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5 - Finding a Rabbi
58 Plays1 year ago
You've decided you want a Rabbi for your wedding! How exciting. But...how in the world do you find one?
Part 1 - Determining your "must haves" and "must nots" BEFORE you start your search
Part 2 - (29:49) How to search for a Rabbi - From Google to Jewish Geography, here are all my best recommendations.
THE Rabbi search resource for interfaith couples: www.18doors.org
(Tell them Rabbi LeighAnn sent you. If you want. It won't affect anything.)
Work with me! www.yourohiorabbi.com
Find me on Instagram @yourohiorabbi
Send your questions to [email protected]
Remember - There is always more learning to do!
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Transcript
Understanding Jewish Geography
00:00:00
Speaker
And you might not think that because your caterer has a step-nephew whose cousin is Jewish, that that won't lead to anything. But there have been crazier stories. Jewish geography is real.
Navigating Jewish and Interfaith Wedding Planning
00:00:18
Speaker
Are you planning a Jewish or interfaith wedding? Are you lost on where to even begin planning the ceremony, let alone finding a rabbi to help you?
00:00:29
Speaker
Well, it doesn't matter whether one of you is Jewish or you're both Jewish. You deserve a guide. So take a deep breath. I promise it will all be okay.
Introducing 'Your Jewish Wedding with Rabbi Lian'
00:00:41
Speaker
Welcome to Your Jewish Wedding with Rabbi Lian. Here, I can be everyone's rabbi, yours too. My guests and I will share everything we know to help make your Jewish or interfaith wedding full of tradition and perfectly yours.
Preparing for Shabbat After Work
00:01:12
Speaker
Well, hi there. Welcome back to your Jewish wedding podcast with Rabbi Leanne. It is so good to be sitting here with you. The end of a long day for me, it's Friday. So of course I spent a lot of time this morning getting ready for Shabbos, not complaining. Very excited to have a bunch of kids over tonight. It's one of the first weeks back at school and they're excited to hang out here.
00:01:35
Speaker
And I love being that house where the kids come to hang out after a long week of school. But this is certainly a bright spot in my day sitting here and chatting with you. So I'm really glad you're here. Now,
Finding the Right Rabbi for Weddings
00:01:47
Speaker
I know that I've spent the last four episodes talking about
00:01:54
Speaker
either why it would be a good idea, really good idea for you to really consider at least calling a rabbi and then talking about different dates and Shabbos weddings, assuming you've already decided to call one. But how in the world do I find one?
00:02:11
Speaker
It seems like a silly question, right? Because I'm in Columbus, Ohio. I know that we have at least 20 rabbis in Columbus who live here, work here, whatever. So how hard can it be? When I tell you, I know it's difficult to find a rabbi because I am getting calls from Kentucky weddings, Michigan weddings, Pittsburgh weddings, Iowa weddings,
00:02:41
Speaker
Okay, everyone, yes, there are many rabbis who live probably in a pretty close vicinity to you, unless you're in like a very small town and there aren't very many rabbis even within an hour. But I think in most places, there's at least a good handful of rabbis close
Why Some Rabbis Won't Officiate Interfaith Weddings
00:03:00
Speaker
by. So why is it so difficult to find one? Let's talk about it.
00:03:04
Speaker
Now, I don't wanna bum you out with seeing how hard it is to have a rabbi. I think that the main reasons people have trouble finding a rabbi, or let's say the right rabbi for them, is probably first and foremost, and gosh, this is a bummer, I hate to say this, probably first and foremost, it's that it's an interfaith couple. If you are an Orthodox or conservative rabbi, you are straight up not allowed to officiate an interfaith wedding.
00:03:32
Speaker
It's literally not allowed according to the association that you're a member of. You officiate an interfaith wedding, you'll get kicked out. Now, I know that, or I've heard whispers that there's a small amount of rabbis in the conservative movement who are really hoping that this is going to change soon. And maybe it will, maybe it won't, but for now, if you are part of an interfaith couple,
00:04:02
Speaker
and the non-Jewish member of your couple is not planning to convert before your wedding. That sort of takes off your little map of rabbis who live in your area, all the Orthodox rabbis and all the conservative rabbis. You can ask them. I have no idea under what circumstances it might be possible for them to say yes, but I wouldn't recommend it.
00:04:25
Speaker
Now, you can reach out to a conservative rabbi or an orthodox rabbi if you're an interfaith couple and you're hoping to be involved in synagogue life. Say hello, introduce yourselves. You will get a warm welcome. That rabbi just won't be able to officiate your wedding.
00:04:42
Speaker
I know because there are so many wonderful conservative rabbis that I know and love. And I know in their hearts, this is a little bit of a challenge for them. I don't know what their beliefs on interfaith marriages are. Again, topic for another episode. Gosh, we'll do that soon. Side note, I feel like we're talking about all this Jewish wedding philosophy stuff and deciding about whether you're going to have a Jewish wedding. We haven't even started talking about the contents, but you know what? We will get there.
00:05:13
Speaker
There are many, many things to discuss. And lots of time, hopefully. So given this difficulty in finding rabbis, I would say it's better to have no rabbi than a rabbi that doesn't work well for you.
Setting Realistic Expectations with Your Rabbi
00:05:27
Speaker
Okay, that's true with therapists, that's true with some kinds of doctors, that's true with hairdressers, dog sitters, all kinds of stuff. Given how difficult it is to find one, you may have to be willing to give
00:05:42
Speaker
your hopes and dreams about having a perfect, engaging, funny, warm, kind rabbi officiate your wedding, you might have to envision that you might be able to give a little wiggle room in terms of the perfect rabbi. Remember, nobody's perfect. It can be even harder to find a rabbi
00:06:02
Speaker
If you're getting married on a Saturday, which we talked about, Shabbos weddings are like a big deal, even for Reform rabbis, even for Reconstructionist rabbis, it can be a big no-go. That Shabbat wedding is just gonna knock out a bunch of them.
