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S3 NIAW E2 Who?! Kiely Shimabukuro - Building Community Through Surrogacy
6 Plays1 hour ago
Summary
In this episode, Kiely Shimabukuro takes us through her incredible journey as a four-time gestational carrier, sharing the experiences that have shaped her dedication to the surrogacy community. She talks about the importance of validation and connection, the challenges faced by surrogates, and how her passion for advocacy led her to create a safe space for sharing experiences and seeking advice. From blogging about her journey to writing books and launching a support group with Resolve, Kiely emphasizes the power of community and education. She also highlights the emotional support she received from her husband and the critical role of resources and a supportive agency in ensuring a positive surrogacy experience. This episode is a testament to the beauty of connection and the value of finding the right support in the world of surrogacy.
Takeaways
-Blogging was a way for Kiely to share her experiences and connect with others.
-Social media platforms like TikTok have allowed Kiely to reach a wider audience.
-The support group for surrogates is the first of its kind, focusing on their unique needs.
-Kiely emphasizes the importance of community and validation for surrogates.
-The 'Send a Friend' program aims to connect surrogates in need with experienced peers.
-Kiely believes that every surrogate's journey is unique and deserves to be heard.
-Kiely hopes to empower surrogates through shared experiences and support.
-Asking questions is crucial in understanding the surrogacy process.
-Navigating skepticism about surrogacy requires confidence in one's motivations.
-Choosing a reputable agency can significantly impact the surrogacy experience.
-Surrogacy can be a fulfilling experience despite societal perceptions.
-It's important for surrogates to advocate for themselves and their needs.
-Having a supportive partner is vital for a successful surrogacy journey.
-Resources like books and support groups can help surrogates feel more prepared.
-The landscape of surrogacy is evolving with more resources available now than in the past.
-Building a community can help surrogates navigate their journeys more effectively.
Links
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Kylie and Surrogacy Advocacy
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi everyone, and welcome to me, you, and who. In this episode, we have returning guest, Kylie, a four-time gestational carrier who has turned her personal experience into a mission to support others.
00:00:15
Speaker
Kylie shares about how her passion for surrogacy evolved from her first time as a surrogate to becoming an author, and now through the creation of a surrogacy community support group through Resolve.
00:00:26
Speaker
Her dedication to validation, connection, and education has made her a true advocate for surrogates. Join us as Kylie discusses the importance of asking questions, choosing the right agency, and finding the support needed to embrace the surrogacy journey.
00:00:43
Speaker
Please enjoy. me you, and who? Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby in a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic.
Kylie's Journey from Surrogate to Author and Advocate
00:00:55
Speaker
This podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways. My name is Whitney Hall. and I am a two time surrogate now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions.
00:01:12
Speaker
the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families. With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
00:01:41
Speaker
Good morning. kylie I'm so glad you're here. good morning. Thanks. so you are actually a returning guest of the podcast. But for those who don't know, you are a four-time GC with each journey being completely different than the last. And you have since taken your knowledge gained from those experiences and have gone to social media um as well as become an author and you have written four books.
00:02:14
Speaker
What would you say was maybe your main motivation whenever you decided to put pen to paper? I, gosh, you know, the first journey was,
00:02:28
Speaker
was really just such, there was such a learning curve, you know, i knew sharp of the basics. I am good at reaching out and asking questions and being vocal and making sure I have a ah good understanding. So I, there was a lot of communication happening along the way in my first journey with the fertility clinic, with the parents, with surrogate solutions.
00:02:53
Speaker
And I was learning so much about, about all of the little details. And I decided to blog about it my first journey and just kind of share my perspective and my mindset and these things that I was learning. And I just got more and more passionate about this experience along the way.
00:03:16
Speaker
ah and After blogging, like the first time, i it developed into TikTok.
00:03:27
Speaker
The end of the second time, I kind of blogged about it a little bit the second time. And then toward the end of the second time, gearing up for the third time, all of that kind of communication and my perception came out in TikTok and I kind of grew a presence there.
00:03:44
Speaker
And then as the the third journey was ending, I was like, you know what? I have learned so much and I love this all so much. And I really feel good about my mindset and my perception.
00:04:00
Speaker
And these like 10 second, 30 second TikToks aren't cutting it. Absolutely. There's much fun. I have so much more that I want to say.
00:04:12
Speaker
and I the that I articulate things is really relatable to other people and and certainly other surrogates. At least that's what I've found so far. I've gotten a lot of feedback.
00:04:24
Speaker
So the main motivator for me was just let me put everything that's going on in here in a book that is helpful other surrogates in their journey.
