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Let's Talk About Sex, Baby
84 Plays2 years ago
Do we have sex cycles as women? In Episode, 11, Kiley and Nan have a sex talk about the challenges and benefits of having a healthy sex life. Your sex life is unique to you. It's important to be curious about what experiences have shaped it to understand what is truly healthy and in alignment with your needs in the present.
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Transcript
Introduction to Everyday Mindful
00:00:02
Speaker
Hi, I'm Kylie Wynn Efron. And I'm Nan Cavanaugh, and welcome to Everyday Mindful, a space for real talk on weaving the magic of mindfulness into our daily lives. Let's dig in.
00:00:19
Speaker
Hey, Kylie. Hey, Nan. How are you? I'm doing good. How are you doing? Doing good. Doing great. Doing great.
New Podcast Format
00:00:30
Speaker
We have an exciting episode today, and we've got a little shift in our format, which is also exciting. You know, we've been really kind of thinking about everyday life and how busy it is and
00:00:45
Speaker
thinking about how our podcast kind of can best integrate into our listeners day to day. And we've come up with an idea that we're going to try out.
00:01:00
Speaker
We're thinking we're going to take our, you know, do our usual deep dive on a single subject from a mindfulness perspective, but instead of having one single hour long episode that will do a sort of part one, part two and break it up a little bit. So it's just a little, a little easier to weave in to your, um, your daily routine.
00:01:24
Speaker
I think so, I think it's gonna be really fun and I think it's gonna be kind of like digestible bites of mindfulness and it makes sense with the busy lives that we're leading and I think it also gives people a little bit of time to kind of integrate and reflect a little bit on the things that come up. So I'm excited about this format, it's gonna be fun to play with and we're excited for our listeners to
00:01:50
Speaker
come along on the journey. Yeah, we love your feedback on it. I'm kind of excited to, you know, sometimes I feel like when I listen to an hour long podcast, I do not remember anything that happened in the beginning of the podcast. And I know it was valuable information. But by the end of the podcast, I'm like, wow, that was a lot of info I just took in. So hopefully this will allow us all to kind of let things marinate a little bit more than doing the hour long dive.
00:02:17
Speaker
I agree. I agree. All right.
Sex: Importance and Taboos
00:02:20
Speaker
Well, today we're going to have some fun because we're going to talk about sex, baby. Yeah, girl. Um, it's a big one, particularly for women our age, particularly for women of any age or men, you know, sex is a big part of our lives as adults. It is. It's a big part of it. And it also is a topic that
00:02:39
Speaker
can feel a little taboo that can feel a little, there's a lot of baggage that comes along with sex too. Even as we were preparing to talk about this subject, I was like, oh, am I going to be ready to talk about this? Like, even though I feel like I've already revealed quite a bit on these podcast episodes, there's just something that comes along with sex that is a little bit more loaded. So, but I also think it is something that is vital in our lives. It is something that
00:03:09
Speaker
we're all reflecting on, all want in our lives and or sometimes or even struggling with. So I think it's gonna be fun and interesting to explore this topic. So I don't think we need to dive in with a definition because I think we all know what sex is. At least I hope, I hope we all know what sex is.
00:03:33
Speaker
I should probably give a little warning. This may not be the best. This is probably like a PG 13 conversation. So we're not getting too dirty here guys. We're not getting too dirty here, but you know, we are going to talk about sex if you got any kiddos in the car. Um, but let's start off. Do you, so do you think that women have sexual cycles?
Understanding Women's Sexual Cycles
00:03:57
Speaker
I think we do, you know, I think, um, well, I, you know, did a little research and like our sex drive is driven by our hormones, right? And women definitely have hormonal cycles throughout life that are very different than a man's. Like men also have hormonal cycles, but they aren't as dramatic and they're more subtle.
00:04:22
Speaker
Yeah, and I think that our big hormone shifts, the big ones that happen throughout our life, whether it be puberty and adolescence to childbirth to menopause, kind of really drive
00:04:43
Speaker
are sex drive, pun intended. But also, when you ovulate right before ovulation, your sex drive is according to science is also also accelerated. So you actually have kind of sexual cycles within a month. Yeah, relate to that. So I would say, yeah, I think women definitely have sexual cycles.
