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She Had 4 Failed Transfers… Then Everything Changed
77 Plays11 days ago
We Kept Going… But Not in the Same Way
Jen’s path to becoming a mom didn’t follow a straight line.
After years of trying, multiple rounds of IVF, and not a single embryo, she made the decision to move forward with egg donation, hoping that would finally be the turning point.
But even then, things didn’t go as expected.
After four failed transfers, Jen found herself in a place so many women reach in this process:
Do you keep going the same way… or do you change something?
In this episode, Jen shares what it looked like to keep moving forward while also making the difficult decision to shift direction, from choosing a new agency and egg donor to changing clinics, and what ultimately led to the birth of her daughter.
We talk about:
• What it’s like to go through years of infertility with no clear answers
• Why egg donation doesn’t always mean immediate success
• The emotional weight of repeated failed transfers
• How to recognize when it’s time to make a change
• What gave her the confidence to try a different path
• The reality of holding onto hope while adjusting expectations
This episode is a reminder that continuing forward doesn’t always mean staying on the same path.
Sometimes, the most important step is choosing a different one.
If you’re in the middle of your journey and questioning what to do next, this conversation will meet you there.
Recommended
Transcript
Jen's Fertility Journey Begins
00:00:01
Speaker
So many women grow up believing that when they're ready to have a baby, it'll just happen. For Jen, it didn't. Her journey lasted seven years, multiple rounds of IVF and not a single embryo. Out of all of those rounds of IVF, we did not make one single embryo. So they turned to egg donation. And for a moment, it felt like it might finally work. We had four embryos.
00:00:28
Speaker
But even that didn't go the way they hoped. And none of them were. After everything they had already been through, they were back at a decision point. Keep going the same way or change something. Something's got to change. This episode isn't just about not giving up.
00:00:44
Speaker
It's about knowing when to take a different path.
Societal Expectations vs. Personal Realizations
00:00:47
Speaker
If you think it's time for a change, like, just do it. If you're in the middle of a long, uncertain journey, this one is going to stay with you.
00:00:56
Speaker
Enjoy.
00:00:59
Speaker
So many of us grow up believing that when you're ready to have a baby, it'll just happen. And no one really prepares you for what it feels like when it doesn't happen easily. So can you tell us like just a little bit about when that shift happened for you and just what came from that?
00:01:20
Speaker
Yeah, I am. And first, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here to share my story and hopefully just inspire others. I think that the theme is just to keep going and not give up. um But my story started. um I like when I was for I'll go back to when I
Uncovering Underlying Fertility Issues
00:01:42
Speaker
was 14. I was diagnosed with a ah thyroid disorder and um I stopped getting my period. So I was kind of that that typical case of just like going on birth control and just like to mimic a period. And, you know, I just went into my 20s and just stayed on it forever. So it kind of definitely masked probably a few problems that I had going on there. But yeah. I just went along and I think in
00:02:11
Speaker
Um, growing up, I think in, in my, in our generation, it was the, the top track for women was just about get your career. Like it kind of just said like shifted at that point. So yeah I was laser focused on my career and, um, I'm an advertising. So, and and creative. So I went to school at FIT in the city and I was just kind of like trucking along. And I, I always had this thing. I was like, uh,
00:02:39
Speaker
I don't know. I i never felt like very maternal. i love I was always one with the animals and I loved adoption. My husband owns the doggy daycare. We like do so much fostering and i love it dogs of my own. But for babies, I was like, ah um' like i don't i just like never knew what to do with babies. and I was like, maybe I won't be a mom or something. But then as I got to 30, I met my husband, we got married and i just like, there was something that just didn't sit right with me. Like I didn't want to close the the door on it. So that is when i kind of like, um but, but we, when we got married, I'll back up. We,
00:03:20
Speaker
We wanted to travel like I was just doing my thing, you know, just like and but there was always something deep in me that I just didn't. And as a woman, you know, our clocks are ticking it's just something you have to think about. But there was always something that never wanted to really shut down.
00:03:37
Speaker
the door on being a mom. um So that is when i I started my journey, probably like in my mid 30s of checking
Heartbreak and Reevaluation After Failed IVF
00:03:49
Speaker
myself out. And then that is when I uncovered I had like basically no eggs. My, and my eggs were fried. So, let me, so I know you were like, you were on kind of like your track and then when you and your husband did decide to go ahead and move forward with growing your family, did you guys immediately go to the doctor or was it more of like a, Hey, let's just see how it goes and then we'll go you
00:04:18
Speaker
so my So my story is like a little weird. um So we didn't try. i went to, I just felt like something was off. I don't i don't know. it's like i don't even know where the feeling it's that intuition. I was like, you know what? I'm over 35. I was reading all this stuff about...
