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The DeathWives: How Girls Run the (Funeral) World - Part 1
33 Plays4 years ago
Who says the funeral industry is run only by men? In this powerful episode with the DeathWives, host Jennifer speaks with the DeathWives—Lauren, a funeral director, and Erin, a death doula, to uncover the stark reality of the funeral world.
Part of the Deathwives’ mission is to bring healing to people who seek it. Through various workshops and educational retreats, Lauren and Erin teach people about the history and practices of death work and how to traditionally honor the dead. And not even the COVID-19 pandemic could stop them from empowering and creating a safe space for their community.
Wondering what it takes to become a funeral director or a birth and death doula? Curious about green funerals and water cremation?
Tune in to the first of this two-part conversation to get all the details you need and more!
LITTLE NUGGETS OF GOLD:
- Getting to know the DeathWives
- How to become a funeral director
- The different aspects of funerals
- The similarities between a Birth and Death Doula
- What is a green funeral?
- How Deathwives help other people
- What is a water cremation?
Connect with the Deathwives:
Website: https://deathwives.org/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thedeathwives/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/deathwives/
Connect with Jennifer/The Glam Reaper:
Facebook Page - Muldowney Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/MuldowneyMemorials/
Facebook Page - Rainbow Bridge Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/rainbowbridgememorialsdotcom
Instagram - @muldowneymemorials & @jennifermuldowney
Twitter - @TheGlamReaper
Email us here: glamreaperpodcast@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introduction to The Glam Reaper Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Hi and welcome to the Glam Reaper podcast.
00:00:08
Speaker
I'm your host, Jennifer Muldaney, aka the Glam Reaper herself.
00:00:12
Speaker
Today's podcast, I'm joined by two beautiful girls, definitely on the glam side of the death business, and they are called the Death Wives.
00:00:21
Speaker
Let's get into it.
Lauren's Role and Eco-friendly Funeral Practices
00:00:25
Speaker
Welcome, the Death Wives.
00:00:28
Speaker
I love it.
00:00:28
Speaker
I love the name.
00:00:29
Speaker
I mean, it goes so well with the Glam Reaper.
00:00:32
Speaker
I can't even express it.
00:00:33
Speaker
Tell me, who are you?
00:00:36
Speaker
Well, I'm Lauren and I am half of Death Wives with Erin.
00:00:42
Speaker
I would say I'm an educator first.
00:00:44
Speaker
No, I guess I'm a mom first.
00:00:46
Speaker
It's like something moms are supposed to say.
00:00:51
Speaker
I love the eye roll, I guess.
00:00:53
Speaker
I was going to yell at them right before I came in here.
00:00:56
Speaker
I was like, don't make a sound for two hours.
00:00:59
Speaker
I'll let you stay up late.
00:01:03
Speaker
Excellent momage there.
00:01:05
Speaker
My mom first.
00:01:07
Speaker
I'm an educator second and I am a funeral director.
00:01:10
Speaker
So I'm a green funeral director.
00:01:13
Speaker
I work at a funeral home that is exclusively green.
00:01:16
Speaker
We don't do embalming.
00:01:18
Speaker
everything that me and Erin preach, we practice as
The Birth of Death Wives
00:01:21
Speaker
well.
00:01:21
Speaker
So, and I met Erin by teaching one of my early, early workshops on home funerals and she came to it and we just really connected and hit it off and stayed in touch.
00:01:34
Speaker
We're both single moms who work full time.
00:01:37
Speaker
And we were like, we have this passion.
00:01:39
Speaker
We want to do this.
00:01:41
Speaker
And over the years, we just put it together bit by bit by bit.
00:01:44
Speaker
And then last year we kind of officially launched it and
00:01:48
Speaker
been doing what we love since amazing amazing I love the name I really do like death wives it's just so brilliant okay excellent all right and Erin yes thank you we love the name too we felt like it was really easy because you know the concept of death is so large it's such a big conversation but it's easy to say well you know what a midwife is it's like that only at death you know when we walk people through kind of
00:02:15
Speaker
from beginning, middle to end, and all of these different various ways based on their needs
Erin's Journey into Death Care
00:02:19
Speaker
and what they want.