00:05:09
Speaker
Well, and I also think too, you know, and men also have a predominance of testosterone in their body, at least from my understanding. Once again, we're not doctors here. We're just talking from our limited base of knowledge. Putting my white coat on here for this conversation. But, you know, men have an abundance of testosterone and testosterone is deeply rooted to sexual desire, which is often why when women's hormones do begin to fluctuate. And if you are like experiencing a lessening of sexual desire, desire,
00:05:39
Speaker
testosterone can be prescribed. So I think there's the biological aspect of it that we do have rapidly fluctuating our hormones fluctuate in a pretty dramatic way during certain chapters of our life. So there's that aspect of it where you're talking about things like, first of all, you know, just as we start to menstruate,
00:06:00
Speaker
in what would be considered your child rearing years. And then there's periomedipause, metapause, which, you know, we can get into more of these things that really dramatically, they do dramatically affect your sexual drive when you are going through them.
00:06:16
Speaker
And if you're not on any kind of hormone support, it can look or feel more radical. And I also understand that, you know, depending on, different individuals go through those hormone cycles at varying degrees, but I think it's safe enough to generalize that, especially in perimenopause and then in menopause, that there is a reduction in those sex hormones.
00:06:37
Speaker
But I also think too that the dynamics of, I'm going to talk about this from my perspective and for like childbearing females, is the dynamics of parenting.
Stress, Parenting, and Women's Sexual Drive
00:06:52
Speaker
really like play into this role as well, I feel like. I think because of some of the responsibilities that women take on in parenting and the amount of juggling that we are often doing between taking care of our kids, taking care of our households, taking care of our husbands, taking care of our jobs, the various different things that we're doing can be really depleting. It can be very, very depleting. And I think that can be
00:07:20
Speaker
it can start to feel like I've gone through chapters like this where I felt like everybody needs my body, like especially right after childbirth, where I felt like there's a baby who wants to feed off me and needs me to hold them all the time. And then you have your husband who needs you and you just start, your body is needed and required and your attention is needed and required by so many people that it can be very depleting. And so sometimes I think they're also just,
00:07:46
Speaker
lifestyle cycles that we go through as women that can really affect our sexual drive.
00:07:53
Speaker
And granted, I think that lifestyle doesn't have to be parenting. It can be that you're working a 65-hour work week, or it could be that you have so many responsibilities or so many balls in the air that you just, or too much stress, too, stress being another huge one. But I think the difference between, I think, men and women is most men, I'm gonna just make the, probably gonna be a lot of generalizations made in this episode, so let's just put that disclaimer out right now.
00:08:19
Speaker
But I would venture to say that most men's sex drive is not tempered at all by stress. It's actually relieved It's not tempered by exhaustion. It relaxes them puts that you know, it makes them more at ease Yeah, and it's not tempered by having children. Yeah, I would agree I would say you know and so I do think that as women we juggle these physical cycles within our body and
00:08:46
Speaker
And we also juggle lifestyle changes and chapters where our energy is very depleted. And I think often a lot of people need it. They need it to support them. Yeah. I would agree with all of that. And I do feel like that there is
00:09:15
Speaker
I don't want to say women. I mean, I know my experience as a woman, I prefer sex when there's a sense of connection. And I don't know if men necessarily have, I mean, I don't know if men necessarily have that same need on that same
Men's Sexual Drive and Societal Expectations
00:09:44
Speaker
level.
00:09:44
Speaker
um, as, as women do. Um, and I think that it's very hard to feel connected to another person when you're exhausted. Um, and yeah, also I feel like too, you know, there's all these connotations around good sex, bad sex, you know, and if you want to have good sex, there's a real level of like, I feel like performativeness that requires a lot of
00:10:14
Speaker
energy. Maybe that's just like what society tells us that good sex has to be performative and the woman in particular has to really be exuding sexuality for it to be considered good sex. But I don't know if that's even true. Is there good sex? Is there bad sex? I mean, we've all had bad sex.
00:10:39
Speaker
Well, I think there's yes, I am gonna say that I'm gonna put I'm drawing that line in the sand there is good sex or bad sex.