00:04:41
Speaker
And i took everything that was on my blog and everything that I knew I wanted to say at that point and put it all together and just kept typing and just...
00:04:53
Speaker
going And elaborated and did some backstory. And anyway, i put it all together and fine tuned it a little bit.
00:05:04
Speaker
Had some people that I trust pitch in and edit it a little, paid someone to format it and it on out there for the world. Yeah, for sure. And I mean, like you said, I know it's been a benefit to so many. And I think, you know, something that I hear you say is, you know, what was a just, oh, yeah, I'm just going to blog about my experience and maybe kind of journal it and keep track of it sort of situation.
Establishing the First Support Group for Surrogates
00:05:30
Speaker
It sounds like you're underlying, you've always just wanted to be a voice and to help others and to educate others. And, you know, I think in a world where you have TikTok and you have social media and it's so easy to go down rabbit holes of, you know, misinformation and things like that, I think it's wonderful to have someone out there like you who is, you know, saying, hey, hi, look, this is actually like real stuff. This is a real experience that, you know, I want to share with you and, you know, and that amazing perspective. And I know that's so helpful for other carriers, which leads me into your new endeavor, which is with Resolve, the National Infertility Association. And you have since created a support group for just gestational carriers.
00:06:20
Speaker
How did that even begin? it it is the very, very first of its kind ever, first ever support group ever. support group for exclusive exclusively four surrogates.
00:06:34
Speaker
nice you know, I am, I don't know everything. Yeah, I've had four surrogates. I've ah been a s surrogate four times. I've had a lot of different unique experiences, but I don't know everything. There's so much perspective out there that is to be gained from other people and other women and other journeys.
00:06:57
Speaker
and And I'm also not a doctor. Super clear about that in my book. Everything I have to say and everything that I'm bringing to the table is just totally my own perspective and experiences.
00:07:12
Speaker
and I get a lot of value. Other people seem to get a lot of value from what I bring to the table. And I've gotten a lot of value from what other people bring to the table, whether it's on yeah TikTok, YouTube or Facebook.
00:07:26
Speaker
And as much value as I think there is and seeing other perspectives, on Facebook, there's a lot of toxicity there too. And that's, I mean, it's not, there's no surprise there. Everybody knows that there's a little bit of that when people are hidden behind a keyboard.
00:07:44
Speaker
Sure. I knew there had to be a better way for women all over the country to come together and ask a question and get some perspective and connect with like-minded women without the the toxicity.
00:08:03
Speaker
um so I knew of ah resolve a lot of people in the infertility world do. And I would absolutely say that surrogates, even though maybe we haven't struggled with infertility ourselves and some do, but I i imagine most don't.
00:08:20
Speaker
We as surrogates are still involved in the infertility world doing what we do. So i learned about, resolve and just how huge of an advocate they are in the industry and what all resources they provide to the people in the infertility world.
00:08:39
Speaker
And I saw that there were support groups there. And as I have gotten more and more involved and invested in the surrogacy world, I have just kind of noticed a lot of these resources and a lot of these organizations and a lot of the content is geared for professionals.
00:09:03
Speaker
It's geared for the reproductive endocrinologist. It's for the agency. It's for the fertility clinic. There isn't a lot that is exclusively for surrogates.
00:09:14
Speaker
There just isn't every professional group out there that is advocating for surrogacy. God bless them. But there isn't a lot that is exclusively for surrogates or where a surrogate is involved, giving her perspective, maybe it's all professionals.
00:09:32
Speaker
So I went to this resolve support group area and thought, man, it would be really cool if there was something on here, like just for surrogates, you know, and there wasn't, but,
00:09:46
Speaker
There was a you know little bucket, little link there to say, hey, if you wanna start your own peer led support group, here's how to do that. So I just started down the journey in like February of this year and got an email pretty quick. And she said, you know, step one of this is getting on this call with me because we really need to set our expectations and kind of guide you through how we do this.
00:10:16
Speaker
And there's a lot of support and structure here for you, but you need to know what you're getting into and follow kind of this template that we have out there or this structure that we've built for you.
00:10:28
Speaker
So I went on that call for the first time, learned really what I needed to do. And then the ball was in my court to create the group or the, you know,
00:10:43
Speaker
enable people to sign up for this. And I thought, man, this is so great because March is surrogacy awareness month and I'm going to get this out in March and it's going to be awesome.
00:10:54
Speaker
And i was like way pregnant at that time. I mean, I was probably just getting into my third trimester for this last journey. And, you know, here we are, August, September, and like hadn't done anything. And I guess we're so motivated and then I'm gonna do this.