00:06:16
Speaker
And if they are a synagogue rabbi, if you're calling just the rabbi that you found from Googling synagogues in my area, you call her up and say, can you officiate my wedding? She might say, no, I can't either because I'm busy with synagogue stuff or because I know this is the case in some synagogues. Actually, it's part of her contract that she cannot officiate a wedding for somebody who's not a member.
00:06:44
Speaker
hopefully she will warmly invite you to become a member of her synagogue. And I assume that she will, but if that's not something that you're willing or ready to do for whatever reason, let's say you're getting married in Columbus, Ohio, but you live in Nebraska, well, you might decide that joining that synagogue maybe for the year is worth it, just to cultivate that relationship and gain access to that rabbi, but you might not really be up for it.
00:07:12
Speaker
So I just wanted to give you a heads up that that's kind of a thing sometimes. Another thing to consider before you even search for rabbis is making sure that you're fully aware of your Jewish status and you're ready to communicate that to the rabbi. Okay. So let's say that one of you has two Jewish parents and another one of you has a Jewish father and a non-Jewish mother.
00:07:44
Speaker
I know this is a sensitive topic and it can be painful to hear. But if one of you has a Jewish father and not a Jewish mother, many rabbis will not consider you Jewish. So you may talk to that rabbi at first and say, we're both Jewish.
00:07:58
Speaker
Um, and he may be really excited to officiate that wedding. If he finds out through conversation with you weeks or months later, that one of you has a Jewish father, not a Jewish mother, and therefore are not technically Jewish, according to some interpretations of halacha Jewish law, you're going to be in trouble.
00:08:18
Speaker
along with participants that might be acceptable at the wedding, I want you to make sure that if there's a reading or a song that you must have at the wedding, that you bring that to the table also. If you're marrying someone who's Catholic and she absolutely must have some readings that mention Jesus at the ceremony, make sure you tell the rabbi.
00:08:42
Speaker
If you want to include your grandmother's rosary and hang it on the chuppah in memory of her, make sure you communicate that to the rabbi at the very beginning, if it's a non-negotiable. If you want to play a Led Zeppelin song as you walk down the aisle, make sure you tell the rabbi all
Communication Tips for Wedding Specifics
00:09:00
Speaker
kinds of anything that you can think of that might be a deal breaker for a clergy member.
00:09:07
Speaker
you know, any religious person, make sure you bring it to the table. A lot of us will laugh and be like, I love Led Zeppelin. Let's go. But some rabbis might be like, you'll have to, you'll have to reconsider that. Okay. And if it's a deal breaker, then you'll need to find another rabbi. Also consider what you're wearing, especially brides. Some rabbis have requirements about quote unquote modesty. Certain parts of your body need to be covered or he won't officiate the wedding.
00:09:39
Speaker
Another egalitarian aspect that you're going to want to consider is your katuba. Is it important to you to both sign the katuba? For some rabbis, that's a deal breaker. He'll say no, only witnesses can. And then he'll ask about your witnesses. If you don't have two Jewish witnesses who are men who are not related to you, he might say no. If it's important to you to have certain people sign your katuba or to have a katuba with non-traditional text, make sure you tell your rabbi.
00:10:09
Speaker
your first contact. Another big one is ask her whether she requires premarital counseling. This also is for another episode, but a lot, a lot, a lot of rabbis require premarital counseling either through them or through somebody else. I do not. I think a lot of rabbis haven't really thought about it that much, but some rabbis do require premarital counseling or some form of meetings about your relationship.
00:10:35
Speaker
some form of questioning about the aspects of your relationship before he will agree to do your wedding. Make sure you know that going in, okay?
00:10:43
Speaker
All of these things that I've mentioned, I want to be clear. I hope it doesn't come off as being anti-Orthodox. I don't want to scare you off looking for a more traditional rabbi. If you've already passed the, both of you are Jewish, quote unquote, hurdle. I don't want to discourage you from looking for an Orthodox rabbi. There are so many Orthodox rabbis.
00:11:07
Speaker
Like even the ones with like big black hats and beards who are amazing speakers, engaging men who lead a funny, inclusive wedding ceremony. They'll do explainers for the non-Jewish people there. They'll make jokes. They'll match your vibe, okay? Orthodox rabbis are not terrible, cranky people. They just, listen, rabbis are people too. How many times have I said this? Every person is different.
00:11:37
Speaker
And this is important to remember as you're going through this process. Every person, including rabbis, no matter their background, no matter their age, no matter their sex,
00:11:50
Speaker
is entitled to their boundaries and to say no to a wedding that for whatever reason they feel uncomfortable officiating. Whether it's Led Zeppelin or your shoulders showing or exchanging two rings or taking out the Hebrew. Those boundaries are valid. Please don't get angry at rabbis if they have a certain boundary that they require to officiate your wedding and you're not meeting it, okay?
00:12:17
Speaker
You have boundaries too. You have deal breakers. He has deal breakers. Sometimes things don't work out. It's okay. Just keep looking. Now, all those hurdles jumped. Take a moment and envision your wedding ceremony, the perfect one for you.
00:12:41
Speaker
You've thought about all the Jewish elements that you'd like to have in it. You've thought about how you want it to feel. You've thought about the music and what it will look like when you circle the person you're marrying or you exchange those personal vows under the chuppah and you've probably envisioned the chuppah too because there are so many beautiful ones. What do you envision when you think about the rabbi?
00:13:10
Speaker
And a lot of this comes down to, we are going to talk about this a lot when we talk about the first planning call with your rabbi. Well, we're going to talk about the first planning call with me. I don't know what other rabbis do, but a responsible wedding officiant will ask you about your must haves and must nots.
00:13:32
Speaker
What are the things that if I do this thing, it will ruin your wedding. And what are the things that if I don't do them, you won't feel married. If I don't do them, it will also ruin your wedding. Okay. So it's kind of like a really amped up pros and cons list for wedding planning. I'm not a wedding planner, but I imagine that every one of your wedding professionals is going through some form of this with you. Your florist is probably asking you what do you absolutely have to have? Same with your caterer.