00:04:38
Speaker
your fertility kind of like going off a cliff and and no one really educated me on that. You know, even at the gynecologist growing up, I went regularly, but they never say like, just let's check your AMH or like all these levels I had never heard of, you know, so I didn't know any better. And then i don't know, something just didn't feel right. And I had been hearing from women that, you know, once you're over 35, you should just go straight to the fertility and just get checked out so you don't waste time. So even my husband like weren't didn't even like
00:05:12
Speaker
really try for long. We just, I went literally just to get as an informational session to get checked out. And we saw that basically I had diminished ovarian reserve at like 36, maybe I was. So Yeah, it was kind of like, a you know, in the moment hearing, I'm like, oh, I thought I had this time and I would just like, you know, decide to be a mom and have it as an option. But then you realize like, oh, it might actually not be an option. I don't, it was just such a crazy period of like information gathering on myself that it I wasn't really prepared for.
00:05:51
Speaker
yeah Yeah. And I feel like that moment you're, having to wrestle with so much information being thrown at you all at once of, hey, not only is this now no longer an option and or it's going to be incredibly difficult, but now here's all of the multiple paths that you didn't even either know existed or didn't even think were going to be something that you had to learn or worry about.
00:06:23
Speaker
And then it's deciding which pass to choose and all of that. And then on top of that, i mean, I'm sure it was, okay, there's IVF. And then all of a sudden this egg donor route comes into play. How did you...
00:06:36
Speaker
handle all of that it was a crazy journey and I think um i I think I was really scared so I wasn't yeah pushing it so in in this was around 2019 of course COVID like kind of halted things for sure definitely a few months but was like 2019 and We went to the fertility clinic and we're finding all this out and it was like, IVF is your best shot. Let's like start doing egg egg retrievals. And i did i did like four rounds over the car course of a year.
00:07:14
Speaker
And it almost was like. i was just I was just kind of going through the motions, like seeing what happened. Like, I don't know, my feelings, I was just so confused and like trying to take in all the information. And I'm like, do I want this? I was really scared because i think, um and I don't know, a lot of people,
00:07:32
Speaker
that went through IVF didn't talk about this specific aspect, but I was just getting a lot of information that might, you know, I had old eggs, whatever I had, they're probably going to be abnormal. I was going through all these things about actually getting pregnant, but then having a baby and not having a healthy baby, I think I was grappling with at the same time because they're like, you never know if your egg is abnormal or normal. So well, yeah, you've got abnormal or it's higher risk of miscarriage or it's higher risk of complicated pregnancy. I mean, it's, yeah, there's a lot. Yeah. And it's, you know, I was really scared. So I just started like going with the motions and we, out of all of those rounds of IVF, yeah
00:08:18
Speaker
we did not make one single embryo, me and my husband. So it was just, it was kind of just like heartbreaking. And I, don't know. I think I was just like the, I was suppressing all the feelings and I was just kind of just going with it. And then it wasn't until, um,
00:08:37
Speaker
like two two years after I started the IVF journey that my doctor had talked about egg donation.
Exploring Egg Donation as a New Path
00:08:45
Speaker
So, and that was kind of like this turning point, but then there was a whole saga after that. So it was like. Well, right. And I definitely wanna get into that, but before we get there,
00:08:56
Speaker
That's a little wild to me that it was, okay, hey, IVF's your route. And we have gone two years, four rounds, not a single embryo. And then we're just now learning about the egg donation piece. Yeah. Or surrogacy. Like we just didn't.
00:09:14
Speaker
have any other conversation about any other family or adoption. Like there was no other, it it was such a wild, you know, it was kind of like, let's just keep going. I was not educated at all. Like I, a lot of my friends, um,
00:09:31
Speaker
I grew up in Brooklyn. I went to a small girls Catholic high school. And a lot of my friends had just had kids right out. So they were on this different path of life. And I just wasn't exposed to being an older female and having to deal with infertility. It just wasn't something that people either spoke about or that I was like around. So I didn't even know about really anything about egg donation. and i remember growing up as um a younger like adult adult like going to college um and i used to take the train and i used to think egg donation was like this fad way to like make money and it was like this whole because they all have these posters in the train i remember i used to take the new york city subway like brooklyn into the city and i was like oh the and they used to position it as like
00:10:25
Speaker
you know there's these young girls go and and donate your eggs for money for college and it's like there were ads on the train so sure it was such a you know wild thing it feels yeah exactly like you said it kind of feels like a ah This feels like get rich quick and not like, you and especially when you don't know anything else about it. Yeah. And it's such a knowing what I know now, all these years later, I'm like, it's such a beautiful gift, right? That you, it's such a beautiful thing. um
00:10:58
Speaker
And, and it was just so misconstrued in the, their advertising. No, for sure. I think, I mean, you're hitting on something so important in just this idea of you weren't necessarily exposed to the idea of egg donation or, you know, just other ways to build a family.