00:10:47
Speaker
There's better sex, you know. There's vacation sex. I can say that as like a married person with young children. My vacation sex is on fire, you know, as long as the kids are not with us, obviously. And once again, I think the reason why vacation sex is so good is because the responsibility factor is taken out. The minute I don't have to take care of my children,
00:11:11
Speaker
The minute I don't have the responsibility of work or sleep deprivation or things like that on me, it's like there's just a freedom. There's a lifting. And I typically find when we go on vacation, like literally we walk in the hotel room and I'm like, okay. It comes back. It's like that energy. It's like the sexual energy restores within my body for sure. So I definitely feel like exhaustion plays a really huge role during certain chapters of our life. And I do think
00:11:40
Speaker
there is a performative aspect to sex. And I think, I was thinking about this earlier, I think when we're younger, we first learn what sex should be like, look like, sound like, feel like, a lot of it's through movies. There's a huge portion of it I think is through movies. I think there's an aspect, we learn it through media, we learn it through movies, we learn it through television shows.
00:12:10
Speaker
all which are all performances but that's really kind of like your first visual right of what it should look like what it should feel like what it should sound like what you should behave like yeah and so i do think in we can't ignore the fact that as women
00:12:25
Speaker
we are raised in kind of, there's a more performative aspect of the way we're raised, period, about the way we are supposed to behave ourselves, how we are supposed to act, to be enticing, to be considered sexy, to be considered appealing. I think that's ingrained in us from a very, very young age. And then I think you start to see these models. And then also too, if you add porn into the equation too, if porn is involved in your life, there is,
00:12:56
Speaker
And I actually think porn has and I'm not actually saying like porn is bad or good I'm not making a comment on that because I don't feel it is one way or another. I just think that
00:13:11
Speaker
I think it definitely shapes men's minds for what sex should look like. I think that's for sure. Do you know what I mean? I think it's hard to argue that it doesn't shape their mind. And depending on how early men are watching porn, that's what they're going to expect from good sex or bad sex, whatever.
00:13:33
Speaker
So I think that there is all those aspects, and so I think there's the performative aspect that we have just as being women, period. Once again, we say this all the time. I hope that's getting better. We're speaking from our point of reference, from our generations, and from what I hear my friends say and talk about as well too, of course.
00:13:52
Speaker
And then I think there is the point of reference from what is expected of your partner and what you see. And then I think we reach a certain, I think that's the other aspect too, is you reach a certain time where it's like, I don't want to perform, I want to be myself. So do I have the energy when I'm raising children and doing all these things and really stepping into my power as a woman? I don't have the energy to have to be that.
00:14:16
Speaker
You know, I don't want to have to be that. Yeah. Well, it's maybe not you are at that moment and why? Yeah, it's like you're having to pretend to be Some like 25 year old vixen when you're an exhausted 37 year old woman who can barely keep her eyes open like I think that there is a lot of I don't know. I think there's a lot to that and I think that we often We often find ourselves
00:14:45
Speaker
Well, I think it's, I guess what I'm trying to articulate here is we find ourselves, like you said, just kind of going off what we've seen on TV and starting there. And I think it's important to think about like, where did you learn about
Aging and Sexual Relationships
00:15:00
Speaker
sex? Not like the birds and the bees, but like the act of sex and how it's done and really dig into it.
00:15:07
Speaker
Were there a movie growing up that was like the first movie you saw where it was like, wow. And that was kind of your first touch at understanding intimacy in that way. And then kind of what sex have you had over the years to kind of shape your understanding of sexual performance?
00:15:33
Speaker
in this moment. And I don't know, it's something I think we all need to, I don't think we explore it enough, because it's really personal. I mean, sex is a very personal thing. You have it with different people. It's usually one on one, not always. You know, and so only you really know your sexual history.
00:15:54
Speaker
You know, no, it's true. And that's actually a really good question. I think that's a good way to think about it from a mindfulness perspective, too, as you are, because like, which I think is the next thing we're going to talk about is like, do we have to renegotiate our relationship with sex as we age in different chapters?
00:16:09
Speaker
but I definitely, I absolutely formed my ideas of what the act of sex should look like from multiple movies. I also grew up in the era of like when HBO came. Skin and Max.