00:14:02
Speaker
the list goes on and on. Obviously you know that better than I do. I didn't really plan my wedding. It was a long time ago too. But here are a few of the must haves and must nots that I thought about when I was thinking about you guys looking for a rabbi. What do I want you to consider before you even, probably before you even start making the list of rabbis to call? Okay. Don't call anyone until you've settled on these things that I'm about to mention. Do you want a rabbi who does explainers?
00:14:33
Speaker
So a Jewish wedding ceremony is actually pretty short if you just do the prayers. Okay, we're talking about kiddush, vows, seven wedding blessings, parents' blessing, mazel tov. You can have a Jewish wedding in five or six minutes. Oh, ketubah.
00:14:53
Speaker
especially if you don't read the Ketubah out loud. Five, six minutes easy. However, I assume there will be people at your wedding who are not Jewish. It's up to you to decide how important it is for your rabbi to take the time to make sure that all of your guests not only understand what's going on, but feel immersed in the experience of the ceremony. I cannot emphasize this enough.
00:15:19
Speaker
I don't think it's appropriate for guests to be bored at a wedding ceremony. I think that the job of somebody who officiates weddings is to make your wedding into a storytelling moment that is surrounded by ritual and meaningful stuff. In order to be immersed in what's going on at that wedding ceremony, you probably,
00:15:49
Speaker
will want your rabbi to explain stuff for your guests. So you've got to ask yourself, okay, am I all right if she just says a sentence here or there about what such and such means? Do I want her to relate the exchange of rings or the kiddish cup back to my family? Do I want her to add in inside jokes into the explainers? So
00:16:16
Speaker
that everybody feels really connected, even if they've never heard somebody say a kiddish prayer in their entire life. Now they're so into it that it feels like nothing new. So zero to 10. If you're looking for her to do a lot of explainers in the ceremony or zero. A lot of explainers is 10, obviously. Okay. The second one I put on my list, this is something that,
00:16:47
Speaker
I sort of don't really think about too much because I'm a woman, I'm a female rabbi, but the sex of the rabbi might be important to you. There is an issue, especially for the baby boomer generation and older, so your parents and grandparents, where they do not view a female rabbi as authentic, and you may feel the same way.
00:17:14
Speaker
Women have only been ordained as rabbis for about the past 50 years, less than that, I think is common for people who are 40 years old, especially 30 years old, 25 years old, about the age of people getting married to not bat an eye at a female rabbi. But for older generations, they may not even consider a woman capable of qualifying as a rabbi. You may also have,
00:17:44
Speaker
instincts and sensibilities, deep seated, sort of just a gut feeling that you're going to feel best with a certain sex of rabbi. So that could go both ways. It could go that, you know, you're just, when you envision your wedding, there's a male rabbi and he's maybe dressed in a way that shows you he's Orthodox. So it feels super quote unquote legit.
00:18:09
Speaker
Or you might have grown up with female rabbis your whole life. And to you, what you envision a rabbi looking like is a woman. Similarly, the age of the rabbi might be important to you. If you're a more mature couple, you might not feel okay with having a rabbi who's younger than you.
00:18:29
Speaker
or you might really want a younger rabbi to bring youthful energy into the ceremony. Let's talk about rings. It is an American standard wedding custom to have a double ring ceremony. That means you give your spouse a ring, your spouse gives you a ring, usually when you save vows. According to a very traditional understanding of Jewish law regarding weddings, what counts as a wedding, you should not exchange rings under the chuppah,
00:18:58
Speaker
because it's almost like, and this is my understanding of it, it's almost like it cancels out that traditionally the groom is meant to bring something of financial value to present to the bride. And that is one of the things that is necessary to make their marriage official. We'll actually talk about this a little more in depth during the episode on katubas, because this is a very interesting part of Jewish wedding tradition.
00:19:26
Speaker
So your rabbi might not be willing to allow a ring exchange underneath the chuppah. If that's important to you, make sure it's on your list of things to ask him or her when you're searching for a rabbi at your first contact. You might want certain people to participate in your wedding. You might want someone to sing a song or to stand under the chuppah and say a prayer.
00:19:53
Speaker
or to come and hold a talus around you and your spouse. Your rabbi might not be okay with the participation of anyone, I guess, or non-Jewish people. Your rabbi might also not be okay with secular readings and songs during your ceremony. I haven't heard too much of this. However, especially if
00:20:20
Speaker
You are inviting, like, let's say you're inviting your mom up to the chuppah because you want her to say kiddush, the blessing over wine. And she's going to, she wants to sing it. According to some rabbinic opinions, men are not supposed to hear
00:20:37
Speaker
the singing voices of women. Now this is in very Orthodox communities, but if you do find an Orthodox rabbi who is excited about officiating your wedding and you want your sister to come under the chuppah and sing the kiddish prayer, he might not be okay with that. So if there's any part of participation that you are like, we will not
00:21:01
Speaker
feel like it's a real wedding ceremony unless so-and-so sings such-and-such song, make sure you know that. Write it down and ask that rabbi at your first contact. You do not want to get, for any of these, this applies, you don't want to get to mid-stage planning your ceremony with that rabbi and find out that actually no cousin Linda cannot come up to the chuppah and sing keserah, serah in the middle of your wedding ceremony. So either you have to
00:21:31
Speaker
concede on that, even though it's super important to you, or you have to find a new rabbi, neither one of those situations is pleasant, and that applies to all this too. In the same vein, you might really want your ceremony to be very egalitarian.
00:21:45
Speaker
So you might want for the bride and groom, for example, in a heterosexual wedding, you might want the bride and groom to circle one another. So not the bride circling her groom seven times, but doing sort of a do-si-do situation. We will talk about this when we get to circling, don't worry. And your rabbi might not be okay with that. On the flip side, you might want some really traditional stuff. There are some really traditional blessings
00:22:15
Speaker
One in particular, we'll talk about that too. It's a whole episode. That's Birkat Erusin. If you have a liberal rabbi, and especially one for whom feminism is very important, he may not feel comfortable reciting that blessing. And if you want for the rabbi to do that, it's another thing. You better ask at the beginning.