00:11:21
Speaker
but you didn't even know what questions to ask. You don't know what you don't know. and it breaks my heart that you weren't counseled in here's your options.
00:11:35
Speaker
I remember now, like thinking back to all this, just sitting in the chair at the, in the doctor's office like I I really didn't even know what to say and they were trying to explain like all then you get into is it a fresh cycle is it a frozen is it an egg bank and there there's so many different paths but I I just remember sitting in the doctor's office and he drew this chart and I had been with him for a few years at that point yeah he he's like you can go this route and you can do a shared egg cycle like there were so many options and also like
00:12:08
Speaker
options that were affordable, right? Because at that time, you also have to think about financially. Absolutely. We, you know, I could have bought another house with all the money that we had invested in, like, ah like IVF and all the infertility stuff. So, um but I remember and I was like, oh my God, he had like all these different options. And I was like, how did we just waste all this time and get, you know, to get here? But yeah, yeah.
00:12:38
Speaker
Okay, you you kind of touched on it a little bit, but I know eventually you did decide to move forward with egg donation and you went through a shared donor cycle.
Choosing a Fresh Egg Donor Cycle
00:12:54
Speaker
For people who don't know what that is, can you explain that? And then how did you make that decision at that time? So they they laid out all the the options. And I knew, I think if for those that are considering this, I think it's really important just to like,
00:13:10
Speaker
um, ground yourself in what's most important. And I wanted, i wanted a lot of control over like when it happened and the type of donor, which, which you can get from an egg bank or a fresh cycle. But I, I just wanted, I'm, I'm a control freak. So I was Own it. i Own it, girl. So I wanted to do this fresh cycle where you so I worked with my clinic and to keep the cost down, we did a fresh shared cycle. So where I worked with um an ag donation clinic and um
00:13:47
Speaker
we aligned on a donor and then we um worked with that a donor to and she went through IVF for me. And then my clinic, she if she got like 16 eggs, we split them in half.
00:14:02
Speaker
So my clinic took half of the eggs and then I took half and made my embryos from them. Right. So then technically speaking, the clinic is able to have eight of those eggs. They freeze them. And now it's, you know, an egg bank situation. And then you had your eight.
00:14:23
Speaker
So to let's just say yeah um for your own cycles. Correct, yeah. And it was just, um it was it really came down to my control aspect of just knowing um so much about the donor, being able to ask a lot of questions. I think working with, um and an egg donor and and like an agency and being able to have someone that was like really on my side there and for me to ask really detailed questions about things made me feel um more relaxed about it and just way more comfortable um once once I got you know the ones who decided that we were going to egg donation so um it was a little bit of a weird experience the first round but we
00:15:12
Speaker
um We had four from the we go through the egg donation. um We went we had four embryos. So. I went through four transfers with this one um donor and none of them worked. I had one miscarriage through it. I'm so sorry. and i think Thank you. and I think you know the the miscarriage, it was the second of that that four of rounds of of transfers.
00:15:45
Speaker
I think when I had the miscarriage, I didn't, that was my, that was almost a turning point for me because I was kind of like going through motions of like, i I want to have a choice to be a mom, i but I was still grappling. I'm like, is this something society, like I'm supposed to be a mom and like, I'm getting older and there are all these things. So I was just kind of like going and I'm like, if it happens, it happens. But I think when I had the the miscarriage, i I was like, oh, this, I was so, I was a lot more upset and emotional about it than I thought, you know, it wasn't like this robotic thing. Cause I think
00:16:23
Speaker
people going through IVF, I think sometimes you have to like disassociate from, because if you get you know, and you just got to keep pushing through because it's so deep and you're just, you're trying to be this human in the world, but you have this whole other life that you're dealing with. And it's so isolating sometimes, even though there's so, I had such a support. My husband is amazing. My parents and my close friends, but yeah it's,
00:16:51
Speaker
For no matter how many, you can have armies of people around you. There's always this isolating factor that that sits with you. you Yeah. We'll get right back to the show.
Support and Resources for Hopeful Parents
00:17:03
Speaker
But real quick, if you're dreaming of growing your family through egg donation or surrogacy, we'd love to help. At Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions, we've spent 18 years guiding hopeful parents with compassion, expertise, and personal experience.
00:17:17
Speaker
Our team includes people who have been intended parents, surrogates, egg donors, and even nurses. So when we say we understand, we truly do. You can schedule a free 15-minute call with our team at createahappyfamily.com to get your questions answered and explore your next steps.