00:16:25
Speaker
skin backs, you know, so like when your parents had no idea when they had fallen asleep, what you were up watching, you know, what was all this like rated R content that was all of a sudden available. Like that's how old I am when the cable started and all of a sudden it was just there. And so you, I definitely, I think when you are early on, you are absolutely playing a role. Like you are learning and you are project. And then of course there's always a natural aspect to it that will come through.
00:16:54
Speaker
But I definitely think it is, especially in those earlier years, it's very much, it's a little bit of an act. I do think that's to a certain degree. It's a little bit based off what you've seen. So being able to reflect back on that when you are in a renegotiation phase, I think is an interesting question to ask yourself. Do you feel like when you're younger, you're just more fearless in general, so you're more fearless and bad?
00:17:21
Speaker
Yes, I think so. I think you're uninhibited. Yeah, that's a better word. I think it depends. Well, I should say this too. I think it depends on what level of shame you've been taught about when it comes to sex, trauma. I think there are a multitude of things that would inform that question, but I'll speak for myself. I was definitely more uninhibited. I was definitely more uninhibited when I was younger.
00:17:49
Speaker
And that's not to say that I'm inhibited now, but there's a freedom to it when you are younger. And things change too also when you're in a long-term relationship with somebody as well too.
00:18:04
Speaker
your needs and your desires and your intimacy changes with somebody. But I do think, especially as women, we do have to go through a phase where we have to renegotiate our relationship to it. I'm in that chapter a little bit right now, where I'm trying to renegotiate my relationship to sexuality. I'm in a really healthy relationship.
00:18:27
Speaker
love my partner, deeply attracted to him. Um, but my sex drive is definitely not what it was when like we first got together. And of course, also too, in the beginning, there's also hormones that are keeping you, you know, it's, there's a procreation aspect to it and a bonding aspect that's taking place hormonally that, you know, changes things. But, you know, coming out of, you know, I have two young children and I'm running a business, then also building a personal career as, you know, a healer and podcaster and these things on my own.
00:18:57
Speaker
And we have more balls in the air. So there's definitely, it's a different phase in our relationship because you can't just be uninhibited and stay up all night and do all these things. But it's also something that's really important to me. And I think it's really important from a healing perspective. I actually think sex is important on, this may be an unpopular opinion on a spiritual perspective, which is a different podcast.
Prioritizing Sex in Life
00:19:25
Speaker
But I think it is important on a spiritual, on a romantic, and on a physical standpoint. I think our bodies heal with intimacy. I think that as women, we actually carry trauma within our wombs. We carry a lot. And physical intimacy and connection helps to heal that.
00:19:42
Speaker
And so, and I also think there's a lot of old shame and old paradigms and things that are wrapped up in our notions of sex that need to be healed. And so I, I'm in a chapter two where it's like, I really want, I'm really trying to work on balancing, making sure that sex is a priority in my life, that it's a healthy priority in my life, along with the other things. And I don't think I'm alone there.
00:20:08
Speaker
No, it's something I'm negotiating with myself right now because I agree.
00:20:15
Speaker
When I'm tired and I don't feel like having sex and then my husband talks me into it, I always feel so much better. And I'm always like, why? You always feel better. Why was I, why did I push back on this? Like this was completely a good idea. Um, and I, I think that it's, you know, as we age, um, I got a question for you. Do you feel like you have to feel sexy to have good sex?
00:20:47
Speaker
not okay so define what you mean feel sexy like in the mood or like feel erotic and beautiful like do you feel like that and do you feel like people that embrace that like I know some women who really embrace being sexy
00:21:07
Speaker
I will definitely say that I have better sex and I am turned on more often when I feel good in my body and in my skin. If not, I still feel like let's say if I'm carrying extra weight or I'm just not feeling like myself or I'm just not feeling good because look, let's face it, we all go through chapters like that.
00:21:30
Speaker
The truth is I don't have a high level of erotic arousal during those periods of time because it's hard to. You want to be sensual and you want to feel and look beautiful for your partner and so I think it's hard to sometimes tap into that well.