00:22:36
Speaker
Here's a big one. If you listened to my last episode, but rabbi, what if we're not religious? And I encouraged you to have a Jewish wedding ceremony and now you're on board and you're like, so excited. Oh, we're so excited. Rabbi Lian convinced us that we at least want to investigate a traditional ceremony. And she said, we don't have to have God language in our wedding ceremony. So no problem. We're not going to worry about it. We're searching for a rabbi. Let's go.
00:23:01
Speaker
Please remember what I say, I try to say in every single podcast, I am an individual. Just as every human being on the planet is different, so too is every rabbi different. Some rabbis do not think it's acceptable.
00:23:18
Speaker
to have a wedding ceremony without mention of God in it. If your issue is that Hebrew issue, and I wasn't trying to joke around, I know that some people cannot stand the sound of Hebrew, especially that baruch ha'ta, it's too much, but a rabbi you find may not be okay with taking out all that Hebrew like I am. So make sure that you ask her when you start.
00:23:42
Speaker
Going along with what's important to you in terms of what your ceremony contains, if you are an interfaith couple, it may be important to you to have co-officiation. So your rabbi stands up next to your priest or next to your childhood pastor or next to your imam to officiate a wedding ceremony. A lot, a lot, a lot of rabbis do not think that's appropriate.
00:24:06
Speaker
Jews have a whole lot of generational trauma, you guys. There's a lot of stuff that goes into, you know what, we're going to do a whole other episode about co-officiation. Oh my gosh, I've got, I've got to write that down. If you want to have your coefficient there, your childhood priest, somebody who was a wonderful influence to you in college, make sure that you let your rabbi know from the very first contact, once again, first contact. I want to drill that in, okay?
00:24:36
Speaker
Now, different rabbis are going to bring unique styles and approaches. If you speak to one Reformed rabbi and ask him these questions, can we have a coefficient? Can we take the Hebrew out? Can Antlinda come and sing kesirasirah? If one Reformed rabbi says no to that, it doesn't mean that every Reformed rabbi will.
00:24:54
Speaker
So stay positive, don't give up, keep asking around, okay? If something's very important to you, I want you to hear this. You have a vision of your wedding. This is one of the most momentous days of your life. The purpose of your wedding, the reason you're throwing this whole party is for you to demonstrate to your friends and family, yes, but also to one another and to confirm within yourself
00:25:19
Speaker
that you have chosen to dedicate your life to this person from this moment. There are a lot of this moments, quote unquote, in a Jewish wedding ceremony, like exchanging rings, like breaking the glass, but none of that matters if it doesn't feel like that moment to you. You know, walking under a chuppah, standing there, you're in sort of this liminal space. You're almost to your goal, but not quite. You know, we're almost there.
00:25:48
Speaker
We're not not married, but we're not married yet. What is that moment that will say to you in your heart or that the two of you will feel, yep, done? What brings that? When you envision your ceremony, what do you have to have in there that makes you grin ear to ear? Make sure your rabbi is willing to do that. First contact.
00:26:10
Speaker
Now, not everybody has these things. A lot of people are just sort of going into it like, I'm not sure yet, but some people do. And you do not want to get to the middle of that planning phase and find out that your rabbi is not amenable to that. Okay.
Budgeting for Rabbinical Services
00:26:22
Speaker
I also want to talk about money. I don't want to talk about money very much on this podcast at all. But one of the most important things to think about when you are planning your wedding is
00:26:35
Speaker
That's right. Your budget. I know I've seen the Instagrams where the florist is talking about the price of the arch. I've heard the podcast where the wedding planners are debating whether they are doing a per event charge or a percentage charge. Money is just part of our society and it's especially part of throwing really big parties. A lot of people, it's like a relief to them to think about, well, at least the ceremony will be low cost. Will it relatively? Yes.
00:27:05
Speaker
But when you are looking for a rabbi to officiate your wedding, if she knows what she's doing, she will devote at least, at least, I hope at least eight to 10 hours on preparing for your wedding ceremony with you. Personally, I was curious about how much time I spent working on wedding ceremonies. It is almost always for me between 18 and 20 hours.
00:27:34
Speaker
total working on that wedding ceremony. So when you think about your wedding budget, don't look at the rabbi line and figure it's automatically zero, okay? Because the, okay, I'm just gonna share here a little nugget of Jewish wisdom. It comes from Pirke Avot, which I've heard other rabbis refer to as sort of like the bumper sticker list of Judaism, like all those cute sayings that like actually sum up real things. One of them says,
00:28:05
Speaker
Without bread, there is no Torah. Literally, if you're starving, you can't engage in the process of connecting people together, telling the story of the Jewish people. And that's just a reflection on humanity that, you know, was true 2,000 years ago. It's true now. A rabbi usually charges. I've heard anywhere from $600 to, I heard that there are some rabbis in the South,
00:28:32
Speaker
who are over 2,000 for that ceremony. This is all regional, it's based on her expertise, it's based on the amount of work she puts into each ceremony, it's based on the amount of luxury you're looking for, and that usually doesn't include travel. So the farther away she is, the more expensive she's gonna be. You know, we don't like it either, capitalism. I mean, capitalism's fine, but talking about money, I know, it feels yucky, especially when you're in a religious space,
00:29:02
Speaker
We've known for a long time. So if any of the stuff that I just mentioned is a deal breaker for you, know all that before you even Google. Here we are 25 minutes into the podcast, give or take.
Finding a Rabbi Through Personal and Online Networks
00:29:18
Speaker
And I have not told you the house. I just want you to be prepared when you search because it's a big wide world out there and Google is really big and it's kind of like,
00:29:32
Speaker
Link in Legend of Zelda. It's kind of like Link in Legend of Zelda. You want to be prepared before you go into the abyss. All right. Is that right? I don't play Legend of Zelda, but my boys do. I think that's right. So the number one, are you ready for this? The number one best way to find a rabbi is to hire the rabbi from the Jewish wedding that you attended and that you loved.