00:02:19
Speaker
And primarily it's an advocacy and education position.
00:02:23
Speaker
So that is what Deaf Wives is.
00:02:25
Speaker
I come to it through really just like a vein of deep, deep grief of going through a lot of loss when I was young.
00:02:33
Speaker
And that was so impactful and profound that I didn't see a life beyond it.
00:02:38
Speaker
And that was because, you know, there wasn't, I was going to carry it with me forever in different ways.
00:02:43
Speaker
and meandering and trying to figure out how to create a professional application out of that, even reaching out to Lauren.
00:02:48
Speaker
How long ago do you think I first reached out to you?
00:02:50
Speaker
I was still married.
00:02:51
Speaker
So it was a long time ago now.
00:02:53
Speaker
I know.
00:02:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:54
Speaker
Eight years, maybe.
00:02:56
Speaker
I'm all six, seven.
00:02:58
Speaker
I don't know.
00:02:59
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:00
Speaker
She was so sweet to me.
00:03:01
Speaker
It was like, I was looking for, you know, a deaf professional deaf community at that time.
00:03:05
Speaker
And there wasn't, wasn't anything.
00:03:07
Speaker
I found like maybe three people on all of Google in Colorado.
00:03:10
Speaker
And I reached out to Lauren and
00:03:11
Speaker
She replied so warmly and so sweetly, like she still does, like just takes the time to be so kind with people because she cares so much about them, like understanding how accessible this information is and how important it is.
00:03:23
Speaker
Yeah, which has become our mission at Deaf Wives.
00:03:26
Speaker
And then I'm also a Deaf Doula and like you, Jennifer, a wedding planner.
00:03:30
Speaker
And so, you know, ceremonies, large life transitions, walking people through these large transitions and event planning as well.
00:03:40
Speaker
which folds so beautifully from both like the, you know, doula portion and the planning portion into doing funerals.
00:03:48
Speaker
It's a short story of it.
Transitioning into Death Work
00:03:50
Speaker
Amazing.
00:03:50
Speaker
We've had on the Glam Reaper podcast a death doula.
00:03:54
Speaker
She's actually only starting to become one.
00:03:57
Speaker
And what's interesting is I actually met her through my pet cremation jewelry line because she's into pet PR.
00:04:03
Speaker
And so what I loved about her was that she like had nothing to do with the death industry whatsoever when I met her.
00:04:11
Speaker
And now all of a sudden here I am interviewing her about her having just completed a death doula course and
00:04:16
Speaker
you know, introducing that topic to people because what the Glam Reaper podcast is, yes, industry people are going to be tuning into this, but predominantly it's about taking as Joe Public, as I call them, on the journey that all of us death people are.
00:04:32
Speaker
kind of you know because there's so many times over the last 10 years where I'll be talking and I'll realize wow people don't know what I'm talking about this is so interesting that I'm in my own brain because I've been around this so much and if I may ask um Erin are you since you and I are familiar in that sense are you a trained funeral director or and I know the
00:04:56
Speaker
Because again, we're international here.
00:04:58
Speaker
We're over international waters.
Funeral Director Requirements Across States
00:05:00
Speaker
But I know in America, state by state, the rules are different in every state.
00:05:05
Speaker
I'm obviously in New York state.
00:05:07
Speaker
You guys are in Colorado.
00:05:10
Speaker
You know, it's different state by state.
00:05:11
Speaker
So are you trained?
00:05:14
Speaker
Do you need to be trained?
00:05:15
Speaker
Trained.
00:05:16
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:16
Speaker
In a traditional sense, I am not trained as a funeral director.
00:05:19
Speaker
In Colorado, you do not have to have a license to be a funeral director.
00:05:22
Speaker
And a lot of what we teach is how to do your own home funerals.
00:05:26
Speaker
And that a funeral director is great and we don't want to discount what they do.
00:05:30
Speaker
But if you would like to do that, you can kind of an idea.
00:05:34
Speaker
So I do have a lot of, you know, knowledge and experience that's not traditional.
00:05:38
Speaker
But yeah, I'm not a traditionally trained.
00:05:40
Speaker
Trained.
00:05:41
Speaker
Yeah, because that's quite similar actually to my home country of Ireland.