00:21:47
Speaker
I still do it and then I'm always happy that I do it. And what's interesting is that my partner's not even projecting that onto me. He wants to have sex with me no matter what. He could care less. He's still attracted to me, but it's what it does to you mentally. And I do think that also relates to this idea as women that we have, that we have to be. That like somehow how, because once again, it gets back to the performance, how we look is somehow attached to the act.
00:22:13
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Yeah, right how we look in that moment is somehow attached to the act where I Men are they don't care if they're getting you know heavy or if their bodies aren't what they used to be or anything It doesn't change their arousal and I don't think it changes their satisfaction factor. Yeah within it Yeah, and I think it's clear. I think it's important to be clear. It's really about how you feel you look, you know, I think that I
00:22:37
Speaker
Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think you could be varying body shapes, sizes, aesthetics, whatever, and still feel beautiful and should feel beautiful and are beautiful. But it's about your perception and your relationship to that. You know, and I think that
00:22:55
Speaker
I think that's part of the healing process that also has to happen with it too, where it's just feeling like you have a right to feel pleasure and to feel sexy and to feel attractive no matter what.
00:23:10
Speaker
Yeah.
Body Image and Sexuality
00:23:11
Speaker
And I think, I just think there's also a lot of shame interwoven into sex, even if you have like a relatively healthy sex life. I think they're slut shaming. Yeah. You know, I think there's, you, you really grow up, especially in my generation, you really grew up, you don't want to be, you didn't want to be called a slut. You wanted to make sure that, you know, you were very private and very careful with your sexual activity so that you were not labeled as that.
00:23:39
Speaker
And I think there were definitely a lot of notions about, well, do you have sex on the first date? This is not a taboo for men. Men will go out, they will have sex on a first date, and they won't even think twice about it. But they might also sleep with a girl on the first date and think, oh, I'm not going to date her permanently because she had sex with me on the first date.
00:24:00
Speaker
And so I think that there are a lot of double standards when it comes to that, and I think a lot of women place them on each other. I've never actually agreed with that. I will say that especially in my 20s, I felt very empowered sexually.
00:24:18
Speaker
I felt like I will dictate if I'm gonna have sex with somebody on the first date. I don't care about that. It means nothing to me. I don't believe that you can't get a husband or have a relationship. Multiple relationships I had started with sex. So I just don't believe that. Now, I believe that you should have the right and the autonomy to set that standard for yourself.
00:24:41
Speaker
I also didn't feel overly attached through the act of sex. So for me, that was a comfortable choice to make. And I really, as a woman, felt like I'm not going to let anybody put this upon me. This is my choice. So I believe that a woman should be able to have multiple lovers. They should be able to determine when they want to have sex.
00:25:06
Speaker
But I think that you are also deeply aware of the fact that not everybody agrees with you, that you have to be careful with that. And I also think there's just a lot of religious persecution and shame surrounding sex as well.
Sex: Pleasure vs. Obligation
00:25:21
Speaker
Yeah, well, I think it's kind of embracing the idea of sex as an act of pleasure versus sex as an act of commitment. And when you embrace sex as an act of pleasure, it's much more liberating. It can be as fleeting as you want. It's much more present in a lot of ways where sex is an act of commitment. That's when you get a bunch of strings attached. And I think for women, there's been this pressure
00:25:48
Speaker
uh that sex is something that is an almost an object that you keep precious to you and then you give it to your husband and then that's it it belongs to him now and you belong to him now and that's kind of been you know the whole idea of like the virginal um yeah the virginal matrimony bed and all that crazy shit thank god i don't live in a society that's up to that anymore um yeah
00:26:17
Speaker
Yeah, that's actually a really great way of putting it and I think what that comes back to as well is also knowing, like being able to be honest with yourself and reflective and mindful on what your intentions actually are when you're engaging in sex. It's like, are you looking for a relationship?
00:26:36
Speaker
Are you a person who, when you have sex, feels such an emotional connection that it begins to stir up feelings? Because I do think that's legitimate as well. I know that there are scientific studies out there that show that women produce a hormone or something that attaches them more.