00:11:17
Speaker
I'm gonna do this. I know the ball's in my court. I'm gonna get there. And, and you know, one thing led to another and it just got pushed to the wayside as many things do when you're juggling everything.
00:11:30
Speaker
Absolutely. But then I was, I had a ah hip surgery on September 30th and it was no big deal. sounds like a bigger deal than it is. It really wasn't.
00:11:43
Speaker
And i think the way that they described it was it's a big surgery with a little incision, but oh nice i I was off work for two weeks after this surgery and just spent a lot of time in bed, just recovering and taking it easy.
00:12:02
Speaker
And so I had my laptop there and man, I got so much stuff done. ah of It's amazing what happens when life forces you to like take a break.
00:12:14
Speaker
And every once in a while I need that. i was like, shoot, what other surgeries can schedule?
00:12:23
Speaker
But during that recovery time after this surgery, I just got so much stuff done, so much work organized and boxes checked. And one of these boxes that I checked was saying, OK, reconnected with Christy at Resolve.
00:12:37
Speaker
And said, OK, what do I need to do? Let's maybe start from the beginning. Let's do this call again. And in a matter of a week, I had the group up on the Resolve website. I had created something on Canva that just kind of hyped it up and explained what it is, shared it all over Facebook, and it it got quite the quite a bit of attention.
00:13:03
Speaker
i they set the expectation Resolved that hey, you know these groups are and kind of should be rather small and i thought okay cool that kind of makes for a better dynamic to like make sure everybody has their voice heard sure and So we had our first call ah last week.
00:13:23
Speaker
Yeah last week on ah seventh and There was a handful of us. There was like four or five but we were talking and chatting and connecting the whole way through. and it was really cool to see the different perspectives that were on that call because there were no two women with the exact same cookie cutter journey. Everyone was, it was very different. One that was researching and one, ah one that's newly retired and one that's in her first journey and one that's caring for a family member. And everyone had questions and,
00:13:58
Speaker
it It was just a really cool dynamic. And the first of first of many, the idea is to do this support group call on the first Thursday of every month going forward.
00:14:11
Speaker
And one of these days, be cool to have a backup in case I'm not there, but at the moment, it's all me and I'm loving it so far. That's awesome. So going back to when you were exploring, you know, the Resolve website and, you know, just you were looking and you you mentioned, you know, a lot of things are for professionals or, you know, intended parents. um What made you think that...
00:14:41
Speaker
Having, i guess, what was what was kind of that motivation of, you know, having a support group, this type of support for surrogates? Why is that necessary?
00:14:54
Speaker
Why do you feel like that is necessary? I think it's. Going back to what I said about Facebook, Facebook is a huge resource for surrogates. There's some educational content on the Resolve website for surrogates and kind of teeing up some expectations there. There's some information on the ASRM um website.
00:15:18
Speaker
There's a ton of information you could get from any good agency out there, but... nonetheless, a lot of women are using these Facebook groups. There's tens of thousands of women in these Facebook groups.
00:15:30
Speaker
Yeah. and like I said, it as, as cool as it is to see all these different perspectives and get a quick answer or get some direction or, or whatever, i read some of these comments sometimes and i get to one bit of their sentence and I'm like, Oh, man, girl, you're going get ripped apart.
00:15:52
Speaker
Oh, yeah. oh my It's so real. i ah for For example, this one girl had posted recently about how all she was looking for was community and maybe a little bit of validation and you guys know what I'm going through so let me tell you how excited I am and it'd be really cool if other people were excited for me I'm convinced that's what she was looking for because all she all her post was hey guys I'm so excited we have our transfer tomorrow the parents are gonna be there you know we're wearing these shirts all these things and then she said in there that it was a double embryo transfer which
00:16:37
Speaker
By the way, it's totally your choice to do. ah Right. Medical professionals involved in this whole thing. Right. It's totally to choose to do that. Surrogates on the same page.
00:16:48
Speaker
Doctors on the same page. IPs are on the same page. If that's what they choose, guys, stay in your lane. You know, she said it in their double embryo transfer. And I thought, oh she's just going to get it. And all of her comments were like, I would never do an embryo transfer. You don't even know how risky that is.
00:17:09
Speaker
And I'm like, can somebody just love her? Yeah. And I'm like, super excited for you. You know, cheers to the rest of this journey. I hope everything's successful. Yeah.
00:17:21
Speaker
because that's what she was looking for. you know what I mean? Right, right.