00:05:45
Speaker
We have similar to over here, you've got the National Funeral Directors Association.
00:05:49
Speaker
We have the Irish Funeral Directors Association back home.
00:05:52
Speaker
But there's actually no official you could set up a funeral director, you know, funeral home tomorrow in Ireland.
00:06:00
Speaker
And as much you could in, I've only ever been to Denver in Colorado.
00:06:03
Speaker
So I'm going to just pick on Denver because I just thought it was stunning and beautiful.
00:06:07
Speaker
Although the altitude really did get to me for vodkas and I was...
00:06:12
Speaker
away with the fairies it was quite quite insane yeah be careful with that yeah yeah myself and my friend this was about 15 years ago we will never forget Denver for that we were we had four vodkas would have been nothing for us back then and my god it was it was quite the evening but I digress
00:06:30
Speaker
So that's that's really fascinating.
00:06:33
Speaker
And tell us, talk to me more about this.
Rising Interest in Green Funerals
00:06:36
Speaker
It's hugely topical right now in the media, in just top of people's minds, on the likes of social media, Facebook, Instagram, home burials, home funerals, green burials, green funerals.
00:06:48
Speaker
It's kind of all anybody can talk about when it comes to the funeral industry, if they're not already in.
00:06:54
Speaker
nailing them for being cowboys or chasing people you know ambulance chase you know we don't get negative press we are starting to at least getting positive in terms of the innovations that people are coming up with so talk me through your experience on that maybe Lauren if you want to
00:07:11
Speaker
So I was a funeral director in a corporate setting, which I never thought I would ever do, but I really didn't have that other option.
00:07:20
Speaker
It's still wild to me that there's so many corporately owned funeral homes and you don't know it.
00:07:25
Speaker
And that's
Inspiration for Authentic Funeral Practices
00:07:27
Speaker
a whole other topic.
00:07:27
Speaker
But I came home from a long day and I was drinking a lot of wine and a family undertaking came on on PBS.
00:07:36
Speaker
I don't know if you've seen that documentary.
00:07:38
Speaker
Like, I can still visualize that moment because it changed my life so much.
00:07:41
Speaker
I'm this funeral director watching this, like, magic take place in front of me.
00:07:47
Speaker
I'm like, that's how death's supposed to be.
00:07:50
Speaker
That's how funerals are supposed to be.
00:07:51
Speaker
And it was just like, why are we not doing this?
00:07:54
Speaker
Like, how come I didn't know that we could do this?
00:07:56
Speaker
And I'm a funeral director.
00:07:58
Speaker
Like, I should know this.
00:07:59
Speaker
To say the least, I left six months later.
00:08:01
Speaker
I had a child shortly after that.
00:08:05
Speaker
And then...
00:08:07
Speaker
just started educating and saying, you don't need a funeral director.
00:08:10
Speaker
I'm a funeral director telling you, you don't need a funeral director.
00:08:13
Speaker
Let me show you how to do it because this is how we've always done it.
00:08:17
Speaker
It's never been against the law.
00:08:19
Speaker
I'm here to support you just to kind of remind you how to do it, but you can do
Home Funeral Education and Hospice Volunteering
00:08:23
Speaker
it.
00:08:23
Speaker
This is, this is your work.
00:08:25
Speaker
This isn't our work.
00:08:26
Speaker
I don't know your mom.
00:08:27
Speaker
You know, your mom.
00:08:28
Speaker
Let me teach you how to do that.
00:08:31
Speaker
And that's what I did for eight years.
00:08:34
Speaker
I took a very long sabbatical from the funeral industry and just educated on home funerals and tried to dive deeper on different sides too.
00:08:44
Speaker
During that time, I volunteered at hospice just like Aaron does.
00:08:48
Speaker
And it gave me a totally different perspective.
00:08:51
Speaker
I hadn't ever dealt with the dying part.
00:08:53
Speaker
I'd only dealt with the bodies and the families and the grief part.
00:08:57
Speaker
So to be on the other end was just kind of like, sounds cheesy, the icing on the cake, but it was the full package of death.
00:09:07
Speaker
I feel like I was lucky enough to start with the end end and then to be able to go back to the beginning of the end was just like, it all came full circle and I knew that this was it.