00:17:34
Speaker
You don't have to navigate this journey alone. We're here to walk it with you. All right. Let's get back to the show. For sure. And I think, you know, I love your honesty in this, that throughout this whole thing up until the point, you were still kind of is this what I want? Is this, you know? And i think for some people to hear that and be like, well, then just stop.
00:17:59
Speaker
It's not like that when you kind of get started on this, because it really does become this rollercoaster of, and now we move on to the next thing. And now we have this checkbox and you almost have to have, not have to, but you need something almost forced to like make you pause and really,
00:18:20
Speaker
assess yeah and I I think it was just I yeah it becomes this weird thing like you're you're trying to be robotic about it and just keep going but it's so emotional and I think um I think at the end of that first batch of donor eggs i was like oh my god like there it was just this moment where I'm like four embryos and they were great. I did all my PGT testing and I did and they were um genetically normal. They were pretty good embryos. And I think I was just at the end of that. I was so shocked that it didn't work. So and then you go through this whole other. Is there something wrong with me? Like it's just and I will tell you and this could be a whole other podcast episode. When I realized that I had infertility issues,
00:19:17
Speaker
I mean, when you're in it, you're in it. I did clean makeup. Like I remember I threw out every plastic, every, and I remember there was this one moment where I had bought this insane, i wanted to get rid of all the plastics. I was just like, you just go to every extreme. And I got this glass pitcher for for water in my fridge and it weighed like a hundred pounds. And I remember like, I dropped it on the floor and I, it was just like one of those moments. It was like, okay, I need to like, I need to take a step back. I was like, this is crazy. Like yeah there are some things that biologically, medically, like the universe just gave this to me. And this is my, the card I was dealt, you know? So I was like, yes, there's so many things that you can do, but it's just, you just, you know, there's, there's,
00:20:09
Speaker
you can't like make yourself so crazy like that. and I remember when the water pitcher broke, I was just like, okay, I just, I needed like chill out for a minute. So sure, sure. But I feel like so many people can relate to that. I mean, you, you said you are like self-proclaimed control freak and it was, yes, if it's clean makeup, if it's, you know, glass water pitchers, whatever, cleaning products, whatever it may be.
00:20:36
Speaker
Yeah. And it was just, and, and then, you know, doing all of that throughout this process and then seeing it didn't work was, it was just this critical point. And I just, I took a step back and i was like, I want to keep going.
00:20:54
Speaker
So, but I knew, i think at that point, I needed to make a change. I was very, I was all in on the egg donation because at this point I said, that is my best odds. And I weighed it with, again, like, you know, financial is such a big part of it too. Absolutely. We, I considered surrogate and there was all these things and I just was,
00:21:17
Speaker
I want to keep trying if I can carry a baby, which we didn't see any signs that I couldn't carry a baby at that time. So I was like, I'm just going to keep trying. So at, um, it was, the timeline is so crazy because this was all over the course of seven years. So it's it's been a long, really long journey. i was going to say, because I think there's kind of this idea of, Hey, I have set myself up for the best success.
00:21:46
Speaker
in terms of not only are we, you know, using all of the clean products and all of the things, but then it is this, Hey, we have an egg donor. This is supposed to be like ideal. yeah This is an ideal scenario. Yeah.
00:21:59
Speaker
Yeah. And I just thought I was like, Oh, that sounds like a pretty good ticket to having a baby and it'll work. And then you're at the end and you're like, you did all these things and it was just like, and then, you know, then everyone probably goes through this where it's like, was I too stressed out that round? Did I, you know, did I do something? And, and I did all of the, for those listening that are deep in the, in the IVF journey, I did the McDonald's fries, I did pineapple court, like we did it, you know, we did it all. I wore my sticky vibe socks. Like I did every, everything, you know, and
00:22:39
Speaker
I think to come out at the end, but i i i knew I wanted to keep going. but i um So with that I was grappling at that moment with breaking up with my clinic. I had been with them for so long and i just was like,
00:22:58
Speaker
I got to, something's got change. And it's such a hard thing, I think, because they know so much about your history, especially going in this and, and you know, it's it's hard to make a change. You got to get all your medical records. And like, but I was like, you know, I just need maybe like a fresh start. While I was finding another clinic, I actually was in the process of um trying to do another another egg donor round with my family.
00:23:26
Speaker
clinic, that the original clinic. and i And so just for clarity, yeah you so you were working you you were going to make a switch in terms of your clinic, your doctor.