00:30:02
Speaker
Did you go to anyone's Jewish wedding in the recent past and thought the rabbi was excellent? The absolute first thing you should do is just call her and tell her, I was at so-and-so's wedding. She probably remembers you and say, I'm getting married. She'll say, oh my gosh, how exciting. And you'll say, I would really be honored if you would consider officiating my wedding. Hopefully she's available.
00:30:29
Speaker
She sends you the contract. Everything works out. Congratulations. You're done. You can even call that rabbi and ask if he has any recommendations for you. You, and you should be honest with him. You should say, I was at the wedding you officiated. You did a wonderful job and I know they loved you. We're looking for something a little more
00:30:56
Speaker
lengthy in terms of explanations. Um, and maybe you can even throw in like, you know, it's really important to my mom to have a female rabbi or whatever.
00:31:05
Speaker
He will be able, he hopefully will be able to give you some recommendations. Did you call so-and-so? Here's her number. Follow the trail of rabbis. We're like breadcrumbs. Follow the trail of rabbis. Listen, we want to do your wedding. And I know that synagogue rabbis want to do your wedding, but I've said it a million times, they're busy. People are busy. And ultimately, what we want more than to officiate your wedding is to help you find the right rabbi to officiate your wedding.
00:31:33
Speaker
If that rabbi is a pro, he'll be minimally annoyed, if at all. Okay. All right. You've never been to a Jewish wedding. You've never met a rabbi. You've never seen one in your life. You probably can't even find a video about Jewish weddings on YouTube. All right. So where do you start? Open up Google. Start with the basic search terms. It is very hit or miss. The Google algorithm is great for a lot of things, but the wedding industry is very fast paced.
00:32:03
Speaker
in terms of what's in fashion, in terms of who jumps in, who jumps out. The professionals who are the top of the list might be very different from the ones that come up at the top of your Google search, okay? You will get results when you search on Google though. Hopefully, let me see. Okay, the last time I searched for Ohio rabbi, it was actually to get ready for this podcast.
00:32:32
Speaker
I know that if I search in Google for Ohio rabbi, it's most likely to come up on my page because that's the one I visit most often. Okay. I was doing it to get ready for this episode. Don't worry. I'm not completely clueless. If you search for Ohio rabbi, for example, in the Google search engine, okay, you are going to find the first thing that pops up. Hopefully will be a website called 18 doors.org.
00:33:00
Speaker
18, the number 18.
00:33:03
Speaker
doors, like doors you open and shut, dot org, O-R-G. 18doors.org used to be interfaithfamily.com. You can go to their site. Oh, and one of the main things that they did on that site was match interfaith families and interfaith couples getting married with a rabbi when they couldn't find one for all the reasons I mentioned at the beginning. Okay, go to 18doors.org, ignore that top menu, because it can get a little confusing. Go all the way to the right at the red bar.
00:33:32
Speaker
Click find a rabbi. Every rabbi on 18doors.org, I believe, 18doors correct me if I'm wrong, has indicated willingness to work with interfaith couples on their wedding ceremony. Yes. Interfaith friendly Jewish clergy in North America. So if you're in North America, you're in luck.
00:33:55
Speaker
I'm not going to fill out this form because every time I fill out this form, it confuses the 18doors.org people. They like email me and they're like, Rabbi, are you searching for a rabbi or were you just running a test? I always have to tell them, Oh, I was looking for somebody else. Okay. So they're going to ask for your name, your email.
00:34:12
Speaker
where your home city is, all that. See, now it won't let me go to the next page because I'm not filling it in. And I believe it will ask you for your list of conditions for your wedding. So a lot of things I just went through. What day are you getting married? Is it on Shabbat? Are you looking for a male rabbi or a female rabbi? I think it asks you for the preferred sex. I'm not sure. And you can actually, I believe, search according to their fees also.
00:34:40
Speaker
It is a wonderful place to start. And remember, if you do find a rabbi near you on 18doors.org and you call her and she's not available on that day because it's like two days before Rosh Hashanah or whatever it is, we talked about in our choosing a date podcast, right? Ask her, do you know anyone? Look, her rabbi is just floating around in the world, honestly. Sometimes they haven't even thought about really officiating weddings, but they're really great speakers or really great writers. And you might be the couple.
00:35:11
Speaker
that helps them find this passion of, of leading wedding ceremonies for couples, especially interfaith couples. So just ask, keep following the trail of rabbis. Okay. Let's say that you've tried 18doors.org and they don't have any rabbis on file in your area. Don't give up
Utilizing Venues and Vendors to Locate a Rabbi
00:35:34
Speaker
just yet because remember I said,
00:35:37
Speaker
If you go with the closest rabbi on 18doors.org, she might be like four states away. Now you're paying for all that travel. It's going to be a lot more difficult for her to agree to do that wedding. Obviously email her and just say, we've got a wedding planned is the date available, but keep looking near you.
00:35:56
Speaker
And if any of my far away couples are doing this or did this, I don't blame it, like no offense. The first thing a lot of couples book, most couples book for their wedding is the venue. It's either like the venue or the planner. In some cases it's the photographer.
00:36:13
Speaker
It just depends on what's hot in your area. You know, here in Columbus, Ohio, I feel like we're getting a new wedding venue like every couple months. There might be so many that people don't feel that much urgency to book their wedding venue first. There might be a photographer that they've been desperate to work with since, you know, for years and years. They might book her first. Whoever you are booking first for your wedding, you need to reserve the art museum or the conservatory or the zoo.
00:36:40
Speaker
and it's so important to you. When you book your spot or same with your photographer or maybe your caterer or whatever, ask that wedding professional, do you know any rabbis? Ask your caterer, ask your DJ, ask your flower lady. If you don't have those people yet, ask your wedding planner to ask those people. Your wedding planner actually, if you have a wedding planner, should offer to run around and do a little bit of this digging for you. Just email everybody who you already have hired or people she knows
00:37:10
Speaker
Jews she knows, I don't know, and say, do you know a rabbi? It's like a trail of rabbis. Jewish geography is a real thing. And you might not think that because your caterer has a step-nephew whose cousin is Jewish, that that won't lead to anything. But there have been crazier stories. Jewish geography is real.
