actually all know that I'm recording this today and they were so excited and it is such a great group of people. I'd say there's like
00:40:45
Speaker
four of us that talk pretty consistently. We've been each other's champions. One put out a self-published poetry book. One was in the Paralympic trials. We've all had our own new life experiences since then, and we've been each other's champions for them.
00:41:05
Speaker
We're trying to get together again, want to help out with future events. They've definitely been an awesome support system and they were the whole time during rehearsals. It was such a good group.
00:41:17
Speaker
So great. People you would have not met had you not gone through what you went through. It's like people come into your life as people exit our lives in ways, but then there's also people that come into our lives. And so this is great that you have this little cheerleading squad here cheering. Yeah, they're wonderful. That is so amazing.
00:41:42
Speaker
Now, how does your grief look like now? What does your grief look like now in 2021? It ebbs and flows. I think one of the biggest things is I have a partner that I live with. And he also has had death and loss in his life. And I think one of the best things that I have taken from
00:42:12
Speaker
us being able to talk about those experiences is one, he gets it, but two, we're both just so open about I'm having a bad mom day, or I'm having a bad dad day, or I saw this perceived message. My dad's police badge number was 193. I actually have it tattooed on my arm. And I'll see 193 in license plates or numbers at work.
00:42:42
Speaker
will point those things out and try to take anniversaries of passings or birthdays really seriously and do things to honor them. So I try to look at it from that perspective more than anything else. But if I'm sad, I'm sad.
00:43:01
Speaker
in a couple weeks, it's the anniversary of my dad's accident. And I'm very aware of that. And I feel like my body can feel it when it gets closer. And I get very tired and have to pay attention to myself a little bit more. But I would say at this point, it's about honoring them and trying to move forward.
Scholarship and Authentic Living
00:43:25
Speaker
in a way that I think would make them proud. My sister and I started a scholarship fund for the high school that my parents went to to try to give back to students that want to go into public service fields. So that has been really great to know that we're giving back to communities in honor of them. So it's still hard. I think of down the road, if I get married or have kids, they're not going to have grandparents.
00:43:54
Speaker
And that's something that I struggle with a lot, is grieving the missed out future that I'm going to have.
00:44:04
Speaker
Yeah. And it's so interesting because you're grieving even now just the idea of that, of that forward thinking, right? It is so interesting how we do this with ourselves, like start grieving even before it even has happened. But we know that these moments
00:44:24
Speaker
will or may come that they were going to miss them again, grieve them again. I tell that, you know, when people talk about it being like this a time as if it gets easier with time, I'm like, well, I don't think that's necessarily the case because there are like really crucial moments in our life in which it just can come pouring in again. Right. Like somebody walking down the aisle on, you know, and
00:44:53
Speaker
Nobody on there, you know holding their arm those kind of things and I didn't mean to like put forward something here By the way, sorry, I noticed that was like even insensitive as I was saying it but you know what I mean? It was just the these things that come up that that we may experience like you said if you when you have children or if you have children like
00:45:18
Speaker
not having your parents there to support you in that process either. And not only what the children are not having, but what you're not getting in that moment. So those, yeah, those will be major milestones as well in your grief journey. So I can I can understand. Yeah. You know, I'm going to be 33 next month and
00:45:47
Speaker
I often think about like, would they have been okay with the decisions I'm making? And obviously it's hard to know because I feel like I've changed as a person, but I think one thing that I've tried is just to be as absolutely honest about where I'm at as I can, whether it's good, bad, ugly, being really honest about how people's words impact me, whether it's a family member or a friend,
00:46:16
Speaker
You know, we don't have time to waste to just sit on the ugly. And I still struggle with that. I think we all do. I tend to be a people pleaser type of person and I want to do right by people. But I think it's I've been through enough that I just want to live my life the way that I think I should.
00:46:40
Speaker
and do the best I can in the process. So I think that's the biggest lesson I've learned is just to kind of let go of the
00:46:47
Speaker
expectations that I think I perceived or put on me that I don't know if they actually existed. And I'm getting better at it. I'm not great. But it's a it's a growth process just like anything else. I love the word perceived. And I don't know, I'm curious how you're using it. It's so interesting because you're not making it be the fact it's just how you took it. And I
00:47:11
Speaker
I want to honor that because that is just such a huge growth component in us when we switch to that. It's like, oh, this is how I perceived it, perceived this situation, or this is how I perceived what this person said. But it doesn't mean that in that moment, it's true to you. It doesn't mean that that's what the person intended.
00:47:34
Speaker
Is that phrase or way of being and thinking of perceiving something you've always had or is it something you've gained from either your own experiences or from going to the therapist? I'm really curious because it's such a maturity in that. I want to just honor you for that. It's so mature. Oh, thank you. I would say it's a little bit of both.
00:47:59
Speaker
From an external place, I think it was my professional training. I manage, you know, roommate conflicts and conflicts between people and major issues. So I think the intent versus impact of what people do and say is something that I will look for and how to manage issues that I see between people.
00:48:23
Speaker
Internally, I think that was a lot of therapy and experience to get me to the point where I needed to take a step back and recognize that the expectations that I'm putting on myself to succeed or be perfect or be that type A oldest child that does everything perfectly isn't real.
00:48:46
Speaker
And I'm just doing the best I can. And I hope that my support system will continue to support me even if it doesn't look as perfect as it may have in the past. And I think I was just tired of putting up a front that I was okay. A lot of people would ask me after my mom passed away how my sister was doing or how my dad was doing. And it never really followed up with how I was doing. Cause they're like, you seem like you're doing great.