00:23:40
Speaker
And then you had also decided, okay, we're going to move forward again with a donor. Not the same donor, though. you are going to find a different donor. Correct. Yeah. Okay. So at that time, we were like, let's do a new egg donor clinic, um and then let's do a new donor, and let's try. Maybe it was...
00:24:01
Speaker
a bad batch we didn't think, you know, whatever sure it was. And I think that's the other thing I want to say is you actually, i you don't have reasons sometimes of why it doesn't work. Like we did all the tests and it just didn't work, you know? And I think that was also something that I had to wrap my head around. Um,
00:24:22
Speaker
I'm like, I'm doing all the right things. It just, I don't know, we're not compatible. It was something. So I just chalked it up to, you know, it's, we, we weren't compatible and it wasn't meant to be. And I, so the one thing I knew i was in a little bit of a dark place at that point, because it had been so long and your body is just so wrecked from all the medication. Absolutely. So I just knew that I wanted to try, but I wanted to find a clinic and um an ag donation clinic, like a new
00:24:58
Speaker
fertility clinic and I don't know and that were positive I just wanted like positive vibes and just like to I don't know I just felt all this like grief and just anger and all these different like bad emotions and I was like whatever this next experience is for me um has to be really good and yeah I um So then while I was trying to find a new fertility clinic, I just wanted to keep the process moving because the egg donation route, it it could sometimes take long and I wanted to do a fresh cycle again. So finding a donor, working through some of the the legal aspects and all the
Hopes for Success with a Viable Embryo
00:25:38
Speaker
prep things.
00:25:38
Speaker
to get the donor and then to align on timing that the donor can do the IVF for you. It's a pretty long process. So that almost took another like eight ish months. So I'm still sitting with my um original clinic at this time. And we find a donor um through actually create a happy family. And it was such a like beautiful experience that um and everyone was so caring. I was like, this just feels good. So we went and we, with my original doctor, yeah they do the the egg retrieval. And from that round, we got one genetically normal embryo. And I think that was another like blow. It was like, how did we, we we didn't, I don't even have four chances. Like I did the first donor. Now I have one shot. yeah.
00:26:34
Speaker
I was pretty convinced at that point that I was like, this is going to be, if it doesn't work, me and my husband were like, we're going to just travel the world and like find something else. You know, I w I was really prepping myself to get to that point. Um, and then at the same, so I have my embryo, it's frozen at my original clinic.
00:26:55
Speaker
I find a new clinic. And what I wasn't prepared for was that it took months to get the embryo transferred. And let me tell you, this was a really hard decision also for the the people deep in the IVF world listening to this. they you know You read a lot about if you move a frozen embryo from the the the best odds are that it lives in the lab, that it was
00:27:27
Speaker
created it. Sure. I was just going against, I had this one embryo and I was going, I just, so my husband went to the, I remember I was at work that day. And when they finally, we had to go through all these hoops and things to get it transferred clinics.
00:27:42
Speaker
And I was like, I don't know, this is just not going, it just took forever. So I think the timeline was I think it almost took a year to like from when it took actually a year and a half from when I had um the the donor I had my one embryo to when I actually transferred it it was like a whole year this one embryo was just sitting on ice waiting to transfer and it was just once I finally got it to my new clinic every month I would go in I had a
00:28:16
Speaker
oh assist on my over like it was just it was actually like the world was just not aligned with me like i was yeah so it really took us like a year and a half with that it just sat there and But when and then we we put the embryo in January 22nd of 25. I'll never forget. And ah and I I was pregnant and it was just it was like this one miracle. And I I was so like nervous about it because also with the one one time that I actually was pregnant with the the miscarriage earlier on.
00:28:55
Speaker
the other thing that i thought was so like interesting and and not great about the clinic that i was at is they told me they were like oh yeah you're pregnant but they didn't really explain like all the beta numbers to me so oh sure actually a very low number so had i known what i know seven years later the number actually wasn't that strong. So even though it said I was pregnant, it was leaning towards it was a chemical pregnancy and like it wasn't really going to turn it, you know, be a viable pregnancy. But I didn't know that at the time. So there it's just like the education is so great. There's so much that you need to know. and And like, I just remember. So I when I was pregnant um with this last one, who is now my daughter,
00:29:46
Speaker
I just remember being like, what are the numbers? Because I sure why i like knew what to ask and I couldn't believe like they were really strong. And and like every couple days, you know, I was going to get my levels checked and I couldn't believe that they were going up. Like I was in such disbelief because it was seven years from when I started and it was such a.
00:30:08
Speaker
crazy thing. Like I, I still am even can't believe that I have a ah child. So yeah. Well, I mean, I get there's, there's so much there because I hear, again, i hear this situation of you, you found your donor, but you're, so you're,
00:30:30
Speaker
With all of the timeline and everything, you still ended up working with the clinic that you had, your your initial clinic. And it still didn't turn out, like you said, it was just one embryo, which is so scary. And in my mind, I'm like, I'm asking a thousand questions about how and what's going on and all of those things.