00:26:51
Speaker
I don't think it's that blanketed personally, but I think it depends on the individual. But I think if you can be able to identify that for yourself, that changes if you're having sex for the sake of pleasure, then that might still open up and evolve into a committed relationship. That's not to say that if you go out and you just want to have sex for pleasure,
00:27:14
Speaker
Doesn't go there. I think chemistry is chemistry if it's meant to be it's meant to be yeah, and it's not gonna stop you Yeah, you know for the with the with the person who's right for you So but I think if you are confused about that then it can then it's best to not have sex right away right and so it's really like knowing yourself and being able to be honest with yourself and like Have the right reasons for why you're engaging, you know in like an act of intimacy Yeah
00:27:44
Speaker
you know, with somebody when you're not, because I also think that sex can be really sacred. I think it can be a deeply connective and divine process. And what that's once again, a probably a controversial thought, but I do believe that, you know, I think it is really and I think it's also vital and incredibly important for a healthy marriage or a healthy relationship.
00:28:05
Speaker
Yeah, oh, definitely. I think it's important, you know, in a lot of ways for a healthy life for a lot of people. But then I also recognize that there's a lot of people who just, sex isn't a priority for them, you know, like asexual people, for example, where it's just not their nature. You know, I think there are people out there who
00:28:29
Speaker
They don't feel the need to have that type of physical connection. I think they're rare. Do you think they feel that way their entire lives? I don't know. Honestly, I feel like
00:28:46
Speaker
I don't know. I think they're rare and I think a lot of them may be, I don't want to say on the spectrum, but like maybe have some neurodiversity. People I know that who seem asexual kind of operate in that space. But again, I just feel like it's, I think it's really hard to cast like broad generalizations because sex is personal.
00:29:14
Speaker
It's personally also never know what's really going on in someone's private life or personal life or you know, sometimes someone's expression of desire isn't always apparent. Yeah, do you feel like there's this I feel like there is a societal pressure though, like to have an active sex
Sex and Relationship Health
00:29:30
Speaker
life.
00:29:30
Speaker
And if you're not having enough sex, then there's something wrong with your marriage. And I don't know if that's a patriarchal mindset, it feels like it is, or what that is. But I do feel like there is this sort of underlying expectation that a healthy relationship is one where you're having sex multiple times a week. And if you're not,
00:29:54
Speaker
then there might be something wrong. And I don't think that's true. I think that's a projection most likely from a horny man running the party hall. I don't think it's true either. I think it's true as long as both partners are comfortable with it and understand that it's agreed upon to a certain degree based off your lifestyle or wherever you are.
00:30:20
Speaker
You know, I mean, I definitely think that, like, I do think regular sex helps keep a relationship healthy and connective. You know, like, and when if you go through weeks or something like that happens and you're not doing it for whatever reason, I think it starts to, in my experience, it can put a strain on the relationship in some forms. And I also think, like, I just know, like, my relationship is better when we're doing it on a regular basis.
00:30:50
Speaker
But that also means that sometimes we're approaching things and like not such as like what some people might say is not sexy gets to the point of like, you know, is scheduling sex on sexy or like a recipe for success.
00:31:05
Speaker
And I actually don't think, so I don't schedule sex. Like I don't put it on a calendar and be like, here we go. And we're meeting at this time. I actually know couples who do that and it works for them because they're prioritizing it. You know, you know, you're going to get it. You can wrap your brain around it.
00:31:22
Speaker
But I do prioritizing having sex a few times a week, even if I'm not in the mood in the beginning. Because what I have found is that my marriage is better when it's happening. We get along better. And the connection, it just always brings us closer together. So I have found in my personal experience that it's vital.
00:31:43
Speaker
Um, and so I know it's not the sexiest thing to say, like, I, you know, I make sure we have sex, whether I'm in the mood or not, but it doesn't take me but a minute to get, I get in the mood, you know what I mean? And once again, it's not because of a lack of desire for my partner. It's just because I'm tired or I'm juggling too many things. And you even shaped it too, where it's like, I'm a morning sex person.
00:32:04
Speaker
I do not want to have sex at the end of the day when I've been taking care of people in my business all day and I'm exhausted and wiped out. That is the last time I want to have sex. So we prioritize it in the morning. And I also am lucky enough that we have, you know, we own a restaurant and we have a different schedule. So like I can drop the kids off and come home, that kind of a thing, you know?