Support Initiatives and Community Building
00:17:26
Speaker
I thought if I can change this dynamic a little bit and get people away from their keyboard and put the people that really want community face to face or at least voice to voice, I bet it would be a little bit less toxic and a lot more helpful.
00:17:45
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, that's a beautiful way to sum it up because I think you're so right. And you said it best, you know, everybody can, it's so easy to be a keyboard crusader. i But as soon as you actually put a name to a face and you meet somebody, I mean, there's, there's people behind those little names at the top, you know, those are real people, whether you agree or don't disagree, um you know, and yeah, I think having that community great.
00:18:14
Speaker
So important. And I think that's what people were originally thinking when those Facebook groups were created. no I don't I don't mean to bash on these Facebook groups. So going to say something super positive about these Facebook groups, all in the vein of, you know, community.
00:18:32
Speaker
After I set up this resolve group and people were starting to sign up, yeah I have had this other, you know, project on my heart for a while.
00:18:43
Speaker
And I remember talking to another surrogate and her and I were thinking, You know, how cool would it be if like there was somebody that worked at the hospital that like understood this circusy situation and and could like meet with you while you're in, you know, labor and delivery recovery and could just totally empathize and validate you and be with you in that moment and just be a friend.
00:19:10
Speaker
And I thought, man, that'd be cool if there was like some position like that at a hospital. You know, I'm not going to hold my breath. But then I thought on it more and I thought, you know, what would validate a surrogate in that moment and make her feel like she has a community in that moment. And it's a pretty unique situation, as you know, to be recovering in labor and delivery. There's no infant there that is a product of your relationship. It's sure. Sure. I think we can all count the many times where we've been in the hospital and the person comes in and says, where's the baby?
00:19:49
Speaker
And you're like, no, no, no, not me. I don't know.
00:19:57
Speaker
it's It's just a ah different dynamic. And it's awesome. It's wonderful. It's empowering and fulfilling, but it's ah just a little bit different. And especially for a first-time surrogate, it's just something that you are navigating and experiencing for the first time moment by moment.
00:20:16
Speaker
So you know who understands what you're going through and knows what that feels like? Another surrogate. right I put together this whole program called send a friend and i communicated it in every Facebook group I'm in, which ah people all over the country are probably kind of overseeing my things. And cause we're all in multiple groups, you know? Sure. Sure.
00:20:44
Speaker
ah People are seeing it in like five, six different places, which is fine. But I said, Hey, if you're an experienced surrogate, go to my website, click on this button and volunteer.
00:20:59
Speaker
And I'm going to have this other button for women that are about to deliver or, hey, I've just delivered and I'm in the hospital for a couple more days or whatever it may be. And they're going to request that we send a friend and they're going to tell us a little bit about their journey and or not, and at the very least, they're just gonna say, hey, I i need a surrogate friend.
00:21:22
Speaker
And from all of these volunteers that have signed up, I'm gonna see where there's the closest volunteer to that surrogate that needs a friend, and I'm gonna send one over. And I'm gonna say, hey, you're in Springfield,
00:21:37
Speaker
Jessica, so is Heather. And Heather totally wants to come and sit with you and and talk to you and be a friend for you in this moment. And i rolled that out, I don't know, three, three, four weeks ago. And there's ah couple hundred volunteers from all over the country, almost one in every state across the country.
00:22:02
Speaker
have volunteered and are super excited and it doesn't cost anybody any money. I'm not making any money off of it. It's totally just this volunteer based, a testament to the hearts of surrogates that just want to be a friend to other surrogates.
00:22:17
Speaker
Yeah. Well, it's community. I think going back to, you know, the beginning of this, it's community. And I think that is what, and it's a special community. I mean, it really is. And for anybody who, you know, thinks that, oh, you know, that myth of everyone's only motivated by money or, you know, just, just that kind of thing.
00:22:39
Speaker
You, you can't be, you can't be in this space and yeah not have any sort of i mean you have to be selfless in some way, shape or form. And there's something so beautiful about this community.
Resources and Guidance for Surrogates
00:22:53
Speaker
And I think it's amazing that you are finding all of these ways to support, to educate, to help others because not everybody, you know, chooses to go the agency route and has a coordinator that's been a surrogate before and can hold your hand through that first journey and can be a part of that, um you know, exchange of information and and be there to support you. And it's beautiful um that you are bringing to light just the goodness that is being a carrier and supporting others that are. I think that's amazing.
00:23:28
Speaker
What would you say is, you know, what what would you want ah surrogate to feel when they walk away from that support group?
00:23:44
Speaker
I would love for somebody to walk away from that experience feeling
00:23:52
Speaker
validated and related to. It's a small community. Yeah. But...