00:31:00
Speaker
I mean, how are you grappling with just this continued almost like, hey, and again, you you kind of also said it of like, oh, yeah, the clinic called and said like, you're pregnant, but they're not actually telling you the full story. It almost feels like there's a lot of missing information. But again, you're with this – You don't know what to ask. You don't know what you don't know.
00:31:24
Speaker
Yeah. and And think you learn definitely as you as you go. And yeah I would – I think – I don't know. You're just like – I was in this, like, disbelief of whatever. But I think I was – I was just like so surprised at how when they call you and tell you, I think because there's so many people living in this world, right, that are in this IVF. Like it's almost like a baby factory when you walk into the clinics. And it's just so many of us just like in the door going for, you know, your morning monitoring and, know, And um I don't know if there's just too many of us and they can't like do I just wish like there was ah more information given to me that would like set my expectations. So when at this time it took me the seven years of learning, but I knew to ask them like, OK, what was and this clinic was actually.
00:32:24
Speaker
I have like a little dashboard. So I would say for anyone, your new clinic, yeah, my new clinic, um I would say that actually was a really important factor. Like I had so much information in this portal available to me where my, my original clinic did not.
00:32:42
Speaker
So I saw the numbers myself. I had access to things easier. So I was able to do my own
Finding a Supportive Clinic
00:32:48
Speaker
research. And I think that that really helped. Um, But yeah, it was, and I will say that um i I was really struggling with changing things up so late in the process, but I think you have to just trust your gut and um figure out what's most important to you. And to me, it's just, I wanted to make sure that um i had the best chances possible of having a healthy baby wherever the baby came from.
00:33:21
Speaker
And I wanted also this positive experience. So, and when I tell you i did everything that I could to make this experience positive, I actually left my gynecologist because I didn't like the people in the front desk and they were, they were really mean. But you can't give up because i will say there's always a way. And I think when I learned about egg donation and surrogacy, there's always a way to get a happy ending for you. And I think once you, I know it's really hard for some people to, some people like the DNA thing is hard, you know, like there's all these different things and, that are deeply personal to everyone. But I would say to not give up in your journey because it's just a perfect, I can't even believe like it's seven years later. um And I will say when you hold that baby, however, the baby comes to you, you, it's almost like you forget about all the the war zone that you were in, right? Like for those years before it just, It really and I remember one person telling me that and all the shots and I remember my stomach was like, I just had like a minefield of just like bruises and absolutely. Yeah, it was wild times. And it just seems like such a distant memory now. When I i have my daughter. So yeah. Oh, I love that.
00:34:50
Speaker
i I keep going back to ah just that decision because I think you're so right. it is, you ended up trusting your gut when you were deciding to make all of the, you know, the the different changes, but you had invested so much and there's more, I mean, there's, there's such a fear of you're already in this world of unknown and now you're almost choosing an unknown. How did you, and again, you ultimately said you trusted your gut, but how did you decide
00:35:29
Speaker
hey, this this was worth it to me. i I had so much doubt, but in the same time, i was like trying to override it to really trust my gut. And it's true. Like so many people, i remember listening to podcasts, so so many podcasts when I was in it, right? Because you're just...
00:35:49
Speaker
You're in it. You're in it. It's just like, yeah, all you consume right outside of whatever you have to do to survive. mean, it becomes your identity. It really is. And yeah I remember hearing so many stories of it just takes one. it just say andnna And I was in such a dark place. i'm like, oh, that's never going to be made. Like it's never going happen. And like do. And then, but it really does. It just takes one. And there's so many things.
00:36:13
Speaker
you really do have to trust your your gut and figure out like those those most important aspects for you to just make yourself keep going. Because um what I learned so many years into it is there's always, you know, a way to get there. Yeah.
00:36:29
Speaker
yeah I know you said, so transfer day came. it was scary. And then, but then you're also getting those numbers. At what point did maybe fear turn into hope?