00:09:17
Speaker
There was nothing else I'd ever do and I wanted people to
00:09:21
Speaker
to understand it because it makes life so much sweeter.
Parallels Between Birth and Death
00:09:24
Speaker
It makes life so much richer when you know what our end is gonna be like, you know, just like birth.
00:09:30
Speaker
And Erin will talk about this part, cause she started off as a birth doula and that's a really common thing that I think we're starting to see, right?
00:09:37
Speaker
Is people do the work from the beginning and the end.
00:09:39
Speaker
Yeah, well, and there's just so much in common.
00:09:43
Speaker
There's so much commonality between the two from how you care, you know, for your patient or for your client
00:09:49
Speaker
to the spiritual aspects of it, even to like the energetics, you know, death is birth in reverse energetically.
00:09:56
Speaker
You're contracting to bring life forward and you're, you know, retracting kind of energetically as you're dying.
00:10:02
Speaker
And there's even a rhythm to it in death like there is in pregnancy and in birth.
00:10:08
Speaker
And then we, you know, I worked in hospice as well, like Lauren said, and hospice is really a wonderful experience.
Limitations of Hospice Care
00:10:13
Speaker
Like 95% of what I have to say about hospice is really good things.
00:10:18
Speaker
So I'm appreciative of hospice, but you know, hospice is often corporate run or owned by a church or has whatever form of red tape that particular hospice has.
00:10:27
Speaker
And so they have limitations around what their volunteers can offer.
00:10:30
Speaker
And a lot of times, you know, for example, if you know, the one that I was working for was Methodist.
00:10:35
Speaker
And so we weren't really allowed to speak about religious or faith based things unless they lined up with that viewpoint.
00:10:40
Speaker
And that's great for the people who that works for, but there are so many people that that doesn't work for.
00:10:44
Speaker
Right.
00:10:45
Speaker
And so,
00:10:45
Speaker
Having a death doula who can go in and provide that kind of care, but what they do is a custom tailored package based on what that person needs and what their family has communicated to you that they need.
00:10:57
Speaker
It just fills in gaps.
00:10:58
Speaker
It fills in gaps in care that I think is already good, but we get to do it without management.
00:11:06
Speaker
Yeah, deeper and more creative.
00:11:09
Speaker
It's yeah, it's interesting.
00:11:11
Speaker
I worked in a hospice back home in Ireland.
00:11:13
Speaker
And first of all, can I just say I applaud you and I applaud anybody that works in hospice.
00:11:19
Speaker
And then when I was talking to the death doula we had on, I think it's incredible.
00:11:23
Speaker
And I I'm somebody who.
00:11:27
Speaker
I think we all have certain beliefs and certain things, notions we call them in Ireland of what something is about.
00:11:34
Speaker
I definitely believe that people were put on this planet for certain things.
00:11:38
Speaker
I know what I was put on this planet for.
00:11:41
Speaker
I know I would not be able to cope with a hospice environment and the whole death doula thing.
00:11:46
Speaker
I think it's incredible what you do.
00:11:49
Speaker
I know I couldn't.
00:11:50
Speaker
Like I've made a joke before that if you've ever seen the movie Bridesmaids where she's in the car with all the puppies in the back, like that's me.
00:11:56
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:11:57
Speaker
I couldn't work in an adoption shelter because I'd either have all the kids or the puppies or whatever the adoption center was for and have them all coming home with me.
00:12:04
Speaker
Like I just,
00:12:05
Speaker
Even I remember back years ago in Ireland with my cremation jewelry, I had an actual office where people came in and I actually had to remove it and put it online because I was taking so much grief home with me and it was just destroying me.
00:12:22
Speaker
And I knew it was and everyone around me could see it.
00:12:24
Speaker
And it's interesting because what I do now is mostly memorial planning.
00:12:29
Speaker
I feel like there's a difference though because I maybe take it to completion and again there are different I think you touch on things and you figure out what it is that works for you.
00:12:38
Speaker
Whereas now I love telling people stories through the memorial and that literally makes my heart swell bigger like I can't even express the feeling when I come home after I've done a memorial and it's been amazing.
00:12:51
Speaker
I don't know.