00:24:00
Speaker
There's a lot of others that understand what you're going through and what you're navigating and what... your thought process might be and what your mindset might be.
00:24:14
Speaker
And if you're wondering how do i navigate this whole taking time off of work thing after delivery, or how do i get my husband on board maybe, or how do I talk tell my kids that I'm thinking about being a surrogate or what if,
00:24:32
Speaker
we're talking to the IPs and they don't want to be in the delivery room? Or what if I feel really strongly about an epidural and the IPs don't want an epidural? Or what if you name it?
00:24:42
Speaker
Sure. There's somebody out there that has kind of been in your shoes already and it may just take the two of you getting on a call for a second and you don't have to figure this out on your own or reinvent the wheel because you have a friend that's been there.
00:24:58
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. There's something beautiful about that for sure i think howdy How do you feel like you would have benefited from something like this during your journeys?
00:25:12
Speaker
Man, i
00:25:17
Speaker
I did a lot of work on my own to ask a ah ton of questions of, by the time we got to embryo transfer, I thought, man, I should bring this lady flowers.
00:25:34
Speaker
um The coordinator at the fertility clinic, And i may have I may have even brought her something, but she was just amazing. And she answered so many questions. And why why this dose and why that? Well, there's this other thing out there. How come this? And what ah how did that how do these make sense? and Sure. Things that like maybe not everybody asks. like I had a i had an eye appointment one time, and this ophthalmologist that I was talking to, he said, are you an engineer?
00:26:07
Speaker
No? It's like, you just ask so many questions.
00:26:12
Speaker
i do I want and need to know the why. And man, as soon as you get me there, as soon as you help me understand the full picture and the why that's, that's all I need. And i I'm going fully understand it. I can teach other people, you know, i just need you to help me connect a couple dots. And i did that work on my own. There really wasn't a lot of you know, hey, here, watch this video or hey, there's a ton of people on TikTok that are sharing their perspective. It was really just Facebook.
00:26:47
Speaker
And I'm making myself sound way old.
00:26:52
Speaker
Technology's fast. Technology's fast.
00:26:56
Speaker
just wasn't as much out there when I started in whatever 2016, 2017. Yeah. yeah As there is
Advice for New Surrogates
00:27:06
Speaker
now. And even now, like I said, there is still isn't a ton of resources specifically for surrogates, which is why I'm on the journey that I'm on to to help kind of fill that gap. And I think, man, in another five, 10 years from now, I think that landscape is going to look pretty different.
00:27:27
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But you are so right. I think, you know, it's also a personality thing. You are someone who is perfectly capable and you know, it is your duty to yourself to ask those questions and to find out that way. And then there are others who are either afraid or, you know, I know for me, I was very much a go and get along kind of girl. I was like, sure, great. If this gets us to it from point A to point B, I am down for it.
00:27:56
Speaker
um And, you know, but...
00:28:00
Speaker
To have either the ability to find out that why from others who are either in your shoes, about to be in your shoes, or have a different perspective, or to just have that community.
00:28:17
Speaker
Something like this support group is so important for other surrogates out there who are looking for that safe space. Yeah, and i I think so too.
00:28:29
Speaker
And, you know, what as i think it's a cool strength of mine to push and to ask and to take that initiative and to find out.
00:28:41
Speaker
But at the same time, I've definitely been on the flip side of that. And people will ask, like, well, what was your what were what was your HCG levels along the way? I'm like, shoot, I don't know.
00:28:54
Speaker
what I've slept since then. i I wrote it down once and it was the journey where we transferred the one embryo and she split and I ended up getting twins.
00:29:06
Speaker
And the difference in the HCG numbers from the beta to the second draw was like, Ooh, maybe there's two humans. There's something here. Sure. but Besides that, like i I, just kind of get to the next stage where,
00:29:24
Speaker
And i just kind of compartmentalize a little bit and I'm like okay, cool. So what do we do now? Okay, great. That's done. On to the next thing. Okay, great. That's done. On to the next thing. Right. She's checking her boxes.
00:29:35
Speaker
She's checking her boxes. I just move on to the next thing. So to ask me to like, look back three journeys and and find out like how thick was your uterine lining? I'm like, girl, I don't know.
00:29:46
Speaker
i have no idea For sure. For sure. No, absolutely. Absolutely. For, okay. So for someone, because you are the question asker and for someone who is maybe starting this process, what what would you want day one Kylie to know as you're getting started as this seed of a, Hey, I think I want to be a surrogate.