00:37:33
Speaker
It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon, 613 degrees of Jews, I promise. You'll find rabbis from the most far-flung sources. But going back to your wedding prose, we in the wedding industry, all the wedding professionals out there, especially if you end up on a team of wedding professionals,
00:37:55
Speaker
Even though we're not in business together, when we get to that wedding, we act like a team. Those other wedding professionals become beloved to us because we know that if we work a wedding with them, it's going to make our job easier. So there are photographers I love. There are photographers who wouldn't give me the time of day.
00:38:20
Speaker
that I would never recommend. They're the same thing with DJs, same thing with wedding planners. You'd be surprised how many people do not show up to your wedding with a team mindset. Actually, ask your wedding planner or whoever, how do you work with the other vendors? If they say we don't, then maybe consider your choice a little more carefully, I promise.
00:38:43
Speaker
But if I've worked, if you, if your caterer, your wedding planner, your florist has worked, your makeup artist has worked a wedding where there was a rabbi, I can almost guarantee you she will remember how to get in touch with that rabbi and we'll be able to put you in touch.
00:39:05
Speaker
ask your wedding professionals just because they're not Jewish, it means nothing. If they work weddings and I work weddings, then they might know me. And by the way, I send little Jewish calendars to all the venues and then also some planners that I know every year just as a little helpful gift in case they're wondering about the Jewish holidays or
00:39:29
Speaker
So even if we haven't worked together, they hopefully know like that I exist. So ask your vendors, you, you won't be sorry. So one degree removed from this even is looking on social media. I don't know if you have a mental block about like rabbis and social media at this point. If you've been on wedding Instagram, you probably know that there are so many officiants who have leg.
00:39:57
Speaker
awesome accounts. I have a, it's pretty mid account right now. I try my best. However, it doesn't matter how good her account is necessarily. So if you are on Instagram or Pinterest or maybe Twitter, I don't think that's such a big wedding planning space. But if you're on social media, you probably follow local wedding planners, local venues, local photographers.
Leveraging Social Media to Find a Rabbi
00:40:22
Speaker
If you are looking through your wedding Instagram and you see a chuppah or something that looks kind of like a chuppah, okay, which is the Jewish wedding canopy. If it's got four poles and something on top of it, chances are that's a chuppah. Or if you see a photograph of couples signing a document and it's got Hebrew on it, or you can't see, but they're signing something fancy, some fancy document, not a regular marriage license.
00:40:51
Speaker
find whoever is tagged in those photographs. Okay, the photographer, yes, but anybody else they tag, the Ketubah artist, the people signing it, the florist who decorated the chuppah and reach out and ask, who was the rabbi? You know, a lot of rabbis are, before I started, you know, Your Ohio Rabbi LLC, I did random weddings. Like if I knew somebody and they were getting married,
00:41:22
Speaker
And they said, you know, Rabbi Leanne, can you do us a solid income officiate our wedding? Yeah. Some of the pictures on my website are actually from before I even started, you know, the whole business side of it. So a person like that, I mean, I wasn't, I didn't have a listing with 18doors.org. I wasn't on Instagram as Rabbi Leanne. I certainly didn't have a podcast when I was just doing random weddings here or there. But if somebody else had called me and asked,
00:41:50
Speaker
We saw photographs of you officiating a wedding, looked like fun. Are you available on our date? I probably would have been like, yeah, sounds fun. You can even reach out to the couple themselves. And it could be that it's a friend of the family of theirs. So even though she wouldn't do a ton of weddings, that rabbi might jump in and do your wedding. So like I said at the beginning, you can also call local synagogues. If Instagram has failed you, you know, do the Google call synagogues.
00:42:19
Speaker
Don't sleep, also, don't sleep on your local Jewish community center, your local Jewish Federation. If there's a college or university near you, there will probably be a Hillel, that's H-I-L-L-E-L, it's the Jewish Student Center on campus. Sometimes they have a rabbi, sometimes they don't, but if they don't have a rabbi, guess what I'm about to say?
00:42:48
Speaker
They will know a rabbi, or they will know someone who knows a rabbi. We are following the trail of rabbis. Should I get a t-shirt that says that? They might know somebody, like I said, who does things on the side, who's just getting her business started, who's maybe not showing up on Google yet, like me two years ago. If you call a synagogue, if you are lucky enough that that synagogue has a cantor, ask to talk to him. A cantor? Okay.
00:43:16
Speaker
I have a friend who's a cantor here in town. She might be like a little miffed hearing me say this. Okay. A cantor is like a rabbi who sings. It sounds simplistic, but it's so much more than that. They are trained in liturgical music. Their voices make you cry. They are like the angel chorus of Jewish clergy, all the cantors.
00:43:42
Speaker
If you are lucky enough to book a canter or to even possibly book a canter for your wedding, you know, jump over, jump through any hoops you have to jump through to hire that canter. Your wedding will be stunning. It will shatter everyone's hearts. It will make everyone feel like it was the best wedding they've ever been to hire that canter. That's kind of an aside. Canters are, are quite rare actually.
00:44:07
Speaker
man. If you find a cantor to officiate your wedding, please email me your Jewish wedding podcast at gmail.com. I would like to know who that cantor is because I want to have him or her on my podcast. I really revere cantors. Can you tell? Okay. Going back to the Hillel suggestion, if a Hillel has a rabbi,
00:44:33
Speaker
I know when I was rabbi at Hillel, I worked at the Ohio State University Hillel for five years after I graduated. And I would sometimes get calls from people who were getting married, who had, who nobody at our Hillel had ever met that person. Usually they were unaffiliated with the Hillel, had never set foot there, but they figured since they were
00:45:03
Speaker
maybe a professor at the university or their mom was a professor at the university or something, that it was the Hillel rabbi's job to officiate her wedding. It's not. Different Hillel rabbis have different policies about weddings. Even though you might consider that Hillel rabbi sort of like a staff clergy member, it's not really the same. So even if you find a Hillel rabbi who's willing to officiate your wedding, willing, able, available,
00:45:33
Speaker
he may still charge you and charge you sort of like the going rate of wedding officiants, you know. Now at the very end of the trail of rabbis, I alluded to this when I was talking about the Jewish wedding you attended and loved. Jewish geography is real. Jews are kind of like many minority populations within the United States.