00:12:51
Speaker
I guess it's just different strokes for different folks.
00:12:53
Speaker
And that's what I know you guys promote.
00:12:56
Speaker
And that's 100% what I'm about.
00:12:59
Speaker
Talk me through.
00:13:00
Speaker
And again, it's back to basics, as you've said.
00:13:03
Speaker
Our Irish people in Ireland, we were known for our wakes and very much back to the basics.
00:13:10
Speaker
So that's... But talk me through, because I know there's people listening going, what the hell is a home funeral?
00:13:15
Speaker
What's a green funeral?
00:13:17
Speaker
What...
00:13:18
Speaker
What are they talking about?
00:13:20
Speaker
So maybe walk us through an example of what that looks like for a person today in America.
00:13:27
Speaker
Sure.
00:13:27
Speaker
So our funeral home actually will help families have home funerals if they still don't feel comfortable to do it on their own, which has really opened the door for this becoming, I think, more normal.
00:13:41
Speaker
I think this is like a side passion project of mine that Erin knows is I want to
00:13:46
Speaker
funeral directors to take our classes.
00:13:48
Speaker
I want funeral directors to start taking this information and using it where it's needed.
00:13:53
Speaker
So using it in their community and saying, Hey, did you know, actually you could have mom at home instead of
00:14:00
Speaker
coming to our funeral home and only having a two hour service, we'll let you have mom at home for two days, like, and we'll make sure she's cared for while she's at home.
00:14:09
Speaker
So with a home funeral, I think the main thing that most people don't realize is you don't have to be embalmed, right?
00:14:15
Speaker
Embalming is very American.
Critique of American Embalming Traditions
00:14:17
Speaker
And I say this all the time.
00:14:19
Speaker
Embalming is the American flag and apple pie.
00:14:22
Speaker
Like it is very true to us.
00:14:25
Speaker
And it's about making death seem not real.
00:14:27
Speaker
It's about preserving a state
00:14:30
Speaker
that doesn't exist and I'm not bashing on Americans but that's us like we want to preserve something that's not real and we love like to put on a show.
00:14:39
Speaker
We have a hard time with the just the temporary nature of anything here in America and there's a huge death aversion really just generally like it's it's reduced to being something campy right like people can relate to death in terms of Halloween and horror movies and that kind of stuff much more easily than they can relate to it in terms of like
00:14:58
Speaker
somebody who you loved and how to honor them and how to maybe honor the environment while doing so, which is a much more accurate association.
00:15:06
Speaker
What has always been really important to me is not painting a false picture of death because it makes it less, I don't know, digestible.
00:15:13
Speaker
It makes it less real when it isn't real.
00:15:16
Speaker
So that's the first thing I tell everybody is that embalming is never required by law.
00:15:21
Speaker
No matter what state you're in, there is no law that requires embalming.
00:15:25
Speaker
Funeral homes can have their own policies and usually it's just because they're miseducated.
00:15:31
Speaker
And I can say that because I was a funeral director that was miseducated for a long time.
00:15:35
Speaker
So I know that there's a lot of funeral homes out there that just don't know.
00:15:40
Speaker
And I think that they would really benefit if they did know.
00:15:42
Speaker
So wink, wink.
00:15:44
Speaker
Yeah, it's one of those industries that still uses old, outdated, antiquated practices.
00:15:52
Speaker
And they're a little bit resistant as an industry to innovation and
00:15:56
Speaker
into new stuff.
00:15:57
Speaker
And so really, you know, what that's caused is now there's an alternative death care industry rather than there, you know, there could have been innovation from within or, and so now we've kind of got two things going on and they still have the lion's share by far and wide, but we are so grateful for the response people are having to this, you know, death positive kind of movement, if you will, that's happening.
00:16:19
Speaker
Like, and maybe it's just the bubble that we live in.
00:16:21
Speaker
Maybe we just tend to talk to people who are psyched on it, but
00:16:25
Speaker
It seems like every new room we walk into, or community we walk into, of people who either don't interface with death or they interface with it in a limited way, different way than we do, they're always really interested in learning about it.
00:16:36
Speaker
It's the most relatable thing in the world.
00:16:39
Speaker
We always say it, it's so obvious, but it's the only thing we're all going to do for sure.