00:30:07
Speaker
I think it's important to know that there's a perception out there and not everybody loves surrogacy. Not everybody thinks that surrogates are,
00:30:19
Speaker
ah helpers, selfless, good-hearted people. You know? There's a perception out there that isn't all that positive. And that may take a bit of navigating.
00:30:31
Speaker
You kind of have to have to anticipate some skeptics and be... super confident about why you're wanting to be a surrogate.
00:30:46
Speaker
And for me, I felt that confidence pretty quickly. And surrogacy has been really one of the only things that I just, you can put me on with anybody and I'm not backing down, girl. I hear you. I hear you. And I,
00:31:03
Speaker
i get that that's how you feel or that's what you you think about surrogacy, yeah I'm convinced that you probably don't truly know everything about surrogacy if that's how you feel. Mm-hmm.
00:31:16
Speaker
I, aside from having my own kids, it's been one of the most fulfilling things I've ever done. And I've loved every damn bit of it along the way, all four times. So i think one of one of the first things that I would hope any new surrogate would understand is that there's a ah bit of navigating to do and some skepticism that you're going to face and and be confident.
Choosing the Right Agency and Support Systems
00:31:39
Speaker
Put that in a in its own bucket in your brain, close it up, and move it. For sure. For sure. Absolutely. Your why your're why is that big base, for sure.
00:31:52
Speaker
Yeah. I think another thing that I would hope that women are really thinking about is how... how they're going to start this journey, whether it's independent or through an agency, you can go either way. There's pros and cons either way.
00:32:11
Speaker
But if you're going through an agency, there are lots of things that you should think about and lots of questions that you should be prepared to ask and you should be advocating for yourself and find an agency that's going to love you enough to advocate with you.
00:32:29
Speaker
and i Thinking back, man, I am so lucky because i talked to one agency, one person, didn't necessarily do my research that everybody's like, you know, they'll rip you apart on Facebook for this too. Like, have you even done your research?
00:32:49
Speaker
Oh, the phrase. Your agency has so many red flags and, you know. this, that, and the other. I absolutely did not do my research. I just got really freaking lucky with thinking, okay.
00:33:05
Speaker
And a lot of surrogates think, you know, where's the closest agency to me? And the location of the agency is really irrelevant to you ah as a surrogate, but that's kind of where we start. Like what's the closest one? And to me at that time, and I think it still is, surrogate solutions was the closest one to me.
00:33:23
Speaker
So I read every word on the website. And when I had reached out to, you know, whatever email that they had there to get some more information, lo and behold, the owner at the time lived in the same city as me.
00:33:38
Speaker
we got her frozen yogurt. I brought my husband along and she just kindly and empathetically and very simply with zero pressure, just informationally asked every question that we had.
00:33:51
Speaker
And I have felt that level of empathy and advocacy and love and support from every person I've ever come in contact with at Surrogate Solutions.
00:34:03
Speaker
And other women that connect with other agencies, and there's a lot out there, aren't that lucky, you know? And should I have done a little bit more research that I can say like, oh yeah, I've talked to this and I i wish I would have, I would have ended up the same way and still connecting. Sure.
00:34:25
Speaker
i I just think it's important at the very beginning to, especially now, because there's so many more agencies out there now than there was in 2016. But there that whenever I talk about an agency now or the concept of going through an agency, I'll add that good agency in there because there's some that just aren't.
00:34:47
Speaker
And I'm not going to name any names. no I hope nobody really does in the format like this. But there are
00:34:56
Speaker
There risks you could take as a surrogate if you're not connected with an agency that is full of empathetic advocates.
00:35:07
Speaker
and Well, there's a difference between, i think you hit the nail on the head, you know, you say good, others say reputable, im you know, and and there is, there really is a a difference. Anybody can, you know, come up with, decide one day that they're going to start an agency and anyone can throw up a website, but, you know,
00:35:28
Speaker
The difference between 2016, because I was with you, girl. I was definitely the, you know, I heard a friend down the hallway talk about ah surrogacy. I jumped on them and then I just got lucky, just like you.
00:35:39
Speaker
And yes, and, you know, a donor and surrogate solutions was the very first and only, you know, agency that I ever spoke to. Um, and But there is a difference between 2016 and now where there are so many agencies out there and so many ways to find an agency. Now there's, you know, these kind of brokerage things that you can go through. And there's just so many things that you have to navigate or feel like you have to navigate when you're doing your research. And so it is so important to have those...
00:36:11
Speaker
you know, interactions with people. um And yeah, research is a big thing. Look at seeds. Look at resolve. Look at yeah look at these reputable places to get you started.