00:45:58
Speaker
You might be afraid that it's a little racist to assume that all Jews know each other. I don't know if it technically is racist, but I will say that it's pretty true. Jewish geography is a real thing. If the secretary at your workplace has a best friend who's Jewish, ask her, does your friend know a rabbi? When we know a good rabbi, maybe
00:46:27
Speaker
Maybe your secretary's best friend doesn't know the rabbi, but she was at a wedding last weekend where the rabbi officiated. She will, if she loves that rabbi, she will volunteer to find out who he is for you, even though she's never met you. The vast majority of Jewish people want to connect people to Judaism. This is kind of what I said in the last episode.
00:46:51
Speaker
It doesn't really matter to me who you are, what you believe, how you practice. Just happy that you are considering having a Jewish wedding, right? Probably the secretary's best friend will feel the same way. She'll say, oh, yes, that's Rabbi Jacobs. We love him so much. No, no, I've never met him, but I know the mother of the groom and she says he's wonderful. Let me call her and I'll get his number. If you're getting married,
00:47:20
Speaker
It is entirely possible that you will find a rabbi through your secretary's best friends, friends, son, and the rabbi might be amazing.
00:47:37
Speaker
people are still in contact with their camp friends, their Hebrew school friends, the friends that they hung out at Hillel, the Jewish student center, with a college, the other Jews who were in their fraternity at college, the one other guy who couldn't go to the work retreat because it was Yom Kippur. Jews, no other Jews. And by and large, we are thrilled to connect people who want to have that Jewish connection. Okay.
00:48:05
Speaker
So if you have any Jewish friend, if you know somebody who has a Jewish friend, ask. So let's say you've gone through Google and you have a great list of rabbis. Maybe you found like two or three who are available on your date, willing to officiate any deal breakers you have. She says thumbs up. We're good. Some more questions, maybe about her philosophy. So if this is a rabbi who just wants to do a bing, bang, boom ceremony,
00:48:34
Speaker
That's what she's willing to do. You're both on the same page. Great. If you're looking for a rabbi with an educational approach, she really wants to walk through every step of the ceremony with you. She really wants to spend some time with you planning the ceremony. Call me, but there are other rabbis who their educational approach means they want you guys to take classes together before they officiate your wedding.
00:49:02
Speaker
I've met a fair few rabbis actually who require people to go through classes, internet classes or synagogue classes before he'll officiate their wedding. But if you're looking for more of a lifelong rabbi, right? If you've moved to an area and you're gonna settle down there and you're gonna get married there, I would actually encourage you to find your rabbi with a mind of joining his synagogue. So when you call,
00:49:32
Speaker
You'll say my fiance and I are getting married, God willing on this certain date and you're available. And we, our goal as a couple is to join a synagogue, you know, as we get married to start our brand new family off within a Jewish community. That synagogue rabbi will probably be thrilled. Honestly, she'll be so excited because it's, it can be very hard to, to find new members. You know, membership isn't free.
00:50:01
Speaker
And it can be a challenge for some people, but I will tell you, I love this approach. And I think that, you know, especially if you're not near the synagogue where you grew up, it might be really important for you to find that community. You'll be able to go for high holiday services. There will be adult education classes. God willing, you have children in the future. There will be Sunday school support. There will be volunteer opportunities. You'll have, there will be socialization opportunities. Another next to your question,
00:50:28
Speaker
question you can start asking about rabbis is, is this the thing that you do like often? Ask your rabbi. Ask him if he's done a bunch of weddings and ask him what his approach is to planning that ceremony. If you want to meet with him, ask if he'll meet with you. If you don't want to meet with him, ask if he'll agree to not meet with you. I don't know. I guess I'm saying try to find out if that rabbi knows what he's doing.
00:50:56
Speaker
We don't learn how to officiate weddings at rabbinical school. It's something we kind of cobble together. Of course we learn the prayers and we learn like the laws around wedding ceremonies, but in terms of writing a ceremony that doesn't sound like a prayer book translation. Talking with a couple to learn enough about them to figure out what's the best things to put in their wedding ceremony. Knowing the ins and outs of all the considerations of when to include people and when not to include people in the ceremony.
00:51:26
Speaker
Winter places that it never goes well when you have participants, and winter places that are especially beautiful when you have one, two, three, seven officials participants. Ask your rabbi if he's had experience with interfaith couples before and what that was like. How sensitive is he going to be to your mother-in-law who's not Jewish? If you're not convinced, if you're not 100% sure that you feel comfortable with that rabbi's experience, ask for references.
00:51:56
Speaker
I've even offered references before because like why not? If you're really good at doing weddings or even if you're reasonably good at doing weddings, you shouldn't be afraid to give references. If you ask for a reference and the rabbi says no, it's like a big red flag, okay? So then ask about the rabbi's process. If you are a type A person, you are going to want to know what are the systems we're going to use? What are the dates we're going to meet? What will occur at each of those meetings?
00:52:23
Speaker
When I engage with a couple, I lay out the process for them step by step. I also send them a binder in the mail that includes that process. We also share a Google doc so that we can always be in communication about the ceremony at any time. And inside of the binder that I send them, I have an entire page on when and how to contact me. You want to feel confident that your rabbi is reachable and is there for you.
00:52:53
Speaker
is open to talk with you or your planner or whatever about what exactly is going on. Figure out if your rabbi is a confident speaker. You might be able to, listen, type your rabbi's name into YouTube and see if there's any sermons up there. Go to the synagogue website and see if there's any sermons posted there and figure out, you know, also maybe read the column that she's posted for the synagogue newsletter.
00:53:17
Speaker
A good writer to me is one of the most important things when you're looking for a ceremony efficient. Okay. Rabbi, she might be very smart. She might be a great speaker, but she might not be a good writer.