00:16:43
Speaker
It's like maybe breathe air.
00:16:45
Speaker
Yeah, great equalizer.
00:16:47
Speaker
Great equalizer, yeah.
00:16:49
Speaker
And I think that it has the potential to do a lot for just
00:16:54
Speaker
the collective consciousness, such a buzzword, but you know, for people to really digest that and to understand like death is coming for you.
00:17:02
Speaker
It's certain.
00:17:04
Speaker
Let's talk about how you want it to die.
00:17:05
Speaker
And then like, let's talk about really what constitutes a good death.
00:17:09
Speaker
That's one of the concepts we talk about in our classes, what constitutes a good death in every category?
00:17:14
Speaker
Like what constitutes a good death?
00:17:16
Speaker
First of all, physically, like, do you know, what's your relationship with pain?
00:17:19
Speaker
Like, do you want medication?
00:17:21
Speaker
You know, where do you want to be located physically?
00:17:23
Speaker
Who's allowed there?
00:17:24
Speaker
Who's not allowed?
00:17:25
Speaker
So the basics, then what is your relationship with death?
00:17:28
Speaker
Like, you know, from a fear perspective, emotionally, are you afraid?
00:17:31
Speaker
What are you afraid of?
00:17:33
Speaker
What's it like spiritually?
00:17:35
Speaker
You know, do you have questions about the afterlife?
00:17:37
Speaker
Are you at peace with God?
00:17:38
Speaker
Do you believe in God?
00:17:39
Speaker
Do you feel like you need to come to some conclusions around that before you die?
Historical Role of Women in Death Care
00:17:43
Speaker
And then the same question in terms of relations, you know, who do you need to talk to so that you can be at peace?
00:17:48
Speaker
Like they're really simple things.
00:17:50
Speaker
It's, it's nothing new.
00:17:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:17:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:17:54
Speaker
going back to the old ways yeah but it's a tip and it's that's why it made me laugh um even with your name death wives it's historically women were the caretakers we were the the death doulas we were the the ones that took care of the body i know back home in ireland we had a
00:18:13
Speaker
we were a huge part of it and then all of a sudden it was men in suits and I'd love to know what are your thoughts on the controversial book the Jessica Mitford book do you agree with her do you agree with her in parts you know what are your thoughts as a funeral director especially Lauren I guess that would probably be in something you read early days I think it's one of those books that I'm like yes I
00:18:40
Speaker
Thank you.
00:18:41
Speaker
Thank you for opening that up because one of the things I teach in our classes, I talk about the funeral trade commissioner, the federal trade commission, 1984.
00:18:49
Speaker
It was because of that book that made them realize, Whoa, what's happened with the funeral work?
00:18:55
Speaker
Like, why is it like this?
00:18:57
Speaker
And so in that 1984 law is when they included that embalming is never required by law.
00:19:04
Speaker
And I think that opened up a door.
00:19:06
Speaker
So what, that's 36 years ago?
00:19:08
Speaker
Not that long ago, but that's opening it up to be like, oh, let's have more conversations about death because, oh, I don't have to pay this much money.
00:19:16
Speaker
Oh, I don't have to be embalmed.
00:19:18
Speaker
Like, oh, I can use different funeral homes.
00:19:20
Speaker
I'm not stuck with this one.
00:19:22
Speaker
So in just 36 years, I think it's starting to shift back into our hands again.
00:19:28
Speaker
And I say our hands, but I mean like the community, the families, the people's hands, not the men in suits who kind of said, oh, we can profit off this, can't we?
00:19:38
Speaker
Let's turn this into a business.
00:19:40
Speaker
I'm a funeral director, so I don't want to bash on embalming necessarily.
00:19:44
Speaker
I don't want to bash on funeral homes because they're needed in our society right now.
00:19:49
Speaker
And there are a lot of amazing ones.
00:19:51
Speaker
There are.
00:19:52
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:52
Speaker
Erin knows this.
00:19:53
Speaker
Like, I'm not a fan of embalming.
00:19:56
Speaker
I personally wouldn't.
00:19:56
Speaker
Me neither.