00:36:27
Speaker
Because yes, you know, you you should never, and i i feel like I say this agnosium, but you should never feel like a number in this process.
00:36:38
Speaker
Yeah. and you should, like you said, have that empathy and feel as though everyone in this journey is being advocated for, um yeah surrogates and intended parents alike. I like if women are finding themselves in that position and they've, maybe they don't have an agency or they haven't chosen a ah reputable agency that is full of, you know, empathetic advocates, that experience and the risks that are involved the in their
00:37:11
Speaker
And that reality of, yeah, feeling like you're just a number and and not being fully supported and feeling alone and not having the right guidance to ask all of the right questions and being blindsided down the road and ending your journey with a sour taste in your mouth for circusy. All of that contributes to this negative perception that's out there about circusy and circuits and the industry.
00:37:41
Speaker
so all All that to say, connecting with the right agency could be the differentiator there to really change the outcome of your whole journey and to therefore help improve the perception of surrogacy and your own experience too.
00:38:06
Speaker
Yeah, 100%. And having things like your support group is so beneficial for any woman that is navigating what was once a small space as far as research is concerned yeah um to what it is now.
00:38:29
Speaker
I mean, my gosh, if I was starting day one now, I would be beyond beyond overwhelmed. um And so it's wonderful to have this type of community that you have created through this support group and through send a friend and, you know, all of those things that you are so passionate about because they are so beneficial to creating. Absolutely. To, you know, I mean, truly you're creating something that is, can be so difficult to navigate and yes, leave a sour taste and leave people, you know, feeling,
00:39:06
Speaker
I mean, for lack of a better phrase, i at the end of a journey or even throughout a journey. um And whether and i I mean, whether you find yourself in that type of journey right now, this support group is going to help.
00:39:19
Speaker
This support group is going to give you. that those questions to ask or help you along or ways to advocate for yourself. And, um and I, I do, I think that's so amazing, especially when, you know, and I'll speak for me, I know my own experience with um egg donor and surrogate solutions, I was grateful to have that support through my coordinator and through the agency and not everybody you know, was lucky like us.
00:39:48
Speaker
And so if, you know, this is another great resource for and surrogates. I think that's amazing. Thank you. I tried to, another reason why I think I wanted to get a book out there too, was in order to get the benefit out of the perspective and the information that you're able to get out of Facebook, you You just have to sit sit there and listen and and um take the initiative to kind of look for what you're looking for um amidst the toxicity that's on there.
00:40:25
Speaker
Or you can go to this support group where you have to take you have to put in the effort to. communicate, you know, and talk to people and maybe be on camera if you want to.
00:40:40
Speaker
But if you're not quite there yet, you're like, I'm kind of just in the background and soaking up what I want to soak up and I'm learning and I want to better set my expectations. But I don't know that I want to like sit on a phone call and like talk to a bunch of people.
00:40:57
Speaker
I think the book could be helpful too. It's, it's called the guidebook for surrogates. And the whole point around it was, like I said, let me get everything that I know and that I've experienced.
00:41:09
Speaker
Let me outright tell you I'm not a doctor and I don't know anything. Right. From one surrogate to another. For sure. Yeah. And I even said in there, like, I have had you in mind from the very beginning.
00:41:23
Speaker
And it's just there's some infographics in there. And a lot of my perspective is in this book. And it's all meant to be a guidebook for somebody that...
00:41:36
Speaker
hasn't navigated the journey before or maybe they did and they didn't feel like they got as much support or guidance the first time around. It's just something, ah another resource that surrogates could use.
00:41:49
Speaker
And I think of the other three books are solid resources too, but this one, the guidebook for surrogates is really meant to be as I'd like to say all inclusive, but man, I learned something new every day and I'm like, shoot, that's not in there.
Flexible Participation and Spousal Support
00:42:03
Speaker
a Might need to have a volume two. Volume two just came out like a couple weeks ago. There you go! But even still, like... Volume three is on its way.
00:42:16
Speaker
Yeah. It's never going to have everything in there, but it is... Sure. It is pretty... all all inclusive. I mean, it touches on every major step of the process from what do i think I need to ask myself before I want to start down this journey?
00:42:34
Speaker
And what is this medical evaluation? What is the psychological evaluation? What do I know about the legal process? And what should I be asking other IPs to make sure that everyone understands each other's expectations and we make We do the best that we can to foster a really cool relationship and journey.
00:42:54
Speaker
And what do I need to think about postpartum? And what are all these acronyms? You know, I try to put as much in this book to be helpful as possible, just as another way, you know, another method for...