00:36:50
Speaker
And maybe at what point were you able to kind of take a deep breath? So, um, I, I go on this trip the day after my transfer and and i I remember on the plane there, I said, I'm going to do everything opposite of what I did the last time the last couple of transfers. I think at that moment, i I think it was knowing that I only had this one shot and I was like, I have to i have to just give it to the universe to like yeah whatever is in the cards for me. And then i was like, I think just trusting in my heart that if this didn't work, I would really
00:37:29
Speaker
take a step back and figure out what my next step was and that I would be OK. I kept telling myself, like, I'll find a way to be OK, whatever that is. And, you know, and my husband had a lot of ah conversations about it and whoever you're partner is or whoever's standing aside beside you in the journey. It's just like really just making sure that I was okay. So I think that was like the first turning point that I'm like, I'm going to make this into a really positive experience this time because I got one shot. So I'm like, I'm going to just, you know, try and be positive. And then
00:38:05
Speaker
when I really was able to um kind of like just let everything go and be like, oh, my God, I'm pregnant was when I graduated the fertility clinic. And it was just It was around seven or eight weeks, and I couldn't even believe that i they were letting me free and that I wasn't going to be seeing them every like two days. And it was almost like. When I remember um when the nurse called me with like my final instructions and like the discharge papers, I was like, what You're discharging me? Like it was just because people that are in this world and you're just like the nurses, they are like the true heroes, like those like fertility nurses, like
00:38:49
Speaker
sitting with you and the transfers and calling you every day with instructions and what to do. um But that was those were like the two like points. It was almost like a little stepping stone. Like i was like, I'm gonna be really positive. It's my last like shot for now. I was like, I'll figure it all out after.
Successful Pregnancy and Emotional Graduation
00:39:06
Speaker
And then, yeah the the graduation from the fertility clinic was like, i it was almost like shock, too, because I was like, how are they letting me free? it was like, I don't know. Well, exactly. I love this image of just like they're letting me free because, yes, it had been seven years of
00:39:25
Speaker
like you said, it's your identity. You are like, you're getting phone calls. You're looking at labs. You're learning a whole new language. You're, I mean, going into these appointments while you're still having to like lead. It's you, you have like a double life going on. There's a lot. It was crazy. And then I think like, um, when you have to shift gears to,
00:39:47
Speaker
ah learn like I'm like, oh my God, I tried. i think there was this point when i after I graduated, i it was this point where i was like, oh, wow. I was like, now I have to figure out how to raise a human. I spent all this time figuring out just how to...
00:40:03
Speaker
get a good embryo and get pregnant that right I have no idea what is next. So, yeah, it was just this crazy turning point. But when i I think really the positivity, it was so amazing, just like the celebration of and I will say the sweetest part of this, um and I'm going to cry it's like even saying it, but there was this woman at Create a Happy Family that was my person there. And um she kept reaching out for a really long time, checking in with me to see, oh and and I would almost cringe every time i had to email her back because
00:40:48
Speaker
there was no update. You know, she's like, oh, did you do the transfer? And it's just because by the time the egg got the the embryo got transferred and then by the time my body was ready to do the transfer, it was such a long it was like a year and a half. It was the craziest thing. So I was like, I have good news. I'm going. And I know she was like anxiously awaiting me to be able to tell her. But I couldn't, I actually, before we were going to get on the i on the the phone today, I looked at that email and I was like, it's such a special memory. Yeah, no, for sure. it And I, again, i love this because I feel like this highlights...
00:41:32
Speaker
just, you you said it earlier. And I mean, it's so cringe, just this idea of, you know, feeling like you're part of a baby factory of like, I'm just a number. I'm just going in I'm just going through the motions and things like that. And i love that you have had we're able to have the experience of people genuinely invested in wanting to walk alongside you and not just up to, okay, great. Yay. You did your egg donation. Okay. Good luck. But like, no, we like, we want to see, we want to see it through. we
00:42:11
Speaker
it was just such a special, like someone was so invested in you know, seeing it through and, and it was such a journey. So to have these like, almost like strangers, right. Like, just like they don't know what me about my personal, they know me in this journey and just to be able to celebrate it together was such a cool thing. And even when I graduated from the yeah the fertility clinic, like all the nurses, they all stood and clapped. It was just like such special moments. So it i will say like just finding a positive
00:42:45
Speaker
And like, it's so important to have that like really positive support from your clinics and really trust in the people that are around you because it makes such a difference. And, you know, I'll never know what it was about this special embryo, but I will say that the one that worked had all this like great, vibe it had really good vibes around it the whole time. So yeah.
00:43:09
Speaker
Yes, for sure What so what has I mean, you kind of have already said like, you can hardly even believe that like she's here. what has it been like just having her here after everything up to this point, how do you make sense of it all?
00:43:29
Speaker
I don't know. It's a wild time. And, um, she came at 37 weeks. we Oh, I'm sure it was wild. We were so nervous about all the things that had went on with me before. So, it was a really time. Just, it was so crazy. And when I, um,
00:43:51
Speaker
I think when I had her, it was like, oh my God, I have to keep this human alive now. And it was just your, but your gears, I think that was the, it was such a crazy part. It's just your gears just switch and you you just,
00:44:06
Speaker
The past is the past. And however, the you know, she got here, she got here. And um yeah, postpartum was a whole thing. I think I was just not prepared for, but we made it. And now we're in the thick of things
Advice for Others on the Fertility Journey
00:44:20
Speaker
here. And I make sure that, you know, I'm i'm happily living in the chaos. So.