00:32:32
Speaker
So, I mean, it's I know that might sound like I could imagine like my 20 something self listening to this being like, Oh my God, you're so boring. Like that you're done though, that's never gonna happen. But the truth is, is that it does, it's, it's really helpful. And then, you know, on vacation, it's every day because you're feeling good and happy.
00:32:52
Speaker
But I think that only an individual can actually really like define that.
Redefining Healthy Relationships
00:32:57
Speaker
And I don't think there's anything wrong. Just in the same way, like when I used to think when people would talk about couples who slept in separate rooms and I always used to think, oh my God, that is a like, that's a recipe for a marriage ending. That means something's wrong. We don't sleep in separate rooms.
00:33:16
Speaker
But both my husband at this point have been like, you know It wouldn't be so bad to be able to like just you know, he wants to watch TV while he falls asleep I don't want to watch TV. I want it to be completely quiet You don't ever sleep as well when somebody's in the room with you So like those old days like do we I care if we talked about this I'm sorry if we talked about this already but it's like if you remember watching like The crown and like the Queen had her bedroom and then the husband had the other bedroom and there's like a little meeting area in between I'm like, that's not such a bad idea
00:33:46
Speaker
We don't do that. We have room together. But I just think sometimes when we're younger, we have a lot of preconceived notions about what makes a healthy marriage or not healthy marriage or what you need to do or what's considered healthy sex or unhealthy sex. And I think you have to be able to define that as a couple. Now, would my husband have sex every day of the week if I would? Absolutely. 100%.
00:34:09
Speaker
100% but he's it's different and you know, but I think he's also content and happy with what we have as well, too. Yeah, yeah, I definitely feel like my husband is the same way and we're having more sex. He is definitely
00:34:27
Speaker
I don't know. Our relationship is healthier. But sometimes I wonder, is it healthier because he's happier because we're having more sex? I don't attribute it necessarily. I don't attribute sex as something that... I don't feel an energetic shift myself when I'm having more sex in my marriage, in our level of intimacy or commitment is somehow enhanced. But I do...
00:34:57
Speaker
I should say he has an energetic shift and that energetic shift in him allows for us to have that kind of a more, I would say, intimate and connected kind of
00:35:13
Speaker
space in our marriage. I think you had the nail on the head. You did. I'm like, all right. We get a lot more chores done around the house when there's more sex involved. It has its perks.
00:35:33
Speaker
I think we're exactly the same, to be honest with you. And this sounds, once again, I don't feel like it changes my connection to him, per se, other than I just enjoy it and love him. But I definitely feel like it changes him.
00:35:50
Speaker
more agreeable, you know, I definitely think because I do think that sometimes, you know, male sex needs or hormones are different. Yeah, testosterone requires a lot more sex. It does. And I think it requires like an energetic, it feels like an energetic release. Yeah, 100%. You know, for me, it does relax me for sure. It relaxes me. But I think for men, it feels more like an energetic release in some form, you know,
00:36:20
Speaker
Yeah, they really embrace sex as an act of pleasure, not so much an act of commitment, I think, most of the time. And maybe this is a good place to stop, thinking about how can we all, you know, embrace sex more as an act of pleasure? So it seems less of an obligation.
Conclusion: Embracing Sex as Pleasure
00:36:40
Speaker
I hate to use that word, but if you're married or you're in a long-term relationship, you know what I mean?
00:36:48
Speaker
Um, yeah, when you're tired. Yeah. But the act of pleasure is always a good thing. Always a good thing. Um, that's a great place. That's a great place to leave it. And then we'll segue into next week.
00:37:03
Speaker
Yeah. Part two. Dig into the, dig into the kind of the everyday practicality of, of sex and now we can grow into it. Um, well, thank you, Kylie, as always. Thank you, Nan. See you next week. See ya. Don't forget to follow us on social at Everyday Mindful Podcast on Instagram and Facebook.
00:37:32
Speaker
And if you liked our little chat, please subscribe. It would be great if you gave us a review. All the stars, please. Same time, same place next week. Bye. Bye.