00:43:08
Speaker
women to to learn and and benefit and feel supported. Yeah, for sure. Can along that same line, can someone come to the support group and just listen?
00:43:22
Speaker
Oh, sure. Yeah, there's there's no ah hard expectation and I kind of tee that up in the beginning of the call to kind of explain what this is and what the purpose is and if you are just needing to be a fly on the wall and hear real life voices and and soak in the information and perspective as a you know silent observer at the moment totally fine as long as
00:43:52
Speaker
i'm I'm not really allowed to have professionals come in there and and be a fly on a wall. ah ah But if you're a surrogate, you you know, or have been a surrogate, anybody is is welcome to come and and listen in or participate or ask some questions or guide the conversation in a different way or whatever is helpful.
00:44:12
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Oh, I love that. I think that's so amazing. yeah Okay, my last question. And, you know, as as a repeat podcaster, I'm sure you know what's coming. But for those that don't know me, I and coffee have a beautiful relationship with one another. And I would say it's very codependent.
00:44:34
Speaker
So I always like the question, as you know, what filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what was the thing that filled your cup?
00:44:47
Speaker
I think I'll answer that figuratively. And i don't know that it's a today thing, but it's a I really feel like I'm going through a season of life right now. There's a, there, there's a lot going on personally, professionally in my household, in my nine to five full-time job that I have all of these passion projects that I have. There's a lot going on. And I think what really makes me feel like my cup is full is the support I get from my husband. I'm going to try to say that without crying.
00:45:28
Speaker
One of the, I think one of the things a lot of surrogates try to navigate in the beginning is, okay, how do I get my husband on board? And and I totally had to navigate that too. Like the first time I mentioned it to Dean, he was like, what?
00:45:42
Speaker
I'm sorry, what? Say that again? You want to do what now? Yeah. You're going to carry a baby for somebody else? Like, what do you mean? But once I gave him the time and the space to ask all of his questions and really learn as much as I had already about how impactful it could be for other people, for us, for, you know, there's there's so many benefits.
00:46:06
Speaker
it really, he very quickly became much more empathetic and and understood kind of where I was coming from. And he has been such a solid advocate and supporter for me every step of the way from all of these little things that I'm i'm trying to do, the support group, the send a friend, the four books that I have out there.
00:46:28
Speaker
And there's lots of other things that I haven't even told anyone about. Very slowly, you know, working towards. and And he just helps make it all possible. He made the analogy recently that he's like the man behind the scenes on the computer, you know? and i There you go.
00:46:45
Speaker
He's superhero or I'm the whatever. And he's just like the nerd of the computer. I love it. Yeah. And he just, he, yeah yeah, I, there's a lot of ah success that I see in my life.
00:47:02
Speaker
endeavors really that he has a big part in. So he, my husband fills my cup. Having that support is so important. It's so important. And I love, I mean, I say that,
00:47:14
Speaker
As someone who also experienced that as a surrogate and now as ah coordinator, an educator, that's one of the biggest questions we ask is who is supporting you? What does your support group look like? Because you can't do this if you don't have that.
00:47:28
Speaker
and And it doesn't need to be everybody. You don't have to have everyone you know on your side totally agreeing with every word you say. but your your partner should absolutely be headed in the same direction as you mentally. Mm-hmm.
00:47:43
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Absolutely. And again, it's amazing that you have this resource for women who are wanting to go through this process with a partner who is hesitant and how to navigate that and the best way um to support them as they are learning about your dream to want to do this. I mean so i have had the idea. I may put him on ah upcoming support group for a few months down the line and have him lead it and open it up to the husbands.
00:48:15
Speaker
And if you're, if you, if you surrogate have a husband that wants to connect with another husband that ah has navigated this a time and wants his perspective or has his own questions and wants to talk to another man about it.
00:48:27
Speaker
Um, maybe we just get all you guys together. There you go. Look at your wheels just spinning. I love it. I love it.
00:48:36
Speaker
That's awesome. Well, i i can't thank you enough for everything that you have done, whether it was as surrogate and helping those grow those sweet, beautiful families to now just continuing to support um this beautiful community. So thank you for all you do. And I'm just so excited to see all of your upcoming passion projects for sure.
00:49:00
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:49:06
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Me, You, and Who. We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today. As we wrap, we would like to remind you of some of the ways that you can stay connected with us and be part of the me, you and who podcast community.
00:49:24
Speaker
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00:49:35
Speaker
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00:50:00
Speaker
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00:50:17
Speaker
Thank you again for being part of the Me, You & Who community. Your support means the world to us. I can't wait for you to join us next time as we continue to share stories and journeys of creating happy families.