00:49:13
Speaker
I seem like I'm doing great. I wasn't. But I put up a good front. And I think after my dad died, that was just not a thing. I was not going to do that again. I wasn't going to put myself through that again. If I was having a rough day, I was just going to tell people I was having a rough day. And that was that. And I think more people accepted that than I expected.
00:49:37
Speaker
So seeing that response that I wasn't expecting opened the door for me to just be myself and show a little bit more flaws and know that people are going to still walk through the door. So I learned a lot that way.
Embracing Vulnerability
00:49:52
Speaker
It's so liberating, right? It's so liberating. It's fantastic. There's so much freedom in that vulnerability. There is just so much freedom. And just the people that show up in your life and support you when you are vulnerable because they're really seeing you is just incredible. And the people that probably start not being around are probably just the ones that didn't need to be there either.
00:50:18
Speaker
because they're uncomfortable with that. But that is so amazing. Now, tell us about your memoir that's in the book in the books in the works. And how is that process going? Oh, my gosh, earlier stages. But I have little vignettes that I have put together, but it has always been always, always, always since kindergarten, first grade, I've always wanted to be a writer. You know, I
00:50:47
Speaker
I'm a little bit of an academic nerd where I went to my first college fair in seventh grade. The college recruiters were very confused why a seventh grader was there. I even just had to, I just had to kind of like, I only got it a few weeks. College recruit, what? Yeah, I was 13. But I wanted to learn about creative writing programs. I was dead set on it. Obviously, I think I wanted to
00:51:14
Speaker
eventually when I was applying to schools I got a psychology degree and I wanted to work and I knew at that point just in very large quotes being a writer was not something I could commit to at 18 but I have wanted to write a book I've toyed around with some ideas and after these experiences it was just so unique and I don't like saying tragic because that makes it seem so large and
00:51:43
Speaker
I don't know, I don't like that word, but it's visually intriguing. The way that I had to deal with things is unique, at least to me, and I wanted to share the one skill that I know that I have.
00:52:00
Speaker
and try to help people with it. So the plan is, and what I'm doing is balancing my own stories of walking linearly through the three deaths that we just talked about as the portion of my life that I really want to focus on and then have it flashback to different points in my childhood that kind of influenced my reactions in the present and that point.
00:52:28
Speaker
So I, for example, I had written a portion of my dad driving me to the airport, which is the last time I saw him, and flashing back in my head, one of the memories I have is he used to be in a softball league with a bunch of other police departments, and I used to go with him, and we'd sneak out of the house early on Sunday morning, so my sister wouldn't wake up, and we would leave her and my mom at home, and walking down the same set of stairs, and one of them was creaky.
00:52:57
Speaker
So walking down those stairs when he drove me to the airport and then kind of thinking of...
00:53:03
Speaker
all the times we've gone places together and trying to share those types of stories. So that's the intent. I'm hoping to have it finished in the next year or so to have it be published. But yeah, that's the plan. That's the big goal. But I'm at a point where it needs to happen. I feel like it's inside just waiting to come out.
00:53:28
Speaker
I'm finally at a point where I can trust myself as a writer to tell that story accurately.
00:53:34
Speaker
Wonderful. That's when you're talking about the creaking step. I see it visually again there, but I see it like it's easy in a movie, right, to do those things. But then how do you do it like in a writing thing of like overlapping this little smaller little foot, you know, standing on step compared to now, you know, as you're, you know, your adult foot next to your dad's as you're he's you're coming down the stairs for him to take you to the airport.
00:54:00
Speaker
But, you know, like that visually there, I could just, I could see it in the little, you know, pan down to the chair. We'll get there. That's awesome. I can't wait to hear when you message me that you have it out, then we'll make sure to schedule you for an interview then.
00:54:19
Speaker
Now, in the meantime, how can people find you? Do you want to say, again, repeat the name of the podcast, the podcast, the TED Talk, and any other ways in which people can get in contact with you? Yeah, you got it. The TED Talk is called Cleaning Up the Grief Process, and that's just on YouTube. If you either Google my name or that title, it'll pop right up.
00:54:45
Speaker
And I'll link it then to the bottom in the show notes. I'll do that. It's through a TEDx Western New England University is the school that put it on, but it's cleaning up the grief process on YouTube. And then I'm also putting together, I just launched a website. So just danielleramigio.com.
00:55:03
Speaker
which will be a combination of a blog writing, the talk will be on there as well, as well as any presentations and trainings that I'm willing to put on. I'm definitely a trainer. I train a lot for my job and have some ones built about grief and relationship building and conflict resolution that people can book me for if they wish.
00:55:27
Speaker
Uh, and then Instagram, um, I have it connected as DL underscore women geo on Instagram. Those will be the main places to find me. Wonderful. And thank you so much. It's been so lovely to be chatting with you and seeing this big, huge smile radiating. It's just so refreshing. And it's easy.
00:55:54
Speaker
I'm glad you felt that. It's so interesting because people are like, oh, this was fun. And it's like, people would probably never think of that when they're tuning in to listen to a podcast about grief, that actually having the opportunity to talk about it can be fun. Absolutely. Especially the gratitude that's in the name of your podcast, I think people can
00:56:17
Speaker
feel more gratitude when they realize what's at stake. You can really feel connected to that. So I think I'm definitely grateful for the experience and the conversation.
00:56:28
Speaker
the experiences that have opened doors through everything, making the best of what we got, right? Yes, the growth that has come. Now, all your ways of paying it forward because things that you mentioned even just of when you chose what to study and how you married the two elements of your mom and your dad.
00:56:49
Speaker
this way of serving others, right? Service is kind of like your, one of your core at your core. Yeah. So, you know, and how you do with the school in the school setting, but now also how you serve others by sharing your story as well. So thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for the opportunity.
00:57:15
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:57:44
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.