00:44:27
Speaker
Absolutely. Absolutely. No, you're so right. for For someone listening who might be in the middle of a long or uncertain journey, what would you want them to know?
00:44:45
Speaker
I think to just keep going. i think to explore all your options, to to ask all the questions. I think I... I know there was a lot of times, especially in the first couple of years where you don't know what you don't know. And I and sometimes I felt afraid to ask questions ah to my doctor. And I think so. I think it's really important to just make sure you feel comfortable and supported by your especially at the clinic, because I think.
00:45:18
Speaker
I would have pushed more and I think I'm, I didn't want to come off pushy and I was just kind of like going with emotions, but I feel like I could have advocated a little more for myself at the beginning. Um, and I was too kind of scared to to speak up and say anything. So I think just being the comfortableness, but your doctor and I feel like there was a lot of times I felt dismissed and,
00:45:45
Speaker
i I didn't like that feeling, but I kind of just kind kept going on. So just really trust your gut. And if you think it's time for a change, like, just do it and just start start over. And I think you just got to keep going. And and be positive i think even though it's so hard um it is so hard to be positive and there were trust me so many days most of the days i was in like a dark place but um you just kind of keep your warrior in this so it's like it's uh but just keep going
00:46:21
Speaker
I love that. What, what were the things that you were holding onto to try and keep that positivity? I love to just like work out and be outdoors. So I made sure that mentally, like that was a big thing for me. it's just like moving my body and, and doing that. And then I really did try and,
00:46:43
Speaker
keep doing the things I loved. Like I would, i I love going to concerts and I'm a very like social person. So I just made sure to just like keep myself busy in that aspect. Cause I think it's, it is easy to feel not great when you're on all the the medications and stuff. And I remember I was so puffy and you're hormonal and there's all these things going on. But I really did force myself to get out and be with my friend because you can just kind of like, there were some days I just wanted to like rot on my couch, to be honest. And, but you know, and it's just like be in my feelings. But i it really did change my perspective. Absolutely. And with a friend and just like force myself to keep going out just because
00:47:33
Speaker
you don't want to you, you, you need to surround yourself with things to feel like this is not the only thing going on in your life, you know? So even though in your, in your mind, I think it always is like, you know, cause it's all you're thinking about, but just making the space to just be yourself, you know, make sure you get back to the things that you love and you keep doing them to, to help push you along.
00:47:59
Speaker
Uh-huh. Absolutely. Well, and again, and that's what's so great about making sure that you are surrounding yourself with a support system, whether it's, you know, not only your partner or, you know, your go-to, but also just your extended, you know, your group of friends, your family, you know, just all of that. It really is so important because, yeah, you can't you can't let the rotting win. Yeah.
00:48:23
Speaker
As long as the journey was, i love that it has had such an amazing, happy ending. And I am so grateful that you have been willing to just share your story and share all of the things that you learned, the good, the bad, the ugly, just all of it.
00:48:44
Speaker
I have one last question for you, and it's a fun one. Um, so whole time been sipping on my coffee because that is what brings me joy. Um, and coffee and I are, I'm very dependent. So I always love to ask the question, what has filled your cup today, literally or figuratively?
00:49:05
Speaker
What's been the thing to fill
Gratitude and Joy in Motherhood
00:49:06
Speaker
your cup? It was such a little thing, but just seeing her and her a cute little sleepy sack and wishing that I could be just like that in a crib and not going to work this morning.
00:49:16
Speaker
But really, it did. And it was and and speak getting to speak to you and and share the story. Absolutely. Really really do i I really want to pay it forward. So no um I am happy to even talk individually to anyone. i think just having a network of people and just being really open about it um has helped me so much because once I was able, once I was like comfortable to share and I happily share that she is a beautiful donation story to anyone that asks. Um,
00:49:55
Speaker
it just is freeing almost, you know? i just like, you feel free. so i'm So I was so happy to get to talk to you today. Thank you, Jennifer. It really has been such a pleasure. And I love the sleep sack moments. Oh, it's so cozy and the messed hair. And oh, it's the best.
00:50:13
Speaker
Well, really, thank you so much. I mean, again, your journey is just, there's there's so much strength, there's so much courage, there's so much vulnerability. um and I just, again, I'm so grateful for for you willing to share. And so happy first Mother's Day with your sweet girl.
00:50:33
Speaker
ah