00:19:57
Speaker
But I do know that there are some amazing restorative artists that give families that closure that they wouldn't be able to have without embalming, without that art.
00:20:08
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:20:09
Speaker
mean that's a gift in itself do i think everybody needs to be embalmed no absolutely not we don't do a single embalming at our funeral home and i've never had a single complaint when i was a funeral director doing embalmings i had many complaints i'm not like many you know she doesn't look like this she looks waxy she smells strange
00:20:32
Speaker
You know, if you've been around an embalmed body, most people don't realize the smell that they're smelling is like a chemical.
00:20:41
Speaker
That's not the death smell.
00:20:44
Speaker
No.
00:20:45
Speaker
But they just, they don't know what they're smelling.
00:20:47
Speaker
They don't know that they're smelling this smell.
00:20:49
Speaker
you know, cancer causing chemical.
00:20:52
Speaker
But that's an actually, you know, Aaron, you just named it there is that I'm sure there's many people out there, many people listening to this that would associate that with the death smell because it is even back home in Ireland.
Misconceptions About Embalming Laws
00:21:04
Speaker
It's not, you know, legally, you don't have to get it done.
00:21:07
Speaker
It was one of my first things I mentioned in my book was
00:21:10
Speaker
guys, you know, you don't have to do a lot of these things.
00:21:13
Speaker
Just FYI.
00:21:15
Speaker
It is.
00:21:15
Speaker
It's fascinating, actually, that I'd say a lot of people would attribute the smell that they smell from the embalming fluids and things.
00:21:22
Speaker
It's crazy.
00:21:23
Speaker
Now, when you say, because what's interesting to me is I know from being in the industry and stuff that like I would like to probably do a lot with my mom, right, when she goes.
00:21:37
Speaker
But my dad, I'd feel awkward with.
00:21:38
Speaker
I wouldn't be able to sort of wash and dress.
00:21:40
Speaker
I just it would just feel weird and inappropriate.
00:21:43
Speaker
And I just wouldn't be down with that.
00:21:46
Speaker
Do you you've kind of said you guide people to through that.
00:21:50
Speaker
So I'm sure that this obviously is not a shocker.
00:21:53
Speaker
This obviously isn't a, you know, crazy new question.
00:21:56
Speaker
If you are a caretaker for your loved one at the end of their life, if they're on hospice care at home, it's a very easy transition to care for them after they've died.
00:22:05
Speaker
I'm sure.
00:22:06
Speaker
If you haven't been in that situation, honestly, most people that have had a home funeral usually have a caretaker of some sort in the family.
00:22:13
Speaker
I had a woman who was alone and so she needed our help, like just physically to help her move.
00:22:20
Speaker
but 90% of the time the family has it.
00:22:23
Speaker
I did a home funeral right before COVID and I'll never forget this family because I mean, literally a week later we were locked down.
00:22:31
Speaker
And so I went into their home and they wanted to have a day with their dad before we took them to the funeral home.
00:22:37
Speaker
And she was just like, no problem.
00:22:40
Speaker
She was just like, pull down the sheets and he was just laying there naked, but she's blessing his body and stuff.
00:22:46
Speaker
And I'm just thinking, this is beautiful.
00:22:49
Speaker
Like, this is how she's showing her dad.
00:22:52
Speaker
It's a final send off in the way that.
00:22:55
Speaker
See, I'm just like, my dad would kill me.
00:22:58
Speaker
He'd be like, no, no, you didn't.
00:23:02
Speaker
Aaron would probably agree with me.
00:23:03
Speaker
Like I would never want to be in that position with my dad.
00:23:05
Speaker
No, no, no, I wouldn't.
00:23:08
Speaker
But also it's because of the reason Jennifer that you just said, because he wouldn't want it.
00:23:13
Speaker
Right.
00:23:13
Speaker
Like the central, the heart of a doula isn't necessarily to push what they want, but to honor what the client wants.
00:23:19
Speaker
And so, you know, if your dad really wanted you to wash his dead body and he came to you before he died and asked for that, you'd probably find it within yourself to do it.
00:23:27
Speaker
But he's, you know, it's not going to do something.
00:23:30
Speaker
I would even say the same thing about embalming.
00:23:32
Speaker
I couldn't agree more with Lauren that it's not needed.