00:53:29
Speaker
Now, when I officiate ceremonies, I like to include the couple's love story unless they explicitly ask me not to, but I usually strongly suggest, and I usually get them to let me talk to them. When I address the couple, I don't discuss Jewish topics. It's not a sermon. What it is first and foremost is a retelling of the couple's love story, okay? Fun fact about me, I like to read. I mostly like to read romance.
00:53:58
Speaker
even write romance books a little bit. When you get to know a couple, whether that's through meeting with them multiple times or through a questionnaire, through a document you all share, you can see their love story play out. And if you're a reader or a writer, or even if you just watch a lot of TV, it's really easy to see the arc of their relationship in terms of events, emotions, um, their own personal journeys and
00:54:28
Speaker
I always find a theme, like a literary theme in every couple story. And that sort of becomes their brand to me. And I will write several pages. I don't know if any of my couples are listening right now, if they think I talk for too long. I don't know if you should tell me. If you email me and say I talk too long, I'll read your email on the podcast. For real, I usually talk between, I would say seven and nine minutes.
00:54:58
Speaker
Okay, now that you've gotten to know each other, you like your rabbi's vibe, everything looks good. If your rabbi is not part of a synagogue, that you belong to. Your rabbi is going to be freelancing by officiating your wedding. Freelancers need contracts. A contract is very important because when we don't know all the details of an arrangement,
00:55:22
Speaker
It is very easy for us to have expectations, assume things and miscommunicate. I'm going to say it a million times on this podcast, but rabbis are humans too. Rabbis are not perfect communicators. Your rabbi has an idea in his head of how your wedding ceremony is going to go. And you have an idea in your head of how your wedding ceremony is going to go and how you're going to keep in touch with your rabbi.
00:55:49
Speaker
and when you're going to pay your rabbi, and who's bringing the kiddish cup. Maybe your wedding planner has an idea that all rabbis bring the chippah with them. Sometimes I bring the chippah with me, but again, that's in the contract. If your rabbi is a freelancer, if she's not affiliated with the synagogue, and she doesn't have a contract, ask for one. In my contract, it promises things about how many meetings we'll have.
00:56:18
Speaker
At what point in the planning process those meetings usually take place. How early I will arrive to the ceremony. The extra charge if I need to come to the rehearsal dinner. Whether or not I'm bringing the chuppah. It includes making sure that you know that you have to bring your own marriage license. I can't do that for you. It includes a whole section on what happens if God forbid your wedding gets canceled. It also includes a section called a Hold Harmless Clause.
00:56:47
Speaker
which means that if I'm holding your kiddish cup and I slip and fall and the kiddish cup flies out of my hand and hits you in the head and gives you a concussion or gives your mother-in-law a black eye, you can't sue me. All these things are very important.
00:57:04
Speaker
So make sure that you ask for some written down agreement about all the things that are important to you. You can ask your wedding planner for guidance on this. I would suggest finding a rabbi who either is connected with a synagogue and therefore has a synagogue contract or has a contract of her own. Something I want you all to remember in this entire process, these were a lot of hard questions. Some of these we haven't really addressed on the podcast yet. We're going to have at least one episode about interfaith relationships.
00:57:34
Speaker
about, we might have an episode about Jewish status, but I don't know if that needs its own episode. Regardless, I want you to be as honest as you possibly can be with your rabbi through this entire process. I do not want your wedding to be ruined because you had a vision and expectation, a deep seated idea of what it was going to be like. And you were too afraid to ask your rabbi. You were too afraid that you wouldn't be able to find somebody.
00:58:05
Speaker
You were too believed by your future and mother-in-law that you had to have a male rabbi and not a female one, but you don't really feel comfortable. Any of this stuff, we're going back to the beginning, guys. Be honest about your must-haves and must-nots. Trust your gut. And by the way, please don't ghost your rabbi.
00:58:25
Speaker
If there's an issue, please bring it up. You can be honest with us. Rabbis are people too. We're not super holy. We're not infallible. And we also can handle bad news or people disagreeing with us. Okay. I really hope you guys don't feel overwhelmed after all that. I even, I feel like this is all a little overwhelming and I don't even need to plan a wedding yet for my kids, not for myself. I'm never getting married again.
00:58:55
Speaker
But remember, be clear with yourself on the things you have to have and the things you don't. Trust
Using Community Connections to Find a Rabbi
00:59:02
Speaker
your instincts and what's important to you. Don't be afraid to ask around. Use Jewish geography. Follow the trail of rabbis.
00:59:11
Speaker
If you have advice for our listeners on how to find a rabbi or if you have a story to share about how you found your rabbi, I don't know, maybe you met him on the subway. Please email me, yourjewishweddingpodcastatgmail.com. Send me a note. I would love to hear it and let me know if it's okay to share it on the podcast.
00:59:31
Speaker
Guys, I love that you've tuned into this episode that finding a rabbi is this important to you that you're willing to tackle it, ready to tackle it. Remember to lean on your community. 18doors.org, I can't recommend them enough. They will do their absolute best to help you. Don't give up, keep trying. My blessing for all of you is that you should find a rabbi who makes your ceremony exactly as you envisioned it and more.
00:59:58
Speaker
and also brings the perfect balance of including the people you love, of perfectly matching your vibe, of connecting you to the community, and making sure that you understand everything that's going on. Good luck, guys. And until next time.
01:00:17
Speaker
Well, everyone, I have had the best time being your rabbi for this episode. I'm so glad you joined me for another little bit of insight into planning your perfect Jewish or interfaith wedding. Until you
Connecting on Social Media for More Wedding Tips
01:00:29
Speaker
can smash that glass on your big day, you might as well smash that subscribe button for this podcast. I don't want you to miss a single thing.
01:00:39
Speaker
Remember, you can always find me, Rabbi Lian, on Instagram, at, at, Your Ohio Rabbi. All one word for even more tips, tricks, recommendations, and wisdom on Jewish weddings.
01:00:56
Speaker
If you want to work with me on your wedding, you'll find all the info you need at YourOhioRabbi.com. Until next time, remember, you deserve the perfect wedding for you. Don't settle for anything less.
01:02:56
Speaker
I'm sorry. I know that's a terrible deal. I know.