00:23:36
Speaker
It's snuck in there in a kind of a sneaky way.
00:23:38
Speaker
Most people, you know, don't even know that it's happening and it creates this big industry that's toxic and kind of erosive of people's grief, exploits them.
00:23:47
Speaker
But having said that, I think there are times where if somebody's had a really bad accident and they need a lot of restorative work and, you know, they're Catholic and they want an open casket funeral,
00:23:56
Speaker
and that's what they want, that's what's going to be the most healing option for them, then like by all means do it, right?
00:24:02
Speaker
So the job isn't like you have to be green all the time.
00:24:06
Speaker
That's a big consideration.
00:24:08
Speaker
I care a lot about the environmental aspect, but really at the end of the day, it's like, how do we honor your loved one?
Personalized Funeral Planning
00:24:14
Speaker
What will bring healing to the people that are alive?
00:24:16
Speaker
Yep.
00:24:17
Speaker
again, you're just saying what I believe and promote all the time, which is each to their own.
00:24:22
Speaker
Like it's this there's never ever in this world, I don't think going to be a one fit, one size fits all.
00:24:29
Speaker
I won't fix it fits all like it's just it's never going to happen.
00:24:32
Speaker
We are humans evolving constantly.
00:24:34
Speaker
We're always going to want different things, have different opinions about things.
00:24:39
Speaker
And I mean, absolutely embalming.
00:24:41
Speaker
I mean, for me as an Irish person, I have
00:24:44
Speaker
seen several Irish people shipped home.
00:24:46
Speaker
Repatriation requires embalming to a certain extent because you know it's
Eco-friendly Cremation Alternatives
00:24:52
Speaker
a long trip.
00:24:52
Speaker
I've just told my mom I'm like if you want to see me and I understand if you do if you want to physically see me if I pass away
00:25:00
Speaker
and you're still alive you need to fly over and you get your closure then and cremate my ass and send me home or whatever the next you know more ecological version is of cremation which hopefully by then there will be tell me about green cremation or the next best thing so the next best thing is well better thing in our opinion is water cremation
00:25:24
Speaker
It's got a lot of other names, but we're going to stick with water cremation for right now.
00:25:28
Speaker
So when you think of flame cremation, you're using the element of fire.
00:25:34
Speaker
With water cremation, we're using the element of water to break down the body.
00:25:38
Speaker
The temperature of the water varies depending on which model of the machine you have, but it's not at a boiling point.
00:25:43
Speaker
It's like between 105 and 145 degrees.
00:25:48
Speaker
And the body is in the machine again for a varying duration, depending on which model of the machine you have.
00:25:53
Speaker
But the fastest ones are like six to eight hours.
00:25:56
Speaker
The slower ones are maybe 10 to 12 hours.
00:25:59
Speaker
And the body is in there with warm water and lye, alkali.
00:26:05
Speaker
And it breaks down first into the soft tissues and all of the skin will break down into this liquid that's really bioavailable that can be used as a fertilizer that we're calling tea tree.
00:26:18
Speaker
And the bones, then the skeleton remain.
00:26:22
Speaker
And so when the process is over, you've got this fertilizing product that the family can have if they want to literally, you know, fertilize their gardens, which is amazing.
00:26:31
Speaker
Talk about reintroducing life, right?
00:26:33
Speaker
Already immediately, continuum.
00:26:36
Speaker
And then they also receive the cremains of the bones.
00:26:38
Speaker
So once the bones dry, then they're still ground up and they get back something that looks similar to cremains or ashes, but it's a more white, a little bit cleaner looking substance, more like sand.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
00:26:55
Speaker
Well, what did you think of that episode, guys?
00:26:57
Speaker
I thought it was really interesting.
00:26:59
Speaker
What the girls are doing is fantastic and definitely something that you should all check out and dig a bit further into.
00:27:06
Speaker
They're on Instagram and I love their work on Instagram.
00:27:10
Speaker
So check them out and all the links and stuff are below.
00:27:14
Speaker
And if you want to send us a question in or you have a guest that you think we should absolutely get on the show, please email us at glamreaperpodcast at gmail.com.
00:27:23
Speaker
I'll talk to you soon.